I found myself talking with a mother of three the other day. All that she shared is very much what I and many of my colleagues hear constantly.
We are overwhelmed when it comes to managing, balancing, understanding our children’s online exposure. And we are very, very worried. Exasperated, too. Throwing in the towel, looking the other way, or rolling up our sleeves and diving in–probably with a lot of emotional reactivity involved. Because we are overwhelmed.
It’s one thing to limit device time. But what about all the rabbit trails, inappropriate and scary trails our children are exposed to as they, perhaps purposefully or accidentally view, say, porn or a really scary video clip, step into social media bullying, or a You Tube that really was never meant for them?
HOW do we manage and balance all of these unknowns that are increasing in seemingly infinite ways?
HOW do we parent well, keep our children safe, control usage and exposure, say NO to video games, feel confident our schools are supporting this endeavor to lessen screen time…and on and on?
It’s exhausting.
We can go round and round about Apps for security, turning off wifi, controlling everything our children do, blocking this, blocking that, spend hours learning about how to block this and block that. Then find out our child got involved in unhealthy online activity at a friends house, or on the playground, or at lunch with buddies, or as they scrolled through their Smart Phone in the backseat of the car. No wonder we are overwhelmed.
Really, what CAN we do??
Focus on 
relationship.
Here’s the deal. No matter the extent to which you find ways to control, limit, balance all things digital and the rabbit trails awaiting any of us as we go online, it’s going to happen. Our children ARE going to be exposed to less than wonderful things. They ARE going to get upset, scared, hurt. In some ways, this has always been a part of growing, prior to being engulfed by screens. It is different now, though, for the engulfment has opened up the world and our children really aren’t developmentally READY for all of that. And it is nearly impossible to be the filter for it all that we’d like to be.
So we need to focus on our relationship. THIS we can control.
It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure
place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.
They need to KNOW we will be right there, alongside them, listening, exploring, helping them process their feelings in healthy ways. Not punishing. Not yelling. Not hiding under the covers. Not grabbing their device and refusing to ever let them on it again.
Instead, we need to be WITH them. Listening. Sharing our concerns, as well. Sharing what we know and see and understand about too much too soon. Brainstorming what can help, what they feel they need and want to do. Be there. Calmly. Respectfully. Connected.
THIS is how children can take the overwhelming confusion and perhaps fear and (eventually) move through it in healthy ways. It doesn’t take away what they were exposed to, but with YOU as the safe, secure, compassionate resource for them, they can more likely do the processing and letting go necessary to move forward.
Any challenges in life, when dealt with within a healthy, close, loving relationship can be better navigated and more likely in the healthy ways we want the most. How WE decide to be as our child struggles is where we can influence our relationships.
We can…
…Focus first on ourselves, PAUSE (deep breath? A bit of time?), calm down our anxiety as much as possible, consider just what you really want (beyond all of this to go away!) for your child, your relationship, and THEN step back in and respond to your child. It really does make a difference, even when you find yourself doing or saying things you wish you could back track on; have a do-over for. Just the fact they are being said from a calmer, more respectful place keeps you more likely connected to your child in relationship-building ways.
…Listen, first and foremost following your PAUSE. “Tell me more” is a great way to begin your listening. Affirm their feelings. Ask them questions. Explore together what you (and they) are learning about online activity, screen use, its impact on our well-being. Consider steps you can take. Try out ones your child suggests. Be gently firm with your “no” when you need to say NO. Remember, you are the parent and saying NO is necessary at times to help your child figure out more about who s/he is.
...Take a look around your home environment and be sure exposure to devices and online activity reflects what you truly want for your child. This means taking a careful look at how you use devices, too. Our children are watching.
…Seek to understand more about what research and experts are saying. Explore what is available for filtering carefully what your kids are exposed to.
…Talk to other parents! Build your community of families who are also working hard at creating a healthy emotional and physical environment for their children–I’ve met many who have connected with parents of their kids’ friends, shared concerns, swapped ideas, and ultimately worked together to send the same messages to all their children–and it changes how those children then connect, play, live. Support is essential.
…Re-discover all your children CAN do instead of defaulting to screens. Ideas include all kinds of arts and crafts (simple and complex), beading, painting, playing music, disappearing into their room to re-organize and sort, listening to audio books, reading, redecorating their rooms, make cards and write letters, BAKE–hand a school aged child a cookbook and say GO, knit, crochet, build things, go OUTSIDE, bike, build forts, play cards, play games–board and outdoor ones, sit and daydream, pull out the Lego box…so MANY things can be done besides handing them your phone to entertain them. Yes, even in the car.
…Notice when you feel really good about your relationship with your child–those times that leave you smiling, feeling a full heart, delighting in time spent, knowing without a doubt you’ve connected with your child in a meaningful way. Notice. What we focus on grows–so let your noticing of these times encourage you to do MORE of whatever you’ve discovered about those times.
We may never be able to feel fully confident about how our technology driven life-styles and world is influencing us.
We CAN feel confident in how we connect
with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,
and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.
This is the magic of TRUST. When your child can trust that you will be there to help her navigate all things in life in a calm and connected way, you now are more likely to find balancing and managing all things screens to be way less overwhelming. For everything you do will be run through the filter of RELATIONSHIP and your child will more likely make healthier, more productive, often way more FUN choices in life.
Because they have YOU.
Be sure to check out the Screen Time Action Network for all kinds of incredible support, community, experts, guidance!
Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Then something magic happened.
There’s a Mama I know whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over the vacuum cleaner and its LOUD noise. You know, all those times you work at getting the house a bit cleaner, swiping the dust cloth here, collecting the toys there, washing dishes and bathrooms and yourself whenever you get a moment? Well…up until recently vacuum cleaning was nary an issue with her little one and could be (more or less) easily done at any time…until now.
If you are responsible FOR your children, then you need to start right now in getting them to think, feel, and behave in the ‘right’ ways. 
ou are cruising right on through the store, gathering all you need…and then one raisin drops onto the floor. You automatically swoop down, pick it up and let your little one know, “Oops! This fell. Into the trash it goes.” And you continue on. The second raisin follows the first…maybe a third, as you continue with the same response, half paying attention because you are busy checking prices, choosing items, looking at your list.
ES your child nods, off they run across the playground and then your child slows, glances over her shoulder, looking at you with the hesitation of “Is this okay? Am I safe? Should I keep going…?”.
o go. You only half-hear the ramping up behind you. The “DON’T!” The “It’s MINE.” The “You better STOP!!!!” Next thing you know you have two kids fighting, crying, and tumbling all over each other to get to you. A big puddle of a mess that leaves you feeling frustrated; leaves them a wreck.
m what is expected, practice with them what is a better choice, offer them our respect for what they choose to do by calmly and consistently following through with the results of their choice, NOW real learning can occur. 
goodbyes each morning were increasingly pleasant. She and her daughter had a few nice conversations in the car. And her daughter began to show up closer to the 7:30 mark every single day.
Maybe you’d feel clearer about what it is that needs to happen; able to let go and trust a bit more; or just relieved. Maybe that’s all, just relieved. What a difference that can make, for relief bring relaxing. Relaxing opens you up and allows you to feel more receptive. And NOW real help can enter in.
Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).
The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.
ut how we feel in their hands.
my games all by myself and KNOW that you are there, nearby, waiting ’til I invite you to join me. I like that, you know. I like that you let me get lost in all my own stories and then join in when I’m ready for you to.
more likely feels heard, listened to, understood–respected. They are given a chance to think their own thoughts, share them in their own way, reflect on and beyond whatever they are experiencing. And now? They grow their ability to manage themselves that much more. To grow their capable, competent, creative selves. To problem solve, dream, share, think, listen, and hear :-).
I wrote to this parent that he had LOTS of company when it came to “crappy interactions” that then leave us feeling bad, guilty, consumed. 
Keep in mind the
…I came back upstairs from cleaning up the kitchen to find all of the clothes from their hamper upended on the floor of their room, and they were both pouring the water from their bottles onto the pile. I was LIVID. I forced myself to PAUSE, to remain calm, and that’s when I noticed they were both beaming. I asked, as quietly as I could, what they were doing.
otally delightful play between two siblings who are dashing ahead of parents down a trail. Their funny exchanges…and then their screeching to a stop to turn around and bounce their funny right off of mom or dad…but mom or dad, they are busy on their phone.
k to help me I’ll say NO and if you don’t ask to help me I’ll say “Mooommmmmeeeeeee! I N-E-E-E-E-D you!” And really, I do need your help by you just keeping me company…maybe from a distance, though. Cuz I think I CAN get these tights on my legs, this puzzle figured out, this jungle gym conquered. Maybe. But I might need your help.
~ Company is required at the kitchen counter but I’M in charge, not YOU (remember–I am the Boss of ME) and THIS is the recipe we are making and mess is expected and licks are required…then we can have a tea party!!!! But wait, I have to get all my stuffed guys set up…and oh yeah, first I better get ’em all dressed for the party. No, I’m NOT ready to come mix the recipe, I’m BUSY. W-a-i-t!!!! You said I could have a lick! It’s my turn to mix! NOT FAIR.
ay place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”
Hurried children. It really is about slowing US down. Letting go a bit. Focusing on OUR anxieties and need to be the “good parent” and calm ourselves down. Think. Find support and encouragement often. Consider just what kind of adult we intend to grow. Know, really KNOW, that slowing down, doing less, focusing on building relationships rather than building a smart kid is essential for true success. No matter what society says.
g to take in other kids’ antics around him, then back to navigating the steep upward climb he was on. This mama? She stayed quietly behind him, never interrupting, always watchful. She gave him his space to navigate on his own time. And when he reached the top? Oh his JOY over his accomplishment! And it was HIS accomplishment. Mama’s eyes twinkled at mine, for I was happily watching from the other side. Her respect shown to her young toddler to do his own work at his own pace spoke volumes to this little guy.
~The mama in the hardware store who let her 5-year-old use her as the hiding place from which to play peek-a-boo and “You can’t see me!” game with another adult (me). As the rambunctiousness ramped up (yes, I really did slow down my game as she ramped up!), mama so respectfully got down next to her daughter, put her hands on her shoulders and told her in a quiet voice that it was time to settle down. Calm, gentle, quiet, yet firm. Respectful. Now the little girl and I just flashed grins at each other…letting our game go 
This book brings me such joy! And I want to share that joy with all of you. It represents all that I’ve felt since I was a little, little girl and captivated by all things babies and toddlers. That’s where all of this began for me, when I was so little myself. I chose the colors and rainbow effect because of the feelings they emanate. Feelings of joy, compassion, lightness, even deep care and compassion. 
…and less opportunity to feel the connection that is relationship-building and absolutely essential for growing well.
Yes, displace. Stay with me here! I know praise for all they do seems like the way to grow those strong-from-the-inside-out kids, but consider this–as we give what feels like encouragement to our children in just the above way, we can undermine their ability to be intrinsically motivated–firing from inside themselves as they tap into their strengths and abilities to, on their own, pursue all things in life; we can undermine their growth as a strong, inner directed person.
What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.
Now our child can feel heard. Understood. Safe and secure. Our child can feel respected–because of feeling heard AND because we have more likely honored their choice by calmly following through with the results of their choice. Even if it is still a NO. When we’ve taken the moment to gather ourselves and respond instead of react, our NO is received more productively (even if it is still LOUD and upset…
tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…
HERE is where something important can happen. Here is where we can decide to:
picked up the frame and placed it carefully on the shelf from which it came.
Teacher Tom writes about how, when we (the adults) give the respectful space for kids to work it out and sort it out SO MUCH LEARNING occurs. So much.
My greatest lesson? PAUSE and the power of calm connection.
Baby? With her voice and words she reached out to Baby. Now Baby hears her…and Mama followed through with exactly what she said. I know, it seems a new baby wouldn’t understand this and perhaps she SHOULD have jumped up to attend. But this Mama listened carefully and knew the crying wasn’t too much, yet.
widen as she studied this stranger. (And yes, no verbal response is necessary. Those eyes widening as the woman paused? THAT was a conversational response…)
And when sharing naturally occurs? When two little ones are both exploring one thing, or handing something over, or giving a piece of theirs to another? Then you get to let them know “You are sharing! Marie likes it when you share a piece of your snack.” What we focus on grows 
Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.
the way through all their ups and downs as the 
Because we like to solve the problems. It’s in our nature. Yet consider this–consider another layer as to why we solve these problems.
Today, 
~ I DO find it scary to think I’m turning 18 and will be leaving soon. It’s exciting, too! I hope you can help me focus on how ready I am and let me make the decisions that feel right to me. It’s gotta be tough on you, too, because you’ll miss me and I know you worry about me. What helps me the most is when you let me figure things out…and then if I need you, I will ask. You’ll be there, right? Just knowing you are there for me helps me not have to ask for help so quickly. I feel ready to fly…
we let go of seeing ‘discipline’ as problems we have to fix, children we have to get to do things a certain way, punishment to bestow, and INSTEAD see it as the growth and learning opportunities it always is, we will discover fewer and fewer times that our children actually act out. Why?
reminded of this the other night as I spoke with a group of parents coming together to grow their ability to create meaningful connections with their children. To feel stronger in their ability to be sure they are building relationships in healthy and positive ways.
must be how life is to be experienced and they want to be a part of this life–hence more a part of yours.
Take care of yourself–do little things, just for you. Do big things if you can. As we do with our children when they are upset, confused, out of sorts, be gentle with yourself. Create that “safe place” to feel and be and notice what is different as a result. Simplify where you can. Just as we do with our children.
st pan was what HIS job would be. He carefully laid it on the floor, Mama swept into it, toddler picked it up rather precariously–and toddled to the garbage to work at twisting his wrist in just the right way. Half of the contents landed back on the floor–!
this is just the right thing to do).
ow this college-aged babysitter has developed a relationship with her mail carrier–so when these chunky letters come with not enough postage, the mail carrier, who knows they come from a certain 6-year-old, pays the postage due and makes no fuss about it to the college-aged babysitter–just making sure she gets these ever-important letters. Especially the ones with amazing pictures drawn of all kinds of made-up monsters.
Let go of trying to make so many wonderful Christmas goodies–perhaps pick a favorite or two and include your child in the making. Or not :-). Choose meals that are easier for you, ones that make delicious leftovers so the NEXT night it is just a quick re-heat.
ning, nagging, avoiding. This includes stopping hurtful behavior calmly and quickly, acknowledging feelings and desires, including them in the process of what they can do, and showing them if necessary. Over and over and over again. It means letting them 
nting is something we role model, it is a way of life, it fosters just the kind of relationships many of us strive for–healthy, loving, deeply connected, respectful, joyful. It can bring ease into your family’s rhythm, it can create the foundation for making parenting easier and far more rewarding. And it takes practice–and trust in the process raising future adults is.
er pushing the grocery cart, the empty car-seat mixed in the with the groceries. His obvious pleasure in holding his new grandson and his gentle nature as he spoke softly to him spoke clearly of the lovely relationship he is intending to have with his grandson.
er Grandmom with increasing dementia. A long drive, a long visit, and all she expressed was the complete joy she experienced sitting alongside G’mom, sharing photos of a trip, hearing G’mom go ’round and ’round with the same stories and questions.
he one-year-old’s curiosity as he studied this new-to-him person, the way he checked back to his mama to make sure all was well, and–when he was ready–the genuine reaching out of chubby little arms to his special-to-him adult, knowing without a doubt he could trust her and feel comfortable with her.
Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…
Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:
ime, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”
o right now? Or a preschooler with those BIG GIANT feelings erupting as you are trying to get out the door, make a meal, use the bathroom (by yourself), or…?
h even just a semblance of calm in place and a bit more clarity, allow yourself to respond to your child and TRUST how you do so. Maybe your response won’t fit into your label–maybe instead of what feels peaceful to you needs to be put aside as you firmly stop your child and look ’em in the eye and say NO.
Respect your child’s choice enough to let them experience the results of their choice–with you choosing to be the calm, clear, connected one no matter what they decide to do.
n no more drink, that mommy isn’t swayed a bit by their behavior. You’ve treated them with respect, they’ve had an opportunity to learn and grow.
So today…as challenges arise…take a deep breath (PAUSE. It is essential) and let go of needing your child to choose YOUR way. Instead, welcome their choice as an opportunity for them to experience the results and grow. No hurry–this takes time and practice. Respect the time it takes to grow a fabulous adult and be in the moment, guiding your child gently, calmly, consistently. I believe you will see real growth occur–and respect is right around the corner.
nt. I know we toss that word around a lot when we are frustrated, concerned, working hard at showing our children (and perhaps adults you might know) that their actions have consequences.
.he didn’t lose it. Dad instead left his son’s room before his temper got the best of him. He headed downstairs to the garage. There he gathered up the Shop-Vac, some rags, a broom, duct tape, cardboard, and other cleanup and temporary repair items. As he lugged it all up the stairs, dad realized how much calmer he already felt. This PAUSE of leaving the scene of the mess, focusing on what he needed to gather, letting go of trying to drag his son downstairs with him worked for him. He found he was returning to his son’s room, more interested in engaging with him positively as they cleaned up the mess.
to your lost-in-a-good-book child and as he looks up at you you can actually smile and ask what part he’s reading right now. Then remind him that it is time to head out and you need his cooperation. (It can feel like a big ask of you when time is of essence, and yet…this bit of a pause next to your child? It really takes but seconds.)
Best of it all was being able to go say goodnight and talk over The What that happened with my Mr. Nearly Five Year Old who said he thought I did “a good job using my words” to tell him how I was feeling. He seemed to understand the difference between explaining that something is wasteful and recognizing when accidents happen–and how it’s better to ask if help is needed.
And as my friend said, listen. Listen and watch and notice what is working for your little one to move through a transition well (which doesn’t always equate to ‘calmly’!). Notice what works to help them, notice what surprises you about their ability to move through the change. And especially notice, as life settles once again, just how your child has grown as a result.
The cool thing? Each time you walk yourself through a mental do-over you are strengthening the muscles necessary for doing it this way in real time. Really. Those do-overs…mistakes…”I wish-should have-maybe next times” all become key practice in strengthening just what you want more of.
And then later, as we toured the castle ruins, what did I notice? How easily engaged each child was with their exploring, learning, asking questions. How mom and dad answered questions quietly, asked new ones, and generally let their kids lead the way as they wove in and out of people, walls, paths, twisty old stair cases.
“Boom, you went onto your bottom. See? You slipped on the water right here.” PAUSE. The tears began.
Again, you get to choose. “You really are having a tough time being ready to settle for diapers and books.” You know your child well–maybe walking over to their bedroom window and gazing outside for a bit, commenting without asking for any input on what you see will help them settle a bit. I know it often did for my girls.
Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.
nny how the situation always rears its head once again and in a bigger way the next time around.
So if you are like me and find you check out and tune out in the hopes that everything will work itself out, PAUSE right now and consider just what works best for you to calm your own anxiety and push your play button once again.
What does this look like with younger children? A few ideas:
ite applesauce snack, and decided he wanted to make this all on his own. So apples it was…and a banana, as well.
k, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves. 
ren able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.
…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.
Pretty familiar, those words. If we haven’t said it ourselves, someone else has or we’ve been given the advice to “Pick your battle!” 
An example for you–homework freakout. 
Or, PAUSE. Stick to your promise of Monopoly tomorrow since your child’s choice was homework after dinner. Let your child melt down if that’s what they need to do. Start that affirming process again. Give them space. LET GO of the homework being done…for what is the worst case scenario? They return it to school the next day not finished. And then they get to discover what that means…and they learn a bit more about what IS
But a funny thing happens…
Parenting is HARD. Exhausting. Constant.
This is a common result of limiting or eliminating screens for young children–their behavior ultimately changes for the better because now they are more likely getting what they really need-–hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.
So I asked myself–what did my baby need? And I knew already. She needed ME. She needed to know I was there. She was young enough (2-3 months!) to still see herself as a part of me, rather than separate from me. That was coming soon, those first stages of separation…and boy, do they bring some new and challenging experiences!
Respectful parenting. It can be simple when things go agreeably. Cooperatively. Peacefully. And it can leave a parent over-whelmed and at a loss when things turn tumultuous. And they will. Regularly–because these tumultuous times? They mean NEW GROWTH. And with any new growth, things get out-of-sorts. For our toddler AND for us.
Sound familiar? Here’s the good news: You CAN feel better. 
ow. I can tell you are having a lot of fun and don’t feel ready to leave. What is one more thing you’d like to do before we get our shoes and coats on?” PAUSE. Listen. “Okay! When you are finished with your turn, we’ll head out.” Maybe your child still resists–“You really still don’t feel ready. Now we are going. Off we go to the car–!” And you pick them up, shoes in hand, and head to the car, calmly, matter-of-factly, ready to turn on the music so you have something to distract YOU as they turn their screaming volume up high…
Pausing, first and foremost. Calming your own upset. Being clear on just what you want the most–including what qualities you intend to foster in your children AND what you want in the moment. Then stepping into it with the calm confidence and clarity necessary for guiding your child.
Toddler looked at her, the Scary Horse, and back to her and proceeded to BOUNCE up and down.
This is difficult. We all want those LOUD feelings to just go away–way less embarrassing, uncomfortable, aggravating.
..how you DID create a pause and calm yourself down…albeit near the end of a knock-down-drag-out fight with your teen. At least you ended on a more connected note…and that is to be noticed and appreciated, for really, isn‘t it the connection we ultimately want more of?
Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.
The trick to this ingredient? YOU. Being able to respect boredom as the valuable “empty space” it is. Being able to say to your extra whiny, clingy, “MOOOOOOM, I’m BOOOOOORRRRREEEED!” something along the lines of, “Oh? You’re bored. I wonder what you are going to do about that.” And then off you go focusing on all the million and one things you have to accomplish.
side, swinging high and long. Protecting this time and space is key for a child to grow well.
them to freely and safely explore in, they get to do the exploring–at their pace, with their ideas, with our quiet observation and affirmation of their work, feelings, struggles, success. We get to let them know it is time to change that diaper; they get to decide how it is changed (a wrestling match? With them holding everything? On the floor…bed…table…standing…lying down…with chase games in-between?)
on with her upset…so no, he didn’t allow her to continue, he respected her need to do so and gave her the safe space in his arms to BE upset and still do what needed to be done–get to point B.
What a little moment in the midst of many that means more than any of us can really know. It is these little moments that add up to meaningful experiences, real and meaningful growth, really cool things. It took only minutes out of the dad’s day to pause and give space to his son. It spoke volumes to his son. Add these little moments up and the impact–well, it is huge.
Such amazingly capable little souls. They are, in essence, SPECTACULAR!
at until they feel done. Our job? Ask questions such as, “Would you like help in the bathroom? Let me know if you do.” “You feel full? Okay. Iʼll save your plate in case you change your mind later.”
lasting friendships. Learning what makes a good friend includes hurt feelings, disappointment, feeling left out…as well as joy, energy, amazing ideas. Sad parts grow compassion and empathy; joyful parts help a child identify what it is they really like in a friendship. Our job? Allow all experiences, for they help grow an individual ready to be a truly great friend to others. And keep our problem solving selves on the side line so feelings really can be respected, felt, figured out 
ay to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”