A story to share…
A morning walk along a wooded trail. A young family–Dad, dog, boy age 8-ish and girl age 5-ish marching along, kids with a spring in their step.
Upon closer inspection, blue lollipops being deliciously enjoyed! How fun, I thought. As we grew close enough, I said, “Hello!” and got an exuberant “HI!” greeting from the kids.
“Wow, you’ve got BLUE lollipops.” Big grins, blue decorating all parts of their faces . “I see blue all around your mouths…!” And out came a tongue–“Oh! Your tongue is blue, too!” GRIN. “Oh my goodness, look at your teeth–THEY are all blue!” BIG grins and giggles.
Then from the boy to me, “YOUR shirt is blue!” “Yes!”, I said, “It is…and hey, look, your sister’s shoes are blue!”
As dad approached the little girl giggled, “And daddy’s wearing blue, too!”
From me, “Look at your dog’s collar–it’s blue, too!” 
The boy proclaimed: “It’s a BLUE day today!”
Off he and his sister marched with springs in their steps, lollipops licked, blue smiles across their faces, necks craning upwards as I added, “The sky is trying to be blue, too!”
Dad?
He was talking on his cell phone. Casually. Sending quick smiles my way…yet plugged into his cell phone. He was doing what many of us do when we are distracted–tossing in a comment ‘on the side’ to try to be a part of things, managing his wiggly dog (and getting tangled a bit!), glancing at his kids…and yet, he was missing so much of what was going on. Missing it. While on a short walk with his family through a wooded park.
Here’s what I wanted to see–no cell phone. Why? Because WITH the cell phone dad was distracted. Only partially there. Attention divided. And even though this no longer feels like a big deal in our current lives, for all of us do this to some extent, it IS a big deal. It is very much a DIS-connection.
And our children know it, feel it, are growing up with this DIS-connection as their foundation for what life and relationships are supposed to look like.
Without a cell phone to his ear here’s what this walk could have looked like:
A dad marching along with a grin on his face as he watched the antics of his kids. A dad pausing to join in on the BLUE fun. A dad who caught the fact that his 8-year-old was totally delightful in the moment with me, a complete stranger.
A dad who noticed his daughter’s uncertainty, her warming up, her attempt to draw him into our BLUE conversation. A dad who could go home and reflect on the memories of a walk in the woods, the spring in his kids’ steps, how his dog was glued to all things children, what his kids delighted in the most and spent time noticing.
A dad who could actively and authentically participate again and again with his kids as they tell and re-tell the story of their walk in the woods. For they will. Kids always do.
A dad who took this opportunity to be truly present, to feel connected, to deposit positively into his relationships with his children. Little moments like these count. They make up most of all of our days and they count. Hugely.
And YES, there ARE times we have to be on our cell phone. There are emergencies and tricky appointment call-backs. There are those endless stream of telephone tag games we are so DONE with that we keep that cell close and available no matter what. There are those calls from the school and from work and you name it.
And yet I feel and I know that we can do it differently.
We can, most of the time, do it without it being at a cost to the rich, deep, meaningful, lovely, delightful relationships we all want–including the connections via the phone that we have because, YES, those connections can be equally important and also deserve our full attention.
Ideas to consider:
Dad could have, prior to heading out on the walk, said, “Kids, I need to make a call. When I am finished, we’ll head out.” And then give his full attention to the call instead of doing the half-way paying attention that really wasn’t paying attention at all to the wonderful antics of his kids OR the person on the call with him.
He could have left it on silent and let all calls go to a message to then listen to with his full attention a bit later.
He could have left it at home or in the car for the 30-minutes he was out walking.
He could have chosen to answer it on the walk with a, “Thanks for calling–I’m with my children right now and will give you a call in about half an hour.”
And what a message he’d communicate to his children–that they are important, that being with them is something he thoroughly enjoys, that when together on an adventure this is the protocol–no digital devices and our full attention to the adventure.
He’d communicate this is what it is like being a dad (role modeling–we are always role modeling), this is what it is like to be a family, this is how we walk dogs and have fun.
Then the stories that will emerge at home–just think, “Mommy! Look at all our BLUE! Daddy thought we were funny, and you know what we did…and a lady we met…and then Daddy and doggy did…and when sister fell, daddy…” Oh, the truly authentic JOY that can be shared! And maybe the upset, as well. Shared. Memories made. Things learned and discovered. Together.
This is what counts. This is what becomes a real, genuine deposit into your relationship–and the more we can deposit well, the stronger we become and the more likely you will have future teens and young adults wanting and willing to come to you as a resource, to come and spend time with you, to want to be in your company–because you wanted to be in theirs. Fully.
Take time to consider your cell phone/digital device use. Consider what you are role modeling, what kind of relationships you want, what you are communicating by your actions to your children, what memories and relationships you really want to create. Consider how you feel when you are totally present out walking with your children versus how you feel when you are juggling calls, texts, dog and kid antics all in one.
Whatever you decide to put your attention to, do it fully and respectfully. Be intentional. You and your children are worth being intentionally present to and in all that you do–calls, texts, walks, meals, little moments, big moments.
Your future older children? They will want to be in your company because you wanted to be in theirs. And now you’ve shown them just how to manage all things digital that has them more likely choosing with care and intention for themselves. Ever so important for those teens years…and adult years 🙂
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam