When we save our NOs for times of absolute necessity, our children are much more likely to listen and behave.
My mom showed me that. Save your NO. So now what? If you follow me, then you know what I’m going to say next...What we focus on grows 
Here’s the deal–if we are so busy saying NO every time our child is choosing to do something we’d really rather them not do…if we are caught up in the “don’t don’t don’t”s , if we try to rely on our “no no no!” on a regular basis, then what happens is our children stop listening to us…
…and when a safety issue arises and NO is an absolute, this can become truly problematic. Not to mention the lack of respect, listening, positive growth that is missed as our “NOs” take over.
So back to what do you do? You save your NO and instead PAUSE. Consider just what it is you DO want and speak to this. Let your child know what the YES is.
Ideas for you:
Instead of “NO you can’t have your candy before lunch!”, try “Yum, your candy is good, isn’t it? After lunch you can pick a piece to eat if you like.”
Instead of “NO, don’t throw your toy cars! Quit it!”, try “Toy cars are for driving along the floor as fast as they can! These balls are perfect for throwing…”
Instead of “NO, absolutely not, you can’t spend the night at Molly’s house!” try, “You and Molly had ideas for a slumber party. When you are 8-years-old you can do sleep-overs. I wonder if having a play-date all day long might be an idea?”
Instead of “No no no! Enough with the video games! Go outside NOW!” try, “Man, you are having fun! Your 30 minutes is up playing video games. Can you find a stopping point, please? Then we can get ready to head outside for our hike…”
Instead of NO, look to what the YES is and share that.
The cool thing? The more it is a YES, or a “here is what you CAN do”, the more a child feels heard…able to grow their competent and capable self a bit more…be focused on behavior that is preferred…have their attention on possibilities rather than limitations.
And when your child STILL refuses to go in the direction you are attempting to gently guide them towards…when they persist with exactly what you don’t want? The YES in all that is your calm, consistent follow through:
“You are having a hard time driving your cars fast on the floor. You really want to throw them. I’m worried they will hurt something or someone. Up they go to the counter. After a while you can try again.” And you calmly follow through…working hard at being okay with the big feelings sure to express themselves. Allowing those feelings!
“You are really, really disappointed that you can’t have a slumber party with Molly. I know you are upset with me. I understand. I’d be mad at my mom, too, if I couldn’t have the kind of fun I wanted.” And you sit in it and let those upset feelings pour out until your daughter is ready to be receptive to other ideas…or not . Time always helps…
And all of this? It, over time and with your ability to be intentional with just what you say and then do, grows a child who can manage themselves well, feel respected and then BE respectful, listen, cooperate, discuss, figure out just what they like and don’t like and what to do about that.
They can feel capable, competent, in charge of themselves.
And when NO is an absolute, it is now way more likely to be heard and respected.
How cool is that? My Momism from G’mom. If you like this, you may like my No No NO! article…:-)
Thank you, mom, for the very real difference you made in mine and many others’ lives. I continue to learn from and grow because of you…
Alice
Author and Parent Coach