It is such a struggle.
A million connections and “have-tos” to maintain AND all the needs of our children. Not to mention our own self-care, our relationship with our partners, work, meals, finances, illness, you name it.
It’s a struggle, this juggling we all do. Exhausting. Frustrating. Trying to be good parents, friends, employers and employees, partners.
Enter in smart phones. Yes! This struggle, with phone in hand, feels like it can be eased.
Now we can manage so much of our life where-ever we are. Maybe we can take care of the scheduling, banking, finding key information, and still connect with other adults (whew! Adult time, essential)…all while our children play at the library book center…the park…on the playground…in front of a screen of their own…in the waiting room at the doctor’s office…in the grocery cart busily munching an apple. All because of our phone.
We can do all of this as we move through our day without stopping (or breathing, sometimes), maybe with the intent of freeing ourselves up come evening time and really enjoy our family meal or pile of books or play time outside.
Maybe.
Or maybe we find that smart phone and all the connections encroach upon our evenings. Ring Ding Ping and our attention moves from our child or our self or whatever we are engaged in to our phone. Or laptop. Or iPad. Or whatever digital device that is the latest and greatest.
It IS a struggle.
With all the increasing awareness of the essential time
AWAY and OFF of screens is for growing well, building healthy relationships, having brains that really can be at their optimum…we should be doing better.
Yet it seems rather harmless…
…as we sit on the library play area’s floor with our child happily toddling around to engage ourselves on our phones.
…to pay more attention to our phones rather than staying tuned into our babies, their experience, their interest in the world around them.
…to sit on the bench at the playground and do more of our work while our kids are roaring around.
…to say, “Wait a sec! Daddy just texted me…” as your child is in the middle of telling you a funny story from school.
…to constantly or daily text our teens and young adults in order to feel more connected and involved in their lives.
It SEEMS rather harmless. And you know, on occasion it is necessary and totally okay and even fun. Yet is it really so necessary the majority of the time? Or have we gotten ourselves into a lifestyle of on-line living that we find it a real struggle to step away from it?
And at the cost of what? I believe at a very concerning cost to our relationships–with ourselves, our partners, our children. In so many ways. Think about those teens and young adults as we constantly stay “connected” by texting them–how can they do the ever-essential cutting of the apron strings when we won’t untie them ourselves? That’s a whole other post to write..
With our attention constantly divided or, as in with our teens and young adults, constantly given because now we CAN, we communicate an underlying disrespect for (and with our teens, a lack of confidence in) another. And what I feel quite concerned about is how THAT seems “normal” now. No big deal. Yet it is a big deal.
This subtle disrespect (or not so subtle at times…)? It ripples out and permeates everything we do, every relationship we have. It OKs a culture of disrespect. We’ve been seeing an overwhelming amount of that in recent years.
More importantly, our kids feel disconnected from us.
They have to try even harder for our attention (in not so good ways, usually…). They “hear” THEY aren’t as important as what is ringing dinging pinging on our phones. They “hear” what they do and who they are isn’t appreciated or understood by us–how could it be when we are constantly glancing down at our phones, then up to nod and smile and say, “Yes! I see you! I hear you!” then down again to our phones? Ever hear, “But MOM, you aren’t listening to me with your EYES!”??
The teens and young adults who we feel so connected with due to texting so often with them? They “hear” our lack of confidence in their ability to separate, LAUNCH, become independent adults. Probably not what any of us intend.
I’m betting it is rather exhausting–emotionally and physically–for our kids to constantly remind us to look, hope we will look, to catch us up on the story by re-telling it because we got interrupted yet again. Or maybe not retelling it and just shrugging their shoulders and saying “Never mind…”, feeling even less connected with us. Or, of course, acting up and out as they try ever so hard to GET our attention. Negative behavior, enough of it, often draws our attention pretty quick…:-)
I’m betting it is rather exhausting emotionally and physically for our older kids and young adults who feel they have to juggle our texts constantly, or have decided it is the norm to stop whatever they are doing and disconnecting from whomever they are with to answer, yet again, one of our Ring Ding Pings to them. Or maybe they answer because they feel responsible for how we will feel if they don’t stop what they are doing to respond…
And just think of and know about the exhaustion in our own bodies and minds as we constantly have to re-attend to whatever it is we are trying to attend. You know, listening to, learning about, or reading something of interest, to hear that Ring Ding Ping, to glance, maybe respond, to then re-focus on what you were first doing? We lose. A lot, over time. And when it becomes our norm, we forget how much we lose. Until the stress or the overwhelming nature of it all causes a big enough crises in our life that we decide to choose differently.Like anxiety. Withdrawal. Rebellion. Depression. Ours AND our children’s.
It is a struggle.
I see it everywhere. Even as I am incredibly intentional with my screen use, I feel the struggle, too. I definitely feel the exhaustion.
The question is:
What more can we do to create the healthy space FROM our phones and screens so we can be SURE to create the healthy relationships, to actually use all these moments throughout our days in relationship building ways and recognize how they count hugely over time?
To truly deposit, often and with our full and respectful presence, into all our relationships?
Share with me what works for you to be intentional with your screen use, rather than going through your day always reacting to those fairly constant Ring Ding Pings. I’d like to know. We all need encouragement to PAUSE and BE fully with another, with ourselves. We all need encouragement to step away from this constantly ON life-style we’ve found ourselves in–to know that there is a real and essential necessity to step OFF.
To find the balance that truly builds
all relationships in healthy ways.
I encourage all of us to be intentional with all that we do–most especially, in how we connect meaningfully with our children and others in our lives, and what place our devices actually have in doing so.
I’d like to know your thoughts…share with me!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam