A story for you…
You know those LOUD, often whiny or disrespectful tones of voices, the mad and sad and over-the-top glad that has you feeling exhausted, frustrated, equally mad and sad and over-the-top glad? The BIG feelings you just wish would go away?
A parent recently shared her frustration over her 8-year-old son and all the BIG feelings erupting…and her desire to feel far calmer and more content in all things family.
Her story–just one example of what seemed to fill her days–was how her son the other day FLIPPED OUT over thinking he wouldn’t get the treat promised him because the coffee shop they went to for the treat only had one left and his younger sister loudly proclaimed “It’s MINE!”
Mom found herself reactively scolding her son to “Cool your jets!” and “Use a polite voice!” Totally understandable–just think, in a small and busy coffee shop, all eyes upon you, and all you want is to get your child to STOP.
Yet her intent to get him to be quieter and more polite done from this reactive place actually stirred things up even more and left them feeling all rather crummy.
No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.
She knew she wanted to do it differently. She knew she COULD do it differently and in a way that was relationship building.
Talking together had us walking through a do-over (essential for practicing and strengthening yourself), with calm connection and feeling content leading the way. Mom began thinking about what she could do the next time an eruption occurred (possibly not long after we finished our conversation…).
She was clear that she wanted to respectfully help her son learn to manage his feelings–always what big feelings gives us the opportunity for, guiding our kids in such a way they can learn more about how to express all the feelings that pour out of them.
Here’s what she realized:
…PAUSE, first and foremost, and breathe. Think, “calm connection” and “I have an opportunity to help him through this respectfully…” Encouraging self-talk is a strength to rely on. It makes a difference.
…Affirm his feelings, “Wow. You are super upset! Do you think you can’t have the treat I promised you?”
…Ask questions, “Ahhh. I see there is only one treat left here…I get it. There are TWO of you–and boy, your sister sounds like she really, really wants it all to herself! Hmmm…do you guys have some ideas for figuring this out?”
...Give a clear framework, “What a good idea, you two can split it (or we can head to another coffee shop). When you are feeling calmer and ready to use your regular tone of voice, we will do this!”
...Stay lighthearted as best as possible 
Now the interaction can become an opportunity
for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.
And believe it or not, that initial embarrassment over a public fit? It dissipates. Your focus is on yourself and your child rather than all the eyes you initially felt were upon you, connection is encouraged and often maintained, and you can feel good and proud of yourself for how you handled it all.
To heck with embarrassment! Now you’ve just role-modeled for all what respect looks like no matter how your child decides to behave .
This mom? She took herself through this mental do-over with a great big AHA feeling all the way through. This she knows she can do, for she has done it many times before…it just takes practice and a pause. She knows how her son responds so much better when she is calm, clear, and connected. She has seen how naming and affirming feelings goes a long way for her son to feel relieved, heard, and more in control of himself. And she knows, because she has ‘been there,’ that she CAN stay calm even if her son still decides to flip out.
What a difference that can make.
Start with a PAUSE when you find yourself in one of THOSE situations. Focus on the calm connection you intend, on the successes you have had. And then tell me what you notice is different. I think you will like what you see, for what we focus on grows. And check out either or both my books to help you along…
Here’s to BIG feelings and the power of PAUSE!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam