“I’ve got to pick my battles!”
Pretty familiar, those words. If we haven’t said it ourselves, someone else has or we’ve been given the advice to “Pick your battle!”
Whether or not to have yet another fight with your child over cleaning up their toys, being home on time, dressing appropriately, putting their laundry away, keeping their hands to themselves, listening to you (the FIRST time), packing their backpack, remembering their homework, being respectful, NOT talking back or rolling eyes or using THAT tone of voice…is worth entering into yet again. Pick, because fighting over everything is just plain exhausting.
Feels like a battle, doesn’t it?
Fighting your way through their resistance, trying to
“get the upper hand”, “win”, be respected as the adult and the parent, to just get your child to behave…
And yet…think about this. If we go into something thinking “battle” (thank you screamfree), we are now preparing ourselves for a fight––for a win/lose situation. And boy, we’ve GOT to win this one. Because, well, we are the adult and we DO know better. Right?
It becomes a battle when we are out to get our child to do it the way WE want, the way WE see it should be, and perhaps the way it really ought to be much of the time. Perhaps. It becomes a battle when we can’t handle when our child makes a choice different from what we want and we work even harder to “get them to…”
And they work harder resisting resisting resisting. Let the battle continue.
Here’s my thought. What if we let go of “battle” and instead see the behavior as an opportunity to grow rather than a problem to fix—as a chance to let our child discover a bit more about themselves? About what they like and don’t like; what they can and cannot do; what is their responsibility and what isn’t…? Key things for healthy growth and future maturity–knowing more about yourself. Now what might you do?
I think you might…
…affirm your child’s feelings in the matter, letting them process a bit via a PAUSE on your part. A PAUSE that has you working at calming yourself down, as well 🙂
…ask questions first, rather than dictate and insist, then PAUSE so you have a chance to listen and consider. What a way to show respect! What a way to learn a bit more about how your child ticks.
…be clear about what the choices are, what is expected and then PAUSE once again to give your child the opportunity to respond, consider, maybe even offer up another idea.
…then step in and follow through calmly and matter-of-factly with whatever the choice is; with whatever the result might be from the choice made.
An example for you–homework freakout.
Oh no. Yet another afternoon of dragging your child through their homework. A dreaded time, for your child typically falls apart, throws a fit, stomps off, laments “I can’t DO this…” THIS time is different. THIS time you let a PAUSE lead the way and you let go of it being a battle you are out to win:
You: “This really isn’t working for you, is it? Your math is HARD. You look pretty tired and frustrated right now.” Affirming and acknowledging what is happening and how they are feeling is key.
Child: “I can’t DO this! It’s TOO hard. I just want to go outside and play…”
You: “Do you think some time outside would help? I know the math needs to be turned in tomorrow…what do you think would work best for you to get it done?” Asking questions rather than telling them what to do communicates your confidence in their capable selves able to figure things out.
Child: “I want to go outside NOW. I promise I’ll do the math later…”
You: “I bet that would feel really good. Here’s the deal–dinner is in an hour. Do you want to head out to play until dinner and then tackle your homework, or would you like to get it done before dinner? If it’s done before dinner, we will have time to play a board game after we eat…” Affirming their idea, giving them a clear framework for what they can expect.
Child: “Ummm….can you let me know when I should come in and do my math to get it done before dinner? I want to play Monopoly with you later…”
You: “Okay! Go have fun. I’ll check in in half an hour.” What a way to communicate your trust in their choice and ability to manage their choice.
Here’s the key, though. In half an hour your child probably will still want to play outside. That’s still a fair choice. You get to calmly remind them that doing homework after dinner is just fine–and it means Monopoly will have to wait until tomorrow. You are holding to your clear expectations without battling with your child over how he does homework. No threats to try to get them to still come in. Just a matter-of-fact reminder of results of certain choices.
So when dinner is done and it is homework time? One of two things will probably happen:
A child willing to tackle her math because you had respected their choice all along and stayed clear and firm about expectations…(and maybe a bit of moaning and groaning and attempts at still playing a game…)
OR…
A child who melts down because they really didn’t want to miss out on Monopoly.
And here is where you get to decide what
you want most to be learned.
If it is that you are the boss and what you say is what will happen then prepare for battle and what ultimately becomes pretty relationship depleting. This usually includes yelling at them or threatening losing out of all kinds of other things, or maybe even giving in and saying yes to the game (probably furthering the likelihood that tomorrow’s homework battle will be just as difficult and fiery…) Not a whole lot learned other than fighting is the way to be or if I (the child) push enough, mom gives in. Hmmmm.
Or, PAUSE. Stick to your promise of Monopoly tomorrow since your child’s choice was homework after dinner. Let your child melt down if that’s what they need to do. Start that affirming process again. Give them space. LET GO of the homework being done…for what is the worst case scenario? They return it to school the next day not finished. And then they get to discover what that means…and they learn a bit more about what IS their responsibility.
A real opportunity to learn, for you’ve gotten YOUR reactivity out of the way. And you’ve stuck to your promise, calmly, clearly, always in connection with your child BECAUSE you were calm and matter-of-fact…willing to let them lose it a bit…giving them the safe space to discover just what the results of their choice(s) look like, what they can expect, how they feel.
This is where real learning happens. Learning that allows a child
to understand themselves a bit more.
To feel accepted. To know they can count on you to keep it together no matter how they feel. To know they can count on you to show them the way, to walk alongside, to be their guide rather than nagging dictator…:-) To ultimately learn to manage THEIR feelings and actions. To feel and know what respect looks like.
Truly relationship building.
And it is a process, this growth. It takes time, PRACTICE, do-overs a-plenty, patience, self-care on your part, clarity of the kind of future adult you are hoping to launch into the world. It takes respect–respect for your child’s individuality–that they just might decide things quite differently from you.
You are their guide along this journey of growth and life.
Let the power of calm connection lead the way as often as possible…and you will discover “I’ve got to pick my battle!” no longer needs to be a part of your vocabulary.
And what a relief that can be.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam