THIS hit home. From all the trophies and how they are labeled, to the nonchalant comment by the teen. When we praise often–whether it is the “good job” go-to we all fall into or the constant “wow, aren’t you amazing!!” for every sport, art project, grade, accomplishment no matter the size or importance–I believe we are undermining and displacing just what we really want: a self-directed, intrinsically motivated, confident, capable, successful future adult.
Our intentions are good. We want our child to feel confident, capable, and successful. Yet by praising all day through, I believe we are setting our child up for thinking:
~ They need to perform to be in our good graces.
~ Their performance is what we love about them.
~ When they DON”T get a ‘good job’ response, they’ve now failed–and we have given them no practice at how to manage the disappointment, the struggle of failure.
When we praise constantly we are teaching our children to pay attention to how WE feel and how their behavior or accomplishments affect US instead of encouraging them to turn within themselves, reflect, learn about what they like/don’t like, etc…
We get in the way of them growing from the inside out.
When we make their accomplishments such a regular big deal, we are undermining their ability to tap into strengths that are essential for adulthood—perseverance, hard work, creativeness, self-reflection, management of feelings, inner direction/motivation to name a few. And then there is this teen’s response in the comic. Nonchalant. Shrug of shoulders. No longer does the praise mean anything for it is given constantly. They begin to ignore us, or not believe us. Not what any of us intend as the “good job” or “hurray for you” or “you are a winner!” rolls off our tongue.
What to do instead?
Focus on their process and the strengths you see step up:
“You were incredibly focused all through your game–I noticed that. It certainly paid off!”
“Even though that math assignment was confusing, you stuck with it and figured it out.”
“What a race you had! Those hills looked brutal–boy, that must’ve taken some real determination to tackle them despite being exhausted.” 
“It was hard work stacking all your blocks! You worked carefully and look at the tall tower you made.”
Focus on their feelings:
“It was really disappointing to lose the game. You were so excited going into it.”
“I can see how proud you are of the work you did!”
“Urgh. After all the time you put into your project it must be really discouraging to get the grade you did.” ”
It really puts a smile on your face when you button all those buttons by yourself!”
Focus on appreciation:
“Thank you for unloading the dishwasher. I appreciate your help. Now we have time to do a family game.”
“The neighborhood looks so much nicer after picking up the litter! I know the neighbors appreciate the time and effort you put in.”
“You and your team-mates were so respectful of your opponents’ loss. That is really a sign of true sportsmanship.”
“You shared your book with your sister. I can see how much she liked that. Now you both know just what The Little Engine That Could carried over the hill!”
And now you are more likely giving your child the experience she needs to grow strong and healthy.
To be able to succeed, feel confident in herself, feel capable, manage the harder feelings, celebrate respectfully the happier feelings. Now it is about them and how they feel and what they like and don’t like–truly what motivates them from within–rather than our child focusing outside themselves, on feeling responsible for making us feel like the good or proud parent.
This is the inner direction and motivation necessary for successful adulthood. This is the inner direction and self-confidence that translates down the road to less influence of negative peer pressure, the inner motivation it requires to stand strong in their conviction even when it is going against the tide of their friends, the inner direction that can have them moving through life capable, confident, taking charge of their lives.
So try pausing today. Try letting go of the automatic response to something your child does. Think twice and with care about how much praise for an accomplishment will really support the growth of the kind of adult you hope for. Be intentional with the attention you decide to give. And when real praise is deserved? Now it can be truly meaningful and appreciated, making just the kind of impact you want the most. How cool is that?
Alice
Author of Parenting Inspired
©2016 Alice Hanscam