How might your resilience benefit far beyond yourself?
All that we do impacts and influences others. We have a responsibility in this world to take care with what and how we do things.
That can feel like a load, can’t it? And yet…I find that can be freeing and inspiring and energizing. For me, it takes my focus from “woe is me” to a more optimistic approach to any challenge that comes my way. How I choose to navigate a challenge has the power to impact far beyond me. And this matters. So I keep on trying.
What does this require? The recognition that resilience is way less about always being able to handle the hard, and way MORE about allowing and even embracing the natural ups and downs of life. The hard, the sad, the grieving…along with the ease, the positive, the joy. Sometimes they take turns. Sometimes they are part of each day.
For me, in the midst of a loved one’s cancer journey, that means each day can be a combination of tears, laughter, checking out for a bit, intentionally creating bits of self-care. It means recognizing I’m feeling down and sad, even angry…and allowing myself to feel that way rather than work hard at changing it. Rather a paradox, you know, when instead of trying hard to “feel better” you just FEEL…and then feeling better emerges.
Every. Single. Time. (and yes, maybe it takes a long time…)
This kind of resilience is about sharing. Reaching out to the helpers. Being a helper when you can (I so love Mister Rogers! His words always inspire). Knowing that we are all connected and what each of us thinks, feels, and does matters. This kind of resilience supports us as we struggle; lifts us as we take action; connects us deeply.
Strengthening our resilient selves requires awareness of what works for us, what we can do differently or more of. Taking self-care to new and different levels. Allowing others to care for us. Doing caring things FOR others. Recognizing how shared this journey is for each of us–the struggle I’m in is universal. We all struggle. And we all can be a part of what supports each of us to ultimately live well.
How does my resilience benefit others? I hope it is empowering. I hope it has others close to me increasing their awareness of their own inner strength, their own ability to be resilient. I hope it has those in my life tuning within and discovering what they need for themselves, what works for them to navigate the hard.
Mostly, I hope and intend for a better world for our children, grandchildren, and beyond. A world in which we strengthen our ability to PAUSE, to respond to any of the difficulties with calm, clear intention, allowing for real, positive, meaningful change to occur.
“Through the hard comes real and meaningful connection.Respect. Appreciation and gratitude. Love. Kindness. Growth. Rarely easy. Often messy. Downright scary at times. Loss is a part of this. Compassion comes from it.” (Alice Hanscam)
Resilience.
You may enjoy this piece of mine: “How We See the World IS Our Responsibility”
Or this: “Our Response Matters”
With JOY,
Alice
Author
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.
Then something magic happened.
There’s a Mama I know whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over the vacuum cleaner and its LOUD noise. You know, all those times you work at getting the house a bit cleaner, swiping the dust cloth here, collecting the toys there, washing dishes and bathrooms and yourself whenever you get a moment? Well…up until recently vacuum cleaning was nary an issue with her little one and could be (more or less) easily done at any time…until now.
If you are responsible FOR your children, then you need to start right now in getting them to think, feel, and behave in the ‘right’ ways. 
e toys of open-ended nature. Blocks. Lego. Dolls. Water play. Sand play. BOOKS. Dress-up clothes. Art supplies (fewer coloring books and way more PAPER). Craft supplies–especially the kind that isn’t set up to make something specific. Just supplies they can dive into, create, get messy.
And then there is what seems to usually be the “simple” step of switching the laundry from washer to dryer–today, however, it is nearly insurmountable. As is the well-intentioned dinner in the crockpot–usually a welcomed way to make dinner oh so much easier–still awaiting those green peppers you were going to chop and add. Let’s not even mention the now-clogged toilet, blocks and cards and Lego and stuffed guys spread from here to there, and the breakfast, lunch, and snack dishes and items still exactly where they were consumed. And it wasn’t at the table.
Granted, this can be incredibly difficult, finding a bit of joy or even considering that you CAN find it, when you are swallowed up by despair. The energy it seems to require is enough to turn away from the trying. The dark that can swallow you whole seems to leave no room for any bit of light.
ometimes those easy kids? They are often getting lost in all things reactive about our relationship with their Define The Flow sibling. They are watching. We are role modeling–role modeling just how to get lots of our attention.
en as you feel relieved and discover you have time to get things done, be sure to appreciate how your child or children are engaged, focused, sharing, compromising, collaborating.
perform” via, perhaps, saying “Sing them the song!” or “Can you show them how you can sing it? Come on…you know the words…” instead turned into an opportunity for her toddler to decide–on his own–just what he felt like doing with no cajoling or bribing or pressure.
the BLUE piece go?” And waited patiently as Mr. 2 studied, pointed, and delighted in being asked.
~ It makes me feel so special (until it becomes embarrassing but that’s a whole other lesson learned) when you pick me up from school and can listen to me without telling me to wait for you to finish texting. I burst out of school to run to the car and having you there smiling just at ME feels SO good! I’ve missed you all day…(I probably don’t tell you this, though.)
my games all by myself and KNOW that you are there, nearby, waiting ’til I invite you to join me. I like that, you know. I like that you let me get lost in all my own stories and then join in when I’m ready for you to.
Reading. Real books in real time. Together.
And then the cool thing happens. I find myself caring for, being kind to–in my thoughts and, hopefully, with my actions–those who are caught up in the angst, anger, and altercations. I recognize how shaken their foundation of trust is–no matter the cause. When our trust is compromised, so much can crumble. They need love and compassion more than ever. I know it can sound almost corny, to think “that’s all they need.” And yet, in a real sense, it is. Love that speaks to affirmation of feelings, acceptance of differences, receptivity to connection. Compassion that says, “I care” whether I agree or not. Compassion that reaches out and creates a shared human experience, touches upon another, welcomes in all feelings involved.
Think about a child. It is in that first year of life that
otally delightful play between two siblings who are dashing ahead of parents down a trail. Their funny exchanges…and then their screeching to a stop to turn around and bounce their funny right off of mom or dad…but mom or dad, they are busy on their phone.
Hurried children. It really is about slowing US down. Letting go a bit. Focusing on OUR anxieties and need to be the “good parent” and calm ourselves down. Think. Find support and encouragement often. Consider just what kind of adult we intend to grow. Know, really KNOW, that slowing down, doing less, focusing on building relationships rather than building a smart kid is essential for true success. No matter what society says.
…and less opportunity to feel the connection that is relationship-building and absolutely essential for growing well.
Yes, displace. Stay with me here! I know praise for all they do seems like the way to grow those strong-from-the-inside-out kids, but consider this–as we give what feels like encouragement to our children in just the above way, we can undermine their ability to be intrinsically motivated–firing from inside themselves as they tap into their strengths and abilities to, on their own, pursue all things in life; we can undermine their growth as a strong, inner directed person.
TV. Or iPad. Or other digital device. A show is put on. Or video game. Or other entertaining App. But since YOU need the distraction just as much, you turn on a funny show that you enjoy and seems totally okay for your kids, too.
How does watching friends as an elementary age child influence them at this developmental stage?
Teacher Tom writes about how, when we (the adults) give the respectful space for kids to work it out and sort it out SO MUCH LEARNING occurs. So much.
…peek-a-boo! In and out of the set of closet beads…delighting each time in surprising the present adult with him, relishing being able to count on the adult being there, practicing over and over again the ever important ability to separate… 
It illustrates just what can happen as we calmly, kindly, and with gentle firmness guide our children through a conflict. With little ones you’ll discover quickly how safe they’ll feel, how connected you are, how good it can be following a conflict. And you’ll know, from deep down, that things are right between you. The conflict? It mellows. Especially due to your calm connection. And your child learns. They can trust you. They feel safe. Your relationship just got stronger.
Baby? With her voice and words she reached out to Baby. Now Baby hears her…and Mama followed through with exactly what she said. I know, it seems a new baby wouldn’t understand this and perhaps she SHOULD have jumped up to attend. But this Mama listened carefully and knew the crying wasn’t too much, yet.
…you could absolutely 100% count on another? Always? No matter what?
our friends who built a “Cardboard Condo” that actually was collapsed and moved to their new house, it was such a favorite play thing for their preschoolers. A combination of multiple sized boxes, a bit of duct-tape, and presto! The favorite place to be and a magnet for all the little buddies who came to play. What a way to encourage self-direction, creativity, and imagination--as seen from afar as play changed from being Knights Sword Fighting to Daddies and Mommies and House to “I Bet You Can’t Find Me!”
I know a little boy who decided a smaller box was HIS quiet place. He’d climb in with his special guy and blanket whenever he needed time to just be. He’d sit there watching all the play around him, quite content. In his box. Lovely. This, in the midst of a small and busy daycare center. The really cool thing? Everyone respected the space he needed and defined for himself. 
gs I appreciated! The little one’s self-direction–being able to decide just what she wanted to do and how to do it, her constant talking talking talking, the young mother’s gentle approach and willingness to let her daughter lead quite often–from trailing behind her as she pushed her baby doll to welcoming in book after book to read.
and blue ones, too?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9uIJ-o2yqQ
…when you let your child climb up on a chair and help pour the flour into the bowl, followed by the milk as you make biscuits for dinner, you are providing them an opportunity to discover how a solid and a liquid behave individually as well as what changes when mixed together (oh the science of it all!); you are providing essential mathematical concepts as they hear “Measure one cup…pour all the milk…let’s take spoonfuls…”; and you are, once again, depositing soundly into a healthy, connected relationship that is the foundation for all learning. If you have no mental space to include your child, that’s okay, too. Sometimes I just put a bowl, measuring cup and spoons, and some oats and water out for my daughter to “cook all by herself” on the floor while I threw dinner together.
…that sitting quietly beside your child building your own tower of blocks as they chatter happily next to you stacking theirs, you are providing the companionship and space they need to explore their world in their own way. They are learning to self-direct, to be in charge of and think their own ideas, to connect with you in meaningful-to-them ways–“My papa loves me! He likes to play the things I like! What I do is important to my papa!” And you? You get a moment to PAUSE, breathe, recover a bit from feeling over-the-top exhausted.
And when sharing naturally occurs? When two little ones are both exploring one thing, or handing something over, or giving a piece of theirs to another? Then you get to let them know “You are sharing! Marie likes it when you share a piece of your snack.” What we focus on grows 
Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.
When our children are immersed in all the commercialization directed at them, unhappiness and unhealthy development ultimately reigns. As children grow, they are more likely to experience increased anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. By the time 
~ They learn productive ways to negotiate with a buddy, to listen to someone else’s ideas, collaborate, create, and then act upon them. This exchanging of ideas with another? This is very different from seeing a video and getting ideas from it. With a person, in real time, there is a richness, there is meaning, there is true hands-on, sensory and language rich collaboration within a relationship. Everything a child needs to grow well.
counters this healthy development. It is in the first 3 years that our brains develop the most rapidly, and it is with hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship and whole-body based experiences that this occurs. Screens displace these experiences, impeding our baby’s brain development.
Consider your use of devices and how they step up to enhance or detract connecting meaningfully and accurately (in regards to understanding your baby’s expression of needs). Ideas:
must be how life is to be experienced and they want to be a part of this life–hence more a part of yours.
Quiet. Maybe even boring to some.
Let go of trying to make so many wonderful Christmas goodies–perhaps pick a favorite or two and include your child in the making. Or not :-). Choose meals that are easier for you, ones that make delicious leftovers so the NEXT night it is just a quick re-heat.
er pushing the grocery cart, the empty car-seat mixed in the with the groceries. His obvious pleasure in holding his new grandson and his gentle nature as he spoke softly to him spoke clearly of the lovely relationship he is intending to have with his grandson.
er Grandmom with increasing dementia. A long drive, a long visit, and all she expressed was the complete joy she experienced sitting alongside G’mom, sharing photos of a trip, hearing G’mom go ’round and ’round with the same stories and questions.
Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…
Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:
ime, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”
What stands out to me is the impact smart phones and social media have on the psyches of our children (and us!).
Teaching any lesson, in school or at home that includes an attentive and engaged adult really listening to and watching the children involved is essential for real learning. How can having a screen and voice be seen as a better way for children to learn in school? As ANY way to learn in school beyond an occasional event?
g on, named every piece of equipment. He turned the pages back and forth, discovering, exploring, considering. Obviously he has had this book read to him many times over. Lovely.
“Boom, you went onto your bottom. See? You slipped on the water right here.” PAUSE. The tears began.
Again, you get to choose. “You really are having a tough time being ready to settle for diapers and books.” You know your child well–maybe walking over to their bedroom window and gazing outside for a bit, commenting without asking for any input on what you see will help them settle a bit. I know it often did for my girls.
y’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it. 
ediate parenting deal and that upsetting BIG feelings situation…
This is difficult. We all want those LOUD feelings to just go away–way less embarrassing, uncomfortable, aggravating.
side, swinging high and long. Protecting this time and space is key for a child to grow well.
What a little moment in the midst of many that means more than any of us can really know. It is these little moments that add up to meaningful experiences, real and meaningful growth, really cool things. It took only minutes out of the dad’s day to pause and give space to his son. It spoke volumes to his son. Add these little moments up and the impact–well, it is huge.
Such amazingly capable little souls. They are, in essence, SPECTACULAR!
at until they feel done. Our job? Ask questions such as, “Would you like help in the bathroom? Let me know if you do.” “You feel full? Okay. Iʼll save your plate in case you change your mind later.”
lasting friendships. Learning what makes a good friend includes hurt feelings, disappointment, feeling left out…as well as joy, energy, amazing ideas. Sad parts grow compassion and empathy; joyful parts help a child identify what it is they really like in a friendship. Our job? Allow all experiences, for they help grow an individual ready to be a truly great friend to others. And keep our problem solving selves on the side line so feelings really can be respected, felt, figured out 
ay to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”
