“I’m NEXT!” Teacher Tom writes a wonderful post I encourage you to go take a look at. It’s called: That’s How to Share
“When you’re finished, I want a turn,” (although more often than not it’s expressed as, “I’m next!”) then let the person with possession decide for her or himself when it’s time to give way, which always happens sooner or later…
It’s not a perfect system, prone to abuse, but I think it’s better than the alternative which is for an adult to arbitrarily decide when it’s time to give it up, robbing children of an opportunity to practice working things out for themselves.” (Teacher Tom)
Alice’s take:
YES. Yes yes yes. We so quickly step in and decide for kids how much time they get with something, or decide it is time for them to give it up and give it to another, or for heaven’s sake, just QUIT that “fighting” and SHARE.
Really, it is so much more about our anxiety over conflict.
How are our kids ever going to learn to manage this (anxiety and conflict) if we–the adults–have such a hard time??
Teacher Tom writes about how, when we (the adults) give the respectful space for kids to work it out and sort it out SO MUCH LEARNING occurs. So much.
Respectful space means describing what you see–“Your friends are waiting for a turn when you are finished.”
Respectful space means staying tuned in on the periphery–because if any hurting starts to occur, you will be needed.
Respectful space means TRUSTING the kids to sort it out…and telling them just what you see–“It’s hard to wait!” “So you are going to be next?” “You are figuring out who gets which turn.” “So you want to play until lunch time? Your friends are waiting for their turn.” “You waited and waited and now he is done and it is your turn.”
Respectful space means staying calm and matter-of-fact, communicating confidence to the kids involved that they CAN sort it out.
And just think of all the learning, negotiating, problem solving that then occurs when we can calm our own anxiety over it all!
From the math skills of “whose next in line” and “there’s FOUR of us waiting!” to conversation and language through debating turns, to physical awareness and control from jostling in lines or discovering hitting will be stopped, to self-control for all the same reasons, to self-definition as kids discover just what they can and cannot do, to patience and problem solving and compassion and managing feelings…and on and on. So MUCH learning!
All because we got ourselves out of the way and provided the respectful space for them to sort it out.
It’s hard. And as Teacher Tom said, it can be prone to abuse…hence the need to be observant. It requires us to really consider just what we want the most for our children as they grow through the toddler and preschool years. Do we want the compliance that has US feeling better, more in control? Which is really what compliance is all about.
Or real growth and learning with a trusted adult alongside as tumultuous feelings and conflict and heated negotiations take place?
It’s hard. And the work we do as adults to manage our OWN anxiety over conflict is essential for our children to grow well. Start with these moments of “It’s MY TURN. I want it!” with a PAUSE in place, a deep breath, and just state what you see.
Start there. You may be surprised by what follows…and here is another post on just this topic that can help you along that I think you may enjoy: Let’s Talk Sharing.
Thank you, Teacher Tom. Your work is greatly appreciated! And inspires ME to write more 🙂 .
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam