“No more hitting! Go to your room!”
“We have to leave, it’s late. If you aren’t going to listen to me, then there’ll be no bedtime stories when we get home!”
“No screen time. None. Zippo. Nada. Not until your room is entirely clean. Oh! And if you are going to use THAT tone with me, then there will be no playing with your buddy tomorrow!” 
“There’s no way you can have the toy back. Not until you learn how to play with it nicely!”
“QUIT FIGHTING. Argh. Both of you–to time out!”
Sound familiar? Sound productive?
Usually not, unless compliance and obedience in the moment is your goal, and long-term frustration and discontent equally your goal.
Here’s the deal. When we punish we are really saying “You need to behave the “right way,” the way I want you to behave, otherwise I will lose it and won’t feel the good and in control parent I want to be!”
We tend to be more reactive because we are frustrated they aren’t doing what we want them to do. We are exerting outside control on our kids–trying to get them to do it our way–rather than helping them learn to manage themselves from the inside out. We tend to not listen. And yes, often what we are trying so hard to make them do might be of benefit to our child, the situation, but the more it is about our upset, the less they are really learning what it is we hope they will learn.
Instead they are most likely learning:
“Mom loses it when I…” (now their focus is on us, rather on themselves). “I sure know how to push Dad’s button!” “How I feel doesn’t matter, it is how mom feels that matters.” “I need others to control my behavior.” “I’m not competent…” “Dad has no confidence in me or my ideas or…” “I can’t control myself.”
Probably not the lessons you hoped for. And definitely relationship depleting and ultimately making your job so much harder, for your punishments?
They’ll need to get tougher and tougher over time, since the lesson learned is really that your child needs you in order for them to behave. Talk about exhausting…
Let’s look at a different approach–a respectful and relationship building one.
It takes more time, yet in the long run it makes your job so much easier, because your children grow themselves from the inside out, learning to manage themselves, learning to understand feelings, to collaborate and cooperate and work with you. Really!
Here are the same examples for you:
~”Hitting is never okay, it hurts. I can see you are upset. It looks like you really were annoyed when your brother surprised you.” PAUSE. Give space for your child to respond. “Can you tell him about the mad you feel?” And to the brother, “It hurt when she hit you! She really didn’t like it when you surprised her. You enjoy sneaking up and surprising her–it can be a fun game when she likes it, too.” PAUSE. “Do you two have ideas for how this game could work so both of you enjoy it?”
~”It’s time to go n
ow. I can tell you are having a lot of fun and don’t feel ready to leave. What is one more thing you’d like to do before we get our shoes and coats on?” PAUSE. Listen. “Okay! When you are finished with your turn, we’ll head out.” Maybe your child still resists–“You really still don’t feel ready. Now we are going. Off we go to the car–!” And you pick them up, shoes in hand, and head to the car, calmly, matter-of-factly, ready to turn on the music so you have something to distract YOU as they turn their screaming volume up high…
~”When your room is picked up, you can watch your show.” THAT tone gets used. PAUSE. “It makes you mad that you have to work on your room, first. There is a lot of stuff on your floor–I bet it looks pretty overwhelming to you! Would it help if I picked up the clothes and you worked on filling your bookshelf?” PAUSE. “Looks like you aren’t ready for my help. I’ll be in the kitchen. If you change your mind, let me know.” And off you go…
~”Blocks aren’t for throwing! Let’s see how high of a tower we can build with them, instead.” “Hmmm…you still feel like throwing. I’ll put the blocks away for now and you and I can go find all the soft things in the house that we CAN throw!” “You really want the blocks back. When you’ve calmed down (and I can help you), you can try building with them again…”
~”Sounds like the two of you are having a hard time working together. I hear a lot of loud and upset voices.” PAUSE. Space for your kids to respond. “You both have ideas for how to play the game.” PAUSE. “I wonder what the two of you can work out so both ideas could be used?” And keep on pausing…
Respectful. Thoughtful. Your focus on what it is you really want your child to learn–to use their words, to control their bodies, to express their feelings appropriately and productively, to know what they CAN do to build friendships, to communicate, to grow well.
Now you’re communicating YOUR confidence in who they are becoming; that their feelings and ideas are valued; that they matter; that you respect them. Now they are more likely to respect you, as a result.
What does this require from you?
Pausing, first and foremost. Calming your own upset. Being clear on just what you want the most–including what qualities you intend to foster in your children AND what you want in the moment. Then stepping into it with the calm confidence and clarity necessary for guiding your child.
Often it isn’t very pretty. You can feel exhausted. A wreck. Embarrassed, even. Your adrenaline at times can get the best of you. I encourage you to keep focused on respectful parenting–on relationship building interactions–on the kind of adult you intend to launch into the world. And this is what you show your child as you guide them through the tumultuous times.
Show them how to PAUSE. Show them about feelings. Show them how blocks are to be used and how others’ feelings are to be respected. Show them what collaboration looks like. Show them respect by being respectful–and this includes honoring their choice to NOT listen or behave and calmly following through with the results of this.
Consequences really are just the result of your child’s choice and an opportunity to guide them a bit more towards the “end” you intend. Let go of controlling and instead show your child today. And know it is a journey, a process that deserves the respect of time.
You can do this! It initially takes extra time and energy…so be sure you are depositing into YOUR self-care account regularly–then you’ll have the patience and resilience necessary. And the best parts? Parenting gets easier and relationships can thrive. Truly. How cool is that?
A resource to help you along: “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”
Here’s to respectful parenting,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Thank you so much. One thing I love about your writing is how you give so many practical, pragmatic examples. I always take away something that I – and more importantly, my kids – really appreciate.
Thank you for taking a moment to share with me, I appreciate this! Something I often struggled with were what words to use–hence it has become a big part of what I write, for it is so tough “in the moment” or in the midst of a troubling situation to come up with them. I am grateful what I write helps you and your kids in the here and now! Thank you.