Because someone I care about very much is having a difficult time sorting out all that his 16-year-old is throwing at him, I share this link and my thoughts and response with the hopes that it can help–him and perhaps many of you.
I want him to do what he can for himself that calms him, gives him confidence, patience, and trust in this very painful process he’s in. It will take time, this anger she’s throwing at him and life. Time and his daughter being able to count on HIM to be steady, calm, consistent, caring. Time. Just as it will for each of you, if you find yourself in the midst of this kind of angst with your child. Teen OR toddler and on. 
“The letter your teenager can’t write you”
“This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me.” © 2015 Gretchen L Schmelzer
Alice’s take:
EXCELLENT letter and one that is as pertinent for teens as it is for toddlers.
When we can provide the safe place for our kids of ANY age to “bang around” in as they sort themselves out, FEEL, discover, experience, then our kids truly can learn and grow. And our relationships can be that much healthier and more connected. WE can be seen (perhaps in time…) as the resource we’d like to be for our kids.
They NEED the fight. The tantrum. The test-test-testing.
And it is absolutely essential that we (more often than not, since really, this is all about tipping the balance rather
than being perfect…) pass their test.
How does this look?
Pausing. Whether for a brief moment or hours…
Calming ourselves as best we can. Breathe? Focus on a brief task? Telling yourself “I can do this…this too shall pass…”? Encouraging self talk. It can do wonders.
Getting clear on just what it is we want the most–-whether it is to just get out the door in one piece and hopefully with all necessary parts stuffed in the backpacks, a relationship that feels strong and healthy, or our child feeling that much more competent and capable…
Then stepping BACK in and responding to our child from this calmer and clearer place. Responding rather than reacting. Essential. And it is less about what you then say or do and WAY more about HOW you say and do it. Calmly. With connection. Respectfully.
Now our child can feel heard. Understood. Safe and secure. Our child can feel respected–because of feeling heard AND because we have more likely honored their choice by calmly following through with the results of their choice. Even if it is still a NO. When we’ve taken the moment to gather ourselves and respond instead of react, our NO is received more productively (even if it is still LOUD and upset…
).
Or maybe it isn’t about NO.
Maybe it is about giving a safe place for your very upset and angry teen to unload, to know they can “empty their bucket” entirely because you are calm and listening. No decisions, consequences, answers. Just the safe place to feel and eventually process. Then maybe you can come back together, explore all that came pouring out, ask questions, and truly collaborate.
“I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.” (Gretchen L Schmelzer)
Our children need to KNOW, without a doubt,
that they can count on us to keep it together even
(and most especially) when they cannot.
Now that is powerful.
So today, PAUSE. Know that you CAN be the steady, safe place for your child to bang around in and sort things out. Trust this. Keep your attention on the kind of future adult and relationship with your child you want the most. Because what we focus on grows.
Know that my books can be a real and positive resource for you as you struggle and know that your struggle is as essential as your child’s need to test and fight .
Thank you to Gretchen Schmelzer (www.gretchenschmelzer.com) for a fabulous write-up. Here’s to the dad and 16-year-old I care about very much…
Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Im confused..so is it, or isn’t ok then to allow them to “unload” in a rude, disrespectful, yelling, eye rolling, foot stomping way then?! Because that’s usually how the unloading goes, unless it’s the silent treatment. Or do you allow the unloading and address it later?!
Pretty tough place, isn’t it, when your child reacts this way! I know all I wanted to do was push right back…I’d get all heated up and yell, restrict, throw out ultimatums. Which led to more of the very behavior I didn’t want. So…it is always okay for another to express their feelings. If their form of expression causes physical harm, this needs to be stopped. But their feelings–no matter how button pushing their expression is–deserve to be heard. This is when pushing OUR pause button needs to happen. And at the very least, be able to say, “I am feeling really upset about your behavior right now. I need to take a break. I will be back.” And then you do, to the best of your ability. When you can step back in (keeping your promise that you will come back–powerful message of trust/they can count on what you say you will do) with even a bit of calm within you, you get to say, “I know you are upset. When you stomp and yell it makes it really hard to listen to what you need and want to say. Can we try again?” Our ability to create that PAUSE is so respectful…even as they still get all heated up at us. The more you can stay calm and hear them, the better. If your answer is still a NO, it will sound more like this, “I hear you. I understand how much you want to…don’t like…(whatever the issue). My answer is no for this time. But here are some ideas I’m willing to consider…”
Make sense? You might like this article: https://www.justaskalice.org/2020/12/07/my-own-story-of-pause/ It is my own story of me and my 13-year-old daughter…
I hope you’ll let me know if you have more questions…and the most important step you can take is to practice PAUSE. This really is a muscle that gets stronger with use!
Alice