Recipe for Parenting Success continues…another Essential Ingredient:
What You Focus on Grows
Intentionally put your attention to just what you want more of. Such as…
…how your child happily shares her yummy snacks with you even though she almost NEVER will do that with her brother no matter how often you encourage her to do…it’s the sharing that DOES happen that needs our attention!
..the fact that your 2-year-old did finally fall sound asleep AND in his bed. No matter that it took two exhausting hours–he DID end up in his own bed 
. And asleep. Definitely focus on that!
...how easily your child listened and packed her own backpack and got her own coat and shoes on and was out the door and in the car…even though it was because it was field trip day at school and she was incredibly excited to get there. She listened, cooperated, and your morning transition went WELL. Something worth focusing on.
…OR how, despite the tantrums and backpack contents spread from here to Timbuktu that required YOU to gather up and that your youngest had to be hauled out to the car, you all got loaded up. Your kids buckled and fussed and moaned but were “ready to go.” THAT is to be focused on…”Thank you for being ready to go.” (I know, by the time you are in the car, you are d-o-n-e with the whole scene. I get that.)
..how you DID create a pause and calm yourself down…albeit near the end of a knock-down-drag-out fight with your teen. At least you ended on a more connected note…and that is to be noticed and appreciated, for really, isn‘t it the connection we ultimately want more of?
…when your little one, after unrolling ALL of the toilet paper quite happily–really, it is a way-cool skill to spin and spin the roll and it really IS delightful to watch how it spills all over the floor–then gathered up bits and pieces to plop into the toilet and flush it down. THAT is to be focused on and absolutely noticed and appreciated out-loud. “You flushed the TP right down the toilet. You know exactly where it goes.”
…the JOY your child gets out of playing board games, even though she gets oh-so-mad when she loses. It’s the joy and the willingness to play that needs our attention.
…how your teen does get his laundry down to the laundry room and into the washer. Maybe it still sits there several days later…maybe you find you dump it out into a pile just to make the point of “Why don’t you FINISH doing your laundry?!”, maybe air-dried and wrinkled clothes are of no bother to him (just to you). The fact is, he got his laundry down and in. THAT is to be noticed!
…how, despite the loud and pushy wrestling match between your kids, and the tears and “MOOOOOM’s” and “Make him STOP!” you actually found yourself being rather matter-of-fact and unswayed by it all. Maybe it was because of the wonderful day you had getting a massage and going on a long and beautiful walk with a friend and that your husband was bringing take-out home for dinner… 🙂 But no matter how easy it was for you to be so calm, you were. THAT is to be focused on. And appreciated!
Here’s the deal. When we become intentional about
finding what IS working and focusing on it, the more it can actually happen.
Children seek attention in the easiest way–and so often we give it for when things go wrong, for those are the loud, frustrating, chaotic moments and they exasperate us. And we let them know–often just as loudly, frustratingly, chaotically.
When our kids are actually doing things cooperatively, when they do listen, are focused and engaged with a friend immersed in their play, getting jobs done without being asked, we tend to ignore it. Oh, we often notice, but if we SAY something we might stir the pot and heavens we don’t want THAT to happen because at least now we have some peace and quiet…
And yet, those are the things we really DO want more of. So we must give them our attention–more so than all the yuck. What we focus on grows.
Let your kids know–often–what it is you notice and appreciate.
Give them attention (maybe after the fact, maybe during) for their ability to share with you, how much fun it is to play games with someone who loves to play them, how they do get their laundry started, can be ready to roll in the morning, put TP where it belongs, that they must feel so well rested after sleeping soundly in their own bed. And give yourself attention and kudos galore for creating the pause to calm down NO MATTER how late into the conflict it arises.
What We Focus on Grows. Always. In time, with patience, with a strengthening PAUSE muscle. This is a mantra to live by.
And it really is an Essential Ingredient in our Recipe for Parenting Success. Another ingredient can be found here.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam