Story time!
A Mama and a five-month-old baby. Floor time for the chubby little guy. Fussiness begins. Mama says, “You need something. I wonder if you’d like to play airplane?” Followed by her signing airplane, flying her hand slowly across his field of vision.
Squeals of delight! Body wiggles and smiles spread. Mama picks up her son, saying, “You want to play airplane!” Down on the floor Mama goes, baby on her legs, flying gently back and forth while singing a lovely airplane song. More smiles and squeals of delight. Mama obviously got this request just right! 
Fast forward and hour or so. Baby on floor again, beginning to fuss. Mama says, “I hear you. You need something. Would you like to play airplane again?” Her hands signing airplane, flying gently across her son’s field of vision.
Silence. Baby turns his head aside and stops his wiggling.
“Ahhh…”, Mama said, “You don’t want to play airplane. That isn’t what you want.” Baby turns again to look at her, fussing louder. “Let’s pick you up and see what you might need.” Up went Baby and LUNGE his little hands went toward her chest–“You are ready to eat! Let’s get settled on the couch…”
And off they went to nurse.
What a simply wonderful, respectful, relationship building round of interactions. What is communicated to her baby as she listens, asks questions, and respects just what it is he is asking for? I believe:
“I trust you to know just what you need.
I have confidence in your ability to manage yourself. I respect how you feel and what you need. You can trust me to
listen and understand. You can trust me
to answer your needs.”
What a way to begin building the foundation of inner direction, self-awareness, of a child who understands what THEY like, don’t like, can do, cannot do, are responsible for, are not responsible for, how they feel…what a way to begin building a mutually respectful, positive, deeply connected relationship. What a way to grow Baby’s language comprehension, future language skills, and all other brain healthy things. What a way to begin growing a capable, competent child. What a way to grow, period.
Mama could’ve ignored her baby’s desire to NOT play airplane the second time around. She could have just picked him up anyway and begun playing what she knew to be a favorite game. Maybe he’d have settled into it for a short while, but more likely he would have gotten louder in his upset.
What might have she communicated by ignoring his signal for NOT playing airplane? I believe:
“You really don’t mean what you just told me. I know better than you what you meant.” Not a recipe for growing an inner-directed soul who knows just what they want…need…feel. Not a recipe for growing someone able to trust themselves.
“You really don’t feel this way, I know better than you how you feel.” Do we really want to grow future adults who need to look to others to know how they feel? And YES, sometimes we do “know better” how they feel–so naming that feeling and using our words to talk about what we will do is key: “I think you really need to sleep. Let’s try settling to a nap…”
“I don’t trust what you are trying to tell me.” And oh how we WANT them to grow their ability to trust themselves–and us!
“You can’t count on me to respect how you feel.” Respect. Key for healthy relationships and it begins in infancy.
No, instead Mama listened, watched, trusted her baby. She asked him questions and respected his response. Yes, five-month-old babies can tell us plenty–if we watch with care, talk about what we see, respect how they feel. They can tell us so many important things about themselves–and all the while learning so much about themselves, about us, about relationships, about…well…everything.
Even when we have to do something different from what Baby is asking for, we can do it with respect, care, questions, language that helps them understand a bit more.
We can do it gently, affirming out loud what they’d really like and why they may have to wait. We can build their trust in us by following through gently with just what we said needed to happen, “You really want to see Papa RIGHT AWAY. Your diaper is dirty and we need to change it first. Then you can go see Papa!” “You are ready to nurse. I need to use the bathroom first, and then we can settle on the couch together.” “I know you don’t want to get buckled in safely in your car-seat. We are headed out in the car and it is time. Let’s sing a song…”
It was with immense appreciation and joy that I witnessed this lovely, simple exchange between a Mama and Baby. It is in its simplicity that it speaks so loudly for the kind of relationships necessary in order to grow and live well.
Today, listen first. Ask questions. Respect choices. Be calm and consistent with your follow-through. Name and affirm feelings–always! And know, by doing so–no matter what age child you have–you’ve just created a relationship building experience.
How cool is that?
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam