Lessons learned (and eventually laughed over and currently driven nuts by) from a preschooler…
~ Feelings ERUPT from me like a volcano when I’m mad, sad, frustrated. I do everything in a big, often LOUD, definitely exuberant, often exasperating and exhausting (to you, at least) way…even when I feel especially shy and need your body or shirt to bury myself in so the world will stop looking at me. PLEASE don’t ask me to “smile at the camera” or “give Grannie a kiss” or “just CALM down!” Because it’s hard for me when the volcano in me takes over…
~ I am the Boss of ME! And when I’m the BOSS I get to choose…and you need to stay calm and consistent with just what I can expect from the choice I make…even and most especially when I choose OTHERWISE…
~ If you as
k to help me I’ll say NO and if you don’t ask to help me I’ll say “Mooommmmmeeeeeee! I N-E-E-E-E-D you!” And really, I do need your help by you just keeping me company…maybe from a distance, though. Cuz I think I CAN get these tights on my legs, this puzzle figured out, this jungle gym conquered. Maybe. But I might need your help.
~ Pretending is a good thing...why NOT be a nurse, fire-fighter, kitty cat, monster, musician, mommy, baby, doctor, mail man, the best-est or strongest or prettiest dancer with a fluffy tutu or a spaceman with a helmet (but don’t forget the sword, for all spacemen really need a sword…or maybe a magic wand)…
~ I’m stronger, better, bigger, faster, louder than YOU and so is my daddy and my mommy AND my pet snake! So THERE.
~ Silly silly silly is the name of MY game! Make up songs and words and funny faces along with me. You know when I say THOSE words that you say aren’t okay? Change ’em up and you’ll have me giggling away….fudgicles, boom-BAH, silly-billy-willy. Sing me through something hard while acting it out and all things get easier: “Blowy blowy blowy goes the wind….the trees are swaying, the leaves are FLUTTERING….the clouds are P-O-O-F-I-N-G away!!!!” You’ll have me blowing and fluttering and POOFING away!! And giggling 🙂 Life gets better with SILLY. 
~ Honesty is saying exactly what I see or repeating what I hear. Loudly. In public. Like at the store. Or the museum. Or restaurant. Such as “Mama, does that fat lady have a baby in HER tummy?” or “I have to POOP!” or like those times you smacked your knee on the table and said THAT word…oh that’s so FUNNY! (See the silly silly silly above!).
~ Who says I have to share? You aren’t MY friend (at least today and probably because you don’t like fish crackers like I do. Or because I think your favorite shirt is silly since it doesn’t have pockets…or…). Besides, I just don’t want to share. And if you make me? I might just turn into a volcano all over again…mostly because I just don’t understand why I have to stop MY turn just so SHE can have a turn. This is all so confusing…
~ I’ll give you LOTS of practice at being embarrassed! And mad, too. Especially out in public. I think you NEED practice, because I know JUST how to push your button and it is rather entertaining watching you get all hot and bothered…but really, it’s scary to me, too, because aren’t YOU the grown up?
~ What? You are only giving me a choice for the blue cup and the red cup?? That’s for BABIES. I need more choices than THAT. How about asking me to go find the cup I want AND pour my own milk? I AM 4, now. I can do those things. Not like when I was a BABY. (note to you mommies and daddies: up the ante on choices or suffer the consequences…AKA volcanic eruptions. From me. But also probably from YOU).
~ Company is required at the kitchen counter but I’M in charge, not YOU (remember–I am the Boss of ME) and THIS is the recipe we are making and mess is expected and licks are required…then we can have a tea party!!!! But wait, I have to get all my stuffed guys set up…and oh yeah, first I better get ’em all dressed for the party. No, I’m NOT ready to come mix the recipe, I’m BUSY. W-a-i-t!!!! You said I could have a lick! It’s my turn to mix! NOT FAIR.
Ahhh…life with a preschooler. What have you learned today from yours? What has surprised or delighted you? I know my daughter surprised ME when she turned 3.5 and…whew. I thought it was toddler years that were supposed to be hard! If I’d only known 
.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Love this. Definitely helped me see my 4yr old in a new way and remember where he is at developmentally. He went from being my easy going boy to someone completely different so I needed some reminders about 4 yr olds. He really is his own boss. Would love any input on how to let him be his own boss while still being his boss… Thanks for the ideas:)
Hello Molly!
I love how you put this, “…how to let him be his own boss while still being his boss…!” I do want to reframe this a bit–letting him be his own boss while you are his parent guiding him :-).This really all comes down to choices. (a favorite piece that may help you is https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/07/24/choices-choices-choices-help/). Being his own boss is all about learning more about himself–what he can and cannot do, what he is responsible for and not responsible for, what he likes and doesn’t like, etc. And choices are really the key to this. Soooo…being his own boss when, say, it is time to be dressed could look like: “It’s time to be dressed and then we can enjoy breakfast together! Would you like some help or do you want to get dressed all by yourself?” The easy version is, of course, that he agreeably goes and gets dressed. The more challenging version is when he chooses to ignore you, or say NO, or take a painfully l-o-n-g time as he gets majorly distracted by playing. Your position as his parent intent on helping him learn to manage himself well is to respect his choice and follow through with the results of his choice: “Looks like you need some help with getting dressed…” and you step in to help. This might end up with an easy help or maybe he throws a fit and gets super upset. Then perhaps it is about: “Wow. Getting dressed is tough for you right now. When you are ready to have help or try again, let me know. I’ll be downstairs getting breakfast ready.” There are so many variables! The ultimate goal being to help him learn how to be responsible for himself, his choices, his actions, his feelings. Make sense? Let me know if reading the article I shared helps you some more. And I love questions, so reach out as you think about this.
Another piece that might clarify more of what our responsibilities are as parents is: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/21/you-are-not-responsible-for-your-child/
Alice