Resilience…the ability to manage and move through struggle productively. And struggles we will all have. Helping to grow children able to draw upon their inner strength and appropriate coping mechanisms is key for healthy living. Here is what I gathered together for a handout shared at a workshop with parents:
What can resilience look like?
Sticking with a frustrating experience—whether it is working through a really tough school assignment, a little one FINALLY (and with great pride) getting shoes tied on her own after focusing and fussing and trying again all morning long, or perhaps working hard at getting up the icy sledding hill no matter the backwards slide that seems to defeat the goal… 
Picking yourself up again following yet another failure—such as forging ahead to study even harder as yet another school assignment came back with a poor grade; deciding to practice a dance routine endlessly after getting cut from the school talent show—because you KNOW another chance will come and you want to be ready; a baby pulling herself up, falling, bonking her head, crying, and still pulling herself up once again…
Grieving successfully—experiencing loss via a death, change of any sort, or separation (even from those special stuffed animals that need to, at times, get washed) can cause feelings of grief. By giving all feelings a chance to be expressed, to feel supported and safe in the midst of all the big feelings, to have resources to turn to—and to turn to them—is key for moving through any loss.
Coping with any stress in healthy ways—whether it is actively breathing through another morning rushed for time and actually staying calm despite everyone else falling apart; a child being allowed to feel mad and sad about the big move to a new town, house, and/or school—and given ways to share his feelings in productive ways; or perhaps your child bursting with energy following a long day at school—and given the opportunity to burst! Followed by a good snack…and maybe some down time… 🙂
What do our children need to be resilient?
~ To feel strong from within themselves and the awareness they can “turn within” to draw upon this strength
~ Close, connected, caring relationships with their adults–trust is built upon these and trust is key.
~ To feel in control of themselves—managing feelings, feeling capable, able to problem solve, can count on a trusted adult to have confidence in their abilities.
~ Ability to make healthy, productive choices in order to process stress–and having been shown what these are as their trusted adult role-models often.
~ Time to play, for children–younger ones especially–use play for processing experiences. Often non-adult directed and uninterrupted, creative and imaginative play.
What does building resilience in our child require from us?
~Being the calm, connected, consistent guide that they can count on
~ Naming and affirming feelings; showing them appropriate ways to express them
~ Respecting struggle—step back and resist fixing, rescuing, berating as your child struggles. See struggle as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than a problem to fix.
~ Giving our kids plenty of opportunity to be in charge of themselves (age appropriately) so they can learn from the inside out that they are capable, competent souls.
~ Noticing daily what is working for your child to manage struggle—in little or big ways. “You really stuck with that…I noticed how reading books in your room helped you calm yourself…You asked for help just when you needed it the most…You kept your hands to yourself! That took a lot of self-control…” What we focus on grows.
Resilience! A strength for a lifetime of wellness.
A bit more from me:
Know that all you do to respect your child’s feelings, time to play, ability to solve their own problems as you walk beside them listening and asking questions, the more they can grow their selves from the inside-out. Strength! And a solid foundation from which to navigate the ups and downs of life.
Know that the more you focus first on yourself, calming your own anxieties down, pausing in order to respond instead of react, the more you communicate to your child your confidence in their ability to move through any struggle.
Resilience. We get plenty of opportunity to roll up our sleeves and dig in deep–whether it is daily parenting stress or a pandemic. Give your child the gift of your resilience as you help them build their own.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020 Alice Hanscam