“I just have to finish my cry.” (Teacher Tom)
All the way. Completely.
I truly appreciate this article on Teacher Tom’s blog. All about sitting with another in an uncomfortable place. This is something our children are ever so good at giving us LOTS of opportunity to do–to grow ourselves as we get better and better at sitting in another’s upset, sad, discomfort without trying to fix or judge or excuse.
This, I believe, is true empathy.It is the ability to step
into another’s shoes, accept their experience and feelings as based
in their truth (not necessarily ours), and connect.
Not fix or judge or excuse, but connect.
This is difficult. We all want those LOUD feelings to just go away–way less embarrassing, uncomfortable, aggravating.
We all want our deeply hurt child to be no longer deeply hurt (and to make sure the person who hurt their feelings so deeply apologizes! Go check out my “say your sorry” article! 
). We all want that toy throwing, foot stomping, door slamming, tantrum throwing child (or teen!) to COOL THEIR JETS. Now. For heaven’s sake hurry up we don’t have time for you to finish your cry completely. Pull it together!
And yet…take a moment and consider the messages we can communicate when we let our anxiety over our child’s big (and very real) feelings get in the way of connecting in a relationship-building way. Consider these:
...”I can’t handle how you are behaving and feeling.” Whew. For a child to hear that the most mature person cannot handle how the least mature person is feeling–that is truly scary.
...”How you feel doesn’t matter…isn’t important…is not valued…” Yikes. Probably never what we want to communicate…we ALL want our feelings to matter and be valued–to be heard and understood and welcomed into a safe, loving place…
...”You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset…” Talk about rocking a child’s world and undermining the trust on which all is built.
...”You need ME to tell you how you SHOULD be feeling, handling this, thinking, behaving…” Now there’s an often well-meaning response, but all it really does is undermine our child’s confidence in themselves and ability to manage themselves…and have them turning more and more to others to fix, tell how, think for…
…”How you feel isn’t okay/good/allowed. You need to feel differently (aka, happy)!” Here’s the deal–as much as “happy” is way easier, if our response to our child’s big upset feelings is to get happy, then we are displacing just what makes us whole and wonderful human beings–our incredible and valuable range of feelings. The more deeply we feel, the more incredible joy and connection is ours to be had.
Okay. So those are some of the messages we give another when we are unable to “let them finish their cry.” Here’s a short story for you I shared initially on Teacher Tom’s post that highlights the power of letting someone finish their cry:
“To be allowed to finish your cry…how essential for all things relationship-building. I know a young mama whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over a vacuum incident and pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t comfort him, she paused…sat herself down across the room from him and waited for him to finish his cry.
She found her self quietly talking to him, affirming his upset, and eventually (maybe for her own comfort!) starting to sing. This had her little guy pausing a bit in his Big Cry…then toddling across the floor to fling himself into her arms and finishing his cry. Now mama cried as she gratefully comforted her son and realized what a gift she had just given him: an opportunity to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm and connected (even from a distance) even though he couldn’t (what a way to feel safe and secure). So much learned…and mama just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset!”
I just have to finish my cry. YES. To grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit in another’s discomfort is a real gift for all.
Today, see what works for you to PAUSE in your child’s upset.
Consider letting them “finish their cry completely.” Decide how that might look for you and for your child. Think about empathy…and how, in their truth, whatever pushed their button was worth the big feelings.
Let them know you are there and be a quiet presence for them. Notice what it takes for you–talk to your anxiety, your discomfort, your irritation. Discover what works for you to manage YOUR feelings so your child can learn to manage theirs.
And wait. Your child will let you know just when he needs more than your company…or you will know because you’ve waited quietly alongside (or across the room!), staying present and keeping them company and tuned in to just what they need the most. Trust yourself–and value the discomfort YOU are feeling. It is what makes YOU a whole and wonderful human being.
Thank you, Teacher Tom. Your writing resonates, empowers, and inspires.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2015 Alice Hanscam