Just Ask Alice

Peaceful parenting. Positive parenting. Respectful parenting. Authoritative parenting…

And on and on and on…

Lots of labels these days. And labels are tough. As I follow other parenting pages I’ve noticed what seems to be the common struggle we all have–to live up to the label.

Think about it. What DOES peaceful parenting look like when you have a back-arching, screaming toddler refusing to let you change their diaper or wash their hair or do just about anything you feel you need to do right now? Or a preschooler with those BIG GIANT feelings erupting as you are trying to get out the door, make a meal, use the bathroom (by yourself), or…?

What DOES positive parenting look like when you are utterly exhausted and your kids have been fighting all day long and the dog needs to go out, the house cleaned, the dinner made, the appointment gotten to on time, and your parenting partner is buried in the newspaper ignoring everything?

What DOES respectful parenting look like with an eye-rolling, sarcastic, talking back teen? AND you are at your wits end?

What DOES authoritative parenting look like when, even with your patient, collaborative, calm self willing to listen and discuss in place, your child throws EVERY thing right back into your face and is totally unwilling to LISTEN?

Labels make it tough on us.

They give us something to strive for–and this I appreciate and support. To know with certainty you want to parent peacefully, positively, respectfully, collaboratively is truly a strength. Now you have something to strive for as you work hard at parenting well.

And really, this is all about parenting well, no matter the label. And here is where it seems labels get in the way.

When we ascribe to just one kind

of parenting, we really aren’t allowing ourselves room to be different, to grow, to consider ways to interact that might just be healthier for your particular situation or child.

 

We can get caught up in wanting “peaceful” to mean our kids behave nicely all the time, and we just don’t know what to do when they don’t. We can find ourselves working hard at trying to get them to feel more peaceful, be more peaceful, think more peacefully…and yet they just don’t. They act up, push back, have strong and upset feelings.

We can get caught up in feeling WE need to always be “positive” no matter how chaotically crazy it gets. Now that’s tough to do.

We can get caught up in assuming our child should be “showing us respect” because we are working hard at teaching them respect.

We can get caught up in the sheer frustration of a child unwilling and unable to engage in the give and take of authoritative parenting.

And then we really struggle. Here our kids are not responding to the kind of parenting we are trying to live by and we just don’t know what to do. We can feel like we are failing…we can feel like we are ruining our kids…we just plain feel guilty. Not a fun way to be.

Here’s what I encourage, label or no label.

Always, always PAUSE and focus first on yourself. Take your attention off of your child and trying to get them to respond to your style of parenting or to you in a certain situation or to behave a certain way or whatever it is that is pushing your button and getting you upset, concerned, feeling guilty and at your wits end.

Yes, really. Take your attention off your child (and I don’t mean walk away and ignore it all, wishing all would right itself while you hide-out…even though we all do that sometimes…).

Instead, use a PAUSE to reflect on YOUR feelings and actions and your child’s needs–whether that PAUSE to think is immediate and you can actually create a bit of time and space because there is no safety issue, or a PAUSE that happens simultaneous to your actions (yes, it IS possible!). Think as you rush in. Breathe as you wrap your arms around your child. Find a semblance of calm within you. Consider just what your child’s needs are. Consider just what you want the most to happen, to be learned.

And then, with even just a semblance of calm in place and a bit more clarity, allow yourself to respond to your child and TRUST how you do so. Maybe your response won’t fit into your label–maybe instead of what feels peaceful to you needs to be put aside as you firmly stop your child and look ’em in the eye and say NO.

Maybe instead of what feels positive to you you are letting your child know you are MAD. That you feel anything BUT positive right now about the mess in front of you, the fighting that is going on, the million and one things yet to be done all in the next hour.

Maybe instead of what feels respectful–of demanding your teen to BE respectful–you find yourself allowing that eye-roll, talking back, sarcastic tone of voice. And then matter-of-factly letting them know how YOU choose to respond to their choice of disrespect. Allowing can feel like permissive parenting (not a healthy thing…), but, when followed with a calm response to their choice (maybe, “When you speak like that to me it’s hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a more respectful voice, let me know. I’m interested in what you have to say…”) it is no longer permissive. It is accepting of their choice to eye-roll, etc, AND letting them take responsibility for the result of that eye-roll, etc. What a respectful thing to do–respect their choice AND let them learn from it.

Maybe instead of feeling ready to collaborate, negotiate, discuss you really just need to say NO.

And, no matter the label of your style of parenting,

when you can respond to your child with calm connection leading the way, you can be sure you’ve just stepped in in a

relationship-BUILDING way…

 

…even if it doesn’t feel particularly peaceful, positive, respectful. Because parenting isn’t always going to be smooth and easy and graceful. It is going to be bumpy, challenging, messy, confusing…you name it. And the one thing you can always strive to do–ALWAYS–is control yourself. No matter what your child chooses to do.

When you can control yourself, first and foremost, you can be assured your interaction is going to come from a more peaceful, positive, collaborative, RESPECTFUL place. Even if your child tells you otherwise. Trust yourself as you first take control of yourself.

I think this is the most essential thing. To trust yourself. So today, start with a PAUSE. Find a semblance of calm. Get a bit clearer about what you really want. Then respond to your child with calm connection leading the way. And let go of what your child decides to do as you calmly, consistently, and with connection in place guide them through whatever the situation or emotion or whatever is engulfing you and them. Ultimately, you will be okay. Trust this.

Maybe that is the label to live by–Calm Connection. Use it. Practice it. Live it. Learn from it. Guilt is lessened with it. Trust is increased by it. And now you can feel much, much stronger as you move through the chaos raising children guarantees. And your relationships will feel strong and healthy from the inside out. No matter the label. Isn’t that what we all really want? Healthy, strong relationships. I know I do.

Here’s to you today as you strive to parent well.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam