Instead of “What’s wrong with ME” why not ask
what’s wrong with our culture? Or hopefully, what is RIGHT
that we can be sure to fuel and grow?
I ask this, following a heartfelt conversation with a young woman wondering, confused, even worried that something is wrong with HER that she doesn’t “feel” the attraction she thinks she is supposed to when a fellow kisses her.
You see, things really are much the same as they were 35 or so years ago when I was a teen and college student. The fairly constant message then (and now) was, “What makes you a person of value is how attractive you are to the opposite sex.” Or the same sex. No matter. “Luckily” all the media-driven influence on our culture was limited to television and print when I navigated it.
Now, we are engulfed.
And even the young women who grow up feeling and knowing their inner strength, find themselves doubting. Worried. Thinking something is wrong with them that, following one or two dates, they just aren’t FEELING the attraction the fellow is bestowing on them. Maybe “just” through a kiss…but a kiss? It is intimate. And when it is too soon or with the wrong person, you aren’t going to “feel it.” No matter what every single screen oriented ANY thing tells you. No matter that every show you watch and music video played and latest popular book read and sign you see and words heard tell you. And yet our young women–even the strong ones–find themselves thinking THEY are “wrong.” No no no. It is our media/tech-driven culture that has magnified all of this and engulfed us.
No wonder our young women are confused. Worried. Anxious. And I am most certain many of our young men are, as well. The pressure on them to be a certain way, as determined by the media and tech world, has become equally intense and unhealthy.
We need to do better. Much, much better. Way beyond all the work each of us are doing within our own families.
We need to push back on our media and tech driven culture and be loud, consistent, and constant about demanding better. Or rather, demanding excellence. We need to be clear so they can be clear, too. Both the media AND our children.
And we need to be clear for ourselves.
We need to know, without a doubt, the kind of future adults we hope our children will grow into.
We need to know clearly what we are role modeling–and be intentional in doing more of what we see is healthy and right for our kids.
We need to empower our children from early on by understanding and affirming their feelings, focusing on their strengths and abilities rather than falling into the “good girl” and “good job” trap, or the “it’s my job to make you feel a certain way” trap.
We need to foster relationships that will have our eventual teen or adult wanting to turn to us as a resource.
We need to take responsibility for ourselves and all that we say and do so our children can do the same.
And we need to let all sources of our media and tech driven culture that undermines the health of our children (and us) know, without a doubt, we demand better. We want excellence.
What we focus on grows. Let’s look to the excellence. Let’s find it and appreciate it and live it.
Let’s help these young women and men feel strong from the inside out and know, without a doubt, that they are exactly right and okay just as they are. That their feelings are honored, and they can feel confident in respecting just this–how they feel.
Let’s help these young men and women know that we are a strong resource they can count on when those doubts and worries do worm their way in, for they will. And let’s help them each know that we have confidence in their ability to manage those doubts and worries, for they ARE strong, from the inside out, despite those doubts and worries. Or maybe, because of them.
Let’s take full responsibility for our individual roles in creating and perpetuating the very culture we are living in and let’s do so by taking the necessary, intentional, and thoughtful action steps towards the excellence we demand.
Let’s live the respect, care, and compassion we want our children to feel and grow into.
Here’s to the young woman who felt safe enough with me to share her feelings. And here’s to each of you working hard at growing future adults strong and clear from the inside out.
And here’s to asking for, finding, and living the excellence–no matter what the media and tech world portrays.
Thank you for listening…
Alice