I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. Saying what you mean and meaning what you do. ‘Standing in our integrity’ translates to having our thoughts, feelings, and actions all in alignment with what we believe.
How does this translate to our children? Keeping our promises; building trust and respect. Key for healthy relationships. (Thank you to ScreamFree and Hal Runkel for “Keep Your Promises”)
How often do you find yourself saying:
…”I’ll be there in a minute!” and it isn’t until your child is melting down next to you 20 minutes later that you put down what you were focused on to help them? And now, of course, there is no help to be had, for total melt down has unfolded.
…“After soccer practice we can stop for ice-cream!” as you are trying to get your kids out the door and you know the promise of ice-cream will make it actually happen in a more timely way. But then following soccer you say, “It’s too late for ice-cream–sugar isn’t good for you, anyway.” Whew, at least you GOT to soccer on time, so now you can just ‘put up’ with the cries and complaints in the back seat–“…but you PROMISED…”
…“Yes you can have a guinea pig, cat, dog, (fill in the blank) when you are 10!” Then when they turn ten you come up with a million excuses why a pet just won’t work right now, how they aren’t responsible enough, that you just don’t have TIME to take care of a pet. Okay, maybe a fish…
…“Just calm down, young man!” as you are totally losing it. Hmmmm. I know that one happens often! “I need YOU to calm down so I won’t lose it!” As if it is their responsibility to decide how we are going to feel and behave…
…”Grabbing the salad bowl instead of asking nicely isn’t okay!” as you grab the salad bowl right back and bang it back down on the table. “Use your manners!” Harrumph. Why don’t they know better how to ask for something at the table? And again, if they’d JUST BEHAVE, then I wouldn’t have to lose my temper!
…“Hitting your sister is mean!” as you whack their backside and insist they go to time out to think about how to behave. (NEVER do I recommend any kind of whacking).
…“It’s unkind to talk about your friend that way. You need to be nice.” Then turn around and moan to your spouse about YOUR friend and how they make choices you just can’t get behind.
…“I’m sure you know best what you are going to do with your birthday money.” Followed by, as they decide to spend it all on a frivolous item, “Oh no, that’s a waste of money! You ought to save it. Or at least donate some of it to…” All good ideas…and all going back on just what you originally said.
What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.
Try this, instead. PAUSE before responding or throwing out a blanket statement (YES we’ll get ice-cream after soccer!) and consider what it is you really want and CAN do.
Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;
the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.
And now role-model it. Be what you hope your child can be.
Show them how to use gentle hands, that they can count on you to keep your promise of ice-cream even if you are running late, that if you promise a pet at age ten, you follow through, talk about YOUR friends with the respect and kindness you want to see in your children, calm yourself first before asking them to do the same, let them know exactly what they can expect as they wait for your help, bite your tongue and let them experience the result for themselves as they spend all their birthday money on a ridiculous toy.
What does this require from us?
PAUSING.
Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.
Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.
Now when we do have to ‘break our promise’ because whatever we said we really didn’t mean and certainly aren’t going to do–we can apologize. Heartfully, genuinely, respectfully. “You know, when I promised you a pet last year, I was saying that without really thinking about what it means. I apologize for leaving you hoping. Let’s talk about this more carefully.” “You know, I was really mad when you threw your toy and hit your sister. It wasn’t okay for me to yell and hit you. I am sorry. Here’s what I wanted to do…”
What a way to grow respect. To build the trust in your relationship that is foundational for the rest of our child’s life.
Take time today to reflect on your integrity, on how you say what you mean and mean what you do–when this is easiest and most successful for you, what you can do differently when you find it difficult. Integrity. It is essential for growing well; for relationships to thrive. For our children to grow into those incredible adults we intend.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam