Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through.
Key for building healthy, strong, respectful relationships and children who can cooperate and collaborate; children who can truly be in charge of themselves in ever increasing ways…children who can thrive.
When we keep our promise by following through calmly with what we say we’ll do, our kids now can count on us--they can count on what we say we will do. THIS is how trust is built and is key for a healthy and strong relationship. Whether it is following through with a promised treat, a lost privilege, or walking alongside them through the result of a choice they made–no matter how they choose to behave. And oh yes, there is where it can get hard!
Keep in mind the PAUSE that is essential so you really can be calm and connected as you help them along, despite BIG feelings, buttons being pushed, a puddle of a tantrum thrown.
Ideas for you directly from my book (and where more can be found!), “Parenting Inspired”:
~”You carried your plate all the way to the counter! Now you are ready to play our family game. Let’s go get daddy and brother to join us!”
~”I can see it is too hard to keep the milk in the cup or swallowed down to your tummy. Time to be all done.” And the cup gets put away as you stay (or act-as-if!) matter-of-fact and maybe even lighthearted as the beginnings of a tantrum rear up…or jello legs and arched back occur… 🙂
~”You buckled all by yourself! Now we can go. Let’s go drive drive drive to the library and choose LOTS of new books!”
~”You really don’t want to be buckled at all. Time to buckle and be safe. I will do it for you.” And you can sing-song your way through what might be a struggle, commenting as-if just to yourself about how at the library (where perhaps you are headed) you KNOW there is some way-cool books about bugs, buses, or monsters–whatever your little one is fascinated by! Then letting go of whether they get interested in your musings or choosing to still be MAD.
~“All ready! Thank you for gathering your jacket and backpack. We are headed out on time!” And now you and your child get to share funny stories or a yummy snack because all is good as you drive down the road…and you let them know how much you enjoy this!
~“It seems it’s too hard for you to get your backpack ready. It’s time to go.” And off you go, perhaps minus the backpack (and now your child has the opportunity to discover that minus his backpack he doesn’t have his lunch or homework, hopefully influencing him the next morning to be more likely to gather all he needs…). Or maybe WITH the backpack and little to no attention on the fact that you grabbed it, giving your child the opportunity to still feel grumpy and slow as molasses about having to go…rather than focusing on how you’ll take care of packing the backpack for her :-).
~”Thank you for coming home by eight. I appreciate you respecting the rules. Now, tell me all about your evening! I’m excited to hear what you and your buddy ended up doing for the project you are working on…”
~”You chose to come home late. I can tell you had a great time, but know that my car will be off limits to you until Sunday.” And on Saturday when your teen is begging for the car? You get to understand his frustration, reiterate that on Sunday he is welcome to use it once again, and ask him if there is another solution to his feeling stuck without it…keeping the loss of your car entirely his responsibility.
~”You chose one more turn! Thank you for being ready to head upstairs. Now we may have time for an extra book or two tonight. Which ones do you want to read?”
~”Two more turns just didn’t feel like enough. I can tell you are disappointed. It is time to head upstairs. I can carry you or you can run up as fast as you can!” And with that light sense of humor in place you choose to be a slithery snake headed up the stairs…or a mama octopus with so many arms to wrap around your writhing child as you then put your attention to what the upstairs has awaiting… 🙂
What does this require from us?
Clarity on what we want them to learn about in the long and short run.
Our ability to be OKAY in the big feelings that may erupt. That’s where PAUSE comes in!
Our patience as we have to do some of this over and over again.
Our ability to affirm out loud just what it is we want more of.
Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through. What a way to communicate “You can trust me and count on me.” What a way to say, “I hear you and I understand.”
What a way to help a child learn a bit more about
themselves, to grow their capable and competent selves, to feel safe even when they feel MAD. What a way to grow respectful, healthy, strong relationships.
Today, let your child know they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do--calmly, matter-of-factly, lightheartedly…maybe even with a twinkle in your eye, if you can. At the minimum, with a PAUSE in place so you can step in with calm connection leading the way no matter how YOU feel!
Find a collection of my work to inspire you as you strive to parent well here: “Parenting Through Relationship.”
Here’s to you!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam