To be allowed to finish your cry…
There’s a Mama I know whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over the vacuum cleaner and its LOUD noise. You know, all those times you work at getting the house a bit cleaner, swiping the dust cloth here, collecting the toys there, washing dishes and bathrooms and yourself whenever you get a moment? Well…up until recently vacuum cleaning was nary an issue with her little one and could be (more or less) easily done at any time…until now.
Mama responded immediately to her little guy’s upset, turned off the vacuum and went quickly to him, intent on gathering him up in her arms to help him settle. Mama was devastated when, instead of burying himself into her body to sob and calm, he pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite Mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t immediately comfort him, she paused.
She sat herself down across the room from him and waited respectfully for him to finish his cry.
As she waited, with tears streaming down her face (oh how our heartstrings are tugged!), she found her self quietly talking to him as he hunkered down in a corner of the room away from her. She named his feelings, affirmed his upset, and eventually–maybe for her own comfort, as well–started to sing.
Her little guy? Her singing reached him. He paused a bit in his Great Big Cry…then up he rose from his corner, and toddling as fast as his little feet could carry him he crossed the floor to fling himself into her arms and finish his cry. Mama gratefully comforted her son and, as she held him snuggled in her arms, she realized what a gift she had just given him.
Her gift? An opportunity for him to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm even though he couldn’t, and connected–even from a distance. What a way to feel safe and secure. What a way to communicate respect for how he felt and how he chose to manage himself.
What a way to soundly deposit into a close, caring, respectful relationship. So much learned by both Mama and her young toddler! And this Mama? She just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset in relationship-building ways.
What an important story. What a way to allow both involved to finish their cry. What a way to say, “I have confidence in you. I respect you.”
When we can grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit quietly and respectfully in another’s discomfort it becomes a real gift for all. Today, when your heart is tugged hugely over your child’s Great Big Cry?PAUSE. Give your child the choice in how to be comforted, in what they feel they need. Give them the respect of your understanding company no matter the tears streaming down your face. Let your pause create the pause they need to gather themselves and feel the connection with you that has them learning, growing, thriving.
Then go take care of YOU so you can “finish your cry” as well.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam