Control. Obedience. Compliance. “Do as I say, NOW.” “You better, or else…” “I’ve got to make them behave!” “If you don’t stop NOW, I’m going to lose it…!”
Sound even remotely familiar? Feeling in control of…well…just about anything in our lives leaves us feeling better, more relaxed, confident. And so often we exert this control on our child and focus on making them behave a certain way so we CAN feel better, more relaxed, confident.
But a funny thing happens…
…at some point the harder we work at “making them behave” the more they push back. Resist. Fight us. Spiral up and up and up. Things fall apart, can get pretty yucky, and we might work even harder at “making them behave” so we can feel in control or we might throw up our hands and throw in the towel…
Either way, we feel far from better. And our relationship feels pretty crummy.
So what if, instead of working oh-so-hard to control another, we instead PAUSE and focus on ourselves, first? Figure out a way to take a deep breath and calm down a bit? Think about how WE want to feel, rather than how we need THEM to feel? Consider how to feel and behave (perhaps act-as-if?) no matter how the other decides to?
You know, be in control of ourselves? DECIDE to feel calm, confident, relaxed no matter how another chooses to be?
When we can take responsibility first for ourselves, get clear on what we intend and hope for, and then interact from this place of clarity and certainty and hopefully way more calmly, we are much more likely to influence our child in such a way THEY choose, on their own, to make more productive decisions, behave in a more positive way, grow and learn in the direction we hope for the most. Really.
Think about all the times things have gone well, productively, moved forward without everyone losing it–or at least a time YOU didn’t lose it. Consider how you were feeling. What you were doing–take note. It’s important. And it is this, as you pay attention to what works and has worked for you, that will grow and encourage and help you create the real and positive change you want.
Influence. Guidance. What a powerful way to build relationships. Control ourselves, first. Get clear about all we intend and act accordingly–from the inside out. It is rather hopeless, if you think about it, to constantly be trying to control another. Maybe it works now and again AND it will inevitably blow. And usually when you want it the least. Because really, the other person? Your child, perhaps? They can always say NO. And they do. Quite often! 
What can we truly control? Ourselves. Today as things spiral up, get reactive, or you find yourself beginning to pull your hair out over the lack of compliance and obedience, use this as your reminder to PAUSE.
Breathe deeply. Find a semblance of calm inside you. Think about just what it is you want the most in the situation–what you want your child to learn. Now step back in and respond to their antics based on what you want the most. It’s hard. And PAUSE is the key.
What a way to build relationships.
What a way to say, “You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you feel.” What a way to say, “Your feelings, ideas, and choices matter.” What a way to say “No matter what, you can count on me to be here with you.” What a way to realize and celebrate and embrace GROWTH.
Influence. Guidance. Respect for the process of growth. Now how does your relationship feel?Oh so much much better. Healthier. Real. Meaningful. Filled with trust and respect. Strong, from the inside out.
And yes, still filled with angst. But angst that, instead of relationship-depleting, becomes the trusted platform for all things growth. And growth is good. Always. Even when it is painful.
Exercise your PAUSE muscle today. And trust yourself.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam