Oh how often we find ourselves saying just this,
“How many times do I have to tell you?!”
And we get frustrated because, even after the ump-TEENTH time our kids STILL aren’t listening. Things spiral up, we find ourselves yelling, often punishing, doing whatever it takes to “get them to behave, to just LISTEN.”
Consider this…what would it take from YOU for your child to know, without a doubt, you’d only ask once or twice at best? What could be different in your household if this was the case? I believe you’d discover more of a positive flow to your day, more cooperative and collaborative children, feeling a calmer connection and definitely healthier relationships…
And children who listen. How would THAT feel?!
Family Circus
Consider the messages we give when we ask over and over again for them to listen and behave, yet never follow through with action. I believe some are:
“You don’t have to trust that what I say, I mean and will do.” “You can’t count on me, for I don’t keep my promises.” “My Mad is your fault and your responsibility!” Whew.
Probably not what you intend. And how confusing for our children. Or maybe it sounds like this, “How many times do I need to tell you?” “I don’t know…maybe 16?” For really, it IS up to US how many times we decide to ask or tell our children whatever it is we are wanting them to act upon. No wonder things begin to spiral up, get more intense, at times explode…here we are asking them to decide for us what it is WE want. Confusing!
If we intend to grow listeners and enjoy the cooperation we really can have with our children, I believe we must first focus on ourselves and become clear on just what we want.
It is then our job to say to them exactly
what we mean…and to follow through, calmly and consistently,
by doing just what we said.
When we can calmly and consistently follow through–-ask only once (maybe twice… 🙂 ?!), then step in and connect, guiding them gently–then our children begin to learn they truly can trust us, count on us, believe us when we say, “It is time to…”
We keep our promises.
What a way to role model integrity. What a way to show them what “keeping promises” means. What a way to let them know they can count on us. This can be difficult for it can mean we end up with…
…a tantruming child who is resisting in all ways possible as you calmly follow through with buckling them up–“I know, it really makes you mad when we have to get loaded up in the car to go. You’d really like to stay. I’m buckling you and then we will head on down the road!”
…removing them from a heated interaction–“You are super upset. Let’s go find a place for you to settle down and when you are feeling calmer, we can try again…”
…putting their beloved toy away–“When you keep throwing this toy, it can hurt something or someone. Time to put it up and give it and you a break….”
…saying NO to using the car (yes, teens have tantrums, too) or playing with a friend or going to a birthday party–“It really saddens you that you have to say no to your friend today. I bet when you have finished up with the work you need to do, we can make different plans. Let me know when you are ready to do so!”
The more we can PAUSE, calm ourselves,
consider what we really want for our child–what we really want them to learn–then we are better able to “ask only once”–clearly and calmly. And then follow through.
Keep your promises today. Even if it is for a lost privilege. Know that as you do so, you are role modeling for your child just what you want the most–a child who can count on you, trust in others, live with integrity.
Keep calm connection and clarity at the forefront in all you do…act-as-if when necessary…and notice what is different as a result.
If you enjoyed this article, here’s another you may find helpful: Save Your NO!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2018 Alice Hanscam