“Oh, if only I could have a ‘do-over!'”
Can I rewind and take back those hurtful words that came flying out of my mouth as you dug your heels in and used THAT tone of voice with me? Oh how I wish I could!
Can I rewind and try something different that won’t have you ending up in a puddle of a meltdown in the middle of…(fill in the blank)? Being embarrassed is NO fun, and watching you struggle so leaves me feeling so sad…
Can we please start over with our family adventure so we can choose differently and not end up angry and tense and upset with each other? It all just feels crummy and that is not how I want our family time to be.
How often do you wish for a ‘do-over?’ Weekly? Daily? Hourly?! I remember sending my girls off to school after a Less-Than-Fun-Morning, then feeling guilty all day long…
It is easy to feel the guilt…to hit ourselves over the head over and over again as we re-live the yuck we allowed to happen, telling ourselves the “I shoulds, if onlys, I’m an awful parent.”
What would it be like to know these ‘do-overs’ you wish for can become a truly productive and ultimately wonderful launching place for just what you want more of–relationship building, truly win-win, even joyful experiences?
Give yourself the gift and grace of PAUSE–even if it is after the blow-up, and especially when you have finally calmed down. PAUSE, think through what could have been different if you had felt calm–or at least ‘acted-as-if’ you felt calm. What might you have done or said differently? How might the experience have looked with your calm in place?
When I can create this PAUSE, I find I can see more clearly what I could have said to my child (and have to stop myself from falling into that guilty place of why I DIDN’T say these things!).
I can see more clearly how I could have been more able to listen and hear what she had to say. My child could then feel respected and cared for because I listened…what a difference that could make!
I feel I could slow myself down and pay closer attention to what she is really trying to say. And maybe, just maybe the situation would not have blown.
Take time to think about how feeling calmer and more at ease in your Do-Over would have changed things. Then take a moment to recognize where you HAVE been even a little bit successful with doing so. Because you HAVE. Plenty of times. They just go unnoticed by you because, well, everything went smoothly!
The more we affirm ourselves, look to where
we have felt better about our own behavior, the more
encouraged we can feel.
Key for shelving the guilt and relating from a productive and healthy place.
The cool thing? Each time you walk yourself through a mental do-over you are strengthening the muscles necessary for doing it this way in real time. Really. Those do-overs…mistakes…”I wish-should have-maybe next times” all become key practice in strengthening just what you want more of.
They are a gift rather than a failure.
Let go of the guilt as best you can. I like to “shelve” my guilty feelings up high in my mind’s eye and tell them to stay put until I’m ready to deal with them 🙂 and do your best to welcome each opportunity as the gift it is–a chance to grow, become better, deposit into your relationships, feel confident in your parenting.
Practice. That is what parenting is all about. A constant practice.
There will come a time when you will have fewer and fewer ‘do-overs’ to think through–you CAN feel calm, connected, and confident on a regular basis. Life will feel better. YOU will feel better and your children and relationships will benefit greatly. This is the power of PAUSE. And when things do head south–for they will—you will feel steadier, clearer, better.
And the guilt? It gets rather dusty from lack of attention… 🙂
How cool is that?
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam