Know what I do when my MAD button is pushed?
You know, the times I’m RIGHT and my child needs to behave accordingly? I get louder. And LOUDER…more insistent. Heated up. I yell–or at least “raise my voice.” I often get into that “controlled” (?!) angry place. Because they have to listen, right? AND behave. Of course, that rarely works. Or if it does work it is at the cost of our relationship–it becomes relationship depleting rather than relationship building.
You know what I often do when my ANXIOUS button gets pushed?
I check out. You know, when something comes up with your kids that just makes you over the top anxious or worried or really, really uncomfortable? I hide. I check out. I disappear into the bathroom or head outside in the hopes it will all fix itself and go away.
It feels like a PAUSE, but really, it is a “scream”–for instead of taking care of my anxiety and letting my calm confidence and connection lead the way, I very loudly in a very quiet way say, “I cannot handle how uncomfortable this is making me feel, so you cannot count on me to walk alongside you and your troubles and help you discover what you can do…” I disappear and feel incredibly relieved when it (seemingly) resolves itself. At least temporarily resolves itself. Fu
nny how the situation always rears its head once again and in a bigger way the next time around.
This checking out? It really doesn’t communicate our confidence in our children (or ourselves). It really doesn’t help our kids figure out a bit more how to really manage their feelings or behavior. It really doesn’t do anything but temporarily ease anxiety and deplete the relationship a little bit more.
And require it all to happen again and often in a bigger way because we really didn’t learn anything the first time around.
Basically it is pushing my PAUSE button without
pushing PLAY once again.
This PAUSE I continually encourage in you (and me)? It requires stepping back into the challenge or conflict or uncomfortable situation–but this time with calm connection focused on and leading the way so you can respond instead of react.
And yes, sometimes your “stepping back in” IS waiting to see what unfolds–and instead of checking out you are now tuning in, listening, paying attention–instead of tuning out. You are being a responsive and connected parent even if you stay quiet. Your kids can tell. YOU can tell the difference between checking out because of anxiety or pausing to stay focused and listening. Very different experiences.
THIS is what PAUSE is all about–it now becomes
relationship building.
It helps us to get a bit better at managing OUR feelings (anxiety!), and let’s us role-model for our children just what it is like to be a mature adult. Or at least acting as such 🙂 . It communicates, “I can handle how you feel and how you behave. We will be okay.” What a powerful message of security to a child that the most mature one CAN handle the least mature’s behavior! With this feeling of security, a child can more likely handle themselves a bit better and challenging situations can spiral up a bit less.
This kind of PAUSE communicates, “You can count on me to
keep it together no matter what you do.”
What a way to build trust–to give a child the space to bounce around in all their BIG feelings knowing, without a doubt, that you will hold that space for them. What a way to (eventually) become the resource your future teen will turn to when the going gets tough because they CAN count on you and trust you.
So if you are like me and find you check out and tune out in the hopes that everything will work itself out, PAUSE right now and consider just what works best for you to calm your own anxiety and push your play button once again.
For me, it is first allowing myself to check out. Then I pause and breathe–deeply–in and out. What a physical calming that creates! Then I think about how I really want this uncomfortable situation to “look”–what I want my kids to learn, what I hope they walk away from it understanding, how I want to feel as a result.
I take a moment to find a memory–however old–of when I DID feel that calm confidence and connection despite anxiety–or maybe just felt the calm confidence and connection, period.
Then on goes my “calm confidence” hat–often acting as if initially, and step back into the uncomfortable situation with the gentle confidence I know I CAN feel and the calm connection my children need the most from me. From there,I trust. I trust what I say, I trust that my kids are doing and experiencing just what they need to in order to learn and grow the most.
I listen better (not perfectly, but better). I try to stop myself from solving what I see as the problem. I let go of solutions and look instead to the next step. I bite my tongue and try not to interrupt as they pour out their feelings and ideas and upset. That can be incredibly difficult… 
I definitely make sure I’m in no hurry–I have learned that no matter the time crunch involved, things are far more successful if I just plunk myself down in the midst of the upset and wait it out by joining in alongside. Calmly. With that gentle confidence and calm connection hat in place. I stay present.
And again, I trust. I trust that nothing can take away the fact I AM their parent–the calm guide I intend to be. I trust in that space PAUSE gave me and is giving them. I use a lot of encouraging self-talk to keep myself in this space. A lot.
And it works. It gets “easier” each time I succeed. It can for you, too. You, too, can use PAUSE to step back, get calm and clear, and then re-connect and respond. You can tip the balance from checking out to tuning in. You can–I know, because I am doing it, too.
I wanted to share so you know the work you are doing I am doing as well. This is what our parenting journeys are all about–growing ourselves as we parent our children with the calm confidence and connection they need the most. There is no end to this growth–we just get to keep getting better and stronger and tipping the balance towards more and more relationship-building experiences. For that is what it is all about. Relationships.
Let’s start today focusing on PAUSE and the calm connection that can follow as we step back into the play of things.
Thinking of each of you…
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam