To cry or not to cry.
This really can stir up worry and anxiety for many parents of babies. Whether it is in regards to sleep or any other part of the day. And we hear different things from all different parenting styles–making it all the more concerning and confusing.
I’ve heard the range from:
“Is it okay to let my baby cry to sleep” to“Babies should never cry” to“What do I do when she cries!”
I listen to those solid in their choice of certain ways to parent–from Peaceful Parenting to Positive Parenting to Attachment Parenting to whatever other styles there are out there, and I hear passionate voices all speaking to what feels right to them–yet in reality it can be so different from parent to parent, family to family, child to child.
I am most concerned about all the parents who are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and uncertain over their choices, perhaps feeling like a bad parent as yet again, their baby cries, or yet again there’s been a rough night of lack of sleep or a day that felt like nothing you did helped your baby settle.
And I’m truly concerned about the tendency we have to declare there is only one right way to be with our baby—that my style is the right style and you are doing it all wrong. What a way to undermine our confidence, to muddy the waters, to make it more difficult to navigate what can be an overwhelming experience–to discover what truly works for us, our family, our circumstance, our baby.
Babies cry. It is a form of communication.
Consider this–what do you want most to communicate to your baby? Fast forward to preschool years, where do you want to be as their naturally volcanic feelings erupt daily? Fast forward to teen years and think about what you hope for the most–self-direction? Ability to manage the emotional upheavals inherent in teen years? Able to feel capable and in charge and strong in their selves?
It begins with your baby. They cry. Our job? To use these early and simpler experiences to grow our ability to be comfortable in their upset, to set the foundation for them to learn to be in upset and to manage it well. Find a way to move the anxiety it stirs up over, the lack of confidence over…and step into the cry gently, respectfully.
It is not about “making them stop crying”, it is instead about
learning what is making your baby tick, discovering what they need that can help them settle.
How does this look? Perhaps:
“I hear you. You are upset. What is it you need?” as you rest a hand on their body, draw in near, use a quiet and gentle voice.
“Is your diaper wet? Shall we change you?” “Are you feeling hungry? Let’s see what we can do about that.”
“You are really upset. I wonder if it is all the commotion around you that makes it hard for you. Let’s move into a quieter place and see if that helps.”
“You woke and need a little help re-settling. I’m here. Let’s see what can help you head back into sleep.”
And maybe they still cry, and you try something else. It is a process and it is meant to be respectful…and it is meant to communicate to your baby that they are heard, you are near, they can feel safe–even if upset, and that you have confidence in their growing ability to soothe themselves.
Every single baby is different and what works for one baby to soothe themselves may be quite different from another.
My two girls were entirely different–the first, mellow, rarely cried–she was the one at 7-months who woke in her crib with vomit all over, grinning from ear to ear at me. Her cries only came when she was REALLY sad or uncomfortable and it was clear what she needed. She was easy to soothe…our company and answering her need was all that was necessary.
My second? She cried her first two hours of life, wanting nothing but to cry. And her tears flowed easily and often as a baby–sometimes leaving me a bit at a loss as to just what it was she truly needed, other times being quite clear what pushed her upset button. Those unclear times? I just kept asking, watching, and respecting that she just needed to cry…talking soothingly and moving slowly seemed to really help her re-center.
As young adults? So similar to their baby selves! The eldest tends to let things roll off her back, grinning through even the tough times–until she’s had enough and the feelings pour out; the youngest shares her strong feelings about many things quite often, leaving me sometimes missing what really is pushing her upset button. Just like when they were little. And I know they both feel respected for how they move through life and how they manage their upset in ways that work for them. I like to believe it is in big part because we respected their cries from day one.
Babies cry and it is okay.
Respond gently, respectfully, let their cries help you learn
more about who they are.
And trust that how you respond can help grow the strong foundation for their future ability to manage their feelings well. You, too–for becoming a parent demands we grow ourselves–and these cries are our opportunity to get started. You no longer need to feel overwhelmed–your baby will help you discover what works, trust this.
It really is okay.
For more about babies you may like: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/11/babies-capable-and-competent-from-birth/and be sure to check out Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care http://www.janetlansbury.com for a rich library of articles to help you grow your ability to parent your little one respectfully. She is wonderful!
I think the most important thing about sleep training is for you to feel ok with that. That’s why I chose no CIO very gentle method (called Hold With Love from here http://parental-love.com/shop/baby-sleep-training – how cute is that?!). But I also have friends using Ferber’s and until they feel fine, the baby will be fine I believe. Mommy nows, right?
Hello Wendy,
Thank you for taking a moment to share, I appreciate this! It really does come down to a parent feeling confident and calm; and respect for both baby and parent.What is so important is for parents to understand crying is communication and to really listen, first and foremost, to understand what their baby needs. Sleep, diaper, nourishment, etc. I do not feel babies need to be “trained” to go to sleep. Sleep is a natural state–it is how we respectfully help our little one let sleep come that is essential and this often requires a parent feeling comfortable and confident in whatever “methods” they choose and the ability to observe and respond accordingly. Again, thank you for sharing!