“Do we want our toddlers to learn how to use simple math and language symbols, or do we want them to truly understand mathematical concepts, develop their higher learning skills, be deep thinkers and creative problem solvers…
Any time we interrupt what an infant or toddler might be working on to “teach” him, we discourage focus and attention span. Attempting to plant seeds of knowledge in our babies inadvertently plants seeds of doubt. How can our child believe that the activities he chooses are valuable, when we signal that we want him to do something more…or different?” (How To Help Your Baby Become A Math Genius (Or Not), Janet Lansbury)
I truly appreciate Janet Lansbury‘s work. This one being the most recent I’ve immersed myself in. What stands out to me is the difference between “using a skill” and “UNDERSTANDING a concept.” 
I remember when we paused with our second daughter–considering putting her Kindergarten at age 6, rather than as a brand new 5 (her birthday fell right at the school district’s cut-off date for entering Kindergarten.) With my husband being an elementary teacher, and me being an early child development professional, we both knew in our gut that waiting might be best. Yet we still explored…
And what our elder daughter’s Kindergarten teacher said was something to the effect of second (and third and on) children tend to SEEM ready “earlier” due to being exposed to their older sibling’s experiences. So they often knew how to USE a skill–they’ve watched and copied and been immersed in their older sibling’s experiences. But their understanding and the necessary deeper comprehension wasn’t there yet. They could recite numbers and letters, for instance, but were less likely to KNOW what those numbers and letters truly represented and meant.
It was this that gave us the go-ahead to PAUSE and give our younger daughter the time SHE needed to explore her world at her own pace.
Math. Oh there is so MUCH our little ones are learning and absorbing just as Janet speaks of! All on their own as they test, explore, touch, taste…and what an added bonus when, as we head up the stairs with them, we find ourselves counting each step. Or describing just what size portion they are getting–“I cut you 3 apple slices! One. Two. THREE!” Noticing out loud how they dumped ALL the blocks out of the box and are now plunking in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
When we step back and let them work those puzzle pieces in they are learning all about shape, geometry, size. When we give them a cup or two in the bath tub and they practice pouring and dumping and filling they are learning all about quantity and physics and more.
The smooshed peas added to their oatmeal? Chemistry at its best!
A ball rolling rolling rolling…and then rolling back and forth with you? Kinesthetics. Physics.
Baby studying the wheel on a toy…and discovering how to make it go round and round? Physics!
Block building? Oh so much! Numbers. Quantity. Balance. Cause and effect. Gravity! Physics, math, science science science.
The more we can respect PLAY–aka exploration, discovery, trial and error, problem solving–the more we are supporting our little one’s optimal growth. How cool is that?
Babies and toddlers and preschoolers are Scientists Extraordinaire. We just have to get out of their way and quietly observe. Engage appropriately by naming and describing what they are experiencing. Provide a rich and varied environment (and this doesn’t need to be bought toys!) Think paper bags. Boxes. Scarves. Kleenex boxes with various lids tucked inside. Spoons! Pots and pans…oh so much just around the house that adds to that rich and varied environment.
I so appreciate Janet’s work. Here’s a piece from me that may delight you “Important Ways To Play Toddler Style.”
Enjoy your day today! Let it be the brain building one for your child it can so easily be 
.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Digital Wellness in an Era of Distraction
April 11, 2022 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment
Digital Wellness. Essential for parenting and living well. Heads up–a bit of snarky voice (initially) to follow…I hope you’ll stay with me…:
Our attention to our devices and the times
our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,
and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,
and emotional development.
Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional
experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.
They are ESSENTIAL.
…now you actually respond in a way that makes
sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m
curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now
you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”
And you really do.
THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and
self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.
The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.
Pause before you hand them a screen to-WHEW-give you a break. Pause…and consider if you are able to handle their big upset knowing you are doing them a favor by sitting in it with them rather than distracting them with a screen.
Put your phone away as much as possible while you are at the park. Even just for a bit of the time can make a real and positive difference. (Sometimes getting caught up on messages now is important for our focused time with our children later.) Watch your children play. See what you notice. Learn a bit more about who they are as they tackle difficult climbing toys or negotiate with other children. Be available to exchange smiles, waves, “I see you’s!”
Give your Baby your full presence while nursing or bottle feeding. Let your gaze linger no matter where their gaze is. For when you stay focused on them it means you will fully engage when they open their beautiful eyes to find you. What a way to nurture a deep bond with your little one!
Pull out the play-dough, the books, the little toy animals. Put away the iPad with the “creative app.” Pretty awesome what can unfold as your child gets lost in their own imagination…
Busy yourself in the kitchen or doing laundry or weeding or other hands-on chore while your child immerses herself in art or Lego or play. This way you CAN be tuned in and aware. And when you need to be on your device? Let your child know to expect this and that when you are done, you will check back in with them. What a difference this can make!
.
Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.
Tip the balance. Start today. Bolster YOUR self. Ask for help. Talk to friends. Create ways for YOU to be successful as you work at lessening your screen use and becoming more intentional with it so you can parent well, successfully, with greater confidence, presence, and all things relationship-building. Let Digital Wellness be the focus in your family.
Chore Charts, Behavior Charts, Sticker Charts, Oh My!
March 30, 2022 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment
Chore charts. Behavior charts. Daily charts. Charts with stickers, charts with toys or adventures to earn, charts to show the order of the day. Charts, charts, and more charts.
We work so hard at getting our children to behave!
We attempt all kinds of systems to change their behavior in positive ways–charts being pretty common and tried by many of us, I’m certain. And they can work…for awhile.
Funny, though, how either we begin to fade away from following through with them (“Geez! I’ve forgotten to let my child put stickers on all he’s done!”) or our children–after the initial days of total excitement over stickers, check marks, rewards to look forward to–begin to ignore it…resort back to ignoring you and your requests…leave the dog unfed, resist brushing their teeth, no longer care about the cool toy that is promised. That well thought out chart? It just doesn’t cut it anymore.
Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.
Just think about that diet you put yourself on to lose a few pounds or how you decided to truly stay on top of a house project or how you swore you were going to start cooking from scratch more and more often. Just think about how these vows to create the change you know could be beneficial for you sort of went out the window fairly quickly…and the old ways stuck.
Change in our children requires us to focus on ourselves first and foremost. Consider where real and lasting change has occurred with your children, in your life, work related, school related, relationship related. No matter, just change that felt truly successful. Consider what it took–perhaps determination, clarity on just what you intended with this change, commitment to it and consistency as you stuck with it, a friend encouraging you along the way, moments of success that had you willingly digging in deeper to stick it out…
Now consider this:
What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?
What if we focused on creating the foundation for potential change in our children? On being the positive, calming influence with our kids that can have them stepping up on their own, motivating themselves to make more productive choices? Not doing it because of the cool sparkly star they get to add to their chart, not because they get to go to Bouncy Bears as a prize, not because they now have you smiling at them instead of frowning…but really motivating their own selves because it feels good and right TO THEM from the inside out?
What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:
~ I noticed and affirmed my child today as I saw them use gentle hands, clean up, take their dish to the counter, pet the dog, buckle up in the car, use their words, play quietly, sleep soundly, tackle their homework, shut the door carefully…
~ I intentionally looked to where my child made productive choices and I let her know I noticed–“When you clean up your blocks like that, I appreciate it and it means we can get out the board game and play!” “Letting your friend know that you couldn’t play today was hard, but I can see getting your homework done is important to you.”
~ I chose to stay calm and connected to my child today, despite how she behaved…it was hard and I did it! Patience ruled!
~ I paid attention to where my child took charge of himself–by flushing the toilet, choosing her socks, deciding on which cereal he wants, remembering to pack her homework, digging out their favorite shirt from the laundry all by themselves, zipping his coat, toddling over with a sloshing cup of milk in hand to give it to me, saying NO to coming indoors to play or NO to being asked to share (yes, that is a child taking charge of themselves!)…:-)
~ I paused today and followed through calmly and consistently with just what I had promised my child (whether it was a consequence or something fun). Keeping promises is important to me!
~ I intentionally gave my child an opportunity to do things “all by herself”, to grow as an independent, capable, competent soul. Perhaps I paused and waited as I watched my little one work hard at climbing onto the chair (and discovered how, even with bumps and crashes, she DID it. All by herself!); I gave the car keys and a grocery list to the newly licensed teen in my house (that was a bit nerve-wracking…); I stepped back while my child quite gleefully dug into the dog food bag and very generously filled the dog’s bowl…no wonder our dog is overweight…
~ I deposited into my self-care account today and it felt GREAT.
Now
what might be different? Just think…
…intentionally focusing on what you want more of; intentionally focusing on growing your ability to parent well. Affirming yourself all day long.
What might be different about your day? How might you feel no matter what your child chooses to do? How, with your focus on yourself, could this positively influence your child?
Try it. Write up a chart for yourself. Get a bunch of pretty stars to stick on or delicious chocolate to reward yourself as you pay attention to what you want to do differently. Real and lasting change can be yours–and it begins with you. So go put your attention on just what you want more of and pat yourself on the back often for doing just this. You deserve to feel and be affirmed. The work you do to create positive change in your family is tough, essential, and totally rewarding.
I give you STARS today! Some dark chocolate, too 🙂
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Important Moments in the Day of a Preschooler!
January 31, 2022 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Important moments in the day of a preschooler…
~ Being the Boss of Themselves! Whether it’s preferring peanut butter and mustard sandwiches that they create, or deciding between listening to your words or losing out on something important to them (your attention, perhaps?!), being the boss of themselves is essential. And if we forget who is the boss of whom, they will remind us–exuberantly, loudly, with great emphasis. Encouraging them as their own boss is essential for growing a self-directed adult–and this means we have to let go of them always deciding to choose what we’d prefer, and following through calmly and consistently with whatever the results of their choice is. 
~ Imagining and pretending…that they can jump the highest, run the fastest, be the strongest…play at length pretending to be a mommy or doctor or horse. Giving them the space and time to get lost in their imagination is a gift that will keep on giving all through their years. Encourage this today, step out of their play, and protect the uninterrupted time necessary for imagining to be the rich opportunity for growth it is.
~ Volcanic feelings! Oh the out-of-bounds, explosive, BIG feelings that burst forth so unexpectedly at times. Our ability to acknowledge and affirm them, to stay calm in their presence, and role model appropriate expression is key for helping our children learn to manage themselves. “Wow! That really made you mad. Hitting hurts. What words can you use to let her know about your mad?” We give our children the gift of a safe and secure ‘place’ to FEEL as we draw on our ability to flow calmly with their eruptions–and the safer they can feel, the more able they can learn to manage their out-of-bounds nature…and the easier it gets.
~ Creating, making, designing. Immersed in glue, tape, paper, paint, play dough, scissors, etc. Time to think their thoughts, work with their hands, get lost in the process. Admiring their handiwork when called upon-“Yes! I see how many pieces of tape you used!” “I can tell blue was the color you used the most today.” “You worked hard at putting all those pieces together with the glue…” Nothing fancy required, just time, space to make a mess, and recognition for the work they do instead of the product they produce.
~ Household chores and tasks–feeding pets, doing dishes, cooking with you, starting the laundry, sweeping, raking, weeding…simple family time can emerge from doing the mundane tasks we have each day. Preschoolers love being included…they love showing off what they can do all on their own! Take the time to slow down, include them, and know you are more likely growing a future teen wanting and willing to mow the lawn…!
~ Playing with a friend–oh how preschoolers love to be with buddies! Whether it is parallel play with little real interaction, or intense and sometimes loud sharing and negotiations. This is a time of discovery–who they are, where they belong, what is and is not theirs, what they can and cannot do. Playing with a buddy provides so many opportunities to learn about themselves! Our job? Mostly to stay out of it all. Be on the periphery, acknowledge feelings, ask questions, notice how the play ebbs and flows from involved and intense to quiet. It’ll get messy, loud, hurtful, joyous. Let go of judging it, be curious and observant, and stay calm and matter-of-fact when the explosive behavior and feelings erupt…and now you are truly supporting the early stages of true friendship.
Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery
and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.
It’s in the simple moments…
Another preschool article for you: Preschoolers–Hang on for the Ride!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
3’s and 4’s Can Be HARD
December 8, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
3’s and 4’s can be HARD…and they can leave you wondering just what happened to your little one, who–not so long ago–was an agreeable and enjoyable little soul? All of a sudden their EXUBERANCE can become trying…testing…exhausting. SO…
HOW do you parent respectfully with
an over-the-top, EXUBERANT, volcanic-ly
erupting preschooler??
HOW do you stay calm, consistent, connected when all youwant to do is scream, yank, cry, shut-down–make it all go away?
Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).
This over-the-top behavior? It means your child is ready to grow, become more independent, learn new things, get stronger from the inside out. Know this is possible BECAUSE of your work at parenting respectfully.
So how? With connection. Okay, maybe a few other things, as well, such as keeping your promises, clear expectations, choice choice choice, showing them over and over what they CAN do. And endless patience. Remember to deposit into your Self-Care Account often!
And it is with connection that is paramount. Connection that says:
~You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave. What a way to communicate confidence to your child, a safe (emotional and physical) space for them to “bang around” in.
~You can trust me to keep my promises–you can count on what I say is what I mean AND will do calmly, gently, consistently. What a way to build the essential foundation of trust.
~I will sit beside you while you are a puddle of tears. I will wait with you; I will be quiet and know just when to encourage you gently, perhaps a bit light-heartedly, perhaps just with open arms to hold you.
~I will stay near while you finish your tantrum. I will keep you safe and others around you safe. I will manage my own upset and embarrassment so you don’t have to. (So often our work at “getting them to stop/behave” is more about our embarrassment and discomfort. How we choose to handle our feelings directly influences how and what our child learns.)
~I understand how you feel and you know this because I say things like: “You are really mad that we have to leave. It’s hard for me to leave my friends, too. Shall we make plans to see them again soon?” “It really is frustrating when your little brother gets right into the middle of your work.” “I can see how sad you feel about not having a turn. You really like having turns at this game. Me, too…”
~I give you choices for how you CAN use your EXUBERANT self in appropriate ways: “You really want to be loud! Inside libraries are for quieter voices. Let’s go outside where you can be as LOUD as you’d like.” “ZOOM! You can run fast! You know what? The church has a rule of only walking. How about we go find the best running place of all together? I wonder where it might be…” “Ouch! Hitting hurts me! I can tell you are super mad right now. Sometimes you really need to HIT to get that mad out–we can go whack the couch pillows together, or maybe you can try high-fiving me on my hand with all your energy…”
~You can count on me to let you know what to expect. What a way for a child to feel more secure when his world is predictable: “We leave in 5 minutes. What would you like to finish up before we leave?” “When we are done reading these books, it is time to…” “When we head out the door to preschool, you’ll need your boots and coat ready to go. Do you want to stuff them in your backpack or wear them out to the car?” And then you keep your promise and follow-through no matter what your child chooses or how your child decides to behave.
A few more for you during those challenging moments…all with the intent to keep connection at the forefront and parenting respectfully leading the way:
“Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.” Then you do, calmly, matter-of-factly…respectfully.
“I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.” And maybe they need help in calming down–gently led to a quieter place, sat with without direct attention, held…or just given a space to be for awhile…
“Ohhh…that hurt your sister. She is really sad. I see how upset you are that she came in and wrecked your Lego structure. That just doesn’t feel fair, does it? I wonder what can help her and you feel better?” And you listen. Brainstorm. Comfort both as needed. Be available.
“I can hear you talking to me (as they whine…). You have something important to tell me.”
“It is really tough to share your toy with your friend. When you push and grab, it hurts his feelings. What is it you’d like to say?” Keep your attention on how you’d like them to handle things, rather than scolding for what they did…what we focus on grows, so choose with care where you put your attention.
Calm connection. Respectful parenting.
What does this require from you?
The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.
It asks you to be OKAY with feeling embarrassed, mad, frustrated–what a way to role-model for your over-the-top preschooler that you, too, feel all these feelings AND can be counted on to manage them well. Show your child what you do with your big feelings. Acknowledge and affirm your own–it’ll make it easier for you to PAUSE and do the same for your child.
This is a slow process–never a quick fix. Know that. And as a result of trusting your ability to parent respectfully and letting calm connection lead the way, you will discover your preschooler to morph into a cooperative, communicative, collaborative, totally awesome 5- or 6-year-old.
Just in time to gather yourself back together, enjoy family life once again, and be ready (and stronger!) for the next round of tumultuous times. At about 6.5 years of age. Hang on to your hat!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
A Favorite Way to Play!
November 23, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment
Home-made play-dough!
)
When done? Just plop it all into a ziplock bag or other airtight container and save for the next time Play-Dough Fun is to be had!
Enjoy! My favorite play-dough–especially when first off the stove and warm!
Here’s to you today as you look for ways to play…
Lessons Learned From Elementary-aged Children…
November 9, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional Comment
Lessons learned from (and delighted in and aggravated over…) an elementary aged child’s perspective:
~ It’s not FAIR. ALL my other friends get to do, wear, say…(fill in the blank with whatever it is you are saying no to). But really, what I need the most from you is your understanding that I need to feel connected to my friends, to be a part of the group…AND have you still stay firm about this and be OKAY with my mad! (I still think it’s not fair, though.)
~ I’ll give you lots of practice at taking care of your heart! Because I think my teacher or my best friend’s mom or that mom I watch on TV is smarter than you…and I often tell you so! I need you to be okay with this…mostly because I’m just trying on new ideas and perspectives and practicing all those future critical thinking skills you want me to have.
~ If you just ask me how school was today I’ll probably say “Fine.” If you ask me what I did today at school, I’ll probably say, “I dunno.” If you ask me how ANYthing went after my long day away from you, the most I can muster up is “I forgot” or a shrug or “Okay, I guess.”
~ When you ask me if I played tag or chose to swing during recess, you just MIGHT get a story! If you ask if I sat next to Johnny or Molly at lunch, you just MIGHT hear about all my friends at the lunch table. If you ask what funny or crazy story my teacher shared today, be ready to hear all I have to say! Asking me something specific often gets an answer.
~ Sometimes I have a BEST friend and we do everything together at school. Sometimes I come home sad because my best friend said she wasn’t my friend anymore. Why do friends DO that? Be sure to let me finish my cry…then maybe we can come up with an idea that’ll feel just right to me. It feels so good to have you keep me company an listen!
~ “Mom, Mom, Mom! I’ve been invited to THREE birthday parties on Saturday! Can I go, can I go? What!?! I have to CHOOSE? But I want to go to all of them! They won’t be my friends if I don’t! Moooommmmmm! You just don’t understand!” Oh the roller coaster ride I will take you on…because really, friends are so important. And so is YOUR ability to help me sort out what is right for me.
~ Doing homework can be fun! I feel important, having real homework to do. Watch me plunk right down and get to work It makes it easier for me to do this when you have the table ready and a snack for me to eat. Thank you!
~ Doing homework can be a real DRAG. I don’t WANT to spend time doing my math and writing a book report. I just want to play or hang out and listen to my music. And it’s hard! When you keep me company it can help. But be sure not to hover or give me the answers (or bug me about getting it done) because this is MY job and I want to be proud of my SELF. Though I know it’s tempting, cuz I can throw such a fit about it all.
~ Scouts, Taekwondo, swimming, music lessons, dance, soccer, art classes–can I do them ALL? When you say I have to choose I get so MAD because I have friends doing each of these things and I want to do them TOO…but really, I’m glad some days after school are just home days. I like to have time to read and dress my dolls and hide out in my fort. I like to get lost in my knitting project or even just hang out on my bed with a friend and talk. But still, can’t I do them ALL?
~ Being teased is no fun. (But teasing my little sister is great fun!) Being teased sometimes leaves me mad AND hurt. Especially when it becomes unkind. I sometimes want to crawl into a shell and never come out. Sometimes it is super hard going to school because I feel so left out. It really helps me when my family rallies around me and we play games and go on adventures together. That makes it easier to feel left out by “friends.” It makes it easier to try on a NEW friend, because you let me invite one along on our adventures.
~ I’ll leave you feeling pretty guilty when we have one of THOSE mornings. Like when we yell a lot at each other before I leave to school. I usually forget all about it once I’m with my friends and doing cool stuff. I just need you to greet me after school without reminding me of how crummy we started our day. Starting fresh is a relief!
~ It makes me feel so special (until it becomes embarrassing but that’s a whole other lesson learned) when you pick me up from school and can listen to me without telling me to wait for you to finish texting. I burst out of school to run to the car and having you there smiling just at ME feels SO good! I’ve missed you all day…(I probably don’t tell you this, though.)
Elementary-aged children. What an amazing time of growth! From 6 to 12, from eager to please to eye-rolling. From everyone is a best friend to just a few special friends. From up and ready to roll each day to dragging their toes out the door. Family time becomes important time. Go play a game with your child today!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Some of What I See
November 8, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment
You know what warmed my heart of recent?
T
he young toddler run-run-running in toddler style down a wooden walkway in a local park. Arms pumping, knees high, and the BIGGEST grin on her face. The other cool thing? How her parents quietly followed along, their long strides matching the run run running of their toddler. Quietly. Respectfully. Giving their little one time to just BE.Lovely.
A certain 4.5 year-old in my life who asked his Mama to ask me if I could join them at the library. They were already there, immersed in all things BOOKS and it was me he thought of–an invitation hard to beat.
The small group of grandparents, parents, and school-aged kids at a local marsh, binoculars in hand, finding the bald eagle w-a-y out on a tree, studying moose remains a bit nearer, identifying arctic terns and swallows, and blue-winged teal ducks. Identifying because the kids have been shown, asked questions, given binoculars to learn to use. Bird book alongside. What a way to deposit into a healthy brain! Hands on, language and sensory rich, whole body, relationship-based learning.
A certain 10-year-old in my life who was eager to join in on his mother’s and my walk on a bike trail. Up he hopped on his bike, helmet in place, and then carefully and steadily stayed right beside us. No
need to dash ahead, for he said he wanted to be next to us to talk. And talk he did 🙂 And when we were all back at his house enjoying tea? He said, “That was fun! I’m glad I went with you.” Cool, hmmmm?
Watching two favorite little boys–toddler and preschooler–roast hot dogs over our campfire one night. The concentration, the careful holding of the long metal stick, the adjustments to move A-W-A-Y from the smoke. The rather loud reluctance over letting go of the rather charred hot dog…until a slice of melon was offered up to roast, instead 🙂 All of it done with watchful eyes, space for both to manage the roasting all by themselves. And THEN there were the marshmallows…
That certain 10-year-old once again in my life who shared, as we sipped tea together, how much he loves to visit his Great Grandma. Why, I asked? “Because she is fun, shares jokes, and I love her stories,” he said. Now THAT is awesome.
My heart has been warmed and really, all it takes is pausing to notice and appreciate, to listen and maybe ask a question or two. Today, take time to look around and watch a bit. Catch that moment of a young toddler squatting close to a flower to study a bug. Watch for the GLEE as children play freely. Join in alongside your child to actively learn about something. Appreciate in little and big ways all through your days…it can begin to work magic in an otherwise hectic, stressful, or overwhelmed day.
Really!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Important Moments in the Day of a Teen
October 4, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Important moments in the day of a teen…and if you are a parent of a preschooler, you may discover how similar this can be!!
~When mom or dad recognize NOW is the time to listen, no matter how late at night, if you are just running out the door, or up to your elbows in some messy project. Now is the time…the more you can be flexible and give your full attention even for just a few minutes, the more you deposit into a continued healthy relationship with your teen. They feel supported, heard, and can count on you.
~Sleeping in! Until noon, if possible 🙂
~Being part of a group–whether it is a team, friends, volunteer activity, or family–being part of it and feeling accepted and included is HUGE for a teen. Here is where they can strengthen their inner identity, confidence, and feel more self assured. Groups can be one or two good friends or the entire football team…
~When parents ‘take the blame’, giving their teen an ‘out’ in a difficult situation. Saying no to peers can be nigh on impossible at times…having your parents to ‘blame’ can bring relief beyond measure (often couched in attitude and sarcasm, but relief and gratitude are underneath it all!)
~Being fully in charge of themselves–whether because mom and dad support and encourage this, or because they’ve had to do whatever it takes to claim it. Often stated through clothing, piercings, tattoos, attitude, risk taking behavior, defiance, eye-rolling… Increasing independence is key; being proactive as a parent with doing just this–increasing independence–can actually minimize the less than desirable ways a teen may express it.
~Risk taking! Driving too fast, courageously asking their crush out on a date, climbing mountains beyond their ability (ask me about that one!). Teens naturally are risk takers. Knowing their physical and emotional limits begins in the early years as we give out toddlers and preschoolers opportunities to struggle, providing a solid foundation for managing the bigger risks teens can take. Expect your teen to step WAY beyond your comfort level…and let them experience the results of their risk-taking choices with you the calm and connected guide they need to do so.
~Down time–being allowed to do ‘nothing’ and not be called lazy. Down time is so essential for healthy growth and healthy brains!
~Feeling heard and understood first, rather than directed or told NO WAY right off the bat…and this includes letting them purge all their feelings. Remember the volcanic nature of feelings at age 4? Well, hang on, for it comes again. Sitting alongside your teen, giving them a safe place to let it all out, is essential for them to process, manage, and move forward. Just like your preschooler.
~When given the car keys 
~Having a calm, connected parent no matter what choice they make. Calm, connected, firm, kind, and respectful. And now they can more likely ‘own up’ to their actions and take the responsibility necessary for becoming a mature adult
Teens. Tumultuous, terrific, terrifying at times.
Totally awesome overall.
It’s the little moments each day that count the most as we build positive, healthy relationships with our children. Make the most of these…slow down, recognize these moment for the value they are, and be present. Your children are worth it…and so are you.
Make it great today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Lessons Learned from a Baby
September 27, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Lessons learned (when exhaustion finally subsides…) from a baby…
...I’ve got you wrapped around my little chubby hand, now don’t I? Look at me, sound asleep, so peaceful, little sighs and funny expressions flickering across my face…at least, for the moment. And only if you keep holding me. You weren’t planning on getting anything DONE during nap time, were you?
…I really DO know when I’m hungry (you just need to figure out that when my diaper needs changing I sound THIS way, and when I’m sleepy, I fuss THAT way…), and I also know exactly when my tummy is full. That means stop nudging my lips with the bottle to get me to finish the milk you prepared. My tummy is FULL. For now. Give me about 30 minutes and maybe I’ll have room again.
...Just when you’ve gotten all my cute little clothes sorted I GROW! Poof! Over night! THAT was what all my “out of sorts” was about. I was busy growing.
…To catch naps when you can cuz I’m going to keep you up as much as possible the rest of the time… 
…That I am truly a capable and competent little soul who appreciates being warned before anything gets “done to me.” Let me know when you are going to pick me up; let me know when you want to wipe my chin or nose; let me know when I can expect a trickle of water over my tummy or a shirt to go over my head. It startles me when you don’t tell me, first.
…I really CAN figure out how to roll, sit, pull myself up all by myself when I’m given lots of time to be freely on the floor. I like it best when you watch–and I trick you to make you think I really like it when you do it for me…but then, how can I really grow my capable and competent self when you stand me up, rescue me from rolling under a chair, hold my hands to “make” me walk? Its fun…but these are MY jobs.
…Acting-as-if you are calm and confident as you hand me over to my care-giver for the first, tenth, hundredth time. Yup. I need you to act this way, other wise I’d think you didn’t trust my care-giver to take care of me or trust ME to be able to feel safe and secure while you are away from me. So hand me over. Smile at me. Say “bye” and then be sure to come back! I need to count on you…
...Letting go of strict routines while sticking to a predictable rhythm–now there’s a challenge I present you with! Ha. You think I will be hungry every 3 hours or ready for my nap at noon like usual. Well, have I got a surprise for YOU. I’m hungry NOW! And I have NO intention on napping at noon…nope. At least I can count on you to understand…to offer me my milk…to snuggle and look at me while I drink (No phones, please), to read me stories anyway, and then recognize I still have lots of wiggles to get out ’til I really AM ready for a snooze.
...That my fussy and out-of-sorts self needs you to listen and watch so you can comfort me how I need you to. That way you’ll discover if its my teeth hurting me or that I’m missing you or that I’m wet, sleepy, hungry, tired of all the company oohing and ahhhing over me, have too many dangly toys in front of my face, or am just DONE with the peek-a-boo game you keep trying to play with me. I KNOW you can figure it out because you always seem to end up doing just what I need…even if it takes several tries. I’m patient. Sort of. At least, I’m learning to be, with your company.
…That having a baby (ME!) can be overwhelming, joyful, exhausting, confusing, amazing. And heart-wrenching at times. Heart-filling, too. I sure know how to keep you on your toes, don’t I?!
What is amazing you about YOUR baby today? What lesson have you learned that has surprised you the most? I’d like to know 
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Ready for Kindergarten!
August 3, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional Comment
Have a Five or Almost Five Year Old? Or a Will Be Just Six in the Fall?
Here’s what a Ready For Kindergarten child “looks” like:
Confident. Persistent. Cooperative. Collaborative. Empathetic. Self Controlled. Problem Solver. Creative. Communicative. Curious.
And here is what it takes to GET a little one ready for school–to have that solid SOLID foundation from which all else grows:
Playing, talking, singing, and reading together
with a fully present adult.
(Thank you to Best Beginnings for the pictures that made this photo and for all the work you do to help children and families!) 
And I’ll add a few other things for that foundation upon which all else can flourish:
A parent who is intent on growing themselves to be better, stronger within, more confident and clear, able to be calm and comfortable in whatever their child throws at them (OR, acting-as-if they are as they work at strengthening just this!)…PAUSE. It really makes a relationship-building difference.
A parent who takes responsibility FOR the kind of physical and emotional environment their child grows in. And works at keeping it healthy all through the years.
A parent who takes responsibility FOR understanding child development, reaching out for help, discovering resources and all other support, knowledge, encouragement available–and then uses it.
A parent who takes responsibility FOR how they decide to think, feel, and act no matter how their child decides to do the same. And hopefully decides to do so from a respectful, kind place. Relationship-building all the way. More on this can be found here.
And now a child–with wonderful talking, singing, playing,
and reading with their special and present adult and an adult
who grows their calm, consistent, confident, responsible TO
their child selves–can more likely flourish.
And BE ready for Kindergarten and all things SCHOOL. Sometimes at age 5. Sometimes at age 6.
Check out Best Beginnings –lots of fantastic resources for parents no matter where you live.
Let the learning begin.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Calm, Consistent, and Connected
July 9, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through.
Key for building healthy, strong, respectful relationships and children who can cooperate and collaborate; children who can truly be in charge of themselves in ever increasing ways…children who can thrive.
When we keep our promise by following through calmly with what we say we’ll do, our kids now can count on us--they can count on what we say we will do. THIS is how trust is built and is key for a healthy and strong relationship. Whether it is following through with a promised treat, a lost privilege, or walking alongside them through the result of a choice they made–no matter how they choose to behave. And oh yes, there is where it can get hard!
Keep in mind the PAUSE that is essential so you really can be calm and connected as you help them along, despite BIG feelings, buttons being pushed, a puddle of a tantrum thrown.
Ideas for you directly from my book (and where more can be found!), “Parenting Inspired”:
~”You carried your plate all the way to the counter! Now you are ready to play our family game. Let’s go get daddy and brother to join us!”
~”I can see it is too hard to keep the milk in the cup or swallowed down to your tummy. Time to be all done.” And the cup gets put away as you stay (or act-as-if!) matter-of-fact and maybe even lighthearted as the beginnings of a tantrum rear up…or jello legs and arched back occur… 🙂
~”You buckled all by yourself! Now we can go. Let’s go drive drive drive to the library and choose LOTS of new books!”
~”You really don’t want to be buckled at all. Time to buckle and be safe. I will do it for you.” And you can sing-song your way through what might be a struggle, commenting as-if just to yourself about how at the library (where perhaps you are headed) you KNOW there is some way-cool books about bugs, buses, or monsters–whatever your little one is fascinated by! Then letting go of whether they get interested in your musings or choosing to still be MAD.
~“All ready! Thank you for gathering your jacket and backpack. We are headed out on time!” And now you and your child get to share funny stories or a yummy snack because all is good as you drive down the road…and you let them know how much you enjoy this!
~“It seems it’s too hard for you to get your backpack ready. It’s time to go.” And off you go, perhaps minus the backpack (and now your child has the opportunity to discover that minus his backpack he doesn’t have his lunch or homework, hopefully influencing him the next morning to be more likely to gather all he needs…). Or maybe WITH the backpack and little to no attention on the fact that you grabbed it, giving your child the opportunity to still feel grumpy and slow as molasses about having to go…rather than focusing on how you’ll take care of packing the backpack for her :-).
~”Thank you for coming home by eight. I appreciate you respecting the rules. Now, tell me all about your evening! I’m excited to hear what you and your buddy ended up doing for the project you are working on…”
~”You chose to come home late. I can tell you had a great time, but know that my car will be off limits to you until Sunday.” And on Saturday when your teen is begging for the car? You get to understand his frustration, reiterate that on Sunday he is welcome to use it once again, and ask him if there is another solution to his feeling stuck without it…keeping the loss of your car entirely his responsibility.
~”You chose one more turn! Thank you for being ready to head upstairs. Now we may have time for an extra book or two tonight. Which ones do you want to read?”
~”Two more turns just didn’t feel like enough. I can tell you are disappointed. It is time to head upstairs. I can carry you or you can run up as fast as you can!” And with that light sense of humor in place you choose to be a slithery snake headed up the stairs…or a mama octopus with so many arms to wrap around your writhing child as you then put your attention to what the upstairs has awaiting… 🙂
What does this require from us?
Clarity on what we want them to learn about in the long and short run.
Our ability to be OKAY in the big feelings that may erupt. That’s where PAUSE comes in!
Our patience as we have to do some of this over and over again.
Our ability to affirm out loud just what it is we want more of.
Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through. What a way to communicate “You can trust me and count on me.” What a way to say, “I hear you and I understand.”
What a way to help a child learn a bit more about
themselves, to grow their capable and competent selves, to feel safe even when they feel MAD. What a way to grow respectful, healthy, strong relationships.
Today, let your child know they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do--calmly, matter-of-factly, lightheartedly…maybe even with a twinkle in your eye, if you can. At the minimum, with a PAUSE in place so you can step in with calm connection leading the way no matter how YOU feel!
Find a collection of my work to inspire you as you strive to parent well here: “Parenting Through Relationship.”
Here’s to you!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam
Lessons Learned from a Preschooler
June 2, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments
Lessons learned (and eventually laughed over and currently driven nuts by) from a preschooler…
~ Feelings ERUPT from me like a volcano when I’m mad, sad, frustrated. I do everything in a big, often LOUD, definitely exuberant, often exasperating and exhausting (to you, at least) way…even when I feel especially shy and need your body or shirt to bury myself in so the world will stop looking at me. PLEASE don’t ask me to “smile at the camera” or “give Grannie a kiss” or “just CALM down!” Because it’s hard for me when the volcano in me takes over…
~ I am the Boss of ME! And when I’m the BOSS I get to choose…and you need to stay calm and consistent with just what I can expect from the choice I make…even and most especially when I choose OTHERWISE…
~ If you as
k to help me I’ll say NO and if you don’t ask to help me I’ll say “Mooommmmmeeeeeee! I N-E-E-E-E-D you!” And really, I do need your help by you just keeping me company…maybe from a distance, though. Cuz I think I CAN get these tights on my legs, this puzzle figured out, this jungle gym conquered. Maybe. But I might need your help.
~ Pretending is a good thing...why NOT be a nurse, fire-fighter, kitty cat, monster, musician, mommy, baby, doctor, mail man, the best-est or strongest or prettiest dancer with a fluffy tutu or a spaceman with a helmet (but don’t forget the sword, for all spacemen really need a sword…or maybe a magic wand)…
~ I’m stronger, better, bigger, faster, louder than YOU and so is my daddy and my mommy AND my pet snake! So THERE.
~ Silly silly silly is the name of MY game! Make up songs and words and funny faces along with me. You know when I say THOSE words that you say aren’t okay? Change ’em up and you’ll have me giggling away….fudgicles, boom-BAH, silly-billy-willy. Sing me through something hard while acting it out and all things get easier: “Blowy blowy blowy goes the wind….the trees are swaying, the leaves are FLUTTERING….the clouds are P-O-O-F-I-N-G away!!!!” You’ll have me blowing and fluttering and POOFING away!! And giggling 🙂 Life gets better with SILLY. 
~ Honesty is saying exactly what I see or repeating what I hear. Loudly. In public. Like at the store. Or the museum. Or restaurant. Such as “Mama, does that fat lady have a baby in HER tummy?” or “I have to POOP!” or like those times you smacked your knee on the table and said THAT word…oh that’s so FUNNY! (See the silly silly silly above!).
~ Who says I have to share? You aren’t MY friend (at least today and probably because you don’t like fish crackers like I do. Or because I think your favorite shirt is silly since it doesn’t have pockets…or…). Besides, I just don’t want to share. And if you make me? I might just turn into a volcano all over again…mostly because I just don’t understand why I have to stop MY turn just so SHE can have a turn. This is all so confusing…
~ I’ll give you LOTS of practice at being embarrassed! And mad, too. Especially out in public. I think you NEED practice, because I know JUST how to push your button and it is rather entertaining watching you get all hot and bothered…but really, it’s scary to me, too, because aren’t YOU the grown up?
~ What? You are only giving me a choice for the blue cup and the red cup?? That’s for BABIES. I need more choices than THAT. How about asking me to go find the cup I want AND pour my own milk? I AM 4, now. I can do those things. Not like when I was a BABY. (note to you mommies and daddies: up the ante on choices or suffer the consequences…AKA volcanic eruptions. From me. But also probably from YOU).
~ Company is required at the kitchen counter but I’M in charge, not YOU (remember–I am the Boss of ME) and THIS is the recipe we are making and mess is expected and licks are required…then we can have a tea party!!!! But wait, I have to get all my stuffed guys set up…and oh yeah, first I better get ’em all dressed for the party. No, I’m NOT ready to come mix the recipe, I’m BUSY. W-a-i-t!!!! You said I could have a lick! It’s my turn to mix! NOT FAIR.
Ahhh…life with a preschooler. What have you learned today from yours? What has surprised or delighted you? I know my daughter surprised ME when she turned 3.5 and…whew. I thought it was toddler years that were supposed to be hard! If I’d only known .
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Too Much, Too Soon…
April 30, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Hurried children. Too much too soon often equals not enough.
Not enough…
…of their developmental needs being met–emotionally and physically.
…of down time, free play time, non-adult directed time.
…space to discover for themselves what they like and don’t like, can and can’t do, is their responsibility and is not their responsibility
…family time–often translated as meals together, or outings, or games played.
…OUTSIDE time. Kicking around, exploring, climbing, playing, daydreaming.
…being listened to, heard, and understood.
…respect for who THEY are becoming.
Hurried children. It can also mean TOO much.
Too much…
…pressure to achieve achieve achieve.
…push to try everything all at once–so many cool extra-curriculars….
…expectations to be more, better, smarter, faster, and everything SOONER
…of us trying to control their lives, decisions, thoughts, feelings, actions
…responsibility or opportunity that doesn’t match their emotional or physical developmental level.
…stress, period.
The results? These hurried children can seem
to do exceptionally well until all of a sudden they don’t.
You might find they…
…check out of just what they seemed passionate about for many years–such as a sports or other activity they did intensely since early elementary. And often this checking out has them turning to less desirable activities…
…start to fail in school. Or struggle. Or not care.
…become addicted–to drugs, alcohol, screen time (maybe as a result of checking out of the sport or activity that they lived for up until now)
…become anxious, nervous, angry. Cry. Throw even more tantrums.
…become deeply depressed, ill, unable to participate in healthy living.
You know, it often doesn’t seem a bad thing, expecting a lot from our kids, exposing them to wonderful and interesting activities at length, succumbing to their “But all my friends are doing it!” Skipping family meals regularly can be replaced with other family time. Outdoors can be “skipped” since, well, neighborhoods might be unsafe or the weather uncooperative. Unfortunately that can often mean screen time to fill the time. And that’s a whole other hurried issue as kids are exposed to things far from appropriate for their age and stage…
And yet, more often than not when we get caught up in
hurrying our children, it really is more about us.
Our need to feel the good parent; the successful parent–“I’ve got a smart kid” “I am doing it right because my child is in so many cool activities and knows how to do all these things…”
Or maybe it is about us needing to feel in control--in control of what our kids are doing, saying, thinking, feeling. One way to do this is to manage their every hour of every day…and it leaves our kids either resenting us or passively accepting our every word and action as just right for them.
It often comes from our desire to “do it right” and “make sure” our kids have every opportunity in life in order to succeed. We really do care–deeply, ever so deeply–for our children and their well being. This is our strength as parents.
And yet a hurried child is really missing what they need in order to ultimately be that self-directed, responsible, caring adult we hope for.
When we hurry, we are no longer paying
attention to what their developmental need is–we miss important things in our child’s life.
And when they don’t get their needs met we really are robbing them of the strong, inner-directed, healthy development necessary for becoming that future successful adult.
Hurried children. It really is about slowing US down. Letting go a bit. Focusing on OUR anxieties and need to be the “good parent” and calm ourselves down. Think. Find support and encouragement often. Consider just what kind of adult we intend to grow. Know, really KNOW, that slowing down, doing less, focusing on building relationships rather than building a smart kid is essential for true success. No matter what society says.
Someone I respect greatly in this field is David Elkind. Check him out. He’s written many books on this subject from preschoolers to teens. He was a professor of mine oh so many years ago at Tufts University in the Child Study department. He left an impact on me. He continues to with all of his work. And so do many, many others as we work at helping families thrive.
Here’s to you today as you sort through all the pressure our society imposes on us as we strive to parent well. It really does begin with our ability to focus on ourselves, first, and get clear about what we really want.
And yes, that hurried feeling? It’ll still exist as you rush to get out the door on time, with everyone in tow and put together. THAT hurry is rather normal…
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Respectful Mama and Papa Moments
April 7, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Respectful mama and papa moments truly appreciated:
~ The mama of a 13-month-old working hard at climbing up a ladder to reach the top of a slide. Young Toddler was quite focused on placing his feet with care, practicing up and down motions with each leg on each ladder rung, pausin
g to take in other kids’ antics around him, then back to navigating the steep upward climb he was on. This mama? She stayed quietly behind him, never interrupting, always watchful. She gave him his space to navigate on his own time. And when he reached the top? Oh his JOY over his accomplishment! And it was HIS accomplishment. Mama’s eyes twinkled at mine, for I was happily watching from the other side. Her respect shown to her young toddler to do his own work at his own pace spoke volumes to this little guy.
~The mama with a 3-year-old who has decided dogs make him quite worried…any dog, any size. Her calm self offering up her arms as he decides a dog is too close to him (this includes the ones 50-feet away and on a leash walking the opposite direction 
), her soothing words as she names his worry, her respect for how long he needs to be close to her and when he decides he is ready to move away on his own. Quiet, calm, affirming…respectful.
~The papa of a 9-month-old baby in the midst of meeting many new folk always asking his little one first whether she was ready for Grandma, for Auntie, for another to hold her...and respecting her response as she either clung more tightly to papa or leaned out to the new person. Asking first, observing with care, describing what he saw, “You aren’t ready for Susan to hold you” or “You’d like to see Uncle Charlie!”, and then respecting his little one by holding her longer, or passing her over–always staying near and ready to receive her right back as needed. What a way to communicate “your feelings are valued and important…” So truly respectful.
~The mama in the hardware store who let her 5-year-old use her as the hiding place from which to play peek-a-boo and “You can’t see me!” game with another adult (me). As the rambunctiousness ramped up (yes, I really did slow down my game as she ramped up!), mama so respectfully got down next to her daughter, put her hands on her shoulders and told her in a quiet voice that it was time to settle down. Calm, gentle, quiet, yet firm. Respectful. Now the little girl and I just flashed grins at each other…letting our game go
~The parents of a kindergartner who have intentionally chosen to parent entirely differently from how they were each brought up. They both decided that “Because I TOLD you so” would not be in their vocabulary for it was always hurtful to them as they grew up in their respective households…and instead to state gently to the ever-negotiating 5-year-old, “Because I’ve asked you to…” What a simple change of words that expresses such respect. Lovely.
What have you noticed and appreciated of recent? How has PAUSE helped YOU to connect with your child from a calm, connected, respectful place? Give PAUSE a try today…it really can work wonders.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Considering Praise
March 2, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
“Good job!” “You are SO smart.”
“What a pretty little girl you are!” “You are an amazing athlete.” “Good boy for sharing!” “You are an ace at math.” “Good girl!” “You made such a pretty picture–good job.””What a brave boy you are!”
Sounds good, right? Familiar, perhaps, as you praise your child all through the day?
Consider this—praise of this kind can actually displace just what
our children need the most.
Yes, displace. Stay with me here! I know praise for all they do seems like the way to grow those strong-from-the-inside-out kids, but consider this–as we give what feels like encouragement to our children in just the above way, we can undermine their ability to be intrinsically motivated–firing from inside themselves as they tap into their strengths and abilities to, on their own, pursue all things in life; we can undermine their growth as a strong, inner directed person.
Think about this–if we tell a child “Good job!” when they willingly get dressed in the morning, what does this communicate when they have a hard time getting dressed the next morning? That they are doing a ‘bad job?’ This is what a child ‘hears’, and it does little to help them decide, on their own, to want to get dressed in the morning!
If we tell a child “You are so smart!” when they bring home an assignment they got 100% on, how do they feel when they come home with one marked with 75%? Or when they find themselves struggling with homework? If we’ve told them they are so smart, then they more likely will feel a failure when they struggle–“I’m supposed to be so smart. Why can’t I DO this??”
If we tell our daughter how pretty she looks as she prances out in her frilly red dress, what are we communicating is important? How she looks? How could this influence her over the years…as a teen…if how she looks becomes the go-to response she gets from us?
What CAN we do?
Oh so much! Describing what you see rather than praising is essential for our children to grow intrinsically motivated and to feel authentically affirmed.
Here’s how that can look:
“You chose the red frilly dress! And you buttoned all those buttons by yourself. That took a lot of work.”
“Wow. That took a lot of brain work to come home with 100% on your assignment. I bet you feel really good about how your hard work paid off.”
“I see blue, green, black, and yellow in your picture. You chose to use a LOT of the yellow! And look how you went round and round with your marker to make so many circle shapes…”
“Look how strong your muscles can be! What effort it takes to carry the bag all the way up the stairs. I appreciate your help.”
“What a commitment you’ve had to your training. I can see how happy you are to make the team at school!”
“Math can be hard! Look at all the problems you’ve accomplished. You’ve concentrated on this for a long time.”
“Your friend is happy you shared your toy! What a kind thing to do.”
“It takes a lot of courage to climb up so high. When you are ready, you can give it a go.”
What is different?
Now you are focusing on abilities, strengths, and qualities.
These are things you want to encourage for they help our children become more confident, feel more capable, able to take risks, to rally from mistakes, to move through struggle. To know “I can really use my brain” sets a child up to work through a tough homework problem in an empowering way. Hearing “You are so smart!” can leave a child at a loss when they don’t do well on a test, or when they can’t figure out a problem. Using “You CAN be” instead of “You ARE…” gives a child the chance to be something else. Empowering!
Take time today to pause as your child shows you the work they’ve done.
Describe what you see–including the feelings of your child. Notice the L-O-N-G brush strokes across their painting and say something. Notice the colors they chose and tell them that’s what you see. 
Pay attention to what they called upon to get through a tough moment and name it for them. Ask them questions about what it took to accomplish what they are grinning from ear to ear about.
Use struggles as a time to name and affirm their feelings, rather than find something to praise in order to ‘make them feel better.’ Use struggles as a time to identify the inner strengths they are trying to tap into to succeed–“That puzzle is really difficult. It is frustrating for you! I can see you are working really hard to figure it out…” “When your friend says those things it hurts your feelings and I can tell you feel sad. What might help you right now?”
This is important.
Growing children who feel empowered, authentically affirmed, and intrinsically motivated is key for living well all through life.
It makes your job as a parent easier as your child can now move through struggles more successfully, can call upon their own selves to solve something, can make healthier choices with peers, and feel truly competent and capable. Give it a try and notice what is different as you focus on your child’s abilities, their process, the qualities you want the most. I believe you’ll see just how your child is growing in amazing ways…and they’ll “see” it, too.
Now when you find yourself throwing out the inevitable “good job!” or “You look so pretty!” now and again? No worries, for you’ve tipped the balance towards emphasizing just what you want the most–children feeling strong from the inside out.
What a gift to your child and to your relationships!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Did You Know? Media Matters.
February 22, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment
It’s evening. You are scrambling to get dinner going or maybe immersed in cleaning it all up. Your children are ramping up. You’ve worked all day and still have chores, emails, work, bath, reading, teeth to do. Chaos is reigning and you need a distraction–you and your kids!
On goes the 
TV. Or iPad. Or other digital device. A show is put on. Or video game. Or other entertaining App. But since YOU need the distraction just as much, you turn on a funny show that you enjoy and seems totally okay for your kids, too.
PAUSE. Something we need to KNOW is just how what our kids watch affects their developing selves. So let’s rewind a bit to a handful of years ago and a concrete example I can give. Remember the show Friends? It was lighthearted, funny, geared toward adults and aired at a time children were still up. It actually was the top rated show for preschoolers for 10 years.It really matters none which show I focus on, the info I share next pertains to ALL that we plunk our kids in front of; yet Friends is such an excellent example.
Let’s start with our preschoolers. What IS the big deal about letting them watch alongside us funny-to-us shows that seem relatively harmless?
Consider this…
The number one developmental task of a preschooler is to learn behavioral and emotional self-control--if you are a parent of a 4-year-old you know exactly what this means! There is little emotional (or behavioral!) self control exhibited on Friends–that is what makes it so funny for us watching it. We laugh at it all!
What does our laughter communicate to our preschooler?
That self-control is really not all that important. That losing our self-control really is just funny! Oops. Probably not what we really want to communicate as we yet again try to get our over-the-top preschooler to just cool their jets…not hit their brother…quit throwing and jumping and flying over the furniture or yelling extra loud, or being that puddle on the floor because they didn’t get their turn…
Take this further…
If our preschooler does not successfully accomplish the task of self-control, they now do not have what they need to grow through the middle childhood main task in healthy ways–how to be a friend. That preschool task of learning to manage BIG feelings? It is necessary to develop healthy friendships.
How does watching friends as an elementary age child influence them at this developmental stage?
That friendships are supposed to be sarcastic, unkind, back-biting. What does our laughter as we watch this show communicate? That this is exactly how friendships are supposed to look.
Fast forward to middle school and check out how the kids are treating each other. Oh heck, look at your 4th, 5th, or 6th grader to see plenty of unkindness, back-biting, downright mean stuff. Yes, sometimes this is “normal” (think girls and the challenges in later elementary years), and that is all the more reason to be sure what is role-modeled everywhere else (shows included) is respectful and kind.
Let’s go a bit further down the developmental road…
To the teen years. What is the number one task for a teen? The further development of intimate relationships (as well as separating from us!). What does our enjoyment over Friends communicate as they, too, watch?
That all of our relationships are infused with sex–that this is what the epitome of a meaningful relationship is. Sexual, sarcastic, unkind. I am most certain most of you want to see just the opposite in your teen–you’d like to see respect, healthy choices, a kind and generous spirit (at least away from home… 🙂 ).
It is essential that we think through what
we want our children exposed to.
PAUSE and think through what we want to communicate and what we actually are via our words and actions.
Be sensitive to your child’s developmental stage and how what they watch influences their social, emotional, and intellectual growth. Take it seriously, for your child’s (and our society’s) health depends on it.
And when you still, out of sheer desperation, turn on a show that just isn’t a great choice? It’s OKAY. Because you’ve worked hard at choosing with care and as you navigate the world of media and screens these moments are going to happen–in your home, or elsewhere. Their effect CAN be countered by the protective factors of a safe, loving, connected relationship with you. YOU who will ask questions, talk about what the child sees, explore their feelings, role model just what you really want.
Science, research, experience is showing us clearly what many of us know intuitively. Take care in the media you expose your children to. It matters.
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
I NEED This Fight!
January 24, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments
Because someone I care about very much is having a difficult time sorting out all that his 16-year-old is throwing at him, I share this link and my thoughts and response with the hopes that it can help–him and perhaps many of you.
I want him to do what he can for himself that calms him, gives him confidence, patience, and trust in this very painful process he’s in. It will take time, this anger she’s throwing at him and life. Time and his daughter being able to count on HIM to be steady, calm, consistent, caring. Time. Just as it will for each of you, if you find yourself in the midst of this kind of angst with your child. Teen OR toddler and on. 
“The letter your teenager can’t write you”
“This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me.” © 2015 Gretchen L Schmelzer
Alice’s take:
EXCELLENT letter and one that is as pertinent for teens as it is for toddlers.
When we can provide the safe place for our kids of ANY age to “bang around” in as they sort themselves out, FEEL, discover, experience, then our kids truly can learn and grow. And our relationships can be that much healthier and more connected. WE can be seen (perhaps in time…) as the resource we’d like to be for our kids.
They NEED the fight. The tantrum. The test-test-testing.
And it is absolutely essential that we (more often than not, since really, this is all about tipping the balance rather
than being perfect…) pass their test.
How does this look?
Pausing. Whether for a brief moment or hours…
Calming ourselves as best we can. Breathe? Focus on a brief task? Telling yourself “I can do this…this too shall pass…”? Encouraging self talk. It can do wonders.
Getting clear on just what it is we want the most–-whether it is to just get out the door in one piece and hopefully with all necessary parts stuffed in the backpacks, a relationship that feels strong and healthy, or our child feeling that much more competent and capable…
Then stepping BACK in and responding to our child from this calmer and clearer place. Responding rather than reacting. Essential. And it is less about what you then say or do and WAY more about HOW you say and do it. Calmly. With connection. Respectfully.
Now our child can feel heard. Understood. Safe and secure. Our child can feel respected–because of feeling heard AND because we have more likely honored their choice by calmly following through with the results of their choice. Even if it is still a NO. When we’ve taken the moment to gather ourselves and respond instead of react, our NO is received more productively (even if it is still LOUD and upset…).
Or maybe it isn’t about NO.
Maybe it is about giving a safe place for your very upset and angry teen to unload, to know they can “empty their bucket” entirely because you are calm and listening. No decisions, consequences, answers. Just the safe place to feel and eventually process. Then maybe you can come back together, explore all that came pouring out, ask questions, and truly collaborate.
“I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.” (Gretchen L Schmelzer)
Our children need to KNOW, without a doubt,
that they can count on us to keep it together even
(and most especially) when they cannot.
Now that is powerful.
So today, PAUSE. Know that you CAN be the steady, safe place for your child to bang around in and sort things out. Trust this. Keep your attention on the kind of future adult and relationship with your child you want the most. Because what we focus on grows.
Know that my books can be a real and positive resource for you as you struggle and know that your struggle is as essential as your child’s need to test and fight .
Thank you to Gretchen Schmelzer (www.gretchenschmelzer.com) for a fabulous write-up. Here’s to the dad and 16-year-old I care about very much…
Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Lessons Learned, Strengthened, and Deeply Appreciated
December 3, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments
Lessons learned and greatly appreciated (and quite applicable to parenting) from Life’s Neighborhood–the memory care wing in an assisted living home:
…Being fully present makes all the difference. Oh, yes.
…Connection via a hand placed on another becomes real, meaningful, and important. Holding hands, too.
…LIGHT radiates from those tremendous smiles given as an elderly senior feels that important–albeit often fleeting–connection. So like our baby’s Tremendous Smiles as they first catch sight of us each day…or moment…
…Music and singing lifts souls and taps feet, claps hands, and has some folks dancing–wheel chair bound or not. Movement! So like our little ones.
…Light-hearted humor and playfulness make everything easier and more fun. Laughing. It is essential. Including the kind that turns into tears.
…Pool noodles make great balloon whackers. Whacking balloons brings out GLEE. GLEE leaves folk chuckling, delighting, wanting more. Connection abounds. Playing! Always a good thing.
…The HARD is softened by the bits of JOY shared. And there is joy everywhere…we just have to be looking for it. Sometimes it is obvious, like a lovely gemstone. Sometimes it is the gemstone still in the rough…hard to see the beauty, light, and JOY. Yet it is still there…awaiting a bit of polishing.
…Improvisation. The art of being completely in the moment with another going with THEIR “agenda”, letting go of ours. Pretty powerful. Quite the trails one can go down with a senior with dementia (so like a full-on talking toddler at times as they chat their way through their play!).
…Being understood and appreciated right where a person is “at” brings the warmest smiles of all. Whether its joining alongside a senior who thinks he is headed to a “meeting” with the “boss” to talk about “the numbers” or a young child who is tickled over how the moon “walks with me” and it was “the kitty-no, dinosaur, no my imaginary friend who ate all the peanut butter cuz they crawled into the cupboard, Mama, and hid all night long just like in the story you read and so can I have cookies for lunch?”
...Knowing what to expect and given the chance to be ready feels ever so respectful. To see that in action with elders brings me all the way back to how essential that is for our babies.
…Feeling safe comes from calm, consistent, connected care-giving. And feeling safe is what makes many things possible. It can take time, this feeling safe. Hence the importance of our consistency.
…Big feelings abound. Stepping in alongside gently and quietly can make all the difference in the world. Oh, yes.
…Having a team to work with, laugh with, share with, cry with is essential. Often what self-care is when your work is emotionally and physically HARD and you give 100% all day long. This team-work? It makes all things possible.
Seniors with dementia. Care for them at its best is the very same that we need to be giving our children. Or everyone. Our presence, acceptance, touch. Our respect, gentle care, and calm consistency. What a reminder of how lives can be lived all through the years. What a gift to any of our relationships.
Lessons learned, strengthened, and deeply appreciated. I am grateful to Aegis Living for giving me gifts beyond measure as they so respectfully cared for my mother.
Thank you.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Boxes! Play! REAL Learning.
October 19, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment
BOXES! One of the best playthings from crawlers and on.
I remember my 15-month-old would fill a small box with all her books then climb in and read and read and read. When we went to work at my husband’s fishing site in remote Alaska, all we took was a small box and a pile of books. She immediately set about filling her box with her books, settled herself in the midst of them all, and “read.” To this day, 28 years later, she is an avid reader, though seldom from within a box… 🙂
I remember
our friends who built a “Cardboard Condo” that actually was collapsed and moved to their new house, it was such a favorite play thing for their preschoolers. A combination of multiple sized boxes, a bit of duct-tape, and presto! The favorite place to be and a magnet for all the little buddies who came to play. What a way to encourage self-direction, creativity, and imagination--as seen from afar as play changed from being Knights Sword Fighting to Daddies and Mommies and House to “I Bet You Can’t Find Me!”
I remember the refrigerator sized boxes we cut doors and windows in–let the play begin! We often put baskets of markers and crayons inside for them to color the walls, flashlights and books for reading in the dark, and a variety of buddies from stuffed kitty to stick horse that seemed to find their way in and back out–often stuffed right through the windows with peals of laughter over such a funny way to come and go. As the interest in the box waned…we switched up what they discovered inside it. Oh how much fun we all had! A wonderful way to create the kind of play that allows Mom and Dad to get work done around the house… 🙂
I know a family of a young toddler who has a wonderful box conglomeration in their living room–first set up when their son was a crawling baby and they gave him the opportunity to learn a bit about going through something, around something, in something, playing peek-a-boo from something. Now they’ve added tubes and balls and the play expands! So many concepts being learned in just the right way–PLAY.
One box, after intense play, was flattened and turned into a map of roads for all our toy cars–the 4 and 7-year old kids in my care busy driving driving driving all around it. The 4-year-old boy was intent on parking and navigating the “roads” with cars, and his 7-year-old sister was busy creating “houses” and “people” for the cars to come to! All with markers and toy cars, sprawled on top of this flattened chunk of cardboard, completely engrossed in their own imaginings. Ever so essential for all things growth and learning!
Shoe box mailboxes and slot mailboxes were added to the box forts in our living room–now my girls “wrote” letters, folded and folded and folded them, sealed them into a make-shift envelope or a real one and mailed them–endlessly. And happily UN-folded them to read each day! So much incredible learning available through a simple box. We had fun writing them letters for them to discover in their cardboard house mailboxes…and to this day? 25 years later? They write US, friends, each other, grandparents–REAL letters and postcards. What a way to nurture close and meaningful relationships.
I know a little boy who decided a smaller box was HIS quiet place. He’d climb in with his special guy and blanket whenever he needed time to just be. He’d sit there watching all the play around him, quite content. In his box. Lovely. This, in the midst of a small and busy daycare center. The really cool thing? Everyone respected the space he needed and defined for himself.
What a way to help him grow into that capable, confident boy who knows how to manage himself and all his needs well.
And I know a family of a preschooler and infant who have extended their box house into the most magnificent “castle” of hidey-holes and windows and buckets on pulleys and balls and drawbridges that has all kinds of play and joy and quiet time and snack time and pretending to be a post-office time emerging from this castle. Oh! And coloring and writing all over the walls, inside and out. Play that has them totally absorbed in what THEY are doing. Play that includes parents. Play that makes room for buddies and ideas and individual space and conflict and negotiations…on and on and on.
Children lost in their play. Just as it should be.
Totally awesome! And all it takes is a box or two or three or…
BOXES. Fantastic!
With JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Let’s Talk Sharing
September 3, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Let’s talk sharing. I found myself lingering in our local library recently, enjoying the ‘learn, play, read’ area they’ve created for infants to preschoolers. I watched how parents quietly sat on the floor and stayed present to their exploring little ones. I loved the access to so many fabulous books.
And I heard the inevitable “Share!” “No, no, be nice, you have to share.” “You can’t have that, you have to share it.”
This sharing deal? It really is more about us than our children.
Think about it. Developmentally it is between 3 and 5 that children really grasp what sharing is all about. Yet we demand our toddlers and young preschoolers to somehow just ‘know’ how to do it. And whew, wouldn’t it be nice if they did! No fighting, arguing, grabbing…all is fine and easy and we can feel like good parents.
Sharing requires understanding of ours and another’s feelings and desires. Sharing is about being creative with another as you use something together, it is about being compassionate and giving, it is about being respectful. 
How do our young ones grow into the sharing mode?
By our understanding of THEIR feelings and desires, our compassion, our giving, our being respectful of them. This includes beginning with complete ownership over something.
Take a moment and think about your teen years…say you had worked many hours to save up for the beautiful new sweater or dress that you finally bought and your sister demands wearing it prior to you (since you were saving it for that special date sometime in the future) and your parent insisted you “be kind and share, for heaven’s sake”–how might you feel?
I believe you’d feel resentful. You might share, but begrudgingly. It might make you mad. It might even leave you feeling guilty, for not feeling gracious and sharing willingly. And think about how it might influence your relationship with your sister–-probably in less than wonderful ways. This is what is what happens when we, out of our own desire to have our children ‘be nice’ and have what seems to be conflict go away, make our little ones share.
What to do, instead? Respect ownership. If a young toddler knows for sure their time with an item is fully respected, if that is the norm for them that they can be fully submerged in their exploration of whatever toy, then when they feel done it is a simple extension to letting the next toddler have it. All we have to do is respect their feelings, their time, their choice.
Scenarios for you:
“You want a turn with the stuffed kitty.” PAUSE and wait. “Timmy, Grace wants a turn with the kitty.” Wait and watch. “Oh, Grace. It looks like Timmy isn’t done with the kitty. Would you like to play with the truck or read a book while you wait for a turn?”
“It makes you mad that you can’t have the kitty right now. It’s hard to wait, isn’t it? Let’s go over here together and I can help you wait for your turn.”
“When you grab the book, it makes Sally mad. She wasn’t done with it.” PAUSE. “Sally, do you want to finish looking at the book or can Erik have it?” Wait quietly. “Looks like Sally wants to finish reading the book. Erik, can you hand it back or would you like me to help you?” PAUSE once again. “Here, I will help you give it back. I know, you really want a turn. Maybe we can read it together? Or maybe you and I can read THIS book until Sally is done.”
“Hmmm. I see two children who both want the puzzle.” PAUSE. “Wow, Mikey REALLY wants to use it and Sarah is already working with the pieces.” Wait. “Is there another puzzle in this room that we could find?” “Is there something else Mikey might want to play with–Sarah, could you find something for Mikey while he waits for you to be all done?” Or…”Here’s a piece for you to work with, Mikey. Sarah, are you going to put your piece in? Mikey, where does yours fit? Look how you can both work on the puzzle!”
And when sharing naturally occurs? When two little ones are both exploring one thing, or handing something over, or giving a piece of theirs to another? Then you get to let them know “You are sharing! Marie likes it when you share a piece of your snack.” What we focus on grows
Now what is learned–whether a conflict or natural sharing?
Respect. Understanding of feelings. Greater awareness of their own feelings and another’s. What to do when there is conflict.
All necessary for future sharing. The cool thing? As you PAUSE and observe before even jumping in, you may notice these little ones handle it just fine between them. Maybe when a toy is grabbed from another, the other doesn’t mind. Neither should we. They are learning. Maybe when a toy is grabbed it gets grabbed back. Wait. See how it plays out.
Intervention really is only necessary when big feelings take over or hitting/biting begins. Now it’s time to step in, describe what you see, affirm feelings, and PAUSE, always PAUSE through-out, giving your child the opportunity to process and respond. You may be surprised with what they decide to do.
Sharing begins with respect for feelings, ownership, unhurried time.
When a young child feels respected–when their time with something is honored–they naturally will ‘share’ with another. What does this require from us? PAUSING, always :-). Calming our anxiety over what seems like conflict, fighting, disagreements, unfairness. Calming ourselves down as we find ourselves with other parents who do it differently. I know what worked for me was to stay focused on the children involved rather than talk with the other parent. Or I would say, “Let’s see how our kids work it out, first.” Or we’d just chalk up a disintegrating situation to just that. A disintegrating situation. An opportunity to affirm feelings and get the heck out of there.
Relax today. Let your toddler and young preschooler finish what they are doing. Show them the respect you want to see in them as they grow. Trust the process–sharing evolves. Naturally, and often later. Honor the steps one at a time that will create the foundation for not only sharing, but positive and healthy relationships. There is no hurry.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Tumultuous Teen Turmoil
July 13, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Door slamming. Talking back. The Last Word Battle. Tears and screaming and I Hate Yous. Sometimes right in your face…
Respectful parenting and the teen years? I have to admit, I floundered. A lot. As my eldest went through the inevitable growth phases that felt VERY TUMULTUOUS, I became as reactive as she.
Not very pretty. Certainly not very respectful. And definitely not very productive.
What worked? Pausing.
Yes, you hear about this from me all the time--because it works. Almost magically, sometimes surprising, and always helpful. Always. I learned to create that space I needed to focus first on myself to calm down a bit–and sometimes that meant heading downstairs to unload on my husband (and maybe sending HIM up, first); or sometimes turning my back and heading into the kitchen to swipe at the counter–only a brief moment, but that’s all it took to give me the second I needed to breathe. The second to PAUSE. 
And what those moments REALLY allowed me to do was think about that future adult I was intending on sending off to college and into the world–and in not too many years–and what I “saw” was an amazing young woman, independent, active, smart, involved, creative, adventurous, responsible for herself, respectful of and kind to others. I also “saw” a way-cool future adult who WANTED to come back and spend time with me. To play games, cook and eat good food, go exploring, hang out and talk and talk and talk.
What a difference this made as I stepped back into the fray of all the door slamming, talking back, the battle for the last word. It meant when I stepped back in, I was better at listening. At saying, “Tell me more.” My daughter felt my calmer presence. She felt heard because I listened better. Not great, but better. I discovered a bit more ability to let go of trying to control everything and instead collaborate. My daughter was more likely willing to compromise.
We certainly both felt a bit more connected. And she definitely felt respected. For I had listened. And considered my response. She was then better able to accept my “No” (if it was still a no) with grumbles rather than door slamming. Now THAT felt much better! And all that door slamming, talking back, and battle for the last word? It dissipated…
Some ideas for YOU as you are caught up with a teen in a tumultuous stage include:
“I hear you. I need time to think about it and then I will get back to you.” And you DO get back to them. Respectful all the way around, for they feel your consideration of whatever their issue is–and that feels GOOD.
“Wow. This is really really upsetting you. Tell me more…” ‘Tell me more’ creates a PAUSE…and let’s your teen empty their bucket a bit more, creating a far more respectful space to listen.
“This homework is really stressing you out. Can you take a break from it right now?” Or maybe, “Is there something I can do to help?” or “What would help you get through all of it in time?”
“What do YOU need in order to feel better? Let me know if I can help…”
“You know, I really don’t like your tone of voice, it upsets me. I would be happy to listen to you when you can use a more respectful voice. Let me know…” Then you turn your attention elsewhere–maybe to do a bit of self-care because you are feeling upset.
“We are ALL too upset to sort this out. Let’s re-convene this afternoon and talk then…”
“Man. This really bothers you deep down, doesn’t it? It is really hard and I KNOW we can figure this out…” What a relief for a teen to hear, in the midst of turmoil, that YES, we can figure it out. Maybe we don’t know how, yet, but we will. What a comfort that can be.
Respectful ways to interact in the midst of Teen Turmoil. Now you are more likely to create (re) connection. A calm space. More likely talking together–maybe following the door slamming and angry words, but talking none-the-less. The PAUSE I encourage you to strengthen? It allows us to slow down and create this calmer space. And teens, more than ever, they need us to slow down, for now they can feel heard and respected. And when a teen feels heard and respected, it can be surprising the cooperation, compromise, positive dialogue that follows. Truly relationship-building. Truly respectful.
So no matter the age of your child, when you hit those bumpy, tumultuous, button-pushing, testing times–
PAUSE. Get calm and clear. Respond instead of react. Let go of knowing exactly what you might need to do or say and instead let PAUSE and the power of calm connection lead the way.
And remember, mistakes are opportunities for do-overs and authentic apologies. Growth is just that, growth. How else could we possibly get better and better without the practice of messing up?! PAUSE, first and foremost. Deposit into your Self-Care Account. Be clear on the qualities of that future adult you see in your minds-eye. Trust the process. And always, always look to where you notice all that IS working, going well or better, feeling right and good. Notice the bits and pieces of that way cool future adult showing up right now in your child. What we focus on grows.
If you liked this article, here’s another you might enjoy: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/24/our-response-matters/
Parenting respectfully through the years…
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam
What Baby Needs to Thrive in Age of Technology
July 9, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment
You are about to welcome in a new baby. Or maybe just have.
Congratulations!
Feeling confident and competent as a parent, deeply and wonderfully connected with your little one(s) is what we hope and strive for as we welcome children into our lives.
It can be daunting, thinking of the responsibilities we have as parents; it can be challenging as we go through periods of uncertainty and exhaustion; it can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your (and your baby’s) life. 
You’ve set yourself up with a growing understanding of feeding, bathing, diapering, sleeping, care-giving in general. Time to also consider how to set up the tech environment your baby will be raised in. A bit surprising to have to think of this and incredibly essential to do so for growing the healthy, loving, deeply connected relationship you intend; crucial for supporting your little one’s optimal brain growth; critical for healthy growth and development to excel.
What do babies need to thrive?
A tuned-in, responsive care-giver, answering their needs in a timely and respectful manner, being present and focused especially during care-giving moments—feeding, diapering, assisting sleep, bathing…
What do parents strive for?
Healthy and deeply connected relationships with their little ones; feeling confident and capable throughout their parenting journey; thriving children and families. Some things to think about:
• Consider relationships in your life that you relish. What helps you feel and nurture the deep connection that define these?
• What does connection look and feel like as you relate in-person with others you feel close to?
• When have you felt best about connecting meaningfully with another?
• Consider times you’ve felt truly confident and capable; what would it be like to feel this way as you parent your little one? How can being intentional with the environment you set up support you in this?
• In what ways has technology enhanced the most meaningful relationships in your life?
• In what ways has technology detracted from connecting meaningfully with another?
What do you need to know?
Being tech aware and intentional with your use, your baby’s use and exposure, you are more likely to foster the healthy and deeply connected relationships that can have your baby thriving. Key issues include:
• How screens impact your baby’s healthy brain development—what screen use can be healthy, what is not. FaceTime with a grandparent with you there, talking and interacting can be a wonderful way to nurture connected relationships; plunking your baby by themselves in front of a device 
counters this healthy development. It is in the first 3 years that our brains develop the most rapidly, and it is with hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship and whole-body based experiences that this occurs. Screens displace these experiences, impeding our baby’s brain development.
• Your awareness of and respect for baby’s rhythms and your ever-growing understanding of your little one’s communications are key for answering their needs; Your responsiveness to baby’s coos, cries, smiles, gurgles, and wiggles is the essential socialization and communication foundational for healthy physical and emotional development, as well as relationships. Your timely responsiveness is key for baby to feel settled and secure and able to grow well. Distraction by and overuse of our devices while with baby undermines this.
• Providing baby with devices to be entertained or distracted by undermines her ability to self-regulate and communicate her needs; displaces crucial social emotional time with her primary caregivers (you!); interrupts the development of a healthy brain; displaces the meaningful and responsive connection with and from you that is key for your baby to grow optimally.
There are important and at times seemingly little moments to pay attention to. They can be easily missed if we are distracted by our devices. Our ability to respond appropriately and timely is key. These little moments? They become the foundation for the warm and wonderful relationship you intend to build. They become the foundation for all future learning.
How can you create a healthy tech environment that supports and fosters healthy growth and relationships?
Consider your use of devices and how they step up to enhance or detract connecting meaningfully and accurately (in regards to understanding your baby’s expression of needs). Ideas:
- Put your phone down and perhaps out of sight and silenced as you feed, converse, diaper, bathe, or otherwise interact with your baby. Give them the gift of your full attention as much as you can.
- Turn off background noise from devices (certain kinds of music being the exception) to better support your little one’s ability to fully focus on and appropriately explore and engage their environment; to engage YOU.
- Be sure to, when needing to use a device, speak directly with your baby about what you will be doing and when they can expect your full attention once again. This communicates respect; and with your consistent follow through, you communicate trust–baby can count on what you say you mean and will do. Relationship-building.
Consider our knowledge that little to no screen time for our babies and toddlers is essential for their healthy development. Know that providing lots of free time to explore, stretch on a blanket on the floor, look at and touch objects (and you!)–all with your responsive self tuned in to when needs emerge–will support the growth of a little one able to self-regulate, feel secure and safe, able to play “on their own” for stretches of time. No need to distract with a screen. And now their brains are growing exponentially!
Consider background noise from devices and televisions—as a regular occurrence these distract and interrupt your little one’s ability to attend to their own explorations of their world; it can limit imagination and reflection time necessary for growing from the inside-out–key for self-regulating, problem solving, feeling capable and competent, for all learning! This includes those constant text pings even though your phone is tucked away.
Be intentional with how and when you use your devices so they no longer impede your baby’s development and your deepening bond with them. Be intentional with how you think forward through the early years—just what can be healthy use especially in regards to how children learn by hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences. 
Questions to ask yourself
What are some steps you will take today with your tech use to ensure your ability to deposit fully into your relationship with your little one?
What are some things you can do differently in your home as you consider a healthy tech environment for your little one?
How would it feel to know you are providing your child with all that they need to thrive?
Be tech intentional with your environment, your use, your baby’s exposure. Know that this can help you foster the development of a healthy brain, ready for all future learning and nurture a relationship you will cherish. Really! Now go enjoy welcoming in your new little one and feel confident you are providing her with all that she needs to thrive.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020 Alice Hanscam
To Rescue or not to Rescue…
July 6, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
What would YOU do if…
...your newly mobile baby was seemingly stuck under the chair she just rolled and maneuvered herself under–fussing a bit and looking at you with pleading and slightly tear-filled eyes–soon to ramp up out of sheer frustration?
…your 8-year-old came home from school in tears–devastated because he wasn’t invited to his friend’s birthday party? Or allowed to play the tag game on the playground? Or was told he couldn’t sit with his buddies at the lunch table? Ouch. Friends. They can be tough at times…
…your preschooler was struggling extra hard at building with Lego to the point of throwing
it or a tantrum or BEGGING you to “do it for MEEEEE”…or frustrated up the gazoo that their drawing just didn’t LOOK like the airplane they wanted and could YOU PLEASE draw it for them…? And if you don’t, then you’ll definitely have a full-blown melt-down to deal with?
...your teen was totally upset and a total mess about the totally UNFAIR grade she got on her project that she worked and worked and worked on–the teacher was so UNFAIR! AND it totally affects her final grade….
…your toddler keeps on hitting you when he doesn’t like you stopping him or saying no to him or changing his diaper or buckling him into his car seat…? Or maybe keeps on pulling all the stuff out of the cupboards that you keep telling him NO to or cleaning up and putting away to just have him dump it all again…and again…?
I’d venture to say you would step into the mode of taking charge and fixing whatever problem your child was caught up in…because, hey, that’s what we DO. We solve problems and we are really good at it. And it is our job, right?
Maybe you would…
…quickly move the chair and rescue your baby and, of course, comfort her.
…tell your 8-year-old how unkind THOSE friends are and “Let’s make new ones or that he can choose not to invite those friends to HIS birthday party or that’s okay, you and I will do something special that day or hey, I’ll join you at lunch and help you let your friends know you CAN sit with them…or I’ll talk to your teachers, so don’t worry…all will be good and you can stop feeling so devastated…”
…just draw the picture for your preschooler or sit down and build for them what they want with Lego--or at least direct them each step of the way. Better then having them freak out, right? Maybe they’ll even keep on drawing and building and you’ll get a bit more peace and quiet. Maybe.
…call or email or text your teen’s teacher and let the teacher know how hard your child worked and really, couldn’t that grade be a bit higher? Or ask what you could do for your child to get a better grade…or complain about how there really wasn’t enough time for your teen to do the job as well as she could and that’s unfair…
…try getting equally mad at your toddler or get a bit more hurried as you rush through very unpleasant diaper changes and car-seat buckling. Or maybe you’d punish them by plunking them in their crib and telling them they have to stop or they’ll have to stay put for a while. Or maybe you just end up slapping their hand (never do I recommend) or throwing up YOUR hands…ANYTHING to get them to stop. And keep the stuff in the cupboard. Talk about a power struggle…
You might. 
Because we like to solve the problems. It’s in our nature. Yet consider this–consider another layer as to why we solve these problems.
It makes US feel better.
Whew, our child is no longer so upset or sad. Relief! WE feel like a good parent when our child gets good grades. WE feel in control and in charge and (again) a good parent when our child behaves, listens, chooses “right” behavior. We are communicating, “I need YOU to behave so I can feel like I’m doing my job well…”
When we step in regularly to solve our child’s
problem we are often robbing them of an opportunity to grow their capable and competent selves a bit more.
What do they hear? “You need ME in order to manage your body, your feelings, to be a good student, well behaved, popular with friends, able to be happy…” “You need ME in order to be in control of your SELF.”
Probably not what any of us really intend. Because really, it just says, “I don’t think you are a capable, competent soul.”
Fast forward to sending them off into the world. If all along we’ve taken responsibility for solving all those little and then big things that seem to be problems, how will they know how to do it for themselves? How can they possibly feel capable and competent on their own if they’ve heard from us on a regular basis that they need US in order to be so?
Let’s tip the balance another way. Let’s recognize that YES there are times solving is essential. And YES, way more often we can…
PAUSE and consider how we can walk
alongside our child to help them take charge of themselves,
to feel competent and capable, to know they can work at solving their own problems and managing all their feelings.
Let’s get down next to our baby and acknowledge the STUCK and encourage them out. Then maybe nudge the chair a bit. Help them help themselves. Name how they are feeling. This is key. 
Let’s affirm our 8-year-old’s intensely hurt feelings and sit with them a bit or at length. Let’s ask them what they’d like to do. Let’s brainstorm with them if they need ideas. And then BE there. For that’s what they really need–company that feels safe and secure and comforting. Now they can better manage all the upset. And yes, it takes time.
Let’s acknowledge our preschooler’s frustration with their work. Let’s ask them if they’d like to take a break (and yes, maybe insist on it and help them do so)…or if they can start with finding the Lego that looks like wing material or maybe pull out paper and markers ourselves and start doodling next to them. Partner with them rather than take over…
Let’s listen carefully to our teen. Affirm their feelings. Acknowledge the hard work we saw them do. Ask them what they would like to say to their teacher–if anything. Or what they might want to do next time to change up the result…or they even WANT to do anything other than just unload on us. Be that safe, comfortable place for them to do so.
Let’s breathe in deeply with our toddler and show them what it is they CAN do. Name their feelings. Hit pillows not people. Help with diaper changes. Give them more things to be in charge of. Set up a cupboard just for them. Include them in cleaning up as well as join in on the dumping 🙂 Honor their feelings always. Stay matter-of-fact as we move through what we have to do…
Now you are tipping the balance toward growing capable,
competent, responsible children and future adults.
Ones who can understand and manage their OWN feelings and behavior. Ones that feel empowered to take charge of the hard. Ones that know we are a resource in whatever way they need us…and that we’ll always BE there. Safe. Comfortable. Available.
Problem solving. It’s a strength–especially when it is applied to ourselves and how WE can step through things with our children that helps them gain strength in the very same skill. Solving their own problems.
Today, take care of YOUR feelings. Calm yourself ahead of time. Affirm yourself as the good parent you already are and intend to be. You don’t NEED your child to be amazingly successful, popular, happy all the time in order to feel good and confident in yourself. Know this, from the inside out.
What a gift to your child, yourself, and all your relationships.
And what HARD work.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Lessons Learned From A Teen
July 1, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Lessons learned from a teenager’s perspective:
~ Sometimes I make fun of what you say—eye-rolls, for sure. It feels like you just don’t GET me or understand ANYTHING. It helps me the most when you just roll with it and get that little twinkle in your eye that makes me feel better, even when I’m annoying you like crazy. When you tell me I’m being disrespectful and have that twinkle in your eye? It makes me feel like trying again. 
~ Cleaning up the piles in my room are SO not on my to-do list. Just get over it, please! It’s my room. I mean, I get that it’s a mess… but it’s my mess and I do pick up my piles from the rest of the house for you (at least, occasionally, after rolling my eyes and huff- ing about it). I need you to let me have my room as my space to control—when you do, I learn a whole lot more about what I like and don’t like. It’ll help me be ready to take charge of my own place or dorm room once I leave home!
~ Do NOT nag me over my homework! The more you do, the less I’ll do and that really isn’t what either of us want. It just makes me feel like I have to do (or not do!) my homework for you, rather than me. Totally annoying. Maybe if I just let you know my plan for getting things done you can give me the respect of trusting that I will? Or letting me take the fall for not getting it done? Remember, my grade really isn’t a reflection of you. It belongs entirely to me.
~ I’ll blame you for many things! Just don’t take it personally. Actually, though, there are times I need to blame you so my friends don’t realize it really is me who doesn’t want to do what they want to do. When I can blame you I feel like you are standing with me, helping me stay strong.
~ Just let me VENT and please don’t share your wisdom! Really. Your best response to all my unloading is to stay quiet. At least for a bit. I need to unload and I’ll probably just roll my eyes at you if you actually try to give me advice. Knowing I can unload on you means so much to me. And I’ll probably actually listen to your words of wisdom once I’ve calmed down. Just wait for me to finish first.
~ Your anxiety over all I do is going to be stirred up a TON—from me going on adventures that seem scary to you, to waltzing out of our house dressed in THAT outfit, to hanging with the friends who make choices you’d never feel good about. What I need the most is your calm self, connecting with me by appreciating my courage, or artistic self, or sense of adventure. Then maybe I’ll listen a bit more to YOUR concerns…and it may just influence me to choose otherwise.
~ It’s such a blast having my friends over and you playing a favorite board game with us! (Just don’t embarrass me, okay? Be chill.) They like to hang at our house because you and dad obviously enjoy their company, too. But be sure to leave us alone part of the time—you are my parents, not my friend.
~ Hang on for the emotional roller-coaster ride I’ll take you on! Some days I am down and grumpy and my world is falling apart; other days you can hardly contain my energy and excitement. It helps me the most when you stay steady no matter how I’m feel- ing. I may still stomp off on those bad days or talk non-stop right on over whatever you are trying to tell me, but with you steady and calm, I feel like I can handle all my feelings so much better.
~ I DO find it scary to think I’m turning 18 and will be leaving soon. It’s exciting, too! I hope you can help me focus on how ready I am and let me make the decisions that feel right to me. It’s gotta be tough on you, too, because you’ll miss me and I know you worry about me. What helps me the most is when you let me figure things out…and then if I need you, I will ask. You’ll be there, right? Just knowing you are there for me helps me not have to ask for help so quickly. I feel ready to fly…
Teens! A tumultuous and terrific time. Let them fly!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Teaching Your Child to Read
June 15, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment
I had a grandparent, who is homeschooling their grandchild, ask me recently,“How do you teach a 5-year-old how to read? We read to our child a lot, which she enjoys. Do we use flash cards? Sight words? We are currently trying to get her to sound words out.”
I appreciate that this grandfather reached out. Reading is essential for learning all through life. Academically we’ve pushed down the “achievement” of reading to ages developmentally unready for this accomplishment. Here’s what I wrote to this grandparent:
I’m glad you’ve asked this question! I think your granddaughter is blessed to have grandparents so intimately involved in her life, helping her grow and learn. And your awareness of how crucial reading is and desire to be sure she IS a reader are equally blessings for her.
Reading is a developmental process and something that has not changed despite the efforts of society pushing academics down to younger ages. The fact is that age 8 is when reading typically “comes together” for a child. 3rd grade! This, of course, means at age 8 children are able to read, comprehend what they read, are able to express what they read. The whole package. And hopefully LOVE to read. This is key!
I love that you read to your granddaughter and that she enjoys it! This is the BEST thing you can be doing–sharing and enjoying books builds the love of reading which fuels her learning to read. And there is so much more you can do to build a foundation for a successful reader… 
I encourage you to immerse her in literacy–meaning lots and lots of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences around all things books, words, letters, sounds. What does this look like?
Ideas for you:
- Have plenty of picture (and appropriate chapter) books available to her at all times.
- Be sure to role-model reading, yourself! And talk about stories; tell stories out loud.
- Make sure she has a library card and uses it–and this may be creatively done, now with Covid-19, perhaps via playing library in your own home! Together make her a Grandparent House Library Card, and have fun creating a space in your house with a selection of books and have her practice checking them out, being responsible for them, returning them. PLAY. This is key.
- Have lots of writing material available for her to freely engage in. We liked to have paper of different sizes and colors, pens, pencils, markers, ink stamps, etc always available. We had fun creating a shoebox mailbox and envelopes to “exchange letters”–which always encourages them to write and tell stories! Sometimes via pictures and this is just as important as words. Asking her to tell you about her drawing is wonderful, and then encouraging her to put a caption under it is certainly okay–“Would you like to write what it is under the picture so daddy can read it when he comes?” Letting go of whether she wants to or not is equally important.
- Worry less about making letters or spelling words “right.” Inventive writing is the name of the game–all about her figuring out the sounds SHE hears and translating it to paper–it is amazing what they come up with! Let her freely write write write with little to no parameters. Inside-out learning! Now her thoughts can flow without the roadblock of writing things “right.”
- Engage her in cooking at the counter and together “read” labels, ingredients, recipes. “Look! Here it tells us how many eggs. I see a T…what’s the next letter look like to you? W! yes! Oh…and then there is a (you pause…she studies…) O! T-W-O…I wonder what THAT says…” Then you show her one finger, two fingers…and pretty soon she “knows” TWO! You can do this all through your day–“I see a sign with an S! Do you?” “Can you find something that starts with a BBBBB–B?” “Going on a letter hunt….” Basically–all these letters and sounds–the more they are encased in play, the more your child will learn from the inside out. Make sense? FUN! And delicious, as you cook together 🙂
- Limit all things screens–this I cannot reiterate enough.
- Encourage her to write letters to others and mail them. She may want to draw only a picture, AND she can always sign her name. Practice practice from a fun angle. No pressure–“Are you going to sign with ALL your letters or just some?”
- Sing songs. Really! Singing is a form of story telling that delights all.
- NO need for flash cards–not in terms of intentionally “teaching her.” Instead, just have them available for play. Maybe play matching games with her–have two decks and take 10 or so of same letters and play concentration (you know, flip them over so letters can’t be seen then each of you take turns turning over two to see if they match…?) Or play a game of choosing one letter, placing it on the floor and then running all over the house finding things that have that letter in their name! No need to “correct” her when she says the ball she found to put next to the letter T has a T in it. Just go with it for now. Make it a game of listening to sounds together.
- Sight words–again, that’s all about what is naturally around the house and when you are out and about. Recognizing a stop sign, exit sign, her name. Naturally memorizing a book and then reading it back to you on her own–she may not know each word, AND when kids can tell you the story through memory, this is an important building block for reading.
- Make books! Kids her age often LOVE to fold construction paper, fill with blank pages inside and (perhaps with a chosen theme? Like the letter B?) draw, write, create a story. Sometimes we put the books together and then just had them out and available to fill. Sometimes they liked to create their own–mixing up sizes of paper and kinds of paper has a way of triggering even more creativity! Teeny books, big books, rectangle books, circle books… 🙂
When reading becomes a chore, kids grow to dislike reading. My husband, an elementary teacher for over 30 years, has seen many kids come to his third grade class resisting all things reading because it had been “forced” or pushed early on–too early, too hard.
Every child has their own timeline for reading. My youngest put it all together at age 9–prior to that she’d come to a screeching halt when she didn’t know a word. Would NOT go beyond it. She was a perfectionist and it “got in her way.” So what did we do? We read more and more, helped her “over” those unknown words, and then she fell in love with these super silly animal books at age 9 and PRESTO, she no longer worried about words she didn’t know. She is now working on her doctorate in Chemistry and reading books and articles that sound like a foreign language to me.
My eldest daughter’s deal was stubborness and control–because her mom (me!) was trying to “get” her to read (age 6 and 7). I had to back off. So at age 7 as I read to her every day we made a deal–she reads the first sentence of each chapter, I read the rest. I totally let go of trying to “get her” to read any more than that…and PRESTO! She relaxed, trusted I’d keep the deal, and soon she was so lost in books we STILL can’t get her “out” of one!!!! Ha. Hence the 12 banker-sized boxes of academic and pleasure books stacked in our garage awaiting her first home and the book-cases she intends to fill. Reading is a passion of hers, as is learning.
I hope this helps and I hope it inspires you as you look to creative ways to immerse your granddaughter in all things literacy through a play-based lens. I know schools are saying “read by 5!” This frustrates many–kids, parents, teachers alike–since it adds pressure that then displaces or removes just what kids need the most. To love reading!
I encourage you to TRUST the developmental process as you enrich your granddaughter’s environment through a literacy and play lens.”
Have fun!
The Simple Pleasures…
April 23, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…
…the two young babies sitting on their individual parent’s laps at a public play place…and watching them catch each other’s eye and SPARKLE at each other! Their smiles and full body wiggles and total delight in discovering each other was a joy to see. Watching the two parents notice and appreciate how their young babies interacted was equally delighted in
…the Papa who “flew” his 5-month-old chasing his 4-year-old around this play place. What was noticed was the baby’s obvious joy in all things CHASE (especially after a favorite and familiar sibling…). What was appreciated was how the Papa “flew” gently, checking in with baby regularly to be sure this game was as delighted by him as it was his 4-year-old brother!
…the group of 7-9-year-olds at a campground–roaring around on their bikes, calling out to each other, “watch me watch me!” as they did wheelies over mounds of dirt and skidded around their feet as they braked…their presence to each other, their energy, their loudly contested “NO, it was only your FRONT wheel that got air!” or “Uh uh! BOTH my wheels got air!”...all enjoyed by me as I appreciated the outdoor time and freedom to just be 7, 8, and 9-years-old
…the same group of kids gathered at the end of the dock early one morning, fishing poles in hand, jostling each other, watching intently over the edge, sharing “fish” stories that seemed to get bigger and grander with each telling… 
…the 8-year-old girl totally immersed in playing in a bit of sand…all by herself…digging, piling, now and again glancing up to see what other kids were doing…then back to her sand creations. Immersed, lost in her play, no one telling her what or how to do anything.
I so enjoyed and appreciated the time and space all of these children had to just be KIDS.
To play, explore, get lost in thought, delight in each other. To be self-directed and imaginative. No adults obviously in the mix. Around, yes. Aware, yes. But totally out of the way…
...giving way for just what kids need lots of–free, non-adult-directed PLAY. Even the infants were given the opportunity to respectfully and with great joy experience one another.
THIS is relationship building.
Lovely. Here’s to all of you perhaps caught up in the craziness of daily life–pause for a moment and take a look around. Notice what you can appreciate right now. And notice how it feels to do so!
If you enjoy “Noticed and Appreciated” stories, here’s another for you: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/07/noticed-and-appreciated-so-much-learning/
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Let’s Talk Potty Training
April 12, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Let’s talk potty training.
I’ve heard a lot of angst over parents’ struggles with “training their child to use the potty.” Real concern over the increasing amount of treats and screen time rewards and none of it working–or at least, not for long. I’ve heard “I hate this stage!” “I’m going crazy!” “We never leave the house anymore–I’m afraid of all the accidents…”
I’ve never liked that word, “training.” I think it is totally mis-used and mis-leading for it puts the focus on us rather than our child. It leads us to thinking WE have to train our children to potty. When we head that direction, it becomes a mission to figure out how to make our little ones know when they need to use the potty, to actually pee or poop in the potty, and to stay dry in their “big girl or boy pants.” And really, what do we have control over? Certainly not the inner workings of our child’s body…OR their thoughts or feelings regarding it all.
I could spend time telling you my stories with my little girls–and yes, I tried hard initially to “make them use the potty.” Good intentions, of course, but as soon as I was in the mix like that, pottying became a real struggle. Not what I wanted.
I learned, over time, to step back. I learned to immerse them in all things “pottying”, talk about it matter-of-factly, and communicate my confidence in their ability to manage themselves…
Easier said than done, of course 🙂 
Here’s what I encourage for parents in the midst of what can become a struggle or for those considering just how to “train” their little one…
Immerse them in Potty Culture–create an environment that is all about pottying from watching you use the toilet, to helping flush, to washing hands, to playing with a potty chair, to reading lots of books about using the toilet, to talking about it all through the day when appropriate. And probably when it isn’t appropriate, as well…funny how those dinner times can include potty talk when you have a toddler or preschooler in the house!
Describe what you see them doing as they retreat to a corner to poop in their diaper, “I can see you feel ready to poop. Let me know when you are all done and I can help get you changed.” Now they are learning a bit more about how their body feels and have the ability to be in charge of themselves. Essential for all healthy growth.
Offer them choices–“Do you want to flush my pee down the toilet all by yourself?” “Do you want to pee in your diaper or in the potty?” “Do you need to use the toilet before we head out?” “Do you want to wear a diaper or undies this morning?” Choice (and us respecting their choice) is key for growing capable, competent, confident children who know what they are and are not responsible for.
Make no big deal about whatever they choose–the greater the fanfare, the more they might do something…and the flip side is they now have a way to really push our button as they decide to do the opposite–because fanfare puts their attention on US. Keep fanfare to a very minimum by just describing what they do–“You chose to pee in the potty! Are you ready to flush it down the toilet?” “Thank you for letting me know you are done pooping. I can help you get changed.” “You chose undies today and you used the toilet every single time you needed to pee. Look–your undies are all dry! I bet that feels good on your body.”
Minimize or keep rewards out of the picture…if you decide to include them, make it (again) a matter-of-fact deal and hopefully not food or treat oriented. “When you use the potty, we can read your favorite book together.” “When you are done on the potty, you’ll be ready to head outside and swing high in the sky!” Now using the potty is way less about a reward and way more about the next step to their day…as is (if they choose to not use the potty) our ability to easily and matter-of-factly say, “We can save your favorite book for when you are ready to use the potty!” No battle, Just a clear statement of what they can expect coming from a parent relaxed about whatever decision they make.
Be calm, matter-of-fact, respectful. Trust the process and your child’s timeline. If you feel pressure, they’ll feel pressure–and I’m sure you already know what happens then. So take care of yourself. They WILL head off to college without diapers…!
Know that, as you calm yourself, you communicate your confidence in their ability to manage themselves.
As you relax and focus on a rich Potty Environment rather than focusing on making them use the potty you are giving them the chance to focus on themselves and feel in control and in charge of themselves. Just what we really do want more of–kids who take responsibility for themselves, kids who are tuned into their own bodies and feelings and can manage both.
There is much more that can be shared…especially as parents are in the midst of a struggle about pottying. Looking to where your child is successful, where they do manage themselves, what parts of the pottying process they do engage the most in (maybe just tearing TP up and dropping it in the toilet or delighting in the FLUSH!)–looking to these parts that are working can encourage you, as well. And them! For now our attention is on what we want more of, rather than getting lost on the trails of “they’ll never be out of diapers…”
Okay. My thoughts for now. I look forward to comments and questions and stories of what worked for you! And if you’d like more of my work, know that you can find a collection to inspire you in my newest book, “Parenting Through Relationship.” Find that right here.
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Talking About Covid-19 With Children
March 16, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships Comment
Because talking to our kids about Covid-19 is necessary as well as concerning, I’m sharing here a bit about different ages and the kinds of things I believe they are ready to hear…being open and honest about how life has changed for now is important, as well as being respectful of the developmental level of our child.
First, we need to calm ourselves down—how we feel directly impacts our children. It is okay to tell a child of any age that you are feeling worried about illness AND are making choices to be sure your family is healthy. They need to hear that they will be okay. So be sure to take care of YOU in any way you can 
. Need help with that? Ask me. I’ve got lots of self-care ideas for you. 
Babies and Toddlers? Little to nothing about the virus for these guys! It is more important to keep routines in place as much as possible—from sleep to meals to play. This helps them feel safe despite all the changes around them. A toddler can hear and practice that we wash our hands and catch our coughs in our elbows—all to be healthy and strong. Telling them, “We are playing at home for now. Daycare is closed and will open again when they are ready” is enough. Toddlers go with OUR flow—so role modeling healthy practices and being light-hearted about things keeps them doing and being the same.
Preschoolers? They need to hear from you that, yes, there’s lots of people getting sick AND we are working hard at being healthy. School closed until everyone feels better; we stay home while our office is cleaned; we will call and write Grammie instead of visit her. We want to keep our germs to ourselves! Showing them healthy practices and making it fun can turn this into a positive experience. Think washing hands in a sink full of bubbles! Remember, play is important for them to process feelings, so bring out that toy doctor kit and play away!
Elementary kids? They need to know that YES there is a new-to-us virus and we need time to build up our immunities, something our bodies do quite well at. Closing schools and other facilities helps keep us from all getting the virus at the same time which helps our doctors be able to take care of us if we need help.
Older elementary kids are ready to know more—what pandemic means, what scientists and doctors are doing, how restrictions can help all of us as tough as they are. Brainstorming with the elementary age group for how to have fun while also living the healthy practices being asked of us can bring children and parents together in positive ways.
Teens? They are ready for more info. However, it is important for limiting constant exposure to news for them (and us!!). Hearing the concerns and panic over and over again will only feed more of it. What we focus on grows, so lets be sure to focus on solutions and health. Ask them questions such as, “What have you heard today?” “What’s worrying you about today’s news?” And listen. Welcome their worry, express yours, and share what you are grateful for and appreciating within all this chaos.
Sharing in age-appropriate ways both the challenge AND the positive action being taken, a child can feel calmer and more in control. By showing our children what they can do, including them in on ideas for the family, and stop talking constantly about sickness keeps everyone’s focus on health and positive, productive actions. This is essential.
Keeping routines in place as much as possible for the younger ages helps them feel safe and therefore calmer despite the daily challenges this is bringing. It will help you, as well, for predictability is calming…:-). Go read those usual 4 books before nap, have a regular snack after nap time, keep blankies and special stuffed guys close. It makes a positive and reassuring difference.
Preserving plenty of time for play is key—it is through play our children process feelings. Bring out the toy doctor kit, have sick stuffed animals all lined up to get medicine, tell and make-up stories or read books about being healthy, being sick, feeling upset. And if there isn’t interest in these things, respect that. Your children will let you know how much they can take in about all that is going on, trust this.
Most importantly, choose to take care of your worries and as you share with your kids, know that less is often better. Let them ask for more information—pay attention to how much they can take in at one time, pay attention to how they react. Balance what and how much you talk about this by how your child responds.
You’ve got this! Our children (and all of YOU) are resilient souls and this chaos brings us the opportunity to simplify, bring family closer, get creative, and actively love each other through it all.
Thinking of all of you,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam
So Many Ways To Play!
March 14, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment
And remember…take time for YOU, in little bits if that’s all you can do. Breathe deeply. Enjoy your favorite hot drink. Stand extra long in a hot shower. Pause and just watch as your child is engrossed in play.
Important Moments in the Day of a Baby
February 29, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Important moments in the day of a baby…
Diaper changes! Oh so many. The time we take to talk, sing, engage them in the process is so respectful–slow down and use this time to connect meaningfully with your little one. So much learning can occur with our respectful, gentle, engaged presence at the changing table. And when you have a crawler or roller on your hands who cannot stay still for even a second? Humor. Lightheartedness. Patience. Creative songs and fun things to look at. And maybe some naked time. And maybe even a bit of a wrestling match followed by, “See? We are all done! Thank you for getting your diaper on. Now we can…”
Nourishment…nursing, bottles, table food. Time for snuggles, full presence, gentle touching and language rich exchanges. And joy! Talking them through the new textures, the full tummy sensations, the burps, the variety of foods they try–language language language, ever so important.
Meal time becomes together time. And then they learn to throw, squish, poke, spit, feed the dog awaiting at the base of their high-chair. Know that this is still a valuable learning experience all about food and independence and in-charge-of-ME time. Patience! Extra wash cloths required. Sometimes extraction from high chair necessary. And eating/drinking being “all done…” Cup goes up to the counter and dog gets put outside…or allowed, like ours was, to take care of the mess left behind…
Transitions to sleep–a time to feel heard–“I’m tired! Help me settle. A time to be shown care and love and respect as they learn to shut out all the stimuli and drift off. A time to feel safe and secure and close to you, their needs fully met. A time for an understanding (and probably equally exhausted) parent tuned in to whether the cries they hear are needing immediate attention or a time to pause…listen for natural settling…and peek through a cracked door just to make sure all is well…a time to let your little one know they CAN let sleep come…
Floor time–to move freely, stretch, reach, roll, grasp, explore and examine. A time to grow their self-directed, choice driven nature. A time for us to respect by letting them explore safely, communicating our confidence in their ability to engage them selves in play. A time for us to be quietly present, able to respond and converse when our little one is ready. No need for lots of toys–babies learn best by exploring a simple environment.
Singing and conversation and dancing and reading and the outdoors. Those wonderful moments you spend fully engaged in give and take with your little one. Whether for only a moment (“You see the chickadee!”), or at length (book after book after book!), when you are tuned in to your baby’s joy and curiosity growth can be exponential.
Little moments in the life of a baby. Your full and respectful
presence at these times provides your little one with
the experiences needed to grow well.
No need to create moments–they can happen all day long through the care-giving that defines a baby’s day, through your awareness of their rhythm, through simple, slower, gentler exchanges. Patience, resilience, a light sense of humor (and a good nights sleep) can help us embrace these little moments fully.
The little moments. They are the foundation.
Another article about all things BABY you can find here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/04/to-cry-or-not-to-cry/
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Wiggles and Giggles!
February 21, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…
The father and three children (ages 4 to 8) in a local ice-cream shop totally engaged with each other playing Rock, Paper, Scissors…
The giggles, the glee, the twinkles in the dad’s eyes as yet again he somehow got swallowed up by paper, cut by scissors, pounded by rocks. Another hand game followed–unfamiliar to me–that had the kids negotiating with each other, the dad learning, the entire family focused on each other. The climbing on laps, the up and down and back and forth, the JOY. Truly a delight and what wonderful deposits into all their relationships. 
Dad communicated fully “You matter to me.”
And the children glowed.
The family of four in a local restaurant, a young teen and toddler. No technology on the table…
…including cell phones, tablets, you name it. Just the four of them talking, sharing food, laughing. The interactions with the toddler were a delight to watch–his teen-aged sister included him in conversation, eyes big and wide, smiling and engaging him, taking his 2-year-old input quite seriously. Mom obviously found real joy in watching two-year-old antics, listening to teen ideas and concerns…and dad? He planted himself next to his toddler absorbing all the goings on calmly and peacefully. They left the restaurant hand in hand. Lovely to see, heartwarming to watch.
The grandfather who lit up as he shared about raising his 6-year-old grand-daughter…
Despite the reasons being rather unhappy, he has embraced this as the gift and opportunity it is. I delighted in his sharing of how meaningful this is, how his patience has grown in extraordinary ways, of how deeply connected he feels. He talked about how he and his wife, once a bit at odds with parenting, feel quite the team. The LIGHT in his face and eyes, the bounce in his step as he talked about his grand-daughter’s antics, her absorption in books, the adventures they go on…all of it left me feeling what a blessed little girl to have landed in such a loving, joyful, secure, connected family. And what a gift to grand-dad, for this has brought real meaning and joy into his life–and he, and his granddaughter are thriving.
Put your attention to what you can appreciate,
to greeting everything as an opportunity, to simply
connecting with those you are with.
Notice the joy that fills you.
Look around today, find the moments that put a smile on your face, appreciate the wiggles and giggles of certain ages, the resilience and patience of a parent (or grandparent!) in the midst of chaos. Simply notice.
And then pay attention to how you feel as a result…and how this benefits those around you. I think you may like what you discover–your children certainly will. Intentionally make it an appreciative, joyful day…week…hour.
Enjoy wiggle stories? Here’s another: A Story of Boys and Their Wiggles
With appreciation for all of you,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Tumultuous Growth
February 20, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment
You know how our children go through stages–periodically nice and calm and everything feels good–WE feel good and we actually feel like good parents because things seem to flow rather easily?
And then tumultuous times hit.
Things start getting more chaotic, our kids start to act up and test and be all out of sorts. We begin to tear our hair out, wondering “What happened to my child???” or maybe we are putting ourselves down, “I’m a terrible parent…I can’t do anything right.” Stress climbs, the days feel extra long and hard and confusing…
And then new growth emerges. All of a sudden our child is taller, able to crawl, suddenly puts all those words together and reads, has increased language skills, can actually DO those cartwheels and handstands, suddenly “gets” math, is sleeping through the night…
And life calms down once again. 
Round and round we go through childhood working hard at keeping it together during the tumultuous times, relishing the smoother times. If you are like me, those smoother times often slipped by unnoticed initially–it almost took another round of tumultuous times for me to recognize (and relish rather belatedly) how things actually HAD calmed down.
Growth! Every single tumultuous time is all about growth.
New growth causes anxiety, discomfort, confusion–for us and for our children. What is important is to recognize how it feels to welcome these tumultuous times as the opportunity for growth and learning they are–rather than a problem to fix, something to “get through”, to make go away. And to notice, as you step into it looking for the opportunities for growth, what you do and think and feel differently. I know for me it had me more curious, looking to what might emerge as a result–keeping me focused on the possibilities rather than the problem–being more relaxed and accepting. It was still hard, but it became a positive and affirming hard.
Something I was unaware of during my children’s childhood was how adults go through the same cycles.
We get into the flow, things feel easy, we are energized and creative and productively contributing–we feel GOOD. And then, due to whatever change or event or challenge, we don’t. We get uncomfortable, uncertain, doubting ourselves, wondering what our purpose is, feeling at a loss. We can find ourselves grieving–sometimes without even knowing why. Often we get so lost in the chaos of parenting that it takes years for us to recognize our own cycles–our own quest for growth.
That is where I am right now. In the tumultuous part of my own growth cycle. As I reflect on how children do this naturally and without self-judgement, and how incredible growth always emerges as a result, I find myself becoming more relaxed, curious, looking to what gifts are going to emerge as I sit in a rather uncomfortable and confusing place. I’m unsure of what is going to unfold in front of me, I’m working hard at staying fully present, at trusting the Universe, at depositing into my self-care account. I am working hard at walking the talk that I always share with each of you–pausing, calming, gaining clarity–and letting go and trusting. Key players for parenting and living well .
I want to share this because I know many of you are experiencing the natural life transitions that occur and perhaps are working hard at making yourself feel better, do better, be what you “used” to be or figure out what you want or need or feel you should be. And I want to let you know it is okay. Reflect on how children move through their growth cycles and allow yourself to do the same–accepting, allowing, letting a PAUSE lead the way.
Allow your feelings to be without trying to make them go away or change. Just like we do for our children–give them the space to feel their feelings without judgment. Do the same for yourself. What great role modeling for your children…
Affirm yourself and keep your attention on what is feeling okay, better, calmer, whatever. Just like with our children, what we focus on grows, so focus on how you intend to feel and be.
Take care of yourself–do little things, just for you. Do big things if you can. As we do with our children when they are upset, confused, out of sorts, be gentle with yourself. Create that “safe place” to feel and be and notice what is different as a result. Simplify where you can. Just as we do with our children.
We get so caught up with trying to make the tumultuous times with our children and ourselves “go away” that we lose sight of the purpose of these times–the important growth that they are all about. Today, take some time to switch up how you look at the chaos in front of you–yours or your child’s. Consider what you might do or say or feel differently if you could welcome the chaos for the growth opportunity it is. Truly welcome. Open the door, open your arms wide, and welcome the tumultuous time in. Give it a place of honor. Act-as-if whenever necessary…
And then let curiosity step up as you look to what gifts it brings…what growth is trying to emerge. Notice what is different as a result. And if it is still hard, confusing, feeling out of sorts? That is okay–just think, the growth trying to emerge? It is a beauty. And it takes the respect of time.
Here’s to welcoming new growth!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2015 Alice Hanscam
PICK ME UP NOW!
January 25, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment
Story time! A story of the power of calm connection for you.
I watched a mom come into a preschool the other day–her son was crying and yelling and twisting around, reaching up for her, obviously wanting to be picked up.
Mom, quite calmly and composed (she felt comfortable in this welcoming public place of preschool), stopped, looked down at her over-the-top screaming son and said, “You are having a really hard time. I see that. I’m here and when you can use calmer words, I can pick you up.”
The screaming got louder, the physical insistence to PICK ME UP NOW quite clear. Words, no such thing. As a matter of fact, I doubt he was capable of using words right then, though I appreciated the mom’s efforts.
As Teacher neared, mom moved a bit away, intentionally creating a pause for herself, looking at some of the lovely pictures on the wall. I’m certain her “when you can use your words” was also helping create the pause she needed to be the calm presence her son needed. Son was a basket case, melted on the floor, screaming. Teacher kneels down and talks softly to the young boy–to no avail. Mom bends down once again and gently repeats, “You are really upset. When you can use your calmer words, I can pick you up.”
This, unfortunately, pushed his button further and he escalated. Somehow they managed to move, slowly and with son wrapped around mom’s leg (and mom comfortably okay with this) into the room where cool things were available to play.
This time mom knelt down next to her son, touched him gently, and waited quietly with him.
Just kept him company in all of his big feelings. He leaned into her (for really, what he really wanted was HER), content to be snuggled next to her. Mom stayed true to her word at not picking him up, and gave him exactly what he needed to move through this upset–her calm and connected self.
And he DID calm down. Soon he began watching the other kids. Mom didn’t move. Then they began talking with each other about what was out to play with. Mom still didn’t move. She waited until her son made HIS move to go explore cool things.
Calm connection. It spoke volumes.
As did her promise of picking him up when he could use his words. She gave her son her confidence in his ability to manage his big feelings. And she gave him her company–quiet, safe, available.
This is the power of calm connection, for it makes what could be truly a disaster into a relationship building experience. It allows for feelings to be sorted through. It gives the company where company is needed. It doesn’t take ownership over the other’s upset, it just gives it the space of grace necessary for moving through it well. Or well enough And it is often hard to do.
I think this mom felt it get hard, because even though she was calm and consistent with what her son could expect (using words…), he was hearing none of it. I think it is at this point we PAUSE to consider just what we are trying to do–and if it is to get them to comply, to finally LISTEN and do as we say, then we need to PAUSE again. And consider just what they need, rather than what we want.
Let go a bit of our trying to control and step in and discover just what “calm connection” and feeling “in control” can look like without compliance.
Because that is where the real growth is. And this mom did just this, after the ***hard*** of realizing not picking him up was just escalating things more. I so appreciated how she found a way to create the connection he needed the most AND stay true to her word. Kneeling down and touching her son. Gently. Taking her time. And it worked.
She wasn’t “in control” of her son–HE was gaining control of himself. Now that’s real growth.
A story for you. Maybe it resonates. Maybe you have other ways to move through these moments that feel good to you and you can share here. Just know that it is with a PAUSE in place and calm connection leading the way that the greatest gifts emerge. In time. And with hard work.
Make it great today,
Alice
Critical Needs of Young Children
January 18, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships Comment
Tell me, I’d like to know. 
How much time in nature does your child get each day? Or–what works to bring nature to your child if outdoors is limited?
How much movement is part of your child’s day? Movement via play, walking, running, climbing, plopping, dancing, rolling, stretching, etc…?
What does connection look like to you and your child? Do you and your little one enjoy time together reading, singing, dancing, playing, talking, l
aughing, or even just sitting together gazing out the window?
How about touch. Is there lots of warm and respectful touching…hugs, hand holding, back rubbing, rocking, lap time, leaning against each other, heads together, a light touch as you pass by, in your arms…?
I ask because these are four CRITICAL parts to a young child’s development. Move, Touch, Connect, Nature.
With plenty of all four, they can continue on a healthy path of development. They can feel and live the essential attachment and bonding. They can feel secure, calm, strong and coordinated.
They can do the hard and important work, as they grow, of lengthy focusing, of managing their feelings and bodies, of problem solving, of navigating social demands appropriately–negotiating, friendships, feelings…of attending and learning fully, of growing their independent selves just as they need to.
With plenty of all four they have a STRONG and SOLID foundation.
So tell me. What is working in your family to be sure each one of these makes up the majority of your child’s day? And what are YOUR plans this week to deposit soundly into your child’s essential foundation in life?
You may enjoy reading these for ideas and encouragement:
Important Moments in the Day of a Baby
Quick Tips for the BIG-Feelings and Out-of-Bounds Preschooler!
November 3, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Preschoolers! Ever so fun and difficult. Awhile back I created hand-outs for a local preschool covering a number of issues–enjoy the one I share here with you!
What do ‘big feelings’ and out-of-bounds behavior look like?
• Too silly, raging mad, end of the world tears, bursting with happy
• “You’re a poopy head!” “I’m going to hit you a million thousand times!” “I hate you!”
• Perpetual motion, bouncing off the walls, never hold still, everything done in a BIG way
Why is my child so out of control?
• New and grander stage of independence in the works
• Very few ways to express self, so explosiveness and expansiveness are the norm
• Working hard at learning more about who they are as individuals
What can I do?
• Understand this growth phase is a process that takes time
• Acknowledge and name the feeling: “You are mad that we have to leave. It’s hard for me to leave my friends, too.” “Oh, it’s frustrating when the zipper just won’t behave!” “I can see how sad you feel about not having a turn.”
• Show appropriate ways to express: What they can do with their feelings/behavior—“I can see you want to be loud! Inside libraries are for quiet voices. Let’s go outside where you can be as loud as you’d like.” “You can run fast! Let’s go find a good place for you to run fast.” “You feel mad. Hitting me hurts—we use gentle touches.”
• Give choices and honor them by following through consistently with the result of their choice
When you view big feelings as an opportunity to grow rather than a problem to fix, what might you do differently?
Thoughts to consider to keep sanity in place…
• When are you most comfortable with your child’s big feelings? How can you bring that to other times?
• When is it easiest for you to remain calm and consistent when your child is “out of control”?
• In what ways does your behavior affect your child’s?
• How can PAUSE help grow your ability to be calm and guide your child? What works for you to pause?
• PAUSE, find a place of calm, and then respond based on what you want the most—a child who manages him/herself well
What message is received when you calmly guide your child through their big feelings and out of bounds behavior? 
• They feel heard and affirmed
• You have confidence in their growing ability to manage themselves
• They are capable, competent kids able to learn well
• You can be trusted–they can count on you to keep it together when they cannot
• They feel safe and secure as they experience the upset of big feelings/out of bounds behavior
What will help you PAUSE, and calmly and consistently follow through today?
Lots of help for you to be found in more of my work–all three of my books can be one resource. A few articles that can help include:
Preschoolers! Hang on for the ride
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2013 Alice Hanscam
Quick! Your child’s starting to lose it!
November 2, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment
Your child is beginning to freak out. Losing it…loudly. Ramping it up to a full blown tantrum. Resistance, push-back, tension… Quick! Offer them their favorite television show or app on your phone or game on their digital device.
Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…
Okay. So your child is now calm. You are calm. But consider this–the message you’ve just given (especially if this is a go-to solution for you on a regular basis…) is “you need this distraction in order to manage your feelings.” Or “you need to BE distracted because I have no confidence in your (or my) ability to manage your feelings.” Or “I cannot handle how you are feeling/behaving…”
What a scary thing for a child.
To think the most mature person–their special adult in their lives–cannot handle how they feel. This really rocks a child’s world…and usually ramps them up even more.
What a way to undermine their ability to (eventually) manage their OWN feelings. To understand, accept, process, and express appropriately all the emotions they have.
What a way to undermine OUR ability to do the same–be comfortable in our own feelings–our anxiety, lack of confidence in our own selves, embarrassment, you name it.
Consider this from the American Academy of Pediatrics:
“Avoid using media as the only way to calm your child. Although there are intermittent times (eg, medical procedures, airplane flights) when media is useful as a soothing strategy, there is concern that using media as strategy to calm could lead to problems with limit setting or the inability of children to develop their own emotion regulation.” (Am. Academy of Pediatrics)
So what to do?
Because really, these BIG and LOUD feelings and over-the-top behaviors really DO cause a ton of anxiety. For everyone involved. 
Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:
~ PAUSE. Calm yourself as much as possible FIRST. What a way to role-model taking care of our own feelings in healthy ways.
~ Name and affirm the feeling your child has. “It makes you really mad…” “You are feeling so so frustrated!” “You really don’t want to leave, yet.” “It makes you mad when I buckle you up in your seat. It is important to be safe…” “It really hurt your feelings when…” “I can see how tired you are. That sure makes it hard for you to…”
~ Give a clear framework, choice inherent: “When you calm down we can…” “I will take you to your room and stay with you while you work at settling down…” “You need to get your mad OUT. Would pounding the couch together help?” “I will stop you from hurting your brother. I can see you are really upset. When we’ve all calmed down a bit we can talk about this…” “Let’s take a few deep breaths like this…and then you can choose if you want to buckle all by yourself or have me help you.”
~ Follow through with what you’ve offered up calmly, matter-of-factly. Whether it is buckling for them (perhaps initially making them even LOUDER and more upset), closing the bedroom door and sitting against it while you keep them company, keeping your promise of talking about it once things have settled, joining in alongside them to pound away at the couch. Your calm, matter-of-fact, willing to stay near, involved, connected self speaks volumes to your child. Respectful volumes.
And now, no matter how your child chooses to behave, you’ve communicated a safe, steady, solid place in which they get the opportunity to sort themselves out. To FEEL. To BE loud and hurt and mad and sad and frustrated without judgment but WITH company, guidance, comfort, and role-modeling that can show them just what to DO with all these upset feelings.
It may not be pretty. It may still be embarrassing, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for YOU, but because you’ve paused…and focused on taking care of your feelings, you are able to step in alongside your upset child and really help them navigate their experience with the confidence they need from you and need to feel you have in them.
Then in t
ime, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”
And your child will be a bit better and stronger in doing just what he or she is meant to–manage themselves. No need for distraction. No need for another to do it for them (and really, think about it. Do you want your future teen needing another to decide for them what and how to do or feel?). And those screens? They can now be used at crucial stress filled times now and again without undermining the important growth of self-regulation.
So today…pause. Consider those potentially embarrassing, anxiety driven, frustrating moments as an opportunity for your child to learn a little bit more about themselves, their feelings, and healthy ways to manage them. You, too. Our kids give us constant opportunities to get stronger within ourselves–and it really all begins with a PAUSE.
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Be Tech Intentional
September 12, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology Comment
Be Tech Intentional.
Be Tech Intentional. Know the impact. Know the content. Walk the talk. It is so very difficult…and it is so very essential.
Need more ideas and help? Two articles for you to take a look at: What TO Do Instead of a Screen and MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen,
HOW Do We Get Our Kids To…
July 29, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment
We feel like it is OUR job to…
…Get our kids to fall asleep…stay asleep…just SLEEP. 
…Eat what and when we serve them–I remember so well the “Clean your plate!” admonishments in our family…and many others, as well. “No dessert until…!” Or how about, “Lunch is in two hours. You’ll just have to wait…”
…Make sure they are a good friend…or have friends….or just make friends.
…Keep them from feeling sad, left out, hurt. Or STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD.
…Do whatever it takes to make sure they DON’T feel sad, left out, hurt–or…do whatever it takes to make them happy once again. And definitely STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD. Mostly because we can’t handle it.
…Make sure they do their homework…get their homework “right”…remember to turn IN their homework–especially the homework YOU worked so hard on getting them to finish or just went ahead and did for them.
On and on we go…
And we get more and more frustrated, stressed, reactive, heartbroken along the way…because our kids? They know, intuitively, that how they choose to think, feel, and behave is really THEIR job. Yet when we make it ours, they no longer have to take responsibility for sleeping, eating, being a good friend, feeling happy-sad-mad-successful…for they can count on us to continue to poke, prod, nag, bribe, yell, remind, do for them all these things we feel it is our job to do in order for our kids to grow well.
And now we have children who are less likely to feel competent, capable, confident in their abilities. Children who have no idea how to manage feelings. Children who rebel, comply, struggle more than necessary and for longer periods of time.
Consider this–what if you were to focus instead on growing capable, competent, confident-in-their-abilities children and put your efforts toward creating an environment conducive to your child taking charge of the sleep, eating, friendships, homework, upset feelings? Now how might that look? Perhaps:
For sleep…a calming routine for all ages that evolves with age.
Things like:
Gentle rocking for your baby as they work themselves to settle or respect for them to fuss themselves to sleep on their own in their crib. Or rubbing their back or saying to them, “I know you can let sleep come. I’ll be back in 5 minutes to check on you.” And then you keep your promise.
Perhaps stories and songs and snuggles or a bath followed by a snack followed by stories and a back rub. And patience galore when it seems like you have to start all over again with stories, songs, backrub…
Maybe your company quietly lying next to them. Probably a quieter environment with special guys or blankies or other sleep buddies (and NO screens). And again, your patience 🙂
Maybe acceptance for flashlights and late-night-under-the-covers reading with our older kids. Or taking OURSELVES off to bed after saying a good-night to your still awake child, communicating your confidence that they can take charge of their own sleep needs.
Letting go of all of this sleep happening in OUR time frame and respecting our child’s work at this oftentimes tough transition. That’s the tough part. Helping them to “let sleep come” can be a lengthy process…
For eating…providing healthy foods, regular mealtimes, enjoyable and connected mealtimes where:
Conversation is had and full presence is in place. Creativity called upon as yet again the answers to your inquiries are filled with, “I dunno.” “Maybe.” “Uh uh.” 🙂
ALL digital devices off the table, silenced, put away. Absolutely.
Respect is given for a child feeling full or feeling hungry. “You’re done? Great! Please take your plate to the counter.” “You’re hungry? Dinner is in an hour. Would carrots and some cheese help you wait?”
Most especially mealtimes that are focused on being together and sharing stories…now you are more likely positively influencing your child to eat well, healthily, and tuned in to their own body’s needs.
For friendships…role modeling the kindness, respect and FUN people can have together.
Such as:
Providing lots of opportunity to play freely and at length. Outdoors whenever possible! Little to no adult supervision–at least, obvious adult supervision…:-)
Inviting the single friend over for your quiet child, multiples for your extrovert. Choosing a friend to join the family adventure or welcoming in the neighborhood kids to roar around the yard.
Sitting alongside your child as they experience the inevitable hurt feelings–role modeling again the kindness and compassion you hope to see them exhibit towards others. Oh how this tugs on heartstrings! Take care of YOU, as well.
Making sure the kinds of toys you provide are easy for your toddler and preschooler to “share”–blocks, Lego, markers, playdough, books. Or just head OUT side and you’ll find way less conflict to occur!
Stepping up family time when your elementary child is on the receiving end of unkind remarks, of not being invited to birthday parties, is left out of play on the playground–step up family time, do more together, let your child experience positive and kind and fun with YOU until they are ready to reach out once again to another. What a way to respect their struggle without communicating that you have to fix it for them–and instead communicating your confidence in their ability to move through it well.
For homework…creating a comfortable, un-distracted time each day for doing homework, perhaps snack included…
Ideas include:
Making it a time of connection and presence. Maybe by sitting with your child, or busily working nearby. I often got kitchen work done while my girls sat nearby doing their homework. Kept me tuned in and available if they needed help.
Asking your child questions rather than telling them what to do. “Tough one, hmmm? What have you tried so far?” “What would happen if you tried adding, first, then doing the other part of the problem?”
Trusting their ability to learn rather than “making sure they do.” Now they can call learning their own. THIS empowers.
Having a routine in place each evening or morning that makes it easier for them to remember to gather all their work together–and letting go of whether they remember or not. Now they can own the result of this choice when they get to school and realize they’ve forgotten their work…
For all those uncomfortable feelings…the ones we’d like our children never to experience for it hurts us so much…
Try things such as:
Creating a space they can feel safe in, loved in, heard in. Physical or emotional one. My girls and I would snuggle on our big poof chair (think beanbag filled with foam). We’d squish in together, sit side by side, and feelings would pour out. A young boy I know feels best in his room. He can get out all kinds of MAD there and know it is okay. 
Being the calm and connected parent alongside them in their great big sad, affirming, maybe asking questions but mostly listening. And rubbing backs, sometimes. Hugs welcomed often.
Exploring with them how something feels, what they think another felt, what could help in these situations. Exploring rather than making. Letting go of “solving the problem” and instead be curious and explore. That’s all.
What does all this require from us?
Patience. Trust in our children and the process growth is. Calm confidence in just what we intend to grow. Understanding and knowledge of child development. Support. The ability to PAUSE and calm ourselves. Our OWN growth. Self-care so we can be all these things.
It requires us managing our own feelings–especially our anxiety. Taking care of our anxiety so it doesn’t lead the way and have us “making our kids” rather than guiding and influencing our kids. Now that’s relationship building! Taking care of our anxiety so our kids can, too. Taking care of our anxiety so we can relax, trust our child’s growth process, focus on how capable and competent they can be, and let go of having it OUR way so they can find THEIR way.
Now our children have the opportunity to grow as capable,
competent, confident souls for they can take responsibility for themselves, be in charge of what they think, feel, and do, know more clearly from the inside out what they are all about.
Today…PAUSE. Focus on yourself in whatever situation you find yourself trying to “make your kids” do something. Tap into your calm, confident self. Know that you can create the environment that is going to support your child’s growth as one amazing individual. Let this communicate your confidence in your child’s growing abilities–what an empowering message to a child when a parent exhibits trust and confidence in them–especially as their child struggles.
Respect the process growth is.
Here’s to you today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
MORE of What TO Do Instead of Screens
June 20, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment
I’ve come to understand many of you only know devices as the go-to solution for occupying your kids when needed. It has become the default, so as I talk about how LESS screen is much healthier, many of you struggle with just what TO do. I want to share ideas for you as you consider pausing before handing your child a digital device and considering what else you CAN do.
I feel quite lucky that when I was parenting younger kids all there was device-wise was TV (and that wasn’t all that long ago!). There are so many things we did for our children that now is replaced by a device. All that ultimately does for many children is displace the kind of learning that can grow them in optimal ways and this makes YOUR job as a parent even harder. Those devices when over-used? They seem to make things easier in the moment…until, of course, you try to take it away or tell your child they are done 🙂 And in the long run it makes everything so much harder, for your kids aren’t learning how to manage themselves, how to BE in long lines, car rides, the post office, the grocery store, on airplanes…
Instead of learning how to control themselves, it seems the devices are doing it for them. All this says to your child is, “You need this device in order to be in control…” Not what any of us really want in the long run–for our child to seek outside influences in order to feel in control of themselves. Think peer pressure. Unwanted sexual experiences. Drugs. Alcohol.
So what CAN you do? Oh so much! Ideas for you at home…
Know that a toddler will be fascinated with a saucepan, spoon, a measuring cup, lid. Maybe add a bit of water for stirring. You’ll get a few extra minutes and maybe more as the play expands–and you can easily add a bit of food to mix in if desired, or a doll and washcloth, or maybe a towel spread on floor with extra cups, scoops, maybe an empty ice-cube tray and let them fill and dump to their hearts content. Need something a bit drier? Try an empty Kleenex box stuffed with just about anything and hand to your young toddler. Or a full Kleenex box to have fun pulling out the tissues one at a time… 🙂Pull out the “old fashioned” telephone. I know a few little boys who LOVE to pretend to call the doctor on their old telephone…BRRRRRING! BRRRRING! Give them a crayon or pencil and a pile of sticky notes. Let the play begin. This paper and crayon or pencil? It works well while riding in the grocery cart 🙂 Remember cardboard boxes…of any and all sizes. They make fantastic play-on-your-own experiences. All you have to do is occasionally add something new inside the Box Fort–sleeping bag, flashlights, a pile of stuffed critters, a shoe box full of stickers and markers…
Throw a blanket over a table or across a few chairs and let your child know in a secret voice, “It’s your FORT. I wonder how many of your stuffed guys will join you in there?” So often it is just how you say something that can capture a child’s attention and get their imagination going. Use your voice. Sing, whisper, be conspiratorial. Amazing what can happen for creating time for YOU.
What about at the grocery store, or the post-office, or in a L-O-N-G line at DMV or the airport or ANY where? What about during your dentist appointment, at the bank, or anywhere else you head with child in hand?
Ideas for you on-the-go:
***Always carry snacks. Kids get hungry and grumpy when waits are extra long. A collection of raisins and fish crackers (or whatever you choose…) can occupy their little fingers at length AND take the edge off of hunger.
***Involve your child. Have them help you find things in the grocery store, fill the bag with apples, get excited about choosing the cereal. One mama I know let her son know he could choose a toy from the toy aisle to hold during their grocery store trip, and then when finished, they would return the toy to the shelf “with all its friends” and wave good bye. My girls liked to bring their Special Guys with them–Kitty and Grand Champion (horse). They talked to them, showed them things, included them in our errands just as I included my girls.
***Be s
ure to do errands with your child when you DO feel patient so they can learn from a calm and present parent. The more you can do this, the less trouble you’ll have during the times you have to swing by the store following daycare pick up and a long day at work. Think about this–your child cannot learn how to BE in a bank or store or anywhere if you just hand them a digital device to occupy them.
Then as they grow, it just gets tougher and tougher, for they don’t have the ability to wait in line, to look around and talk about things, to know how to exchange money or choose stamps or mail a package or count down until your number is called…
***Instead of plunking your child in front of the child’s TV in the bank (I really do not like how more institutions are supplying screens for children, rather than a pile of books…and yes, I say something to the managers quite regularly!), carry them on up to the counter, talk to them about what the teller is doing, let them hand over the check, let them receive the receipt. Name all the interesting things around–“He has a much BIGGER computer than ours at home.” “Look! Type type type and then whir whir whir and out comes our receipt!” “Would you like to show the teller what we brought to the bank for her to take care of?” There is SO much learning to be done when we choose to involve our kids in our day to day tasks and errands…
***Instead of trying extra hard to keep your child still and quiet in that long line in the post office, consider letting them explore a bit. Perhaps let them look through the display windows at all the colorful stamps; maybe play a bit of I Spy with them. Let them hold the letters or package to be mailed. Sing quietly to them. We found singing to work wonders in so many situations. Again, talk about all the things you see. Show them how to take Flat Rate Boxes off the shelf and then slide them back on again. Let them look at the cards for sale–show them how to be gentle, to slide them back where they belong. INVOLVE your children.
***In the back seat of the car have books and a few other favorite small items available. Engage them out the window. Find the back hoe, the raven on the telephone wire, the firetruck whizzing by. Again, sing. Or play music or an audio book. As they get older, give them car-games to play like finding all the letters of the alphabet as they pass by signs or as many different license plates as possible. Keeping track of finding each state’s license plate if you live in the USA is lots of fun for kids of many ages.
These are just some of the endless number of ideas I and others have that I encourage you to try FIRST, prior to handing your child a device. Save those for special times–for when you have absolutely NO patience or where-with-all left. Now they don’t interrupt healthy development, for they are used rarely. Like TV for us. We kept it to 30 minutes a day–and often never watched any. My girls sometimes “saved up” their minutes to watch more on other days…those days when I needed it the most 🙂
A Story of Boys and their Wiggles…
June 19, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment
A story of wiggles for you…
A 6.5-year-old little boy. A favorite babysitter who picked him up from school EARLY so they could have an afternoon together before she went back to college. Lucky boy. Lucky babysitter!
And then the wiggles.
You know, the perpetual motion, jumping, kicking, “look at the karate I can do” as this terrific 6.5-year-old thrust out his arms, kicked his legs, and found himself on the other end of the room to turn around and thrust and kick and “do karate!” all over again. Then the mini-tramp and great big poof chair and the jumping, diving, plopping, rolling that they seem to invite. Even as invitations to make chocolate and banana pancakes were extended the wiggles took over.
Sound familiar? Maybe you even wonder if your child can even SIT still for any moment at all. Or maybe you hear from your child’s teacher how your child “needs to learn to sit still and listen better” or to “keep their hands and feet to themselves” or “he just needs to focus better…”
Back to my story. This little guy? After an hour of perpetual motion (including inhaling his banana/chocolate pancakes), of being given the respect and space and time for getting all his wiggles out, of focusing ON HIS WIGGLES (there’s that attention span–his focus was on movement, at length and with great intensity), he was offered up a maze book to read with his favorite babysitter and for the next 30 minutes there they were, stretched out on the floor, totally engrossed in mazes and stories, the only wiggles now being expressed by his toes as the two of them traced their fingers, laughed, studied their books.
And then downstairs they went to get lost in Lego building. The quiet, the focus, the creations. Again, focus, “sitting still,” conversation shared and delighted in. Together.
Why am I sharing this?
Because so many parents of young boys share their frustrations of the seeming inability of their little guys to focus, sit, listen.
They feel pressure from school to “get their kids to do so.” Teachers have greater pressure all the time to “get kids to sit still” so they can do their work. I’m not going to delve into the frustrations of all as we push academics down into younger years, but I do want to take a look at the wiggles…
I want to encourage each of you to look at the perpetual motion AS focused attention. Your child is putting all their attention on the movement they need the most.
This is to be appreciated and encouraged and given the opportunity it needs.
And I want to encourage each of you to look for those times your child DOES “sit still” and listen, focus on a quieter or more involved activity, get immersed in intricate Lego building or books or drawing or play dough or scissors or lining up cars or…
Look for it. Notice when this kind of “sitting still” happens–what precedes it, what your involvement is (if any), what captures your child’s attention the most.
My wiggle story? It is all about how essential movement is in order to foster the “sitting still and listening” many of us want more of.
And to acknowledge it AS focused attention can perhaps change how we view it. Instead of seeing it as displacing focused attention, we can now embrace it as nurturing focused attention.
Today, look to where your child involves him or herself fully. Whether it is movement or books or building or listening or testing you over and over and over (focused on getting YOUR attention!). Notice and appreciate the focus that whatever they are doing requires. Affirm it out loud when appropriate. Pay attention to what works to then move into the quieter focused activities.
Give your child lots of practice at and time with both–movement and stillness (and screen time does not count–it more often undermines the ability to sit and listen at length, truly. That’s another post to write!). Even if the “sitting still and listening” lasts just a few minutes, notice and affirm. What we focus on grows.
Back to the babysitter and 6.5-year-old. They said their good-byes to each other. Hugs and karate chops and promises of amazing pictures to be mailed back and forth. This parting of ways has gone on for 4 years…it is with incredible joy that I get to watch their relationship flourish. And to watch our 6.5-year-old friend grow himself in such wonderfully delightful ways!
Celebrate the wiggles today! And enjoy another wiggles post here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/21/noticed-and-appreciated-wiggles-and-giggles/
Alice
Author and PCI Certified Parent Coach®
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Transitions. They Sure Can Be Tough!
June 16, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Turning Five. Finishing preschool. Moving to a new home. Saying goodbye to grandpa and grandma. Leaving for vacation. A new babysitter. A new sibling! Feeling better after an illness. Heading to a new school. New growth and stage… 
What do these all have in common? Transition. And boy, can transitions cause real disruption for young children–sometimes just the daily transition out the door. I asked a friend whose little boy is turning five what she’d like me to address in my post, and she said, “big changes.”
She’s noticed, as her son finishes preschool and looks forward to his birthday how he has been having a tougher time of recent–you know, acting up a bit more, emotions a higher intensity, testing with more gusto, having a harder time making choices. I asked what it is she (mom) is doing that is helping the most as her son faces his big changes. And she said, “Listening.” YES. A PAUSE of sorts, this listening. Maybe it doesn’t lessen the tougher time, but it sure makes it more likely your child can move through it for they feel heard.
Big Changes. Growth. Transitions.
They require listening–with care, with compassion, with your eyes and ears open to just what is turning your child’s crank. They require stability, predictable routines and rhythm, a calm and consistent parent. They require knowing what to expect ahead of time, empathy, understanding, awareness. And the ability to let go and be flexible 🙂
What can you do to help your child through any transition?
Become even more consistent and predictable with the routines you can keep in place. These act as the stable foundation from which a child can better manage big change–any change.
You already know how bedtime has its predictable routine in place–brush teeth, potty, jammies on, 3 books, tuck you in, sing you a song, turn on your night light, give you 17 kisses and one for your nose, and good night 🙂
Or maybe it is your routine for getting out the door that actually works well. Family dinner may be in place with everyone knowing just what to expect–no digital devices at the table, conversation, sitting together.
Perhaps it is the goodbye you do as you separate from your child at daycare each day–you have a routine of hanging things up in their cubby together, choosing one thing to play, and then blowing kisses out the door.
As our kids face bigger changes, it is these routines and rhythms that start meaning even more. If you are facing a bigger change and your child is reacting, look to where you can increase predictability for them–it communicates ‘safe and secure’ to children and leaves them in a position to better manage the change.
Things you might find yourself saying include:
“When your new babysitter comes, you are going to have macaroni and cheese and then go walk the dog together, just like with your old sitter.”
“After your nap we will be piling in the car to head to the airport and get on the jet that will take us to Grandma!”
“At grandma’s you’ll sleep in a bed next to your brother. You can choose the special guys you want to take to snuggle in the bed with you.”
“You are sad about saying goodbye to all your preschool friends. We are planning on seeing them at the park next Tuesday, just like always!”
“Let’s go into your new classroom together and see the cubby it has to hang up your coat and put your backpack in. And when it is time for me to say goodbye, I will stop at the window to blow you kisses, just like I did at your old school!”
Things you might do:
***Make sure bed or nap time includes as much as the same routine they are used to no matter where you are. Maybe all you can keep the same is the special stuffed guy who sleeps with your child, or maybe it is that you can still read 3 books–no matter what it is you maintain, make an intentional effort to do something. 
***Be even more intentional about honoring feelings–naming them, listening to your child, being close if necessary. Transitions can cause all kinds of upset that, once it is appreciated, can calm down.
***Reinstate routines as your child gets well from an illness (assuming the illness threw a number of your routines right out the window)–slowly bring back the bed/meal/daycare rhythm you had prior to the illness–this can make all the difference in life flowing once again, it can comfort a child as they move from feeling yucky to themselves again–“Whew, life hasn’t changed too much! It all feels regular again.”
***Stay calm and consistent with all your responses–even more so at times of disruption. The calmer you ride the wave of big change, the sooner your child can adjust–and just think of the role modeling you are doing! It communicates “Mom and Dad can handle it, no matter what.” It communicates just how change can best be met–giving them the framework for coping with future change in their lives.
***Offer up things your child can expect that might interest them–like the bookshelf daddy is going to build for their new bedroom or the great big laugh to listen for from Grandpa when he meets you at the airport. Putting your child’s attention to something that you know will peak her curiosity can help you ride through some of the other hard parts of a transition. And then follow through with what you’ve promised. “Okay! Let’s march off the plane and see who can hear Grandpa’s laugh!” “It’s hard to pack all your books in the boxes. You know the bookshelf you and daddy made? It is waiting for you in your new bedroom and once we are there, we can fill it with all of these books (and maybe use the boxes to build a fort 🙂 )!”
***Take care of YOU. Deposit into your Self-Care-Savings Account often. Discover what you can do, just for you, that only takes a short time. These deposits add up and help you with the patience, resilience, creativity necessary for helping your child move through Big Changes.
Just a few thoughts and ideas for you. I’m sure you have many examples you can share. The key? Being calm and consistent. Finding the predictable routine within the change that you can do. Emphasize it–no matter how small–for it is what young children need to face change that can rock their boat. Let them be able to count on you, on something in their day, on a choice they get no matter what. Now they’ve been given a gift of strength to help them carry on through any change.
And as my friend said, listen. Listen and watch and notice what is working for your little one to move through a transition well (which doesn’t always equate to ‘calmly’!). Notice what works to help them, notice what surprises you about their ability to move through the change. And especially notice, as life settles once again, just how your child has grown as a result.
Big change. Transitions. A part of the rest of our lives.
Make your child’s experience one they can grow from, one they can take into their future and be able to greet any change with the inner strength we all need to do it well.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam
Keeping Our Children Safe
June 8, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment
Consider these…
Your baby begins to pull up and travel a bit around furniture and all of a sudden his little hands can reach those fragile items, the knives in the drawer, the tantalizing pot burbling away atop the hot stove.
Whew! Quick! If you ha
ven’t already now it IS time to baby proof–to think about and then act upon putting the fragile items up high, poisons and sharp knives behind locked doors and drawers or whatever works in your family to keep Baby safe, healthy, growing strong. And you do so.
And as Baby grows, you get busy showing her how to stay back from the hot oven as you open it, to carefully stir the oatmeal in the pot on the stove alongside you, to use first a butter knife to practice cutting until you are confident she can handle a small sharp knife. You TEACH. Safety skills for keeping your little one safe, healthy, growing strong–and learning!
Your five-year-old happily dumps her thousands of Lego blocks all over the floor to immerse herself in building and creating.
Uh-oh! New development in your home. Your 15-month-old wants to be right in the middle of all those small and choke-able items. Quick! Figure out a new way for Lego to be played so your little one CAN be safe, healthy, growing strong. Maybe Miss Five can play with them up on the table, or behind closed doors. Maybe, as you think about ideas, you can just be sure to be right there with your young toddler to show him just what he CAN play with, put in his mouth, or how Lego blocks can be used. What a way to keep your little one safe, healthy, growing strong. Think of all the learning!
Because you are quite clear about keeping your child SAFE as you unload from your parked car on a busy street or in a busy parking lot…
…you’ve thought ahead about grabbing that grocery cart before unbuckling anybody, or having your backpack ready to roll for your child to load up in, or talking ahead of time about holding hands or being carried. You’ve thought about it and are purposeful with just what you do. Including being gently firm with your dash-away-from-you toddler 🙂 Teaching, guiding, and learning that will keep your child safe, healthy, growing strong.
We are quite good at taking care with how we handle the above kinds of situations and many more along our journeys as parents. Sometimes after the fact a bit, sometimes ahead of time–and either way, we’ve thought a bit or for a while; we’ve become intentional with what we do.
We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.
It’s so darn overwhelming, isn’t it? And yet, look at all we already do with care and purpose in order to keep our children safe, healthy, growing strong and learning. Let’s look at how we can do so with technology, as well. Because really, there will be times when we are exhausted, sick, tending to a sick one, talking at length with Grandma who is having real troubles, frying up meat that is spattering oil all over the kitchen and kids just CAN’T be underfoot. We have to have something to entertain our kids in these moments that is quick and easy (if they are unable to entertain themselves…). And our default these days are iPhones, video games, iPads, shows to watch, and on and on.
Thoughts for you as you become purposeful and thoughtful about just what IS safe and healthy for your child…
***Choose Apps with care. Be sure there is no marketing of products to your child. Be sure there is no violence or other inappropriate content. Be sure you are comfortable with the story-line, the game, whether there is an ability to drift off onto the internet into unknown territory…
***Think about the content of anything you let your child watch, “do”, play with--does it support the kind of relationships you want them to be exposed to? Does it represent healthy ways to live and be? Is it something that spurs real conversation within your family?
***Consider audio books for your child to listen to…or books on the iPad that are used only in those moments of exhaustion, illness, cooking fatty meat on the stove 🙂 When your child gets them only at these times, they become special–and something that truly engages them just when you need it the most.
Or maybe jus
t have a box of books or special items saved for just these moments. That’s what we did…and it works.
***Consider behavior following device use. Are they acting out? Scared? Worried? Discover why. Ask about what they saw. Let it guide YOU in considering, again with purpose, what might be better choices of Apps, videos, games.
***Educate yourself in regards to children being exposed to too much screen time. Let this knowledge guide you as you purposefully choose what is right for your children and family. You can find a lot of excellent info at the Children’s Sreen Time Action Network.
***Take a look around your home and be sure it supports your child in being safe, healthy, growing strong. Put phones out of sight and on silent during family time and meals. Watch your own use of devices when with your children. Use a real camera, a real watch, a real alarm clock. Talk about why you choose with care what and how you do all things digital. Keep all screens OUT of bedrooms. Have specific places for devices to be kept and charged, rather than spread all over the house. I know one family who has a small wooden box set up in an out-of-the-way place where all devices get dropped once home. Now they can no longer distract and it becomes an intentional act to retrieve them.
The more we can use our strength at being
purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more
likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping
them as safe as we can.
Start today. Help your child learn with care how to BE with all the devices in your house-hold. Keep “safe, healthy, strong” as your filter, showing your little one up to your teen how best to use technology so it can be part of healthy growth and development. Because it can. With your care, your awareness, your strength at being purposeful.
With HOPE and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Our Children, Our Technology
March 11, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment
“How can we think our pre-teens and teens can handle it any better? I mean, surely we don’t think, because they can navigate the technology itself better than adults, this means they can fully manage its usage, and its effects on their psyches, their relationships, their self-worth?” (Hal Runkel, screamfree)
Okay–I’m going up on that soapbox of mine (consider yourself warned!) and I invite you to step up alongside.
How we intend for our future teens and adults to manage their world begins with our little ones. This now includes a tremendous amount of technology–and is directly influenced by OUR use of technology. What we role-model from infancy on is crucial.
It really does begin with us. So…consider this:
A baby needs a present, responsive caregiver able to tune into their nuances, rhythms, needs.
When we interact with phone in hand, we are distracted at best. What does our baby “hear”? That caring for another means choosing to be interrupted, less present, our attention divided by choice. That what they need the most to grow in a healthy way is secondary to tending to our phones, texts, Face book, tweets, snapchats, instagram, you name it.
Now baby has to work harder at getting her needs met, leading to being even more fussy, unsettled, ultimately stressed-–and this interrupts healthy growth. Not what any of us intend…nor want as it just makes our job even harder.
Know that a toddler or preschooler will copy EVERY thing you do.
As you grab your phone to talk or text while driving, or eating, or out meandering through the park with them, or bathing them, or in the midst of reading books with them they learn oh-so-much about what we deem is most important in life. That being distracted and tending to digital devices rather than being present to all the richness of the world around us, to the people we are with is how we are supposed to be in this world.
No matter how hard we try to “hide” our use (sort of like those Christmas gifts we try to sneak onto the grocery cart thinking they aren’t noticing …), they see it–clearly–and are constantly filing it away in their brains as how to live and be in this world. And as with our babies, their need for a tuned in and responsive caregiver goes unmet–and you can count on behavior to ramp up . And no, this soap box moment is not about never using our phones. It is about becoming intentional with our use…fully present to whatever we are doing.
Never think an elementary child will miss the fact… 
…that you are distracted by your phone when you pick them up from school tossing a “How was your day, sweetie?” over your shoulder as you text away in the front seat. And then you wonder why they ignore you, or drive you nuts trying to get your attention, or just generally act up and make the transition from school to home totally unpleasant.
OR discover, because they, too, have a device that gets them on line, how they can “interact” with all kinds of people without you even knowing they are. And then share things that would truly disappoint and even scare you. Because they can…and they don’t have the brain growth to know that they shouldn’t. Heck, what they see you do is what they think they are doing, therefore it must be okay, right?
Never think a TEEN, with a brand new drivers license…
…will decide to safely manage their phone (aka OFF or silenced and out of reach) as they navigate streets and highways just because you’ve always said what NOT to do yet rarely followed through with it yourself. Remember back when they were little and you were busily talking or texting while driving? They haven’t forgotten. Or you might find they decide that what is most important is to get lost on their screens to the point of no connection with you at all. Or take what they did as elementary students “playing around” with somewhat unhealthy on-line interactions and evolve them into what can become truly dangerous “connections.” In real time and in-person. Or the anxiety and depression that comes as teens get totally lost in all things screens to the cost of all their relationships. All very scary.
Maybe it stirs up too much anxiety for you as you consider stepping away from your phone or device.
That’s okay. Any change in our life can stir up anxiety. Taking it in small steps for short amounts of time can help. And I guarantee, over time with your commitment, you will discover things to feel oh-so-much-better.
Try it in little ways…
…commit to reading one more book to your child before answering the text you know just came in.
…try tucking your phone into your purse AND on silent while greeting your child from school or daycare.
…put your phone away as you eat lunch with your child.
…declare dinner times digital free times and slide all devices into a drawer and out of sight.
…take a paper list into the store and leave your phone in your car.
…take a real camera on your next adventure instead of using your cell phone.
…commit to finishing whatever chore or game or conversation you are in the midst of before taking a look at your phone.
That’s all. Just a few minutes at a time. What a difference it can make as you give your child your full, un-distracted attention. And then, when it is time to get back to your phone? Let your child know. And give your phone your full attention. What a way to strengthen YOUR intent on all things balanced and healthy. What a way to role-model living and relating well.
Let’s get better at managing our devices in healthy ways. You, your children, and our world deserve this.
Okay. Stepping off the soap box…thank you for listening. Hoping you’ll take action!
With respect and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
What Happens to Childhood?
March 4, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments
What happens to childhood when we are constantly
filming (and posting) our kids’ every antic?
I so appreciate this article: Their Tube: When every moment of childhood can be recorded and shared, what happens to childhood?
Aside from the marketing directed at kids (something very disturbing and deserves real scrutiny and discretion), this is a trend I believe can have real negative repercussions when done as a way of life. And YES it is also completely understandable because we truly love watching our kids and all their antics and want to share with friends and family so they won’t miss out…and yet… 
I think so much can be lost. Here’s why:
~ It means we, the adults–instead of simply observing (and soaking it up!)–are distracted by OUR screen as we work at filming our kids, and often taking time to then share on social media. When this is our norm–filming everything–our attention to our device rather than being fully present to our child can communicate to our kids that it is the device and “all those out there” that are most important. Probably not what any of us intend.
~ It means our children are more focused “out there.” Focused on all those potential viewers OR on just seeing themselves doing something “on camera.” Which, by the way, IS totally fun–yet when it’s the norm, their play is getting constantly interrupted and directed less by what they like, feel, imagine, create and way more by how those “out there” may respond, may like, may want.
In order to grow well, our kids need lots of
time and opportunity to tune into their feelings, ideas, thoughts, how their body feels–discovering who THEY are as individuals, rather than who they think they need to be for the attention and “likes” and accolades of online life.
~ Our kids are distracted. Instead of getting lost in their play, in their own imagination and ideas; instead of staying focused at length (so very very necessary for all things learning and success through life), they are constantly stopping their play to “watch themselves” or check the “likes”, or seeing if they are doing what it is they saw another doing on-line in just the “right way.” They are constantly interrupting their own thought process to check in on “out there.” What a way to undermine exactly what is needed to learn–ability to focus and attend at LENGTH. To imagine. To create. To fire from the inside-out.
~ Our kids are more caught up in “staging” their play (or copying another’s idea) rather than getting lost in their OWN ideas and feeling good about them. Our kids are learning their self-worth depends on the attention they get from “out there” rather than from the inside-out–something we want to avoid, especially as we think about those teen years and how important it is for our teens to feel their self-worth comes from inside themselves rather than turning to peers for constant approval. Especially when those peers are pushing for sex or drugs or alcohol.
PAUSE today. Consider stepping
away from filming and recording. Try observing in”real time”
for a while. Give your children the opportunity to just
be themselves FOR themselves.
What a way to communicate confidence in who they are; that they are important and valued as they are. Encourage lengthy play time to be creative and imaginative.
And when you do quietly record them? Make it special. A treat. Then put your phone away and let them get on with their play. And just think! Now you have a story to share with friends and family, rather than a video. And stories? They can be rich and meaningful when shared. Talk about using OUR imagination, too! 
Childhood is meant for this. To play, explore, do a child’s work--without needing constant attention and what they see as “approval” from all those viewers “out there.” Or to get all their ideas from another.
Go play today! Un-distracted. Creatively. At length. And enjoy. What a gift to your children AND to their childhood.
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam
Seven! Such a Magic Age!
February 20, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment
I got lost in a little 7-year-old magic last night.
The quick smiles, dimples included. Eye-twinkles galore. Jokes! So many…ridiculous, funny, sometimes a bit edgy as Mr. 7 tests out just what IS okay…
The home-made birthday wrapping paper with “My BEST cursive, Alice!” all over it. And a poem. Written by him! His delight in his work was probably the best gift of all…
Watching the made up card game played with a certain favorite 23-year-old. Mr. 7 “shuffled” (that took effort!), dealt, and the two of them created a game of addition that had one then the other discarding until the numbers added up to “a dollar.” They played this for half-an-hour straight. Math, turn taking, creative ideas, fine motor skills, 
conversation, laughter, full presence–a wonderful and magical connection. Very cool.
The perpetual motion of a 7-year-old boy. Spinning, plopping, hopping, twisting, somersaulting…and then sitting. At length. That made-up card game once again. Oh, and dessert. Let’s not forget sitting for dessert! Yum.
The “apple pie” made by Mr. 7. “Apple” because even though one thinks it is truly an apple pie, the twinkle in Mr. 7’s eyes tells you there is something amiss with that description…oh yes, it was delicious and safe to eat . It was a recipe taken from his favorite chemistry experiment cook book–and the “apple” is really Ritz crackers and lemon combined! Totally fun.
The concentration and questions asked as Mr. 7 checked out the 23-year-old’s scar and pin in her foot from foot surgery. Pretty awesome from his standpoint! The discussion the two had over the surgery process, the various metal now in that foot, the bones worked on…Mr. 7 and Ms 23. What a pair they are. Two scientists, heads bent together, discussing important-to-them things. I do believe Mr. 7 will follow in Ms 23’s footsteps…all things SCIENCE. Or at least all things DISCOVERY. How cool is that?
Oh, and Mr. 7’s description of his upcoming science fair idea! Cups, duct tape, soil, seeds…he has his experiment in mind, he has full support of his parents, he’s thought through just what HE thinks might or might not happen. His idea. Fully supported. And HE is excited. What a way to learn…to discover…to empower.
I was lost in ALL of his magic.
What a delight to watch a 7-year-old BE seven. Fully.
Ideas pouring out of him. Games created. Conversation enjoyed. Respect for his thoughts and desires and abilities.
Totally awesome.
Today, find these magical moments. Go get lost in them a bit. Know that the chaos WILL settle and incredible learning and growth is occurring right before your eyes.
It is, quite simply, amazing.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
All During Preschool Drop-off…
February 1, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Moments caught and enjoyed today…
…The bright eyed 3.5 year old sharing with me her “sharing bag” for preschool. “I brought my ball!! Daddy blew it up cuz it was squishy and now it is hard…” all while squeezing extra hard the round shape tucked in her preschool sharing bag. “My muscles are growing!!” And off she danced carrying her bundle down the hall, eyes all a-twinkle…
…The toddler trooping in alongside brother and friend and mama to drop them off at preschool...his head cranked backwards as he found everything BEHIND him of much greater interest then what was in front of him. Tripping, plopping, up and trooping, always always with his head turned backwards… 🙂
…The HUGS as new-found-friends are re-discovered once again, as only preschoolers can do. The DELIGHT with which they greet each other leaves one thinking it had been years…rather than a day or two! 
…The papas and mamas who all stopped in front of the preschool’s info board to read to their children what was happening in class that day. “Elephant valentines!” And off they’d go musing over just what an elephant valentine might be…
…The cling-on preschooler as mama tried to extract herself...“I see a post office! Would you like to go work on some letters to mail there? Or maybe bounce on the mini tramp…” Her efforts were seemingly futile as her child continued to wrap her arms around her legs, fussing and whining…until…ZOOM a buddy went zipping by on a trike and off went the little girl to climb on another trike and join in on the driving-round-and-round fun…and mama left with a smile on HER face!
…The mama of twin toddlers who, following drop off of her older child, took the necessary moments to sit with them in the free play area and let them explore. What a delight watching them immerse themselves, mama fully present and quietly watching…and then when it really was time to go, they agreeably trotted off and out the door. Despite the fact mama had a ton of errands to run and a tight time frame, she knew by pausing long enough to give them their time, HER time would go so much better :-).
Moments caught and enjoyed as preschool drop off continued. Boots being stomped to get the fresh snow off, lots of questions and conversations shared even as parents were rushing, turns taken as every single child wanted to be the door-opener-button-pusher. What a wonderful way to start MY day…so many smiles.
Enjoy your day! I am.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
The Magic of Respect
January 25, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
You know the cool thing about respectful interactions?
All the amazing things that emerge…
…babies who actively participate in care-giving routines–perhaps via closing their eyes and scrunching up their faces when you as
k, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves.
What a way to grow their capable and competent selves.
…toddlers who are willing to stop what they are doing and come with you right away because most of the time you respect what they are working on and give them the time they need to finish. Toddlers who actually consider what you are saying and asking…and then nod happily and join in with the job. Pretty neat, the more we respect them, the more they listen and cooperate.
…older children who feel confident and in charge of themselves (so essential for a healthy self-esteem and identity come teen years!) because all along mom and dad have respected their limits, their feelings. You know, all those tickling, rough housing, pillow fights, peek-a-boo games we love to keep going? Our stopping when our child indicates they’ve had enough communicates our respect for their ability to manage themselves, know their own feelings, be in charge of their bodies.
…child
ren able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.
Or spending 20 minutes trying to coordinate broom and dustpan and pile of dirt, getting frustrated, trying again, finding out the dirt spills off when they angle the pan wrong, trying again…getting frustrated…flopping on the floor…playing in the pile of dirt…then up and trying AGAIN.
Our affirmations and quiet presence as they move through the frustrations communicates our respect for the job they are doing; for their own ideas and decisions.
When we respect our child enough to keep
interruptions minimal, they have the opportunity to grow
themselves as a self-directed individual.
They now have the opportunity to truly learn what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do, to persevere, to think creatively, to discover how they feel…what a gift for their entire future, school and otherwise! And way less whining and “I’m bored!” to push your buttons, making our job a tad bit easier :-).
…young children saying, “I frusserated!” “STOP, I don’t like that!” “I need a hug.” “Mommy, I’m MAD at you!” rather than tantrums, melt-downs, hitting and biting. With our respectful affirmations and naming of their feelings without trying to fix them, our children learn to manage them selves–with words, stomping feet, withdrawing into their blankies…all the while working on learning just what we hope–appropriate expression of all those big feelings. Respect allows for this.
…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.
They know for sure that how they feel, what they think, and what they are interested in doing is important to you–and when anyone feels that way they are much more likely to listen, compromise, collaborate. To create those win/win solutions.
With respect in place, you are more likely to
nurture the growth of a self-directed, focused, persevering,
creative, problem solving, cooperative and collaborative
strong future teen and adult.
What more could we ask for?
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
“What does my child NEED?”
November 6, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
A mom-ism to share. One of those bits of wisdom that my mother (AKA Grandmom or G’mom for short) gave me.
Back in the day when my eldest was a baby I called her in tears. I was sleep deprived, I just couldn’t “get” my baby to stay asleep or fall back to sleep without me holding and rocking and always being there. Oh how tired I was. Oh how worried I was–was this going to be FOREVER??? NEVER sleeping without a constant ME?
And mom said one of the wisest and most impactful things to me…
“When you answer her need, (those rather unwanted) habits disappear…or even better, never form.”
She didn’t tell me what to do. She didn’t tell me how she thought I SHOULD be doing it. She didn’t say I was spoiling my baby or ruining her or anything like that. Nope. Just her insightful comment that took me in another direction entirely.
So I asked myself–what did my baby need? And I knew already. She needed ME. She needed to know I was there. She was young enough (2-3 months!) to still see herself as a part of me, rather than separate from me. That was coming soon, those first stages of separation…and boy, do they bring some new and challenging experiences!
I chose to answer her need. To go to her and be there for her. My mom’s words and the action I then took brought little to no ease in regards to MY sleep–at least, not initially.
But they brought ease to my heart. And with ease in my heart…
…I felt more connected. I UNDERSTOOD my baby’s need and I was answering it. Confidence wormed its way in. My heart calmed down. I calmed down. And you know what? Even though sleep was constantly interrupted, I felt BETTER. From there, eventually, my little one began to sleep better. Longer. Less interrupted. The incredible TIRED I could feel just didn’t seem so heavy any more.
And here’s the deal--I have used my mother’s Mom-ism all throughout my parenting journey. As challenges arise, I try to PAUSE first. And then ask myself, “What does my child need?” “What is she really asking for behind all this UPSET?” “What is she needing the most from me in order to move through this tumultuous stage and settle a bit?” “What does she need to be and feel that more independent soul she is pushing so hard to become?”
The answer isn’t always clear. The direction I take doesn’t always work. But the question always remains the same. “What does my child NEED?”
And I figured it out. You can, too. Start with asking the question and then take the steps you think will help answer it. Because really, that is what all of this parenting deal is about–answering our growing children’s physical, mental, and emotional needs along a developmental timeline that is quite a journey…different yet similar to everyone else’s…unique and challenging and in the long run, quite amazing.
And the magic of it all is what emerges. With needs answered, calm connection and confidence and clarity emerges. Children feel understood, supported, empowered and can grow their capable, competent selves…and so can we Relationships can be deposited into and eventually THRIVE.
Thank you, mom. Again, I treasure all you’ve given me in your life time and I know you knew that–because I told you. May your spirit continue to lift and inspire me and others. And may I continue to ask myself the same question as my now adult daughters turn to me once again…“What does my child NEED?”
With JOY and appreciation and heartfelt gratitude,
Your daughter, Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
OH Those Testy Toddlers!
November 5, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
So your toddler is an agreeable little soul.
Happily reaches for your hand as they toddle off to get their diaper changed. Willingly offers you their cup or plate when they are all done. Bounces with the utmost JOY when daddy or you come home. Reaches their arms to their trusted care-giver and waves “bye-bye” to you. Loves the family dog with snuggles and smiles and gentle pats.
And then it all seemingly goes amok.
That agreeable little soul? Now they arch their backs and scream at the changing table–it has become the wrestling match to rival all wrestling matches. That cup and plate? Thrown. Tossed onto the floor. Gleefully run away with to just the very place food and drink are not allowed. That delightful bounce and joy when papa or mama come home? Now it is defined by screaming and reaching ever-so-hard towards whomever is NOT holding them. Those simply heart-warming good byes (and hellos!) at daycare? Now you drag yourself away feeling oh-so-guilty for leaving because your toddler is left sobbing in their care-givers arms…and the family dog…poor pooch…ears pulled, tail twisted, back jumped on…those gentle pats? L-o-n-g gone.
Respectful parenting. It can be simple when things go agreeably. Cooperatively. Peacefully. And it can leave a parent over-whelmed and at a loss when things turn tumultuous. And they will. Regularly–because these tumultuous times? They mean NEW GROWTH. And with any new growth, things get out-of-sorts. For our toddler AND for us.
So how does respectful parenting look at these times? Hard to imagine?Here’s what I think. I think it is gentle. Firm. Clear. Consistent. Calm. A few eye-twinkles always :-). A “basic” recipe to follow goes something like this:
*** PAUSE. Take a breath. Find that bit of calm inside of you.
*** Describe what you see and/or heard.
*** Affirm and name feelings.
*** Give clear expectations…or framework for what needs to happen.
*** Give choice(s).
*** Follow through calmly and consistently with the choice made.
A few ideas for you:
“Your diaper needs to be changed. After two more books we are going to head to the changing table.” Clear framework and consistent follow-through–essential.
“It really makes you mad to have to stop and change diapers. I understand. I can wait a moment while you settle down…” Name and affirm feelings–always.
“It’s time to change your diaper. Would you like to hold the wash cloth or (the special toy saved only for diaper changes…)?” CHOICE–an absolute. Even if the choice becomes NEITHER and upset gets even BIGGER, you can move through the diaper change (or diaper wrestle?!) continuing to be that calm person your child needs in order to actually feel safe expressing all his big feelings…and then you get to say, “All done! You really didn’t like it and now you are all dry…”
OR you can try a PAUSE by saying, “You are really upset about changing right now. Let’s take a moment together and look out the window so you can calm down a bit…maybe we’ll see the dog dig-dig-digging next door!” Naming feelings, slowing down a bit and staying connected with a bit of an eye-twinkle…
“I can see you are all done with your cup. I’ll put it up on the counter and down you can get.” OR:
“Uh oh. The cup landed on the floor. Up it goes to the sink, and down you go.” Describing what you see matter-of-factly keeps your child’s attention on just what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. In essence, you are role modeling exactly what you want more of.
“Cups are for holding and drinking–when you are done we put it up on the counter. Let’s go find the balls you CAN throw…” “You are excited to run-run-run! The food stays in the kitchen. Here, let me help you take it to the counter and then we can run-run-run together.” Naming feelings, giving clear expectations, and respecting the energy needing to be expressed and showing them just how to do so—what a way to keep their attention on what IS okay to do…on what cups ARE for…on real learning.
“You really want me to hold you right now (as your toddler screams for you to hold him). My arms are full of the grocery bags. Daddy just got home and is excited to see you–his arms are full with YOU! Can you help him put his car keys in the dish?” Describing, affirming, offering up a choice…and keeping a bit of eye-twinkle at the forefront 🙂 .
“Hmmm…you really are upset. Let me go put the groceries down and then my arms will be ready to hold you.” Affirming feelings and being clear on what to expect--what a way to help a toddler better manage themselves when they know what to expect AND you follow through with just that. Trust is built this way.
“You aren’t ready to say hello to mommy and give her a hug. I can hold you a while longer. While we wait until you are ready, would you like to go with me and show mommy where your special guy is hiding?” As you describe what is happening, you are enriching your toddler with meaningful-to-them language and helping them learn to a bit more how to manage themselves.
“Ouch! It hurts our dog when you pull his ears. We use gentle hands to pet him–like this, see? Ohhhh…I can see you aren’t ready to be gentle. I’m going to take Dog to the other room so he can feel safe…” Feelings! Whether your child’s or the dogs 🙂 And respecting your toddler’s choice to NOT be gentle by keeping Dog safe, too…
“You and I will head downstairs and you can try gentle hands a bit later…” Matter-of-fact result of hard-to-be-gentle hands….respectful as you lead with calm connection.
Here’s the deal–when things get LOUD, uncomfortable, button-pushing, then really it is more about pausing, calming ourselves, and then continuing to step alongside our toddler with the calm, clear, consistent connection they need the most in order to manage the new growth that leaves them feeling so topsy-turvey.
Just think how incredibly comforting it is to know they can count on YOU to keep it together even when they cannot. Just think how safe and secure that feels for a young child (any child!) when in the midst of the turmoil new growth, new experiences, any upset in their lives can cause–they can count on you to be there, helping them do the hard work of growing. Respectfully.
Know without a doubt that your calm, consistent, connected approach will, in time, settle everything down once again. And now? Respect yourself and your inner turmoil and the hard work you’ve just done and are continuing to be presented with by depositing into YOUR self-care account! You matter.
Here’s to you and your toddler!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Connection Rather Than Correction
November 1, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment
A story for you.
A Mama, 15-month old, 3.5 year old, and a quiet event in a large room with one other adult.
Mama and adult were in conversation. 15-month-old HAPPILY engrossed in practicing her newly discovered running. You know, little feet churning forward, balance worked on, distance accomplished. A total delight, as she ran ran ran from one end of the room, to the other, out the door to turn around and run run run right back in with the biggest smile ever. 
Mama quietly delighting, giving her the opportunity to practice “separating” from Mama and being totally in charge of her own body.
3.5-year-old in constant conversation with the other adult, some words understood, others not, but the theme always apparent. The Halloween candy bowl. The SPACE to MOVE in this rather empty room. His job to “go find sissy!” as his little sister ran ran ran out of the room and back in again. The picture on his shirt. The work at peeling wrappers off pieces of candy and finding the garbage can. Talk talk talk. Totally fun.
On and on all the while with Mama and adult also engaging in conversation.
And then 3.5-year-old started upping the ante. Going to find Sissy included extra “hand work”–you know, pushing a bit as he decided to direct her in certain ways. 15-month-old plopped a few times on her bottom, wrinkled her brow, and pushed herself back up to continue HER job of running. Brother upped the ante a bit more–pushing a bit harder. Tears started. 3.5-year-old–being in the “out-of-bounds” stage preschoolers are in–became even more exuberant with his STRONG muscles… 
Okay. This is where it could have totally disintegrated. It could have been Mama getting frustrated, stopping brother, brother ramping it up more, toddler falling totally apart, and ALL conversation (and connection!) lost as a result.
Instead…the other adult? She spotted a low table and engaged with Mr. 3.5 with, “You have STRONG muscles! I can tell your sister doesn’t like how you used them on her. I wonder if they could come push push push this table all the way across the room…?”
Bingo. Mr. 3.5? He took up the challenge. The table was pushed across one way, then turned and pushed again. “Whew!” both the boy and adult said. “You DO have strong muscles!” Mr. 3.5 said, “They are tired muscles, now!”
So plop onto the floor the adult and boy went. “Let’s REST those muscles!” Lying side by side they gazed up at the ceiling. “Look! A balloon is up there!” And their conversation continued, boy resting his body, then his eyes. The other adult joining in along side. Quiet talk together. Mama watching from the side with a smile on her face, not interrupting a bit, giving a lap and a bit of comfort for her toddler.
Soon the rest was complete and the escalation that had occurred was no more. Mr. 3.5 was back to exploring, talking, and being just-right-busy. Mama and adult finished their conversation. Toddler felt ready after the steadying comfort of Mama’s lap and busied herself just as before–run run running.
Delightful. All of it.
What could have melted down was instead
re-directed toward tapping into just what a 3.5-year-old needs–acceptance and acknowledgement of abilities, opportunity to USE those abilities, real and honest connection with another.
This was way less about “correcting inappropriate behavior” and way more about showing an exuberant preschooler just HOW to channel all of his energy. To manage himself in positive, productive ways, rather than be “corrected, directed, and then disconnected” in relationship depleting ways. Toddler, too. It gave a chance for Toddler to know, without a doubt, Mama was there to check in with, feel safe with, and now better manage her own upset over all that “hand work” of Mr. 3.5.
As a result, joy was had, conversations finished and enjoyed, connection felt, respect given. And just a bit more of self-regulation developed (aka, “appropriate behavior”). By both toddler and preschooler.
How cool is that?!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Lessons Learned from a Toddler
August 29, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment
Lessons learned (and delighted in and stressed over) from a toddler:
~ Boxes and tape are way more fun then whatever is inside... Always.
~ When I want the blue cup, no the green cup, actually YOUR cup, but really NO cup, how about those crackers, no not THOSE crackers, I me
an just PUT ME DOWN, I really want UP–it means I really am just w-a-a-a-y over tired…
~If you tell me it is time to get my diaper changed or leave or put on my jacket or get out (or in) of the tub, count on me to probably say NO…but PLEASE help me by meaning what you say and helping me to still do what you say it is time to do…now my world really can make sense…
~ Laps are best when a book is involved...and who says you have to sit still when being read to?
~ Even the littlest thing deserves great scrutiny…including that teeny tiny spider crawling across the floor, the crumb stuck to my thumb, the owie on YOUR hand, or the errant cheerio hiding under the fridge…(that deserves tasting, as well!)
~ ORDER is important! Keep the peas separate from the mashed potatoes, please…and I really do need to know that nap time follows lunchtime on a regular basis and that my favorite stuffed animal or blankie ALWAYS can be counted on to go to daycare with me…
~ MESS is essential! Smooshing the peas into the mashed potatoes makes a wonderful gooey and perhaps yummy (if chosen to be eaten) mess…oh! And how fun it is to lean w-a-a-a-y over and drop the gooey mess PLOP onto the floor and watch my dog slurp it all up…
~ When you say “Bye” to me, leave. Even if I cry. Even if I cling like an octopus or press my gooey nose and drippy eyes up against the window or end up a puddle on the floor. But make sure you come back when you said you would. Now I really can count on you!
~ Who says socks have to go on feet and pants on legs? Be creative! Think out of the box!
~ Puddles are SUPPOSED to be relished with feet, boots, hands, bottoms, dancing, hopping, poking, rock throwing, dog lapping, all things wet and muddy…why else are they there after it rains?
~ Sudsing up hands under warm water and watching the bubbles swirl around in the drain and more bubbles be made as my hands squish together and just getting lost in all this warm water play is a lovely way to spend lengthy time cleaning up…please don’t hurry me!
~ Tears are best met with the comfort of welcoming arms…or just company nearby cuz sometimes I feel MAD at you.
~ JOY is to be shared as ridiculously funny things happen like falling boom on my bottom to my great surprise or watching the waddling porcupine climb up the zoo cage or delighting in the swirling leaves or discovering a page in my favorite book that has you reading and re-reading and me acting it out and talking about it over and over again…with you.
Lessons from a toddler. What have you learned of recent from your little one? Or delighted in? Or been surprised by? I’d love to hear! Including any button pushing moments…of which there can be plenty with our terrific toddlers .
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Parenting Success: Respect Feelings
August 17, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Respect Feelings! And oh so difficult at times . A definite Essential Ingredient for our Parenting Success recipe!
Big, little, LOUD, volcanic, deeply felt, seemingly silly or unnecessary in our eyes. When a child is given the opportunity to FEEL, to have us name their feeling, and give them the safe and respectful place to express it, they can then more likely own it, understand it, and better manage it. 
And when they can better manage their feelings, all kinds of way-cool things can happen…
…self-awareness grows exponentially–ever so necessary to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, who they are, what their place is in the world, what makes THEM tick.
…they feel more in-charge of themselves–now that is empowering for a child! Confident and capable can lead the way because feelings are understood and appreciated.
…compassion for others grows; empathy is right around the corner. What a necessary quality to grow for healthy living. Empathy for another. It begins with us empathizing with them as they FEEL–however loud, big, volcanic, deeply sad, seemingly unnecessary…
...feeling more in control of themselves, they feel more secure. And with feeling more secure, they can now truly do the job of growing. Because growth takes feeling safe, in control, supported, for this growth? It often feels rather tumultuous…
...they can feel stronger from the inside out–truly what I believe we all want for our children. What better way to set them up for navigating hurt feelings, broken hearts, peer pressure to take drugs, have sex, drink and drive (whoa…ever thought about that as you look at your 4-year-old freaking out and you are exasperated as you tell them–“You don’t need to cry! Get over it!”?)
Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.
Things to focus on:
PAUSE. Calm your OWN anxiety, first. Consider for a moment as your child feels deeply, loudly, energetically. Pauses are ALWAYS helpful–and if it is hurtful behavior being shown as feelings are expressed, a pause can become a part of your stepping in quickly via your self-talk, it can be those deep breaths you take as you stop your child, it can be the moment you physically wrap your arms around them to stop the hitting or running or whatever is happening. Need help with this? See my books! Or ask
Name and affirm their feeling: “I can tell you are…” “You seem disappointed.” “It really hurts your feelings…” “That makes you MAD.”
Give choices with what they CAN do with feelings that are over-the-top and needing a more productive direction: “You feel really angry. I will stop you from hurting me. If you need to hit, let’s go hit the couch…pound the floor…”
And always, always follow through with the choices given.
Know that, as you work at staying calm and connected with your child no matter their upset, you are communicating to them they can count on you to keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot. What a way for a child to feel safe and secure even in the midst of a big upset. What a way to grow TRUST in you, in themselves.
Respect Feelings.
A key ingredient and essential for a child to grow well, be in-charge and in control of themselves. To feel compassion and be compassionate. To have the inner self-awareness necessary to truly know themselves and to feel strong from the inside out.
Another essential ingredient can be found right here.
Here’s to you…
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Important Moments in the Day of a School-aged Child
July 16, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Important moments in the day of a school (elementary!) aged child:
Our sincere and present good-byes and hellos…
…as we send our child off to school and welcome them back home. No cell phone in hand, please. The joy of our little rituals–kisses, hugs, high-fives, eye twinkles, “Tell me about your day!”–leave our kids feeling loved, safe, and connected. A wonderful way to head into school ready to learn, out of school ready to re-connect.
Down time!
Instead of moving on to the next scheduled activity, it is the time to kick back, focus on what they feel like–building forts, getting lost in a book, playing with friends, creating an elaborate Lego structure, kickball out
side, swinging high and long. Protecting this time and space is key for a child to grow well.
Playing with friends…
…whether with one or a group, elementary kids are all about friendships. Best Friends Forever, Secret Clubs, “You’re my friend because you like grape popsicles, too!” All those social skills you hope your child will figure out? Here is where they blossom…especially when we stay on the periphery, or out of it entirely. This is their time to discover how to be fair, kind, compassionate, accepting. Hurt feelings abound…and with our compassion and understanding, they can pick themselves back up and try again. Amazingly resilient!
Mealtime with the family…
…whether it is breakfast, lunch, or dinner, coming together with the whole family does more for building positive, healthy relationships then just about anything else. A time to hear their stories, to laugh, to learn good manners. A time to know for sure they belong somewhere. A time to know for sure they are safe, loved, cared for, respected…that mom or dad are truly interested in who they are becoming, what they are thinking about, what they like and don’t like. Respect. What an opportunity.
Games!
With friends or family, game playing absorbs our school-age kids. Board games, card games, pick-me-up kick ball, baseball, capture the flag games. Silly, made-up games, rhyming games, hopscotch, hide and seek, chase and tag. This is an essential part of learning and growing social skills, give and take, how to win or lose, cooperation, physical abilities, complex thinking skills…learning that truly stimulates the brain in amazing ways preparing them for the increasingly difficult academia they will be immersed in. No need for competitive/organized sports–just plenty of time to play non-adult directed (kid-directed!) games.
Our quiet company as they get hurt, feel left out, lose their best friend…
Our willingness to sit alongside them in their upset as they experience any kind of hurt, to show our respect for how they feel, give them our company and our compassion…this is essential for our children. And our willingness to let go of trying to fix it for them is equally key, for now we communicate our confidence in their ability to manage them selves; now they are just a bit stronger for the next round of uncomfortable feelings bound to happen.
Simple moments in the day of a school-age child…moments that are essential for us to provide, be present to, and protect. Know that with your attention to these you are giving your child just what she or he needs to be better able to grow strong, healthy, and well.
Go play a game today! Want to learn more about school-aged kids? Check out this: Elementary Kids!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Important Moments in the Day of a Toddler
July 9, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Important moments in the day of a toddler…
…Filling, dumping, and filling (and dumping again!) just about anything. Your cupboard full of pans, all that laundry you so carefully folded and put in the laundry basket or actually got back into the drawer, the dirt in your garden or potted plant, the mushy peas one at a time into the cup of milk…and out again (uh-oh!). Filling and dumping and digging and pouring is important work…its math work…its understanding the world work. 
…Routines! Bedtime, nap time, diaper time, bath time, story time, meal time, daycare time. The routines you stick to make a world of difference to a toddler. Those 3 books, 2 songs, and back rub for bedtime? The more you stick with it, the easier bedtime can be. Routines toddlers can count on help them feel safe in their world. Safe, secure, and now able to manage better all those LOUD feelings they may have about things. You, too
…Calm and consistent follow through on your part! Oh yes. Toddlers need to know what the rules are, the expectations, the framework. They need to know you are coming back after nap, that they ARE all done with lunch when food starts going other places other than their plate or mouth, that throwing blocks will be stopped, that you really will sing two songs like you said you would. What a difference this makes for them!
…Choices!! And only a few at a time (too many all at once is ever-so-overwhelming!). Like when they get to choose between the red and blue cup, or zipping their jacket or having you help them, or holding hands and march march marching or being picked up and carried. With choices, they feel empowered! In charge of themselves–something key for this age. Independent, oh yes. What a way to help our toddler grow their capable and competent selves.
…Saying NO! And delighting in all that means. And watching how we respond! Nononononononono may mean, “This is a fun word to say and I can say it easily!” to “Look at the attention I get when I say it..” to “NO. I don’t WANT that.” Our job? To keep our eyes twinkling. To be clear, calm, and consistent with what their choices are. To affirm feelings. To be gentle and light-hearted as much as possible. To let those “NO”s be the practice they really are–for your toddler to define his world in his way. Independence at its best.
…Opportunities to be in charge of themselves! We get to decide the food we serve them in bits and pieces, it is their job to work at eating it–messily, poking it, squishing it, mushing it around and spitting it out. We get to set up our home as best as possible for 
them to freely and safely explore in, they get to do the exploring–at their pace, with their ideas, with our quiet observation and affirmation of their work, feelings, struggles, success. We get to let them know it is time to change that diaper; they get to decide how it is changed (a wrestling match? With them holding everything? On the floor…bed…table…standing…lying down…with chase games in-between?)
…Goodbyes and hellos! What an important part of their life. They are working hard at understanding this disappearing act that happens, the concept of here and gone. Confusing, when we adults forget this and just leave. Or sweep them up with no warning to leave. Our intentional letting them know what to expect (those routines, again!), our consistent follow through of what we say, our respect for how they feel about it all (and still get it done, calmly…) is key for them to get a sense of order of it all.
Toddlers! What a time of expanding independence. What a time of incredible growth towards their capable, competent selves.
Our job? Practicing often our ability to PAUSE so we can be calm, clear, consistent in all we do with them. Including letting our eyes TWINKLE. And the Two’s become Terrific!
More toddler antics here: Toddlers! Totally Terrific
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Babies! Capable and Competent from Birth
May 11, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Babies!
Such amazingly capable little souls. They are, in essence, SPECTACULAR!
And it is easy to think our job is to do it all for them and to them–they are teeny, tiny and seemingly ever so helpless. Yet truly they are capable and competent from day one in their own ever increasingly amazing ways. When we look for and recognize this we are truly more able to build a strong foundation for all their healthy growth; we are depositing in little and magnificent ways into the respectful relationship we intend to have.
Did you know babies can:
~ Self-regulate when it comes to feeding? They know, all on their own, whether they are hungry, and when theyʼve had enough. Our job is to respect that.
~ Communicate with clarity when they are uncomfortable. Our job? To ask them what they need, talk them through the solutions, “Are you feeling sleepy? Is it time for your nap? Letʼs go get you ready…” “I can tell you don’t like a wet diaper. Let’s get you changed.”
~ Respond to “Are you ready?” as you prepare to change diapers, wipe faces, pull on clothing—let them know what you need to do, respectfully ask if they are ready, wait a moment, then follow through—and you will discover their active participation in whatever it is. You may be surprised!
~ Clearly let us know when theyʼve had enough of our well-meaning interactions—they turn their heads—and when that doesnʼt work, they may close their eyes, cry, or fall asleep. Our job? Watch…and allow them the opportunity to turn away and decide when they are ready to re-engage. By doing so they wonʼt need to cry or fall asleep to protect themselves from being overwhelmed. Baseline for growing respect. Baseline for growing a child who can be self-directed, tuned into their own feelings, truly KNOW themselves.
~ Hold conversations with you as you respect the give and take—talking, waiting, responding. Captivating! Some of my favorite times with a baby…
~ Move their bodies in just the right ways to develop well. Our job? To provide them with lots of floor time and out-of-containers time to move freely on their own. To roll to their tummy when they can do it on their own, pull themselves up on furniture, push themselves to a sitting position, kick, stretch, reach, grasp, chew—this is their job and they do it well.
~ Know the meaning of many, many words as you tell them stories, sing to them, show them their world—truly creating the foundation of language that is baseline for all their learning. It can be wonderfully surprising when your 9-month-old can point out a chickadee as different from a robin…
What do you notice about your infant that surprises you? What can you do differently as you see him as the capable little soul he already is?
Want to know more about babies? You may like this: How Would YOU Feel…?
Or this: Important Moments in the Day of a Baby
With joy and appreciation,
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Toddlers! Totally Terrific…
May 10, 2018 Ages and Stages, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Toddlers! Totally TERRIFIC. And truly capable and competent.
Oh what an astounding age. If we are slow on the uptake of increasing their opportunities to show how in charge and capable they can be, they will remind us. Over and over and over again until we get it right…or totally lose it…
The key? Including them in the process as much as possible.
Give them the opportunity and choice to:
~ Work on putting their clothes on, whether it’s the young toddler laying their sock over their foot, moving it off, laying it over, moving it off: “I see you are working at putting on your socks!” or the older toddler choosing which shirt to put on and which arm they want to put in first: “You chose the flower shirt! I wonder if you can put your right arm in a-l-l the way.” And then giving them the space and time to try, even briefly if time is of essence.
~ Help up at the counter mixing, pouring, tasting. Toddlers can crack eggs, scoop flour, pour liquids, knead, cut soft things with butter knives. The more you can include them the less likely theyʼll be hanging on your legs crying or whining. If you are doing something they cannot, offer them their own bowl and ingredients to work with—and find it within you to be okay with the mess.
~ Be in charge of their bodies—how they want to move, who or whether they want to hug, when they feel done with wrestling with you. Hear their version of “Stop!” and respect it. And the times you need to do something? “You really donʼt like it when I rinse the shampoo out of your hair. Letʼs do it quickly and then zip you out of the tub to dry off with your great big teddy bear towel. Are you ready?”
~ Do household chores with you—provide a child sized broom, let them push the vacuum, accept their help loading the washer or sorting the socks, give them a sponge and bucket for soaking up messes. Milk spilled? Great fun using a sponge and squishing it out over the sink. Dishes to do? Strip them down, put them on a chair, and give them soapy water and the non-breakables to wash and rinse and wash and rinse and wash and rinse.
~ Find out that you will keep your promise with a twinkle in your eye. Whether it is to stop them from hitting or biting and show them just what they CAN do or that you really will respect the choice they make that you’ve given them–that when you say, “When I am all done washing the dishes we can get the play-dough out” you WILL.
CHOICE!
It really is the key ingredient. All through their day. Choose between changing their diaper before you read two more books or after; between buckling themselves up in their car seat or having help from you; going outside NOW or after snack; wearing socks or staying barefoot; walking or running; singing or clapping; putting ALL the balls back in the basket or just the blue ones. Choices are essential and respecting their choice key. Even when THEIR choice was never part of the deal…”You really want the cookie. It looks yummy, doesn’t it? Let’s put it on a plate and tuck it up on the counter ready for you after you drink your milk or eat your apple…” (the original choice). And you follow through. Calmly. With appreciation for the BIG feelings that may erupt…
The more you can offer up simple choices and follow through, the more likely when choice just can’t be a part of things they will be far more cooperative…maybe. At least YOU will feel better about “having to do it” no matter how they feel, because of all the opportunity you DO give them!
Include your toddler in the process of life—whether dressing, eating, cooking, cleaning, loading in the car, doing errands, understanding feelings.
It is essential for building healthy, strong relationships and self-directed, capable, confident adults.
Toddlers are terrific! If you enjoyed this, you may like: No no NO! I Said NO.
With joy and appreciation,
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Preschoolers! Hang on for the ride…
May 9, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Threes, fours, and fives—WOW!
Hang on to your hat, you are in for a ride! Everything over-the-top, LOUD, fast, bigger- better- stronger. Exuberance to the max. As well as SHY to an extreme…
The growth in these years is astounding and due to this we are often caught trying to catch up with just how capable and competent they are–and if you are having an experience like I did, that “catching up” takes…months, sometimes!
Preschoolers can:
~ Use their imagination and truly pretend. Our job? To give them plenty of lengthy times to play without our direction. Just play—this ability to imagine and create needs time and space to nurture and is essential for optimal brain growth and all future learning. This means with OUT screens…and WITH lots of wonderful open-ended items to play with such as blocks, hats, dirt and sticks and buckets, art supplies, playdough, Band Aids, boxes, and time. Time with no agenda; time to think their own thoughts and try on their own ideas…
~ Express themselves loudly and exuberantly! Rather like a volcano exploding at times (quite often). Giving them the space and opportunity to be loud and exuberant respects this energy in them; steering them gently towards appropriate expression is our job. “I can see you are really, really mad. Letʼs stomp our feet extra hard down the hall and get your mad out!” “Quiet voices are for the library. I can see you really want to use your loud voice. Letʼs head outside and you can be as loud as you want.” Or…”You are really upset. I will stop you from hurting me. I think it is time we took a break so you can calm down…” And show them just what taking a break means.
~ Share! Watch this emerge from turn taking to really playing with another, freely trading back and forth and imagining together. Is it a bit reactive at times? You bet—necessarily so. Sharing comes with feelings of disappointment, frustration, patience, joy. Notice it, affirm it, and do your best to stay out of it. Preschoolers are quite good at figuring things out when adults stay on the sidelines instead of in the mix, “Looks like you both are wanting to use the truck. What can you do about that?”
~ Take care of their bodyʼs needs quite well, from toileting to bathing to eating. Give them lots of opportunity to wash themselves (and do your best to let go of perfection), choose and prepare their own snacks, decide how much of their meal they want to e
at until they feel done. Our job? Ask questions such as, “Would you like help in the bathroom? Let me know if you do.” “You feel full? Okay. Iʼll save your plate in case you change your mind later.”
~ Cook, clean, create. Include them often in meal preparation—show them the recipe, let them measure things, help them stir things in the frying pan; include them in chores—they like to feel a part of what makes a family and home work. Let them fold, mop, sweep, vacuum, sort, scrub. Show them how to work with tools—hammers and nails, screwdrivers, paint—real and meaningful work. Always.
Preschoolers need our calm, consistent, caring interactions; our affirmation and naming of their BIG feelings; our focus on and celebration of their abilities rather than the results of their attempts.
Be amazed by your preschooler! Up the ante on choices and opportunities to be in charge of themselves and watch the magic that can unfold…
Now your child can feel more in charge of his or her self and respected and encouraged by you-and truly empowered!
From this place of empowerment you will discover your job gets easier, your relationship more joyful, family life richer. And now, no matter the ride, you will discover the delight in all things preschooler…even as your buttons are pushed YOUR sense of humor will lead the way a bit more…really!
Celebrate your childʼs abilities today!
With joy and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Elementary Kids!
May 8, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Elementary kids! Busy, busy, busy. You AND them!
Their world opens up and their capable, competent selves settle into a wonderful rhythm.
Your elementary child is ready to:
~ Conquer all forms of game playing! Board games, playground games, made up games. Expect hotly contested ideas, notice how lots of energy is put into the forming of a game or team…and at times never actually played! Your child is taking hold of and getting better at problem solving, creativity, negotiations, understanding and building friendships. Our job? To be sure and give them the time and space and freedom to get immersed in all forms of games (child-led especially in the earlier years…formal team opportunities later…)
~ Manage their schoolwork. This capability builds through elementary years–and is fostered by having an environment conducive to homework and parents able to balance helping and stepping back. Kids want to take ownership of their work and show how capable they can be! Mistakes and all. Our job? To provide the space and time and SNACKS to do the work, be available when help is asked for, encourage and ask questions…and create the healthy balance that at times homework interrupts and displaces…
~ Make mistakes and struggle. No need to fix or rescue! Just be there to walk through the tough experience with them respectfully and with your confidence in them—and watch their capable, competent selves expand in amazing ways. Do so in these years and you help them build the ‘muscle’ necessary for success with harder struggles later. And your muscle at stepping back and walking alongside grows stronger—just in time for the teen years
~ Explore a wide variety of interests at their own pace. A truly industrious period—able to take an idea, formulate a plan of action, and follow through, whether building forts, collecting favorite items, doing a school project, a play they create with a friend. Crafts and games are favorites and exemplify just what they are growing their competence in—independent, creative thought and action.
~ Build real and
lasting friendships. Learning what makes a good friend includes hurt feelings, disappointment, feeling left out…as well as joy, energy, amazing ideas. Sad parts grow compassion and empathy; joyful parts help a child identify what it is they really like in a friendship. Our job? Allow all experiences, for they help grow an individual ready to be a truly great friend to others. And keep our problem solving selves on the side line so feelings really can be respected, felt, figured out
Enjoy them, for in the blink of an eye they will be teens and then adults and off on their own adventures…hopefully still wanting to join YOU in a game or adventure!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Teens! Tumultuous and Terrific
May 7, 2018 Ages and Stages, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Teens—a tumultuous and terrific time!
On the verge of adulthood and incredibly capable and competent…often much to our concern and counter to our well-earned wisdom
Teens need opportunities to:
~ Fly on their own often and take risks. Our job? To manage our own anxiety as they head out on their own with their new drivers license; to bite our tongue as they try something you KNOW won’t work out; to calm ourselves as they flippantly decide the major, end of semester project is a cinch and can be done right before class and then head out to hang with the guys instead.
~ Take increased responsibilities in many areas. Let them experience the result of leaving that end of semester project to the last minute; give them the keys to the car and errands they can run for you; support adventures that may push your window of comfort but seem to spark them—use them as opportunities to help them think through it all and take charge of themselves responsibly.
~ Discover their passions and pursue them. Put aside your own desires and wishes and regrets from your life to give them the space to find out what sparks them the most. Use these passions as opportunities to give increased responsibilities, to let them fly on their own, to give them more acceptable-to-you risks. Be curious and enjoy the surprises as you watch what excites your teen.
~ Build increasingly intimate relationships. Friendships expand to include more intimate couple relationships. Our respect for our teenʼs age and stage can help us give them the framework in which to explore their deepening relationships. Be it car dating no earlier than 16, lots of inclusion of the boyfriend with family activities, or honest talk about the responsibilities of sex, our clear expectations and calm confidence in our teen allows them to have the positive, growing experiences essential for this age.
~ Have meaningful participation with family and community. Our job? To respect the different ways participation can look—from your teen wanting to open up and share just as you head to bed, to doing activities or chores alongside us, to maintaining family time each night. Show them, by your actions, just what meaningful participation can be, from taking time to visit the elderly neighbor, to volunteering in the community, to playing Monopoly with the family.
Teens! Quite the roller coaster. Ups, downs, and times you actually can catch your breath for a moment.
They are on the verge of separating fully from us—and they need lots of opportunities to practice this in order to enter adulthood with the tools they need for success. Discover what helps you stay calm and connected throughout these years so you can be the positive resource your teen needs.
Step back and give your teen the space to develop a healthy sense of self. They are amazing!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
DON’T run, DON’T climb, DON’T whine…
April 15, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
DON’T run; DON’T climb on the table; DON’T touch; DON’T hit; don’t whine; don’t be late; don’t talk to me that way; don’t be so mean; don’t don’t don’t...and they keep on doing.
Frustrated? Exhausted? Worried??
Wondering when they’ll ever LEARN?
Here’s the deal–whatever we focus on we get more of, so choose with care what you say to your child. Make it what they CAN do and you will discover this is what you will get more of.
Ideas for you:
~ “When we are in the store, we use our walking (or tip-toeing or skipping or…) feet. I’m thinking I’m going to march along…how about you?” And then join in alongside...
~ “Okay! Time to be right alongside me so we can be safe as we cross the parking lot…would you like to hang on to my purse handle, my hand, or do you think you can walk right next to me all by yourself?”
~ “When you use your regular voice, I can listen to you; if you need to whine, the whining room is downstairs–when you are done, you are welcome to talk with me!” Or perhaps “I can tell you need something. When you can use your regular voice, I’ll be able to understand how to help you.”
~ “I know it hurt your feelings when your friend said those things to you. I bet it hurt hers, too, when you used unkind words right back. What do you think a friend could do to help in a situation like this?”
~ “Tables are for sitting at. I can tell you feel like climbing! You can climb on the couch if you’d like, or choose to sit on the chair at the table and I’ll get you your crayons…a snack…”
~ “The fragile glass is for our eyes only. Can you see the different colors in it? Let’s use one finger to touch carefully–just like that!” Or maybe, “…the glasses on the shelf belong on the shelf–would you like to choose one of your sippy cups and get a drink?”
~ “We use gentle hands on our kitty–pat-pat she likes that! Do you hear her purring? She’s telling you how good that feels…”
~ “Please be ready to go in 10 minutes–if you need some help getting your things together, let me know!” Or…”Be on time so we can stop at the store for the things you need!” And always–“…thank you for being ready to go.” (whether on time or not!).
~”Hitting me is never okay, it hurts–can you use your words to tell me what you are mad at?” Perhaps followed by “Here’s what you CAN hit in our house–the pillows, the couch, the balloon, the floor–which do you want to hit as hard as you can?” And then join in alongside...
~ “The things under the sink are for mommy and daddy only. You can have the things in this cupboard, if you’d like. Let’s peek inside and see what’s in there…!”
~ “The oven door stays closed when it is hot. You can turn on the oven light, if you’d like, and we can peek through the window together. Oooh! I wonder what we are going to see??”
~ “You know, I can hear you, but your tone is making it difficult for me to really listen. When you can use a respectful tone of voice, I’m ready to listen to you.” And then be ready to accept their attempt at saying things more respectfully…even when it still sounds on the snarky side of things...
What we focus on grows.
Spend more time letting your child know what he can do, what it is you do want. Now they can truly learn in a positive and productive direction with less conflict over time. So often we get into a battle trying to ‘make our child behave’ and this battle? If we paused, considered what we really wanted, then responded to our child based on that–there would be far fewer battles. Instead you’d have an opportunity to help your child learn a little bit more about themselves, about what they can and cannot do, about what is expected and what is their responsibility. Truly a win/win for all.
So choose tod
ay to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”
Fill it instead with your certainty that your child can do what is expected–over time, with your calm, connected guidance leading the way.
Here’s to letting your calm connection lead the way.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam