A story to share.
A zoo. A mama and papa with several little ones and a Big Brother–4ish. Ice-cream cone in hand 
. Others milling around as we do at zoos. 
Big Brother, ever so excited and eyes glued on the critters he was watching, WHACKS his head on a railing. Ow! Tears and screams–just as a preschooler often does–BIG, LOUD, over-the-top. Because it HURT.
Ice-cream cone teeters…another person reaches and rescues it before it, too, hits the ground. Love that, by the way. It does take a village to raise a child and helping hands when things go awry are always appreciated.
Mama kneels down and envelopes her son in her arms. Another warm and lovely moment, for when things get upset what do our children need the most?
Our calm, comforting selves offering the safe place to FEEL.
Up she scoops him as he screams. Still wonderfully calm and seemingly (outwardly!) at ease despite all the folks within range. Funny how you can practically feel the uncomfortable energy come off of others when a child (or adult, I suppose) expresses themselves in a less-than-happy and loud way. Funny, I say, because this upset isn’t anything new, odd. or rare. So why are we often uneasy around it? And yes, I can be, as well. Something for all of us to work on…getting a bit more comfortable and then accepting of another’s BIG feelings.
Okay. Back to Mama. As she swept up her son to comfort she said (as we often do), “You’re okay…”
This is often what we say when WE are uncomfortable,
embarrassed, uneasy about our child’s behavior and want very much to quell it, shorten it, STOP it.
Totally understandable–especially when under the scrutiny of the public eye. And yet…
Consider this. When we, often because of our own anxiety or discomfort, try to get our kids to STOP whatever they are feeling we communicate to them several things…
…that we don’t have confidence in their ability to manage themselves and it is our job to do it for them.
…that how they feel isn’t real, valid, honest. That how they feel isn’t “right.” Because we are busy telling them “you are okay” when quite obviously they are not.
…that anything other than happy isn’t okay. Now that can become quite the problem as we get older…
And our kids? They tend to (especially at 4…and in the teen years…) get louder. More upset. Sometimes ridiculously so over something that really was rather minor.
What CAN we do?
PAUSE. Be calm, just like this Mama was. Offer a safe place, just like this Mama did (in her arms–which may or may not be what your child needs). AFFIRM their feelings:”You whacked your head. That really hurt….” 
PAUSE again, and give them the time to express themselves. Ask them questions, “Would you like me to rub it?” “Would it help if…?” “What do you need to feel better?” “Papa is holding your ice-cream cone so it stays safe and ready for you when you are ready…”
And wait. With them. And as they start to pull themselves together, because YOUR ability to be alongside them no matter how they feel gives THEM the space and support and encouragement to pull themselves together, you get to say, “It looks like you are feeling better. Are you ready to get down and go check out the tigers…hold your ice-cream cone…march along the path with me…?”
It’s tough. It requires us to recognize how quick we are to try to “fix” our child’s feelings, hurt, experience. It asks us to strengthen our ability to pause and consider. To feel uncomfortable and be okay with that. There’s the tricky part, I think, to feel uncomfortable (embarrassed, anxious, upset…you name it) and BE OKAY with it. Rather like what we are hoping for our kids as they work through hurt or hard of any sort–to know, without a doubt that they CAN, and that they will ultimately be okay, and to trust that.
And when we are able to walk alongside our child through a difficult experience, affirming their feelings, giving them our company (and the feeling of safety that brings), and asking them questions, we are now actively helping grow that future independent, self-directed, whole and wonderful adult we intend.
So today…as your child stumbles, hurts, gets upset and you find yourself wanting them to calm down, be quiet, not hurt so bad…PAUSE. Be there and perhaps be quiet first and foremost. What a way to communicate, “You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you behave and feel.” What a way to build trust. What a way to build confidence (in both of you!). What a way to deposit soundly into the healthy and thriving relationship you want the most.
Here’s to the mama and papa, the ice-cream cone that was eventually handed back (minus a few licks), and the 4-ish little boy who eventually felt better and continued his march through the zoo…:-)
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam