A story for you!
Mom, fourteen-year-old daughter, eleven-year-old son. Reactive household. Lots of yelling, talking back, frustration, ignoring.
A daughter who began to hide things—her texts, her new found boyfriend, her self.
A mom who was clear she wanted to help her daughter be safe, choose with care, make healthy decisions. A mom who realized what could lie up ahead if she and her kids continued on this road of reactivity, of feeling lousy, of anything but relationship building experiences and interactions.
A mom who sought support via parent coaching...
She decided to start focusing on herself first and foremost…
Mom began to worry less about what her daughter chose to do and focused more on what she (mom) decided to do.
Mom began depositing into her Self Care Savings Account.
She learned about and focused on her PAUSE muscle.
She spent time reflecting on just the kind of adults she intended to grow…on just what kind of relationships she really wanted…on how she would like to feel.
Mom actively grew her calm(er) self and began to listen.
To stay quiet, initially. To express clearly her hopes for her children. To be clear on expectations without it becoming a yelling match. At least, only a one-sided yelling match, for she had decided to no longer yell…but what her kids decided–that was up to them đŸ™‚ .
Mom found herself asking more questions rather than dictating what she thought the answers should be. She discovered she COULD sit through some big emotional times with her young teen and maintain the calm her daughter needed the most from her.
Her daughter began to flourish.
She began to respond well to her mother’s ability to gently intervene, rather than yell, nag, threaten. She began to trust what her mom said she meant and would do. This fourteen year old started to share more openly with her mother. To seek her out as a resource as things escalated with a boyfriend who stepped up his demands…his stalking via texts…the drama of first love relationships…the drama of friendships, period.
Her daughter felt empowered as her mom asked questions rather than told her what to do. She started, on her own, to choose better friends, healthier relationships, to stand up for her self. Mom and daughter began to laugh and talk and enjoy each other more and more often…and family life calmed down.
Fast forward three years. This mom?
She shared with me just how connected, joyful, respectful her relationships with her children have become.
Just what she envisioned three years ago when she initially sought support. She shared how her daughter told her she is someone she trusts, that she can count on mom to listen and often wait before mom intervenes in a situation. Her daughter shared with her how she sees her mother as a resource she can and does and wants to turn to. Cool, hmmm?
This daughter? She is about to fly. College is right around the corner. She is ready–feeling capable, competent, respected, trusted.
This mom? She is ready, too. She now knows, without a doubt, her relationship with this young adult is exactly how she intended it to be.
And the family? Oh the adventures they enjoy together! What a gift to both children to have a parent wanting and willing to grow themselves in order to become the kind of parent they intend to be. What a gift to the children to have a parent actively pausing, considering, living the respect and trust she wants to see; doing whatever she can to calm her own anxieties and worries enough that they no longer lead the way throughout the day; actively focusing on self-care–the foundation for parenting and living well.
What a gift to her children and to herself, all this work at growing has been.
I wanted to share so you can feel a bit more empowered today to pull your focus first to yourself, to trust the process growth and relationships are, to know–really KNOW–that the work you put in right now to parent with calm connection, to parent well, pays off.
It is worth the journey no
matter how many years, for it is about relationships. And it is our relationships that count the most.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2016 Alice Hanscam