It’s hard, you know. To PAUSE.
To respond calmly rather than explode or grit our teeth extra hard with a scowl on our face as we, yet again, try to “straighten out” our kids’ behavior.
It’s hard. Sometimes downright impossible.
Yet consider this–what we want is for our children to control themselves—isn’t that why we try ever so hard to get them to STOP, to choose differently, to say the right things, feel the right way…to finally LISTEN to us and all of our wisdom? “Please, just control yourself for heaven’s sake!” And yet, we say and want this while we often demonstrate just the opposite…
If we want them to (ultimately) control themselves then we have to control OUR selves.
It really can be rather unsettling to realize your 18-month-old can leave you feeling entirely OUT of control. It makes way more sense when it is your 16-year-old who does. Either way, this button pushing behavior is way more about us then them.
It is a continual opportunity to focus first on OUR selves so we can pull ourselves together (even a semblance of “together” can make a real and positive difference). To breathe. To encourage ourselves. To get a bit of physical space for just a moment. To pause and dig deep for a bit of calm.
Because then–THEN we can step back in with a bit clearer of an intention, a bit more self-control, a bit more CALM. And yes, “acting-as-if” is totally okay, for what we focus on grows 
And when we can do this (even just some of the time) we are now in a position to positively influence our children.
NOW they can feel a bit safer and more secure because their number one person in life (yes, even for a teen who acts as if you are absolutely NOT number one any more…) can keep it together NO MATTER what they decide to do.
Now they can count on you. What an amazing feeling that is for any one who is struggling–that they can count on another no matter what.
Trust. Respect. Connection. All of this occurs–even if the behavior is STILL testy, reactive, button pushing. Just think, for a child who is working hard to manage something difficult, to have their special adult stay calm, connected, gently firm, there and present–wow. What a feeling.
What a way to help a child work through what they are struggling with.
And it really does all begin with us taking control of ourselves, our feelings, our behavior. Something, by the way, we CAN control…unlike our often futile attempts at controlling our child
PAUSE today.
Take the moment you need and find some semblance of calm inside you–even if all it is is to say to yourself “I’m looking for calm!” as you continue to seethe. Now go respond to your child and all that is stirring things up. Notice what is different. Because something will be. Whether it is a less intense situation, a child who actually surprises you with a better choice or quicker resolution, or that YOU emerge from all this reactivity still feeling pretty okay. Steadier. Less churned up. Notice and then appreciate the iota of difference it made. In time, it all adds up. And it makes a real difference.
A relationship building, positive influence difference. Keep at it.
What we focus on grows.
Need help? Check out each of my books.
Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam