Be willing to carry the anxiety along with you.
What a powerful statement that another reader shared on a post of mine recently.
Anxiety. It is an integral and maybe less welcomed part of parenting. None of us escape it. Many of us are driven by it, perhaps just now and again along our journey, perhaps daily. Yet it is with anxiety in the driver’s seat that we can undermine the growth of healthy, positive relationships and weaken our ability to grow the strong, inner-directed adults we hope for in our children. 
With anxiety leading the way we may be more likely to do whatever it takes to prevent our child from struggling, failing, falling. Sounds important, doesn’t it? To stop our child from struggle? Consider this…as we continually prevent the struggle, the fail, whatever it is we see as a problem, we are robbing our children of the opportunity to learn how to manage these hard things; we are robbing them of the chance to grow stronger, from the inside out.
This can look like…
~ constantly preventing minor injury such as discovering untied laces can cause tripping, or pedaling your trike too fast can make you fall, or it hurts when little fingers get pinched by a slide-y drawer, or climbing to the top of the jungle gym can be scary. It hurts us too much to see them hurt so we rescue, prevent, avoid, keep away from…
~ constant hovering or nagging over getting home-work done. We want the good grades so we can feel like we’ve done our job well! And yes, good grades–or grades our children feel good about–are important. Yet the work to achieve those? It is our child’s.
~ yelling at our child for yet again pushing our button–hoping of course that our yelling will finally get them to stop pushing our button as if it is their job to control our buttons in the first place! Which really means how we feel is up to them. Scary place for a child to be–taking responsibility for OUR feelings.
~ reaching over and putting the puzzle piece our preschooler is struggling with into the space for them. Maybe because we want to avoid the tantrum his frustration is surely to provoke; maybe because we just can’t stand seeing them unsuccessful.
~ immediately saying “NO” to requests of our teens because it just is so out of our comfort zone…and losing ground rapidly because, really, we cannot control what they ultimately decide to do–we can only control what we decide to do. And now our teen may see us less and less as the resource we need and want to be for them.
Anxiety. It can undermine just the kind of relationships and future adults we want—but it doesn’t have to. As my friend said, be willing to carry it along with you. Try opening your arms and welcoming it in to the best of your ability. Give it a place to be within you and try looking at it through the lens of a gift for growth.
A gift that reminds you of how deeply you care,
of how a situation is calling you to look more carefully at it, of an opportunity to pause and consider what you really want.
It is there for our growth–and the more we can welcome it in with the little moments with our children, the more we can manage it when the bigger moments occur. And consider what amazing role modeling you are doing when you show your child that your anxiety is your job to handle, not theirs.
That you can accept your anxiety over a choice they are making and still give them space to make it. Being there and truly available to walk alongside them rather than doing whatever it takes to ‘make it all better.’ Truly relationship building on many levels as you communicate your confidence in their abilities and that they can count on you. This is how trust is built. And it is trust that is the foundation for healthy growth.
What a gift to our kids, for now they are learning who they are, what they can do, how they feel and what to do with all their feelings, because we are taking care of our own.
Today, when that anxiety churns you up, PAUSE. Greet your anxiety for what it is. Name it, affirm it, move it aside. No need to “make it all better” by trying to make your child feel or be a certain way. *Just* focus on yourself, first by letting a PAUSE work its magic.
Notice how, if you do this consistently, you CAN relax and your anxiety dissipates. And as your anxiety slips away, notice how this influences those challenging moments and your relationships with your children. Notice how you feel; notice how incredibly capable and competent and careful and carefree and curious your children are!
I think you will like the shift. And so will your children.
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam