How would YOU feel if…
…a shirt was suddenly and unexpectedly pulled over your head from behind?
…people around you talked about how you perform on the toilet?
…people kept poking you, tickling you, and getting their face right up in yours when you were totally engrossed in a complex thought process (such as learning something new, or immersed in a good mystery book…)?
…in the midst of relishing a fabulous dish of fettuccine a washcloth was swiped back and forth across your mouth? And maybe the plate even taken away?
…you were constantly interrupted as you tried to stay focused on complicated instructions for constructing an elaborate piece of equipment?
…you were told “you’re okay!” as you grieved over a lost loved one? Or, “it doesn’t hurt!” following an injury that will require multiple stitches?
…you were told you needed to eat more even when you felt full? Or that you were all done even when you were still hungry?
…someone unexpectedly swooped you up and moved you without warning?
…things were pushed into your mouth without consideration for whether you even wanted them in your mouth?
I’d venture to say you’d feel upset, frustrated, mad, startled, misunderstood, confused. And this is what we often do without hesitating when it comes to our babies and toddlers.
Respect. It is key and it begins at birth. 
Let your little one know before you put her shirt on—“It’s time to put your shirt on over your head. Are you ready? (look for the eye contact, the smile, the wiggle in response…look for the arms coming up or the eyes squeezing tight in preparation…) Okay! Here it goes…o-v-e-r your head…”
Keep interruptions to a minimum or not at all when your baby is concentrating on reaching for and examining something or your toddler is working hard at putting the square block in the round hole. Need to interrupt? Move next to them and pause briefly as you watch them, then let them know softly–“You are really studying the way your rattle looks as you move it! It is time to…I’m going to pick you up and we can bring the rattle with us. Ready? Here we go!”
Ask before you wipe mouths--better yet, give your baby a wet washcloth and let them do it all on their own—“Time to get the sticky food off your mouth. Here’s the washcloth. Can you wipe up?” “I need to clean off your chin. Ready? (as you hold it up and show them…look for their response!) You ARE ready. Wipe-wipe-wipe…nice and gentle. All done! Thank you for helping.”
Warn your baby before you pick them up—“Daddy’s going to pick you up so we can go….” Pause briefly and wait until your baby responds (A wiggle? A smile? Arms up?). Or at least pause for this slows you down physically, allowing your baby to be ready, as well.
Ask first if they want their pacifier, or another bite, and respect their response—“Looks like you are all done.” And stay tuned in to whether your baby WANTS you to keep tickling, poking, being in their face. Babies are excellent at letting you know they need a break. You can be equally excellent at respecting this. “I can tell you are all done with our tickle game! I will stop now.”
Always, always honor and affirm feelings—no need to make them ‘all better’–more importantly, just be there to name, ask questions, comfort. Now your little one can begin to understand their feelings–the start to managing them as they grow. And helping US manage OURS as the struggles and feelings grow in intensity–ours and theirs–over the years 
Respect. The groundwork is laid from the beginning. The respect you show and grow from day one becomes a way of life–and this pays off hugely come teen years.
Start right now and PAUSE before you act.
Keep respect at the forefront of your thoughts and your actions will follow. Know what feels respectful, be clear on nurturing respect, role model it constantly…and you may discover that parenting becomes easier.
And YES, you can begin today interacting with greater respect no matter the age of your child. Let PAUSE and calm connection lead the way. It speaks volumes.
It begins with you.
Want to know more about babies? Check out Important Moments in the Day of a Baby.
With respectful appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2014 Alice Hanscam
I love this post and am always appreciative of reminders of this approach. Here’s the thing: when there’s something that -needs- to happen (and a lot of these are needs – I’d rather not let my 9 month old walk around with a rice cereal beard for hygiene reasons, and when shirts need to get changed they -need- to get changed..) it feels disingenuous to ask – and then feels terrible if he expresses he -doesn’t- want these things to happen, and then I say, well, we have to anyway because XYZ…
Any thoughts on when this is the case?
Oh yes what a wonderful question! When something needs to happen, then it is about saying, “Your face has rice cereal all over it! We need to wash it. Would you like to wash wash all by yourself (as you hold out a wet cloth) or shall I do it for you?” And you pause. Maybe he’ll take the cloth happily and suck, squish, and perhaps get some cereal off his face :-)…then you get to, when he is all done with his turn, say, “You washed your face! Now it’s my turn to do a bit, too…here we go…” And you move slowly, respectfully to do so. Think of it this way–your “Are you ready?” isn’t waiting forever for them to be ready, it is typically following the heads up that his diaper needs to be changed, allowing him to finish what he might be doing (“Your diaper needs changing. When you are all done with the book, we will do so..”), then the “It is time to change your diaper. I’m going to pick you up and off we can go!” Respectful as you move more slowly, describe what needs to happen, what you are doing, giving a choice, pausing to say “are you ready?” as you hold the wash cloth next to his little cheek…and if he squirrels away, “Oh! You’d really like to go play. I am going to wipe gently…” and then you do so.
Let me know if this helps! Needs are important to address–and how you do so makes it respectful. Whenever you can give your child a chance to take charge of even a bit of the process it becomes quite a rich learning experience. And always following through with what you say you will do is essential.
With appreciation for your quest to parent respectfully…
Alice