Calm.
It’s easy when things are going well, kids are getting along, life isn’t hectic. It’s easy when you can plug your ears, shut your eyes, disappear as necessary :-). It’s easy when you feel rested, nourished, even energized. Things go better, more smoothly. Maybe even those times where calm is had by locking yourself in the bathroom for a bit–heck, at least you aren’t in the midst of the crazy! A bit of self-care…
Calm is hard, often. And when it’s hard, being that positive influence can go out the window. Those are the times you wish for do-overs–later, when you’ve had time to think, to take a break. Those are the times you end up in a puddle of tears along with your child.
So how DO you become that calm, positive influence your child needs the most in order to grow well?
Exercise and strengthen your PAUSE muscle. It sounds easy, right? 
Practicing your ability to, when your button has been pushed and the heat rises in you, stop…take a moment or a few hours (!). Breathe, count to ten (or a hundred!), walk away, do something that helps you create a bit of space so you can first focus on yourself. Calm yourself down–even an iota. THEN step in and respond to your child, rather than react. Sounds simple.
It is. And it isn’t. Like any habit, it takes practice. Grace for all those times you don’t pause first. Patience as you strengthen a new and powerful skill. It can be easier in some situations. These are the ones worth noticing, appreciating, and practicing. For me, it was easiest to pause and create a bit of space (physically, mentally, whatever) when I felt in a rush to get out the door and my girls were dragging their toes. This irritated me, but it didn’t push any big button in me. So this is where I practiced…taking a deep breath, letting go a bit about lateness, and using as even-keeled a voice as I could to e-a-s-e us out the door…and the more I could do this, the less they dragged their toes!
Knowing I could pause successfully and positively influence my girls at these times gave me the encouragement I needed as I worked at pausing during the really tough moments for me–teen resistance, push-back, sarcasm, eye-rolling, foot stomping, you name it (oh, door slamming, too). It isn’t a smooth road forward, this pausing. It is much more of a roller coaster. The trick is to keep focusing on when pausing has worked for you, when you’ve felt better about what could have been a challenge or struggle and wasn’t; when you’ve felt good about keeping it together even as your child loses it.
Notice these times, for in them you paused. You were able to step in calmer…and in doing so, you created the connection your child needed in order to navigate whatever the moment held. Or if not that particular moment (you know, those times you did well at being calm and your child still spiraled to the Nth degree?), know that the more you DO step in with a pause and calm connection, the more likely IN TIME things will be navigated better, more smoothly.
This is being that positive influence they need the most in order to grow well. This is being the adult your child needs you to be in order to feel safe in the midst of BIG feelings. This is how trust is built. THIS is what grows those respectful relationships we all want. This is relationship-building.
Here’s my pause story for you from when my eldest first taught me how.
It goes waaay back about 17 years…and yes, I am STILL working on strengthening my ability to PAUSE! The amazing thing is how my work at pausing has impacted all my relationships in uplifting ways–truly. It can for you, too.
If you’d like more help, my book PAUSE is a wonderful resource for you. Check it, and my other two books, out right here: https://www.denaliparentcoaching.com/books/
Meanwhile, here’s to YOU and your growing ability to PAUSE. What a gift to your children! What a gift to all your relationships.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2021 Alice Hanscam