“No no!”
“I said NO.” 
“Stop that!”
“Come here to mama right now.”
“I said, come here!”
Then maybe the Arm Grab or Yank.
Or the Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.
Definitely the “ARGH! You didn’t LISTEN.”
Sound familiar?
Toddlers. Oh so trying, testing, totally terrific, too 
(Preschoolers, too. Or maybe elementary. Definitely teens…and really, as you read this, know that if you have an older-than-toddler-child, it is still much the same…with tweaks, of course…)
Their job?
To be increasingly in charge of themselves (Think: future independent young adult).
To try things on for size–over and over and over again.
To see–truly SEE–if they can count on YOU to act upon what you say–and hopefully the first time.
To ask of us to be clear about what it is we want–and if we aren’t, they’ll just test us once again…to try to be SURE of what we want…
And boy, does this often get a rise out of us. Just BEHAVE. Do what I say and without a fuss (hopefully without a fuss! Which is why we say NO and STOP and Come here over and over again, hoping to avoid that fuss, because it just requires even MORE time and it can be so darn embarrassing).
Hence the repeating we do. The ARGH and Arm Yank or Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.
DISCLAIMER: Never do I recommend these EVER (except for the ARGH!).
And it begins to ramp up. We wonder why they KEEP testing us…why these often adorable, delightful, joyful little ones look us in the eye and hit or bite or ignore us once again.
Here’s the deal. These toddlers? They need us to be calm.
Consistent. Clear.
They need us to communicate with OUR words just what it is we want. They need us to show them–patiently and often–just what it is we are wanting them to do and learn and how to BE. That Arm Yank? Hand Slap? Bottom Swat? All they really teach is that it is okay to yank, slap, swat–not something we want our child doing to another, not something we should ever do.
All they really teach is that Mama or Papa do THIS when I do THAT. Not very effective for really helping a little one learn about their world or themselves. All it really does is turn their impish selves ON even more and test, act up, push your buttons–probably not what you intend to have happen!
A few ideas for you as you work on guiding your toddler in positive, productive, and healthy ways:
Describe what you see, first: “You are busy pulling all the clothes out of the drawer!” (this, after you spent all day just trying to get the laundry put away!).” Then you head over next to your toddler who is wonderfully practicing just the opposite of what she saw you doing as you put laundry away and say, “Mama just finished getting all these shirts and socks IN to the drawer! Can you plunk them back in with me? One, two, three…in they go.”
And as your toddler looks at you with that impish twinkle and runs away in circles to just come back and take armfuls back OUT of the drawer? Instead of the “NO” or the Arm Yank, Hand Slap or the Bottom Swat followed by the “I told you to stop!” try:
“It’s too hard for you to keep the clothes where they belong right now. I’m going to scoop them up and put them away.” And you can physically insert your body between drawers and toddler as you (cheerfully–or as cheerfully as possible…or maybe not cheerfully at all…) dump the clothes back in (to be folded once again at a later date–maybe), then turn to your tot and say, “Up you go and let’s check on kitty…or something outside…or a book…or…”
Now you’ve followed through with what you’ve said–that the clothes belong in the drawer. You’ve given a choice for them to join in with you—and keeping it light-hearted you are staying connected in a way that speaks loudly to a young child. You’ve stopped them without punishment and instead helped them through one of their testing moments (remember, testing is really all about US–whether we can pass their test by being calm and consistent and clear). Now they can learn a bit more about managing themselves.
Now you’ve just stepped in as the GUIDE they need…
…rather than the rather harried disciplinarian who is really more concerned about control and losing control…Okay. So what about the more extreme moments? Hitting, biting, BIG tears/screams–-the same thing goes for these.
Stop the hurting behavior with, “I will stop you from hitting/biting me, it HURTS.”
Then affirm feelings involved/describe what you see, “You are really frustrated because you’d like me to play with you and I’m so busy talking to papa.”
Offer up what it is you WANT–-and how they can participate in that: “It’s so hard to wait when I’m busy, isn’t it? Would you like me to pick you up while you wait for Papa and me to be done?”
And maybe it is about pausing in your conversation with your spouse and giving your full attention to your tot as you work at settling them down…picking them up, talking a bit…and THEN: “Papa and I need to finish talking now. Do you want me to keep holding you, or are you ready to get down and find a book to look at while you wait?”
With LESS attention on the “mis” behavior and much more on how you’d like them to move through upsetting times, you will discover real growth to occur (after you repeat a million times…!)
THIS is guiding at its best. Which means, in the long run,
a “disciplined” child–someone who CAN manage themselves, who knows what to do and how to be, who will more likely listen and respond and cooperate or collaborate.
It takes time. It takes PAUSE. It takes deep breathing, encouraging self talk, the ability to let go and step alongside and be fully present. It is hard.
And yet, it is even harder when we don’t do this–for all the yuck ramps up and as your child gets older it gets WAY more difficult. So today, when you find yourself talking across the room to your toddler trying to get them to STOP, COME, do it differently,
PAUSE, first. Consider what words to use to help your child know clearly what it is you WANT–instead of what you don’t want. Then go to them and show them.
It will pay dividends. Huge ones. And it will, most definitely, make your job easier. Really!
If you’ve enjoyed this article, here is another about toddlers: Toddlers! Totally Terrific…
And another about all-things-NO! can be found here.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam