What does stopping tickling when your child says stop, knocking on your child’s bedroom door and wait for a “come in!”, and asking first if they want a hug have to do with growing a future respectful teen?
Plenty. Think about this. You want your (future) teen to:
…have a strong sense of self.
…be able to say no to negative peer pressure or unwanted sexual activity.
…have a clear idea of what feels right and good to him or her and be that self-directed, responsible soul you wish for.
…show respect, both for themselves and for others (including you!)
And you know what? You CAN have a teen who is strong from the inside out, able to know themselves well and say NO as necessary. You CAN have a teen who shows you, themselves, and others respect.
Here’s how…
Begin right now to model for your little ones just the
kind of respect that grows a future teen able to do all of this.Model how he or she deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies, respecting their space; both emotional and physical.
What does this look like with younger children? A few ideas:
~ Stop tickling when they say no or stop or don’t. Just STOP. No negotiating. No “Are you sure???” No “Okay!” followed by “Just one more tickle and I’ll stop! I promise!”
~ Knock first on their bedroom and bathroom door and ask to come in. Wait for their answer. And if you need to go in? Knock, ask, pause, and then let them know, “I need to come in now…” and pause again to let them respond before you slowly open the door and head on in.
~ Ask first if they are ready for a hug, and wait for their answer. If it’s a NO, respect it. If it’s a YES, enjoy it!
~ Ask first if they are ready to have their face washed, their shampoo rinsed, their diaper changed, and wait for them to respond. For they will. And if their response is that they aren’t ready—then perhaps you can wait a bit more saying, “I can tell you aren’t quite ready. We’ll do one more book…splash in the suds for 2 more minutes…and then it’ll be time for me to help you…” And you do—both wait and follow-through.
~ Calm your anxiety over their messy room–give them that space to call their own and be responsible for it. What a way for your child to learn how to manage a space, to discover just what they do like and can tolerate. Key, you know, for future dorm rooms and shared apartments…
And yes, that means letting go of the mess that accumulates other than the once a month obligatory deep clean :-). Or something to that effect…because instead of a deep clean, maybe it is just a weekly collection of dirty dishes. Or clothes. Or maybe it is, “Having your buddy over to spend the night sounds wonderful! Let’s see what we can sort through in your room so you can find space for sleeping bags…”
~ Let them struggle--affirm the difficulty, the feelings; ask them what they think they can do. Describe what you see as they work at a stubborn puzzle piece. Let them know you are there and when they are ready, you are happy to help…and then step back. Hard at times, for we are so wired to “fix a problem” rather than see it as the growth opportunity it really is…
~ Give them options other than kissing or hugging Aunt Martha, Grandpa, the old friends coming to visit. Let them know they get to decide how to greet or say goodbye in a way that is comfortable to them. And that includes no greet or goodbye.
Respecting their feelings gives them the chance to figure out what feels right and good to them.
And of course, once Aunt Martha, Grandpa, or the old friends are gone, you can have conversations about how greeting and good-bye-ing are ways we show we care. You can have conversations about just how THEY want to show this care.
~ Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and then accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way…instead accept, then share what you think. And now their ideas are valued. Some pretty amazing conversations can emerge as a result!
Respect. Model it from day one–and you will more likely grow a teen with a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate pressures in healthy ways AND you will have a little one who better manages their selves—and parenting can get a bit easier…
Truly all around relationship building.
With JOY and appreciation.,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam