TANTRUMS. Or any and all big, giant, huge, loud, ear-splitting, eye rolling, often embarrassing and frustrating FEELINGS.
And how ever-so-difficult this can be–to manage our OWN response.
Simple, in that it is something you CAN control rather than trying to control your child…or any other human being….
Difficult–so very, very difficult–because it asks us to take an honest look at ourselves, get a “handle” on OUR often very big and overwhelming feelings, let go of feeling embarrassed, angry, sad, over-the-top frustrated… 
So two thoughts for you:
1) Be gentle with your SELF.
When you find yourself responding in a less-than-wonderful way to your child’s work at learning to manage themselves, show yourself compassion. This is hard work and you will always have another opportunity to try again 
.
By showing yourself compassion--forgiving yourself—you are role modeling an essential piece of living well for your child. Doing so often leads to authentic apologies. Doing so leads to self-care. Doing so leads to being honest. “I blew it. I need a break. I apologize…” What a way to show your child a mature way to deal with mistakes and big feelings. Now you’ve taken what started out as relationship-depleting and made it relationship-building.
2) Greet each round of “mis” behavior as another chance to strengthen your PAUSE muscle.
To find what it takes for you to take that split second, minute, hour, (day??)…to stop and focus on yourself, first. To find some semblance of calm. To think about what your child NEEDS and what can help your child the most, right now, to learn a little bit more about managing themselves. Then, hanging on to that thread of calm you’ve managed to find, go re-connect with your child. Discover that you may just respond rather than react. Notice how it lessens the intensity of the situation–maybe just a bit, but hey, that counts. Pay attention to how, with your calm(er) self leading the way, connection happens. And with connection compassion, cooperation, collaboration, healthier communication is more likely to emerge. In time.
So remember this:
The sign of great parenting is not your child’s behavior.
It is how YOU choose to behave.
It is okay if your child loses it–even in public. It is okay if your child needs to cling onto your leg and scream as you try to leave them at school. It is okay if your child has to yell, stomp, slam, roll eyes, sob, etc. This happens. For many reasons.
And as you are increasingly able to PAUSE, you will become clearer about just what your child needs, you are more likely to connect with your child in such a way that their need is answered, and now you are in a position to positively influence them as they work at learning more about themselves, how to manage their feelings, how to express themselves more productively…how to grow in healthy, relationship-building ways.
Really.
Be gentle with yourself. Exercise your pause muscle. And always, always, re-connect.
Thank you to Synergy Parenting Resources for letting me share their poster.
Make it great today!
Alice
Author
©2017 Alice Hanscam