Just Ask Alice

Does your child go with the flow or define the flow?

Think about this for a moment. Those “define the flow” kids–whether due to temperament or stage and especially when their flow is DIFFERENT from yours–get lots of attention. Lots.

Define The Flow also known as…

…Grand Negotiators–“She’s SURE to be a lawyer when she grows up!” How many times did we say that about our eldest!

…Stubborn!!!  Cute when little…at least, for a while…

…The Rebel  “WHY can’t he just do it my way, the better-healthier-safer way??”

…Tiring-ly Persistent–truly wears us down…

…Major Button Pushers–testing all day long…

…Talented Manipulators–-you know, the ones who are a bit sneakier and seem to “get their way” more often than not; who talk you into just about anything?

Sound familiar? I know, from the work I do and from my own parenting journey how exhausting this is.

It is the Define The Flow child who has us pulling out our hair, losing our cool, lacking confidence because we, well…just really don’t know what to do.

We work hard at defining the flow OUR way–we are the parents, right?  We set boundaries, we know better, we have years of experience and age-old wisdom on our side, and yet…we struggle. And argue. And are just as stubborn, persistent, willing to constantly engage (aka: negotiate), push buttons (“Huh! Let’s see what he does when I do THAT…”).

Funny how that goes. We often do just what it is we want our Define The Flow child to STOP doing.

Okay–so that is where much of my work comes from–helping parents to shift their attention from all the things they’d like not to be happening, and discover and look for what it is they want more of.  Such as appreciating the spirit of their Define The Flow child’s energy. To see the self-directed, strong in conviction, highly communicative, willing-to-persist-through-many-a-difficulty child who needs all of this in order to be a successful adult. Appreciate the spirit of all this energy–and then work at encouraging it in productive, healthy, empowering ways. For really, we DO want our child to grow into an adult who can define their flow, take charge of their life, be strong from the inside out.

Yet it is the Go With The Flow child I want to pull our attention to.

They are the “easy ones.” The quiet(er) ones. The ones who aren’t stirring the pot, are more likely to just go with the other child’s ideas, wants, desires. It brings us relief–“Whew. No argument to deal with there!”  It makes it easier and simpler for us to focus on the Define The Flow child, where we think our attention needs to be.

Yet, I wonder. Sometimes those easy kids? They are often getting lost in all things reactive about our relationship with their Define The Flow sibling. They are watching. We are role modeling–role modeling just how to get lots of our attention.

And one day these Go With The Flow kids…well…they surprise us and REBEL. Or disappear even deeper into being compliant.

They learn either to get loud and disruptive to finally get our attention OR they learn to get quieter and more compliant in order to NOT get us all stirred up because it is scary for them. Both can be concerning.

So I’m thinking, even as we laugh at “Oh YES! My child defintely defines the flow!!!”, we must PAUSE, look to our other children and NOTICE their quiet joining in with whatever their sibling decides or how they are easily and at length (and therefore letting us put all our attention elsewhere) focused on something or how quietly creative they are and actively name it, appreciate it, notice it.

This is key for growing the strengths and qualities we want in our child…it is key for putting our attention to what we want more of.

Ideas for you:

“I appreciate how you are accepting of your brother’s idea and are willing to go along with it–that really helps. We’ll have fun! And I look forward to hearing what YOUR idea is going to be for later today…” And you be sure you find out and encourage their idea for later…rather then letting it get lost in the energy of Mr. Define The Flow.

“You are quiet today. It looks like you are putting a lot of your attention on your project. I look forward to hearing about your work.” And when the attention moves from the project, you get to re-connect with, “Can you tell me about your work now? I’d really like to hear…”  What a way to let your Go With The Flow child know what they do is important to you .

“Thank you for sharing your things with your sister. She was really excited to have a turn and you kindly stopped with your turn to help her out. When you are ready to have her return it, let her know.” And you stay tuned in, so if your Go With The Flow one indicates wanting items back, you are there to back them up as needed…to help them assert their selves in healthy, confident ways.

“You know, I bet it gets hard listening to your brother argue so much. I am sure you have some things you’d like to say, too. Would you like to tell me now?” And then you actively listen and stay fully focused on your Go With The Flow child…

“It worries you when your sister is so upset that she didn’t get her way. I can tell you want to help her feel better! Let’s give her a little time to get her mad out and think together about what we can do after she’s calmed down a bit.”  This, when that Go With The Flow child tries to appease the upset Define The Flow sibling by quickly sharing or doing things just to make them less upset…and the Define The Flow sees it as a way to manipulate things…

Most importantly, be observant. Notice when things are going smoothly in your household and even as you feel relieved and discover you have time to get things done, be sure to appreciate how your child or children are engaged, focused, sharing, compromising, collaborating.

Put YOUR attention to just what you want more of–respectfully, maybe after the fact or maybe during–so you can be certain your kids know for sure the kinds of behavior and abilities that make for healthy lives and relationships.

Let your Go With The Flow child know, for sure, you appreciate their ease.

Let them know the strengths you see in them-–and that you appreciate how they utilize them.

Make sure they KNOW you are paying attention, that you see their confident, capable, self-directed selves show up in ways you truly appreciate.

Let your Define The Flow child know through your ability to calm yourself down, that yes, there are limits to what they can do. That yes, there are certain rules in your household to abide by. That yes, there are results to their choices. And appreciate the SPIRIT of their stubborn, endlessly negotiating, testing nature. For these are key for successful adulthood when accepted and then channeled in productive ways.

It’s hard work and it is important work. You and your children are worth it.

Here’s to you today!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam