Just Ask Alice

Now THERE’s a new word. Here’s the deal. I speak to this often and I am grateful for research to be showing how crucial this is…

What I see more and more is how often parents are missing essential cues to their child’s feelings. With our attention often consumed by our digital devices, or our attention divided because of our digital device, we are more likely creating more of the very behavior issues we’d love to see less of.

More temper tantrums. More frustrated children, more acting up in general. And then we often dive into our device to escape from the very same…

The result? Relationships become depleted. And children have less opportunity to learn how to manage themselves, understand their feelings, know what healthy relating looks like, feel accepted and loved, feel safe and secure….

…and less opportunity to feel the connection that is relationship-building and absolutely essential for growing well.

I see it often. At the store. On walks. In parks. At schools. And, sadly, in cars…at pick up and drop off at school…

What happens? A parent is paying attention to their phone. Their child asks something. Or is intently gazing at something with concern. Or sees something that lights up their face.

Parent misses this.

Child now asks louder. Whining. Tugging on the arm. Parent gets irritated. Or throws out a “Not now.” Or, “What?” Or, “Hmmmm?” while still engaged with their phone, maybe throwing a quick glance at their child to smile, then right back to their phone. Important text or Facebook feed, right? (Snarky, I know)

Or child’s concern, now missed, has child shrinking in their seat a bit further, feeling even more worried, not knowing how to digest, process, manage, understand this feeling…or perhaps getting more upset and expressing their concern in less-than-wonderful ways. Like screeching. At the top of their lungs.

Or child who has lit up over something they saw, turns to their parent to share their delight and finds their parent totally dis-connected...or rather, deeply connected to their phone. Now that delight has no one to share it with. No one to name it, acknowledge it, take it further and truly enjoy it.

Now what? Seemingly small moments, yes. AND they add up in tremendous ways. To the point where parents have less understanding of their child’s mental and emotional state and intentions and more difficulty reading their children’s feelings, as this article speaks of.

And when these moments are missed on a regular basis, a child no longer can truly learn about themselves…the world…relationships. A parent misunderstands their child, has greater difficulty working through problems and emotional duress with their child, just plain doesn’t really know their child to the depths that they could.

As this article speaks to, our digital distraction “potentially displaces opportunities for parent-child connection important to child health and development.”  And another speaks about the dangers of distracted parenting.

It all comes down to connection.

Just as the children in Germany this article follows speak of. Just as each of us so heavily desire and seemingly fulfill through our devices and then wonder why we are having an increasingly difficult time with our children.

Connection. Relationship-building connection–in real time.

Present. Engaged. Letting a bit of wonder, curiosity,

and authentic BEING in.

 

Today, put your phone down. Turn it to silent, tuck it away. Maybe for a bit, maybe longer. Watch your child play at the park. Stay present to your grocery store trip so you can stay present to your child’s experience at the store. Greet your child with your full-on SELF as they climb into the backseat at pick-up time after school. Eye contact. Smiles. Listening.

Your phone and texts and all things social media really can wait a bit. Most of the time. Really. And as you work at staying more fully present to your child you will start noticing so many cool things to emerge. I’m betting you’ll find yourself a bit calmer.

You’ll more likely be understanding, delighting in, becoming aware of things about your child that grow your relationship in essential ways.

You’ll more likely be feeling so much better about your time that when you do let your child know you need to tend to your phone, it will be okay. For you DO need to tend to it–that’s life. Yet now you can do so with the awareness of how it can impact and the clear intention to use it productively. Guilt will be less, patience will step up, creativity grows, things just feel BETTER.

Okay. Here’s to you today, and your child as you both work at the technoference that has become a reality. Be intentional in all you do. It matters.

You and your child are worth it.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam