Children and Families

Category: Children and Families

Respecting How Children Learn

March 16, 2023 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families Comment

What if we taught and parented the way children learn?

What if their days were filled with real life experiences–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body and relationship-based experiences? You know, from helping choose fruit in the grocery store, to waiting in line or for their turn, to curling up in a pile of blankets and tucking their doll in for a nap, to fixing an owie, to navigating upset feelings, to figuring out sharing, to testing how high they can climb or how far they can jump or how tall the blocks can be stacked or how many pieces of play dough make enough pie to share with all their stuffed guys…and even how long they can test-test-test us to see if what we say, we mean and will do

(aka button pushing!)

What would be different if you knew with certainty that your child was getting what s/he needed to grow strong, from the inside out? To be curious, creative, a thinker? To feel confident and content? To be capable and competent? To navigate their days and all the day brings in ways that strengthen them?

What has become quite clear is how little digital devices/screen time help our young children in healthy, growing, learning ways. That more often then not they undermine the very growth we intend for our children. Let’s put them away and break out The Old Stuff.

This Old Stuff? It is TIMELESS. Tried and true. Truly learning-rich. The way children interact with this Old Stuff has their brain firing away, connecting all those amazing neural pathways, it has them thinking, feeling, imagining, creating, problem solving…EXPERIENCING life, their ideas, their capable and competent selves. How cool is that? And oh so simple…

Crayons. Markers. Story books. Paper. Play-dough. Water! Dirt

. Dolls that are simply dolls. Blocks! Legos without directions. Empty boxes! Pots and pans from the kitchen. Oh so much!

So Many Ways To Play!

Thank you to Rae Pica Keynotes & Consulting for a fabulous poster that reminds us how valuable the simple, basic, Old Stuff is for our children’s experiences to be learning-rich.

With JOY,

Alice

Author

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Resilience Matters

March 2, 2023 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

How might your resilience benefit far beyond yourself?

All that we do impacts and influences others. We have a responsibility in this world to take care with what and how we do things.

That can feel like a load, can’t it? And yet…I find that can be freeing and inspiring and energizing. For me, it takes my focus from “woe is me” to a more optimistic approach to any challenge that comes my way. How I choose to navigate a challenge has the power to impact far beyond me. And this matters. So I keep on trying.

What does this require? The recognition that resilience is way less about always being able to handle the hard, and way MORE about allowing and even embracing the natural ups and downs of life. The hard, the sad, the grieving…along with the ease, the positive, the joy. Sometimes they take turns. Sometimes they are part of each day.

For me, in the midst of a loved one’s cancer journey, that means each day can be a combination of tears, laughter, checking out for a bit, intentionally creating bits of self-care. It means recognizing I’m feeling down and sad, even angry…and allowing myself to feel that way rather than work hard at changing it. Rather a paradox, you know, when instead of trying hard to “feel better” you just FEEL…and then feeling better emerges.

Every. Single. Time. (and yes, maybe it takes a long time…)

This kind of resilience is about sharing. Reaching out to the helpers. Being a helper when you can (I so love Mister Rogers! His words always inspire). Knowing that we are all connected and what each of us thinks, feels, and does matters. This kind of resilience supports us as we struggle; lifts us as we take action; connects us deeply.

Strengthening our resilient selves requires awareness of what works for us, what we can do differently or more of. Taking self-care to new and different levels. Allowing others to care for us. Doing caring things FOR others. Recognizing how shared this journey is for each of us–the struggle I’m in is universal. We all struggle. And we all can be a part of what supports each of us to ultimately live well.

How does my resilience benefit others? I hope it is empowering. I hope it has others close to me increasing their awareness of their own inner strength, their own ability to be resilient. I hope it has those in my life tuning within and discovering what they need for themselves, what works for them to navigate the hard.

Mostly, I hope and intend for a better world for our children, grandchildren, and beyond. A world in which we strengthen our ability to PAUSE, to respond to any of the difficulties with calm, clear intention, allowing for real, positive, meaningful change to occur.

“Through the hard comes real and meaningful connection.Respect. Appreciation and gratitude. Love. Kindness. Growth. Rarely easy. Often messy. Downright scary at times. Loss is a part of this. Compassion comes from it.” (Alice Hanscam)

Resilience.

You may enjoy this piece of mine: “How We See the World IS Our Responsibility”

Or this: “Our Response Matters”

With JOY,

Alice
Author
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

It’s All About Relationship

June 29, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I found myself talking with a mother of three the other day. All that she shared is very much what I and many of my colleagues hear constantly.

We are overwhelmed when it comes to managing, balancing, understanding our children’s online exposure. And we are very, very worried. Exasperated, too. Throwing in the towel, looking the other way, or rolling up our sleeves and diving in–probably with a lot of emotional reactivity involved. Because we are overwhelmed.

It’s one thing to limit device time. But what about all the rabbit trails, inappropriate and scary trails our children are exposed to as they, perhaps purposefully or accidentally view, say, porn or a really scary video clip, step into social media bullying, or a You Tube that really was never meant for them?

HOW do we manage and balance all of these unknowns that are increasing in seemingly infinite ways?

HOW do we parent well, keep our children safe, control usage and exposure, say NO to video games, feel confident our schools are supporting this endeavor to lessen screen time…and on and on?

It’s exhausting.

We can go round and round about Apps for security, turning off wifi, controlling everything our children do, blocking this, blocking that, spend hours learning about how to block this and block that. Then find out our child got involved in unhealthy online activity at a friends house, or on the playground, or at lunch with buddies, or as they scrolled through their Smart Phone in the backseat of the car. No wonder we are overwhelmed.

Really, what CAN we do??

Focus on relationship.

Here’s the deal. No matter the extent to which you find ways to control, limit, balance all things digital and the rabbit trails awaiting any of us as we go online, it’s going to happen. Our children ARE going to be exposed to less than wonderful things. They ARE going to get upset, scared, hurt. In some ways, this has always been a part of growing, prior to being engulfed by screens. It is different now, though, for the engulfment has opened up the world and our children really aren’t developmentally READY for all of that. And it is nearly impossible to be the filter for it all that we’d like to be.

So we need to focus on our relationship. THIS we can control.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

They need to KNOW we will be right there, alongside them, listening, exploring, helping them process their feelings in healthy ways. Not punishing. Not yelling. Not hiding under the covers. Not grabbing their device and refusing to ever let them on it again.

Instead, we need to be WITH them. Listening. Sharing our concerns, as well. Sharing what we know and see and understand about too much too soon. Brainstorming what can help, what they feel they need and want to do. Be there. Calmly. Respectfully. Connected.

THIS is how children can take the overwhelming confusion and perhaps fear and (eventually) move through it in healthy ways. It doesn’t take away what they were exposed to, but with YOU as the safe, secure, compassionate resource for them, they can more likely do the processing and letting go necessary to move forward.

Any challenges in life, when dealt with within a healthy, close, loving relationship can be better navigated and more likely in the healthy ways we want the most. How WE decide to be as our child struggles is where we can influence our relationships.

We can…

…Focus first on ourselves, PAUSE (deep breath? A bit of time?), calm down our anxiety as much as possible, consider just what you really want (beyond all of this to go away!) for your child, your relationship, and THEN step back in and respond to your child. It really does make a difference, even when you find yourself doing or saying things you wish you could back track on; have a do-over for. Just the fact they are being said from a calmer, more respectful place keeps you more likely connected to your child in relationship-building ways.

…Listen, first and foremost following your PAUSE. “Tell me more” is a great way to begin your listening. Affirm their feelings. Ask them questions. Explore together what you (and they) are learning about online activity, screen use, its impact on our well-being. Consider steps you can take. Try out ones your child suggests. Be gently firm with your “no” when you need to say NO. Remember, you are the parent and saying NO is necessary at times to help your child figure out more about who s/he is.

...Take a look around your home environment and be sure exposure to devices and online activity reflects what you truly want for your child. This means taking a careful look at how you use devices, too. Our children are watching.

…Seek to understand more about what research and experts are saying. Explore what is available for filtering carefully what your kids are exposed to.

…Talk to other parents! Build your community of families who are also working hard at creating a healthy emotional and physical environment for their children–I’ve met many who have connected with parents of their kids’ friends, shared concerns, swapped ideas, and ultimately worked together to send the same messages to all their children–and it changes how those children then connect, play, live. Support is essential.

…Re-discover all your children CAN do instead of defaulting to screens. Ideas include all kinds of arts and crafts (simple and complex), beading, painting, playing music, disappearing into their room to re-organize and sort, listening to audio books, reading, redecorating their rooms, make cards and write letters, BAKE–hand a school aged child a cookbook and say GO, knit, crochet, build things, go OUTSIDE, bike, build forts, play cards, play games–board and outdoor ones, sit and daydream, pull out the Lego box…so MANY things can be done besides handing them your phone to entertain them. Yes, even in the car.

…Notice when you feel really good about your relationship with your child–those times that leave you smiling, feeling a full heart, delighting in time spent, knowing without a doubt you’ve connected with your child in a meaningful way. Notice. What we focus on grows–so let your noticing of these times encourage you to do MORE of whatever you’ve discovered about those times.

We may never be able to feel fully confident about how our technology driven life-styles and world is influencing us.

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

This is the magic of TRUST. When your child can trust that you will be there to help her navigate all things in life in a calm and connected way, you now are more likely to find balancing and managing all things screens to be way less overwhelming. For everything you do will be run through the filter of RELATIONSHIP and your child will more likely make healthier, more productive, often way more FUN choices in life.

Because they have YOU.

Be sure to check out the Screen Time Action Network for all kinds of incredible support, community, experts, guidance!

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What TO Do Instead of a Screen?

June 20, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 4 Comments

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

You hear it from me and many, many others. And it is very real–the delay in cognitive development, the lagging behind of language acquisition, the brain development that is displaced, delayed, discouraged, the lack of ever-so-key self regulation, of managing in healthy ways all those feelings in life.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

You know what I’m truly concerned about? How to help each of YOU, who perhaps have come to rely on screens to distract and entertain as you, exhausted, sick, feeling like you are drowning and with no extra moment in your day what-so-ever, have relied on a screen so you can at least…

...breathe for a moment. Cook a meal. Use the bathroom by yourself. Talk with someone. Think. Sleep. Feel relieved because your child isn’t crying, screaming, hitting, driving you nuts. Drive safely. Arrive in one piece (more or less…. 🙂 ). Catch up on the overwhelming pile of laundry. Get dressed for work. DO work. Maybe even have a bit of adult conversation? With your partner?

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago (okay, maybe 20 or 25…), the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

And I can remember so much of what we DID do, instead of “relying” on TV, as we needed to find the time, space, relief in order to keep things going in our family. It is these I’d like to share…for I’m thinking many of you don’t have them in your repertoire because you’ve grown up with screens being the default. With so much information coming out about the detriment of screens for our young (and older!) children, how do you accomplish the seemingly impossible and only use screens minimally?

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

…Try putting your upset baby or toddler into a backpack and onto your back while you cook dinner or tend to other things that need two hands. Now they are close to you, you can talk and sing a bit, offer them a snack, reach up and touch them. All the while taking care of work around the house. Connection. It can be made in many ways and it speaks volumes to your little one.

…Spend those first minutes home from work and daycare on the floor with your little one(s). Maybe shedding outdoor gear together. Maybe just staying quiet and watching them re-connect with home. Maybe stretched out on the floor with them climbing on you. Or reading a book together or staying out in the yard for some fresh air before you even head into the house.

Those minutes? Fully present to your little one? It answers their need for your connection during this transition. It buys YOU time afterwords, for they will more likely be calmer and engaged with helping you or exploring their books and toys. When they can count on a fully present parent helping them, first and foremost, with their transition home after a long day, those transitions become smoother. And THIS can give you the time you need.

…Have healthy snacks in the car for pick up after daycare and en-route home. That way your little one won’t be so hungry and at the end of their rope upon arrival at home. We always had apples, raisins, cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, yogurt…something easy to eat while tucked in a car seat. Yes, it can leave mess behind. Yet what a small price to pay that made our transition home go so much more smoothly. Now hunger wasn’t a part of it all AND what they ate was good for them, so I was less concerned about “ruining dinner.”

…Trying desperately to wrap up some work? A call? An email? Again, start with a moment of real connection. Sometimes just a few minutes of your full attention, asking your little one what they need, engaging with them is all it takes to give you the space you need to wrap up your work. And if they still are upset and you KNOW their physical needs have been met? Then let them know you hear them, they can stay near (maybe up in that backpack on your back!), and when you finish, you will tend to them once again. And then you do. Always keep your promises.

…In the car stuck in traffic or on a longer road trip? Oh the simple games to engage them with! What is seen out the window, in the sky; what they can anticipate at the NEXT stop sign, if they can see-see-see the scoop shovel dig-dig-digging. A snack to eat, a song to sing, books to look at. Play music! Or…just be quiet and let your child be upset as you breathe breathe breathe.

…Get creative with play–Let your toddler have a bowl, spoon, flour, and a bit of water to mix. Or maybe a few cheerios and water. It really doesn’t take much to provide your child with something they often find ever-so-captivating. At least for a moment or two. Sometimes up at the counter next to you with these same items or a squishy sponge or even just a cup of their own to drink is the connection they need while you tend to your responsibilities next to them.

We liked to fill a saucepan with a few kitchen items–measuring spoons and cups for instance–then on went the lid, down we plunked it in the middle of the kitchen floor and then I could turn back to tending the dinner.

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

Putting a blanket over the table or a pair of chairs and hiding a favorite stuffed toy and a few books underneath caught my daughters’ attention immediately. As did lining up a few of their toy animals in a parade underneath that blanket.

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

A favorite for many is putting music on–what you can sing to, soothing if necessary, or to bop around the house getting things done. Or try an audio book for your child to tune into…and for you to talk about, too, as you move about the house.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Letting go of various stages of MESS (or getting extra amazing at choosing things that leave no mess!). Simplifying meals. Being okay in Big Feelings. Being tired and knowing it really is temporary. Maybe a long temporary, and still temporary . It requires you to trust yourself, your child, the chaos for what it is–just chaos. It asks you to take MANY deep breaths. Many.

The cool thing? With your attempts to minimize screens, you will discover it can get easier. Easier because your children are more in charge of themselves, tapping into their creativity and imagination, feeling in connection with YOU, learning and growing and managing all their feelings in healthy and productive ways. And as our kids grow these abilities, our job actually gets easier because they become increasingly independent in amazing and necessary ways. Our children are growing well.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. A valuable resource for you is the Children’s ScreenTime Network. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All Your Kids Are Sick…

May 19, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care, Self-help Comment

All the kids are sick. Goopy noses, coughing, crying, can’t sleep, neither can you. You have guests landing at your house soon, are trying to work around what initially seemed like a small remodel of the kitchen, the dog got into the garbage AGAIN, there is no peeling the cling-ons your kids have become off your legs AND you feel exhausted. Overwhelmed. Running on empty. Chaos, yuck, craziness rules the roost. Oh–and remember, you HAVE to go to work, the grocery store, the doctor’s office–probably more than once.

You are feeling awful. Exhausted and overwhelmed. Guilty for letting your kids just do whatever because it is all you can do to manage everyone’s illness and ‘regular’ life. Cereal and treats and videos and sleeping with you and, well, getting whatever they want so your sanity can prevail. Maybe.

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

And let me appreciate YOU for a moment, because I know how impossible it is to see through all of this yuck to what really can help you feel a bit steadier, calmer, okay no matter what is swirling around you.

Let me appreciate…

…your resilience. You are still in the game despite (or because of) all this chaos. You don’t feel this resilience I see, yet let me be clear–you have it and are using it. That is WHY you are still in the game.

…your deep care and compassion you have for your kids even as they wipe their noses on you, add 50 pounds of weight to your legs, cry constantly, keep you awake tossing and turning, fight and melt down. It is because of the deep care you have that you are still in the game. Even if “in the game” means hiding under your covers for a while as your kids are plunked in front of a movie.

…how you let go of what seemed like “have tos.” Your ability to let go of a well rounded meal, getting to work on time or at all, having a clean(er) house, your promise to never over-do screen time, getting a real night’s sleep.

This letting go? Yes, it is due to you feeling like you have NO control over any of it, yet I “see” someone who is clear on what needs to be the reality for right now. Someone who, by letting go, has been able to go with the flow a tad more, answer their children’s needs in the moment, stay present to the here and now. All things to appreciate. All things absolutely necessary to moving through the chaos well–in time.

…that retreat into the bathroom with doors locked. Just for a few minutes for the much needed RELIEF you need. You may see it as a retreat, as “I can’t handle this!” I will re-frame it as an essential Self-Care Deposit. A PAUSE that has you more likely stepping out after a few moments with just a tad more patience, resilience, maybe even a creative idea for what can happen next.

…YOUR feelings. All of them. Your guilt, your anxiety, your upset. Let me appreciate these, for I know it is hard for you to do so. We so often feel we are supposed to NOT feel this way. That it means we are, somehow, less of a good parent for being mad, guilty, anxiety ridden. Let me appreciate for you, right now, the whole and wonderful being you are that feeling all these feelings represents. Whole and wonderful.

…your humor! Sarcastic or not, that laugh you had as everything and one melted down around you? It is a gift and a strength. Use it. See it. Find it. A little humor can go a l-o-n-g way when everything else is a mess.

Okay. So you STILL are a wreck and so are your kids. But tell me, how does it feel to be appreciated despite (or because of) all this chaos? Can you really own this appreciation or are you still rolling your eyes at me? No matter, I don’t mind.

I will keep putting these appreciations out to you, for what we focus on grows. Maybe later, after everything settles for real, you will find yourself reflecting on my words. Or maybe you feel a bit relieved right now to know that things really are working in the midst of all the yuck. Either way, I appreciate your work to parent as well as you can through the hard.

And I hope you might feel steadier. Calmer. Stronger–-at least a bit. Or just steadier. We can leave it at that. Because what a difference that can make as life swirls around you–to feel steady in the midst of it all. Or steadier for the next round of chaos. What a way to help a child settle more quickly, a Big Upset to be valued and appreciated. What a way to let a little light-hearted-ness step in and step up.

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

When BIG Feelings Erupt: Story Time!

May 14, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

You know those LOUD, often whiny or disrespectful tones of voices, the mad and sad and over-the-top glad that has you feeling exhausted, frustrated, equally mad and sad and over-the-top glad? The BIG feelings you just wish would go away?

A parent recently shared her frustration over her 8-year-old son and all the BIG feelings erupting…and her desire to feel far calmer and more content in all things family.

Her story–just one example of what seemed to fill her days–was how her son the other day FLIPPED OUT over thinking he wouldn’t get the treat promised him because the coffee shop they went to for the treat only had one left and his younger sister loudly proclaimed “It’s MINE!”

Mom found herself reactively scolding her son to “Cool your jets!” and “Use a polite voice!” Totally understandable–just think, in a small and busy coffee shop, all eyes upon you, and all you want is to get your child to STOP.

Yet her intent to get him to be quieter and more polite done from this reactive place actually stirred things up even more and left them feeling all rather crummy.

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

She knew she wanted to do it differently. She knew she COULD do it differently and in a way that was relationship building.

Talking together had us walking through a do-over (essential for practicing and strengthening yourself), with calm connection and feeling content leading the way. Mom began thinking about what she could do the next time an eruption occurred (possibly not long after we finished our conversation…).

She was clear that she wanted to respectfully help her son learn to manage his feelings–always what big feelings gives us the opportunity for, guiding our kids in such a way they can learn more about how to express all the feelings that pour out of them.

Here’s what she realized:

…PAUSE, first and foremost, and breathe. Think, “calm connection” and “I have an opportunity to help him through this respectfully…” Encouraging self-talk is a strength to rely on. It makes a difference.

…Affirm his feelings, “Wow. You are super upset! Do you think you can’t have the treat I promised you?”

…Ask questions, “Ahhh. I see there is only one treat left here…I get it. There are TWO of you–and boy, your sister sounds like she really, really wants it all to herself! Hmmm…do you guys have some ideas for figuring this out?”

...Give a clear framework, “What a good idea, you two can split it (or we can head to another coffee shop). When you are feeling calmer and ready to use your regular tone of voice, we will do this!”

...Stay lighthearted as best as possible

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

And believe it or not, that initial embarrassment over a public fit? It dissipates. Your focus is on yourself and your child rather than all the eyes you initially felt were upon you, connection is encouraged and often maintained, and you can feel good and proud of yourself for how you handled it all.

To heck with embarrassment! Now you’ve just role-modeled for all what respect looks like no matter how your child decides to behave .

This mom? She took herself through this mental do-over with a great big AHA feeling all the way through. This she knows she can do, for she has done it many times before…it just takes practice and a pause. She knows how her son responds so much better when she is calm, clear, and connected. She has seen how naming and affirming feelings goes a long way for her son to feel relieved, heard, and more in control of himself. And she knows, because she has ‘been there,’ that she CAN stay calm even if her son still decides to flip out.

What a difference that can make.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Start with a PAUSE when you find yourself in one of THOSE situations. Focus on the calm connection you intend, on the successes you have had. And then tell me what you notice is different. I think you will like what you see, for what we focus on grows. And check out either or both my books to help you along…

Here’s to BIG feelings and the power of PAUSE!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Babies and Toddlers: Scientists Extraordinaire

May 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“Do we want our toddlers to learn how to use simple math and language symbols, or do we want them to truly understand mathematical concepts, develop their higher learning skills, be deep thinkers and creative problem solvers…

Any time we interrupt what an infant or toddler might be working on to “teach” him, we discourage focus and attention span. Attempting to plant seeds of knowledge in our babies inadvertently plants seeds of doubt. How can our child believe that the activities he chooses are valuable, when we signal that we want him to do something more…or different?” (How To Help Your Baby Become A Math Genius (Or Not), Janet Lansbury)

I truly appreciate Janet Lansbury‘s work. This one being the most recent I’ve immersed myself in. What stands out to me is the difference between “using a skill” and “UNDERSTANDING a concept.”

I remember when we paused with our second daughter–considering putting her Kindergarten at age 6, rather than as a brand new 5 (her birthday fell right at the school district’s cut-off date for entering Kindergarten.) With my husband being an elementary teacher, and me being an early child development professional, we both knew in our gut that waiting might be best. Yet we still explored…

And what our elder daughter’s Kindergarten teacher said was something to the effect of second (and third and on) children tend to SEEM ready “earlier” due to being exposed to their older sibling’s experiences. So they often knew how to USE a skill–they’ve watched and copied and been immersed in their older sibling’s experiences. But their understanding and the necessary deeper comprehension wasn’t there yet. They could recite numbers and letters, for instance, but were less likely to KNOW what those numbers and letters truly represented and meant.

It was this that gave us the go-ahead to PAUSE and give our younger daughter the time SHE needed to explore her world at her own pace.

Math. Oh there is so MUCH our little ones are learning and absorbing just as Janet speaks of! All on their own as they test, explore, touch, taste…and what an added bonus when, as we head up the stairs with them, we find ourselves counting each step. Or describing just what size portion they are getting–“I cut you 3 apple slices! One. Two. THREE!” Noticing out loud how they dumped ALL the blocks out of the box and are now plunking in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

When we step back and let them work those puzzle pieces in they are learning all about shape, geometry, size. When we give them a cup or two in the bath tub and they practice pouring and dumping and filling they are learning all about quantity and physics and more.

The smooshed peas added to their oatmeal? Chemistry at its best!

A ball rolling rolling rolling…and then rolling back and forth with you? Kinesthetics. Physics.

Baby studying the wheel on a toy…and discovering how to make it go round and round? Physics!

Block building? Oh so much! Numbers. Quantity. Balance. Cause and effect. Gravity! Physics, math, science science science.

The more we can respect PLAY–aka exploration, discovery, trial and error, problem solving–the more we are supporting our little one’s optimal growth. How cool is that?

Babies and toddlers and preschoolers are Scientists Extraordinaire. We just have to get out of their way and quietly observe. Engage appropriately by naming and describing what they are experiencing. Provide a rich and varied environment (and this doesn’t need to be bought toys!) Think paper bags. Boxes. Scarves. Kleenex boxes with various lids tucked inside. Spoons! Pots and pans…oh so much just around the house that adds to that rich and varied environment.

I so appreciate Janet’s work. Here’s a piece from me that may delight you “Important Ways To Play Toddler Style.”

Enjoy your day today! Let it be the brain building one for your child it can so easily be .

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

That Scary Vacuum Cleaner

April 29, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

To be allowed to finish your cry…

How essential for all things relationship-building. Something I wrote earlier after being inspired by Teacher Tom‘s article. Go check that out right here. There’s a story to share, to give more attention to, hence creating an article just for it.

A Mama. A vacuum cleaner. A young toddler. And BIG feelings.

There’s a Mama I know whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over the vacuum cleaner and its LOUD noise. You know, all those times you work at getting the house a bit cleaner, swiping the dust cloth here, collecting the toys there, washing dishes and bathrooms and yourself whenever you get a moment? Well…up until recently vacuum cleaning was nary an issue with her little one and could be (more or less) easily done at any time…until now.

Mama responded immediately to her little guy’s upset, turned off the vacuum and went quickly to him, intent on gathering him up in her arms to help him settle. Mama was devastated when, instead of burying himself into her body to sob and calm, he pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite Mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t immediately comfort him, she paused.

She sat herself down across the room from him and waited respectfully for him to finish his cry.

As she waited, with tears streaming down her face (oh how our heartstrings are tugged!), she found her self quietly talking to him as he hunkered down in a corner of the room away from her. She named his feelings, affirmed his upset, and eventually–maybe for her own comfort, as well–started to sing.

Her little guy? Her singing reached him. He paused a bit in his Great Big Cry…then up he rose from his corner, and toddling as fast as his little feet could carry him he crossed the floor to fling himself into her arms and finish his cry. Mama gratefully comforted her son and, as she held him snuggled in her arms, she realized what a gift she had just given him.

Her gift? An opportunity for him to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm even though he couldn’t, and connected–even from a distance. What a way to feel safe and secure. What a way to communicate respect for how he felt and how he chose to manage himself.

What a way to soundly deposit into a close, caring, respectful relationship. So much learned by both Mama and her young toddler! And this Mama? She just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset in relationship-building ways.

What an important story. What a way to allow both involved to finish their cry. What a way to say, “I have confidence in you. I respect you.”

When we can grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit quietly and respectfully in another’s discomfort it becomes a real gift for all. Today, when your heart is tugged hugely over your child’s Great Big Cry?PAUSE. Give your child the choice in how to be comforted, in what they feel they need. Give them the respect of your understanding company no matter the tears streaming down your face. Let your pause create the pause they need to gather themselves and feel the connection with you that has them learning, growing, thriving.

Then go take care of YOU so you can “finish your cry” as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

You are not responsible FOR your child…

April 22, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

You are not responsible FOR your children.

Stay with me, here. I know this raises a few eyebrows! All that I’m about to share comes from my growth through reading and presenting what I found to be one of the most positively impactful parenting books I’ve come across– ScreamFree Parenting, by Hal Runkel.

If you are responsible FOR your children, then you need to start right now in getting them to think, feel, and behave in the ‘right’ ways.

When they make a mistake, struggle, hurt another–if you are responsible FOR them, then you need to somehow fix their mistake, stop their struggle, make them be gentle and kind. All good, important, even necessary things for us to want for our children.

When we are responsible for our kids we are
trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

And yes, it may be a benefit to them to think, feel and behave as we’d like–we are the older and wiser person here. And we certainly don’t want our kids to 1) make the same mistakes we did because it really was painful for us, 2) make any mistake that might leave US in an awkward or upsetting position, and 3) do it differently from us because we do know better and are right. Right?

We care deeply for our children. We want the best for them. Hence, this really can be way more about our anxiety. Our attempt to get our child to think, feel, and behave a certain way (our way) often ends up undermining our relationship–never what any of us intend; it often ends up creating a LOUD and button-pushing household (often just what we are trying to avoid!), and certainly doesn’t help grow a child who can be responsible for themselves. Why should they, if we keep taking responsibility for them?!

What does being responsible FOR your child look like? Nagging, yelling, threatening, cajoling, avoiding, bribing…things we all do at times and I know I still catch myself doing (yep, even with adult children…:-)): “If they’d only…then I wouldn’t have to…” “Man! If I can get them to just listen to me then they wouldn’t have to (be hurt, embarrassed, fail…).”

We step into this ‘responsible for’ place because now we can or want to feel like a good parent, less embarrassed, in control, relieved…and NOT taking responsibility for them in the moment often means now dealing with our feeling like a failure, thoroughly embarrassed, totally anxious, even heartbroken. Never a whole lot of fun, and often very difficult–managing our own feelings. Hence our inclination to jump in and take responsibility for them…

It can sound like “Cut it out or I’m going to lose it!” “Ok, ok, you can have another cookie, just stop whining.” “If you’d only listened to me you wouldn’t be having this problem!” “Here, let me do it for you. It’s too hard. I don’t want you to mess up…”

It may be doing whatever it takes so they’ll get straight A’s and we can feel “I’ve done my job well; I have a smart kid; I’m a good parent; they’ll be sure to head to a good college.” Whew. Wouldn’t that make things easier? It may be doing whatever it takes to stop them from throwing a fit so you don’t feel embarrassed and instead feel in control. Ever tried making a tantruming preschooler stop? Exhausting and rarely on OUR preferred timeline :-). Or how about a tantruming teen? They are even tougher to try to make stop…

Here’s the deal.

What our kids’ ‘hear’ when we are busy taking responsibility for them is we do not have confidence in their abilities to learn and manage themselves; we cannot handle how THEY feel or behave.

Talk about rocking their world–to have the most mature person unable to handle the least mature one’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.And this often leaves US reacting in less than wonderful ways. “If they’d only get over it…cut it out…quit feeling so mad…stop all that blubbering!” Or maybe we are doing just the opposite–doing whatever we can to make them feel happy again, or doing whatever we can to make sure they don’t fall down, get hurt, lose…anything so they’ll be okay.

As a result a child may act up and push even harder to have a bit of control over their lives. Or maybe now they really don’t NEED to manage whatever the problem or struggle is, because we are so busy (and probably simultaneously complaining about) doing it for them–compliance can look this way. Or maybe they learn that treats are how to feel happy again…or perhaps never learn how to manage disappointment or an injury because we’ve always been there to rescue them, make it all “okay.”

Or maybe we are so mad because we can’t successfully get them to do what it is we want them to do or how to do it or how to feel about it that our child hides out of fear…or gives in just to (hopefully) get us to quit being so upset. Compliance can look this way, too. Crazy, isn’t it, when you think about this? And part of so many relationship struggles in our lives. Truly relationship depleting and exhausting. We do it as parents, and we do it in our marriages and friendships, too. Yes, I STILL do it, though, thankfully I’ve tipped the balance towards being responsible TO.

However…even as we are not responsible FOR our kids, we DO have tremendous responsibility as parents.

We are responsible TO our children.

We are responsible TO them for how we structure their environment–both physically and emotionally; for how we understand child development, ages and stages, their needs and how we answer those needs; and perhaps most importantly…we are responsible TO them for how WE think, feel, and behave.

When we act responsible TO our children, we are focused first on ourselves (via a PAUSE, quite often!), we are in charge of how WE think, feel, and behave rather than putting all our attention on how our children are doing the same; we take care of our own anxious feelings so those feelings are less likely to ‘lead the way’ in situations–which, with anxious feelings calmed down, leads to way more relationship building interactions. Even when that interaction is a NO.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we
decide to be, to feel, to act.

Now we have an opportunity to be in a position to positively influence our children to learn on their own and to motivate themselves to make healthier choices. To take responsibility for themselves. Key for growing well and into a healthy adulthood.

Now our children ‘hear’ our confidence in them, our respect for how they think and feel…they can now count on us to keep it together no matter what they do. This is where trust is built and respect nurtured…and this is how children can learn through the years to take responsibility for themselves.

You are responsible to your child. To be the adult they need you to be, to understand and trust in who your child is becoming, to give them real opportunity to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do…to grow optimally.

PAUSE. And step back today and consider first if the way you want to react is based on anxious feelings, on trying to get them to behave the ‘right’ way…or if you can instead calm your own anxiety, appreciate your deep love and concern for them, and then look at the person you are growing and intending to grow, and respond in such a way they can take a little more charge of their own selves and feel capable, respected, trusted.

This parenting deal? It is a huge, difficult, incredibly rewarding growth process for all involved. Keep your attention on what you want the most–self-directed, responsible, awesome future adults and caring relationships based on trust and respect. Easier said than done and it all begins with awareness. You can do it.

Let a PAUSE lead the way.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Digital Wellness in an Era of Distraction

April 11, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Digital Wellness. Essential for parenting and living well. Heads up–a bit of snarky voice (initially) to follow…I hope you’ll stay with me…:

Not a big deal, right? I mean, you still glance up from your phone and smile and say, “Good job!” as your child seeks your attention as they work at something difficult or fun.

And hey, Baby is nursing away–seems like a good time to check your texts and scroll through your Facebook account. Baby is suckling away and you DO nuzzle that adorable chubby hand that finds its way up to your face.

Getting caught up in general on your phone while giving your kids the opportunity to roar around at the park makes sense, too, right? I mean, hey–they really don’t NEED you…

And isn’t it incredibly awesome how your 9-month-old knows just how to swipe your cell’s screen to change pictures?! Boy, he already knows how to work with technology!

Oh! And the App says, “Promotes Creativity in Children.” Perfect. Creativity, we all know, is essential for healthy brains. On the iPad your little one goes to manipulate pictures, watch, swipe, choose from pretty icons, squeal as it flashes “Good job! You did it right!” Or some such approval.

Okay. YES. I’m being a bit snarky. I apologize for the snarky. Every single one of the above examples we have all experienced/done in one way or another. Often, probably. Myself, included–not so much when I was a young mother since we didn’t have these devices, and definitely more so in recent years. And we do the above more so now because devices have become increasingly essential for so much of the work we do and life we live. AND…I stand by what I’m going to say next. Fully.

Our attention to our devices and the times

our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,

and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,

and emotional development.

They are undermining real and foundational learning that can translate to a child through the years having increased difficulty in school, with friends, with you, with life.

Parenting can get more difficult, you can feel greater anxiety, and yes–there is a higher likelihood for your child to experience emotional crises come teen years. Look at the research. Anxiety, depression, and suicide have rocketed up these recent years for our teens. Scary, I know.

Stay with me here.

Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional

experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.

I know this sounds both scary and perhaps maddening–you already work so hard at parenting well! I ultimately want to empower you for that is what will really start making the positive difference necessary. To empower you to become increasingly Tech Intentional so digital wellness thrives in your family.

Your Baby happily nursing while your eyes are on your phone? Baby is learning little about the natural give and take of facial expressions–truly early “conversation.” And this lovely give and take that I KNOW you are familiar with–those times you gaze at that busily nursing baby, their eyes flick open and catch your eyes. You pause. They pause. A milky smile spreads across their face. Their hand reaches up to touch your face. You continue to gaze and twinkle and talk softly–those times?

They are ESSENTIAL.

This is how a baby starts growing that strong foundation for the future. For giving them the emotional resilience and understanding necessary to navigate all ups and downs in life. For all things RELATIONSHIP. For feeling wonderfully safe and secure and able to explore their world, your face, your variety of expressions and begin to process them.

Without this connection? When it is regularly displaced by attention to a phone? It builds at best a shaky foundation from which your then older baby and young child cannot process what they need in order to understand their world. Because it is on top of a foundation weakened from too little practice with all things essential for young children.

Life is already difficult. Adding this layer of distraction makes it overwhelmingly difficult.

Your 5-year-old totally immersed in markers and paper who then pauses to show you or comment about something on his paper and you are focused on your phone…look up and say a random “good job!”? You are communicating–unintentionally–disconnect. Your child? He is learning only that his work is either “right” because you said, “good job!” or that his work isn’t important because you totally missed the boat with “good job!”

Instead, with your presence–even as you perhaps clean up the dishes while he is working with markers and paper–your ability to really hear what he says, or recognize (because you are tuned in as you bustle around the kitchen, unlike our brains on a phone–less able to tune in to those deeper needs) that he is frustrated or hopeful or expressing real MAD as he draws…

…now you actually respond in a way that makes

sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m

curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now

you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”

And you really do.

That time at the park? It can be a wonderful time to actually connect with other parents. Or not and find time to just think your own thoughts. Our brains do well with this AND stay tuned in and aware of our kids periodically looking our way for understanding, bolstering, comfort. And they do–often–look our way. Being tuned into that speaks volumes to a child. Volumes. It is how they continue to strengthen their inner selves, their emotional resilience. And it strengthens our relationships with our children.

That App that “Promotes Creativity?” Again–screen time does NOT fire away the neurons in the brain in the rich and necessary way for healthy growth. What does? Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based exploration. Exploration that allows them to use their OWN ideas. Not the movie Frozen’s idea. Not Star Wars ideas. No. Their OWN. To process, think, mull over, practice, decide for themselves just what their play is going to express and look like.

THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and

self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.

Baby knowing just how to swipe the screen? Entertaining for us and that is all it is. Confusing for a baby who is trying to understand their world and that understanding? It comes from give and take with real objects in real time. Always.

This is the bottom line–

The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.

Start TODAY in choosing otherwise for your child. Start TODAY to be intentional with your use.

Pause before you hand them a screen to-WHEW-give you a break. Pause…and consider if you are able to handle their big upset knowing you are doing them a favor by sitting in it with them rather than distracting them with a screen.

Put your phone away as much as possible while you are at the park. Even just for a bit of the time can make a real and positive difference. (Sometimes getting caught up on messages now is important for our focused time with our children later.) Watch your children play. See what you notice. Learn a bit more about who they are as they tackle difficult climbing toys or negotiate with other children. Be available to exchange smiles, waves, “I see you’s!”

Give your Baby your full presence while nursing or bottle feeding. Let your gaze linger no matter where their gaze is. For when you stay focused on them it means you will fully engage when they open their beautiful eyes to find you. What a way to nurture a deep bond with your little one!

Pull out the play-dough, the books, the little toy animals. Put away the iPad with the “creative app.” Pretty awesome what can unfold as your child gets lost in their own imagination…

Busy yourself in the kitchen or doing laundry or weeding or other hands-on chore while your child immerses herself in art or Lego or play. This way you CAN be tuned in and aware. And when you need to be on your device? Let your child know to expect this and that when you are done, you will check back in with them. What a difference this can make!

Try it today. Work on YOUR use of your devices. Focus on what digital wellness can look like in your family by starting with yourself and how your intention to bring real balance in can impact the health and well-being of yourself and your children.

.

Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.

Find Alice’s books here!

Tip the balance. Start today. Bolster YOUR self. Ask for help. Talk to friends. Create ways for YOU to be successful as you work at lessening your screen use and becoming more intentional with it so you can parent well, successfully, with greater confidence, presence, and all things relationship-building. Let Digital Wellness be the focus in your family.

You may find this clip from the Children’s Screen Time Action Network to be helpful: Young Children and Technology: Risks and Hopes

Thank you for listening. Let me know how I can help YOU.

I care.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Babies Together

April 6, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

I find this photo beautiful and important. It shows so clearly CONNECTION. And the magic of connection is it begins and is absolutely essential from birth on.

Look at these two. They are touching. They are making eye contact. They are thinking, processing, learning–all because of their physical and emotional connection.

It is lovely–to be uninterrupted, relished quietly, noticed and appreciated. It is essential to *just* absorb, as these two are absorbing their moment together.

And if they “take” a toy from the other? That’s okay. Watch. See how each responds. Often it requires nothing from us other than observing and perhaps quietly stating what you see happening–“You took the block. He’d like it back.” Or, “You are having a turn with the block, I see that.” Or, “You gave her the block. She is giving it back. You are taking turns.” Or, “Hmmm. It makes you mad/sad that she took the block. You weren’t done playing with it.”

No need to pry the block from one hand to give it “back” to the other. No need to change their play and exploration. No need to swoop one of them up in order to stop any uncomfortable-to-us feelings that are expressed. No. What is needed is your connection to their moment. Quiet, calm, present, using words to describe as needed. A smile. A back rubbed. All while giving the safe space for little ones to discover a bit more about what its like to connect, meaningfully, with another. Tears included.

Just think of all the learning that is happening! From feelings to empathy to ownership to respect to taking turns to practice at reaching and grasping and holding and reaching once again to comfort to learning all about another person.

So much learning. All from CONNECTION.
Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”

Take time today to watch–really watch–your children, no matter their age. Notice how they play, think, connect–with another, with their own selves, with whatever play they are involved in. Pay attention to the kinds of connection with your child that feel fabulous to you…and take time to create more of it 🙂 . What a way to build relationships.

Enjoy your week!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach’
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam

PAUSE. Let it work its magic.

April 1, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Self-help Comment

I have been asked if a pause can become something that automatically arises “during a moment of heightened stimulus.”

Here are my thoughts and experience…

What we focus on grows. The more we can focus on creating a pause for ourselves when our buttons are pushed (pause in the more basic moments), the stronger our pause muscle gets…and is now far more likely to be called upon sooner and better in those challenging moments with our children; with anyone.

Then, over time and practice, this pause goes deeper–and our lives change. We find we trust more. We let go sooner. We feel steadier and a quiet confidence in all/much of what we do. We no longer need to feel “in control” of another or of a situation.

As a result, those moments of “heightened stimulus?” They don’t feel so heightened any more

. Sometimes they don’t even land on our radar screen. Ultimately, there are fewer and fewer of them because of the ripple out effect our ability to come from a pause has on those around us. Especially our children.

I do think this takes a lot of growth to get to the point of it “simply arising during a moment of heightened stimulus.” Or get to the point of much less “heightened stimuli.” It is more about our ability to recognize the need to pause and then actively doing so that is what is most important. To live from this pause place–calmer, listening more deeply, taking our time, waiting for a bit…

This becomes more natural, it becomes more regular, it becomes part of our physical response to anxiety-provoking stress. And now stress no longer has to feel debilitating. Instead, it is something we can recognize as an important part of what helps us get better, be better…grow. It is a reminder to care for ourselves and another from a place of PAUSE.

Here’s to you today.

If you want more on PAUSE you can check these stories of others PAUSE experiences. Mine, included! Enjoy 🙂

My Own Story of PAUSE

Migraines, Laundry, and a PAUSE

One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Chore Charts, Behavior Charts, Sticker Charts, Oh My!

March 30, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Chore charts. Behavior charts. Daily charts. Charts with stickers, charts with toys or adventures to earn, charts to show the order of the day. Charts, charts, and more charts.

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

We attempt all kinds of systems to change their behavior in positive ways–charts being pretty common and tried by many of us, I’m certain. And they can work…for awhile.

Funny, though, how either we begin to fade away from following through with them (“Geez! I’ve forgotten to let my child put stickers on all he’s done!”) or our children–after the initial days of total excitement over stickers, check marks, rewards to look forward to–begin to ignore it…resort back to ignoring you and your requests…leave the dog unfed, resist brushing their teeth, no longer care about the cool toy that is promised. That well thought out chart? It just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

Just think about that diet you put yourself on to lose a few pounds or how you decided to truly stay on top of a house project or how you swore you were going to start cooking from scratch more and more often. Just think about how these vows to create the change you know could be beneficial for you sort of went out the window fairly quickly…and the old ways stuck.

Change in our children requires us to focus on ourselves first and foremost. Consider where real and lasting change has occurred with your children, in your life, work related, school related, relationship related. No matter, just change that felt truly successful. Consider what it took–perhaps determination, clarity on just what you intended with this change, commitment to it and consistency as you stuck with it, a friend encouraging you along the way, moments of success that had you willingly digging in deeper to stick it out…

Now consider this:

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if we focused on creating the foundation for potential change in our children? On being the positive, calming influence with our kids that can have them stepping up on their own, motivating themselves to make more productive choices? Not doing it because of the cool sparkly star they get to add to their chart, not because they get to go to Bouncy Bears as a prize, not because they now have you smiling at them instead of frowning…but really motivating their own selves because it feels good and right TO THEM from the inside out?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

~ I noticed and affirmed my child today as I saw them use gentle hands, clean up, take their dish to the counter, pet the dog, buckle up in the car, use their words, play quietly, sleep soundly, tackle their homework, shut the door carefully…

~ I intentionally looked to where my child made productive choices and I let her know I noticed–“When you clean up your blocks like that, I appreciate it and it means we can get out the board game and play!” “Letting your friend know that you couldn’t play today was hard, but I can see getting your homework done is important to you.”

~ I chose to stay calm and connected to my child today, despite how she behaved…it was hard and I did it! Patience ruled!

~ I paid attention to where my child took charge of himself–by flushing the toilet, choosing her socks, deciding on which cereal he wants, remembering to pack her homework, digging out their favorite shirt from the laundry all by themselves, zipping his coat, toddling over with a sloshing cup of milk in hand to give it to me, saying NO to coming indoors to play or NO to being asked to share (yes, that is a child taking charge of themselves!)…:-)

~ I paused today and followed through calmly and consistently with just what I had promised my child (whether it was a consequence or something fun). Keeping promises is important to me!

~ I intentionally gave my child an opportunity to do things “all by herself”, to grow as an independent, capable, competent soul. Perhaps I paused and waited as I watched my little one work hard at climbing onto the chair (and discovered how, even with bumps and crashes, she DID it. All by herself!); I gave the car keys and a grocery list to the newly licensed teen in my house (that was a bit nerve-wracking…); I stepped back while my child quite gleefully dug into the dog food bag and very generously filled the dog’s bowl…no wonder our dog is overweight…

~ I deposited into my self-care account today and it felt GREAT.

Now what might be different? Just think…

…intentionally focusing on what you want more of; intentionally focusing on growing your ability to parent well. Affirming yourself all day long.

What might be different about your day? How might you feel no matter what your child chooses to do? How, with your focus on yourself, could this positively influence your child?

Try it. Write up a chart for yourself. Get a bunch of pretty stars to stick on or delicious chocolate to reward yourself as you pay attention to what you want to do differently. Real and lasting change can be yours–and it begins with you. So go put your attention on just what you want more of and pat yourself on the back often for doing just this. You deserve to feel and be affirmed. The work you do to create positive change in your family is tough, essential, and totally rewarding.

I give you STARS today! Some dark chocolate, too 🙂

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Easy to Miss, Important to Catch

March 21, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Easy to miss, important–often ESSENTIAL–to catch.

You know, those moments, seemingly inconsequential, that, if we are present and we catch them, life with our children flows more smoothly…

It is all about tipping the balance, never perfection 🙂 . As we tip the balance to catching these easy to miss moments, we can communicate “I see you. I hear you. I understand you. You are important.” When we miss them? We often (and rarely intentionally) communicate the opposite. Tipping the balance equals relationship-building. Reaching for the impossible perfection merely leaves us with the guilt we mothers are so good at feeling, undermining us once again–because, well…we will miss these moments at times.

Moments such as…

…Your toddler is happily eating her raisins, one at a time, as he rides in the grocery cart. Great! You are cruising right on through the store, gathering all you need…and then one raisin drops onto the floor. You automatically swoop down, pick it up and let your little one know, “Oops! This fell. Into the trash it goes.” And you continue on. The second raisin follows the first…maybe a third, as you continue with the same response, half paying attention because you are busy checking prices, choosing items, looking at your list.

All of a sudden the whole raisin container FLIES as your toddler flings her arms out, her back arched, her previously pleasant chatting turning to LOUD hollering. And grocery shopping comes to an end…

When we catch that moment of our toddler getting antsy, less focused, shifting in her seat and ready for a change, we are more likely to connect in a way that answers her need. “You are done with the raisins. Would you like…?” Or maybe, “I can see you are wiggling around more and more. Would you like to get out and walk a bit?” Or perhaps, “I know. This store trip is getting long, isn’t it? Let’s sing a song…”

Then you playfully sing, “Looking for the canned tomatoes, looking high and low. Going to see if we can find them, going off to buy them…” or some silly rendition that you know will bring your toddler’s attention back to just where you need it to be. It might just work long enough for you to finish; it might not. Either way, connection is at the forefront for you are fully present to all those little messages your child gives…

…You’re at the park with your child and another child runs up to say, “Wanna play?” and YES your child nods, off they run across the playground and then your child slows, glances over her shoulder, looking at you with the hesitation of “Is this okay? Am I safe? Should I keep going…?”.

When we catch that moment we find ourselves smiling, nodding, giving a little wave. And our child feels our connection; they feel our encouragement; they feel our “It’s OKAY.” Off they continue to run…or maybe they don’t. Maybe they turn around and come back to you, for they feel stronger from the inside out and ABLE to recognize how they feel and what to do. All because you caught that moment.

…Your kids are happily roaring around the house as you scramble to get dinner going so everyone can be fed on time and out the door for the night’s event. You are rather frantically mixing things, answering texts from your spouse, pushing the dog out from underfoot, and remembering the laundry that has to be switched so kids have what they need to be ready to go. You only half-hear the ramping up behind you. The “DON’T!” The “It’s MINE.” The “You better STOP!!!!” Next thing you know you have two kids fighting, crying, and tumbling all over each other to get to you. A big puddle of a mess that leaves you feeling frustrated; leaves them a wreck.

When we catch that moment of transition–when we HEAR the first “DON’T!”–and pause long enough to notice what is happening, we are more likely able to respond in such a way that our children no longer have to end up in a puddle of a mess–they will feel the connection with us that can make all the difference in the world.

Maybe it comes via an affirmation from you, “It sounds like you guys are having some trouble.” Maybe what you notice is the unfairness of one child wrecking something the other one had worked hard on and you say so. “Wow. How upsetting that is, to choose to break apart her Lego creation. She worked so hard on it.” Now you are available to let all the feelings unload in a more productive, albeit probably LOUD, way. Now you are more likely able to influence the direction this goes that allows dinner and laundry to happen, family fed and out the door without everyone becoming a total wreck. You’ve allowed connection to be felt.

What does this require from you?

***PAUSE–strengthening your PAUSE muscle so you CAN slow down–mentally if not physically–and find yourself far more aware of these moments.

***Self care. Always. Remember those little bits you can do that truly are a deposit? Keep ’em going!

***Being Tech Intentional so your devices are rarely a distraction.

***Having eyes on the back of your head and your “Mama’s Sixth Sense” ON

***Patience. Which comes from all those little self-care deposits you treat yourself with! And the PAUSE you practice 🙂

***Loads of GRACE for yourself for all the times you wish you had a do-over.

Easy to miss, important to catch. No longer inconsequential because you catch them, more often than not. Tip the balance. Let go of perfection. Here’s to you today as you work at staying tuned to all those little moments…in the long run, it is worth it.

In the long run it is truly relationship-building.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Our Babies and Our Attention

March 14, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments

“Without secure attachment, a baby can grow up more anxious and less durable in the long run. Without the opportunity to closely study a caregiver’s mouth and expressions, language development can lag. A child could miss out on learning the vital skill (for survival in life and in business) of learning to read faces.

Research is beginning to indicate that if the view of a caregiver’s face is blocked by a device or if a very young child is left to spend too much time in a 2-D screen environment, the trajectory of brain development can be altered, as in the newly-discovered syndrome seen in toddlers, Virtual Autism.” (Jenifer Joy Madden, “Parents Didn’t Need to Think Much About Attachment Until Now”)

Alice’s thoughts:

Continual Partial Attention–this is what can unfold as a result of our use of our devices and it is of great concern.

Think about our babies. We take care to think about how we’ll set up our little one’s sleep space, what kind of diapering experience we want, when we’ll start solid foods, how to childproof our homes, what kind of carseat we want.

We take care to choose a pediatrician we like, to have the right clothing available for our little one, to sign up for childbirth classes and lactation specialists, and find the right pacifiers, bottles, formula.

And we certainly care about–deeply–our attachment and bond with our baby. We know how key this is for healthy growth and development. And it is. Our baby’s attachment to us is her foundation for everything healthy from here on out. Everything.

And it is technology and our digital devices, in the quest for easier/faster/better, that can be a serious roadblock for All Things Healthy for Baby (and beyond…).

Something now required and often forgotten is taking care with the media environment we set up and live within so it can best support the growth of our Baby (and all our children). We need to think about our use and our baby’s exposure, the habits we form or continue to have with our digital devices. We need to be aware and clear. We need to be proactive. We need to have a media plan in place, just like we have diapers, bottles, pediatrician, carseat, clothing in place. We need to be ridiculously intentional.

Why?

Technoference–one name for the continual partial attention as a result of our devices. It is interrupting our baby’s ability to develop a healthy and necessary attachment to us. Something none of us ever intend. When we have our phone in hand as we tend to our little ones, it vies for our attention and often “wins.” We glance, we scroll, we check for updates, we text, we post. It can seem relatively harmless and yet it isn’t. Our babies need our full and responsive attention. Read more about that here: The Cost of Smart Phones…

When we use a screen to occupy Baby we are displacing just what they need the most–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body, relationship based experiences. That 2 dimensional screen? It does little to nothing for building all those neural networks in their brains…and it undermines the healthy growth we intend for our little one, ultimately making our job harder, our relationships more challenging. I know I’ve written plenty on this

Our undistracted, respectful attention is essential for developing the kind of bond our babies need to grow well. A responsive, tuned-in-to-baby’s-rhythm caregiver attends to Baby in just the ways Baby needs. Now Baby’s needs can be answered in a timely and more accurate way, Baby gets the essential practice at facial expressions, hears increasingly rich and pertinent-to-them language, grows their awareness and understanding of feelings–ours and their own. Key for later learning to manage all those rather volcanic feelings (think 4-year-old!).

This is the foundation for trust, emotional regulation, a healthy brain that is full of all those essential connections. For imagination and creativity. For problem solving and their own focused attention. And these are the foundation for successful learning all through life.

Today, tomorrow, and on–PAUSE. Think with care about the media environment your little one is growing within or being born into. Be intentional with how you address it, change it, change what you do. Our little ones deserve our best and need it so they can be their best. What a gift to all our children. What a gift to ourselves as we experience the closeness and connection with our child that has all of us better able to thrive.

Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Books, Books, and More Books!

March 7, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Story Time! Comment

This photo ALWAYS makes me happy. I like sharing it with all of you once again…(thank you to Best Beginnings and Anchorage Imagination Library)

Books, books, and more books. Reading with my girls oh-so-many years ago STILL brings me smiles, warm memories, reflection on favorite stories…(and the delicious anticipation of memories to be made as I read with a certain Mr. Nearly Three in the next few days…and those future grandchildren…)

I’m remembering…

...the piles of books on the couch and floor and shelves…remembering me falling asleep as I read out-loud: “MOM. WAKE UP. That’s NOT how the story goes…!”…

...how my young toddlers would pull to standing next to their book shelf and take the books off–plunk plunk plunk–one at a time to drop on the floor.

Then down their little chubby legs and body would go, nestled in amongst all their books, and one by one they’d pick up the books, turn the pages, talk to themselves…oh, how did I ever get anything done as I watched with delight their total immerse-ment in all things BOOK!

...how one of my young toddlers chose to always pile her books into a small box…then climb on in…and sit there, reading and reading and reading, diligently placing each book into another pile beside her as she finished. Here was my opportunity to “get something done” and yet…I’d watch her. It filled me up to watch those little hands working on the pages, the furrowed brow at times, the pointing finger and delight she’d express…how she talked to herself…

And my other young toddler how, after each book was absorbed, “read” and studied with great intent, off she’d toss it to her side until she looked much like the photo I’ve shared!

Oh yes, and how, no matter the upset, the mad, the craziness, if we just PAUSED and chose to read, everything would calm down. Really. Everything.

Reading connected us, delighted us, had us lost in our imaginations and conversation. Seeing my girls’ eyes light up as we dove into stories…watching how they so carefully learned to turn paper pages…enjoying how they, too, liked to lean down and smell the book 🙂.

And now? As twenty-somethings? They both put reading as a priority. REAL books. Audio books. Old books new books hardcover paperback children’s adults young adults. No matter. BOOKS. One taps into her 8-year-old buddy’s love of science and finds way-cool books for the two of them to explore, do experiments together, study. My other daughter gets lost in book stores tracking down favorite stories from her childhood to then read–sometimes via Skype, sometimes with a warm and real lap available–with her nearly-three-year-old Godson. How cool is that? All the reading you do NOW ripples out to deposit soundly into relationships later.

BOOKS. Go read today. WITH your child. NEXT to your child. Staying quiet as they get lost in their own book. Know that by doing so you are depositing into the growth of a healthy brain. You are depositing into the growth of a close, connected, lovely relationship. You are tapping into imagination and attention and all things crucial for learning all through life.

Another favorite BOOK post for you: Real Books, Real Learning

Go read today! Make it one of your top priorities…what a gift to all.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Discipline. To Suffer or Solve?

March 3, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem.” L. R. Knost.

This is a tough one for many parents. I often hear, “But he has to know it isn’t okay to throw his blocks!” “Talking back to me is unacceptable and she has to know it.” “He has to learn not to hit others!” YES to all of these!

It is HOW we then respond that determines what our child learns.

If we respond with time outs, go to your room, withdrawing every privilege under the sun in a reactive, ‘I am really mad’ way, then in what ways are they learning to solve the problem? To know within themselves what they can and cannot do? To make a better choice based on themselves instead of us–the mark of an inner directed and self-regulated person?

When we get reactive and punish, we are perhaps getting compliance in the moment, but we are also communicating that they need to behave in order for us to calm down and feel better (Whew! They behaved! I can feel like a good parent, now! Or at least RELIEVED…). And now the learning is more about how we feel, rather than learning what it feels like to them to have the blocks put away, no longer have mom’s attention until a respectful voice is used, that using words and gentle touches reaps much bigger rewards.

When we see testing, conflict, problems, misbehavior as an opportunity to walk alongside our children…

…and show them what is expected, practice with them what is a better choice, offer them our respect for what they choose to do by calmly and consistently following through with the results of their choice, NOW real learning can occur.

Brains are calmer and can process thought. The choice made is about them rather than us. The respect for the process of growth is in place. Compliance in the moment often undermines being able to manage themselves in the long run. Certainly not want we really want!

Now how might your response look?

“Blocks are for building. When you throw them, it is time to put them away.” And you follow through. Now your child has an opportunity to discover just what they think and feel about no longer having the blocks available. How THEY think and feel, not us. And we get to calmly sit through their potential upset, eventually moving them gently toward another activity…or trying again with their blocks.

“When you talk to me like that, it is hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a respectful, kinder voice, let me know. I am interested in what you have to say.” And now you move away, put your attention to something else, and give your child the space and respect to decide for themselves if they want our attention and listening ears. Inner direction–key for successful living.

“Hitting is never okay. It hurts. I can see you are mad about your friend using your special guy. Can you use your words to let her know about your mad?” And now you are there to walk them through just how to negotiate more peacefully, to discover more about their feelings, to practice self-control, to problem solve based on THEM, rather than us. Know that you can expect to repeat this many, many times as your child figures out better ways to interact with others. Practice–it is key!

**This is what discipline is all about–guidance.**

Letting go of compliance in the moment–except for safety issues–requires us to have patience, trust in the growth process, clarity on what we really want (what kind of adult we intend to grow, what kind of relationships we intend to nurture…), and the ability to role model the respect and kindness we all hope to get from our children as they grow.

PAUSE today. Calm yourself. Consider what it is you really want your child to learn—and then step in alongside them and show them.

Put your attention to the solution, to growth, to eventual respect, kindness, compassion, self-control, inner direction.

Patience! As in all good and amazing things, it takes time. What we focus on grows.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

“Just Think Positively!” Yikes…

February 25, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

“It’ll be okay, just think positively!”

“I know, I know, he’s driving you nuts. I’m sure there is SOMETHING positive about it all…”

“Let’s look at the bright side!”

Ever get tired of hearing this? I know I do. Especially when, well…NOTHING seems all that positive….

Positive can feel totally inauthentic. It can feel “Polly-anna-ish.” Being asked to look at or find “something positive”–especially as your child is pushing your buttons to the Nth degree every single minute of the day or you are struggling just to make ends meet–can have you rolling your eyes, laughing right out loud, and very quickly no longer listening to whomever is telling you so.

Really, where IS the positive when things are so very bad, or you feeling so very, very low, or when your anxiety over whatever your child is doing is incredibly overwhelming?

Enter APPRECIATION.

And no, this isn’t about appreciating your child’s bad behavior, your raw fear, anxiety, anger, depression. Sometimes there is NO appreciating any of that.

And yet, appreciation is still possible. Try appreciating:

...that YOU are still “in the game” no matter what. No matter how fearful, anxious, mad you are. You are still “in the game.”

…finally falling into bed at night to sleep and being able to just shut out all the YUCK for even a short while. Even though it’ll still be there when you roll back out in the morning. Or in a few hours. At least you will be a bit more rested…

…how deeply you feel over all of what is pushing your button. This deep feeling? It speaks loudly of your care and concern and love for your child, for yourself.

…the super amazing cup of coffee you pour yourself after another sleepless night. SUPER amazing. Maybe add a bit of chocolate to go with it…

...being stuck in the traffic because it is giving you more time away from all the chaos at home…and a chance to listen to some music YOU like .

…how intent you are on growing a human being who can be polite, kind, compassionate…(even as it is NOT working and there is NO sign of manners, kindness, compassion. At least your intent is in place!)

...the hug you got earlier in the day…prior to the fight and tears. That hug? It still counts.

…the smiles exchanged as you passed others on the street. I enjoy that one, for I always feel a bit lifted as a result…

...the kindness of the fellow in line at the store who let you go first–your stress and overwhelmed self needed to get out of the store sooner. Somehow he just knew that. Kindness really does abound!

…how giving your kids a bowl of cereal for dinner is really all about you able to let go and relax into making something hard that much easier for you. SELF-CARE!

…that you are absolutely CLEAR that nothing is feeling good or going well. Clarity. It is a good thing!

Appreciation. And the cool thing?

As you work at appreciating rather than finding something positive, you’ve just made room for positive to happen. And it often does.

Change–real, productive, meaningful change–happens. And mostly–YOU will feel better. Lifted. Empowered. LIBERATED from the spiral of yuck. Now you really can move forward and create the change you are wanting the most.

Appreciation–essential for living well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Toe Dragging, Late to Work

February 15, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A favorite story to share…

11-year old who does whatever she can do to drag her toes in the morning and make mom and her late for work and school.

Mom who nags, yells, tears her hair out as yet again her daughter doesn’t listen, step up, respect the fact that mom has to get to work on time–really, how difficult IS it to get dressed, eat breakfast, and load in the car on time?

Sound familiar?

Every morning up until recently it was a reactive, yelling, frustrating, hot tempered morning. Every morning mom dropped her daughter off feeling horrible. Every morning. And it just kept ramping up.

Then mom PAUSED. She considered what SHE could do differently in this equation that may influence everything in a more positive way. She thought about how much she wants to enjoy her daughter, part from her each day feeling good. She also thought about being calm, clear, and able to say what she means and mean what she does. Here’s what began to unfold:

Sunday night: “Honey, just so you know, I intend to leave for work and school by 7:30 tomorrow.” And then she turned her attention to other things to get done in the house. “Intend”–it is a powerful word. If she was to say “I AM leaving…” then she’d have to follow through by actually leaving her daughter behind–and that wasn’t a choice for their situation. “Intend” gave mom the opportunity to do just what she did the next morning…

Monday morning at 7:25: “Honey, I’m heading out to the car. Join me when you are ready!” And off she went to sit in the car…listen to music so she could relax…and wait. Yes, she prepared for this by letting her boss know she may be late coming in; yes she worked hard at choosing music and her thoughts with care so she could stay calm and relaxed…or act as if. This effort to create a more positive experience meant a lot to her.

And when her daughter finally showed up, ready to complain how mom is rushing her and she didn’t have time to get her hair done and she probably forgot SOME thing and and and…all mom said was, “Thank you for being ready to go!” And headed down the driveway. That’s all. No, “You’re late” or “Why couldn’t you have hurried up a bit…” or “If you’d gotten up when you were supposed to you’d have had time for your hair…” Nope.

Just, “Thank you for being ready to go.” Mom put her attention to exactly what she truly wanted–a daughter, ready to go.

The result? Every single day, mom felt more and more relaxed. The goodbyes each morning were increasingly pleasant. She and her daughter had a few nice conversations in the car. And her daughter began to show up closer to the 7:30 mark every single day.

Why? Because mom stepped out of the trying to control and make her behave a certain way, focused on herself first and decided how she wanted to feel each morning, and took responsibility for herself. This gave her daughter the opportunity to start taking responsibility for HER self–because no longer was her daughter’s attention on mom being mad.

AND mom intentionally affirmed out-loud what she wanted the most: “Thank you for being ready to go.” She let go of the time factor–something she could do, focused on what she really wanted, and was rewarded with just what she intended–a daughter ready to go, and gradually on time.

Today, consider how it could look to switch up your dance step–to take responsibility for your choices and intentionally choose to feel calmer, more relaxed, maybe even light-hearted. Being late to work or school may not be an option in your home, so consider with care what change you can make that can more likely influence your children in positive and productive ways. Start by putting your attention on and getting clear about what you want the most. Think about the parts that are working, that you can appreciate. Consider your part in it all and how you can bring that into your current challenge–and this becomes the first step of change you make–yourself. Stick with this step for awhile. Notice what happens, what works, what feels better.

It’s difficult and it is do-able. Let your strength at pausing step up. Know just what you need and can do for yourself to help you bite your tongue and truly only say what you really want and be able to stay calm, patient, relaxed–OR to act-as-if. The cool thing? The more you commit to this new step, the easier it can get for you. YOU will feel better. And in time, your child will, too. Parenting can get a bit easier…and your relationships can feel a whole lot better.

This mom? She feels empowered. She had a great week–even if they were actually on time just once. Her daughter? Way less drama…way more connection. They are on their way to a more positive, even joyful relationship. What a way to start your morning!

Want more? Try this: You Are Not Responsible for Your Child

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Our Children Need to PAUSE, Too

February 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

There are two kinds of PAUSE, you know.

So much is being shared about how our children and young adults have such increasingly high anxiety. Depression. “Mis”behavior. Problems. A real lack of well-being. Us, too, I believe. And what keeps coming up more and more is what is needed more of.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

A PAUSE. Because really, that’s what this is all about.

There are two kinds of PAUSE. At least, in the simple way of talking about it. The first kind–what I like to call “PAUSE at its Basic”–is when we are able to take that moment in a heated situation to calm ourselves down. The cool thing is how, each time we succeed and each time we reflect on where we DO pause, even unknowingly, we are exercising and strengthening our PAUSE muscle. For that is what it is, a muscle.

This is the PAUSE you are all most familiar with as you follow me…mostly because you are in the midst of all things KIDS and the chaos and challenges and conflict this brings.

And there is another kind of PAUSE. I like to call it “taking PAUSE deeper.” It happens when we have been regularly exercising our PAUSE muscle in all those heated moments. We begin to realize we’ve integrated PAUSE into our lives in all kinds of ways, slowing us down a bit, having us feeling steady despite chaos whirling around. Others comment on our calmer energy or our ability to be strong and steady, or how they feel better around us. We often feel clearer about what we are doing and want to do.

This second kind of PAUSE? THIS is what all of us need more of. Especially our children. It’s a kind of physical and emotional space. Space to muse, play, be bored, think our own thoughts, be present to ourselves, check out a bit, take care of ourselves…you name it–and it all comes down to Unscheduled Time. No matter how briefly.

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

It can…

…help our child experience their feelings–the first step to understanding, processing, and eventually managing them.

…rejuvenate and recharge our child (and us) after an upsetting or tiring experience.

…help our child learn so much more about themselves–what they like, don’t like, can or cannot do, and more.

…leave our child (and us!) feeling calmer, more centered, ultimately stronger from within. How cool is that?

…allow our kids to think their OWN thoughts. Come up with their OWN ideas. Expand on their imagination and creative selves. All so ever essential for learning all through life, doing well in school, being brain and body healthy. For growing optimally.

…foster the ever-so-important self reflection that allows our child (and us!) to productively move through any difficult experience or stage.

Unscheduled Time even includes a good night’s sleep. The kind that doesn’t include ANY screen time prior to it. The kind that is absolutely essential for our brains to rest and process and be healthy.

Unscheduled Time includes being bored. As a matter of fact, being bored is very important. Because when we give our child the respect of a PAUSE as they complain about “being bored” we actually give them the gift of self-reflection. Imagination. Creativity. Problem solving. Downtime that turns into creative and productive time.

Unscheduled Time means way less adult-directed “intervention” in our child’s play.

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**

Ideas for you:

Show them, when they are losing it, falling apart, mad and out of control, just what a PAUSE looks like. A time to regroup–maybe in your lap or in their room or somewhere else. A time that is way less about a “punishment” and WAY more about how to take the break necessary to calm down.

Show them that it is their job to PLAY by giving them plenty of time and space to do so. If playing on their own is difficult, then choose open-ended things to play alongside with them–play dough, Lego, coloring, kicking around outside together.

Show them how YOU take breaks. How YOU head into your room to gather yourself and calm down. How you intentionally create even a brief moment of “me time” that gives you the space you need.

Let go of what can seem like “wasted time” as your teen hangs out on their bed at length doing “nothing.”

Let go of trying to direct and control just how your child plays or what they play with and try just noticing how they busy themselves. What a way to show respect for their choices and desires.

Let go of thinking you need to plan every minute of the weekend in order to “keep it all together” or “make sure everyone gets along” or to just feel in control of what otherwise feels like total chaos.

Provide toys of open-ended nature. Blocks. Lego. Dolls. Water play. Sand play. BOOKS. Dress-up clothes. Art supplies (fewer coloring books and way more PAPER). Craft supplies–especially the kind that isn’t set up to make something specific. Just supplies they can dive into, create, get messy.

Go OUT-doors as often and as long as possible. Maybe with them, maybe all by their selves. No need to have a ton of toys and equipment available. Keep it simple. Water. Balls. Bikes. A wagon. Bucket and shovel. Dirt. Sticks. Moss. Running and climbing and building and hiding and rolling and tag and forts and OH so much to do outside!

So many ways to grow that Unscheduled Time. Even when life feels incredibly scheduled due to work, daycare, school, errands. Maybe it’s just not filling the car with digital devices and “things to do” as you run from one thing to the next. Maybe it’s keeping that 20 minutes of time and space between dinner and brushing teeth wide open with no expectations. Maybe it’s thinking ahead and having something set up on the table to entice your kids into their own world of play while you scramble to get dinner going–maybe as simple as scissors and paper. Or (my favorite) play dough. Or a few ingredients for them to have fun mixing together. Maybe it’s making Saturday morning of every weekend a hang out on the floor in jammies morning and just…hanging. No plans. At least, for the kids :-).

Today, PAUSE. Show your child how to PAUSE, as well. Give them the time and space they need in order to grow well. To be healthy, in control of themselves, feeling strong from the inside out.

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What a gift to your child AND you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh the LEARNING!

February 5, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed:

~The dad who calmly and quickly caught up with his toddler who was happily ‘driving’ a hockey stick down the center of the mall. His ability to cheerfully steer her back towards the hockey store, allowing her the opportunity to stay ‘in charge’ of herself was lovely.

What did his calm approach help his daughter learn?

That hockey sticks belong in hockey stores, she is a capable soul, he trusts her to manage herself well. He gave her the opportunity to grow her confident and capable self a little bit more. And he has just increased the chance that she will continue to listen and respond to him on future shopping trips… 🙂

~The mom in the post-office giving her school-age kids the job of mailing packages. Despite a mile long line and puddles of melting snow to navigate, these kids were focused, curious, listening, and absorbing as they navigated questions, weighing, address corrections, postage, payments. Mom?

Her calm and patient presence ‘spoke’ volumes:

“You two are capable; I have confidence in you; here’s how the post office works…” So much learning to be had! And essential as our children grow–their learning to navigate the world and manage themselves positively and productively within it. Lovely.

~Two brothers, ages 3 and 5, were totally, completely immersed in books at a local grocery store.

The 5-year-old was sprawled on his tummy in the book aisle of the toy section, knees bent, feet banging away at his backside, book opened on the floor right under his nose. Brother was sitting upright and leaning against his brother, pouring over his book, talking his way through each page. Now and again they each paused to check out what the other was studying…

Their parent? On another aisle nearby. I watched for over 5 minutes, soaking up the two-some, appreciating how their mom gave them the time and space to absorb good books, appreciating how she knew she could count on how her boys handled themselves. And SHE probably was appreciating the bit of time this gave her to focus on HER shopping!

In this brief span of time, so much was nurtured–positive

sibling relationships, confidence, self-regulation, trust, focused attention, imagination, the love of books…

So much learning! Our calm, patient, cheerful presence speaks volumes to our children. And it feels good to us, as well. Now we can make the most of all the “little” moments through out the day that, over time, become the very BIG things. Truly relationship-building…

Just think about how each of these “little moments” helps our children learn so much more about our world and how to be in it. These little moments? They count. Hugely.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Important Moments in the Day of a Preschooler!

January 31, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a preschooler…

~ Being the Boss of Themselves! Whether it’s preferring peanut butter and mustard sandwiches that they create, or deciding between listening to your words or losing out on something important to them (your attention, perhaps?!), being the boss of themselves is essential. And if we forget who is the boss of whom, they will remind us–exuberantly, loudly, with great emphasis. Encouraging them as their own boss is essential for growing a self-directed adult–and this means we have to let go of them always deciding to choose what we’d prefer, and following through calmly and consistently with whatever the results of their choice is.

~ Imagining and pretending…that they can jump the highest, run the fastest, be the strongest…play at length pretending to be a mommy or doctor or horse. Giving them the space and time to get lost in their imagination is a gift that will keep on giving all through their years. Encourage this today, step out of their play, and protect the uninterrupted time necessary for imagining to be the rich opportunity for growth it is.

~ Volcanic feelings! Oh the out-of-bounds, explosive, BIG feelings that burst forth so unexpectedly at times. Our ability to acknowledge and affirm them, to stay calm in their presence, and role model appropriate expression is key for helping our children learn to manage themselves. “Wow! That really made you mad. Hitting hurts. What words can you use to let her know about your mad?” We give our children the gift of a safe and secure ‘place’ to FEEL as we draw on our ability to flow calmly with their eruptions–and the safer they can feel, the more able they can learn to manage their out-of-bounds nature…and the easier it gets.

~ Creating, making, designing. Immersed in glue, tape, paper, paint, play dough, scissors, etc. Time to think their thoughts, work with their hands, get lost in the process. Admiring their handiwork when called upon-“Yes! I see how many pieces of tape you used!” “I can tell blue was the color you used the most today.” “You worked hard at putting all those pieces together with the glue…” Nothing fancy required, just time, space to make a mess, and recognition for the work they do instead of the product they produce.

~ Household chores and tasks–feeding pets, doing dishes, cooking with you, starting the laundry, sweeping, raking, weeding…simple family time can emerge from doing the mundane tasks we have each day. Preschoolers love being included…they love showing off what they can do all on their own! Take the time to slow down, include them, and know you are more likely growing a future teen wanting and willing to mow the lawn…!

~ Playing with a friend–oh how preschoolers love to be with buddies! Whether it is parallel play with little real interaction, or intense and sometimes loud sharing and negotiations. This is a time of discovery–who they are, where they belong, what is and is not theirs, what they can and cannot do. Playing with a buddy provides so many opportunities to learn about themselves! Our job? Mostly to stay out of it all. Be on the periphery, acknowledge feelings, ask questions, notice how the play ebbs and flows from involved and intense to quiet. It’ll get messy, loud, hurtful, joyous. Let go of judging it, be curious and observant, and stay calm and matter-of-fact when the explosive behavior and feelings erupt…and now you are truly supporting the early stages of true friendship.

Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery

and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.

It’s in the simple moments…

Another preschool article for you: Preschoolers–Hang on for the Ride!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

You are Having One of THOSE Days…

January 25, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

So you are having one of THOSE days.

Your Too-Short-of-a-Nap toddler or preschooler (or maybe drippy-nosed or you name it and it isn’t easy) is demanding a TON of re-direction, stopping, pleading at times, removal…(how much CAN you fit on top of the fridge as you collect those “used-in-the-wrong-way” items???). He seems to go from one thing to the next just TRYING to push your button (and succeeding).

Your baby is fussing and never getting quite the attention you really want to give this little one–yes, she gets fed and changed…but all the while you are pulling your hair out over the seemingly EXTRA exuberant behavior of your 3- or 4-year old (and if you have multiple other ages in the mix, just multiply the chaos by infinity…). The kind of exuberant behavior that has the blocks flying, the voices LOUD, the flying super-hero whipping by just barely missing the baby, the teetering of climbing just too darn high, the race to the potty and then a quiet that descends that has you discovering the roll of TP stuffed in the toilet or the tub animals taking a swim in the toilet bowl…

Your spouse has asked you to swing by and pick up that prescription–a simple thing, swinging by, right? And yet…you know that if you had to get the diaper bag ready, baby fed and changed, preschooler actually dressed and fed, AND yourself presentable and all ready to go all at the same time, not to mention then having to wrangle kids in and out of their seats and find a cart to contain them in and navigate the crowded store aisles, actually TALK to the pharmacist, and then get out all with your sanity in place…it could not possibly happen today. That simple errand is now an Impossible Errand.

And then there is what seems to usually be the “simple” step of switching the laundry from washer to dryer–today, however, it is nearly insurmountable. As is the well-intentioned dinner in the crockpot–usually a welcomed way to make dinner oh so much easier–still awaiting those green peppers you were going to chop and add. Let’s not even mention the now-clogged toilet, blocks and cards and Lego and stuffed guys spread from here to there, and the breakfast, lunch, and snack dishes and items still exactly where they were consumed. And it wasn’t at the table.

Funny how those “simple” things can become the very thing that would break you or the precarious and momentary balance you have found with your children. Simple becomes Impossible.

And you are feeling AWFUL. Guilty, frustrated, downright MAD, certainly over-the-top EXHAUSTED.

Then your partner arrives home…and just can’t seem to understand why it is so darn HARD to switch the laundry. Or swing by to pick up the prescription. Or–for heaven’s sake–add the chopped vegies to the crock-pot for dinner. They wonder why the toilet is plugged (“Can’t you watch him when he goes potty? It’s not like it requires much from you!”), the house a complete wreck, and let’s not even mention all the remains of various meals and snacks spread around.

And you sigh. Or blow up. Are definitely frustrated, feeling guilty, exhausted. You have no ability to even treat your partner with the respect you know you want to. Your relief to have help is quickly replaced with resentment. You are done done done with the entire day. The mess, the LOUD, the near misses of preschooler swooping past baby, the baby who obviously needs more of your attention and your guilt and sadness over not being able to find even an extra minute to give her that extra snuggle.

You are having one of THOSE days.

It’s okay. Really. It will get better. Maybe not yet and maybe it’ll become one of those WEEKS, but in time it (and you) will get better.

For now, it’s just one of THOSE days. Remember to b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Helping Hand

January 15, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What would be different if…

…when your child totally LOSES it in the grocery store you felt eyes of support and encouragement–and maybe an extra hand or two?

…when you find yourself getting caught up in all the what ifs and fears and oh-my-gosh-the-worst-thing-in-the-world-is-going-to-happen there was someone who reached out and said, “Yup. Me, too. I do that, too.”

…when you try over and over again to get your partner or child’s teacher or another to REALLY understand what you are trying to communicate you heard them say, “I hear you. Let me think on that a bit and get back to you…”

…when your child’s behavior has you over the top worried and you’ve tried everything and you feel at a total loss and you are a mess of a Mama, you had someone reach out and wrap you in their arms and say, “Here. Cry. It’s okay.”

What could be different? NOW how might you be feeling?

I believe you’d feel understood. Cared for. Appreciated. Maybe even without anything “fixed”–you know, tantrum still happening, anxiety still overwhelming–you’d feel relieved, a bit more confident and able to face whatever chaos you are in from a more grounded and steady place.

Maybe you’d feel like you’ve got company along this journey that you can really count on.

Maybe you’d feel clearer about what it is that needs to happen; able to let go and trust a bit more; or just relieved. Maybe that’s all, just relieved. What a difference that can make, for relief bring relaxing. Relaxing opens you up and allows you to feel more receptive. And NOW real help can enter in.

What a difference that could make. It really does take a village to raise a child AND a parent . It really does. And we are all in it together. After hearing today of a story of a mom, with divided attention at a park and both kids needing her help–and the lack of others willing to step up and give a helpful hand, I thought about this.

I also heard from another what a difference my writing has made for them as they head out into public and notice the hard work of parenting going on. They have found themselves being more receptive and curious rather than judgemental and critical as they watch difficult parent and child interactions. What a difference this makes–for now we feel a part of a community working together to parent and live well.

So today…pause. Find something to appreciate instead of criticize. Offer a helping hand. Reach out to a parent struggling and let them know they are doing the hard work of parenting and you get it. Allow feelings. Oh yes, please, allow feelings. They are to be valued. Your feelings included. Pause…appreciate…and walk alongside another without trying to fix, change, judge. Just be there.

Pretty amazing, what can happen. And you know, for you’ve felt it before–those times of acceptance and understanding; those times where you felt comforted by the company of another. Talk about feeling lifted, encouraged, even empowered! What a difference we can all make as we keep our attention on appreciation.

With appreciation for each of you,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Does YOUR Child…

January 5, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Does your child go with the flow or define the flow?

Think about this for a moment. Those “define the flow” kids–whether due to temperament or stage and especially when their flow is DIFFERENT from yours–get lots of attention. Lots.

Define The Flow also known as…

…Grand Negotiators–“She’s SURE to be a lawyer when she grows up!” How many times did we say that about our eldest!

…Stubborn!!! Cute when little…at least, for a while…

…The Rebel “WHY can’t he just do it my way, the better-healthier-safer way??”

…Tiring-ly Persistent–truly wears us down…

…Major Button Pushers–testing all day long…

…Talented Manipulators–-you know, the ones who are a bit sneakier and seem to “get their way” more often than not; who talk you into just about anything?

Sound familiar? I know, from the work I do and from my own parenting journey how exhausting this is.

It is the Define The Flow child who has us pulling out our hair, losing our cool, lacking confidence because we, well…just really don’t know what to do.

We work hard at defining the flow OUR way–we are the parents, right? We set boundaries, we know better, we have years of experience and age-old wisdom on our side, and yet…we struggle. And argue. And are just as stubborn, persistent, willing to constantly engage (aka: negotiate), push buttons (“Huh! Let’s see what he does when I do THAT…”).

Funny how that goes. We often do just what it is we want our Define The Flow child to STOP doing.

Okay–so that is where much of my work comes from–helping parents to shift their attention from all the things they’d like not to be happening, and discover and look for what it is they want more of. Such as appreciating the spirit of their Define The Flow child’s energy. To see the self-directed, strong in conviction, highly communicative, willing-to-persist-through-many-a-difficulty child who needs all of this in order to be a successful adult. Appreciate the spirit of all this energy–and then work at encouraging it in productive, healthy, empowering ways. For really, we DO want our child to grow into an adult who can define their flow, take charge of their life, be strong from the inside out.

Yet it is the Go With The Flow child I want to pull our attention to.

They are the “easy ones.” The quiet(er) ones. The ones who aren’t stirring the pot, are more likely to just go with the other child’s ideas, wants, desires. It brings us relief–“Whew. No argument to deal with there!” It makes it easier and simpler for us to focus on the Define The Flow child, where we think our attention needs to be.

Yet, I wonder. Sometimes those easy kids? They are often getting lost in all things reactive about our relationship with their Define The Flow sibling. They are watching. We are role modeling–role modeling just how to get lots of our attention.

And one day these Go With The Flow kids…well…they surprise us and REBEL. Or disappear even deeper into being compliant.

They learn either to get loud and disruptive to finally get our attention OR they learn to get quieter and more compliant in order to NOT get us all stirred up because it is scary for them. Both can be concerning.

So I’m thinking, even as we laugh at “Oh YES! My child defintely defines the flow!!!”, we must PAUSE, look to our other children and NOTICE their quiet joining in with whatever their sibling decides or how they are easily and at length (and therefore letting us put all our attention elsewhere) focused on something or how quietly creative they are and actively name it, appreciate it, notice it.

This is key for growing the strengths and qualities we want in our child…it is key for putting our attention to what we want more of.

Ideas for you:

“I appreciate how you are accepting of your brother’s idea and are willing to go along with it–that really helps. We’ll have fun! And I look forward to hearing what YOUR idea is going to be for later today…” And you be sure you find out and encourage their idea for later…rather then letting it get lost in the energy of Mr. Define The Flow.

“You are quiet today. It looks like you are putting a lot of your attention on your project. I look forward to hearing about your work.” And when the attention moves from the project, you get to re-connect with, “Can you tell me about your work now? I’d really like to hear…” What a way to let your Go With The Flow child know what they do is important to you .

“Thank you for sharing your things with your sister. She was really excited to have a turn and you kindly stopped with your turn to help her out. When you are ready to have her return it, let her know.” And you stay tuned in, so if your Go With The Flow one indicates wanting items back, you are there to back them up as needed…to help them assert their selves in healthy, confident ways.

“You know, I bet it gets hard listening to your brother argue so much. I am sure you have some things you’d like to say, too. Would you like to tell me now?” And then you actively listen and stay fully focused on your Go With The Flow child…

“It worries you when your sister is so upset that she didn’t get her way. I can tell you want to help her feel better! Let’s give her a little time to get her mad out and think together about what we can do after she’s calmed down a bit.” This, when that Go With The Flow child tries to appease the upset Define The Flow sibling by quickly sharing or doing things just to make them less upset…and the Define The Flow sees it as a way to manipulate things…

Most importantly, be observant. Notice when things are going smoothly in your household and even as you feel relieved and discover you have time to get things done, be sure to appreciate how your child or children are engaged, focused, sharing, compromising, collaborating.

Put YOUR attention to just what you want more of–respectfully, maybe after the fact or maybe during–so you can be certain your kids know for sure the kinds of behavior and abilities that make for healthy lives and relationships.

Let your Go With The Flow child know, for sure, you appreciate their ease.

Let them know the strengths you see in them-–and that you appreciate how they utilize them.

Make sure they KNOW you are paying attention, that you see their confident, capable, self-directed selves show up in ways you truly appreciate.

Let your Define The Flow child know through your ability to calm yourself down, that yes, there are limits to what they can do. That yes, there are certain rules in your household to abide by. That yes, there are results to their choices. And appreciate the SPIRIT of their stubborn, endlessly negotiating, testing nature. For these are key for successful adulthood when accepted and then channeled in productive ways.

It’s hard work and it is important work. You and your children are worth it.

Here’s to you today!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Through the Lens of Appreciation

December 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Obstinate and stubborn or Fiercely Independent?

Talking back and argumentative or Skilled Negotiator?

Shy and all-too-quiet or Astute Observer?

Cry baby and incompetent or Sensitively Aware?

How you decide to ‘look’ at your child determines

what you (and they) experience…and then influences how

you choose to respond.

Consider these:

~ Your child is the one in a group situation who hangs at the periphery seemingly not engaging at all…and it worries you, “He’s missing out!” What is different for you if you see and appreciate it as your child is an Astute Observer who is seeing and feeling lots of things you don’t notice and are unaware of–that instead of missing out, they are soaking it up? Now how might you interact with them following this ‘periphery experience’?

~ Your child falls apart at the slightest thing–and always has since infancy! You wish that she’d be less the cry baby and able to ‘handle’ what comes her way. What is different for you as you appreciate how Sensitively Aware she is of all her feelings? What might you do differently as you look at her as handling her deep feelings in just the way that works best for her?

~ Or maybe you have a child (like I did) who constantly and annoyingly negotiates with you every step of the way, throwing right back at you THEIR solutions that you often know, without a doubt, aren’t ever going to be a choice. And of course it pushes your button and you end up in an argument that keeps on escalating. What if you saw this as your child being a Skilled Negotiator working hard at learning to problem solve in effective ways…or CAN learn if you step in seeing this as the strength it can be?! (Tough, I know. I’ve been there!)

~ Perhaps it is all the eye-rolling and sarcastic comments flung at you from your teen that really pushes your button to the Nth degree…URGH! What is different when you look at it as his way of coping with all the inner turmoil teens often experience? That he is trying super hard to keep himself together in the midst of extreme ups and downs? To be in control of himself? That the Skilled Negotiator, Fiercely Independent and Sensitively Aware inner strengths are ramping up all at once? Now what might you say or do the next time sarcasm, eye-rolling, and button pushing is flung your way?

~ The off-the-wall rambunctiousness of your child after school–talking at you constantly, moving their body full speed ahead, wanting your attention and time to play with you…and you just want it to be QUIET. Why can’t they just come home and chill for a while???

What is different for you as you recognize and appreciate that your child is an extrovert, unloading the stress of school and recharging by fully engaging you? And what is different as you recognize you really are an introvert who is Sensitively Aware and needs quiet time to recharge while your child is busily recharging himself in the way that works for him…?

~ Or maybe it is the opposite–your child comes home from school and says nary two words to you, disappearing into her room at length. You are dancing around this, wanting so much to know how her day went, what homework she has, who she ate lunch with, what things are to be planned for in the next few day. What could be different if you saw your child’s retreat as her way of taking care of herself so she can be at her best? That her Sensitively Aware and Astute Observer self is stepping up as she takes herself off to recharge–and this quiet time is exactly what she needs?

I think (actually, I know) all kinds of things could be different. Different in an appreciative, affirming, relationship-building way. Different in how your child understands themselves, listens to you, cooperates, collaborates, grows in healthy ways. And this reframing (for that is what it is) can be tough. Especially in the moment. So…

What does this require of YOU?

Pausing, often. Intentionally reframing what you see. Depositing into YOUR Self-Care-Savings Account regularly. Reflecting on the kind of future adult you intend to grow. Acknowledging your own strengths–when you can be patient, calm, feel connected in relationship-building ways. Appreciating your SELF.

With practice and time, all kinds of cool things begin to happen. You will find yourself calming down, and appreciating who they are just a bit more. And as you calm down, I believe you’ll discover how you choose to respond to your child will be in ways that support and encourage and affirm them for who they are and actually grow what really are strengths that are necessary to be a future successful adult. I know what was relationship-depleting can become relationship-building, absolutely.

In return, your child can feel respected, understood, and empowered…

And now…

The child on the periphery may begin to move into the group and engage…what a way to grow their capable, competent, confident selves, able to use their strength at Astutely Observing and thrive.

The child that feels so deeply begins to understand and accept her feelings even more–allowing her to manage those feelings better and better…essential for growing well. Now their Sensitively Aware strength benefits them and all their relationships in rich and meaningful ways.

The annoying negotiator begins to feel you are on board as a team player and will begin to brainstorm solutions and truly problem solve…and now that strength at Skilled Negotiating truly steps up and can lead the way.

The eye-rolling/sarcastic stuff from your teen can lessen…and they may begin to get clearer and open up about what is really troubling them. Their Fiercely Independent selves begin to take responsibility for themselves…and that independence? Key for successful adulthood.

The introvert and extroverts feel accepted as-is, allowing them to feel recharged and able to engage in ways that work for all…what a way to nurture the Astute Observer, Skilled Negotiator, Sensitively Aware, and Fiercely Independent strengths that grow a child who is fully in charge of themselves! Self-directed and responsible. How cool is that?

And now, relationships can truly thrive!

I encourage you to try looking at the behavior that stirs up your anxiety through a lens of appreciation…

And as you switch up how you look at their behavior and appreciate what they are working hard at, notice what is different for you, for your child, how it influences a situation. As you practice this, let me know what changes for you…because things will change, this I can promise.

Appreciation. It changes lives.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

3’s and 4’s Can Be HARD

December 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

3’s and 4’s can be HARD…and they can leave you wondering just what happened to your little one, who–not so long ago–was an agreeable and enjoyable little soul? All of a sudden their EXUBERANCE can become trying…testing…exhausting. SO…

HOW do you parent respectfully with

an over-the-top, EXUBERANT, volcanic-ly

erupting preschooler??

HOW do you stay calm, consistent, connected when all youwant to do is scream, yank, cry, shut-down–make it all go away?

Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).

This over-the-top behavior? It means your child is ready to grow, become more independent, learn new things, get stronger from the inside out. Know this is possible BECAUSE of your work at parenting respectfully.

So how? With connection. Okay, maybe a few other things, as well, such as keeping your promises, clear expectations, choice choice choice, showing them over and over what they CAN do. And endless patience. Remember to deposit into your Self-Care Account often!

And it is with connection that is paramount. Connection that says:

~You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave. What a way to communicate confidence to your child, a safe (emotional and physical) space for them to “bang around” in.

~You can trust me to keep my promises–you can count on what I say is what I mean AND will do calmly, gently, consistently. What a way to build the essential foundation of trust.

~I will sit beside you while you are a puddle of tears. I will wait with you; I will be quiet and know just when to encourage you gently, perhaps a bit light-heartedly, perhaps just with open arms to hold you.

~I will stay near while you finish your tantrum. I will keep you safe and others around you safe. I will manage my own upset and embarrassment so you don’t have to. (So often our work at “getting them to stop/behave” is more about our embarrassment and discomfort. How we choose to handle our feelings directly influences how and what our child learns.)

~I understand how you feel and you know this because I say things like: “You are really mad that we have to leave. It’s hard for me to leave my friends, too. Shall we make plans to see them again soon?” “It really is frustrating when your little brother gets right into the middle of your work.” “I can see how sad you feel about not having a turn. You really like having turns at this game. Me, too…”

~I give you choices for how you CAN use your EXUBERANT self in appropriate ways: “You really want to be loud! Inside libraries are for quieter voices. Let’s go outside where you can be as LOUD as you’d like.” “ZOOM! You can run fast! You know what? The church has a rule of only walking. How about we go find the best running place of all together? I wonder where it might be…” “Ouch! Hitting hurts me! I can tell you are super mad right now. Sometimes you really need to HIT to get that mad out–we can go whack the couch pillows together, or maybe you can try high-fiving me on my hand with all your energy…”

~You can count on me to let you know what to expect. What a way for a child to feel more secure when his world is predictable: “We leave in 5 minutes. What would you like to finish up before we leave?” “When we are done reading these books, it is time to…” “When we head out the door to preschool, you’ll need your boots and coat ready to go. Do you want to stuff them in your backpack or wear them out to the car?” And then you keep your promise and follow-through no matter what your child chooses or how your child decides to behave.

A few more for you during those challenging moments…all with the intent to keep connection at the forefront and parenting respectfully leading the way:

“Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.” Then you do, calmly, matter-of-factly…respectfully.

“I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.” And maybe they need help in calming down–gently led to a quieter place, sat with without direct attention, held…or just given a space to be for awhile…

“Ohhh…that hurt your sister. She is really sad. I see how upset you are that she came in and wrecked your Lego structure. That just doesn’t feel fair, does it? I wonder what can help her and you feel better?” And you listen. Brainstorm. Comfort both as needed. Be available.

“I can hear you talking to me (as they whine…). You have something important to tell me.”

“It is really tough to share your toy with your friend. When you push and grab, it hurts his feelings. What is it you’d like to say?” Keep your attention on how you’d like them to handle things, rather than scolding for what they did…what we focus on grows, so choose with care where you put your attention.

Calm connection. Respectful parenting.

What does this require from you?

The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.

It asks you to be OKAY with feeling embarrassed, mad, frustrated–what a way to role-model for your over-the-top preschooler that you, too, feel all these feelings AND can be counted on to manage them well. Show your child what you do with your big feelings. Acknowledge and affirm your own–it’ll make it easier for you to PAUSE and do the same for your child.

This is a slow process–never a quick fix. Know that. And as a result of trusting your ability to parent respectfully and letting calm connection lead the way, you will discover your preschooler to morph into a cooperative, communicative, collaborative, totally awesome 5- or 6-year-old.

Just in time to gather yourself back together, enjoy family life once again, and be ready (and stronger!) for the next round of tumultuous times. At about 6.5 years of age. Hang on to your hat!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Delighting in Children

December 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and oh so enjoyed!:

~ The Mama who, with a group of eager adults wanting to hear her 2-year-old’s rendition of “Frosty the Snowman”, respectfully asked her little one, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” What was greatly appreciated is how what could have been an attempt to “make him perform” via, perhaps, saying “Sing them the song!” or “Can you show them how you can sing it? Come on…you know the words…” instead turned into an opportunity for her toddler to decide–on his own–just what he felt like doing with no cajoling or bribing or pressure.

What happened? Those words, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” had little guy scanning our attentive (and hopeful!) faces and launching into Frosty–in just the way a toddler does. We all delighted in it, joined in, and it became a wonderful, connected, joyful song that was sung over and over and over again…all because Mr. 2 wanted to! Just writing about this has me smiling all over again…

~ The 7-year-old boy who slowed his full-speed-ahead self down around the 2-year-old in just the right way. Playing tag by putting the brakes on just as he neared the toddler to then gently TAP him on the shoulder; stopping his perpetually moving body to plop next to Mr. 2 and ask him where each piece of a puzzle belonged–“Where does the BLUE piece go?” And waited patiently as Mr. 2 studied, pointed, and delighted in being asked.

And then the two of them going round and round the Christmas tree studying the ornaments, finding the ones of great interest, talking and touching–“remember! One finger touches!”–and sharing. And the incredible patience and tolerance and creative solutions Mr. 7 had as he taught his favorite young adult a version of checkers all the while and on the side engaging with Mr. 2 who wanted in on the game, as well…

~ The young adult upon returning home from lengthy travels for the holidays and being met by a certain favorite 7-year-old at the airport, signs of congratulations included, knelt down and opened her arms to him…sat back and admired his crayon-colored signs…discussed the various symbols he had drawn…full presence to Mr. 7 despite the general chaos around her.

And all l-o-n-g before she stood up and gave her parents their much-awaited HUG.

Lovely. Truly! Her attention to her relationship with Mr. 7…the message communicated to him–how important he is to her, how interested and curious she is about his work, how much she enjoys all things HIM…no wonder he loves and delights in her; she, him.

What wonderful ways to build connected, respectful, joy-filled relationships.

So today, look–really LOOK–at those around you. Notice the little moments. PAUSE in your running around trying to get everything done and notice. Then appreciate–yourself for pausing, your child for a smile moment, another parent for working hard at keeping it together. For these little moments? They count. They add up over time to become the huge and important ones. The ones that make the most difference. Really!

And share with me, here, if you’d like–something you’ve noticed and enjoyed. That way we can spread the joy…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

BE the Kindness

November 28, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Mister Rogers exemplifies much of what I think many of us want more of; and it seems to me we all need to work at putting our attention to the good, kind, respectful especially in the seemingly continual turmoil of life around us.

One (many!) of the very cool and awesome things about Mister Rogers was his clear, consistent, passionate self. He spoke to and acted upon all that he knew to be true.

His words were more than words, for he LIVED them.

In all that he did.

We, too, can do the same. What we focus on grows. Today, look for and BE kindness. Appreciation. Respect. Show your child what that looks like. Tell your child when you see him or her being kind and respectful. Notice how they show their appreciation. Practice showing them yours.

Maybe it is the way they play alongside their friend, chatting away, and how you mention how much fun you see them having. Or that you appreciate how they remembered to feed their pet without a reminder.

Maybe it is how they stopped their busy selves to really pay attention to what you had to say. Or that they said a spontaneous, “Thank you!” Something to appreciate, for sure!

Maybe you noticed how they paused to reach down and gently pet the kitty. Or watched with delight how their baby brother blew bubbles from his mouth! Maybe the way they SIGHED heavily over the kind of project their teacher assigned AND still rolled up their sleeves and did it. Appreciate. All of it.

Maybe it is appreciating, out-loud, that despite their full speed ahead selves, they remembered to shut the door on their way out, or buckled their seat-belt, or actually SAT for a whole minute to scarf down their dinner .

Or maybe you just pause in your busy day and really look at your child. Send him love in your minds-eye, smile a bit, and watch. That’s respectful, you know, just watching. Or maybe kindness, appreciation and respect is about giving yourself a break. Time to chill. A bit of self-care. That can go a long way…

Today, tomorrow, next week–every day–strive to live the way Mister Rogers did. Be intentional with the words you choose, the thoughts you think, and the way you decide to behave. It counts. All of it. Our children are watching, learning, and absorbing.

Fill them with the kindness, appreciation, and respect necessary for living well. Our world will be blessed.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

A Favorite Way to Play!

November 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

Looking for (digital-free) ways to play? Here’s one of my favorites…

Home-made play-dough!

(Recipe at end of post 🙂

)

Good for toddlers through teens (ever given a group of teens play-dough to have fun with??)…no need to provide anything else, initially–just warm, off the stove, home-made play-dough to poke, squish, pound, flatten, roll, stack, pinch, and squish all over again!

Want to lengthen and evolve the play? Try adding a butter knife for cutting and pieces of drinking straws (we like to cut them into 1 inch pieces or so…). Toothpicks for older than toddler are fun, too. Porcupines made, candles to be blown out, little holes and circles made to decorate.

Add a spatula and a plate for serving up Play Dough Cake! Or Play Dough Pizza… 🙂 Cookie cutters are fun, too.

Our daughters loved collecting a few of their small plastic animals and making animal play dough parades…walking their toy critters across play-dough for guessing “Whose foot prints are THOSE, Mommy?!”

Or squishing play-dough saddles on top of each critter…or making nests and “beds” for them to sleep in. Add a small muffin tin and then the play starts all over again–filling, making pies, cupcakes, or rolling little pieces of play-dough into balls and filling each muffin tin.

So much learned and experienced as your child squishes and pounds and plays. Creativity and focused attention nurtured; getting lost in their own imagination–something key for healthy growth; small motor skills encouraged; math galore as they help you measure and mix, as they fill and empty and add and lengthen and cut and shorten; feelings soothed; truly a hands on, sensory rich experience that truly grows healthy brains!

When done? Just plop it all into a ziplock bag or other airtight container and save for the next time Play-Dough Fun is to be had!

Enjoy! My favorite play-dough–especially when first off the stove and warm!

Here’s to you today as you look for ways to play…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Lessons Learned From Elementary-aged Children…

November 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional Comment

Lessons learned from (and delighted in and aggravated over…) an elementary aged child’s perspective:

~ It’s not FAIR. ALL my other friends get to do, wear, say…(fill in the blank with whatever it is you are saying no to). But really, what I need the most from you is your understanding that I need to feel connected to my friends, to be a part of the group…AND have you still stay firm about this and be OKAY with my mad! (I still think it’s not fair, though.)

~ I’ll give you lots of practice at taking care of your heart! Because I think my teacher or my best friend’s mom or that mom I watch on TV is smarter than you…and I often tell you so! I need you to be okay with this…mostly because I’m just trying on new ideas and perspectives and practicing all those future critical thinking skills you want me to have.

~ If you just ask me how school was today I’ll probably say “Fine.” If you ask me what I did today at school, I’ll probably say, “I dunno.” If you ask me how ANYthing went after my long day away from you, the most I can muster up is “I forgot” or a shrug or “Okay, I guess.”

~ When you ask me if I played tag or chose to swing during recess, you just MIGHT get a story! If you ask if I sat next to Johnny or Molly at lunch, you just MIGHT hear about all my friends at the lunch table. If you ask what funny or crazy story my teacher shared today, be ready to hear all I have to say! Asking me something specific often gets an answer.

~ Sometimes I have a BEST friend and we do everything together at school. Sometimes I come home sad because my best friend said she wasn’t my friend anymore. Why do friends DO that? Be sure to let me finish my cry…then maybe we can come up with an idea that’ll feel just right to me. It feels so good to have you keep me company an listen!

~ “Mom, Mom, Mom! I’ve been invited to THREE birthday parties on Saturday! Can I go, can I go? What!?! I have to CHOOSE? But I want to go to all of them! They won’t be my friends if I don’t! Moooommmmmm! You just don’t understand!” Oh the roller coaster ride I will take you on…because really, friends are so important. And so is YOUR ability to help me sort out what is right for me.

~ Doing homework can be fun! I feel important, having real homework to do. Watch me plunk right down and get to work It makes it easier for me to do this when you have the table ready and a snack for me to eat. Thank you!

~ Doing homework can be a real DRAG. I don’t WANT to spend time doing my math and writing a book report. I just want to play or hang out and listen to my music. And it’s hard! When you keep me company it can help. But be sure not to hover or give me the answers (or bug me about getting it done) because this is MY job and I want to be proud of my SELF. Though I know it’s tempting, cuz I can throw such a fit about it all.

~ Scouts, Taekwondo, swimming, music lessons, dance, soccer, art classes–can I do them ALL? When you say I have to choose I get so MAD because I have friends doing each of these things and I want to do them TOO…but really, I’m glad some days after school are just home days. I like to have time to read and dress my dolls and hide out in my fort. I like to get lost in my knitting project or even just hang out on my bed with a friend and talk. But still, can’t I do them ALL?

~ Being teased is no fun. (But teasing my little sister is great fun!) Being teased sometimes leaves me mad AND hurt. Especially when it becomes unkind. I sometimes want to crawl into a shell and never come out. Sometimes it is super hard going to school because I feel so left out. It really helps me when my family rallies around me and we play games and go on adventures together. That makes it easier to feel left out by “friends.” It makes it easier to try on a NEW friend, because you let me invite one along on our adventures.

~ I’ll leave you feeling pretty guilty when we have one of THOSE mornings. Like when we yell a lot at each other before I leave to school. I usually forget all about it once I’m with my friends and doing cool stuff. I just need you to greet me after school without reminding me of how crummy we started our day. Starting fresh is a relief!

~ It makes me feel so special (until it becomes embarrassing but that’s a whole other lesson learned) when you pick me up from school and can listen to me without telling me to wait for you to finish texting. I burst out of school to run to the car and having you there smiling just at ME feels SO good! I’ve missed you all day…(I probably don’t tell you this, though.)

Elementary-aged children. What an amazing time of growth! From 6 to 12, from eager to please to eye-rolling. From everyone is a best friend to just a few special friends. From up and ready to roll each day to dragging their toes out the door. Family time becomes important time. Go play a game with your child today!

Find Alice’s books here!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Some of What I See

November 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

You know what warmed my heart of recent?

The young toddler run-run-running in toddler style down a wooden walkway in a local park. Arms pumping, knees high, and the BIGGEST grin on her face. The other cool thing? How her parents quietly followed along, their long strides matching the run run running of their toddler. Quietly. Respectfully. Giving their little one time to just BE.Lovely.

A certain 4.5 year-old in my life who asked his Mama to ask me if I could join them at the library. They were already there, immersed in all things BOOKS and it was me he thought of–an invitation hard to beat.

The small group of grandparents, parents, and school-aged kids at a local marsh, binoculars in hand, finding the bald eagle w-a-y out on a tree, studying moose remains a bit nearer, identifying arctic terns and swallows, and blue-winged teal ducks. Identifying because the kids have been shown, asked questions, given binoculars to learn to use. Bird book alongside. What a way to deposit into a healthy brain! Hands on, language and sensory rich, whole body, relationship-based learning.

A certain 10-year-old in my life who was eager to join in on his mother’s and my walk on a bike trail. Up he hopped on his bike, helmet in place, and then carefully and steadily stayed right beside us. No need to dash ahead, for he said he wanted to be next to us to talk. And talk he did 🙂 And when we were all back at his house enjoying tea? He said, “That was fun! I’m glad I went with you.” Cool, hmmmm?

Watching two favorite little boys–toddler and preschooler–roast hot dogs over our campfire one night. The concentration, the careful holding of the long metal stick, the adjustments to move A-W-A-Y from the smoke. The rather loud reluctance over letting go of the rather charred hot dog…until a slice of melon was offered up to roast, instead 🙂 All of it done with watchful eyes, space for both to manage the roasting all by themselves. And THEN there were the marshmallows…

That certain 10-year-old once again in my life who shared, as we sipped tea together, how much he loves to visit his Great Grandma. Why, I asked? “Because she is fun, shares jokes, and I love her stories,” he said. Now THAT is awesome.

My heart has been warmed and really, all it takes is pausing to notice and appreciate, to listen and maybe ask a question or two. Today, take time to look around and watch a bit. Catch that moment of a young toddler squatting close to a flower to study a bug. Watch for the GLEE as children play freely. Join in alongside your child to actively learn about something. Appreciate in little and big ways all through your days…it can begin to work magic in an otherwise hectic, stressful, or overwhelmed day.

Really!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Power of Role Modeling

November 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A proud mama moment that hopefully can encourage you to keep on role-modeling, for our children really DO pick things up from us:

A young teen invited to join her 21-year-old cousin for a day trip to Seattle’s Pike Place Market.

A 21-year-old aware of how her young cousin is directed in all things in life by well-meaning parents wanting to make sure she thinks, feels, and does things the ‘right’ way (their way).

A young teen who is quiet, compliant, rarely decisive about what she’d like to do. Her older cousin wanting very much to encourage her to take charge of herself and be decisive. Her older cousin wanting to ‘deposit’ into her relationship with her young teen cousin and really make a difference in her life. (That right there is enough to make a mama proud…)

Here’s what left me feeling such gratefulness that my daughter not only has heard me, but believes in what I do and strives to walk a similar route because she sees how essential it is for another to grow well:

“Mom, you know that “responsible to and responsible for”

thing you talk about–that we aren’t responsible for how another thinks, feels, and behaves?”

“Yes…” (Wow, I’m thinking…I had no idea she’d paid attention to this…)

“Well, it was really tough at the Pike Place Market with cousin, because I couldn’t tell if she was wanting to be there, if she was enjoying it, what she wanted to do. I remembered that I didn’t need to take responsibility for her experience…I decided to let go of needing to know if she was having fun or not and focus on having fun, period.”

And what unfolded was an older cousin letting her younger cousin know that “I love the comic store here and I could take hours in it–so when you are ready to move on, let me know!” “I’d like to visit the candy store–do you want to join me?” “What part of the Pike Place do you want to be sure to see?”

She avoided saying, “Are you sure…?” to any of her young cousin’s “I don’t know…I guess so…maybe…(shrug shoulders)” answers. She instead respected her enough to accept it at face value and let her young cousin know instead what SHE was going to do–giving her young cousin the opportunity to decide for herself whether or not to join in.

What did the 21-year-old communicate by letting go of taking

responsibility for her young cousin’s experience?

I believe she communicated respect. I believe she communicated “I trust you to know just what it is you’d like to do.” I believe she communicated her confidence in her young teen’s ability to be decisive–to make a choice and manage the results of her choice. I believe this 21-year-old gave her young cousin the opportunity to learn a little more about herself and what she likes and doesn’t like–truly part of growing a self-directed adult who can be decisive.

What did the 21-year-old learn?

That she can manage her OWN discomfort over not knowing whether the person with her is having fun–and that is huge. Instead of letting her discomfort lead the way and start trying to do whatever she could to make sure her young cousin was having fun, she calmed her anxiety down and instead just focused on enjoying herself–something she could control, something she was responsible for–herself.

What might the young teen have learned?

I believe she had the opportunity to learn to trust herself a bit more. To discover what she likes and doesn’t like, to feel safe with and accepted by her cousin, to ultimately learn more about herself, her abilities, her feelings, her desires. And maybe even realize she CAN be decisive about what she wants!

The result? The two of them had a nice and satisfying afternoon exploring all the shops at the Pike Place Market. They grew closer as cousins. Memories were made. And maybe, just maybe this young teen cousin felt the confidence communicated by her older cousin and will let this nudge her forward as she grows her ability to be decisive, to take charge of herself, to decide on her own what she likes, what is her responsibility, what she can do…to really know herself from the inside out. (She has some pretty awesome older cousins role-modeling just this as they spend time with her. How cool is that?)

I am proud of (both!) my daughter’s ability to observe, listen, and decide on their own to embrace much of what I do. To try it on for size and see how it feels. To notice the difference it can make in relationships. To live it for themselves. To connect with and encourage others by just being true to what they believe. This leaves me smiling from the inside out!

My moment to share with you.

Now go role-model just what you believe in. Know that your children–no matter their age–are absorbing your actions.

They are listening. They are learning from you every moment of the day. Make it a gift to them and show them how you live just what you believe. It is important. It is necessary. In time (maybe a l.o.n.g time!) you will see the results of all your hard work.

And it can put a smile on your face and in your heart and fill you with joy…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Push, Pull, and a PAUSE…

October 26, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A dad and fourteen year old daughter. A relationship already partly defined by (normal) resistance from the teen–you know, “Daaaad!!! I already DID practice my piano!” “Daaaad! STOP yelling at me!” “Daaad! I can do my homework, quit bugging me…”

A relationship that has them doing cool things together as well as struggling. Nothing very different, most likely, from many of you.

Teen: “Dad, can I go to Hannah’s house this afternoon?”

Dad: “What about your homework?”

Teen: “I was going to do it with her…and I thought I’d practice my music before I went.”

Dad: “I want a couple of hours with you today to go do something fun. Where could we fit that in?”

A nice and respectful exchange. Teen came up with getting her music AND homework out of the way immediately, and wondered if her friend could join her and dad on the adventure–YES came dad’s answer. What a great way to encourage a child to take charge of their work and day–to figure out how to manage time. Teen checked in with her friend.

Teen: “Hannah’s dad wants to take me and Hannah to the garden show downtown…”

Dad: “What about OUR time? Now that means I don’t get my time with you to go on our adventure.”

Teen: “Daaad! You could come with us!”

Dad: “I don’t want to go there. So you are just going to go off with Hannah and her dad instead of spend time with me…? I guess you just don’t want to be with me…” (Said with no twinkle in the eye and definitely sadness)

Okay. So maybe you are “hearing” what started happening. Dad really wanted time with his daughter. I love that. Daughter really wanted time with her dad. How cool that is! Daughter is also a teen with whom friends become mighty important–and necessarily so at this age. Daughter was offering up a wonderful idea of together time with two dad’s and two teens.

But this Dad took it personally (initially). He took it as his teen didn’t want to spend time with him, that he wasn’t important enough to choose over her friend’s dad, and (underneath all that) that she didn’t love him–and he responded emotionally with the intent to get her to choose their original idea over the new idea so he’d feel better. Understandable–he was looking forward to their adventure.

But here’s the deal–when we start using our disappointment as emotional leverage to try to get our child to change their behavior in order for us to feel better, we are now asking them to take responsibility for how we feel.

He was communicating “you must not love me enough and in order for me to feel loved by you, you need to do it my way…” THIS is what a child can “hear” when we put how we feel in their hands.

This is why this story is important. Think about this. The teen now had a choice to make–to go with her friend and her friend’s dad (something she truly got excited about) leaving her dad sad and upset; or to go with her dad and say no to her friend.

But now how would she be feeling, going with her dad? I believe resentfully. Begrudgingly. Wishing she could be elsewhere but feeling like if she did, she’d make her dad feel even worse. If she went with her friend she’d be going feeling guilty about doing so and resentful towards her dad for “making her feel guilty.”

Neither of which are relationship-building.

Not quite what we intend when we feel hurt about how something unfolds. Not quite what we intend when we want our children to WANT to spend time with us. And if we are honest we do this, perhaps regularly, in our relationships–work really hard at getting our child (or our spouse?!) to do something (listen, behave, not throw a tantrum, quit rolling their eyes, decide to choose differently, get good grades…) in order for us to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud.

Just think about what could be different for us if we decided to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud NO MATTER how our kids decided to behave…

So really, this is about us. Let’s go back to Dad and teen. Teen was getting all upset, begging her dad to reconsider, to not see it as her deserting him, to try to get him to NOT be disappointed. This is where Dad took a very important step that turned what began as a relationship-depleting moment and let it become a relationship-building one.

He PAUSED.

He took a moment to take care of his feelings of disappointment (something that really is HIS responsibility), to consider just what he really meant to say to his daughter and what he truly hoped for her, and then stepped back into his conversation with his teen and said:

“I’m sorry. I’m feeling disappointed because I was really looking forward to our adventure together. I think your friend and her dad have a wonderful idea and I want you to enjoy yourself…you and I can look to next weekend for doing an adventure together and I look forward to it!”

Now, whether he chooses to say “Yes, I’ll join you!” and see it as an opportunity to spend time with his daughter whether or not he likes garden shows OR if he chooses to pass, it becomes a matter-of-fact decision in which his teen can now decide for herself what she wants to do…now her focus is less on how dad feels, for he has taken responsibility for his own feelings, and her attention can be on how SHE feels about which choice seems best to her.

What a way to grow a respectful, self-directed, thoughtful future adult…and current teen .

Truly relationship-building. Respect for each other can now be communicated; feelings welcomed and understood; self-management and self-reflection become encouraged. And now the teen–no matter what she decides–can feel solid in her decision, in her relationship with her dad, in putting her attention to having a good time. Maybe she’ll even return home bursting with stories about all she did (or maybe how b-o-r-i-n-g it was…), wanting to share with her dad, excited to include him in her experiences…in her life…all because he PAUSED, considered, cared for himself, and then cared for her.

A story for you. May it bring you PAUSE as you consider focusing first on yourself, calming your feelings down, and then responding to your child in such a way they can grow themselves a little bit more towards the respectful, kind, thoughtful, joyful people you’d like to see. May it encourage you to work at caring for your self and your feelings so you can guide your children towards the same–able to take care of themselves, their feelings, and ultimately feel strong and confident in who they are becoming.

PAUSE today. It is a muscle to exercise and can be used at any time…and it always makes a real and positive difference.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Story Time! Dear Papa

October 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Dear Papa,

I AM amazing. Just like you said about me last night. I heard you and it made my feet seem to march just a bit faster and my knees go a bit higher. Look at all I can do!

I can ring the doorbell and know you will answer, wondering “Who’s coming to MY door???” And I KNOW you will smile at me and invite me in and then when I march right back outside and shut the door, I KNOW you will wait ’til I ring once again and start all over!

I can climb up into my seat at the table–all by myself–-and KNOW that you will stand near, ask me if I want help, and hear my “I can do it all by myself!” and then let me.

I can play my games all by myself and KNOW that you are there, nearby, waiting ’til I invite you to join me. I like that, you know. I like that you let me get lost in all my own stories and then join in when I’m ready for you to.

I can wait. At least, more and more often. It’s hard, you know, waiting. You tell me how patient I am and it helps me try harder when really I don’t WANT to be patient and wait. But I can count on you. I can count on you to always finish the big important stuff YOU do and then come join ME. This helps me be patient and wait. Even when it’s extra hard…

I can tell when I’m sleepy tired. I can ask when we are at our friend’s house, “Is it time to go?” Cuz if it IS I need to run to the potty and then gather up a fuzzy blanket to snuggle with in my car seat. Because I KNOW what feels good when I’m sleepy tired. And you never try to MAKE me “go to sleep”–you just help me let sleep come. My way. That’s how I know a fuzzy blanket helps…

I can CLIMB. Oh so high! I know how to find good handholds and places for my toes. I know, because you have always let me–with you near by–figure out this climbing deal. I like how you ask me questions about where my feet can go or if I can see that handhold right up to my left. I like that, because I can then TELL you know I AM capable and you feel confident about ME. That’s super wonderful, by the way. To feel YOUR confidence in what I’m learning about.

I can cry when I’m hurt or sad. You let me. I like that. I like knowing you will ask if I need your company. I like knowing that I can count on your arms and lap making a safe place for me to feel better–on my time instead of yours. I like that YOU wait–did you know YOU are patient, too? You wait until I’m ready. That always makes me feel better faster and ready to try things again. You know what? I REALLY like that, even if ice for an owie would help me, if I say NO you go with my NO. I’m learning and you let me.

I CAN. I can do so, so much and I AM amazing. I am an amazing ME because you and Mama help me in just the right ways. I love you. Like Daniel Tiger says, “Ugga-mugga!”

Thank you for being my Papa. And be sure to tell Mama cuz she thinks I’m amazing, too!

Love,
Your Nearly Three Year Old

Alice–the one who gets to watch all this magic…
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Real Books, Real Learning

October 12, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Ahhhh….the JOY of books and reading! A friend shared this photo so I could share it with all of you. Isn’t it lovely? Can you just put yourself there, stretched out alongside another, poring over and getting lost in a really good book?

Simple. Lovely. And it stands out to me–which is a mixed bag of feelings, right now. It stands out, because instead of this being the norm these days, it is screens that we often see in front of a child or adult.

And screens? They are here to stay AND it is our responsibility to make sure they are used wisely. Which translates to SELDOM in the early years, and as our children grow as a tool that is just a PART of truly hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based experiences. For that is key for growing well.

Reading. Real books in real time. Together.

So much is fostered! So much more than what screens alone can do. Just think–truly sensory and language rich–touching and turning and flipping through pages, smelling (oh yes! Books can be fun to bury our noses in…), listening, looking, talking about and studying and noticing, and yes…if you have a baby…tasting .

Screens? One dimensional. Far more about swiping and tapping and “making something happen.” Far less about conversation, rich language, imagination, focus and attention and musing and getting lost in your own thoughts and…I could go on and on….

Just think what books and reading can foster…

...LANGUAGE. Conversation. Imagination. Curiosity. Understanding. Focus and attention. A way to make sense of the world, a way to feel affirmed, a way to learn something new. A way to understand yourself. Rich diversity of WORDS that help with comprehension and language skills and all things absolutely key for schooling.

…Connection with each other–-physically and emotionally. On laps. Stretched out on the grass. Snuggled. In a circle. On a bed. Laughing, crying, poring over illustrations and talking talking talking. Or not. Maybe just listening. Now that’s an important skill! This connection? It is powerful.

…Alone time immersed in another world of your own imagination as you read words and “see” in your minds eye just what YOU want. Or absorb the illustration and consider just what might happen next…or what would it be like to…or isn’t that picture just the funniest thing you’ve ever seen…or I wonder or how about or could you do that…or or or…

...All things BRAINY. Reading a REAL book, in our hands, turning pages back and forth, touching, smelling, passing back and forth, studying words and pictures–talk about MAJOR neural connections firing away in the brain. Absolutely necessary for healthy brain growth and incredibly STRONG foundation for all learning to come.

And then I think about how books foster things like…hiding under covers with a flashlight and a good paperback story that then ends up on your face as you fall sound asleep. Page corners turned down, pages flipped to as you try to remember something or share a passage or just re-read, piles made and moved and changed and re-organized, a chance to underline and write in and take notes in columns, book covers and binders to run your hands over, think about, enjoy the art, fan out the book, ruffle the pages, fill a bookshelf, empty a bookshelf (rather like my girls when toddlers and teens!).

Seemingly little things, I know. And yet they bring a richness to an experience that is essential for our growth and wellness in life. Emotionally, physically, mentally.

And you know what this all comes down to? Building relationships. Look at this photo! A sister reading to her brother–both absorbed in something absolutely wonderful that leaves them feeling truly connected. Sister practicing her skill at reading. Sharing her love for books with her brother who is finding out how wonderful listening and absorbing stories can be. You can bet, as he grows, he’ll be clamoring for a pile of books for himself.

Because he, alongside his sister, is discovering the JOY of reading.

Together. A book that has absorbed his attention. A sister and brother depositing into a life-long relationship.

Go read this weekend. Offer up piles of books. Head to your library. Read and re-read the favorite book. Throw a blanket over a table and give your child a flashlight and a few books. Sit and read for yourself. Watch how your child immerses themselves differently in a real book versus a screen. Because they do. And it is important.

Enjoy. And make reading books with your children a priority…and check out another article all about books right here.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let’s (Not) Ask Google

October 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

I wrote this piece after viewing a television commercial of a father and child poring over a book together. The commercial was promoting the use of technology to create/enhance a warm and meaningful connection for the parent and child. Yet I believe using technology in this way takes away much more than it gives:

Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”

Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”

Google: “A blue whale is….”

Child: “Daddy, what do whales sound like?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Google, what does a whale sound like?”

Google: “Blue whales have many sounds…”

Child: “Do whales sleep?”

Dad: “Google...” (As heard and interpreted from a commercial)

You know, it is pretty fun, being able to “ask Google” or Alexis or “whomever” your technology offers up. It’s fun, even enlightening at times, finding out these answers. It can create more conversation and enjoyment in the moment. Certainly it can bring people together as they enjoy trying out this technology and even using it to expand their knowledge and maybe then using this knowledge to understand and explore even further.

And yet…here’s the deal…

When our go-to is to just get the answer,

ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being

missed and displaced.

Just think–as you quickly look to the fast and “right” answer, there is less conversation, less musing, less curiosity encouraged. Imagination is limited, real and lengthy problem solving challenged. There is less need for a stronger attention span, a desire to understand beyond the answer; and less opportunity to truly CONNECT.

Let’s save those quick answers as much as possible when we are exploring/reading/talking with our child. Instead, let’s:

Ask our child, “I wonder…how big do YOU suppose a blue whale is?” “Maybe as big as…a mouse? A house?” Giggles and eye-twinkles. Maybe you ask, “Can you show me how BIG a whale might be??” And down onto the floor your child goes, s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g arms and legs out as far as can be…”WOW. Now THAT is big. I bet you ARE a whale!”

Muse, “I think a whale might sound like…a DOG!” “Noooo, daddy…whales don’t sound like a DOG. I think they sound like…” And on you go back and forth, conversing, sharing, imagining, laughing, connecting. Maybe pretending to be many different animals and the play extends way beyond whales…

Be curious, “You know, I always wondered if they sleep…how do you suppose we can find out?” “Ummm…go find a whale and ask?” “Oooh…where can we find a whale?” “I know! Under my bed!” And off you two go to look under the bed, talk to the pretend whale, both snuggle and imagine you are a pair of whales taking a snooze…

Foster creativity and imagination–to let go of the “right” answer and go with creative ones that take you down a much richer, more colorful road to discovery.

Immerse your child in hands-on , sensory and language rich, relationship-based learning—use our bodies and minds and imagination to come up with what WE think. Our child’s ideas encouraged, honored, enjoyed. Such confidence in our child’s ability to learn that is communicated!

Practice problem solving—the kind that has your child digging into other resources, asking more questions, growing their competent and capable self–all so key for all things learning through life. Problem solving that takes patience, curiosity, time…the kind that strengthens us from the inside-out.

And then there is CONNECTION—true, meaningful, lovely, wonder-filled, light-hearted, curious connection. One filled with conversation and discovery. One that speaks of confidence in your child’s ability to learn…to figure things out…to ask questions and know they will be listened to. Connection that says “Your ideas are important! You can count on me to join alongside you as we work to discover together. Taking time to explore is fun! Look at all we can do together as we figure out answers…” What a way to deposit into a healthy relationship.

So leave Google and Alexis for the occasional quick answer. Let that be fun now and again. And instead–deposit richly into your child by letting their questions lead you both down a path of exploration and discovery that truly grows a healthy brain and amazing relationship. You and your child are worth the extra time this takes.

This extra time? It is what

rich and meaningful relationships are made of.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Important Moments in the Day of a Teen

October 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a teen…and if you are a parent of a preschooler, you may discover how similar this can be!!

~When mom or dad recognize NOW is the time to listen, no matter how late at night, if you are just running out the door, or up to your elbows in some messy project. Now is the time…the more you can be flexible and give your full attention even for just a few minutes, the more you deposit into a continued healthy relationship with your teen. They feel supported, heard, and can count on you.

~Sleeping in! Until noon, if possible 🙂

~Being part of a group–whether it is a team, friends, volunteer activity, or family–being part of it and feeling accepted and included is HUGE for a teen. Here is where they can strengthen their inner identity, confidence, and feel more self assured. Groups can be one or two good friends or the entire football team…

~When parents ‘take the blame’, giving their teen an ‘out’ in a difficult situation. Saying no to peers can be nigh on impossible at times…having your parents to ‘blame’ can bring relief beyond measure (often couched in attitude and sarcasm, but relief and gratitude are underneath it all!)

~Being fully in charge of themselves–whether because mom and dad support and encourage this, or because they’ve had to do whatever it takes to claim it. Often stated through clothing, piercings, tattoos, attitude, risk taking behavior, defiance, eye-rolling… Increasing independence is key; being proactive as a parent with doing just this–increasing independence–can actually minimize the less than desirable ways a teen may express it.

~Risk taking! Driving too fast, courageously asking their crush out on a date, climbing mountains beyond their ability (ask me about that one!). Teens naturally are risk takers. Knowing their physical and emotional limits begins in the early years as we give out toddlers and preschoolers opportunities to struggle, providing a solid foundation for managing the bigger risks teens can take. Expect your teen to step WAY beyond your comfort level…and let them experience the results of their risk-taking choices with you the calm and connected guide they need to do so.

~Down time–being allowed to do ‘nothing’ and not be called lazy. Down time is so essential for healthy growth and healthy brains!

~Feeling heard and understood first, rather than directed or told NO WAY right off the bat…and this includes letting them purge all their feelings. Remember the volcanic nature of feelings at age 4? Well, hang on, for it comes again. Sitting alongside your teen, giving them a safe place to let it all out, is essential for them to process, manage, and move forward. Just like your preschooler.

~When given the car keys

~Having a calm, connected parent no matter what choice they make. Calm, connected, firm, kind, and respectful. And now they can more likely ‘own up’ to their actions and take the responsibility necessary for becoming a mature adult

Teens. Tumultuous, terrific, terrifying at times.

Totally awesome overall.

It’s the little moments each day that count the most as we build positive, healthy relationships with our children. Make the most of these…slow down, recognize these moment for the value they are, and be present. Your children are worth it…and so are you.

Make it great today,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned from a Baby

September 27, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Lessons learned (when exhaustion finally subsides…) from a baby…

...I’ve got you wrapped around my little chubby hand, now don’t I? Look at me, sound asleep, so peaceful, little sighs and funny expressions flickering across my face…at least, for the moment. And only if you keep holding me. You weren’t planning on getting anything DONE during nap time, were you?

…I really DO know when I’m hungry (you just need to figure out that when my diaper needs changing I sound THIS way, and when I’m sleepy, I fuss THAT way…), and I also know exactly when my tummy is full. That means stop nudging my lips with the bottle to get me to finish the milk you prepared. My tummy is FULL. For now. Give me about 30 minutes and maybe I’ll have room again.

...Just when you’ve gotten all my cute little clothes sorted I GROW! Poof! Over night! THAT was what all my “out of sorts” was about. I was busy growing.

…To catch naps when you can cuz I’m going to keep you up as much as possible the rest of the time…

…That I am truly a capable and competent little soul who appreciates being warned before anything gets “done to me.” Let me know when you are going to pick me up; let me know when you want to wipe my chin or nose; let me know when I can expect a trickle of water over my tummy or a shirt to go over my head. It startles me when you don’t tell me, first.

…I really CAN figure out how to roll, sit, pull myself up all by myself when I’m given lots of time to be freely on the floor. I like it best when you watch–and I trick you to make you think I really like it when you do it for me…but then, how can I really grow my capable and competent self when you stand me up, rescue me from rolling under a chair, hold my hands to “make” me walk? Its fun…but these are MY jobs.

…Acting-as-if you are calm and confident as you hand me over to my care-giver for the first, tenth, hundredth time. Yup. I need you to act this way, other wise I’d think you didn’t trust my care-giver to take care of me or trust ME to be able to feel safe and secure while you are away from me. So hand me over. Smile at me. Say “bye” and then be sure to come back! I need to count on you…

...Letting go of strict routines while sticking to a predictable rhythm–now there’s a challenge I present you with! Ha. You think I will be hungry every 3 hours or ready for my nap at noon like usual. Well, have I got a surprise for YOU. I’m hungry NOW! And I have NO intention on napping at noon…nope. At least I can count on you to understand…to offer me my milk…to snuggle and look at me while I drink (No phones, please), to read me stories anyway, and then recognize I still have lots of wiggles to get out ’til I really AM ready for a snooze.

...That my fussy and out-of-sorts self needs you to listen and watch so you can comfort me how I need you to. That way you’ll discover if its my teeth hurting me or that I’m missing you or that I’m wet, sleepy, hungry, tired of all the company oohing and ahhhing over me, have too many dangly toys in front of my face, or am just DONE with the peek-a-boo game you keep trying to play with me. I KNOW you can figure it out because you always seem to end up doing just what I need…even if it takes several tries. I’m patient. Sort of. At least, I’m learning to be, with your company.

…That having a baby (ME!) can be overwhelming, joyful, exhausting, confusing, amazing. And heart-wrenching at times. Heart-filling, too. I sure know how to keep you on your toes, don’t I?!

What is amazing you about YOUR baby today? What lesson have you learned that has surprised you the most? I’d like to know

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Prove To Your Child…

September 20, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

You do not have to prove yourself as a parent.

Your child does not have to…

~ excel academically, athletically, artistically…
~ behave beautifully in the grocery store at 5:30 following a long day in daycare
~ listen the first time you tell her what needs to happen
~ show amazing manners and be polite even to Aunt Martha or the neighbor
~ never throw a tantrum
…make it into college, or even want to go to college
~ know or do (something) without being told
~ know or do (something) despite being told over and over again
~ get in the car promptly, go to bed on time, do their homework agreeably, finish their homework because you said so, sit at the dinner table nicely, use a respectful tone of voice, have their backpack ready to roll…teeth brushed…clothes on…and to school on time–WITH their homework remembered (and done).
~ get ANY thing “right” the first time…

…in order for you to feel ‘the good parent’, the parent who has done their job well, the parent who has the good kids, the smart kids, the kids who “have it together.” You do not have to prove yourself to anyone other than the children in your care.

Prove to them you will:

~ walk alongside them no matter their choices
~ accept and love them just as they are AND keep a vision of all you intend so today your actions and responses can be in alignment with just what you want the most…
~ keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot
~ keep your promises–as often as possible and with great intention, whether it is for the treat you promised or the consequence they earned.
~ calmly and consistently and with gentle connection follow through with their choices–communicating to them they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do.
~ believe they are competent, capable, truly ABLE individuals.

Prove to them you will continually work on growing yourself to feel calm, clear, and confident in who you are so you can be your best as a parent.

Prove to them you can let go of needing them to be/think/feel the way you want them to and know you are a good parent, a parent who is doing their job well no matter how they decide to behave.

Stand true and strong in who you are for it is from there we can truly feel and be our best–no need to prove your worth by how your children behave. You are already an amazing parent, working hard at parenting well. Celebrate this!

Here’s to YOU.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A Delightful Moment

September 13, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A delightful moment. Delightful for it was shared–shared with a parent who ended up nearly in tears.

A long outdoor line at a local farmer’s market. A mama, an 18-month-old toddler, a grandma. And me. In line behind them, doing what I love to do–watch and delight in all-things-toddler, and appreciate–the mama, who in this very public place kept her focus and attention exactly where it needed to be.

Toddler? Marching, eye-twinkling, taking in everything all around him:

“Brokli! Hat,” as he watched a gentleman go by carrying a head of broccoli and wearing a hat.

“More? Brokli!!” And his little feet just kept a-moving, dancing around mama, moving away from the line…

Mama? “That gentleman has broccoli. He’s wearing a hat!” I loved her reflection back to her little one of exactly what he noticed and in full language that is so SO key for his ever-expanding repertoire of words, his ever-growing comprehension.

Those dancing little feet wanting so much to MOVE? Mama appreciated this and said, “Do you want to take Grandma and walk around a bit?” Oh YES his twinkly eyes responded…and his marching feet stepped fully away from the line, his eyes taking in all the vendors, all the broccoli and carrots and glorious vegies…grandma in tow.

And then immediately he circled back around looking for his Mama…who was watching him–fully present and available. His eyes literally danced with joy as he reconnected, visually first, and ran as only toddlers can run right back to her in line.

Mama? “Would you like to go pick out our broccoli?” Oh, how this lit up his eyes further as he eyed the pile of vegies they were nearing. Off he stepped toward the broccoli…then zip! Right back to mama, “Brokli! Hat!”

Mama, “You remember the gentleman who was carrying his broccoli and wearing a hat!”

And on and on they went, this little guy happily moving his little feet the entire time–dancing a bit away from the line, returning all on his own. I so appreciated his mama quietly observing him, talking to him about what he was interested in while also keeping him focused on why they were there. Nary a “No.” Nary a “Stay with me.” Nary a “Don’t touch!” Nope. Just present, engaged, and talking about what he was doing, seeing, and COULD do. What a way to grow his capable, in-charge-of-himself self.

And I said something. I told this mama how much I enjoyed watching her little guy. I told her how much I appreciated her presence and engagement. That all that she was doing and saying was growing his brain in exponential ways; their relationship in lovely ways; his ever-expanding independence in just right ways.

And she started to tear up. “Wow. Thank you. I often wonder if I’m doing things “right.” We just don’t hear when we are doing things well…thank you for letting me know.”

We smiled with our eyes (yes, masks were on in this crowded public place), sharing mutual JOY and delight and eye-twinkles over this lovely moment.

Today, take time to pause, observe, and appreciate another. Whether it is a time of delight or a time of struggle. When we pause to notice and appreciate, hearts are warmed, spirits lifted, JOY shared.

What a way to help our world.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Magic of a Baby’s Smile

August 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Oh, the magic of witnessing a baby, searching their field of vision and catching the eye of their special person .

Watching the warmth of simply the most beautiful smile slowly spread across their face…lighting up their eyes, spreading to their fingers and toes…

The delight! I had this moment today. Out walking and coming upon a daddy, his friend, and his 2.5-month-old son tucked into his stroller. We all paused…for of course I had to take a peek and enjoy!

I so appreciated how they were outdoors enjoying the gentle breeze, the forest around them, the clouds flitting across the sky–and that Baby wasn’t being interrupted by toys dangling down in his face.

Nope. Just freedom to study all that was above him. And study he did! And then the magic…he found his daddy and the smile that spread and lit up his face AND his dad’s face was truly a joy to see.

The really cool thing? What this was doing for both Baby and Daddy. Full presence in that moment. So much to study. The calm of nature. A Daddy who responded to his son’s eye-catching moment! He wasn’t on a phone, he wasn’t in a hurry, he was there. In the moment. Taking off his sunglasses and returning a warm and gentle smile right back.

Truly, I get tingles when I see this, think about it, write it for you. In our hurried lives, we can so easily miss these moments. And they are essential moments, for they strengthen the bond that is key for growing well. They provide the give and take of “conversation” even without the words. They have a baby’s brain lighting up with neural connections!

Just a little moment. Our days are filled with them. The more we can be present to them, the richer our relationships (and therefore our lives) become.

Pause today. Be present. Witness these moments. And notice how full your heart can feel.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

HARD Can Become Relationship Building

August 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed:

~ The VERY sad 5-year-old boy trudging alongside his mom, heading out of the grocery store. “I wanted it! Why can’t I have it? I want it…” with alligator tears pouring down his face. Appreciated? How mom walked alongside her son, acknowledging his disappointment, staying matter-of-fact and calm. And he kept beside her, trudging and crying. Half way across the parking lot she looked at him and said, “Know what? Let’s race to the car!” His eyes widened, his tears stopped, and off they ran–“I win, I win!!!!”

She allowed him to be disappointed with her calm and understanding company, and stayed tuned in, finding just the right time to offer up something else to focus on. And it worked. What could have been HARD and even miserable, became relationship-building.

~ The teen-age baby sitter who sat alongside her 4-year-old buddy on the sidewalk following a nasty fall from his bike. Bloody knee, HUGE tears, feeling mad and sad and frustrated all at once. And the teen sat with him, calmly, compassionately, and waited. No matter that they were out in public. No matter that they had people glancing over their shoulders at the pair hunkered down on the sidewalk. She just let him cry. And then, being a tuned in teen, she found the opening, “Can you pedal your bike with one leg or do you want me to carry the bike?”

“I can do it!” And off they began…adjusting just how it needed to look. Once home, off to the band-aid drawer and the lengthy repair work…followed by play with a toy-doctor kit, stuffed guys who needed shots and band-aids…and all was well. What a way to communicate confidence in this little guy’s ability to manage his own feelings and experience. What a way to say, “You can count on me. We will be okay.” The HARD of BIG feelings, when time is taken, can become a deposit into a wonderfully connected and respectful relationship 🙂

~ The daddy who agreeably chased his toddler through the aisles of Office Max while mommy got the shopping done (teamwork!). His little girl took off, looking over her shoulder, “Get me, daddy, get me!” And off he’d go trotting behind her–“I’m gonna get you!” Squeals of delight as he’d catch up and give her a quick snuggle hug, then off she’d go down the next aisle, “Catch me, daddy!”, looking over her shoulder to be sure he was coming. It was quiet in the store, the aisles were empty, mom got the shopping done, and daddy and his little girl had a glorious time together.

I appreciated how he respected her need to put distance between them as well as respected her need to have him close. Such a tug-of-war at times as our toddlers need chances to separate–within the safety of our nearness. Put a smile on my face! And just think–what could have been HARD as you navigate stores with toddlers, became an opportunity to connect in a positive just-right-for-toddler-way…making future store visits just a bit easier 🙂

Lovely moments. Relationship building moments.

Moments that say, “I care, I know you can do it, I have confidence in you, your feelings are okay, you’re safe, you can count on me, you are a competent and capable person.”

Find a moment today with your child and just be. Connect, listen, deposit into your relationship. It really is simple.

And make it a relationship-building week!
Enjoy,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

React, Correct, Direct…

August 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

React, Correct, Direct…

We do this. Sometimes all day long. With our kids, our partners (just ask my husband or daughters!), our friends, our co-workers and maybe even ourselves…

We react and then correct what they say, do, or feel. We tell them what they should say, do, or feel. And the sad thing is how it can ultimately leave all those involved feeling quite DIS-connected from one another. I’m sure you’ve felt this—when your partner or co-worker tells you what you did wrong, how to do it right, and how it can leave you feeling embarrassed, uncomfortable, resentful, often begrudgingly doing it their way, the right way, the whatever way. And now—disconnection. Big time. Uncomfortable, awkward, upsetting DIS- connection.

This is how our children feel as we go through the day reacting, correcting and directing.

You know the drill, I’m sure. Your child is re-counting a story filled with lots of big feelings (hers) to daddy—maybe one about a Great Big Fall she had, or how a favorite dish broke, or that when she wanted a turn with her friend’s scooter, her friend was MEAN and wouldn’t let her.

You, listening in, find yourself saying, “Honey, it wasn’t that big of a fall. You hardly got hurt. Tell daddy how we went to the park and how much fun you had there.” Or, “No, no, no. The dish didn’t just fall by itself and break! You were not being careful and dropped it. Next time you better let me handle the dish.” Or, “I think you should tell daddy how you weren’t very nice to your friend and wouldn’t share your bike with her, so of course she didn’t want to give you a turn on her scooter!”

Or maybe the React, Correct, Direct, looks more like this:

As your child studies the sky and states quite loudly how it is GREEN today, you say, “Skies are blue, sweetie. Be sure to say the right color.”

As your child exuberantly colors with BIG strokes across his coloring book page, you say, “Stay in the lines! Here, this is how you do that…”

When your child shows you how she has finished her math worksheet for school and is ready to head out to play, you take a quick look and see that a number of the problems are incorrectly answered. You say, “You didn’t do those right. These questions are wrong. You can’t go outside to play. Sit down and finish it correctly.” And when she gets really frustrated and upset, you say, “You don’t need to be so mad. Just sit down and get it done!”

Maybe your child experiences a Great Big Sad to him and melts down in a heap with HUGE alligator tears and you say, “Don’t cry. Here, this is how you do it. See? I did it for you! You don’t need to be so upset.”

So many examples. We all fall into this React, Correct, Direct. And it is the disconnection that results that really is what makes everything else so darn hard. And even though we do this with good intentions—helping our children learn what we see as positive, productive, and “right”—we actually are communicating so many relationship-depleting things…such as:

“You need me to tell you what to do.” “I don’t have confidence in your abilities…” “How you feel isn’t important.” “I know better than you how you feel!” YIKES.

And just think how the wonderful, creative, imaginative ideas are now squashed, exuberance is dimmed, self-confidence undermined, upset often resulting. Now our kids are more likely to resist, push our buttons as they react right back at us, or perhaps withdraw as they silently comply. Now OUR job as parents just gets harder.

DIS-connection. It really makes everything harder.

What to do? How about PAUSE, first and foremost. Consider your words and your intent. Start with a question or describe what you see. Affirm feelings, always! It really is a simple “recipe” that can be oh so hard to follow. Again, just ask my husband. Or daughters. You see, I write so much about what I’m needing the most, too :-).

So try this. Think instead: PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, (Re)-Connect.

Then try a few of these on:

“You have so much to share with daddy!” And maybe that’s as far as you really need to go :-). Affirming and descriptive. And oh, the possibilities left wide open for all those ideas and stories to e-x-p-a-n-d, be relished, hopefully lived. Or those more productive choices gently shared and talked about—all because you chose to PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, and keep connection at the forefront.

“Yes, the dish did break. I wonder what would help all of us be more careful with the dishes…hmmm….” Describing rather than blaming. Reflection. This “Reflect” word? It goes two ways—it can be reflecting back what your child is saying OR it can be you taking the moment to consider just what you really want before stepping in to partner alongside your child. Ever so respectful.

“You and your friend had a hard time today, didn’t you? It’s not much fun when that happens. Do you have any ideas for tomorrow when you two are together again?” What a way to let your child know hard times are just that, hard times, and that they have the power to do things differently and explore their own ideas for creating positive change. Relationship building on so many levels! What a way to Partner…

“The sky looks GREEN to you! Can you tell me what more you see as you look so high in the sky?” What a way to encourage and affirm their creative, imaginative selves, to Reflect and Partner alongside as you crane your neck up to study the ever-so-GREEN sky!

“Look at all the coloring you are doing in your coloring book! WOW!” And if lines are an absolute to stay within, then, “You really want to color with BIG strokes. This book is for practicing inside the lines. Would this paper work for all those BIG strokes of yours?” Reflecting what you see. Partnering as you show your child the possibilities…

“I can see you’ve finished your math worksheet. Are you feeling good about the work you’ve put into it? Great! You can head outside to play until dinner, if you like.” Or, “You’re done! Would you like to go over it with me now, or after you play outside?” What confidence in their abilities is communicated! What a way to Partner with your child to help them feel capable, successful, in charge of themselves. What a way to grow the kind of Connection that builds relationships in such healthy ways.

“Oh how SAD you are! It really was upsetting for you.” And instead of hurrying up to “fix” the sad, sit in it for a bit. What a respectful way to say, “Your feelings matter.” What a way to Reflect so they can better understand their feelings. What a way to Partner in their Great Big Sad. Truly a deposit into growing the kind of Connection you want the most—calm, respectful, trusting…

And now your child more likely feels heard, listened to, understood–respected. They are given a chance to think their own thoughts, share them in their own way, reflect on and beyond whatever they are experiencing. And now? They grow their ability to manage themselves that much more. To grow their capable, competent, creative selves. To problem solve, dream, share, think, listen, and hear :-).

And to feel truly and wonderfully connected. What a way to grow. What a way to THRIVE. What a way to feel affirmed and empowered, wanting to learn more, curious about life, feeling increasingly confident from the inside out. And now? When we DO have to correct and direct? Disconnection no longer rules, for the foundation of connection is strongly in place. Now any disconnection that is felt is more likely to be talked about, expressed productively, understood, forgiven, and turned into the connection that is key for growing well.

Today, PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, and (Re)-Connect. What a difference this can make. You and your child are worth all the work you are doing to parent well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Ready for Kindergarten!

August 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional Comment

Have a Five or Almost Five Year Old? Or a Will Be Just Six in the Fall?

Here’s what a Ready For Kindergarten child “looks” like:

Confident. Persistent. Cooperative. Collaborative. Empathetic. Self Controlled. Problem Solver. Creative. Communicative. Curious.

And here is what it takes to GET a little one ready for school–to have that solid SOLID foundation from which all else grows:

Playing, talking, singing, and reading together

with a fully present adult.

(Thank you to Best Beginnings for the pictures that made this photo and for all the work you do to help children and families!)

And I’ll add a few other things for that foundation upon which all else can flourish:

A parent who is intent on growing themselves to be better, stronger within, more confident and clear, able to be calm and comfortable in whatever their child throws at them (OR, acting-as-if they are as they work at strengthening just this!)…PAUSE. It really makes a relationship-building difference.

A parent who takes responsibility FOR the kind of physical and emotional environment their child grows in. And works at keeping it healthy all through the years.

A parent who takes responsibility FOR understanding child development, reaching out for help, discovering resources and all other support, knowledge, encouragement available–and then uses it.

A parent who takes responsibility FOR how they decide to think, feel, and act no matter how their child decides to do the same. And hopefully decides to do so from a respectful, kind place. Relationship-building all the way. More on this can be found here.

And now a child–with wonderful talking, singing, playing,

and reading with their special and present adult and an adult

who grows their calm, consistent, confident, responsible TO

their child selves–can more likely flourish.

And BE ready for Kindergarten and all things SCHOOL. Sometimes at age 5. Sometimes at age 6.

Check out Best Beginnings –lots of fantastic resources for parents no matter where you live.

Let the learning begin.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Is it too late?

July 29, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

I had an email recently from a parent who was sad. Crummy, reactive interactions have been defining his relationship with his young teen daughter. He has read my book, “Parenting Inspired,” yet still wonders, “Is it too late to have a positive and healthy relationship?”

NO.

It is never too late to deposit into your

relationships in relationship building ways. It is never too

late to create positive change.

I wrote to this parent that he had LOTS of company when it came to “crappy interactions” that then leave us feeling bad, guilty, consumed.

I shared how many a morning interaction in our household with teen daughters turned AWFUL and off to school the girls went, and I was left with overwhelming guilt and bad feelings.

When they’d come home in the afternoon they’d be well beyond whatever we parted with…yet I was there “needing” the re-connection in order to feel better. Not a healthy way to be. Their ability to let it go and move on was a constant reminder to me of where I needed to grow.

I told him to start with being kind to himself. Take care of his upset, do what you need to do just for you to start to settle and feel a bit better. Self-care…pausing…absolutely necessary.

I talked about the stage of increased independence young teens are in–an absolutely necessary stage for being ready to “fly” in a few years. That our teen’s reach for independence often looks scary to us; feels scary to us. Is scary.

I asked him to, as he paused to care for himself, think about times he has enjoyed his daughter–where their relationship HAS felt good. Little moments, big moments–it doesn’t matter. Just consider them. Because they are there.

I asked him to think about how HE felt during these good moments. Calm? Comfortable? Light-hearted? Connected? Present? Undistracted? Adventurous? Matter-of-fact? Accepting?

Then I encouraged him to reconsider his “crummy interactions” with the feelings he felt during the good times “in place.” What could be different? What might you do or say now? How might feeling (calm, comfortable, accepting…whatever) influence this heated–or potentially heated–situation?

And then…HOW to do this. I’ll bet, if you are a regular follower of me, you’ll guess what I’ll say next…

PAUSE.

Discover what works for him to pause as he recognizes the heat climbing. Create mental or physical space. Use encouraging self-talk. Take a deep breath. Move away and focus on a chore. Discover what works to pause and calm yourself down. From there, I told him, you can consider what it is you want the most–and for him, it is knowing he is building a strong, respectful relationship and a daughter ready to “fly.”

From there, he can re-connect. Step back into the fray with his daughter, and respond–with more calm in place, more clarity of what he really wants.

The outcome? It may still be uncomfortable and often is. It may still be LOUD on the teen’s part. It may still be leaving dad feeling uncertain–and with that calm in place, greater clarity, and the ability to re-connect what is communicated is respect. Respect that says:

His teen can count on him to keep it together even when she cannot. She can count on what her dad says, he means and will do. What a way for her to feel safe despite all her big feelings and teen angst.

His calm re-connection communicates confidence in HER ability to work through a reactive moment. It role models the essential life-skill of pausing.

Ultimately, it can influence the outcome in many, many positive, relationship building ways. I told him–trust this.

And to let me know, as he just focuses first on pausing before re-connecting, what is different for him. For his daughter. And how he can now know that he is depositing into just the kind of relationship he wants the most–even if he can’t “see” it for some time. That’s what it’s often like with teens.

I hope to hear back from this dad. I hope to hear back what I know can happen–that by “just” pausing, he feels so much better, more confident, more connected. What a gift it can be to his daughter. What a gift it can be to their relationship.

With appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh Those BIG Alligator Tears!

July 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! One full of BIG feelings.

A mama caring for a 4-year-old (Mr. G), a 3.5-year-old (Mr. K), and two infants–8 and 10-months old. And a visitor (me), Miss Alice.

A handful, at times. You know, preschoolers being out-of-bounds, LOUD and BIG, insistent and ever-so-exuberant in all things? And boys, to boot.

Mama was rocking one baby to sleep, and another was crawling all around. Boys playing EXUBERANTLY downstairs….and then:

“NO! NONONONONONONONO!” STOP!!!” Feet pounding up the stairs, BIG alligator tears and wails and all-things-UPSET.

And here’s the beginning of what I had the privilege to witness. A lovely, just-right working through of BIG feelings that was all-things-relationship BUILDING and all-things positive and essential growth for young children.

Mama slowly and calmly moved from rocking baby, to kneeling down on the floor, opening up her arms and Mr. K. poured himself into her lap…Mr. G stood next to her, his words running over themselves as he said,

“Mr. K tugged and pulled and I wanted to go see Miss Alice and he PULLED my shirt like THIS and and and…”

Tears of discontent and “NONONO! I wanted Miss Alice and my Quiet Time and he he he he…” from Mr. K sobbing in Mama’s lap.

Mama, calm and quiet, rubs Mr. K’s back as he buries his head, reaches out and touches Mr. G and says to him, “Mr K tugged and pulled on your shirt and you didn’t like that.”

Mr. G, “NO. I didn’t! I wanted to see Miss Alice FIRST!”

Mama, “You wanted to get up the stairs fast to see Miss Alice.”

Mr. G, “YES. And he..he..he pulled on me like THIS…and I didn’t LIKE it and I didn’t want to stop…” and he took a breath and stopped for a moment. Mama looked at him and smiled in an understanding way.

Then Mama turned her attention to Mr K, “Mr K, I’d like to listen to what you want to tell me, now.” And Mr K broke out into fresh sobs and said, “I wanted to do my Quiet Time with Miss Alice and Mr G wouldn’t let me and he wouldn’t STOP when I said STOP so I pulled on his shirt to STOP him….”

Mama, “You really wanted to see Miss Alice and invite her to join you for your Quiet Time. You were really worried that you wouldn’t be able to do this because Mr G wanted to see Miss Alice, too.”

“Yeeeeeessssssss!”

Mama paused. She looked at Mr G standing there next to her, listening intently with furrowed brow and said, “Mr G, how are you feeling right now?”

And here’s where something lovely happened–Mr G PAUSED. He thought for a moment…and then said, “Happy…AND mad!” To our complete delight and surprise, as you can imagine! Yet it made sense…

Happy because he had been listened to. Happy because he could count on being heard and respected. Happy because real and meaningful attention was being given to something very serious to two little boys. MAD because he really didn’t LIKE having his clothes tugged and pulled on. MAD because he really wanted to “go see Miss Alice first.” And able to express both because attention to feelings has been meaningful work in his family.

And Mr K chuckled. In the midst of his sobs, he heard Mr. G’s words and they brought a bit of laughter and lightness even to Mr K.

Then Mama, also smiling a bit, said, “Mr K, how do YOU feel right now?” And that bit of laughter subsided and he said, “I’m NOT happy. I’m SAD.”

And tears all over again.

This mama? She sat on the floor in the midst of all the Great Big Mad and Sad. She reflected back to each boy what they said. She listened carefully to both. She never once tried to solve their conflict. She never once offered up a distraction or tried to hurry through it all. She never ONCE admonished Mr G for pushing past Mr K to “be first” or Mr K for pulling on Mr G’s clothes to try to stop him. This was important, for this really wasn’t where the real learning needed to be. It needed to be on understanding feelings and being heard and comforted for both boys to actually learn and grow and eventually listen and understand each other. And eventually NOT push past or tug on clothes.

She sat in this all even with one baby crawling up and over and around and in and out and the other fussing a bit since the rocking had slowed. Also both needing some attention…and yet…seemingly able to wait.

She just sat and listened as they re-hashed and re-told and re-demonstrated what felt like an injustice on both their parts.

You’d think it would go on forever, with no distraction or new idea or “Okay, boys, enough already” from Mama. But instead, they both–ON THEIR OWN–reached the point of done. They BOTH felt heard, comforted, sorted out. They both got to that place of feeling in charge of their feelings, in charge of themselves, and empowered because of this.

Seven minutes. That is what this took. And then Mr K got up from Mama’s lap, grabbed his Quiet Time backpack, took Miss Alice’s hand and off they went to be together.

Mr G watched them go, then turned to Mama and said, “Let’s play hide and seek!”

That’s all. I had the privilege of watching all of this. I had to work at pausing, too, you know. I wanted to “jump in” a bit. All those BIG feelings? They feel a bit uncomfortable. You want to fix them, make them go away, stop them. I knew better and I paused, but I want you to know I, too, can feel uncomfortable in another’s big feelings.

I took my lead off of Mama. I took my lead off of my own words to all of you. I let a PAUSE lead MY way. It let me watch. Listen with care. Notice and appreciate. And it had me going to kneel next to the boys near the end of it all and offer my hand to Mr K and let him know I, too, was ready for Quiet Time.

Truly a lovely, important, necessary exchange for all.

Today, let a PAUSE lead your way. Let it slow you down a bit, allow you to really listen to another, observe a situation, notice what can be appreciated. What a difference this makes. A real, meaningful difference. These two boys? They still have challenges and conflicts with each other. AND they move through them more and more on their own. Because they CAN. They know they will be heard, respected, understood. And really, that can make all the difference.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Parenting Label Do You Wear?

July 14, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I have been asked if I’m “pro-attachment parenting, co-sleeping, full-term breastfeeding, baby-wearing, etc…” I have to admit, I had to look up what exactly some of these labels meant. This question gave me pause…

Labels can be powerful and often limiting.

They make it hard to be something else (especially when we label our children–and that deserves a post all on its own). Labels often create walls and put people in a defensive position. Labels can create ‘right vs wrong.’ And labels can be empowering, as well, providing identity, community, and encouragement.

So, what am I? If I need to put a name to it, I am pro-respectful parenting. Respecting children, parents, and myself. What does this mean?

That I encourage parents to discover what works in respect to them, to their child (and this includes understanding child development), to their situation and environment. I encourage parents to listen to and trust their intuition; to discover what works for them.

It is OKAY to:

…nurse, bottle, formula-feed; make your own baby-food or buy baby-food
…co-sleep, use a crib, hold your baby
…wean early or wean late; wean to a cup, wean to a bottle
…be a stay-at-home, work-outside-of-the-home, or work-at-home parent
…use pacifiers or thumbs or fists or breasts or…
…carry your baby close or give them lots of floor time
…let your baby or child work themselves to sleep or rock and keep them company until they are asleep
…use paper diapers or cloth diapers or maybe in your culture no diapers?
…ask for help and take only what works for you; ask for help and try on new ideas. Just ask for help when needed!
…parent positively…until you feel exhausted and then be a bit less positive (and then ask for help and take a break!)
…home-school, un-school, public school, private school, optional school
…go organic or non-organic; make meals or buy meals or enjoy someone else’s meal
…get a babysitter and take time for yourself or be 24/7 with your children
…label yourself and change your label

It is okay. Each and every one of us are on an amazing journey as parents. As we support and encourage each other in what works for ourselves, in listening to our intuition and trusting it–no matter what others are saying we should do differently–we can feel respected. And when we feel respected we often find ourselves listening with care to different ideas, opening ourselves to trying new things, and doing it all in respect to ourselves and our children. We can parent well.

I am pro-respectful parenting. This is a label I can live by.

With appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calm, Consistent, and Connected

July 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through.

Key for building healthy, strong, respectful relationships and children who can cooperate and collaborate; children who can truly be in charge of themselves in ever increasing ways…children who can thrive.

When we keep our promise by following through calmly with what we say we’ll do, our kids now can count on us--they can count on what we say we will do. THIS is how trust is built and is key for a healthy and strong relationship. Whether it is following through with a promised treat, a lost privilege, or walking alongside them through the result of a choice they made–no matter how they choose to behave. And oh yes, there is where it can get hard!

Keep in mind the PAUSE that is essential so you really can be calm and connected as you help them along, despite BIG feelings, buttons being pushed, a puddle of a tantrum thrown.

Ideas for you directly from my book (and where more can be found!), “Parenting Inspired”:

~”You carried your plate all the way to the counter! Now you are ready to play our family game. Let’s go get daddy and brother to join us!”

~”I can see it is too hard to keep the milk in the cup or swallowed down to your tummy. Time to be all done.” And the cup gets put away as you stay (or act-as-if!) matter-of-fact and maybe even lighthearted as the beginnings of a tantrum rear up…or jello legs and arched back occur… 🙂

~”You buckled all by yourself! Now we can go. Let’s go drive drive drive to the library and choose LOTS of new books!”

~”You really don’t want to be buckled at all. Time to buckle and be safe. I will do it for you.” And you can sing-song your way through what might be a struggle, commenting as-if just to yourself about how at the library (where perhaps you are headed) you KNOW there is some way-cool books about bugs, buses, or monsters–whatever your little one is fascinated by! Then letting go of whether they get interested in your musings or choosing to still be MAD.

~“All ready! Thank you for gathering your jacket and backpack. We are headed out on time!” And now you and your child get to share funny stories or a yummy snack because all is good as you drive down the road…and you let them know how much you enjoy this!

~“It seems it’s too hard for you to get your backpack ready. It’s time to go.” And off you go, perhaps minus the backpack (and now your child has the opportunity to discover that minus his backpack he doesn’t have his lunch or homework, hopefully influencing him the next morning to be more likely to gather all he needs…). Or maybe WITH the backpack and little to no attention on the fact that you grabbed it, giving your child the opportunity to still feel grumpy and slow as molasses about having to go…rather than focusing on how you’ll take care of packing the backpack for her :-).

~”Thank you for coming home by eight. I appreciate you respecting the rules. Now, tell me all about your evening! I’m excited to hear what you and your buddy ended up doing for the project you are working on…”

~”You chose to come home late. I can tell you had a great time, but know that my car will be off limits to you until Sunday.” And on Saturday when your teen is begging for the car? You get to understand his frustration, reiterate that on Sunday he is welcome to use it once again, and ask him if there is another solution to his feeling stuck without it…keeping the loss of your car entirely his responsibility.

~”You chose one more turn! Thank you for being ready to head upstairs. Now we may have time for an extra book or two tonight. Which ones do you want to read?”

~”Two more turns just didn’t feel like enough. I can tell you are disappointed. It is time to head upstairs. I can carry you or you can run up as fast as you can!” And with that light sense of humor in place you choose to be a slithery snake headed up the stairs…or a mama octopus with so many arms to wrap around your writhing child as you then put your attention to what the upstairs has awaiting… 🙂

What does this require from us?

Clarity on what we want them to learn about in the long and short run.

Our ability to be OKAY in the big feelings that may erupt. That’s where PAUSE comes in!

Our patience as we have to do some of this over and over again.

Our ability to affirm out loud just what it is we want more of.

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through. What a way to communicate “You can trust me and count on me.” What a way to say, “I hear you and I understand.”

What a way to help a child learn a bit more about

themselves, to grow their capable and competent selves, to feel safe even when they feel MAD. What a way to grow respectful, healthy, strong relationships.

Today, let your child know they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do--calmly, matter-of-factly, lightheartedly…maybe even with a twinkle in your eye, if you can. At the minimum, with a PAUSE in place so you can step in with calm connection leading the way no matter how YOU feel!

Find a collection of my work to inspire you as you strive to parent well here: “Parenting Through Relationship.”

Here’s to you!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Relationship-building All Around

July 5, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

~ The mom with the 3-year-old caught in the check out line and the little guy’s intense desire to have SOME thing from the racks enticing him. Mom’s ability to calmly say “No”, to pick him up as he began to scream, to gently and firmly hold his arms as he began to hit…and continue on with dealing with her groceries. I so appreciated her ability to stay calm and firm and kind to her son; I completely empathized with her caught in the very public forum and the many unkind looks being given and I completely disagreed with the “She should control her child! He needs some DISCIPLINE!”

Her ability to stay calm, firm, and kind communicated just what her son needed the most…

…that he could count on her to keep it together even when he could not; that she had confidence in his ability to (eventually) manage himself despite his disappointment with her “no.” What a fabulous way to walk alongside her son, guiding him through a challenging moment–truly teaching him self-discipline. What courage and resilience on her part!

~ The 24-year old and her 8-year-old buddy spread out on the floor absorbed by the board game, Settlers of Catan. She teaching him with patience, twinkly eyes, and obvious joy. He listening intently, asking questions, and continually wiggling, jumping, cartwheeling off furniture and back to the game.

I truly appreciated seeing such amazing evidence of a

lovely and close relationship that has been intentionally deposited into for years.

I smiled over the constant motion of the 8-year-old; the twinkly eyes and patience of the 24-year-old; the laughter over funny faces shared and delight in each other that was ever so clear.

I especially enjoyed their good-byes…”Can we play one more time?” “Oh, how I’d like to, as well! Let’s make a plan to SOON.” “YES! I wish we could NOW…” and out the door he semi-bounced, semi-lingered…then back for a quick and wonderful hug.

~ The Mama with her 4-year-old son in a coffee shop. She gave the little boy the opportunity to choose his treat, to hand the money over, and best of all when they sat down–they pulled out a book to pore over! A pop-up dragon book that had the boy totally engrossed in, with occasional pokes to Mama, “Look! Did you see? Can you read this part to me?” And watching him open and close and open each pop-up page, studying it, touching it, totally absorbed by it. And Mama gave him all the time he needed to feel finished.

What a way to grow a self-directed, focused, curious boy; what a rich deposit into their relationship.

Today notice and appreciate–and enjoy!–interactions between parents and their children. Let it put a smile on your face–and better yet, go say something to those you notice–including (and maybe most importantly) the resilience or patience or calm despite the outburst. It will put a smile on their face as well.

What a way to grow just what we want more of–joyful and appreciative and caring relationships

If you enjoy reading “Noticed and Appreciated” articles, here’s another for you: The Simple Pleasures

With JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Migraines, Laundry, and a PAUSE

June 28, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A story shared with permission from a follower who paused and discovered more than she ever imagined. Let it put a smile on your face as it encourages and inspires you to keep exercising your PAUSE muscle…

I paused today, and it was transformative. I’ve fought a migraine for most of today, and all I wanted to do was get through pre-bedtime and bedtime with my three-year-old twins with minimal yelling and power struggles. I had told them that I had a headache and asked for their cooperation. Everything was going relatively smoothly, until…

…I came back upstairs from cleaning up the kitchen to find all of the clothes from their hamper upended on the floor of their room, and they were both pouring the water from their bottles onto the pile. I was LIVID. I forced myself to PAUSE, to remain calm, and that’s when I noticed they were both beaming. I asked, as quietly as I could, what they were doing.

My daughter’s answer: “Mama has a headache so we’re helping. We’re washing our own clothes. Now Mama doesn’t need to do laundry!”

What a smile this put on this Mama’s face and heart! What could have been a major meltdown on everyone’s part changed instead into a moment of real and meaningful connection–and a bedtime that followed smoothly. All because of her PAUSE. Transformational, indeed.

Her PAUSE allowed her to see the caring, compassionate little girls she was actively growing. It allowed her a moment of complete disbelief and then joy in a circumstance that, quite honestly, could have any one of us pushed over the edge. This mama, by her moment of pausing, deposited--in magnificent ways--into her relationship with her daughters. It deposited magnificently into their confident, capable, competent little souls.

HOW did she PAUSE?

Here is what she said:

“Pausing doesn’t come naturally to me. I literally had to slow my breathing down and clench and un-clench my hands to get my self to remain silent for a minute. I’m a work in progress for sure!”

And I just had to reply…for we are ALL a “work in progress!”

Here is what I told her:

“You’ve just discovered’ a way to create a PAUSE that works for you–THIS is fantastic. Clenching and un-clenching your hands–a physical action that had you able to stop and calm down. And keep in mind, there is no end goal…we are always a work in progress . Now you have a way that works that you can exercise again and again…and I encourage you to keep on noticing other ways you already are growing that pause muscle…other ways you have been successful at focusing first on yourself and finding that calm within in.”

A “simple” PAUSE can be and often is transformational. In little and then in quite tremendous and meaningful ways.

THIS can be your story. Let it be your story.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All Things Respectful To Baby

June 20, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A story for you…

A Mama, Papa, and 5-month-old baby. Baby tucked in her car seat on her stroller (in a public place) with a rather large and colorful stuffed octopus hanging from the handle in front of her. Mama sitting next to Baby, talking on her cell and awaiting the food her husband was getting.

Baby straining her head side to side, doing everything she was capable of to avoid Mr. Octopus. Fussing followed. Back arching beginning. Mama, noticing the fussing and back arching, pushed Mr. Octopus aside and lifted Baby out and onto her lap. Baby calmed…settled…

Food arrived. Baby gets tucked back into her car seat and Mama smiles at her and hands her the scrunched up paper bag the food came in. Baby delights in it! Two chubby hands come together to explore this wonderful, plain, crunchy sounding ball of paper. Smiles and leg kicking! Then…over the side and onto the floor goes the bag. Baby strains to find it…

Mama notices…but leaves the bag on the floor and plops Mr. Octopus back in front of Baby. Baby immediately fusses, arches, looks anywhere but at Mr. Octopus. Now Papa comes to the rescue…and Baby comes back out and onto a lap and settles…

Why am I sharing this story? Mostly because of the subtleties of All Things Respectful to Baby.

We so often miss just what our babies are trying to communicate–perhaps because we are distracted, busy, or because we really don’t know what they’re trying to say to us, or because, well, we are just plain exhausted.

And really, these moments fill our days and ultimately add up to make a real difference in our relationships–and in making our job as parents easier. These little moments that seem inconsequential create, over time, the foundation and relationships we ultimately want.

The little moments in this story that I truly appreciated…

…the lap time Baby received. Being out of the car seat or any other restraint when-ever possible means more freedom of movement, more of the essential touching our babies need, more connection with important-to-them-adults.

…the smiles and bits of talking she enjoyed from her Mama and Papa. Lovely moments of real and meaningful connection.

…the simplicity of a paper bag capturing her full attention! Simple, accessible, every-day items become rich playthings for our little ones.

These are important for connecting with Baby and strengthening the bond that is so essential for growing and living well.

What could have been different?

Noticing the struggle Baby had with Mr. Octopus and then respecting it by…

…Letting Baby know, “You are done with Mr. Octopus. Let’s move him out of the way…”

…Pausing and noticing how Baby might now respond to having this toy that she was done with respectfully removed.

…Asking, “Would you like to come out and sit on my lap?” prior to hauling her out.

…Retrieving the wonderful scrunchy paper bag that she delighted in and offering it back up.

…Recognizing how the simpler an item is the more a Baby can attend to it and enjoy it.

How can this make a difference?

Mama and Papa would learn a bit more about what makes Baby tick–making their job at parenting just a bit easier.

Baby would learn a bit more about how she feels, what she likes, that she can trust her parents to understand and answer her needs. The subtle yet powerful connection that results can leave Baby calmer and feeling safer–and therefore more content.

Mama and Papa can feel the subtle yet powerful confidence in understanding and knowing a bit more about who their daughter is–less guessing and more clarity in what works to best help their little one. What a way to deposit into a healthy, solid, positive relationship. What a way to grow the trust and respect necessary for leading healthy lives.

Small moments. Seemingly inconsequential.

Yet when we can become more intentional in how we interact from a respectful place starting with our babies, what a difference this makes through the years.

And the more we can do this, the less of a big deal it is when we ARE overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to do anything other than haul our baby out or plunk the offending toy back in front of them…

Look for the small moments today. Be intentional with how you notice and decide to respond. They add up and can make a real and positive difference for you, for your child, for your relationships. It’s in the small moments where we can, over time, make the most difference and the biggest impact. Really.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Connection vs Disconnection

June 13, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What time do you value with your child enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

I asked this of my husband the other day…in terms of me, not our children. I asked, because, unwittingly, he had it in his pocket and on (and due to being hard of hearing, it is on LOUD) while we were out strolling in a bird refuge. A date. Chatting with a couple we’d just met doing something similar. His cell rang, interrupting our new-found connection with the other couple; disrupting the focus of our time together–birds and wildlife and all the conversation surrounding this.

It frustrated me. You’ll be proud, though–I paused. Actually, I just walked away fuming, but still–that’s a pause. I thought about it…it took time, for I was upset, but time I had for I had left my spouse talking on the phone he answered while I disappeared down the trail. I fumed through the “How COULD he? We finally had time together…” “He KNOWS better.” “Why couldn’t he just let it go to message???” And on and on.

I processed through the upset, thanks to the space of a PAUSE.

And I came to a more settled place, a calmer place–and focused less on him and more on myself. Yes, I was hurt and discouraged. But what is it I really wanted? What is it I truly enjoy about my time with him? What fills my bucket, has me feeling connected and loved and valued? When do we have the most fun together?

THIS brought me to my question. What time do you value with your child, spouse, friend enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

It is an important question.

Especially as I see parents fully embracing this digital life style and answering or checking their cells no matter where they are or what they are doing with their children. At the zoo. In the store. At the library. During piano recitals. In the car. Waiting at the doctor’s office. When juggling groceries, child, checker, payment.

Remember when (if you are old enough to remember!) we could go off to these places knowing any phone call would be on our message machine back at home–and we could tend to them then?No need to focus on all the myriad of other things in life when we were off with our children doing appointments, errands, adventures. Those other things would be waiting for us upon our return. There was enough to focus on just doing the things we were doing.

Life felt calmer, actually. Even with the million errands.

It seems inconsequential lots of times, this answering of our cell.

We’ve set our lives up to often need to answer and check and text whenever the ‘ping’ comes in, so it can be rather foreign to consider NOT doing so. But I’d like you to consider this–what message is it giving to whomever you are with and most especially your children when the phone’s disruption is allowed as just something normal and accepted, and tending to it is something we just automatically do?

I believe it sends a message of “What we are doing together isn’t as important as what’s on my phone.” “It’s okay to be constantly distracted…that’s what relating looks like.” “I’m too busy tending to my crazy life to take this time just with you…” “The phone rules…” “You aren’t valued enough to give my full presence to.”

I believe it sends a message of disrespect. Subtle, often, but there. And for children? This permeates all they do and think and feel…and then we wonder why they don’t act respectful, listen to us, stay focused on something, cooperate…

And think about this–what are you now missing when you allow your attention to be drawn from the child you are with to whatever comes through on your phone?

I’ve seen lots of little things missed…

…The wide-eyed surprise of a child as they watch a critter at the zoo and the glance to the adult to (hopefully) share this moment. And it is lost…

…The frustrated toddler trying to manage something, and the parent missing the boat entirely due to the phone–and it ending up in World War III…because children just know when we really aren’t paying attention and they know just how to get our attention

…The way a child straightens themselves up, settles into the piano bench, glances into the audience looking for the comforting and encouraging smile from a parent…and the parent is looking down at their phone.

…The comfort a child takes in holding hands as they approach something cautiously…and the hand drops away to use the phone and the child shrinks into mom or dad…while the parent absentmindedly pats them on the back, missing the emotional and physical work of their child.

…The totally delightful play between two siblings who are dashing ahead of parents down a trail. Their funny exchanges…and then their screeching to a stop to turn around and bounce their funny right off of mom or dad…but mom or dad, they are busy on their phone.

…The intense absorption of a child in a project that you are a part of because he had drug you by the hand to come watch…a good time, one might say, to check the phone–your child is absorbed. And then, when the child looks up–whether to ask for help or show something or just needing to KNOW mom or dad are still there, watching with care–they see a parent focused on a phone.

Just a few of the little things I’ve noticed that get missed.

Now a child feels disconnected, a bit at a loss, and sometimes

this often leads right to misbehavior.

They at times try even harder to engage the parent–and end up having to “catch a parent up” with what the parent had missed. Or they just fall apart. Because it is connection–honest, present connection that matters to them. Or maybe continue on with whatever it was they were doing without seeming to care. But they do.

Because these little things? They add up. Hugely.

When tended to, they make our relationships closer, more connected, filled with joy. They show us things about our children that we need to know. They allow us to go deeper in our understanding of just why our child is melting down or feeling oh-so-proud. They give us the opportunity to really KNOW our children just a little bit more. They can be what makes or breaks a moment–or an entire day–behavior wise. They are what can create the memories you relish and delight in and can feel proud about. And now you feel closer, more connected, experiencing more joy. How cool is that?

What can you do, today, to show your child you

value your time with them enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

Can you silence it and tuck it away, knowing you have time to tend to it in half an hour?

Can you practice leaving it in the car or at home occasionally?

Can you treat it more like a home phone and give it its place in the world–at least time wise–rather than letting it become a way of life that can undermine just the kind of relationships you intend to grow?

Just think what your child could “hear” when you say, “Let me put my phone away so I can give you and our time together my full attention.” And then you do.

I hope so. I really do. I am grateful to the increased awareness of the impact–both negative and positive–our technology driven lifestyles can have on our emotional and physical well-being. On our relationships. On our children. Our awareness is growing…our ability to be intentional about how we respond to all of it can, as well.

All I ask right now is for you to PAUSE and consider what time you value with your child (or yourself!) enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone.

And then do it.

Here’s to living well,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Letting Things Rest

June 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“Let’s let it rest for a bit.”

How does that feel to you? As I read these words from Rachel Macy Stafford I feel my entire body releasing and relaxing. You?

**Rachel Macy Stafford, author of Hands Free Mama**

Letting something rest for a bit is PAUSE at its best. And if you follow me, you know I am all about pausing–I even wrote an entire book about the power of pausing and the calm connection it creates, influencing all of our relationships and experiences in positive, life affirming ways. If you are interested, you can find more on this book right here.

Let’s let it rest for a bit. And now you can breathe. Think. Reflect. Take care of you for a bit. And your child? When we say these words, we may find they push back, pester, hang on us, pleading for more, for an answer, for SOMETHING. Pretty tough, letting it rest for a bit.

When we can reassure our child that we will get back to them, we will address their idea, this issue–whatever the challenge is–following “letting it rest for a bit”, then the magic begins.

The magic? It’s the message it gives to another. “I’m listening. I accept you. I have confidence in you.” It communicates you can be counted on, trusted. It gives all feelings a space of grace. It allows for greater understanding and collaboration. Ideas can flow. Connection felt. And the best part of this?

It builds relationships in healthy, meaningful ways.

When we can “let it rest for a bit” we bring mindfulness to the forefront. And mindfulness strengthens our inner-selves–ours and our children’s. Powerful, always. And it is like a muscle–the more we can rest, pause, be mindful, the easier it gets to do so. PAUSE is a big part of this; challenges are a necessary part of this. When we can embrace any button-pushing, challenging time with a PAUSE first, we are more likely going to either “let it rest for a bit” before re-engaging, or step into it feeling like we have rested for a bit. Calmer. Clearer. Steadier. Mindfulness begins to permeate all that we do–or at least a bit more often. And what a difference this can make for all of our relationships! Connection feels genuine, deeper, more meaningful. A gentle humor is more likely to emerge. Trust strengthens. Understanding and acceptance define our experiences. Magic, truly.

Two more articles of mine that you may find helpful as you explore all that “letting it rest” can bring:

The Space and Grace of PAUSE

One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”

Here’s to each of you as you work hard at parenting well. A huge thank you to Rachel of The Handsfree Revolution. Your work is deeply appreciated!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Lessons Learned from a Preschooler

June 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Lessons learned (and eventually laughed over and currently driven nuts by) from a preschooler…

~ Feelings ERUPT from me like a volcano when I’m mad, sad, frustrated. I do everything in a big, often LOUD, definitely exuberant, often exasperating and exhausting (to you, at least) way…even when I feel especially shy and need your body or shirt to bury myself in so the world will stop looking at me. PLEASE don’t ask me to “smile at the camera” or “give Grannie a kiss” or “just CALM down!” Because it’s hard for me when the volcano in me takes over…

~ I am the Boss of ME! And when I’m the BOSS I get to choose…and you need to stay calm and consistent with just what I can expect from the choice I make…even and most especially when I choose OTHERWISE…

~ If you ask to help me I’ll say NO and if you don’t ask to help me I’ll say “Mooommmmmeeeeeee! I N-E-E-E-E-D you!” And really, I do need your help by you just keeping me company…maybe from a distance, though. Cuz I think I CAN get these tights on my legs, this puzzle figured out, this jungle gym conquered. Maybe. But I might need your help.

~ Pretending is a good thing...why NOT be a nurse, fire-fighter, kitty cat, monster, musician, mommy, baby, doctor, mail man, the best-est or strongest or prettiest dancer with a fluffy tutu or a spaceman with a helmet (but don’t forget the sword, for all spacemen really need a sword…or maybe a magic wand)…

~ I’m stronger, better, bigger, faster, louder than YOU and so is my daddy and my mommy AND my pet snake! So THERE.

~ Silly silly silly is the name of MY game! Make up songs and words and funny faces along with me. You know when I say THOSE words that you say aren’t okay? Change ’em up and you’ll have me giggling away….fudgicles, boom-BAH, silly-billy-willy. Sing me through something hard while acting it out and all things get easier: “Blowy blowy blowy goes the wind….the trees are swaying, the leaves are FLUTTERING….the clouds are P-O-O-F-I-N-G away!!!!” You’ll have me blowing and fluttering and POOFING away!! And giggling 🙂 Life gets better with SILLY.

~ Honesty is saying exactly what I see or repeating what I hear. Loudly. In public. Like at the store. Or the museum. Or restaurant. Such as “Mama, does that fat lady have a baby in HER tummy?” or “I have to POOP!” or like those times you smacked your knee on the table and said THAT word…oh that’s so FUNNY! (See the silly silly silly above!).

~ Who says I have to share? You aren’t MY friend (at least today and probably because you don’t like fish crackers like I do. Or because I think your favorite shirt is silly since it doesn’t have pockets…or…). Besides, I just don’t want to share. And if you make me? I might just turn into a volcano all over again…mostly because I just don’t understand why I have to stop MY turn just so SHE can have a turn. This is all so confusing…

~ I’ll give you LOTS of practice at being embarrassed! And mad, too. Especially out in public. I think you NEED practice, because I know JUST how to push your button and it is rather entertaining watching you get all hot and bothered…but really, it’s scary to me, too, because aren’t YOU the grown up?

~ What? You are only giving me a choice for the blue cup and the red cup?? That’s for BABIES. I need more choices than THAT. How about asking me to go find the cup I want AND pour my own milk? I AM 4, now. I can do those things. Not like when I was a BABY. (note to you mommies and daddies: up the ante on choices or suffer the consequences…AKA volcanic eruptions. From me. But also probably from YOU).

~ Company is required at the kitchen counter but I’M in charge, not YOU (remember–I am the Boss of ME) and THIS is the recipe we are making and mess is expected and licks are required…then we can have a tea party!!!! But wait, I have to get all my stuffed guys set up…and oh yeah, first I better get ’em all dressed for the party. No, I’m NOT ready to come mix the recipe, I’m BUSY. W-a-i-t!!!! You said I could have a lick! It’s my turn to mix! NOT FAIR.

Ahhh…life with a preschooler. What have you learned today from yours? What has surprised or delighted you? I know my daughter surprised ME when she turned 3.5 and…whew. I thought it was toddler years that were supposed to be hard! If I’d only known .

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Say You’re Sorry!

May 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 4 Comments

“Say you’re sorry!” “Go apologize and MEAN it.” “You don’t sound like you’re sorry to me!” “She won’t want to be your friend anymore if you don’t apologize right now…”

Sound familiar? This is a hot topic for many–we want our kids to have good manners, to truly feel and show compassion for another, to want to apologize from a heartfelt, authentic place.

Yet when we tell them “Say you’re sorry!” what are we really communicating? I think:

~I need you to apologize so I can feel better about what just happened…

~This is how we fix problems…

~I need you to do what I say so I can feel I’m a good parent…

~You need me to tell you how to feel and behave…

~I’m in control of you…(bigger and stronger wins)

~Integrity is secondary to apologies–what you do doesn’t have to be aligned with how you feel or think…just do it anyway.

Whew. Maybe not the message we really want to give. Yes, manners are important and apologies necessary.

Encouraging the growth of this from within–a genuine desire to (re)connect and show compassion, being in our integrity–is essential for healthy relationships.

Think about it. How might YOU feel if, after being hurt deeply by a friend they brushed you off with a cursory “I’m sorry…” or after a tearful yelling match with your teen that left you feeling raw, your spouse said, “How could you lose it like that?! You need to go apologize to him!”

I’d venture to say you might feel more hurt, maybe misunderstood and alone, or even mad.

Often situations our children are in that we catch ourselves telling them to go apologize are defined by just the same kinds of feelings. Hurt whether they are the one doing the hurting or being hurt; frustrated and mad their favorite toy was grabbed, a cool idea rejected, some other injustice experienced; misunderstood because their feelings and thoughts weren’t respected, because the adult missed all that led up to the conflict, because they weren’t listened to; alone because they are misunderstood, not listened to, hurt on the inside, feeling rejected; MAD because they really didn’t like what their buddy did and their feelings overflowed…

Having your child say “I’m sorry” is going to do very little for a child to grow an understanding of how they feel, why they feel, what they can do with all these feelings–all precursors to compassion. The words I’m sorry” are more often about our need, not our child’s.

So what CAN you do to grow the genuine, integrity based, heartfelt ability to apologize?

~Role model, always. Be genuine with your own apologies. Voice compassion for your child, others, and their situation.

~Name and affirm feelings of all parties involved. Just think, if your spouse, following the tearful yelling match with your teen, had said “Honey that was really tough. Let me hold you for a minute while you pull yourself together” how might you now feel? How might that change the next step you took? I bet you’d feel connected, understood, cared for–and in a better position to now re-connect with your son and apologize for losing it. And it would have come from a genuine place within you.

~Give choices/ideas: “What can you do to help him feel better?” “When you are ready to let her know you feel sorry, she’ll appreciate it.” “Can you use your words or would you like to show her you feel sorry?” Words, smiles, pats, sharing a toy, playing next to–these are all authentic ways kids can show they are sorry.

~Notice what your child chooses/does on their own to express their apology/their feelings and name it: “Thank you for offering your special stuffed guy to your friend. You wanted to help him feel better. What a nice thing to do to let him know you felt sorry.” Or, “I can tell you are letting him know you feel sorry for hurting his feelings…” Now they learn that their gesture is welcomed and affirmed, leading to–in time–using their words as well as their actions in authentic ways.

And now you are helping your child learn a bit more about what healthy, caring relationships look like.

Genuine apologies are on their way. It takes time to grow a child who can tap into their inner selves and respond with compassion and honesty in a difficult situation. Time, patience, and gentle guidance…trust this. “I’m sorry” will follow…and be truly meant.

Relationship building all around…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Which Story Will Be Yours?

May 21, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story with a do-over for you (and how we all wish for a do-over at times!):

A favorite very public play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Mama wanted to move back into the play area–for she knew well enough that if her daughter didn’t have enough time she could count on an embarrassing fit to be thrown. She felt the tension rise as she tried convincing her preschooler to finish quickly so that they could have time to play more.

Miss Four would have none of it: “NO! I’m not DONE.”

Bribing her didn’t work and threatening her that she’d have no more time to play fell on deaf ears. Mama, frustration taking over, had enough of her daughter not obeying. She turned off the faucet and pulled Miss Four out of the bathroom. Her daughter screamed and kicked as Mama, frustrated, mortified, (and fuming!) yelled right back with, “You aren’t minding me so we are going home!”

Off she marched with screaming and crying Miss Four struggling in her arms, feeling all eyes upon her. The fighting persisted all the way out to the car. By the time Miss Four was buckled in—an enormous accomplishment with a writhing four-year-old—exhaustion reigned. For both Mama and child.

As they drove home, Mama, with tears streaming down her face, thought—“Why can’t she just behave? If she’d only listen. I feel so EMBARRASSED…”

The ride home was miserable as Miss Four moved from screams to sobs to a fitful sleep. Upon arriving home, things just never got better.Miss Four got woken up too soon as she was pulled out of her car seat, the tantrum continued, Mama–at her wits end–enforced a time-out, and they both felt out of sorts the rest of the afternoon.

Sound even remotely familiar? I am most certain that you have either participated in a similar scene, or found yourself uncomfortable as you watch one unfold with another parent, friend, family member.

Here’s the deal–we DO get embarrassed, tense, even mortified–and it can leave us fuming, trying harder and harder to just make our child behave the way WE want them to. Here’s where the Power of PAUSE and the calm connection that follows can step in and make a positive impact…

Let’s replay this story with Mama taking a pause (or two or three) and letting calm connection rule:

A favorite play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Mama cringed at the potential of another round of tantrums from her preschool daughter. She knew her daughter really enjoyed what really became water play, but it usually meant a fit that playtime had to be shortened.

Mama could feel the pressure climb as she tried convincing Miss Four to be done so they can go play some more. Miss Four had none of it—“NO! I’m not DONE.”

Mama sighed. “Here we go again,” she thought!

She PAUSED by taking a deep breath and considered what she knew usually worked well for her daughter to move through these experiences with a bit more grace. She certainly had lots of experiences to reflect on, for they seem to come every 20 minutes or so… :-).

She began with letting her daughter know she could wash for one more minute and then it would be time to be all done. Something Mama knew for sure was how important it was for her daughter to have a sense of control via knowing just what to expect.

The minute passed, Miss Four was given the opportunity to turn off her faucet, yet still resisted :-). Water play really is fun!

Mama, who continued her PAUSE by staying quiet and focusing on relaxing during that extra minute (letting go of the WET that seemed to get everywhere!), calmly followed through what she had promised and reached over to turn off the faucet.

LOUD screams and tears burst forth from Miss Four.

Mama then took a few more deep breaths, reminded herself that these were tough experiences for preschoolers, and that she wanted her little one to discover she COULD handle the disappointment of being all done with something fun; that being disappointed and mad was okay and that Mama was someone she could count on to keep it together no matter how her daughter felt.

Mama’s pausing via breaths and encouraging self talk helped her act calm despite the fit from her daughter. She, acting as if she had the calm confidence she knew could make a difference, gathered up her puddle-of-a-four-year-old as best she could saying, “I know you wanted to wash for longer. It’s disappointing when you have to be done with something fun” and took her out into the hall that led back to the play place. “Here’s a good place to get your mad out. I will be right here and when you’ve calmed down and feel ready, we can go play some more.”

Miss Four continued with her MAD—yelling at her mom, lying on the floor kicking and crying.

A play place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”

And Mama waited–a PAUSE once again! Respectfully so.

Miss Four eventually wound down and Mama stepped close saying, “I can see you are feeling calmer. Are you ready to go play a bit more?”

“YES!” her daughter exclaimed. And off they went, with Miss Four zipping ahead saying, “Watch me, mommy!” Fours have an amazing power to flip from incredibly frustrating to wonderfully delightful :-).

When it was time to head home, Mama fully expected a total meltdown once again, and was pleasantly surprised (and relieved!) to find that instead her daughter expressed her sadness with her words and stomping feet, “I don’t WANT to go. I LIKE it here…can we come back soon???” instead of kicking and screaming. They commiserated together as they stomped out to the car, buckling in with little effort. They returned home, shared a snack, and had an unremarkable afternoon together.

With her Mama creating pauses for herself, and leading the way with calm connection, Miss Four was able to better manage HER self all through the afternoon.

Whew! What a difference! Know this can be your experience, as well. With practice, a PAUSE, and the resulting calm confidence that can follow, you can expect (over time) a child who manages challenging moments with far more grace–for they will feel more in charge, capable, and confident.

And the best part? Parenting can get a bit easier. Let my book, “Parenting Inspired,” help YOU create the positive change you want the most. Know that this story (from PAUSE) and more await you as you read my book(s)…

Make it great today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

My Own Struggles

May 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Something I want to be clear about is how I came to my continual mantra of respectful parenting.

Maybe you think I’ve done it “right” as I’ve raised my two daughters. Maybe you think, “Oh man, if I can only live those words Alice speaks of…” Or perhaps you throw up your arms and think you could never step into pausing and calming yourself enough to let go of trying to control your child so you can feel better.

Well, let me be clear that I am where I am and share the insights and wisdom I share BECAUSE of all my struggle at control.

Controlling my daughters in such a way that they were sure to excel. That way I could feel like a success!

Controlling my husband in such a way that he’d parent the way I wanted him to…because, of course, how I did it was the right way. Right?

Controlling my daughters so they wouldn’t make mistakes that I’d feel uncomfortable with. Like teen pregnancy. Or drugs and alcohol. Or a speeding ticket. Or failing a class. Or failing at a sport. Failing, period.

I struggled, just like you. I shared recently Dr Justin Coulson’s video clip “How to Raise an Independent Child with the Right Values”–all about building great relationships. It’s important.

You know where I didn’t struggle? With my babies and toddlers. Preschool age sorta threw me–it’s that control thing. Preschoolers are all about “out-of-bounds” in everything they think, feel, and do–demanding greater autonomy. I was all about growing independent future adults.

My way.

And preschool years helped me grow a bit (alot)…learn just what kind of autonomy was important at that age.

Then I was challenged GREATLY once again come teen years. And it took my eldest showing me the way as I (eventually) learned to let go a bit more.

I had a choice–to wreck my relationship with her or to continue to build it in positive ways.

I had to let go. I had to get clear about all of her strengths and abilities and then TRUST her. Trust my influence. Let go of my control. It wasn’t necessarily pretty at times. And other times? It was wonderful. She was an amazing Practice Child. Her sister reaped at least some of the benefits…though of course, she brought new challenges to the table… 🙂

I worked at myself, for that is what all of this parenting is about. Growing ourselves so we can step in respectfully, as the positive influence we’d like to be, being sure to deposit into the kind of relationship we want the most.

I learned that “failing” is okay. That really, this is where amazing growth emerges. Failing. Struggle. Name it how you’d like, it is all about helping us do the growing we need to do. From the inside-out.

I’m still a work in progress. I’m still working at letting go, of controlling myself instead of others. I work hard at being present, period. Present to whom I am with, where I am at, how I am feeling, what I am thinking.

**Parenting requires our growth. You can do it.**

I did, have, and continue to.

All that I write? It comes from STRUGGLE. My struggle. I share my work and words that have come as a result of my struggle because I KNOW the difference it makes, how important it is, how we all need encouragement and support to live and parent well.

Relationships are important. You can have GREAT ones. They matter. To you, your child, our world. Let’s do them well. So here’s to you. And me. May my words continue to lift and inspire you…or at least bring you a bit of a smile and a lot of relief.

I care.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

In Honor of Mothers

May 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

We are mothers. We all have stories to share.

An excerpt from “Parenting Through Relationship” for you:

In honor of YOU for Mother’s Day, and in honor of the most difficult and rewarding job you are in the midst of, and in honor of the village it takes to support a mother well, here are a few stories of mine to bring a smile to your face, a bit of understanding to your heart, a chance to feel all the good company you have as you move along your parenting journey…

…being sleep deprived for months on end and trying once, for one hour on one evening, to let my baby cry herself to sleep.

…being blown out of the water by the transition from a terrific two-year-old to an out-of-bounds, testing, cranky 3-year-old (and here I was supposed to ‘know’ what to do, since this IS my profession!) and crying on her preschool teacher’s shoulders as I struggled with this chaos presented to me.

…totally confused over what consequence I needed to impart to ‘make my child behave.’

…captivated by how my little ones explored, how absorbed they were in little things like lids on containers, buds on bushes, dried up moose poop and how it crumbles when you squash it

…being in tears over the mean girl stuff and hurt feelings my elementary girls found themselves in the midst of…and wondering what I needed to do. That was a really tough one.

…having times of sheer frustration of THAT TONE of my teen, of the eye rolling, the sarcasm, the desire for greater independence (which meant I had to calm myself down and let go of the control I so wished I could hang on to!).

…being totally delighted as I watched my girls in any and all of their endeavors–whether it was organized sports, a neighborhood capture the flag game, music performances, a teen party that ended in a pool-noodle-whack-fest.

...praying with my husband that our two young adult daughters were safe and sound even though they were hours overdue and up in the snowy mountains of Oregon.

…standing by my NO–and caving in just as often.

...struggling with leaving my young daughters with their first babysitter…oh heck, just finding the babysitter I could trust completely!! No one is like mom…right?

...being unable to tear my eyes away from my (finally!) sound asleep and simply adorable babies–even thought I had a ton of chores to catch up on!

…staying up w-a-y too late just to actually have a quiet conversation with my husband and paid for it by exhaustion the next day. Oh, but it was worth it. So was conquering the always growing pile of laundry. Felt good, waking up the next day with THAT job out of the way.

I’ve laughed, cried, relished, cherished, fought, yelled, hugged, fallen asleep while reading endless piles of books, and was a short order cook on many occasions. Just like each of you. My stories are how I got to where I am now, to being able to share with you, support and encourage you, hopefully inspire you. Your stories can do the same for others.

Parenting is simply the most rewarding and most difficult

job we will ever do; we need each other to carry us along.

I hope you will consider me a part of YOUR village. My work is here to support, encourage, and empower YOU.

Make YOUR Mother’s Day as special as you are.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Hold My Hand, Please

May 5, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

It was beautiful to watch. The “dance” I saw between a mama and a 2.5-year old.

It was time to cross a busy parking lot. Mama stopped on the sidewalk back from the curb a bit, looked down at her son and said, “It’s time to cross the parking lot. Hold my hand, please.”

And toddler did what toddlers do best.

“NO.”

Mama paused, tried again to no avail. Then she did what I consider a lovely thing. She knelt down next to her son and said, “Look. See the cars driving? We need to hold hands to be safe. When you are ready to take my hand, we will head to our car.”

And she stayed right there, knelt down, next to her son just waiting quietly, calmly. Mr Toddler shifted from one foot to another. He watched all the cars. Mama waited in this pause mode of hers. Now and again she pointed out the busy cars. Always she had her hand resting on her toddler, just in case.

Then toddler did just as I expected he would–he reached up with his hand for Mama to hold and they walked across the parking lot together. Mama let him know, “Thank you. You are ready to go!”

Why did I expect this, rather than the toddler who suddenly takes off and runs? Because of the way Mama was quiet, calm, and respectful. I could tell this was her norm; I could tell her son felt her calm connection. He, as a result of Mama’s calm, was way more focused on studying the busy cars that his Mama called his attention to, rather than reacting as a result of being told what to do.

He trusted her; she trusted him. What a beautiful dance.

I caught up to them and I told this mother what a lovely moment that was to watch, her respectful way of being with her son, her ability to pause, be clear about his choices, and wait a bit for him to be ready. Her eyes sparkled and she shared, “Being my third child, I think I finally figured it out!” And we both laughed.

I share because of the simplicity. I share because of how powerful pausing really is for all involved. It always communicates respect. Mama, instead of just picking up her son or grabbing his hand to hurry along the way, waited just long enough for him to feel capable and competent in HIS decision making. The cool thing? How this–in time and over time–makes your job as a parent easier. Calm connection. It is powerful and it is the result of pausing.

When we can take a bit more time to gently and respectfully connect with our child, magic can happen. When we can PAUSE and consider what we want in the long run, the big picture, down the road a bit, we can more likely step in and create this respectful, calm connection that has a child listening, learning, understanding, and cooperating–maybe in time, maybe after doing this day in and day out. Maybe after raising your first two Practice Children 🙂

With a PAUSE muscle strengthened, life really does slow down a bit, relationships feel stronger, JOY is more readily experienced. What a gift to you, to your child. When we can tip the balance to parent with a PAUSE in place, it matters way less those times when, instead of kneeling down and talking a bit, you scoop them up and get where you need to go no matter their wiggles and hollers. It matters way less those times we just don’t PAUSE.

Today, tip the balance. PAUSE, kneel down, take a bit of time with your child. Connect–calmly, respectfully. Then do it again, tomorrow. And again. You will see the magic begin to unfold.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Too Much, Too Soon…

April 30, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Hurried children. Too much too soon often equals not enough.

Not enough…

…of their developmental needs being met–emotionally and physically.

…of down time, free play time, non-adult directed time.

…space to discover for themselves what they like and don’t like, can and can’t do, is their responsibility and is not their responsibility

…family time–often translated as meals together, or outings, or games played.

…OUTSIDE time. Kicking around, exploring, climbing, playing, daydreaming.

…being listened to, heard, and understood.

…respect for who THEY are becoming.

**Hurried children. It can also mean TOO much.**

Too much…

…pressure to achieve achieve achieve.
…push to try everything all at once–so many cool extra-curriculars….
…expectations to be more, better, smarter, faster, and everything SOONER
…of us trying to control their lives, decisions, thoughts, feelings, actions
…responsibility or opportunity that doesn’t match their emotional or physical developmental level.
…stress, period.

The results? These hurried children can seem

to do exceptionally well until all of a sudden they don’t.

You might find they…

…check out of just what they seemed passionate about for many years–such as a sports or other activity they did intensely since early elementary. And often this checking out has them turning to less desirable activities…
…start to fail in school. Or struggle. Or not care.
…become addicted–to drugs, alcohol, screen time (maybe as a result of checking out of the sport or activity that they lived for up until now)
…become anxious, nervous, angry. Cry. Throw even more tantrums.
…become deeply depressed, ill, unable to participate in healthy living.

You know, it often doesn’t seem a bad thing, expecting a lot from our kids, exposing them to wonderful and interesting activities at length, succumbing to their “But all my friends are doing it!” Skipping family meals regularly can be replaced with other family time. Outdoors can be “skipped” since, well, neighborhoods might be unsafe or the weather uncooperative. Unfortunately that can often mean screen time to fill the time. And that’s a whole other hurried issue as kids are exposed to things far from appropriate for their age and stage…

And yet, more often than not when we get caught up in

hurrying our children, it really is more about us.

Our need to feel the good parent; the successful parent–“I’ve got a smart kid” “I am doing it right because my child is in so many cool activities and knows how to do all these things…”

Or maybe it is about us needing to feel in control--in control of what our kids are doing, saying, thinking, feeling. One way to do this is to manage their every hour of every day…and it leaves our kids either resenting us or passively accepting our every word and action as just right for them.

It often comes from our desire to “do it right” and “make sure” our kids have every opportunity in life in order to succeed. We really do care–deeply, ever so deeply–for our children and their well being. This is our strength as parents.

And yet a hurried child is really missing what they need in order to ultimately be that self-directed, responsible, caring adult we hope for.

When we hurry, we are no longer paying

attention to what their developmental need is–we miss important things in our child’s life.

And when they don’t get their needs met we really are robbing them of the strong, inner-directed, healthy development necessary for becoming that future successful adult.

Hurried children. It really is about slowing US down. Letting go a bit. Focusing on OUR anxieties and need to be the “good parent” and calm ourselves down. Think. Find support and encouragement often. Consider just what kind of adult we intend to grow. Know, really KNOW, that slowing down, doing less, focusing on building relationships rather than building a smart kid is essential for true success. No matter what society says.

Someone I respect greatly in this field is David Elkind. Check him out. He’s written many books on this subject from preschoolers to teens. He was a professor of mine oh so many years ago at Tufts University in the Child Study department. He left an impact on me. He continues to with all of his work. And so do many, many others as we work at helping families thrive.

Here’s to you today as you sort through all the pressure our society imposes on us as we strive to parent well. It really does begin with our ability to focus on ourselves, first, and get clear about what we really want.

And yes, that hurried feeling? It’ll still exist as you rush to get out the door on time, with everyone in tow and put together. THAT hurry is rather normal…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Round and Round You Go

April 19, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Negotiating–constantly, tirelessly, endlessly. Ever so exhausting.

Or maybe it is the incredible and endless array of ideas your child has to wiggle out of something or do something or get something.

Perhaps it’s The Last Word and the struggle to HAVE the last word, since of course you are the adult. And it’s exhausting, feeling totally at the end of your rope with this constantly escalating “last word” game you play with your child.

Or maybe, just maybe, you are secretly proud of how your child demonstrates all the future skills of a lawyer. We were with ours . Until frustration and exhaustion over-rode that bit of pride…

Or all those amazing ideas? You really appreciate how creatively your child wiggles out of taking responsibility for something or gets something out of you or manages to do just what it is they wanted. Pretty cool skill of theirs. Admiration fills you…alongside the irritation, concern, wondering if really you just didn’t give in and maybe you shouldn’t have…

And really, you’d LIKE to have your child listen to your “no” the first time. Or stop already with getting in the last word. Or realize–PLEASE–that those creative ideas just aren’t going to work. EVER.

Over the last couple of days I’ve had several parents end up in tears as they shared all of the above with me. Tears because they recognize they are at a total loss as how to encourage the creativity and still be clear on boundaries. Tears because they really, really don’t like ending up in a yelling match with their future-lawyer-child.

Tears because they felt like failures as parents.

Failures because they really didn’t know how to balance the creativity, the endless negotiating, the fights over the last word with the calm, respectful, clear-with-expectations-and-follow-through they intuitively knew their child needed.

Failures because they really didn’t know how to be calm, respectful, clear AND allow creative ideas, big feelings, anger, persistence, etal to have their place. I truly hope they walked away from our brief time together feeling a bit of relief, calmer, and definitely more confident in themselves.

I believe it all comes down to PAUSE.

I know, that seems overly simple, but stay with me, here.

With a strong pause muscle you can now give yourself the moment to take a deep breath. To consider the strengths you CAN appreciate about the incredibly annoying behavior.

To see how these can be encouraged and guided so that future adult you imagine has all these skills AND the self-control, compassion, ability to truly collaborate and create with others.

To more thoughtfully and intentionally decide just what step you do want to take right now, in this moment. Even if it becomes one that clearly doesn’t work. At least you’ve now done it from a place of intention rather than just reacting–and that speaks volumes of respect to a child.

And a PAUSE allows you to tap into that inner confidence and strength you DO have and often gets lost in the overwhelming nature of parenting. It allows you to show yourself the care and compassion necessary as you make mistakes, work exceptionally hard, wish for do-overs on a daily basis. What a way to role model for your kids the essential self-care we all need in order to live well. Show yourself care and compassion–and by doing so, you are teaching your child to do the same.

Pausing can help you relax a bit. To more likely allow your child’s ideas and feelings FIRST, and then show them just what it is they can expect. To follow through with the “no” you said, to ignore their “last word” because by you just trying to get in the last word, you are role modeling the very thing you don’t want to see in them (now that was a lesson hard for me to learn!).

With a strengthened pause muscle, calm connection starts leading the way.

Now when you still have absolutely no clue as what to do, you are still communicating, “We will figure this out.” What an important message for a child to hear–that no matter how confusing, overwhelming, scary it is, “We will figure this out.”

With a pause leading the way, YOU have an opportunity to figure things out for you. To find the answers, guidance, advice, knowledge necessary to take steps to guide your child well. To forgive yourself as you stumble along this never-slowing-down journey with your kids.

And remember. All of this parenting, growth, and learning? It takes time. It is a process. A process filled with angst, joy, do-overs, support, relief, delight. Never perfect. Always a roller-coaster. Totally worth it. And so are you. It is OKAY to struggle. Let a pause be a bit of self-care.Let your struggle be the opportunity to role model for your child just what you do with struggle. Know your struggle is because you are in the midst of real learning. Just like your child.

Here’s to all of you lost in the incredible negotiation skills of your child; fighting over the last word; buried in all the creative ideas that leave you wondering how your child managed to get out of or do or get something that you never intended. You have LOTS of company!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

We ARE Responsible For…

April 7, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Have you ever found yourself thinking:

“Argh! My preschooler is driving me nuts!”

“It’s going to be super hard with my little one at the store–she can’t sit still and never listens to me!”

“He broke curfew! Now he’s going to be difficult to live with for a few days, not being allowed to see his friends. It’s going to be a rough go…”

“Oh man. She took such a short nap. Our afternoon is going to be miserable!”

“I’m already exhausted thinking about plowing through all that homework with my child. They hate it and so do I.”

We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation. Let’s choose them with care.

Just think–as we enter into these challenging moments with our children, with our thoughts on all that we see going wrong, being hard, assuming tantrums and resistance and upset–we most likely get exactly that. Hard. Tantrums. Resistance. Upset. What we focus on grows. Whatever we put our attention on, we get more of. I don’t know about you, but when I stepped into tough times with my girls thinking the worse, I got the worst. Or, even if they surprised me and did pretty well, I was already rather emotionally depleted due to my thoughts. Hard to relish that they DID do well as I simultaneously felt DONE. Not a whole lot of fun. Certainly less productive and far from relationship-building.

We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation and we need to take responsibility for them–and whatever follows as a result. Why don’t we work harder at taking care of and being intentional with what thoughts we start with? What difference this can make.

Such as intentionally deciding to use our thoughts to promote more of what we want. This starts with a pause and considering where your child does do better, work harder, listen, come home on time, etc. Let a PAUSE give you a bit of space to rest your mind on the more productive and successful times you’ve had (and sometimes these are the times you hardly notice, for your child is managing themselves well!)…and then use this awareness to help you step in and more likely create the experience you hope for right now. All by how you are thinking about things.

Try these on for size and think about how you might feel differently (and how your child might behave) as a result:

“My preschooler is exuberant! All his exponential growth is pouring out of him! Has me smiling and sighing at the same time :-). I can be patient and calm!”

“I know my little one needs lots of time to move. I know she loves to do things with me. Let’s see if I can make the store time together something she can really participate in.”

“He broke our curfew! Not seeing his friends for a few days will be tough on him. I will do my best to let him be upset. We will work through this!”

“Ahhh…too short of a nap. Let’s make our afternoon a quieter one so she is less likely to fall totally apart.”

“So much homework! What can we do to make it easier to navigate? Hmmm…”

And now? You are more likely entering into these situations feeling calmer, clearer, steadier. Maybe only a little bit more, and that’s okay. This helps you be more open to what unfolds. Creativity often steps up as you quickly re-direct your toddler at the store, offer up your exuberant preschooler just what they need to get all their BIG feelings out and expressive selves expressed, find yourself listening quietly to your very upset teen, discovering just what your school-aged child needs to focus best on homework, finding quiet time to ease your little one’s tired afternoon.

The cool thing is, instead of getting wrapped up in all that feels depleting and exhausting, you begin to see the important and wonderful growth in your child. Instead of seeing all they are doing “wrong” you begin to see all they are doing WELL or better. You will find yourself understanding your child better, appreciating the growth they are doing, and more likely discovering ways to nurture that rather than hinder it. Through the Lens of Appreciation is an article I wrote that may help you further, as you work at reframing your own thoughts about your child.

Choose your thoughts with care as you step in to respond to, guide, and be with your child. Know that this is something you can control, something that can truly make a relationship-building difference. How cool is that?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Respectful Mama and Papa Moments

April 7, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Respectful mama and papa moments truly appreciated:

~ The mama of a 13-month-old working hard at climbing up a ladder to reach the top of a slide. Young Toddler was quite focused on placing his feet with care, practicing up and down motions with each leg on each ladder rung, pausing to take in other kids’ antics around him, then back to navigating the steep upward climb he was on. This mama? She stayed quietly behind him, never interrupting, always watchful. She gave him his space to navigate on his own time. And when he reached the top? Oh his JOY over his accomplishment! And it was HIS accomplishment. Mama’s eyes twinkled at mine, for I was happily watching from the other side. Her respect shown to her young toddler to do his own work at his own pace spoke volumes to this little guy.

~The mama with a 3-year-old who has decided dogs make him quite worried…any dog, any size. Her calm self offering up her arms as he decides a dog is too close to him (this includes the ones 50-feet away and on a leash walking the opposite direction ), her soothing words as she names his worry, her respect for how long he needs to be close to her and when he decides he is ready to move away on his own. Quiet, calm, affirming…respectful.

~The papa of a 9-month-old baby in the midst of meeting many new folk always asking his little one first whether she was ready for Grandma, for Auntie, for another to hold her...and respecting her response as she either clung more tightly to papa or leaned out to the new person. Asking first, observing with care, describing what he saw, “You aren’t ready for Susan to hold you” or “You’d like to see Uncle Charlie!”, and then respecting his little one by holding her longer, or passing her over–always staying near and ready to receive her right back as needed. What a way to communicate “your feelings are valued and important…” So truly respectful.

~The mama in the hardware store who let her 5-year-old use her as the hiding place from which to play peek-a-boo and “You can’t see me!” game with another adult (me). As the rambunctiousness ramped up (yes, I really did slow down my game as she ramped up!), mama so respectfully got down next to her daughter, put her hands on her shoulders and told her in a quiet voice that it was time to settle down. Calm, gentle, quiet, yet firm. Respectful. Now the little girl and I just flashed grins at each other…letting our game go

~The parents of a kindergartner who have intentionally chosen to parent entirely differently from how they were each brought up. They both decided that “Because I TOLD you so” would not be in their vocabulary for it was always hurtful to them as they grew up in their respective households…and instead to state gently to the ever-negotiating 5-year-old, “Because I’ve asked you to…” What a simple change of words that expresses such respect. Lovely.

What have you noticed and appreciated of recent? How has PAUSE helped YOU to connect with your child from a calm, connected, respectful place? Give PAUSE a try today…it really can work wonders.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Appreciating Play

April 1, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed…

~ The parents of a young toddler who, instead of getting the markers he wanted to join in on coloring like his older sister, asked, “Would you like to go choose your own colors?” And down he climbed oh-so-carefully from the tall stool, pushed and shoved it all the way across the kitchen floor, climbed back up and reached the markers he wanted…climbed back down with them clutched in his hand and proceeded to push and shove the stool back across the floor to the counter where coloring was taking place.

Mom and dad? They watched, stayed near in case of tumbles, and communicated such confidence in his ability to take charge of himself. Fabulous!

~ The same parents who have chosen to flow with the energy of toddler and preschooler coloring style–you know, the kind where the edges of the paper aren’t really the edge of the coloring? When markers slide right off to decorate the surface the paper is on? These parents have chosen to only provide dry erase markers–easily wiped off of the counter.

No struggles, no trying to make their little ones color ‘the right way’, positive encouragement to keep the color on the paper, and calm acceptance of the explorations this age naturally does.

And lots of damp paper towels given for clean up–again, confidence communicated in their ability to be in charge of themselves. How cool is that?

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–kitty food! His full engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending…all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be.

To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy!

Enjoy your children today. Notice what they can do just for themselves that puts a smile on your face. Give them opportunities to really be in charge of themselves; give them the time and space to just be.

It is worth it.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Sharing My Joy With You

March 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

It’s been difficult for me to write for you this past year. It’s been extra difficult finding ways to expand the reach of my books–especially Parenting Through Relationship.

This book brings me such joy! And I want to share that joy with all of you. It represents all that I’ve felt since I was a little, little girl and captivated by all things babies and toddlers. That’s where all of this began for me, when I was so little myself. I chose the colors and rainbow effect because of the feelings they emanate. Feelings of joy, compassion, lightness, even deep care and compassion.

This book represents the mutual delight, laughter, magic, and deeply felt connection I experienced alongside my own mother as we both relished our time with children. Especially as she taught me so much about how to be with little children. Oh I miss her! Parenting Through Relationship makes me smile. And it encourages me, as I re-read, share, reflect–just as I know it can you, too.

I want you to fall in love with all things children, just as I have been and continue to do. To fall in love with parenting your children, with delighting in and being captivated by whatever age and stage you are in. Even during the hard of it all. Maybe especially during the hard of it all, for how else do we get through the hard if it wasn’t for our perseverance…resilience…sense of humor…deep love and commitment to our children?

I want you to be curious about and confident in just how to be and what to do with your new baby and this sometimes challenging and exhausting care-giving role you find yourself in. I want you to take your time, observe, snuggle, relish, be present with your baby and reap the rewards of a deep connection that fills you heart to overflowing. Theirs, too.

I want you to be captivated by the way your toddler examines his world ever so closely–from the teeny tiny insect he squats down on his sturdy little legs to get a closer look at, to the way his eyes twinkle as he, yet again, tests just what the limits are, just what you’ll let him do! Those smiles! Those alligator tears…

I want you to delight in your “out of bounds” preschooler, even as you find yourself pulling your hair out and dealing with, yet again, a full blown tantrum…resistance…an abundance of “WHY?!” Be amazed by their creative, imaginative selves as their world becomes whatever it is they want it to be. At least for this morning. Or the afternoon.

I want you to be entranced by the antics of your elementary aged child and how their world expands exponentially as they march off to school. Friendships, hurt feelings, fort building, game playing, sports, the pleas of “everybody else can so why can’t I?!”, learning to read and write and create create create. All of it. So much growth in these years as they begin as little Kindergartners and end as the pre-teen heading off to middle school.

I want you to know you CAN relish the tumultuous teens (and pre-teens!). That all of their tumult is all about their increased need to FLY. And fly they will. Sometimes leaving us an emotional wreck; but more often and hopefully leaving us feeling oh-so-proud as we watch them soar. Teens are terrific. So much to discover about ourselves as we work hard at guiding our teens…

I want you to relish, be captivated by, delight in, and discover the JOY of all things children and parenting. This is what my work stems from. This is what Parenting Through Relationship reflects. This is what I want for you.

To share the joy that I have lived and continue to find magic in.

To live the deep and meaningful connection that is the path of joy.

That’s all.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

“Technoference” and Your Child

March 15, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Technoference. (Check out this 2018 article: Kids are starting a revolution to get their parents to put down their phones )

Now THERE’s a new word. Here’s the deal. I speak to this often and I am grateful for research to be showing how crucial this is…

What I see more and more is how often parents are missing essential cues to their child’s feelings. With our attention often consumed by our digital devices, or our attention divided because of our digital device, we are more likely creating more of the very behavior issues we’d love to see less of.

More temper tantrums. More frustrated children, more acting up in general. And then we often dive into our device to escape from the very same…

The result? Relationships become depleted. And children have less opportunity to learn how to manage themselves, understand their feelings, know what healthy relating looks like, feel accepted and loved, feel safe and secure….

…and less opportunity to feel the connection that is relationship-building and absolutely essential for growing well.

I see it often. At the store. On walks. In parks. At schools. And, sadly, in cars…at pick up and drop off at school…

What happens? A parent is paying attention to their phone. Their child asks something. Or is intently gazing at something with concern. Or sees something that lights up their face.

Parent misses this.

Child now asks louder. Whining. Tugging on the arm. Parent gets irritated. Or throws out a “Not now.” Or, “What?” Or, “Hmmmm?” while still engaged with their phone, maybe throwing a quick glance at their child to smile, then right back to their phone. Important text or Facebook feed, right? (Snarky, I know)

Or child’s concern, now missed, has child shrinking in their seat a bit further, feeling even more worried, not knowing how to digest, process, manage, understand this feeling…or perhaps getting more upset and expressing their concern in less-than-wonderful ways. Like screeching. At the top of their lungs.

Or child who has lit up over something they saw, turns to their parent to share their delight and finds their parent totally dis-connected...or rather, deeply connected to their phone. Now that delight has no one to share it with. No one to name it, acknowledge it, take it further and truly enjoy it.

Now what? Seemingly small moments, yes. AND they add up in tremendous ways. To the point where parents have less understanding of their child’s mental and emotional state and intentions and more difficulty reading their children’s feelings, as this article speaks of.

And when these moments are missed on a regular basis, a child no longer can truly learn about themselves…the world…relationships. A parent misunderstands their child, has greater difficulty working through problems and emotional duress with their child, just plain doesn’t really know their child to the depths that they could.

As this article speaks to, our digital distraction “potentially displaces opportunities for parent-child connection important to child health and development.” And another speaks about the dangers of distracted parenting.

It all comes down to connection.

Just as the children in Germany this article follows speak of. Just as each of us so heavily desire and seemingly fulfill through our devices and then wonder why we are having an increasingly difficult time with our children.

Connection. Relationship-building connection–in real time.

Present. Engaged. Letting a bit of wonder, curiosity,

and authentic BEING in.

Today, put your phone down. Turn it to silent, tuck it away. Maybe for a bit, maybe longer. Watch your child play at the park. Stay present to your grocery store trip so you can stay present to your child’s experience at the store. Greet your child with your full-on SELF as they climb into the backseat at pick-up time after school. Eye contact. Smiles. Listening.

Your phone and texts and all things social media really can wait a bit. Most of the time. Really. And as you work at staying more fully present to your child you will start noticing so many cool things to emerge. I’m betting you’ll find yourself a bit calmer.

You’ll more likely be understanding, delighting in, becoming aware of things about your child that grow your relationship in essential ways.

You’ll more likely be feeling so much better about your time that when you do let your child know you need to tend to your phone, it will be okay. For you DO need to tend to it–that’s life. Yet now you can do so with the awareness of how it can impact and the clear intention to use it productively. Guilt will be less, patience will step up, creativity grows, things just feel BETTER.

Okay. Here’s to you today, and your child as you both work at the technoference that has become a reality. Be intentional in all you do. It matters.

You and your child are worth it.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Things Are Different These Days

March 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Spirituality Comment

I spoke with a (Grand)-dad recently who reflected on how he was brought up by a fair and firm mother. One who listened, considered, and said “no” when necessary. A mother who had clear boundaries for her son and held to them calmly and with a gentle firmness. He shared how he knew where he stood with her; how he could count on what she said, she’d do. He also spoke of, with a bit of a smile, not liking the “no’s” even as he felt heard and understood by his mother, and how his mother was okay with his feelings. And here he now was– a curious, kind and respectful adult, embracing what life throws at him with a sense of humor and humbleness, taking care to take responsibility for himself.

He spoke to his unsettled feelings over how children are raised nowadays–and he shared that his wife told him it’s because things are different now from when he was young.

This gave me pause. Things ARE different than when he was a boy. We have many, many families that are made up vastly differently then his traditional two-parent, stay-at-home mom experience was. We are immersed in technology and screens. We have a culture that encourages and even demands a fast paced and full life-style. We have children growing up in an environment full of digital devices and all the concerns and advantages this brings. We have so many parenting labels to try on these days. I could go on with all that is different; I’m sure you, can, as well.

Yet something very important hasn’t changed. How our children develop physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Our children’s development continues to unfold in the ways it always has. What has changed is the “Out There” and how we respond to all those outer influences when it comes to parenting, to building our relationships. The demands of our faster paced, technology driven lifestyle demands our attention. And the more we focus on that, the more it seems things change with children. And often in less desirable ways. We are more likely to live from a reactive rather than responsive place.

Parenting from a “firm and fair” place continues to be the authoritative parenting style that supports our children and our relationships in the best possible way, allowing our children to develop healthily. It requires our focus to start within ourselves. To put aside the demands of our “out there” culture/life/world and PAUSE. Think. Slow down enough to really listen to ourselves, from the inside out. The ever-increasing pull to attend to all those “out there” things robs us of our ability to live from our inner selves. And this is the core of parenting well. This is the foundation for building healthy relationships with our children (and others!), for supporting our child’s optimal development and well-being. For helping our children develop their inner selves. Essential for a healthy life.

I believe it requires us to slow down. If not from the outside, then within. Yes, you can do both–still be caught up in a fast-paced life and slow down from within. The key? Strengthen your PAUSE. Really! Start with the heated moments and discover ways to calm a bit before responding to your child. Pause, breathe, walk away, close your eyes and focus first on YOURSELF. Your feelings; your upset. Settle to the best of your ability. This one step will make a tremendous difference over time.

And what a gift to our children, as we strengthen our ability to take care of our upset and connect calmly with them. What a gift to our children as we show them the power of PAUSE and how to develop that in themselves. To learn to think and reflect a bit, to be given plenty of time to DO so (Our Children Need to PAUSE, too!). Our ability to be fair and firm, as this Grand-dad talked of, comes from our ability to take our time with our children, and guide them from the inside-out.

Our world needs this more than ever. We need to nurture our ability to BE. Our children need unscheduled time, bored time, lots and lots of nature time. And so do we. Pausing gives us the start in this kind of healing we and our society needs. Things are different, now. And our children need what they’ve always needed. Fair, gently firm guidance coming from a calm and connected adult. This has not changed.

The need for it has.

Let’s refocus. Let’s respond to what our children require from us in order to grow well. Then let this be our guide for what “out there” actually needs our time and attention. In time, with practice, our essential BE-ing will rise up and be a real and positive influence for our children, families, communities, world.

How cool is that? Here’s to this Grand-dad who I left musing on the sidewalk as he, too, considered that, in the essential ways, things haven’t changed at all. We just need to refocus.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Considering Praise

March 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“Good job!” “You are SO smart.”

“What a pretty little girl you are!” “You are an amazing athlete.” “Good boy for sharing!” “You are an ace at math.” “Good girl!” “You made such a pretty picture–good job.””What a brave boy you are!”

Sounds good, right? Familiar, perhaps, as you praise your child all through the day?

Consider this—praise of this kind can actually displace just what

our children need the most.

Yes, displace. Stay with me here! I know praise for all they do seems like the way to grow those strong-from-the-inside-out kids, but consider this–as we give what feels like encouragement to our children in just the above way, we can undermine their ability to be intrinsically motivated–firing from inside themselves as they tap into their strengths and abilities to, on their own, pursue all things in life; we can undermine their growth as a strong, inner directed person.

Think about this–if we tell a child “Good job!” when they willingly get dressed in the morning, what does this communicate when they have a hard time getting dressed the next morning? That they are doing a ‘bad job?’ This is what a child ‘hears’, and it does little to help them decide, on their own, to want to get dressed in the morning!

If we tell a child “You are so smart!” when they bring home an assignment they got 100% on, how do they feel when they come home with one marked with 75%? Or when they find themselves struggling with homework? If we’ve told them they are so smart, then they more likely will feel a failure when they struggle–“I’m supposed to be so smart. Why can’t I DO this??”

If we tell our daughter how pretty she looks as she prances out in her frilly red dress, what are we communicating is important? How she looks? How could this influence her over the years…as a teen…if how she looks becomes the go-to response she gets from us?

What CAN we do?

Oh so much! Describing what you see rather than praising is essential for our children to grow intrinsically motivated and to feel authentically affirmed.

Here’s how that can look:

“You chose the red frilly dress! And you buttoned all those buttons by yourself. That took a lot of work.”

“Wow. That took a lot of brain work to come home with 100% on your assignment. I bet you feel really good about how your hard work paid off.”

“I see blue, green, black, and yellow in your picture. You chose to use a LOT of the yellow! And look how you went round and round with your marker to make so many circle shapes…”

“Look how strong your muscles can be! What effort it takes to carry the bag all the way up the stairs. I appreciate your help.”

“What a commitment you’ve had to your training. I can see how happy you are to make the team at school!”

“Math can be hard! Look at all the problems you’ve accomplished. You’ve concentrated on this for a long time.”

“Your friend is happy you shared your toy! What a kind thing to do.”

“It takes a lot of courage to climb up so high. When you are ready, you can give it a go.”

What is different?

Now you are focusing on abilities, strengths, and qualities.

These are things you want to encourage for they help our children become more confident, feel more capable, able to take risks, to rally from mistakes, to move through struggle. To know “I can really use my brain” sets a child up to work through a tough homework problem in an empowering way. Hearing “You are so smart!” can leave a child at a loss when they don’t do well on a test, or when they can’t figure out a problem. Using “You CAN be” instead of “You ARE…” gives a child the chance to be something else. Empowering!

Take time today to pause as your child shows you the work they’ve done.

Describe what you see–including the feelings of your child. Notice the L-O-N-G brush strokes across their painting and say something. Notice the colors they chose and tell them that’s what you see.

Pay attention to what they called upon to get through a tough moment and name it for them. Ask them questions about what it took to accomplish what they are grinning from ear to ear about.

Use struggles as a time to name and affirm their feelings, rather than find something to praise in order to ‘make them feel better.’ Use struggles as a time to identify the inner strengths they are trying to tap into to succeed–“That puzzle is really difficult. It is frustrating for you! I can see you are working really hard to figure it out…” “When your friend says those things it hurts your feelings and I can tell you feel sad. What might help you right now?”

This is important.

Growing children who feel empowered, authentically affirmed, and intrinsically motivated is key for living well all through life.

It makes your job as a parent easier as your child can now move through struggles more successfully, can call upon their own selves to solve something, can make healthier choices with peers, and feel truly competent and capable. Give it a try and notice what is different as you focus on your child’s abilities, their process, the qualities you want the most. I believe you’ll see just how your child is growing in amazing ways…and they’ll “see” it, too.

Now when you find yourself throwing out the inevitable “good job!” or “You look so pretty!” now and again? No worries, for you’ve tipped the balance towards emphasizing just what you want the most–children feeling strong from the inside out.

What a gift to your child and to your relationships!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Did You Know? Media Matters.

February 22, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

It’s evening. You are scrambling to get dinner going or maybe immersed in cleaning it all up. Your children are ramping up. You’ve worked all day and still have chores, emails, work, bath, reading, teeth to do. Chaos is reigning and you need a distraction–you and your kids!

On goes the TV. Or iPad. Or other digital device. A show is put on. Or video game. Or other entertaining App. But since YOU need the distraction just as much, you turn on a funny show that you enjoy and seems totally okay for your kids, too.

PAUSE. Something we need to KNOW is just how what our kids watch affects their developing selves. So let’s rewind a bit to a handful of years ago and a concrete example I can give. Remember the show Friends? It was lighthearted, funny, geared toward adults and aired at a time children were still up. It actually was the top rated show for preschoolers for 10 years.It really matters none which show I focus on, the info I share next pertains to ALL that we plunk our kids in front of; yet Friends is such an excellent example.

Let’s start with our preschoolers. What IS the big deal about letting them watch alongside us funny-to-us shows that seem relatively harmless?

Consider this…

The number one developmental task of a preschooler is to learn behavioral and emotional self-control--if you are a parent of a 4-year-old you know exactly what this means! There is little emotional (or behavioral!) self control exhibited on Friends–that is what makes it so funny for us watching it. We laugh at it all!

What does our laughter communicate to our preschooler?

That self-control is really not all that important. That losing our self-control really is just funny! Oops. Probably not what we really want to communicate as we yet again try to get our over-the-top preschooler to just cool their jets…not hit their brother…quit throwing and jumping and flying over the furniture or yelling extra loud, or being that puddle on the floor because they didn’t get their turn…

Take this further…

If our preschooler does not successfully accomplish the task of self-control, they now do not have what they need to grow through the middle childhood main task in healthy ways–how to be a friend. That preschool task of learning to manage BIG feelings? It is necessary to develop healthy friendships.

How does watching friends as an elementary age child influence them at this developmental stage?

That friendships are supposed to be sarcastic, unkind, back-biting. What does our laughter as we watch this show communicate? That this is exactly how friendships are supposed to look.

Fast forward to middle school and check out how the kids are treating each other. Oh heck, look at your 4th, 5th, or 6th grader to see plenty of unkindness, back-biting, downright mean stuff. Yes, sometimes this is “normal” (think girls and the challenges in later elementary years), and that is all the more reason to be sure what is role-modeled everywhere else (shows included) is respectful and kind.

Let’s go a bit further down the developmental road…

To the teen years. What is the number one task for a teen? The further development of intimate relationships (as well as separating from us!). What does our enjoyment over Friends communicate as they, too, watch?

That all of our relationships are infused with sex–that this is what the epitome of a meaningful relationship is. Sexual, sarcastic, unkind. I am most certain most of you want to see just the opposite in your teen–you’d like to see respect, healthy choices, a kind and generous spirit (at least away from home… 🙂 ).

It is essential that we think through what

we want our children exposed to.

PAUSE and think through what we want to communicate and what we actually are via our words and actions.

Be sensitive to your child’s developmental stage and how what they watch influences their social, emotional, and intellectual growth. Take it seriously, for your child’s (and our society’s) health depends on it.

And when you still, out of sheer desperation, turn on a show that just isn’t a great choice? It’s OKAY. Because you’ve worked hard at choosing with care and as you navigate the world of media and screens these moments are going to happen–in your home, or elsewhere. Their effect CAN be countered by the protective factors of a safe, loving, connected relationship with you. YOU who will ask questions, talk about what the child sees, explore their feelings, role model just what you really want.

Science, research, experience is showing us clearly what many of us know intuitively. Take care in the media you expose your children to. It matters.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Keep Your Promises

February 11, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. Saying what you mean and meaning what you do. ‘Standing in our integrity’ translates to having our thoughts, feelings, and actions all in alignment with what we believe.

How does this translate to our children? Keeping our promises; building trust and respect. Key for healthy relationships. (Thank you to ScreamFree and Hal Runkel for “Keep Your Promises”)

How often do you find yourself saying:

…”I’ll be there in a minute!” and it isn’t until your child is melting down next to you 20 minutes later that you put down what you were focused on to help them? And now, of course, there is no help to be had, for total melt down has unfolded.

…“After soccer practice we can stop for ice-cream!” as you are trying to get your kids out the door and you know the promise of ice-cream will make it actually happen in a more timely way. But then following soccer you say, “It’s too late for ice-cream–sugar isn’t good for you, anyway.” Whew, at least you GOT to soccer on time, so now you can just ‘put up’ with the cries and complaints in the back seat–“…but you PROMISED…”

…“Yes you can have a guinea pig, cat, dog, (fill in the blank) when you are 10!” Then when they turn ten you come up with a million excuses why a pet just won’t work right now, how they aren’t responsible enough, that you just don’t have TIME to take care of a pet. Okay, maybe a fish…

…“Just calm down, young man!” as you are totally losing it. Hmmmm. I know that one happens often! “I need YOU to calm down so I won’t lose it!” As if it is their responsibility to decide how we are going to feel and behave…

…”Grabbing the salad bowl instead of asking nicely isn’t okay!” as you grab the salad bowl right back and bang it back down on the table. “Use your manners!” Harrumph. Why don’t they know better how to ask for something at the table? And again, if they’d JUST BEHAVE, then I wouldn’t have to lose my temper!

…“Hitting your sister is mean!” as you whack their backside and insist they go to time out to think about how to behave. (NEVER do I recommend any kind of whacking).

…“It’s unkind to talk about your friend that way. You need to be nice.” Then turn around and moan to your spouse about YOUR friend and how they make choices you just can’t get behind.

…“I’m sure you know best what you are going to do with your birthday money.” Followed by, as they decide to spend it all on a frivolous item, “Oh no, that’s a waste of money! You ought to save it. Or at least donate some of it to…” All good ideas…and all going back on just what you originally said.

What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.

Try this, instead. PAUSE before responding or throwing out a blanket statement (YES we’ll get ice-cream after soccer!) and consider what it is you really want and CAN do.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

And now role-model it. Be what you hope your child can be.

Show them how to use gentle hands, that they can count on you to keep your promise of ice-cream even if you are running late, that if you promise a pet at age ten, you follow through, talk about YOUR friends with the respect and kindness you want to see in your children, calm yourself first before asking them to do the same, let them know exactly what they can expect as they wait for your help, bite your tongue and let them experience the result for themselves as they spend all their birthday money on a ridiculous toy.

What does this require from us?

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Now when we do have to ‘break our promise’ because whatever we said we really didn’t mean and certainly aren’t going to do–we can apologize. Heartfully, genuinely, respectfully. “You know, when I promised you a pet last year, I was saying that without really thinking about what it means. I apologize for leaving you hoping. Let’s talk about this more carefully.” “You know, I was really mad when you threw your toy and hit your sister. It wasn’t okay for me to yell and hit you. I am sorry. Here’s what I wanted to do…”

What a way to grow respect. To build the trust in your relationship that is foundational for the rest of our child’s life.

Take time today to reflect on your integrity, on how you say what you mean and mean what you do–when this is easiest and most successful for you, what you can do differently when you find it difficult. Integrity. It is essential for growing well; for relationships to thrive. For our children to grow into those incredible adults we intend.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Defensiveness

February 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

You know when you feel defensive? I do. I know when I feel hot and aggravated and find myself forcefully and repeatedly “defending” whatever it is I think is right or how things should be. Sometimes it feels like a last-ditch effort, this defensiveness. Sometimes it feels like, if I don’t convince the other person involved that I am RIGHT, everything is going to fall apart. Or at least I’ll fall apart. Or spend the day stewing and trying to figure out HOW to convince them. Talk about relationship-depleting.

And then I think about when my teen was being defensive. Or my adult children now. Or my spouse. When they get defensive, I get my button pushed, too. I resist just as much as they are resisting. Not very productive. Definitely depleting. Ever felt this way? I’m certain many of you have.

What if you looked at this reactive and negative experience a bit differently; saw it through another lens?

What if, when you felt defensive, you realized you were protecting something important and vulnerable within you?

When your child or partner gets defensive, you recognize they are just protecting something important and vulnerable within them?

Here’s what I notice. When I PAUSE as that button gets pushed in me, and reframe defensiveness as protection of important and vulnerable things, I begin to get curious. What is important to me; what is the vulnerable part of me I need to recognize? Because when I think of vulnerable, I find myself gentling. Softening. Feeling more caring and compassionate.

When I feel defensive, am I actually feeling embarrassed? Sometimes. Feeling that I’m RIGHT…and if so, then why would being WRONG be upsetting to me? Probably because I’d feel less strong. Less self-assured. More self conscious and perhaps a failure. Ahhh…so that is what I’m protecting within me–my self-image and self-worth. I can do something about that. I can feel strong and confident and open and accepting. As I realize what I’m protecting, I can be kind to myself and my feelings. What a difference that can make.

Now instead of getting my button pushed when another gets defensive, I can see beyond that…to what they might be protecting and caring for within themselves. Their uncomfortable feelings. Compassion can more likely lead the way. Or if not compassion, then curiosity, first, which can lead to asking questions. And as we ask questions, we hear more of another’s story. As we hear their story, we find ourselves understanding and perhaps even relating to it, which leads the way to accepting and empathizing. Defensiveness goes by the wayside. THIS is how relationships are built in meaningful and positive ways.

Today, as you face defensive feelings–yours or another’s–consider pausing, first and foremost. Then adjust the lens through which you are seeing whatever the issue is. Look at it through “I’m/they are protecting something important and vulnerable to me/them.” Notice how that feels. And then move forward from there and see what is different, what unfolds. I believe it’ll feel a bit raw at first…and then this amazing connection will emerge–a connection with yourself and the other that leaves both of you feeling more affirmed, heard, understood.

We can turn defensiveness around from relationship-depleting to relationship-building, all by the lens through which we view it.

How cool is that?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calm. It isn’t easy.

February 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Calm.

It’s easy when things are going well, kids are getting along, life isn’t hectic. It’s easy when you can plug your ears, shut your eyes, disappear as necessary :-). It’s easy when you feel rested, nourished, even energized. Things go better, more smoothly. Maybe even those times where calm is had by locking yourself in the bathroom for a bit–heck, at least you aren’t in the midst of the crazy! A bit of self-care…

Calm is hard, often. And when it’s hard, being that positive influence can go out the window. Those are the times you wish for do-overs–later, when you’ve had time to think, to take a break. Those are the times you end up in a puddle of tears along with your child.

So how DO you become that calm, positive influence your child needs the most in order to grow well?

Exercise and strengthen your PAUSE muscle. It sounds easy, right?

Practicing your ability to, when your button has been pushed and the heat rises in you, stop…take a moment or a few hours (!). Breathe, count to ten (or a hundred!), walk away, do something that helps you create a bit of space so you can first focus on yourself. Calm yourself down–even an iota. THEN step in and respond to your child, rather than react. Sounds simple.

It is. And it isn’t. Like any habit, it takes practice. Grace for all those times you don’t pause first. Patience as you strengthen a new and powerful skill. It can be easier in some situations. These are the ones worth noticing, appreciating, and practicing. For me, it was easiest to pause and create a bit of space (physically, mentally, whatever) when I felt in a rush to get out the door and my girls were dragging their toes. This irritated me, but it didn’t push any big button in me. So this is where I practiced…taking a deep breath, letting go a bit about lateness, and using as even-keeled a voice as I could to e-a-s-e us out the door…and the more I could do this, the less they dragged their toes!

Knowing I could pause successfully and positively influence my girls at these times gave me the encouragement I needed as I worked at pausing during the really tough moments for me–teen resistance, push-back, sarcasm, eye-rolling, foot stomping, you name it (oh, door slamming, too). It isn’t a smooth road forward, this pausing. It is much more of a roller coaster. The trick is to keep focusing on when pausing has worked for you, when you’ve felt better about what could have been a challenge or struggle and wasn’t; when you’ve felt good about keeping it together even as your child loses it.

Notice these times, for in them you paused. You were able to step in calmer…and in doing so, you created the connection your child needed in order to navigate whatever the moment held. Or if not that particular moment (you know, those times you did well at being calm and your child still spiraled to the Nth degree?), know that the more you DO step in with a pause and calm connection, the more likely IN TIME things will be navigated better, more smoothly.

This is being that positive influence they need the most in order to grow well. This is being the adult your child needs you to be in order to feel safe in the midst of BIG feelings. This is how trust is built. THIS is what grows those respectful relationships we all want. This is relationship-building.

Here’s my pause story for you from when my eldest first taught me how.

It goes waaay back about 17 years…and yes, I am STILL working on strengthening my ability to PAUSE! The amazing thing is how my work at pausing has impacted all my relationships in uplifting ways–truly. It can for you, too.

If you’d like more help, my book PAUSE is a wonderful resource for you. Check it, and my other two books, out right here: https://www.denaliparentcoaching.com/books/

Meanwhile, here’s to YOU and your growing ability to PAUSE. What a gift to your children! What a gift to all your relationships.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2021 Alice Hanscam

PAUSE defined

February 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

PAUSE: Noun. Defined as a space—mental, emotional, or physical– from which you then respond with clear intention.

PAUSE: Action Verb. The action you take to create a space in which you can calm, center, and then intentionally choose what feelings, thoughts, words, and response you will give.

PAUSE is never passive. It is always active.

PAUSE as a passive response is equivalent to checking out often because we are too anxious to deal with a situation. And now we don’t step back in and respond. What is communicated? That we can’t handle our child’s upset, behavior, feelings.

This ROCKS a child’s world.

It is a scary place to be when a child looks to a parent for help, stability, calm, guidance and instead sees a parent who is acting just as immaturely as the child…and then what? The child acts up even more. Or withdraws…deeply. Or maybe complies…often out of fear or resentment. Probably not what any of us intend.

What feels like an “easy way out” by using PAUSE to check out becomes, over time, a very unhealthy and truly difficult way of relating. And parenting becomes harder.

PAUSE as the space it can be and intentional action it needs to be does just the opposite. It allows you to ultimately step back in and respond—productively, purposefully, with the clarity necessary for truly guiding your child toward just what you want more of.

It becomes relationship building.

And yes, a PAUSE can be self-care. Absolutely. This is different from “checking out” because, again, it is done intentionally, with the understanding that it will be followed by stepping back in and responding. Go take care of yourself! It is essential.

So today, PAUSE–actively and with intention. Trust what follows, even if you have absolutely no idea what to do next. Let your ability to calm yourself and trust your ability to connect do the work for you.

Let my book(s) help you.

And let me know what works for you. I care.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

I NEED This Fight!

January 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Because someone I care about very much is having a difficult time sorting out all that his 16-year-old is throwing at him, I share this link and my thoughts and response with the hopes that it can help–him and perhaps many of you.

I want him to do what he can for himself that calms him, gives him confidence, patience, and trust in this very painful process he’s in. It will take time, this anger she’s throwing at him and life. Time and his daughter being able to count on HIM to be steady, calm, consistent, caring. Time. Just as it will for each of you, if you find yourself in the midst of this kind of angst with your child. Teen OR toddler and on.

“The letter your teenager can’t write you”

“This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me.” © 2015 Gretchen L Schmelzer

Alice’s take:

EXCELLENT letter and one that is as pertinent for teens as it is for toddlers.

When we can provide the safe place for our kids of ANY age to “bang around” in as they sort themselves out, FEEL, discover, experience, then our kids truly can learn and grow. And our relationships can be that much healthier and more connected. WE can be seen (perhaps in time…) as the resource we’d like to be for our kids.

They NEED the fight. The tantrum. The test-test-testing.

And it is absolutely essential that we (more often than not, since really, this is all about tipping the balance rather

than being perfect…) pass their test.

How does this look?

Pausing. Whether for a brief moment or hours…

Calming ourselves as best we can. Breathe? Focus on a brief task? Telling yourself “I can do this…this too shall pass…”? Encouraging self talk. It can do wonders.

Getting clear on just what it is we want the most–-whether it is to just get out the door in one piece and hopefully with all necessary parts stuffed in the backpacks, a relationship that feels strong and healthy, or our child feeling that much more competent and capable…

Then stepping BACK in and responding to our child from this calmer and clearer place. Responding rather than reacting. Essential. And it is less about what you then say or do and WAY more about HOW you say and do it. Calmly. With connection. Respectfully.

Now our child can feel heard. Understood. Safe and secure. Our child can feel respected–because of feeling heard AND because we have more likely honored their choice by calmly following through with the results of their choice. Even if it is still a NO. When we’ve taken the moment to gather ourselves and respond instead of react, our NO is received more productively (even if it is still LOUD and upset…).

Or maybe it isn’t about NO.

Maybe it is about giving a safe place for your very upset and angry teen to unload, to know they can “empty their bucket” entirely because you are calm and listening. No decisions, consequences, answers. Just the safe place to feel and eventually process. Then maybe you can come back together, explore all that came pouring out, ask questions, and truly collaborate.

“I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.” (Gretchen L Schmelzer)

Our children need to KNOW, without a doubt,

that they can count on us to keep it together even

(and most especially) when they cannot.

Now that is powerful.

So today, PAUSE. Know that you CAN be the steady, safe place for your child to bang around in and sort things out. Trust this. Keep your attention on the kind of future adult and relationship with your child you want the most. Because what we focus on grows.

Know that my books can be a real and positive resource for you as you struggle and know that your struggle is as essential as your child’s need to test and fight .

Thank you to Gretchen Schmelzer (www.gretchenschmelzer.com) for a fabulous write-up. Here’s to the dad and 16-year-old I care about very much…

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Choice, but my choice, please!

January 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

No, no! If you do that, mommy is going to be so sad…”

“If you don’t make the right choice, you are going to lose your iPad…privilege…treat…play-time…books…”

“You have a choice to make, young man! You can either do it the way we said, or you’ll be in trouble.”

Sound familiar? I was talking with a parent recently who mentioned how she gives choices and always tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…

When we find ourselves (and we all do this at times!) giving choices contingent on how we will feel or with what can be heard as a “threat” or really not a choice at all when we say “do it the right way!” then what we are really communicating to our children is their only choice is to either comply or rebel.

There is little room for independent thought and action, for someone to choose based on what THEY feel they want, should do, would like–for they are far too focused on OUR demands.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Being asked to make the “right choice” so we won’t get mad and they won’t get in trouble communicates that they are responsible for how we feel (pretty tough place for a child, to feel like they are in charge of our feelings); it communicates “I’m the boss and I know what you need/should do/want better than YOU do…” (which can grow children who always look to others to tell them what they need/should do/want…); and it can communicate disrespect. Probably not what anyone ever intends. And yes, we often DO know what they “should” do for we are many years older and have many experiences tucked under our belt and we really don’t want our kids to make the mistakes we did. If they’d only listen . And we often work very hard to get them to listen, to do it our way, the right way, the way that makes things easier for them–and us.

So really, this kind of choice that leaves our kids either complying (whew!) or rebelling (yikes) is more about OUR anxiety as parents–about our lack of confidence, our need to feel “in control”, about looking like a “good parent”, about maybe just really wanting to get out the door in one piece and with all that everyone needs for the day .

Which, of course, happens (just wanting to get out the door in one piece)–and when we can slowly tip the balance towards healthier ways to give and respond to choices, it matters very little if there is a now and again day of “making kids comply” to make the moment easier for us.

What can we do to influence our kids in such a way that they decide on their own to make more productive choices? To focus on themselves and how they feel, what they like/don’t like, what is their responsibility….? To really grow from the inside out?

PAUSE.

Focus first on YOUR self and take care of your feelings–whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. “Take care” can be a moment to breathe, a chance for a self-care deposit, a quiet affirmation to yourself of how you feel.

Be clear on the expectations for your child–and give them a choice without asking them to choose what YOU want them to choose.

Respect their choice by following through with the results of their choice from a place of calm connection–what an incredible way to communicate respect for and belief in who they are becoming. What a way for them to focus on their experience, how it feels, and learn a bit more about what they can do.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

“You chose to still throw your toy cars. Up they go now onto the fridge, parked safely until tomorrow…” And you calmly gather them up and place them up high–allowing the mad your child will feel and express, showing compassion via, “I know. It really makes you mad that you can’t play with your cars anymore today.” Empathize. Help them take the PAUSE they need to calm themselves down. Offer up your company or something else they can do or throw. Know that how they feel about the result of their choice to throw and how you decide to respond to them is key in helping them learn a bit more about managing themselves.

“I feel sad that you were so frustrated with your work that you ripped it up. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then you sit in their sad or mad for awhile or ask what they’d like to do to help themselves or you gently show them ways to take care of their frustration. If they show concern over your sad, you get to let them know that it is okay for you to be sad…just as it is okay for them to be frustrated. Maybe hugs will follow…Or maybe a need to rip up lots more paper is in order…or maybe they just need to stew a bit until they are ready to try again.

“You know our house rule of no dirty dishes left in your room–and you know that it costs you the privilege of using the iPad for the afternoon.” And you follow through by removing the iPad, calmly and matter-of-factly, allowing the feelings that may be expressed, empathizing and letting calm connection lead as much as possible. Now the attention is less on you (though it may not seem that way as they rage…) and more on the choice they made and how it feels to lose a privilege they enjoy so much–more likely influencing in such a way they will choose a more productive direction the next time around (like bring their dishes into the kitchen–or maybe all the way to the dishwasher!).

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

Not you, but them–and they learn a bit more about how they feel about the results, rather than being focused on how we feel. They learn they can count on us to keep it together no matter how they feel or behave. What a way to grow trust! They learn they can count on us to walk alongside them as they experience the results of their choices, rather than stand over them saying, “I told you so! If you’d only listened…” And as our children have more and more opportunities to experience the results of their choices alongside a calm, consistent, connected adult, the more they learn about themselves, from the inside out.

What a way to grow a future adult who can more likely take responsibility for themselves, be self-directed and in charge of their feelings, know more about themselves from the inside out. What a way to (slowly) make your job as a parent a bit easier–and for you to grow yourself from the inside-out, able to manage your feelings and grow your more confident self. Now how could this parenting deal feel with you feeling calmer and more confident, letting calm connection rule?

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Anxiety and Our Parenting

January 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

Be willing to carry the anxiety along with you.

What a powerful statement that another reader shared on a post of mine recently.

Anxiety. It is an integral and maybe less welcomed part of parenting. None of us escape it. Many of us are driven by it, perhaps just now and again along our journey, perhaps daily. Yet it is with anxiety in the driver’s seat that we can undermine the growth of healthy, positive relationships and weaken our ability to grow the strong, inner-directed adults we hope for in our children.

With anxiety leading the way we may be more likely to do whatever it takes to prevent our child from struggling, failing, falling. Sounds important, doesn’t it? To stop our child from struggle? Consider this…as we continually prevent the struggle, the fail, whatever it is we see as a problem, we are robbing our children of the opportunity to learn how to manage these hard things; we are robbing them of the chance to grow stronger, from the inside out.

This can look like…

~ constantly preventing minor injury such as discovering untied laces can cause tripping, or pedaling your trike too fast can make you fall, or it hurts when little fingers get pinched by a slide-y drawer, or climbing to the top of the jungle gym can be scary. It hurts us too much to see them hurt so we rescue, prevent, avoid, keep away from…

~ constant hovering or nagging over getting home-work done. We want the good grades so we can feel like we’ve done our job well! And yes, good grades–or grades our children feel good about–are important. Yet the work to achieve those? It is our child’s.

~ yelling at our child for yet again pushing our button–hoping of course that our yelling will finally get them to stop pushing our button as if it is their job to control our buttons in the first place! Which really means how we feel is up to them. Scary place for a child to be–taking responsibility for OUR feelings.

~ reaching over and putting the puzzle piece our preschooler is struggling with into the space for them. Maybe because we want to avoid the tantrum his frustration is surely to provoke; maybe because we just can’t stand seeing them unsuccessful.

~ immediately saying “NO” to requests of our teens because it just is so out of our comfort zone…and losing ground rapidly because, really, we cannot control what they ultimately decide to do–we can only control what we decide to do. And now our teen may see us less and less as the resource we need and want to be for them.

Anxiety. It can undermine just the kind of relationships and future adults we want—but it doesn’t have to. As my friend said, be willing to carry it along with you. Try opening your arms and welcoming it in to the best of your ability. Give it a place to be within you and try looking at it through the lens of a gift for growth.

A gift that reminds you of how deeply you care,

of how a situation is calling you to look more carefully at it, of an opportunity to pause and consider what you really want.

It is there for our growth–and the more we can welcome it in with the little moments with our children, the more we can manage it when the bigger moments occur. And consider what amazing role modeling you are doing when you show your child that your anxiety is your job to handle, not theirs.

That you can accept your anxiety over a choice they are making and still give them space to make it. Being there and truly available to walk alongside them rather than doing whatever it takes to ‘make it all better.’ Truly relationship building on many levels as you communicate your confidence in their abilities and that they can count on you. This is how trust is built. And it is trust that is the foundation for healthy growth.

What a gift to our kids, for now they are learning who they are, what they can do, how they feel and what to do with all their feelings, because we are taking care of our own.

Today, when that anxiety churns you up, PAUSE. Greet your anxiety for what it is. Name it, affirm it, move it aside. No need to “make it all better” by trying to make your child feel or be a certain way. *Just* focus on yourself, first by letting a PAUSE work its magic.

Notice how, if you do this consistently, you CAN relax and your anxiety dissipates. And as your anxiety slips away, notice how this influences those challenging moments and your relationships with your children. Notice how you feel; notice how incredibly capable and competent and careful and carefree and curious your children are!

I think you will like the shift. And so will your children.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Show Your Toddler How

January 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you!

A young toddler, Mama, and adult friend. A puzzle that has 9 small blocks. Toddler, upon hearing that YES it is time to head outside to play, picks up the frame holding the blocks and happily DUMPS them all over the floor and then proceeds to head to the stairs to go on outdoors…a favorite place to be!

HERE is where something important can happen. Here is where we can decide to:

1) Feel frustrated with the added mess and react with, “NO. We aren’t going outside. Pick up those blocks right now!”

2) Ignore it because you really don’t want a battle, so you step over the blocks and join your little one marching down the stairs. OR lean down and scoop up the blocks yourself and put them away.

3) Guide this little guy through just what we really want the most–someone who knows how to take responsibility for something they’ve done. (We’ll get back to this in a moment).

The first option?

We want them to learn to clean up messes, right? We want them to know dumping then walking away from it just isn’t okay. We get a bit hot. Irritated. Maybe just frustrated that there is yet another mess to deal with. Our toddler in this option is most likely going to resist like crazy. Keep walking down the stairs and ignore us. Plop on the floor and say, “NOOOOOOO.” Pick up a block or two and throw them just to see how mad you really can get. Not much learned here other than mom gets mad and we have a battle and toddler ends up a wreck. Mom, too. Forget going outside to play.

The second option?

Well, we typically do this because of our own anxiety of having to deal with option number one’s response. So we just take care of it. Or not. Lesson learned? Toddler doesn’t have to take responsibility for his actions. Toddler doesn’t learn a bit more about how to clean up, where things go, that everyone in the home participates to keep things going smoothly. And really, those 9 blocks? Way easier to take the moment to help toddler take responsibility for this choice, than, say, eventually being faced with a teen who assumes little to no responsibility at all…

The third option.

This is key and it requires a PAUSE to consider just what you want learned. And what this Mama and friend wanted was a little guy who participated willingly in taking care of messes before moving on to the next play choice. A little guy (and future teen!) who took responsibility for his choices.

Here is what unfolded with Mama, toddler, and adult friend (me, by the way ):

Me: “Oh! All NINE blocks are on the floor. Hmmmm. I’m going to pick up 1-2-3 of them.”

Mama: “And I’M going to pick up 1-2-3 of them, too!”

Toddler–looking at both of us enjoying ourselves as we very intentionally picked up 1-2-3 blocks each and counted out loud–says, “Nano (his nickname for himself) pick up…one…TWO…THREEEEEE!”

Then one at a time we each plunked our three back into the frame they belonged in…counting once again. Then Toddler picked up the frame and placed it carefully on the shelf from which it came.

Me: “Thank you for picking up the blocks and putting them back on the shelf. You know just where they belong!”

Mama: “NOW let’s go outside!”

And off the three of us went.

What was learned?

How to clean up a mess. How to count . What “three” means. How to put the puzzle back together. That this can all be fun and done together. That your effort to clean up is appreciated and encouraged. That toddler can count on help, on us following through with going outside. What “taking responsibility” means…

So much learned! Peacefully. Positively. Respectfully. No battle. Just cooperation and teamwork and FUN. THIS is what is different when we can PAUSE. Take a moment to think about what we really want and step in with calm connection leading the way. Now our little one will more likely be influenced in such a way to clean up on their own. To put one thing away before the next is brought out–or at least some of the time (it is a process!).

And really, even when we are in a hurry we can often take this moment to slow ourselves down because those battles that unfold when we rush? They tend to cost us w-a-y more time then moving slower and more respectfully.

Mama and I both knew that option #3 was best. We also both know that sometimes you DO choose option #2 of stepping past the mess or just taking care of it ourselves, because we are both very tuned in to just when to encourage the clean up and when it needs to wait–toddlers are like that. Being tuned in to when they are most receptive to just what you want to encourage is important for positively influencing them in the long run.

So today, PAUSE. Then let your calm, clear, connected-to-your-child self step forward and interact in such a way your child can truly learn a bit more about healthy choices and living and ways of being. Then appreciate your effort. It can take a lot of work and patience and resilience initially. Give yourself grace for the times you find yourself falling into option #1. Deposit regularly into YOUR self-care-savings account. Notice and appreciate when your little one does things you’d like to see more of. What we focus on grows.

This growth and learning deal takes time. Theirs and ours! These little moments fill our days and give us lots of opportunity to practice, learn, and grow. Give it the respect of time and your calm connection and watch things emerge that are simply wonderful. Really!

With JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

The Space and Grace of PAUSE

December 30, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Spirituality Comment

Something I’ve learned as I strengthen my Pause Muscle is how powerful the stillness and space that occurs can be. Powerful in the grace it gives me to…

…forgive myself as I, at times, create more conflict rather than less 🙂

…feel more meaningfully connected with another

…feel more centered and grounded from within

…be authentically ME

…deposit soundly into my Self-Care Savings Account

…have a sense of humor and lightness about just about anything

…let go of self consciousness and just ACCEPT

…be fully present to whomever I’m with or wherever I am

…listen. Completely, fully, actively.

…trust. In what I say, do, feel. Trust in life.

The gift of this is the impact and influence on relationships this has. As any of us pursue greater mindfulness in life, we discover–maybe in just bits and pieces at first–how good this feels. How we feel more energized, connected, calm. And with many parents I’ve worked with I’ve had the honor of watching how this positively influences their children. How life calms down a bit, de-intensifies, is less rocky and chaotic. No matter what the situation is.

When this space and stillness that PAUSE allows is missing, conflict and challenge take over. They permeate our life to the point of us assuming this is the norm and our reactivity becomes a way of life and interacting. We forget what it can feel like to have the deeper, more meaningful connection with another; with our children that really can leave us feeling a JOY like no other.

We may feel tired. We may feel like we can barely keep our head above water. We often fall into the blame game, find ourselves immersed in guilt and/or anger. Even as we do practice and grow our Pause Muscle, we find we can still slip into this reactive place at times…and yet, it CAN be different. You CAN tip the balance.

You can feel the calmer, more centered and stable place more and more often. Start right now. Perhaps close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, telling yourself this is the space of a PAUSE. Or keep your eyes open as you watch your children squabble, play, work…and just watch for a moment. That’s all. Maybe gaze out your window or down into your cup of coffee. Let your gaze soften a bit and know that that is a PAUSE, too. You’ve just created a bit of space that allows a bit of stillness in.

That’s all. Begin there. Know that what you focus on grows, so those little bits? They add up over time. I remember back in the day when I was a nanny and had all the kids loaded up in my car ready to roll, I’d pause. Shut my eyes and just sit in the driver’s seat. The kids would holler and ask what I’m doing, why aren’t we going…and I’d tell them I’m starting out being quiet for a moment. Interesting thing was, in time, they did the same. Stayed quiet in their carseats and waited for me. I created a PAUSE for them, as well. Children need to pause, too.

Bring a bit of space and stillness into your life by strengthening your ability to PAUSE. What we focus on grows, so each little bit? It counts. Hugely, in the long run. You and all your relationships are worth it. What a gift to all!

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Parent Like You

December 20, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

A parent recently shared her frustration over her 8-year-old son and all the BIG feelings erupting…and her desire to feel far calmer and more content in all things family.

Mom found herself reactively scolding her son to “Cool your jets!” and “Use a polite voice!” Totally understandable–just think, in a small and busy coffee shop, all eyes upon you, and all you want is to get your child to STOP.

Yet her intent to get him to be quieter and more polite done from this reactive place actually stirred things up even more and left them feeling all rather crummy.

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

She knew she wanted to do it differently. She knew she COULD do it differently and in a way that was relationship building.

Here’s what she realized:

…Affirm his feelings, “Wow. You are super upset! Do you think you can’t have the treat I promised you?”

...Stay lighthearted as best as possible

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

To heck with embarrassment! Now you’ve just role-modeled for all what respect looks like no matter how your child decides to behave .

What a difference that can make.

Start with a PAUSE when you find yourself in one of THOSE situations. Focus on the calm connection you intend, on the successes you have had. And then tell me what you notice is different. I think you will like what you see, for what we focus on grows. And check out either or both my books to help you along…

Here’s to BIG feelings and the power of PAUSE!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

The Challenge of Parenting

December 12, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

The challenge of parenting? It doesn’t come with a “How To” manual.

It DOES come with an incredible mixture of joy, confusion, self-doubt, FRUSTRATION, chaos, pride, exhaustion, adventure, “NOW what?” “How do I…” “STOP IT” “I just don’t know…” “I’m scared.” “Why won’t they…” “WOW…”

It comes with eye-rolling, BIG feelings (yours and theirs!), tumultuous times, even-keeled times, in-between times. It can come with judgment, acceptance, guilt, real and meaningful connection, no sleep, too much sleep if you have a teen-ager, and joy–did I mention JOY?

What a journey! And it requires US to grow. To become increasingly better at managing OUR feelings so our children can manage theirs. To become clearer in just what we are wanting for our kids…our future adults…our relationships. It requires us to let go, go with the flow, stick to our promises made, do the hard AND the fun of all of it.

Three resources of mine that can really help you figure out just HOW TO do this parenting deal well include “Parenting Through Relationship”, “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection” and “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way.”

Know that can be successfully absorbed in the brief bits of time you actually have, include stories of parents JUST LIKE YOU, have practical and simple steps that help YOU parent well, and my own stories and words of wisdom gleaned through the years woven throughout.

Know that these books can and will bring you relief, laughter, encouragement and yes, even inspire you to do the hard work of creating the change you really want.

The cool thing is…they are all about YOU. No advice, no “you should”, no one way only. Because parenting? Though there are hard and fast “rules” such as developmental stages our children go through, what works for one may be and often is entirely different from what works for the next. Both in regards to your kids AND each of us as parents.

Know that my books are way more about discovering what IS working for you, what YOUR strengths and abilities are, what works with YOUR child and in YOUR family…and culture…and…

Check them out.

Make it great today. YOU and your kids are worth all the hard work you are doing. Keep it up and know you have lots of company!

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Important Ways to Play, Toddler Style

December 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Important ways to play, toddler-style (and thoroughly enjoyed by me a while back)…

…dumping each and every stuffed guy, pillow, and book OFF the mattress onto the floor…hauling each and every blanket over the edge and piled on top of the stuffed guys, pillows, and books. Crawling across the mattress to drag up and off the sheet…totally immersed, furrowed eyebrows, concentration, oh so many body contortions with reaching and crawling and climbing and rolling to accomplish freeing the bed of all items!

…musing over the piles on the floor and then choosing a certain lady-bug pillow to plunk back UP on the mattress, crawling back to the edge to get a fist-full of the purple sheet and dragging it back ONTO the mattress, working the toddler-sized body to fit directly ON the lady-bug pillow and pull the sheet up over the body, tucked under the chin, eyes squeezed shut…sort of…and thinking. Talking quietly. No interruption from a parent or caregiver. Oh so much work practicing “going to sleep” can be!

...studying slugs with real concentration. Leaning o-v-e-r the flower box and discovering little tiny slugs with wiggling antenna crawling and sliming across the dirt to eat eat eat the flowers. Oh the discovery! The laughter as one…no, TWO were found climbing UP the flower box…the gently poking finger, the nibble on the leaf to see just what it is slugs like about those green plants…and the great big BLAH that followed! Just think of all the learning!

…climbing up the slippery, wet, grassy hill to spin around and PLOP down onto his back and lay ever so still as he takes in the WET of the grass, the sky he suddenly sees, the bird sounds all around…then UP again to repeat this very routine–climbing, spinning, plopping, freezing perfectly still. Over and over and over…soaking wet pants, muddy feet and hands and face…and total pleasure over being entirely in charge of what his body does…

…peek-a-boo! In and out of the set of closet beads…delighting each time in surprising the present adult with him, relishing being able to count on the adult being there, practicing over and over again the ever important ability to separate…

…and then the stories! Made up and very real and wonderful stories told Toddler Style with hand motions, words, sounds. All about dogs sneaking the cat’s food and dogs silly enough to actually try and eat a bee (STING! O-u-c-h goes the dog and BLECH as Mr. Bee escapes from the mouth…) and important people to this certain toddler writing him postcards with even more stories to think about, laugh over, delight in, and repeat…over and over and over again. Conversation, imagination, incredible THINKING fostered.

And then run off to FIND the post card to talk about it all over again . Young children LOVE getting real mail!

Important ways for toddlers to play. Meaningful work. Repetitive work. Learning more about themselves work.

Work that seems uninteresting and maybe boring to adults but is ESSENTIAL for toddlers. Work that has them thinking, discovering, moving, struggling, strengthening, feeling, talking, imagining, conversing, choosing. Work that requires us to step back, stay quiet, observe. To know just when to say something, just when to respect their space.

Work that grows a healthy brain, ready to learn; a body ready to live well; a soul in touch with who they are and how they tick. Work that a toddler needs plenty of time to engage in. Plenty.

Enjoy your little one today. Delight in what they are discovering about their world, their bodies, their thoughts and feelings. Notice how they do things over and over again. Pay attention to the thinking they are doing–especially when you intentionally stay quiet to just watch. See all the growth happening right in front of you as they explore their world in meaningful-to-them ways.

And let it put a real smile on your face!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

My Own Story of PAUSE…

December 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

My eldest daughter has been a great teacher for me—I like to refer to her as my “practice child,” for her younger sister has reaped the benefits of all that Iʼve learned from her.

**My greatest lesson? PAUSE and the power of calm connection.**

It seems to me this is the baseline for growing positive, respectful, all around healthy relationships with our children…and it took my child to bring it to my attention. And YES. I am still strengthening the muscle PAUSE is. Often 🙂 . I find the results can be amazing—often transformational.

As Emily entered her teen years, our ability to knock heads just kept ramping right on up—we were BOTH equally stubborn, both wanting The Last Word, to be right, to be in control. One particular round of knocking heads stands out to me, for it was the one that showed me just how valuable PAUSE can be. Funny how it can take the big blow-ups to do this for us! I guess there really are gifts to be appreciated in these…

Emily wanted something and I was reacting with my usual and quick “NO!” It’s just all too easy to let that NO slip out! She, of course, reacted just like me (I was her best role model…) and verbally fought back. Things escalated and soon she was in a full out tantrum, one that would rival any toddlerʼs. Iʼm not sure if I screamed (losing it just as my daughter had) for her to go to her room or if she just stomped off, but her door slammed and all became quiet.

I remember sitting there on the floor, tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed with anger and a deep sadness. My cat came to curl up onto my lap—Iʼm not sure whether to seek comfort or to give it—and as I stroked her I found I could begin to calm down and collect myself. My first semblance of PAUSE. My husband—thankfully there and available—listened to me as I unloaded all my upset. I began to relax and wish I could take back how I had behaved with Emily. I wished—no, I yearned–for a do-over.

Another gift of a PAUSE, this yearning, for it gave me the bit of space I needed to gain clarity over what I really wanted. And that was to feel oh-so-much better and connected to my daughter in relationship-building ways. To be able to talk, listen, even argue without it becoming such a heated MESS.

And then I was completely surprised, for my daughter re-emerged, joined me in the living room, pushed the cat gently out of my lap, and curled her young adult-sized body into it. She lay there just as my cat had been moments before—curled up tight. I found the last of my reactive-ness fade away and I continued my stroking—but on my daughterʼs back this time. Soon we began talking and before long we had both apologized, collaborated, and compromised—reaching a decision that truly felt more of a win-win for both of us.

A transformational moment in our relationship for we felt meaningfully connected with each other. A deep, genuine connection.

The kind that fills your heart.

What gave us this opportunity that had us feeling connected in a truly meaningful way? Emily’s PAUSE.

She removed herself (albeit with slamming doors…), calmed herself down, and then courageously reconnected with me. Her removing herself gifted me a PAUSE, as well. I had space to let go of my anger, to take deep breaths, to calm myself down—allowing me to be receptive to her reconnection.

THIS is part of the magic of PAUSE—it allows you

to be receptive to another.

Alice and both the great teachers of PAUSE in her life…

My lessons didnʼt stop here. Oh yes. I had LOTS of opportunity to realize I had so much to learn. Still do, by the way 🙂 . Many times through her teen years Emily created the PAUSE that I was having a hard time doing. I grew to admire her ability to come back calmed down and ready to try again, listen, and be heard.

My heart would open up, I would be able to hear what she was saying, and weʼd usually find solutions that worked for both of us. But it took her being what I now consider the bigger person—she used the power of PAUSE successfully long before I did, long before I was aware of its power. She has been a great teacher and “practice child”!! Lucky younger sister…

My awareness of how PAUSE and calm connection can take what often is relationship-depleting and transform it into a relationship-building experience grew. I got better and stronger as I practiced it. I can tell, because I am discovering those button pushing moments to heat me up way less often that I can create the PAUSE I need prior to reacting. And something I’ve learned is how a PAUSE can look different with each situation.

My PAUSE looks different with each situation.

Sometimes I model myself after a friend who is a pro at this already and say, “Let me think on that awhile and Iʼll get back to you”—and then I do, even if it takes all day to find the calm and clarity from which to work from.

Sometimes I break eye contact, turning my attention to a chore that needs to be done—often it was swiping at the kitchen counter, something that got my adrenaline out AND gave me the break I needed to think more clearly (and it got one of the million chores done–and left my kitchen looking better!)

There have been times when all I can say is “Iʼm feeling pretty upset. I need to take a break,” and then do so. Often via a quick walk outside. Always seems to help…

And there are moments when I literally zip and lock my mouth and just sit with my child in their feelings. That’s hard for me, for talking is what I do best.

Each time I find I am able to reconnect feeling calm(er), more ready to ask questions, listen, and be heard—as well as respected. What a difference from yelling, banging doors, tears, and “Iʼm going to do it anyway, you canʼt stop me!” experiences.

What message am I giving my girls when I can remain calm and connected as they explore the challenges and limits of life? I like to think they are learning appropriate ways to be an adult and to handle strong feelings. I believe they are feeling heard and respected, and in return they often find the limits I make acceptable—or I find their idea is something we can compromise on, or just go ahead and try. I look back on how Emily and I were a few years ago, and where we are now— our relationship has become such a mutually respectful, loving, totally fun one and it brings me real JOY.

I credit PAUSE as the key took our relationship during her teen years from the rocky, reactive place it was and allowed it to bloom into what it is today. Truly feeling deeply, respectfully, meaningfully connected. Thoroughly enjoying each other’s company! And still pushing each other’s buttons at times…and yet, NOW we have twinkles in our eyes rather than daggers… :-).

When we PAUSE and let the power of calm connection

lead the way, we have the ability to transform our relationships. We have the ability to deposit whole-heartedly into the healthy relationships we all want in our lives.

We have the ability to live well and thrive.

We all want positive, respectful relationships with our children—and we want our children to grow up experiencing the same. Using PAUSE is a “simple” tool that has the profound ability to transform our relationships, from infancy on. And like a muscle, each time you practice it, it gets stronger.

Take a moment today, before reacting to your child, find a place of calm within you, and think about what it is you want most with your relationship, and how your response and this moment in time could be a stepping stone in that direction

Take a moment to PAUSE and let the power of calm

connection bring you to greater peace, more ease, and real joy in all of your relationships.

You and your children are worth it. Find help right here via either or both of my books.

And here’s another article that can help: PAUSE.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned, Strengthened, and Deeply Appreciated

December 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Lessons learned and greatly appreciated (and quite applicable to parenting) from Life’s Neighborhood–the memory care wing in an assisted living home:

…Being fully present makes all the difference. Oh, yes.

…Connection via a hand placed on another becomes real, meaningful, and important. Holding hands, too.

…LIGHT radiates from those tremendous smiles given as an elderly senior feels that important–albeit often fleeting–connection. So like our baby’s Tremendous Smiles as they first catch sight of us each day…or moment…

…Music and singing lifts souls and taps feet, claps hands, and has some folks dancing–wheel chair bound or not. Movement! So like our little ones.

…Light-hearted humor and playfulness make everything easier and more fun. Laughing. It is essential. Including the kind that turns into tears.

…Pool noodles make great balloon whackers. Whacking balloons brings out GLEE. GLEE leaves folk chuckling, delighting, wanting more. Connection abounds. Playing! Always a good thing.

…The HARD is softened by the bits of JOY shared. And there is joy everywhere…we just have to be looking for it. Sometimes it is obvious, like a lovely gemstone. Sometimes it is the gemstone still in the rough…hard to see the beauty, light, and JOY. Yet it is still there…awaiting a bit of polishing.

…Improvisation. The art of being completely in the moment with another going with THEIR “agenda”, letting go of ours. Pretty powerful. Quite the trails one can go down with a senior with dementia (so like a full-on talking toddler at times as they chat their way through their play!).

…Being understood and appreciated right where a person is “at” brings the warmest smiles of all. Whether its joining alongside a senior who thinks he is headed to a “meeting” with the “boss” to talk about “the numbers” or a young child who is tickled over how the moon “walks with me” and it was “the kitty-no, dinosaur, no my imaginary friend who ate all the peanut butter cuz they crawled into the cupboard, Mama, and hid all night long just like in the story you read and so can I have cookies for lunch?”

...Knowing what to expect and given the chance to be ready feels ever so respectful. To see that in action with elders brings me all the way back to how essential that is for our babies.

…Feeling safe comes from calm, consistent, connected care-giving. And feeling safe is what makes many things possible. It can take time, this feeling safe. Hence the importance of our consistency.

…Big feelings abound. Stepping in alongside gently and quietly can make all the difference in the world. Oh, yes.

…Having a team to work with, laugh with, share with, cry with is essential. Often what self-care is when your work is emotionally and physically HARD and you give 100% all day long. This team-work? It makes all things possible.

Seniors with dementia. Care for them at its best is the very same that we need to be giving our children. Or everyone. Our presence, acceptance, touch. Our respect, gentle care, and calm consistency. What a reminder of how lives can be lived all through the years. What a gift to any of our relationships.

Lessons learned, strengthened, and deeply appreciated. I am grateful to Aegis Living for giving me gifts beyond measure as they so respectfully cared for my mother.

Thank you.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Stress, Conflict, and Relationships…

November 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

“How we handle stress and conflict is

where relationships are born”

( screamfree and Hal Runkel )

I truly appreciate Hal’s work and all that I’ve learned and grown from as a result. Relationships are our foundation in life. Building healthy ones is essential. How we handle stress and conflict determines so much about the health of our relationships.

This is where how we decide to behave or respond in a heated situation either becomes relationship-building or relationship-depleting. And we get plenty of opportunity to practice, for conflicts and challenges with children come…well..sometimes every few minutes…:-)

Relationships are easy when things are all rosy. The real test is when it goes south…and here is where we have a choice.

So often we want to avoid the conflict or fix it immediately. Those unhappy, mad, testing, frustrated moments are uncomfortable–fixing them, making them go away gives us relief. But what does that require? Taking control of how our child is behaving–making them stop, ignoring them completely, cajoling, bribing, demanding, threatening. We become reactive, things spiral up, everyone ends up feeling yucky no matter how it turns out.

What does this communicate to our child? “You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset.” “You need me to decide for you how to feel and behave.” “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self.” That the stronger and more powerful one wins…probably not the message you really want to give. Definitely relationship depleting.

Our choice as things go south? PAUSE….

...and calm ourselves, first and foremost. Being able to calm ourselves (or act-as-if!) and then join in alongside our child through any conflict or discomfort speaks volumes. Respond rather than react. Listen. Collaborate. Still say “NO” as necessary AND from a calm and connected place. Now you are saying, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot,” “I have confidence in you,” “We will be okay,” “How you feel is up to you and I accept your feelings,” “I’ll be here with you as you work through your upset.” What empowering messages for our child.

I so love this story by Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care-–How To Be The Gentle Leader Your Child Needs.

It illustrates just what can happen as we calmly, kindly, and with gentle firmness guide our children through a conflict. With little ones you’ll discover quickly how safe they’ll feel, how connected you are, how good it can be following a conflict. And you’ll know, from deep down, that things are right between you. The conflict? It mellows. Especially due to your calm connection. And your child learns. They can trust you. They feel safe. Your relationship just got stronger.

With older kids, it can take longer. Standing calm, firm, and connected as your teen slams their bedroom door yet again can be incredibly difficult. The desire to go barging in and yell at them to listen, to cut it out, to ‘know better’ is tempting. And in the moment, you may get begrudging and resentful compliance. And this, ultimately, is relationship-depleting . For if they live with begrudgingly and resentfully ‘minding’ you, why would they ever turn to you for support and guidance when they really need it? And if they are busy hearing our “You need ME in order to tell you how to behave and feel”, this can translate to needing a peer to tell them how to handle drugs, sex, alcohol…yikes.

Staying calm, being available to re-connect, being kind and firm in the ‘no’ brings–over time with a teen (with any child)– respect. Now they can feel heard, maybe even understood. There more likely can be compromises. “No’s” can turn into positive negotiations and opportunities to say “Hmmm. I hear you. Let’s give it a try your way.” In many ways it is just like the toddler and preschooler tantruming–the calmer the space you can create with consistent, kind, clear messages, the more likely your teen can calm themselves and be available to really listen. And now they are more likely to tune into themselves–rather than our reactivity. It just takes longer and requires us to trust and persevere…and be patient. It really is a process.

Take time to look for where you are most consistent with your child, where what could be a challenge really isn’t. Think about how you are behaving in those situations. Notice how you feel–your calm, your clarity over what you want or expect, your ability to stay connected and be consistent with following through. Notice how, over time, a difficult situation can change as you choose to stay calm, connected, and consistent day in and day out. And reflect on how your relationship feels.

Relationships are born and grown in the midst of stress and conflict. Grow yours in the direction you want the most–towards trust, caring, confidence, compassion, respect.

And then go take care of yourself–your relationship with YOU is the foundation for all other relationships. Today trust yourself, care for yourself, be confident in yourself, show compassion and respect for yourself. It’ll speak volumes to those around you.

Need help? Here you go: PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection and/or Alice’s Author Page.

Here’s to PAUSE…and growing amazing relationships.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

With Gratitude

November 16, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Thanksgiving. Gratefulness. They go together, don’t they?

And yet gratefulness can so often be defined by loss and sadness. Perhaps that is why we feel the grateful well up inside us…

I’m thinking of any and all loss due to storms, fires, tragic events. I’m thinking Mister Rogers, almost daily right now as fires rage in areas not far from many I know and love. Because Mister Rogers? He spoke always of looking for the helpers.

And it is in looking for the helpers that our deeply felt gratefulness arises. For it is the helpers who take what has been total loss, overwhelming grief, you name it, and given all of it a safe place to be felt, processed, managed, and–hopefully and in time–moved through.

It is looking for and finding all those who, no matter the tragedy and loss surrounding them, are rolling up their sleeves, reaching out, helping. Maybe through seemingly little things such as providing shelter for someone’s pets as they scramble to also find housing for their family…

Maybe by providing dry socks and underwear. Or a solid meal. Water. A hug. Maybe they are making the calls the ones hit by tragedy are unable to.

Perhaps those helpers are the ones physically present to the broken-hearted and overwhelmed and are ***just*** listening. Being there. Walking alongside. Encouraging when possible. Keeping company for sure.

Perhaps it is those willing to go back “in” to where things happened and find personal items for those who can’t. Or dig up all the extra blankets and books and clothing needed and making sure they get handed out to those who need them the most.

Definitely the helpers are the front-liners–firefighters, medical professionals, police, EMTs, search and rescue folks, the Red Cross…oh so many.

Looking for and BEING a helper

fills us with the relief, gratitude, compassion that makes a real and positive and meaningful difference to all.

This Thanksgiving? Every day? I am grateful to each and every one of you who are reaching out to help anyone in your life or community who is in need. We really can make a real difference in our world by doing just this. Little ways. Big ways. No matter. Just DOING.

Make your Thanksgiving full of gratitude. Maybe defined by loss and sadness, maybe one full of joy. Maybe both. What we focus on grows and GRATITUDE is powerful.

May you each have time with those you love in the next few days…

With gratitude,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

It Feels Like a Battle

November 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Covid-19, School and education, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Does it feel like a battle during this pandemic to:

~ balance or limit screen time?
~ get your child back on the screen after “recess” to finish a school day? Or on it at the onset of school? Or just keeping it all going as you juggle multiple children, devices, etc?
~ be able to let go of your concerns over screen time and not feel like you are just giving in and hoping for the best?
~ remember just what it was you did with all your time when screens didn’t rule the day??

We are immersed in All Things Screens.

And many of us know, deep down, how *wrong* it all feels–the overwhelmed, cranky, zoned out feelings. Feeling at odds, perhaps, with how we’ve tried to balance screen time prior to the pandemic and our current reality. The emotional toll on us, on our children, on our friendships–all from both the increased screen time and the pandemic.

We are concerned and confused. And at the same time we are grateful for screens for getting us through this time. What a conflict this can be.

It’s hard. All of it. I hear concerns from preschool teachers who feel like their online time with their 3’s and 4’s is merely a “performance” to keep their students engaged. We know this isn’t how young children learn best and yet, here we are.

I hear from elementary teachers who are mourning the loss of relationship with their students. It’s hard to build a relationship on a computer screen. It’s hard to catch the nuances, respond to those nuances, “feel” the energy or mood of your class–all things key for connecting meaningfully and being in a position to truly teach.

I hear from parents so very concerned about the amount of screen time their kids have to do because of school or because parents are trying to carve out time to work from home and need the distraction of screens to occupy their children. I hear how their kids are throwing more tantrums, melting down, crying–all ages from toddlers to teens as they express the stress they are experiencing; how life at home just doesn’t feel the way they’d like it feel.

I’ve struggled with just how to reach out to all of you–for if you follow me, you know how strongly I feel about being Tech Intentional, taking care with how much and what is used/put in front of our children, being mindful of our own use. If you follow me you know I address often the impact on development and relationships our and our children’s device use has.

And yet, here we are.

I have a sense that it is important for us to let go of seeing all of this as a battle. To perhaps acknowledge and affirm our challenging pandemic reality. To allow it. Yes, allow it. Not from the “I give up” and “throw in the towel” place, but a place of acceptance. Because when we acknowledge, affirm, and accept a challenge something more productive and positive can happen.

And then…THEN we are more able to turn our heads a bit and begin to see (and create) different “spaces” available to us. Turn from the focus of the challenge and turn towards what more we need, are already getting, can do.

Think about all the challenges you’ve faced as a parent. Think about how, as you stepped back from fighting something (such as a toddler’s and preschooler’s wonderful ability to push your button) and instead stepped into it from a place of calm (like when you PAUSE before responding to your child’s undesirable antics and take a deep breath…), a situation feels less intense, more manageable, and our child–because we are calm–feels our connection and confidence. And THEY do better.

So maybe, just maybe, if we welcome in our crazy times, acknowledge them for what they are, affirm them out loud (“YES this is insane!”), we can move beyond the battle and into a steadier place. Now we might be able to see the other “spaces” in our day and life.

Spaces such as…

…The outdoors. Maybe your child only gets a short time to be outside…and maybe, because you’ve allowed our crazy times to be what they are, you find yourself feeling grateful and relieved for that short time. This, rather than regretting the lack of lengthy outdoor time.

…Meal time that is device free. Thrown together, perhaps, and full of hungry and cranky souls after a day on screens…but time together. Space to re-connect no matter how grumpy it might feel. This space? It is invaluable. Even if it is grumpy 🙂

…Taking an extra long hot shower. Or getting a moment to sip your coffee or tea with nothing else on your agenda in that moment. This is self-care. It takes only a moment and it is a real deposit, there to shore you up for the following moments of chaos.

…Reading real books with your child. Maybe only a few, because the day gets away from you, but that space? It fills hearts, minds, laps, and buckets. No matter how brief, it counts.

…Alone time–like when, even though you WANT to spend fun time with your child after they’ve exhausted themselves with online school, they instead retreat to their room. By themselves. To take a break, play quietly, listen to their music, read a book, build with Lego, take a nap. By themselves because they need that PAUSE, too. Just like you. This is a space to honor, nurture, and respect. Even when you’d like, more then anything, to have time with your child that ISN’T about navigating all things screens and school. Acknowledge, affirm, accept and allow the space they’ve just carved out for themselves.

There are so many more spaces in our lives–the ones that contain arts and crafts, laughter, time with others–maybe outside and masked for now, music, dance, being silly, playing board and card games, hiking, exercising, a long soak in the tub…

I encourage you to take time to look for these other spaces in your life, no matter how brief or limited they are right now. Notice them. Re-discover them. Appreciate them. Then maybe, maybe instead of feeling like you are battling through this experience of ours, you find yourself settling a bit, relaxing, accepting.

And now you discover there is a bit of space for something more productive and positive to happen. What we focus on grows.

Here’s to all of you in the midst of what can feel like a battle…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

It’s Tough Being a New Big Brother…

November 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share!

A Mama, 3.5 year old, and new baby.

Mama and Mr. 3.5 crouched on the floor together, working at “tying his shoes.” Baby beginning to stir and wake in cradle. Mama and Mr. 3.5 continue working on making bunny ears with the laces and doing the very tricky work of wrapping one ear around the other and tucking it under…

Baby begins to fuss. First softly, then a bit more loudly . Just as little babies do to let you know they are awake, hungry, wet, needing you.

Mr. 3.5 tenses a bit…but stays rather intensely focused on and a bit agitated with his rabbit ears and tying. You can bet he heard Baby. You can bet he wondered about this interruption. You can bet, because he IS the older brother…just getting used to this new person in his life…and all that THAT means.

Mama PAUSES. Listens to the slowly growing CRY in the nearby cradle. And then, staying crouched on the floor totally focused on and present to Mr. 3.5’s tying work, says, “Baby! I hear you. You are waking and ready for something. When I am all done helping Brother with his shoes, I will come.”

Mr. 3.5? He visibly relaxed. Never straying from his work. Mama smiled and said, “You are working hard at this tying job! Let me know if you need help.” And she stayed, crouched and focused, ears still cocked for Baby, knowing that by staying with Mr. 3.5, it would only be another minute at best and then she could give her full attention to Baby.

And Mr. 3.5 DID it! He finished wrapping one ear around the next, tucking it under, snugging it down, looked up at Mama and grinned. So proud of himself! Mama grinned right back and said, “You DID it. You worked at it until you got your own shoe tied. You are ready to go play. I am ready to help Baby…”

And off Mr. 3.5 dashed down the hall, happy, content, feeling confident in himself, EMPOWERED. And Mama–off to the cradle and as she leaned over, she said, “I’m here, Baby. I’m all done helping Brother with his shoes. He tied them all by himself! (this said, because she KNEW he had one ear cocked her way…). Let’s see what you need…”

It’s tough, you know, being the older sibling with a new baby. All that attention once had is now divided. This Mama? She knew how hard it can be and she knew she wanted to foster a positive and respectful relationship for her two children. By pausing and staying focused on Mr. 3.5 without dashing off to Baby she was communicating her respect for what he was doing. She was letting him know he and his work was important.

What a way to fill a bucket that is feeling a bit empty with all the new changes in the household.

Baby? With her voice and words she reached out to Baby. Now Baby hears her…and Mama followed through with exactly what she said. I know, it seems a new baby wouldn’t understand this and perhaps she SHOULD have jumped up to attend. But this Mama listened carefully and knew the crying wasn’t too much, yet.

And babies DO understand. This understanding begins at birth and comes from this practice with words, voices, calm connection, promises of coming kept.

The cool thing is, over time, Baby soothed with just hearing Mama’s voice. And big brother was more and more able to wait when it was Baby’s turn first. Because he could count on what his Mama said, she meant and would do. No matter what.

Does this mean there weren’t times of major disruption, upset, tears, fights between brothers? Oh no 🙂 . But it DID mean that respect and calm connection were the foundation. And this is a very strong foundation, able to weather all sorts of turmoil and tumultuous times…

So today. PAUSE with your children. Use your voice. Stay present to the one you are with–even if it is to say, “I want to finish reading this book to you, but your sister needs me right now. Do you hear how upset she sounds? I will go get her and then come right back so we can finish our story…” And you keep your promise.

Here’s to this Mama, big brother, and baby. Here’s to you today as YOU do the hard work of parenting well, patiently, calmly, respectfully.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let’s Take Care of Each Other

November 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

“You touched my soul and reminded me about what this country is all about and why it is so great. Let’s stop screaming at each other. Let’s just take care of each other. You made my day.” General Colin Powell, former Secretary of State.

Recently General Powell, upon responding to the gentleman who stopped to help him during a road side flat tire, spoke to how great we CAN be. Yes, he was speaking in regards to the USA, and I’d like to take it further.

Much further.

It struck me, “Let’s just take care of each other.” It seems to me this is spectacularly simple and absolutely essential. And it begins with each of us. There are many levels to what he has said. And it certainly pertains to our world, all our communities, everyone.

Taking care of ourselves.

Taking care of our children.

Taking care of how we think, feel, act.

Taking care with our words.

Taking care of our environment.

Taking care of our world.

“Let’s just take care of each other.” Then there is his first phrase, “Let’s stop screaming at each other.”

Oh YES. Again, in all ways. From the top down and the bottom up. Yet really, if we want our leaders and communities and ourselves to STOP screaming, to be calmer, to listen, to truly demonstrate “taking care…” then we need to do one very simple thing, first and foremost.

PAUSE. Always, always a PAUSE.

It begins with each and every one of US, this difference we can make for our world. It begins with a PAUSE.

A PAUSE that allows us to take a breath in a heated situation. To calm ourselves, even a bit. To consider with care just what it is we want the most–and I mean in the big picture, including and most especially as parents. The big picture takes you out of the heat of the moment–out of “I just want my child to BEHAVE!” and into just what that translates to as you see yourself successfully parenting a child towards a responsible, self-directed adulthood. Because often it isn’t about behaving a certain way in the moment..

It is about helping our children to learn to manage themselves in the long term in order to navigate life in healthy, affirming, productive, considerate, contributing ways, and building healthy relationships along the way.

That’s a whole other article and I’ve written plenty along those lines. Just peruse my blog and you’ll discover oh so much. Let’s step back to where we were, PAUSING, calming, considering with care all that our child (or world) has presented us with.

To consider just what we want the MOST for our child to learn in whatever the situation is that is pushing our button.

To consider just what WE need to say and do to respectfully and with care help them along this process learning is.

To then step in and respond, calmly, considerately, with CARE. Leave the screaming behind. Respond instead of react. What a way to communicate respect. What a way to demonstrate taking care of each other. What a way to touch another’s soul.

It requires us to focus on our selves, first and foremost. To truly be inner directed and outer focused. Inner directed coming from the steady, centered place from within. Outer focused meaning taking that steady, centered soul and extending outward to those around us, to touch another.

Just like the gentleman who stopped to help General Powell.

Just like the kind person in the grocery store who saw you were frazzled and let you in line ahead of her.

Just like the stranger who ran to rescue your child’s special blankey that blew away because your hands were full. Or just because.

Just like the neighbor who showed up at your doorstep with a plate of warm cookies and a welcoming smile.

Just like when you PAUSE in your day to accommodate your child’s need for a lap and a snuggle.

Just like...you fill in the blank.

This “taking care of each other?” It is all around us. Every single day. Everywhere you go. And remember, what you focus on, grows. You *just* have to look for it. Look around with appreciative eyes. Notice the kindness, the good, the courageous, the helping, the willingness, the twinkles, the JOY, the raw feelings shared, the opportunities that are always there to “take care” of another. To BE a helper, even if it is just how you think encouraging thoughts or sit silently with another in their grief, not knowing what to say.

Now consid

er the RESPECT that is now communicated. When we PAUSE, calm, reflect, respond; when we take care of ourselves, and intentionally care for others–we are communicating a deep care and RESPECT for all.

And when we can take care, be calm, connect from this respectful place, so many good things unfold. Productive things. Collaborative, cooperative, energizing things. Things that feel right, good, whole. Things that feel like GROWTH.

PAUSE. The cool thing? As we continue to get an overwhelming amount of opportunity to practice doing just this, we strengthen our pause muscle to the point where we have taken it deeper.

Now we CAN live from the steady, centered, inner-directed

place that allows us to influence and impact our children, world, all our relationships in life affirming ways.

Life affirming.

It struck me, “Let’s just take care of each other.” It seems to me this is spectacularly simple and absolutely essential. Today, take care of YOU so you can take care of and take care with others around you.

Touch someone’s soul.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Difference Trust Makes

October 23, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

How would YOU feel if…

...you knew without a doubt when you needed something you received it? That even if you had to wait a bit, this knowing made the wait okay?

…you could absolutely 100% count on another? Always? No matter what?

…the most important person in your life truly delighted with great JOY in and with you?

…the most important person in your life surrounded your Great Big Sad with a gentle, understanding presence?

…you were given all the time you needed to make sense out of life and the reassurance of trusted company along the way?

I believe you’d feel STRONG. I know I would. Strong from the inside out. Better able to sort through feelings. Aware of what makes you tick and accepting yourself. Able to relate well with others, for you understand their needs and feelings, too.

You’d be able to TRUST. The foundation for all healthy living and relationships.

I’ve watched many Mamas and Papas over the years and have had the privilege of seeing many children grow into strong and healthy adults from this base of respect, care, love our little ones need from us. And I’ve seen the pain and conflict that happens—the lack of trust in themselves, the world, another-–that can undermine just about everything when this kind of respectful relating and trust building is missed.

This solid foundation of trust? It is initially built in infancy. How we respectfully answer our baby’s needs. How we understand they need us nearby for them to check in with–visually and physically. How we watch and listen and put words to their actions and feelings. How we let them know what needs to happen before we do it. How we ask them if they are ready, or hungry, or sleepy and then respond accordingly. How we PAUSE often to first observe.

And it is essential all through childhood.

It’s tough to do when you have a life of work, school, appointments, multiple kids and maybe a missing partner and whatever and all other challenges.

It requires us to slow it down in whatever way we can.

It has us strengthening our ability to be fully present–even for just a few moments.

It asks us to be clear and intentional about how we want the future to look–not just the next hour. Or minute. Though there are times when that really is all we can do–look to the next minute. And yet, we can be intentional with just how we handle that next minute.

It is about taking time. Taking time to build relationships

that can feel strong from the inside out.

This can happen no matter how intensely HARD our life is. It can happen…

…in the midst of the RUSH by pausing for a few extra seconds to really look at your little one and let them know it is a rush and together you will get through it.

…as you just once today are able to actually PAUSE and respond from a place of calm.

…at family dinner time–even if it is the ONLY time you are together and present.

…as you sit to nurse–and you choose to ONLY sit and nurse rather than scroll through your phone and catch up on texts, emails, social media. Or maybe read to your preschooler as your baby nurses…all snuggled up together.

…in the car as you sing, talk, and listen; on a walk as you pay less attention to how far you are getting and more to what your child is curious about; at a doctor appointment as you talk and read together while in the waiting room; at day-care drop off as you take the extra minutes to respectfully transition your child with care and attention; even in the long and frustrating line at the store as you play I Spy, or finger games, or just wiggle your eyebrows at each other…

Taking time. Building trust so your little one

CAN count on you. Depositing as often as you can into the kind

of relationship you want the most.

Today, deposit. Communicate to your little one in whatever way you can in your situation that they CAN count on you. Take a moment to really watch them. Listen to them. Have a conversation with them. Share JOY, sad, mad, success, a nap, a bath, a book, a moment. It all counts.

Know that by doing so you are giving them exactly what they need in order to grow well–strong, from the inside out. What a gift to our children. What we focus on grows.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Boxes! Play! REAL Learning.

October 19, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

BOXES! One of the best playthings from crawlers and on.

I remember my 15-month-old would fill a small box with all her books then climb in and read and read and read. When we went to work at my husband’s fishing site in remote Alaska, all we took was a small box and a pile of books. She immediately set about filling her box with her books, settled herself in the midst of them all, and “read.” To this day, 28 years later, she is an avid reader, though seldom from within a box… 🙂

I remember our friends who built a “Cardboard Condo” that actually was collapsed and moved to their new house, it was such a favorite play thing for their preschoolers. A combination of multiple sized boxes, a bit of duct-tape, and presto! The favorite place to be and a magnet for all the little buddies who came to play. What a way to encourage self-direction, creativity, and imagination--as seen from afar as play changed from being Knights Sword Fighting to Daddies and Mommies and House to “I Bet You Can’t Find Me!”

I remember the refrigerator sized boxes we cut doors and windows in–let the play begin! We often put baskets of markers and crayons inside for them to color the walls, flashlights and books for reading in the dark, and a variety of buddies from stuffed kitty to stick horse that seemed to find their way in and back out–often stuffed right through the windows with peals of laughter over such a funny way to come and go. As the interest in the box waned…we switched up what they discovered inside it. Oh how much fun we all had! A wonderful way to create the kind of play that allows Mom and Dad to get work done around the house… 🙂

I know a family of a young toddler who has a wonderful box conglomeration in their living room–first set up when their son was a crawling baby and they gave him the opportunity to learn a bit about going through something, around something, in something, playing peek-a-boo from something. Now they’ve added tubes and balls and the play expands! So many concepts being learned in just the right way–PLAY.

One box, after intense play, was flattened and turned into a map of roads for all our toy cars–the 4 and 7-year old kids in my care busy driving driving driving all around it. The 4-year-old boy was intent on parking and navigating the “roads” with cars, and his 7-year-old sister was busy creating “houses” and “people” for the cars to come to! All with markers and toy cars, sprawled on top of this flattened chunk of cardboard, completely engrossed in their own imaginings. Ever so essential for all things growth and learning!

Shoe box mailboxes and slot mailboxes were added to the box forts in our living room–now my girls “wrote” letters, folded and folded and folded them, sealed them into a make-shift envelope or a real one and mailed them–endlessly. And happily UN-folded them to read each day! So much incredible learning available through a simple box. We had fun writing them letters for them to discover in their cardboard house mailboxes…and to this day? 25 years later? They write US, friends, each other, grandparents–REAL letters and postcards. What a way to nurture close and meaningful relationships.

I know a little boy who decided a smaller box was HIS quiet place. He’d climb in with his special guy and blanket whenever he needed time to just be. He’d sit there watching all the play around him, quite content. In his box. Lovely. This, in the midst of a small and busy daycare center. The really cool thing? Everyone respected the space he needed and defined for himself.

What a way to help him grow into that capable, confident boy who knows how to manage himself and all his needs well.

And I know a family of a preschooler and infant who have extended their box house into the most magnificent “castle” of hidey-holes and windows and buckets on pulleys and balls and drawbridges that has all kinds of play and joy and quiet time and snack time and pretending to be a post-office time emerging from this castle. Oh! And coloring and writing all over the walls, inside and out. Play that has them totally absorbed in what THEY are doing. Play that includes parents. Play that makes room for buddies and ideas and individual space and conflict and negotiations…on and on and on.

Children lost in their play. Just as it should be.

Totally awesome! And all it takes is a box or two or three or…

BOXES. Fantastic!

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Relationship-building Attention

October 15, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A young mother and her 20-month-old daughter. Quiet and uncrowded indoor public place. A young toddler who was happily doing her own thing–pushing strollers, loading up her baby doll into and out of the stroller, working hard at j-u-m-p-i-n-g (you know, the kind of jump that doesn’t have feet leaving the floor yet?!), reading books, exploring tables with interesting things on them…

So many things I appreciated! The little one’s self-direction–being able to decide just what she wanted to do and how to do it, her constant talking talking talking, the young mother’s gentle approach and willingness to let her daughter lead quite often–from trailing behind her as she pushed her baby doll to welcoming in book after book to read.

I was also saddened.

Why? Because of the theme of dis-connection that ran through the entire three hours this took place.

In the young mother’s hand–nearly 100% of the time–was her cell phone. I know, there’s nothing unusual about this these days. It has become the familiar and norm to have it in your hand or in and out of your back pocket, therefore it must be okay.

It isn’t okay. Because of the disconnection it creates, because of the distraction, because of…oh so MANY things. Let me share what I saw:

With cell phone in hand, mama’s eyes were on her phone–scrolling, texting, scrolling again. Even when she slid it into her pocket it didn’t stay longer then a minute before it was out again. Toddler, upon discovering cool things upon a table, looked up at her mama with questioning eyes–only to be met by a mama who is staring at her phone. Toddler studies her for a minute then returns to the things on the table and begins talking and playing…again looking up to her mama for input, affirmation, to share.

For that is important to young children,

this sharing and affirmation of what they are doing. This is the

CONNECTION so necessary for building healthy

relationships, brains, LIFE.

Mama was looking at her phone.

Then mama pauses a second, glances at her daughter, and–seemingly engaged–says, “Good job!” Back to her phone. That “Good job!”? It becomes meaningless praise when shared in that distracted moment of what is meant to be an affirmation; a recognition of the child’s discoveries. It misses the point entirely. You can read more about that here.

A bit later little one was trying to “get” mama to read to her–mama was on her phone. Little one’s voice escalated, she began to push and pull a bit, getting louder as she went, working hard at getting mama’s attention in just a toddler way. At last mama put her phone down and said, “Okay, good job. You have a book…” And she read.

Her little girl had worked hard to get her mama’s attention. That hard work and escalating behavior to “get her mama”? It was now affirmed as just exactly what to do to get someone’s attention. That this is HOW you get Mama’s attention–start to act up a bit. Probably not what we really want most of the time. And then we wonder why our children “act up” so much…

A bit later and back to pushing the stroller around. The stroller got “stuck” on a leg of a chair and toddler started to work at getting it unstuck all by herself and expressing her frustration as she worked. Mama, with her attention still directed at her phone, just reached over and freed the stroller. Instead of noticing the work her daughter was doing she just heard the frustration and solved it for her. Now and again, we do this.

Yet when rescuing our child becomes the go-to

response–when we jump in and fix “problems” often–we are now displacing the experiences necessary for a child to grow

their capable, confident selves.

WITHOUT the distraction of the phone, mama could have…

...noticed how her daughter was working–on her own–to figure out how to free that stuck stroller. She could have affirmed her frustration, talked about the work she was doing, and by NOT solving it could have grown her daughter’s capable and confident self just a bit more.

...noticed how her daughter accurately steered the stroller over to an interesting table, stood high on her tippy toes, reached for some blocks on the table and began to experiment with them. She would’ve–instead of saying “good job”--probably said something like, “You are stacking the blocks! Do you want the red and blue ones, too?”

This richer and more meaningful language? It grows brains in necessary and amazing ways; is powerful for increasing language comprehension and vocabulary; is essential for a child to be ready to learn once they enter school. “Good job” randomly thrown out does very little to support the learning necessary for healthy growth and development.

…noticed each time her daughter sought her attention and would make eye contact–responding with an encouraging smile, engaged in what her daughter was doing. What a way to say YOU are important. What you do matters. I’m interested in YOU! What an empowering moment for a young child.

All of this? Without the distraction the phone creates it becomes real and meaningful CONNECTION.

Eye-to-eye contact immediately. Rich and meaningful language used. Desired behavior given attention to. Problem solving encouraged. Self-direction enjoyed. Confidence built. Feelings named and affirmed. The result?

A child who can manage themselves in healthy ways…who is ready to learn come Kindergarten…who feels the emotional and physical connection that is essential for healthy relationships and growing well.

Today–be present. Even if it is to say to your little one, “Mommy needs to finish texting right now. When I am done, I will read…play…explore with you.” And then give your FULL attention to whatever you are doing.

Try putting your phone down today. Leave it in the car while you head into preschool or daycare. Silence it totally while you sit on the floor and play. Put it in a drawer during that usually tough late afternoon time so you can really pay attention. Practice it in little ways.

And then take the time to notice what your little one does, how they do it, what they are enjoying. Talk about what you see. Delight in it. Be available–fully. Without the phone to pull your eyes away, you may just discover some wonderfully delightful moments…surprising moments…necessary to be helpful moments.

Your child will feel your connection to them. How awesome is that? And your job as a parent? It will get a bit easier.

With hope and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam

Thinking Ahead With Respect

October 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

In the midst of parenting a young child? Consider this…

You’ll want your future teen to be able to say no to negative peer pressure or unwanted sexual activity.

You’ll want your future teen to have a clear idea of what feels right and good to him or her.

You’ll want your teen to show respect, both for themselves and for others.

You can begin right now with your young(er) child to build the foundation and relationship that will more likely grow a teen able to do all of the above.

It starts with OUR respect. Begin now to model how your child deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies respecting their space–both emotional and physical. What does this look like with our younger kids? A few ideas:

Stop tickling when they say no or stop or don’t.

Knock first on their bedroom/bathroom door and ask to come in.

Ask first if they are ready for a hug, and wait for their answer–and respect it if they say no.

Ask first if they are ready to have their face washed, their shampoo rinsed, their diaper changed, and wait for them to respond. And when you have to wash, rinse or change? Then let them know you are going to and pause to give them the moment to be ready.

Calm your anxiety over their messy room–give them that space to call their own and be responsible for it…and that means letting go of the mess that accumulates (other than the once a month obligatory deep clean!). It also may mean letting them know you will blow a kiss from the door to say goodnight, since you are unwilling to risk tripping and falling your way to their bed.

Let them struggle. Affirm the difficulty, the feelings; ask them what they think they can do. Describe what you see as they work at a stubborn puzzle piece or finicky sock or challenging playground equipment. Let them know you are there and when they are ready, you are happy to help–and then step back.

Give them options other than kissing Aunt Martha or Grandpa–let them know they get to decide how to greet them in a way that is comfortable to them.

Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way. Listen, affirm, and if things still need to happen the way you see best, calmly follow through. Now their ideas are valued, and cooperation can step up.

Respect. Model it from day one and you will more likely grow a teen with a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate pressures in healthy ways. Truly relationship building.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Preschooler + Airplane = ?

October 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

A full airplane. A mama, grandmom, and 3.5-year-old. Mr. 3.5 was strapped into his carseat, fully FULLY engaged with peeling itty-bitty stickers off of a sticker sheet and ever-so-carefully poking them into place upon his knee.

Great concentration. Wonderful fine-motor work . Grandmom and Mama watching, occasionally commenting, definitely enjoying. Me, too. I was across the aisle.

Mr. 3.5 finished filling his knee with stickers, looked at the empty sticker sheet, and promptly began peeling each itty-bitty sticker off the knee he had just filled and transferring them one at a time to his OTHER knee.

Again, concentration. Focus. Total involvement. One finger poking them into place ever so carefully. Totally fun watching him do his work!

Mama and I spoke (really, how could I resist?!). I mentioned how focused and intent her little guy was and how cool it was to see him engaged in this rather than (and, yes, if you follow me you know what is coming next) being handed a screen to watch.

I mentioned how incredible this simple activity was for building his brain.

And Mama said, “We used to use screens. No more. He was diagnosed with speech delay. Ever since we focused on other activities for him, his speech has caught up!”

Mama was quite pleased, and then showed me the books they brought along for the ride, more stickers (since her son LOVED stickers!), and other airplane activities–including Grandmom–who, as the plane took off, pointed and talked and commented on all Mr. 3.5 was seeing out his window (a momentary pause from sticker work…)

Speech delay. Just one of the many things to be aware of as a result of your little one being exposed to too much screen time.

Think about it–each time they are “plugged in” there is LESS language and conversation from/with you. The language often used by us (if we use any at all) with our kids when they are “on a screen” is simplified to things like “push there/swipe that/see that.” Rarely the rich language we use in conversation or when involved in hands on activities or exploration.

And it is this rich language in real time with an important-to-them adult that has our little ones’ brains firing away, building all those neural pathways necessary for ALL things, speech included.

Even OUR screen time can be a part of a young child’s speech delay—the more we are distracted, the less we respond to our children in meaningful, rich, connected ways.

The more we CAN give our full presence no matter how brief, our respect as shown by our full presence, our meaningful words because now we are tuned in to just what they are doing or what we are trying to communicate to our little ones, the more THEY can grow in optimal ways. Simple. Hard at times. Often exhausting. And worth it.

Absolutely worth it.

And just think–when our children do have the ability to understand our meaningful and naturally more complex language AND speak (or sign!) it, it means LESS frustration and falling apart and acting out making our job just a bit easier. Now that’s something to think about!

Kudos to this Mama. She learned the hard and concerning way, intentionally created positive change, and glows as a result. Her son is thriving. And sleeping, now. Thank goodness because Mama was tired, too…. All that sticker work exhausted him!

A story to consider.

Check out the Screen Time Action Network for more help, resources, support, encouragement.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Mister Rogers. A Champion for All.

September 24, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

I am incredibly moved. Tears in my eyes kind of moved. I share this again because I saw this documentary again. And again, I was incredibly moved. https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=FhwktRDG_aQ

Mister Rogers–a champion of all things children

is becoming a champion for all.

He was, always has been, and continues to be a hero of mine, a hero of many of yours, a definite hero of children. I have turned to him over the years to be reminded of, encouraged and inspired by his quiet, calm reassurance. I have always seen him as a person to aspire to. He is a man of integrity. He spoke and lived with the respectful presence and quiet certainty that has, can, and will hopefully continue to change our world in powerful ways.

I know for some, his slower way of speaking is difficult to listen to. We make jokes about it, we feel a tad uncomfortable at times, we stop listening as a result.

If you haven’t seen when he spoke at a Senate hearing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9uIJ-o2yqQ

…then I encourage you to do so.

It speaks (yes, slowly) VOLUMES of how, when we PAUSE and really, truly listen, we can change the world. Mister Rogers did at this Senate hearing; he does still, years after his passing. Despite many of us being uncomfortable with his way of being.

Mister Rogers was a pro when it came to feelings–and being comfortable in all feelings–yours, mine, his. Hence, despite many adults feeling odd around his slow, measured self–he has made the kind of positive impact that is expanding in infinite ways.

He can be a lesson in patience. He can be the role-model for the kind of authenticity we need more of. He can show all of us what can be deeply meaningful and important for any and all relationships. We can chuckle about it. We can look the other way. And yet, Mister Rogers? He stays steady and certain in all that is Right and Good for children. For us.

I am grateful he is, long after his passing, becoming a shining example of the love, light, and goodness so essential for living well.

“…each child, if you truly listen to him or her, is a universe of thought and feeling and what we owe every one of them is to hear who, exactly, they are. That’s how you build a sane society.” (Mister Rogers)

“He is needed because of his quiet calm reassurance, love and how he helps you manage your feelings–even hard ones like anger, fear, and grief.” (Reviewer)

“…if we make feelings mentionable and manageable…(a child can have) the good feeling of control…” (Mister Rogers)

“.. .it’s an invitation for somebody to be close to you. The greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know they are loved and capable of loving.” (Mister Rogers)

“…it is essential for us to make ‘goodness’ a foundation.”
(Mister Rogers)

Thank you, Mister Rogers, for continuing to radiate the love, light, compassion, and genuine care we all need more of. May we all be lifted so we can lift others along our way.

For that is what this really is all about–growing

ourselves in such a way we can be the one to lift another in times of need; to be the one receptive to another’s care and compassion so we can be lifted.

You know, it really does take a village of caring neighbors.

Won’t you be my neighbor?

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Conversations with Baby

September 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Oh yes!

What a delight it is to converse with a baby…a toddler…and onward up through the ages–yes, even the teenagers who can get a bit less-than-wonderful as they roll their eyes and use THAT tone of voice.

Click here for a fabulous article on just this. Conversing, and the impact it has on your baby.

Conversation, as research has found and many of us have known and practiced and encouraged, is key for…well…everything. From language development to social and emotional to relationship building to meaningful connection….

It is essential for healthy brain development. And healthy brain development is the foundation of learning and living well.

And it begins with BABIES. It requires us to be fully engaged. It asks for the give and take and nuances of conversation. It means being aware, taking turns, and staying in the moment with your little one.

Like the older woman of recent who I watched engage a baby new to her:

Woman: “Hello! And look at you….” PAUSE.

Baby: Eyes widen as she studied this stranger. (And yes, no verbal response is necessary. Those eyes widening as the woman paused? THAT was a conversational response…)

Woman: “You are really studying me. I know I’m new to you…” PAUSE.

Baby: Wiggles. Glances to Papa who is holding her. Looks back at woman and reaches out a chubby hand.

Woman, as she holds out her palm to Baby: “You are curious about me! I wonder if you’d let me hold you?” And she held out both her hands and paused once again. Waiting for Baby’s response. Ever so respectful.

Baby: Studied the woman’s out-reached hands. Looked at her face, and then subtly leaned her body toward the woman.

Woman: “Oh! You are ready to have me hold you!” And she took curious Baby into her arms and continued on with this beautiful give and take conversation–verbally one-sided, and fully FULLY turn-taking and engaged.

It was a lovely exchange–actually, a “dance”–to witness. The respect shown, tremendous. THIS is a conversation.

And the more we practice it with our babies by asking and waiting, the more they become toddlers chatting away with you–the more it is important–oh SO important–that we engage respectfully and meaningfully.

And consider this:

“…but if you’re not engaging with the child and having a conversational duet about what the child is interested in, you’re not going to give the child the language processing skills that they need…” (Roberta Golinkoff)

A conversational duet about what the child is interested in.

What happens when, as seen increasingly these days, we “converse” with our little one as we glance back and forth from our phone, texting, scrolling, distracted?

We lose the duet. We lose what our child is truly interested in, focusing on, curious about. We often miss cues that are ever so important in this duet. We show our child that communication and conversation is secondary to what’s on our phone. And then we wonder, down the road a bit, why our child doesn’t listen to us. Among other things… 🙂

And when we make this the norm, we are–as science is showing and professionals such as Magda Gerber has always spoken of–displacing just what our children need the most to grow WELL. To feel connected, deeply. To be seen and respected as the capable and competent souls they are. To be truly understood. To be interacted with from a place of understanding.

We miss their cues. And this translates into less learning, displaced development, fewer words/language skills. And this? It ripples out to how they learn, move through school, build relationships…to how they GROW.

We want our best for our children. Let’s start with some basics–meaningful connection, our presence, our respect. Conversation. Meaningful, rich, and it begins at birth and can be fostered at ANY age.

Start today with a PAUSE, with your presence, with your ability to really notice and observe how your little one responds to what you have to say.

And then, when it is your turn, respond. Pretty amazing. Very powerful. Wonderfully relationship-building.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Learning Despite Unusual Times

September 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Social Emotional Comment

We have an opportunity in front of us. An opportunity to choose how we want to respond to all the chaos surrounding us. Our lives have become bubbles of sorts, with much of our work, family life, and school happening in unusual ways including, for many of us, at home.

We worry because it seems our children are going to lose out on what they need in order to learn and grow in healthy ways. We are exhausted as we try to juggle a seemingly overwhelming task, keeping up with life as we knew it within life as it is now–changed and challenged.

I believe we can foster connection, build relationships, and encourage and nurture real learning despite, or perhaps because of, our feeling overwhelmed. Even without the usual-to-us education (daycare, preschool, Kindergarten…) that we’ve known up until now. And all of these–connection, relationships, learning–are intertwined with each other and already happening in your home.

Did you know…

…when you’ve reached the point of throwing up your arms and letting go of even trying to keep up and get it all done, your child has the opportunity to demonstrate their capable and competent self? Like when a mama I know felt so overwhelmed she forgot to fix lunch for her 4 and 7-year old, and discovered them a bit later at the kitchen table eating sandwiches they had made all by themselves. You can do this, too (throw in the towel and let go) and give your children a chance to show their capable and competent selves. And when we can, we are communicating confidence in their ability to be in charge of themselves. Very cool.

…when you read and re-read the same book over and over to your child you are growing and strengthening essential neural pathways in their brains, expanding their language and comprehension, providing them with stability and predictability as they hear the same words over and over again? You are fostering a warm connection between the two of you that is the foundation for healthy relationships. You may get tired of that same story; know that your child needs it. And when we are overwhelmed in life, it can be soothing for us, as well, to just sit down and get lost in a familiar book with our child. Everything else will wait. Relish this moment.

…when you let your child climb up on a chair and help pour the flour into the bowl, followed by the milk as you make biscuits for dinner, you are providing them an opportunity to discover how a solid and a liquid behave individually as well as what changes when mixed together (oh the science of it all!); you are providing essential mathematical concepts as they hear “Measure one cup…pour all the milk…let’s take spoonfuls…”; and you are, once again, depositing soundly into a healthy, connected relationship that is the foundation for all learning. If you have no mental space to include your child, that’s okay, too. Sometimes I just put a bowl, measuring cup and spoons, and some oats and water out for my daughter to “cook all by herself” on the floor while I threw dinner together.

…when you tell your child “I have to do my work right now, we will play together later” AND you follow through with exactly that, you are giving your child an opportunity to learn how to self-direct (aka play on their own or decide to be a puddle of tears next to you…), discover they can count on what you say you mean (trust! Ever so important), and the essential opportunity to experience big feelings (and eventually learn to manage them well ). You, too, will strengthen your ability to focus on your necessary work no matter the chaos at your feet…really!

…when you are finally DONE and become a puddle of tears yourself, you are giving your child the chance to learn how mama handles her Great Big Sad, you are giving them a chance to show the compassion you so effortlessly and tirelessly show them, you are providing a moment of deep and meaningful connection that can warm everyone’s heart. It’s okay to sit on the floor and cry.

…that sitting quietly beside your child building your own tower of blocks as they chatter happily next to you stacking theirs, you are providing the companionship and space they need to explore their world in their own way. They are learning to self-direct, to be in charge of and think their own ideas, to connect with you in meaningful-to-them ways–“My papa loves me! He likes to play the things I like! What I do is important to my papa!” And you? You get a moment to PAUSE, breathe, recover a bit from feeling over-the-top exhausted.

I could go on and on. So much learning available all through our days. So much value to everything we do. Relationships and learning go hand in hand. Our young children are learning all about their world–know that everything you do with them, for them, away from them are your tools for nurturing the kind of future adults you hope for. Let the simple moments through the day become part of the learning your child needs the most. Use your day intentionally–including how you take care of YOU, including when you throw up your arms and let go, including giving yourself the space and grace to be overwhelmed.

Let our current surreal reality become an opportunity for intentional growth in your family. For it can. And we will all be the better for it.

Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Our Children are Watching

September 11, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

I, too, get tired of all the negativity in our news. I, too, know that how I decide to respond to any negativity, to any event that drags me down is key for how I then feel and am able to participate, respond, act on.

Something that concerns me is what our children are absorbing from where our attention and reactivity is often focused. Let’s be able to respond productively to any and all of the less than wonderful news and events by intentionally choosing to put our attention, action, and words to what we want more of. And I believe that is respect, kindness, acceptance, care and compassion to name a few.

Our children are watching, absorbing, and learning.

Let’s be sure what they are learning is life-affirming

and relationship-building.

I went exploring Mister Rogers’ quotes, for he exemplifies all of this and more. I intend to share them often, for what we focus on grows. Enjoy his quotes…and maybe my take on them will give you a bit of encouragement today…a PAUSE of sorts

Be kind. Show kindness. Put being kind at the forefront of all you do; let it be the filter through which you live.

We can be kind in our “NO”s. Gentle firmness is being kind.

We can be kind in the way we PAUSE and listen. Even when we then disagree.

We can be kind in our physical touch–gentle, respectful. Even when it is to stop our child.

We can be kind with our words–always. Even when our words are speaking of things that are uncomfortable.

We can be kind by speaking our truth from a respectful, more intentional place. And now we can be more likely heard.

We can be kind to ourselves as we grieve, feel upset, are confused. Self-care. It goes a long way.

We can be kind in the care and compassion we show any and everyone in our life. Kind even when we are tired of the whining or complaining. Kind even when we are frustrated.

Maybe kind is taking that PAUSE for yourself so you CAN speak with care. Maybe kind is just saying, “I feel tired and frustrated with your whining.” Calmly, quietly.

Kind is being authentic and genuine in all you do. Able to truly apologize–heartfully–when necessary.

Kind is rarely about rescuing another from taking responsibility for their actions, agreeing even when it feels entirely WRONG, going along with something that leaves you feeling completely out of alignment with your values. No. Kind at these times is like that gentle firmness we show our children as we stop them from hurting another.

Kind is saying, clearly and calmly and quietly, “I disagree.

I will do it differently. I stand for what I believe is

right and good and inspiring.” Kind is saying, “I will walk alongside you as you struggle. I have confidence in you, we will be okay.”

Be kind today. Thank you, Mister Rogers. You have always been a hero of mine.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Cost of Smart Phones…

September 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

It is such a struggle.

A million connections and “have-tos” to maintain AND all the needs of our children. Not to mention our own self-care, our relationship with our partners, work, meals, finances, illness, you name it.

It’s a struggle, this juggling we all do. Exhausting. Frustrating. Trying to be good parents, friends, employers and employees, partners.

Enter in smart phones. Yes! This struggle, with phone in hand, feels like it can be eased.

Now we can manage so much of our life where-ever we are. Maybe we can take care of the scheduling, banking, finding key information, and still connect with other adults (whew! Adult time, essential)…all while our children play at the library book center…the park…on the playground…in front of a screen of their own…in the waiting room at the doctor’s office…in the grocery cart busily munching an apple. All because of our phone.

We can do all of this as we move through our day without stopping (or breathing, sometimes), maybe with the intent of freeing ourselves up come evening time and really enjoy our family meal or pile of books or play time outside.

Maybe.

Or maybe we find that smart phone and all the connections encroach upon our evenings. Ring Ding Ping and our attention moves from our child or our self or whatever we are engaged in to our phone. Or laptop. Or iPad. Or whatever digital device that is the latest and greatest.

It IS a struggle.

With all the increasing awareness of the essential time

AWAY and OFF of screens is for growing well, building healthy relationships, having brains that really can be at their optimum…we should be doing better.

Yet it seems rather harmless…

…as we sit on the library play area’s floor with our child happily toddling around to engage ourselves on our phones.

…to pay more attention to our phones rather than staying tuned into our babies, their experience, their interest in the world around them.

…to sit on the bench at the playground and do more of our work while our kids are roaring around.

…to say, “Wait a sec! Daddy just texted me…” as your child is in the middle of telling you a funny story from school.

…to constantly or daily text our teens and young adults in order to feel more connected and involved in their lives.

It SEEMS rather harmless. And you know, on occasion it is necessary and totally okay and even fun. Yet is it really so necessary the majority of the time? Or have we gotten ourselves into a lifestyle of on-line living that we find it a real struggle to step away from it?

And at the cost of what? I believe at a very concerning cost to our relationships–with ourselves, our partners, our children. In so many ways. Think about those teens and young adults as we constantly stay “connected” by texting them–how can they do the ever-essential cutting of the apron strings when we won’t untie them ourselves? That’s a whole other post to write..

With our attention constantly divided or, as in with our teens and young adults, constantly given because now we CAN, we communicate an underlying disrespect for (and with our teens, a lack of confidence in) another. And what I feel quite concerned about is how THAT seems “normal” now. No big deal. Yet it is a big deal.

This subtle disrespect (or not so subtle at times…)? It ripples out and permeates everything we do, every relationship we have. It OKs a culture of disrespect. We’ve been seeing an overwhelming amount of that in recent years.

More importantly, our kids feel disconnected from us.

They have to try even harder for our attention (in not so good ways, usually…). They “hear” THEY aren’t as important as what is ringing dinging pinging on our phones. They “hear” what they do and who they are isn’t appreciated or understood by us–how could it be when we are constantly glancing down at our phones, then up to nod and smile and say, “Yes! I see you! I hear you!” then down again to our phones? Ever hear, “But MOM, you aren’t listening to me with your EYES!”??

The teens and young adults who we feel so connected with due to texting so often with them? They “hear” our lack of confidence in their ability to separate, LAUNCH, become independent adults. Probably not what any of us intend.

I’m betting it is rather exhausting–emotionally and physically–for our kids to constantly remind us to look, hope we will look, to catch us up on the story by re-telling it because we got interrupted yet again. Or maybe not retelling it and just shrugging their shoulders and saying “Never mind…”, feeling even less connected with us. Or, of course, acting up and out as they try ever so hard to GET our attention. Negative behavior, enough of it, often draws our attention pretty quick…:-)

I’m betting it is rather exhausting emotionally and physically for our older kids and young adults who feel they have to juggle our texts constantly, or have decided it is the norm to stop whatever they are doing and disconnecting from whomever they are with to answer, yet again, one of our Ring Ding Pings to them. Or maybe they answer because they feel responsible for how we will feel if they don’t stop what they are doing to respond…

And just think of and know about the exhaustion in our own bodies and minds as we constantly have to re-attend to whatever it is we are trying to attend. You know, listening to, learning about, or reading something of interest, to hear that Ring Ding Ping, to glance, maybe respond, to then re-focus on what you were first doing? We lose. A lot, over time. And when it becomes our norm, we forget how much we lose. Until the stress or the overwhelming nature of it all causes a big enough crises in our life that we decide to choose differently.Like anxiety. Withdrawal. Rebellion. Depression. Ours AND our children’s.

It is a struggle.

I see it everywhere. Even as I am incredibly intentional with my screen use, I feel the struggle, too. I definitely feel the exhaustion.

The question is:

What more can we do to create the healthy space FROM our phones and screens so we can be SURE to create the healthy relationships, to actually use all these moments throughout our days in relationship building ways and recognize how they count hugely over time?

To truly deposit, often and with our full and respectful presence, into all our relationships?

Share with me what works for you to be intentional with your screen use, rather than going through your day always reacting to those fairly constant Ring Ding Pings. I’d like to know. We all need encouragement to PAUSE and BE fully with another, with ourselves. We all need encouragement to step away from this constantly ON life-style we’ve found ourselves in–to know that there is a real and essential necessity to step OFF.

To find the balance that truly builds

all relationships in healthy ways.

I encourage all of us to be intentional with all that we do–most especially, in how we connect meaningfully with our children and others in our lives, and what place our devices actually have in doing so.

I’d like to know your thoughts…share with me!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Talk Sharing

September 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk sharing. I found myself lingering in our local library recently, enjoying the ‘learn, play, read’ area they’ve created for infants to preschoolers. I watched how parents quietly sat on the floor and stayed present to their exploring little ones. I loved the access to so many fabulous books.

And I heard the inevitable “Share!” “No, no, be nice, you have to share.” “You can’t have that, you have to share it.”

This sharing deal? It really is more about us than our children.

Think about it. Developmentally it is between 3 and 5 that children really grasp what sharing is all about. Yet we demand our toddlers and young preschoolers to somehow just ‘know’ how to do it. And whew, wouldn’t it be nice if they did! No fighting, arguing, grabbing…all is fine and easy and we can feel like good parents.

Sharing requires understanding of ours and another’s feelings and desires. Sharing is about being creative with another as you use something together, it is about being compassionate and giving, it is about being respectful.

How do our young ones grow into the sharing mode?

By our understanding of THEIR feelings and desires, our compassion, our giving, our being respectful of them. This includes beginning with complete ownership over something.

Take a moment and think about your teen years…say you had worked many hours to save up for the beautiful new sweater or dress that you finally bought and your sister demands wearing it prior to you (since you were saving it for that special date sometime in the future) and your parent insisted you “be kind and share, for heaven’s sake”–how might you feel?

I believe you’d feel resentful. You might share, but begrudgingly. It might make you mad. It might even leave you feeling guilty, for not feeling gracious and sharing willingly. And think about how it might influence your relationship with your sister–-probably in less than wonderful ways. This is what is what happens when we, out of our own desire to have our children ‘be nice’ and have what seems to be conflict go away, make our little ones share.

What to do, instead? Respect ownership. If a young toddler knows for sure their time with an item is fully respected, if that is the norm for them that they can be fully submerged in their exploration of whatever toy, then when they feel done it is a simple extension to letting the next toddler have it. All we have to do is respect their feelings, their time, their choice.

Scenarios for you:

“You want a turn with the stuffed kitty.” PAUSE and wait. “Timmy, Grace wants a turn with the kitty.” Wait and watch. “Oh, Grace. It looks like Timmy isn’t done with the kitty. Would you like to play with the truck or read a book while you wait for a turn?”

“It makes you mad that you can’t have the kitty right now. It’s hard to wait, isn’t it? Let’s go over here together and I can help you wait for your turn.”

“When you grab the book, it makes Sally mad. She wasn’t done with it.” PAUSE. “Sally, do you want to finish looking at the book or can Erik have it?” Wait quietly. “Looks like Sally wants to finish reading the book. Erik, can you hand it back or would you like me to help you?” PAUSE once again. “Here, I will help you give it back. I know, you really want a turn. Maybe we can read it together? Or maybe you and I can read THIS book until Sally is done.”

“Hmmm. I see two children who both want the puzzle.” PAUSE. “Wow, Mikey REALLY wants to use it and Sarah is already working with the pieces.” Wait. “Is there another puzzle in this room that we could find?” “Is there something else Mikey might want to play with–Sarah, could you find something for Mikey while he waits for you to be all done?” Or…”Here’s a piece for you to work with, Mikey. Sarah, are you going to put your piece in? Mikey, where does yours fit? Look how you can both work on the puzzle!”

And when sharing naturally occurs? When two little ones are both exploring one thing, or handing something over, or giving a piece of theirs to another? Then you get to let them know “You are sharing! Marie likes it when you share a piece of your snack.” What we focus on grows

Now what is learned–whether a conflict or natural sharing?

Respect. Understanding of feelings. Greater awareness of their own feelings and another’s. What to do when there is conflict.

All necessary for future sharing. The cool thing? As you PAUSE and observe before even jumping in, you may notice these little ones handle it just fine between them. Maybe when a toy is grabbed from another, the other doesn’t mind. Neither should we. They are learning. Maybe when a toy is grabbed it gets grabbed back. Wait. See how it plays out.

Intervention really is only necessary when big feelings take over or hitting/biting begins. Now it’s time to step in, describe what you see, affirm feelings, and PAUSE, always PAUSE through-out, giving your child the opportunity to process and respond. You may be surprised with what they decide to do.

Sharing begins with respect for feelings, ownership, unhurried time.

When a young child feels respected–when their time with something is honored–they naturally will ‘share’ with another. What does this require from us? PAUSING, always :-). Calming our anxiety over what seems like conflict, fighting, disagreements, unfairness. Calming ourselves down as we find ourselves with other parents who do it differently. I know what worked for me was to stay focused on the children involved rather than talk with the other parent. Or I would say, “Let’s see how our kids work it out, first.” Or we’d just chalk up a disintegrating situation to just that. A disintegrating situation. An opportunity to affirm feelings and get the heck out of there.

Relax today. Let your toddler and young preschooler finish what they are doing. Show them the respect you want to see in them as they grow. Trust the process–sharing evolves. Naturally, and often later. Honor the steps one at a time that will create the foundation for not only sharing, but positive and healthy relationships. There is no hurry.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Please Don’t Cry!

August 25, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

When my daughter was a teen and going through an intense emotional time, I wanted nothing more than to fix it for her–to make her upset go away.

Isn’t that what many of us want? We want our children to be happy, content, confident, you name it. But my wanting to “fix” her upset? This was more about me needing to feel better–to feel I’m a good parent because 1) I have the power to “fix” her problems and 2) my daughter was happy once again. I knew this wasn’t healthy–this wasn’t going to help, support, encourage, or empower her to learn how to manage her own self. To become happy, content, confident in herself. It would only serve to make me feel better and probably only temporarily until the next round of emotional upset.

Instead, I paused. I considered what I really wanted–for her to feel in control of herself, capable at being upset, and to know that I am a resource she can always count on.

I took a moment to think about what upset feelings of either of my children I have been most comfortable in. I found myself reflecting back to toddler and preschool years and physical hurts. Though they came to me scraped up and bloody, alligator tears and sobbing, I remembered how I could welcome their upset with open arms, with a sense of calm, and just–quite literally–sit with them as they cried.

I remembered how, in time, I could ask how they’d like to handle their owie and give them as much control over it as possible. I felt calm, I stayed connected, I was quiet and close as they unloaded their upset. I was okay with their great big sad. I like to think this is why, as young adults, they are far more matter-of-fact with their physical injuries…taking the hurt in stride and addressing it from a positive perspective.

I took this knowledge and memory of what worked and felt successful in the past and ‘wore’ it going into this VERY difficult experience with my daughter. On the outside I was calm, on the inside I was actively pausing and talking to myself and recognizing the anxiety that was trying to bubble up.

As I acted-as-if I was that young mom with a hurt toddler, I found myself sitting next to her, rubbing her back, no eye contact, staying quiet as she unloaded. I waited until her tears slowed and then I asked questions rather than offered solutions. She calmed herself down, came up with ideas, asked for my thoughts, and ultimately moved forward positively and well. I remember this moment for it was incredibly difficult for me NOT to jump in with my ideas, advice, desire to fix it all so she could get back to happy. There’s that power of pause at work.

The gifts? For my daughter it was the confidence in her I demonstrated as I sat with her calmly–confidence in her ability to manage all her upset. It was the empowerment she felt as a result. It was how she could take charge and move forward. It was a moment that she found she could turn within and gather up her inner strength. It was a moment she knew I was there for her, not for me.

For me? It was a moment of meaningful connection. A deposit into our relationship. A moment when I knew, deep down, that she would eventually soar and that I just grew a bit stronger myself. It has strengthened my ability to sit in an uncomfortable place–with myself and with others. And I like to think I am role modeling for my girls just what to do with those less than wonderful feelings…at least, some of the time! It is a practice…oh, and we get so many opportunities to practice every single day .

Mister Rogers’ has been and always will be a hero of mine. He inspires me daily as I reflect often on what he’d do–whether it is with children or in response to life. Thank you, Mister Rogers.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Just LISTEN to me!

August 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We want, at times quite desperately, our words alone to work–aka: Just LISTEN to me!

You know the drill:

…your preschooler gets extra lively in a public place–perhaps ‘over the top’ lively. Maybe pulling things off shelves in a store, or running pell-mell in and out of other people, or just bursting with LOUD. You find yourself saying, over and over, “Please stop. Put that back. Hold still. Be quiet. COME HERE NOW…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

...your teen is propped up in front of their computer, Facebook, chat, a favorite TV series all on at the same time. Homework and chores are looming over (your!) head. You find yourself nagging, threatening, bribing–“Get your homework done. Remember to clean the bathroom. Get off of Facebook! If you don’t get onto your jobs soon, I’m going to…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

Your child? They see it is a ticket to do it more, louder, bigger, messier, with sass, THAT tone, you name it. And your anxiety, embarrassment, frustration, and anger gets louder, bigger, messier, comes out with sass, THAT tone, you name it. Oh my, who is the adult in all of this? And things typically disintegrate further.

How would it feel to be confident your child can choose

appropriate behavior as necessary? That you can count on them to manage themselves well? That they can hear your words the first time and they ARE effective?

I’m betting it would feel absolutely wonderful if you felt confidence in both yourself and your child, in how you communicate, cooperate, collaborate. I’m betting you’d feel steadier and stronger from the inside out, and your child, too. I’m betting things would feel a bit more peaceful and positive. At least some of the time :-).

What might this take?

PAUSE. Always, always PAUSE. It really does come first and is

the foundation for all of this.

Then consider just what you really want the most. If you intend to grow a child who can, on their own, decide to listen, choose appropriate behaviors, be responsible for the choices they make, then it begins with you calming yourself down and recognizing your words alone are not enough–it is essential to say what you mean AND mean what you do. To take action.

Here’s the trick with little guys. Let PAUSE calm you down, then shove your anxiety and embarrassment out of the way, focus on your intent to help your child learn to manage themselves so maybe words alone COULD work eventually, step close to your child and perhaps:

...put your arms around them or your hand on their shoulder; kneel down to their level; maybe pick them up, rubber arms and all.

...steer them gently towards whatever the solution is–if it’s returning items to where they belong, know that you may end up doing most of the work as you gently keep them alongside you–and that’s okay.

...be willing to let them get mad; always affirm their feelings and wishes: “It makes you mad when I stop you from running pell-mell around the store. You’d like me to put you down. It’s not safe and I will hold you.” “You were having fun pulling all the cloth bags off the rack! You really don’t like it when I stop you. The bags belong on the rack…”

...be willing to let go of it all and leave the situation with your child–especially if they’ve reached the tantrum level. Now nothing you say will be heard or processed–calm connection is essential for them to regain self-control and be able to listen to you. It’s okay to head back to the car and leave the full grocery cart behind. It is equally okay to return to the store once calm has been restored–what a way to role model responsibility!

…know what can motivate them positively–-“When you calm down and we finish returning things to the shelves, I can tell you a funny story about…I can listen to your ideas…We can take daddy his lunch…” You are the expert on your child, and you know just what can help move them through a tough situation. Respect their feelings, take your time moving through the challenge, and then use what you know will have you heading the direction you want. My girls LOVED tiptoeing out to see if the ravens were splashing in all the puddles…eventually. After we worked through the MAD or SAD that was holding us up…:-)

And now you’ve communicated that your child

can count on you to keep it together no matter how they behave. That they can count on you to keep your promises and follow through with exactly what your words were saying.

What a powerful message–one that leaves a child feeling safe, able to trust you, secure in your calm connection. This is where children now can learn to manage themselves. Words alone only work when the foundation has been set via action defined by calm connection. A PAUSE allows you to be intentional with your word choice so you CAN follow through and keep your promise. Take care in your words–choose just what you really mean and will do.

Your older child or teen? Let your PAUSE give you time to reflect on just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, find ways to calm your anxiety over their choices, be clear on what you expect. Self-care, remember? Key for being able to calm our anxiety!

Then let go. Let go of trying to control every little thing and instead consider just what it is you want your child to learn, how you want them to grow, and how best to do so. I remember well the push and pull over homework with my daughter and her finally saying, “Mom, if you keep nagging me about my homework, it’s just going to make me not do it!” And that is exactly what happens when we are caught up in reactivity–we tend to get more of just what we don’t want. I learned–and so did she. I paused, considered what I really wanted, and later went back to her with, “You are right. Homework is your responsibility and you don’t need me to remind you to do it. Here’s what I’m hoping–I ‘d like to know what your plans are to accomplish your work. That will help me be better at letting go of reminding (AKA nagging) you!”

This led to us making more of a team effort that resulted in my backing off and her stepping up. I had to let go of how she did her work (certainly not the way I’D do it!) and appreciate the fact she DID it–and my backing off gave her the message that I believed she was a capable student, able to take full responsibility for her choices (key for successful adulthood).

My words alone were not enough, the action that followed (staying quiet!) spoke volumes.

And here’s the cool thing. Our words alone CAN work--when you’ve set the foundation of trust necessary for your child to believe you. Trust built from your action. Say what you mean and mean what you do. Calmly. With connection.

Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.

Consider where words alone work and consider what has led up to this success. Most likely these successes were preceded by your calm connection, respectful words, and gentle yet firm action.Reflecting on these times can empower you to move through the next “I wish my words alone would work…if they’d only listen to me…why do I have to say it over and over and over again…”…with the calm connection, clarity, and confidence your children need from you.

It takes resilience. Pausing often. Patience. A bit of creativity. Understanding of your child’s age, stage, and need. So be sure to take care of YOU along the way. Here’s something to help you along-–A Recipe for Parenting Success!

It really can make parenting easier…and definitely more joyful!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Be Careful!

August 17, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“Be careful!” slips out of our mouths often–rather like when we automatically toss out a “Good job!” And really, is it that we want our children to always be focusing on “careful” (which can get them increasingly anxious about…well…ANY thing that we tag those words onto)? Probably not what any of us intend as we toss out our “Be careful!” And totally easy to find yourself doing. Me, too.

I truly appreciate what I found on Backwoods Mama–Raising Outdoor Kids. There is such rich and important learning as we focus our attention–and therefore our child’s–on specifics for that “careful!” Just think, by *pausing* for a moment and encouraging our children to look, listen, think, feel, move, notice, we can help them grow their awareness of their actions, other’s feelings and abilities, and the world around them.

We are helping them PAUSE and consider, then make thoughtful choices.

This is essential for the self-control we so want our kids to exhibit. As we nurture their awareness as they make choices about things, we help them learn to know and control their own bodies, minds, feelings. To know–truly know–what they are capable of, what they like and don’t like, what compassion and empathy are, what is their responsibility, and more.

Most importantly, it helps our children tap into their inner thoughts and feelings–something ever so important for healthy living. And something that can get lost as we rush through our days, letting the “be careful’s” be enough.

And then the language! If you have a baby, toddler, or preschooler the time you take to ask, show, describe enriches them immensely for all of the above reasons AND in their language/comprehension development. What a difference this can make by the time your child begins school.

Today, tomorrow, and beyond, take the time to foster and deepen your child’s awareness by the words you choose as they explore their world. What a gift to you, to them, to our world.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Commercialism and Our Children

August 5, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Something I’ve yet to directly address in my work is the commercialization of childhood and the marketing directed at our children. After a lengthy conversation with Susan Linn, author of Consuming Kids and The Case for Make Believe, I feel inspired to do so.

When our children are immersed in all the commercialization directed at them, unhappiness and unhealthy development ultimately reigns. As children grow, they are more likely to experience increased anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. By the time they are teens and young adults, this can be devastating.

It really does begin with our little ones and what we choose to let them see and do on digital devices, in the stores, online, in and with any media.

Whether it is buying a meal from a fast-food chain and getting whatever toy depicting whatever character from whatever Disney or Pixar movie tucked in their take-out bag, or immersed in video games or apps on their device, a child is being sold. Sold a brand. Sold an image of who Someone Else thinks they should be. Sold ideas and beliefs and ways of life. And the truly disturbing part of all this? It is rarely, if ever, for the good of the child.

It IS for money and power. Not our child’s power, but the companies and CEOs and the tech world’s power. If it was for the child’s power, then there would be NO marketing towards our little ones. Instead, we would see complete respect for childhood by protecting and defending what healthy development is. And now we would more likely have the healthy, successful, thriving adults, communities, and world we strive for.

That healthy development? Commercialism has no place in it.

Those cute little toys that depict your child’s favorite movie? It’s supporting the marketing directed at kids–watch our amazing movie and then you’ll want to buy our stuff, and then you’ll want to watch and buy even more. Rarely, if ever, are all those cute little toys something that enhances childhood. Typically a child will play with them based on how they saw them behave in the movie or video or ad they watched. Not their own ideas, but someone else’s. This may not seem like such a big deal, and it probably isn’t when it is just now and again. Yet over time and consumption hours, it becomes a very big deal. Our child is now being robbed of the opportunity to create and imagine her OWN ideas and thoughts. To decide for herself how she wants a doll to behave or what a cape is used for. Fast forward to teen years, and it can translate to believing someone else knows better how she is to clothe her body, use her body, what to put in her body.

Those video games and fun apps? Often “persuasively designed.” What does that mean? Designed to intentionally hook and even addict your child onto something that they will now want more of–and pester you until you buy more. And more. Video games ramp up with inappropriate content. Apps are sold to “make your child smarter!”, “learn to read faster!” and whatever other “bait” used to convince you this is for your child’s good.

It rarely is.

Those video games get worse. The violence alone should be enough to say no to them, but that “persuasive design” has our kids hooked. It can be hard to say NO to a teen who has flipped out or is incredibly depressed. And it just keeps getting worse. Why are these games continued to be developed? Because we (or at least our teens and young adults) buy them. Money and power, remember?

Something that really bothers me is how all of this marketing and commercialism emphasizes focusing “out there” on needing “things” in order to BE happy, smart, to have fun, to get exercise, to come up with way cool ideas.

It can rob our children of the necessary and important opportunities to…

…think their OWN thoughts, come up with their OWN ideas, decide what they like and don’t like and want to do based on healthy experiences with the world around them.

…discover and strengthen their resilience when facing challenges–resilience that requires time to reflect and think and be bored in order to tap into feelings and how to manage them. Resilience that requires persistence and determination as a child works through a problem or challenge in their own way.

…connect authentically and meaningfully with others and the world around them. Now their connections reflect more of what a certain character did–such as Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers back in my daughter’s preschool years. Kids “played” Ninjas and Power Rangers which meant they kicked and swept their arms around and pushed and hollered. It can seem cute to us when they copy the play of something they saw on TV or did on a device. Yet play? It is meant to be an expression of themselves from the inside out. A chance to work through feelings, to express and act upon ideas, to imagine and create. To think for themselves.

With necessary and healthy time protected from the commercialism that engulfs our culture, children grow from the inside out:

~ They can feel strong and answer many of their own needs from within themselves, rather than always seeking more more more from “out there” in order to feel good. Commercialism begets reactiveness. No way to live on a regular basis.

~ They have a profound ability to imagine, pretend, create–necessary for learning all through life.

~ They manage their OWN feelings and understand them so much better. This self-regulation? It is key for living and relating well; for developing compassion and empathy; for understanding another’s perspective.

~ They learn productive ways to negotiate with a buddy, to listen to someone else’s ideas, collaborate, create, and then act upon them. This exchanging of ideas with another? This is very different from seeing a video and getting ideas from it. With a person, in real time, there is a richness, there is meaning, there is true hands-on, sensory and language rich collaboration within a relationship. Everything a child needs to grow well.

We need to push back on marketing directed at our children. We need to help our children recognize when advertising is directed at them and how wrong that can be. We need to take care in the choices we make as we move through our days–take care in the apps, games, print material, stores, videos, shows, etal that we allow our children to use, play, read, immerse themselves in. We need to be clear on what our children need the most to develop well from one age to the next. We need to protect our children from a culture immersed in commercialism and give them the time and space to BE children.

Now they are more likely to become adults who can live life

balanced, recognizing their own needs, feeling their own power, and standing strong in what is right and good as they, too, bring

children into the world.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh, the FUN!

August 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to (hopefully!) delight you as much as it did me:

Two little boys, ages Nearly Six and Three. Exploring a wooded lot in our neighborhood with their parents (hoping to buy and build). Me, walking nearby.

ZOOM come the boys, screeching to a halt in front of me.

Mr. Nearly Six: “HI!!!!!!!!”

Me: “HI!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Seethathillupthere??? WeranALLthewaytothetopandcameZOOMINGbackdown. Wannasee?”

Mr. Three: “ROAAAAAAR!” (With hands up like a fierce tiger ready to attack.)

Me: “You ran ALL the way up that hill? And FAST on down? (And to Mr. Three–WOW you can ROAR just like a tiger!)”

Mr. Three: “ROOOAAAAAARRRRRR!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Yes! WannaSee? WATCH ME!”

And off the boys sped, arms and legs pumping as they sped up up up the hill and then ZOOMED down to come, once again, screeching to a stop in front of me.

“ROAAAAARRRRRR!” went Mr. Three.

“Didyouseeus, didyouseeus?” asked Mr. Nearly Six.

Oh, YES, I did! You went ALL the way up to the top of that hill and came zooming down!

And off the boys went. I share because of how much this put a smile on my face and heart :-). Two boys, doing just what a 3 and nearly 6 ought to be doing–outside, roaring, speeding, eventually digging and marching and collecting and squishing in the mud…their eyes a-sparkling, chattering and roaring and exploring.

The parents? I so appreciated how they, too, were enjoying how their boys were playing. No “Be nice, don’t roar, say hi…” etc. Nope, they knew what Threes did. They understood Nearly Sixes. And they saw that their boys were managing their selves in just-right-ways.

They shared their intent to find a place to live that allowed their children to grow up exploring as much of the natural world as possible–sticks and mud and trees. Forts and creeks and holes to dig. Critters and plants and flowers and vegetables. Less technology. More natural world. THIS I truly appreciated and let them know the gift to their boys this intent is.

They refrained from interrupting their boys’ explorations. They erred on quiet and watching–exactly right as these two pretended, created, imagined, exerted, and experienced their parents’ confidence in their ability to manage themselves.

And manage they did. From the ROAAARRRRS of Mister Three (oh, so exactly right for a preschooler!) to the ZOOMNG of Mister Nearly Six.

Time for me to move on with my walk…

“BYE!” with huge arm waves from Mister Nearly Six.

“ROOAAAARRRR!” with claws up from Mister Three.

And off we went, our separate ways.

Enjoy your day today! I am.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

All That Button Pushing…

July 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Welcome the testing your children do.

Really! I know it sounds like just the opposite of what you feel as your child pushes your button, resists your directions, does something over and over again “just to bug you.” Yet…

Here’s the deal. When we can welcome this testing in, it becomes an opportunity for growth. And growth really is the thing to shoot for, despite the hard of it all. The testing they do is an essential part of growing strong–in themselves and in their relationships. As Hal Runkel of Screamfree Parenting says, “How we handle stress and conflict is where relationships are born.” And oh YES, most definitely their testing creates stress and conflict 🙂

Okay. So our children are supposed to test us–this is their job and it shows just how much growing and changing they are working hard at doing. What exactly does “welcome it in” look like? What exactly is OUR job?

To pass their test.

Our children NEED us to be dependable, stable, calm and confident as much as possible. When we can be–no matter how they decide to feel or behave–we have now just passed their test and shown them they can count on us to BE dependable, stable, calm and confident.

What a way to grow the trust and respect essential

for relationships to flourish. What a way to strengthen the foundation of trust that is absolutely key for all future growing.

Show them the way through all their ups and downs as the responsible to parent–the one who doesn’t NEED them to “behave” in order to feel in control and a good parent and instead can be calm and confident (acting-as-if as necessary!) as you provide them with clear expectations, choices, affirmation of feelings, and always kind and consistent follow through.

Remember–all this growth is a process that takes time, repetition, and loads of patience 🙂

Know that it is okay–and necessary–to be gently firm and decisive when your child needs it the most. To say, “Looks like it’s too hard for you to choose. I will decide for now…” and you do. Doing so with your calm and matter-of-fact self in place is what keeps it a relationship-building, respectful, learning opportunity exchange. A time for real growth.

Welcome your child’s feelings as their OWN--valid, valued and affirmed. No need to stifle:“You don’t need to cry, honey!”; no need to fix: “Here! This will stop you from crying!”; no need to avoid: “I can’t handle this!” as you disappear down the hall…). Instead, name and affirm: “I know you are disappointed, mad, sad…” And then show them what they can do with their feelings, or give them the respectful space (PAUSE!) they need to process. You’ll probably find it’ll help you do the same for yourself.

Put your attention to what you want the most–lessen your attention to the negative behavior and intentionally focus on the neutral and positive ones. As you stand there in front of a Testy Two or Teen, instead of admonishing what they just did:“No no! Dumping all the cat food on the living room floor is NOT okay!” or “How many times have I TOLD you to clean up after yourself..?!”…

…try reflecting back what just happened: “Oh! You poured all the cat food onto the living room floor.” Uh-oh! “I noticed all your dirty dishes from breakfast are still on the table…”, or let your eyes twinkle a bit as you roll up your sleeves, kneel down next to your Testy Two and say softly, “You know, all that kitty food needs to be in our kitty’s bowl so she can eat. Shall we scoop it with our hands or get a big spoon to put it in the bowl?”; or maybe that twinkle for your Testy Teen looks like this, “Hmmmm!” as you look at the dishes and then at your teen, and let your eyes sparkle a bit.

Or maybe it is about communicating clearly and calmly what it is they can expect as a result of their choice—“It’ll be my job feeding the kitty today. I can see it is just too tempting for you to dump her food out–dumping things is just so fun! Let’s go find things you can practice all your dumping with…” “You know honey, I’m always happy to put together a snack for you and I’d appreciate some help on your end with your dishes. Let me know when they are cleaned up and we can fix something tasty!”

Most importantly, let PAUSE step up for you each and every day–notice how it influences relationships, situations, feelings. PAUSE, calm yourself, think about what you want the most, and then respond based on what you really want, rather than the circumstances or emotions of the moment.

What a gift to all relationships!

Real and meaningful connection leads the way as you connect from the calm, steady, dependable place your child needs.

You’ve passed their test.

Welcome the testing your child does. There is so much learning and growth just waiting to happen. THIS is where relationships are born, strengthened, grown. You and your child are worth the hard work their job of testing creates.

And NOW? Go take care of YOUR self. Deposit into your Self-Care-Savings Account regularly–a minute here, a minute there adds up and can give you the patience, resilience, strength to carry on through all the HARD of parenting.

Here’s to you.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Tumultuous Teen Turmoil

July 13, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Door slamming. Talking back. The Last Word Battle. Tears and screaming and I Hate Yous. Sometimes right in your face…

Respectful parenting and the teen years? I have to admit, I floundered. A lot. As my eldest went through the inevitable growth phases that felt VERY TUMULTUOUS, I became as reactive as she.

Not very pretty. Certainly not very respectful. And definitely not very productive.

What worked? Pausing.

Yes, you hear about this from me all the time--because it works. Almost magically, sometimes surprising, and always helpful. Always. I learned to create that space I needed to focus first on myself to calm down a bit–and sometimes that meant heading downstairs to unload on my husband (and maybe sending HIM up, first); or sometimes turning my back and heading into the kitchen to swipe at the counter–only a brief moment, but that’s all it took to give me the second I needed to breathe. The second to PAUSE.

And what those moments REALLY allowed me to do was think about that future adult I was intending on sending off to college and into the world–and in not too many years–and what I “saw” was an amazing young woman, independent, active, smart, involved, creative, adventurous, responsible for herself, respectful of and kind to others. I also “saw” a way-cool future adult who WANTED to come back and spend time with me. To play games, cook and eat good food, go exploring, hang out and talk and talk and talk.

What a difference this made as I stepped back into the fray of all the door slamming, talking back, the battle for the last word. It meant when I stepped back in, I was better at listening. At saying, “Tell me more.” My daughter felt my calmer presence. She felt heard because I listened better. Not great, but better. I discovered a bit more ability to let go of trying to control everything and instead collaborate. My daughter was more likely willing to compromise.

We certainly both felt a bit more connected. And she definitely felt respected. For I had listened. And considered my response. She was then better able to accept my “No” (if it was still a no) with grumbles rather than door slamming. Now THAT felt much better! And all that door slamming, talking back, and battle for the last word? It dissipated…

Some ideas for YOU as you are caught up with a teen in a tumultuous stage include:

“I hear you. I need time to think about it and then I will get back to you.” And you DO get back to them. Respectful all the way around, for they feel your consideration of whatever their issue is–and that feels GOOD.

“Wow. This is really really upsetting you. Tell me more…” ‘Tell me more’ creates a PAUSE…and let’s your teen empty their bucket a bit more, creating a far more respectful space to listen.

“This homework is really stressing you out. Can you take a break from it right now?” Or maybe, “Is there something I can do to help?” or “What would help you get through all of it in time?”

“What do YOU need in order to feel better? Let me know if I can help…”

“You know, I really don’t like your tone of voice, it upsets me. I would be happy to listen to you when you can use a more respectful voice. Let me know…” Then you turn your attention elsewhere–maybe to do a bit of self-care because you are feeling upset.

“We are ALL too upset to sort this out. Let’s re-convene this afternoon and talk then…”

“Man. This really bothers you deep down, doesn’t it? It is really hard and I KNOW we can figure this out…” What a relief for a teen to hear, in the midst of turmoil, that YES, we can figure it out. Maybe we don’t know how, yet, but we will. What a comfort that can be.

Respectful ways to interact in the midst of Teen Turmoil. Now you are more likely to create (re) connection. A calm space. More likely talking together–maybe following the door slamming and angry words, but talking none-the-less. The PAUSE I encourage you to strengthen? It allows us to slow down and create this calmer space. And teens, more than ever, they need us to slow down, for now they can feel heard and respected. And when a teen feels heard and respected, it can be surprising the cooperation, compromise, positive dialogue that follows. Truly relationship-building. Truly respectful.

So no matter the age of your child, when you hit those bumpy, tumultuous, button-pushing, testing times–

PAUSE. Get calm and clear. Respond instead of react. Let go of knowing exactly what you might need to do or say and instead let PAUSE and the power of calm connection lead the way.

And remember, mistakes are opportunities for do-overs and authentic apologies. Growth is just that, growth. How else could we possibly get better and better without the practice of messing up?! PAUSE, first and foremost. Deposit into your Self-Care Account. Be clear on the qualities of that future adult you see in your minds-eye. Trust the process. And always, always look to where you notice all that IS working, going well or better, feeling right and good. Notice the bits and pieces of that way cool future adult showing up right now in your child. What we focus on grows.

If you liked this article, here’s another you might enjoy: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/24/our-response-matters/

Parenting respectfully through the years…

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

What Baby Needs to Thrive in Age of Technology

July 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

You are about to welcome in a new baby. Or maybe just have.

Congratulations!

Feeling confident and competent as a parent, deeply and wonderfully connected with your little one(s) is what we hope and strive for as we welcome children into our lives.

It can be daunting, thinking of the responsibilities we have as parents; it can be challenging as we go through periods of uncertainty and exhaustion; it can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your (and your baby’s) life.

You’ve set yourself up with a growing understanding of feeding, bathing, diapering, sleeping, care-giving in general. Time to also consider how to set up the tech environment your baby will be raised in. A bit surprising to have to think of this and incredibly essential to do so for growing the healthy, loving, deeply connected relationship you intend; crucial for supporting your little one’s optimal brain growth; critical for healthy growth and development to excel.

What do babies need to thrive?

A tuned-in, responsive care-giver, answering their needs in a timely and respectful manner, being present and focused especially during care-giving moments—feeding, diapering, assisting sleep, bathing…

What do parents strive for?

Healthy and deeply connected relationships with their little ones; feeling confident and capable throughout their parenting journey; thriving children and families. Some things to think about:

• Consider relationships in your life that you relish. What helps you feel and nurture the deep connection that define these?
• What does connection look and feel like as you relate in-person with others you feel close to?
• When have you felt best about connecting meaningfully with another?
• Consider times you’ve felt truly confident and capable; what would it be like to feel this way as you parent your little one? How can being intentional with the environment you set up support you in this?
• In what ways has technology enhanced the most meaningful relationships in your life?
• In what ways has technology detracted from connecting meaningfully with another?

What do you need to know?

Being tech aware and intentional with your use, your baby’s use and exposure, you are more likely to foster the healthy and deeply connected relationships that can have your baby thriving. Key issues include:

• How screens impact your baby’s healthy brain development—what screen use can be healthy, what is not. FaceTime with a grandparent with you there, talking and interacting can be a wonderful way to nurture connected relationships; plunking your baby by themselves in front of a device counters this healthy development. It is in the first 3 years that our brains develop the most rapidly, and it is with hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship and whole-body based experiences that this occurs. Screens displace these experiences, impeding our baby’s brain development.
• Your awareness of and respect for baby’s rhythms and your ever-growing understanding of your little one’s communications are key for answering their needs; Your responsiveness to baby’s coos, cries, smiles, gurgles, and wiggles is the essential socialization and communication foundational for healthy physical and emotional development, as well as relationships. Your timely responsiveness is key for baby to feel settled and secure and able to grow well. Distraction by and overuse of our devices while with baby undermines this.
• Providing baby with devices to be entertained or distracted by undermines her ability to self-regulate and communicate her needs; displaces crucial social emotional time with her primary caregivers (you!); interrupts the development of a healthy brain; displaces the meaningful and responsive connection with and from you that is key for your baby to grow optimally.

There are important and at times seemingly little moments to pay attention to. They can be easily missed if we are distracted by our devices. Our ability to respond appropriately and timely is key. These little moments? They become the foundation for the warm and wonderful relationship you intend to build. They become the foundation for all future learning.

How can you create a healthy tech environment that supports and fosters healthy growth and relationships?

Consider your use of devices and how they step up to enhance or detract connecting meaningfully and accurately (in regards to understanding your baby’s expression of needs). Ideas:

Put your phone down and perhaps out of sight and silenced as you feed, converse, diaper, bathe, or otherwise interact with your baby. Give them the gift of your full attention as much as you can.
Turn off background noise from devices (certain kinds of music being the exception) to better support your little one’s ability to fully focus on and appropriately explore and engage their environment; to engage YOU.
Be sure to, when needing to use a device, speak directly with your baby about what you will be doing and when they can expect your full attention once again. This communicates respect; and with your consistent follow through, you communicate trust–baby can count on what you say you mean and will do. Relationship-building.

Consider our knowledge that little to no screen time for our babies and toddlers is essential for their healthy development. Know that providing lots of free time to explore, stretch on a blanket on the floor, look at and touch objects (and you!)–all with your responsive self tuned in to when needs emerge–will support the growth of a little one able to self-regulate, feel secure and safe, able to play “on their own” for stretches of time. No need to distract with a screen. And now their brains are growing exponentially!

Consider background noise from devices and televisions—as a regular occurrence these distract and interrupt your little one’s ability to attend to their own explorations of their world; it can limit imagination and reflection time necessary for growing from the inside-out–key for self-regulating, problem solving, feeling capable and competent, for all learning! This includes those constant text pings even though your phone is tucked away.

Be intentional with how and when you use your devices so they no longer impede your baby’s development and your deepening bond with them. Be intentional with how you think forward through the early years—just what can be healthy use especially in regards to how children learn by hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.

Questions to ask yourself

What are some steps you will take today with your tech use to ensure your ability to deposit fully into your relationship with your little one?

What are some things you can do differently in your home as you consider a healthy tech environment for your little one?

How would it feel to know you are providing your child with all that they need to thrive?

Be tech intentional with your environment, your use, your baby’s exposure. Know that this can help you foster the development of a healthy brain, ready for all future learning and nurture a relationship you will cherish. Really! Now go enjoy welcoming in your new little one and feel confident you are providing her with all that she needs to thrive.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

To Rescue or not to Rescue…

July 6, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What would YOU do if…

...your newly mobile baby was seemingly stuck under the chair she just rolled and maneuvered herself under–fussing a bit and looking at you with pleading and slightly tear-filled eyes–soon to ramp up out of sheer frustration?

…your 8-year-old came home from school in tears–devastated because he wasn’t invited to his friend’s birthday party? Or allowed to play the tag game on the playground? Or was told he couldn’t sit with his buddies at the lunch table? Ouch. Friends. They can be tough at times…

…your preschooler was struggling extra hard at building with Lego to the point of throwing it or a tantrum or BEGGING you to “do it for MEEEEE”…or frustrated up the gazoo that their drawing just didn’t LOOK like the airplane they wanted and could YOU PLEASE draw it for them…? And if you don’t, then you’ll definitely have a full-blown melt-down to deal with?

...your teen was totally upset and a total mess about the totally UNFAIR grade she got on her project that she worked and worked and worked on–the teacher was so UNFAIR! AND it totally affects her final grade….

…your toddler keeps on hitting you when he doesn’t like you stopping him or saying no to him or changing his diaper or buckling him into his car seat…? Or maybe keeps on pulling all the stuff out of the cupboards that you keep telling him NO to or cleaning up and putting away to just have him dump it all again…and again…?

I’d venture to say you would step into the mode of taking charge and fixing whatever problem your child was caught up in…because, hey, that’s what we DO. We solve problems and we are really good at it. And it is our job, right?

Maybe you would…

…quickly move the chair and rescue your baby and, of course, comfort her.

…tell your 8-year-old how unkind THOSE friends are and “Let’s make new ones or that he can choose not to invite those friends to HIS birthday party or that’s okay, you and I will do something special that day or hey, I’ll join you at lunch and help you let your friends know you CAN sit with them…or I’ll talk to your teachers, so don’t worry…all will be good and you can stop feeling so devastated…”

…just draw the picture for your preschooler or sit down and build for them what they want with Lego--or at least direct them each step of the way. Better then having them freak out, right? Maybe they’ll even keep on drawing and building and you’ll get a bit more peace and quiet. Maybe.

…call or email or text your teen’s teacher and let the teacher know how hard your child worked and really, couldn’t that grade be a bit higher? Or ask what you could do for your child to get a better grade…or complain about how there really wasn’t enough time for your teen to do the job as well as she could and that’s unfair…

…try getting equally mad at your toddler or get a bit more hurried as you rush through very unpleasant diaper changes and car-seat buckling. Or maybe you’d punish them by plunking them in their crib and telling them they have to stop or they’ll have to stay put for a while. Or maybe you just end up slapping their hand (never do I recommend) or throwing up YOUR hands…ANYTHING to get them to stop. And keep the stuff in the cupboard. Talk about a power struggle…

You might. Because we like to solve the problems. It’s in our nature. Yet consider this–consider another layer as to why we solve these problems.

It makes US feel better.

Whew, our child is no longer so upset or sad. Relief! WE feel like a good parent when our child gets good grades. WE feel in control and in charge and (again) a good parent when our child behaves, listens, chooses “right” behavior. We are communicating, “I need YOU to behave so I can feel like I’m doing my job well…”

When we step in regularly to solve our child’s

problem we are often robbing them of an opportunity to grow their capable and competent selves a bit more.

What do they hear? “You need ME in order to manage your body, your feelings, to be a good student, well behaved, popular with friends, able to be happy…” “You need ME in order to be in control of your SELF.”

Probably not what any of us really intend. Because really, it just says, “I don’t think you are a capable, competent soul.”

Fast forward to sending them off into the world. If all along we’ve taken responsibility for solving all those little and then big things that seem to be problems, how will they know how to do it for themselves? How can they possibly feel capable and competent on their own if they’ve heard from us on a regular basis that they need US in order to be so?

Let’s tip the balance another way. Let’s recognize that YES there are times solving is essential. And YES, way more often we can…

PAUSE and consider how we can walk

alongside our child to help them take charge of themselves,

to feel competent and capable, to know they can work at solving their own problems and managing all their feelings.

Let’s get down next to our baby and acknowledge the STUCK and encourage them out. Then maybe nudge the chair a bit. Help them help themselves. Name how they are feeling. This is key.

Let’s affirm our 8-year-old’s intensely hurt feelings and sit with them a bit or at length. Let’s ask them what they’d like to do. Let’s brainstorm with them if they need ideas. And then BE there. For that’s what they really need–company that feels safe and secure and comforting. Now they can better manage all the upset. And yes, it takes time.

Let’s acknowledge our preschooler’s frustration with their work. Let’s ask them if they’d like to take a break (and yes, maybe insist on it and help them do so)…or if they can start with finding the Lego that looks like wing material or maybe pull out paper and markers ourselves and start doodling next to them. Partner with them rather than take over…

Let’s listen carefully to our teen. Affirm their feelings. Acknowledge the hard work we saw them do. Ask them what they would like to say to their teacher–if anything. Or what they might want to do next time to change up the result…or they even WANT to do anything other than just unload on us. Be that safe, comfortable place for them to do so.

Let’s breathe in deeply with our toddler and show them what it is they CAN do. Name their feelings. Hit pillows not people. Help with diaper changes. Give them more things to be in charge of. Set up a cupboard just for them. Include them in cleaning up as well as join in on the dumping 🙂 Honor their feelings always. Stay matter-of-fact as we move through what we have to do…

Now you are tipping the balance toward growing capable,

competent, responsible children and future adults.

Ones who can understand and manage their OWN feelings and behavior. Ones that feel empowered to take charge of the hard. Ones that know we are a resource in whatever way they need us…and that we’ll always BE there. Safe. Comfortable. Available.

Problem solving. It’s a strength–especially when it is applied to ourselves and how WE can step through things with our children that helps them gain strength in the very same skill. Solving their own problems.

Today, take care of YOUR feelings. Calm yourself ahead of time. Affirm yourself as the good parent you already are and intend to be. You don’t NEED your child to be amazingly successful, popular, happy all the time in order to feel good and confident in yourself. Know this, from the inside out.

What a gift to your child, yourself, and all your relationships.

And what HARD work.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned From A Teen

July 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Lessons learned from a teenager’s perspective:

~ Sometimes I make fun of what you say—eye-rolls, for sure. It feels like you just don’t GET me or understand ANYTHING. It helps me the most when you just roll with it and get that little twinkle in your eye that makes me feel better, even when I’m annoying you like crazy. When you tell me I’m being disrespectful and have that twinkle in your eye? It makes me feel like trying again.

~ Cleaning up the piles in my room are SO not on my to-do list. Just get over it, please! It’s my room. I mean, I get that it’s a mess… but it’s my mess and I do pick up my piles from the rest of the house for you (at least, occasionally, after rolling my eyes and huff- ing about it). I need you to let me have my room as my space to control—when you do, I learn a whole lot more about what I like and don’t like. It’ll help me be ready to take charge of my own place or dorm room once I leave home!

~ Do NOT nag me over my homework! The more you do, the less I’ll do and that really isn’t what either of us want. It just makes me feel like I have to do (or not do!) my homework for you, rather than me. Totally annoying. Maybe if I just let you know my plan for getting things done you can give me the respect of trusting that I will? Or letting me take the fall for not getting it done? Remember, my grade really isn’t a reflection of you. It belongs entirely to me.

~ I’ll blame you for many things! Just don’t take it personally. Actually, though, there are times I need to blame you so my friends don’t realize it really is me who doesn’t want to do what they want to do. When I can blame you I feel like you are standing with me, helping me stay strong.

~ Just let me VENT and please don’t share your wisdom! Really. Your best response to all my unloading is to stay quiet. At least for a bit. I need to unload and I’ll probably just roll my eyes at you if you actually try to give me advice. Knowing I can unload on you means so much to me. And I’ll probably actually listen to your words of wisdom once I’ve calmed down. Just wait for me to finish first.

~ Your anxiety over all I do is going to be stirred up a TON—from me going on adventures that seem scary to you, to waltzing out of our house dressed in THAT outfit, to hanging with the friends who make choices you’d never feel good about. What I need the most is your calm self, connecting with me by appreciating my courage, or artistic self, or sense of adventure. Then maybe I’ll listen a bit more to YOUR concerns…and it may just influence me to choose otherwise.

~ It’s such a blast having my friends over and you playing a favorite board game with us! (Just don’t embarrass me, okay? Be chill.) They like to hang at our house because you and dad obviously enjoy their company, too. But be sure to leave us alone part of the time—you are my parents, not my friend.

~ Hang on for the emotional roller-coaster ride I’ll take you on! Some days I am down and grumpy and my world is falling apart; other days you can hardly contain my energy and excitement. It helps me the most when you stay steady no matter how I’m feel- ing. I may still stomp off on those bad days or talk non-stop right on over whatever you are trying to tell me, but with you steady and calm, I feel like I can handle all my feelings so much better.

~ I DO find it scary to think I’m turning 18 and will be leaving soon. It’s exciting, too! I hope you can help me focus on how ready I am and let me make the decisions that feel right to me. It’s gotta be tough on you, too, because you’ll miss me and I know you worry about me. What helps me the most is when you let me figure things out…and then if I need you, I will ask. You’ll be there, right? Just knowing you are there for me helps me not have to ask for help so quickly. I feel ready to fly…

Teens! A tumultuous and terrific time. Let them fly!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Building Resilience in Our Children

June 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Resilience…the ability to manage and move through struggle productively. And struggles we will all have. Helping to grow children able to draw upon their inner strength and appropriate coping mechanisms is key for healthy living. Here is what I gathered together for a handout shared at a workshop with parents:

What can resilience look like?

Sticking with a frustrating experience—whether it is working through a really tough school assignment, a little one FINALLY (and with great pride) getting shoes tied on her own after focusing and fussing and trying again all morning long, or perhaps working hard at getting up the icy sledding hill no matter the backwards slide that seems to defeat the goal…

Picking yourself up again following yet another failure—such as forging ahead to study even harder as yet another school assignment came back with a poor grade; deciding to practice a dance routine endlessly after getting cut from the school talent show—because you KNOW another chance will come and you want to be ready; a baby pulling herself up, falling, bonking her head, crying, and still pulling herself up once again…

Grieving successfully—experiencing loss via a death, change of any sort, or separation (even from those special stuffed animals that need to, at times, get washed) can cause feelings of grief. By giving all feelings a chance to be expressed, to feel supported and safe in the midst of all the big feelings, to have resources to turn to—and to turn to them—is key for moving through any loss.

Coping with any stress in healthy ways—whether it is actively breathing through another morning rushed for time and actually staying calm despite everyone else falling apart; a child being allowed to feel mad and sad about the big move to a new town, house, and/or school—and given ways to share his feelings in productive ways; or perhaps your child bursting with energy following a long day at school—and given the opportunity to burst! Followed by a good snack…and maybe some down time… 🙂

What do our children need to be resilient?

~ To feel strong from within themselves and the awareness they can “turn within” to draw upon this strength

~ Close, connected, caring relationships with their adults–trust is built upon these and trust is key.

~ To feel in control of themselves—managing feelings, feeling capable, able to problem solve, can count on a trusted adult to have confidence in their abilities.

~ Ability to make healthy, productive choices in order to process stress–and having been shown what these are as their trusted adult role-models often.

~ Time to play, for children–younger ones especially–use play for processing experiences. Often non-adult directed and uninterrupted, creative and imaginative play.

What does building resilience in our child require from us?

~Being the calm, connected, consistent guide that they can count on

~ Naming and affirming feelings; showing them appropriate ways to express them

~ Respecting struggle—step back and resist fixing, rescuing, berating as your child struggles. See struggle as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than a problem to fix.

~ Giving our kids plenty of opportunity to be in charge of themselves (age appropriately) so they can learn from the inside out that they are capable, competent souls.

~ Noticing daily what is working for your child to manage struggle—in little or big ways. “You really stuck with that…I noticed how reading books in your room helped you calm yourself…You asked for help just when you needed it the most…You kept your hands to yourself! That took a lot of self-control…” What we focus on grows.

Resilience! A strength for a lifetime of wellness.

A bit more from me:

Know that all you do to respect your child’s feelings, time to play, ability to solve their own problems as you walk beside them listening and asking questions, the more they can grow their selves from the inside-out. Strength! And a solid foundation from which to navigate the ups and downs of life.

Know that the more you focus first on yourself, calming your own anxieties down, pausing in order to respond instead of react, the more you communicate to your child your confidence in their ability to move through any struggle.

Resilience. We get plenty of opportunity to roll up our sleeves and dig in deep–whether it is daily parenting stress or a pandemic. Give your child the gift of your resilience as you help them build their own.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Teaching Your Child to Read

June 15, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

I had a grandparent, who is homeschooling their grandchild, ask me recently,“How do you teach a 5-year-old how to read? We read to our child a lot, which she enjoys. Do we use flash cards? Sight words? We are currently trying to get her to sound words out.”

I appreciate that this grandfather reached out. Reading is essential for learning all through life. Academically we’ve pushed down the “achievement” of reading to ages developmentally unready for this accomplishment. Here’s what I wrote to this grandparent:

I’m glad you’ve asked this question! I think your granddaughter is blessed to have grandparents so intimately involved in her life, helping her grow and learn. And your awareness of how crucial reading is and desire to be sure she IS a reader are equally blessings for her.

Reading is a developmental process and something that has not changed despite the efforts of society pushing academics down to younger ages. The fact is that age 8 is when reading typically “comes together” for a child. 3rd grade! This, of course, means at age 8 children are able to read, comprehend what they read, are able to express what they read. The whole package. And hopefully LOVE to read. This is key!

I love that you read to your granddaughter and that she enjoys it! This is the BEST thing you can be doing–sharing and enjoying books builds the love of reading which fuels her learning to read. And there is so much more you can do to build a foundation for a successful reader…

I encourage you to immerse her in literacy–meaning lots and lots of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences around all things books, words, letters, sounds. What does this look like?

Ideas for you:

Have plenty of picture (and appropriate chapter) books available to her at all times.
Be sure to role-model reading, yourself! And talk about stories; tell stories out loud.
Make sure she has a library card and uses it–and this may be creatively done, now with Covid-19, perhaps via playing library in your own home! Together make her a Grandparent House Library Card, and have fun creating a space in your house with a selection of books and have her practice checking them out, being responsible for them, returning them. PLAY. This is key.
Have lots of writing material available for her to freely engage in. We liked to have paper of different sizes and colors, pens, pencils, markers, ink stamps, etc always available. We had fun creating a shoebox mailbox and envelopes to “exchange letters”–which always encourages them to write and tell stories! Sometimes via pictures and this is just as important as words. Asking her to tell you about her drawing is wonderful, and then encouraging her to put a caption under it is certainly okay–“Would you like to write what it is under the picture so daddy can read it when he comes?” Letting go of whether she wants to or not is equally important.
Worry less about making letters or spelling words “right.” Inventive writing is the name of the game–all about her figuring out the sounds SHE hears and translating it to paper–it is amazing what they come up with! Let her freely write write write with little to no parameters. Inside-out learning! Now her thoughts can flow without the roadblock of writing things “right.”
Engage her in cooking at the counter and together “read” labels, ingredients, recipes. “Look! Here it tells us how many eggs. I see a T…what’s the next letter look like to you? W! yes! Oh…and then there is a (you pause…she studies…) O! T-W-O…I wonder what THAT says…” Then you show her one finger, two fingers…and pretty soon she “knows” TWO! You can do this all through your day–“I see a sign with an S! Do you?” “Can you find something that starts with a BBBBB–B?” “Going on a letter hunt….” Basically–all these letters and sounds–the more they are encased in play, the more your child will learn from the inside out. Make sense? FUN! And delicious, as you cook together 🙂
Limit all things screens–this I cannot reiterate enough.
Encourage her to write letters to others and mail them. She may want to draw only a picture, AND she can always sign her name. Practice practice from a fun angle. No pressure–“Are you going to sign with ALL your letters or just some?”
Sing songs. Really! Singing is a form of story telling that delights all.
NO need for flash cards–not in terms of intentionally “teaching her.” Instead, just have them available for play. Maybe play matching games with her–have two decks and take 10 or so of same letters and play concentration (you know, flip them over so letters can’t be seen then each of you take turns turning over two to see if they match…?) Or play a game of choosing one letter, placing it on the floor and then running all over the house finding things that have that letter in their name! No need to “correct” her when she says the ball she found to put next to the letter T has a T in it. Just go with it for now. Make it a game of listening to sounds together.
Sight words–again, that’s all about what is naturally around the house and when you are out and about. Recognizing a stop sign, exit sign, her name. Naturally memorizing a book and then reading it back to you on her own–she may not know each word, AND when kids can tell you the story through memory, this is an important building block for reading.
Make books! Kids her age often LOVE to fold construction paper, fill with blank pages inside and (perhaps with a chosen theme? Like the letter B?) draw, write, create a story. Sometimes we put the books together and then just had them out and available to fill. Sometimes they liked to create their own–mixing up sizes of paper and kinds of paper has a way of triggering even more creativity! Teeny books, big books, rectangle books, circle books… 🙂

When reading becomes a chore, kids grow to dislike reading. My husband, an elementary teacher for over 30 years, has seen many kids come to his third grade class resisting all things reading because it had been “forced” or pushed early on–too early, too hard.

Every child has their own timeline for reading. My youngest put it all together at age 9–prior to that she’d come to a screeching halt when she didn’t know a word. Would NOT go beyond it. She was a perfectionist and it “got in her way.” So what did we do? We read more and more, helped her “over” those unknown words, and then she fell in love with these super silly animal books at age 9 and PRESTO, she no longer worried about words she didn’t know. She is now working on her doctorate in Chemistry and reading books and articles that sound like a foreign language to me.

My eldest daughter’s deal was stubborness and control–because her mom (me!) was trying to “get” her to read (age 6 and 7). I had to back off. So at age 7 as I read to her every day we made a deal–she reads the first sentence of each chapter, I read the rest. I totally let go of trying to “get her” to read any more than that…and PRESTO! She relaxed, trusted I’d keep the deal, and soon she was so lost in books we STILL can’t get her “out” of one!!!! Ha. Hence the 12 banker-sized boxes of academic and pleasure books stacked in our garage awaiting her first home and the book-cases she intends to fill. Reading is a passion of hers, as is learning.

I hope this helps and I hope it inspires you as you look to creative ways to immerse your granddaughter in all things literacy through a play-based lens. I know schools are saying “read by 5!” This frustrates many–kids, parents, teachers alike–since it adds pressure that then displaces or removes just what kids need the most. To love reading!

I encourage you to TRUST the developmental process as you enrich your granddaughter’s environment through a literacy and play lens.”

Have fun!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Taking Care of YOU during Hard Times

June 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Life has turned upside down. Uncertainty reigns…along with fear, anxiety, worry, frustrations, kids beginning to drive you nuts, and absolutely NO time for yourself.

It is YOU I write to today. You and taking care of you so you can move through these challenging times in the best possible way. And know that can mean anything from just keeping your head above water, to actually feeling pretty darn good. Either way, you are in the game and THAT is to be appreciated.

Self-care is pretty tough to think about when all day long is spent with everyone based at home, work trying to be accomplished, brainstorming just what you all need to be okay, no school to give you a much needed break from kids, perhaps elders in your life you are caring for or about…

And yet…it all comes down to each one of us individually. We must first take care of ourselves in order to be in a good position to care for others.

So let’s start with you right now. Let this be your PAUSE to stop, take in a few deep breaths, let them out slowly, and examine the thoughts running through your head. You get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, what you decide to DO.

“I’m going crazy!” can become “This is really, really hard and I CAN move through it.”

“My kids are driving me nuts!” can become “Man, they are bouncing off the walls. I can keep myself together even if they can’t!”

“I’m worried sick.” can become “I am clear on how to live healthfully and am confident in the steps I take.”

“There is NO way I can get any work done!” can become “I find just the right time to accomplish what I need to.”

“I just don’t know what to DO!” can become, “I become clear about what needs to happen and can feel good I’m doing my best.”

What we say to ourselves MATTERS. It directly affects how we feel and then what we do. What does this require of you? Self-care.

Every little bit you do, intentionally and just for you, becomes a deposit into what I like to call your Self-Care Savings Account. And with even a little bit you now have more patience, resilience, ability to persevere.

Some ideas for you in the midst of all this craziness:

Stand extra long in your hot shower…
Choose your favorite mug, hot drink, and make it. Drinking it can be considered a bonus deposit!
Call a friend and chat for a few minutes.
Sit down and welcome your dog or cat into your lap and stroke their wonderful fur.
Do a few yoga stretches.
Watch a funny You Tube.
Take a lap around your yard…maybe stop to enjoy spring flowers or fresh critter prints in the snow.
Gaze at a favorite art print or photo and let good memories wash over you.

Think about what you can do for just a minute or so, just for you, that would feel good. Then do it. Even in the midst of full-on craziness, there is time for this. And it is even more necessary than ever before.

Here’s to you in all our uncertainty and new-for-now reality. And here is another bit that might help: “Its OKAY”

You are enough!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Racism and Our Children

June 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

I appreciate this comic from Fowl Language that is in response to the protests that have defined our country following the unnecessary and cruel death of George Floyd. There are some very important things depicted here…:

The recognition that talking about racism is important.
The sharing of the media experience between parent and child.
The ability to put words to feelings.
And the need to talk about it despite it making someone sad or mad.

Young children need to be, to the best of their adult’s ability, protected from the intensity and the violence of recent; of any violence at any time. Think Mister Rogers. This is a time of talking about and looking for the helpers, empathizing, showing compassion. If they do get exposed, know that your ability to name and affirm their feelings, and exploring ways they might want to help are two things you can actively do. And did you know PLAY is essential for children to process feelings and experiences they don’t understand or have been greatly impacted by? Children work out so much of the HARD through play–being sure your child has time to do so is important.

And it is a perfect time while your children are young to expose them to the wonderful diversity of our world, to what fairness, acceptance, kindness are all about, and what it means to be equal. These little guys? They absorb EVERY thing you do and say. This is an essential time to be intentional with your words and actions. They are powerful and your little ones are watching and learning. Check out Embrace Race. They have wonderful resources parents can learn from and use.

Older children often do see and hear a tremendous amount of the goings on–whether you’ve shared with them directly or not. What I appreciate about this comic is the sad the child feels and the acceptance the parent shows…combined with the necessity to talk about things even if it brings hard feelings.

Talking about these difficult things requires us to PAUSE…and consider what we want our child to learn about racism, how much they are ready for, and how best to go about it. And to be aware of what helps our child be receptive to our words; when they need less or more from us.

It definitely requires honesty and gentleness that respects both your child and the topic. And our willingness to step into educating (ourselves, too), listening, reaching out to help others–this can be powerful role-modeling for children of all ages.

And it requires US to be as comfortable as possible in our child’s sadness or fear as we also talk honestly about racism. They may be sad, mad, confused–and now it is also time to help them process their big or unmanageable feelings. Always start by empathizing and affirming however they feel. Let them talk. Ask them questions to help them sort things out for themselves. Share ways people can help; brainstorm ways they’d like to help, things they’d like to do to understand racism further, to create positive change.

Children are amazing with ideas to productively move forward at times like these. We’ve seen it in responses to Covid-19. We can see it now, as well. Together you can decide what your family can do to make a stand for justice, fairness, acceptance, equality.

Racism is to be talked about. We can do this and we can be and need to be better. Share your ideas, what is working in your family as you, too, navigate the hard of our times.

Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Gentle Discipline

June 2, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Gentle discipline. Sometimes a rather confusing pair of words.

Kind, firm, clear, and affirming–guidance at its best. From this emerges truly respectful parenting and deeply connected relationships. Yet “gentle discipline” can be hard to understand…

It can be mistaken as perhaps ignoring negative behavior in the hopes of it going away, or letting kids “run the show” entirely, or just wondering what it really means when it comes to productively guiding our children. Gentle discipline isn’t about letting our children run amok. It isn’t about trying to keep our children from making mistakes, behaving poorly, testing us. It isn’t about hiding out hoping things will just get better on their own (though we all wish that at times…)

Gentle discipline is about guiding our children calmly, patiently, clearly, respectfully—answering their needs and showing them the way. It is about being direct when you say, “I won’t let you (fill in the blank).” It is about acknowledging their feelings and what they are doing, “It makes you mad…you feel frustrated when…I can see you are sad about…” It is about knowing when to listen with only an occasional, “Mmmhmmm. Tell me more…”

Gentle discipline is about respect, trust in the process growth is, lots and lots of practice, and clarity on our part for just what we want our children to learn–and then show them.

It is about matter-of-factly walking alongside them as they learn that sharp knives are for grown-ups and if they need to cut something, a butter knife is for them. And then giving them the opportunity to use a butter knife. Equally, knowing when they are ready to handle a small paring knife and give them the opportunity to do so.

It is about calmly but firmly stopping the hitting and then letting them know what they CAN hit, that using their words is far more effective, that it is time to take a break to calm down. And then giving them the opportunity to try again…including helping them find the words that may be necessary, “You’d like the next turn. Can you let your brother know?” Along with a bit of company as they have to wait, “What would you like to do while you wait?”

It is about affirming how frustrated they feel as they struggle with something, asking them questions about what they could do, letting them know clearly and decisively “I will stop you…” as needed. And following through with your words, always. All done with calm and gentle leading the way. What a way to build trust. And trust is the foundation for living well.

It is about being curious and looking for all that IS working and appreciating it out loud and often. “I noticed how gently you pet the cat. She purrrrrred with delight!” “Thank you for buckling up. You are ready to go!” “Wow. That took a lot of concentration. I noticed.” What we focus on grows, so putting our attention to what we want more of is essential.

As we do so, “discipline” takes on a whole new meaning.

Now it is about helping our children learn to manage themselves rather than us taking the responsibility for continuing

to manage them.

The more we let go of seeing ‘discipline’ as problems we have to fix, children we have to get to do things a certain way, punishment to bestow, and INSTEAD see it as the growth and learning opportunities it always is, we will discover fewer and fewer times that our children actually act out. Why?

Because they will learn to manage themselves, be able to truly count on us, and will feel understood, respected, and trusted. Our children know we are their encouragers, supporters, and guides. They trust us. They feel SAFE.

Gentle discipline requires us to PAUSE, be as clear and decisive as possible, be present and focused in the moment, and to welcome all behavior as opportunities for growth. And maybe most importantly, to take care of ourselves along the way–including giving ourselves a bit of grace as we step into really tough places and feel like we’ve blown it. You see, it is about OUR growth, as well .

It also asks for us to be curious about our child’s antics rather than judgmental. It asks us to have a sense of humor, a lightness about the antics that will definitely occur, an understanding that all learning takes time. Take time to PAUSE today, and look for the possibilities of growth, what already is working, for something you can appreciate in all the craziness. Doing so really is essential for continuing to parent well, gently, respectfully.

And the really cool thing?

As you do so, parenting can actually get easier

and your relationships stronger.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

The Gift of Our Pandemic

May 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

The Gift of (any) Pandemic…

Stay with me here, for I know it sounds rather conflicting–how can a pandemic, our shutting down of our economies, losing jobs, sheltering in place, having to wear masks and stay away from loved ones or feeling guilty if not doing so or or or be considered a gift?

There is real difficulty and pain, I know. And yet there is one prevailing result of living through this pandemic that I hope will be nurtured and grown for all of us in years to come.

Connection. Real, meaningful, warm, intentional, genuine connection.

Connection that says…

...YOU are important to me.

…I give you my full attention.

…I hear you.

….I want to spend time with you!

…I love you.

…You can lean on me; I can lean on you.

…Let me help.

…I will make time for you.

It seems to me we are all discovering what is truly at the core of being human; that connection is what we are missing, seeking, creating, relishing. It is painful–deeply painful–for those unable to connect at the end of another’s life. That seems to me to be the biggest indicator of how crucial connection is for all of us in order to live, be, die well.

We are discovering how much we WANT to connect–and our frustrations over limitations or willingness to take increased risks are indicators of just this.

We are discovering oh-so-many creative ways to BE connected! Zoom has come in handy for my family 🙂 . Outdoor time via walks, hikes, games that keep you appropriately distanced are being enjoyed by many (try badminton! Or a water-balloon *fight* or hopscotch!) Meals and even cooking together via a screen. Letters written, stories shared, fun and necessary deliveries made on doorsteps.

We are, I hope, discovering how connection via a screen answers a certain level of connection AND is a reminder of it’s limitations for connecting at the necessary deeper level. And it is this deeper level that is crucial for all of us to BE well–mentally, emotionally, and physically. The gift of our pandemic is embracing, nurturing, and enriching all of our connections.

Today, look to this gift. Seek out and create connection in any way you can. Be intentional. Look for and help in any way you can those who feel too isolated, who are suffering a lack of meaningful connection. Vow to keep this intentional connection in place no matter the health of the world, for it will absolutely improve the health of our world.

Connection is healing.

With hope and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Respect Your Child’s Re-opening Journey

May 26, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

For quite some time our children have been told, because of the pandemic, it isn’t safe to go out, to be with others, to shop and play and live life as they’ve known it up until this spring. And now we are beginning to re-open–all in varying stages throughout our communities in respect to the pandemic. This re-opening can cause anxieties and fear in us, and especially in our children. Going from lock-down to out-and-about will worry many. “Am I safe? Have the germs gone? Will I get sick? What happens if…?”

This re-opening and greater freedom as we navigate all-things-pandemic will be different for each of us and for many reasons. This is why I believe it comes down to respect.

Respect for:

~ Feelings—yours and your child’s. How you calm your anxiety and feel clear and confident in whatever steps you decide to take. Be gentle with and take care of yourself, first. How you affirm and acknowledge your child’s feelings, always. Listen to their worries. Ask questions such as, “What can you do to feel better? Is there more you can tell me?” More on that can be found here.

Share your feelings, “I can feel worried, too. Sometimes I get mad about the same thing.” Show them how you take care of yourself; help them discover what works for them to feel better. Brainstorm together how to navigate this new normal we are creating. Reassure often with, “Change and new things are often unsettling at first! It takes practice—just like when you were learning to tie your shoes and you kept getting frustrated, even tripping and getting hurt when your laces came untied. Remember? You kept at it and now it’s easy for you, isn’t it? We will practice our new ideas for returning to playgroup and work in safe and healthy ways and it will get easier, too.”

~ Your child’s developmental needs/age and stage in order for them to feel safe and able to successfully navigate more freedom. Are they toddlers and preschoolers? This age needs your calm and matter-of-fact self, guiding them with a gentle firmness, routines they can count on in place. Older? They may need a willingness on your part to collaborate with them as you design your way out of lock-down and into your new normal. All ages need clear expectations and follow through from you. Role modeling is powerful—show them what you want to see them doing.

The more your child can feel in control of themselves—from hand-washing to hugging grandma to playing with friends and keep germs to themselves—the more likely anxiety/fear will subside. Steps you take to help your child be in increasing control of things you deem important will empower them and bring confidence to you. Consider playground time—if you want your child to return to playing with others and are concerned about cleanliness, helping instill a habit of washing hands often is important. Creating successes by having lots of hand washing options available, and perhaps gentle reminders initially, will eventually turn into a child doing this as a matter of habit.

Consider hugging Grandma. Perhaps Grandma is ready, but maybe your child is afraid to. Respecting this and offering alternatives is important—tickle each other’s toes? Bump elbows? Let them know, “When you are ready to give Grandma a hug, she will be ready, too.” This helps your child be and feel in control—and this, by itself, is calming.

As we respect our own feelings and grow our ability to be calm, clear, and matter-of-fact, our children can feel safe and secure. This creates the relationship-building connection that has a child able to venture successfully into newness and change.

As we respect our child’s feelings, they feel heard and supported—and this always is necessary for stepping into something new. Taking our time with our children is equally key—this respects their readiness for the new and, again, has a child more likely able to navigate it well.

As we respect our child’s abilities due to age/stage/developmental needs, we are more likely offering up opportunities that allow them to feel competent and capable—essential for navigating uncertainty. You are the expert on your child, so you know what they are capable of respecting as you move into greater freedoms. You know whether they can handle being in a park with others or would do better one-on-one with a friend. Respecting your child’s abilities will help them (and you!) put fear aside and trust moving into re-opening in healthy and safe ways.

Finally, taking care of and being gentle with yourself is important. We will find ourselves anxious periodically as we navigate re-opening together. Breathing deeply, creating a pause for yourself, even pulling back a bit and saying, “You know, this idea needs to wait for a bit…” can help you find the space to steady and calm yourself. What a gift to your child as you do so! Role modeling at its best.

Here’s to YOU. Be well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

True Confessions

May 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

True confessions…

…I’ve screamed
…I’ve spanked
…I’ve slammed doors
…I’ve cried often
…I’ve threatened things I then didn’t follow through on–and other times DID no matter the cost
…My “No NO NO” has turned to “OK OK OK,” just please stop whining, arguing, fighting (AKA driving me nuts)!
…I’ve spent entire days feeling guilty about the blow up in the morning, awaiting the return of my child from school so I can feel better…
…I’ve plunked my kids in front of the TV just to get a much needed break
…I’ve grabbed arms too roughly, slammed desired items down onto the table, been extra harsh in the hope of driving MY point home.
…I’ve struggled.

I have also…

…Apologized heart-fully
…Learned to PAUSE so I could calm down
…Intentionally hugged my bristly teens each morning no matter the level of angst in the house
…Closed doors extra firmly (well, hey, there’s got to be room for growth!)
…Stuck to my promises
…Stayed strong in my decisions
…Let my kids be mad, sad, disappointed
…Let go of making my kids see my point (okay, again, this is a work in progress!)
…Got creative in order to get the break I needed without resorting to TV-something I felt strongly about
…Intentionally ‘gentled’ myself so I could hold arms carefully, place desired things on the table respectfully, speak calmly no matter how MAD I felt.

I have grown and continue to grow. And you can and are as well.

Know you have good company on this parenting journey–your struggles are shared, understood, appreciated; your successes celebrated. Be gentle with yourself so you can be so with your children.

Tipping the balance in favor of respectful and positive relationships is essential–this is not about perfection, this is about growth. If we reach for perfection we undermine our ability to accept and grow in the moment.

Know the kind of parent you intend to be and let that drive you forward in the tough times and relish it in the successful times. Keep your sight fixed on who you want to be, on each struggle as an opportunity to learn from, each success as true strengthening of the muscles you want to grow the most.

Allow yourself to grow.

**What a gift to our children as they watch us welcome the ups and downs of our growth and watch us strive–always strive–to be better. Now they can, too.**

Make it fabulous today!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

One Role at a Time

May 12, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Recently I connected with a parent and colleague with whom I send work to for sharing with parents she works with. I have experienced a dry period with writing for all of you and I shared that with her.

Life with Covid-19 has challenged many of us in ways we never have experienced before. Working from home or not working at all, home-schooling, on-line learning, hunkered down, social distancing, masks or no masks, curbside pick up or go into stores, Zoom time with those we love but cannot see in person, separation–physical and emotional. Isolation. Close quarters. Illness. Sometimes limited food supplies and other essentials. Loss and grief on many, and sometimes surprising, levels.

Our exchange became lifting and inspiring for both of us–something so necessary now, more so than ever. Her words inspired my words; my words inspired her.I’d like to share them here:

Dear Alice,

It isn’t easy at the moment. I am taking each day as it comes, however it is a struggle to school my two children each day, look after the house and family and work. I have decided that the only way to retain any kind of composure is to only do one role at a time – and so the children get my attention all day and work squeezes into evenings…

Yesterday, we were shaken by the government announcing another 6 weeks of lockdown. It feels really tough…

I know how you feel about writing. I find that there’s no point in forcing productivity when it comes to pen and paper. And when I come out of a heavy creative period then I always need a break. I can’t imagine how you must feel after completing a book!

Thank you for the offer for me to send another situation for you to write about for Family5. I will do so soon. We are finding that in the current crisis, families are a lot more focused on just getting through each day than making bigger changes, even though to do so might help them get through the days better…

All the best,

Lucy

Her words touched me–both about her own struggles, other parents’ struggles, and my own. I was struck about the gifts, hidden beneath the struggle, our health situation has given us.. Here is what I wrote back:

Dear Lucy,

You are discovering the most important and healthy way to live–by being fully present to what you are doing and whom you are with right now: “I have decided that the only way to retain any kind of composure is to only do one role at a time.”

This is one of the gifts our unusual and difficult times gives us–a reminder to be present. What a difference it can make–truly relationship-building, and soul-strengthening.

Some people have likened bringing a book to publication to having a baby :-). It has never felt this way to me, and yet I appreciate the analogy, for in a way I feel rather saturated right now. Though it is only partially the book; more so the current reality we are living in. I am grateful to hear from you that life isn’t easy and you are giving your full focus to your family, first and foremost, and that is what you are finding families are doing, as well–not working on the bigger changes, and just trying to get through each day. This is how I feel about everything on-line–there is too much help out there! It becomes overwhelming.

You know, though, what many of us are trying to help parents recognize is that this slowing down and simplifying actually allows us to choose with intention how we want to respond–and it is in this that the present situation can evolve into those bigger changes that seemingly seem to have taken back seat. Helping others move from reacting through the day to being present, pausing, choosing with care what they do is key. Take screen time, for instance. It feels like increasing screens is the only way to make it through the day (with schools also going on-line). However…what we know for a fact is that too much is unhealthy for our children in a myriad of ways. Using this time as a way to pause and choose with care what we decide to do and rely on is essential for having success tomorrow and later.

Big breath here…this is the most I’ve written in a while! You inspire me.

I send you love and encouragement and a PAUSE. Know that your presence “one at a time” to each role you play is living a kind of a pause. Let it strengthen you, even as it tires you!

Love,

Alice

Dump Trucks, Back Hoes and REAL Learning

May 10, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

A story for you that put a smile on MY face:

Toddler, Grandfather, wagon, and All Things Construction.

I came upon them on a morning walk and paused to enjoy the wide-eyed twinkle of Mr. Toddler as he watched the dump truck go BEEP BEEP BEEP as it backed up; listened to him exclaim, “ROCK!” as a load of rock tumbled out. His JOY over All Things Construction brought me joy, as well. Contagious!

And it brought back a million memories…

…of “BACK-HOE!” being nearly the first word of my eldest. Of course, it sounded like, “BUH!” and we knew exactly what she was talking about. Usually. It sometimes referred to the dog next door, Bubba…

…of the afternoons spent with Mr. N. and Miss L., two little ones in my care, watching the new road get put in around the block from our home. The surprise and JOY when the truck drivers honked; the total absorption in the scooping and dumping and whooshing of dirt; the “Can we walk to watch the dump trucks???” plea from both on a daily basis.

...of the hours spent in the middle of our kitchen floor with a tub of sand/rice/beans (whatever!)–contained in an inflatable pool since it was winter time and there was a lack of good digging to be had OUT-side–digging, driving our toy dump trucks, “BRRRRRRRR….DUUUUUUMP” sounds coming from whichever child was totally immersed in all things construction right there in our kitchen. Oh, and how this play led to the doll getting into the middle of it then of COURSE needing a bath, so now water was included, and all the dirt/sand/rice/peas or whatever got mixed in and now it was CEMENT to build houses or maybe a house for the baby, oh, she needs a towel and now she’s hungry…

…of my own daughters knowing the difference between a side dump, belly dump, back dump truck and often correcting ME as we spotted them on our drives to and from where-ever. Not to mention how they knew the proper names of every piece of equipment and how it took work for me to keep up with them!

…of how I could use the “Shall we drive by the back hoes working or do you want to go see if the mountain of gravel has gotten any higher” suggestions as a way of expediting the leaving of a friend’s house or speed up the inevitable S-L-O-W process of dressing following a swim lesson. And it worked, more often than not. The excitement over checking in on various construction sites and all our stories and conversations as a result usually had my kids speeding up whatever process I was trying to move them through.

…of the hours spent OUT-side when it wasn’t mightily cold sitting atop whatever pile of topsoil there was, driving trucks, scooping dirt, making roads, DUUUMMMPPING, filling, BEEP BEEP BEEPing…and coming in all muddy, ready for a warm bath and more water play then something yummy for their tummies…

...of the tons of library books we checked out that was about All Things Trucks and the hours pored over each page, talking about how it was just like what we saw in our neighborhood, or if daddy was going to use a backhoe for OUR project, or if on our next drive in the car we can find workers up in a Cherry Picker, too! And “Oh! Are they picking REAL cherries?” And on and on…

…of how we never had to rely on devices to entertain our kids on our long or short car trips. Ever. Well, they weren’t a choice, either, for they didn’t exist :-). I’m grateful they weren’t, because if so, I, too, may have fallen into the “plug ’em in” mode to get some peace and quiet.

And I’d have missed and never known all the rich and wonderful conversation, ideas, stories, and made-up songs that inevitably emerged from watching out the car windows and spotting just about EVERY thing there was to see.

I’d have missed and never known how that would then spark my kids in regards to their play, or their library book choice, or the rehashing for daddy when he came home from work. And how we’d then sing again those made-up songs as we marched along each day…:-)

Here’s the wonderful thing about all of this–and just think, all of this came from spotting that little boy with his wagon today–the LEARNING that is happening.

REAL learning. Hands on, Sensory and Language Rich,

Relationship-based, Whole Body LEARNING.

The kind that grows brains in optimal ways. The kind that builds relationships. The kind that has children imagining, creating, thinking, processing, focusing–all things ESSENTIAL for school and wanting to learn even more. For being successful in school! And life. Oh yes, and life.

Today, be in the moment with your child. They are natural and eager observers. Learn from them. Watch and be delighted by what they notice and how it has them feeling, what it has them doing. The joyful twinkles in the toddler’s eyes with his wagon warmed my heart. JOY, incredulous-ness, AWE, and even a bit of caution as that dump truck BEEPED and DUMPED and all that rock went TUMBLING down.

And off he went pulling his wagon with his Grandpa alongside, happily marching through the puddles and winding around the big rocks, and soaking up his outdoor time. Grandpa, too. Quietly and respectfully.

Lovely.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Let PAUSE Empower You

May 2, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

I could tell you that we are bigger and greater than the world crisis we face and the struggles–emotional and physical–we each are immersed in.

I could tell you that if you *just* trust, all will be okay.

I could tell you, over and over again, that EVERY single challenge is filled with opportunity and gifts. That all you have to do is look to what you can appreciate, to how you want to be no matter what the world (or your kids) throw at you, to keep your site fixed on what you want the most.

I could fill this post with platitudes. Yet you’ve heard them all before. And they are tiresome.

I think, even if I feel strongly about the times we are in and the gifts and opportunities and, yes, hope that it is filled with, everything I’d say could go right on by you; or you’d roll your eyes, or perhaps even get mad. These things just don’t feel helpful in the moment.

Because perhaps you ARE struggling. Scared. Hurting and frustrated and overwhelmed and stressed.

Maybe you manage it well–keeping those upsetting feelings aside or buried so your kids or other loved ones see you as strong.

Maybe you don’t manage it well and your world is collapsing around you.

Maybe you are dealing with a profound loss–a loved one, a job, a home. School!

Maybe you just can’t think about anything other than the next moment and getting through it while still standing.

I get it. I, too, find myself struggling–emotionally, mostly. I can get caught up in the “what if’s” of loss of a loved one. Of not being able to say good bye. Of having finances crash around me. Of never hugging one of my daughters again.

And I get tired, too. Of the new protocol we’ve adopted for cleaning–groceries, mail, ourselves, you name it. Of hearing about children’s struggles with on-line learning and the loss of friends and other milestones we’ve taken for granted; parent’s struggles with maintaining sanity through it all.

Here’s what I DO know. And I truly hope this doesn’t sound like those tiresome platitudes.

I know that we ARE far greater than the challenges we face. We are. You can feel it in the seemingly infinite number of You Tube videos, letters, posts, community efforts that are filled with support, encouragement, light-heartedness…with CONNECTION.

You can feel it in the continual and persistent presence of JOY that can fill us, ever so briefly at times, as we listen to these videos, read these letters, posts, or participate or be the recipient of community efforts. Joy that perhaps is expressed through those tears streaming down your face.

You sense it via the gratitude and hope that expand within you, no matter how short-lived, as you hear of the medical providers, scientists, and other Good Samaritans–all over our world–who are risking themselves, for us. Who speak to the progress, the support, the good and kind and possibilities and solutions. Who are working hard, for us.

And you can strengthen this expansive feeling within you. You can feel this gratitude, hope, lightness, even JOY more and more because you are far greater than the challenges you face.

How?

In many ways. In oh so many ways. For me, it always comes down to PAUSE, for this is what I feel empowers. It looks in many different ways…

…prayer can be a PAUSE that empowers
…meditation can be a PAUSE that empowers
…quiet can be a PAUSE that empowers
…breathing deeply can be a PAUSE that empowers
…appreciating can be a PAUSE that empowers
…gazing at a beautiful-to-you thing can be a PAUSE that empowers
…exercise you enjoy can be a PAUSE that empowers
…being still can be a PAUSE that empowers
…being fully present to right NOW can be a PAUSE that empowers. Even if that fully present is *just* to your very upset child, the crochet project you are working on, the next thing on your list for today, the mess you are in the midst of cleaning up.

PAUSE. No matter how your pause looks or how brief it is, it can empower you. It begins as a bit of calm…and grows into something so much more powerful. So much so I wrote an entire book on it. For you and for me.

Because times of struggle? No matter how great and overwhelming and scary? They call upon us to dig down deep into ourselves and slowly recognize how we, though maybe physically alone, are emotionally and spiritually so very, very connected. When we’ve been able to find that semblance of calm within us via our PAUSE, we begin to tune ourselves into this connection.

This is why we feel those moments of gratitude swelling up within us. Or why, just as we are thinking of our dear friend, they call us. Or how lifting it can feel to help another. This is why our children seem to do better, things settle a bit more at home, we feel steadier and stronger.

Connection. It is powerful.

We are living this now–often being physically far apart, and yet, the connection we can feel with each other and, well, EVERY one is very real. And it is empowering. We can strengthen this feeling within us and all around us as we create the PAUSE that works for us.

For whatever you do to pause–even if it is only in the latest button pushing moment when you are able to calm yourself even a little bit–it will empower you just a bit more.

What we focus on grows.

Today, I send you a PAUSE that empowers. Feel the connection that we are all living. Take a moment to recognize and appreciate it. Let the presence of this connection fill you, lift you, carry you forward.

Then recognize that it begins from deep within you and is always there for you. Always. And this power you tap into as you strengthen your PAUSE will carry all of us forward in life-affirming ways, no matter what the world throws at us. This we can trust. I do.

Love and Light to each of you today.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

This IS tough. AND so are you.

April 30, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

I discovered WholeHearted School Counseling of recent. I encourage you to go check them out…Facebook link here; online store here. Check them out especially for helping your children manage any anxiety or fear…and yourself. They have a poster that I find wonderful. Below I share their statements in bold (with the slight change of replacing “but” with “AND”!) along with a bit from me. I hope it helps YOU as you navigate not only our pandemic, but life in general:

#1) This IS tough. AND so are you.

Your resilience shows in how you move through each day parenting to the best of your ability; how you navigate the chaos raising children inevitably brings. Your resilience shines when your child needs you, is sick, sad, or frustrated. It is the very resilience that can have you emerging from the other side of our pandemic, of ANY challenge no matter the size, well and whole. It IS tough AND so are you.

#2) You may not be able to control this situation AND you are always in charge of how you respond.

HOW we choose to respond to any situation directly influences and creates our experience, which then becomes our reality. THIS is key, for this is what we can control no matter the uncertainty and chaos around us. And it can be tough, for it requires us first to PAUSE…calm our selves…get clear about what it is we want…and then step back into whatever our situation is and respond based on this. So today? Start with a PAUSE.

#3) I haven’t figured this out…YET.

This is so very essential! Without the word “yet” we can feel defeated. We can feel like throwing in the towel and thinking like we’ll NEVER figure it out/get through it/come out the other side. With “yet”? An entirely different feeling comes up–POSSIBILITIES. The “YET” allows us to look around, be curious, problem solve, trust, feel empowered, ACT.

Sometimes it can sound like, as you struggle with a personal challenge, “I’ve had this problem up until now.” This, rather than, “I have this problem.” Or it can sound like, “My child has been struggling with this up until now” rather than “My child struggles with this.”

See the difference? Or rather, FEEL the difference? I hope so.

#4) This challenge is here to teach me something…

Okay, I know it can be rather simple to see struggles with our kids and personal struggles as opportunities to learn and grow, even when we wish they’d just go away. This bigger one we are all in the midst of? That gets harder, doesn’t it? And yet…what gifts and opportunities IS our current world situation–a pandemic–bringing us?

I think opportunities to:

~ Be intentional with how we connect with our loved ones–those physically with us, those isolated somewhere else. Intentional ways to connect, creative ways to connect, perhaps surprisingly fun ways to connect! And to discover how filled we can be as we remain fully present to the one we are connecting to.

~ Simplify life; OR learn to let go of stressing over the mess of life feeling more complicated as we juggle working at home, kids with us 24/7, our patience and creativity tapped at length…learning to let go is tough. And yet, the more we can, the more we find we can flow with the chaos rather than fight it. This can have us relaxing a bit more…really!

~ Find joy in the littlest things. Or at least a quick smile.

~ Strengthen our compassionate selves–perhaps first by showing ourselves compassion for all the upset we are feeling and experiencing; then reaching out to another.

~ Spread love, appreciation, gratefulness, even JOY in little and big ways. Through the smile and wave you share with a neighbor, the bears in windows (do you know of the “Going on a bear hunt” game spreading through neighborhoods?) you and your child discover on your walk outside, the groceries you leave on a sick neighbors doorstep, the funny/meaningful/positive focused video you share with the world (plenty of those going around!).

~ Turn within, grow ourselves from the inside out, strengthen our faith, trust, inner selves. Whether it is your relationship with God, the Universe, your Self. No matter. It is the opportunity to discover that strong foundation from which you grow and live. For it is there. And it makes a life-affirming difference as we pay attention to it. As my husband might say, “Go grow YOUR rock today.”

~ Fill our NOW with what lifts us–music? Art? Laughter? Hugs? Outdoor time? Prayer? Meditation? Wrestling matches with our kids? Saying NO to vacuuming and dishes and YES to playing with our kids?

What more can you add?

#5) All you need to do is take the next step, breathe, and do what feels like the next right thing to do.

YES. The power of NOW–it is all we really have, and in some ways quite simple–you *just* have to focus on the next right thing to do. Breathing deeply works wonders to calm your body and focus your thoughts…allowing you to trust the next step you take.

Really. Try it. Whether it is because you are filled with anxiety or your kids are REALLY pushing your button. It is the PAUSE that can steady you and help you step into the NEXT right thing more clearly, calmly, feeling a connection that can make the next right thing truly relationship-building. This is, quite simply, the most important thing of all. Relationships. And you can make a real difference with the NEXT right thing you choose to do.

Know that each of my books can help you with all of the above 🙂 Thank you to WholeHearted School of Counseling for inspiring me today. You, too?

Be well and thrive,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

To Cry or Not to Cry

April 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional 2 Comments

To cry or not to cry.

This really can stir up worry and anxiety for many parents of babies. Whether it is in regards to sleep or any other part of the day. And we hear different things from all different parenting styles–making it all the more concerning and confusing.

I’ve heard the range from:

“Is it okay to let my baby cry to sleep” to“Babies should never cry” to“What do I do when she cries!”

I listen to those solid in their choice of certain ways to parent–from Peaceful Parenting to Positive Parenting to Attachment Parenting to whatever other styles there are out there, and I hear passionate voices all speaking to what feels right to them–yet in reality it can be so different from parent to parent, family to family, child to child.

I am most concerned about all the parents who are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and uncertain over their choices, perhaps feeling like a bad parent as yet again, their baby cries, or yet again there’s been a rough night of lack of sleep or a day that felt like nothing you did helped your baby settle.

And I’m truly concerned about the tendency we have to declare there is only one right way to be with our baby—that my style is the right style and you are doing it all wrong. What a way to undermine our confidence, to muddy the waters, to make it more difficult to navigate what can be an overwhelming experience–to discover what truly works for us, our family, our circumstance, our baby.

Babies cry. It is a form of communication.

It alerts us to a need–perhaps companionship, feeling overwhelmed, hungry, wet, tired. And it is essential we respond–and it is in how we respond that influences just what we want to grow the most.

Consider this–what do you want most to communicate to your baby? Fast forward to preschool years, where do you want to be as their naturally volcanic feelings erupt daily? Fast forward to teen years and think about what you hope for the most–self-direction? Ability to manage the emotional upheavals inherent in teen years? Able to feel capable and in charge and strong in their selves?

It begins with your baby. They cry. Our job? To use these early and simpler experiences to grow our ability to be comfortable in their upset, to set the foundation for them to learn to be in upset and to manage it well. Find a way to move the anxiety it stirs up over, the lack of confidence over…and step into the cry gently, respectfully.

It is not about “making them stop crying”, it is instead about

learning what is making your baby tick, discovering what they need that can help them settle.

How does this look? Perhaps:

“I hear you. You are upset. What is it you need?” as you rest a hand on their body, draw in near, use a quiet and gentle voice.

“Is your diaper wet? Shall we change you?” “Are you feeling hungry? Let’s see what we can do about that.”

“You are really upset. I wonder if it is all the commotion around you that makes it hard for you. Let’s move into a quieter place and see if that helps.”

“You woke and need a little help re-settling. I’m here. Let’s see what can help you head back into sleep.”

And maybe they still cry, and you try something else. It is a process and it is meant to be respectful…and it is meant to communicate to your baby that they are heard, you are near, they can feel safe–even if upset, and that you have confidence in their growing ability to soothe themselves.

Every single baby is different and what works for one baby to soothe themselves may be quite different from another.

My two girls were entirely different–the first, mellow, rarely cried–she was the one at 7-months who woke in her crib with vomit all over, grinning from ear to ear at me. Her cries only came when she was REALLY sad or uncomfortable and it was clear what she needed. She was easy to soothe…our company and answering her need was all that was necessary.

My second? She cried her first two hours of life, wanting nothing but to cry. And her tears flowed easily and often as a baby–sometimes leaving me a bit at a loss as to just what it was she truly needed, other times being quite clear what pushed her upset button. Those unclear times? I just kept asking, watching, and respecting that she just needed to cry…talking soothingly and moving slowly seemed to really help her re-center.

As young adults? So similar to their baby selves! The eldest tends to let things roll off her back, grinning through even the tough times–until she’s had enough and the feelings pour out; the youngest shares her strong feelings about many things quite often, leaving me sometimes missing what really is pushing her upset button. Just like when they were little. And I know they both feel respected for how they move through life and how they manage their upset in ways that work for them. I like to believe it is in big part because we respected their cries from day one.

Babies cry and it is okay.

Respond gently, respectfully, let their cries help you learn

more about who they are.

And trust that how you respond can help grow the strong foundation for their future ability to manage their feelings well. You, too–for becoming a parent demands we grow ourselves–and these cries are our opportunity to get started. You no longer need to feel overwhelmed–your baby will help you discover what works, trust this.

It really is okay.

For more about babies you may like: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/11/babies-capable-and-competent-from-birth/and be sure to check out Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care http://www.janetlansbury.com for a rich library of articles to help you grow your ability to parent your little one respectfully. She is wonderful!

Alice

Author of “Parenting Inspired”

PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader

Continue…

The Simple Pleasures…

April 23, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

…the two young babies sitting on their individual parent’s laps at a public play place…and watching them catch each other’s eye and SPARKLE at each other! Their smiles and full body wiggles and total delight in discovering each other was a joy to see. Watching the two parents notice and appreciate how their young babies interacted was equally delighted in

…the Papa who “flew” his 5-month-old chasing his 4-year-old around this play place. What was noticed was the baby’s obvious joy in all things CHASE (especially after a favorite and familiar sibling…). What was appreciated was how the Papa “flew” gently, checking in with baby regularly to be sure this game was as delighted by him as it was his 4-year-old brother!

…the group of 7-9-year-olds at a campground–roaring around on their bikes, calling out to each other, “watch me watch me!” as they did wheelies over mounds of dirt and skidded around their feet as they braked…their presence to each other, their energy, their loudly contested “NO, it was only your FRONT wheel that got air!” or “Uh uh! BOTH my wheels got air!”...all enjoyed by me as I appreciated the outdoor time and freedom to just be 7, 8, and 9-years-old

…the same group of kids gathered at the end of the dock early one morning, fishing poles in hand, jostling each other, watching intently over the edge, sharing “fish” stories that seemed to get bigger and grander with each telling…

…the 8-year-old girl totally immersed in playing in a bit of sand…all by herself…digging, piling, now and again glancing up to see what other kids were doing…then back to her sand creations. Immersed, lost in her play, no one telling her what or how to do anything.

I so enjoyed and appreciated the time and space all of these children had to just be KIDS.

To play, explore, get lost in thought, delight in each other. To be self-directed and imaginative. No adults obviously in the mix. Around, yes. Aware, yes. But totally out of the way…

...giving way for just what kids need lots of–free, non-adult-directed PLAY. Even the infants were given the opportunity to respectfully and with great joy experience one another.

THIS is relationship building.

Lovely. Here’s to all of you perhaps caught up in the craziness of daily life–pause for a moment and take a look around. Notice what you can appreciate right now. And notice how it feels to do so!

If you enjoy “Noticed and Appreciated” stories, here’s another for you: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/07/noticed-and-appreciated-so-much-learning/

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Parenting is Hard. Confusing. Exhausting. CONSTANT.

April 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

You know, it’s easy for me to forget just how insane parenting can be when you have two jobs, school, activities, whining, complaining, yelling, lack of desired compliance, stubborn-ness, talking back, slamming doors, AND maybe single parenting…

Oh, the noise noise NOISE. Audible and visual. Chaos.

I was reminded of this the other night as I spoke with a group of parents coming together to grow their ability to create meaningful connections with their children. To feel stronger in their ability to be sure they are building relationships in healthy and positive ways.

As you can imagine, it was all about PAUSE and how–in a heated button pushing moment and total craziness–to create one, how it can influence positively, how it can change in sometimes teeny tiny ways and other times in tremendous ways, a situation, interaction, relationship.

It was also about how HARD this all is.

I heard about how, when 3 kids are coming at you, your head fills with HEAT and you feel ready to explode. And often do.

I heard the “I just want my child to RESPECT me and LISTEN to me–preferably the first time…because she never does!”

I heard the “NOTHING works in regards to my kid staying in bed and it drives me nuts…I am so tired of totally losing it…”

And I heard how deep each parent’s love goes and is felt as they shared what feels especially good to them. Story time with all the kids piled up on the bed together. Reading on the couch with snuggling girls. Being the lap your child crawls into to share a great big sad. Family Bed Time each morning when they first crawl in-between mom and dad with arms splayed to be sure to touch both of you and just..well…snuggle some more. Quietly. At least…for the first minute or so.

I was reminded how being totally immersed in parenting is HARD. Exhausting. Confusing. Emotional. CONSTANT.

I know this. I definitely understand it. And yes, I can be pretty far removed from it, as well. Sort of like forgetting over time the pain of child birth…? And remembering only the moment of meeting my babies for the first time…

So I apologize. I apologize if my words speak to you of possibilities that seem out of reach. I apologize if my work and words seem too far removed from YOUR reality. And I also stand by my work and words. Because you know what? I really DO remember the insanity of it all. Maybe different insanity, for we each have different experiences and realities, but insanity and chaos all the same.

And I also know, without a doubt, that there are ways to move through this chaos feeling a little less HOT. A little less overwhelmed.

More confident. More centered.

Stronger and steadier from the inside out.

It doesn’t remove the HARD. It just makes it something you can actually feel better about being in. Sometimes truly clear and confident and calm. Sometimes just a bit better and that counts and is worth focusing on. Actually, NECESSARY to focus on.

You know what else I heard?

I heard the AHA’s as the parent who feels HOT with all the noise noise noise realized that these times go so much better when she either sends everyone outdoors OR if she talks to herself and names HER mad and upset in her head. She feels a little more in control of her self. I hope she takes this and runs with it–to notice feeling a little better and let it shift how she then responds to her kids. To use “going outdoors” for herself, if not the kids. What a difference that can make.

I heard the dad who gets driven nuts endlessly by bedtime stuff say, “But it doesn’t happen when mom is gone…” Something IS working. Worth looking at. I hope he does take time to consider what is different about bedtime for him and his son when mom is gone…

I heard the mom who wants her child to just LISTEN to her realize that their last vacation, unlike all the others, actually went really smoothly…that her little girl DID listen, stay close, cooperate, have fun. She even shared how they’d belt out tunes together in the car and how mom found she really didn’t mind the mess in the back seat…I hope she considers how her feeling a bit lighter, more matter-of-fact, and able to let go of certain things spoke volumes to her little girl.

I heard the mom with the sobbing 11-year-old realize that the fact her daughter felt she COULD come and sob just with her was really a gift. One that spoke of her daughter feeling safe and secure with mom. That she trusted her and therefore could let it all hang out. Maybe now, instead of feeling like all the work she did at letting go of the annoying texts and complaints led to failure (“my daughter lost it anyway!”), she recognizes it actually led to her daughter being able to share some of her deepest feelings. Talk about relationship building.

My work? It isn’t about making all the hard, upset, big feelings, chaos disappear.

My work is about helping YOU gain at least a foothold on the steadying place within that allows you to move through the hard, upset, big feelings, and chaos feeling stronger.

Maybe only a bit, maybe in time a lot. But stronger, none the less. It is less about being oh-so-calm and way more about feeling steadier, stronger, clearer, more confident. This can lead to calm…and sometimes begins with calm…but calm can be tough to find in the craziness of life.

I learned a lot that night, because I listened, remembered, appreciated…and I hope the parents left feeling a bit of the meaningful connection with each other, with me that they came to explore and strengthen for themselves. I hope they left realizing how they were already connecting with their children in lovely, relationship building ways and had one more tool for doing more of this. This is always my intent.

To leave others feeling

supported, encouraged, even empowered to create MORE of what they truly want.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Talk Potty Training

April 12, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Let’s talk potty training.

I’ve heard a lot of angst over parents’ struggles with “training their child to use the potty.” Real concern over the increasing amount of treats and screen time rewards and none of it working–or at least, not for long. I’ve heard “I hate this stage!” “I’m going crazy!” “We never leave the house anymore–I’m afraid of all the accidents…”

I’ve never liked that word, “training.” I think it is totally mis-used and mis-leading for it puts the focus on us rather than our child. It leads us to thinking WE have to train our children to potty. When we head that direction, it becomes a mission to figure out how to make our little ones know when they need to use the potty, to actually pee or poop in the potty, and to stay dry in their “big girl or boy pants.” And really, what do we have control over? Certainly not the inner workings of our child’s body…OR their thoughts or feelings regarding it all.

I could spend time telling you my stories with my little girls–and yes, I tried hard initially to “make them use the potty.” Good intentions, of course, but as soon as I was in the mix like that, pottying became a real struggle. Not what I wanted.

I learned, over time, to step back. I learned to immerse them in all things “pottying”, talk about it matter-of-factly, and communicate my confidence in their ability to manage themselves…

Easier said than done, of course 🙂

Here’s what I encourage for parents in the midst of what can become a struggle or for those considering just how to “train” their little one…

Immerse them in Potty Culture–create an environment that is all about pottying from watching you use the toilet, to helping flush, to washing hands, to playing with a potty chair, to reading lots of books about using the toilet, to talking about it all through the day when appropriate. And probably when it isn’t appropriate, as well…funny how those dinner times can include potty talk when you have a toddler or preschooler in the house!

Describe what you see them doing as they retreat to a corner to poop in their diaper, “I can see you feel ready to poop. Let me know when you are all done and I can help get you changed.” Now they are learning a bit more about how their body feels and have the ability to be in charge of themselves. Essential for all healthy growth.

Offer them choices–“Do you want to flush my pee down the toilet all by yourself?” “Do you want to pee in your diaper or in the potty?” “Do you need to use the toilet before we head out?” “Do you want to wear a diaper or undies this morning?” Choice (and us respecting their choice) is key for growing capable, competent, confident children who know what they are and are not responsible for.

Make no big deal about whatever they choose–the greater the fanfare, the more they might do something…and the flip side is they now have a way to really push our button as they decide to do the opposite–because fanfare puts their attention on US. Keep fanfare to a very minimum by just describing what they do–“You chose to pee in the potty! Are you ready to flush it down the toilet?” “Thank you for letting me know you are done pooping. I can help you get changed.” “You chose undies today and you used the toilet every single time you needed to pee. Look–your undies are all dry! I bet that feels good on your body.”

Minimize or keep rewards out of the picture…if you decide to include them, make it (again) a matter-of-fact deal and hopefully not food or treat oriented. “When you use the potty, we can read your favorite book together.” “When you are done on the potty, you’ll be ready to head outside and swing high in the sky!” Now using the potty is way less about a reward and way more about the next step to their day…as is (if they choose to not use the potty) our ability to easily and matter-of-factly say, “We can save your favorite book for when you are ready to use the potty!” No battle, Just a clear statement of what they can expect coming from a parent relaxed about whatever decision they make.

Be calm, matter-of-fact, respectful. Trust the process and your child’s timeline. If you feel pressure, they’ll feel pressure–and I’m sure you already know what happens then. So take care of yourself. They WILL head off to college without diapers…!

Know that, as you calm yourself, you communicate your confidence in their ability to manage themselves.

As you relax and focus on a rich Potty Environment rather than focusing on making them use the potty you are giving them the chance to focus on themselves and feel in control and in charge of themselves. Just what we really do want more of–kids who take responsibility for themselves, kids who are tuned into their own bodies and feelings and can manage both.

There is much more that can be shared…especially as parents are in the midst of a struggle about pottying. Looking to where your child is successful, where they do manage themselves, what parts of the pottying process they do engage the most in (maybe just tearing TP up and dropping it in the toilet or delighting in the FLUSH!)–looking to these parts that are working can encourage you, as well. And them! For now our attention is on what we want more of, rather than getting lost on the trails of “they’ll never be out of diapers…”

Okay. My thoughts for now. I look forward to comments and questions and stories of what worked for you! And if you’d like more of my work, know that you can find a collection to inspire you in my newest book, “Parenting Through Relationship.” Find that right here.

Respectfully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Self-Care! YOU Deserve Some.

April 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

Self-care! Taking care of ourselves is essential for parenting (and living) well.

But really, where IS the time? I am most certain when you hear “You’ve got to take care of YOU” you nod your head, mmmhmmm, find yourself saying, “Sure. YOU find the babysitter, the hours, the peace and quiet and I’ll be happy to take time for me!”

It can feel like an impossible hurdle.

And then we continue on with the race through each day, wiping noses, breaking up fights, trying to get to school, work, daycare, appointments on time and maybe in one piece. We scramble for dinner, to pack lunches, pull our hair out over the lack of help from the kids, the spouse, the anybody. We somehow manage to get through the day and land in bed exhausted. To be woken up once again and probably way to early to hit the ground running.

And don’t even TRY to get a shower or use the bathroom by yourself!

Okay. So self-care seems like an impossible reach.

Here’s what I encourage.

Self-care is like a savings account. ANY thing you do, intentionally and just for you (even if it includes your kids!) that feels GOOD is a deposit. And deposits add up. All it takes is a minute–really! Just as you’ll find in more detail in my books, l encourage you to look at self-care as what you can do for YOU that only takes a minute.

Yes, ONE minute.

Think about it. If you had a minute, what could you do that would feel good to YOU?

Maybe stand (again, intentionally) in your hot shower for an extra minute. Just stand there telling yourself this is just for you. Even if the banging on the door or the whining is ramping up.

Or plunk down on the floor and really pet your dog. Fully. Both hands on his furry head massaging away.

Or my favorite–put the kettle on, open up your cupboard and choose your favorite mug, decide on the tea you really like…and if you get to actually drink the tea it is a bonus!

I know I used to, as my little ones actually got immersed in their play and didn’t–for the moment–need me, I let go of the chore I could get done and just watched them. So I still had the chore hanging over my head, but it filled me to no end to just watch.

A friend of mine likes to step outdoors. Breathe in deeply. And just gaze. 30 seconds. That’s all.

Another parent I know found just the act of sitting down and putting his feet up–even as his kids piled on top of him–felt really good. An intentional break. Even when it turned into a wrestling match

And a parent I coached discovered if she just covered her computer screen at her desk while she ate lunch she felt so much more energized to return to her computer work following her 10 minute sandwich break. Just covering her computer relaxed her. That’s all.

Today, deposit into your Self-care Savings Account.

Just one minute. That’s all. And notice how it feels. Notice, as you do this now and again, what is different for you. If you need more ideas, check out either of my books–they are full of doable ideas.

You CAN feel better. You CAN take care of you without it feeling like an impossible hurdle. And eventually those short deposits will stretch into much longer ones…eventually 🙂

Just start with a small, brief deposit. It counts. And YOU are worth it.

Here’s to you today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Rooted in Place

April 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, School and education, Screen Time and Technology Comment

From a Mama to me to you:

“Somehow it would be lovely to get the message out that we will be OK and thrive and be successful and we can do it with the resources we have at home. We don’t need screens to come in and save us.

Our job as parents right now is to take a deep breath and just give lots of love. If all we do is read books and love our children all the way up to the 17-year-olds in AP physics to those of us with little ones, we will be more than OK.

…these devices seem to say you need this to teach your children which implies an inadequacy. We want to give parents back the competency they innately do have. Screens take away parent skills and (undermine) competency of being present.” (Mama who is sheltering in place)

Alice’s take: Know that, even as schools and life seem to demand being on a screen in order to live well right now, this, too is a choice and in some ways a message that we need screens to come in and save us. We DO require and are grateful for our knowledge and availability of screen technology to shop, connect, be informed. Absolutely. I am looking forward to my cribbage game tonight with another family via Zoom!

I also question the need we are told we have for relying on it to educate our children during this crisis. That we have to continue on with formal education because interrupting this timeline will be devastating.

The more I connect with individuals and organizations intent on supporting parents without an abundance (or even any) screen use for their children, the more I am grounded in extending to each of you the realization that YOU are enough. That experiencing life right now can be enough. That we have rich learning experiences throughout our days sheltering in place at home. And when we recognize this and use them, our children can feel our steadying presence, learn about the world around them, tap into their inner selves…

….they can feel rooted in place (literally so as we shelter in place), busy growing upward and outward BECAUSE they are rooted in place, just as seedlings do, just as these photos from the Mama I quoted sent of something she is doing with her children. Rich learning that taps into an abundance of growth.

It includes the science, math, language, inner awareness, creativity, hands-on, relationship based learning that has our children thriving. This Mama? She hopes the metaphor also impacts her children in affirming ways–that they, too, are quite literally rooted in place in their small apartment AND growing up and out…just as they should.

And that can be enough right now. For a long time, actually.

It requires us to remember and tap into and grow our own capable and competent selves that we innately are. It requires us to let go of formal timelines and recognize the bigger picture of life right now. Who do we want our children to grow into? What are we choosing to do right now that best supports our vision for them? How can you feel YOU are enough? For you are. Try planting some seeds today. Use a glass jar and let your child observe as the roots spread downward and the growth spreads up and out. So much learning! And know that this can be enough.

Sending you love and encouragement each day,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Love Can Hold Many Feelings

March 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Mister Rogers always has the right things to say. “It’s knowing that love can hold many feelings…”

YES. Our life’s current disruption, Covid-19, has fear, anxiety, sadness laced through-out. And all these feelings are necessary and important. The more we can give our feelings and our children’s feelings the calm, accepting, gentle attention they deserve, the more our children (and us) can feel secure in the love that allows them to process, grow, feel safe in all the topsy turvy of life.

We can get busy trying to keep our children from feeling afraid or sad. We can get busy trying to fill their days, distract them, move them along to “happy”…and so often we do so because we love them and it will help US feel better.

And yet, it can be such a disservice, for those less-than-wonderful and very real feelings get buried. And when feelings get buried they tend to nibble away at us from the inside out and reappear in stronger, more detrimental ways.

So today, honor all your child’s (and your) feelings. Name the feelings, affirm them. Give them a space of grace–maybe within your arms? Maybe with you sitting alongside? Maybe just a safe, quiet place in which to melt down? Know that with your quiet self alongside allowing feelings to be felt your child can better able manage them.

And from there, play can be encouraged (a key way for a child to process upsetting things), books can be read, eyes can be twinkled, hugs can be shared, a renewed sense of purpose can be had as you both take action in whatever way leaves you feeling stronger, more settled, purposeful.

Then fear subsides. Sadness moves toward contentment. Anxiety quiets.

Love can hold many feelings.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Talking About Covid-19 With Children

March 16, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships Comment

Because talking to our kids about Covid-19 is necessary as well as concerning, I’m sharing here a bit about different ages and the kinds of things I believe they are ready to hear…being open and honest about how life has changed for now is important, as well as being respectful of the developmental level of our child.

First, we need to calm ourselves down—how we feel directly impacts our children. It is okay to tell a child of any age that you are feeling worried about illness AND are making choices to be sure your family is healthy. They need to hear that they will be okay. So be sure to take care of YOU in any way you can . Need help with that? Ask me. I’ve got lots of self-care ideas for you.

Babies and Toddlers? Little to nothing about the virus for these guys! It is more important to keep routines in place as much as possible—from sleep to meals to play. This helps them feel safe despite all the changes around them. A toddler can hear and practice that we wash our hands and catch our coughs in our elbows—all to be healthy and strong. Telling them, “We are playing at home for now. Daycare is closed and will open again when they are ready” is enough. Toddlers go with OUR flow—so role modeling healthy practices and being light-hearted about things keeps them doing and being the same.

Preschoolers? They need to hear from you that, yes, there’s lots of people getting sick AND we are working hard at being healthy. School closed until everyone feels better; we stay home while our office is cleaned; we will call and write Grammie instead of visit her. We want to keep our germs to ourselves! Showing them healthy practices and making it fun can turn this into a positive experience. Think washing hands in a sink full of bubbles! Remember, play is important for them to process feelings, so bring out that toy doctor kit and play away!

Elementary kids? They need to know that YES there is a new-to-us virus and we need time to build up our immunities, something our bodies do quite well at. Closing schools and other facilities helps keep us from all getting the virus at the same time which helps our doctors be able to take care of us if we need help.

Older elementary kids are ready to know more—what pandemic means, what scientists and doctors are doing, how restrictions can help all of us as tough as they are. Brainstorming with the elementary age group for how to have fun while also living the healthy practices being asked of us can bring children and parents together in positive ways.

Teens? They are ready for more info. However, it is important for limiting constant exposure to news for them (and us!!). Hearing the concerns and panic over and over again will only feed more of it. What we focus on grows, so lets be sure to focus on solutions and health. Ask them questions such as, “What have you heard today?” “What’s worrying you about today’s news?” And listen. Welcome their worry, express yours, and share what you are grateful for and appreciating within all this chaos.

Sharing in age-appropriate ways both the challenge AND the positive action being taken, a child can feel calmer and more in control. By showing our children what they can do, including them in on ideas for the family, and stop talking constantly about sickness keeps everyone’s focus on health and positive, productive actions. This is essential.

Keeping routines in place as much as possible for the younger ages helps them feel safe and therefore calmer despite the daily challenges this is bringing. It will help you, as well, for predictability is calming…:-). Go read those usual 4 books before nap, have a regular snack after nap time, keep blankies and special stuffed guys close. It makes a positive and reassuring difference.

Preserving plenty of time for play is key—it is through play our children process feelings. Bring out the toy doctor kit, have sick stuffed animals all lined up to get medicine, tell and make-up stories or read books about being healthy, being sick, feeling upset. And if there isn’t interest in these things, respect that. Your children will let you know how much they can take in about all that is going on, trust this.

Most importantly, choose to take care of your worries and as you share with your kids, know that less is often better. Let them ask for more information—pay attention to how much they can take in at one time, pay attention to how they react. Balance what and how much you talk about this by how your child responds.

You’ve got this! Our children (and all of YOU) are resilient souls and this chaos brings us the opportunity to simplify, bring family closer, get creative, and actively love each other through it all.

Thinking of all of you,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam

So Many Ways To Play!

March 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I was so discouraged by an article in the NYTimes with a pediatrician putting a stamp of approval on way more screen time right now, as we live through our pandemic and all the restrictions, demands, chaos, CHANGE it requires.. There is SO much more we can do! Saving screen use for when you are truly at the end of your rope keeps it where it needs to stay–minimal, balanced, managed. It is clear to me PLAY needs to come to the forefront once again.

Ideas for indoor PLAY for you:

…make an obstacle course via furniture, pillows, whatever you want, and challenge your kids to it. Or rather, set your kids off to make one for YOU! Or for each other. Hand over a timer for them to see how fast they can navigate it…or how slow…or by crawling or going backwards or…

…bring that wading pool indoors–empty, of course–and then put a tub in the middle of it filled with whatever you like–water, sand, beans, dirt, snow. Add something to dig with or fill or wash and you have wonderful “messy” play contained in that wading pool.

…piles of cushions, add a few chairs, maybe a table and you have fort making material! A blanket or two, maybe a great big cardboard box or multiple small ones. So much play emerges from these! Forts are for hiding in, playing in, curling up with a pile of books within.

…pull out dress-up clothes! Remember those? Shoes, boots, hats, capes, aprons, dresses. Or maybe give them paper bags and tape and let them create their own, as our girls’ often did.

…strip your kids down (or not), let them use their tempera (washable!) paints in the bathtub. Our girls loved to stand in the tub and cover the tile and tub with all kinds of designs and colors…then all you have to do is turn on the water and presto! It all goes down the drain. Though if your kids are like mine, they’ll first fill the tub with water and watch it turn brown with all the colors mixed, languish a bit, then watch it swish down the drain. Showers follow! Oh the fun!

…make a pot of playdough and add some butter knives, cut-up straws, toy animals. Or put a selection of ingredients like baking soda, vinegar, cereal bits, flour, old seasonings and water on a tray on the table and let them mix and create.

…set up the camping tent in the middle of the room. Add a few flashlights and sleeping bags and step back. Watch the play that emerges! Maybe the next day a saucepan, spoon and snacks are added for “cooking” over a “campfire.”

…take time after kids are asleep to uniquely set up some of their toys–we used to take all their plastic animals and make them parade somewhere unusual…and when our kids discovered them the next day, it triggered so much imaginative play!

…another tub fun is shaving cream…:-)

…include your children in whatever needs to get done–cooking, cleaning, laundry. Children often willingly want to mix, sort, scrub, “play” in the soapy dish water.

…BOOKS! Read read read read read. MUSIC! Sing, dance, hop, jump, twirl. Audio books!!! Listen and delight together (or let them on their own).

…hand over pencil and paper and maybe a few envelopes and get the letter writing started. Or maybe just markers and scissors and glue. Take a shoebox and cut a slit in the top and declare it to be your mailbox–let your kids mail you wonderful little bits of things they make!

…pull out games. Board games, card games, marble games, jump-roping games, made up games.

…stuffed animals, dolls, puppets, a puppet show! Get the pretend doctor kit out (or let your kids create their own) and take care of sick stuffed guys.

…use that shoebox as the start of a play-kit–maybe make it a medical one or maybe one for creating something fun. Add glue, tape, popsicle sticks perhaps, whatever you’ve got that kids can create with. If you go medical theme, add bandaids, cotton balls, pretend medicine, whatever you can think of (or they think of). Theme up a box and let the exploration and fun unfold.

...bake, cook, create recipes. Set your kids up to make their own snacks and lunches so you don’t have to.

…Lego, blocks, puzzles, duplos, dollhouses, dolls. Face painting! We loved setting up a mirror low enough for kids, giving them facepaint, and being oh-so-surprised with what they created on themselves!

…and yes, OUTDOORS. Go outside as much as possible, even if it just in your yard or around the block. The outdoors offers endless play–from watching clouds, to following critter footprints in the snow, to splashing in puddles, swinging, climbing, playing tag, building forts, sledding, taking a walk…use a real camera, hand over a magnifying glass, ride bikes…

There are so many things to do! I hope you’ll share your ideas here, as well. Everyone needs encouragement as we find ourselves more and more sequestered at or near home. Screen-time does not have to be the default, for (as many of you know) the more we use it, the harder our job gets. So let’s focus on healthy PLAY.

And remember…take time for YOU, in little bits if that’s all you can do. Breathe deeply. Enjoy your favorite hot drink. Stand extra long in a hot shower. Pause and just watch as your child is engrossed in play.

Here’s to all of you during this crazy time!

Respectfully and with JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Rivalry! Sisters, brothers, cell phones…

March 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Sibling rivalry.

You know, the whining, fighting, crying, tugging, hitting…and how it drives us crazy, worries us, leaves us wondering if there’ll EVER be peace in the household?

I know, you are thinking I’m talking about your child’s relationship with their sister or brother and that maybe I’ll have some words of wisdom to help you with all that sibling rivalry .

What I want you to consider is this–I’m actually talking about your PHONE. Yes. Your phone. And yes, I’ll talk more about those brother and sister challenges…

Here’s the deal.

With more and more of our attention being drawn to all-things-phone–even when we THINK we are listening to our child, what our child is feeling is the competition for our attention.

Think of it this way–your phone has become your child’s rival.

And they whine. Drop to a puddle around our feet. Tell us loud and clear, “You aren’t LISTENING with your EYES!” Pick fights with others around them to get our attention. Hit. Grab. Want equal time on our phone–whether it is to figure out this rival for our attention and maybe be RID of it or discover just what it is we are so fascinated about that they decide this must be how life is to be experienced and they want to be a part of this life–hence more a part of yours.

Connection. That is what they are seeking and will look for it any way they can, productive and healthy or not 🙂 .

Sibling rivalry among children is normal. It can be healthy. It is always an opportunity for the kids involved to learn a bit more about negotiating, problem solving, collaboration, compromise. It can truly be relationship-building as we join alongside our kids to help them out with all the big and loud feelings involved. Connection can more likely be at the forefront. Big feelings are learned about and better managed. I could go on and on…

Sibling rivalry with our phones is relationship-depleting. DIS-connecting. Interrupting. It communicates, “You aren’t important enough to give my full attention to.” “My ‘life’ on my phone is what is my priority.” “THIS is how our day/life is supposed to be spent.” “I’d rather constantly put out fires around me then pause long enough to help you learn and grow so fires are unnecessary.”

Hmmmm….now there’s a thought.

When we are constantly distracted, we tend to respond to everything around us from a reactive place. We wait until it is bad enough and then we give the “fire” (aka hitting, whining, crying, fighting) the cursory bucket of water (aka STOP THAT; QUIT or you’ll be sorry; Here, watch this movie and be quiet…). Whew. All is good. For a moment. And then it all starts back up again, for our child? They haven’t really learned anything more about how to manage themselves…mostly because we just toss that “bucket of water” over whatever “fire” with the hopes of avoiding it next time around.

Not very productive. Or healthy. Or relationship building.

Back to the phone deal. Here’s what we CAN do.

Notice our use of our phones. Be sure to turn them off or at least to silent when we are engaged with our child. Recognize the need to be away from our phones so we CAN be healthier, and our discomfort in doing so. See that discomfort as the gift of awareness it is–something you can work on little bits at a time.

When you feel that tug on your arm, PAUSE. Look at your child. Let them know you see and hear them. Tell them what they can expect AS you look at them. “I need to finish my text then I can give you my full attention.” OR “I can listen to you right now. My text can wait.”

Then follow through. With ALL of you. Your eyes, your body, your hands, your lap.

Try this today. Try practicing tucking your phone away for a bit and get used to a bit of discomfort…then turn to your child and really look at them and delight in being able to communicate, “YOU matter.”

And the rivalry can diminish…disappear…and CONNECTION–honest, real, meaningful CONNECTION leads the way.

Pretty amazing what happens when our children feel connected to us. Heard. Understood. Enjoyed. Pretty amazing what happens to US when we feel that way with ourselves.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Talk Play

March 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk play. And schools. And all things essential for children to grow well and optimally, to THRIVE.

It’s increasingly discouraging and concerning that the “new norm” for schools and many parents is that our younger children–think preschool through 3rd grade–see “seat work” and screen technology as what SHOULD be what school and learning is all about.

Thank you to Creative Child for their poster

It isn’t.

And now I’ve recently learned how school districts have embraced play to be even LESS of a part of Kindergarten. Some to the extent of declaring NO play.

We’ve seen the push of inappropriate academics into lower and lower grades–inappropriate due to its demand for younger children to sit still longer, have incredible fine-motor skills as they navigate “seat work”, be exposed to screens regularly despite the American Academy of Pediatrics (and many early child development professionals, teachers, and the like) saying NO or LESS or ONLY within a rich, hands-on learning experience. To have shorter, if any, recess.

Here’s what I’m hearing about and seeing as a result of play–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body and relationship based experiences–being displaced and even removed from schools:

~ 5-year-old boys being labeled ADHD because they cannot sit still at length to do this seat work being asked of them. It is normal for 5-year-old boys (and many little girls, too) to be unable to sit at length–they need to move move move. And yet, because we are demanding they SIT and have also removed much of their natural explorations via play and outdoor time (recess, dramatic play “corners”, blocks, games…), they of course are even more noticeably wiggly, distracted, “mis”-behaving, being seen as a problem and now labeled ADHD. Among other things.

~ Parents now struggling even more with their children. Think trying to get your 5 or 6-year-old to sit even MORE once they are home to do the homework they are now coming home with. Frustrations. Anger. Reactivity. Relationship depleting. Not the way to grow children excited to go to school, to learn, to be curious, creative, able to problem solve, read, etal…

~ Stress, depression, “mis” behavior increasing through the years for our children. Without the foundation of healthy living and learning, environments that support the play and exploration they need, our kids experience more and more stress on their young minds and bodies. Not a way to build for future healthy teens and adults.

~ Children labeled “behind” and needing special help if they aren’t reading when they leave Kindergarten. THIS is an entire post to be written about. Especially the HOW to “get them to read.” We’ve somehow forgotten that the average age of putting it all together reading-wise is 8. We’ve somehow forgotten that immersing them in all things literature from reading to and with them, telling stories, discovering what sparks them, giving them the respect of time and lots and lots of exposure to all things literature is often “enough.” Not always, but often. We WANT our children to WANT to read! Worth taking time to do so…

~ Teachers leaving the profession due to the continual and often detrimental choices being made by administrations that demand more and more of what many know is undermining our children’s emotional, physical, and mental health. These very teachers are the ones needed to mentor the younger teachers coming in who have often never experienced what a healthy and appropriate learning environment is for children. What it actually LOOKS like.

~ “No play” also translates to a lack of the essential and top priority social emotional growth our young children need in order to have the healthy foundation to continue through school as avid learners. THIS is essential, the social emotional–the working through feelings, friendship challenges, growing empathy and compassion, feeling meaningfully connected to others. Without this? Talk about a cracked foundation from which all else is expected to grow in solid ways.

~ Curriculum standards that are asking all teachers throughout a district to be on the exact same page in math or science or reading as every other teacher of the same grade. To expect that they can be. What a way to see our children as a mechanistic being–put in “ABC” and you’ll get out “DEF” no matter what. But they aren’t. They are humans. Sometimes they come to school hungry, sad, having lost a pet or a parent or just had nightmares and didn’t sleep or have some incredibly important story to share…and teachers WANT to be able to spend time on these important-to-children things. To pause in teaching a certain lesson at a certain time and talk about loss. Or friendships. Or listen to a child tell a story about something they saw that they are just bursting to tell. Talk about REAL and meaningful learning. Totally relationship building. And often lost in the midst of current curriculum standards.

I could go on. I often think about how test scores are driving everything, and that this translates into increasing “seat work” and decreasing or eliminating what children need plenty of time to do in order to learn well…

PLAY. Explore. Tousle. Debate. Get messy. MOVE. Create. Imagine.

Immerse themselves into play that has them feeling inspired to then draw pictures, write, tell stories, share, converse.

WANT to wait and listen because their teacher has more to tell them about something they are sparked about.

“Do” math by building with blocks, Legos, puzzles, creating patterns, counting out all the seashells, beads, bits of anything.

WANT to spend at length working on a book THEY write with their “inventive writing” and pictures and verbal telling of them.

Actually “sit still” as they get immersed in a story being read…and danced to, acted out about, discussed, laughed over.

I think about how my daughters’ first grade teacher had SO much going on in her classroom that had the kids moving around constantly (just what they needed), with hands-on experiences, lots of talk and song and activity. THEN she’d have them sit for 10-20 minutes doing “seat work”–and they COULD, because this was all it was and following so much wonderful movement. And was followed by even more “get up and go”!

I think about Steve Jobs and Bill Gates and many others who excel at all things technology (which seems to be one of the reasons so much “academia” is being pushed down, for kids to be able to “keep up” with our new world)–coming from a childhood filled with PLAY and exploration. Not screens. Not “reading by age 5.”

I think a lot (probably too much, I know!). And I encourage each and every one of you to stand strong and clear in your conviction that your children need plenty of time to PLAY. To go to a school environment rich in hands on, language and sensory rich, relationship based experiences. To have every possible opportunity to be enriched from a developmentally appropriate curriculum offered in your schools.

Let your school board know what you think. Let your school district know what you want. Be proactive. Share with other parents. Find out what others are experiencing. Talk to your children’s teachers. Stand up for the health of your children, your families, our communities.

It is essential.

Thank you for listening,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Important Moments in the Day of a Baby

February 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a baby…

Diaper changes! Oh so many. The time we take to talk, sing, engage them in the process is so respectful–slow down and use this time to connect meaningfully with your little one. So much learning can occur with our respectful, gentle, engaged presence at the changing table. And when you have a crawler or roller on your hands who cannot stay still for even a second? Humor. Lightheartedness. Patience. Creative songs and fun things to look at. And maybe some naked time. And maybe even a bit of a wrestling match followed by, “See? We are all done! Thank you for getting your diaper on. Now we can…”

Nourishment…nursing, bottles, table food. Time for snuggles, full presence, gentle touching and language rich exchanges. And joy! Talking them through the new textures, the full tummy sensations, the burps, the variety of foods they try–language language language, ever so important.

Meal time becomes together time. And then they learn to throw, squish, poke, spit, feed the dog awaiting at the base of their high-chair. Know that this is still a valuable learning experience all about food and independence and in-charge-of-ME time. Patience! Extra wash cloths required. Sometimes extraction from high chair necessary. And eating/drinking being “all done…” Cup goes up to the counter and dog gets put outside…or allowed, like ours was, to take care of the mess left behind…

Transitions to sleep–a time to feel heard–“I’m tired! Help me settle. A time to be shown care and love and respect as they learn to shut out all the stimuli and drift off. A time to feel safe and secure and close to you, their needs fully met. A time for an understanding (and probably equally exhausted) parent tuned in to whether the cries they hear are needing immediate attention or a time to pause…listen for natural settling…and peek through a cracked door just to make sure all is well…a time to let your little one know they CAN let sleep come…

Floor time–to move freely, stretch, reach, roll, grasp, explore and examine. A time to grow their self-directed, choice driven nature. A time for us to respect by letting them explore safely, communicating our confidence in their ability to engage them selves in play. A time for us to be quietly present, able to respond and converse when our little one is ready. No need for lots of toys–babies learn best by exploring a simple environment.

Singing and conversation and dancing and reading and the outdoors. Those wonderful moments you spend fully engaged in give and take with your little one. Whether for only a moment (“You see the chickadee!”), or at length (book after book after book!), when you are tuned in to your baby’s joy and curiosity growth can be exponential.

Little moments in the life of a baby. Your full and respectful

presence at these times provides your little one with

the experiences needed to grow well.

No need to create moments–they can happen all day long through the care-giving that defines a baby’s day, through your awareness of their rhythm, through simple, slower, gentler exchanges. Patience, resilience, a light sense of humor (and a good nights sleep) can help us embrace these little moments fully.

The little moments. They are the foundation.

Another article about all things BABY you can find here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/04/to-cry-or-not-to-cry/

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Wiggles and Giggles!

February 21, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

The father and three children (ages 4 to 8) in a local ice-cream shop totally engaged with each other playing Rock, Paper, Scissors…

The giggles, the glee, the twinkles in the dad’s eyes as yet again he somehow got swallowed up by paper, cut by scissors, pounded by rocks. Another hand game followed–unfamiliar to me–that had the kids negotiating with each other, the dad learning, the entire family focused on each other. The climbing on laps, the up and down and back and forth, the JOY. Truly a delight and what wonderful deposits into all their relationships.

Dad communicated fully “You matter to me.”

And the children glowed.

The family of four in a local restaurant, a young teen and toddler. No technology on the table…

…including cell phones, tablets, you name it. Just the four of them talking, sharing food, laughing. The interactions with the toddler were a delight to watch–his teen-aged sister included him in conversation, eyes big and wide, smiling and engaging him, taking his 2-year-old input quite seriously. Mom obviously found real joy in watching two-year-old antics, listening to teen ideas and concerns…and dad? He planted himself next to his toddler absorbing all the goings on calmly and peacefully. They left the restaurant hand in hand. Lovely to see, heartwarming to watch.

The grandfather who lit up as he shared about raising his 6-year-old grand-daughter…

Despite the reasons being rather unhappy, he has embraced this as the gift and opportunity it is. I delighted in his sharing of how meaningful this is, how his patience has grown in extraordinary ways, of how deeply connected he feels. He talked about how he and his wife, once a bit at odds with parenting, feel quite the team. The LIGHT in his face and eyes, the bounce in his step as he talked about his grand-daughter’s antics, her absorption in books, the adventures they go on…all of it left me feeling what a blessed little girl to have landed in such a loving, joyful, secure, connected family. And what a gift to grand-dad, for this has brought real meaning and joy into his life–and he, and his granddaughter are thriving.

Put your attention to what you can appreciate,

to greeting everything as an opportunity, to simply

connecting with those you are with.

Notice the joy that fills you.

Look around today, find the moments that put a smile on your face, appreciate the wiggles and giggles of certain ages, the resilience and patience of a parent (or grandparent!) in the midst of chaos. Simply notice.

And then pay attention to how you feel as a result…and how this benefits those around you. I think you may like what you discover–your children certainly will. Intentionally make it an appreciative, joyful day…week…hour.

Enjoy wiggle stories? Here’s another: A Story of Boys and Their Wiggles

With appreciation for all of you,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Tumultuous Growth

February 20, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

You know how our children go through stages–periodically nice and calm and everything feels good–WE feel good and we actually feel like good parents because things seem to flow rather easily?

And then tumultuous times hit.

Things start getting more chaotic, our kids start to act up and test and be all out of sorts. We begin to tear our hair out, wondering “What happened to my child???” or maybe we are putting ourselves down, “I’m a terrible parent…I can’t do anything right.” Stress climbs, the days feel extra long and hard and confusing…

And then new growth emerges. All of a sudden our child is taller, able to crawl, suddenly puts all those words together and reads, has increased language skills, can actually DO those cartwheels and handstands, suddenly “gets” math, is sleeping through the night…

And life calms down once again.

Round and round we go through childhood working hard at keeping it together during the tumultuous times, relishing the smoother times. If you are like me, those smoother times often slipped by unnoticed initially–it almost took another round of tumultuous times for me to recognize (and relish rather belatedly) how things actually HAD calmed down.

Growth! Every single tumultuous time is all about growth.

New growth causes anxiety, discomfort, confusion–for us and for our children. What is important is to recognize how it feels to welcome these tumultuous times as the opportunity for growth and learning they are–rather than a problem to fix, something to “get through”, to make go away. And to notice, as you step into it looking for the opportunities for growth, what you do and think and feel differently. I know for me it had me more curious, looking to what might emerge as a result–keeping me focused on the possibilities rather than the problem–being more relaxed and accepting. It was still hard, but it became a positive and affirming hard.

Something I was unaware of during my children’s childhood was how adults go through the same cycles.

We get into the flow, things feel easy, we are energized and creative and productively contributing–we feel GOOD. And then, due to whatever change or event or challenge, we don’t. We get uncomfortable, uncertain, doubting ourselves, wondering what our purpose is, feeling at a loss. We can find ourselves grieving–sometimes without even knowing why. Often we get so lost in the chaos of parenting that it takes years for us to recognize our own cycles–our own quest for growth.

That is where I am right now. In the tumultuous part of my own growth cycle. As I reflect on how children do this naturally and without self-judgement, and how incredible growth always emerges as a result, I find myself becoming more relaxed, curious, looking to what gifts are going to emerge as I sit in a rather uncomfortable and confusing place. I’m unsure of what is going to unfold in front of me, I’m working hard at staying fully present, at trusting the Universe, at depositing into my self-care account. I am working hard at walking the talk that I always share with each of you–pausing, calming, gaining clarity–and letting go and trusting. Key players for parenting and living well .

I want to share this because I know many of you are experiencing the natural life transitions that occur and perhaps are working hard at making yourself feel better, do better, be what you “used” to be or figure out what you want or need or feel you should be. And I want to let you know it is okay. Reflect on how children move through their growth cycles and allow yourself to do the same–accepting, allowing, letting a PAUSE lead the way.

Allow your feelings to be without trying to make them go away or change. Just like we do for our children–give them the space to feel their feelings without judgment. Do the same for yourself. What great role modeling for your children…

Affirm yourself and keep your attention on what is feeling okay, better, calmer, whatever. Just like with our children, what we focus on grows, so focus on how you intend to feel and be.

Take care of yourself–do little things, just for you. Do big things if you can. As we do with our children when they are upset, confused, out of sorts, be gentle with yourself. Create that “safe place” to feel and be and notice what is different as a result. Simplify where you can. Just as we do with our children.

We get so caught up with trying to make the tumultuous times with our children and ourselves “go away” that we lose sight of the purpose of these times–the important growth that they are all about. Today, take some time to switch up how you look at the chaos in front of you–yours or your child’s. Consider what you might do or say or feel differently if you could welcome the chaos for the growth opportunity it is. Truly welcome. Open the door, open your arms wide, and welcome the tumultuous time in. Give it a place of honor. Act-as-if whenever necessary…

And then let curiosity step up as you look to what gifts it brings…what growth is trying to emerge. Notice what is different as a result. And if it is still hard, confusing, feeling out of sorts? That is okay–just think, the growth trying to emerge? It is a beauty. And it takes the respect of time.

Here’s to welcoming new growth!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2015 Alice Hanscam

Learning From Toddlers to Teens

February 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed…

…the busy Mama who paused in her cleaning up of the kitchen to include her 18-month-old son. “Do you want to help me wash the dishes?” And up he went on a stool, asking for the sponge, being given a few spoons to scrub. Down he climbed as he signed “all done,” and as Mama began to work on sweeping up the floor, she offered him the opportunity to be included. A few swipes of the very tall broom later and he decided the dust pan was what HIS job would be. He carefully laid it on the floor, Mama swept into it, toddler picked it up rather precariously–and toddled to the garbage to work at twisting his wrist in just the right way. Half of the contents landed back on the floor–!

But hey, sweeping and dust panning gets to be done all over again and at 18-months, THIS is what is fun and important to do. I so appreciated Mama’s ability to move slow enough that her son could be fully included, allowing him to grow his competent and capable self...so much learning going on!

…the Dad and two elementary-aged daughters on the airplane. Each time I passed they were working on origami, colored-pencils and an intricate coloring book, immersed in paper back books, and just hanging and talking with their Dad. I so appreciated how he provided them with creative, hands-on, way cool things to do, rather than “plugging them in” to a digital device (and oh yes, there are times traveling when this is just the right thing to do).

Think about what they learned–how to manage themselves during a long flight, how to get lost in their own thoughts and have that be all the “entertainment” they needed, how others shared with them about their own memories/experiences with folding origami, brainstormed ideas with them about what to do with their growing collection of folded items, checked out their collection of colored pencils…I noticed how, by being involved with hands-on and creative things, it rippled out to include others. Meaningful connections that brought joy. And helped the long plane ride pass far more quickly 🙂 .

…the college-aged babysitter who takes the time to delight in letters from a favorite 6-year-old–including the one that was sent with a bag of a favorite cookie that turned into “cookie dust” as a result. And how this college-aged babysitter has developed a relationship with her mail carrier–so when these chunky letters come with not enough postage, the mail carrier, who knows they come from a certain 6-year-old, pays the postage due and makes no fuss about it to the college-aged babysitter–just making sure she gets these ever-important letters. Especially the ones with amazing pictures drawn of all kinds of made-up monsters.

I so appreciate watching the relationship between these two grow–all because of letter writing, picture drawing, cookie sharing. The time they all take to connect and share is a joy to watch.

What have you noticed and appreciated recently? What has really put a smile on YOUR face today?

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

It’s HARD To Be Positive…

February 5, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Pause today as your buttons are pushed and the HARD gets in the way. Let go of trying to “Be positive!” It’s okay, you know, to be having one of THOSE days...or weeks…

Instead, find something you can appreciate.

Perhaps:

That you are still in-the-game despite what your kids are throwing at you. Nothing fun or positive about the resistance and ignoring and demanding that surrounds you…plenty to appreciate that you are still “in the game.” Even if you are throwing up your arms, losing your temper, or resorting to toast with peanut butter for dinner. You are still there.

The fact that your teen DOES join you at the table for dinner, even if s/he is full of eye-rolls and sarcastic responses…or no responses at all. Their physical presence counts even if their emotional presence is driving you nuts.

The persistence of your little one (a strength, really!) even if it is all about persisting with something that really isn’t okay. Like continuing to dump your potted plant’s dirt onto the floor despite your patient self stopping them and redirecting over and over again. Or NOT staying in bed and continually coming to find you when it is well past nap or bedtime. Or the back and forth grabbing and pushing as your two kids fight over who gets what–neither is really listening to the other, and both know exactly what they want. Persistence! It’s driving you crazy…

Perhaps how a friend reached out just as you felt yourself getting swallowed up by All Things Parenting. Your overwhelmed self found yourself sobbing on their shoulder…followed by feeling a sense of release, relief, and companionship. All Things Parenting will still be there, and now you have the reassurance of good company to help you through. It really does take a village to raise a parent!

Or maybe appreciate that 30 seconds you had this morning to close your eyes and breathe (and have a few sips of your coffee!) even though the rest of your day has been lost to the craziness of being everywhere for everyone and probably late…as usual. Those 30-seconds count. Think Self-Care Deposit.

Positives can be tough. Appreciations are everywhere.

Try pausing and then appreciating today as things ramp up and the last thing you can do is “Look at the positive side!” Notice what is different for you as a result…and remember, what you focus on grows 🙂

Here’s to you.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

To Praise Or Not To Praise

January 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

THIS hit home. From all the trophies and how they are labeled, to the nonchalant comment by the teen. When we praise often–whether it is the “good job” go-to we all fall into or the constant “wow, aren’t you amazing!!” for every sport, art project, grade, accomplishment no matter the size or importance–I believe we are undermining and displacing just what we really want: a self-directed, intrinsically motivated, confident, capable, successful future adult.

Our intentions are good. We want our child to feel confident, capable, and successful. Yet by praising all day through, I believe we are setting our child up for thinking:

~ They need to perform to be in our good graces.

~ Their performance is what we love about them.

~ When they DON”T get a ‘good job’ response, they’ve now failed–and we have given them no practice at how to manage the disappointment, the struggle of failure.

When we praise constantly we are teaching our children to pay attention to how WE feel and how their behavior or accomplishments affect US instead of encouraging them to turn within themselves, reflect, learn about what they like/don’t like, etc…

We get in the way of them growing from the inside out.

When we make their accomplishments such a regular big deal, we are undermining their ability to tap into strengths that are essential for adulthood—perseverance, hard work, creativeness, self-reflection, management of feelings, inner direction/motivation to name a few. And then there is this teen’s response in the comic. Nonchalant. Shrug of shoulders. No longer does the praise mean anything for it is given constantly. They begin to ignore us, or not believe us. Not what any of us intend as the “good job” or “hurray for you” or “you are a winner!” rolls off our tongue.

What to do instead?

Focus on their process and the strengths you see step up:

“You were incredibly focused all through your game–I noticed that. It certainly paid off!”

“Even though that math assignment was confusing, you stuck with it and figured it out.”

“What a race you had! Those hills looked brutal–boy, that must’ve taken some real determination to tackle them despite being exhausted.”

“It was hard work stacking all your blocks! You worked carefully and look at the tall tower you made.”

Focus on their feelings:

“It was really disappointing to lose the game. You were so excited going into it.”

“I can see how proud you are of the work you did!”

“Urgh. After all the time you put into your project it must be really discouraging to get the grade you did.” ”

It really puts a smile on your face when you button all those buttons by yourself!”

Focus on appreciation:

“Thank you for unloading the dishwasher. I appreciate your help. Now we have time to do a family game.”

“The neighborhood looks so much nicer after picking up the litter! I know the neighbors appreciate the time and effort you put in.”

“You and your team-mates were so respectful of your opponents’ loss. That is really a sign of true sportsmanship.”

“You shared your book with your sister. I can see how much she liked that. Now you both know just what The Little Engine That Could carried over the hill!”

And now you are more likely giving your child the experience she needs to grow strong and healthy.

To be able to succeed, feel confident in herself, feel capable, manage the harder feelings, celebrate respectfully the happier feelings. Now it is about them and how they feel and what they like and don’t like–truly what motivates them from within–rather than our child focusing outside themselves, on feeling responsible for making us feel like the good or proud parent.

This is the inner direction and motivation necessary for successful adulthood. This is the inner direction and self-confidence that translates down the road to less influence of negative peer pressure, the inner motivation it requires to stand strong in their conviction even when it is going against the tide of their friends, the inner direction that can have them moving through life capable, confident, taking charge of their lives.

So try pausing today. Try letting go of the automatic response to something your child does. Think twice and with care about how much praise for an accomplishment will really support the growth of the kind of adult you hope for. Be intentional with the attention you decide to give. And when real praise is deserved? Now it can be truly meaningful and appreciated, making just the kind of impact you want the most. How cool is that?

Alice
Author of Parenting Inspired

PICK ME UP NOW!

January 25, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! A story of the power of calm connection for you.

I watched a mom come into a preschool the other day–her son was crying and yelling and twisting around, reaching up for her, obviously wanting to be picked up.

Mom, quite calmly and composed (she felt comfortable in this welcoming public place of preschool), stopped, looked down at her over-the-top screaming son and said, “You are having a really hard time. I see that. I’m here and when you can use calmer words, I can pick you up.”

The screaming got louder, the physical insistence to PICK ME UP NOW quite clear. Words, no such thing. As a matter of fact, I doubt he was capable of using words right then, though I appreciated the mom’s efforts.

As Teacher neared, mom moved a bit away, intentionally creating a pause for herself, looking at some of the lovely pictures on the wall. I’m certain her “when you can use your words” was also helping create the pause she needed to be the calm presence her son needed. Son was a basket case, melted on the floor, screaming. Teacher kneels down and talks softly to the young boy–to no avail. Mom bends down once again and gently repeats, “You are really upset. When you can use your calmer words, I can pick you up.”

This, unfortunately, pushed his button further and he escalated. Somehow they managed to move, slowly and with son wrapped around mom’s leg (and mom comfortably okay with this) into the room where cool things were available to play.

This time mom knelt down next to her son, touched him gently, and waited quietly with him.

Just kept him company in all of his big feelings. He leaned into her (for really, what he really wanted was HER), content to be snuggled next to her. Mom stayed true to her word at not picking him up, and gave him exactly what he needed to move through this upset–her calm and connected self.

And he DID calm down. Soon he began watching the other kids. Mom didn’t move. Then they began talking with each other about what was out to play with. Mom still didn’t move. She waited until her son made HIS move to go explore cool things.

Calm connection. It spoke volumes.

As did her promise of picking him up when he could use his words. She gave her son her confidence in his ability to manage his big feelings. And she gave him her company–quiet, safe, available.

This is the power of calm connection, for it makes what could be truly a disaster into a relationship building experience. It allows for feelings to be sorted through. It gives the company where company is needed. It doesn’t take ownership over the other’s upset, it just gives it the space of grace necessary for moving through it well. Or well enough And it is often hard to do.

I think this mom felt it get hard, because even though she was calm and consistent with what her son could expect (using words…), he was hearing none of it. I think it is at this point we PAUSE to consider just what we are trying to do–and if it is to get them to comply, to finally LISTEN and do as we say, then we need to PAUSE again. And consider just what they need, rather than what we want.

Let go a bit of our trying to control and step in and discover just what “calm connection” and feeling “in control” can look like without compliance.

Because that is where the real growth is. And this mom did just this, after the ***hard*** of realizing not picking him up was just escalating things more. I so appreciated how she found a way to create the connection he needed the most AND stay true to her word. Kneeling down and touching her son. Gently. Taking her time. And it worked.

She wasn’t “in control” of her son–HE was gaining control of himself. Now that’s real growth.

A story for you. Maybe it resonates. Maybe you have other ways to move through these moments that feel good to you and you can share here. Just know that it is with a PAUSE in place and calm connection leading the way that the greatest gifts emerge. In time. And with hard work.

Make it great today,
Alice

Critical Needs of Young Children

January 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships Comment

Tell me, I’d like to know.

How much time in nature does your child get each day? Or–what works to bring nature to your child if outdoors is limited?

How much movement is part of your child’s day? Movement via play, walking, running, climbing, plopping, dancing, rolling, stretching, etc…?

What does connection look like to you and your child? Do you and your little one enjoy time together reading, singing, dancing, playing, talking, laughing, or even just sitting together gazing out the window?

How about touch. Is there lots of warm and respectful touching…hugs, hand holding, back rubbing, rocking, lap time, leaning against each other, heads together, a light touch as you pass by, in your arms…?

I ask because these are four CRITICAL parts to a young child’s development. Move, Touch, Connect, Nature.

With plenty of all four, they can continue on a healthy path of development. They can feel and live the essential attachment and bonding. They can feel secure, calm, strong and coordinated.

They can do the hard and important work, as they grow, of lengthy focusing, of managing their feelings and bodies, of problem solving, of navigating social demands appropriately–negotiating, friendships, feelings…of attending and learning fully, of growing their independent selves just as they need to.

With plenty of all four they have a STRONG and SOLID foundation.

So tell me. What is working in your family to be sure each one of these makes up the majority of your child’s day? And what are YOUR plans this week to deposit soundly into your child’s essential foundation in life?

You may enjoy reading these for ideas and encouragement:

Important Moments in the Day of a Baby

Important Moments in the Day of a Toddler

Important Moments in the Day of a Preschooler

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Faith in Your Self as a Parent

January 6, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I was asked recently, prior to speaking to a group of parents, if my work is faith-based.

I paused.

I’ve been asked this before. From groups, from individual parents. I consider my answer with care, for faith (or religion, as this question really is about) can both be inclusive as well as quite exclusive. And the work I do is meant to include all.

Here’s what I know. My work is about helping each of you grow your faith in yourselves. To help you each become clearer about what it is you truly want, how you understand your child, what kinds of relationships you intend to grow, and to feel more confident and certain in your self as a parent. To trust yourself. Even and most especially when you have no clear direction to take with whatever struggle you are facing.

So yes, my work is faith based because it is about strengthening you from the inside out. Strengthening your ability to trust the direction or actions you choose to take; to have faith in what unfolds as you parent from this more intentional place; to trust that your work at parenting from a strong-inside-you self will deposit soundly and wonderfully into your relationships; to know with certainty (and a bit of relief?!), as you plow through the tough times, that these, too, shall pass. Trusting that these tough times will help all involved to grow.

Think about this. Every single struggle you have with your children–from sleep issues to behavior issues to school challenges to pottying to sharing to disrespect and on–asks you to PAUSE, first and foremost. To reflect on your child’s needs. To think about what it is you really want. To consider what you can do more of or do differently. To understand just what is healthy and just what it is that is important in your family. To, most importantly, take care of your own feelings.

It requires you to begin first with yourself.

What if, no matter the challenge, YOU felt certain and confident in how you chose to act? That you confidently entered into the button pushing, sarcasm, refusal to listen, etc, feeling calm and certain that this can be evolved toward healthy and productive behavior and relationships?

Or maybe not confident, and instead TRUSTING. Trusting that the action you take will move you and your child forward in positive and healthy ways…and instead of worrying so much about just what to do, you find yourself focusing more on HOW you do it? Talk about faith in yourself. Pause, center yourself, calm down, and then step in–even without the answer. And trust that what unfolds is important, necessary, and growth oriented, even as it is still quite often hard.

This really is where faith in yourself–strength from the inside out–comes. Allowing yourself not to know just what to do and trusting that HOW you do it will take you down the right-for-you-and-your-child path. And that “how?” It comes from you pausing, calming, and then choosing just how you want to be no matter what your child is throwing at you. Pause is a muscle. Exercise it and it and you get stronger.

So yes. My work is faith based.

Faith in your ability to grow and parent respectfully,

gently, from the inside out as you focus more on yourself and less on the immediate challenge at hand.

Always start with you.

Here’s to each of you this New Year. Make a resolution to strengthen yourself this year. Slow yourself down with a PAUSE so you can really listen to your inner voice. Take your time. Relationships require the respect of time. Let a pause bring you a bit of calm and then let this calm help you trust the direction you then take. This is faith. This is the work I do for you.

I have faith in each of you as you strive to parent well.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Tidbits of Positive Discipline to Help You

January 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Positive, gentle discipline…what is it?

~ Guidance at its best—helping children grow and learn along their own developmental timeline.

~ Guiding calmly with words and actions over and over and over again. Practice! It is essential.

~ Focusing first on the positive influence you’d like to be, rather than trying to make your child behave.

~ Respectful of the processes growth and learning are; respectful of the relationship you are intending to build.

Dynamics of positive discipline…

~ Be clear with your expectations—give your child a clear framework from which to work and learn.

~ Offer choices that puts things in your child’s control as much as possible.

~ Follow through calmly and consistently with their choice.

~ Show and ask rather than direct and demand.

~ “No” is most effective when rarely used. Save your NO!

But what if they still don’t behave?!

~ Let the consequences do the “screaming” for you—let the results of their choices speak for themselves as you provide the understanding and calm presence necessary for your child to truly learn.

~ Allow space for your child to experience the result of his choice–a PAUSE on your part, often!

~ Know that your job is to influence (instead of control) your child in such a way that s/he can decide on their own to choose more productive and positive actions. This can take time…

~ Be ready to guide them through what needs to happen, with your calm, gentle connection leading the way.

What does this require of you?

~ Endless amounts of patience and stamina!

~ Humor, creativity, ability to let go, ability to PAUSE…

~ Self-care! Do something just for you often—even if just for a few minutes.

Phrases to help you along…

~ “It’s time to head in—are you going to march down our path or wade through the deep snow?”

~ “Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.”

~ “I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.”

~ “We sit on our bottoms at the table. If it is too hard for you, it means you are all done with your dinner.”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can help you.”

~ “Hitting hurts and I will stop you. We use gentle hands and our words. What is it you’d like to say?”

What you can look forward to…

~ A child who is more likely to listen, have fewer struggles, be more willing to cooperate and collaborate.

~ Respect for and from your child–-respect grown because of your calm and connected self.

~ A positive, healthier relationship with your child…something we all want.

~ A child set up to grow as a self-directed, responsible person/future adult. How cool is that?

~ A more peaceful home! At least some of the time… :-).

Be the positive, gentle influence your child needs to grow in

healthy and relationship-building ways.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Mister Rogers

December 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

I’ve seen the new Mister Rogers movie twice, now. It’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

Maybe you’ve seen it. I hope, if you have, you are reflecting on it…even as it seemed slow. Quiet. Maybe even boring to some.

I felt uncomfortable for a bit the first time I saw it–I found myself wanting more action. More explaining. More…something. Then I paused…

And realized this is exactly the gift and message Mister Rogers lived and continues to share through all who are carrying his message forward.

Listening. Waiting. Appreciating. Gentleness. Focused attention. Wonder. Presence. Acceptance and allowance for uncomfortable feelings with no need to “make them go away.”

Ultimately, meaningful connection filled with love, wonder, and acceptance. All from living a PAUSE. Taking pause deeper and allowing it to create the space for others to feel, think, experience. Even–or most especially–the uncomfortable and what feels like the unmentionable.

For when you are given the grace of accepting, caring, gentle space–you are more likely going to feel the power of this grace and allow it to propel you forward. It’s often quite difficult, this propelling forward. It can, as we see in the movie, take time. Lots of time and patience and hurt feelings.

And yet, within the gentle space given by another, it becomes doable. And absolutely, ultimately meaningful in important and necessary ways. Connection that speaks volumes and can change lives in magnificent ways. Relationship-building. Relationship enriching.

I like you just the way you are. You are a whole and wonderful being BECAUSE of all your feelings. Never broken, always whole.

We are humans. We all have a full gamut of feelings. They are worth mentioning. And what is mention-able is manageable.

Absolutely.

Tom Hanks did a superb job of spreading Mister Rogers’ gentle, caring, PRESENT, truly interested, accepting way of being out to all of us–quietly and perhaps uncomfortably as we watch this important movie.

This is what we need more of. Read here for another wonderful take on who Mister Rogers was and continues to be: https://www.theatlantic.com/…/mister-rogers-attenti…/603106/

With love and appreciation for all,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2019 Alice Hanscam

Holidays! They Can Be Tough.

December 16, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Here’s to YOU this holiday season and all the joy and angst it can bring…

Holidays can be tough for many reasons…and for children it is a combination of change of routine to over-the-top excitement that has them often quite “off kilter.” Which, of course, translates into your button being pushed…tempers flaring…tears and tantrums while all we REALLY want is to enjoy our Christmas, our Hanukkah, our Kwanzaa, our time together as a family.

Seems simple, doesn’t it? It can be. Here are some ideas for you that worked in our family for keeping holiday time more relaxed and enjoyable:

~ Simplify and slow things down. In any way you can. Lessen the number of events you commit to or leave them on the earlier side so bedtime remains consistent. Say yes to invites that allow for flexibility with what works for your family–open ended arrival and departure times, kid-friendly, food (of course! Even if you just bring your own…) Exchange fewer gifts and instead enjoy more family games and activities…snuggling up with a good story really can be enough.

Let go of trying to make so many wonderful Christmas goodies–perhaps pick a favorite or two and include your child in the making. Or not :-). Choose meals that are easier for you, ones that make delicious leftovers so the NEXT night it is just a quick re-heat.

Doing less allows you to slow down. Slowing down allows you to create that calm(er) connection your children need; to notice and attend to their needs; to b-r-e-a-t-h-e; to really be able to pick and choose from all the wonderful choices that abound during holiday time.

~ Recognize the disruption, especially for younger children, that holidays bring. Anything you can do to keep a routine in place (or even a semblance of one) will be key. Let your child know what to expect each day or even from hour to hour. Let them know they can count on the usual story times with you, the usual morning ritual, the regular walk to the park.

Give them (and YOU) a bit of grace as they collapse in a puddle of tears over what SEEMS to be minor…try to keep bedtime routines in place, even if the hour changes. And keep your word–follow through with what you say will happen or what you say you will do. Be ridiculously consistent–this speaks safety and trust to your little one, calming them down; helping them navigate in better shape the ups and downs holidays bring.

~ Exercise YOUR pause muscle continuously. Pause and take a moment to sit with your child who has melted down. Pause and remind yourself things are off kilter for your child, then let them know you understand. Pause and use your encouraging self-talk to stay calm despite the storm. Pause and *see* the joyful family time you really want and decide in the current moment what might help bring this into reality. Pause and SLOW THINGS DOWN. Know that by doing so you will more likely create the kind of family experience you are striving for.

Pause via self-care–YES. Take time regularly for you, even if for just a moment here and there. This is key for your ability to navigate the inevitable chaos of holidays with the calm connection and JOY (or at least sanity) in place.

Make a gift to yourself and pick up PAUSE. What a way to take care of YOU this holiday season. What a way to help create the family life you truly want.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Three Wise Women

December 15, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed (and found on a local church’s restroom wall):

Three Wise Women would have…

…asked for directions
…arrived on time
…helped deliver the baby
…brought practical gifts
…cleaned the stable
…made a casserole

(and cleaned up, as well!)

And there would be Peace and Joy on Earth. (Author unknown)

May this put a smile on your face this holiday season!

Joyfully,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Positive or Permissive Parenting?

December 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

It seems many parents mistake positive and peaceful (I like to call it respectful) parenting with permissive parenting. There is a significant difference.

While permissive parenting comes across as peaceful, we tend to parent this way out of our anxiety over our children being upset, over stirring the pot, over the fear of feeling out of control or having too little knowledge about child development. We tend to give in in order to avoid conflict; we give in because we just really don’t know what else to do; we give in in order to avoid the mad, sad, hurt that we just can’t seem to handle.

What does this create? More and greater conflict and challenge down the road. When a child has no clear boundaries, no firm, kind, and consistent guidance, no acknowledgment of and room for feeling ALL the feelings of being human–when they cannot count on US to keep it together enough to help THEM through the ups and downs of life–they now are more likely to feel unsafe and insecure.

They tend to act out even more, never really learning how to manage themselves well--feelings, bodies, thoughts, you name it. Come teen years this can mean relationships have eroded, behavior escalated, and things can get incredibly challenging. And scary.

What does respectful, positive parenting look like? (I hesitate to use the word “peaceful” for really, doing the hard work of parenting is often ANY thing but peaceful… 🙂 )

Some highlights:

~ Clear, reasonable, and age appropriate expectations. Here is where we are responsible for understanding child development, for willingly and actively seeking out what we need to learn in order to parent well. So many resources around for just this!

~ Calm, consistent, and timely follow through for results of our child’s choice–whether it is choosing between the purple or green sweater to wear or choosing to ignore you, hit, talk back, dump the dirt from your plant onto the freshly vacuumed carpet, yank the cat’s tail, test test test you ’til the days end. Our calm, connected leadership speaks volumes to our child.

~ Kind and respectful interactions–letting a child know what to expect, asking a child if they are ready prior to doing something to/with them (like washing their face, changing their diaper, whisking them out the door to the next round of activities…), giving them a choice over how to use their body, always naming and affirming their feelings, listening with care, letting a PAUSE lead the way first and foremost.

~ Role modeling just what you want to see more of--kindness, compassion, self-control, healthy ways to express feelings, sharing. This includes showing them how YOU take a break to cool down before continuing on with a conversation. This includes respecting their thoughts and feelings, especially if you want (eventually) for them to respect yours.

~ Guiding a child towards appropriate expression of feelings rather than coercing, threatening, nagging, avoiding. This includes stopping hurtful behavior calmly and quickly, acknowledging feelings and desires, including them in the process of what they can do, and showing them if necessary. Over and over and over again. It means letting them finish their cry. Giving them the opportunity to express their mad in productive ways. Understanding that it is their job to feel better, your job to keep them company along the way.

~ Accepting and trusting each child’s timeline for growth. It differs for each child. Respectful parenting means we understand this and support and encourage our child with respect to their abilities. Always.

Positive, respectful parenting provides a clear, respectful structure for a child to feel safe and secure. It provides an emotional and physical environment that supports the child in such a way they can test, act out, explore thoroughly, make mistakes, slowly learn how to express themselves well. It gives a child the opportunity to grow strong and well from the inside out.

What does this require of us? Knowledge of child development, willingness to keep on learning and growing, ability to feel calm, confident, and in charge (PAUSE!), extensive patience, self-care kept a priority. Does it mean we never lose it, yell, wish we could have a do-over? Nope. It means we know how to be gentle with ourselves as we forgive, apologize, care for us when we feel especially bad. Self-care–it truly is baseline for parenting well. And what a way to role model something essential for living well.

Positive, respectful parenting is something we role model, it is a way of life, it fosters just the kind of relationships many of us strive for–healthy, loving, deeply connected, respectful, joyful. It can bring ease into your family’s rhythm, it can create the foundation for making parenting easier and far more rewarding. And it takes practice–and trust in the process raising future adults is.

Positive, respectful parenting supports your child in becoming their best self; it supports you in becoming your best self.

What a gift for all!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

The Importance of Meaningful Connection

December 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:

~ The active 7-year-old in line at the grocery store with his dad intentionally engaging him in just the best ways to channel his energy. Initially it was unloading the cart together while the boy’s feet and arms and legs danced away–dad handing the less fragile items to his son to be plunked on the counter. Then it was a gentle containing of his son by ‘trapping’ him within a space dad’s arms made, whispering to his son, engaging him fully with twinkly eyes and even a few nose kisses. What could have been the demands of a frustrated dad–“Stop it! Hold still. You’re going to break something…”–was instead a positive, relationship building moment as dad used his son’s energy to create a successful experience. Their total enjoyment of each other was a joy to see.

Truly a deposit into their relationship…and the choices dad made with how to respond to his son will positively influence any future store trips made. Fabulous.

~ The Grandpa in the grocery store oh-so-gently holding his infant grandson up close and snuggly as they walked alongside the baby’s mother pushing the grocery cart, the empty car-seat mixed in the with the groceries. His obvious pleasure in holding his new grandson and his gentle nature as he spoke softly to him spoke clearly of the lovely relationship he is intending to have with his grandson.

What a way to begin building that solid foundation–gently, closely, warmly…lucky (blessed!) baby.

~ The college student willing to take a full day away from studies and friends to visit her Grandmom with increasing dementia. A long drive, a long visit, and all she expressed was the complete joy she experienced sitting alongside G’mom, sharing photos of a trip, hearing G’mom go ’round and ’round with the same stories and questions.

The student’s patience, love, and appreciation of her G’mom just the way she is is a gift for all who witnessed it.

Take time today to notice what you can appreciate…what puts a smile on your face..where quiet joy is being shared. Know this includes appreciating the difficult moments–the strengths being called upon such as the resilience of a parent with an upset child, the intentional choice to take a short break in order to care for yourself, the helpful hand from another as a parent juggles the crying baby and screaming toddler, and LOUD demands of a preschooler. Look at each situation you find yourself in, you notice others in, and appreciate. I think you will discover your experience to shift to a more affirming, uplifting one. And this energy will emanate out to others around you.

We really do have the ability to create the experiences we want.

And our children will follow suit.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Respectful Relationships Bring JOY

December 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:

~ The magic of re-connection that occurred between a young woman and her one-year-old special friend after months apart. The warmth and sparkle in the eye of the young adult as she quietly stayed close yet waited for this curious little guy to reach out to her; the way she found things to do, side-by-side with him, that engaged him–from a bowl of strawberries to exploring a book–without demanding he directly engage with her. The one-year-old’s curiosity as he studied this new-to-him person, the way he checked back to his mama to make sure all was well, and–when he was ready–the genuine reaching out of chubby little arms to his special-to-him adult, knowing without a doubt he could trust her and feel comfortable with her.

Her patience, her quiet, her willingness to engage side-by-side gave him the opportunity to decide on his own when he was ready.

What a way to deposit into a life-long relationship defined by love, warmth, and respect. What a way to bring joy to all those who watched!

~ The mom and dad at the visitor center of a national park with three children in tow–ages 5, 7, and 9. Their ability to initially engage their children in the cool things to study–bats, bugs, and all things nature–and then step back as their kids started asking questions of the ranger, showing off their bat rings, book marks, ranger badges to all of us available to ooh and ahhh.

I so appreciated how they gave their kids the space and respect to talk and share and exclaim without correction, direction, or being talked ‘for.’

The parents’ ability to listen and watch communicated such confidence to their children! The delight we got as a result of watching and engaging with them was that much more wonderful… What a way to grow capable, competent kids. What a way to encourage a future generation to be respectful and kind to our earth!

~ The mother in the grocery store with a young toddler tucked into the cart, totally engaging her little one in the process of shopping. “Let’s see…I wonder where the carrots are…” “Now we need to find our favorite cereal…” “Can you see the bread?” What a lovely way to to set the foundation for future successful store trips where she will probably enjoy an older child able to participate fully in shopping; what a lovely way to build connection between her and her daughter.

What a way to show respect–communicating “You are important, your participation is valued, I have confidence in YOU.” Totally relationship building.

Mom’s full presence to both her toddler and her list is to be appreciated, for it takes a ton of patience in the midst of a busy store. And think of all the cool things her little one was learning! What a store is about, what different things look like, how to handle tomatoes, how to twist ties on bags, what wet lettuce feels like…fabulous! I can just see all those neural pathways in her brain firing away…

Take time today to notice, appreciate, and discover joy–little or big, it all counts and expands to touch others around us. Look for the parent in the busy store who is either wonderfully engaged or stoically moving through a tantrum without (outwardly) losing it and appreciate them, quietly to yourself or out-loud to them.

Look for the sparkle between two people–better yet, create it yourself as you give another in passing a warm and genuine smile.

Notice how your child can be so incredibly focused and engaged as they concentrate on tying their shoes, building with Lego, pestering their sibling. Communicate first and foremost what is going well, what is working, what amazes you about your child, spouse, friend, co-worker, store clerk…

Decide to experience joy today–and you can. It is all around us.

With joy,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Motherhood Moments

November 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Motherhood!

Caught in a series of drawings by Paula Kuka that had me laughing, enjoying, remembering, thinking, agreeing, and pausing. I think all of these Motherhood Moments are wonderful! Go check them all out via the link at the end of my post.

Meanwhile…let me apologize. The Moment I share here on this post? It had me pausing. If you follow me then you know how I feel and what I share in regards to our use of digital devices and the impact this can have on our children and relationships. A very real and relationship-depleting impact, quite often.

I’m one of *those* who can see the mama in the lower half of this drawing and catch myself starting to criticize what she is doing–spending outdoor time with her little one and also being on her phone at the same time. Yes, I can lose sight of what probably had filled her day prior to heading out for a much needed break, fresh air, exercise. And I apologize for this. It is never a helpful thing, to criticize or judge.

To be fair to myself (and you), I also find myself catching that criticism (PAUSE!) that wants to bubble up and I consider all I don’t know about another’s day, life, what led to heading outdoors to walk and talk on a cell with a young child in tow. I know that many-a-time it is exactly as this drawing depicts and I can totally relate to it, albeit not via use of a cell phone. Those were the days I plunked my child in front of Mister Rogers, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street and then took care of ME–or at least got chores done and dinner made without an octopus around my legs and whining filling my ears

Also to be fair to myself I know, from watching, talking with many parents, having exchanges with a number of you, that it has become normal and familiar, therefore seemingly okay to spend time with your little one with your attention distracted by the phone no matter what else you are doing. Hence my initial reaction to this drawing…thinking, “Oh man. This–as the newfound normal–really isn’t okay!” The hard of staying fully present to whatever you are doing or whomever you are with has gotten harder. And you all have expressed this. And I keep hoping my work and my colleagues’ work is helping encourage you to choose otherwise–to be truly Tech Intentional.

And to be fair to each of YOU, I KNOW that many of you are working hard at balancing this. To be Tech Intentional. To not let your digital life intrude too often in your time with your children and families. Because really, it just doesn’t work very well or feel very good. For parents or children.

I am sorry. For forgetting that perhaps this Mama was finally getting the breather she so desperately needs.

I will continue to work at affirming and appreciating any and all Mama’s out and about with child in tow (phone or no phone!), whether I know their story or not–because really, isn’t it more about feeling cared for and accepted in the moment you are in, as you are, no matter the choices being made? Because it is then that we are more likely going to listen, make different, healthier, intentional choices that align with the kind of relationships, experiences, and life we want the most.

Here’s to all of you Mamas! And a huge thank you to the artist, Paula Kuka.

Enjoy ALL these drawings via https://www.demilked.com/motherhood-comics-paula-kuka/.

With appreciation and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Campground JOY

November 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Something I love is watching young children and engaging with them 🙂 . It brings me real JOY. Spending time on the road with my husband lends me many opportunities to do so–from campground to campground. Two short little stories for you that still delight me as I reflect on them:

An exuberant 4.5 year old boy. Me. I was sitting propped up at one of the only electrical outlets there was charging my computer and writing. Preschooler shows up nearby with his Mama and little brother. Rocks climbed. Rocks knocked off of rocks. Up, down, jumping. Mr. 4.5 looks over and sees me.

“Whatya doing?”

“I’m working! Soon I’m going to be done and go play.”

“Whatya going to play?”

“Ohhh…probably climbing on rocks and jumping….”

“That’s what I’M doing! Watch!” And again he climbs, jumps, and looks at me. “You have very strong muscles to move those rocks and climb so high to jump!” He grins and immediately begins all over again. Happily involved with his rock play. What better play IS there in a campground?! I so appreciated Mama, who stayed back and watched the work of her two little boys.

Mr. Exuberant 4.5 and I chatted a bit more about what he can do and he talked about camping here, and how daddy was cleaning and packing up cuz they were going home. Then, “You can come to MY house if you want!”

Me, “Oh! I like to play at houses….” and at the same time, as soon as he happily declared I could come play, he ducked around the side of the building and hollered out, “NEVER MIND!” Equally exuberantly from the Shy Perspective 🙂 .

I chuckled to myself…his sudden realization of “Oh my gosh I just invited a stranger and I’m suddenly super shy and don’t quite know what to do”...and I called out, “I wonder if you have Lego at your house? I have some at mine. I like to build with Legos!” I figured Lego is pretty universal…

And the wonderful magic started all over again…Mr. 4.5 back tracked, peered around the corner and said, “You DO? I do, too!” And then just as quickly he retreated…headed back towards his campsite…paused….then hollered over his shoulder, “MY NAME IS MICHAEL!” and off he dashed.

I called out equally loud, “MY NAME IS ALICE!” End of story. I so enjoyed how happily open and engaged he began, how he retreated, and how he “reached out” once again in a way he felt safe. Mama and I exchanged smile and off they all went.

A bit later (and this is story number two), I was walking through the campground and saw a Daddy setting up camp, his 3-year-old daughter standing near, water bottle clutched in one arm, special stuffed guys in another. Her big eyes watched me carefully as I neared. I smiled and waved. She watched. I said, “You have Special Stuffed Guys!” She watched me carefully–so different from Mr. Exuberant 4.5, and equally “engaged” in the way she felt safe–clutching her guys and staying near her Daddy.

Daddy smiled. Looked at his daughter and said to me, “She has TWO special guys and one is an elephant!” I paused. I smiled at her and said, “Oh! An elephant!” (making my elephant trumpeting noise…hoping to get a smile…to no avail….). So I tried a slightly different tact, “We had Special Guys at our house, too. A kitty and a horse. YOU have an elephant!” And then I kept on moving past, Daddy said good-bye, I waved.

And then the ever-so-brief and equally wonderful magic occurred. Miss 3? She adjusted her water bottle to her other arm with her Special Guys, keeping her eyes on me the entire time, then waved. AND smiled. I walked backwards and continued my waving to her, she continued her bright-eyed smile and little wave back at me. It filled my heart.

Oh how wonderful! By simply engaging from a “sideways” manner of talking less to HER and more just about my daughters’ special guys, she felt safe enough to respond. Just like Mr. Exuberant 4.5 who, though ever-so-openly engaged initially, found his comfort zone behind a wall and discovering Lego was a favorite of mine…

It fills me, this connection with little ones. Today I hope you’ll pause enough to truly connect with another. Little ways or big ways. Notice and appreciate and be present to the bits of magic that happen ever-so-briefly at times. It truly can bring you JOY.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Have You Noticed?

November 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

...The snowsuit clad 3-year-old, arms spread wide, flying his way down the snowy sidewalk behind his mother and 2 dogs. He paused as we neared each other…then proceeded to demonstrate just the right noises for an airplane, passed his mother by, and banked around the corner flying his way down the path. His mother was thoroughly engaged with her son, enjoying his flying, encouraging it, and laughing her way along their ‘walk.’ Loved it. Especially her full presence to all that was unfolding…

…My friend who intentionally shared with me her observation of a 9-month-old at a basketball game. Rather than focusing on the game, she found herself enthralled with the infant who, with arms spread wide and hands wiggling back and forth, was intent on reaching a jiggling silver pom pom nearby. My friend shared how intensely focused he was, his whole body engaged in watching and reaching–you know, the wiggling arms and hands, bobbing head, bouncing legs…it brought her joy to watch, it brought me joy to hear about it. And the baby’s parents? They caught on and began to engage their son in a game of touch the pom pom and shake shake shake…and the joy spread.

…A preschooler who spent time on my floor totally involved in sorting pattern blocks, pieces of straws, and pegs into a muffin tin. Her focus and her sorting (by color) was fascinating to watch…her joy at accomplishment, followed by promptly dumping it all out into yet another container to mix and “make muffins!” put a smile on my face. And then she found my rubber maid cupboard…container after container pulled out and filled. Totally fun. Self-directed. Completely immersed in her own thoughts and ideas. Fabulous.

What have you appreciated and enjoyed of recent?

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Quick Tips for the BIG-Feelings and Out-of-Bounds Preschooler!

November 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Preschoolers! Ever so fun and difficult. Awhile back I created hand-outs for a local preschool covering a number of issues–enjoy the one I share here with you!

What do ‘big feelings’ and out-of-bounds behavior look like?

• Too silly, raging mad, end of the world tears, bursting with happy

• “You’re a poopy head!” “I’m going to hit you a million thousand times!” “I hate you!”

• Perpetual motion, bouncing off the walls, never hold still, everything done in a BIG way

Why is my child so out of control?

• New and grander stage of independence in the works

• Very few ways to express self, so explosiveness and expansiveness are the norm

• Working hard at learning more about who they are as individuals

What can I do?

• Understand this growth phase is a process that takes time

• Acknowledge and name the feeling: “You are mad that we have to leave. It’s hard for me to leave my friends, too.” “Oh, it’s frustrating when the zipper just won’t behave!” “I can see how sad you feel about not having a turn.”

• Show appropriate ways to express: What they can do with their feelings/behavior—“I can see you want to be loud! Inside libraries are for quiet voices. Let’s go outside where you can be as loud as you’d like.” “You can run fast! Let’s go find a good place for you to run fast.” “You feel mad. Hitting me hurts—we use gentle touches.”

• Give choices and honor them by following through consistently with the result of their choice

When you view big feelings as an opportunity to grow rather than a problem to fix, what might you do differently?

Thoughts to consider to keep sanity in place…

• When are you most comfortable with your child’s big feelings? How can you bring that to other times?

• When is it easiest for you to remain calm and consistent when your child is “out of control”?

• In what ways does your behavior affect your child’s?

• How can PAUSE help grow your ability to be calm and guide your child? What works for you to pause?

• PAUSE, find a place of calm, and then respond based on what you want the most—a child who manages him/herself well

What message is received when you calmly guide your child through their big feelings and out of bounds behavior?

• They feel heard and affirmed

• You have confidence in their growing ability to manage themselves

• They are capable, competent kids able to learn well

• You can be trusted–they can count on you to keep it together when they cannot

• They feel safe and secure as they experience the upset of big feelings/out of bounds behavior

What will help you PAUSE, and calmly and consistently follow through today?

Lots of help for you to be found in more of my work–all three of my books can be one resource. A few articles that can help include:

3’s and 4’s can be HARD

Preschoolers! Hang on for the ride

One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Quick! Your child’s starting to lose it!

November 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Your child is beginning to freak out. Losing it…loudly. Ramping it up to a full blown tantrum. Resistance, push-back, tension… Quick! Offer them their favorite television show or app on your phone or game on their digital device.

Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…

Okay. So your child is now calm. You are calm. But consider this–the message you’ve just given (especially if this is a go-to solution for you on a regular basis…) is “you need this distraction in order to manage your feelings.” Or “you need to BE distracted because I have no confidence in your (or my) ability to manage your feelings.” Or “I cannot handle how you are feeling/behaving…”

What a scary thing for a child.

To think the most mature person–their special adult in their lives–cannot handle how they feel. This really rocks a child’s world…and usually ramps them up even more.

What a way to undermine their ability to (eventually) manage their OWN feelings. To understand, accept, process, and express appropriately all the emotions they have.

What a way to undermine OUR ability to do the same–be comfortable in our own feelings–our anxiety, lack of confidence in our own selves, embarrassment, you name it.

Consider this from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“Avoid using media as the only way to calm your child. Although there are intermittent times (eg, medical procedures, airplane flights) when media is useful as a soothing strategy, there is concern that using media as strategy to calm could lead to problems with limit setting or the inability of children to develop their own emotion regulation.” (Am. Academy of Pediatrics)

So what to do?

Because really, these BIG and LOUD feelings and over-the-top behaviors really DO cause a ton of anxiety. For everyone involved. Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:

~ PAUSE. Calm yourself as much as possible FIRST. What a way to role-model taking care of our own feelings in healthy ways.

~ Name and affirm the feeling your child has. “It makes you really mad…” “You are feeling so so frustrated!” “You really don’t want to leave, yet.” “It makes you mad when I buckle you up in your seat. It is important to be safe…” “It really hurt your feelings when…” “I can see how tired you are. That sure makes it hard for you to…”

~ Give a clear framework, choice inherent: “When you calm down we can…” “I will take you to your room and stay with you while you work at settling down…” “You need to get your mad OUT. Would pounding the couch together help?” “I will stop you from hurting your brother. I can see you are really upset. When we’ve all calmed down a bit we can talk about this…” “Let’s take a few deep breaths like this…and then you can choose if you want to buckle all by yourself or have me help you.”

~ Follow through with what you’ve offered up calmly, matter-of-factly. Whether it is buckling for them (perhaps initially making them even LOUDER and more upset), closing the bedroom door and sitting against it while you keep them company, keeping your promise of talking about it once things have settled, joining in alongside them to pound away at the couch. Your calm, matter-of-fact, willing to stay near, involved, connected self speaks volumes to your child. Respectful volumes.

And now, no matter how your child chooses to behave, you’ve communicated a safe, steady, solid place in which they get the opportunity to sort themselves out. To FEEL. To BE loud and hurt and mad and sad and frustrated without judgment but WITH company, guidance, comfort, and role-modeling that can show them just what to DO with all these upset feelings.

It may not be pretty. It may still be embarrassing, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for YOU, but because you’ve paused…and focused on taking care of your feelings, you are able to step in alongside your upset child and really help them navigate their experience with the confidence they need from you and need to feel you have in them.

Then in time, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”

And your child will be a bit better and stronger in doing just what he or she is meant to–manage themselves. No need for distraction. No need for another to do it for them (and really, think about it. Do you want your future teen needing another to decide for them what and how to do or feel?). And those screens? They can now be used at crucial stress filled times now and again without undermining the important growth of self-regulation.

So today…pause. Consider those potentially embarrassing, anxiety driven, frustrating moments as an opportunity for your child to learn a little bit more about themselves, their feelings, and healthy ways to manage them. You, too. Our kids give us constant opportunities to get stronger within ourselves–and it really all begins with a PAUSE.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Social Media, Smart Phones and Our Children

October 28, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

“It’s not so different now. Back when I was in school I remember being embarrassed and even devastated at times over what someone said about me. I got over it.”

“Things really haven’t changed that much–kids talk behind each other’s backs just like they did when I was that age.”

“Oh those middle-school kids! They are all about embarrassing and being embarrassed. They’ll grow out of it.”

You know what? Things HAVE changed. Children often cannot “get over it” or “grow out of it.” They can’t, anymore. Because now everything is recorded, shared, snap chatted, gone viral, there for the world to see. Forever. Check out this article. It is excellent. And it is only comparing 2008 to 2018: “Middle School Misfortunes Then and Now, One Teacher’s Take”

What stands out to me is the impact smart phones and social media have on the psyches of our children (and us!).

Consider these:

~ The dopamine hit that causes addiction like behavior–replaying and replaying what is so hurtful when you are the one hurt; refreshing and refreshing if you are the one doing the hurting–how many likes does my video or photo have NOW?

~ The inability to remove yourself successfully from all things embarrassing and letting your feelings process and dissipate. Instead of “time will make it better” it becomes “time amplifies and magnifies.”

~ Instead of choosing whom you want to share your experience with and when you want to do so, it is decided for you. Over and over and over again as something is shared online.

~ The lack of a “safe haven” that home ought to be–once you get home after school, you’re supposed to be able to breathe a sigh of relief, for you are away from all that happened at school. No more–for with all the devices now at home and family members equally engulfed by them, your school life has become your home life. There can be no safe space once something is online, shared, forwarded from one person to the next.

~ The greater divide that unfolds between the child hurt and embarrassed by being the subject of derisive social media posts and the child whose addiction to getting more and more likes. The first, as they seek to feel better by being “liked” or “followed” is sinking deeper into what feels like and often becomes rejection followed by depression; the second becomes bolstered towards bullying and often without understanding what they are doing, for their attention is on feeling good. All via “likes” and “follows.”

~ No longer having the respite family creates, for so often you come home to the disconnection caused by each member equally involved with devices. No wonder children can end up even further down this rabbit hole of social media and devices–if family life no longer offers the support, presence, “safe haven” from all the upsetting middle-school (and teen and elementary, too!) experiences, then the hurt child and the instigator child have no buffer necessary for processing, growing, learning. For emotional wellness.

Things ARE different. Our children need us

to do better so they can, too.

Directly from the author (Benjamin Conlon) of the article:

Smart phone and social media have “fundamentally altered how children interact with the world and not in a good way. We can change that. In addition to the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, consider taking the following steps to help your children reclaim childhood:

Propose that administrators and teachers stop using social media for school related purposes. In many districts teachers are encouraged to employ Twitter and Instagram for classroom updates. This is a bad thing. It normalizes the process of posting content without consent and teaches children that everything exciting is best viewed through a recording iPhone. It also reinforces the notion that ‘likes’ determine value. Rather than reading tweets from your child’s teacher, talk to your children each day. Ask what’s going on in school. They’ll appreciate it.
Insist that technology education include a unit on phone etiquette, the dark sides of social media and the long-term ramifications of posting online. Make sure students hear from individuals who have unwittingly and unwillingly been turned into viral videos.
Tell your children stories from your own childhood. Point out how few of them could have happened if smartphones had been around. Remind your children that they will some day grow up and want stories of their own. An afternoon spent online doesn’t make for very good one.
Teach your children that boredom is important. They should be bored. Leonardo Da Vinci was bored. So was Einstein. Boredom breeds creativity and new ideas and experiences. Cherish boredom.
Remind them that, as the saying goes, adventures don’t come calling like unexpected cousins. They have to be found. Tell them to go outside and explore the real world. Childhood is fleeting. It shouldn’t be spent staring at a screen.” (Benjamin Conlon)

YES. To all of what he writes. Wait until Eighth. Wait longer if you can. Protect your child’s health and well-being and give them the gift of a social-media, smart-phone-free childhood for as long as possible–at minimum in your own home.

Check out my article, Keeping Our Children Safe. Check out another article about the importance of being bored and empty spaces right here.

Things ARE different for our children in this age of social media. What isn’t different is how each and every one of us work hard at parenting well, wanting the best for our children, striving always to grow healthy, happy, successful future adults. Feel encouraged by connecting with other parents, sharing your own concerns, as well as what works in your family, and become the village our children and each of us need for ensuring healthy childhoods and lives. We are all worth it.

A community to join to find support, encouragement, research, and more: The Screen Time Action Network.

With appreciation and HOPE,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Story Telling. Human or Device?

October 27, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

THIS is disturbing:

“Alexa in the Classroom? Amazon’s Voice Assistant Leads Kids’ Story Time.”

Take a moment and look at the article. Story Time is WAAAAAAAY more than a voice. It is the interaction between story teller and child. It is the facial expressions, the eye contact, the recognition that a child was sparked by something said, or is fidgeting, or looks worried.

Where is the compassion, the connection, the warmth and interest and wonderful exchange between teller and listener?

Teaching any lesson, in school or at home that includes an attentive and engaged adult really listening to and watching the children involved is essential for real learning. How can having a screen and voice be seen as a better way for children to learn in school? As ANY way to learn in school beyond an occasional event?

Yes, we listen to voices on radio shows and audio books. Yet consider the difference–no screen, for one–we are LISTENING with our ears, rather than staring at a screen. These listening times are done in a more casual setting, with interaction and exchanges happening between listeners. It is a once in a while event, sometimes with radio shows it is an eagerly anticipated one that includes good company, food, lively conversation.

Sometimes with audio books we are all actively listening and enjoying together, smiling, nodding, connecting in quiet ways…and then when its over we all talk about all that we heard and understood. Real learning. Sometimes we listen all by ourselves, lost in our own thoughts.

Not so with Alexa in school or at home giving lessons and telling stories.

It is yet another round of screen time–minus the warmth of a human being actively engaged–asking kids to sit and listen and participate by answering questions while staring at a screen.

What are we LOSING if we start turning to Alexa for our children to get their lessons and hear stories–whether at home or in school?

What are we DOING with even more screens in front of our children?

We know better. We KNOW how children learn, how relationships are built, what our brains need to grow and be healthy.

I find this to be incredibly concerning.

I hope you do, too. Let Amazon know what you think. Let your schools know what you think. Keep story telling human.

With real concern,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Parenting Well, No Matter the Label

October 15, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Peaceful parenting. Positive parenting. Respectful parenting. Authoritative parenting…

And on and on and on…

Lots of labels these days. And labels are tough. As I follow other parenting pages I’ve noticed what seems to be the common struggle we all have–to live up to the label.

Think about it. What DOES peaceful parenting look like when you have a back-arching, screaming toddler refusing to let you change their diaper or wash their hair or do just about anything you feel you need to do right now? Or a preschooler with those BIG GIANT feelings erupting as you are trying to get out the door, make a meal, use the bathroom (by yourself), or…?

What DOES positive parenting look like when you are utterly exhausted and your kids have been fighting all day long and the dog needs to go out, the house cleaned, the dinner made, the appointment gotten to on time, and your parenting partner is buried in the newspaper ignoring everything?

What DOES respectful parenting look like with an eye-rolling, sarcastic, talking back teen? AND you are at your wits end?

What DOES authoritative parenting look like when, even with your patient, collaborative, calm self willing to listen and discuss in place, your child throws EVERY thing right back into your face and is totally unwilling to LISTEN?

Labels make it tough on us.

They give us something to strive for–and this I appreciate and support. To know with certainty you want to parent peacefully, positively, respectfully, collaboratively is truly a strength. Now you have something to strive for as you work hard at parenting well.

And really, this is all about parenting well, no matter the label. And here is where it seems labels get in the way.

When we ascribe to just one kind

of parenting, we really aren’t allowing ourselves room to be different, to grow, to consider ways to interact that might just be healthier for your particular situation or child.

We can get caught up in wanting “peaceful” to mean our kids behave nicely all the time, and we just don’t know what to do when they don’t. We can find ourselves working hard at trying to get them to feel more peaceful, be more peaceful, think more peacefully…and yet they just don’t. They act up, push back, have strong and upset feelings.

We can get caught up in feeling WE need to always be “positive” no matter how chaotically crazy it gets. Now that’s tough to do.

We can get caught up in assuming our child should be “showing us respect” because we are working hard at teaching them respect.

We can get caught up in the sheer frustration of a child unwilling and unable to engage in the give and take of authoritative parenting.

And then we really struggle. Here our kids are not responding to the kind of parenting we are trying to live by and we just don’t know what to do. We can feel like we are failing…we can feel like we are ruining our kids…we just plain feel guilty. Not a fun way to be.

Here’s what I encourage, label or no label.

Always, always PAUSE and focus first on yourself. Take your attention off of your child and trying to get them to respond to your style of parenting or to you in a certain situation or to behave a certain way or whatever it is that is pushing your button and getting you upset, concerned, feeling guilty and at your wits end.

Yes, really. Take your attention off your child (and I don’t mean walk away and ignore it all, wishing all would right itself while you hide-out…even though we all do that sometimes…).

Instead, use a PAUSE to reflect on YOUR feelings and actions and your child’s needs–whether that PAUSE to think is immediate and you can actually create a bit of time and space because there is no safety issue, or a PAUSE that happens simultaneous to your actions (yes, it IS possible!). Think as you rush in. Breathe as you wrap your arms around your child. Find a semblance of calm within you. Consider just what your child’s needs are. Consider just what you want the most to happen, to be learned.

And then, with even just a semblance of calm in place and a bit more clarity, allow yourself to respond to your child and TRUST how you do so. Maybe your response won’t fit into your label–maybe instead of what feels peaceful to you needs to be put aside as you firmly stop your child and look ’em in the eye and say NO.

Maybe instead of what feels positive to you you are letting your child know you are MAD. That you feel anything BUT positive right now about the mess in front of you, the fighting that is going on, the million and one things yet to be done all in the next hour.

Maybe instead of what feels respectful–of demanding your teen to BE respectful–you find yourself allowing that eye-roll, talking back, sarcastic tone of voice. And then matter-of-factly letting them know how YOU choose to respond to their choice of disrespect. Allowing can feel like permissive parenting (not a healthy thing…), but, when followed with a calm response to their choice (maybe, “When you speak like that to me it’s hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a more respectful voice, let me know. I’m interested in what you have to say…”) it is no longer permissive. It is accepting of their choice to eye-roll, etc, AND letting them take responsibility for the result of that eye-roll, etc. What a respectful thing to do–respect their choice AND let them learn from it.

Maybe instead of feeling ready to collaborate, negotiate, discuss you really just need to say NO.

And, no matter the label of your style of parenting,

when you can respond to your child with calm connection leading the way, you can be sure you’ve just stepped in in a

relationship-BUILDING way…

…even if it doesn’t feel particularly peaceful, positive, respectful. Because parenting isn’t always going to be smooth and easy and graceful. It is going to be bumpy, challenging, messy, confusing…you name it. And the one thing you can always strive to do–ALWAYS–is control yourself. No matter what your child chooses to do.

When you can control yourself, first and foremost, you can be assured your interaction is going to come from a more peaceful, positive, collaborative, RESPECTFUL place. Even if your child tells you otherwise. Trust yourself as you first take control of yourself.

I think this is the most essential thing. To trust yourself. So today, start with a PAUSE. Find a semblance of calm. Get a bit clearer about what you really want. Then respond to your child with calm connection leading the way. And let go of what your child decides to do as you calmly, consistently, and with connection in place guide them through whatever the situation or emotion or whatever is engulfing you and them. Ultimately, you will be okay. Trust this.

Maybe that is the label to live by–Calm Connection. Use it. Practice it. Live it. Learn from it. Guilt is lessened with it. Trust is increased by it. And now you can feel much, much stronger as you move through the chaos raising children guarantees. And your relationships will feel strong and healthy from the inside out. No matter the label. Isn’t that what we all really want? Healthy, strong relationships. I know I do.

Here’s to you today as you strive to parent well.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

I just want my child to RESPECT me

October 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I just want my child to RESPECT me!”

Respect–something we all want to see in our children. Respect for others, respect for our requests, respect in how they respond to us…just plain old respect. Life would be good, parenting easier…

The cool thing? This is something that really is all about US (something we can control!). We think it is about our children, about making them do things differently, better, more respectfully. But really, it is about us. And when you really think about this, it is all about choices (ours, as much as theirs).

Respect your child’s choice enough to let them experience the results of their choice–with you choosing to be the calm, clear, connected one no matter what they decide to do.

This is easy when they stay within the choices WE like–you know, the toddler who willingly picks one of the two warm sweaters we offer up to them on the coldest day of the year AND puts it on, the preschooler who shares happily with their buddy with play that extends all morning long, the elementary child who never says a mean word to a friend or talks behind their back, the teen who drives within the speed limit, never risks their well-being because they choose to not drink, smoke, climb treacherous mountains, break curfew…

Whew. Now we feel like good parents–for look at how well behaved our children are! So easy to stay calm, clear, and connected on our part.

But then they do something—they choose otherwise….

…to throw their food on the floor, their toy at you, to refuse all warm clothing items and tantrum on the floor

…to push and hit their buddy because their toy was grabbed from them

…to talk behind their friend’s back in unkind ways

…to drive too fast, climb treacherous mountains, stay out way too late until our anxiety hits the roof…

Yikes. Now we feel it is our job to get them to choose the right behavior, to feel the right way, to choose what WE want them to choose so we can feel better and feel the good parent we want to be–to feel RESPECTED.

And here is where respect truly can be grown.

Instead of trying to ‘get them to behave’, you PAUSE. And then calmly respect their choice enough that they can experience the result of their choice–and now they can truly learn. How does this look? Ideas for you:

~ your toddler throws their cup on the floor. You calmly pick it up, put it on the counter and say, “Cups are for drinking out of and for sitting on the table. When you throw it on the floor, you are all done. Down you go!” Calmly, gently, respectfully. What do they learn? That cups are used a certain way, that their choice to throw resulted in no more drink, that mommy isn’t swayed a bit by their behavior. You’ve treated them with respect, they’ve had an opportunity to learn and grow.

~ your preschooler hits and won’t share. You respect this choice of theirs enough that you follow through with calmly talking about what you see happening, letting her know hitting is never okay, affirming all the feelings involved, asking questions such as, “Your friend would like a turn. When you are all done, can you let her know?” or “Your friend is sad about not having a turn. What can we do to help?” Respectful, no hurry to ‘make them behave,’ and now an opportunity for your preschooler to learn a bit more about friendships, feelings…respect.

~ your elementary student hurts a friend’s feelings. Oh, the temptation to ‘fix’ this somehow! Instead, listen. Reflect back what you hear from your child. Ask questions. And affirm their upset. No need to fix–this just communicates to them our lack of confidence in their ability to navigate a tough experience. Walk alongside them as they sort through the results of their behavior. Maybe a friend gets lost along the way–and now your child has really owned and learned from the results of the choice they made to be unkind. With your calm presence through-out they are more likely to make different choices the next time around. More respectful ones.

~ your teen comes home WAY beyond the time agreed and you’ve been worried sick. Respect the choice enough to follow through with the results. Calmly, consistently, with connection. “You came home really, really late. I was really worried for I never heard from you that your plans had changed. Tomorrow I’d like you to let your friends know that you’ll be staying home.” Calmly. Even as the bedroom door slams, you can be sure you communicated respect. In time, it will make a difference .

By our choosing to be clear, calm, and connected with our child, this becomes way less about making them behave a certain way, and instead an opportunity to learn and grow from experience.

They ‘hear’ our confidence in them and their growth, they feel heard and understood, they can trust that we can keep it together even when they cannot. This builds and communicates respect. And now we’ve just role-modeled what we want more of.

So today…as challenges arise…take a deep breath (PAUSE. It is essential) and let go of needing your child to choose YOUR way. Instead, welcome their choice as an opportunity for them to experience the results and grow. No hurry–this takes time and practice. Respect the time it takes to grow a fabulous adult and be in the moment, guiding your child gently, calmly, consistently. I believe you will see real growth occur–and respect is right around the corner.

And now you really can feel the good parent you already are.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

It’s OKAY

October 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

It’s okay to…

…leave your grocery cart half-full and deserted in the store because your child is over-the-top losing it and you just need to LEAVE…

…decide to throw up your arms and plunk yourself down and resign yourself to your kids being LATE to school…or you to your appointment or work or you name it and late is the name of the game today…

…lock the bathroom door for the few minutes you need to be A-L-O-N-E …no matter the LOUD outside the door…

…put your crying baby safely in her crib for the few minutes you need to tend to your totally distraught preschooler or totally-a-wreck SELF.

…pour a bowl of Cheerios for dinner…

…be thoroughly embarrassed by your child’s behavior at a friend’s house…

…decide to avoid responding to the excitement of your child over something that really hurts your heart or drives you nuts…

…decide TO respond to the excitement of your child over something that really hurts your heart or drives you nuts…and maybe in a not-so-productive-way…but hey, at least you responded.

…let your preschooler dance off to daycare in a ridiculous outfit of his or her choosing…and maybe the same one from yesterday and the day before and the day before and really, it NEEDS to get in the laundry, but…oh well…

…let your child discover what it feels like to get a not-so-wonderful grade on an assignment…rather than work ever-so-hard and frustratingly at getting them to do it “right” and now and finished…

…need help and ask for it…

…pull the car over to the side of the road, get out, and BREATHE while the kids continue to yell and scream and fight in the back seat…

It’s okay.

When you are at your wits end, when you are exhausted, confused, raw, buttons pushed to an extreme, or you name it, it is OKAY to let go and intentionally choose to throw in the towel, yell a bit, walk away for a moment, maybe take what feels like the easy way out.

Giving yourself a break now and again is essential for then re-charging, re-grouping, re-evaluating, and definitely re-connecting. This parenting deal? There IS no perfection. Only a real and honest try at doing better today then we did yesterday.

So today–take care of you so you can take care of your children. Be kind and gentle with yourself and your feelings, for this shows our children how to be with theirs. Maybe there will be a mess to clean up, maybe there will be big tears and slamming doors and real hurt felt.

And now, because you will be better today than yesterday, you can open your arms to all the mess and hurt, gather it in, and truly, authentically, gratefully apologize, re-connect…

…and try again.

That’s all. It’s okay.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Moments of Real Connection

October 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Simple things noticed and enjoyed:

…A certain 7-year-old TOTALLY enthralled with both his magnifying glass and his microscope and the way cool innards of bugs looks and anything else he can possibly collect and examine. Some things not to be mentioned for they might just gross you out. Ha.

…The 8-year-old who dug into his pockets and came up with a penny for another little boy to participate in the coin toss into the spiral tube. The first little boy had no more coins and was disappointed…the 8-year-old, totally unrelated and with his own family, noticed–and then, on his own, came over and helped. This ability to observe and be helpful and kind is simply lovely. And it happens often–and is easy to miss if WE don’t take the time to notice, ourselves…

…A certain 23-month-old whose story telling leaves the rest of us completely enthralled–his eyes light up, he signs and verbalizes and expresses with incredible gusto. The latest story? “Papa” (verbalized) along with the sign for BOAT, demonstrating with great emphasis how Papa carried it over his head with his friend…how friend said “DROP” (verbalized with inclusion of arms swinging down and knees a-bouncing) and “Papa” (verbalized) DROPPED the boat (signed)…Then great chuckles and falling on the floor just like the boat fell down. Oh the stories! Oh the story telling! What joy.

…The 20-something-year-old sisters tearing up with each other as they had to part ways for another six months. The joy this spreads through my heart as I watch them love each other is incredible. Especially knowing how many very tumultuous years they had as they fought their way through clothing/bathroom/hurt feeling wars..

…The teen-aged boy who noticed the fascination of a toddler as he and his friends played catch. This teen? He came on over to Mr. Toddler, knelt down, and asked, “Would you like to play ball with us?” Mr. Toddler paused…looked at his Mama who smiled at him…looked back at the teen and nodded with his whole body . Off they went together to play catch…what a kind and respectful interaction…how cool that a teenager noticed AND offered…and followed through so respectfully. Fun!

...The 5-year-old who is always “out striping” a favorite adult friend. Striped undies, striped t-shirt covered by striped long sleeve shirt. Pants with stripes up the sides, socks with stripes, and then (of course!) face paint stripes on tummies and faces! Oh the JOY of comparing stripes with his grown-up friend…counting, laughing, finding even more hidden in patterns on shirts.

Simple moments. Moments of real connection. Relationship-building moments!

These moments can get missed so easily as we rush around in our busy and full lives. Take time today to PAUSE…observe…and SEE them. Or better yet, find yourself in the midst of a moment that leaves you feeling wonderfully connected with another.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Importance of PLAY!

September 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What can you do for your child that can…

…improve their focused attention?

…help them be content without your constant attention?!

…support and grow their ability to succeed in school?

…spark their imagination and curiosity?

…productively and more likely positively negotiate with others?

…problem solve their way through many a struggle?

It really is quite simple…

PLAY.

The very BEST kind–uninterrupted, plenty of time, non-adult directed, few to no screens, outdoors when possible, indoors with open ended “toys” that perhaps aren’t toys at all. Natural items, for sure. Dolls. Blocks. Crayons. Paint. Play dough. Boxes! BOOKS. Flashlights…Forts! Lego. Leaf piles to JUMP in! Puddles to splash. Pretend pretend pretend.

EXPLORATION.

Asking questions, being curious, wondering wondering wondering, looking and finding and wondering all over again. Testing, trying, struggling, failing, testing, trying once again. Getting dirty. Getting clean. Running hopping skipping biking triking skateboarding dancing–what ELSE can I make my body DO?! Sitting. Thinking. Musing over ideas. Being bored! Mixing and pouring and baking…tasting and tweaking and sharing.

CREATIVITY.

Imagination, ideas galore, dress up, costumes, arts and crafts. Glue! Tape. What can I make today? Blankets and tables to make forts. Pillow mountains! Sticks and rocks and moss become little Elf Houses. Games! Made up ones. Board ones. Card ones. Secret Clubs. Friends and instruments and a band! Watching clouds. Whispering together. Writing letters, plays, stories. More arts and crafts–designing, beading, sketching, sewing, knitting, quilting.

TIME.

Just think of all that is learned! Collaboration. Problem solving. Ability to focus–at LENGTH!

Self-direction…just what is needed to become a responsible, successful adult. “My ideas are valued and respected.” “I am a capable and competent person!”

Large and fine motor skills fully developing. Language and conversation and comprehension expands exponentially! “I am a creative person!” “I can DO this!” “I am listened to and heard.”

Self-regulation–“I know how and what I feel and need; I know how to manage that well!” Independence! “I’m in charge of ME and I am responsible for ME.”

So SO much is learned when we give our children the space and time to do what they do best. PLAY.

Play. Exploration. Creativity. Give your child the gift of TIME.

They deserve it and so do you.

Enjoy!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Be Tech Intentional

September 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Because I keep getting asked by parents overwhelmed and truly concerned about all things digital in their children’s lives, I share this poster once again.

Be Tech Intentional.

This includes educating yourself on just what your children ARE doing and seeing. It includes growing your awareness of the impact digital use has on different ages and stages.

Know that as your child grows he or she will be in homes with different rules and awareness. As one Mama spoke to me recently, she doesn’t want her 5th grade son randomly exposed to and exploring things online (think porn, for one)–so she has taken the steps of speaking to the parents of homes where her son goes to play, asking that iPads and smart phones are not in the hands of the kids.

Another mama is working actively on her SELF to calm her anxiety over all things screens so she CAN guide her young son through positive exposure…and she is finding it tough, for she’d rather have NONE. Balance…it is key.

And yet another family has a place on the kitchen counter for their children’s friends, as they come to play bringing along all kinds of digital devices, to “park” their devices while at their house. As the papa said, “If you need to call your parents while you are here, you are welcome to use your phone right here in the kitchen.”

Be Tech Intentional. Know the impact. Know the content. Walk the talk. It is so very difficult…and it is so very essential.

Need more ideas and help? Two articles for you to take a look at: What TO Do Instead of a Screen and MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen,

Here’s to parenting well,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

How Many Times Do I Need to Tell You?!!

September 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Oh how often we find ourselves saying just this,

“How many times do I have to tell you?!”

And we get frustrated because, even after the ump-TEENTH time our kids STILL aren’t listening. Things spiral up, we find ourselves yelling, often punishing, doing whatever it takes to “get them to behave, to just LISTEN.”

Consider this…what would it take from YOU for your child to know, without a doubt, you’d only ask once or twice at best? What could be different in your household if this was the case? I believe you’d discover more of a positive flow to your day, more cooperative and collaborative children, feeling a calmer connection and definitely healthier relationships…

And children who listen. How would THAT feel?!

Credit to Bil and Jeff Keane
Family Circus

Consider the messages we give when we ask over and over again for them to listen and behave, yet never follow through with action. I believe some are:

“You don’t have to trust that what I say, I mean and will do.” “You can’t count on me, for I don’t keep my promises.” “My Mad is your fault and your responsibility!” Whew.

Probably not what you intend. And how confusing for our children. Or maybe it sounds like this, “How many times do I need to tell you?” “I don’t know…maybe 16?” For really, it IS up to US how many times we decide to ask or tell our children whatever it is we are wanting them to act upon. No wonder things begin to spiral up, get more intense, at times explode…here we are asking them to decide for us what it is WE want. Confusing!

If we intend to grow listeners and enjoy the cooperation we really can have with our children, I believe we must first focus on ourselves and become clear on just what we want.

It is then our job to say to them exactly

what we mean…and to follow through, calmly and consistently,

by doing just what we said.

When we can calmly and consistently follow through–-ask only once (maybe twice… 🙂 ?!), then step in and connect, guiding them gently–then our children begin to learn they truly can trust us, count on us, believe us when we say, “It is time to…”

We keep our promises.

What a way to role model integrity. What a way to show them what “keeping promises” means. What a way to let them know they can count on us. This can be difficult for it can mean we end up with…

…a tantruming child who is resisting in all ways possible as you calmly follow through with buckling them up–“I know, it really makes you mad when we have to get loaded up in the car to go. You’d really like to stay. I’m buckling you and then we will head on down the road!”

…removing them from a heated interaction–“You are super upset. Let’s go find a place for you to settle down and when you are feeling calmer, we can try again…”

…putting their beloved toy away–“When you keep throwing this toy, it can hurt something or someone. Time to put it up and give it and you a break….”

…saying NO to using the car (yes, teens have tantrums, too) or playing with a friend or going to a birthday party–“It really saddens you that you have to say no to your friend today. I bet when you have finished up with the work you need to do, we can make different plans. Let me know when you are ready to do so!”

The more we can PAUSE, calm ourselves,

consider what we really want for our child–what we really want them to learn–then we are better able to “ask only once”–clearly and calmly. And then follow through.

Keep your promises today. Even if it is for a lost privilege. Know that as you do so, you are role modeling for your child just what you want the most–a child who can count on you, trust in others, live with integrity.

Keep calm connection and clarity at the forefront in all you do…act-as-if when necessary…and notice what is different as a result.

If you enjoyed this article, here’s another you may find helpful: Save Your NO!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Consider Consequences…

September 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’d really like to be rid of the word “consequences.” This may be a matter of semantics, but stay with me here.

I know they are important. I know we toss that word around a lot when we are frustrated, concerned, working hard at showing our children (and perhaps adults you might know) that their actions have consequences.

This is true, I absolutely agree with that. Actions do have consequences. Yet this word “consequences?” It gets misused. It is defined quite often as punishment.

Think about this–“That child needs consequences!” Really what is being said is, “That child needs to be punished in order to learn to do it the RIGHT way, MY way, the kind, good, easy or whatever way.”

Consequences and Punishment. They just seem to mean the same to so many.

I’d like to suggest something else. I’d like to re-frame consequences as “The Results of Choices.” Results. The outcome of however our child chooses. Whether it is to earn something, pay for something, experience loss, experience joy…

Take hitting, for example.

You know, the hitting between siblings, the hit from one child to another that happens when a toy is grabbed or a buddy gets in the way or when we try to step in and help a situation. The hit from a very upset child. We know hitting isn’t okay. It certainly pushes OUR button…

Think about this. Because it pushes our button and we just want it to STOP we often find ourselves saying, “He needs to know there are consequences for hitting his sister!” Seen as a punishment, we are now stepping in making them stop, often getting upset ourselves, removing them from the situation to “Go to time out young man!” Threatening to take away privileges–“No more iPad!” “No way can you go to your friend’s party now!”; or worse, we hit them to show them how it hurts. That makes no sense and is never okay.

What do they learn? That when they hit, WE lose our temper.That their hitting or not hitting is about how WE feel, not how they feel, how the one who was hit feels, not how to express feelings appropriately. That it is all about how we react–and now their attention is way less on what we hope they can learn and WAY more on how we are reacting.

What do we WANT them to learn? That when they get upset they can use their words, come get an adult to help, take time to cool off. That gentler hands are important. We want them to learn how to cooperate, be patient, PAUSE. To manage themselves in healthy and productive ways.

So what is the Result of their Choice to Hit? That it hurts.

And that hurt causes another to be sad and upset. And when someone is sad and upset, we comfort them. We show the hitter what the hitting caused. And knowing that younger children, when they hit, are typically equally hurt inside, the result of them hitting is that we kneel down and talk with them–gently, firmly, with our full and understanding presence.

Maybe the result of their choice to hit goes further. Maybe it is that time to cool off is in order. Maybe it is showing them what they CAN hit. Maybe it is about picking up the one who got hit and heading elsewhere for a bit…putting our attention on what we want more of–less hitting, more compassion.

If we had stepped in with “CONSEQUENCES!” I’d venture to say lessons learned are way less about our child learning more about himself. When we step in as the guide through the results of their actions, so much more INNER learning goes on–and that is exactly what is needed in order to grow in healthy ways, to become a successful adult able to manage their feelings, know themselves well, build healthy relationships with others.

What does this require from us?

First and foremost, our ability to PAUSE. To consider just what we want the most, what our child needs in order to learn and grow, to calm ourselves enough that however we then respond it is done in a relationship-building way.

It requires our patience and ability to Take. Our. Time.

It asks us to take care of ourselves so our feelings of MAD or worry or frustration can be calmed and dealt with, no matter what our child decides to do. Self-care. It is essential in order to parent well.

It asks us to know our child…and to understand ages and stages so we CAN understand better what our child needs.

Today, PAUSE. Calm your self. Consider just what you want to show your child so they can learn a bit more how to manage themselves, how to sort their feelings, how to use their words. Step in alongside and show them the way.

**Let your calm and confident self create the connection your child needs so they can do the learning and growing they need the most.**

What a way to deposit into your relationship with your child.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All the Kids are Sick

September 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

Let me appreciate…

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Continue…

A Boy and His Dad

August 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

Dad and twelve-year-old son. Broken (by accident) window in son’s bedroom. Oops. Glass everywhere, and the cost to fix it was going to be plenty.

You can imagine how dad COULD have reacted. How you or I might have. I know I’d probably have yelled, first…hard NOT to as you hear the crash of the window and find yourself already thinking towards the mess and the cost and the time it’ll take. So you can imagine how tempers could have flared. Dad could have lost it. It certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable…and his son? Well…he was cringing a bit for he KNEW he blew it and it WAS a total mess and dad was known to lose his cool over other incidents…

And yet...he didn’t lose it. Dad instead left his son’s room before his temper got the best of him. He headed downstairs to the garage. There he gathered up the Shop-Vac, some rags, a broom, duct tape, cardboard, and other cleanup and temporary repair items. As he lugged it all up the stairs, dad realized how much calmer he already felt. This PAUSE of leaving the scene of the mess, focusing on what he needed to gather, letting go of trying to drag his son downstairs with him worked for him. He found he was returning to his son’s room, more interested in engaging with him positively as they cleaned up the mess.

Son? Initially afraid dad was going to lose it, was instead relieved when dad returned, calm and focused. Dad leaving the room created a PAUSE for this 12-year-old enough that HE could take a breath and move from being afraid to being curious about what dad was up to…. Now son was receptive and actually eager to help with the clean-up job. And because of dad’s PAUSE, they were able to work together successfully…even with a bit of humor as they taped up cardboard, figured out measurements for window replacement, chased bits of glass around the floor.

**Now what? They felt connected. In a positive and fun kind of way. Lots of learning happened–real learning.**

The kind that has a child focused on ability and task and skill rather than how crazy upset they or their parent is. And it continued into the next day as they headed to the hardware store together to get all that was necessary for replacing the broken window. A cool learning experience and relationship building time that could have (understandably so) been a disaster.

What did Mr. 12 learn? That dad could be counted on to keep it together (and now Mr. 12 could also keep it together…), that certain things were what you needed to use to clean up broken glass, that you could use cardboard and duct tape creatively, and that this is what it takes to replace the window.

Perhaps most importantly, Mr. 12 learned that dad saw him as a capable and competent soul able to take responsibility for the choices (and results!) he made.

Awesome. THIS is the power of PAUSE and parenting with calm connection. And it ripples out in amazing ways..let it change your life. If you need help, you will find it in all three of my books–let them empower you to make truly relationship-building changes in your life.

Here’s to you today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

ENOUGH with Violent Tragedies

August 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology 2 Comments

The Universe is banging down our door.

Because my work, life, and passion is helping parents grow healthy, connected relationships with their children and for families to thrive, I feel it is time I spoke out about the tragedies that are occurring with increasing frequency.

Horrific, tragic mass shootings have become more and more frequent. Familiar, even. And when things become familiar, there is a sense of normalcy about them.

These tragedies? There should NEVER

be anything normal or familiar about them.

And as they’ve become more frequent, it seems to me the Universe is knocking hard and repeatedly, asking us to create real, positive CHANGE. If we continue to ignore it now, what will it take for us to make a difference in the future? This I worry about.

Here’s what I understand through my personal life, and my professional experience as a Parent Coach. All through life we are presented with challenges. As we embrace challenges, take time to think about them, learn to do things differently, we grow and the challenges fade or evolve into something healthy. When we ignore challenges, hope they’ll go away while we keep on doing just what we’ve always done, what often happens is it comes back at us bigger and stronger. Until we either decide to do some growing or we “die”—wither a bit at the least, literally at the worst.

Liken this to parenting, if you will. You have a Testy Toddler. You work at understanding how to give choices, boundaries, be calm and consistent. Their testing subsides; they learn to manage themselves a bit more. They grow and learn, as do you. Then they become a preschooler. And if you have a three or four-year-old, you may understand this fully—they make an exponential leap in growth and as a result, what you thought of as hard with your toddler is now overwhelming.

At first you dig in your heels and do as you did with them as a 2-year-old. It no longer works. They ramp it up. Finally, hopefully, you figure it out—they need more choices, more freedom to be their independent selves, and a bit different boundaries. You grow, they settle and you move on until the next major developmental stage.

If you don’t, relationships go south rapidly. If you continue to fight them, it just gets harder and harder through the years. Then you have a teen and you realize something has to change—and now the steps you need to take? They become much more drastic and harder to implement. Yet they are essential in order to support the healthy growth of your teen, so you learn, act, work on yourself, and grow. And your relationship begins to feel better, your teen turns into a twenty-something who does see you as a resource; respects and trust you. It took a tremendous and often painful effort and you did it.

It seems to me the Universe, years ago and in regards to these horrific events, asked us to PAUSE and consider what we can do to ensure our children CAN grow into adulthood, be healthy and safe; to have connected communities for all to live and thrive in.

We, seemingly due to politics, blame, passion over what our individual rights are, refused to change.

Now the Universe is knocking us HARD.

Banging down our door, so to speak.

Taking steps to create real and positive change now becomes much, much harder. Similar to our preschooler or teen, as we’ve ignored the challenges and the change required, things have really ramped up between political parties, individuals, and communities. Reactivity is the name of the game. Change now will have to be BIG. More drastic. Harder. Definitely uncomfortable. Change now requires letting go of things we’ve felt were our right, or assumed were how things should be, and choose otherwise. That leaves us feeling like our rights are challenged and could be compromised.

If my words push a button in you, then I ask you to recognize that as a “red flag” to PAUSE. For all of us to pause. To calm ourselves down. To ask ourselves why we feel upset, reactive, anxious. To consider what we really want and how that looks in real life, for our children, for our communities.

This is where I want all of us to consider

just what we hope for and value the most for our children and future grandchildren; for our families and communities.

I’m hoping what we want and value is really very similar from family to family. Safety. Health. Well-being. A child who gets to live into their adulthood, being productive, purposeful, kind, respectful, trusting, honest. Future adults who live in a thriving community filled with caring and hard-working people, living life fully.

As we look through this lens, I’d like us to consider two areas I feel are imperative for change:

What can we do for greater and necessary gun safety?
What can we do to lessen the negative impact from violent video games and other digital technology full of violent imagery?

I know it is a myriad of things culminating in these tragic events. Families struggling, mental health, digital devices and all they involve, undue pressures to succeed for our children, social media intermingling with developmental stages that just can’t handle it, a culture that seems to allow and accept divisive words and actions.

I am grateful for the work by so many already supporting and empowering parents and children; helping those with mental health issues; speaking out about healthy screen technology; educating about what children need the most to grow optimally; encouraging all of us to think about our use and the role of weapons in our lives. I know we need to and hopefully will keep moving forward with all of these efforts, for they are creating positive change for families.

More can—needs to—be done. We have reached a

level of violence that is beyond comprehension.

One way I feel is imperative to create real change is by taking charge of what our children view—and in my mind this involves our children no longer being exposed to violent video imagery as they “play” their “games.” This includes demanding the makers of video games to step up and take responsibility for their part in unhealthy screen technology.

Two excellent clips to watch in regards to this:

Why Children are Killing Children in Modern Society

Barney vs. Power Rangers

Perhaps taking REAL steps from the outside-in will give us the pause necessary to strengthen all of us from the inside-out. Let’s continue demanding healthier screen technology; educate ourselves about the powerful impact technology can have and make choices as parents that protect our children from being so negatively influenced by what they view and play on screens; lessen the likelihood of mental illness as a result of the anxiety, depression and isolation that emerges from unhealthy childhoods, unhealthy digital lives.

Perhaps strive to be rid of all violent digital technology.

Help in regards to all of this can be found through the Children’s Screen Time Action Network.

Along with violent video imagery, I’m

deeply concerned about an area that seems to cause an

extraordinary amount of reactivity and divisiveness—our

use and availability of GUNS.

I realize this subject can anger many people. Knowing how powerful words are for creating our reality, I’d like to start by letting go of “gun control”, words that raise hackles and create endless conflict with no change in sight, to gun SAFETY.

Then let’s have conversations—uncomfortable, perhaps—with those whose views differ from ours. Share stories about what we know and understand, how things look in our individual experiences. Listen. Then talk honestly about the common goal of safe, healthy communities and children, and take action towards what CAN be done.

Consider supporting barring sales to those with mental illness, background checks for private sales, banning high capacity magazines.

Speak FOR passing laws that make it harder for those with ill intent to gain access to weapons.

Stand up for responsible gun ownership, gun safety training and knowledge, saving our children and ensuring their healthier future.

As my friend said, “Let’s start with changing the language around the discussion—gun safety, sensible gun ownership, responsibly armed. Perhaps this will help us all to listen better to one another and take the action necessary for our children’s healthy future. Change the language, change the attitudes, change the laws and help save lives.”

Let’s work together. It is past time. I implore each and every one of us to stop pointing fingers and assigning blame to others—whether it is our tech world, the NRA, parents, etc. Instead, let’s each take responsibility for our own part in this, and be willing to do it differently—no matter if we think we are influencing this violence or not. Let’s point only to the lens of allowing our children to grow into a healthy, safe, thriving adult-hoods and be part of productive, respectful, connected communities supporting all members’ health and well-being.

Stand up, speak out, and take real and positive

action steps today in your family, in your community, in

your profession for greater gun safety and

healthy screen technology.

Let’s answer the Universe by taking responsibility and action. All of us, for we are in it together. I believe it really can help create the change we desperately need.

Together we can help our children live into a healthy adulthood and our communities thrive. An excellent You Tube on what I see as the “inside-out” approach, based on relationships and connection is “How To Prevent School Shootings.”A few articles of interest regarding digital device use include “We Need to KNOW and Say NO” and “Our Children, Our Technology.”

Thank you.

Respectively and with HOPE,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Time-outs!

August 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Time-outs! Often relied on to change our child’s behavior, to “get them to behave,” to HOPEFULLY make them LEARN.

Baby Blues by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott

And I believe this comic says it all–“And you still don’t see the connection?”

When we use a time-out as punishment, as the go-to

consequence for “mis” behavior also known as behavior we cannot handle, or stand, or know what to do with,

what are we actually teaching?

It seems to me, when our kids hit, yell, ignore, dump the dog’s food bowl all over the floor, throw exactly what it is you don’t want being thrown, fight, you name it–if our response is, “Go to time-out!” or “That’s enough, young man. Go to your room!” or “You know hitting isn’t okay! You need to go sit THERE until I say you can move…”

…then our children are more likely never to “see the connection.” Or maybe it is that the connection they see isn’t conducive to learning just what it is we really want them to learn. And what really is missing is the connection they need with us in order to feel safe, secure, able to settle and learn.

What they hear and experience is when they choose to do something we consider “mis” behavior, they have to go to time-out. Mostly because mom or dad is mad and really can’t handle their behavior and now it is all about our mad (and inability to handle it. Scary, for a child). What is really learned? How to make mom mad. How to NOT make mom mad. And how unsettling that is for children, to seemingly be “in control” of our feelings. Rocks their boat, shakes them up, and often just creates even MORE “mis”behavior as a result.

What we really want, beyond not being mad, is for our children to learn to decide on their own to choose more appropriate and productive behavior; to be more focused on themselves and the learning we really intend.

Learning, from the inside-out.

Truly self-directed. Essential for future successful and healthy adulthood.

When the go-to is “Time-Out, Young Man!”, where is the learning to use gentle hands, a quieter voice, to keep the dog’s food IN the bowl or how to sweep it up and put it where it belongs? Where is the learning to throw appropriate items, place others, hand over some, plunk others? How do they know the steps to productive negotiation? Sending our kids to time-out often undermines the learning of exactly what we truly want.

Instead, consider a time-out as exactly what it is meant for–a time to cool off. To be used often in connection WITH you (a Time IN), or at least from the place of, “Wow, you are really really upset. It’s time to take a break…” A time-out is an opportunity to take that break, cool our jets, feel better, and then try again. Essential life-skill. A PAUSE. Knowing when you need it and how to take one is what we are guiding our children towards and probably learning to do ourselves . See my books for help in this!

All the other behaviors? They deserve our calm, matter-of-fact response. “When you hit, it hurts. It’s never okay. What is it you’d like to say?” “We use gentler hands on our kitty. Like this…if you need to hit, let’s go whack the couch pillows!” “Yikes! The dog food belongs IN the bowl. Would you like to scoop it back up with your hands or try sweeping it up?” “Blocks are for building or plunking. Would you like to try again?” “You are super excited! Let’s put the blocks away right now and go get all your extra throwing energy out with our soft balls…” “You two are having a tough time taking turns. You both want a chance to play with our new game…hmmmm…”

**And now our child has the opportunity to feel supported and understood by us, connected to us, and focused on exactly what we want them to learn more about.**

NOW they have the opportunity to connect their choice with a result that has them learning HOW to do something, WHAT they feel, STEPS they can take. All with your company. And they now are more likely to learn.

So today, think about just what it is you really want (beyond NOT feeling mad!), and let a pause for YOU step up so you can then join alongside your child and take the extra minute to talk and show. Pretty powerful, our words and actions.

And if it continues to escalate? That’s okay. Now it is a time to use a time-out as the PAUSE it is truly meant to be. Instead of a punishment, it becomes a powerful way to help a child feel the connection with himself and with you that has them calming themselves, managing themselves, and deciding for themselves just when they are ready to try again.

Now they’ll see the connection. And your job has just become easier… This is the power of PAUSE.

Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

No Time to PAUSE

August 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

So you don’t have time to PAUSE.

How could you with toddlers, preschoolers, four kids under age seven, work, a missing parenting partner, activities, meals, fights, tantrums, laundry, the dog who just threw up a pile of grass on your carpet, car-seat struggles, missing shoes and wallets and keys and spaghetti boiling over as you rush to get the door, stop your kid from falling off the bookshelf he just climbed up…add whatever current chaos is in your life…

Whew. Who would EVER have time to PAUSE in the midst of real-life parenting?

Here’s the deal. Pausing is WAY LESS about slowing yourself down to create a pause and much, much more about how pausing slows your life down.

And it is more about emotionally and mentally slowing down, rather than physically, though both happen. And the best thing? It doesn’t require YOU to slow down, first. Let that sink in. You still can go a million miles an hour…

YOU do not have to do the work at slowing in

order to create a PAUSE and feel the

steadying power it can bring.

Okay. So how does this really work? Today, when all heck is breaking loose and your buttons are pushed to the max, let your sarcastic self-talk say--“HA. And Alice thinks a pause is possible…yeah, right.”

And guess what? You’ve just paused. You’ve just created a bit of “space” between what is really yanking your chain and the response you are going to give it.

Maybe you still yell. Lose it. Say “AARGH! JUST QUIT FIGHTING.” Maybe. But you’ve created a bit of space without even knowing it. And THIS is to be noticed. Appreciated.

And repeated, for what we focus on grows.

Go write the word “PAUSE” on sticky notes and put them in key places in your house. I put it on my bathroom mirror and microwave. Another parent stuck it in his car. No matter where, do it.

And now you’ll see PAUSE. And the sarcastic self-talk will flow. Then in time you’ll notice that you HAVE created a bit of space and in that space you actually cooled your heat a notch.

It will have made a tiny difference–inside you, initially, for despite the YUCK you will realize you are better able to handle it. To let it roll. To not hang onto it and go round and round in your head over how guilty you feel or how mad you are at your kids.

Then the magic starts to occur. Your KIDS will settle a bit

faster. Listen a bit more. Be less intense as they act out. Intense, but less so. To be appreciated, believe me.

Now you’ll discover less need for your house to be filled with sticky notes, because that word, PAUSE, will sorta flash in your minds eye like a lit-up billboard. It’ll make you chuckle, now. Less sarcasm. You’ll discover you take an extra breath. Or walk away briefly. Or just stay quieter as you still rescue your child from the bookshelf, wipe up the pile of grass your dog through up, turn down the heat on the stove, let the calls go to voice mail, maybe still struggle with car-seats and missing shoes, wallets, keys…

But you’ll be a bit quieter. A bit steadier.

And calm connection will emerge…and feel

really, really amazing.

Something else that counts–just think “PAUSE” during the easy times. When kids are doing well, things feel rather under control. NOW think about how pausing looks for you and how calm connection feels. It can be so much easier to practice pausing and parenting with calm connection when things are already good.

And it counts. It will exercise that PAUSE muscle. So when the hard comes? You are less likely to blow. More likely to actually let your pause muscle flex, your ability to step in more calmly lead the way. Talk about relationship-building. All done without having to slow down and find the space to pause.

Just start with the word itself. That’s all.

Here’s to you, living your very real life and working hard at parenting well.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package

August 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package:

...upon returning home from your much needed Time Away and looking forward and feeling ready to once again being the parent you love to be, your kids–maybe following that simply amazing initial hug and out-pouring of l-o-v-e–start whining and clinging and pushing-pushing-pushing until all YOU want is ANOTHER Time Away! Sigh…deep deep breath….

…you FINALLY are getting a decent nights sleep. You’ve worked ever so hard at creating a routine, at standing gentle and firm in “you sleep in your own bed”, at resisting the first whimper at 2 a.m. until you are certain it is truly a need…and sleep is had. Until today. Illness or new teeth or an out-of-town guest or SOMETHING different and all that work at SLEEP? It vaporizes…

...heart wrenching moments. Tons of them. From watching your little one SCREAM and reach for you as you leave after dropping them at day-care, to the intensely hurt feelings as your child deals with truly unkind “friends” at school, to the emotional roller coaster your teen goes on sobbing one day and screaming at you the next, to those times when you just don’t KNOW where your newly driving teen IS. And they are late. Very, very late.

…heart WARMING moments. Tons of them. Those snuggles and shared eye-twinkles and belly laughing stories. Looking at your little one tucked into bed, sound asleep just like an angel :-). Being told by your teen your words and presence and hug meant a lot to them. When that little hand slips itself into yours…your lap is climbed into…your child flashes YOU the quick smile or trusts YOU with the sad feelings and tear-filled eyes…

…Confusion. Uncertainty. Frustration. YOURS. Not knowing if what you are doing is “right.” Wondering what to DO when your child does…fill in the blank :-). Feeling at your wits end with certain rather button-pushing and relentless behavior. Thinking you are totally ALONE in your troubles…(you aren’t, by the way. Lots of company in all of it…really!). Always feeling like you are running to catch up and yet you never really catch up for something new is always being thrown your way…

….RELIEF. To find your child okay after something scary. To have the potential blow-up NOT blow up. To have the babysitter arrive…finally! To decide just to pour a bowl of cereal for dinner or let go of whatever activity or commitment there was and just stay home or finally FINALLY getting a chance to B-R-E-A-T-H-E. Or go to the bathroom by yourself :-).

…JOY. Overwhelming, heart filling, lift-you-to-the-moon JOY. The spontaneous hugs and “I love yous.” The success of a child’s persistence whether in a sport, a project, a class, an anything. Watching them persist, be determined, stick to something hard…and SUCCEED. Now that fills us with joy! Or maybe it’s watching them side-by-side with a buddy, heads together, poring over something they both are enjoying, whispering, delighting together. JOY from “That’s MY child!” JOY because “Oh, that smile and giggle of theirs…” JOY due to meaningful time together–kicking your feet through fall leaves, strolling through the woods, reading endless books, holding each other during the Great Big Sad moments–yes, even that can bring JOY.

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package. Thank you to my friend and colleague Rhonda Moskowitz, for this quote…!

Ultimately?

ALL of these parts add up to be the rich and

meaningful relationships that make up our Parenting Package. One filled with deeply connected relationships.

Ultimately, living fully and living well.

Know that whatever you are in the midst of–whether heart-wrenching, joy-filled, or just plain FRUSTRATING–it is part and parcel of an amazing journey. In time you may even be able to come up for air and appreciate all parts of it…

Maybe. Definitely in time. For now, know that you have plenty of company no matter “where” you are in your parenting journey. Plenty.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

YOUR (Future) Amazing Adult!

July 30, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

What could be different if you set your sight on growing an amazing adult–one who is creative, a problem solver, self-assured, responsible, respectful, compassionate, self-directed…?

How then might you respond to the spilled cups of milk, the paint all over everything except the paper, the toe-dragging to do homework, the tantrum in the store, the flamboyant clothing style, the intentional arrival home after curfew?

I think:

...the spilled milk could become an opportunity for discovering what method of clean up works best–sponge (squish!), mop, rag…and an opportunity for practicing pouring a bit more all by themselves…an opportunity to experiment with different kinds of cups to discover what may work better. Or maybe just to discover that they are all done with their milk and Mama is a bit exasperated and everyone (including Mama) gets to take a time out to regroup… 🙂 This is REAL learning from the inside out.

…the paint that has escaped the paper in bucket fulls?! A wonderful chance to play with how colors mix, how effective brushes are (or aren’t!) to ‘scoop’ the paint back to the paper, what happens as you bring water and a rag to the situation. Oh, and don’t forget the chance to watch as the rag is squished over the sink and the colors that flow down the drain! All of this, of course, with the understanding that ON the paper the paint needs to be…and perhaps painting will retreat to the bathtub for future endeavors… 🙂 And isn’t Mama good at acting-as-if she is calm and cool as perhaps the paint just gets put away and “we can try again another day”?

...the toe-dragging over homework? An opportunity to discover what happens at school the next day when they choose to not do their homework. An opportunity to discover that their choice to stall leaves them no time to join the family after-dinner game. Or that they can count on a good snack and your company as they work hard at getting their math sheet DONE. An opportunity to discover what is really important to them, what they like and don’t like, what is their responsibility and is not…again, REAL learning from the inside out that will strengthen them continually as they grow.

…the tantrum could be come an opportunity to learn it is okay to feel mad, that they can count on mom or dad to keep it together when they cannot, that a tantrum doesn’t work to get the candy they’d hoped for, that they DO know how to calm themselves and try again. A chance to learn a bit more about how to manage all their BIG and necessary feelings. A chance for you to count to a hundred multiple times in a row…and remind yourself this, too, shall pass and that YOU deserve a bit of self-care.

...flamboyant clothing (or hair, or…!) becomes an opportunity to explore their identity–to discover how they like or don’t like their friends’ response to their clothing choice, to figure out on their own if attention from the opposite sex really is appreciated, to find out that wearing a poofy and frilly Easter dress and party shoes really inhibits playtime on the playground…or maybe not, since what they like the most is sitting on a bench talking with friends. Perhaps an opportunity to, as you really do say NO to a choice, team up with you and use their independent, creative ideas to brainstorm acceptable choices they feel express who they are. And now it’s an opportunity to explore WHO they are, separate from you. Just what they need lots of opportunities for!

...coming home after curfew becomes an opportunity to discover just what is their responsibility…to find out that having the chance to go out with friends the next night has just been jeopardized…that they get to miss out on something important to them…or an opportunity to collaborate with US as to just what needs to be different for a successful night out. An opportunity to connect with us in such a way that they feel heard and can get upset with us–that their mad is okay, too.

What does all of this require from us?

Staying calm and connected. Self-care so we can be (calm and connected). Letting go of our desire to control and make our children obey and instead recognizing in order to grow a truly self-directed, responsible adult, it is our job to embrace all the tests and problems tossed at us as opportunities for learning and growth. Theirs AND ours.

Becoming clear about just what we want the most. To take the time to think about that future adult we intend to grow and know. To consider what we are doing right now to encourage them in this direction. To let a PAUSE give you the chance to think less about solving the immediate “problem” and instead respond based on what it is you want the most–whether it is “down the road” or right now as you work hard at getting out the door in one piece.

Patience and consistency–essential for guiding our children well. Difficult, challenging, exhausting–yes. But worth every ounce of your energy–and the occasional babysitter–for the result is an adult ready and able to soar. Let PAUSE be your number one tool as you work hard at being the calm, clear, connected parent your child deserves.

And now the times when obedience is absolute? Think safety issues, here, or perhaps when we are truly exhausted . I think you will find your children are more able to listen and cooperate. How cool is that?

Respectfully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

HOW Do We Get Our Kids To…

July 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment

We feel like it is OUR job to…

…Get our kids to fall asleep…stay asleep…just SLEEP.

…Eat what and when we serve them–I remember so well the “Clean your plate!” admonishments in our family…and many others, as well. “No dessert until…!” Or how about, “Lunch is in two hours. You’ll just have to wait…”

…Make sure they are a good friend…or have friends….or just make friends.

…Keep them from feeling sad, left out, hurt. Or STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD.

…Do whatever it takes to make sure they DON’T feel sad, left out, hurt–or…do whatever it takes to make them happy once again. And definitely STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD. Mostly because we can’t handle it.

…Make sure they do their homework…get their homework “right”…remember to turn IN their homework–especially the homework YOU worked so hard on getting them to finish or just went ahead and did for them.

On and on we go…

And we get more and more frustrated, stressed, reactive, heartbroken along the way…because our kids? They know, intuitively, that how they choose to think, feel, and behave is really THEIR job. Yet when we make it ours, they no longer have to take responsibility for sleeping, eating, being a good friend, feeling happy-sad-mad-successful…for they can count on us to continue to poke, prod, nag, bribe, yell, remind, do for them all these things we feel it is our job to do in order for our kids to grow well.

And now we have children who are less likely to feel competent, capable, confident in their abilities. Children who have no idea how to manage feelings. Children who rebel, comply, struggle more than necessary and for longer periods of time.

Consider this–what if you were to focus instead on growing capable, competent, confident-in-their-abilities children and put your efforts toward creating an environment conducive to your child taking charge of the sleep, eating, friendships, homework, upset feelings? Now how might that look? Perhaps:

For sleep…a calming routine for all ages that evolves with age.

Things like:

Gentle rocking for your baby as they work themselves to settle or respect for them to fuss themselves to sleep on their own in their crib. Or rubbing their back or saying to them, “I know you can let sleep come. I’ll be back in 5 minutes to check on you.” And then you keep your promise.

Perhaps stories and songs and snuggles or a bath followed by a snack followed by stories and a back rub. And patience galore when it seems like you have to start all over again with stories, songs, backrub…

Maybe your company quietly lying next to them. Probably a quieter environment with special guys or blankies or other sleep buddies (and NO screens). And again, your patience 🙂

Maybe acceptance for flashlights and late-night-under-the-covers reading with our older kids. Or taking OURSELVES off to bed after saying a good-night to your still awake child, communicating your confidence that they can take charge of their own sleep needs.

Letting go of all of this sleep happening in OUR time frame and respecting our child’s work at this oftentimes tough transition. That’s the tough part. Helping them to “let sleep come” can be a lengthy process…

For eating…providing healthy foods, regular mealtimes, enjoyable and connected mealtimes where:

Conversation is had and full presence is in place. Creativity called upon as yet again the answers to your inquiries are filled with, “I dunno.” “Maybe.” “Uh uh.” 🙂

ALL digital devices off the table, silenced, put away. Absolutely.

Respect is given for a child feeling full or feeling hungry. “You’re done? Great! Please take your plate to the counter.” “You’re hungry? Dinner is in an hour. Would carrots and some cheese help you wait?”

Most especially mealtimes that are focused on being together and sharing stories…now you are more likely positively influencing your child to eat well, healthily, and tuned in to their own body’s needs.

For friendships…role modeling the kindness, respect and FUN people can have together.

Such as:

Providing lots of opportunity to play freely and at length. Outdoors whenever possible! Little to no adult supervision–at least, obvious adult supervision…:-)

Inviting the single friend over for your quiet child, multiples for your extrovert. Choosing a friend to join the family adventure or welcoming in the neighborhood kids to roar around the yard.

Sitting alongside your child as they experience the inevitable hurt feelings–role modeling again the kindness and compassion you hope to see them exhibit towards others. Oh how this tugs on heartstrings! Take care of YOU, as well.

Making sure the kinds of toys you provide are easy for your toddler and preschooler to “share”–blocks, Lego, markers, playdough, books. Or just head OUT side and you’ll find way less conflict to occur!

Stepping up family time when your elementary child is on the receiving end of unkind remarks, of not being invited to birthday parties, is left out of play on the playground–step up family time, do more together, let your child experience positive and kind and fun with YOU until they are ready to reach out once again to another. What a way to respect their struggle without communicating that you have to fix it for them–and instead communicating your confidence in their ability to move through it well.

For homework…creating a comfortable, un-distracted time each day for doing homework, perhaps snack included…

Ideas include:

Making it a time of connection and presence. Maybe by sitting with your child, or busily working nearby. I often got kitchen work done while my girls sat nearby doing their homework. Kept me tuned in and available if they needed help.

Asking your child questions rather than telling them what to do. “Tough one, hmmm? What have you tried so far?” “What would happen if you tried adding, first, then doing the other part of the problem?”

Trusting their ability to learn rather than “making sure they do.” Now they can call learning their own. THIS empowers.

Having a routine in place each evening or morning that makes it easier for them to remember to gather all their work together–and letting go of whether they remember or not. Now they can own the result of this choice when they get to school and realize they’ve forgotten their work…

For all those uncomfortable feelings…the ones we’d like our children never to experience for it hurts us so much…

Try things such as:

Creating a space they can feel safe in, loved in, heard in. Physical or emotional one. My girls and I would snuggle on our big poof chair (think beanbag filled with foam). We’d squish in together, sit side by side, and feelings would pour out. A young boy I know feels best in his room. He can get out all kinds of MAD there and know it is okay.

Being the calm and connected parent alongside them in their great big sad, affirming, maybe asking questions but mostly listening. And rubbing backs, sometimes. Hugs welcomed often.

Exploring with them how something feels, what they think another felt, what could help in these situations. Exploring rather than making. Letting go of “solving the problem” and instead be curious and explore. That’s all.

What does all this require from us?

Patience. Trust in our children and the process growth is. Calm confidence in just what we intend to grow. Understanding and knowledge of child development. Support. The ability to PAUSE and calm ourselves. Our OWN growth. Self-care so we can be all these things.

It requires us managing our own feelings–especially our anxiety. Taking care of our anxiety so it doesn’t lead the way and have us “making our kids” rather than guiding and influencing our kids. Now that’s relationship building! Taking care of our anxiety so our kids can, too. Taking care of our anxiety so we can relax, trust our child’s growth process, focus on how capable and competent they can be, and let go of having it OUR way so they can find THEIR way.

Now our children have the opportunity to grow as capable,

competent, confident souls for they can take responsibility for themselves, be in charge of what they think, feel, and do, know more clearly from the inside out what they are all about.

Today…PAUSE. Focus on yourself in whatever situation you find yourself trying to “make your kids” do something. Tap into your calm, confident self. Know that you can create the environment that is going to support your child’s growth as one amazing individual. Let this communicate your confidence in your child’s growing abilities–what an empowering message to a child when a parent exhibits trust and confidence in them–especially as their child struggles.

Respect the process growth is.

Here’s to you today,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

PAUSE. It Counts; It Connects.

July 25, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

Pausing isn’t just for heated moments. It isn’t just for when you are in the midst of a conflict.

Pausing can be a way of life that influences EVERY thing you do in life affirming and meaningful ways.

Here’s a story for you that I’m sure you can relate to…

Your hands are a-flying as you stand, or rather dance about, at the kitchen counter, packing lunches, cooking breakfast, hollering over you shoulder to remind the kids to “Get dressed!”, “Pack your bag!”, “Would someone please let the dog in?!!”

Kids are tumbling around each other, “Hey! MOOOVE! MOM, make her STOP!”, “I can’t find my bag!”, “The dog already IS in!” Or maybe, as you toss directions and pleas over your shoulder there is a general silence or “Sure mom”‘s tossed back with no follow through for your child is plugged in to a show or video game or maybe even (hopefully?!) a good book, like my daughter often was.

You scramble to finish up, admonishing the kids for arguing, talking back, dragging their toes, losing their bag, ignoring you as they watched a show, played a game, read a book. You finally get everything together, kids included, and you all pile out the door and into the car, off to wherever you are heading–most likely late and exhausted, because really YOU had to do most of everything once again this morning. Including breaking up fights and going on bag hunts, and letting the dog BACK out and in once again.

Whew. You finally drop the kids off and feel like you can at least breathe again. Most days feel like this–GO GO GO, arguing and scrambling until you finally can stop. Briefly. When you have a moment to reflect, you WISH things could go smoother, your kids would cooperate and help out more often, these GO GO GO experiences were minimal rather than the norm. Oh if ONLY…

Enter PAUSE.

It really can change things in amazing ways–both momentarily and in the long term. What exactly does a PAUSE look like at these times? What exactly can it DO? Let’s replay it a bit:

Your hands are a-flying as you stand, or rather dance about, at the kitchen counter, packing lunches, cooking breakfast, hollering over you shoulder to remind the kids to, “Get dressed!”, “Pack your bag!”, “Would someone please let the dog in?”

Kids are tumbling around each other, “Hey! MOOOVE! MOM, make her STOP!”, “I can’t find my bag!”, “The dog already IS in!” ….

Here is where a PAUSE can make a real difference.

Instead of continuing to scramble and holler over your

shoulder and solve issues yourself, you still your flying hands, lean on the kitchen counter, close your eyes, and BREATHE.

Breathe in deeply, breathe out. Three times in a row can make an incredible difference. And then you turn around and LOOK.

You notice just exactly what is going on, who is fighting, who is ignoring, whether the dog is in or out, bags being packed. Maybe you’ve practiced this kind of pausing often enough that you find your eyes have a bit of a twinkle going and a little smile playing on your lips. Maybe not. Either way, you take a moment to look and notice.

You notice how lost in a good book your child is or how her eyes are glued to a video game. You notice the frustration on one child’s face as she is trying ever so hard to get her sibling to stop poking and bugging her. You notice that the dog IS in and your son is looking at you as if you JUST don’t GET it–of COURSE he heard the dog and let him in!

It is from this place that you can more likely interact in such a way that your children feel a warm and understanding connection with you. And with that in place, they are more likely going to step up and participate in more positive ways. Because YOU are taking the moment to really look and notice. Why? Keep reading…

Maybe you…

…go to your child immersed in the video game and put your hand on their shoulder and say, “I can tell you are having fun. It is time to stop and get ready to leave.”

…sit next to your lost-in-a-good-book child and as he looks up at you you can actually smile and ask what part he’s reading right now. Then remind him that it is time to head out and you need his cooperation. (It can feel like a big ask of you when time is of essence, and yet…this bit of a pause next to your child? It really takes but seconds.)

…look at your frustrated son with dog already in and say, “I’m sorry! I thought I was the only one who heard the dog at the door! I’m so glad you did, too. Thank you.”

…find yourself going up to your arguing children and putting a hand on each of them, and give them a moment to spill it all out to you. Then maybe all you say is, “I know you don’t like to be poked; I know you find it funny to poke. Now it is time to head out. I really need your help in getting things together…”

MAYBE your kids still argue, push back, ignore. Maybe you’ll still find yourself doing the bulk of the work. But here’s the deal. The more you take the moment to PAUSE, look, notice, and connect? The sooner your children will step up, cooperate, be willing and involved in the GO GO GO preparations. Maybe you are thinking, HA as IF I have time to slow down even the tiny bit you are asking! And that is where the paradox can lie with a PAUSE. It seems to take a bit more time, and then you discover how much better you can feel–and end up doing so much more or perhaps being content with what you DO get done 🙂

The more you take the moment to PAUSE, the more

likely you will influence your children, yourself, your days in

calming, positive, productive ways. And THIS

makes parenting a bit easier…

So now, when you DO have a GO GO GO that just feels crummy all over again? It will be few and far between. Tip the balance today and weave a PAUSE into your full-speed-ahead mode. I know you will discover a kind of difference to your day that can leave you smiling!

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Story Time! Dancing Bears vs Dinosaur Builders…

July 22, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you…

A four-year-old little boy. A “toy” laptop. A library book about dinosaurs and a construction site. And me, visiting for a brief time while his dad and my husband check out some work they are doing in their house.

Out comes the laptop, on it goes, ***beep beep beep***, flashing dancing bear figures, singing the ABC’s, “talking” to Mr. Four. If you are one of my regular followers than you already know how I feel about screen technology and young children–even if it is a “toy.” So now you’ll be proud of me–I paused…

I waited and watched to see what captured Mr. Four’s attention with this “laptop.” He danced, wiggled, never really looked at the screen and the flashing images, just sort of physically reacted to it. He grinned when it said his name. He very much “showed it off” to me–“Look what I have! A laptop!” So busy looking towards ME to see how I’d react to HIM.

Now the experiment began (though I was pretty sure I knew what would happen). I reached for the dinosaur library book and began turning the pages. Quietly. Mr. Four charged right over to me, stood with legs planted firmly to the floor (where did all the wiggles go?), and began to pore over the book. We took it, page by page, with the attempt to read the story–but Mr. Four? Oh, he had other ideas.

He told ME everything that was happening, found all the funny things going on, named every piece of equipment. He turned the pages back and forth, discovering, exploring, considering. Obviously he has had this book read to him many times over. Lovely.

He used his fingers to trace different pictures. He talked endlessly. He listened with care when I DID get to read parts of the story. When we “finished” the book he went right back to flipping the pages to find the Backhoe, the Scoop Shovel, the dinosaur with the flat bill, the favorite lunch box of the construction guys, the mustard squirting out from a sandwich…

Mr. Four was absorbed by the book.

We talked and shared and laughed. He was on his OWN time with it–deciding for himself when to turn pages, what to talk about. He was sharing HIS ideas and funny stories. We felt totally connected and wrapped up in our little world of construction sites and dinosaurs. We were discovering together.

Think about this–the contrast between the electronic device and a book.

The device? It was busy telling Mr. Four what to do and how to do it and when to do it.

Mr. Four could push buttons and wiggle his body and delight in hearing the device talk to him. He had little to say about it…just sort of delighted in the entertainment of it. There may be some value in that…

The book? It engaged both of us in a relationship.

It sparked incredible imagination. It encouraged thinking. It nurtured self-direction–a child deciding on his own what to think and do and when to do it. It was three dimensional. It was sensory and language rich–sight, touch, smell, hearing…and oh, the words and conversation it sparked!

THIS is what grows a healthy brain. A child ready and eager to learn. Relationships that can thrive…relationships that provide the solid foundation for a child to grow well.

And I know from many years of experience, the impact of the book ripples out in amazing ways–I remember well how my own daughters would take marker to paper and be inspired to “write” or draw their own stories…they’d take the story of the book and expand it in ways that always surprised me. Or they’d create costumes and act out the book…or become one of the characters and pretend all day long…like my eldest did when she decided she was “Skunkie” and happily “sprayed” us all day long (she was four, as well…) And then they’d pick up the book once again, snuggle down on the couch or in my lap, and want to read it all over again.

I vote for the book any time. I encourage you to do the same.

Instead of handing an electronic device over to distract your child or fill their time, consider first reading them something. Or handing them a book, instead. Or a pile of books! For now you can be sure you are supporting the growth of just what you want the most–a child whose creative, imaginative, focused and engaged, self-directed and independent soul is being nurtured in rich ways. A child whose brain is growing optimally. A child who is eager to learn.

Mr. Four and I had to be done with our story, it was time for me to go. He willingly chose two more things to find in the book–with delight and eagerness–and then his silly dinosaur self wrestled me to the door to pull on all my winter gear so I could head home. What a deposit into a warm and lovely relationship. What a difference this can make.

My story of contrast for you. May it encourage you to continue keeping the magic world of books up front and center in your home. May it remind you of all the healthy and positive growth possible as you, very simply, read with your child.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”

July 18, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A Papa shared this story with me of recent. It warmed my heart and delighted me–because he discovered how powerful a simple PAUSE can be. Here is his story:

“I want to share with you a moment of PAUSE:

My wife and our two boys (a toddler and soon-to-be-five-year-old) are just outside our kitchen with bedtime well past due–but everyone seems to still be doing well enough 🙂

I’m in the fridge and cleaning something spilled long ago–oh those sticky messes we can ignore for far too long! I had noted the half filled cup of milk on the top shelf, but alas–I still managed to make it topple from the shelf where it tipped and poured what quickly seemed much more than just half a glass…

With a groan of dismay and the look-about for where to start in order to clean up this new mess, Mr. Nearly Five says, “Well you just wasted that milk.”

Tired after an eventful day, eager to be in bed myself, yet further away from that goal with this new found delay…I found all my self frustration was immediately misplaced and focused on Mr. Nearly Five. I was about to send him to his room with a finger already pointing at him when a PAUSE let me realize how misplaced that frustration was and allowed me to verbalize (finger now merely bobbing) “That was not a very nice thing to say…”

My wife finished the into-bed-shuffle and I got to think (while cleaning up my mess) on what my son had said and why it was so bothersome. I recognized he was using words both my wife and I have used when indeed the kids have been wasteful or things carelessly spilled. It was very nice to get to think on The What of what just happened rather than dwell on The How it played out–all because of my PAUSE.

Best of it all was being able to go say goodnight and talk over The What that happened with my Mr. Nearly Five Year Old who said he thought I did “a good job using my words” to tell him how I was feeling. He seemed to understand the difference between explaining that something is wasteful and recognizing when accidents happen–and how it’s better to ask if help is needed.

It was a proud parenting moment and in talking with my wife about it, the only word I had to describe it was ‘pause,’ Alice’s PAUSE.” (A Proud Papa)

Here’s what I want this Papa to know:

What a wonderful, meaningful story–thank you for taking time to share with me . PAUSE at its very best, for instead of a relationship-depleting moment, it became ever-so-relationship BUILDING. Both you and your son had an opportunity to grow just a little bit more and in such a respectful way–all due to a PAUSE that gives time for listening and learning. For BOTH of you.

Today, I encourage each of you to discover what works to create a PAUSE as you feel your buttons pushed, the heat rising, the finger pointing and you ready to scold, blame, holler.

Know that all my work centers around this life-skill–be encouraged as you peruse my work, take a look at my books, find yourself recognizing when YOU exercise your PAUSE muscle just a bit more. What we focus on grows 🙂

With JOY and appreciation to this Papa and all of you,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

MORE of What TO Do Instead of Screens

June 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I’ve come to understand many of you only know devices as the go-to solution for occupying your kids when needed. It has become the default, so as I talk about how LESS screen is much healthier, many of you struggle with just what TO do. I want to share ideas for you as you consider pausing before handing your child a digital device and considering what else you CAN do.

I feel quite lucky that when I was parenting younger kids all there was device-wise was TV (and that wasn’t all that long ago!). There are so many things we did for our children that now is replaced by a device. All that ultimately does for many children is displace the kind of learning that can grow them in optimal ways and this makes YOUR job as a parent even harder. Those devices when over-used? They seem to make things easier in the moment…until, of course, you try to take it away or tell your child they are done 🙂 And in the long run it makes everything so much harder, for your kids aren’t learning how to manage themselves, how to BE in long lines, car rides, the post office, the grocery store, on airplanes…

Instead of learning how to control themselves, it seems the devices are doing it for them. All this says to your child is, “You need this device in order to be in control…” Not what any of us really want in the long run–for our child to seek outside influences in order to feel in control of themselves. Think peer pressure. Unwanted sexual experiences. Drugs. Alcohol.

So what CAN you do? Oh so much! Ideas for you at home…

Have a selection of books and/or toys or other special items saved JUST for the times you need space the most. My own mother had what she called a Gift Box–and she’d go dig in it and come up with an activity book or little matchbox car…something that was new to us. Worked every time for engaging us when she needed it the most.

Keep about half the general collection of toys in your house put away and out of sight. This worked spectacularly for us–we could rotate toys periodically, and presto! New all over to them! Amazing how, after not seeing something for a number of weeks, a child’s play with a toy changes and re-engages them in new ways. Sort of fun to watch.

How about a box with a few favorite books and special toys tucked inside? A friend has one. Out comes the box just when she needs to focus on something that requires kids out of the way. The kids know this is a Special Box and is used only for Special Times…nothing in it requires adult supervision, which is key 🙂

Know that a toddler will be fascinated with a saucepan, spoon, a measuring cup, lid. Maybe add a bit of water for stirring. You’ll get a few extra minutes and maybe more as the play expands–and you can easily add a bit of food to mix in if desired, or a doll and washcloth, or maybe a towel spread on floor with extra cups, scoops, maybe an empty ice-cube tray and let them fill and dump to their hearts content. Need something a bit drier? Try an empty Kleenex box stuffed with just about anything and hand to your young toddler. Or a full Kleenex box to have fun pulling out the tissues one at a time… 🙂

Pull out the “old fashioned” telephone. I know a few little boys who LOVE to pretend to call the doctor on their old telephone…BRRRRRING! BRRRRING! Give them a crayon or pencil and a pile of sticky notes. Let the play begin. This paper and crayon or pencil? It works well while riding in the grocery cart 🙂 Remember cardboard boxes…of any and all sizes. They make fantastic play-on-your-own experiences. All you have to do is occasionally add something new inside the Box Fort–sleeping bag, flashlights, a pile of stuffed critters, a shoe box full of stickers and markers…

Know that a preschooler can take an apron and it can become a cape and OFF they’ll fly around the room...or will love being given a selection of ingredients to go mix and pour on their own–we did this. It would take me just a minute to set up a tray with bowl, spoon, and about 6 different “ingredients” such as water, oil, oatmeal, food coloring (depending on age!), vinegar, baking soda, seasonings I used rarely…and my girls would spend up to half-an-hour mixing and mixing, A “delicious recipe” for eyes and noses ONLY!

Throw a blanket over a table or across a few chairs and let your child know in a secret voice, “It’s your FORT. I wonder how many of your stuffed guys will join you in there?” So often it is just how you say something that can capture a child’s attention and get their imagination going. Use your voice. Sing, whisper, be conspiratorial. Amazing what can happen for creating time for YOU.

What about at the grocery store, or the post-office, or in a L-O-N-G line at DMV or the airport or ANY where? What about during your dentist appointment, at the bank, or anywhere else you head with child in hand?

Ideas for you on-the-go:

***Always carry snacks. Kids get hungry and grumpy when waits are extra long. A collection of raisins and fish crackers (or whatever you choose…) can occupy their little fingers at length AND take the edge off of hunger.

***Involve your child. Have them help you find things in the grocery store, fill the bag with apples, get excited about choosing the cereal. One mama I know let her son know he could choose a toy from the toy aisle to hold during their grocery store trip, and then when finished, they would return the toy to the shelf “with all its friends” and wave good bye. My girls liked to bring their Special Guys with them–Kitty and Grand Champion (horse). They talked to them, showed them things, included them in our errands just as I included my girls.

***Be sure to do errands with your child when you DO feel patient so they can learn from a calm and present parent. The more you can do this, the less trouble you’ll have during the times you have to swing by the store following daycare pick up and a long day at work. Think about this–your child cannot learn how to BE in a bank or store or anywhere if you just hand them a digital device to occupy them.

Then as they grow, it just gets tougher and tougher, for they don’t have the ability to wait in line, to look around and talk about things, to know how to exchange money or choose stamps or mail a package or count down until your number is called…

***Instead of plunking your child in front of the child’s TV in the bank (I really do not like how more institutions are supplying screens for children, rather than a pile of books…and yes, I say something to the managers quite regularly!), carry them on up to the counter, talk to them about what the teller is doing, let them hand over the check, let them receive the receipt. Name all the interesting things around–“He has a much BIGGER computer than ours at home.” “Look! Type type type and then whir whir whir and out comes our receipt!” “Would you like to show the teller what we brought to the bank for her to take care of?” There is SO much learning to be done when we choose to involve our kids in our day to day tasks and errands…

***Instead of trying extra hard to keep your child still and quiet in that long line in the post office, consider letting them explore a bit. Perhaps let them look through the display windows at all the colorful stamps; maybe play a bit of I Spy with them. Let them hold the letters or package to be mailed. Sing quietly to them. We found singing to work wonders in so many situations. Again, talk about all the things you see. Show them how to take Flat Rate Boxes off the shelf and then slide them back on again. Let them look at the cards for sale–show them how to be gentle, to slide them back where they belong. INVOLVE your children.

***In the back seat of the car have books and a few other favorite small items available. Engage them out the window. Find the back hoe, the raven on the telephone wire, the firetruck whizzing by. Again, sing. Or play music or an audio book. As they get older, give them car-games to play like finding all the letters of the alphabet as they pass by signs or as many different license plates as possible. Keeping track of finding each state’s license plate if you live in the USA is lots of fun for kids of many ages.

These are just some of the endless number of ideas I and others have that I encourage you to try FIRST, prior to handing your child a device. Save those for special times–for when you have absolutely NO patience or where-with-all left. Now they don’t interrupt healthy development, for they are used rarely. Like TV for us. We kept it to 30 minutes a day–and often never watched any. My girls sometimes “saved up” their minutes to watch more on other days…those days when I needed it the most 🙂

Share what works in your family as you move through your busy days without defaulting to screens very often. No one has to re-invent the wheel as they scramble for ways to occupy their child, or ways to involve their child. Let’s share what works and encourage each other! It really does take a village to support a parent so they can parent well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Story of Boys and their Wiggles…

June 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of wiggles for you…

A 6.5-year-old little boy. A favorite babysitter who picked him up from school EARLY so they could have an afternoon together before she went back to college. Lucky boy. Lucky babysitter!

And then the wiggles.

You know, the perpetual motion, jumping, kicking, “look at the karate I can do” as this terrific 6.5-year-old thrust out his arms, kicked his legs, and found himself on the other end of the room to turn around and thrust and kick and “do karate!” all over again. Then the mini-tramp and great big poof chair and the jumping, diving, plopping, rolling that they seem to invite. Even as invitations to make chocolate and banana pancakes were extended the wiggles took over.

Sound familiar? Maybe you even wonder if your child can even SIT still for any moment at all. Or maybe you hear from your child’s teacher how your child “needs to learn to sit still and listen better” or to “keep their hands and feet to themselves” or “he just needs to focus better…”

Back to my story. This little guy? After an hour of perpetual motion (including inhaling his banana/chocolate pancakes), of being given the respect and space and time for getting all his wiggles out, of focusing ON HIS WIGGLES (there’s that attention span–his focus was on movement, at length and with great intensity), he was offered up a maze book to read with his favorite babysitter and for the next 30 minutes there they were, stretched out on the floor, totally engrossed in mazes and stories, the only wiggles now being expressed by his toes as the two of them traced their fingers, laughed, studied their books.

And then downstairs they went to get lost in Lego building. The quiet, the focus, the creations. Again, focus, “sitting still,” conversation shared and delighted in. Together.

Why am I sharing this?

Because so many parents of young boys share their frustrations of the seeming inability of their little guys to focus, sit, listen.

They feel pressure from school to “get their kids to do so.” Teachers have greater pressure all the time to “get kids to sit still” so they can do their work. I’m not going to delve into the frustrations of all as we push academics down into younger years, but I do want to take a look at the wiggles…

I want to encourage each of you to look at the perpetual motion AS focused attention. Your child is putting all their attention on the movement they need the most.

This is to be appreciated and encouraged and given the opportunity it needs.

And I want to encourage each of you to look for those times your child DOES “sit still” and listen, focus on a quieter or more involved activity, get immersed in intricate Lego building or books or drawing or play dough or scissors or lining up cars or…

Look for it. Notice when this kind of “sitting still” happens–what precedes it, what your involvement is (if any), what captures your child’s attention the most.

My wiggle story? It is all about how essential movement is in order to foster the “sitting still and listening” many of us want more of.

And to acknowledge it AS focused attention can perhaps change how we view it. Instead of seeing it as displacing focused attention, we can now embrace it as nurturing focused attention.

Today, look to where your child involves him or herself fully. Whether it is movement or books or building or listening or testing you over and over and over (focused on getting YOUR attention!). Notice and appreciate the focus that whatever they are doing requires. Affirm it out loud when appropriate. Pay attention to what works to then move into the quieter focused activities.

Give your child lots of practice at and time with both–movement and stillness (and screen time does not count–it more often undermines the ability to sit and listen at length, truly. That’s another post to write!). Even if the “sitting still and listening” lasts just a few minutes, notice and affirm. What we focus on grows.

Back to the babysitter and 6.5-year-old. They said their good-byes to each other. Hugs and karate chops and promises of amazing pictures to be mailed back and forth. This parting of ways has gone on for 4 years…it is with incredible joy that I get to watch their relationship flourish. And to watch our 6.5-year-old friend grow himself in such wonderfully delightful ways!

Celebrate the wiggles today! And enjoy another wiggles post here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/21/noticed-and-appreciated-wiggles-and-giggles/
Alice

Author and PCI Certified Parent Coach®

Transitions. They Sure Can Be Tough!

June 16, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Turning Five. Finishing preschool. Moving to a new home. Saying goodbye to grandpa and grandma. Leaving for vacation. A new babysitter. A new sibling! Feeling better after an illness. Heading to a new school. New growth and stage…

What do these all have in common? Transition. And boy, can transitions cause real disruption for young children–sometimes just the daily transition out the door. I asked a friend whose little boy is turning five what she’d like me to address in my post, and she said, “big changes.”

She’s noticed, as her son finishes preschool and looks forward to his birthday how he has been having a tougher time of recent–you know, acting up a bit more, emotions a higher intensity, testing with more gusto, having a harder time making choices. I asked what it is she (mom) is doing that is helping the most as her son faces his big changes. And she said, “Listening.” YES. A PAUSE of sorts, this listening. Maybe it doesn’t lessen the tougher time, but it sure makes it more likely your child can move through it for they feel heard.

Big Changes. Growth. Transitions.

They require listening–with care, with compassion, with your eyes and ears open to just what is turning your child’s crank. They require stability, predictable routines and rhythm, a calm and consistent parent. They require knowing what to expect ahead of time, empathy, understanding, awareness. And the ability to let go and be flexible 🙂

What can you do to help your child through any transition?

Become even more consistent and predictable with the routines you can keep in place. These act as the stable foundation from which a child can better manage big change–any change.

You already know how bedtime has its predictable routine in place–brush teeth, potty, jammies on, 3 books, tuck you in, sing you a song, turn on your night light, give you 17 kisses and one for your nose, and good night 🙂

Or maybe it is your routine for getting out the door that actually works well. Family dinner may be in place with everyone knowing just what to expect–no digital devices at the table, conversation, sitting together.

Perhaps it is the goodbye you do as you separate from your child at daycare each day–you have a routine of hanging things up in their cubby together, choosing one thing to play, and then blowing kisses out the door.

As our kids face bigger changes, it is these routines and rhythms that start meaning even more. If you are facing a bigger change and your child is reacting, look to where you can increase predictability for them–it communicates ‘safe and secure’ to children and leaves them in a position to better manage the change.

Things you might find yourself saying include:

“When your new babysitter comes, you are going to have macaroni and cheese and then go walk the dog together, just like with your old sitter.”

“After your nap we will be piling in the car to head to the airport and get on the jet that will take us to Grandma!”

“At grandma’s you’ll sleep in a bed next to your brother. You can choose the special guys you want to take to snuggle in the bed with you.”

“You are sad about saying goodbye to all your preschool friends. We are planning on seeing them at the park next Tuesday, just like always!”

“Let’s go into your new classroom together and see the cubby it has to hang up your coat and put your backpack in. And when it is time for me to say goodbye, I will stop at the window to blow you kisses, just like I did at your old school!”

Things you might do:

***Make sure bed or nap time includes as much as the same routine they are used to no matter where you are. Maybe all you can keep the same is the special stuffed guy who sleeps with your child, or maybe it is that you can still read 3 books–no matter what it is you maintain, make an intentional effort to do something.

***Be even more intentional about honoring feelings–naming them, listening to your child, being close if necessary. Transitions can cause all kinds of upset that, once it is appreciated, can calm down.

***Reinstate routines as your child gets well from an illness (assuming the illness threw a number of your routines right out the window)–slowly bring back the bed/meal/daycare rhythm you had prior to the illness–this can make all the difference in life flowing once again, it can comfort a child as they move from feeling yucky to themselves again–“Whew, life hasn’t changed too much! It all feels regular again.”

***Stay calm and consistent with all your responses–even more so at times of disruption. The calmer you ride the wave of big change, the sooner your child can adjust–and just think of the role modeling you are doing! It communicates “Mom and Dad can handle it, no matter what.” It communicates just how change can best be met–giving them the framework for coping with future change in their lives.

***Offer up things your child can expect that might interest them–like the bookshelf daddy is going to build for their new bedroom or the great big laugh to listen for from Grandpa when he meets you at the airport. Putting your child’s attention to something that you know will peak her curiosity can help you ride through some of the other hard parts of a transition. And then follow through with what you’ve promised. “Okay! Let’s march off the plane and see who can hear Grandpa’s laugh!” “It’s hard to pack all your books in the boxes. You know the bookshelf you and daddy made? It is waiting for you in your new bedroom and once we are there, we can fill it with all of these books (and maybe use the boxes to build a fort 🙂 )!”

***Take care of YOU. Deposit into your Self-Care-Savings Account often. Discover what you can do, just for you, that only takes a short time. These deposits add up and help you with the patience, resilience, creativity necessary for helping your child move through Big Changes.

Just a few thoughts and ideas for you. I’m sure you have many examples you can share. The key? Being calm and consistent. Finding the predictable routine within the change that you can do. Emphasize it–no matter how small–for it is what young children need to face change that can rock their boat. Let them be able to count on you, on something in their day, on a choice they get no matter what. Now they’ve been given a gift of strength to help them carry on through any change.

And as my friend said, listen. Listen and watch and notice what is working for your little one to move through a transition well (which doesn’t always equate to ‘calmly’!). Notice what works to help them, notice what surprises you about their ability to move through the change. And especially notice, as life settles once again, just how your child has grown as a result.

Big change. Transitions. A part of the rest of our lives.

Make your child’s experience one they can grow from, one they can take into their future and be able to greet any change with the inner strength we all need to do it well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Can I Have a Do-Over?!

June 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“Oh, if only I could have a ‘do-over!'”

Can I rewind and take back those hurtful words that came flying out of my mouth as you dug your heels in and used THAT tone of voice with me? Oh how I wish I could!

Can I rewind and try something different that won’t have you ending up in a puddle of a meltdown in the middle of…(fill in the blank)? Being embarrassed is NO fun, and watching you struggle so leaves me feeling so sad…

Can we please start over with our family adventure so we can choose differently and not end up angry and tense and upset with each other? It all just feels crummy and that is not how I want our family time to be.

How often do you wish for a ‘do-over?’ Weekly? Daily? Hourly?! I remember sending my girls off to school after a Less-Than-Fun-Morning, then feeling guilty all day long…

It is easy to feel the guilt…to hit ourselves over the head over and over again as we re-live the yuck we allowed to happen, telling ourselves the “I shoulds, if onlys, I’m an awful parent.”

What would it be like to know these ‘do-overs’ you wish for can become a truly productive and ultimately wonderful launching place for just what you want more of–relationship building, truly win-win, even joyful experiences?

Give yourself the gift and grace of PAUSE–even if it is after the blow-up, and especially when you have finally calmed down. PAUSE, think through what could have been different if you had felt calm–or at least ‘acted-as-if’ you felt calm. What might you have done or said differently? How might the experience have looked with your calm in place?

When I can create this PAUSE, I find I can see more clearly what I could have said to my child (and have to stop myself from falling into that guilty place of why I DIDN’T say these things!).

I can see more clearly how I could have been more able to listen and hear what she had to say. My child could then feel respected and cared for because I listened…what a difference that could make!

I feel I could slow myself down and pay closer attention to what she is really trying to say. And maybe, just maybe the situation would not have blown.

Take time to think about how feeling calmer and more at ease in your Do-Over would have changed things. Then take a moment to recognize where you HAVE been even a little bit successful with doing so. Because you HAVE. Plenty of times. They just go unnoticed by you because, well, everything went smoothly!

The more we affirm ourselves, look to where

we have felt better about our own behavior, the more

encouraged we can feel.

Key for shelving the guilt and relating from a productive and healthy place.

The cool thing? Each time you walk yourself through a mental do-over you are strengthening the muscles necessary for doing it this way in real time. Really. Those do-overs…mistakes…”I wish-should have-maybe next times” all become key practice in strengthening just what you want more of.

They are a gift rather than a failure.

Let go of the guilt as best you can. I like to “shelve” my guilty feelings up high in my mind’s eye and tell them to stay put until I’m ready to deal with them 🙂 and do your best to welcome each opportunity as the gift it is–a chance to grow, become better, deposit into your relationships, feel confident in your parenting.

Practice. That is what parenting is all about. A constant practice.

There will come a time when you will have fewer and fewer ‘do-overs’ to think through–you CAN feel calm, connected, and confident on a regular basis. Life will feel better. YOU will feel better and your children and relationships will benefit greatly. This is the power of PAUSE. And when things do head south–for they will—you will feel steadier, clearer, better.

And the guilt? It gets rather dusty from lack of attention… 🙂

How cool is that?
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Making a Real Difference, Meltdowns and All

June 10, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A favorite story to share…

Four-year-old twins, a boy and girl. A busy store. Two parents and a list of things to get. Here’s what caught my attention:

The little boy getting a hold of an item and starting to take it out of its package–mom knelt gently in front of him, placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Son, in a store we keep things in their packages until we buy them. That’s the rule. Can you put it back, please?” And then, upon refusal of her son, she carefully took it from his hands and placed it back where it belonged. Her son began to fuss…

I so appreciated her respectful, gentle approach that I kept my eye on what was unfolding from there. Yes, I watch. I watch because I enjoy noticing what is working for parents and children, I enjoy actively appreciating a parent’s efforts–more on that later.

The next thing I noticed:

The family in line, putting items up on the counter for the cashier…the little girl was happily saying, “Daddy, can I help carry things?”

The little boy–already a bit out of sorts with having to stop dismantling packaged items 🙂 –was doing the four-year-old whine. “I want that! I want it n-o-wwww!” Still on the quiet side, but a definite whine, fuss, discontentment. Dad reached down and picked him up–creating just the connection his little boy needed–and held him as they continued with unloading the cart. The boy got a little louder with his “I want…give it baaacckkk…”

Dad looked at mom and said quietly, “What would you like me to do?” Mom said, “Head on out with him.” And out of the store dad and four-year-old went, Mr. Four now increasing in volume as he realized he was getting further from what he wanted.

Yes, I followed–the sunshine felt good as I was waiting for my husband back in the store. So I followed and watched this wonderful exchange from a distance. Dad calmly carried his now writhing son over to their car and paused by the door, talking quietly. He put his son down…and the boy promptly did jello legs and collapsed on the ground–yet still rather subdued with his whining. Dad picked him up and opened the car and tucked him in–calmly, patiently.

Enter mom. She appeared outdoors with her daughter–and here is my favorite part. I tapped her on the shoulder and said,

“I want you to know I’ve enjoyed watching your twins. I so appreciate how calm and patient you both are with your son–I know how tough it can be and I saw how much of a difference it made for your little boy.”

And she beamed.

We then spent the next few minutes sharing 4-year-old antics and their BIG feelings, how hard this stage is with her twins–she spoke of the challenges as well as the joy. We spoke of the importance of calm connection and consistent follow-through in order to help a child really learn. We spoke of the message their calm gives–that their children can count on them to keep it together even when they (the children) cannot. And this is why her son never really lost it–because they kept it together. Now he had the opportunity to really learn just a little bit more about managing himself–in a store, with dad, on his own. Truly awesome.

We parted with me sharing how this had put a smile on my face, with her sharing how encouraging it is to be actively appreciated.

And this is what I encourage each of you to do this week–actively appreciate another. Whether it is a parent with an acting out child, a parent getting real joy out of an exchange, a child who is working hard at being a great helper, a child who is struggling with a sibling or an activity. Take a moment to watch, to encourage, to say, “I noticed. Kudos to you!”

We all need encouragement and to be appreciated. And I bet you will discover and enjoy the smile it’ll put on your face and in your heart as you do so. What a way to go through our days.

What a way to grow connected, joyful, meaningful relationships.

What a way to live.

Another favorite story of the power of calm connection is right here for you: Pick Me Up Now!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Keeping Our Children Safe

June 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Consider these…

Your baby begins to pull up and travel a bit around furniture and all of a sudden his little hands can reach those fragile items, the knives in the drawer, the tantalizing pot burbling away atop the hot stove.

Whew! Quick! If you haven’t already now it IS time to baby proof–to think about and then act upon putting the fragile items up high, poisons and sharp knives behind locked doors and drawers or whatever works in your family to keep Baby safe, healthy, growing strong. And you do so.

And as Baby grows, you get busy showing her how to stay back from the hot oven as you open it, to carefully stir the oatmeal in the pot on the stove alongside you, to use first a butter knife to practice cutting until you are confident she can handle a small sharp knife. You TEACH. Safety skills for keeping your little one safe, healthy, growing strong–and learning!

Your five-year-old happily dumps her thousands of Lego blocks all over the floor to immerse herself in building and creating.

Uh-oh! New development in your home. Your 15-month-old wants to be right in the middle of all those small and choke-able items. Quick! Figure out a new way for Lego to be played so your little one CAN be safe, healthy, growing strong. Maybe Miss Five can play with them up on the table, or behind closed doors. Maybe, as you think about ideas, you can just be sure to be right there with your young toddler to show him just what he CAN play with, put in his mouth, or how Lego blocks can be used. What a way to keep your little one safe, healthy, growing strong. Think of all the learning!

Because you are quite clear about keeping your child SAFE as you unload from your parked car on a busy street or in a busy parking lot…

…you’ve thought ahead about grabbing that grocery cart before unbuckling anybody, or having your backpack ready to roll for your child to load up in, or talking ahead of time about holding hands or being carried. You’ve thought about it and are purposeful with just what you do. Including being gently firm with your dash-away-from-you toddler 🙂 Teaching, guiding, and learning that will keep your child safe, healthy, growing strong.

We are quite good at taking care with how we handle the above kinds of situations and many more along our journeys as parents. Sometimes after the fact a bit, sometimes ahead of time–and either way, we’ve thought a bit or for a while; we’ve become intentional with what we do.

We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.

It’s so darn overwhelming, isn’t it? And yet, look at all we already do with care and purpose in order to keep our children safe, healthy, growing strong and learning. Let’s look at how we can do so with technology, as well. Because really, there will be times when we are exhausted, sick, tending to a sick one, talking at length with Grandma who is having real troubles, frying up meat that is spattering oil all over the kitchen and kids just CAN’T be underfoot. We have to have something to entertain our kids in these moments that is quick and easy (if they are unable to entertain themselves…). And our default these days are iPhones, video games, iPads, shows to watch, and on and on.

Thoughts for you as you become purposeful and thoughtful about just what IS safe and healthy for your child…

***Choose Apps with care. Be sure there is no marketing of products to your child. Be sure there is no violence or other inappropriate content. Be sure you are comfortable with the story-line, the game, whether there is an ability to drift off onto the internet into unknown territory…

***Think about the content of anything you let your child watch, “do”, play with--does it support the kind of relationships you want them to be exposed to? Does it represent healthy ways to live and be? Is it something that spurs real conversation within your family?

***Consider audio books for your child to listen to…or books on the iPad that are used only in those moments of exhaustion, illness, cooking fatty meat on the stove 🙂 When your child gets them only at these times, they become special–and something that truly engages them just when you need it the most.

Or maybe just have a box of books or special items saved for just these moments. That’s what we did…and it works.

***Consider behavior following device use. Are they acting out? Scared? Worried? Discover why. Ask about what they saw. Let it guide YOU in considering, again with purpose, what might be better choices of Apps, videos, games.

***Educate yourself in regards to children being exposed to too much screen time. Let this knowledge guide you as you purposefully choose what is right for your children and family. You can find a lot of excellent info at the Children’s Sreen Time Action Network.

***Take a look around your home and be sure it supports your child in being safe, healthy, growing strong. Put phones out of sight and on silent during family time and meals. Watch your own use of devices when with your children. Use a real camera, a real watch, a real alarm clock. Talk about why you choose with care what and how you do all things digital. Keep all screens OUT of bedrooms. Have specific places for devices to be kept and charged, rather than spread all over the house. I know one family who has a small wooden box set up in an out-of-the-way place where all devices get dropped once home. Now they can no longer distract and it becomes an intentional act to retrieve them.

The more we can use our strength at being

purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more

likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping

them as safe as we can.

Start today. Help your child learn with care how to BE with all the devices in your house-hold. Keep “safe, healthy, strong” as your filter, showing your little one up to your teen how best to use technology so it can be part of healthy growth and development. Because it can. With your care, your awareness, your strength at being purposeful.

With HOPE and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Call for Dignity

May 27, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology 2 Comments

THIS is a call to action.

And I need your help.

I find myself increasingly tired. Feeling discouraged and worried. Even DONE.

Tired of holding up the half-full cup and looking for and sharing joy and appreciation and the evidence that things are changing in life-affirming ways around us. Discouraged by what often seems a lack of real change even though I know real change takes the respect of time. Worried, too. Worried as it seems the world around us is spiraling down faster and faster into the abyss that our use of technology seems to be causing.

DONE with how all of it is allowing us to fall into a lifestyle of reactivity that often translates to unhealthy, unkind, disrespectful words and actions.

It seems to me we are experiencing a profound loss of dignity in so many areas. Human caused; technology driven.

If our use of all things digital allows us and our children to spin to such depths, exposes us at length to both emotionally and physically harmful things, allows us to say and do things so unkind, so disrespecftul, then ENOUGH. We can and MUST do better. Our children are counting on us. Our world needs us to. Each one of our friends, neighbors, schools, communities, etal, rely on every single one of us to do better.

I KNOW we can become clear on what kind of place (or maybe no place) we want digital devices to have in our child’s life. This includes age appropriate boundaries, clear intention, developmentally appropriate uses, understanding what does help grow healthy children and build healthy relationships. For all things digital is here to stay and we need to figure this out. NOW.

I KNOW we adults can say NO to inappropriate use; role model appropriate use; be intentional with how to and when to introduce anything digital; teach children age-appropriate safety around all of it. We need to. Right now. It begins with all of us pausing, considering, educating ourselves, then being intentional with the steps we take–for ourselves and our children. And no, it’ll never be perfect, but it sure can be better and healthier.

I KNOW we can recognize that opening the Pandora’s Box of the Digital World too soon for our kids can lead to both us and our children feeling out of control and overwhelmed. Many of us experience that already. Easy, at times, to just ignore it all and let it keep spinning out of control. Until we experience a loss that may be hard to overcome.

A loss such as our dignity.

I KNOW we can see how, as we either unwittingly or under pressure succumb to “what everyone else is doing,” or feeling an increasing need to be constantly connected, or trying to calm OUR anxiety over our child not being fully connected socially or totally adept at all things digital ASAP, we are actually undermining so much of what makes us healthy, our relationships healthy. What in the world are we doing?

I am increasingly discouraged by…

…the enormity of trying to find what works to educate, empower, or just merely encourage parents as they do the very important job of parenting well and positively and health-fully. And this very much includes becoming aware of how our digital device use is influencing our lives–both positively and negatively. In relationship-building and relationship-depleting ways.

…hearing of and seeing an increasing amount of sexting, social media bullying, anxiety issues and depression among even our youngest students.

…the reality that many people continue to interact so disrespectfully to their children, to each other, to their animals, to themselves. Sometimes purposefully, but more often because they just are unaware of the impact of their actions. And it is this lack of awareness that concerns me and seems to be amplified by our being engulfed by all things digital.

…the increasing number of kids receiving smart phones long before they need one or are developmentally ready to manage them. Somehow we are all on the same page about driving at 16–or older–but cannot seem to get a handle on when our kids should have the world at their fingertips.

…the speed and pressure we allow our culture to impose on us. Faster, better, more, sooner RARELY makes for healthy, centered, strong, connected relationships and living well. Rarely.

…what feels like the lack of ACTION despite all that I KNOW we are aware of and feel.

…championing all things appreciative, joyful, connected, healthy, relationship building, affirming, calm, pause-filled…yet continuing to see how many are caught up in just the opposite.

I find myself tired, discouraged, truly concerned and at times DONE. It is the fairly constant stories of yet another child devastated over, say, sexting and photos being shared all around school or the violence that ends up harming and killing students or the overwhelming anxiety so many of our teens are feeling that has me feeling like throwing in the towel.

It is seeing how the current political discourse that social media and digital device use has amplified (remember my mantra of What You Focus on Grows?) has spiraled us into depths many of us were unaware existed, or ever believed we’d actually experience ever in our lives. Ugly. So much of it.

It is time to take charge of our digital choices and take

back our dignity, living our lives with respect, kindness, and integrity through and through.

I am eternally grateful for my friend and colleague, Rhonda Moskowitz of Practical Solutions Parent Coaching who CAN make sense of all of this and actually step in and help parents already overwhelmed with all things digital and smart phones with their children. Thank goodness for her.

Thank goodness for Rachel Stafford of The Hands Free Revolution whose work always inspires the joy of simplicity.

Thank goodness for Janet Lansbury who continually champions RESPECT for our youngest that ripples up all the way to our eldest.

Thank goodness for The Children’s Screen Time Action Network and all the parents, educators, and other professionals and advocates who have joined together, working hard to promote a healthy childhood for all children through the necessary management of our technology use.

Thank goodness for L. R. Knost of Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources whose personal journey she shares with such honest and gentle passion, always speaking of the loving connection our children and each of us need the most in order to thrive. True dignity in the face of one of life’s ultimate challenges.

Thank goodness for the many others out there of whom I could spend all day listing that are making a real difference. Today I pass the torch to them, for I am discouraged, worried, even exhausted by it all and could use a bit of lifting, myself. What we focus on grows–help me help YOU to focus on all that is life affirming, appreciative, and JOY-filled. Share with me something joyful. Something you are doing more of or differently that lifts you. Something you have discovered is working well for you and your children.

**MOST importantly, share with me a step YOU are taking to take charge of your digital choices and devices. Will you…**

…have an intentional conversation with your children about technology–including safety issues, inappropriate marketing, it’s impact on their health and development?

…remove apps from your phone that distract and detract from your relationships and daily life?

…contact your school administrations and request HEALTHY use of technology in our schools? Follow up as needed with sharing pertinent research that can be easily found via sources such as www.screentimenetwork.org?

…practice a PAUSE as you find yourself wanting to react to, tweet, share, comment, post on all things challenging within our political world, and instead respond–respectfully and clearly–about the importance of DIGNITY, integrity, and respect among all our leaders; all of us; all our communities? Our children are watching and learning from all of us.

…connect with other parents to encourage each other as you explore and create the healthy boundaries and balance our children need with digital devices? Together, as a “village”, you can truly feel empowered.

…preserve all meal times as screen-free times, reclaim conversation and listening skills, and discover a growing and deeper connection with your family members? Now you can live, right there at the dinner table, the dignity, respect, kindness we all want more of in our world…and this will naturally extend into all areas of your life, impacting others all around you.

THIS is a call to action.

Share with me how YOU are working at changing the course of our lives and world by actions YOU are taking. It is time.

Respectfully and gratefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A Beautiful Moment

May 23, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

A Beautiful Moment.

A mama, a curly-haired four-year-old boy, a beach, and a talk.

What caught my eye? First the boy, happily and busily marching up and down and up and down a great-big-to-him log on the beach. Pausing to JUMP into the sand…check out the waves…back up onto the log…sandy hands and all.

Next, the mama. Calm. Present. Quiet. Available.

Mr. Four was being given such a lovely space to BE. To move, think, imagine, connect on his own terms, in his own way.

Up the log he’d go…met by Mama with a twinkle in her eye. Maybe a few words exchanged, maybe not. It all depended on if Mr. Four had something to say.

Down the log he went. JUMP into the sand. Study intently the incoming tide.

I paused…watched…and then noticed and appreciated out loud to this mama the gift she was giving her son to just BE. And as you can imagine, this moment I paused became a Beautiful Moment.

A moment filled with sharing the power of connecting meaningfully, deeply. A moment filled with how life changing parenting is, how it calls to us to GROW, from the inside out. How, when we pause, calm ourselves, work first at growing our ability to feel centered and content to the best of our ability, our parenting changes, our children change.

Anxiety evaporates. Connection grows.

“Discipline” and “Punishment” become what they are supposed to be–a gentle, firm guidance done through calm connection, appreciation, and real JOY.

And yes, this is quite different from parenting permissively. You can explore my blog and “Parenting Well No Matter the Label” for more on that.

A Beautiful Moment of considering the power of parenting and living from the calm, centered, connected, affirming, appreciative, loving place focused on guiding children in empowering ways. She’s come to it along her path of discovery; I, too. And all my sharing with each of you is with the intent to help you grow this direction, also.

Just think what the world could be like if each and every one of us strengthened our ability to PAUSE, consider, appreciate. To grow our trust in life and growth and really listened to our inner selves, ultimately feeling steady and strong.

Just think how the next generation of children could more likely thrive as they grow in an environment filled with a real sense of security, of love, of being valued and appreciated for who they are, shown with care and gentleness and a steady assurance how to be, to grow, to live.

Just think. This mama and me? We felt the importance of our “chance” meeting. We both, I believe, parted feeling encouraged, affirmed, lifted. I did, absolutely.

And Mr. Four? Oh he was busily going down the log, up the log, and down again. Intermittently telling me about the Redwood Trees he and his stuffed dog were going to see, how the tide was coming in, how fast he can go, the adventures he’d been on and was going on, the special tires on his toy car, that he was 1-2-3-FOUR…!

What a delight. Thank you to this Mama who gave me a PAUSE to consider with care some of what we shared. Thank you to this Mama for the Beautiful Moment that has had me smiling all day long. And thank you to the curly haired Mr. Four who sparkled as he delighted in all things BEACH.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Make Room for More JOY

May 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

Today, PAUSE.

Look around. Watch your children. Notice all that is happening, working, going well or better, brings a smile to your face, has you feeling hopeful, energized, lifted. Notice…and actively appreciate. Out loud. To yourself. In a note. Face to face.

One mama told me recently how when she first spoke with me she was feeling ever-so-frustrated, upset, sure that NOTHING was going right, that she was a lousy parent and her kids full of trouble.

And then she took a week. A week to observe, to intentionally look for and notice what WAS working, going better, could be appreciated. She let go of trying to “make it better”, to fix things, to do all those things others tell you you need to do in order to “straighten everybody up” and “keep everyone in line.” And yes, all the while still actively engaged with her kids.

Truly a PAUSE.

You know what happened? She returned to me and shared what a real difference this made for her–she noticed all the little things that left her smiling and realizing her kids COULD get along, were helpers, family time together was often full of fun and good feelings, that she herself could be patient, gentle, respectful, calm and connected.

The best thing? She spoke of how clear she got as to what really DID need to change AND how she felt energized to do so.

This is what PAUSE can do for you.

PAUSE, at its basic, helps you through heated moments from a relationship-building place. And when it is taken further–as with this mama–it becomes the space from which you see more clearly, respond more authentically and productively, feel energized and empowered to create the positive and productive change you want.

So this weekend, look, really LOOK and see the little things that are happening within your family and elsewhere that show the kindness, care, compassion, joy, connection, cooperation, collaboration, respect we want to be experiencing and want our children to learn and emulate.

What we focus on grows.

Let’s look for just what it is we want more of. Notice, appreciate, and let JOY in. It’s there for the taking and the sharing.

Choose to follow my work as we join together to create the real, positive, and meaningful change we want to see in the world.

Need a smile to get you started? Check out Simple Moments…

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
©2018 Alice Hanscam

It’s All About Relationship

May 14, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I found myself talking with a mother of three the other day. All that she shared is very much what I and many of my colleagues hear constantly.

HOW do we manage and balance all of these unknowns that are increasing in seemingly infinite ways?

HOW do we parent well, keep our children safe, control usage and exposure, say NO to video games, feel confident our schools are supporting this endeavor to lessen screen time…and on and on?

It’s exhausting.

Really, what CAN we do??

Focus on relationship.

So we need to focus on our relationship. THIS we can control.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

We can…

…Seek to understand more about what research and experts are saying. Explore what is available for filtering carefully what your kids are exposed to.

We may never be able to feel fully confident about how our technology driven life-styles and world is influencing us.

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

Because they have YOU.

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Grateful Mama

May 9, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

I am grateful.

Grateful to be a mother to two young women moving along their own journeys, growing themselves in lovely, strong, intentional ways. A bit sad, too, since our time together is few and far between…and when we will be together again as a family is unknown…

I am proud. Not because of their academic or athletic or any other ability. Not because of “jobs well done” or excelling or being artistic or smart or funny or any of those things we often hear others say they are proud of.

You know, I think about this “proud” statement, often. I hear others use it–“I’m proud of you, son!” as the child wins an award, or gets straight A’s or succeeds in some other way. What does it mean to our children if they then lose, or fail, or not succeed in something–are we still proud of them? Do we tell them at those times? Or do they think our pride is only for the times they do well and that it is their job to “make us proud?” I hope not.

I want, more than anything, for my daughters to make them SELVES proud. That their job is to lead themselves, from the inside out, focused on their feelings and their abilities and then take their strong-from-the-inside-out selves and always look to what they can do to help make the world a better place; to live well and strong, productive and purposeful.

And I want them to know I AM proud, and I truly admire them. And I want them to know why. Maybe this will help you look at your children and despite the struggles, frustration, worry, and all that our parenting journeys inevitably bring, you can notice important qualities in them evolving in amazing ways. Because they are there, ready to emerge, expand, strengthen.

I am proud and I admire my daughters because of their ever-growing abilities to:

~ Persevere. Through hard classes, hard times, difficult relationships, jobs that leave them frustrated, confusing moments/days/months, embarrassing moments, wondering-what-the-heck-do-I-do-now moments. To stick with their dreams and stand by their values. To stick with their friends no matter or maybe because of the turmoil. To persevere through it all staying true to (and still discovering) themselves.

~ Be kind. To others whether it is easy or difficult. To animals–well cared for pets and lonely strays. To people who believe different things and live in different ways and maybe make them uncomfortable at times. To children and each other. To choose “be kind” over “be right.” To be kind to themselves, always.

~ PAUSE and consider. Get calm then clear on what the next step is or the big picture is or what they hope for and intend. Equally, to give themselves a bit of grace as they struggle with just what their next step is. To take that break when their buttons are pushed. To be intentional in what they do–no matter how what they do turns out. Being intentional is a huge strength. Pausing grows this ability.

~ Love, fully. With open arms and hearts. To miss those they love. To ache for them, rejoice in them, be confused by them, find ways to be connected no matter the distance. To be vulnerable in their love. To share their love. To love themselves. That’s hard at times, to love ourselves. We are so quick to judge when really, we need to *just* love and accept, to be comfortable in who we are today; empowered to grow ourselves for tomorrow.

~ Risk. Step out of their comfort zone, try on new things. To be uncomfortable AND confident. To be willing. What a way to grow! Their courage is something I admire, for in so many ways I never had this courage. I have been inspired by theirs.

~ Trust. Each other, us, themselves, the path life presents them. To see them lose, have to let go and still know, with a growing certainty, that if they just re-adjust what they are looking at or where they look, another door will open or is already standing open awaiting them. Always. That opportunity is always there for the taking–sometimes it is just that we have to re-frame what life brings. This trust? It is baseline.

~ Laugh! The light-hearted humor they weave through their lives is something else I truly admire–from letting it help them through the tough times to reaching out to others to help lighten their load. A gentle humor; a laugh-until-you-cry humor. It goes a long way…

~ Be independent. Taking charge of their lives. Deciding for themselves what feels right, good, productive, helpful, kind, loving, important. And then doing it. Standing certain in those decisions. And again, always be willing to let go…and continue trusting just where the Universe is leading them.

And you know what else I admire and am proud of? That both my girls want to spend time with me and their dad. They turn to us as the resource we always intended on being. They are open and honest with their thoughts and feelings. When we come together as a family JOY is the over-riding experience. Yes, we get tired of each other. yes, we get frustrated. Yes, our girls seem to always win at our favorite board game (Ticket to Ride!) AND remind us of this often. Yet JOY is still the over-riding experience…I can tell, because we always look forward to the next time we all get to be together (and play more games).

This I am grateful for. Deeply, deeply grateful. May they carry this JOY forward into their friendships and future families.

I am proud to be their mother. I feel blessed, grateful, inspired by them. I think one of the most important ways I’ve grown by being their mother is watching their creative, courageous selves embrace their journeys no matter the bumps and struggles and successes. It has helped and is helping me do the same…

Helping me to stand by what I know is right, good, and healthy for my family and all children no matter what someone else or something else dictates–our society, our culture.

Helping me to strengthen my PAUSE, let my patience step up, and wait and LIVE in the uncertainty that often defines our parenting journeys, our lives.

Helping me to stand in my integrity and practice all that I think, feel, believe–no matter the hard. My girls are watching and this is important to me.

What a team we are.

And I miss them as we again and again part ways to live our lives…and equally I look forward to being together once again.

Today, tomorrow, every day–take time to really look at your children no matter their age. Notice what they are working on, how they approach things, when they show their independent selves (even when you wish they would JUST LISTEN to you). Look for those moments of care and kindness and respect and focus and hard work and sharing of feelings and humor and all those qualities key for growing into the whole and wonderful beings we hope for.

And then let them know what you see…let them know when you notice just what you’d like MORE of for what we focus on? It grows.

Then tell them you feel blessed and grateful to be their parent…

Happy Mother’s Day. And to my daughters, Happy to BE your Mother today and every day

Alice (AKA mom).

Author and Parent Coach

L-O-N-G Waits in Line…

May 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of connection, creativity, and all things relationship building for you from a wonderfully simple perspective.

A family. Two children, ages 8 and 10, and their parents. A long line awaiting entrance to a way-cool castle in Scotland. Think crowds of tour bus folk, general tourists, a small space, and castle ruins just yonder. Oh, and the heat. So very hot.

And think “buff.” You know, those scarf-like things we can wear around our necks for warmth? The 10-year-old boy had one (despite the heat!)…I’ll get back to the buff soon:

“How much l-o-n-g-e-r do we have to WAIT, dad????”

“Ten minutes until the ticket office opens!”

“That’s too LOOOOONNNNGGGG!”

Okay. So we’ve all been here. Whining and fidgety kids, crowds of people, hot weather and lengthy wait times. Here’s what I noticed, heard, and eventually went directly to the parents and appreciated out loud:

Dad, “Would you like to set the timer?” “

Boy, “YES! Can I choose the sound???”

And son and father took out the phone–the ONLY time I saw anything device oriented come out–and together they went through sounds until the boy chose one and the timer was set. Respectful–dad appreciating how hard it can be and providing a solid framework for his son to wait by–ultimately giving his son the opportunity to be in control of that very long 10 minutes . No “Quit whining!” or “It’s only 10 minutes, be patient!”

Just a quiet affirmation of how waiting can

be hard by offering up a simple way to wait successfully;

to actually learn to BE patient.

Sister and brother began to wander a bit…went over to the sign and read it out loud to each other. They twirled. Poked around the ticket booth. Pushed each other playfully. Mom and dad watched from the line, quietly. Kids returned to mom and dad and quizzed them a bit about castle questions. Whining was forgotten, quiet exchanges took place, and the kids were given the space to just be kids. Talk about communicating trust in their ability to manage their selves–both by being able to wait in a crowd of people as well as to entertain themselves…

And then the buff antics began. My daughter noticed the boy’s buff and, just as the boy was getting a bit agitated once again regarding how L-O-N-G the wait was, said, “Buffs are so cool! Did you know you can make a hat with it??”

And the play began. The buff was turned into a hat, a mask, a chance to be “backwards and invisible” as the kids pulled their buffs up over their heads and wore their dark glasses on the backs of their heads. Giggles galore. Then it was my daughter showing them how nordic skiers use buffs with hats included. Then it was how far the buff could s-t-r-e-t-c-h and be pulled and go inside out and outside in. Mom and dad laughed and shared their ideas. Sister worked hard at using her headband in the same way. My daughter and the kids were totally engaged–conversation, fun, creative ideas. Those became the quickest “10 minutes” ever. And we all enjoyed the wait in line!

And then later, as we toured the castle ruins, what did I notice? How easily engaged each child was with their exploring, learning, asking questions. How mom and dad answered questions quietly, asked new ones, and generally let their kids lead the way as they wove in and out of people, walls, paths, twisty old stair cases.

The respect for what their kids were curious about and the respect their kids had for what mom and dad were curious about was a delight to see.

What stood out was how comfortable they all were.

How present and focused and truly listening to each other they were. And two kids who really managed themselves well–fidgets and whining included. I went up to mom and mentioned how I noticed and appreciated this…and that I also appreciated the lack of digital devices and instead real time, face to face interactions. Her response? “We really think less is better…and it is ever so hard to do so with so many of their friends getting smart phones….”

We shared a bit about the importance of being intentional with our use of all things digital so that we can more likely grow healthier relationships, brains and lives.

I shared how awesome it was that they had thought ahead of all-things-digital and decided what they wanted the most––the kind of relationships they were now experiencing. Connected. Respectful. Kids who managed themselves well and could be restless, fidgety, engrossed in their own ideas and play. She shared how it makes it easier knowing what they really want for their kids…and how good it feels to be appreciated for the hard work they are doing to live just what they believe. Talk about building healthy brains!

Connection, creativity, presence, all things relationship-building. It really can be simple. It really can start with a buff .

We really CAN give our kids the space and respect

to just be without always taking responsibility for filling their time or calming our own anxiety over their antics by

distracting them with a screen.

What a gift to our kids when we become truly intentional with how we use our phones, our iPads, our computers–with how we decide NOT to use them.

Today, take time to put digital devices aside. Head outdoors. Get a pile of books to read. Build a fort and climb inside. Cook. Swim. Dig in the dirt. Twirl. Or get your buffs out and see what its like to make yourself “backwards and invisible” with a pair of sunglasses propped on the back of your head.

Most importantly, connect.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Alone Together

May 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Alone Together. “In the age of screens, families are spending more time ‘alone together.'”

Sounds good in some ways, doesn’t it? Alone Together out in the woods. Around a campfire. Day-dreaming alongside each other. Maybe meandering on a quiet walk, both lost in your own thoughts. Or hanging out in the living room all doing something different and yet, together.

Alone Together with Technology means something entirely different….as Sherry Turkle says (a professor at MIT):

“…“alone together” (labels) our heightened disconnection, which she said has resulted in kids not knowing how to empathize with each other or communicate effectively. “Across generations, technology is implicated in this assault on empathy,” she wrote in the New York Times. “We’ve gotten used to being connected all the time, but we have found ways around conversation—at least from conversation that is open-ended and spontaneous, in which we play with ideas and allow ourselves to be fully present and vulnerable.”

THIS is what I see, hear, and experience. THIS is why I write what I do for each of you as you work at understanding and intentionally changing how you use digital devices; how you recognize what is essential in building healthy relationships and growing healthy children.

This Alone Together creates dis-connection more often than not.

It interrupts real time, in person connection. It definitely can cause more angst on many levels–from being irritated with each other, to depression in our teens and young adults.

It certainly displaces the development of creativity and imagination, focused attention (though isn’t that funny, how focused our kids and ourselves can be on our devices…and yet, this in itself creates the inability to stay focused at length on conversations with another, a lesson in school, getting lost in a good book, being able to truly immerse ourselves in something hands-on and in real time).

It challenges physical development as our kids sit too much, are passively engaged with a device. It displaces language development, critical thinking skills–something we are in desperate need of more than ever as we are faced with an onslaught of “fake news” where-ever we turn. We need to be able to hone and use our critical thinking skills to navigate life.

And EMPATHY. It displaces the ability to empathize, for empathy takes the development of deep connection which spurs on compassion and understanding of another. It encourages acceptance, love, forgiveness. Empathy. It is essential.

And YES, time on devices CAN become a part of healthy development and it requires our own education of what it all means, our understanding of its impact, our role-modeling, our intentional selves getting clear about just how best to integrate these tools into our lives in ways that are relationship-building.

Interested in learning more? Explore these links to my writing that may help and lead you to other resources. Check them out if you ‘d like. They include “What TO do instead of a screen?,” “Our Children, Our Technology“, “Digital Wellness in the Age of Distraction”, “Our Children NEED Us”, “We Need to Know and Say NO”, “Connection vs Disconnection.”

And now go be Together Together. Fully present to whomever you are with. FULLY. It is essential for all of us to live well, to thrive.

Be sure to check out the Screen Time Action Network for resources, community, and more!

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

What TO do instead of a screen?

April 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago, the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

BOOM you went!

April 16, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and always enjoyed…

An exchange overheard between a young Godmother and her 17-month-old godson following a slip and a boom onto his bottom: “You slipped! I can see it surprised you…” PAUSE. Toddler busy processing and deciding whether to cry or not.

“Boom, you went onto your bottom. See? You slipped on the water right here.” PAUSE. The tears began.

“Ohhh, it surprised you and you are sad.” PAUSE. “Would you like to keep going downstairs?” The tears got a bit louder. “Do you need to go check-in with Mama?”

YES his little head nodded as his sobs got louder. Up he went into her arms, she talking soothingly as she brought him to his Mama.

What did I appreciate?

Her gentleness. Her respect for letting him take time to decide just how this experience had him feeling. Her outward comfort in his discomfort–giving him the opportunity to explore his feelings, to feel safe and accepted.

It was a lovely moment to overhear…so very kind and respectful.

Here’s what else I appreciated…the waiting Mama who heard the fall, boom, and gentle conversation. She paused, listened, and stayed put and out of sight while she respectfully let her 17-month-old and his Godmother work through the moment. What a way to communicate confidence in her son and her friend–relationship building on all fronts. Difficult to do, wait out of sight as your little one hurts. That confidence it communicates? It also speaks of how capable her little guy is becoming.

Instead of jumping up to “make it all better” and communicating “You need me in order to manage your feelings–you need me to rescue you”–Mama AND Godmother, because of their ability to PAUSE and sit through his upset, communicated clearly that they KNEW he can feel strongly AND be okay.

What a way to nurture more of what is truly wanted–a capable, confident child.

Take time today to look around and notice and appreciate something another is doing–whether it is something to delight in or a something difficult getting worked through. And this includes appreciating your self :-).

Appreciation. It is powerful. It creates

positive change all on its own.

If you like “Noticed and Appreciated” posts, here’s another for you: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/26/noticed-and-appreciated-stuffed-guys/

Make it great today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Choice. It really can be confusing.

April 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We know we need to give our little ones a choice, that it can make things go more smoothly, that now they are more likely to do what needs to be done, for they feel more in charge of it all….and yet, sometimes all those choices end up muddling everything up.

“But I GAVE him a choice!”

“I don’t know what choice to give…”

“There IS no choice! It just has to happen!”

Choice. It really can be so confusing…

You know what? Sometimes it’s okay to not give a choice–maybe even necessary to skip what feels like a choice. Sometimes giving choices just makes matters worse–like those times we have a tired little guy on our hands and we try to offer up enticing choices to help head them in the direction we’d like, and instead we end up with a puddle of a child on the floor…or avoiding you with all the nimbleness (and loud-ness!) only a young child has.

Yes, choices are good, kids do need them–this is how they learn to be accountable, to figure out what they like, don’t like, can and can’t do, are or aren’t responsible for. And sometimes is okay to make the choice for them.

Yet really, choice is still inherent in those times.

Let’s explore this a bit…

Let’s say your toddler is tired. You know it–for you know your little guy well and can see all the signs–the way he stops being able to focus for long on any one thing, the rubbing of the eyes, the cranking up of activity and behavior. You know they are tired. THEY know nap is the last thing they want–I mean, really, who’d want to leave the fun of a party, the adventure of playing and exploring, the important people in your life to check out for a while and sleep?!

Of course, if you ask, “Are you ready for a nap?” their answer is an emphatic NO. If you give them a choice of, say, “Do you want me to pick you up or do you want to walk all by yourself?” their answer will be to turn and run in the opposite direction.

Maybe they are asking for more food, to play a bit more, to read this book and that book and go pet the kitty and run down the hall and again ask to eat. And sometimes we actually get fooled by this, thinking if we just let them have another bite to eat, play a bit longer, read one more book it will make the move to nap smoother. Maybe it does–again, knowing your child well and trusting yourself is key. However…

…more often than not we are just adding fuel to the fire…so…

…this is where you get to say,“I see you think you’d like more to eat/more time to play/read one more book. I think what you are really feeling is tired. It is time for nap. Let’s go get your diaper changed….” And you calmly and gently pick them up to head down the hall.

If they go willingly? Now you are talking softly to them about what they can expect. “We’ll get you all dry for your nap and read three books. I wonder if you’d like one about the scoop shovel, or the one about the duck?” NOW it is time for a real choice! They are ready and relieved because you’ve made the initial decision for them–that nap time it is.

If they arch their back, turn into jello legs, and resist LOUDLY to all suggestion of a nap? Here’s where you get to continue with what feels like a lack of choice,”I know, it is so much fun playing. I can tell how tired you are. We will change your diaper and snuggle with our books…” Guidance–calm, connected, respectful. Sometimes that is all that is needed.

Your calm as they express their discontent. Your affirmation of how they feel. Your gentle and firm guidance towards nap.

Now they can feel safe even as they feel upset. What a comfort that ultimately is for a child to have a parent okay with how upset they feel. This may be enough.

Sometimes they need more.

Again, you get to choose. “You really are having a tough time being ready to settle for diapers and books.” You know your child well–maybe walking over to their bedroom window and gazing outside for a bit, commenting without asking for any input on what you see will help them settle a bit. I know it often did for my girls.

Maybe pausing and looking at them arching their back in your arms and saying, “Why don’t we sit a bit on the rocking chair…maybe we could start with a book or sing a song before we change diapers…” Or maybe, after a moment of respecting those big feelings, you realize they really do need a drink of water or milk to ease them into nap mode.

Then perhaps, as they settle, a choice that works for them is offered. “Oh…you are ready for that diaper change. Do you want to take your special guy up to the changing table or shall we play our peek-a-boo game…remember how mommy likes to nibble your toes?!” You know best what it is that engages them the most and you’ve given them a bit of space and time to first get their upset out–key for respecting their mad without wavering from the nap-time needs.

This is where choice is inherent. As you make the choice for them, they still have the control over how THEY choose to feel about it. Their choice to get mad, sad, even over-the-top upset.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance helps them tremendously in managing their choice to be upset, in feeling heard and understood, in being helped towards discovering that certain things need to happen and you are there to help them through it as best as possible.

It communicates safety and security. It communicates respect.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance says, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot.”

What a way to grow a child from the inside-out–being respected, affirmed, heard, gently shown the way.

What a way to build a relationship based on trust–on being able to count on what you say, you mean and will do.

What a way for a child to still feel in control for you have taken the time to listen and affirm their choice of how to feel. Key for healthy relationships.

So today, trust your instincts as you look at your little one and know clearly that what they need the most is for you to gently guide them towards just what is most important right now. Allow for the feelings. Notice what works for you to be calm and gentle, yet firm. Let calm connection always lead the way.

Choice. It is key and it looks many different ways. Here’s to your confidence in the choices you make today!

You can find more about choices right here: Choices Choices Choices–Help!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Self Regulation, Toddler Style

April 9, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Self-regulation (nearly) two-year-old style:

…”No no NO!” with a wiggle and a squirm when picked up without being asked.

...SQUIRM, toss and turn, kick, squeal and two adults all for a diaper change…until,”When your diaper is on it will be time to go join Papa and play….” Body FREEZES. Still as a statue. Diaper on and a big, huge smile with a “Ready to GO!” expression…

…Emphatic head shaking back and forth when asked, “Can I give you a hug to say good-bye?” Followed by from the adult, “Okay…how about a kiss?” MORE emphatic head shaking…and a palm up to say “STOP.”

…Joyful head NODDING and arms outreached when asked, “Can I give you a hug…?” Ahhhh…only a toddler can send our hearts on that roller coaster as we so want a snuggle yet respect just what they feel ready to give…

…Knees a-bouncing, finger a-pointing, a look of total eagerness...”I want to go THAT way! Take me with you…” And off we go with pauses to ask, “Now which way?” And only the toddler knows just where we will end…

…Sleepy, eye rubbing, yawning…“Would you like to sing Puff the Magic Dragon or Rise and Shine for nap time?” No no no, those are ALICE’s songs. YOU sing You Are My Sunshine!

…Willingness and awareness that any food being enjoyed is enjoyed while standing still or sitting down. “Here’s your water…let’s sit down to drink…” and down he plunks.

…Eagerness to take off to explore the next really cool thing but PAUSES to open his mouth when asked, “Are you still chewing on your bagel?” “Ohhhh…I see food in your mouth, still. When your mouth is empty, we can take off to explore!” And his body stills, chewing and swallowing, and a wide-open mouth to say, “LOOK! I’m all done!” And off we go…

I had the incredible pleasure and privilege to watch a 22-month-old manage himself during a weekend wedding event that involved many new faces and places and an interrupted rhythm to his usual patterns. This little guy? He has been parented so respectfully, been listened to, gently guided, his choices respected, his feelings affirmed–and as a result, he flowed through this chaotic and FUN weekend directing himself in all that he did.

He knew when and with whom he wanted to eat, explore, move away from the crowd to take a break.

He communicated clearly with adults who listened and respected him.

His sleep time routines were diligently stuck to even if the timing was later than usual.

He made his needs clear without ever falling apart. His needs were addressed before he needed to fall apart. And when what HE wanted just wasn’t going to happen, he was respectfully affirmed, gently handled, and always spoken to with a quiet voice.

And he listened.

I do believe there were adults blown away by his ability to manage himself. To regulate his needs. To communicate so well through sign language and emerging words. There were adults surprised that he had a “mind of his own” and was CLEAR when they crossed those boundaries (like sweeping him up from behind with nary a heads up or awareness of just what HE was focused on and doing). And I’m betting there were some folks who realized just what the possibilities are when a child is parented respectfully from day one.

Very cool. So today, PAUSE. Take a moment and observe your little one. Notice what they are focused on, what they are feeling, what they are trying to say. Let a PAUSE and an affirmation lead the way. Connect first, then as needed be gently firm or joyfully eager. Let your child direct themselves as much as possible…including feeling MAD if they really don’t like what needs to happen. Slow down, observe, talk about what you see, what you are trying to understand about them…

Respectful parenting leads

with calm connection.

Exercise your pause muscle today–it will deposit into your relationships in exponential ways. Really.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

One Mom’s Real and Positive CHANGE

April 7, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

A story for you!

Mom, fourteen-year-old daughter, eleven-year-old son. Reactive household. Lots of yelling, talking back, frustration, ignoring.

A daughter who began to hide things—her texts, her new found boyfriend, her self.

A mom who was clear she wanted to help her daughter be safe, choose with care, make healthy decisions. A mom who realized what could lie up ahead if she and her kids continued on this road of reactivity, of feeling lousy, of anything but relationship building experiences and interactions.

A mom who sought support via parent coaching...

She decided to start focusing on herself first and foremost…

Mom began to worry less about what her daughter chose to do and focused more on what she (mom) decided to do.

Mom began depositing into her Self Care Savings Account.

She learned about and focused on her PAUSE muscle.

She spent time reflecting on just the kind of adults she intended to grow…on just what kind of relationships she really wanted…on how she would like to feel.

Mom actively grew her calm(er) self and began to listen.

To stay quiet, initially. To express clearly her hopes for her children. To be clear on expectations without it becoming a yelling match. At least, only a one-sided yelling match, for she had decided to no longer yell…but what her kids decided–that was up to them 🙂 .

Mom found herself asking more questions rather than dictating what she thought the answers should be. She discovered she COULD sit through some big emotional times with her young teen and maintain the calm her daughter needed the most from her.

Her daughter began to flourish.

She began to respond well to her mother’s ability to gently intervene, rather than yell, nag, threaten. She began to trust what her mom said she meant and would do. This fourteen year old started to share more openly with her mother. To seek her out as a resource as things escalated with a boyfriend who stepped up his demands…his stalking via texts…the drama of first love relationships…the drama of friendships, period.

Her daughter felt empowered as her mom asked questions rather than told her what to do. She started, on her own, to choose better friends, healthier relationships, to stand up for her self. Mom and daughter began to laugh and talk and enjoy each other more and more often…and family life calmed down.

Fast forward three years. This mom?

She shared with me just how connected, joyful, respectful her relationships with her children have become.

Just what she envisioned three years ago when she initially sought support. She shared how her daughter told her she is someone she trusts, that she can count on mom to listen and often wait before mom intervenes in a situation. Her daughter shared with her how she sees her mother as a resource she can and does and wants to turn to. Cool, hmmm?

This daughter? She is about to fly. College is right around the corner. She is ready–feeling capable, competent, respected, trusted.

This mom? She is ready, too. She now knows, without a doubt, her relationship with this young adult is exactly how she intended it to be.

And the family? Oh the adventures they enjoy together! What a gift to both children to have a parent wanting and willing to grow themselves in order to become the kind of parent they intend to be. What a gift to the children to have a parent actively pausing, considering, living the respect and trust she wants to see; doing whatever she can to calm her own anxieties and worries enough that they no longer lead the way throughout the day; actively focusing on self-care–the foundation for parenting and living well.

What a gift to her children and to herself, all this work at growing has been.

I wanted to share so you can feel a bit more empowered today to pull your focus first to yourself, to trust the process growth and relationships are, to know–really KNOW–that the work you put in right now to parent with calm connection, to parent well, pays off.

It is worth the journey no

matter how many years, for it is about relationships. And it is our relationships that count the most.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2016 Alice Hanscam

“I can’t DO it!” A story of tantrums…

April 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share–and oh, how I love stories!

In my care a four, seven, and thirteen year old. The two older ones at the table, totally focused on homework and projects. The 4-year-old–Mr. N I’ll call him–immersed in Lego on the floor. Me? Preparing after-school snacks.

Mr. N, tending toward having things ‘just so’ in life, couldn’t get his Lego plane to look just like he wanted. The whine was the first sign:

“Aaaaliiiccce! I can’t DO it. It doesn’t LOOK right…” Here we go…something that we’d done before and I’m sure would do again.

Me: “You sound frustrated!”

Mr. N: “I can’t DOOOOOOOOOOO it!” Escalating rapidly.

Me: “Can I help?

Mr. N: (Now flopping on floor), “NO. NObody can. I can’t DO it…”

And his half-constructed plane is thrown across the floor, busting all to pieces, and the wailing and screaming that followed was to be admired for its intensity

Okay…so here is where we all find ourselves at some point in our parenting journey–and most likely quite often, depending on age and stage of kids. Here is where I’d like to say how calm and matter-of-fact I felt as I let Mr. N know it is time to take a break and calm down. This is where I’d like to tell you how easily he complied by gathering himself up and snuggling on the couch and quickly pulling himself together to go try again.

I’d like to be able to say that. But the reality? It looked a bit different. I felt my temperature rise…the words going through my head: “Argh! Mr. N is doing it again! Throwing a tantrum over the littlest thing! And the other two kids are trying to work. When is he going to learn? How can I get him to STOP????”

I did have the where-with-all to act-as-if I felt calm and matter of fact. It helped that I had a 7 and 13-year-old watching me intently, and role modeling for them was important to me. Take whatever works to (pretend to) do it well! I do believe that really was my first PAUSE.

Me, with clenched teeth and an extra firm tone of voice–the best I could do in the moment:

“Mr N, you are having a hard time. Your screaming is making it difficult for the girls to do their work. Time to go downstairs until you are calmer and ready to try again.” Sounds good, right? It was–even if I did feel angry, myself. Self-control–a strength!

Mr N had no ability to pick himself up and head downstairs–too busy wailing and flailing. I picked him up working hard at containing MY anger. Thank goodness for the two sets of eyes watching my every move–another PAUSE of sorts. Off we went down to his room in my house screaming away. I plunked him down and said, “When you have calmed down, we can try again.”

And here is where I can honestly say I did well.

Mr N is screaming and flailing and I found myself sitting sideways in the doorway. I knew from previous experiences that closing the door just added to the turmoil via kicking…and I knew for certain my visible nearness helped him feel connected–even in the midst of doing anything he could to push me away. Connection is key.

I sat myself down and averted my eyes. I kept Mr N company–quietly and respectfully. I stayed connected and available. I paused. Okay, so I plugged my ears for awhile, as well. And breathed. And wished for him to calm down SOON so we could move on…

Thirty minutes later (yes, thirty minutes–I had quite the time to PAUSE in that doorway!) as his screams had turned to sobs, I found I could interject (you know, in-between sobs when they try to catch their breath?) “I hear you are working at calming down. When you are ready, we can head back upstairs and try again.” Mr N knew he could have my lap if he wanted (he didn’t), he knew I wouldn’t leave…and I respected his choice to pull himself together ‘on his own.’

Then something magic happened.

Truly magic. Down the stairs came my kitty cat–“Mew, mew, mew.” I swear to you, she came down to check on Mr N and all the commotion–she really was! And I used it: “Yoda kitty! You are worried about Mr N! You are here to see how you can help.” And I picked up my fuzzy little kitty and plunked her in the room with my sobbing little friend. Mr N wrapped his arms around Yoda kitty (Yoda was not one to be snuggled, yet this time? She obliged..) and breathed in her soft fur.

Mr N, “Yoda, I love you. Yoda, I’m sad. Oh, Yoda…” And he totally calmed down. Within a minute or so he said, “I’m ready to go upstairs!” I said, “You worked hard at calming yourself down and Yoda kitty came to help!” Off we went, Lego plane was gathered up and re-built, snacks were had, and all was peaceful. Really!

Tantrums. They are tough. What worked for me?

Acting as if. Having other eyes a-watching me. Knowing that Mr N needed time and space to gather himself and respecting his way of working through it all. Staying near and available. Pausing–maybe not initially, but in the end, my staying near Mr N gave me the gift of a pause so I really could feel calm. And in turn, this gave Mr N the PAUSE he needed to feel the same. Kitty cat included.

There’s my story for you. One of many. Maybe I’ll share the 13-year-old tantrum of my daughter’s another day. Really, this is a journey we are all on–it is meant for our growth as much as it is our children’s. Respect this. Welcome every challenge and conflict as an opportunity to become a better you. Always appreciate the parts that ARE working for you–for what we focus on grows. Know you have lots of good company along this journey as a parent!

Me? I am forever grateful to Yoda kitty. She has managed to change the tune of many upset moments. Mine as well as others! Mr N? He is now 12 and builds incredible Lego planes–he shared the fleet of planes he created recently. You know what he said? “Alice, I don’t care if they look just right anymore. Look what I built, just for fun!” And he was glowing.

That made all the past tantrums worth it. More about tantrums here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/04/15/tantrums-loud-giant-frustrating/

Here’s to more peace in your household!

Enjoy.

Appreciate Your Child!

April 1, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

What could be different if we ‘just’ appreciated our child–right now, as they are, who they are, no matter what they are doing?

Instead of trying so hard to make our child into something WE want, what could be different if we welcomed, embraced, accepted, walked alongside them, showed them rather than forced, pushed, changed, stood over them trying to get them to do it our way…the ‘better’ way…the less-embarrassed-way…the way that makes US proud?

PAUSE today and look for something you can appreciate about your child–no matter how they are choosing to behave. Intentionally look. Maybe it is:

…how strongly they stand in their conviction (vs seeing them as stubborn and rebellious)

…how your teen chooses to buy only 2nd hand clothing (despite the fact they spend so much money doing so)

…the effort your little one made to wash their hands, even if their face is still covered with sticky stuff

…how freely your child lets you know how they are feeling…especially in public places… 🙂

…how your little one is working hard at becoming more independent (yes, via lots and lots of testing!)

…how they save their biggest upset just for you–a sign of feeling truly safe with you.

…how they slept in their own bed for an entire hour (rather than getting totally disgruntled over the continual wake ups the rest of the night!)

…how they got 50% of their spelling test correct, rather than initially bemoaning that they failed.

...how creative they can be with their clothing choices (even as you cringe over the outfit put together…)

…how kind and caring they are as they, once again, stop your progress on your adventure to pet another critter, talk to a baby, help a child who is sad, rescue a worm from being squished.

…how decisive and persistent they can be as they insist on ‘doing it themselves’ (even though it takes f.o.r.e.v.e.r)

Today, look first for and discover something you can appreciate about your child.

Do it BEFORE (or at the same time!) you stop them, follow through on a consequence, let those buttons that were pushed get the best of you. Let what you can appreciate change how you see your child. Then notice what is different for you–how you feel, how your child responds, how a situation unfolds a bit more positively or less intensely, or how maybe it is just YOU feel better about it all no matter how your child feels.

And especially, notice how your relationship feels stronger, better, more connected, maybe even lighter and more joyful. Pay attention and appreciate, for what we focus on grows. Let’s intentionally put our attention to all that we want more of!

I think you may be delighted in what shifts.

Great Relationships

March 27, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“How To Raise an Independent Child with the Right Values” A powerful short video. I so appreciate Dr. Coulson sharing his story. Important for all of us as we work to parent well. (Thank you to The Daily Goalcast on Facebook).

“Well, dammit, they are good rules and I expect you’ll keep them. That is part of being in this family.” Potentially said after a teen daughter shares big upset over not going to a party that had a lot of the less desirable things occurring…and therefore against the rules of the family.

Sounds good, hmmm? Especially when those good rules are all about keeping our children safe, our values upheld, US feeling calm, proud, and IN CONTROL.

How about: “You are nearly an adult. I think these rules are good rules. Do we need to rethink the rules?”

It comes down to what we want the most as a parent. Do we want our child to become a future independent, strong-from-the-inside-out, responsible adult with a relationship with them that feels healthy, strong, close? Or do we want a future adult who resents us, pushes back against us, refuses to be a part of our lives? And potentially struggles, deeply, with adulthood?

It really is our choice.

As Dr. Justin Coulson says in his story, “Force creates resistance. Great relationships build autonomy, which allows us to leverage trust and builds massive influence.”

THIS is what I and many others write about, share, encourage for parents--the ability to step into a place of positive influence with your focus on building a GREAT relationship.

It requires a PAUSE (more like a million pauses…). If you take the few minutes to watch this, you will discover a very key pause of Dr. Coulson’s that made all the difference in the world to his daughter.

It requires us to LET GO of controlling our child–of trying to make them do things our way, to feel the way we want them to feel, to think how we want them to think.

It asks us to role-model INTEGRITY. To live the very values and feelings and actions we hope to see in our child. Yet give them the space to decide for themselves what their values, feelings, and actions will be.

It demands us to grow ourselves–to be able to manage all that ANXIETY parenting brings. Where Dr. Coulson pauses to finally ask his daughter about revisiting the rules, he is also working ever so hard to control is anxiety over what could be her answer…as parents, we all live this.

THIS is why we try so hard to control our children’s actions–so we don’t have to manage our anxiety.

Hal Runkel of screamfree calls this (and so do I) being “responsible for” rather than “responsible to.” Check out my article, “You are not responsible FOR your child.” By being more focused on getting our child to do things the way we want them to do, we are asking them to manage OUR feelings. That how WE feel is really up to them, that they are responsible for OUR feelings. Hmmmm.

Totally unhealthy. And quite common as we struggle with how to deal with all the upset parenting can bring. It communicates to our child our lack of confidence in their ability to learn about and manage their own thoughts and feelings, that they need us to manage their life, that we don’t think how they feel is of value, that we cannot handle how they are thinking and feeling. Hence they need to do it our way.

So really, this is more about us, this parenting deal. More about OUR ability to think of that future adult we intend to send off into the world.

To grow ourselves.

To think about just what kind of relationship we do want with our children.

To let a PAUSE lead the way, to be willing to step into the uncomfortable, and RESPECT our children enough to ask questions, listen to their answers, share our thoughts…

…yet let go of demanding they do it our way.

And now? You are far more likely to nurture

that Great Relationship, build autonomy, have a strong

foundation in TRUST, and be that positive influence–that MASSIVE influence your child needs the most.

Check this story out. Ask questions. Share your story. I care about all of our relationships, for it is how we can change the world…

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Our Children, Our Technology

March 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

“How can we think our pre-teens and teens can handle it any better? I mean, surely we don’t think, because they can navigate the technology itself better than adults, this means they can fully manage its usage, and its effects on their psyches, their relationships, their self-worth?” (Hal Runkel, screamfree)

Okay–I’m going up on that soapbox of mine (consider yourself warned!) and I invite you to step up alongside.

How we intend for our future teens and adults to manage their world begins with our little ones. This now includes a tremendous amount of technology–and is directly influenced by OUR use of technology. What we role-model from infancy on is crucial.

It really does begin with us. So…consider this:

A baby needs a present, responsive caregiver able to tune into their nuances, rhythms, needs.

When we interact with phone in hand, we are distracted at best. What does our baby “hear”? That caring for another means choosing to be interrupted, less present, our attention divided by choice. That what they need the most to grow in a healthy way is secondary to tending to our phones, texts, Face book, tweets, snapchats, instagram, you name it.

Now baby has to work harder at getting her needs met, leading to being even more fussy, unsettled, ultimately stressed-–and this interrupts healthy growth. Not what any of us intend…nor want as it just makes our job even harder.

Know that a toddler or preschooler will copy EVERY thing you do.

As you grab your phone to talk or text while driving, or eating, or out meandering through the park with them, or bathing them, or in the midst of reading books with them they learn oh-so-much about what we deem is most important in life. That being distracted and tending to digital devices rather than being present to all the richness of the world around us, to the people we are with is how we are supposed to be in this world.

No matter how hard we try to “hide” our use (sort of like those Christmas gifts we try to sneak onto the grocery cart thinking they aren’t noticing …), they see it–clearly–and are constantly filing it away in their brains as how to live and be in this world. And as with our babies, their need for a tuned in and responsive caregiver goes unmet–and you can count on behavior to ramp up . And no, this soap box moment is not about never using our phones. It is about becoming intentional with our use…fully present to whatever we are doing.

Never think an elementary child will miss the fact…

…that you are distracted by your phone when you pick them up from school tossing a “How was your day, sweetie?” over your shoulder as you text away in the front seat. And then you wonder why they ignore you, or drive you nuts trying to get your attention, or just generally act up and make the transition from school to home totally unpleasant.

OR discover, because they, too, have a device that gets them on line, how they can “interact” with all kinds of people without you even knowing they are. And then share things that would truly disappoint and even scare you. Because they can…and they don’t have the brain growth to know that they shouldn’t. Heck, what they see you do is what they think they are doing, therefore it must be okay, right?

Never think a TEEN, with a brand new drivers license…

…will decide to safely manage their phone (aka OFF or silenced and out of reach) as they navigate streets and highways just because you’ve always said what NOT to do yet rarely followed through with it yourself. Remember back when they were little and you were busily talking or texting while driving? They haven’t forgotten. Or you might find they decide that what is most important is to get lost on their screens to the point of no connection with you at all. Or take what they did as elementary students “playing around” with somewhat unhealthy on-line interactions and evolve them into what can become truly dangerous “connections.” In real time and in-person. Or the anxiety and depression that comes as teens get totally lost in all things screens to the cost of all their relationships. All very scary.

Maybe it stirs up too much anxiety for you as you consider stepping away from your phone or device.

That’s okay. Any change in our life can stir up anxiety. Taking it in small steps for short amounts of time can help. And I guarantee, over time with your commitment, you will discover things to feel oh-so-much-better.

Try it in little ways…

…commit to reading one more book to your child before answering the text you know just came in.

…try tucking your phone into your purse AND on silent while greeting your child from school or daycare.

…put your phone away as you eat lunch with your child.

…declare dinner times digital free times and slide all devices into a drawer and out of sight.

…take a paper list into the store and leave your phone in your car.

…take a real camera on your next adventure instead of using your cell phone.

…commit to finishing whatever chore or game or conversation you are in the midst of before taking a look at your phone.

That’s all. Just a few minutes at a time. What a difference it can make as you give your child your full, un-distracted attention. And then, when it is time to get back to your phone? Let your child know. And give your phone your full attention. What a way to strengthen YOUR intent on all things balanced and healthy. What a way to role-model living and relating well.

Let’s get better at managing our devices in healthy ways. You, your children, and our world deserve this.

Okay. Stepping off the soap box…thank you for listening. Hoping you’ll take action!

With respect and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Day in the Life: Papa and Two Young Boys

March 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

Being home all day with young children can be ever-so-exhausting AND rewarding.

A story from a Papa who did just this as Mama recovered from illness. Here is his Day’s Tally with his 20-month-old and 4.5-year-old boys. Let it put a smile on your face, a nod of “Yep. That’s us!” Appreciate how FULL a day can be with seemingly little progress...

I am most certain he, once again, appreciates the work his wife does every single day as a Stay-at-home Mama 🙂 :

~ Kids bathed and dressed–woo hoo! A feat unto itself to actually be DONE in the morning.
~ Kids fed
~ Syrup and milk sodden clothes removed–ha!
~ Kids showered once again…
~ Kids dressed–again.
~ Go fish games, puzzles, making forts, being kids–PLAY time!
~ Kids are hungry – decided on grilled cheese sandwiches…YUM.
~ The youngest disappears to snuggle with Mama; Eldest says, “Let’s make pudding, first!” (Something a Papa, taking over the Stay-at-Home Parent shift, is happily willing to do!)
~ Youngest escapes Mama Snuggles to help Big Brother with that DEEE-licious pudding!
~ 3 cups worth of banana pudding hits the floor–oh those eager toddler hands… 🙂
~ Pudding sodden clothes removed and dumped in pile–who has time for laundry, anyway?!
~ New batch of pudding made–better than having everyone melt down into tears over spilled pudding…
~ Grilled cheeses finally made, kids fed
~ Cleaned bird cages–together. Hmmm. Perhaps more of a mess made before clean is had?
~ Back to building more forts, did stick-on tattoos, exhaustion creeping up–on kids, too 🙂
~ Late naps–yet naps are at least had!
~ Played in forts once again
~ Dinner thrown together…cereal? Chicken? Some bits and pieces of something?
~ Pudding and stories–oh yes, STORIES.
~ Kids Showered once again–pudding and bird cages and forts and tattoos leave one rather sticky and icky all over again.
~ Kids in bed FINALLY. Zonked in 30sec. This bedtime stuff? What a breeze…
~ Mopping the kitchen floor. About a half gallon of milk landed on the floor today between pudding and cups being set on the floor between sips, sticky cheese dripped from sandwiches, sticky pudding, too…

And finally, falling into bed himself and zonked in 30 seconds…!

A Day in the Life of a Papa and Two Little Boys…and we wonder why we can rarely get (other) things DONE.

Thank you to the Papa who shared this story!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Happens to Childhood?

March 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments

What happens to childhood when we are constantly

filming (and posting) our kids’ every antic?

I so appreciate this article: Their Tube: When every moment of childhood can be recorded and shared, what happens to childhood?

Aside from the marketing directed at kids (something very disturbing and deserves real scrutiny and discretion), this is a trend I believe can have real negative repercussions when done as a way of life. And YES it is also completely understandable because we truly love watching our kids and all their antics and want to share with friends and family so they won’t miss out…and yet…

I think so much can be lost. Here’s why:

~ It means we, the adults–instead of simply observing (and soaking it up!)–are distracted by OUR screen as we work at filming our kids, and often taking time to then share on social media. When this is our norm–filming everything–our attention to our device rather than being fully present to our child can communicate to our kids that it is the device and “all those out there” that are most important. Probably not what any of us intend.

~ It means our children are more focused “out there.” Focused on all those potential viewers OR on just seeing themselves doing something “on camera.” Which, by the way, IS totally fun–yet when it’s the norm, their play is getting constantly interrupted and directed less by what they like, feel, imagine, create and way more by how those “out there” may respond, may like, may want.

In order to grow well, our kids need lots of

time and opportunity to tune into their feelings, ideas, thoughts, how their body feels–discovering who THEY are as individuals, rather than who they think they need to be for the attention and “likes” and accolades of online life.

~ Our kids are distracted. Instead of getting lost in their play, in their own imagination and ideas; instead of staying focused at length (so very very necessary for all things learning and success through life), they are constantly stopping their play to “watch themselves” or check the “likes”, or seeing if they are doing what it is they saw another doing on-line in just the “right way.” They are constantly interrupting their own thought process to check in on “out there.” What a way to undermine exactly what is needed to learn–ability to focus and attend at LENGTH. To imagine. To create. To fire from the inside-out.

~ Our kids are more caught up in “staging” their play (or copying another’s idea) rather than getting lost in their OWN ideas and feeling good about them. Our kids are learning their self-worth depends on the attention they get from “out there” rather than from the inside-out–something we want to avoid, especially as we think about those teen years and how important it is for our teens to feel their self-worth comes from inside themselves rather than turning to peers for constant approval. Especially when those peers are pushing for sex or drugs or alcohol.

PAUSE today. Consider stepping

away from filming and recording. Try observing in”real time”

for a while. Give your children the opportunity to just

be themselves FOR themselves.

What a way to communicate confidence in who they are; that they are important and valued as they are. Encourage lengthy play time to be creative and imaginative.

And when you do quietly record them? Make it special. A treat. Then put your phone away and let them get on with their play. And just think! Now you have a story to share with friends and family, rather than a video. And stories? They can be rich and meaningful when shared. Talk about using OUR imagination, too!

Childhood is meant for this. To play, explore, do a child’s work--without needing constant attention and what they see as “approval” from all those viewers “out there.” Or to get all their ideas from another.

Go play today! Un-distracted. Creatively. At length. And enjoy. What a gift to your children AND to their childhood.

Respectfully,

Alice

Story Time! Two young boys…

March 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you that I hope puts a smile on your face!

Two boys, ages 4 and 6. A mom who works from home. A dad who travels regularly. A new dog, a small and somewhat (!!) effective fenced yard. And a family who takes screen time and makes it minimal time. Oh, and balls. Lots and lots and lots of balls. Add in two relatively unknown visitors landing at their home–“Uncle” Mike and Alice (yup, me!). Two nights and two days and so much to appreciate!

What did I notice and appreciate?

The natural reservation of Mr. 6-year-old. Watching and absorbing these two visitors…and then discovering with total glee that “Uncle” Mike would play ball no matter the rain outside. The abundance of hugs from Mr. 4-year-old who raced outside along with his brother to bat and throw and run and laugh.

Two very different approaches and both honored and respected. No pushing for Mr. 6-year-old–he was always given time to warm up on his OWN time. Equally so was the matter-of-fact welcoming of all the hugs his brother liked to give others…no extra attention to one way of being or another. Just both accepted, respected, enjoyed. Sometimes puzzled over…

Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.

And when the ball(s) couldn’t be found? No worries. There was always another ball to use! Then there was the “toss the ball” game, way up high in the air, calling out each other’s names to run and catch and tag. A football and a soccer ball appeared next and yet another game of catch and giggles and running and wrestling matches followed. Always wrestling matches.

Indoors? It was Alice’s camera-–you know, the kind that only takes photos and has only a viewfinder? Remember those? Each boy had many-a-turn slinging the strap over their necks (“I’ll be careful, Alice!”) and working at using a viewfinder–Mr. 6 figured it out immediately and of course his favorite photo he took was of his dog’s rear end… 🙂 Fits of giggles!

Mr. 4? Oh the difficulty of squinting and viewing just through that little window at the top of the camera–yet his delight in all his photos–whether they were of the ceiling or the floor or a partial body caught accidentally as he clicked away. Never was he disappointed or frustrated--he just kept working at figuring out the view finder. Talk about persistence!

I know what struck me the most as I delighted in my time with this young family…

The calm nature of mom even when she was stressed and how her calm permeated everything. She works on this, by the way. It is the gift of growing your ability to PAUSE.

The space for the boys to just, well, be boys.

The simplicity of the play that always unfolded as a result of no screens. Playing catch outside, running running running, pushing toy planes around on the kitchen floor, working with my camera, and always weaving throughout their play the wrestling matches.

What a gift to these boys that Mom and Dad have intentionally kept things simple.

What a way to grow intrinsically motivated, problem solving,

**creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life.** Truly capable and competent.

And yes. There are frustrations. Plenty. From “NO. I don’t WANT to” to all the NOISE of BOYS and a mama just tired of it all. From Dad still discovering that telling his 6-year-old to do something doesn’t work quite as well as asking him what he can do. Especially when they are trying to get out the door on time.

Then there was Mr. 4’s attempt to carry the dog in his kennel down the stairs. That ended in tears. And everyone, dog included, okay. But really, all that was about was his excitement in sharing their new addition, their dog, with “Uncle” Mike and Alice! Excitement and belief in his capable and competent self.

A story to hopefully put a smile on your face.To remind you of how important simple things are for kids. To encourage you a bit more in letting your child(ren) just be. To play. To have balls and sticky notes and a real camera on occasion. And to work hard at PAUSING and breathing and maybe just sitting and folding laundry as the chaos surrounds you.

With JOY and appreciation,

YES, my MAD button gets pushed…

February 22, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Know what I do when my MAD button is pushed?

You know, the times I’m RIGHT and my child needs to behave accordingly? I get louder. And LOUDER…more insistent. Heated up. I yell–or at least “raise my voice.” I often get into that “controlled” (?!) angry place. Because they have to listen, right? AND behave. Of course, that rarely works. Or if it does work it is at the cost of our relationship–it becomes relationship depleting rather than relationship building.

You know what I often do when my ANXIOUS button gets pushed?

I check out. You know, when something comes up with your kids that just makes you over the top anxious or worried or really, really uncomfortable? I hide. I check out. I disappear into the bathroom or head outside in the hopes it will all fix itself and go away.

It feels like a PAUSE, but really, it is a “scream”–for instead of taking care of my anxiety and letting my calm confidence and connection lead the way, I very loudly in a very quiet way say, “I cannot handle how uncomfortable this is making me feel, so you cannot count on me to walk alongside you and your troubles and help you discover what you can do…” I disappear and feel incredibly relieved when it (seemingly) resolves itself. At least temporarily resolves itself. Funny how the situation always rears its head once again and in a bigger way the next time around.

This checking out? It really doesn’t communicate our confidence in our children (or ourselves). It really doesn’t help our kids figure out a bit more how to really manage their feelings or behavior. It really doesn’t do anything but temporarily ease anxiety and deplete the relationship a little bit more.

And require it all to happen again and often in a bigger way because we really didn’t learn anything the first time around.

Basically it is pushing my PAUSE button without

pushing PLAY once again.

This PAUSE I continually encourage in you (and me)? It requires stepping back into the challenge or conflict or uncomfortable situation–but this time with calm connection focused on and leading the way so you can respond instead of react.

And yes, sometimes your “stepping back in” IS waiting to see what unfolds–and instead of checking out you are now tuning in, listening, paying attention–instead of tuning out. You are being a responsive and connected parent even if you stay quiet. Your kids can tell. YOU can tell the difference between checking out because of anxiety or pausing to stay focused and listening. Very different experiences.

THIS is what PAUSE is all about–it now becomes

relationship building.

It helps us to get a bit better at managing OUR feelings (anxiety!), and let’s us role-model for our children just what it is like to be a mature adult. Or at least acting as such 🙂 . It communicates, “I can handle how you feel and how you behave. We will be okay.” What a powerful message of security to a child that the most mature one CAN handle the least mature’s behavior! With this feeling of security, a child can more likely handle themselves a bit better and challenging situations can spiral up a bit less.

This kind of PAUSE communicates, “You can count on me to

keep it together no matter what you do.”

What a way to build trust–to give a child the space to bounce around in all their BIG feelings knowing, without a doubt, that you will hold that space for them. What a way to (eventually) become the resource your future teen will turn to when the going gets tough because they CAN count on you and trust you.

So if you are like me and find you check out and tune out in the hopes that everything will work itself out, PAUSE right now and consider just what works best for you to calm your own anxiety and push your play button once again.

For me, it is first allowing myself to check out. Then I pause and breathe–deeply–in and out. What a physical calming that creates! Then I think about how I really want this uncomfortable situation to “look”–what I want my kids to learn, what I hope they walk away from it understanding, how I want to feel as a result.

I take a moment to find a memory–however old–of when I DID feel that calm confidence and connection despite anxiety–or maybe just felt the calm confidence and connection, period.

Then on goes my “calm confidence” hat–often acting as if initially, and step back into the uncomfortable situation with the gentle confidence I know I CAN feel and the calm connection my children need the most from me. From there,I trust. I trust what I say, I trust that my kids are doing and experiencing just what they need to in order to learn and grow the most.

I listen better (not perfectly, but better). I try to stop myself from solving what I see as the problem. I let go of solutions and look instead to the next step. I bite my tongue and try not to interrupt as they pour out their feelings and ideas and upset. That can be incredibly difficult…

I definitely make sure I’m in no hurry–I have learned that no matter the time crunch involved, things are far more successful if I just plunk myself down in the midst of the upset and wait it out by joining in alongside. Calmly. With that gentle confidence and calm connection hat in place. I stay present.

And again, I trust. I trust that nothing can take away the fact I AM their parent–the calm guide I intend to be. I trust in that space PAUSE gave me and is giving them. I use a lot of encouraging self-talk to keep myself in this space. A lot.

And it works. It gets “easier” each time I succeed. It can for you, too. You, too, can use PAUSE to step back, get calm and clear, and then re-connect and respond. You can tip the balance from checking out to tuning in. You can–I know, because I am doing it, too.

I wanted to share so you know the work you are doing I am doing as well. This is what our parenting journeys are all about–growing ourselves as we parent our children with the calm confidence and connection they need the most. There is no end to this growth–we just get to keep getting better and stronger and tipping the balance towards more and more relationship-building experiences. For that is what it is all about. Relationships.

Let’s start today focusing on PAUSE and the calm connection that can follow as we step back into the play of things.

Thinking of each of you…
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Seven! Such a Magic Age!

February 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

I got lost in a little 7-year-old magic last night.

The quick smiles, dimples included. Eye-twinkles galore. Jokes! So many…ridiculous, funny, sometimes a bit edgy as Mr. 7 tests out just what IS okay…

The home-made birthday wrapping paper with “My BEST cursive, Alice!” all over it. And a poem. Written by him! His delight in his work was probably the best gift of all…

Watching the made up card game played with a certain favorite 23-year-old. Mr. 7 “shuffled” (that took effort!), dealt, and the two of them created a game of addition that had one then the other discarding until the numbers added up to “a dollar.” They played this for half-an-hour straight. Math, turn taking, creative ideas, fine motor skills, conversation, laughter, full presence–a wonderful and magical connection. Very cool.

The perpetual motion of a 7-year-old boy. Spinning, plopping, hopping, twisting, somersaulting…and then sitting. At length. That made-up card game once again. Oh, and dessert. Let’s not forget sitting for dessert! Yum.

The “apple pie” made by Mr. 7. “Apple” because even though one thinks it is truly an apple pie, the twinkle in Mr. 7’s eyes tells you there is something amiss with that description…oh yes, it was delicious and safe to eat . It was a recipe taken from his favorite chemistry experiment cook book–and the “apple” is really Ritz crackers and lemon combined! Totally fun.

The concentration and questions asked as Mr. 7 checked out the 23-year-old’s scar and pin in her foot from foot surgery. Pretty awesome from his standpoint! The discussion the two had over the surgery process, the various metal now in that foot, the bones worked on…Mr. 7 and Ms 23. What a pair they are. Two scientists, heads bent together, discussing important-to-them things. I do believe Mr. 7 will follow in Ms 23’s footsteps…all things SCIENCE. Or at least all things DISCOVERY. How cool is that?

Oh, and Mr. 7’s description of his upcoming science fair idea! Cups, duct tape, soil, seeds…he has his experiment in mind, he has full support of his parents, he’s thought through just what HE thinks might or might not happen. His idea. Fully supported. And HE is excited. What a way to learn…to discover…to empower.

I was lost in ALL of his magic.

What a delight to watch a 7-year-old BE seven. Fully.

Ideas pouring out of him. Games created. Conversation enjoyed. Respect for his thoughts and desires and abilities.

Totally awesome.

Today, find these magical moments. Go get lost in them a bit. Know that the chaos WILL settle and incredible learning and growth is occurring right before your eyes.

It is, quite simply, amazing.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Screen time CAN be meaningful…

February 18, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Screen time CAN be a rich learning and relationship building experience for children. In honor of Mister Rogers–truly a hero of mine–I want to share a letter I stumbled upon once again that he wrote to my daughter when she was a young preschooler and absorbed by watching Mister Rogers on TV:

“Dear Emily,

You have made this a beautiful day in our Neighborhood–with your wonderful pictures and your caring message. It was interesting to see your drawings of the horse and the person and the things you did on the piece of construction paper. It was also good to see the way you decorated your envelope and the way you did some writing on your paper. That’s such a good way to begin learning about writing.

You are growing and learning many new things every day. I’m proud of the many ways you’re growing, and I hope you are, too.

In your letter, you told me that you enjoy doing some of the things we do on our television visits. That’s good to know. I’m always glad to know that my television friends like to have their own play about the things we show. And, you have such good ideas about the things you do.

Emily, it was kind of a grownup to help you send your pictures and your message to me. You are fortunate to have a grownup who cares so much about you and about the things that are important to you.

You are special and you make each day a special day for the people who care about you–just because you’re you.

Your television friend,
Mister Rogers”

I share this to show how, when we use screen time as a launching pad for hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body play, it becomes something that can be truly worthwhile.

My daughter loved watching Mister Rogers. We limited TV watching time to 30-minutes a day (except for those days of exhaustion…then it stretched out a bit further…), and it was Mister Rogers that was always chosen. We’d watch, we’d talk about it, and following the show she nearly always went to make–in her own way–the project he did on the show. I particularly remember the rain stick she so quickly jumped up to make–a paper towel tube, tape, rice, a bit of wax paper and markers.

And as this letter shows, she took it even farther–drawing and writing to someone she cared about…and he returned with such a warm and detailed account of what she did–you can tell he truly studied her work.

How cool is that? What a deposit into a little girl’s SELF. What a way to have her focused on her abilities, on what is truly important–caring for each other.

What a way to take a screen experience and turn it into a rich

learning and growth opportunity.

You can just imagine her response as she received and opened a letter to her in the mail. The grin, the straightening of her shoulders, the prance of her feet. And you can just imagine how off she went to draw, create, write once again to her new friend, Mister Rogers–as well as to her grandmother, a card for her daddy to surprise him when he got home, and a little something for her buddy next door, too.

Letter writing! What fun and how incredibly important it can be, for it fosters creativity, imagination, story-telling, sharing, connecting with others, thinking about others, caring for others. All sparked by her connection with Mister Rogers.

I kept the letter. My daughter is now 26. And I can guarantee she remembers, warmly, her Mister Rogers times–for he does screen time right..

He builds relationships.

Here’s to you, Mister Rogers. I think of you often and see you as the role-model for all of us. I deeply appreciate who you were, how you still inspire, your understanding of what is important to grow healthy children.

You have always been and will always be a hero of mine.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Power of Respect

February 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What does stopping tickling when your child says stop, knocking on your child’s bedroom door and wait for a “come in!”, and asking first if they want a hug have to do with growing a future respectful teen?

Plenty. Think about this. You want your (future) teen to:

…have a strong sense of self.

…be able to say no to negative peer pressure or unwanted sexual activity.

…have a clear idea of what feels right and good to him or her and be that self-directed, responsible soul you wish for.

…show respect, both for themselves and for others (including you!)

And you know what? You CAN have a teen who is strong from the inside out, able to know themselves well and say NO as necessary. You CAN have a teen who shows you, themselves, and others respect.

Here’s how…

Begin right now to model for your little ones just the

kind of respect that grows a future teen able to do all of this.Model how he or she deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies, respecting their space; both emotional and physical.

What does this look like with younger children? A few ideas:

~ Stop tickling when they say no or stop or don’t. Just STOP. No negotiating. No “Are you sure???” No “Okay!” followed by “Just one more tickle and I’ll stop! I promise!”

~ Knock first on their bedroom and bathroom door and ask to come in. Wait for their answer. And if you need to go in? Knock, ask, pause, and then let them know, “I need to come in now…” and pause again to let them respond before you slowly open the door and head on in.

~ Ask first if they are ready for a hug, and wait for their answer. If it’s a NO, respect it. If it’s a YES, enjoy it!

~ Ask first if they are ready to have their face washed, their shampoo rinsed, their diaper changed, and wait for them to respond. For they will. And if their response is that they aren’t ready—then perhaps you can wait a bit more saying, “I can tell you aren’t quite ready. We’ll do one more book…splash in the suds for 2 more minutes…and then it’ll be time for me to help you…” And you do—both wait and follow-through.

~ Calm your anxiety over their messy room–give them that space to call their own and be responsible for it. What a way for your child to learn how to manage a space, to discover just what they do like and can tolerate. Key, you know, for future dorm rooms and shared apartments…

And yes, that means letting go of the mess that accumulates other than the once a month obligatory deep clean :-). Or something to that effect…because instead of a deep clean, maybe it is just a weekly collection of dirty dishes. Or clothes. Or maybe it is, “Having your buddy over to spend the night sounds wonderful! Let’s see what we can sort through in your room so you can find space for sleeping bags…”

~ Let them struggle--affirm the difficulty, the feelings; ask them what they think they can do. Describe what you see as they work at a stubborn puzzle piece. Let them know you are there and when they are ready, you are happy to help…and then step back. Hard at times, for we are so wired to “fix a problem” rather than see it as the growth opportunity it really is…

~ Give them options other than kissing or hugging Aunt Martha, Grandpa, the old friends coming to visit. Let them know they get to decide how to greet or say goodbye in a way that is comfortable to them. And that includes no greet or goodbye.

Respecting their feelings gives them the chance to figure out what feels right and good to them.

And of course, once Aunt Martha, Grandpa, or the old friends are gone, you can have conversations about how greeting and good-bye-ing are ways we show we care. You can have conversations about just how THEY want to show this care.

~ Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and then accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way…instead accept, then share what you think. And now their ideas are valued. Some pretty amazing conversations can emerge as a result!

Respect. Model it from day one–and you will more likely grow a teen with a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate pressures in healthy ways AND you will have a little one who better manages their selves—and parenting can get a bit easier…

Truly all around relationship building.

With JOY and appreciation.,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Applesauce and Goodbyes

February 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed:

~ The 6-year-old boy at the store scrutinizing the apples, choosing with care the one he wanted, for he had decided to make applesauce. As I paused to watch, his patient, smiling, quietly watching mom said he had read the ingredients on the back of his favorite applesauce snack, and decided he wanted to make this all on his own. So apples it was…and a banana, as well.

I so appreciated mom respecting her son’s idea, giving him the opportunity to figure it out, supporting him along the way. I’ll bet some delicious home-made applesauce (maybe with a dollop of ice-cream!) was enjoyed at home that night! What a way to grow a confident, capable, competent young man.

~ The rather harried yet outwardly calm mom with three energetic boys full of beans in the grocery store. Two were marching along fairly involved with the shopping, one had decided to start a melt-down. “I don’t WANT to walk…I don’t WANT to be in the cart…I don’t WANT…”

Mom quietly and calmly let him know he could cool his jets and continue helping out, or ride in the cart. “I don’t WANT to…” and jelly legs began. Up he went as mom matter-of-factly picked him up and negotiated the now ACTIVE legs into the cart, buckled him in, and began to put her attention elsewhere.

What a way to communicate “You can count on me to keep it together no matter what you do” to her son–a powerful way to help him feel secure and grow the trust so necessary for healthy relating. What a way to communicate her confidence in his ability to ultimately learn more about managing himself--another powerful message that helps him help himself.

I tapped her on the shoulder and let her know how I noticed her ability to stay calm and what a gift this was to her son. Her response? A relieved and grateful smile and, “It can be so HARD at times…” YES. It sure can be. All the more reason to notice and appreciate parents as they navigate the hard–whether they are also falling apart or able to keep it together. It is to be appreciated

~ The 25 and 22-year old young adults taking intentional time to have special time and good-byes with their little friends—a 6-year-old and a 1-year-old. Both young adults were heading off to college and grad programs; both little ones will miss them. The first grader brought a bag FULL of college study snacks–granola bars, fruit snacks, chocolate, home-made trail mix…yum. And the hugs he and his favorite babysitter exchanged will last a semester! Not to mention the cards and letters they mail to each other…

The one-year-old knew little about leaving on jet planes, but he sure knew a lot about great big hugs, open-mouthed-ready-to-eat-you kind of kisses, and sticky good-bye waves. He topped it off with blowing kisses to his 25 and 22-year-old friends, copying their every move as they, too, blew them right back.

I so appreciated the time and attention given to these blossoming relationships–what a way to connect meaningfully, to fill one’s bucket, to love another. These young adults and their little friends? They are off to a solid start for building and enjoying wonderful relationships with each other.

Take time today to pause, notice, appreciate, and hopefully enjoy what unfolds for you or nearby you. Intentionally look for relationship building moments others are engaged in. Appreciate them–out-loud or just to yourself, it all counts. Encourage another parent who is in the midst of challenge. Take an extra moment to connect with a child. Notice what puts a smile on your face!

What we focus on grows, so let’s focus on appreciation and joy.

What a way to feel uplifted and energized even in the midst of the chaos of parenting .

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All During Preschool Drop-off…

February 1, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Moments caught and enjoyed today…

…The bright eyed 3.5 year old sharing with me her “sharing bag” for preschool. “I brought my ball!! Daddy blew it up cuz it was squishy and now it is hard…” all while squeezing extra hard the round shape tucked in her preschool sharing bag. “My muscles are growing!!” And off she danced carrying her bundle down the hall, eyes all a-twinkle…

…The toddler trooping in alongside brother and friend and mama to drop them off at preschool...his head cranked backwards as he found everything BEHIND him of much greater interest then what was in front of him. Tripping, plopping, up and trooping, always always with his head turned backwards… 🙂

…The HUGS as new-found-friends are re-discovered once again, as only preschoolers can do. The DELIGHT with which they greet each other leaves one thinking it had been years…rather than a day or two!

…The papas and mamas who all stopped in front of the preschool’s info board to read to their children what was happening in class that day. “Elephant valentines!” And off they’d go musing over just what an elephant valentine might be…

…The cling-on preschooler as mama tried to extract herself...“I see a post office! Would you like to go work on some letters to mail there? Or maybe bounce on the mini tramp…” Her efforts were seemingly futile as her child continued to wrap her arms around her legs, fussing and whining…until…ZOOM a buddy went zipping by on a trike and off went the little girl to climb on another trike and join in on the driving-round-and-round fun…and mama left with a smile on HER face!

…The mama of twin toddlers who, following drop off of her older child, took the necessary moments to sit with them in the free play area and let them explore. What a delight watching them immerse themselves, mama fully present and quietly watching…and then when it really was time to go, they agreeably trotted off and out the door. Despite the fact mama had a ton of errands to run and a tight time frame, she knew by pausing long enough to give them their time, HER time would go so much better :-).

Moments caught and enjoyed as preschool drop off continued. Boots being stomped to get the fresh snow off, lots of questions and conversations shared even as parents were rushing, turns taken as every single child wanted to be the door-opener-button-pusher. What a wonderful way to start MY day…so many smiles.

Enjoy your day! I am.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Magic of Respect

January 25, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

You know the cool thing about respectful interactions?

All the amazing things that emerge…

…babies who actively participate in care-giving routines–perhaps via closing their eyes and scrunching up their faces when you ask, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves.

What a way to grow their capable and competent selves.

…toddlers who are willing to stop what they are doing and come with you right away because most of the time you respect what they are working on and give them the time they need to finish. Toddlers who actually consider what you are saying and asking…and then nod happily and join in with the job. Pretty neat, the more we respect them, the more they listen and cooperate.

…older children who feel confident and in charge of themselves (so essential for a healthy self-esteem and identity come teen years!) because all along mom and dad have respected their limits, their feelings. You know, all those tickling, rough housing, pillow fights, peek-a-boo games we love to keep going? Our stopping when our child indicates they’ve had enough communicates our respect for their ability to manage themselves, know their own feelings, be in charge of their bodies.

…children able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.

Or spending 20 minutes trying to coordinate broom and dustpan and pile of dirt, getting frustrated, trying again, finding out the dirt spills off when they angle the pan wrong, trying again…getting frustrated…flopping on the floor…playing in the pile of dirt…then up and trying AGAIN.

Our affirmations and quiet presence as they move through the frustrations communicates our respect for the job they are doing; for their own ideas and decisions.

When we respect our child enough to keep

interruptions minimal, they have the opportunity to grow

themselves as a self-directed individual.

They now have the opportunity to truly learn what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do, to persevere, to think creatively, to discover how they feel…what a gift for their entire future, school and otherwise! And way less whining and “I’m bored!” to push your buttons, making our job a tad bit easier :-).

…young children saying, “I frusserated!” “STOP, I don’t like that!” “I need a hug.” “Mommy, I’m MAD at you!” rather than tantrums, melt-downs, hitting and biting. With our respectful affirmations and naming of their feelings without trying to fix them, our children learn to manage them selves–with words, stomping feet, withdrawing into their blankies…all the while working on learning just what we hope–appropriate expression of all those big feelings. Respect allows for this.

…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.

They know for sure that how they feel, what they think, and what they are interested in doing is important to you–and when anyone feels that way they are much more likely to listen, compromise, collaborate. To create those win/win solutions.

With respect in place, you are more likely to

nurture the growth of a self-directed, focused, persevering,

creative, problem solving, cooperative and collaborative

strong future teen and adult.

What more could we ask for?

Respectfully,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Mr. Three and STRONG Muscles!

January 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Story Time! Comment

A favorite story to share…

Mr. Three-year-old; a well-worn mini-trampoline; a backyard; clouds; a present adult (me).

That’s all. Here’s what I want to share–the simplicity of things, the value of SPACE to BE, what can unfold when that is all there is–the outdoors, a mini-tramp, and a few clouds.

Mr. Three: “I have STRONG muscles!” (as he jump jump jumps). “WATCH me RUN!” And off he jumps, running across the leaf and stick strewn back yard, pumping his arms back and forth…

Then ZIP! He turns and pumps his arms and churns his legs right on back towards me…

…and then Ker-PLOPS onto the ground. “I am TIRED. I need MORE muscles!”

Me: “How do you get more muscles?!”

Mr. Three: “Like THIS!” And onto the tramp and jump jump jump he goes singing, “Bumpity, bumpity, bump. I’m on a camel’s hump!” Then OFF he jumps and says, “WATCH! Now I have more MUSCLES!”

The running game continues…until…”I’m thirsty. I need more milk to get more muscles…” Off I go to get some milk, I return to find Mr. Three sitting on the mini-tramp staring upwards into the sky…

Mr. Three: “Alice, the clouds are MOVING. LOOK!”

We both stared up for a while, quietly enjoying the clouds blowing across the sky.

Me: “Where do you suppose they are going?”

Mr. Three pauses…considers…then his eyes light up and he says, “To ENGLAND! To visit EMILY and BECKY!” Two of his favorite adults who happen to be in the UK right now… 🙂

And then back to watching the clouds move “because they have strong muscles, too.”

That’s all. Simple. Lovely. Space to be, think, watch, move, consider, share, laugh. It warmed my heart. It filled my bucket. It deposited a bit more into a lovely relationship with a certain special Mr. Three-year-old.

Today, keep it simple. Listen. Watch. Enjoy.

No need to fill “empty” space. No need to supply toys or

playthings or “corrections” or even ideas.

Just take a moment to BE with your certain special person, listening and watching and thoroughly enjoying.

What a lovely way to begin your day and the inevitable chaos and craziness and BUSY it gets filled with.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

I’ve Got To Pick My Battles!

January 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I’ve got to pick my battles!”

Pretty familiar, those words. If we haven’t said it ourselves, someone else has or we’ve been given the advice to “Pick your battle!”

Whether or not to have yet another fight with your child over cleaning up their toys, being home on time, dressing appropriately, putting their laundry away, keeping their hands to themselves, listening to you (the FIRST time), packing their backpack, remembering their homework, being respectful, NOT talking back or rolling eyes or using THAT tone of voice…is worth entering into yet again. Pick, because fighting over everything is just plain exhausting.

Feels like a battle, doesn’t it?

Fighting your way through their resistance, trying to

“get the upper hand”, “win”, be respected as the adult and the parent, to just get your child to behave…

And yet…think about this. If we go into something thinking “battle” (thank you screamfree), we are now preparing ourselves for a fight––for a win/lose situation. And boy, we’ve GOT to win this one. Because, well, we are the adult and we DO know better. Right?

It becomes a battle when we are out to get our child to do it the way WE want, the way WE see it should be, and perhaps the way it really ought to be much of the time. Perhaps. It becomes a battle when we can’t handle when our child makes a choice different from what we want and we work even harder to “get them to…”

And they work harder resisting resisting resisting. Let the battle continue.

Here’s my thought. What if we let go of “battle” and instead see the behavior as an opportunity to grow rather than a problem to fix—as a chance to let our child discover a bit more about themselves? About what they like and don’t like; what they can and cannot do; what is their responsibility and what isn’t…? Key things for healthy growth and future maturity–knowing more about yourself. Now what might you do?

I think you might…

…affirm your child’s feelings in the matter, letting them process a bit via a PAUSE on your part. A PAUSE that has you working at calming yourself down, as well 🙂

…ask questions first, rather than dictate and insist, then PAUSE so you have a chance to listen and consider. What a way to show respect! What a way to learn a bit more about how your child ticks.

…be clear about what the choices are, what is expected and then PAUSE once again to give your child the opportunity to respond, consider, maybe even offer up another idea.

…then step in and follow through calmly and matter-of-factly with whatever the choice is; with whatever the result might be from the choice made.

**An example for you–homework freakout.**

Oh no. Yet another afternoon of dragging your child through their homework. A dreaded time, for your child typically falls apart, throws a fit, stomps off, laments “I can’t DO this…” THIS time is different. THIS time you let a PAUSE lead the way and you let go of it being a battle you are out to win:

You: “This really isn’t working for you, is it? Your math is HARD. You look pretty tired and frustrated right now.” Affirming and acknowledging what is happening and how they are feeling is key.

Child: “I can’t DO this! It’s TOO hard. I just want to go outside and play…”

You: “Do you think some time outside would help? I know the math needs to be turned in tomorrow…what do you think would work best for you to get it done?” Asking questions rather than telling them what to do communicates your confidence in their capable selves able to figure things out.

Child: “I want to go outside NOW. I promise I’ll do the math later…”

You: “I bet that would feel really good. Here’s the deal–dinner is in an hour. Do you want to head out to play until dinner and then tackle your homework, or would you like to get it done before dinner? If it’s done before dinner, we will have time to play a board game after we eat…” Affirming their idea, giving them a clear framework for what they can expect.

Child: “Ummm….can you let me know when I should come in and do my math to get it done before dinner? I want to play Monopoly with you later…”

You: “Okay! Go have fun. I’ll check in in half an hour.” What a way to communicate your trust in their choice and ability to manage their choice.

Here’s the key, though. In half an hour your child probably will still want to play outside. That’s still a fair choice. You get to calmly remind them that doing homework after dinner is just fine–and it means Monopoly will have to wait until tomorrow. You are holding to your clear expectations without battling with your child over how he does homework. No threats to try to get them to still come in. Just a matter-of-fact reminder of results of certain choices.

So when dinner is done and it is homework time? One of two things will probably happen:

A child willing to tackle her math because you had respected their choice all along and stayed clear and firm about expectations…(and maybe a bit of moaning and groaning and attempts at still playing a game…)

OR…

A child who melts down because they really didn’t want to miss out on Monopoly.

And here is where you get to decide what

you want most to be learned.

If it is that you are the boss and what you say is what will happen then prepare for battle and what ultimately becomes pretty relationship depleting. This usually includes yelling at them or threatening losing out of all kinds of other things, or maybe even giving in and saying yes to the game (probably furthering the likelihood that tomorrow’s homework battle will be just as difficult and fiery…) Not a whole lot learned other than fighting is the way to be or if I (the child) push enough, mom gives in. Hmmmm.

Or, PAUSE. Stick to your promise of Monopoly tomorrow since your child’s choice was homework after dinner. Let your child melt down if that’s what they need to do. Start that affirming process again. Give them space. LET GO of the homework being done…for what is the worst case scenario? They return it to school the next day not finished. And then they get to discover what that means…and they learn a bit more about what IS their responsibility.

A real opportunity to learn, for you’ve gotten YOUR reactivity out of the way. And you’ve stuck to your promise, calmly, clearly, always in connection with your child BECAUSE you were calm and matter-of-fact…willing to let them lose it a bit…giving them the safe space to discover just what the results of their choice(s) look like, what they can expect, how they feel.

This is where real learning happens. Learning that allows a child

to understand themselves a bit more.

To feel accepted. To know they can count on you to keep it together no matter how they feel. To know they can count on you to show them the way, to walk alongside, to be their guide rather than nagging dictator…:-) To ultimately learn to manage THEIR feelings and actions. To feel and know what respect looks like.

Truly relationship building.

And it is a process, this growth. It takes time, PRACTICE, do-overs a-plenty, patience, self-care on your part, clarity of the kind of future adult you are hoping to launch into the world. It takes respect–respect for your child’s individuality–that they just might decide things quite differently from you.

You are their guide along this journey of growth and life.

Let the power of calm connection lead the way as often as possible…and you will discover “I’ve got to pick my battle!” no longer needs to be a part of your vocabulary.

And what a relief that can be.

I spy!

January 7, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Oh the JOY of a Mr. Nearly Four:

“I spy…something BROWN!”

“Is it…square?”

“Yeeesss…” (giggle giggle)

“Are there lots of them?”

Eyes roving…twinkling…head nodding.

“I know! It’s the cupboards!!”

“YES!” Giggles taking completely over.

“I spy…something black and grey and fuzzy…”

And on the game went. And oh, the JOY of playing! I had the privilege of spending time with Mr. Nearly Four and his Soon-to-be One-year-old brother. So many “little” things noticed and appreciated…such as…

...how Mr. Nearly Four could immerse himself in all things imaginative as we were all squeezed into a small camper with (seemingly) little to do.

Like…”Alice! Did you hear that scrunching noise? What do you s’pose made it? Maybe a dragon swishing his giant tail..?” And how he wiggled himself into my lap and reflected on stories we had made up about a certain fish in his life. Stories that began nearly a year ago…oh, the DELIGHT in re-telling them! And his curious explorations of how windows opened, lights turned on, switches controlled things (and then making all of this happen!). Discovery at its best.

…how Mr. Soon-to-be One quietly studied the small, new surroundings…watched these New-To-Him people…and on his own time and in his own way connected.

Like…crawl crawl crawl the short distance from table to bed and then PEEK back to say (all by the look on his face) “Come CHASE me!” And oh! The giggles and delight over this new to him adult (me!) crawl crawl crawling right after him…catching his toes. Or how he discovered the scratchy sound he could make on the chair fabric, or how his fingers could slip under and out and under again the edge of the carpet, or how he could make the lamp move on its hinge and worked at trying to get what looked like a small ball off the lamp…to no avail…

…how Mr. Nearly Four, despite ongoing conversation between other adults in this small space, could get completely absorbed in a book being read to him. Completely absorbed. All snuggled up together in a chair… This ability to focus at length on something? What a gift. For he will need that all through school and life in order to learn and grow well.

…and how Mr. Soon-to-be One, when a small toy turtle passed right by and out of his reach, he BURST into tears, folded himself in half and let all around him know how disappointed he felt that turtle passed him by. And how his mama rubbed his back and named his feeling and let him do the crying he needed. And when turtle made his way back towards Mr. Soon-to-be One? The SMILE that spread across his face…and off he crawled to follow Mr. Turtle, examine Mr. Turtle, taste Mr. Turtle…

Oh the JOY. Of simple things. Seemingly little things.And yet, all of this? Self-discovery at its best. Growth of so many necessary abilities–focus and attention, language, imagination, problem solving, understanding and managing feelings to name a few. These “little moments?” They mean a lot. Make the most of them every chance you can, for they really grow into the big things.

They “grow into” those wonderful, close, meaningful, healthy relationships that is what we all want the most. They ARE the connection between each other that has us able to grow in all ways wonderful.

Today, relish those little moments. They count–tremendously.

Here’s to the start of a wonderful week!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What We Miss

January 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

A story to share…

A morning walk along a wooded trail. A young family–Dad, dog, boy age 8-ish and girl age 5-ish marching along, kids with a spring in their step.

Upon closer inspection, blue lollipops being deliciously enjoyed! How fun, I thought. As we grew close enough, I said, “Hello!” and got an exuberant “HI!” greeting from the kids.

“Wow, you’ve got BLUE lollipops.” Big grins, blue decorating all parts of their faces . “I see blue all around your mouths…!” And out came a tongue–“Oh! Your tongue is blue, too!” GRIN. “Oh my goodness, look at your teeth–THEY are all blue!” BIG grins and giggles.

Then from the boy to me, “YOUR shirt is blue!” “Yes!”, I said, “It is…and hey, look, your sister’s shoes are blue!”

As dad approached the little girl giggled, “And daddy’s wearing blue, too!”

From me, “Look at your dog’s collar–it’s blue, too!”

The boy proclaimed: “It’s a BLUE day today!”

Off he and his sister marched with springs in their steps, lollipops licked, blue smiles across their faces, necks craning upwards as I added, “The sky is trying to be blue, too!”

Dad?

He was talking on his cell phone. Casually. Sending quick smiles my way…yet plugged into his cell phone. He was doing what many of us do when we are distracted–tossing in a comment ‘on the side’ to try to be a part of things, managing his wiggly dog (and getting tangled a bit!), glancing at his kids…and yet, he was missing so much of what was going on. Missing it. While on a short walk with his family through a wooded park.

Here’s what I wanted to see–no cell phone. Why? Because WITH the cell phone dad was distracted. Only partially there. Attention divided. And even though this no longer feels like a big deal in our current lives, for all of us do this to some extent, it IS a big deal. It is very much a DIS-connection.

And our children know it, feel it, are growing up with this DIS-connection as their foundation for what life and relationships are supposed to look like.

Without a cell phone to his ear here’s what this walk could have looked like:

A dad marching along with a grin on his face as he watched the antics of his kids. A dad pausing to join in on the BLUE fun. A dad who caught the fact that his 8-year-old was totally delightful in the moment with me, a complete stranger.

A dad who noticed his daughter’s uncertainty, her warming up, her attempt to draw him into our BLUE conversation. A dad who could go home and reflect on the memories of a walk in the woods, the spring in his kids’ steps, how his dog was glued to all things children, what his kids delighted in the most and spent time noticing.

A dad who could actively and authentically participate again and again with his kids as they tell and re-tell the story of their walk in the woods. For they will. Kids always do.

A dad who took this opportunity to be truly present, to feel connected, to deposit positively into his relationships with his children. Little moments like these count. They make up most of all of our days and they count. Hugely.

And YES, there ARE times we have to be on our cell phone. There are emergencies and tricky appointment call-backs. There are those endless stream of telephone tag games we are so DONE with that we keep that cell close and available no matter what. There are those calls from the school and from work and you name it.

And yet I feel and I know that we can do it differently.

We can, most of the time, do it without it being at a cost to the rich, deep, meaningful, lovely, delightful relationships we all want–including the connections via the phone that we have because, YES, those connections can be equally important and also deserve our full attention.

Ideas to consider:

Dad could have, prior to heading out on the walk, said, “Kids, I need to make a call. When I am finished, we’ll head out.” And then give his full attention to the call instead of doing the half-way paying attention that really wasn’t paying attention at all to the wonderful antics of his kids OR the person on the call with him.

He could have left it on silent and let all calls go to a message to then listen to with his full attention a bit later.

He could have left it at home or in the car for the 30-minutes he was out walking.

He could have chosen to answer it on the walk with a, “Thanks for calling–I’m with my children right now and will give you a call in about half an hour.”

And what a message he’d communicate to his children–that they are important, that being with them is something he thoroughly enjoys, that when together on an adventure this is the protocol–no digital devices and our full attention to the adventure.

He’d communicate this is what it is like being a dad (role modeling–we are always role modeling), this is what it is like to be a family, this is how we walk dogs and have fun.

Then the stories that will emerge at home–just think, “Mommy! Look at all our BLUE! Daddy thought we were funny, and you know what we did…and a lady we met…and then Daddy and doggy did…and when sister fell, daddy…” Oh, the truly authentic JOY that can be shared! And maybe the upset, as well. Shared. Memories made. Things learned and discovered. Together.

This is what counts. This is what becomes a real, genuine deposit into your relationship–and the more we can deposit well, the stronger we become and the more likely you will have future teens and young adults wanting and willing to come to you as a resource, to come and spend time with you, to want to be in your company–because you wanted to be in theirs. Fully.

Take time to consider your cell phone/digital device use. Consider what you are role modeling, what kind of relationships you want, what you are communicating by your actions to your children, what memories and relationships you really want to create. Consider how you feel when you are totally present out walking with your children versus how you feel when you are juggling calls, texts, dog and kid antics all in one.

Whatever you decide to put your attention to, do it fully and respectfully. Be intentional. You and your children are worth being intentionally present to and in all that you do–calls, texts, walks, meals, little moments, big moments.

Your future older children? They will want to be in your company because you wanted to be in theirs. And now you’ve shown them just how to manage all things digital that has them more likely choosing with care and intention for themselves. Ever so important for those teens years…and adult years 🙂

Respectfully,

Calming Your Anxious Child

January 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Your child is anxious.

Maybe in the moment, maybe it is just a part of who they are. And you work hard at helping them to feel better.

Maybe you find yourself saying, “You’ll be fine!” or “Don’t worry about it.! Or maybe you find yourself doing whatever YOU can to “make them feel better” such as distract them with a treat, or adventure with you, or a special toy, or time on a digital device, or or or…whatever it takes, because none of us want our children to feel anxious or struggle with anxiety.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I so appreciate Lemon Lime Adventures poster and article.

When we PAUSE, calm our OWN anxiety over

our child’s worries, then we can step in from a truly relationship-building place.

Asking questions. Listening. Exploring. Seeing their worries as something necessary and important–and now, like anything in our lives that is necessary and important, we respect those worries.

It requires us to let go of “solving” our child’s worry or struggle. So often our desire to “make it go away” and find a solution is much more about our own anxiety and discomfort over big feelings. This anxiety and discomfort? It always comes from a place of deep care for and commitment to our child. Know this, for your feelings are equally important.

Yet, when we rush in to fix, we are communicating to our child we don’t have confidence in their ability to manage their feelings. We communicate that they need US to fix things for them. I think this can so often feed anxiety for a child–not feeling they can ever be in control of this worry, that it always requires another person solving it.

As you fast forward to teen years, this means the “other” they turn to may be someone who doesn’t have their best interests in mind. This may mean they turn to alcohol or drugs or screen addiction to “control” their worries.

I think we all WANT our children to grow into teens and adults

able to take charge of their lives, figure out what they want and need, manage their feelings and selves in healthy ways.

When we create that PAUSE for ourselves, focus on calming ourselves down, take time to see our child as the competent and capable soul he is and will become, think about what we want them to learn about themselves, take time to consider just what kind of teen/adult we hope they will be…

…we are more likely going to be able to step alongside our child and their worry and ask questions like Lemon Lime Adventures shares. We are more likely going to listen, explore, discover, partner with our child.

…we are more likely going to sit––with calm connection–alongside our child as they worry. Think. Talk. Cry. And this “sitting” alongside? It is key.

What a way to feel safe.

What a way for your child to actually be able to feel in control of herself. What a way to grow and learn from the inside out and with respect for who your child is. What a way to feel the comfort of someone willing to sit in the worry with you…keep it company…give it a place of honor for a bit…accept you and all your feelings.

And now your child can feel far more in control of himself. How cool is that? And maybe the NEXT round of (inevitable) worry or struggle will be just a bit easier, because they’ll have grown a bit more from the inside out, understand a little more about their feelings and what to do with them.

Today, acknowledge and affirm your child’s worry or struggle.

Name their feelings. Ask them questions. Sit with them. Give them the space and grace of time and your company.

And give your SELF the same respect as you work through your worries and struggles…

Here’s to moving through today’s struggles in relationship building ways…

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Cup of Kindness

December 30, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Here’s to a cup of kindness each and every night. May your New Year be filled with kindness; let it lead the way in all that you do.

Just think, what a fabulous way to role model for our children just what we want more of.

A cup of kindness known as:

~ Self-care! Be kind to yourself by focusing first on YOU so you can parent well…patiently…with a sense of humor…Really. Taking care of YOU is essential for…well…EVERY thing.

~ Calm connection! Especially with your child and ESPECIALLY when they are anything but calm…(A rather large mug-full of self-care kindness required at these times )

~ BIG-GIANT feelings of our kids’ greeted with open arms and the message that “your feelings matter…you can count on me to keep it together no matter how BIG your feelings are!” What a feeling of safety for our kids as they work through the tumultuous-ness of all things upsetting.

~ Pausing! Then asking our child, “What do you suppose would be the kind thing to do right now?” And relishing your child’s ideas…

~ Calm and consistent follow through with the choice your child makes–whether it is for a positive thing or something less than peaceful as you move forward with your promise of no family game until homework is done. Calm and consistent follow through demonstrates guidance that is kind AND respectful. Just what our children can learn well from.

~ Letting go! Perhaps of OUR agenda…or solution…or desire to have it all feel easy and calm and smooth, or that seemingly essential errand, or going ahead with that essential errand and being okay with your child reaching their limit of patience. Another BIG mug full of kindness known as self-care required for this one…

~ SHOWING our children what care and compassion can do for another…showing and letting go of their participation. Our role-modeling–no matter what they decide to do–is one of the greatest ways to influence our kids in positive and powerful ways.

~ Presence! Intentionally choosing to be fully present to whomever you are with–whether it is engaging in conversation and play, or quietly watching your child as they immerse themselves in a game, or sitting through the alligator tears of hurt feelings. What a simple way to show kindness to another–our full, un-distracted presence. And that includes our presence to our SELVES…

A few ways to have a cup of kindness–go share one with

your child (or yourself) today and know that it will ripple out in lovely ways to all over time. What we focus on grows…

Happy 2019!

Rocky Relationships…

December 27, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you.

A national park. Steep cliffs. Overlooks accessible to anyone, with signs indicating extreme care to be taken because of the drop-offs.

A mom and a six-year-old. Let’s call her Susannah. Mom and daughter cruising around on the rocks, mom taking photos, as were all who were absorbing the incredible beauty.

Susannah, being six and curious and unable to keep her dancing feet still, bounced all over the rocky overlook. Very near the steep drop-offs. VERY near. Mom, still taking photos, calling over her shoulder, “Susannah come here. Susannah, not so close! Susannah, I want you next to me. Come here right now. Susannah, one, two, three…listen to me!”

Susannah? “I’m just stopping right here, mom! I want to go over there. Mom! Can you see me? Mom! Look at me!!”

Mom, still taking photos and calling over her shoulder for her daughter to stay closer to her–all to no avail and all to increasing concern to those others also enjoying the over look. Mom’s anxiety increased, her frustrations communicated, her anger felt…and her words continue to fly over her shoulder with no follow-through other than more words. Her daughter totally and completely ignored her words and kept vying for her attention.

(Yes, ultimately all ended well, with the child safe and sound).

Fast forward 20-minutes and to another beautiful overlook with steep cliffs and drop-offs. A father with a three-year-old sitting together out on one of the outcrops–not entirely near the edge, but still rather edgy . As he said, his wife didn’t like where they were sitting…(dads just seem to do it differently…)

Father: “See out over there? All those canyons? Water carved them. Lots and lots of water whooshed through all this rock a really long time ago and left it carved just like this.”

Three-year-old: “Daddy, I can see the WHOLE world from here!”

Daddy had his three-year-old sitting on his lap with his arms snug around her when I approached and offered to take a photo of them together, with the backdrop the intensely beautiful and deep canyons all around. He accepted, and then the two moved off their rock and offered to do the same for my husband and me.

But first, here is what he said to his preschooler:

“Honey, I need you to go up to those rocks there and sit still while I take a photo.” He watched calmly as his little one headed right over to the safe rocks to sit. “Can you look with just your eyes for a little brown lizard who might come visit while you sit still?” Eyes got BIG and his three-year-old froze on the rocks, with just her eyes moving…

A photo of my husband and me was taken, a little girl sat tight in a safe place, and daddy and she, following his thank you to her for listening and being safe, skipped hand-in-hand up the trail to their parked car.

A story of contrast.

The mom in my first story was truly letting her anxiety over wanting desperately to control Susannah without having to actually control Susannah become a very serious safety issue. Because of mom’s anxiety–as seen both by her “checking out” as she continued to focus on her camera rather than following through with her words and going to her daughter to hold her hand and keep her close–Susannah really didn’t know where she stood in the scheme of things. Mom was saying one thing and doing something entirely different.

Susannah was trying hard to get mom to

connect with her and mom was trying hard to have Susannah mind without having to do the work it requires. Ultimately, there was a complete DIS-connect.

I get this–the desire to have our children under control without doing the hard work of actually controlling them. It’s hard, this guiding them in a gently firm way to help them learn that in some places hands just need to be held, and bodies aren’t allowed to go just anywhere. I get how hard it is. It requires a commitment from us that oftentimes can be exhausting. Interruptive, even, as we try to do things that perhaps WE want to do.

I also know I was seeing a relationship that probably was rocky without the current rocks they were on.

I heard the nag factor. I heard the bribing. I heard the anxiety and fear and frustration and anger. I heard the desire for connection and attention and I saw the testing that emerged as a result of a lack of connection and attention.

And I saw how, when we try so hard to make our kids NOT do something, we actually increase the likelihood they will do it. Hence a 6-year-old dancing near the edge of a VERY steep drop-off.

Dad in the second story demonstrated exactly the

kind of relating that has a child listening, exhibiting self-control, learning–all because dad was calm, clear, and gently firm.

He knew clearly the extent he could trust his little one. He focused on calm connection. He LIVED calm connection. He spoke with quiet confidence with his daughter; he asked of her just what he knew he could expect from her. AND he kept a close and watchful eye.

His daughter? She could trust him. She could count on what he said he meant and would do. She heard his confidence in HER that he had and she wanted very much to be that capable little one he knew she could be. He never told her what NOT to do and instead told her exactly what she COULD do. And she did.

What a tribute to the

power of calm connection,

of being clear and confident

in what you do.

Or at least working towards clarity and confidence! And what a way to have me wanting even more to support, encourage, and empower each of you so you can experience more confidence, connection, cooperation and JOY in your parenting journey.

What a difference. I keep thinking about this and about how I hope Susannah’s mom finds the support and encouragement she needs in order to calm her anxiety down and feel more confident as a parent before a real crisis occurs. If I could have, I would have stepped in and offered something–perhaps my appreciation for how she was feeling, my understanding of how scary it is to see your child so near to danger. It wasn’t the time or place. And the Ranger was there, Susannah ultimately was safe.

And yet, I continue to think about this mom and her daughter, mom feeling what could only be a growing discontent in how her relationship with her daughter was unfolding.

Today, I encourage you to work hard at pausing. At acting-as-if you are calm and confident if you don’t actually feel it yet.

Recall times you have felt this way for what we focus on grows. Put your attention to letting calm connection lead the way–it is powerful. So much real learning and relationship-building things can unfold as a result! Work at it just a little bit harder today, right now, or maybe tonight when you have the support of your spouse or partner or the comfort of being home rather than out in public. Do what YOU can to slow down enough to PAUSE, settle a bit, and then respond to your button-pushing child.

No matter when you practice leading with calm connection,

know what a relationship-building difference it can make.

And know that, as you practice a PAUSE and pay attention to the calm you CAN feel, it will get easier bit by bit. What a gift to you, your child, to ALL of your relationships.

Thinking of all of you today as you strive to parent well!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Control. Obedience. Compliance. HELP!

December 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Control. Obedience. Compliance. “Do as I say, NOW.” “You better, or else…” “I’ve got to make them behave!” “If you don’t stop NOW, I’m going to lose it…!”

Sound even remotely familiar? Feeling in control of…well…just about anything in our lives leaves us feeling better, more relaxed, confident. And so often we exert this control on our child and focus on making them behave a certain way so we CAN feel better, more relaxed, confident.

But a funny thing happens…

…at some point the harder we work at “making them behave” the more they push back. Resist. Fight us. Spiral up and up and up. Things fall apart, can get pretty yucky, and we might work even harder at “making them behave” so we can feel in control or we might throw up our hands and throw in the towel…

Either way, we feel far from better. And our relationship feels pretty crummy.

So what if, instead of working oh-so-hard to control another, we instead PAUSE and focus on ourselves, first? Figure out a way to take a deep breath and calm down a bit? Think about how WE want to feel, rather than how we need THEM to feel? Consider how to feel and behave (perhaps act-as-if?) no matter how the other decides to?

You know, be in control of ourselves? DECIDE to feel calm, confident, relaxed no matter how another chooses to be?

When we can take responsibility first for ourselves, get clear on what we intend and hope for, and then interact from this place of clarity and certainty and hopefully way more calmly, we are much more likely to influence our child in such a way THEY choose, on their own, to make more productive decisions, behave in a more positive way, grow and learn in the direction we hope for the most. Really.

Think about all the times things have gone well, productively, moved forward without everyone losing it–or at least a time YOU didn’t lose it. Consider how you were feeling. What you were doing–take note. It’s important. And it is this, as you pay attention to what works and has worked for you, that will grow and encourage and help you create the real and positive change you want.

Influence. Guidance. What a powerful way to build relationships. Control ourselves, first. Get clear about all we intend and act accordingly–from the inside out. It is rather hopeless, if you think about it, to constantly be trying to control another. Maybe it works now and again AND it will inevitably blow. And usually when you want it the least. Because really, the other person? Your child, perhaps? They can always say NO. And they do. Quite often!

What can we truly control? Ourselves. Today as things spiral up, get reactive, or you find yourself beginning to pull your hair out over the lack of compliance and obedience, use this as your reminder to PAUSE.

Breathe deeply. Find a semblance of calm inside you. Think about just what it is you want the most in the situation–what you want your child to learn. Now step back in and respond to their antics based on what you want the most. It’s hard. And PAUSE is the key.

What a way to build relationships.

What a way to say, “You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you feel.” What a way to say, “Your feelings, ideas, and choices matter.” What a way to say “No matter what, you can count on me to be here with you.” What a way to realize and celebrate and embrace GROWTH.

Influence. Guidance. Respect for the process of growth. Now how does your relationship feel?Oh so much much better. Healthier. Real. Meaningful. Filled with trust and respect. Strong, from the inside out.

And yes, still filled with angst. But angst that, instead of relationship-depleting, becomes the trusted platform for all things growth. And growth is good. Always. Even when it is painful.

Exercise your PAUSE muscle today. And trust yourself.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Appreciate Yourself

December 4, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A PAUSE today to send out appreciation to each of you as you:

…yet again shove shoes on your uncooperative child to get them out the door with the hopes of being no later than you already are…

…stumble through your day following another sleep deprived night

…choose to let your baby cry safely in their crib for a few minutes while you take a much needed and deserved FAST hot shower

…marvel at your ability to catch the falling glass, rescue the pacifier from your dog’s mouth, put yourself between your fighting kids, and STILL keep a calm voice in the midst of it all…not to mention the gymnastics required to do all of this

…plunk your kids in front of a DVD so you can actually breathe for a short while (and maybe get dinner started…or put your feet up?)

...find yourself heating up as your teen rolls their eyes, shrugs their shoulders, uses THAT tone of voice

…successfully plan ahead for all potential ’emergencies’ before heading out on errands and to the park–you know, the snacks are made, the extra clothes packed, water bottles filled, baby wipes remembered, your wallet tucked where it needs to be…

…choosing to order pizza or nuke leftovers for the 3rd night this week–maybe with a few carrot sticks alongside. Maybe.

…actually have a twinkle in your eye as your toddler does the testing only toddlers can do

…manage week number three of illness running through your household–more runny noses, fevers, grumpy kids, throw-up to clean up, doctor appointments…and how you’ve put aside any or all of your original plans for these weeks as you focus solely on getting everyone back on their feet. Exhausting.

…open your arms to your wailing preschooler, giving them a safe place to feel their great big sad.

…wonder how you are going to make it through another day of crazy-busy…and then discover at the end of the day you did just that–made it through!

Appreciate your self. Find the gifts in it all–the chaos, the mad, the frustration, the twinkles, the successes, the challenges, the laughter. Appreciate your resilience, your efforts at planning, your compassion. Appreciate the time you carve out just for you so you can parent well–even if that means plugging your kids in for a bit or taking an extra minute in the hot shower while your little one cries.

Appreciate how TOUGH this parenting job can be and that you are still in it, moving through each day, juggling the often overwhelming nature of it all. Appreciate how you get daily (hourly!) opportunities to strengthen your patience, calm, creative, pause muscles. Appreciate the opportunities for do-overs…or those moments you actually stop yourself in the midst of blowing up, pause, reflect, and try again. Appreciate the deep caring all of this reflects–the deep caring and commitment you have for your children. What a gift.

What an amazing role model you can be for your children. Know this. And appreciate all your work. PAUSE today and give yourself a hug in your minds-eye. Wrap yourself up in your arms, tell yourself some things you are appreciating about yourself, and cherish YOU.

Appreciation out to each of my readers as you embrace your parenting journey today…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

This is for YOU

December 3, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

I know. Really, I do. This pausing deal is extra hard–because really, it means taking even MORE time to do something. MORE time in order to respond to your child. And time? You don’t have much.

And then there’s what you keep hearing--Self-Care!

But taking ANY time for YOU is impossible. How many times do you hear “Self-Care!” and you cringe? Thinking…”Yeah, right. Self-care. As if. And even just thinking about time for me leaves me feeling even more overwhelmed and stressed!”

Parenting is HARD. Exhausting. Constant.

Would you like to feel better? Would you like to be able to say, “I DID do something for me and it left me actually feeling BETTER?”

Would you like to know, absolutely KNOW that by taking the moment to PAUSE, you actually end up having MORE time? In time, perhaps, yet definitely MORE time–mostly because as you’ve strengthened your ability to pause, you are now calmer and more connected with your children, and their “need” to act up for your attention dissipates, they actually listen to and hear you, you them…and this all translates to having MORE time. Really!

Same with those 30-second Self-Care deposits you actually CAN do. They add up. And they can leave you feeling like you have more time and that can leave you feeling a bit more relaxed…less overwhelmed. It’s a paradox, for sure, taking a bit of time and actually creating more time. And it’s surprisingly real. Maybe because, as you feel a bit better from knowing you’ve done something just for you, you have a bit more resilience. Pep. A lighter outlook to your day. Or maybe as you find you do something just for you, you discover its okay to let go of a few things, to relax a bit about the mess and chaos, go with the flow just a tad more.

So HOW do you get better at pausing and depositing into your Self-Care Savings Account? Here’s where I encourage you to take a look at both of my books. Kindle or the actual books. They are journaling style, so I like having the real thing–to write in and flip through. Kindle’s good, too, though .

They can be found on Amazon–right here: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2…

I hope you’ll take a look. They are short. Easy to read and feel encouraged and lifted even if you can only read one page at a time. Share with others. Write me a review on Amazon. That’s always appreciated! Discover how you really can create the kinds of positive change you want the most AND no longer be overwhelmed. At least most of the time :-).

Today you CAN pause. You CAN take care of you. You CAN feel so so much better.

You are worth it. And so are your children.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

All Eyes Upon You

December 1, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Back-arching, jello legs, hitting, yelling, kicking, sobbing, throwing. A true melt-down or tantrum in progress, not very pretty nor fun and all while:

...in the middle of the cereal aisle in the grocery store–maybe with various items launching themselves out of the cart like one parent mentioned of recent regarding a jar of orange juice…and another, a jar of salsa…

...visiting your in-laws…you know, the ones who often leave you feeling less than adequate as a parent…

…exploring the museum that you finally got your courage up enough to take your child to because you REALLY wanted to show them the cool child-centered, hands-on exhibits that all your friends say are a must to see…

…at the restaurant squeezed into a tiny booth surrounded by dozens of other people enjoying their meals…enough said.

...all places public—you name it!

All eyes upon you. Embarrassment. Anxiety. Maybe even anger–the kind that leaves your hand twitching, as one dad recently said. It feels like judging eyes, critical eyes, eyes that are saying, “Control your child!” “What a brat, can’t you make her behave?” “At least MY kids are minding.”

You can FEEL the negativity emanating from all the adults watching as you desperately try to “get our child to behave” (meaning, to stop melting down…).

You’ve been there in some fashion or another–I know, because I have, too. It is a common theme for parents.

Just think, what could be different if, in those moments, all the eyes upon you were sending you support, understanding, and encouragement?

What if instead of feeling all that negative energy we actually feel accepting, affirming, uplifting energy? What if all eyes upon us were really communicating, “Oh yes, it is TOUGH when our kids lose it in public!” “I can see how mad she is that you had to say no to what she wanted.” “He really is done with sitting still!” “My little one had her tantrum right in the middle of my friend’s wedding!” “When your husband was a little guy, he did EXACTLY the same thing. I remember feeling really frustrated about it!”

What could be different?

I believe you’d be able to feel calmer, more patient, and maybe even be able to allow your child the space (maybe away from the broken orange juice and salsa jars or the popular museum exhibit) to continue melting down until they felt calmer once again.

I believe you’d feel the kind of support and encouragement that has you feeling bolstered, empowered, part of a team–even with strangers, or maybe especially with strangers. A team that can truly move through this big upset with grace. Confidence (yours) could lead the way–confidence that “This, too, shall pass”, that “My child is learning a bit more about his feelings and how to manage them and I know I can help him”, that “I CAN move through this positively…”

I believe things could be very, very different. Today look upon another parent’s potentially embarrassing, anxiety producing moment and send them thoughts of compassion, understanding, encouragement. Intentionally think thoughts of “I get it! I know you can make it through this.” “Your little one is having a tough time and I understand.” “Hmmm, I wonder what I could do or say that could help this parent the most?”

And then, if inspired to do so, step into the fray and let this over the top stressed parent KNOW you understand, appreciate the BIG feelings–theirs and their child’s. Offer a helping hand with a quiet cheerfulness. Or maybe just meet their eyes and give them an encouraging smile–one that says, “I’m comfortable in your child’s melt down, it is okay.” Whew. What a relief that can be, to have another let you know they are comfortable in the big discomfort you are in the midst of.

Just think, what could be different today, right now, if all the eyes upon you were encouraging, understanding, appreciating? What could be different if you felt the comfort of support that says, “It will be okay”?

What a way to take care of each other; to grow compassion all around. What a way to take care of ourselves, as we intentionally focus on being supported, appreciated, encouraged. We all deserve this kindness and compassion—it allows us to be our better selves. Truly the self-care we need the most.

What a gift to our children, others, and ourselves.

Respectfully and appreciatively,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Remember Postcards?

November 29, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology 2 Comments

Distance. From your children or grandchildren or other special little (and big!) ones in your life. Maybe due to traveling at length for work or pleasure, or a divorce and shared (or not so shared) custody, or living far far away, or…

Distance. It can be tough. When we feel the distance we often feel less connected. And isn’t it connection we all want?

Maybe you worry a bit (or a lot) about your relationship with your child or other special little and big one in your life because you can’t be together as much as you’d like. That real and meaningful connection you want? It is hard to get.

Enter in all things technology. It has been a blessing in so many ways for it allows us TO connect even when we are far away. You Skype, often! Now your favorite little and big ones can see your face, hear you, leave your heart filled and probably a bit achy since you still can’t REALLY be with them. You text. Often through the day to feel that connection, to check in, to let them know you care, to share a funny story, to encourage. Or maybe you just call and chat over the phone, or Face Time, since we can, now.

And yet with all this desire to be connected and use technology’s latest and greatest, I believe we are missing something very important. Something that can grow relationships in rich and meaningful and lasting ways.

It’s called mail.

Postcards. Letters. Packages. Mail–sent the “old fashioned” way. Slowly–or not so slowly with overnight-ing ability. Postcards that share a picture and a quick story. Letters that are filled with adventures and thoughts and love. Packages that delight upon opening with all the little surprises tucked inside.

It surprises me as I talk to more and more grandparents who bemoan living far away from their grandchildren AND light up when they say they get to Skype them regularly…yet have never even considered writing to them.

Here’s the deal. Those postcards and letters? They can do far more for building relationships and creating meaningful connection then any screen technology can.

Maybe not immediately–like screens can–but long term. Over time.

Just the way relationships are meant to be grown.

Think about this. When you write a postcard to a young child in your life, they get to open the mail box. Find a physical item just from YOU inside it. Have their mama or papa read it to them. Study the photo and writing. Hold it, bend it, hide it, hang it, re-read it over and over and over again.

On your next Skype you get to talk about it and it becomes a tangible item they can hold and refer to as you, perhaps, extend the story you told on the postcard into your Skype time. Then if you are really lucky, as I have been, you get to go VISIT your special little one IN PERSON and have your heart filled as they lead you into their bedroom and show you the PILE of postcards and letters they’ve received and go through them all over again. Stories shared, joy felt, giggles and laughter and sorting and piling and flipping and thumb-tacking and folding…all over again.

And if you are writing an older child? Maybe less “hands on” action with that letter or postcard, and yet the same impact. Something received that can be held, read, deciphered if it is in “chicken scratch” as my writing can look, picked up and read again, tucked in a journal or drawer or folded and put into a pocket to be saved for later. Referred to, elaborated upon, saved.

You can’t do that with Skype or Face Time or Zoom.

Both my daughters received postcards and letters and packages from grandparents and other special people in their lives–all through their childhood. You know what is especially cherished–now that their G’mom passed away? The literal albums of cards they kept from her–that’s how they decided to save them, in albums. That’s how important they have been to them. They return to them, relish them, relive them. And because of this, they now write their own special buddies often–and those special buddies? Now aged 4 and 9? Even though they rarely see my daughters, they have relationships that run deep. That are truly meaningful and full of stories and memories and experiences. And it is the postcards and letters and packages that have magnified all of this. Created it!

And the cool thing? These buddies in their lives write THEM. Paper and cards and tape and markers come out. Imagination and creativity fostered. Letters practiced. Stories told. Stamps picked out. Envelopes licked. Post offices visited to drop the mail in. And then the excitement over just WHEN those cards will be received. Oh the JOY. And of course, awaiting the letter or card bound to come back to them :-).

All from REAL mail.

Try it today. Write a quick note. Share a funny story about what you saw a squirrel do out your window. Tell something about the recipe you tried and how it ended up being rather…not so good! Mention the snow that fell and how you want to do snow angels soon. Share about a tough job or ideas for the next time you will be together or tell a joke.

Maybe just draw a quick picture, add a few stickers, and send it off. Postcards are great for they can inspire a story. And children of ALL ages enjoy stories.

And now that distance you feel? It can be cherished for you are filling it with real and meaningful CONNECTION that builds relationships in lovely ways. That ache you feel? It is warmed a bit as you discover inside your mailbox a letter written to YOU. Now you get to hold, relish, savor, read, tuck away, save. To bring out once again as you need to warm your heart all over again.

Go write. I promise you will discover a richness and joy that might just catch you by surprise. And it will totally DELIGHT whomever you write to!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A SUCCESS Story With(out) Screens…

November 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

A SUCCESS story to share from a parent committed to parenting positively and peacefully…

A 20-month-old toddler and Mama. Toddler screaming (and maybe Mama, as well?!). Fighting naps. Upset when being on a digital device is a “no”, unable to play on her own, resists resists resists, uncooperative…you name it and the HARD of toddler-hood was taking over.

Mama exhausted, exasperated, frustrated, and at the end of her rope. As you can well imagine. We’ve all been there. And here is where the story changes. Let it lift YOU and give you the encouragement you need today…

Mama reached out for support. Mama rolled up her sleeves, made some intentional choices and changes, stuck with them, and what a real and positive difference it made.

~SELF CARE. She was reminded to take care of her self–YES! As she said, “During her naps I’ve been trying to read, draw, write, drink tea and eat chocolate, whatever. I also try to get ready and look decent every day because it makes me feel better.” And when WE feel better our children do better...

~NO MORE SCREENS! A resounding YES from me! “I noticed when she was being challenging it was easy for me to let her watch TV or play on my phone. Cutting this out helped in a big way. We will probably introduce some screens again in the future, but not for a long time based on how it’s changed her behavior.”

This is a common result of limiting or eliminating screens for young children–their behavior ultimately changes for the better because now they are more likely getting what they really need-–hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.

They become more cooperative, independent, calm, able to truly get lost in their important work of PLAY. When use screens to distract, we are undermining our child’s ability to learn to understand and manage their feelings and behavior. We are saying, “you need this so you won’t do or feel that…” We are saying, “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self…or my ability to handle your big feelings…” Probably not what any of us intend. With screen time removed, and a supportive Mama alongside, a toddler begins to grow the very ability we want to see more of–managing themselves well.

~PREDICTABLE SCHEDULE. Mama buckled down and began to keep the routine they already had generally in place STRICTLY in place. “I noticed that I couldn’t really expect her to get dressed after breakfast when some days we did and others we didn’t….she (now) knows what to expect and I know what expectations and limits I have, so I can follow through and hold strong to them.” What a way to communicate to her little one “You can count on what I say, I mean and will do.” What a way to build trust. What a way to help a toddler–with all the tumultuous and terrific independent growth–feel safe and secure.

~QUALITY TIME! “Sometimes as a stay-at-home-parent, I forget that just because I spend a lot of time with my daughter doesn’t mean it’s quality. I’ve been trying to spend at least an hour a day with my phone away in her play area just watching and joining in as she requests.” The magic here? Mama’s INTENTIONAL presence and putting her phone away is a HUGE step towards making that work. Now her toddler can–again–count on her Mama, feel important and connected, and feel Mama’s interest, love, and confidence in how she plays and explores and, ultimately, who she is becoming. So very cool.

~GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! “When my toddler was struggling I couldn’t imagine doing anything, let alone leaving the house. I started biting the bullet and we leave almost every day after breakfast to do something fun. It helps break up the day and it forces me to interact with real life people and put on a clean shirt.” Now THAT is self-care, as well. And getting outside? What a difference that can make. Outside OR in the car and off to some new venue. We used to head to the mall in the midst of our cold winters and wander around looking through store windows, exploring, marching along the hallways, maybe actually getting an errand done…and it felt good.

Now what is different for this Mama? “I’ve noticed less screaming, less fighting naps, no asking for screen time, more willing to play by herself, more willing to engage in tasks with me, more willing to follow my requests, less acting out, and just general better behavior. It’s not perfect, but we’re both trying and I started giving myself a lot more slack too.”

I love this story! Mama reached out when her frustration got too high. Mama PAUSED and considered where things did go well…and then acted upon this knowledge. Mama became way more intentional about what and how she did things. And as a result?

She and her daughter feel more connected. In a lovely way. In a cooperative, collaborative, calmer, caring way. In truly relationship-building ways. Calm connection leads the way…maybe not all the time, maybe not without a LOT of work…but that is okay for this parenting deal? It is a practice. There is no end goal, no perfection…just practice, growth, learning, and more practice.

Thank you to this Mama for letting me share her story. It’s ever-so-important because it demonstrates clearly how, as we take our attention off of screens and instead onto ourselves and the relationships we intend to grow, so many healthy things can emerge. More self-care. More PLAY. More connection. More resilience, patience, JOY.

Here’s to you today, tomorrow, and all your days as you intentionally focus on growing the kinds of relationships and creating the kinds of experiences you want the most.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.justaskalice.org

We Need to KNOW and Say NO

November 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…

…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?

…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?

…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody?

…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?

…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?

I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.

How would your CHILD feel if…

…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?

…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?

…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?

…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?

…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?

I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.

And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.

Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.

Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.

Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.

Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.

Instead, they become passive.

They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.

Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.

Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung.

Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.

When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.

This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.

Consider brain development.

Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.

What CAN we do?

Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.

PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.

Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.

Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights.

PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.

PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:

Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.

Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.

Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.

Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…

Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.

I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.

To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.

Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.

That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.

In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.

It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.

Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

“What does my child NEED?”

November 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

A mom-ism to share. One of those bits of wisdom that my mother (AKA Grandmom or G’mom for short) gave me.

Back in the day when my eldest was a baby I called her in tears. I was sleep deprived, I just couldn’t “get” my baby to stay asleep or fall back to sleep without me holding and rocking and always being there. Oh how tired I was. Oh how worried I was–was this going to be FOREVER??? NEVER sleeping without a constant ME?

And mom said one of the wisest and most impactful things to me…

“When you answer her need, (those rather unwanted) habits disappear…or even better, never form.”

She didn’t tell me what to do. She didn’t tell me how she thought I SHOULD be doing it. She didn’t say I was spoiling my baby or ruining her or anything like that. Nope. Just her insightful comment that took me in another direction entirely.

So I asked myself–what did my baby need? And I knew already. She needed ME. She needed to know I was there. She was young enough (2-3 months!) to still see herself as a part of me, rather than separate from me. That was coming soon, those first stages of separation…and boy, do they bring some new and challenging experiences!

I chose to answer her need. To go to her and be there for her. My mom’s words and the action I then took brought little to no ease in regards to MY sleep–at least, not initially.

But they brought ease to my heart. And with ease in my heart…

…I felt more connected. I UNDERSTOOD my baby’s need and I was answering it. Confidence wormed its way in. My heart calmed down. I calmed down. And you know what? Even though sleep was constantly interrupted, I felt BETTER. From there, eventually, my little one began to sleep better. Longer. Less interrupted. The incredible TIRED I could feel just didn’t seem so heavy any more.

And here’s the deal--I have used my mother’s Mom-ism all throughout my parenting journey. As challenges arise, I try to PAUSE first. And then ask myself, “What does my child need?” “What is she really asking for behind all this UPSET?” “What is she needing the most from me in order to move through this tumultuous stage and settle a bit?” “What does she need to be and feel that more independent soul she is pushing so hard to become?”

The answer isn’t always clear. The direction I take doesn’t always work. But the question always remains the same. “What does my child NEED?”

And I figured it out. You can, too. Start with asking the question and then take the steps you think will help answer it. Because really, that is what all of this parenting deal is about–answering our growing children’s physical, mental, and emotional needs along a developmental timeline that is quite a journey…different yet similar to everyone else’s…unique and challenging and in the long run, quite amazing.

And the magic of it all is what emerges. With needs answered, calm connection and confidence and clarity emerges. Children feel understood, supported, empowered and can grow their capable, competent selves…and so can we Relationships can be deposited into and eventually THRIVE.

Thank you, mom. Again, I treasure all you’ve given me in your life time and I know you knew that–because I told you. May your spirit continue to lift and inspire me and others. And may I continue to ask myself the same question as my now adult daughters turn to me once again…“What does my child NEED?”

With JOY and appreciation and heartfelt gratitude,

Your daughter, Alice

Author and Parent Coach

OH Those Testy Toddlers!

November 5, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

So your toddler is an agreeable little soul.

Happily reaches for your hand as they toddle off to get their diaper changed. Willingly offers you their cup or plate when they are all done. Bounces with the utmost JOY when daddy or you come home. Reaches their arms to their trusted care-giver and waves “bye-bye” to you. Loves the family dog with snuggles and smiles and gentle pats.

And then it all seemingly goes amok.

That agreeable little soul? Now they arch their backs and scream at the changing table–it has become the wrestling match to rival all wrestling matches. That cup and plate? Thrown. Tossed onto the floor. Gleefully run away with to just the very place food and drink are not allowed. That delightful bounce and joy when papa or mama come home? Now it is defined by screaming and reaching ever-so-hard towards whomever is NOT holding them. Those simply heart-warming good byes (and hellos!) at daycare? Now you drag yourself away feeling oh-so-guilty for leaving because your toddler is left sobbing in their care-givers arms…and the family dog…poor pooch…ears pulled, tail twisted, back jumped on…those gentle pats? L-o-n-g gone.

Respectful parenting. It can be simple when things go agreeably. Cooperatively. Peacefully. And it can leave a parent over-whelmed and at a loss when things turn tumultuous. And they will. Regularly–because these tumultuous times? They mean NEW GROWTH. And with any new growth, things get out-of-sorts. For our toddler AND for us.

So how does respectful parenting look at these times? Hard to imagine?Here’s what I think. I think it is gentle. Firm. Clear. Consistent. Calm. A few eye-twinkles always :-). A “basic” recipe to follow goes something like this:

*** PAUSE. Take a breath. Find that bit of calm inside of you.

*** Describe what you see and/or heard.

*** Affirm and name feelings.

*** Give clear expectations…or framework for what needs to happen.

*** Give choice(s).

*** Follow through calmly and consistently with the choice made.

A few ideas for you:

“Your diaper needs to be changed. After two more books we are going to head to the changing table.” Clear framework and consistent follow-through–essential.

“It really makes you mad to have to stop and change diapers. I understand. I can wait a moment while you settle down…” Name and affirm feelings–always.

“It’s time to change your diaper. Would you like to hold the wash cloth or (the special toy saved only for diaper changes…)?” CHOICE–an absolute. Even if the choice becomes NEITHER and upset gets even BIGGER, you can move through the diaper change (or diaper wrestle?!) continuing to be that calm person your child needs in order to actually feel safe expressing all his big feelings…and then you get to say, “All done! You really didn’t like it and now you are all dry…”

OR you can try a PAUSE by saying, “You are really upset about changing right now. Let’s take a moment together and look out the window so you can calm down a bit…maybe we’ll see the dog dig-dig-digging next door!” Naming feelings, slowing down a bit and staying connected with a bit of an eye-twinkle…

“I can see you are all done with your cup. I’ll put it up on the counter and down you can get.” OR:

“Uh oh. The cup landed on the floor. Up it goes to the sink, and down you go.” Describing what you see matter-of-factly keeps your child’s attention on just what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. In essence, you are role modeling exactly what you want more of.

“Cups are for holding and drinking–when you are done we put it up on the counter. Let’s go find the balls you CAN throw…” “You are excited to run-run-run! The food stays in the kitchen. Here, let me help you take it to the counter and then we can run-run-run together.” Naming feelings, giving clear expectations, and respecting the energy needing to be expressed and showing them just how to do so—what a way to keep their attention on what IS okay to do…on what cups ARE for…on real learning.

“You really want me to hold you right now (as your toddler screams for you to hold him). My arms are full of the grocery bags. Daddy just got home and is excited to see you–his arms are full with YOU! Can you help him put his car keys in the dish?” Describing, affirming, offering up a choice…and keeping a bit of eye-twinkle at the forefront 🙂 .

“Hmmm…you really are upset. Let me go put the groceries down and then my arms will be ready to hold you.” Affirming feelings and being clear on what to expect--what a way to help a toddler better manage themselves when they know what to expect AND you follow through with just that. Trust is built this way.

“You aren’t ready to say hello to mommy and give her a hug. I can hold you a while longer. While we wait until you are ready, would you like to go with me and show mommy where your special guy is hiding?” As you describe what is happening, you are enriching your toddler with meaningful-to-them language and helping them learn to a bit more how to manage themselves.

“Ouch! It hurts our dog when you pull his ears. We use gentle hands to pet him–like this, see? Ohhhh…I can see you aren’t ready to be gentle. I’m going to take Dog to the other room so he can feel safe…” Feelings! Whether your child’s or the dogs 🙂 And respecting your toddler’s choice to NOT be gentle by keeping Dog safe, too…

“You and I will head downstairs and you can try gentle hands a bit later…” Matter-of-fact result of hard-to-be-gentle hands….respectful as you lead with calm connection.

Here’s the deal–when things get LOUD, uncomfortable, button-pushing, then really it is more about pausing, calming ourselves, and then continuing to step alongside our toddler with the calm, clear, consistent connection they need the most in order to manage the new growth that leaves them feeling so topsy-turvey.

Just think how incredibly comforting it is to know they can count on YOU to keep it together even when they cannot. Just think how safe and secure that feels for a young child (any child!) when in the midst of the turmoil new growth, new experiences, any upset in their lives can cause–they can count on you to be there, helping them do the hard work of growing. Respectfully.

Know without a doubt that your calm, consistent, connected approach will, in time, settle everything down once again. And now? Respect yourself and your inner turmoil and the hard work you’ve just done and are continuing to be presented with by depositing into YOUR self-care account! You matter.

Here’s to you and your toddler!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Connection Rather Than Correction

November 1, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A Mama, 15-month old, 3.5 year old, and a quiet event in a large room with one other adult.

Mama and adult were in conversation. 15-month-old HAPPILY engrossed in practicing her newly discovered running. You know, little feet churning forward, balance worked on, distance accomplished. A total delight, as she ran ran ran from one end of the room, to the other, out the door to turn around and run run run right back in with the biggest smile ever.

Mama quietly delighting, giving her the opportunity to practice “separating” from Mama and being totally in charge of her own body.

3.5-year-old in constant conversation with the other adult, some words understood, others not, but the theme always apparent. The Halloween candy bowl. The SPACE to MOVE in this rather empty room. His job to “go find sissy!” as his little sister ran ran ran out of the room and back in again. The picture on his shirt. The work at peeling wrappers off pieces of candy and finding the garbage can. Talk talk talk. Totally fun.

On and on all the while with Mama and adult also engaging in conversation.

And then 3.5-year-old started upping the ante. Going to find Sissy included extra “hand work”–you know, pushing a bit as he decided to direct her in certain ways. 15-month-old plopped a few times on her bottom, wrinkled her brow, and pushed herself back up to continue HER job of running. Brother upped the ante a bit more–pushing a bit harder. Tears started. 3.5-year-old–being in the “out-of-bounds” stage preschoolers are in–became even more exuberant with his STRONG muscles…

Okay. This is where it could have totally disintegrated. It could have been Mama getting frustrated, stopping brother, brother ramping it up more, toddler falling totally apart, and ALL conversation (and connection!) lost as a result.

Instead…the other adult? She spotted a low table and engaged with Mr. 3.5 with, “You have STRONG muscles! I can tell your sister doesn’t like how you used them on her. I wonder if they could come push push push this table all the way across the room…?”

Bingo. Mr. 3.5? He took up the challenge. The table was pushed across one way, then turned and pushed again. “Whew!” both the boy and adult said. “You DO have strong muscles!” Mr. 3.5 said, “They are tired muscles, now!”

So plop onto the floor the adult and boy went. “Let’s REST those muscles!” Lying side by side they gazed up at the ceiling. “Look! A balloon is up there!” And their conversation continued, boy resting his body, then his eyes. The other adult joining in along side. Quiet talk together. Mama watching from the side with a smile on her face, not interrupting a bit, giving a lap and a bit of comfort for her toddler.

Soon the rest was complete and the escalation that had occurred was no more. Mr. 3.5 was back to exploring, talking, and being just-right-busy. Mama and adult finished their conversation. Toddler felt ready after the steadying comfort of Mama’s lap and busied herself just as before–run run running.

Delightful. All of it.

What could have melted down was instead

re-directed toward tapping into just what a 3.5-year-old needs–acceptance and acknowledgement of abilities, opportunity to USE those abilities, real and honest connection with another.

This was way less about “correcting inappropriate behavior” and way more about showing an exuberant preschooler just HOW to channel all of his energy. To manage himself in positive, productive ways, rather than be “corrected, directed, and then disconnected” in relationship depleting ways. Toddler, too. It gave a chance for Toddler to know, without a doubt, Mama was there to check in with, feel safe with, and now better manage her own upset over all that “hand work” of Mr. 3.5.

As a result, joy was had, conversations finished and enjoyed, connection felt, respect given. And just a bit more of self-regulation developed (aka, “appropriate behavior”). By both toddler and preschooler.

How cool is that?!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Squeals of delight!

October 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time!

A Mama and a five-month-old baby. Floor time for the chubby little guy. Fussiness begins. Mama says, “You need something. I wonder if you’d like to play airplane?” Followed by her signing airplane, flying her hand slowly across his field of vision.

Squeals of delight! Body wiggles and smiles spread. Mama picks up her son, saying, “You want to play airplane!” Down on the floor Mama goes, baby on her legs, flying gently back and forth while singing a lovely airplane song. More smiles and squeals of delight. Mama obviously got this request just right!

Fast forward and hour or so. Baby on floor again, beginning to fuss. Mama says, “I hear you. You need something. Would you like to play airplane again?” Her hands signing airplane, flying gently across her son’s field of vision.

Silence. Baby turns his head aside and stops his wiggling.

“Ahhh…”, Mama said, “You don’t want to play airplane. That isn’t what you want.” Baby turns again to look at her, fussing louder. “Let’s pick you up and see what you might need.” Up went Baby and LUNGE his little hands went toward her chest–“You are ready to eat! Let’s get settled on the couch…”

And off they went to nurse.

What a simply wonderful, respectful, relationship building round of interactions. What is communicated to her baby as she listens, asks questions, and respects just what it is he is asking for? I believe:

“I trust you to know just what you need.

I have confidence in your ability to manage yourself. I respect how you feel and what you need. You can trust me to

listen and understand. You can trust me

to answer your needs.”

What a way to begin building the foundation of inner direction, self-awareness, of a child who understands what THEY like, don’t like, can do, cannot do, are responsible for, are not responsible for, how they feel…what a way to begin building a mutually respectful, positive, deeply connected relationship. What a way to grow Baby’s language comprehension, future language skills, and all other brain healthy things. What a way to begin growing a capable, competent child. What a way to grow, period.

Mama could’ve ignored her baby’s desire to NOT play airplane the second time around. She could have just picked him up anyway and begun playing what she knew to be a favorite game. Maybe he’d have settled into it for a short while, but more likely he would have gotten louder in his upset.

What might have she communicated by ignoring his signal for NOT playing airplane? I believe:

“You really don’t mean what you just told me. I know better than you what you meant.” Not a recipe for growing an inner-directed soul who knows just what they want…need…feel. Not a recipe for growing someone able to trust themselves.

“You really don’t feel this way, I know better than you how you feel.” Do we really want to grow future adults who need to look to others to know how they feel? And YES, sometimes we do “know better” how they feel–so naming that feeling and using our words to talk about what we will do is key: “I think you really need to sleep. Let’s try settling to a nap…”

“I don’t trust what you are trying to tell me.” And oh how we WANT them to grow their ability to trust themselves–and us!

“You can’t count on me to respect how you feel.” Respect. Key for healthy relationships and it begins in infancy.

No, instead Mama listened, watched, trusted her baby. She asked him questions and respected his response. Yes, five-month-old babies can tell us plenty–if we watch with care, talk about what we see, respect how they feel. They can tell us so many important things about themselves–and all the while learning so much about themselves, about us, about relationships, about…well…everything.

Even when we have to do something different from what Baby is asking for, we can do it with respect, care, questions, language that helps them understand a bit more.

We can do it gently, affirming out loud what they’d really like and why they may have to wait. We can build their trust in us by following through gently with just what we said needed to happen, “You really want to see Papa RIGHT AWAY. Your diaper is dirty and we need to change it first. Then you can go see Papa!” “You are ready to nurse. I need to use the bathroom first, and then we can settle on the couch together.” “I know you don’t want to get buckled in safely in your car-seat. We are headed out in the car and it is time. Let’s sing a song…”

It was with immense appreciation and joy that I witnessed this lovely, simple exchange between a Mama and Baby. It is in its simplicity that it speaks so loudly for the kind of relationships necessary in order to grow and live well.

Today, listen first. Ask questions. Respect choices. Be calm and consistent with your follow-through. Name and affirm feelings–always! And know, by doing so–no matter what age child you have–you’ve just created a relationship building experience.

How cool is that?
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Whose Homework IS it?!

October 12, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“What will your child learn when homework is HIS job and not yours?

Exactly that. It’s his job. No one is going to do it for him. Isn’t that what raising a responsible child is all about?” (Rhonda Moskowitz)

Back to school time. You are in the midst of it all. The transitions, the excitement, the stress, the worry, the FUN, the work, the who knows what that will present itself as your child moves back into the school rhythm.

And then there is homework. It is a very real issue all the way down to Kindergarten. There’s the fact that kids too young are getting homework–and too much of it. There’s the fact that we parents feel VERY RESPONSIBLE for our kids doing their homework–otherwise they won’t get good grades and then we must be bad parents. Or we won’t “look” good amongst all the parents who’s children soar at homework. Or we just get super worried our kids are going to f-a-i-l. Or or or. You name it, we feel responsible. And it becomes relationship-depleting…and undermines exactly what we really want–a self-directed, responsible future adult .

Read here for the full article. Rhonda (the author) is amazing. And homework is your child’s job. YES you have responsibilities. Responsibilities TO them for things that influence their ability to do their homework. So read on. Feel encouraged, empowered, relieved.

And then use all that time you used to spend hovering and making and pulling your hair out on yourself. Do something, just for you so you CAN step back a bit…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Take. Your. Time.

October 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Take Your Time.

There’s a young Mama in my life of whom I admire greatly. She has the wonderful ability to Take Her Time through much of whatever her toddler and preschooler throw at her. She incorporates PAUSE in such a way that her little ones feel heard, understood, supported, and able to better manage themselves in all they do. Something you each know I speak of often…and yet walking the talk is even difficult for me at times.

I’ve learned much from her. I know she’s learned from me, and yet…this Take Your Time? Watching how she does this no matter the emotions or circumstance has truly empowered me to further grow this in myself. To relax a bit, no matter the situation, and Take My Time through it. No rush. The less the rush, the more it feels right. Good. Healing. Relationship-building, ultimately.

It is HARD, as you all know, in the loud, upsetting, maybe even tantruming moments. It is HARD knowing that it takes so much repetition for little ones to learn–why oh why can’t they figure it out the FIRST time that wrecking their sibling’s work isn’t okay, that hitting and biting hurts, that throwing their food on the floor and watching the dog lap it all up just isn’t going to fly after the first round of laughter from all of us?

We all want our words to work the FIRST time. We all want to make these big and uncomfortable feelings go away, settle down. We all want the HARD to become easy. Now. Not months from now, but immediately. I think this is accentuated by our culture of instant gratification–from ordering on Amazon Prime to Googling answers right away to instant or fast foods, to immediate results for many things and everything becoming just so much faster. That’s a whole other post to write–because I believe it is undermining our lives in truly unhealthy ways. Making it hard to Take Our Time. And it is in Taking Our Time that the most meaningful things come.

Back to the immediate parenting deal and that upsetting BIG feelings situation…

Here’s the deal. It truly does take strengthening our PAUSE muscle. Because as we strengthen this within ourselves–to create a bit of space to calm ourselves and recognize whatever the situation is–the more we can respond from a calm, connected place, the more that is learned. And really, it all comes down to Taking Your Time.

Maybe this looks like your understanding it will take repetition–calm, consistent, clear responses over and over again–in order for you little one to learn and grow. And so you settle in for the long haul. Get clear about what you want, be consistent and calm with how you show them.

Maybe this looks like taking a deep breath as things totally disintegrate and LET them disintegrate. With your company. LET the loud, big upset be loud and big. Work more at calming yourself or arranging your facial expressions to reflect how you’d LIKE to be feeling (!!). And be in it all. Take Your Time.

Because as you do so, you are communicating to your child important messages, such as:

You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave or feel. What a way to help a child feel safe and secure in the midst of BIG feelings.

I have confidence in your ability to manage your feelings. You can count on my company and support to help you along. Just imagine knowing the important person in your life has confidence in YOU.

How YOU feel is okay and all WILL be okay. Wow–to hear (over and over again) that feeling mad or sad or happy or frustrated is OKAY. Just think how that can ripple out into adulthood! Someone who allows themselves to feel fully whatever they need to feel AND know that they will be okay. What a game-changer that could be for all of us.

How you feel is important. Valued. Respected. Imagine having that communicated to you as you rant over what a co-worker or boss or parenting partner did. That your rant is heard, Is important. Is valued and respected. For our children, that is the precursor to calming themselves. To being compassionate towards another. To eventually cooperating and collaborating and sharing and all those wonderful skills and qualities we want to see in our kids.

You don’t need me to decide for you how to feel. This is so key–it is never our responsibility to make another feel a certain way. Yes, we have great influence, and it is ultimately up to each one of us to be responsible for how we decide to feel. And this is empowering. Think about how that ripples out to teen years–as our children learn to understand, accept, and manage their own feelings, they are less likely as teens look to another to tell them what they should do and feel. Pretty important for growing in healthy ways. For relating in healthy ways.

What does Take Your Time actually LOOK like?

With little guys it is about describing what you see, first and foremost. “You are mad…your brother wrecked your puzzle…you both wanted that toy…it’s frustrating when that doesn’t work for you…you bumped your head and it hurt…” Just the act of describing, first and foremost, creates a PAUSE and allows you to Take Your Time. And it helps your child understand and process it all, too. It often gives you insight into just what your child is actually thinking and feeling. Sometimes this can be surprising!

With your older child or teen it may be about saying, “I hear you. I’m feeling pretty upset myself, right now. Let me take a bit to think about this. I will get back to you.” And then you do–both Take Your Time to think, and then get back to them. This creates that PAUSE that slows it all down and allows you to respond in a productive, relationship-building way. Ever so respectful.

Sometimes it is about physically being next to your child for a moment. Just being there, present, connected, waiting for a moment. Working harder at calming your own anxiety then calming them.

Sometimes is is about your encouraging self-talk telling yourself that this particular deal will take a long time to learn and you CAN continue stepping in patiently. Over and over and over again. You can do it!

Always it is about seeing any situation as an opportunity for growth and learning (for you and your child!) rather than a problem to solve. This is something I encourage all of you to reflect on–as you rush in to stop, solve, fix, get over as quick as possible (so you can feel better!), consider what you might do differently if you saw this as the opportunity to help your child grow a bit more towards the kind of adult you hope they’ll be. Consider, if it wasn’t a problem to fix, how you might approach it. When we step in thinking it is our job to fix something, we rob our children and ourselves of all kinds of important, essential growth. Another post to write!

Take Your Time. Slow it down when you can.

Focus first on calming YOUR self so you can help your child do the same. Allow for the extra few minutes to move

through a difficult moment. Allow the difficult

moment to be a long moment.

Sometimes for older children we are talking days. Weeks. And yet, as we Take Our Time through their difficult moments, situations, stages, THEY can feel all that support and encouragement that will ultimately move them through it productively. Healthily. Feeling competent, capable, in charge of their selves. How cool is that?

What do YOU need in order to Take Your Time? To take care of you along the way. Remember those Self-Care deposits I talk about? Be sure to do something, just for you, regularly. One minute, hours. Whatever works in your life. It all counts.

Be sure to think about where you have been able to Take Your Time. To feel more comfortable through upset. To help your child move through something difficult. Because it is those times that will bolster you in the midst of the here and now difficult ones.

And PAUSE. Often in your life. Wherever and with whomever. The more you focus on this, the more you strengthen the muscle, the more likely you will find yourself Taking Your Time through something more difficult.

This Mama I admire? She’s taught me this. To Take My Time no matter how disruptive, upsetting, uncomfortable a situation is. To recognize how my button gets pushed and equally recognize I get to control my own buttons. To act-as-if I’m okay with all the uproar around me.

And then the way cool thing happens. That uproar? It settles. Maybe because I Took My Time. Or maybe because, as I focused on calming my self I got a bit clearer about what to do. How to respond. Creative juices flow more readily. Or I make room for a surprising “solution.” Perhaps because I Took My Time, it gave my child the opportunity to figure things out.No matter what, something better emerges. Always. And the best thing of all?

CONNECTION. Real, meaningful, deep, lovely, joyful, heartwarming connection emerges.

What a way to live. What a way to grow. What a way to deposit into any and all of your relationships.

Today, Take Your Time. In whatever way you can. Little or big. Notice how you feel. Notice what works for you. And most especially, notice how it influences situations you are in–with your children, with others.

And thank you to this Mama. I hope she knows how much I am learning from her as she is learning from me.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

To All Parents…

October 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“You should tell him NO. He’s being so disrespectful!”

“Just don’t LET her talk back to you! She should know better…(and so should you!)”

“I’m just so TIRED. And confused. How do I get my kids to listen and cooperate?”

“When YOU were little we never let you get away with that!”

“You should…you better…of you don’t…you should do what I did…MY kids don’t…”

Sage advice from Grandma, your best friend, a neighbor…given rather freely and done to help you get through something difficult–and you have tried it all. You’ve tried to be patient like they’ve said. You’ve tried sticking to certain consequences, making certain rules, forcing them to comply. You’ve read books, followed parenting Facebook pages, tried to copy other parents you are impressed by.

You wonder if you are doing it all wrong…or that you are just a lousy parent and should just throw in the towel and live with the way it is, no matter how crummy it feels. Just live with the overwhelmed, frustrating, TIRED. Just live with your buttons constantly getting pushed, yelling the name of the game, guilt swallowing you whole at times.

Sound familiar? Here’s the good news: You CAN feel better.

This is why I do the work I do. Check out both of my books and my blog. Why?

Because my work is less about advice and way more about DISCOVERY followed by positive and meaningful CHANGE. Discovering what really is working well for you and your children. Looking at things from a different vantage point that can leave you feeling encouraged…empowered…even inspired to create the change you want the most (and definitely putting more smiles on your face).

My work is about growing your ability to tap into what works for YOU and your children–rather than what works for your neighbor, grandma, your best friend–or me! To tap into YOUR strengths, appreciate YOUR child’s abilities, and create the positive and productive and meaningful change you really want.

To feel confident you are parenting WELL.

My books are filled with stories of others walking a similar path as you and will leave you feeling inspired (and relieved!).

They are filled with do-able and practical steps that can be tailored to fit you and the way you do things. They can be the “partner” you need to work alongside you to build the kind of family life and relationships you truly want rather than telling you what to do.

They are warm, encouraging, easy to read, and can leave you feeling far more confident and clear and empowered along your journey as a parent. And just think! I’m a Facebook or blog message away as you have questions, stumble, work hard, want to share….

“Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

“PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”

“Parenting Through Relationship; Ideas and inspiration to help you be the parent you intend to be”

Know that both are written so only a few minutes of reading before you fall sound asleep is enough to leave you feeling the support and encouragement you need the most. Real and lasting change takes time and deserves the respect of time. So take time today–spend a few minutes reading…that’s all.

You CAN feel better. What a gift to your children!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Head Bonks and Ice-Cream Cones

October 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share.

A zoo. A mama and papa with several little ones and a Big Brother–4ish. Ice-cream cone in hand . Others milling around as we do at zoos.

Big Brother, ever so excited and eyes glued on the critters he was watching, WHACKS his head on a railing. Ow! Tears and screams–just as a preschooler often does–BIG, LOUD, over-the-top. Because it HURT.

Ice-cream cone teeters…another person reaches and rescues it before it, too, hits the ground. Love that, by the way. It does take a village to raise a child and helping hands when things go awry are always appreciated.

Mama kneels down and envelopes her son in her arms. Another warm and lovely moment, for when things get upset what do our children need the most?

Our calm, comforting selves offering the safe place to FEEL.

Up she scoops him as he screams. Still wonderfully calm and seemingly (outwardly!) at ease despite all the folks within range. Funny how you can practically feel the uncomfortable energy come off of others when a child (or adult, I suppose) expresses themselves in a less-than-happy and loud way. Funny, I say, because this upset isn’t anything new, odd. or rare. So why are we often uneasy around it? And yes, I can be, as well. Something for all of us to work on…getting a bit more comfortable and then accepting of another’s BIG feelings.

Okay. Back to Mama. As she swept up her son to comfort she said (as we often do), “You’re okay…”

This is often what we say when WE are uncomfortable,

embarrassed, uneasy about our child’s behavior and want very much to quell it, shorten it, STOP it.

Totally understandable–especially when under the scrutiny of the public eye. And yet…

Consider this. When we, often because of our own anxiety or discomfort, try to get our kids to STOP whatever they are feeling we communicate to them several things…

…that we don’t have confidence in their ability to manage themselves and it is our job to do it for them.

…that how they feel isn’t real, valid, honest. That how they feel isn’t “right.” Because we are busy telling them “you are okay” when quite obviously they are not.

…that anything other than happy isn’t okay. Now that can become quite the problem as we get older…

And our kids? They tend to (especially at 4…and in the teen years…) get louder. More upset. Sometimes ridiculously so over something that really was rather minor.

What CAN we do?

PAUSE. Be calm, just like this Mama was. Offer a safe place, just like this Mama did (in her arms–which may or may not be what your child needs). AFFIRM their feelings:”You whacked your head. That really hurt….”

PAUSE again, and give them the time to express themselves. Ask them questions, “Would you like me to rub it?” “Would it help if…?” “What do you need to feel better?” “Papa is holding your ice-cream cone so it stays safe and ready for you when you are ready…”

And wait. With them. And as they start to pull themselves together, because YOUR ability to be alongside them no matter how they feel gives THEM the space and support and encouragement to pull themselves together, you get to say, “It looks like you are feeling better. Are you ready to get down and go check out the tigers…hold your ice-cream cone…march along the path with me…?”

It’s tough. It requires us to recognize how quick we are to try to “fix” our child’s feelings, hurt, experience. It asks us to strengthen our ability to pause and consider. To feel uncomfortable and be okay with that. There’s the tricky part, I think, to feel uncomfortable (embarrassed, anxious, upset…you name it) and BE OKAY with it. Rather like what we are hoping for our kids as they work through hurt or hard of any sort–to know, without a doubt that they CAN, and that they will ultimately be okay, and to trust that.

And when we are able to walk alongside our child through a difficult experience, affirming their feelings, giving them our company (and the feeling of safety that brings), and asking them questions, we are now actively helping grow that future independent, self-directed, whole and wonderful adult we intend.

So today…as your child stumbles, hurts, gets upset and you find yourself wanting them to calm down, be quiet, not hurt so bad…PAUSE. Be there and perhaps be quiet first and foremost. What a way to communicate, “You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you behave and feel.” What a way to build trust. What a way to build confidence (in both of you!). What a way to deposit soundly into the healthy and thriving relationship you want the most.

Here’s to the mama and papa, the ice-cream cone that was eventually handed back (minus a few licks), and the 4-ish little boy who eventually felt better and continued his march through the zoo…:-)

With JOY and appreciation,

Getting Lost in Lego!

October 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

I recently had the great pleasure and privilege of watching a two-year old get totally immersed in…

LEGO.

I know, Lego is for a bit older child. Lego is tricky to manipulate for little hands. Lego is a choking hazard. But here’s the deal, this toddler? I know him. Just as you know yours. I know what he can and cannot do and he had my full presence as he discovered the container of Lego on my shelf. Safety was not a concern. Frustration over little pieces not a concern, either, for I knew this little guy. He has always been allowed to work on his own on things his way–and frustration rarely occurs. He seems to always manage to figure things out…or ask for help when he’s ready. So Lego it was.

Lego. Not the kind that is only “in a kit” that makes certain things. I’m talking the Lego that is all jumbled together full of magical pieces and shapes and the gateway to all things imaginative and creative.

Here’s what I noticed…and so thoroughly enjoyed! We were looking for “a guy” to sit in a toy tractor I had. Down came the long plastic box of mixed up Lego. Mr. Two’s eyes got just a bit wider.

His hands went in and did just what I remembered doing as a child–swimming through all the pieces…back and forth…listening to that wonderful sound of crackles and clicks and shuffles and however Lego sounds to you. Mr. Two discovered “a guy.” This guy had a helmet on his head–“Just like Papa!” Mr Two exclaimed.

The Guy fit into the tractor…but back to that magnetic draw of a container of Lego. Swish swish went his hands. “More guys!” as he discovered other “peoples” and their various hats. Then…”A PLANE!” as he pulled out a creation built by a certain 7-year-old in my life. “No propeller…” and back into the box he swished….

Mr. Two explored and swished and worked and talked and got totally immersed and lost in this Lego for the better part of an hour.

Just think–totally lost in.

Thinking his own thoughts, using his hands, coming up with his own ideas, listening and imagining and creating.

Real learning. REAL learning. This is so essential for our children!

Time to get lost in their play. Hands on, sensory and language rich (oh, how he was talking, using new words, asking questions, musing to himself…), relationship based (I was near and available) play.

So LEGO it is at my house. I know, without a doubt, when Mr. Two returns, he will once again seek out my container of Lego, plunk himself down, swish his way through, and do the work of a child. Including filling up that tractor we started with with all the Lego that can fit in its trailer. Now THAT is a puzzle for a two-year-old.

What a gift to a child.

Lengthy time to get immersed in their work.

PLAY.

Today, find the space and time to give YOUR child an opportunity to do their work. At length. Lost in and immersed and thinking their own thoughts. Hands on. What a way to build healthy brains…healthy relationships…healthy everything.

You CAN.

October 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

How would it be for you to be able to authentically say and feel:

“Our family enjoys light-hearted, warm, respectful times together. We stay calm and considerate as we listen carefully and work together as a team. Our son is responsible, competent, and productive as he moves through his school year.”

Or maybe…

“I am a confident and calming influence on my children as I encourage their growth as cooperative, caring, fun, and capable individuals. We are joyful and connected as a family.” (both quotes from “Parenting Inspired…”)

Maybe you’re chuckling a bit as you read these, thinking how unrealistic they are for YOUR family and the chaos and challenges in front of you.

Maybe you are wondering if anyone actually LIVES like this. (They do, by the way. Both those statements? Real families. Real struggles that evolved to real and positive change.)

Maybe you wish, sincerely WISH for a family life and relationships that leave you feeling exactly like these.

You can. Live like this, that is. You can have a calmer household, feel confident in your self, enjoy family life a whole lot more, support your child as they become responsible, productive, caring individuals.

You can. It takes work. It takes pausing, often, it takes clarity in just what you want the most and intention as you stay focused on just what you can do to influence the growth of all that you really hope for.

This can help you: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1502804484

It can help you move through the reactive hour by hour you are living trying to keep your head above water and instead feel stronger, more confident, really enjoying calmer and more connected relationships with your kids.

It can empower you to create the kind of relationships and family life you want. So check it out. “Parenting Inspired…” It’s an easy, encouraging, feel good read. Really .

And be sure to let me know your thoughts as you work at creating the positive change you want the most. I care.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

It is Time to Demand Excellence

September 28, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Instead of “What’s wrong with ME” why not ask

what’s wrong with our culture? Or hopefully, what is RIGHT

that we can be sure to fuel and grow?

I ask this, following a heartfelt conversation with a young woman wondering, confused, even worried that something is wrong with HER that she doesn’t “feel” the attraction she thinks she is supposed to when a fellow kisses her.

You see, things really are much the same as they were 35 or so years ago when I was a teen and college student. The fairly constant message then (and now) was, “What makes you a person of value is how attractive you are to the opposite sex.” Or the same sex. No matter. “Luckily” all the media-driven influence on our culture was limited to television and print when I navigated it.

Now, we are engulfed.

And even the young women who grow up feeling and knowing their inner strength, find themselves doubting. Worried. Thinking something is wrong with them that, following one or two dates, they just aren’t FEELING the attraction the fellow is bestowing on them. Maybe “just” through a kiss…but a kiss? It is intimate. And when it is too soon or with the wrong person, you aren’t going to “feel it.” No matter what every single screen oriented ANY thing tells you. No matter that every show you watch and music video played and latest popular book read and sign you see and words heard tell you. And yet our young women–even the strong ones–find themselves thinking THEY are “wrong.” No no no. It is our media/tech-driven culture that has magnified all of this and engulfed us.

No wonder our young women are confused. Worried. Anxious. And I am most certain many of our young men are, as well. The pressure on them to be a certain way, as determined by the media and tech world, has become equally intense and unhealthy.

We need to do better. Much, much better. Way beyond all the work each of us are doing within our own families.

We need to push back on our media and tech driven culture and be loud, consistent, and constant about demanding better. Or rather, demanding excellence. We need to be clear so they can be clear, too. Both the media AND our children.

And we need to be clear for ourselves.

We need to know, without a doubt, the kind of future adults we hope our children will grow into.

We need to know clearly what we are role modeling–and be intentional in doing more of what we see is healthy and right for our kids.

We need to empower our children from early on by understanding and affirming their feelings, focusing on their strengths and abilities rather than falling into the “good girl” and “good job” trap, or the “it’s my job to make you feel a certain way” trap.

We need to foster relationships that will have our eventual teen or adult wanting to turn to us as a resource.

We need to take responsibility for ourselves and all that we say and do so our children can do the same.

And we need to let all sources of our media and tech driven culture that undermines the health of our children (and us) know, without a doubt, we demand better. We want excellence.

What we focus on grows. Let’s look to the excellence. Let’s find it and appreciate it and live it.

Let’s help these young women and men feel strong from the inside out and know, without a doubt, that they are exactly right and okay just as they are. That their feelings are honored, and they can feel confident in respecting just this–how they feel.

Let’s help these young men and women know that we are a strong resource they can count on when those doubts and worries do worm their way in, for they will. And let’s help them each know that we have confidence in their ability to manage those doubts and worries, for they ARE strong, from the inside out, despite those doubts and worries. Or maybe, because of them.

Let’s take full responsibility for our individual roles in creating and perpetuating the very culture we are living in and let’s do so by taking the necessary, intentional, and thoughtful action steps towards the excellence we demand.

Let’s live the respect, care, and compassion we want our children to feel and grow into.

Here’s to the young woman who felt safe enough with me to share her feelings. And here’s to each of you working hard at growing future adults strong and clear from the inside out.

And here’s to asking for, finding, and living the excellence–no matter what the media and tech world portrays.

Thank you for listening…

Alice

Said with a huff, “Parents these days!”

September 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Said with a huff, “Parents these days! They are doing SUCH a poor job…”

Or maybe (and equally with a huff), “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”

Or perhaps, “In MY day we knew how to make our kids behave!”

And off go the adults huffing and puffing…and on go the kids being anywhere from over-the-top challenging to as typical as typical can be…

…and sink-into-an-embarrassment hole goes mom or dad, or maybe just the opposite as their blood pressure goes over-the-top just like the kids…

And THEN…well? Who knows. Maybe everyone gets moved along their way as if nothing is happening–hush hush, now, let’s go. Or maybe mom or dad try ever so hard to get their child to “behave.” Or maybe everyone blows. None of it very pretty. Or effective.

Or encouraging.

And this is where I’m going. It feels pretty awful to have others throwing comments your way or even just thinking them that are all about CRITICISM. And really, isn’t this way more about the critical adult’s discomfort over what seems to be less than wonderful behavior? Discomfort over something they’d LIKE to control and can’t?

I think so. Discomfort that can feel like frustration. Or embarrassment for another, and hence yourself since you now feel embarrassed you are embarrassed. Or maybe just plain anger. And it is expressed verbally, critically, often in what seems to be a “light” manner with that nudge nudge don’t you agree or an eye-roll, or sarcasm.

Consider this. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes support, encouragement, understanding, compassion, extra hands, more time than you ever realized, lots of self-care…

Criticism offers none of these. Appreciation offers all of them. I’m done with–and actually rarely participated in, anyway–chuckling and ha-ha-ing a bit with those who say things like that. I’m done with walking away and rolling MY eyes at my husband who knows exactly what I’m thinking. Nope. No more. Because I intend to get much better myself at staying true to what I believe and know…even if discomfort reins.

Said (by me) to those huffing and puffing over “Parents these days!”, “You know, I think parents these days are doing a darn good job with an extraordinarily tough job–and since it takes a village to raise a child, I am sure they’d appreciate any support and encouragement you can give…”

Said (by me) to those declaring, “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”, “You know what, it is really really hard when our child loses it in the store. Seems to me she is working hard at being calm and I think that is exactly what will help the most. I’m going to see if she needs an extra hand…”

Said (by me) to those sure that in THEIR day they did it “right” by “making” their kids behave, “Yep. It’s certainly different now, as we work hard at helping our children grow into independent, self-directed, compassionate adults…” (okay, so I haven’t said that YET, but I’m working on it…)

Encouragement. Appreciation. Support.

Even a quick smile. What a difference for parents when others around them care enough to put aside their own discomfort over what can be a less than wonderful scene and at minimum THINK support, compassion, encouragement.

Even better, offer those needed extra hands, or an appreciative “It’s tough! I get it. Can I help?”, or an understanding smile, or actually step in when kids need to know what they are to do differently, what is expected (like recently in a hummingbird exhibit showing some curious and exuberant children where TO stand and how to be as still as possible as they studied a mama hummingbird in her nest…rather than poking and prodding and bumping and disrupting…) Amazing and rather simple when you think about it when kids are shown what they CAN do rather than be yelled at, yanked, told to quit… Actually, that’s a whole other post to write and its all about what we focus on grows….

Just think what could be different for all of us if we felt and experienced this support and encouragement instead of critical eyes and words when we are most embarrassed, upset, frustrated. Just think.

And just think what our children will learn about their world around them–that we are all in this together, striving to do our best and being better every single day, and that they (and us!) can count on this village to be there for them. No matter what. Helping them become their very best, as well.

How cool would that be? Today, appreciate, first and foremost. I think you’ll like what it can change…and how it feels. I know I do.

Tired, hungry, and four! A story for you…

September 20, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A 4-year-old, crowded restaurant, business being done among 30 adults with Mr. 4 being the one and only child. Oh. And pancakes and bacon, too. Eventually.

Dinner time. Food coming ever-so-slowly. His hunger ramped up (and was helped a bit by a snack..), his tired self getting more tired, and the buzz of conversation all around swallowing him up.

Can you see where this might be going? What would you expect from a hungry, tired, 4-year-old surrounded by adults and watching food being served all around…?

Mr. 4 initially was telling stories, drawing with pen and paper, sucking down his water and having fun with his straw. He busily shed his coat (keep in mind, 4’s are still learning all those buttons, snaps, and zippers…and armholes!), discussed important 4-year-old matters with those closest to him (like how many pancakes can YOU eat?)…

…and then he began to ramp up. In subtle ways. The quick “raspberry” with his tongue right in your face. The big, bigger, biggest kick and arm flail as he described something. Voice escalating.

And here is where a real difference can be made.

Here’s where we can EITHER get a bit agitated ourselves, worried he might act up further, stress over WHEN is his food COMING and then find ourselves saying, “Cut it out. Stop. It’s not nice blowing raspberries in my face. Keep your feet to yourself. Lower your voice, you are in a restaurant….”

And if we do that, most likely any Mr. 4 would respond louder. BIGGER. Maybe hit. Or kick more. Or melt-down all the way. We’d be even more frustrated. Embarrassed. DONE. Things would probably just continue to deteriorate until the Mr. 4 is hauled out to the car and you just leave. Still frustrated. Maybe mad. Pretty much all around relationship-depleting, with everyone focused on all the YUCK and a Mr. 4 still hungry and tired and completely unable to learn much of anything at this point.

OR we could PAUSE.

And then recognize quickly how our Mr. 4 is at that precarious place with hunger, tired, and all-things-adult around him, and without saying a word about the ramping up, engage him in what you know will help him wait further and manage himself successfully. Remember, what we focus on grows.

Such as…when that raspberry was blown directly in your face? Gently put your hand between your face and his, look beyond him to something you can spot in the restaurant and say, “I have an idea! Let’s go find the…” and then get up ready to roll…preschoolers often cue right into the “What? what can we find? I bet I can!” All raspberries-in-the-faces forgotten.

Or when the flailing and kicking happen (remember, this isn’t a meltdown flail and kick, this is a “I need attention!” maneuver), YOUR attention goes to “It is hard to be waiting so long! I need to move my body, too. Let’s go walking and see if we can spot the chef making YOUR pancakes!” And off you go on what is sure to be an adventure, moving bodies in just the right ways.

Instead of “correcting his behavior“ (mostly so you’d feel better…), you let a PAUSE step up, an awareness for the precarious place your Mr. 4 is in, and intentionally put your attention on what would be okay for a preschooler to do as they do the hard work of waiting. And ultimately? Your Mr. 4 now learns a bit about how to wait the long wait. That special-to-him adults recognize how tough it is and will partner along with him to make this hard a bit easier. That there are ways to move and talk and BE in a restaurant that are okay and help burn some of the tired-of-waiting energy.

What a difference that can be made by how WE decide to respond to our child’s potential “acting up.”

What a difference was made with this Mr. 4 who, even though he was all those things–tired, hungry, swallowed up by lots of talking adults–discovered, because of the decisions certain adults made around him, that he COULD be the very last one served his food…and Mr. 4 was, ultimately, the LAST one served.

And he learned, as did all of the delighted adults around him, that he could manage himself just fine, thank you. All because of the simple steps of pausing, staying calm and engaged, focusing very little on the ramping up and much, much more on just the right ways to help him wait.

And boy, did those pancakes and bacon disappear off of HIS plate lickety-split!

Enjoy,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Quit fighting! Go to your room!

September 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

“No more hitting! Go to your room!”

“We have to leave, it’s late. If you aren’t going to listen to me, then there’ll be no bedtime stories when we get home!”

“No screen time. None. Zippo. Nada. Not until your room is entirely clean. Oh! And if you are going to use THAT tone with me, then there will be no playing with your buddy tomorrow!”

“There’s no way you can have the toy back. Not until you learn how to play with it nicely!”

“QUIT FIGHTING. Argh. Both of you–to time out!”

Sound familiar? Sound productive?

Usually not, unless compliance and obedience in the moment is your goal, and long-term frustration and discontent equally your goal.

Here’s the deal. When we punish we are really saying “You need to behave the “right way,” the way I want you to behave, otherwise I will lose it and won’t feel the good and in control parent I want to be!”

We tend to be more reactive because we are frustrated they aren’t doing what we want them to do. We are exerting outside control on our kids–trying to get them to do it our way–rather than helping them learn to manage themselves from the inside out. We tend to not listen. And yes, often what we are trying so hard to make them do might be of benefit to our child, the situation, but the more it is about our upset, the less they are really learning what it is we hope they will learn.

Instead they are most likely learning:

“Mom loses it when I…” (now their focus is on us, rather on themselves). “I sure know how to push Dad’s button!” “How I feel doesn’t matter, it is how mom feels that matters.” “I need others to control my behavior.” “I’m not competent…” “Dad has no confidence in me or my ideas or…” “I can’t control myself.”

Probably not the lessons you hoped for. And definitely relationship depleting and ultimately making your job so much harder, for your punishments?

They’ll need to get tougher and tougher over time, since the lesson learned is really that your child needs you in order for them to behave. Talk about exhausting…

Let’s look at a different approach–a respectful and relationship building one.

It takes more time, yet in the long run it makes your job so much easier, because your children grow themselves from the inside out, learning to manage themselves, learning to understand feelings, to collaborate and cooperate and work with you. Really!

Here are the same examples for you:

~”Hitting is never okay, it hurts. I can see you are upset. It looks like you really were annoyed when your brother surprised you.” PAUSE. Give space for your child to respond. “Can you tell him about the mad you feel?” And to the brother, “It hurt when she hit you! She really didn’t like it when you surprised her. You enjoy sneaking up and surprising her–it can be a fun game when she likes it, too.” PAUSE. “Do you two have ideas for how this game could work so both of you enjoy it?”

~”It’s time to go now. I can tell you are having a lot of fun and don’t feel ready to leave. What is one more thing you’d like to do before we get our shoes and coats on?” PAUSE. Listen. “Okay! When you are finished with your turn, we’ll head out.” Maybe your child still resists–“You really still don’t feel ready. Now we are going. Off we go to the car–!” And you pick them up, shoes in hand, and head to the car, calmly, matter-of-factly, ready to turn on the music so you have something to distract YOU as they turn their screaming volume up high…

~”When your room is picked up, you can watch your show.” THAT tone gets used. PAUSE. “It makes you mad that you have to work on your room, first. There is a lot of stuff on your floor–I bet it looks pretty overwhelming to you! Would it help if I picked up the clothes and you worked on filling your bookshelf?” PAUSE. “Looks like you aren’t ready for my help. I’ll be in the kitchen. If you change your mind, let me know.” And off you go…

~”Blocks aren’t for throwing! Let’s see how high of a tower we can build with them, instead.” “Hmmm…you still feel like throwing. I’ll put the blocks away for now and you and I can go find all the soft things in the house that we CAN throw!” “You really want the blocks back. When you’ve calmed down (and I can help you), you can try building with them again…”

~”Sounds like the two of you are having a hard time working together. I hear a lot of loud and upset voices.” PAUSE. Space for your kids to respond. “You both have ideas for how to play the game.” PAUSE. “I wonder what the two of you can work out so both ideas could be used?” And keep on pausing…

Respectful. Thoughtful. Your focus on what it is you really want your child to learn–to use their words, to control their bodies, to express their feelings appropriately and productively, to know what they CAN do to build friendships, to communicate, to grow well.

Now you’re communicating YOUR confidence in who they are becoming; that their feelings and ideas are valued; that they matter; that you respect them. Now they are more likely to respect you, as a result.

What does this require from you?

Pausing, first and foremost. Calming your own upset. Being clear on just what you want the most–including what qualities you intend to foster in your children AND what you want in the moment. Then stepping into it with the calm confidence and clarity necessary for guiding your child.

Often it isn’t very pretty. You can feel exhausted. A wreck. Embarrassed, even. Your adrenaline at times can get the best of you. I encourage you to keep focused on respectful parenting–on relationship building interactions–on the kind of adult you intend to launch into the world. And this is what you show your child as you guide them through the tumultuous times.

Show them how to PAUSE. Show them about feelings. Show them how blocks are to be used and how others’ feelings are to be respected. Show them what collaboration looks like. Show them respect by being respectful–and this includes honoring their choice to NOT listen or behave and calmly following through with the results of this.

Consequences really are just the result of your child’s choice and an opportunity to guide them a bit more towards the “end” you intend. Let go of controlling and instead show your child today. And know it is a journey, a process that deserves the respect of time.

You can do this! It initially takes extra time and energy…so be sure you are depositing into YOUR self-care account regularly–then you’ll have the patience and resilience necessary. And the best parts? Parenting gets easier and relationships can thrive. Truly. How cool is that?

A resource to help you along: “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

Here’s to respectful parenting,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

That Scary Stick Horse…

September 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and ever so enjoyed:

~ The gentle and respectful introduction of a scary and at times noisy stick-horse (you know, those yard long sticks with a big furry head on top, then add squeezing the ears for a “trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound?) to a certain 15-month-old in my life. Watching his Mama first ask her little guy if he’d like to see the horse and ***pausing*** as she waited for him to mull it over. And mull he did. He’d had a startling experience once upon a time with this very same Scary Horse, and he’d been quite wary of it since. Mama continued to PAUSE and wait quietly.

Toddler looked at her, the Scary Horse, and back to her and proceeded to BOUNCE up and down.

“You would like to see the horse!” And then Mama s-l-o-w-l-y brought Scary Horse closer, watching with care.

Concern spread across toddler’s face, Mama slowed down further.

“You’re not sure how close you’d like him to come,” she said.

Relief spread across this little guy’s face. He relaxed and Scary Horse came all the way over and out stretched the toddler’s hand to touch the soft face. Now he even wanted to hear the “trot trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound–as long as Mr. Horse was moving BACK to where he belonged in the corner of a room. What a wonderfully respectful way to grow confidence in a little guy. He was in charge of what he felt and Mama respected this. He was communicating clearly, and Mama respected this. I bet next time he is just a bit more comfortable with Mr. Horse, for he is no longer Scary Horse!

~ The first grader who shared his new deck of Pokeman cards with a favorite adult. Despite a fun movie (Inside Out!) being enjoyed together, it was the Pokeman cards that were number one in his life–he spent the entire movie laying out the cards on the floor in rows of ten, talking constantly about each one, what they meant, and then ordering them by how they “evolve.” Now and then he’d pause, climb up next to his adult and snuggle, with a few cards in hand to talk about, all the while watching the movie and saying “I won’t tell you what happens because I don’t want to spoil it for you, but…” and on he’d go with what happens! Then off the couch to re-organize his cards once again…The perpetual motion, the curiosity, the imagination, the conversation…oh, the fun! Having the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with a 6.5 year old is something to cherish…

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–YUM! Kitty food! On and on he scrambled around the house, mewing and purring and if he’d had a tail, it would have been happily swishing away!

His total engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending...all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be. To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy! This kitty can come play at my house any time :-).

Take time today to notice and appreciate. Whether it is a parent working hard at keeping it together or a child’s antics that put a smile on your face, or a moment caught between parent and child that leaves you feeling a bit of real joy. Notice and appreciate, for what we focus on grows.

Enjoy!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

How we see the world IS our responsibility

September 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Because of the continual, hard, and often negative news we can be immersed in with media, news sources, struggles within our own communities and families, I reflect often on Mister Rogers, on what we CAN control, on how the work we do to grow ourselves as parents can strengthen us in times of any trouble.

So, with Mister Rogers’ help, let’s focus first on ourselves, consider what we really want for our children and world, and then take responsibility for the actions we take. Let’s respond rather than react. Let’s be clear on what we can and cannot do and take responsibility for all that we can…

We are responsible TO our children, community, world for how each one of us decide to think, feel, and behave. For the kind of environment–physical and emotional–that we provide for our children, for others, for ourselves.

We are responsible FOR how we decide to respond to all that is presented. Reactivity gets us no where fast. It is the “easiest” reaction to something that pushes our button, and then the result becomes the hardest to dig ourselves out of.

Let’s use all the negativity and damage that we are watching unfold almost daily (if you are immersed in the news….) as a way to grow ourselves, from the inside out. To PAUSE. To really think and consider what we truly want for our family, our communities, our world.

And then step into whatever is pushing your button and respond based on just this–what you value the most. This we do have control over–how we decide to think, feel, and act.

It is hard, for it can leave us feeling vulnerable. Yet when we act in alignment with what we believe and know to be right and good from the inside out, then amazing things can happen.

Through the hard comes real and meaningful connection.

Respect. Appreciation and gratitude. Love. Kindness. Growth. Rarely easy. Often messy. Downright scary at times. Loss is a part of this. Compassion comes from it.

So yes, how we are choosing to “see” the world right now IS our responsibility.

Be intentional. Be kind. Be clear and certain and steady. Be a hero. Even if it is “just” for your child. That can be enough. For our children? They are watching, learning, growing–show them the way by staying clear and certain in your integrity.

This we can control.

What we focus on grows and I choose to look at all the yuck we are often buried in through a lens of LIGHT.

Thank you, Mister Rogers.

With deeply felt appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Let those (ever-so-big and upsetting) feelings FINISH.

September 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“I just have to finish my cry.” (Teacher Tom)

All the way. Completely.

I truly appreciate this article on Teacher Tom’s blog. All about sitting with another in an uncomfortable place. This is something our children are ever so good at giving us LOTS of opportunity to do–to grow ourselves as we get better and better at sitting in another’s upset, sad, discomfort without trying to fix or judge or excuse.

This, I believe, is true empathy.It is the ability to step

into another’s shoes, accept their experience and feelings as based

in their truth (not necessarily ours), and connect.

Not fix or judge or excuse, but connect.

This is difficult. We all want those LOUD feelings to just go away–way less embarrassing, uncomfortable, aggravating.

We all want our deeply hurt child to be no longer deeply hurt (and to make sure the person who hurt their feelings so deeply apologizes! Go check out my “say your sorry” article! ). We all want that toy throwing, foot stomping, door slamming, tantrum throwing child (or teen!) to COOL THEIR JETS. Now. For heaven’s sake hurry up we don’t have time for you to finish your cry completely. Pull it together!

And yet…take a moment and consider the messages we can communicate when we let our anxiety over our child’s big (and very real) feelings get in the way of connecting in a relationship-building way. Consider these:

...”I can’t handle how you are behaving and feeling.” Whew. For a child to hear that the most mature person cannot handle how the least mature person is feeling–that is truly scary.

...”How you feel doesn’t matter…isn’t important…is not valued…” Yikes. Probably never what we want to communicate…we ALL want our feelings to matter and be valued–to be heard and understood and welcomed into a safe, loving place…

...”You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset…” Talk about rocking a child’s world and undermining the trust on which all is built.

...”You need ME to tell you how you SHOULD be feeling, handling this, thinking, behaving…” Now there’s an often well-meaning response, but all it really does is undermine our child’s confidence in themselves and ability to manage themselves…and have them turning more and more to others to fix, tell how, think for…

…”How you feel isn’t okay/good/allowed. You need to feel differently (aka, happy)!” Here’s the deal–as much as “happy” is way easier, if our response to our child’s big upset feelings is to get happy, then we are displacing just what makes us whole and wonderful human beings–our incredible and valuable range of feelings. The more deeply we feel, the more incredible joy and connection is ours to be had.

Okay. So those are some of the messages we give another when we are unable to “let them finish their cry.” Here’s a short story for you I shared initially on Teacher Tom’s post that highlights the power of letting someone finish their cry:

“To be allowed to finish your cry…how essential for all things relationship-building. I know a young mama whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over a vacuum incident and pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t comfort him, she paused…sat herself down across the room from him and waited for him to finish his cry.

She found her self quietly talking to him, affirming his upset, and eventually (maybe for her own comfort!) starting to sing. This had her little guy pausing a bit in his Big Cry…then toddling across the floor to fling himself into her arms and finishing his cry. Now mama cried as she gratefully comforted her son and realized what a gift she had just given him: an opportunity to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm and connected (even from a distance) even though he couldn’t (what a way to feel safe and secure). So much learned…and mama just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset!”

I just have to finish my cry. YES. To grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit in another’s discomfort is a real gift for all.

Today, see what works for you to PAUSE in your child’s upset.

Consider letting them “finish their cry completely.” Decide how that might look for you and for your child. Think about empathy…and how, in their truth, whatever pushed their button was worth the big feelings.

Let them know you are there and be a quiet presence for them. Notice what it takes for you–talk to your anxiety, your discomfort, your irritation. Discover what works for you to manage YOUR feelings so your child can learn to manage theirs.

And wait. Your child will let you know just when he needs more than your company…or you will know because you’ve waited quietly alongside (or across the room!), staying present and keeping them company and tuned in to just what they need the most. Trust yourself–and value the discomfort YOU are feeling. It is what makes YOU a whole and wonderful human being.

Thank you, Teacher Tom. Your writing resonates, empowers, and inspires.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned from a Toddler

August 29, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment

Lessons learned (and delighted in and stressed over) from a toddler:

~ Boxes and tape are way more fun then whatever is inside... Always.

~ When I want the blue cup, no the green cup, actually YOUR cup, but really NO cup, how about those crackers, no not THOSE crackers, I mean just PUT ME DOWN, I really want UP–it means I really am just w-a-a-a-y over tired…

~If you tell me it is time to get my diaper changed or leave or put on my jacket or get out (or in) of the tub, count on me to probably say NO…but PLEASE help me by meaning what you say and helping me to still do what you say it is time to do…now my world really can make sense…

~ Laps are best when a book is involved...and who says you have to sit still when being read to?

~ Even the littlest thing deserves great scrutiny…including that teeny tiny spider crawling across the floor, the crumb stuck to my thumb, the owie on YOUR hand, or the errant cheerio hiding under the fridge…(that deserves tasting, as well!)

~ ORDER is important! Keep the peas separate from the mashed potatoes, please…and I really do need to know that nap time follows lunchtime on a regular basis and that my favorite stuffed animal or blankie ALWAYS can be counted on to go to daycare with me…

~ MESS is essential! Smooshing the peas into the mashed potatoes makes a wonderful gooey and perhaps yummy (if chosen to be eaten) mess…oh! And how fun it is to lean w-a-a-a-y over and drop the gooey mess PLOP onto the floor and watch my dog slurp it all up…

~ When you say “Bye” to me, leave. Even if I cry. Even if I cling like an octopus or press my gooey nose and drippy eyes up against the window or end up a puddle on the floor. But make sure you come back when you said you would. Now I really can count on you!

~ Who says socks have to go on feet and pants on legs? Be creative! Think out of the box!

~ Puddles are SUPPOSED to be relished with feet, boots, hands, bottoms, dancing, hopping, poking, rock throwing, dog lapping, all things wet and muddy…why else are they there after it rains?

~ Sudsing up hands under warm water and watching the bubbles swirl around in the drain and more bubbles be made as my hands squish together and just getting lost in all this warm water play is a lovely way to spend lengthy time cleaning up…please don’t hurry me!

~ Tears are best met with the comfort of welcoming arms…or just company nearby cuz sometimes I feel MAD at you.

~ JOY is to be shared as ridiculously funny things happen like falling boom on my bottom to my great surprise or watching the waddling porcupine climb up the zoo cage or delighting in the swirling leaves or discovering a page in my favorite book that has you reading and re-reading and me acting it out and talking about it over and over again…with you.

Lessons from a toddler. What have you learned of recent from your little one? Or delighted in? Or been surprised by? I’d love to hear! Including any button pushing moments…of which there can be plenty with our terrific toddlers .

Parenting Success RECIPE!

August 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

A Recipe for YOUR Parenting Success

Growing a healthy, ready to learn child and a family that can thrive (from Alice’s Cookbook)

Combine:

A pinch to many cupfuls of Self-Care
Large amounts of The Three C’s (Calm, Connection, Consistency)
Multiple dollops of Being Bored and Empty Spaces
Infinite helpings of Respect Feelings
Liberal amounts of What We Focus on Grows
Daily and Generous doses of Nature (often found in those Empty Spaces)
Many scoops of Choice
Heaping cupfuls of PAUSE

Mix with care. Let marinate. Allow for a variety of blends depending on amounts of each ingredient. Simmer all through the day. Taste and adjust quantities as necessary. Consider adding other Essential Ingredients such as Light-heartedness and Sense of Humor.

Set oven to “Heartwarming.” Bake for a lifetime.

Enjoy.

Other additions welcomed to this Recipe for YOUR Success!

Parenting Success: What You Focus on Grows

August 23, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Recipe for Parenting Success continues…another Essential Ingredient:

What You Focus on Grows

Intentionally put your attention to just what you want more of. Such as…

…how your child happily shares her yummy snacks with you even though she almost NEVER will do that with her brother no matter how often you encourage her to do…it’s the sharing that DOES happen that needs our attention!

..the fact that your 2-year-old did finally fall sound asleep AND in his bed. No matter that it took two exhausting hours–he DID end up in his own bed . And asleep. Definitely focus on that!

...how easily your child listened and packed her own backpack and got her own coat and shoes on and was out the door and in the car…even though it was because it was field trip day at school and she was incredibly excited to get there. She listened, cooperated, and your morning transition went WELL. Something worth focusing on.

…OR how, despite the tantrums and backpack contents spread from here to Timbuktu that required YOU to gather up and that your youngest had to be hauled out to the car, you all got loaded up. Your kids buckled and fussed and moaned but were “ready to go.” THAT is to be focused on…”Thank you for being ready to go.” (I know, by the time you are in the car, you are d-o-n-e with the whole scene. I get that.)

..how you DID create a pause and calm yourself down…albeit near the end of a knock-down-drag-out fight with your teen. At least you ended on a more connected note…and that is to be noticed and appreciated, for really, isn‘t it the connection we ultimately want more of?

…when your little one, after unrolling ALL of the toilet paper quite happily–really, it is a way-cool skill to spin and spin the roll and it really IS delightful to watch how it spills all over the floor–then gathered up bits and pieces to plop into the toilet and flush it down. THAT is to be focused on and absolutely noticed and appreciated out-loud. “You flushed the TP right down the toilet. You know exactly where it goes.”

…the JOY your child gets out of playing board games, even though she gets oh-so-mad when she loses. It’s the joy and the willingness to play that needs our attention.

…how your teen does get his laundry down to the laundry room and into the washer. Maybe it still sits there several days later…maybe you find you dump it out into a pile just to make the point of “Why don’t you FINISH doing your laundry?!”, maybe air-dried and wrinkled clothes are of no bother to him (just to you). The fact is, he got his laundry down and in. THAT is to be noticed!

…how, despite the loud and pushy wrestling match between your kids, and the tears and “MOOOOOM’s” and “Make him STOP!” you actually found yourself being rather matter-of-fact and unswayed by it all. Maybe it was because of the wonderful day you had getting a massage and going on a long and beautiful walk with a friend and that your husband was bringing take-out home for dinner… 🙂 But no matter how easy it was for you to be so calm, you were. THAT is to be focused on. And appreciated!

Here’s the deal. When we become intentional about

finding what IS working and focusing on it, the more it can actually happen.

Children seek attention in the easiest way–and so often we give it for when things go wrong, for those are the loud, frustrating, chaotic moments and they exasperate us. And we let them know–often just as loudly, frustratingly, chaotically.

When our kids are actually doing things cooperatively, when they do listen, are focused and engaged with a friend immersed in their play, getting jobs done without being asked, we tend to ignore it. Oh, we often notice, but if we SAY something we might stir the pot and heavens we don’t want THAT to happen because at least now we have some peace and quiet…

And yet, those are the things we really DO want more of. So we must give them our attention–more so than all the yuck. What we focus on grows.

Let your kids know–often–what it is you notice and appreciate.

Give them attention (maybe after the fact, maybe during) for their ability to share with you, how much fun it is to play games with someone who loves to play them, how they do get their laundry started, can be ready to roll in the morning, put TP where it belongs, that they must feel so well rested after sleeping soundly in their own bed. And give yourself attention and kudos galore for creating the pause to calm down NO MATTER how late into the conflict it arises.

What We Focus on Grows. Always. In time, with patience, with a strengthening PAUSE muscle. This is a mantra to live by.

And it really is an Essential Ingredient in our Recipe for Parenting Success. Another ingredient can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

Parenting Success: Respect Feelings

August 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Respect Feelings! And oh so difficult at times . A definite Essential Ingredient for our Parenting Success recipe!

Big, little, LOUD, volcanic, deeply felt, seemingly silly or unnecessary in our eyes. When a child is given the opportunity to FEEL, to have us name their feeling, and give them the safe and respectful place to express it, they can then more likely own it, understand it, and better manage it.

And when they can better manage their feelings, all kinds of way-cool things can happen…

…self-awareness grows exponentially–ever so necessary to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, who they are, what their place is in the world, what makes THEM tick.

…they feel more in-charge of themselves–now that is empowering for a child! Confident and capable can lead the way because feelings are understood and appreciated.

…compassion for others grows; empathy is right around the corner. What a necessary quality to grow for healthy living. Empathy for another. It begins with us empathizing with them as they FEEL–however loud, big, volcanic, deeply sad, seemingly unnecessary…

...feeling more in control of themselves, they feel more secure. And with feeling more secure, they can now truly do the job of growing. Because growth takes feeling safe, in control, supported, for this growth? It often feels rather tumultuous…

...they can feel stronger from the inside out–truly what I believe we all want for our children. What better way to set them up for navigating hurt feelings, broken hearts, peer pressure to take drugs, have sex, drink and drive (whoa…ever thought about that as you look at your 4-year-old freaking out and you are exasperated as you tell them–“You don’t need to cry! Get over it!”?)

Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.

Things to focus on:

PAUSE. Calm your OWN anxiety, first. Consider for a moment as your child feels deeply, loudly, energetically. Pauses are ALWAYS helpful–and if it is hurtful behavior being shown as feelings are expressed, a pause can become a part of your stepping in quickly via your self-talk, it can be those deep breaths you take as you stop your child, it can be the moment you physically wrap your arms around them to stop the hitting or running or whatever is happening. Need help with this? See my books! Or ask

Name and affirm their feeling: “I can tell you are…” “You seem disappointed.” “It really hurts your feelings…” “That makes you MAD.”

Give choices with what they CAN do with feelings that are over-the-top and needing a more productive direction: “You feel really angry. I will stop you from hurting me. If you need to hit, let’s go hit the couch…pound the floor…”

And always, always follow through with the choices given.

Know that, as you work at staying calm and connected with your child no matter their upset, you are communicating to them they can count on you to keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot. What a way for a child to feel safe and secure even in the midst of a big upset. What a way to grow TRUST in you, in themselves.

Respect Feelings.

A key ingredient and essential for a child to grow well, be in-charge and in control of themselves. To feel compassion and be compassionate. To have the inner self-awareness necessary to truly know themselves and to feel strong from the inside out.

Another essential ingredient can be found right here.

Here’s to you…

Parenting Success: Being Bored and Empty Spaces

August 15, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Recipe for Parenting Success, continued. Essential ingredients:

Being Bored and Empty Spaces.

Let your child be bored…instead of rushing in to fill their time with all the cool ideas YOU have (or chores or homework or whatever else is decided they need because they are bored…), PAUSE.

Consider Being Bored an essential ingredient for SUCCESS. It often creates the Empty Space so necessary for a child to reflect, come up with creative ideas, imagine, get lost in play or their ideas or a good book. It helps them discover all kinds of life skills from problem solving to thinking to greater self-awareness. And all of this? It makes YOUR job as a parent easier.

The trick to this ingredient? YOU. Being able to respect boredom as the valuable “empty space” it is. Being able to say to your extra whiny, clingy, “MOOOOOOM, I’m BOOOOOORRRRREEEED!” something along the lines of, “Oh? You’re bored. I wonder what you are going to do about that.” And then off you go focusing on all the million and one things you have to accomplish.

Really. That is enough. When they come back at you because they aren’t used to Being Bored, you get to twinkle your eyes at them and continue on with your job.

And when they STILL push push push for you to fill their Empty Space and “fix” their Being Bored, you might find yourself saying, “I remember being bored. I always had fun doing…I wonder what ideas you have.” or maybe you’ll say, “I need another half-an-hour to finish up my work. I’ll check in then and see how you are.” And because you keep your promises you do check in when you are finished with your work.

Being Bored. A key ingredient for the Recipe for Being a GREAT Parent.

Now add Empty Spaces that have nothing to do with Being Bored.

Empty Spaces (and this often includes lots of nature…always an essential ingredient!). Time for your child to just BE and follow their thoughts. You, too. You need Empty Spaces….

Here’s where I’ve noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed this essential ingredient of recent:

~ The mama quietly following behind her 2.5-year-old through a local greenery. This little one was concentrating on run-run-running along the brick paths, stopping to gaze at all the color around her, touching flowers oh-so-gently AND with gentle reminders to do so, following the dog who watches over all those beautiful plants, stopping to study dirt on the ground, blooms that had fallen, and more. Appreciated? How mama quietly followed (creating an Empty Space for herself, as well), 100% tuned in. What a way to respect her little one’s exploration. I mentioned my appreciation and when mama said, “We have time to waste!” I HAD to respond with, “There is not a minute being wasted here. What a wonderful and important way to deposit into YOUR child’s fast growing brain and in-charge-of-herself self.” I just couldn’t resist because, well, so MUCH was being learned in this Empty Space of time mama was giving her toddler .

~ The 9-year-old boy, by himself, poking at the boat he made from old branches of a cow parsnip plant. He had collected the hollow and wide stems, tied them together with a bit of string, and was now testing his boat in the run off of melted snow down the culvert on his street. Lost in thought, considering ways to dam up this water to create a deeper pond, pausing to smile and tell me about his ideas. Appreciated? That he was lost in his play, immersed in all things science, and given the time and space to do so–explore his world, hands-on, creative, focused, problem solving. Oh so much being learned in THIS seemingly Empty Space!

~ A certain 7-year-old in my life. Drawing and writing endlessly. Time to do so at length in his home. A mama who intentionally limits “extra-curriculars” and “have-tos” many afternoons following school and gives her son the Empty Space of following his OWN whims (along with a snack, of course ). What unfolds? Total immersement in designing monsters and bird-like creatures, complete with scientific descriptions and stories to accompany. If one is lucky, one gets to hear his stories when he is ready. If one is REALLY lucky, one gets to HAVE one of his most incredible drawings. So much happening in this Empty Space given him most days--the creativity and imagination combined with fine-motor skills and artistry combined with language and story writing and scientific discovery…whew. And just think, with her son so immersed in his own imaginative self, mama has the opportunity to relish an Empty Space for herself (or get those chores done and dinner made…!).

All of this incredible discovery and learning because of what can seem like an Empty Space we adults need to fill.

THIS is an important ingredient in the Recipe for Success…

Our ability to let go of filling what seems to be a “wasted” space and trust what can unfold, instead.

And it can make your job as a parent easier.

Today, find an Empty Space to give your child. Know that as you give them this space to BE you are providing them with opportunities absolutely key for growing well. Even if that Empty Space gets filled with the loud, upset, or any other BIG feeling (like Being Bored…!), it is valuable. Really! Essential ingredient for growing well .

Find the entire recipe for your Parenting Success right here. And enjoy!

Parenting Success: The Three C’s

August 13, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

You know that slam-dunk recipe for parenting well you wish existed? There’s yet to be a cookbook that has one, yet there are Essential Ingredients that belong in the as-yet-written “Recipe for Parenting Success.” Self-Care is number one.

The next extremely Essential Ingredient is:

The Three C’s: Calm, Connection, and Consistency.

And if you follow me then you know what is coming next…

PAUSE.

Really, maybe that is key for this Essential Ingredient–a healthy dash of PAUSE.For when our buttons are pushed–whether it is mad, sad, anxiety of any sort–it is ESSENTIAL to practice a PAUSE. A pause that allows you to calm down a bit…to get clear on just what you want…and then step back in and respond based on what you really want rather than all the button pushing emotions that try to get the best of you. And probably often do.

This is the CALM of your Three C’s.

When we CAN calm ourselves a bit, we are more likely to create the very connection our child, who is actively pushing our button and seems to want nothing to do with us or connection, really really needs. And that includes the teen who slams the door in your face and the preschooler who screams louder and louder .

And when we can create the CONNECTION...

…maybe just by staying quiet and near, or maybe by sitting alongside, or maybe by affirming feelings, or maybe by taking them by the hand and joining them in a time out for recharging, or maybe by giving them the respectful space to sort out their feelings, first–we are more likely going to influence them in such a way that they really hear us, feel understood, focus on themselves rather than on all the UPSET we could have emphasized by not pausing.

And when they can feel the connection and understanding and encouragement and have the chance to think about themselves, all kinds opportunities arise for showing our kids what it is we are hoping for, we can better listen to them and understand them, we are more likely going to notice nuances that are key for moving through the yuck in relationship building ways. WE are in a better position to positively influence our kids. How cool is that?

Then there is CONSISTENCY.

Because we’ve paused, calmed, and created connection, we are now more likely quite clear on just what it is we DO want and what the choices are for our child–and there is yet another Essential Ingredient: CHOICES.

When we can offer up choices and then FOLLOW THROUGH with what we said we’d do or they can do or whatever the result of the choice is, when we can follow through right away–our child can now count on what we say we mean and will do. We keep our promises.

This is how trust is built. With our PAUSE, our calm, our connection, and our consistency in what we say, mean, and do, our child can feel safe and secure.They can test and push and do all things they are supposed to within the safe and secure place of TRUST. Even when the world rocks their boat, if they feel safe and secure and able to trust, they can regain their balance and continue on doing the growing they need.

Really. So today? Practice pausing. Find a place of calm–even an iota, it counts. Consider what it is you really want in the situation…and then step back in responding instead of reacting. Trust this will be a deposit into the connection your child needs. Then respect choices made and consistently follow through with the results.

Truly an Essential Ingredient–The 3 C’s. Plus a (rather large) dash of PAUSE. Need help? Check out my book, PAUSE. It is all about the power of calm connection in our lives.

Continue…

Parenting Success! A Self-Care Savings Account

August 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A Recipe for Parenting Success! Just think, an actual

RECIPE for our kids so they CAN grow well…

Okay, so there really is no ONE recipe or “cook book” for raising a child, but there certainly are key “ingredients” to consider…here is one I feel is so so important (and yes, I will continue to share more over time!):

ESSENTIAL ingredient for that “Recipe for Parenting Success” and growing healthy kids and a family that can thrive:

A Self-Care Savings Account

You know the drill–you give and give and give, chaos swirls around you, perpetual motion is the name of the game–especially with your little ones–and you become more and more aware of how yucky it all feels, of how grumpy you are, of how your kids are super challenging–button pushing, rebelling, whining, doing everything BUT what you want them to do.

Of how just plain EXHAUSTED you are.

Time for YOU.

Take a minute–yes, just a minute!–and do something, just for you that feels good. Right now.

One mama shared recently how just stepping into her bedroom and feeling the comfy carpet under her toes and looking out the window feels G-O-O-D; another talked of pausing long enough to breathe deeply–amazing what a few deep breaths can do for us.

I like to choose my favorite mug and tea, put the kettle on…and if I get to actually drink it, I consider it a bonus!

How about intentionally lingering in the hot shower for an extra minute, no matter the chaos right outside the door? Or maybe burying your nose in the wonderful blooming plant in your living room or garden and breathing in the scent. Or how about gazing at a favorite photo and enjoying the smile it puts on your face? Especially those ones from first birthdays where the chocolate cake is smeared ALL over their faces?! That’s one of my favorites.

One dad I know found he would just sit in the car an extra minute, no matter the hollering in the back seat, and breathe before he started the trek from car to house with all the backpacks, snacks, jackets, fighting; another parent shared how, when she arrived at her child’s daycare center, she just sat in the parking lot for 5 minutes. That’s all. Five minutes. For her. To breathe, look out the window, maybe shut her eyes…

Or how about stopping to lean down and stroke the silky ears of your pet, or intentionally covering your computer screen while you eat a snack, or finding a silly You Tube to laugh at? Only a minute and just for you. Even a brief time alone in the bathroom with pounding on the door and little fingers reaching under the door can count 🙂

Self-care. Anything you do, intentionally and just for you, becomes a deposit. Know that each little thing adds up–it all counts. Notice how it feels as you move through today and create tiny pauses to take care of you. Notice what is different; what more you decide to do. Notice. It’ll all add up and it’ll begin to truly make a difference in how you feel, how you move through the exhaustion, how you handle the chaos. So go, right now, and create a self-care PAUSE for just a minute just for you.

Truly an Essential Ingredient. Perhaps the most important, for taking care of YOU is paramount for parenting and living well.

Go deposit into your Self-care Savings Account today.

You are worth it and your children will be blessed by it.

With JOY and appreciation,

A Tribute to My Mom

July 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Story Time! 2 Comments

I’ve been reflecting quite a bit since my mother passed this spring.

I find myself thinking about what a powerful influence we are for our children and my mom was for me and my girls. We often are so stressed about what we are doing and how we are doing it when it comes to raising children. Maybe pausing a moment and having me share a few of the things that have left a huge impact on me over time can help YOU pay more attention to some of those little things whether it is for your own child or another in your life.

Because, really, this is all about depositing into healthy, respectful, truly connected relationships. And my mom had a knack for that.

I am grateful for having in my heart forever and for always:

The twinkle in your eyes that you seemed to have every single day as long as I can remember. The twinkle as you lit up each time we saw each other, each time you re-connected with your granddaughters. The twinkle, the smile, the JOY that, as you grew older, came out through tears, as well .

How you never asked me to clean up my room--you just had me shut the door when we had company over . You gave me a space for me to be fully in charge of. I learned a lot from that…(and often reflected on when my own daughters’ rooms could have used a bulldozer to make a path through…)

How you always were someone I could count on to listen and HEAR me, and then offer a bit of wisdom that seemed to always be just right. And if it wasn’t, that was okay, too. I just knew you’d listen. How cool is that? I’m still working on doing that with my girls as well as you did for me.

How you plunked yourself down on my young teen daughter’s bed and admired every single one of her posters–especially enjoying the cute guy ones together…something important to a 14-year-old . And you knew that.

The respect, care, and compassion you showed for all animals--except for maybe that rat that showed up in our toilet bowl. That was rather icky and I still remember that! And how this respect, care, and compassion has rippled out to impact my life and my daughters’ in profound ways.

How you let me stay home from school the day my rabbit died.

How I, as a parent, began reflecting on all YOU did as a parent–wondering often how you and dad actually handled with such grace what I now know to be incredibly stressful, confusing, even scary. And then I try to emulate that…the grace part .

How you built relationships with my girls long-distance. Letters. Cards. Packages. Stories stories stories. And how they both relished these, kept them, and now have them even though you are gone. Thank you for that.

How you knew EXACTLY what my brothers and I were creating in the sandbox–that hole we covered with a bit of paper then sprinkled with sand…and then invited you out to walk across our Treacherous Tiger Trap. You knew, because you watched us from out the kitchen window. But you never gave it away and the good sport you were had you walking tentatively across our Treacherous Tiger Trap…and “falling” in ever so safely. Boy did we think we had you! You really were such a good sport. And you gave us space to play without adult company or seemingly watchful eyes (and constant input). That space? Ever so valuable. Something I absolutely gave your granddaughters.

How you let me lick the cookie dough. Yum. My girls, too. Being up at the counter with you (and my girls with me) cooking and measuring and licking…I still enjoy all things baking! Your granddaughters are, by the way, excellent cooks. See how your influence rippled out?!

The birthday parties and wonderfully creative cakes you made for us! Oh how that was special. So special that I had fun over the years doing the same for my girls. And now they enjoy doing them for others. A legacy from you, for certain.

All the games you played with me when I was little and more recently with my girls, husband, and myself. Your spunk and resolve to learn new games as your memory began to fail..and laugh at yourself as you had to ask and ask again how to play. And card games! I can still see you at our kitchen table with little Becky or little Emily next to you, working hard at fanning out their cards and studying the numbers and colors…all while you sat with them fully present, giving them the time and encouragement they needed to work those rascally cards. Your joy and patience ruled.

How your love for and delight in children influenced me in profound ways. And continues to. My girls, too.

I think, one of the things I’m going to miss the most is sharing all the little and big things we both love about children–from babies’ toes to scrunched up noses to squatting down on chubby legs to study a ladybug to collections of all kinds of things to posters covering walls in bedrooms to the school events when we’d both notice the restless little boy in the back row or the little girl leaning over to whisper really loud to another to those wonderfully proud moments of things won/earned/discovered to you name it and I’m going to miss sharing these with you.

Mostly I just hope that, because of you, I continue to influence my girls and others in similar ways. The work I do is because of you. Maybe that is one of your most important legacies. Work with families to parent well, be lifted, feel empowered, and experience real JOY. And JOY is what you fill my heart with. How cool is that? May I do as you have done–spread JOY.

To all you mamas out there–today, pause and appreciate yourself and all you do–little or big–with your children. Know that you are influencing them in lifelong ways. Be intentional with what you do and how you do it. And always allow yourself a bit of grace for the hard and messy. Then maybe twinkles and light and JOY can step up and lead the way.

And what a difference that can make.

I miss you mom. I treasure all my memories and I am deeply grateful for YOU. I’m glad I’ve shared that with you over the years…

Alice

Choices Choices Choices–Help!

July 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

So you give your child choice A or B…and they choose C. Now what?

Because really, choice A or B were the ones that you REALLY wanted them to take to make it easy for you–besides being the “right” ones to choose…and darn it all, they choose C 🙂 .

You know–it is time to leave so you ask, “Are you going to put on your shoes all by yourself (choice A) or would you like my help (choice B)?” Reasonable choices and typically it is a slam dunk and out the door you go. But today, your child ignores you…runs away…picks up their shoes and throws them across the room (lots of choice C’s!).

You might find yourself heat up and tip over the edge and march your child firmly by the arm to make them do just what you want them to do.You might find yourself pleading over and over, hoping to avoid a meltdown and still get out the door in one piece (though definitely not on time).You may be frustrated because you understand choices are good and here you’ve given them what is good for their little independent selves…and it didn’t seem to work.

Consider this–your child chose C because it is their job.

Their job to practice being in charge of him or her self

as often as possible.

Their job to test you, to let you know THEIR preference, to state loud and clear “I am the boss of ME!” And your child is right. They ARE the boss of themselves, and as the boss, they get to ultimately decide what choice they will make. This is truly evidence of just the kind of self-directed, independent soul you (most of the time) want to grow.Someone who is in charge of themselves.

Okay, but you still need to get out the door. To continue to support your child in their quest to be independent it is important to respect their choice. How does this look and still get out the door–maybe on time?

Ideas for you:

“It looks like you aren’t ready to put your shoes on. I can see how mad you feel. Describe what you see and acknowledge feelings, always. It is time to go, and because it is too hard for you to choose I will choose for you.”

And maybe you then wrangle your child into your lap and wrestle their shoes on–calmly, matter-of-factly, communicating your respect that they chose otherwise, communicating clearly the result of their choice. And now your child has the opportunity to discover whether they LIKE the result of choice C…and because you are calm and matter-of-fact, it isn’t about YOU, it is about them and their choice. Truly an opportunity for learning and growth.

Or maybe it is fruitless to wrestle shoes on, for it takes just a swift kick and the shoes go flying off once again. So maybe the result of their choosing C is you pick them up in one arm, their shoes in another, and out the door you go. Ignoring the tantrum in the back seat about “I don’t WANT bare-feet!” again gives them the opportunity to decide if choice C really was something they liked. “You chose to not put on your shoes. You don’t like bare-feet, it makes you really upset. When we get to school, you can decide if you are going to put on your shoes by yourself or with my help.” Again, describe what you see and name the feelings. Now your child learns a bit more about what they are responsible for…all because you’ve respected their choice and responded calmly and matter-of-factly with what needs to happen.

Or maybe you can tell your child needs option D and you are okay with that.

“Hmmm…looks like you really want to keep playing with your marbles. We need to get shoes on and head out. You can bring your marbles with you, if you like–I’d really like to see the biggest one of all! Can you come show me while we put on your shoes?” And now you’ve respected their desires, flowed with their energy, and still pointed them in the direction necessary to go. They can feel in charge and you can feel grateful it worked.

Staying calm and matter-of-fact helps your child

discover whether or not he likes the result of the choice he made–now influencing him in such a way that the next time around he may be more likely to choose differently.

What does this require of us? Patience. Understanding. Humor! Consistency. Stamina. Creativity. The ability to PAUSE–essential for helping you find that calm place to respond, that calm place from which to be okay if meltdowns occur, if the house is left a disaster zone, if your car’s back seat looks like a junk pile as you throw everything in and get a move on.

Choice C. It really is okay. Breathe through it, honor it, and be clear on what you really want, for now you communicate respect for your child’s choice and encourage the growth of an independent soul. And still get out the door.

More about PAUSE for you right here: Use The Power of PAUSE

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Moments in the Day of a School-aged Child

July 16, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a school (elementary!) aged child:

Our sincere and present good-byes and hellos…

…as we send our child off to school and welcome them back home. No cell phone in hand, please. The joy of our little rituals–kisses, hugs, high-fives, eye twinkles, “Tell me about your day!”–leave our kids feeling loved, safe, and connected. A wonderful way to head into school ready to learn, out of school ready to re-connect.

Down time!

Instead of moving on to the next scheduled activity, it is the time to kick back, focus on what they feel like–building forts, getting lost in a book, playing with friends, creating an elaborate Lego structure, kickball outside, swinging high and long. Protecting this time and space is key for a child to grow well.

Playing with friends…

…whether with one or a group, elementary kids are all about friendships. Best Friends Forever, Secret Clubs, “You’re my friend because you like grape popsicles, too!” All those social skills you hope your child will figure out? Here is where they blossom…especially when we stay on the periphery, or out of it entirely. This is their time to discover how to be fair, kind, compassionate, accepting. Hurt feelings abound…and with our compassion and understanding, they can pick themselves back up and try again. Amazingly resilient!

Mealtime with the family…

…whether it is breakfast, lunch, or dinner, coming together with the whole family does more for building positive, healthy relationships then just about anything else. A time to hear their stories, to laugh, to learn good manners. A time to know for sure they belong somewhere. A time to know for sure they are safe, loved, cared for, respected…that mom or dad are truly interested in who they are becoming, what they are thinking about, what they like and don’t like. Respect. What an opportunity.

Games!

With friends or family, game playing absorbs our school-age kids. Board games, card games, pick-me-up kick ball, baseball, capture the flag games. Silly, made-up games, rhyming games, hopscotch, hide and seek, chase and tag. This is an essential part of learning and growing social skills, give and take, how to win or lose, cooperation, physical abilities, complex thinking skills…learning that truly stimulates the brain in amazing ways preparing them for the increasingly difficult academia they will be immersed in. No need for competitive/organized sports–just plenty of time to play non-adult directed (kid-directed!) games.

Our quiet company as they get hurt, feel left out, lose their best friend…

Our willingness to sit alongside them in their upset as they experience any kind of hurt, to show our respect for how they feel, give them our company and our compassion…this is essential for our children. And our willingness to let go of trying to fix it for them is equally key, for now we communicate our confidence in their ability to manage them selves; now they are just a bit stronger for the next round of uncomfortable feelings bound to happen.

Simple moments in the day of a school-age child…moments that are essential for us to provide, be present to, and protect. Know that with your attention to these you are giving your child just what she or he needs to be better able to grow strong, healthy, and well.

Go play a game today! Want to learn more about school-aged kids? Check out this: Elementary Kids!

Continue…

Important Moments in the Day of a Toddler

July 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a toddler…

…Filling, dumping, and filling (and dumping again!) just about anything. Your cupboard full of pans, all that laundry you so carefully folded and put in the laundry basket or actually got back into the drawer, the dirt in your garden or potted plant, the mushy peas one at a time into the cup of milk…and out again (uh-oh!). Filling and dumping and digging and pouring is important work…its math work…its understanding the world work.

…Routines! Bedtime, nap time, diaper time, bath time, story time, meal time, daycare time. The routines you stick to make a world of difference to a toddler. Those 3 books, 2 songs, and back rub for bedtime? The more you stick with it, the easier bedtime can be. Routines toddlers can count on help them feel safe in their world. Safe, secure, and now able to manage better all those LOUD feelings they may have about things. You, too

…Calm and consistent follow through on your part! Oh yes. Toddlers need to know what the rules are, the expectations, the framework. They need to know you are coming back after nap, that they ARE all done with lunch when food starts going other places other than their plate or mouth, that throwing blocks will be stopped, that you really will sing two songs like you said you would. What a difference this makes for them!

…Choices!! And only a few at a time (too many all at once is ever-so-overwhelming!). Like when they get to choose between the red and blue cup, or zipping their jacket or having you help them, or holding hands and march march marching or being picked up and carried. With choices, they feel empowered! In charge of themselves–something key for this age. Independent, oh yes. What a way to help our toddler grow their capable and competent selves.

…Saying NO! And delighting in all that means. And watching how we respond! Nononononononono may mean, “This is a fun word to say and I can say it easily!” to “Look at the attention I get when I say it..” to “NO. I don’t WANT that.” Our job? To keep our eyes twinkling. To be clear, calm, and consistent with what their choices are. To affirm feelings. To be gentle and light-hearted as much as possible. To let those “NO”s be the practice they really are–for your toddler to define his world in his way. Independence at its best.

…Opportunities to be in charge of themselves! We get to decide the food we serve them in bits and pieces, it is their job to work at eating it–messily, poking it, squishing it, mushing it around and spitting it out. We get to set up our home as best as possible for them to freely and safely explore in, they get to do the exploring–at their pace, with their ideas, with our quiet observation and affirmation of their work, feelings, struggles, success. We get to let them know it is time to change that diaper; they get to decide how it is changed (a wrestling match? With them holding everything? On the floor…bed…table…standing…lying down…with chase games in-between?)

…Goodbyes and hellos! What an important part of their life. They are working hard at understanding this disappearing act that happens, the concept of here and gone. Confusing, when we adults forget this and just leave. Or sweep them up with no warning to leave. Our intentional letting them know what to expect (those routines, again!), our consistent follow through of what we say, our respect for how they feel about it all (and still get it done, calmly…) is key for them to get a sense of order of it all.

Toddlers! What a time of expanding independence. What a time of incredible growth towards their capable, competent selves.

Our job? Practicing often our ability to PAUSE so we can be calm, clear, consistent in all we do with them. Including letting our eyes TWINKLE. And the Two’s become Terrific!

More toddler antics here: Toddlers! Totally Terrific

Alice

How would YOU feel?

July 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

How would YOU feel if…

…a shirt was suddenly and unexpectedly pulled over your head from behind?

…people around you talked about how you perform on the toilet?

…people kept poking you, tickling you, and getting their face right up in yours when you were totally engrossed in a complex thought process (such as learning something new, or immersed in a good mystery book…)?

…in the midst of relishing a fabulous dish of fettuccine a washcloth was swiped back and forth across your mouth? And maybe the plate even taken away?

…you were constantly interrupted as you tried to stay focused on complicated instructions for constructing an elaborate piece of equipment?

…you were told “you’re okay!” as you grieved over a lost loved one? Or, “it doesn’t hurt!” following an injury that will require multiple stitches?

…you were told you needed to eat more even when you felt full? Or that you were all done even when you were still hungry?

…someone unexpectedly swooped you up and moved you without warning?

…things were pushed into your mouth without consideration for whether you even wanted them in your mouth?

I’d venture to say you’d feel upset, frustrated, mad, startled, misunderstood, confused. And this is what we often do without hesitating when it comes to our babies and toddlers.

Respect. It is key and it begins at birth.

Let your little one know before you put her shirt on—“It’s time to put your shirt on over your head. Are you ready? (look for the eye contact, the smile, the wiggle in response…look for the arms coming up or the eyes squeezing tight in preparation…) Okay! Here it goes…o-v-e-r your head…”

Keep interruptions to a minimum or not at all when your baby is concentrating on reaching for and examining something or your toddler is working hard at putting the square block in the round hole. Need to interrupt? Move next to them and pause briefly as you watch them, then let them know softly–“You are really studying the way your rattle looks as you move it! It is time to…I’m going to pick you up and we can bring the rattle with us. Ready? Here we go!”

Ask before you wipe mouths--better yet, give your baby a wet washcloth and let them do it all on their own—“Time to get the sticky food off your mouth. Here’s the washcloth. Can you wipe up?” “I need to clean off your chin. Ready? (as you hold it up and show them…look for their response!) You ARE ready. Wipe-wipe-wipe…nice and gentle. All done! Thank you for helping.”

Warn your baby before you pick them up—“Daddy’s going to pick you up so we can go….” Pause briefly and wait until your baby responds (A wiggle? A smile? Arms up?). Or at least pause for this slows you down physically, allowing your baby to be ready, as well.

Ask first if they want their pacifier, or another bite, and respect their response—“Looks like you are all done.” And stay tuned in to whether your baby WANTS you to keep tickling, poking, being in their face. Babies are excellent at letting you know they need a break. You can be equally excellent at respecting this. “I can tell you are all done with our tickle game! I will stop now.”

Always, always honor and affirm feelings—no need to make them ‘all better’–more importantly, just be there to name, ask questions, comfort. Now your little one can begin to understand their feelings–the start to managing them as they grow. And helping US manage OURS as the struggles and feelings grow in intensity–ours and theirs–over the years

Respect. The groundwork is laid from the beginning. The respect you show and grow from day one becomes a way of life–and this pays off hugely come teen years.

Start right now and PAUSE before you act.

Keep respect at the forefront of your thoughts and your actions will follow. Know what feels respectful, be clear on nurturing respect, role model it constantly…and you may discover that parenting becomes easier.

And YES, you can begin today interacting with greater respect no matter the age of your child. Let PAUSE and calm connection lead the way. It speaks volumes.

It begins with you.

Want to know more about babies? Check out Important Moments in the Day of a Baby.

With respectful appreciation,

Alice

The NO with all eyes upon you…

July 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

Noticed and appreciated…

The Daddy at the airport attempting to go from point A to point B with a 2.5-year-old intending to STAY PUT at point A.

You know–jello legs, arched back, screaming…and Daddy trying to respectfully just hold her hand and walk. Impossible. Frustrating! Anger-producing at times. Definitely embarrassing out in public.

What did I appreciate? How he PAUSED.

Then how he looked down at his struggling child and just picked her up and moved on to point B. Matter-of-factly, staying quiet, allowing her to continue to arch and kick and scream. “Allowing” is really the wrong word, however. It wasn’t up to him whether she continued on with her upset…so no, he didn’t allow her to continue, he respected her need to do so and gave her the safe space in his arms to BE upset and still do what needed to be done–get to point B.

By the time they reached the seats where their family awaited, she had calmed...and (as only toddlers can) switched from very upset to totally happy 🙂

The daddy’s ability to be calm and matter-of-fact, to take charge in regards to where they needed to go and at the same time not try to make his daughter stop her tantrum spoke volumes to his toddler.

It gave her the secure space (his arms, even as she fought!) to get her mad out, feel accepted, manage herself, and move on. And Daddy had a moment of success–if he was embarrassed and irritated, he didn’t show it and he moved through it–role-modeling for his daughter how HE managed HIS feelings.

And then there was…

The 18-month-old toddler on a recent flight whose favorite word and comment on just about anything was, “No no no no no no no no no…”!!!!

A rather HAPPY “no.” I so appreciated how both his parents PAUSED, took his NOs in stride, never letting it phase them and often just saying, “Oh? You would rather NOT share the seat. Daddy is going to sit down, let’s make room…” Calmly affirming him and still moving forward with just what was expected. Their eye-twinkles, connection, and presence turned what could’ve been a real struggle into a relationship-building, wonderful learning experience.

I especially enjoyed standing in the galley alongside him and his Mama talking about IN the plane and then (as he pointed to the window) OUT of the plane. In and out, in and out, in and out we went, both with words and pointing. His total GLEE over a stranger engaging with him and enjoying HIS game kept a smile on my face all flight long. And then there was the “row row row your boat” song he and I sang that became, “fly fly fly the plane, swiftly across the sky?!” Oh, so much FUN. Delight and eye twinkles all over again.

What is important about both of these stories is the parents’ ability to PAUSE and be calm and fully present with their children

Exhausting, yes, especially while on a long plane ride. Yet the really cool thing? It is sure to set them up for future traveling to become more and more successful. Rather than succumbing in the moment to being embarrassed, exasperated, frustrated, just wanting their child to mind and behave and make the trip “easy”, they rolled up their sleeves, dug in with their patience and showed their little ones what traveling is all about, what is expected, how they can count on mom and dad to listen, understand, and guide them (all with little to no screens, by the way). These parents?

They used the plane trip as an opportunity for the rich learning experience it can be. And calm connection led the way.

Truly relationship-building. And eventually? This makes parenting easier. And it all unfolded atop a PAUSE.

Today, notice and appreciate the hard work you are doing to parent well, to pause, to build relationships, to grow healthy children. Let a PAUSE lead the way in all you do. It really can make all the difference in the world.

PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

For the goodness we CAN see in each other…

July 5, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships Comment

For the goodness we CAN see in each other:

“Won’t You Be My Neighbor” https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/fred-rogers-feels-hero-2018-needs-he-wanted-people-learn-ncna888706

Important. Deeply meaningful. Powerful. Delightful. Disturbing. And hopefully empowering to each of us.

Go see it. And no, it isn’t for children.

“(Mister Rogers) called us to see one another in our fullest humanity — to reach beyond the categories and divisions that estrange us from each other…”

“I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things, without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate. Peace that rises triumphant over war. And justice that proves more powerful than greed.” (Fred Rogers at Dartmouth commencement)

“Make goodness attractive again.” (Fred Rogers)

What we focus on grows. Let’s focus on goodness.

Respectfully,

Alice

Oh Those Favorite Stuffed Guys!

June 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

…The well loved and stuffed special guy tucked in a pocket of a bike trailer alongside the special guy’s little boy. Never leave home without it! Those special guys? Whether they are stuffed, a blanky, a plastic horse, a toy truck, they are important. I so appreciated how the mom pulling her son along the trails respected the importance of keeping her son’s special guy close.

Special guys provide the security and familiar that is often

necessary as little ones navigate their world.

This they can be in charge of. And often the special guys are the ‘lens’ through which they soak up experiences:

“My special guy is worried about being touched by the other kids” as you walk into preschool or daycare.

“Look at what my special guy and I can do on this jungle gym!” as together they manage the scary height they are scaling.

“My special guy is ALL DONE with his nap!”

And oh, the stories and memories that special guys bring through the years! My grown daughters both have their stuffed kitty and horse still with them…and we remember the time the horse spent a week in a restaurant, waiting patiently for us to return; the time kitty had to get washed…and the alligator tears shed while waiting; the time both went wheeeee down a snowy hill, encased in their plastic bag snowsuits!

Memories. They are the stories that provide continued moments of meaningful connection…. 🙂

…The parents with a young toddler and preschooler at a local sporting event. Their calm approach and presence to their children gave both kids a safe place to climb around on empty seats, feel heard and understood when a leg got pinched in a chair and tears fell, throw balls within the contained space dad provided.

The parents’ quiet presence to their children

gifted them lovely moments…

…such as the delight on their 16-month-old’s face as he recognized a favorite babysitter, their 3-year-old spontaneously sharing her cookie with her brother, the intent upon their faces as they studied the goings-on all around them. I noticed that the parents noticed these little moments, and I loved that. They didn’t miss a thing and the smiles they and my husband and I exchanged as we all soaked up these little moments were equally appreciated. More memories made as they stayed quietly present to their children…

…The 8-year-old both shy and eager to show two somewhat familiar adults her handstands, cartwheels, “Hot Cross Buns” on her wooden flute, “The Alaska Flag Song” on the piano. It was a joy to watch her sparkle, to hope we’ll pay attention (we did!), to see her parents give her the space to move with exuberance through their house…at times gently ‘containing’ her via snuggles on the couch.

Their ease with her exuberance communicated confidence in her

ability to control herself, to listen, to know that who she is and how she feels is A-Okay with them.

Without this ease, her exuberant self could have tipped the less desirable way and become the acting out that starts to push buttons. I so appreciated how instead they channeled it positively, gave her gentle reminders of the boundaries (“Give your brother space on the couch, please”; “Your tumbling can be done outside”), and then gave her the affirming attention as she chose just what they wanted to see more of.

What have you noticed, appreciated, or enjoyed of recent? What little moments put a smile on your face? How has your quiet presence influenced your children? Things to think about today…

Our Response Matters

June 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

When things get heated, testy, frustrating, maddening,

scary, grief-stricken…our response IS necessary.

HOW we respond is what matters.

Whether the heat happens in your living room, at work, in your community, during rush-hour, between your kids, you and your partner, co-workers, school board members, politicians and politics, anywhere and with/at anyone…

HOW we respond is what determines just what is learned, what kind of influence we are, whether productive and hopefully positive change occurs.

When we react–often loudly, aggressively, maddeningly, fearfully, trying to control and make and convince and stop–we tend to (and you probably see this often with your children!) stir up MORE of exactly what we are trying to stop, change, make feel safe, better, right.

Think about this. When we push back with often very similar behavior that our child (or whomever it is with) has just shown us–raised voices, rough handling, absolutes that are nearly impossible to carry through–our child either gets LOUDER, rougher, more upset, repeats over and over again the very same behavior and it just keeps escalating; or they–out of fear, often–comply. They are scared about OUR reaction and quickly do just whatever it is we are trying to get them to do.

Pretty relationship-depleting.

Nor very productive in the long-run, or the kind of positive influence we really want to be as we consider being the kind of resource and person we want our child to WANT to come back to. Especially when the going gets tough.

HOW we respond to any kind of conflict or challenge presented, no matter the “stage” (your living room, at work, on the road, in the community, country, world), will determine just what will be learned.

So…

PAUSE. Strengthen this muscle every chance you get.

PAUSE. Discover what works for YOU to calm all (or at least some of) the heat that is inside you.

Get CLEAR on just what you want the most, what you intend.

This includes thinking about what you value the most–qualities, strengths, beliefs. This includes what kind of influence YOU intend to be. This includes just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, what kind of community you want to live in…

Step back into the situation and RESPOND (rather than react) based on what you want the MOST.

And now your calm(er) and clear(er) self will more likely say words that have a meaningful and positive impact, your actions will support your words (Integrity–what you mean you say and will do. Essential for living well), and you will more likely be listened to, cooperated or collaborated with, and most definitely will be respected. Because you are being respectful.

Sounds like a lot to do, doesn’t it? Like something you really have NO time for. And yet, if we don’t start working on our ability to control ourselves and parent, live, lead from a truly authentic place–from inside-out, clear on building healthy relationships and communities, able to be the mature adult our children and world need, then things are going to ramp up and get ever harder.

Anxiety, fear, anger will grow. And our opportunities to get stronger at being calmer will not only increase, they will overwhelm. And it really is just “easier” to react. Though all that does is spiral it up even more.

So what does it all really mean or look like?

Instead of the desire and then reaction to get your child to quit hitting his brother….what you hopefully want the MOST is your child to learn how to problem solve, negotiate, work through conflict in productive ways. The desire to quit hitting is very real. The response needs to be based on learning to work through conflict in productive ways.

Instead of just getting out the door on time, period, and doing whatever it takes to get everyone out the door on time, what you hopefully want is a child who is learning how to manage THEIR time well, what it takes to be ready to roll, how their choices ripple out to impact the rest of their day…

Instead of rescuing a struggling child as they work on something difficult (whether it is a project, a Great Big Sad, challenging friendships, bullying, learning something new, taking responsibility for the results of a choice that wasn’t so wonderful…), what you want the MOST is a child able to manage the hard of the struggle. To know they can work through feelings productively, that they can count on your calm and safe presence to unload, that they can feel capable and competent as they figure things out. That mistakes are okay. Something to learn from instead of just fix.

That is what looking to what you want the MOST is all about.

Sometimes our response seems to be no response—because we have, following a PAUSE, calmed ourselves down enough that we wait. We watch. We listen. And often discover because of our calm, observant, quiet self we are providing LESS attention to the very less-than-desirable behavior…and that behavior? It now lessens. Changes. Shifts all on its own–or seemingly so. When our response is an intentional “no” response our respectful, quiet, watchful and waiting selves have just influenced another in a positive and productive way.

Sometimes our response is quick, firm, and done with your full and respectful presence as you stop your child or another from hurting or being hurt. Those are those immediate safety concerns…and when done with the Gentle Firmness that our quick and immediate response is when from a strengthened PAUSE muscle, it stays relationship-building. Even as anxiety, fear, and the LOUD of upset take over.

HOW we respond determines what is learned…

…and it is in the HOW that can be what is essential for growing more of the good, strong, productive, relationship-building, appreciative, even positive that we want for our children, our relationships, our communities, our world.

What we focus on grows.

This testy, LOUD, reactivity? It really is way more about each of us–something we can control. Today, tomorrow, forever–work at putting your attention first within yourself and getting calm and clear. Then make your response be in the good, kind, productive, appreciative, honest, collaborative, cooperative, relationship-BUILDING direction.

Respond with calm, clear, honest intention. What a world of difference this can make.

It matters.

To help you along: It’s HARD to PAUSE

Or: How Many Times Do I Need To Tell You?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice Hanscam
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

No No NO! I said NO!

June 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“No no!”
“I said NO.”
“Stop that!”

“Come here to mama right now.”

“I said, come here!”

Then maybe the Arm Grab or Yank.
Or the Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.
Definitely the “ARGH! You didn’t LISTEN.”

Sound familiar?

Toddlers. Oh so trying, testing, totally terrific, too

(Preschoolers, too. Or maybe elementary. Definitely teens…and really, as you read this, know that if you have an older-than-toddler-child, it is still much the same…with tweaks, of course…)

Their job?

To be increasingly in charge of themselves (Think: future independent young adult).

To try things on for size–over and over and over again.

To see–truly SEE–if they can count on YOU to act upon what you say–and hopefully the first time.

To ask of us to be clear about what it is we want–and if we aren’t, they’ll just test us once again…to try to be SURE of what we want…

And boy, does this often get a rise out of us. Just BEHAVE. Do what I say and without a fuss (hopefully without a fuss! Which is why we say NO and STOP and Come here over and over again, hoping to avoid that fuss, because it just requires even MORE time and it can be so darn embarrassing).

Hence the repeating we do. The ARGH and Arm Yank or Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.

DISCLAIMER: Never do I recommend these EVER (except for the ARGH!).

And it begins to ramp up. We wonder why they KEEP testing us…why these often adorable, delightful, joyful little ones look us in the eye and hit or bite or ignore us once again.

Here’s the deal. These toddlers? They need us to be calm.

Consistent. Clear.

They need us to communicate with OUR words just what it is we want. They need us to show them–patiently and often–just what it is we are wanting them to do and learn and how to BE. That Arm Yank? Hand Slap? Bottom Swat? All they really teach is that it is okay to yank, slap, swat–not something we want our child doing to another, not something we should ever do.

All they really teach is that Mama or Papa do THIS when I do THAT. Not very effective for really helping a little one learn about their world or themselves. All it really does is turn their impish selves ON even more and test, act up, push your buttons–probably not what you intend to have happen!

A few ideas for you as you work on guiding your toddler in positive, productive, and healthy ways:

Describe what you see, first: “You are busy pulling all the clothes out of the drawer!” (this, after you spent all day just trying to get the laundry put away!).” Then you head over next to your toddler who is wonderfully practicing just the opposite of what she saw you doing as you put laundry away and say, “Mama just finished getting all these shirts and socks IN to the drawer! Can you plunk them back in with me? One, two, three…in they go.”

And as your toddler looks at you with that impish twinkle and runs away in circles to just come back and take armfuls back OUT of the drawer? Instead of the “NO” or the Arm Yank, Hand Slap or the Bottom Swat followed by the “I told you to stop!” try:

“It’s too hard for you to keep the clothes where they belong right now. I’m going to scoop them up and put them away.” And you can physically insert your body between drawers and toddler as you (cheerfully–or as cheerfully as possible…or maybe not cheerfully at all…) dump the clothes back in (to be folded once again at a later date–maybe), then turn to your tot and say, “Up you go and let’s check on kitty…or something outside…or a book…or…”

Now you’ve followed through with what you’ve said–that the clothes belong in the drawer. You’ve given a choice for them to join in with you—and keeping it light-hearted you are staying connected in a way that speaks loudly to a young child. You’ve stopped them without punishment and instead helped them through one of their testing moments (remember, testing is really all about US–whether we can pass their test by being calm and consistent and clear). Now they can learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Now you’ve just stepped in as the GUIDE they need…

…rather than the rather harried disciplinarian who is really more concerned about control and losing control…Okay. So what about the more extreme moments? Hitting, biting, BIG tears/screams–-the same thing goes for these.

Stop the hurting behavior with, “I will stop you from hitting/biting me, it HURTS.”

Then affirm feelings involved/describe what you see, “You are really frustrated because you’d like me to play with you and I’m so busy talking to papa.”

Offer up what it is you WANT–-and how they can participate in that: “It’s so hard to wait when I’m busy, isn’t it? Would you like me to pick you up while you wait for Papa and me to be done?”

And maybe it is about pausing in your conversation with your spouse and giving your full attention to your tot as you work at settling them down…picking them up, talking a bit…and THEN: “Papa and I need to finish talking now. Do you want me to keep holding you, or are you ready to get down and find a book to look at while you wait?”

With LESS attention on the “mis” behavior and much more on how you’d like them to move through upsetting times, you will discover real growth to occur (after you repeat a million times…!)

THIS is guiding at its best. Which means, in the long run,

a “disciplined” child–someone who CAN manage themselves, who knows what to do and how to be, who will more likely listen and respond and cooperate or collaborate.

It takes time. It takes PAUSE. It takes deep breathing, encouraging self talk, the ability to let go and step alongside and be fully present. It is hard.

And yet, it is even harder when we don’t do this–for all the yuck ramps up and as your child gets older it gets WAY more difficult. So today, when you find yourself talking across the room to your toddler trying to get them to STOP, COME, do it differently,

PAUSE, first. Consider what words to use to help your child know clearly what it is you WANT–instead of what you don’t want. Then go to them and show them.

It will pay dividends. Huge ones. And it will, most definitely, make your job easier. Really!

If you’ve enjoyed this article, here is another about toddlers: Toddlers! Totally Terrific…

And another about all-things-NO! can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Our Children NEED Us

June 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Warning–I’m stepping up on a soap box, here–and would like to make room for you to stand beside me. (If you are a parent of a baby, this absolutely pertains to you, as well…this is where it all begins and can be changed).

It is past time to get serious.

I, and many, many others (professionals and parents alike) are hearing how incredibly HARD and overwhelming and confusing all things SCREENS has become.

We are caught between “My kids are growing up in this tech world and have to learn how to live and work in it–hence, I’m going to let him have access to all things digital”…

To…

“I just don’t know what to DO. My child won’t listen, come to the table, stop playing on his device, is often testy and even angry, and I just feel LOST in how to GET HIM TO STOP”

To…

“I’m very, very frightened.”

This, from many, MANY parents of teens (12 on up) who are depressed, anxious, suicidal. Who are addicted, lost, shut out of the family, unable to connect with others, irritable at best, suicidal at worst. The numbers have gone rocketing skyward this past decade…just as our digital device and screen use has, as well. Lots of research on this one.

This is our culture and lives as we immerse ourselves ever deeper into digital devices. We have bought into what all the makers of all things digital are feeding us. That we NEED this. And yet, not only are they the ones keeping their own children away from them, they are also the ones saying they develop these in such a way to BE addicting. That way we do need them. And we spend our money, immerse ourselves deeper, and then our need becomes addiction. Many of us have felt this pull.

Many of us have gone down the rabbit hole all the way to anxiety and depression. Maybe you, reading this right now, realize you are one. I know I’ve been there.

We are losing our kids to all of this, too.

And many of our schools (even as teachers are expressing real concern and discontent over this) are buying into it fully. Screens are all the way down into Kindergarten, and many preschools as well. Families are handing their infants and toddlers their phone to play on…an iPad to sit in front of…remember that iPotty that was marketed for awhile? Scary.

Middle and High schools are wanting kids to bring in their smart phones–ostensibly for using as part of their classroom work–and yet, what do we know about this age group? Far more interested in peers…and this takes them to social media, porn, all things centered around what matters most to them–friends and sex and independence (from us).

**What is considered best practices when it comes to teaching?**

Research for decades has shown “hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences” to be. Not sitting in front of screens at length. (And yes, screen use within a rich and diverse curriculum is an entirely different story yet a seldom heard one–probably because they become the emphasis rather than just a part).

What to do?

ASK your schools HOW they know screens are the way children learn best. Find out what they’ve noticed as a result of incorporating screens. Talk to the teachers (many of whom are equally concerned and frustrated). Ask them to SHOW you the research they are basing all this on. There is plenty of research to show otherwise.

ASK yourself how YOUR use of your phone or other devices is truly helping you build connected, respectful relationships with your children. Oh heck–with your SELF.

ASK yourself just what you want the most as you think to the future with your children–what kind of family life, what kind of relationships, what kind of LEARNER do you want to send out into the world? Then think about right now. What are you doing to support just what you hope for. What MORE can you do? And how much of it is about managing your own screen time so your children can learn to manage theirs?

ASK yourself what you need for yourself that you can stand strong and clear in saying NO to your child begging for a smart phone. NO to “but everyone else is doing it, mom!” NO to distracted interactions. NO to “just one more text, post, movie, You Tube, video game…”

Our children need us.

To feel empowered to stand for what, in our gut, we know is right and good and all things growth oriented.

To go to the teachers, schools, administrators, and any one else you can and tell them NO to all things screens in your schools.

To educate yourself on just what best practices and developmentally appropriate means for each age and stage.

To stand for the kind of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based learning environments kids do best in.

To go to EACH OTHER and support, encourage, talk. It’s going to take a serious village to get a handle on our screen use so we CAN grow in healthy ways. We need each other.

It’s going to take a village to stand up to the makers of all things tech/digital/screen and say NO we don’t NEED this in order to live and be well. That designing things in such a way they become addicting is NEVER okay.

We have to work hard at swinging our culture towards healthy living, relating, growing, thriving. It is going to take YOU. Starting today and becoming clear and intentional about what is important for you and your family. And then being the parent and standing for it. Strongly.

No matter how your child or others react–stand strong, clear, certain in your intent to grow healthy everything in your family.

There is plenty of help for you. There are plenty of others walking your path. Join them. Be vocal. Share your own struggles. Come up with small steps towards balance with all things screens.

Want to explore more? Check out the Children’s Screen Time Network. Check out the link to their conference. Lots of info waiting for you there. Check out their resources. Amazing. Take a look at an article I wrote We Need to KNOW and Say NO

Let’s get the conversation and then the action going. Share right here, share on my Facebook page. Share your questions, concerns, what IS working.

Let’s help everyone become more aware and educated on what is happening, with the hope being all of you just starting out on your parenting journey will begin today, with your baby, to choose actions that strengthen connection, respect, healthy growth and development.

Okay. I’m stepping to the side of my soap box. Making room for YOU to stand alongside me.

Our children need us.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Continue…

So much learning!

June 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

The 11-month-old who has been shown since early on how to use “one finger touches” when touching flowers, fragile instruments, and other special things–his ability to do just this, use one finger, is a delight to see. And it can bring incredible ease to so many of their daily adventures with so much learning happening through-out.

The respectful approach by his mama and papa

to talk to him and show him just what he CAN do is paying off with a little guy easy to go through the day with. A joy!

The college-aged young woman who delighted in the connection she felt with a young man as she talked with him en-route to class. Someone she sees and talks to often…and now, as she so genuinely shared with her mom, she could “feel” and “see” the twinkling of eyes between the two of them . I’m appreciating her willingness and desire to share with her mother–to share the joy over the moment!

The barefoot 15-month-old pushing the child-sized grocery cart through the store, one little step at a time, concentrating ever so hard. I especially enjoyed how he’d pause, choose something from the shelf that his mama pointed out, and plunked it into his cart–grinning from ear to ear as his mama gently encouraged him along.

The willingness of mama to take the time to let her little guy do what is important work for a one-year-old I totally appreciated…and it certainly put a smile on my face!

The 15-month-old foster child (new to his foster family’s home) who went from chasing and grabbing the kitty’s tail and hitting her to using gentle pats–all within a few days of LOTS of patient role-modeling.

The calm, consistent, and

connected approach of the entire family paid off.

The cat? Instead of running to hide, he now purrs and rubs up next to the little guy–the trust that most of the time gentle hands will be used is obvious.

The 3 elementary-aged children trailing alongside their mother in the grocery store...all 3 engaged with the process, mom giving them things to collect and choose, conversation over what fruit to buy and how to choose the freshest vegetables. What a gift to these children! Mom’s full presence, the work shared, food buying learned about, choices and ideas respected. All in a short afternoon of grocery shopping.

So much learning…

So many eye-twinkling and delightful moments

seen as I move through my days. So many relationship building moments witnessed…

Take time today to look around and actively appreciate…notice…and look to what brings a smile to your face and a bit of joy to your day! What we focus on grows…

Here’s another “Noticed and Appreciated” for you: The Simple Pleasures

Make it great today!

Alice

I. Not. DONE!

June 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“I. Not. Done. Talking. Daddy!”

“Oh? You aren’t finished talking to the museum clerk. How much time do you need?”

Pause…considering…

“Two. Minutes!”

And on the three-year-old boy went describing at length his visit to the restroom with the rhythm that captivated all who listened from nearby:

“I. Flushed. Toilet. WHOOSH (hands fluttering to demonstrate). Then. I. Dry. Hands (rub rub rub went his hands to show). SHHHHHHZZZZZ The. Dryer. Said. All. By. My. Self.” Eyes a-glow.

Serious and intent on communicating exactly his experience to the focused and present museum gift shop clerk. Eyes twinkling on the other adults captivated by the exchange. Daddy standing near, respectfully giving his son the time and space to take charge of himself. As the conversation seemed to wrap up:

“Two minutes are done, now, son. It is time to leave.”

“I. NOT. DONE. I. Need. FOUR. Minutes!”

I so loved the respect given to the boy’s very serious exchange with this woman. Bathroom experiences are serious business for this age and the fact that no one laughed, everyone involved was engaged and as intent as the boy spoke volumes to this child. You could see his little self swell with confidence, his focus on communicating never wavering, his full body engagement as he demonstrated all the steps along the way.

And did he get FOUR minutes? No.

His father gently extracted him with good-byes being said by all–this little boy could count on his dad to keep his promise of two minutes. Truly a lovely exchange in the middle of a museum gift shop amidst a rush of tourists. I appreciated the clerk’s ability to PAUSE in her busy day to authentically listen to what was very important for this boy, the dad’s ability to patiently wait and respectfully let his son do it his way, the gentle boundaries given and followed through on.

What a little moment in the midst of many that means more than any of us can really know. It is these little moments that add up to meaningful experiences, real and meaningful growth, really cool things. It took only minutes out of the dad’s day to pause and give space to his son. It spoke volumes to his son. Add these little moments up and the impact–well, it is huge.

Just think of the step closer dad just took for having a son who can manage himself well. Just think of the promise kept of 2-minutes and even with disappointment expressed, was gently followed through on. Just think of the respect that was role-modeled…and now more likely to be returned by Mister 3. Just think of how he may now listen that much more carefully when necessary because HE was listened to. Just think. So MUCH and in just a few moments.

Honor the little moments today. Know that as you PAUSE, slow down a bit, and take a moment to really look at your child, to really watch what they do and listen to what they say, you are depositing into the growth of a fantastic human being. These moments add up. See how many you can do today…and notice what is different as a result–for you, for your child.

I think you will like how it feels. I KNOW your child will.

Here’s to beginning your day with a PAUSE.

Alice

Babies! Capable and Competent from Birth

May 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Babies! Such amazingly capable little souls. They are, in essence, SPECTACULAR!

And it is easy to think our job is to do it all for them and to them–they are teeny, tiny and seemingly ever so helpless. Yet truly they are capable and competent from day one in their own ever increasingly amazing ways. When we look for and recognize this we are truly more able to build a strong foundation for all their healthy growth; we are depositing in little and magnificent ways into the respectful relationship we intend to have.

Did you know babies can:

~ Self-regulate when it comes to feeding? They know, all on their own, whether they are hungry, and when theyʼve had enough. Our job is to respect that.

~ Communicate with clarity when they are uncomfortable. Our job? To ask them what they need, talk them through the solutions, “Are you feeling sleepy? Is it time for your nap? Letʼs go get you ready…” “I can tell you don’t like a wet diaper. Let’s get you changed.”

~ Respond to “Are you ready?” as you prepare to change diapers, wipe faces, pull on clothing—let them know what you need to do, respectfully ask if they are ready, wait a moment, then follow through—and you will discover their active participation in whatever it is. You may be surprised!

~ Clearly let us know when theyʼve had enough of our well-meaning interactions—they turn their heads—and when that doesnʼt work, they may close their eyes, cry, or fall asleep. Our job? Watch…and allow them the opportunity to turn away and decide when they are ready to re-engage. By doing so they wonʼt need to cry or fall asleep to protect themselves from being overwhelmed. Baseline for growing respect. Baseline for growing a child who can be self-directed, tuned into their own feelings, truly KNOW themselves.

~ Hold conversations with you as you respect the give and take—talking, waiting, responding. Captivating! Some of my favorite times with a baby…

~ Move their bodies in just the right ways to develop well. Our job? To provide them with lots of floor time and out-of-containers time to move freely on their own. To roll to their tummy when they can do it on their own, pull themselves up on furniture, push themselves to a sitting position, kick, stretch, reach, grasp, chew—this is their job and they do it well.

~ Know the meaning of many, many words as you tell them stories, sing to them, show them their world—truly creating the foundation of language that is baseline for all their learning. It can be wonderfully surprising when your 9-month-old can point out a chickadee as different from a robin…

What do you notice about your infant that surprises you? What can you do differently as you see him as the capable little soul he already is?

Want to know more about babies? You may like this: How Would YOU Feel…?

Or this: Important Moments in the Day of a Baby

With joy and appreciation,

Alice

Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Preschoolers! Hang on for the ride…

May 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Threes, fours, and fives—WOW!

Hang on to your hat, you are in for a ride! Everything over-the-top, LOUD, fast, bigger- better- stronger. Exuberance to the max. As well as SHY to an extreme…

The growth in these years is astounding and due to this we are often caught trying to catch up with just how capable and competent they are–and if you are having an experience like I did, that “catching up” takes…months, sometimes!

Preschoolers can:

~ Use their imagination and truly pretend. Our job? To give them plenty of lengthy times to play without our direction. Just play—this ability to imagine and create needs time and space to nurture and is essential for optimal brain growth and all future learning. This means with OUT screens…and WITH lots of wonderful open-ended items to play with such as blocks, hats, dirt and sticks and buckets, art supplies, playdough, Band Aids, boxes, and time. Time with no agenda; time to think their own thoughts and try on their own ideas…

~ Express themselves loudly and exuberantly! Rather like a volcano exploding at times (quite often). Giving them the space and opportunity to be loud and exuberant respects this energy in them; steering them gently towards appropriate expression is our job. “I can see you are really, really mad. Letʼs stomp our feet extra hard down the hall and get your mad out!” “Quiet voices are for the library. I can see you really want to use your loud voice. Letʼs head outside and you can be as loud as you want.” Or…”You are really upset. I will stop you from hurting me. I think it is time we took a break so you can calm down…” And show them just what taking a break means.

~ Share! Watch this emerge from turn taking to really playing with another, freely trading back and forth and imagining together. Is it a bit reactive at times? You bet—necessarily so. Sharing comes with feelings of disappointment, frustration, patience, joy. Notice it, affirm it, and do your best to stay out of it. Preschoolers are quite good at figuring things out when adults stay on the sidelines instead of in the mix, “Looks like you both are wanting to use the truck. What can you do about that?”

~ Take care of their bodyʼs needs quite well, from toileting to bathing to eating. Give them lots of opportunity to wash themselves (and do your best to let go of perfection), choose and prepare their own snacks, decide how much of their meal they want to eat until they feel done. Our job? Ask questions such as, “Would you like help in the bathroom? Let me know if you do.” “You feel full? Okay. Iʼll save your plate in case you change your mind later.”

~ Cook, clean, create. Include them often in meal preparation—show them the recipe, let them measure things, help them stir things in the frying pan; include them in chores—they like to feel a part of what makes a family and home work. Let them fold, mop, sweep, vacuum, sort, scrub. Show them how to work with tools—hammers and nails, screwdrivers, paint—real and meaningful work. Always.

Preschoolers need our calm, consistent, caring interactions; our affirmation and naming of their BIG feelings; our focus on and celebration of their abilities rather than the results of their attempts.

Be amazed by your preschooler! Up the ante on choices and opportunities to be in charge of themselves and watch the magic that can unfold…

Now your child can feel more in charge of his or her self and respected and encouraged by you-and truly empowered!

From this place of empowerment you will discover your job gets easier, your relationship more joyful, family life richer. And now, no matter the ride, you will discover the delight in all things preschooler…even as your buttons are pushed YOUR sense of humor will lead the way a bit more…really!

Celebrate your childʼs abilities today!

With joy and appreciation,

Alice

Elementary Kids!

May 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Elementary kids! Busy, busy, busy. You AND them!

Their world opens up and their capable, competent selves settle into a wonderful rhythm.

Your elementary child is ready to:

~ Conquer all forms of game playing! Board games, playground games, made up games. Expect hotly contested ideas, notice how lots of energy is put into the forming of a game or team…and at times never actually played! Your child is taking hold of and getting better at problem solving, creativity, negotiations, understanding and building friendships. Our job? To be sure and give them the time and space and freedom to get immersed in all forms of games (child-led especially in the earlier years…formal team opportunities later…)

~ Manage their schoolwork. This capability builds through elementary years–and is fostered by having an environment conducive to homework and parents able to balance helping and stepping back. Kids want to take ownership of their work and show how capable they can be! Mistakes and all. Our job? To provide the space and time and SNACKS to do the work, be available when help is asked for, encourage and ask questions…and create the healthy balance that at times homework interrupts and displaces…

~ Make mistakes and struggle. No need to fix or rescue! Just be there to walk through the tough experience with them respectfully and with your confidence in them—and watch their capable, competent selves expand in amazing ways. Do so in these years and you help them build the ‘muscle’ necessary for success with harder struggles later. And your muscle at stepping back and walking alongside grows stronger—just in time for the teen years

~ Explore a wide variety of interests at their own pace. A truly industrious period—able to take an idea, formulate a plan of action, and follow through, whether building forts, collecting favorite items, doing a school project, a play they create with a friend. Crafts and games are favorites and exemplify just what they are growing their competence in—independent, creative thought and action.

~ Build real and lasting friendships. Learning what makes a good friend includes hurt feelings, disappointment, feeling left out…as well as joy, energy, amazing ideas. Sad parts grow compassion and empathy; joyful parts help a child identify what it is they really like in a friendship. Our job? Allow all experiences, for they help grow an individual ready to be a truly great friend to others. And keep our problem solving selves on the side line so feelings really can be respected, felt, figured out

Enjoy them, for in the blink of an eye they will be teens and then adults and off on their own adventures…hopefully still wanting to join YOU in a game or adventure!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

It’s HARD to PAUSE

May 2, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

It’s hard, you know. To PAUSE.

To respond calmly rather than explode or grit our teeth extra hard with a scowl on our face as we, yet again, try to “straighten out” our kids’ behavior.

It’s hard. Sometimes downright impossible.

Yet consider this–what we want is for our children to control themselves—isn’t that why we try ever so hard to get them to STOP, to choose differently, to say the right things, feel the right way…to finally LISTEN to us and all of our wisdom? “Please, just control yourself for heaven’s sake!” And yet, we say and want this while we often demonstrate just the opposite…

If we want them to (ultimately) control themselves then we have to control OUR selves.

It really can be rather unsettling to realize your 18-month-old can leave you feeling entirely OUT of control. It makes way more sense when it is your 16-year-old who does. Either way, this button pushing behavior is way more about us then them.

It is a continual opportunity to focus first on OUR selves so we can pull ourselves together (even a semblance of “together” can make a real and positive difference). To breathe. To encourage ourselves. To get a bit of physical space for just a moment. To pause and dig deep for a bit of calm.

Because then–THEN we can step back in with a bit clearer of an intention, a bit more self-control, a bit more CALM. And yes, “acting-as-if” is totally okay, for what we focus on grows

And when we can do this (even just some of the time) we are now in a position to positively influence our children.

NOW they can feel a bit safer and more secure because their number one person in life (yes, even for a teen who acts as if you are absolutely NOT number one any more…) can keep it together NO MATTER what they decide to do.

Now they can count on you. What an amazing feeling that is for any one who is struggling–that they can count on another no matter what.

Trust. Respect. Connection. All of this occurs–even if the behavior is STILL testy, reactive, button pushing. Just think, for a child who is working hard to manage something difficult, to have their special adult stay calm, connected, gently firm, there and present–wow. What a feeling.

What a way to help a child work through what they are struggling with.

And it really does all begin with us taking control of ourselves, our feelings, our behavior. Something, by the way, we CAN control…unlike our often futile attempts at controlling our child

PAUSE today.

Take the moment you need and find some semblance of calm inside you–even if all it is is to say to yourself “I’m looking for calm!” as you continue to seethe. Now go respond to your child and all that is stirring things up. Notice what is different. Because something will be. Whether it is a less intense situation, a child who actually surprises you with a better choice or quicker resolution, or that YOU emerge from all this reactivity still feeling pretty okay. Steadier. Less churned up. Notice and then appreciate the iota of difference it made. In time, it all adds up. And it makes a real difference.

A relationship building, positive influence difference. Keep at it.

What we focus on grows.

Need help? Check out each of my books.

Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

The Emotional Toll of the Physical Effort

April 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

The emotional toll of the physical effort.

Let that sink in a bit. If you’ve ever “crutched” around with an injured foot or leg, or due to recovery from surgery and the inability to use part of your body, then you know the physical effort to do ANY thing is huge.

It is the emotional toll that is so surprising. How grumpiness, depression, tears, just feeling DONE sneaks up and grabs you. How incredibly draining it can be to do just a simple task or how frustrating it can be to take so long to do something seemingly “quick.”

A lot like parenting.

What a huge physical effort–especially in the early years–parenting is. Perpetual motion on the children’s part. Constant work at keeping kids safe, houses put together, schedules maintained, relationships deposited into, negotiations attended to, lack of sleep, lack of showers, running to catch the teetering child on the edge, multi-tasking to the Nth degree as you cook, clean, re-direct, communicate, rescue, play with, wash, throw up your arms in exasperation, pry the cat’s fur out from the death grip of your child’s hands (or maybe pry the brother out from under the other brother), attempt to get to work on time and come home with some semblance of sanity in place to manage the evening that is bound to be chaotic…

Physically parenting is exhausting. And then the emotional toll hits. And climbs. And erupts. We yell. We cry. We feel like lousy parents. We put our selves down constantly with “Why can’t I…if only I…It’s all because of me…” And then the guilt…oh, the guilt!

Talk about an emotional toll. Talk about depleting ourselves even further with the negative and unproductive self-talk that takes over in our heads.

It is time for self-care.

It is time to breathe, to pause, to show yourself the care and compassion you so continually and generously give to your family. It is time to recognize the emotional toll, allow it in, and use it as the gift it can be–to take care of YOU. Or at least to think about the self-care that would feel good if you had the time! That counts, you know–just thinking about it.

It is time to recognize the negative self-talk and switch it up. Not necessarily to the positive, but definitely to the appreciative. And YES, that can be two entirely different things…because you know what? Finding the positives when you are feeling so low often feels impossible. Finding what you can appreciate–even if it is just your attempt at moving forward an iota–is always possible. And empowering.

Here’s what I learned following surgery a while back and immersed in “crutching”and realizing the emotional toll of the physical effort AND remembering how like parenting this can be:

I allowed myself to cry.

I got a bit better at letting my husband know from the get go of the day that I’m starting out sorta down and tired and done.

I gave myself grace as I actively could not switch up my self-talk…but could sit with the idea of wanting to and then wait and watch and end up appreciating what comes my way.

I got better at letting go of cleaning and cooking and all things house–allowing myself a bit more ease. And mess. That mess? It really is okay. And is rarely permanent. Really. There will be a time when a tidier house is a reality. Maybe…

I was reminded that, as I do this, the drag of the emotional toll actually lightens. I can smile. I can appreciate my husband’s sideways look at me knowing he is wondering if he has a basket case on his hands or not :-). I find I notice little things that put a twinkle in my eye or relax me a tad. Like all the birds that are actively taking over our yard, or listening to the neighbor kids tap dance on their back deck. I rediscover a sense of humor (this I know my husband is grateful for!). I reach out to friends and end up sharing and then laughing. I look forward to a certain 9-month-old I get to spend time with…even if I’m just sitting and watching him.

And I begin to feel lifted and lighter and that emotional toll? It dissipates.

You can do this, too. Even in the midst of perpetual motion, chaos, and the mess living with children can be.

Let the emotional toll be your chance to PAUSE, however briefly, and breathe, cry if necessary, acknowledge and appreciate how deeply you feel and care and actively love your family. If you can, take time to do something no matter how small or short, that feels good to YOU. Maybe you can…

…reach down and scratch you kitty or dog’s ears for a bit 🙂

…make a cup of tea using your favorite mug (if you actually get to drink it, it’s a bonus!)

…close your eyes in the car as you sit in the driveway for a moment.

…let go of dinner and pour a bowl of cereal instead.

…stand an extra minute in your hot shower just because you can (a locked bathroom door always an option…).

…plop yourself on the floor in the midst of the MESS and CHAOS and just, well, plop. Maybe stretch out a bit–and beware, for that might invite a dog pile on top of you…maybe actually making you smile a bit :-).

…decide the piles of toys and kid things spread from here to there is really just evidence of a day spent well–creating, imagining, exploring. Something you can appreciate! Now maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel a bit more energy as you gather up the mess and put things away. Or decide to leave it for tomorrow…

The emotional toll of the physical effort. It is okay. Allow it, honor it, use it to refocus on yourself. You deserve this! Let appreciation lead the way.

What a gift to your children, to all your relationships.

Take care of you today,

Alice

Save Your “NO!”

April 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

When we save our NOs for times of absolute necessity, our children are much more likely to listen and behave.

My mom showed me that. Save your NO. So now what? If you follow me, then you know what I’m going to say next...What we focus on grows

Here’s the deal–if we are so busy saying NO every time our child is choosing to do something we’d really rather them not do…if we are caught up in the “don’t don’t don’t”s , if we try to rely on our “no no no!” on a regular basis, then what happens is our children stop listening to us…

…and when a safety issue arises and NO is an absolute, this can become truly problematic. Not to mention the lack of respect, listening, positive growth that is missed as our “NOs” take over.

So back to what do you do? You save your NO and instead PAUSE. Consider just what it is you DO want and speak to this. Let your child know what the YES is.

Ideas for you:

Instead of “NO you can’t have your candy before lunch!”, try “Yum, your candy is good, isn’t it? After lunch you can pick a piece to eat if you like.”

Instead of “NO, don’t throw your toy cars! Quit it!”, try “Toy cars are for driving along the floor as fast as they can! These balls are perfect for throwing…”

Instead of “NO, absolutely not, you can’t spend the night at Molly’s house!” try, “You and Molly had ideas for a slumber party. When you are 8-years-old you can do sleep-overs. I wonder if having a play-date all day long might be an idea?”

Instead of “No no no! Enough with the video games! Go outside NOW!” try, “Man, you are having fun! Your 30 minutes is up playing video games. Can you find a stopping point, please? Then we can get ready to head outside for our hike…”

Instead of NO, look to what the YES is and share that.

The cool thing? The more it is a YES, or a “here is what you CAN do”, the more a child feels heard…able to grow their competent and capable self a bit more…be focused on behavior that is preferred…have their attention on possibilities rather than limitations.

And when your child STILL refuses to go in the direction you are attempting to gently guide them towards…when they persist with exactly what you don’t want? The YES in all that is your calm, consistent follow through:

“You are having a hard time driving your cars fast on the floor. You really want to throw them. I’m worried they will hurt something or someone. Up they go to the counter. After a while you can try again.” And you calmly follow through…working hard at being okay with the big feelings sure to express themselves. Allowing those feelings!

“You are really, really disappointed that you can’t have a slumber party with Molly. I know you are upset with me. I understand. I’d be mad at my mom, too, if I couldn’t have the kind of fun I wanted.” And you sit in it and let those upset feelings pour out until your daughter is ready to be receptive to other ideas…or not . Time always helps…

And all of this? It, over time and with your ability to be intentional with just what you say and then do, grows a child who can manage themselves well, feel respected and then BE respectful, listen, cooperate, discuss, figure out just what they like and don’t like and what to do about that.

They can feel capable, competent, in charge of themselves.

And when NO is an absolute, it is now way more likely to be heard and respected.

How cool is that? My Momism from G’mom. If you like this, you may like my No No NO! article…:-)

Thank you, mom, for the very real difference you made in mine and many others’ lives. I continue to learn from and grow because of you…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Tantrums! Loud, giant, frustrating…

April 16, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

TANTRUMS. Or any and all big, giant, huge, loud, ear-splitting, eye rolling, often embarrassing and frustrating FEELINGS.

And how ever-so-difficult this can be–to manage our OWN response.

Simple, in that it is something you CAN control rather than trying to control your child…or any other human being….

Difficult–so very, very difficult–because it asks us to take an honest look at ourselves, get a “handle” on OUR often very big and overwhelming feelings, let go of feeling embarrassed, angry, sad, over-the-top frustrated…

So two thoughts for you:

1) Be gentle with your SELF.

When you find yourself responding in a less-than-wonderful way to your child’s work at learning to manage themselves, show yourself compassion. This is hard work and you will always have another opportunity to try again .

By showing yourself compassion--forgiving yourself—you are role modeling an essential piece of living well for your child. Doing so often leads to authentic apologies. Doing so leads to self-care. Doing so leads to being honest. “I blew it. I need a break. I apologize…” What a way to show your child a mature way to deal with mistakes and big feelings. Now you’ve taken what started out as relationship-depleting and made it relationship-building.

2) Greet each round of “mis” behavior as another chance to strengthen your PAUSE muscle.

To find what it takes for you to take that split second, minute, hour, (day??)…to stop and focus on yourself, first. To find some semblance of calm. To think about what your child NEEDS and what can help your child the most, right now, to learn a little bit more about managing themselves. Then, hanging on to that thread of calm you’ve managed to find, go re-connect with your child. Discover that you may just respond rather than react. Notice how it lessens the intensity of the situation–maybe just a bit, but hey, that counts. Pay attention to how, with your calm(er) self leading the way, connection happens. And with connection compassion, cooperation, collaboration, healthier communication is more likely to emerge. In time.

So remember this:

The sign of great parenting is not your child’s behavior.

It is how YOU choose to behave.

It is okay if your child loses it–even in public. It is okay if your child needs to cling onto your leg and scream as you try to leave them at school. It is okay if your child has to yell, stomp, slam, roll eyes, sob, etc. This happens. For many reasons.

And as you are increasingly able to PAUSE, you will become clearer about just what your child needs, you are more likely to connect with your child in such a way that their need is answered, and now you are in a position to positively influence them as they work at learning more about themselves, how to manage their feelings, how to express themselves more productively…how to grow in healthy, relationship-building ways.

Really.

Be gentle with yourself. Exercise your pause muscle. And always, always, re-connect.

Thank you to Synergy Parenting Resources for letting me share their poster.

Make it great today!

DON’T run, DON’T climb, DON’T whine…

April 15, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

DON’T run; DON’T climb on the table; DON’T touch; DON’T hit; don’t whine; don’t be late; don’t talk to me that way; don’t be so mean; don’t don’t don’t...and they keep on doing.

Frustrated? Exhausted? Worried??

Wondering when they’ll ever LEARN?

Here’s the deal–whatever we focus on we get more of, so choose with care what you say to your child. Make it what they CAN do and you will discover this is what you will get more of.

Ideas for you:

~ “When we are in the store, we use our walking (or tip-toeing or skipping or…) feet. I’m thinking I’m going to march along…how about you?” And then join in alongside...

~ “Okay! Time to be right alongside me so we can be safe as we cross the parking lot…would you like to hang on to my purse handle, my hand, or do you think you can walk right next to me all by yourself?”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can listen to you; if you need to whine, the whining room is downstairs–when you are done, you are welcome to talk with me!” Or perhaps “I can tell you need something. When you can use your regular voice, I’ll be able to understand how to help you.”

~ “I know it hurt your feelings when your friend said those things to you. I bet it hurt hers, too, when you used unkind words right back. What do you think a friend could do to help in a situation like this?”

~ “Tables are for sitting at. I can tell you feel like climbing! You can climb on the couch if you’d like, or choose to sit on the chair at the table and I’ll get you your crayons…a snack…”

~ “The fragile glass is for our eyes only. Can you see the different colors in it? Let’s use one finger to touch carefully–just like that!” Or maybe, “…the glasses on the shelf belong on the shelf–would you like to choose one of your sippy cups and get a drink?”

~ “We use gentle hands on our kitty–pat-pat she likes that! Do you hear her purring? She’s telling you how good that feels…”

~ “Please be ready to go in 10 minutes–if you need some help getting your things together, let me know!” Or…”Be on time so we can stop at the store for the things you need!” And always–“…thank you for being ready to go.” (whether on time or not!).

~”Hitting me is never okay, it hurts–can you use your words to tell me what you are mad at?” Perhaps followed by “Here’s what you CAN hit in our house–the pillows, the couch, the balloon, the floor–which do you want to hit as hard as you can?” And then join in alongside...

~ “The things under the sink are for mommy and daddy only. You can have the things in this cupboard, if you’d like. Let’s peek inside and see what’s in there…!”

~ “The oven door stays closed when it is hot. You can turn on the oven light, if you’d like, and we can peek through the window together. Oooh! I wonder what we are going to see??”

~ “You know, I can hear you, but your tone is making it difficult for me to really listen. When you can use a respectful tone of voice, I’m ready to listen to you.” And then be ready to accept their attempt at saying things more respectfully…even when it still sounds on the snarky side of things...

What we focus on grows.

Spend more time letting your child know what he can do, what it is you do want. Now they can truly learn in a positive and productive direction with less conflict over time. So often we get into a battle trying to ‘make our child behave’ and this battle? If we paused, considered what we really wanted, then responded to our child based on that–there would be far fewer battles. Instead you’d have an opportunity to help your child learn a little bit more about themselves, about what they can and cannot do, about what is expected and what is their responsibility. Truly a win/win for all.

So choose today to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”

Fill it instead with your certainty that your child can do what is expected–over time, with your calm, connected guidance leading the way.

Here’s to letting your calm connection lead the way.

With JOY and appreciation,

Use the Power of PAUSE

April 13, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

PAUSE…

When the heat rises, the discomfort climbs, the anxiety and frustration and just plain MAD begin to take over…

.

PAUSE. Breathe, step away, count to ten, close your eyes, go get a drink of water, swipe the kitchen counter with a rag…do whatever it takes to calm yourself (even just a tiny bit!), first. No matter how brief a moment you have–PAUSE.

Think about what you really want in this situation–think about what CAN be learned, what you want the most, what you want in the long run. And remind yourself that you are your child’s calm and confident guide they can count on–always.

Then take another deep breath. No matter how brief a moment you have to PAUSE, your encouraging self-talk can step up in amazing and quick ways–really! And if all you can do is say “PAUSE!” to yourself, it counts .

NOW step back in. Let your calm confidence in being their guide and the calm connection you intend to create with your child lead the way.

Respond instead of react. It’s less WHAT we say and so much more HOW we say it. So…

Worry less about what you want to say and do and put your attention fully on HOW you intend to do it--calmly, with connection at the forefront, confident that you are their parent and nothing will ever change this.

Clear that this is less about the immediate conflict or challenge and more about building relationships in affirming and productive ways and children who can grow themselves towards those responsible, respectful, in charge of themselves future adults. A step at a time.

Keep the trusting, respectful, kind relationship you intend to nurture at the forefront–for this will be powerful for helping you respond to the current challenge or conflict in such a way that it becomes relationship building. Even if you are still saying NO or STOP or having a child melt down at your feet it can become a real deposit into the healthy relationship you want because YOU are staying calm, connected, and confident no matter what your child does.

What a powerful way to communicate confidence in and

respect for your child.

And in the long run it is what counts–in the moment it can be incredibly difficult and draining, yet you will notice, in time, how things begin to shift in positive ways…really!

Practice today. Slowly. One step at a time. Even just pausing for a second and that is all you can accomplish–it will make a difference, for you will be focusing first on yourself and what you want more of–what we focus on grows.

Let some encouraging self-talk step up. Tell yourself that you ARE the calm, confident, connected parent your child needs. That’s all. A mantra to focus on. Try it. Write it down; post it on the mirror, the microwave, in your car. And notice what is different over the next few days…

Here’s to you! And thank you to screamfree and Hal Runkel for bringing PAUSE into my life.

Need a bit of help and encouragement as you strengthen PAUSE? Take a look at my books. They will help .

It’s Personal, Our Grief

April 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Grief. You’ve been there, and will be there, and maybe are there, right now.

Whether it is grief over loss of a pet, a friend, a child. Or a child grieving the loss of a beloved critter, a sibling or dear friend, a grandparent, a parent. No matter the who or what, grief.

I’ve been asked by a dear friend to talk about grief. To talk, I think, about how to manage it, move through it, feel better from it. It often floors us–this grief. It is BIG. It is DEEP. It feels insurmountable at times, it leaves us often feeling helpless–whether it is our grief or another’s.

We often, myself included, get busy trying to push our grief away. To not be sad. To “make ourselves/the other better.” To try to solve our child’s or our great big sad in whatever way we can. Sometimes this seems to work–to “make it go away.” We do it perhaps by filling up our time. Avoiding the sad. We do it by maybe buying extra things for our child, giving them lots of attention to distract them (mostly because we can’t handle their sad…), perhaps saying things like, “Don’t be sad. Here, this will help you feel better…” Or maybe we ignore it, hoping it’ll all just take care of itself.

Always, always these attempts at being “over” our grief are valid, coming from a place of deep care and compassion. They are something that communicates how important the other is to us, how much we love them. Yet when we are busy trying to make the grief “go away” we are displacing just what we or our child need in order to grow in healthy ways—an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, to manage all our feelings, to really take charge of US…or our child learn to take charge of themselves.

To be strong, from the inside out. To learn how to grieve.

Here’s what I’ve come to over time…and truly I hope this will help ME when I’m faced with seemingly insurmountable grief. I’ve come to see grief–anyone’s great big sad–as something to welcome in.

Yes, welcome–maybe not with a big joyful smile but instead with the quiet acceptance a welcome can provide. To sit in the sad and just be. To give it a place of honor. I believe the more we grow up and out and expand in our joy in life, the further down our roots–our foundation–grow. Think of a tree–the taller it gets, spreading its branches out to the sunshine, light and air, the further down its roots grow into the dark soil in order to balance it, give it strength, so it cannot easily topple over. So it can continue growing in glorious ways. So it can be STRONG from the inside out.

This is how I see grief. It has a place in making us the whole and wonderful beings we are when we can welcome in our sad, cherish it, give it a place of honor, allow it. It is personal, our grief. It is on our own individual time-line that we will move through it. Instead of “getting over it” it will be come a part of the fabric of our being–those dark colors in a weaving? They off-set the bright and pastel ones the rest of our weaving (our life) is made of. We need these dark colors–maybe just to appreciate the brightness of the other colors, maybe to realize and relish the times of the bright colors.

As always, I encourage PAUSE to come into play.

PAUSE in yours or another’s grief. Connect quietly. Walk alongside. Look for the gifts the grief can bring--an opportunity to show compassion. An opportunity to leave another feeling truly heard and supported. An opportunity to grow our ability to let go, trust, lead with calm connection and really hear another or hear yourself. An opportunity to accept all feelings as important–crucial, even, for living well. An opportunity for self-care, for connection, for being what Mister Rogers always talked of–a helper. A chance to PAUSE a bit and reflect and remember and let those memories lift you or your child or another.

An opportunity to be the whole, balanced, strong-from-the-inside-out beings we can be. We can push grief away, cover it up, avoid it…and it can be sure to rock our world even more the next time around. Or we can welcome it in, give it a place of honor, sit in it and trust its part in helping us be whole and wonderful beings…and find ourselves just a bit stronger, more centered, in a place from which we can reach out to another who is feeling the insurmountable grief overwhelm them.

So today, whatever your loss, PAUSE. Take care of YOU by being gentle, compassionate, patient. Allow your grief. Maybe slowly, in little bits. Be sad. Be mad. Be confused. Honor all your feelings and know, clearly, that by doing so in time you will feel the inner strength once again. You will feel steadier. Calmer. You, as the tree that grows up and out, will discover the gifts your ever-deepening roots provide. Strength and balance. Strength that is quiet; balance that is steadying. Both can shore you up just when you need it the most.

And then joy—the joy that is about the richness of ALL feelings—enters in once again…

Here’s to my friend. Here’s to any and all of us. May this fill and lift us in ways we need the most.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

How might your resilience benefit far beyond yourself?

Focus on relationship.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

We can…

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

Let me appreciate…

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

Here’s what she realized:

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

To be allowed to finish your cry…

She sat herself down across the room from him and waited respectfully for him to finish his cry.

When we are responsible for our kids we are trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

We are responsible TO our children.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we decide to be, to feel, to act.

Our attention to our devices and the times

our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,

and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,

and emotional development.

Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional

experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.

…now you actually respond in a way that makes

sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m

curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now

you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”

And you really do.

THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and

self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.

The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.

.

Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.

So much learning. All from CONNECTION. Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

Easy to miss, important–often ESSENTIAL–to catch.

Moments such as…

What does this require from you?

In the long run it is truly relationship-building.

Alice’s thoughts:

Why?

It is HOW we then respond that determines what our child learns.

When we see testing, conflict, problems, misbehavior as an opportunity to walk alongside our children…

Now how might your response look?

This is what discipline is all about–guidance.

Put your attention to the solution, to growth, to eventual respect, kindness, compassion, self-control, inner direction.

Ever get tired of hearing this? I know I do. Especially when, well…NOTHING seems all that positive….

Enter APPRECIATION.

As you work at appreciating rather than finding something positive, you’ve just made room for positive to happen. And it often does.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What did his calm approach help his daughter learn?

Her calm and patient presence ‘spoke’ volumes:

In this brief span of time, so much was nurtured–positive

sibling relationships, confidence, self-regulation, trust, focused attention, imagination, the love of books…

Important moments in the day of a preschooler…

Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery

and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.

What could be different? NOW how might you be feeling?

Does your child go with the flow or define the flow?

It is the Define The Flow child who has us pulling out our hair, losing our cool, lacking confidence because we, well…just really don’t know what to do.

Yet it is the Go With The Flow child I want to pull our attention to.

This is key for growing the strengths and qualities we want in our child…it is key for putting our attention to what we want more of.

What does this require of YOU?

In return, your child can feel respected, understood, and empowered…

And now, relationships can truly thrive!

I encourage you to try looking at the behavior that stirs up your anxiety through a lens of appreciation…

HOW do you parent respectfully with

When we are responsible for our kids we are
trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we
decide to be, to feel, to act.

So much learning. All from CONNECTION.
Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”

**This is what discipline is all about–guidance.**

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**