Have you ever found yourself thinking:
“Argh! My preschooler is driving me nuts!”
“It’s going to be super hard with my little one at the store–she can’t sit still and never listens to me!”
“He broke curfew! Now he’s going to be difficult to live with for a few days, not being allowed to see his friends. It’s going to be a rough go…”
“Oh man. She took such a short nap. Our afternoon is going to be miserable!”
“I’m already exhausted thinking about plowing through all that homework with my child. They hate it and so do I.”
We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation. Let’s choose them with care.
Just think–as we enter into these challenging moments with our children, with our thoughts on all that we see going wrong, being hard, assuming tantrums and resistance and upset–we most likely get exactly that. Hard. Tantrums. Resistance. Upset. What we focus on grows. Whatever we put our attention on, we get more of. I don’t know about you, but when I stepped into tough times with my girls thinking the worse, I got the worst. Or, even if they surprised me and did pretty well, I was already rather emotionally depleted due to my thoughts. Hard to relish that they DID do well as I simultaneously felt DONE. Not a whole lot of fun. Certainly less productive and far from relationship-building.
We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation and we need to take responsibility for them–and whatever follows as a result. Why don’t we work harder at taking care of and being intentional with what thoughts we start with? What difference this can make.
Such as intentionally deciding to use our thoughts to promote more of what we want. This starts with a pause and considering where your child does do better, work harder, listen, come home on time, etc. Let a PAUSE give you a bit of space to rest your mind on the more productive and successful times you’ve had (and sometimes these are the times you hardly notice, for your child is managing themselves well!)…and then use this awareness to help you step in and more likely create the experience you hope for right now. All by how you are thinking about things.
Try these on for size and think about how you might feel differently (and how your child might behave) as a result:
“My preschooler is exuberant! All his exponential growth is pouring out of him! Has me smiling and sighing at the same time :-). I can be patient and calm!”
“I know my little one needs lots of time to move. I know she loves to do things with me. Let’s see if I can make the store time together something she can really participate in.”
“He broke our curfew! Not seeing his friends for a few days will be tough on him. I will do my best to let him be upset. We will work through this!”
“Ahhh…too short of a nap. Let’s make our afternoon a quieter one so she is less likely to fall totally apart.”
“So much homework! What can we do to make it easier to navigate? Hmmm…”
And now? You are more likely entering into these situations feeling calmer, clearer, steadier. Maybe only a little bit more, and that’s okay. This helps you be more open to what unfolds. Creativity often steps up as you quickly re-direct your toddler at the store, offer up your exuberant preschooler just what they need to get all their BIG feelings out and expressive selves expressed, find yourself listening quietly to your very upset teen, discovering just what your school-aged child needs to focus best on homework, finding quiet time to ease your little one’s tired afternoon.
The cool thing is, instead of getting wrapped up in all that feels depleting and exhausting, you begin to see the important and wonderful growth in your child. Instead of seeing all they are doing “wrong” you begin to see all they are doing WELL or better. You will find yourself understanding your child better, appreciating the growth they are doing, and more likely discovering ways to nurture that rather than hinder it. Through the Lens of Appreciation is an article I wrote that may help you further, as you work at reframing your own thoughts about your child.
Choose your thoughts with care as you step in to respond to, guide, and be with your child. Know that this is something you can control, something that can truly make a relationship-building difference. How cool is that?
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2021 Alice Hanscam