I spoke with a (Grand)-dad recently who reflected on how he was brought up by a fair and firm mother. One who listened, considered, and said “no” when necessary. A mother who had clear boundaries for her son and held to them calmly and with a gentle firmness. He shared how he knew where he stood with her; how he could count on what she said, she’d do. He also spoke of, with a bit of a smile, not liking the “no’s” even as he felt heard and understood by his mother, and how his mother was okay with his feelings. And here he now was– a curious, kind and respectful adult, embracing what life throws at him with a sense of humor and humbleness, taking care to take responsibility for himself.
He spoke to his unsettled feelings over how children are raised nowadays–and he shared that his wife told him it’s because things are different now from when he was young.
This gave me pause. Things ARE different than when he was a boy. We have many, many families that are made up vastly differently then his traditional two-parent, stay-at-home mom experience was. We are immersed in technology and screens. We have a culture that encourages and even demands a fast paced and full life-style. We have children growing up in an environment full of digital devices and all the concerns and advantages this brings. We have so many parenting labels to try on these days. I could go on with all that is different; I’m sure you, can, as well.
Yet something very important hasn’t changed. How our children develop physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Our children’s development continues to unfold in the ways it always has. What has changed is the “Out There” and how we respond to all those outer influences when it comes to parenting, to building our relationships. The demands of our faster paced, technology driven lifestyle demands our attention. And the more we focus on that, the more it seems things change with children. And often in less desirable ways. We are more likely to live from a reactive rather than responsive place.
Parenting from a “firm and fair” place continues to be the authoritative parenting style that supports our children and our relationships in the best possible way, allowing our children to develop healthily. It requires our focus to start within ourselves. To put aside the demands of our “out there” culture/life/world and PAUSE. Think. Slow down enough to really listen to ourselves, from the inside out. The ever-increasing pull to attend to all those “out there” things robs us of our ability to live from our inner selves. And this is the core of parenting well. This is the foundation for building healthy relationships with our children (and others!), for supporting our child’s optimal development and well-being. For helping our children develop their inner selves. Essential for a healthy life.
I believe it requires us to slow down. If not from the outside, then within. Yes, you can do both–still be caught up in a fast-paced life and slow down from within. The key? Strengthen your PAUSE. Really! Start with the heated moments and discover ways to calm a bit before responding to your child. Pause, breathe, walk away, close your eyes and focus first on YOURSELF. Your feelings; your upset. Settle to the best of your ability. This one step will make a tremendous difference over time.
And what a gift to our children, as we strengthen our ability to take care of our upset and connect calmly with them. What a gift to our children as we show them the power of PAUSE and how to develop that in themselves. To learn to think and reflect a bit, to be given plenty of time to DO so (Our Children Need to PAUSE, too!). Our ability to be fair and firm, as this Grand-dad talked of, comes from our ability to take our time with our children, and guide them from the inside-out.
Our world needs this more than ever. We need to nurture our ability to BE. Our children need unscheduled time, bored time, lots and lots of nature time. And so do we. Pausing gives us the start in this kind of healing we and our society needs. Things are different, now. And our children need what they’ve always needed. Fair, gently firm guidance coming from a calm and connected adult. This has not changed.
The need for it has.
Let’s refocus. Let’s respond to what our children require from us in order to grow well. Then let this be our guide for what “out there” actually needs our time and attention. In time, with practice, our essential BE-ing will rise up and be a real and positive influence for our children, families, communities, world.
How cool is that? Here’s to this Grand-dad who I left musing on the sidewalk as he, too, considered that, in the essential ways, things haven’t changed at all. We just need to refocus.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2021 Alice Hanscam