Appreciation

Tag: Appreciation

Resilience Matters

March 2, 2023 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

How might your resilience benefit far beyond yourself?

All that we do impacts and influences others. We have a responsibility in this world to take care with what and how we do things.

That can feel like a load, can’t it? And yet…I find that can be freeing and inspiring and energizing. For me, it takes my focus from “woe is me” to a more optimistic approach to any challenge that comes my way. How I choose to navigate a challenge has the power to impact far beyond me. And this matters. So I keep on trying.

What does this require? The recognition that resilience is way less about always being able to handle the hard, and way MORE about allowing and even embracing the natural ups and downs of life. The hard, the sad, the grieving…along with the ease, the positive, the joy. Sometimes they take turns. Sometimes they are part of each day.

For me, in the midst of a loved one’s cancer journey, that means each day can be a combination of tears, laughter, checking out for a bit, intentionally creating bits of self-care. It means recognizing I’m feeling down and sad, even angry…and allowing myself to feel that way rather than work hard at changing it. Rather a paradox, you know, when instead of trying hard to “feel better” you just FEEL…and then feeling better emerges.

Every. Single. Time. (and yes, maybe it takes a long time…)

This kind of resilience is about sharing. Reaching out to the helpers. Being a helper when you can (I so love Mister Rogers! His words always inspire). Knowing that we are all connected and what each of us thinks, feels, and does matters. This kind of resilience supports us as we struggle; lifts us as we take action; connects us deeply.

Strengthening our resilient selves requires awareness of what works for us, what we can do differently or more of. Taking self-care to new and different levels. Allowing others to care for us. Doing caring things FOR others. Recognizing how shared this journey is for each of us–the struggle I’m in is universal. We all struggle. And we all can be a part of what supports each of us to ultimately live well.

How does my resilience benefit others? I hope it is empowering. I hope it has others close to me increasing their awareness of their own inner strength, their own ability to be resilient. I hope it has those in my life tuning within and discovering what they need for themselves, what works for them to navigate the hard.

Mostly, I hope and intend for a better world for our children, grandchildren, and beyond. A world in which we strengthen our ability to PAUSE, to respond to any of the difficulties with calm, clear intention, allowing for real, positive, meaningful change to occur.

“Through the hard comes real and meaningful connection.Respect. Appreciation and gratitude. Love. Kindness. Growth. Rarely easy. Often messy. Downright scary at times. Loss is a part of this. Compassion comes from it.” (Alice Hanscam)

Resilience.

You may enjoy this piece of mine: “How We See the World IS Our Responsibility”

Or this: “Our Response Matters”

With JOY,

Alice
Author
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

All Your Kids Are Sick…

May 19, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care, Self-help Comment

All the kids are sick. Goopy noses, coughing, crying, can’t sleep, neither can you. You have guests landing at your house soon, are trying to work around what initially seemed like a small remodel of the kitchen, the dog got into the garbage AGAIN, there is no peeling the cling-ons your kids have become off your legs AND you feel exhausted. Overwhelmed. Running on empty. Chaos, yuck, craziness rules the roost. Oh–and remember, you HAVE to go to work, the grocery store, the doctor’s office–probably more than once.

You are feeling awful. Exhausted and overwhelmed. Guilty for letting your kids just do whatever because it is all you can do to manage everyone’s illness and ‘regular’ life. Cereal and treats and videos and sleeping with you and, well, getting whatever they want so your sanity can prevail. Maybe.

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

And let me appreciate YOU for a moment, because I know how impossible it is to see through all of this yuck to what really can help you feel a bit steadier, calmer, okay no matter what is swirling around you.

Let me appreciate…

…your resilience. You are still in the game despite (or because of) all this chaos. You don’t feel this resilience I see, yet let me be clear–you have it and are using it. That is WHY you are still in the game.

…your deep care and compassion you have for your kids even as they wipe their noses on you, add 50 pounds of weight to your legs, cry constantly, keep you awake tossing and turning, fight and melt down. It is because of the deep care you have that you are still in the game. Even if “in the game” means hiding under your covers for a while as your kids are plunked in front of a movie.

…how you let go of what seemed like “have tos.” Your ability to let go of a well rounded meal, getting to work on time or at all, having a clean(er) house, your promise to never over-do screen time, getting a real night’s sleep.

This letting go? Yes, it is due to you feeling like you have NO control over any of it, yet I “see” someone who is clear on what needs to be the reality for right now. Someone who, by letting go, has been able to go with the flow a tad more, answer their children’s needs in the moment, stay present to the here and now. All things to appreciate. All things absolutely necessary to moving through the chaos well–in time.

…that retreat into the bathroom with doors locked. Just for a few minutes for the much needed RELIEF you need. You may see it as a retreat, as “I can’t handle this!” I will re-frame it as an essential Self-Care Deposit. A PAUSE that has you more likely stepping out after a few moments with just a tad more patience, resilience, maybe even a creative idea for what can happen next.

…YOUR feelings. All of them. Your guilt, your anxiety, your upset. Let me appreciate these, for I know it is hard for you to do so. We so often feel we are supposed to NOT feel this way. That it means we are, somehow, less of a good parent for being mad, guilty, anxiety ridden. Let me appreciate for you, right now, the whole and wonderful being you are that feeling all these feelings represents. Whole and wonderful.

…your humor! Sarcastic or not, that laugh you had as everything and one melted down around you? It is a gift and a strength. Use it. See it. Find it. A little humor can go a l-o-n-g way when everything else is a mess.

Okay. So you STILL are a wreck and so are your kids. But tell me, how does it feel to be appreciated despite (or because of) all this chaos? Can you really own this appreciation or are you still rolling your eyes at me? No matter, I don’t mind.

I will keep putting these appreciations out to you, for what we focus on grows. Maybe later, after everything settles for real, you will find yourself reflecting on my words. Or maybe you feel a bit relieved right now to know that things really are working in the midst of all the yuck. Either way, I appreciate your work to parent as well as you can through the hard.

And I hope you might feel steadier. Calmer. Stronger–-at least a bit. Or just steadier. We can leave it at that. Because what a difference that can make as life swirls around you–to feel steady in the midst of it all. Or steadier for the next round of chaos. What a way to help a child settle more quickly, a Big Upset to be valued and appreciated. What a way to let a little light-hearted-ness step in and step up.

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Chore Charts, Behavior Charts, Sticker Charts, Oh My!

March 30, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Chore charts. Behavior charts. Daily charts. Charts with stickers, charts with toys or adventures to earn, charts to show the order of the day. Charts, charts, and more charts.

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

We attempt all kinds of systems to change their behavior in positive ways–charts being pretty common and tried by many of us, I’m certain. And they can work…for awhile.

Funny, though, how either we begin to fade away from following through with them (“Geez! I’ve forgotten to let my child put stickers on all he’s done!”) or our children–after the initial days of total excitement over stickers, check marks, rewards to look forward to–begin to ignore it…resort back to ignoring you and your requests…leave the dog unfed, resist brushing their teeth, no longer care about the cool toy that is promised. That well thought out chart? It just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

Just think about that diet you put yourself on to lose a few pounds or how you decided to truly stay on top of a house project or how you swore you were going to start cooking from scratch more and more often. Just think about how these vows to create the change you know could be beneficial for you sort of went out the window fairly quickly…and the old ways stuck.

Change in our children requires us to focus on ourselves first and foremost. Consider where real and lasting change has occurred with your children, in your life, work related, school related, relationship related. No matter, just change that felt truly successful. Consider what it took–perhaps determination, clarity on just what you intended with this change, commitment to it and consistency as you stuck with it, a friend encouraging you along the way, moments of success that had you willingly digging in deeper to stick it out…

Now consider this:

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if we focused on creating the foundation for potential change in our children? On being the positive, calming influence with our kids that can have them stepping up on their own, motivating themselves to make more productive choices? Not doing it because of the cool sparkly star they get to add to their chart, not because they get to go to Bouncy Bears as a prize, not because they now have you smiling at them instead of frowning…but really motivating their own selves because it feels good and right TO THEM from the inside out?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

~ I noticed and affirmed my child today as I saw them use gentle hands, clean up, take their dish to the counter, pet the dog, buckle up in the car, use their words, play quietly, sleep soundly, tackle their homework, shut the door carefully…

~ I intentionally looked to where my child made productive choices and I let her know I noticed–“When you clean up your blocks like that, I appreciate it and it means we can get out the board game and play!” “Letting your friend know that you couldn’t play today was hard, but I can see getting your homework done is important to you.”

~ I chose to stay calm and connected to my child today, despite how she behaved…it was hard and I did it! Patience ruled!

~ I paid attention to where my child took charge of himself–by flushing the toilet, choosing her socks, deciding on which cereal he wants, remembering to pack her homework, digging out their favorite shirt from the laundry all by themselves, zipping his coat, toddling over with a sloshing cup of milk in hand to give it to me, saying NO to coming indoors to play or NO to being asked to share (yes, that is a child taking charge of themselves!)…:-)

~ I paused today and followed through calmly and consistently with just what I had promised my child (whether it was a consequence or something fun). Keeping promises is important to me!

~ I intentionally gave my child an opportunity to do things “all by herself”, to grow as an independent, capable, competent soul. Perhaps I paused and waited as I watched my little one work hard at climbing onto the chair (and discovered how, even with bumps and crashes, she DID it. All by herself!); I gave the car keys and a grocery list to the newly licensed teen in my house (that was a bit nerve-wracking…); I stepped back while my child quite gleefully dug into the dog food bag and very generously filled the dog’s bowl…no wonder our dog is overweight…

~ I deposited into my self-care account today and it felt GREAT.

Now what might be different? Just think…

…intentionally focusing on what you want more of; intentionally focusing on growing your ability to parent well. Affirming yourself all day long.

What might be different about your day? How might you feel no matter what your child chooses to do? How, with your focus on yourself, could this positively influence your child?

Try it. Write up a chart for yourself. Get a bunch of pretty stars to stick on or delicious chocolate to reward yourself as you pay attention to what you want to do differently. Real and lasting change can be yours–and it begins with you. So go put your attention on just what you want more of and pat yourself on the back often for doing just this. You deserve to feel and be affirmed. The work you do to create positive change in your family is tough, essential, and totally rewarding.

I give you STARS today! Some dark chocolate, too 🙂

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

“Just Think Positively!” Yikes…

February 25, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

“It’ll be okay, just think positively!”

“I know, I know, he’s driving you nuts. I’m sure there is SOMETHING positive about it all…”

“Let’s look at the bright side!”

Ever get tired of hearing this? I know I do. Especially when, well…NOTHING seems all that positive….

Positive can feel totally inauthentic. It can feel “Polly-anna-ish.” Being asked to look at or find “something positive”–especially as your child is pushing your buttons to the Nth degree every single minute of the day or you are struggling just to make ends meet–can have you rolling your eyes, laughing right out loud, and very quickly no longer listening to whomever is telling you so.

Really, where IS the positive when things are so very bad, or you feeling so very, very low, or when your anxiety over whatever your child is doing is incredibly overwhelming?

Enter APPRECIATION.

And no, this isn’t about appreciating your child’s bad behavior, your raw fear, anxiety, anger, depression. Sometimes there is NO appreciating any of that.

And yet, appreciation is still possible. Try appreciating:

...that YOU are still “in the game” no matter what. No matter how fearful, anxious, mad you are. You are still “in the game.”

…finally falling into bed at night to sleep and being able to just shut out all the YUCK for even a short while. Even though it’ll still be there when you roll back out in the morning. Or in a few hours. At least you will be a bit more rested…

…how deeply you feel over all of what is pushing your button. This deep feeling? It speaks loudly of your care and concern and love for your child, for yourself.

…the super amazing cup of coffee you pour yourself after another sleepless night. SUPER amazing. Maybe add a bit of chocolate to go with it…

...being stuck in the traffic because it is giving you more time away from all the chaos at home…and a chance to listen to some music YOU like .

…how intent you are on growing a human being who can be polite, kind, compassionate…(even as it is NOT working and there is NO sign of manners, kindness, compassion. At least your intent is in place!)

...the hug you got earlier in the day…prior to the fight and tears. That hug? It still counts.

…the smiles exchanged as you passed others on the street. I enjoy that one, for I always feel a bit lifted as a result…

...the kindness of the fellow in line at the store who let you go first–your stress and overwhelmed self needed to get out of the store sooner. Somehow he just knew that. Kindness really does abound!

…how giving your kids a bowl of cereal for dinner is really all about you able to let go and relax into making something hard that much easier for you. SELF-CARE!

…that you are absolutely CLEAR that nothing is feeling good or going well. Clarity. It is a good thing!

Appreciation. And the cool thing?

As you work at appreciating rather than finding something positive, you’ve just made room for positive to happen. And it often does.

Change–real, productive, meaningful change–happens. And mostly–YOU will feel better. Lifted. Empowered. LIBERATED from the spiral of yuck. Now you really can move forward and create the change you are wanting the most.

Appreciation–essential for living well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Helping Hand

January 15, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What would be different if…

…when your child totally LOSES it in the grocery store you felt eyes of support and encouragement–and maybe an extra hand or two?

…when you find yourself getting caught up in all the what ifs and fears and oh-my-gosh-the-worst-thing-in-the-world-is-going-to-happen there was someone who reached out and said, “Yup. Me, too. I do that, too.”

…when you try over and over again to get your partner or child’s teacher or another to REALLY understand what you are trying to communicate you heard them say, “I hear you. Let me think on that a bit and get back to you…”

…when your child’s behavior has you over the top worried and you’ve tried everything and you feel at a total loss and you are a mess of a Mama, you had someone reach out and wrap you in their arms and say, “Here. Cry. It’s okay.”

What could be different? NOW how might you be feeling?

I believe you’d feel understood. Cared for. Appreciated. Maybe even without anything “fixed”–you know, tantrum still happening, anxiety still overwhelming–you’d feel relieved, a bit more confident and able to face whatever chaos you are in from a more grounded and steady place.

Maybe you’d feel like you’ve got company along this journey that you can really count on.

Maybe you’d feel clearer about what it is that needs to happen; able to let go and trust a bit more; or just relieved. Maybe that’s all, just relieved. What a difference that can make, for relief bring relaxing. Relaxing opens you up and allows you to feel more receptive. And NOW real help can enter in.

What a difference that could make. It really does take a village to raise a child AND a parent . It really does. And we are all in it together. After hearing today of a story of a mom, with divided attention at a park and both kids needing her help–and the lack of others willing to step up and give a helpful hand, I thought about this.

I also heard from another what a difference my writing has made for them as they head out into public and notice the hard work of parenting going on. They have found themselves being more receptive and curious rather than judgemental and critical as they watch difficult parent and child interactions. What a difference this makes–for now we feel a part of a community working together to parent and live well.

So today…pause. Find something to appreciate instead of criticize. Offer a helping hand. Reach out to a parent struggling and let them know they are doing the hard work of parenting and you get it. Allow feelings. Oh yes, please, allow feelings. They are to be valued. Your feelings included. Pause…appreciate…and walk alongside another without trying to fix, change, judge. Just be there.

Pretty amazing, what can happen. And you know, for you’ve felt it before–those times of acceptance and understanding; those times where you felt comforted by the company of another. Talk about feeling lifted, encouraged, even empowered! What a difference we can all make as we keep our attention on appreciation.

With appreciation for each of you,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Does YOUR Child…

January 5, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Does your child go with the flow or define the flow?

Think about this for a moment. Those “define the flow” kids–whether due to temperament or stage and especially when their flow is DIFFERENT from yours–get lots of attention. Lots.

Define The Flow also known as…

…Grand Negotiators–“She’s SURE to be a lawyer when she grows up!” How many times did we say that about our eldest!

…Stubborn!!! Cute when little…at least, for a while…

…The Rebel “WHY can’t he just do it my way, the better-healthier-safer way??”

…Tiring-ly Persistent–truly wears us down…

…Major Button Pushers–testing all day long…

…Talented Manipulators–-you know, the ones who are a bit sneakier and seem to “get their way” more often than not; who talk you into just about anything?

Sound familiar? I know, from the work I do and from my own parenting journey how exhausting this is.

It is the Define The Flow child who has us pulling out our hair, losing our cool, lacking confidence because we, well…just really don’t know what to do.

We work hard at defining the flow OUR way–we are the parents, right? We set boundaries, we know better, we have years of experience and age-old wisdom on our side, and yet…we struggle. And argue. And are just as stubborn, persistent, willing to constantly engage (aka: negotiate), push buttons (“Huh! Let’s see what he does when I do THAT…”).

Funny how that goes. We often do just what it is we want our Define The Flow child to STOP doing.

Okay–so that is where much of my work comes from–helping parents to shift their attention from all the things they’d like not to be happening, and discover and look for what it is they want more of. Such as appreciating the spirit of their Define The Flow child’s energy. To see the self-directed, strong in conviction, highly communicative, willing-to-persist-through-many-a-difficulty child who needs all of this in order to be a successful adult. Appreciate the spirit of all this energy–and then work at encouraging it in productive, healthy, empowering ways. For really, we DO want our child to grow into an adult who can define their flow, take charge of their life, be strong from the inside out.

Yet it is the Go With The Flow child I want to pull our attention to.

They are the “easy ones.” The quiet(er) ones. The ones who aren’t stirring the pot, are more likely to just go with the other child’s ideas, wants, desires. It brings us relief–“Whew. No argument to deal with there!” It makes it easier and simpler for us to focus on the Define The Flow child, where we think our attention needs to be.

Yet, I wonder. Sometimes those easy kids? They are often getting lost in all things reactive about our relationship with their Define The Flow sibling. They are watching. We are role modeling–role modeling just how to get lots of our attention.

And one day these Go With The Flow kids…well…they surprise us and REBEL. Or disappear even deeper into being compliant.

They learn either to get loud and disruptive to finally get our attention OR they learn to get quieter and more compliant in order to NOT get us all stirred up because it is scary for them. Both can be concerning.

So I’m thinking, even as we laugh at “Oh YES! My child defintely defines the flow!!!”, we must PAUSE, look to our other children and NOTICE their quiet joining in with whatever their sibling decides or how they are easily and at length (and therefore letting us put all our attention elsewhere) focused on something or how quietly creative they are and actively name it, appreciate it, notice it.

This is key for growing the strengths and qualities we want in our child…it is key for putting our attention to what we want more of.

Ideas for you:

“I appreciate how you are accepting of your brother’s idea and are willing to go along with it–that really helps. We’ll have fun! And I look forward to hearing what YOUR idea is going to be for later today…” And you be sure you find out and encourage their idea for later…rather then letting it get lost in the energy of Mr. Define The Flow.

“You are quiet today. It looks like you are putting a lot of your attention on your project. I look forward to hearing about your work.” And when the attention moves from the project, you get to re-connect with, “Can you tell me about your work now? I’d really like to hear…” What a way to let your Go With The Flow child know what they do is important to you .

“Thank you for sharing your things with your sister. She was really excited to have a turn and you kindly stopped with your turn to help her out. When you are ready to have her return it, let her know.” And you stay tuned in, so if your Go With The Flow one indicates wanting items back, you are there to back them up as needed…to help them assert their selves in healthy, confident ways.

“You know, I bet it gets hard listening to your brother argue so much. I am sure you have some things you’d like to say, too. Would you like to tell me now?” And then you actively listen and stay fully focused on your Go With The Flow child…

“It worries you when your sister is so upset that she didn’t get her way. I can tell you want to help her feel better! Let’s give her a little time to get her mad out and think together about what we can do after she’s calmed down a bit.” This, when that Go With The Flow child tries to appease the upset Define The Flow sibling by quickly sharing or doing things just to make them less upset…and the Define The Flow sees it as a way to manipulate things…

Most importantly, be observant. Notice when things are going smoothly in your household and even as you feel relieved and discover you have time to get things done, be sure to appreciate how your child or children are engaged, focused, sharing, compromising, collaborating.

Put YOUR attention to just what you want more of–respectfully, maybe after the fact or maybe during–so you can be certain your kids know for sure the kinds of behavior and abilities that make for healthy lives and relationships.

Let your Go With The Flow child know, for sure, you appreciate their ease.

Let them know the strengths you see in them-–and that you appreciate how they utilize them.

Make sure they KNOW you are paying attention, that you see their confident, capable, self-directed selves show up in ways you truly appreciate.

Let your Define The Flow child know through your ability to calm yourself down, that yes, there are limits to what they can do. That yes, there are certain rules in your household to abide by. That yes, there are results to their choices. And appreciate the SPIRIT of their stubborn, endlessly negotiating, testing nature. For these are key for successful adulthood when accepted and then channeled in productive ways.

It’s hard work and it is important work. You and your children are worth it.

Here’s to you today!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Through the Lens of Appreciation

December 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Obstinate and stubborn or Fiercely Independent?

Talking back and argumentative or Skilled Negotiator?

Shy and all-too-quiet or Astute Observer?

Cry baby and incompetent or Sensitively Aware?

How you decide to ‘look’ at your child determines

what you (and they) experience…and then influences how

you choose to respond.

Consider these:

~ Your child is the one in a group situation who hangs at the periphery seemingly not engaging at all…and it worries you, “He’s missing out!” What is different for you if you see and appreciate it as your child is an Astute Observer who is seeing and feeling lots of things you don’t notice and are unaware of–that instead of missing out, they are soaking it up? Now how might you interact with them following this ‘periphery experience’?

~ Your child falls apart at the slightest thing–and always has since infancy! You wish that she’d be less the cry baby and able to ‘handle’ what comes her way. What is different for you as you appreciate how Sensitively Aware she is of all her feelings? What might you do differently as you look at her as handling her deep feelings in just the way that works best for her?

~ Or maybe you have a child (like I did) who constantly and annoyingly negotiates with you every step of the way, throwing right back at you THEIR solutions that you often know, without a doubt, aren’t ever going to be a choice. And of course it pushes your button and you end up in an argument that keeps on escalating. What if you saw this as your child being a Skilled Negotiator working hard at learning to problem solve in effective ways…or CAN learn if you step in seeing this as the strength it can be?! (Tough, I know. I’ve been there!)

~ Perhaps it is all the eye-rolling and sarcastic comments flung at you from your teen that really pushes your button to the Nth degree…URGH! What is different when you look at it as his way of coping with all the inner turmoil teens often experience? That he is trying super hard to keep himself together in the midst of extreme ups and downs? To be in control of himself? That the Skilled Negotiator, Fiercely Independent and Sensitively Aware inner strengths are ramping up all at once? Now what might you say or do the next time sarcasm, eye-rolling, and button pushing is flung your way?

~ The off-the-wall rambunctiousness of your child after school–talking at you constantly, moving their body full speed ahead, wanting your attention and time to play with you…and you just want it to be QUIET. Why can’t they just come home and chill for a while???

What is different for you as you recognize and appreciate that your child is an extrovert, unloading the stress of school and recharging by fully engaging you? And what is different as you recognize you really are an introvert who is Sensitively Aware and needs quiet time to recharge while your child is busily recharging himself in the way that works for him…?

~ Or maybe it is the opposite–your child comes home from school and says nary two words to you, disappearing into her room at length. You are dancing around this, wanting so much to know how her day went, what homework she has, who she ate lunch with, what things are to be planned for in the next few day. What could be different if you saw your child’s retreat as her way of taking care of herself so she can be at her best? That her Sensitively Aware and Astute Observer self is stepping up as she takes herself off to recharge–and this quiet time is exactly what she needs?

I think (actually, I know) all kinds of things could be different. Different in an appreciative, affirming, relationship-building way. Different in how your child understands themselves, listens to you, cooperates, collaborates, grows in healthy ways. And this reframing (for that is what it is) can be tough. Especially in the moment. So…

What does this require of YOU?

Pausing, often. Intentionally reframing what you see. Depositing into YOUR Self-Care-Savings Account regularly. Reflecting on the kind of future adult you intend to grow. Acknowledging your own strengths–when you can be patient, calm, feel connected in relationship-building ways. Appreciating your SELF.

With practice and time, all kinds of cool things begin to happen. You will find yourself calming down, and appreciating who they are just a bit more. And as you calm down, I believe you’ll discover how you choose to respond to your child will be in ways that support and encourage and affirm them for who they are and actually grow what really are strengths that are necessary to be a future successful adult. I know what was relationship-depleting can become relationship-building, absolutely.

In return, your child can feel respected, understood, and empowered…

And now…

The child on the periphery may begin to move into the group and engage…what a way to grow their capable, competent, confident selves, able to use their strength at Astutely Observing and thrive.

The child that feels so deeply begins to understand and accept her feelings even more–allowing her to manage those feelings better and better…essential for growing well. Now their Sensitively Aware strength benefits them and all their relationships in rich and meaningful ways.

The annoying negotiator begins to feel you are on board as a team player and will begin to brainstorm solutions and truly problem solve…and now that strength at Skilled Negotiating truly steps up and can lead the way.

The eye-rolling/sarcastic stuff from your teen can lessen…and they may begin to get clearer and open up about what is really troubling them. Their Fiercely Independent selves begin to take responsibility for themselves…and that independence? Key for successful adulthood.

The introvert and extroverts feel accepted as-is, allowing them to feel recharged and able to engage in ways that work for all…what a way to nurture the Astute Observer, Skilled Negotiator, Sensitively Aware, and Fiercely Independent strengths that grow a child who is fully in charge of themselves! Self-directed and responsible. How cool is that?

And now, relationships can truly thrive!

I encourage you to try looking at the behavior that stirs up your anxiety through a lens of appreciation…

And as you switch up how you look at their behavior and appreciate what they are working hard at, notice what is different for you, for your child, how it influences a situation. As you practice this, let me know what changes for you…because things will change, this I can promise.

Appreciation. It changes lives.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Delighting in Children

December 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and oh so enjoyed!:

~ The Mama who, with a group of eager adults wanting to hear her 2-year-old’s rendition of “Frosty the Snowman”, respectfully asked her little one, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” What was greatly appreciated is how what could have been an attempt to “make him perform” via, perhaps, saying “Sing them the song!” or “Can you show them how you can sing it? Come on…you know the words…” instead turned into an opportunity for her toddler to decide–on his own–just what he felt like doing with no cajoling or bribing or pressure.

What happened? Those words, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” had little guy scanning our attentive (and hopeful!) faces and launching into Frosty–in just the way a toddler does. We all delighted in it, joined in, and it became a wonderful, connected, joyful song that was sung over and over and over again…all because Mr. 2 wanted to! Just writing about this has me smiling all over again…

~ The 7-year-old boy who slowed his full-speed-ahead self down around the 2-year-old in just the right way. Playing tag by putting the brakes on just as he neared the toddler to then gently TAP him on the shoulder; stopping his perpetually moving body to plop next to Mr. 2 and ask him where each piece of a puzzle belonged–“Where does the BLUE piece go?” And waited patiently as Mr. 2 studied, pointed, and delighted in being asked.

And then the two of them going round and round the Christmas tree studying the ornaments, finding the ones of great interest, talking and touching–“remember! One finger touches!”–and sharing. And the incredible patience and tolerance and creative solutions Mr. 7 had as he taught his favorite young adult a version of checkers all the while and on the side engaging with Mr. 2 who wanted in on the game, as well…

~ The young adult upon returning home from lengthy travels for the holidays and being met by a certain favorite 7-year-old at the airport, signs of congratulations included, knelt down and opened her arms to him…sat back and admired his crayon-colored signs…discussed the various symbols he had drawn…full presence to Mr. 7 despite the general chaos around her.

And all l-o-n-g before she stood up and gave her parents their much-awaited HUG.

Lovely. Truly! Her attention to her relationship with Mr. 7…the message communicated to him–how important he is to her, how interested and curious she is about his work, how much she enjoys all things HIM…no wonder he loves and delights in her; she, him.

What wonderful ways to build connected, respectful, joy-filled relationships.

So today, look–really LOOK–at those around you. Notice the little moments. PAUSE in your running around trying to get everything done and notice. Then appreciate–yourself for pausing, your child for a smile moment, another parent for working hard at keeping it together. For these little moments? They count. They add up over time to become the huge and important ones. The ones that make the most difference. Really!

And share with me, here, if you’d like–something you’ve noticed and enjoyed. That way we can spread the joy…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Some of What I See

November 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

You know what warmed my heart of recent?

The young toddler run-run-running in toddler style down a wooden walkway in a local park. Arms pumping, knees high, and the BIGGEST grin on her face. The other cool thing? How her parents quietly followed along, their long strides matching the run run running of their toddler. Quietly. Respectfully. Giving their little one time to just BE.Lovely.

A certain 4.5 year-old in my life who asked his Mama to ask me if I could join them at the library. They were already there, immersed in all things BOOKS and it was me he thought of–an invitation hard to beat.

The small group of grandparents, parents, and school-aged kids at a local marsh, binoculars in hand, finding the bald eagle w-a-y out on a tree, studying moose remains a bit nearer, identifying arctic terns and swallows, and blue-winged teal ducks. Identifying because the kids have been shown, asked questions, given binoculars to learn to use. Bird book alongside. What a way to deposit into a healthy brain! Hands on, language and sensory rich, whole body, relationship-based learning.

A certain 10-year-old in my life who was eager to join in on his mother’s and my walk on a bike trail. Up he hopped on his bike, helmet in place, and then carefully and steadily stayed right beside us. No need to dash ahead, for he said he wanted to be next to us to talk. And talk he did 🙂 And when we were all back at his house enjoying tea? He said, “That was fun! I’m glad I went with you.” Cool, hmmmm?

Watching two favorite little boys–toddler and preschooler–roast hot dogs over our campfire one night. The concentration, the careful holding of the long metal stick, the adjustments to move A-W-A-Y from the smoke. The rather loud reluctance over letting go of the rather charred hot dog…until a slice of melon was offered up to roast, instead 🙂 All of it done with watchful eyes, space for both to manage the roasting all by themselves. And THEN there were the marshmallows…

That certain 10-year-old once again in my life who shared, as we sipped tea together, how much he loves to visit his Great Grandma. Why, I asked? “Because she is fun, shares jokes, and I love her stories,” he said. Now THAT is awesome.

My heart has been warmed and really, all it takes is pausing to notice and appreciate, to listen and maybe ask a question or two. Today, take time to look around and watch a bit. Catch that moment of a young toddler squatting close to a flower to study a bug. Watch for the GLEE as children play freely. Join in alongside your child to actively learn about something. Appreciate in little and big ways all through your days…it can begin to work magic in an otherwise hectic, stressful, or overwhelmed day.

Really!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Story Time! Dear Papa

October 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Dear Papa,

I AM amazing. Just like you said about me last night. I heard you and it made my feet seem to march just a bit faster and my knees go a bit higher. Look at all I can do!

I can ring the doorbell and know you will answer, wondering “Who’s coming to MY door???” And I KNOW you will smile at me and invite me in and then when I march right back outside and shut the door, I KNOW you will wait ’til I ring once again and start all over!

I can climb up into my seat at the table–all by myself–-and KNOW that you will stand near, ask me if I want help, and hear my “I can do it all by myself!” and then let me.

I can play my games all by myself and KNOW that you are there, nearby, waiting ’til I invite you to join me. I like that, you know. I like that you let me get lost in all my own stories and then join in when I’m ready for you to.

I can wait. At least, more and more often. It’s hard, you know, waiting. You tell me how patient I am and it helps me try harder when really I don’t WANT to be patient and wait. But I can count on you. I can count on you to always finish the big important stuff YOU do and then come join ME. This helps me be patient and wait. Even when it’s extra hard…

I can tell when I’m sleepy tired. I can ask when we are at our friend’s house, “Is it time to go?” Cuz if it IS I need to run to the potty and then gather up a fuzzy blanket to snuggle with in my car seat. Because I KNOW what feels good when I’m sleepy tired. And you never try to MAKE me “go to sleep”–you just help me let sleep come. My way. That’s how I know a fuzzy blanket helps…

I can CLIMB. Oh so high! I know how to find good handholds and places for my toes. I know, because you have always let me–with you near by–figure out this climbing deal. I like how you ask me questions about where my feet can go or if I can see that handhold right up to my left. I like that, because I can then TELL you know I AM capable and you feel confident about ME. That’s super wonderful, by the way. To feel YOUR confidence in what I’m learning about.

I can cry when I’m hurt or sad. You let me. I like that. I like knowing you will ask if I need your company. I like knowing that I can count on your arms and lap making a safe place for me to feel better–on my time instead of yours. I like that YOU wait–did you know YOU are patient, too? You wait until I’m ready. That always makes me feel better faster and ready to try things again. You know what? I REALLY like that, even if ice for an owie would help me, if I say NO you go with my NO. I’m learning and you let me.

I CAN. I can do so, so much and I AM amazing. I am an amazing ME because you and Mama help me in just the right ways. I love you. Like Daniel Tiger says, “Ugga-mugga!”

Thank you for being my Papa. And be sure to tell Mama cuz she thinks I’m amazing, too!

Love,
Your Nearly Three Year Old

Alice–the one who gets to watch all this magic…
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

A Delightful Moment

September 13, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A delightful moment. Delightful for it was shared–shared with a parent who ended up nearly in tears.

A long outdoor line at a local farmer’s market. A mama, an 18-month-old toddler, a grandma. And me. In line behind them, doing what I love to do–watch and delight in all-things-toddler, and appreciate–the mama, who in this very public place kept her focus and attention exactly where it needed to be.

Toddler? Marching, eye-twinkling, taking in everything all around him:

“Brokli! Hat,” as he watched a gentleman go by carrying a head of broccoli and wearing a hat.

“More? Brokli!!” And his little feet just kept a-moving, dancing around mama, moving away from the line…

Mama? “That gentleman has broccoli. He’s wearing a hat!” I loved her reflection back to her little one of exactly what he noticed and in full language that is so SO key for his ever-expanding repertoire of words, his ever-growing comprehension.

Those dancing little feet wanting so much to MOVE? Mama appreciated this and said, “Do you want to take Grandma and walk around a bit?” Oh YES his twinkly eyes responded…and his marching feet stepped fully away from the line, his eyes taking in all the vendors, all the broccoli and carrots and glorious vegies…grandma in tow.

And then immediately he circled back around looking for his Mama…who was watching him–fully present and available. His eyes literally danced with joy as he reconnected, visually first, and ran as only toddlers can run right back to her in line.

Mama? “Would you like to go pick out our broccoli?” Oh, how this lit up his eyes further as he eyed the pile of vegies they were nearing. Off he stepped toward the broccoli…then zip! Right back to mama, “Brokli! Hat!”

Mama, “You remember the gentleman who was carrying his broccoli and wearing a hat!”

And on and on they went, this little guy happily moving his little feet the entire time–dancing a bit away from the line, returning all on his own. I so appreciated his mama quietly observing him, talking to him about what he was interested in while also keeping him focused on why they were there. Nary a “No.” Nary a “Stay with me.” Nary a “Don’t touch!” Nope. Just present, engaged, and talking about what he was doing, seeing, and COULD do. What a way to grow his capable, in-charge-of-himself self.

And I said something. I told this mama how much I enjoyed watching her little guy. I told her how much I appreciated her presence and engagement. That all that she was doing and saying was growing his brain in exponential ways; their relationship in lovely ways; his ever-expanding independence in just right ways.

And she started to tear up. “Wow. Thank you. I often wonder if I’m doing things “right.” We just don’t hear when we are doing things well…thank you for letting me know.”

We smiled with our eyes (yes, masks were on in this crowded public place), sharing mutual JOY and delight and eye-twinkles over this lovely moment.

Today, take time to pause, observe, and appreciate another. Whether it is a time of delight or a time of struggle. When we pause to notice and appreciate, hearts are warmed, spirits lifted, JOY shared.

What a way to help our world.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Relationship-building All Around

July 5, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

~ The mom with the 3-year-old caught in the check out line and the little guy’s intense desire to have SOME thing from the racks enticing him. Mom’s ability to calmly say “No”, to pick him up as he began to scream, to gently and firmly hold his arms as he began to hit…and continue on with dealing with her groceries. I so appreciated her ability to stay calm and firm and kind to her son; I completely empathized with her caught in the very public forum and the many unkind looks being given and I completely disagreed with the “She should control her child! He needs some DISCIPLINE!”

Her ability to stay calm, firm, and kind communicated just what her son needed the most…

…that he could count on her to keep it together even when he could not; that she had confidence in his ability to (eventually) manage himself despite his disappointment with her “no.” What a fabulous way to walk alongside her son, guiding him through a challenging moment–truly teaching him self-discipline. What courage and resilience on her part!

~ The 24-year old and her 8-year-old buddy spread out on the floor absorbed by the board game, Settlers of Catan. She teaching him with patience, twinkly eyes, and obvious joy. He listening intently, asking questions, and continually wiggling, jumping, cartwheeling off furniture and back to the game.

I truly appreciated seeing such amazing evidence of a

lovely and close relationship that has been intentionally deposited into for years.

I smiled over the constant motion of the 8-year-old; the twinkly eyes and patience of the 24-year-old; the laughter over funny faces shared and delight in each other that was ever so clear.

I especially enjoyed their good-byes…”Can we play one more time?” “Oh, how I’d like to, as well! Let’s make a plan to SOON.” “YES! I wish we could NOW…” and out the door he semi-bounced, semi-lingered…then back for a quick and wonderful hug.

~ The Mama with her 4-year-old son in a coffee shop. She gave the little boy the opportunity to choose his treat, to hand the money over, and best of all when they sat down–they pulled out a book to pore over! A pop-up dragon book that had the boy totally engrossed in, with occasional pokes to Mama, “Look! Did you see? Can you read this part to me?” And watching him open and close and open each pop-up page, studying it, touching it, totally absorbed by it. And Mama gave him all the time he needed to feel finished.

What a way to grow a self-directed, focused, curious boy; what a rich deposit into their relationship.

Today notice and appreciate–and enjoy!–interactions between parents and their children. Let it put a smile on your face–and better yet, go say something to those you notice–including (and maybe most importantly) the resilience or patience or calm despite the outburst. It will put a smile on their face as well.

What a way to grow just what we want more of–joyful and appreciative and caring relationships

If you enjoy reading “Noticed and Appreciated” articles, here’s another for you: The Simple Pleasures

With JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

In Honor of Mothers

May 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

We are mothers. We all have stories to share.

An excerpt from “Parenting Through Relationship” for you:

In honor of YOU for Mother’s Day, and in honor of the most difficult and rewarding job you are in the midst of, and in honor of the village it takes to support a mother well, here are a few stories of mine to bring a smile to your face, a bit of understanding to your heart, a chance to feel all the good company you have as you move along your parenting journey…

…being sleep deprived for months on end and trying once, for one hour on one evening, to let my baby cry herself to sleep.

…being blown out of the water by the transition from a terrific two-year-old to an out-of-bounds, testing, cranky 3-year-old (and here I was supposed to ‘know’ what to do, since this IS my profession!) and crying on her preschool teacher’s shoulders as I struggled with this chaos presented to me.

…totally confused over what consequence I needed to impart to ‘make my child behave.’

…captivated by how my little ones explored, how absorbed they were in little things like lids on containers, buds on bushes, dried up moose poop and how it crumbles when you squash it

…being in tears over the mean girl stuff and hurt feelings my elementary girls found themselves in the midst of…and wondering what I needed to do. That was a really tough one.

…having times of sheer frustration of THAT TONE of my teen, of the eye rolling, the sarcasm, the desire for greater independence (which meant I had to calm myself down and let go of the control I so wished I could hang on to!).

…being totally delighted as I watched my girls in any and all of their endeavors–whether it was organized sports, a neighborhood capture the flag game, music performances, a teen party that ended in a pool-noodle-whack-fest.

...praying with my husband that our two young adult daughters were safe and sound even though they were hours overdue and up in the snowy mountains of Oregon.

…standing by my NO–and caving in just as often.

...struggling with leaving my young daughters with their first babysitter…oh heck, just finding the babysitter I could trust completely!! No one is like mom…right?

...being unable to tear my eyes away from my (finally!) sound asleep and simply adorable babies–even thought I had a ton of chores to catch up on!

…staying up w-a-y too late just to actually have a quiet conversation with my husband and paid for it by exhaustion the next day. Oh, but it was worth it. So was conquering the always growing pile of laundry. Felt good, waking up the next day with THAT job out of the way.

I’ve laughed, cried, relished, cherished, fought, yelled, hugged, fallen asleep while reading endless piles of books, and was a short order cook on many occasions. Just like each of you. My stories are how I got to where I am now, to being able to share with you, support and encourage you, hopefully inspire you. Your stories can do the same for others.

Parenting is simply the most rewarding and most difficult

job we will ever do; we need each other to carry us along.

I hope you will consider me a part of YOUR village. My work is here to support, encourage, and empower YOU.

Make YOUR Mother’s Day as special as you are.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Appreciating Play

April 1, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed…

~ The parents of a young toddler who, instead of getting the markers he wanted to join in on coloring like his older sister, asked, “Would you like to go choose your own colors?” And down he climbed oh-so-carefully from the tall stool, pushed and shoved it all the way across the kitchen floor, climbed back up and reached the markers he wanted…climbed back down with them clutched in his hand and proceeded to push and shove the stool back across the floor to the counter where coloring was taking place.

Mom and dad? They watched, stayed near in case of tumbles, and communicated such confidence in his ability to take charge of himself. Fabulous!

~ The same parents who have chosen to flow with the energy of toddler and preschooler coloring style–you know, the kind where the edges of the paper aren’t really the edge of the coloring? When markers slide right off to decorate the surface the paper is on? These parents have chosen to only provide dry erase markers–easily wiped off of the counter.

No struggles, no trying to make their little ones color ‘the right way’, positive encouragement to keep the color on the paper, and calm acceptance of the explorations this age naturally does.

And lots of damp paper towels given for clean up–again, confidence communicated in their ability to be in charge of themselves. How cool is that?

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–kitty food! His full engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending…all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be.

To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy!

Enjoy your children today. Notice what they can do just for themselves that puts a smile on your face. Give them opportunities to really be in charge of themselves; give them the time and space to just be.

It is worth it.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Defensiveness

February 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

You know when you feel defensive? I do. I know when I feel hot and aggravated and find myself forcefully and repeatedly “defending” whatever it is I think is right or how things should be. Sometimes it feels like a last-ditch effort, this defensiveness. Sometimes it feels like, if I don’t convince the other person involved that I am RIGHT, everything is going to fall apart. Or at least I’ll fall apart. Or spend the day stewing and trying to figure out HOW to convince them. Talk about relationship-depleting.

And then I think about when my teen was being defensive. Or my adult children now. Or my spouse. When they get defensive, I get my button pushed, too. I resist just as much as they are resisting. Not very productive. Definitely depleting. Ever felt this way? I’m certain many of you have.

What if you looked at this reactive and negative experience a bit differently; saw it through another lens?

What if, when you felt defensive, you realized you were protecting something important and vulnerable within you?

When your child or partner gets defensive, you recognize they are just protecting something important and vulnerable within them?

Here’s what I notice. When I PAUSE as that button gets pushed in me, and reframe defensiveness as protection of important and vulnerable things, I begin to get curious. What is important to me; what is the vulnerable part of me I need to recognize? Because when I think of vulnerable, I find myself gentling. Softening. Feeling more caring and compassionate.

When I feel defensive, am I actually feeling embarrassed? Sometimes. Feeling that I’m RIGHT…and if so, then why would being WRONG be upsetting to me? Probably because I’d feel less strong. Less self-assured. More self conscious and perhaps a failure. Ahhh…so that is what I’m protecting within me–my self-image and self-worth. I can do something about that. I can feel strong and confident and open and accepting. As I realize what I’m protecting, I can be kind to myself and my feelings. What a difference that can make.

Now instead of getting my button pushed when another gets defensive, I can see beyond that…to what they might be protecting and caring for within themselves. Their uncomfortable feelings. Compassion can more likely lead the way. Or if not compassion, then curiosity, first, which can lead to asking questions. And as we ask questions, we hear more of another’s story. As we hear their story, we find ourselves understanding and perhaps even relating to it, which leads the way to accepting and empathizing. Defensiveness goes by the wayside. THIS is how relationships are built in meaningful and positive ways.

Today, as you face defensive feelings–yours or another’s–consider pausing, first and foremost. Then adjust the lens through which you are seeing whatever the issue is. Look at it through “I’m/they are protecting something important and vulnerable to me/them.” Notice how that feels. And then move forward from there and see what is different, what unfolds. I believe it’ll feel a bit raw at first…and then this amazing connection will emerge–a connection with yourself and the other that leaves both of you feeling more affirmed, heard, understood.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

We can turn defensiveness around from relationship-depleting to relationship-building, all by the lens through which we view it.

How cool is that?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned, Strengthened, and Deeply Appreciated

December 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Lessons learned and greatly appreciated (and quite applicable to parenting) from Life’s Neighborhood–the memory care wing in an assisted living home:

…Being fully present makes all the difference. Oh, yes.

…Connection via a hand placed on another becomes real, meaningful, and important. Holding hands, too.

…LIGHT radiates from those tremendous smiles given as an elderly senior feels that important–albeit often fleeting–connection. So like our baby’s Tremendous Smiles as they first catch sight of us each day…or moment…

…Music and singing lifts souls and taps feet, claps hands, and has some folks dancing–wheel chair bound or not. Movement! So like our little ones.

…Light-hearted humor and playfulness make everything easier and more fun. Laughing. It is essential. Including the kind that turns into tears.

…Pool noodles make great balloon whackers. Whacking balloons brings out GLEE. GLEE leaves folk chuckling, delighting, wanting more. Connection abounds. Playing! Always a good thing.

…The HARD is softened by the bits of JOY shared. And there is joy everywhere…we just have to be looking for it. Sometimes it is obvious, like a lovely gemstone. Sometimes it is the gemstone still in the rough…hard to see the beauty, light, and JOY. Yet it is still there…awaiting a bit of polishing.

…Improvisation. The art of being completely in the moment with another going with THEIR “agenda”, letting go of ours. Pretty powerful. Quite the trails one can go down with a senior with dementia (so like a full-on talking toddler at times as they chat their way through their play!).

…Being understood and appreciated right where a person is “at” brings the warmest smiles of all. Whether its joining alongside a senior who thinks he is headed to a “meeting” with the “boss” to talk about “the numbers” or a young child who is tickled over how the moon “walks with me” and it was “the kitty-no, dinosaur, no my imaginary friend who ate all the peanut butter cuz they crawled into the cupboard, Mama, and hid all night long just like in the story you read and so can I have cookies for lunch?”

...Knowing what to expect and given the chance to be ready feels ever so respectful. To see that in action with elders brings me all the way back to how essential that is for our babies.

…Feeling safe comes from calm, consistent, connected care-giving. And feeling safe is what makes many things possible. It can take time, this feeling safe. Hence the importance of our consistency.

…Big feelings abound. Stepping in alongside gently and quietly can make all the difference in the world. Oh, yes.

…Having a team to work with, laugh with, share with, cry with is essential. Often what self-care is when your work is emotionally and physically HARD and you give 100% all day long. This team-work? It makes all things possible.

Seniors with dementia. Care for them at its best is the very same that we need to be giving our children. Or everyone. Our presence, acceptance, touch. Our respect, gentle care, and calm consistency. What a reminder of how lives can be lived all through the years. What a gift to any of our relationships.

Lessons learned, strengthened, and deeply appreciated. I am grateful to Aegis Living for giving me gifts beyond measure as they so respectfully cared for my mother.

Thank you.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Mister Rogers. A Champion for All.

September 24, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

I am incredibly moved. Tears in my eyes kind of moved. I share this again because I saw this documentary again. And again, I was incredibly moved. https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=FhwktRDG_aQ

Mister Rogers–a champion of all things children

is becoming a champion for all.

He was, always has been, and continues to be a hero of mine, a hero of many of yours, a definite hero of children. I have turned to him over the years to be reminded of, encouraged and inspired by his quiet, calm reassurance. I have always seen him as a person to aspire to. He is a man of integrity. He spoke and lived with the respectful presence and quiet certainty that has, can, and will hopefully continue to change our world in powerful ways.

I know for some, his slower way of speaking is difficult to listen to. We make jokes about it, we feel a tad uncomfortable at times, we stop listening as a result.

If you haven’t seen when he spoke at a Senate hearing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9uIJ-o2yqQ

…then I encourage you to do so.

It speaks (yes, slowly) VOLUMES of how, when we PAUSE and really, truly listen, we can change the world. Mister Rogers did at this Senate hearing; he does still, years after his passing. Despite many of us being uncomfortable with his way of being.

Mister Rogers was a pro when it came to feelings–and being comfortable in all feelings–yours, mine, his. Hence, despite many adults feeling odd around his slow, measured self–he has made the kind of positive impact that is expanding in infinite ways.

He can be a lesson in patience. He can be the role-model for the kind of authenticity we need more of. He can show all of us what can be deeply meaningful and important for any and all relationships. We can chuckle about it. We can look the other way. And yet, Mister Rogers? He stays steady and certain in all that is Right and Good for children. For us.

I am grateful he is, long after his passing, becoming a shining example of the love, light, and goodness so essential for living well.

“…each child, if you truly listen to him or her, is a universe of thought and feeling and what we owe every one of them is to hear who, exactly, they are. That’s how you build a sane society.” (Mister Rogers)

“He is needed because of his quiet calm reassurance, love and how he helps you manage your feelings–even hard ones like anger, fear, and grief.” (Reviewer)

“…if we make feelings mentionable and manageable…(a child can have) the good feeling of control…” (Mister Rogers)

“.. .it’s an invitation for somebody to be close to you. The greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know they are loved and capable of loving.” (Mister Rogers)

“…it is essential for us to make ‘goodness’ a foundation.”
(Mister Rogers)

Thank you, Mister Rogers, for continuing to radiate the love, light, compassion, and genuine care we all need more of. May we all be lifted so we can lift others along our way.

For that is what this really is all about–growing

ourselves in such a way we can be the one to lift another in times of need; to be the one receptive to another’s care and compassion so we can be lifted.

You know, it really does take a village of caring neighbors.

Won’t you be my neighbor?

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
©2018 Alice Hanscam

True Confessions

May 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

True confessions…

…I’ve screamed
…I’ve spanked
…I’ve slammed doors
…I’ve cried often
…I’ve threatened things I then didn’t follow through on–and other times DID no matter the cost
…My “No NO NO” has turned to “OK OK OK,” just please stop whining, arguing, fighting (AKA driving me nuts)!
…I’ve spent entire days feeling guilty about the blow up in the morning, awaiting the return of my child from school so I can feel better…
…I’ve plunked my kids in front of the TV just to get a much needed break
…I’ve grabbed arms too roughly, slammed desired items down onto the table, been extra harsh in the hope of driving MY point home.
…I’ve struggled.

I have also…

…Apologized heart-fully
…Learned to PAUSE so I could calm down
…Intentionally hugged my bristly teens each morning no matter the level of angst in the house
…Closed doors extra firmly (well, hey, there’s got to be room for growth!)
…Stuck to my promises
…Stayed strong in my decisions
…Let my kids be mad, sad, disappointed
…Let go of making my kids see my point (okay, again, this is a work in progress!)
…Got creative in order to get the break I needed without resorting to TV-something I felt strongly about
…Intentionally ‘gentled’ myself so I could hold arms carefully, place desired things on the table respectfully, speak calmly no matter how MAD I felt.

I have grown and continue to grow. And you can and are as well.

Know you have good company on this parenting journey–your struggles are shared, understood, appreciated; your successes celebrated. Be gentle with yourself so you can be so with your children.

Tipping the balance in favor of respectful and positive relationships is essential–this is not about perfection, this is about growth. If we reach for perfection we undermine our ability to accept and grow in the moment.

Know the kind of parent you intend to be and let that drive you forward in the tough times and relish it in the successful times. Keep your sight fixed on who you want to be, on each struggle as an opportunity to learn from, each success as true strengthening of the muscles you want to grow the most.

Allow yourself to grow.

**What a gift to our children as they watch us welcome the ups and downs of our growth and watch us strive–always strive–to be better. Now they can, too.**

Make it fabulous today!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

The Simple Pleasures…

April 23, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

…the two young babies sitting on their individual parent’s laps at a public play place…and watching them catch each other’s eye and SPARKLE at each other! Their smiles and full body wiggles and total delight in discovering each other was a joy to see. Watching the two parents notice and appreciate how their young babies interacted was equally delighted in

…the Papa who “flew” his 5-month-old chasing his 4-year-old around this play place. What was noticed was the baby’s obvious joy in all things CHASE (especially after a favorite and familiar sibling…). What was appreciated was how the Papa “flew” gently, checking in with baby regularly to be sure this game was as delighted by him as it was his 4-year-old brother!

…the group of 7-9-year-olds at a campground–roaring around on their bikes, calling out to each other, “watch me watch me!” as they did wheelies over mounds of dirt and skidded around their feet as they braked…their presence to each other, their energy, their loudly contested “NO, it was only your FRONT wheel that got air!” or “Uh uh! BOTH my wheels got air!”...all enjoyed by me as I appreciated the outdoor time and freedom to just be 7, 8, and 9-years-old

…the same group of kids gathered at the end of the dock early one morning, fishing poles in hand, jostling each other, watching intently over the edge, sharing “fish” stories that seemed to get bigger and grander with each telling…

…the 8-year-old girl totally immersed in playing in a bit of sand…all by herself…digging, piling, now and again glancing up to see what other kids were doing…then back to her sand creations. Immersed, lost in her play, no one telling her what or how to do anything.

I so enjoyed and appreciated the time and space all of these children had to just be KIDS.

To play, explore, get lost in thought, delight in each other. To be self-directed and imaginative. No adults obviously in the mix. Around, yes. Aware, yes. But totally out of the way…

...giving way for just what kids need lots of–free, non-adult-directed PLAY. Even the infants were given the opportunity to respectfully and with great joy experience one another.

THIS is relationship building.

Lovely. Here’s to all of you perhaps caught up in the craziness of daily life–pause for a moment and take a look around. Notice what you can appreciate right now. And notice how it feels to do so!

If you enjoy “Noticed and Appreciated” stories, here’s another for you: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/07/noticed-and-appreciated-so-much-learning/

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Parenting is Hard. Confusing. Exhausting. CONSTANT.

April 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

You know, it’s easy for me to forget just how insane parenting can be when you have two jobs, school, activities, whining, complaining, yelling, lack of desired compliance, stubborn-ness, talking back, slamming doors, AND maybe single parenting…

Oh, the noise noise NOISE. Audible and visual. Chaos.

I was reminded of this the other night as I spoke with a group of parents coming together to grow their ability to create meaningful connections with their children. To feel stronger in their ability to be sure they are building relationships in healthy and positive ways.

As you can imagine, it was all about PAUSE and how–in a heated button pushing moment and total craziness–to create one, how it can influence positively, how it can change in sometimes teeny tiny ways and other times in tremendous ways, a situation, interaction, relationship.

It was also about how HARD this all is.

I heard about how, when 3 kids are coming at you, your head fills with HEAT and you feel ready to explode. And often do.

I heard the “I just want my child to RESPECT me and LISTEN to me–preferably the first time…because she never does!”

I heard the “NOTHING works in regards to my kid staying in bed and it drives me nuts…I am so tired of totally losing it…”

And I heard how deep each parent’s love goes and is felt as they shared what feels especially good to them. Story time with all the kids piled up on the bed together. Reading on the couch with snuggling girls. Being the lap your child crawls into to share a great big sad. Family Bed Time each morning when they first crawl in-between mom and dad with arms splayed to be sure to touch both of you and just..well…snuggle some more. Quietly. At least…for the first minute or so.

I was reminded how being totally immersed in parenting is HARD. Exhausting. Confusing. Emotional. CONSTANT.

I know this. I definitely understand it. And yes, I can be pretty far removed from it, as well. Sort of like forgetting over time the pain of child birth…? And remembering only the moment of meeting my babies for the first time…

So I apologize. I apologize if my words speak to you of possibilities that seem out of reach. I apologize if my work and words seem too far removed from YOUR reality. And I also stand by my work and words. Because you know what? I really DO remember the insanity of it all. Maybe different insanity, for we each have different experiences and realities, but insanity and chaos all the same.

And I also know, without a doubt, that there are ways to move through this chaos feeling a little less HOT. A little less overwhelmed.

More confident. More centered.

Stronger and steadier from the inside out.

It doesn’t remove the HARD. It just makes it something you can actually feel better about being in. Sometimes truly clear and confident and calm. Sometimes just a bit better and that counts and is worth focusing on. Actually, NECESSARY to focus on.

You know what else I heard?

I heard the AHA’s as the parent who feels HOT with all the noise noise noise realized that these times go so much better when she either sends everyone outdoors OR if she talks to herself and names HER mad and upset in her head. She feels a little more in control of her self. I hope she takes this and runs with it–to notice feeling a little better and let it shift how she then responds to her kids. To use “going outdoors” for herself, if not the kids. What a difference that can make.

I heard the dad who gets driven nuts endlessly by bedtime stuff say, “But it doesn’t happen when mom is gone…” Something IS working. Worth looking at. I hope he does take time to consider what is different about bedtime for him and his son when mom is gone…

I heard the mom who wants her child to just LISTEN to her realize that their last vacation, unlike all the others, actually went really smoothly…that her little girl DID listen, stay close, cooperate, have fun. She even shared how they’d belt out tunes together in the car and how mom found she really didn’t mind the mess in the back seat…I hope she considers how her feeling a bit lighter, more matter-of-fact, and able to let go of certain things spoke volumes to her little girl.

I heard the mom with the sobbing 11-year-old realize that the fact her daughter felt she COULD come and sob just with her was really a gift. One that spoke of her daughter feeling safe and secure with mom. That she trusted her and therefore could let it all hang out. Maybe now, instead of feeling like all the work she did at letting go of the annoying texts and complaints led to failure (“my daughter lost it anyway!”), she recognizes it actually led to her daughter being able to share some of her deepest feelings. Talk about relationship building.

My work? It isn’t about making all the hard, upset, big feelings, chaos disappear.

My work is about helping YOU gain at least a foothold on the steadying place within that allows you to move through the hard, upset, big feelings, and chaos feeling stronger.

Maybe only a bit, maybe in time a lot. But stronger, none the less. It is less about being oh-so-calm and way more about feeling steadier, stronger, clearer, more confident. This can lead to calm…and sometimes begins with calm…but calm can be tough to find in the craziness of life.

I learned a lot that night, because I listened, remembered, appreciated…and I hope the parents left feeling a bit of the meaningful connection with each other, with me that they came to explore and strengthen for themselves. I hope they left realizing how they were already connecting with their children in lovely, relationship building ways and had one more tool for doing more of this. This is always my intent.

To leave others feeling

supported, encouraged, even empowered to create MORE of what they truly want.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Little Moments

March 13, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

Because Little Moments help keep us present to the here and now, rather than caught up in the worries and anxieties that often surround us, I share my poster once again with you.

Stay present and open to each Little Moment with your child, with yourself. Whether the moment is one filled with Big Feelings, a spontaneous hug, a watchful moment as your child is fully engaged in play, a deposit into your self-care account, or even a heated exchange with your teen…

Be present to it. Recognize it as an Important Moment that, depending on how you choose to welcome it and respond to it, can become a wonderfully relationship-building moment.

And I believe you will notice those anxieties to take a back seat and calm connection step up and lead the way. So much healthier for all!

Enjoy today’s Little Moments. They add up!

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Wiggles and Giggles!

February 21, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

The father and three children (ages 4 to 8) in a local ice-cream shop totally engaged with each other playing Rock, Paper, Scissors…

The giggles, the glee, the twinkles in the dad’s eyes as yet again he somehow got swallowed up by paper, cut by scissors, pounded by rocks. Another hand game followed–unfamiliar to me–that had the kids negotiating with each other, the dad learning, the entire family focused on each other. The climbing on laps, the up and down and back and forth, the JOY. Truly a delight and what wonderful deposits into all their relationships.

Dad communicated fully “You matter to me.”

And the children glowed.

The family of four in a local restaurant, a young teen and toddler. No technology on the table…

…including cell phones, tablets, you name it. Just the four of them talking, sharing food, laughing. The interactions with the toddler were a delight to watch–his teen-aged sister included him in conversation, eyes big and wide, smiling and engaging him, taking his 2-year-old input quite seriously. Mom obviously found real joy in watching two-year-old antics, listening to teen ideas and concerns…and dad? He planted himself next to his toddler absorbing all the goings on calmly and peacefully. They left the restaurant hand in hand. Lovely to see, heartwarming to watch.

The grandfather who lit up as he shared about raising his 6-year-old grand-daughter…

Despite the reasons being rather unhappy, he has embraced this as the gift and opportunity it is. I delighted in his sharing of how meaningful this is, how his patience has grown in extraordinary ways, of how deeply connected he feels. He talked about how he and his wife, once a bit at odds with parenting, feel quite the team. The LIGHT in his face and eyes, the bounce in his step as he talked about his grand-daughter’s antics, her absorption in books, the adventures they go on…all of it left me feeling what a blessed little girl to have landed in such a loving, joyful, secure, connected family. And what a gift to grand-dad, for this has brought real meaning and joy into his life–and he, and his granddaughter are thriving.

Put your attention to what you can appreciate,

to greeting everything as an opportunity, to simply

connecting with those you are with.

Notice the joy that fills you.

Look around today, find the moments that put a smile on your face, appreciate the wiggles and giggles of certain ages, the resilience and patience of a parent (or grandparent!) in the midst of chaos. Simply notice.

And then pay attention to how you feel as a result…and how this benefits those around you. I think you may like what you discover–your children certainly will. Intentionally make it an appreciative, joyful day…week…hour.

Enjoy wiggle stories? Here’s another: A Story of Boys and Their Wiggles

With appreciation for all of you,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

It’s HARD To Be Positive…

February 5, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Pause today as your buttons are pushed and the HARD gets in the way. Let go of trying to “Be positive!” It’s okay, you know, to be having one of THOSE days...or weeks…

Instead, find something you can appreciate.

Perhaps:

That you are still in-the-game despite what your kids are throwing at you. Nothing fun or positive about the resistance and ignoring and demanding that surrounds you…plenty to appreciate that you are still “in the game.” Even if you are throwing up your arms, losing your temper, or resorting to toast with peanut butter for dinner. You are still there.

The fact that your teen DOES join you at the table for dinner, even if s/he is full of eye-rolls and sarcastic responses…or no responses at all. Their physical presence counts even if their emotional presence is driving you nuts.

The persistence of your little one (a strength, really!) even if it is all about persisting with something that really isn’t okay. Like continuing to dump your potted plant’s dirt onto the floor despite your patient self stopping them and redirecting over and over again. Or NOT staying in bed and continually coming to find you when it is well past nap or bedtime. Or the back and forth grabbing and pushing as your two kids fight over who gets what–neither is really listening to the other, and both know exactly what they want. Persistence! It’s driving you crazy…

Perhaps how a friend reached out just as you felt yourself getting swallowed up by All Things Parenting. Your overwhelmed self found yourself sobbing on their shoulder…followed by feeling a sense of release, relief, and companionship. All Things Parenting will still be there, and now you have the reassurance of good company to help you through. It really does take a village to raise a parent!

Or maybe appreciate that 30 seconds you had this morning to close your eyes and breathe (and have a few sips of your coffee!) even though the rest of your day has been lost to the craziness of being everywhere for everyone and probably late…as usual. Those 30-seconds count. Think Self-Care Deposit.

Positives can be tough. Appreciations are everywhere.

Try pausing and then appreciating today as things ramp up and the last thing you can do is “Look at the positive side!” Notice what is different for you as a result…and remember, what you focus on grows 🙂

Here’s to you.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Mister Rogers

December 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

I’ve seen the new Mister Rogers movie twice, now. It’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

Maybe you’ve seen it. I hope, if you have, you are reflecting on it…even as it seemed slow. Quiet. Maybe even boring to some.

I felt uncomfortable for a bit the first time I saw it–I found myself wanting more action. More explaining. More…something. Then I paused…

And realized this is exactly the gift and message Mister Rogers lived and continues to share through all who are carrying his message forward.

Listening. Waiting. Appreciating. Gentleness. Focused attention. Wonder. Presence. Acceptance and allowance for uncomfortable feelings with no need to “make them go away.”

Ultimately, meaningful connection filled with love, wonder, and acceptance. All from living a PAUSE. Taking pause deeper and allowing it to create the space for others to feel, think, experience. Even–or most especially–the uncomfortable and what feels like the unmentionable.

For when you are given the grace of accepting, caring, gentle space–you are more likely going to feel the power of this grace and allow it to propel you forward. It’s often quite difficult, this propelling forward. It can, as we see in the movie, take time. Lots of time and patience and hurt feelings.

And yet, within the gentle space given by another, it becomes doable. And absolutely, ultimately meaningful in important and necessary ways. Connection that speaks volumes and can change lives in magnificent ways. Relationship-building. Relationship enriching.

I like you just the way you are. You are a whole and wonderful being BECAUSE of all your feelings. Never broken, always whole.

We are humans. We all have a full gamut of feelings. They are worth mentioning. And what is mention-able is manageable.

Absolutely.

Tom Hanks did a superb job of spreading Mister Rogers’ gentle, caring, PRESENT, truly interested, accepting way of being out to all of us–quietly and perhaps uncomfortably as we watch this important movie.

This is what we need more of. Read here for another wonderful take on who Mister Rogers was and continues to be: https://www.theatlantic.com/…/mister-rogers-attenti…/603106/

With love and appreciation for all,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2019 Alice Hanscam

Three Wise Women

December 15, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed (and found on a local church’s restroom wall):

Three Wise Women would have…

…asked for directions
…arrived on time
…helped deliver the baby
…brought practical gifts
…cleaned the stable
…made a casserole

(and cleaned up, as well!)

And there would be Peace and Joy on Earth. (Author unknown)

May this put a smile on your face this holiday season!

Joyfully,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Importance of Meaningful Connection

December 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:

~ The active 7-year-old in line at the grocery store with his dad intentionally engaging him in just the best ways to channel his energy. Initially it was unloading the cart together while the boy’s feet and arms and legs danced away–dad handing the less fragile items to his son to be plunked on the counter. Then it was a gentle containing of his son by ‘trapping’ him within a space dad’s arms made, whispering to his son, engaging him fully with twinkly eyes and even a few nose kisses. What could have been the demands of a frustrated dad–“Stop it! Hold still. You’re going to break something…”–was instead a positive, relationship building moment as dad used his son’s energy to create a successful experience. Their total enjoyment of each other was a joy to see.

Truly a deposit into their relationship…and the choices dad made with how to respond to his son will positively influence any future store trips made. Fabulous.

~ The Grandpa in the grocery store oh-so-gently holding his infant grandson up close and snuggly as they walked alongside the baby’s mother pushing the grocery cart, the empty car-seat mixed in the with the groceries. His obvious pleasure in holding his new grandson and his gentle nature as he spoke softly to him spoke clearly of the lovely relationship he is intending to have with his grandson.

What a way to begin building that solid foundation–gently, closely, warmly…lucky (blessed!) baby.

~ The college student willing to take a full day away from studies and friends to visit her Grandmom with increasing dementia. A long drive, a long visit, and all she expressed was the complete joy she experienced sitting alongside G’mom, sharing photos of a trip, hearing G’mom go ’round and ’round with the same stories and questions.

The student’s patience, love, and appreciation of her G’mom just the way she is is a gift for all who witnessed it.

Take time today to notice what you can appreciate…what puts a smile on your face..where quiet joy is being shared. Know this includes appreciating the difficult moments–the strengths being called upon such as the resilience of a parent with an upset child, the intentional choice to take a short break in order to care for yourself, the helpful hand from another as a parent juggles the crying baby and screaming toddler, and LOUD demands of a preschooler. Look at each situation you find yourself in, you notice others in, and appreciate. I think you will discover your experience to shift to a more affirming, uplifting one. And this energy will emanate out to others around you.

We really do have the ability to create the experiences we want.

And our children will follow suit.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Motherhood Moments

November 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Motherhood!

Caught in a series of drawings by Paula Kuka that had me laughing, enjoying, remembering, thinking, agreeing, and pausing. I think all of these Motherhood Moments are wonderful! Go check them all out via the link at the end of my post.

Meanwhile…let me apologize. The Moment I share here on this post? It had me pausing. If you follow me then you know how I feel and what I share in regards to our use of digital devices and the impact this can have on our children and relationships. A very real and relationship-depleting impact, quite often.

I’m one of *those* who can see the mama in the lower half of this drawing and catch myself starting to criticize what she is doing–spending outdoor time with her little one and also being on her phone at the same time. Yes, I can lose sight of what probably had filled her day prior to heading out for a much needed break, fresh air, exercise. And I apologize for this. It is never a helpful thing, to criticize or judge.

To be fair to myself (and you), I also find myself catching that criticism (PAUSE!) that wants to bubble up and I consider all I don’t know about another’s day, life, what led to heading outdoors to walk and talk on a cell with a young child in tow. I know that many-a-time it is exactly as this drawing depicts and I can totally relate to it, albeit not via use of a cell phone. Those were the days I plunked my child in front of Mister Rogers, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street and then took care of ME–or at least got chores done and dinner made without an octopus around my legs and whining filling my ears

Also to be fair to myself I know, from watching, talking with many parents, having exchanges with a number of you, that it has become normal and familiar, therefore seemingly okay to spend time with your little one with your attention distracted by the phone no matter what else you are doing. Hence my initial reaction to this drawing…thinking, “Oh man. This–as the newfound normal–really isn’t okay!” The hard of staying fully present to whatever you are doing or whomever you are with has gotten harder. And you all have expressed this. And I keep hoping my work and my colleagues’ work is helping encourage you to choose otherwise–to be truly Tech Intentional.

And to be fair to each of YOU, I KNOW that many of you are working hard at balancing this. To be Tech Intentional. To not let your digital life intrude too often in your time with your children and families. Because really, it just doesn’t work very well or feel very good. For parents or children.

I am sorry. For forgetting that perhaps this Mama was finally getting the breather she so desperately needs.

I will continue to work at affirming and appreciating any and all Mama’s out and about with child in tow (phone or no phone!), whether I know their story or not–because really, isn’t it more about feeling cared for and accepted in the moment you are in, as you are, no matter the choices being made? Because it is then that we are more likely going to listen, make different, healthier, intentional choices that align with the kind of relationships, experiences, and life we want the most.

Here’s to all of you Mamas! And a huge thank you to the artist, Paula Kuka.

Enjoy ALL these drawings via https://www.demilked.com/motherhood-comics-paula-kuka/.

With appreciation and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Campground JOY

November 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Something I love is watching young children and engaging with them 🙂 . It brings me real JOY. Spending time on the road with my husband lends me many opportunities to do so–from campground to campground. Two short little stories for you that still delight me as I reflect on them:

An exuberant 4.5 year old boy. Me. I was sitting propped up at one of the only electrical outlets there was charging my computer and writing. Preschooler shows up nearby with his Mama and little brother. Rocks climbed. Rocks knocked off of rocks. Up, down, jumping. Mr. 4.5 looks over and sees me.

“Whatya doing?”

“I’m working! Soon I’m going to be done and go play.”

“Whatya going to play?”

“Ohhh…probably climbing on rocks and jumping….”

“That’s what I’M doing! Watch!” And again he climbs, jumps, and looks at me. “You have very strong muscles to move those rocks and climb so high to jump!” He grins and immediately begins all over again. Happily involved with his rock play. What better play IS there in a campground?! I so appreciated Mama, who stayed back and watched the work of her two little boys.

Mr. Exuberant 4.5 and I chatted a bit more about what he can do and he talked about camping here, and how daddy was cleaning and packing up cuz they were going home. Then, “You can come to MY house if you want!”

Me, “Oh! I like to play at houses….” and at the same time, as soon as he happily declared I could come play, he ducked around the side of the building and hollered out, “NEVER MIND!” Equally exuberantly from the Shy Perspective 🙂 .

I chuckled to myself…his sudden realization of “Oh my gosh I just invited a stranger and I’m suddenly super shy and don’t quite know what to do”...and I called out, “I wonder if you have Lego at your house? I have some at mine. I like to build with Legos!” I figured Lego is pretty universal…

And the wonderful magic started all over again…Mr. 4.5 back tracked, peered around the corner and said, “You DO? I do, too!” And then just as quickly he retreated…headed back towards his campsite…paused….then hollered over his shoulder, “MY NAME IS MICHAEL!” and off he dashed.

I called out equally loud, “MY NAME IS ALICE!” End of story. I so enjoyed how happily open and engaged he began, how he retreated, and how he “reached out” once again in a way he felt safe. Mama and I exchanged smile and off they all went.

A bit later (and this is story number two), I was walking through the campground and saw a Daddy setting up camp, his 3-year-old daughter standing near, water bottle clutched in one arm, special stuffed guys in another. Her big eyes watched me carefully as I neared. I smiled and waved. She watched. I said, “You have Special Stuffed Guys!” She watched me carefully–so different from Mr. Exuberant 4.5, and equally “engaged” in the way she felt safe–clutching her guys and staying near her Daddy.

Daddy smiled. Looked at his daughter and said to me, “She has TWO special guys and one is an elephant!” I paused. I smiled at her and said, “Oh! An elephant!” (making my elephant trumpeting noise…hoping to get a smile…to no avail….). So I tried a slightly different tact, “We had Special Guys at our house, too. A kitty and a horse. YOU have an elephant!” And then I kept on moving past, Daddy said good-bye, I waved.

And then the ever-so-brief and equally wonderful magic occurred. Miss 3? She adjusted her water bottle to her other arm with her Special Guys, keeping her eyes on me the entire time, then waved. AND smiled. I walked backwards and continued my waving to her, she continued her bright-eyed smile and little wave back at me. It filled my heart.

Oh how wonderful! By simply engaging from a “sideways” manner of talking less to HER and more just about my daughters’ special guys, she felt safe enough to respond. Just like Mr. Exuberant 4.5 who, though ever-so-openly engaged initially, found his comfort zone behind a wall and discovering Lego was a favorite of mine…

It fills me, this connection with little ones. Today I hope you’ll pause enough to truly connect with another. Little ways or big ways. Notice and appreciate and be present to the bits of magic that happen ever-so-briefly at times. It truly can bring you JOY.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Have You Noticed?

November 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

...The snowsuit clad 3-year-old, arms spread wide, flying his way down the snowy sidewalk behind his mother and 2 dogs. He paused as we neared each other…then proceeded to demonstrate just the right noises for an airplane, passed his mother by, and banked around the corner flying his way down the path. His mother was thoroughly engaged with her son, enjoying his flying, encouraging it, and laughing her way along their ‘walk.’ Loved it. Especially her full presence to all that was unfolding…

…My friend who intentionally shared with me her observation of a 9-month-old at a basketball game. Rather than focusing on the game, she found herself enthralled with the infant who, with arms spread wide and hands wiggling back and forth, was intent on reaching a jiggling silver pom pom nearby. My friend shared how intensely focused he was, his whole body engaged in watching and reaching–you know, the wiggling arms and hands, bobbing head, bouncing legs…it brought her joy to watch, it brought me joy to hear about it. And the baby’s parents? They caught on and began to engage their son in a game of touch the pom pom and shake shake shake…and the joy spread.

…A preschooler who spent time on my floor totally involved in sorting pattern blocks, pieces of straws, and pegs into a muffin tin. Her focus and her sorting (by color) was fascinating to watch…her joy at accomplishment, followed by promptly dumping it all out into yet another container to mix and “make muffins!” put a smile on my face. And then she found my rubber maid cupboard…container after container pulled out and filled. Totally fun. Self-directed. Completely immersed in her own thoughts and ideas. Fabulous.

What have you appreciated and enjoyed of recent?

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Moments of Real Connection

October 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Simple things noticed and enjoyed:

…A certain 7-year-old TOTALLY enthralled with both his magnifying glass and his microscope and the way cool innards of bugs looks and anything else he can possibly collect and examine. Some things not to be mentioned for they might just gross you out. Ha.

…The 8-year-old who dug into his pockets and came up with a penny for another little boy to participate in the coin toss into the spiral tube. The first little boy had no more coins and was disappointed…the 8-year-old, totally unrelated and with his own family, noticed–and then, on his own, came over and helped. This ability to observe and be helpful and kind is simply lovely. And it happens often–and is easy to miss if WE don’t take the time to notice, ourselves…

…A certain 23-month-old whose story telling leaves the rest of us completely enthralled–his eyes light up, he signs and verbalizes and expresses with incredible gusto. The latest story? “Papa” (verbalized) along with the sign for BOAT, demonstrating with great emphasis how Papa carried it over his head with his friend…how friend said “DROP” (verbalized with inclusion of arms swinging down and knees a-bouncing) and “Papa” (verbalized) DROPPED the boat (signed)…Then great chuckles and falling on the floor just like the boat fell down. Oh the stories! Oh the story telling! What joy.

…The 20-something-year-old sisters tearing up with each other as they had to part ways for another six months. The joy this spreads through my heart as I watch them love each other is incredible. Especially knowing how many very tumultuous years they had as they fought their way through clothing/bathroom/hurt feeling wars..

…The teen-aged boy who noticed the fascination of a toddler as he and his friends played catch. This teen? He came on over to Mr. Toddler, knelt down, and asked, “Would you like to play ball with us?” Mr. Toddler paused…looked at his Mama who smiled at him…looked back at the teen and nodded with his whole body . Off they went together to play catch…what a kind and respectful interaction…how cool that a teenager noticed AND offered…and followed through so respectfully. Fun!

...The 5-year-old who is always “out striping” a favorite adult friend. Striped undies, striped t-shirt covered by striped long sleeve shirt. Pants with stripes up the sides, socks with stripes, and then (of course!) face paint stripes on tummies and faces! Oh the JOY of comparing stripes with his grown-up friend…counting, laughing, finding even more hidden in patterns on shirts.

Simple moments. Moments of real connection. Relationship-building moments!

These moments can get missed so easily as we rush around in our busy and full lives. Take time today to PAUSE…observe…and SEE them. Or better yet, find yourself in the midst of a moment that leaves you feeling wonderfully connected with another.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All the Kids are Sick

September 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

Let me appreciate…

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Continue…

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package

August 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package:

...upon returning home from your much needed Time Away and looking forward and feeling ready to once again being the parent you love to be, your kids–maybe following that simply amazing initial hug and out-pouring of l-o-v-e–start whining and clinging and pushing-pushing-pushing until all YOU want is ANOTHER Time Away! Sigh…deep deep breath….

…you FINALLY are getting a decent nights sleep. You’ve worked ever so hard at creating a routine, at standing gentle and firm in “you sleep in your own bed”, at resisting the first whimper at 2 a.m. until you are certain it is truly a need…and sleep is had. Until today. Illness or new teeth or an out-of-town guest or SOMETHING different and all that work at SLEEP? It vaporizes…

...heart wrenching moments. Tons of them. From watching your little one SCREAM and reach for you as you leave after dropping them at day-care, to the intensely hurt feelings as your child deals with truly unkind “friends” at school, to the emotional roller coaster your teen goes on sobbing one day and screaming at you the next, to those times when you just don’t KNOW where your newly driving teen IS. And they are late. Very, very late.

…heart WARMING moments. Tons of them. Those snuggles and shared eye-twinkles and belly laughing stories. Looking at your little one tucked into bed, sound asleep just like an angel :-). Being told by your teen your words and presence and hug meant a lot to them. When that little hand slips itself into yours…your lap is climbed into…your child flashes YOU the quick smile or trusts YOU with the sad feelings and tear-filled eyes…

…Confusion. Uncertainty. Frustration. YOURS. Not knowing if what you are doing is “right.” Wondering what to DO when your child does…fill in the blank :-). Feeling at your wits end with certain rather button-pushing and relentless behavior. Thinking you are totally ALONE in your troubles…(you aren’t, by the way. Lots of company in all of it…really!). Always feeling like you are running to catch up and yet you never really catch up for something new is always being thrown your way…

….RELIEF. To find your child okay after something scary. To have the potential blow-up NOT blow up. To have the babysitter arrive…finally! To decide just to pour a bowl of cereal for dinner or let go of whatever activity or commitment there was and just stay home or finally FINALLY getting a chance to B-R-E-A-T-H-E. Or go to the bathroom by yourself :-).

…JOY. Overwhelming, heart filling, lift-you-to-the-moon JOY. The spontaneous hugs and “I love yous.” The success of a child’s persistence whether in a sport, a project, a class, an anything. Watching them persist, be determined, stick to something hard…and SUCCEED. Now that fills us with joy! Or maybe it’s watching them side-by-side with a buddy, heads together, poring over something they both are enjoying, whispering, delighting together. JOY from “That’s MY child!” JOY because “Oh, that smile and giggle of theirs…” JOY due to meaningful time together–kicking your feet through fall leaves, strolling through the woods, reading endless books, holding each other during the Great Big Sad moments–yes, even that can bring JOY.

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package. Thank you to my friend and colleague Rhonda Moskowitz, for this quote…!

Ultimately?

ALL of these parts add up to be the rich and

meaningful relationships that make up our Parenting Package. One filled with deeply connected relationships.

Ultimately, living fully and living well.

Know that whatever you are in the midst of–whether heart-wrenching, joy-filled, or just plain FRUSTRATING–it is part and parcel of an amazing journey. In time you may even be able to come up for air and appreciate all parts of it…

Maybe. Definitely in time. For now, know that you have plenty of company no matter “where” you are in your parenting journey. Plenty.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Making a Real Difference, Meltdowns and All

June 10, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A favorite story to share…

Four-year-old twins, a boy and girl. A busy store. Two parents and a list of things to get. Here’s what caught my attention:

The little boy getting a hold of an item and starting to take it out of its package–mom knelt gently in front of him, placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Son, in a store we keep things in their packages until we buy them. That’s the rule. Can you put it back, please?” And then, upon refusal of her son, she carefully took it from his hands and placed it back where it belonged. Her son began to fuss…

I so appreciated her respectful, gentle approach that I kept my eye on what was unfolding from there. Yes, I watch. I watch because I enjoy noticing what is working for parents and children, I enjoy actively appreciating a parent’s efforts–more on that later.

The next thing I noticed:

The family in line, putting items up on the counter for the cashier…the little girl was happily saying, “Daddy, can I help carry things?”

The little boy–already a bit out of sorts with having to stop dismantling packaged items 🙂 –was doing the four-year-old whine. “I want that! I want it n-o-wwww!” Still on the quiet side, but a definite whine, fuss, discontentment. Dad reached down and picked him up–creating just the connection his little boy needed–and held him as they continued with unloading the cart. The boy got a little louder with his “I want…give it baaacckkk…”

Dad looked at mom and said quietly, “What would you like me to do?” Mom said, “Head on out with him.” And out of the store dad and four-year-old went, Mr. Four now increasing in volume as he realized he was getting further from what he wanted.

Yes, I followed–the sunshine felt good as I was waiting for my husband back in the store. So I followed and watched this wonderful exchange from a distance. Dad calmly carried his now writhing son over to their car and paused by the door, talking quietly. He put his son down…and the boy promptly did jello legs and collapsed on the ground–yet still rather subdued with his whining. Dad picked him up and opened the car and tucked him in–calmly, patiently.

Enter mom. She appeared outdoors with her daughter–and here is my favorite part. I tapped her on the shoulder and said,

“I want you to know I’ve enjoyed watching your twins. I so appreciate how calm and patient you both are with your son–I know how tough it can be and I saw how much of a difference it made for your little boy.”

And she beamed.

We then spent the next few minutes sharing 4-year-old antics and their BIG feelings, how hard this stage is with her twins–she spoke of the challenges as well as the joy. We spoke of the importance of calm connection and consistent follow-through in order to help a child really learn. We spoke of the message their calm gives–that their children can count on them to keep it together even when they (the children) cannot. And this is why her son never really lost it–because they kept it together. Now he had the opportunity to really learn just a little bit more about managing himself–in a store, with dad, on his own. Truly awesome.

We parted with me sharing how this had put a smile on my face, with her sharing how encouraging it is to be actively appreciated.

And this is what I encourage each of you to do this week–actively appreciate another. Whether it is a parent with an acting out child, a parent getting real joy out of an exchange, a child who is working hard at being a great helper, a child who is struggling with a sibling or an activity. Take a moment to watch, to encourage, to say, “I noticed. Kudos to you!”

We all need encouragement and to be appreciated. And I bet you will discover and enjoy the smile it’ll put on your face and in your heart as you do so. What a way to go through our days.

What a way to grow connected, joyful, meaningful relationships.

What a way to live.

Another favorite story of the power of calm connection is right here for you: Pick Me Up Now!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

A Call for Dignity

May 27, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology 2 Comments

THIS is a call to action.

And I need your help.

I find myself increasingly tired. Feeling discouraged and worried. Even DONE.

Tired of holding up the half-full cup and looking for and sharing joy and appreciation and the evidence that things are changing in life-affirming ways around us. Discouraged by what often seems a lack of real change even though I know real change takes the respect of time. Worried, too. Worried as it seems the world around us is spiraling down faster and faster into the abyss that our use of technology seems to be causing.

DONE with how all of it is allowing us to fall into a lifestyle of reactivity that often translates to unhealthy, unkind, disrespectful words and actions.

It seems to me we are experiencing a profound loss of dignity in so many areas. Human caused; technology driven.

If our use of all things digital allows us and our children to spin to such depths, exposes us at length to both emotionally and physically harmful things, allows us to say and do things so unkind, so disrespecftul, then ENOUGH. We can and MUST do better. Our children are counting on us. Our world needs us to. Each one of our friends, neighbors, schools, communities, etal, rely on every single one of us to do better.

I KNOW we can become clear on what kind of place (or maybe no place) we want digital devices to have in our child’s life. This includes age appropriate boundaries, clear intention, developmentally appropriate uses, understanding what does help grow healthy children and build healthy relationships. For all things digital is here to stay and we need to figure this out. NOW.

I KNOW we adults can say NO to inappropriate use; role model appropriate use; be intentional with how to and when to introduce anything digital; teach children age-appropriate safety around all of it. We need to. Right now. It begins with all of us pausing, considering, educating ourselves, then being intentional with the steps we take–for ourselves and our children. And no, it’ll never be perfect, but it sure can be better and healthier.

I KNOW we can recognize that opening the Pandora’s Box of the Digital World too soon for our kids can lead to both us and our children feeling out of control and overwhelmed. Many of us experience that already. Easy, at times, to just ignore it all and let it keep spinning out of control. Until we experience a loss that may be hard to overcome.

A loss such as our dignity.

I KNOW we can see how, as we either unwittingly or under pressure succumb to “what everyone else is doing,” or feeling an increasing need to be constantly connected, or trying to calm OUR anxiety over our child not being fully connected socially or totally adept at all things digital ASAP, we are actually undermining so much of what makes us healthy, our relationships healthy. What in the world are we doing?

I am increasingly discouraged by…

…the enormity of trying to find what works to educate, empower, or just merely encourage parents as they do the very important job of parenting well and positively and health-fully. And this very much includes becoming aware of how our digital device use is influencing our lives–both positively and negatively. In relationship-building and relationship-depleting ways.

…hearing of and seeing an increasing amount of sexting, social media bullying, anxiety issues and depression among even our youngest students.

…the reality that many people continue to interact so disrespectfully to their children, to each other, to their animals, to themselves. Sometimes purposefully, but more often because they just are unaware of the impact of their actions. And it is this lack of awareness that concerns me and seems to be amplified by our being engulfed by all things digital.

…the increasing number of kids receiving smart phones long before they need one or are developmentally ready to manage them. Somehow we are all on the same page about driving at 16–or older–but cannot seem to get a handle on when our kids should have the world at their fingertips.

…the speed and pressure we allow our culture to impose on us. Faster, better, more, sooner RARELY makes for healthy, centered, strong, connected relationships and living well. Rarely.

…what feels like the lack of ACTION despite all that I KNOW we are aware of and feel.

…championing all things appreciative, joyful, connected, healthy, relationship building, affirming, calm, pause-filled…yet continuing to see how many are caught up in just the opposite.

I find myself tired, discouraged, truly concerned and at times DONE. It is the fairly constant stories of yet another child devastated over, say, sexting and photos being shared all around school or the violence that ends up harming and killing students or the overwhelming anxiety so many of our teens are feeling that has me feeling like throwing in the towel.

It is seeing how the current political discourse that social media and digital device use has amplified (remember my mantra of What You Focus on Grows?) has spiraled us into depths many of us were unaware existed, or ever believed we’d actually experience ever in our lives. Ugly. So much of it.

It is time to take charge of our digital choices and take

back our dignity, living our lives with respect, kindness, and integrity through and through.

I am eternally grateful for my friend and colleague, Rhonda Moskowitz of Practical Solutions Parent Coaching who CAN make sense of all of this and actually step in and help parents already overwhelmed with all things digital and smart phones with their children. Thank goodness for her.

Thank goodness for Rachel Stafford of The Hands Free Revolution whose work always inspires the joy of simplicity.

Thank goodness for Janet Lansbury who continually champions RESPECT for our youngest that ripples up all the way to our eldest.

Thank goodness for The Children’s Screen Time Action Network and all the parents, educators, and other professionals and advocates who have joined together, working hard to promote a healthy childhood for all children through the necessary management of our technology use.

Thank goodness for L. R. Knost of Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources whose personal journey she shares with such honest and gentle passion, always speaking of the loving connection our children and each of us need the most in order to thrive. True dignity in the face of one of life’s ultimate challenges.

Thank goodness for the many others out there of whom I could spend all day listing that are making a real difference. Today I pass the torch to them, for I am discouraged, worried, even exhausted by it all and could use a bit of lifting, myself. What we focus on grows–help me help YOU to focus on all that is life affirming, appreciative, and JOY-filled. Share with me something joyful. Something you are doing more of or differently that lifts you. Something you have discovered is working well for you and your children.

**MOST importantly, share with me a step YOU are taking to take charge of your digital choices and devices. Will you…**

…have an intentional conversation with your children about technology–including safety issues, inappropriate marketing, it’s impact on their health and development?

…remove apps from your phone that distract and detract from your relationships and daily life?

…contact your school administrations and request HEALTHY use of technology in our schools? Follow up as needed with sharing pertinent research that can be easily found via sources such as www.screentimenetwork.org?

…practice a PAUSE as you find yourself wanting to react to, tweet, share, comment, post on all things challenging within our political world, and instead respond–respectfully and clearly–about the importance of DIGNITY, integrity, and respect among all our leaders; all of us; all our communities? Our children are watching and learning from all of us.

…connect with other parents to encourage each other as you explore and create the healthy boundaries and balance our children need with digital devices? Together, as a “village”, you can truly feel empowered.

…preserve all meal times as screen-free times, reclaim conversation and listening skills, and discover a growing and deeper connection with your family members? Now you can live, right there at the dinner table, the dignity, respect, kindness we all want more of in our world…and this will naturally extend into all areas of your life, impacting others all around you.

THIS is a call to action.

Share with me how YOU are working at changing the course of our lives and world by actions YOU are taking. It is time.

Respectfully and gratefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A Beautiful Moment

May 23, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

A Beautiful Moment.

A mama, a curly-haired four-year-old boy, a beach, and a talk.

What caught my eye? First the boy, happily and busily marching up and down and up and down a great-big-to-him log on the beach. Pausing to JUMP into the sand…check out the waves…back up onto the log…sandy hands and all.

Next, the mama. Calm. Present. Quiet. Available.

Mr. Four was being given such a lovely space to BE. To move, think, imagine, connect on his own terms, in his own way.

Up the log he’d go…met by Mama with a twinkle in her eye. Maybe a few words exchanged, maybe not. It all depended on if Mr. Four had something to say.

Down the log he went. JUMP into the sand. Study intently the incoming tide.

I paused…watched…and then noticed and appreciated out loud to this mama the gift she was giving her son to just BE. And as you can imagine, this moment I paused became a Beautiful Moment.

A moment filled with sharing the power of connecting meaningfully, deeply. A moment filled with how life changing parenting is, how it calls to us to GROW, from the inside out. How, when we pause, calm ourselves, work first at growing our ability to feel centered and content to the best of our ability, our parenting changes, our children change.

Anxiety evaporates. Connection grows.

“Discipline” and “Punishment” become what they are supposed to be–a gentle, firm guidance done through calm connection, appreciation, and real JOY.

And yes, this is quite different from parenting permissively. You can explore my blog and “Parenting Well No Matter the Label” for more on that.

A Beautiful Moment of considering the power of parenting and living from the calm, centered, connected, affirming, appreciative, loving place focused on guiding children in empowering ways. She’s come to it along her path of discovery; I, too. And all my sharing with each of you is with the intent to help you grow this direction, also.

Just think what the world could be like if each and every one of us strengthened our ability to PAUSE, consider, appreciate. To grow our trust in life and growth and really listened to our inner selves, ultimately feeling steady and strong.

Just think how the next generation of children could more likely thrive as they grow in an environment filled with a real sense of security, of love, of being valued and appreciated for who they are, shown with care and gentleness and a steady assurance how to be, to grow, to live.

Just think. This mama and me? We felt the importance of our “chance” meeting. We both, I believe, parted feeling encouraged, affirmed, lifted. I did, absolutely.

And Mr. Four? Oh he was busily going down the log, up the log, and down again. Intermittently telling me about the Redwood Trees he and his stuffed dog were going to see, how the tide was coming in, how fast he can go, the adventures he’d been on and was going on, the special tires on his toy car, that he was 1-2-3-FOUR…!

What a delight. Thank you to this Mama who gave me a PAUSE to consider with care some of what we shared. Thank you to this Mama for the Beautiful Moment that has had me smiling all day long. And thank you to the curly haired Mr. Four who sparkled as he delighted in all things BEACH.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Make Room for More JOY

May 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

Today, PAUSE.

Look around. Watch your children. Notice all that is happening, working, going well or better, brings a smile to your face, has you feeling hopeful, energized, lifted. Notice…and actively appreciate. Out loud. To yourself. In a note. Face to face.

One mama told me recently how when she first spoke with me she was feeling ever-so-frustrated, upset, sure that NOTHING was going right, that she was a lousy parent and her kids full of trouble.

And then she took a week. A week to observe, to intentionally look for and notice what WAS working, going better, could be appreciated. She let go of trying to “make it better”, to fix things, to do all those things others tell you you need to do in order to “straighten everybody up” and “keep everyone in line.” And yes, all the while still actively engaged with her kids.

Truly a PAUSE.

You know what happened? She returned to me and shared what a real difference this made for her–she noticed all the little things that left her smiling and realizing her kids COULD get along, were helpers, family time together was often full of fun and good feelings, that she herself could be patient, gentle, respectful, calm and connected.

The best thing? She spoke of how clear she got as to what really DID need to change AND how she felt energized to do so.

This is what PAUSE can do for you.

PAUSE, at its basic, helps you through heated moments from a relationship-building place. And when it is taken further–as with this mama–it becomes the space from which you see more clearly, respond more authentically and productively, feel energized and empowered to create the positive and productive change you want.

So this weekend, look, really LOOK and see the little things that are happening within your family and elsewhere that show the kindness, care, compassion, joy, connection, cooperation, collaboration, respect we want to be experiencing and want our children to learn and emulate.

What we focus on grows.

Let’s look for just what it is we want more of. Notice, appreciate, and let JOY in. It’s there for the taking and the sharing.

Choose to follow my work as we join together to create the real, positive, and meaningful change we want to see in the world.

Need a smile to get you started? Check out Simple Moments…

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
©2018 Alice Hanscam

L-O-N-G Waits in Line…

May 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of connection, creativity, and all things relationship building for you from a wonderfully simple perspective.

A family. Two children, ages 8 and 10, and their parents. A long line awaiting entrance to a way-cool castle in Scotland. Think crowds of tour bus folk, general tourists, a small space, and castle ruins just yonder. Oh, and the heat. So very hot.

And think “buff.” You know, those scarf-like things we can wear around our necks for warmth? The 10-year-old boy had one (despite the heat!)…I’ll get back to the buff soon:

“How much l-o-n-g-e-r do we have to WAIT, dad????”

“Ten minutes until the ticket office opens!”

“That’s too LOOOOONNNNGGGG!”

Okay. So we’ve all been here. Whining and fidgety kids, crowds of people, hot weather and lengthy wait times. Here’s what I noticed, heard, and eventually went directly to the parents and appreciated out loud:

Dad, “Would you like to set the timer?” “

Boy, “YES! Can I choose the sound???”

And son and father took out the phone–the ONLY time I saw anything device oriented come out–and together they went through sounds until the boy chose one and the timer was set. Respectful–dad appreciating how hard it can be and providing a solid framework for his son to wait by–ultimately giving his son the opportunity to be in control of that very long 10 minutes . No “Quit whining!” or “It’s only 10 minutes, be patient!”

Just a quiet affirmation of how waiting can

be hard by offering up a simple way to wait successfully;

to actually learn to BE patient.

Sister and brother began to wander a bit…went over to the sign and read it out loud to each other. They twirled. Poked around the ticket booth. Pushed each other playfully. Mom and dad watched from the line, quietly. Kids returned to mom and dad and quizzed them a bit about castle questions. Whining was forgotten, quiet exchanges took place, and the kids were given the space to just be kids. Talk about communicating trust in their ability to manage their selves–both by being able to wait in a crowd of people as well as to entertain themselves…

And then the buff antics began. My daughter noticed the boy’s buff and, just as the boy was getting a bit agitated once again regarding how L-O-N-G the wait was, said, “Buffs are so cool! Did you know you can make a hat with it??”

And the play began. The buff was turned into a hat, a mask, a chance to be “backwards and invisible” as the kids pulled their buffs up over their heads and wore their dark glasses on the backs of their heads. Giggles galore. Then it was my daughter showing them how nordic skiers use buffs with hats included. Then it was how far the buff could s-t-r-e-t-c-h and be pulled and go inside out and outside in. Mom and dad laughed and shared their ideas. Sister worked hard at using her headband in the same way. My daughter and the kids were totally engaged–conversation, fun, creative ideas. Those became the quickest “10 minutes” ever. And we all enjoyed the wait in line!

And then later, as we toured the castle ruins, what did I notice? How easily engaged each child was with their exploring, learning, asking questions. How mom and dad answered questions quietly, asked new ones, and generally let their kids lead the way as they wove in and out of people, walls, paths, twisty old stair cases.

The respect for what their kids were curious about and the respect their kids had for what mom and dad were curious about was a delight to see.

What stood out was how comfortable they all were.

How present and focused and truly listening to each other they were. And two kids who really managed themselves well–fidgets and whining included. I went up to mom and mentioned how I noticed and appreciated this…and that I also appreciated the lack of digital devices and instead real time, face to face interactions. Her response? “We really think less is better…and it is ever so hard to do so with so many of their friends getting smart phones….”

We shared a bit about the importance of being intentional with our use of all things digital so that we can more likely grow healthier relationships, brains and lives.

I shared how awesome it was that they had thought ahead of all-things-digital and decided what they wanted the most––the kind of relationships they were now experiencing. Connected. Respectful. Kids who managed themselves well and could be restless, fidgety, engrossed in their own ideas and play. She shared how it makes it easier knowing what they really want for their kids…and how good it feels to be appreciated for the hard work they are doing to live just what they believe. Talk about building healthy brains!

Connection, creativity, presence, all things relationship-building. It really can be simple. It really can start with a buff .

We really CAN give our kids the space and respect

to just be without always taking responsibility for filling their time or calming our own anxiety over their antics by

distracting them with a screen.

What a gift to our kids when we become truly intentional with how we use our phones, our iPads, our computers–with how we decide NOT to use them.

Today, take time to put digital devices aside. Head outdoors. Get a pile of books to read. Build a fort and climb inside. Cook. Swim. Dig in the dirt. Twirl. Or get your buffs out and see what its like to make yourself “backwards and invisible” with a pair of sunglasses propped on the back of your head.

Most importantly, connect.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

BOOM you went!

April 16, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and always enjoyed…

An exchange overheard between a young Godmother and her 17-month-old godson following a slip and a boom onto his bottom: “You slipped! I can see it surprised you…” PAUSE. Toddler busy processing and deciding whether to cry or not.

“Boom, you went onto your bottom. See? You slipped on the water right here.” PAUSE. The tears began.

“Ohhh, it surprised you and you are sad.” PAUSE. “Would you like to keep going downstairs?” The tears got a bit louder. “Do you need to go check-in with Mama?”

YES his little head nodded as his sobs got louder. Up he went into her arms, she talking soothingly as she brought him to his Mama.

What did I appreciate?

Her gentleness. Her respect for letting him take time to decide just how this experience had him feeling. Her outward comfort in his discomfort–giving him the opportunity to explore his feelings, to feel safe and accepted.

It was a lovely moment to overhear…so very kind and respectful.

Here’s what else I appreciated…the waiting Mama who heard the fall, boom, and gentle conversation. She paused, listened, and stayed put and out of sight while she respectfully let her 17-month-old and his Godmother work through the moment. What a way to communicate confidence in her son and her friend–relationship building on all fronts. Difficult to do, wait out of sight as your little one hurts. That confidence it communicates? It also speaks of how capable her little guy is becoming.

Instead of jumping up to “make it all better” and communicating “You need me in order to manage your feelings–you need me to rescue you”–Mama AND Godmother, because of their ability to PAUSE and sit through his upset, communicated clearly that they KNEW he can feel strongly AND be okay.

What a way to nurture more of what is truly wanted–a capable, confident child.

Take time today to look around and notice and appreciate something another is doing–whether it is something to delight in or a something difficult getting worked through. And this includes appreciating your self :-).

Appreciation. It is powerful. It creates

positive change all on its own.

If you like “Noticed and Appreciated” posts, here’s another for you: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/26/noticed-and-appreciated-stuffed-guys/

Make it great today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Appreciate Your Child!

April 1, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

What could be different if we ‘just’ appreciated our child–right now, as they are, who they are, no matter what they are doing?

Instead of trying so hard to make our child into something WE want, what could be different if we welcomed, embraced, accepted, walked alongside them, showed them rather than forced, pushed, changed, stood over them trying to get them to do it our way…the ‘better’ way…the less-embarrassed-way…the way that makes US proud?

PAUSE today and look for something you can appreciate about your child–no matter how they are choosing to behave. Intentionally look. Maybe it is:

…how strongly they stand in their conviction (vs seeing them as stubborn and rebellious)

…how your teen chooses to buy only 2nd hand clothing (despite the fact they spend so much money doing so)

…the effort your little one made to wash their hands, even if their face is still covered with sticky stuff

…how freely your child lets you know how they are feeling…especially in public places… 🙂

…how your little one is working hard at becoming more independent (yes, via lots and lots of testing!)

…how they save their biggest upset just for you–a sign of feeling truly safe with you.

…how they slept in their own bed for an entire hour (rather than getting totally disgruntled over the continual wake ups the rest of the night!)

…how they got 50% of their spelling test correct, rather than initially bemoaning that they failed.

...how creative they can be with their clothing choices (even as you cringe over the outfit put together…)

…how kind and caring they are as they, once again, stop your progress on your adventure to pet another critter, talk to a baby, help a child who is sad, rescue a worm from being squished.

…how decisive and persistent they can be as they insist on ‘doing it themselves’ (even though it takes f.o.r.e.v.e.r)

Today, look first for and discover something you can appreciate about your child.

Do it BEFORE (or at the same time!) you stop them, follow through on a consequence, let those buttons that were pushed get the best of you. Let what you can appreciate change how you see your child. Then notice what is different for you–how you feel, how your child responds, how a situation unfolds a bit more positively or less intensely, or how maybe it is just YOU feel better about it all no matter how your child feels.

And especially, notice how your relationship feels stronger, better, more connected, maybe even lighter and more joyful. Pay attention and appreciate, for what we focus on grows. Let’s intentionally put our attention to all that we want more of!

I think you may be delighted in what shifts.

Story Time! Two young boys…

March 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you that I hope puts a smile on your face!

Two boys, ages 4 and 6. A mom who works from home. A dad who travels regularly. A new dog, a small and somewhat (!!) effective fenced yard. And a family who takes screen time and makes it minimal time. Oh, and balls. Lots and lots and lots of balls. Add in two relatively unknown visitors landing at their home–“Uncle” Mike and Alice (yup, me!). Two nights and two days and so much to appreciate!

What did I notice and appreciate?

The natural reservation of Mr. 6-year-old. Watching and absorbing these two visitors…and then discovering with total glee that “Uncle” Mike would play ball no matter the rain outside. The abundance of hugs from Mr. 4-year-old who raced outside along with his brother to bat and throw and run and laugh.

Two very different approaches and both honored and respected. No pushing for Mr. 6-year-old–he was always given time to warm up on his OWN time. Equally so was the matter-of-fact welcoming of all the hugs his brother liked to give others…no extra attention to one way of being or another. Just both accepted, respected, enjoyed. Sometimes puzzled over…

Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.

And when the ball(s) couldn’t be found? No worries. There was always another ball to use! Then there was the “toss the ball” game, way up high in the air, calling out each other’s names to run and catch and tag. A football and a soccer ball appeared next and yet another game of catch and giggles and running and wrestling matches followed. Always wrestling matches.

Indoors? It was Alice’s camera-–you know, the kind that only takes photos and has only a viewfinder? Remember those? Each boy had many-a-turn slinging the strap over their necks (“I’ll be careful, Alice!”) and working at using a viewfinder–Mr. 6 figured it out immediately and of course his favorite photo he took was of his dog’s rear end… 🙂 Fits of giggles!

Mr. 4? Oh the difficulty of squinting and viewing just through that little window at the top of the camera–yet his delight in all his photos–whether they were of the ceiling or the floor or a partial body caught accidentally as he clicked away. Never was he disappointed or frustrated--he just kept working at figuring out the view finder. Talk about persistence!

I know what struck me the most as I delighted in my time with this young family…

The calm nature of mom even when she was stressed and how her calm permeated everything. She works on this, by the way. It is the gift of growing your ability to PAUSE.

The space for the boys to just, well, be boys.

The simplicity of the play that always unfolded as a result of no screens. Playing catch outside, running running running, pushing toy planes around on the kitchen floor, working with my camera, and always weaving throughout their play the wrestling matches.

What a gift to these boys that Mom and Dad have intentionally kept things simple.

What a way to grow intrinsically motivated, problem solving,

**creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life.** Truly capable and competent.

And yes. There are frustrations. Plenty. From “NO. I don’t WANT to” to all the NOISE of BOYS and a mama just tired of it all. From Dad still discovering that telling his 6-year-old to do something doesn’t work quite as well as asking him what he can do. Especially when they are trying to get out the door on time.

Then there was Mr. 4’s attempt to carry the dog in his kennel down the stairs. That ended in tears. And everyone, dog included, okay. But really, all that was about was his excitement in sharing their new addition, their dog, with “Uncle” Mike and Alice! Excitement and belief in his capable and competent self.

A story to hopefully put a smile on your face.To remind you of how important simple things are for kids. To encourage you a bit more in letting your child(ren) just be. To play. To have balls and sticky notes and a real camera on occasion. And to work hard at PAUSING and breathing and maybe just sitting and folding laundry as the chaos surrounds you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Applesauce and Goodbyes

February 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed:

~ The 6-year-old boy at the store scrutinizing the apples, choosing with care the one he wanted, for he had decided to make applesauce. As I paused to watch, his patient, smiling, quietly watching mom said he had read the ingredients on the back of his favorite applesauce snack, and decided he wanted to make this all on his own. So apples it was…and a banana, as well.

I so appreciated mom respecting her son’s idea, giving him the opportunity to figure it out, supporting him along the way. I’ll bet some delicious home-made applesauce (maybe with a dollop of ice-cream!) was enjoyed at home that night! What a way to grow a confident, capable, competent young man.

~ The rather harried yet outwardly calm mom with three energetic boys full of beans in the grocery store. Two were marching along fairly involved with the shopping, one had decided to start a melt-down. “I don’t WANT to walk…I don’t WANT to be in the cart…I don’t WANT…”

Mom quietly and calmly let him know he could cool his jets and continue helping out, or ride in the cart. “I don’t WANT to…” and jelly legs began. Up he went as mom matter-of-factly picked him up and negotiated the now ACTIVE legs into the cart, buckled him in, and began to put her attention elsewhere.

What a way to communicate “You can count on me to keep it together no matter what you do” to her son–a powerful way to help him feel secure and grow the trust so necessary for healthy relating. What a way to communicate her confidence in his ability to ultimately learn more about managing himself--another powerful message that helps him help himself.

I tapped her on the shoulder and let her know how I noticed her ability to stay calm and what a gift this was to her son. Her response? A relieved and grateful smile and, “It can be so HARD at times…” YES. It sure can be. All the more reason to notice and appreciate parents as they navigate the hard–whether they are also falling apart or able to keep it together. It is to be appreciated

~ The 25 and 22-year old young adults taking intentional time to have special time and good-byes with their little friends—a 6-year-old and a 1-year-old. Both young adults were heading off to college and grad programs; both little ones will miss them. The first grader brought a bag FULL of college study snacks–granola bars, fruit snacks, chocolate, home-made trail mix…yum. And the hugs he and his favorite babysitter exchanged will last a semester! Not to mention the cards and letters they mail to each other…

The one-year-old knew little about leaving on jet planes, but he sure knew a lot about great big hugs, open-mouthed-ready-to-eat-you kind of kisses, and sticky good-bye waves. He topped it off with blowing kisses to his 25 and 22-year-old friends, copying their every move as they, too, blew them right back.

I so appreciated the time and attention given to these blossoming relationships–what a way to connect meaningfully, to fill one’s bucket, to love another. These young adults and their little friends? They are off to a solid start for building and enjoying wonderful relationships with each other.

Take time today to pause, notice, appreciate, and hopefully enjoy what unfolds for you or nearby you. Intentionally look for relationship building moments others are engaged in. Appreciate them–out-loud or just to yourself, it all counts. Encourage another parent who is in the midst of challenge. Take an extra moment to connect with a child. Notice what puts a smile on your face!

What we focus on grows, so let’s focus on appreciation and joy.

What a way to feel uplifted and energized even in the midst of the chaos of parenting .

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All During Preschool Drop-off…

February 1, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Moments caught and enjoyed today…

…The bright eyed 3.5 year old sharing with me her “sharing bag” for preschool. “I brought my ball!! Daddy blew it up cuz it was squishy and now it is hard…” all while squeezing extra hard the round shape tucked in her preschool sharing bag. “My muscles are growing!!” And off she danced carrying her bundle down the hall, eyes all a-twinkle…

…The toddler trooping in alongside brother and friend and mama to drop them off at preschool...his head cranked backwards as he found everything BEHIND him of much greater interest then what was in front of him. Tripping, plopping, up and trooping, always always with his head turned backwards… 🙂

…The HUGS as new-found-friends are re-discovered once again, as only preschoolers can do. The DELIGHT with which they greet each other leaves one thinking it had been years…rather than a day or two!

…The papas and mamas who all stopped in front of the preschool’s info board to read to their children what was happening in class that day. “Elephant valentines!” And off they’d go musing over just what an elephant valentine might be…

…The cling-on preschooler as mama tried to extract herself...“I see a post office! Would you like to go work on some letters to mail there? Or maybe bounce on the mini tramp…” Her efforts were seemingly futile as her child continued to wrap her arms around her legs, fussing and whining…until…ZOOM a buddy went zipping by on a trike and off went the little girl to climb on another trike and join in on the driving-round-and-round fun…and mama left with a smile on HER face!

…The mama of twin toddlers who, following drop off of her older child, took the necessary moments to sit with them in the free play area and let them explore. What a delight watching them immerse themselves, mama fully present and quietly watching…and then when it really was time to go, they agreeably trotted off and out the door. Despite the fact mama had a ton of errands to run and a tight time frame, she knew by pausing long enough to give them their time, HER time would go so much better :-).

Moments caught and enjoyed as preschool drop off continued. Boots being stomped to get the fresh snow off, lots of questions and conversations shared even as parents were rushing, turns taken as every single child wanted to be the door-opener-button-pusher. What a wonderful way to start MY day…so many smiles.

Enjoy your day! I am.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Appreciate Yourself

December 4, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A PAUSE today to send out appreciation to each of you as you:

…yet again shove shoes on your uncooperative child to get them out the door with the hopes of being no later than you already are…

…stumble through your day following another sleep deprived night

…choose to let your baby cry safely in their crib for a few minutes while you take a much needed and deserved FAST hot shower

…marvel at your ability to catch the falling glass, rescue the pacifier from your dog’s mouth, put yourself between your fighting kids, and STILL keep a calm voice in the midst of it all…not to mention the gymnastics required to do all of this

…plunk your kids in front of a DVD so you can actually breathe for a short while (and maybe get dinner started…or put your feet up?)

...find yourself heating up as your teen rolls their eyes, shrugs their shoulders, uses THAT tone of voice

…successfully plan ahead for all potential ’emergencies’ before heading out on errands and to the park–you know, the snacks are made, the extra clothes packed, water bottles filled, baby wipes remembered, your wallet tucked where it needs to be…

…choosing to order pizza or nuke leftovers for the 3rd night this week–maybe with a few carrot sticks alongside. Maybe.

…actually have a twinkle in your eye as your toddler does the testing only toddlers can do

…manage week number three of illness running through your household–more runny noses, fevers, grumpy kids, throw-up to clean up, doctor appointments…and how you’ve put aside any or all of your original plans for these weeks as you focus solely on getting everyone back on their feet. Exhausting.

…open your arms to your wailing preschooler, giving them a safe place to feel their great big sad.

…wonder how you are going to make it through another day of crazy-busy…and then discover at the end of the day you did just that–made it through!

Appreciate your self. Find the gifts in it all–the chaos, the mad, the frustration, the twinkles, the successes, the challenges, the laughter. Appreciate your resilience, your efforts at planning, your compassion. Appreciate the time you carve out just for you so you can parent well–even if that means plugging your kids in for a bit or taking an extra minute in the hot shower while your little one cries.

Appreciate how TOUGH this parenting job can be and that you are still in it, moving through each day, juggling the often overwhelming nature of it all. Appreciate how you get daily (hourly!) opportunities to strengthen your patience, calm, creative, pause muscles. Appreciate the opportunities for do-overs…or those moments you actually stop yourself in the midst of blowing up, pause, reflect, and try again. Appreciate the deep caring all of this reflects–the deep caring and commitment you have for your children. What a gift.

What an amazing role model you can be for your children. Know this. And appreciate all your work. PAUSE today and give yourself a hug in your minds-eye. Wrap yourself up in your arms, tell yourself some things you are appreciating about yourself, and cherish YOU.

Appreciation out to each of my readers as you embrace your parenting journey today…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

To All Parents…

October 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“You should tell him NO. He’s being so disrespectful!”

“Just don’t LET her talk back to you! She should know better…(and so should you!)”

“I’m just so TIRED. And confused. How do I get my kids to listen and cooperate?”

“When YOU were little we never let you get away with that!”

“You should…you better…of you don’t…you should do what I did…MY kids don’t…”

Sage advice from Grandma, your best friend, a neighbor…given rather freely and done to help you get through something difficult–and you have tried it all. You’ve tried to be patient like they’ve said. You’ve tried sticking to certain consequences, making certain rules, forcing them to comply. You’ve read books, followed parenting Facebook pages, tried to copy other parents you are impressed by.

You wonder if you are doing it all wrong…or that you are just a lousy parent and should just throw in the towel and live with the way it is, no matter how crummy it feels. Just live with the overwhelmed, frustrating, TIRED. Just live with your buttons constantly getting pushed, yelling the name of the game, guilt swallowing you whole at times.

Sound familiar? Here’s the good news: You CAN feel better.

This is why I do the work I do. Check out both of my books and my blog. Why?

Because my work is less about advice and way more about DISCOVERY followed by positive and meaningful CHANGE. Discovering what really is working well for you and your children. Looking at things from a different vantage point that can leave you feeling encouraged…empowered…even inspired to create the change you want the most (and definitely putting more smiles on your face).

My work is about growing your ability to tap into what works for YOU and your children–rather than what works for your neighbor, grandma, your best friend–or me! To tap into YOUR strengths, appreciate YOUR child’s abilities, and create the positive and productive and meaningful change you really want.

To feel confident you are parenting WELL.

My books are filled with stories of others walking a similar path as you and will leave you feeling inspired (and relieved!).

They are filled with do-able and practical steps that can be tailored to fit you and the way you do things. They can be the “partner” you need to work alongside you to build the kind of family life and relationships you truly want rather than telling you what to do.

They are warm, encouraging, easy to read, and can leave you feeling far more confident and clear and empowered along your journey as a parent. And just think! I’m a Facebook or blog message away as you have questions, stumble, work hard, want to share….

“Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

“PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”

“Parenting Through Relationship; Ideas and inspiration to help you be the parent you intend to be”

Know that both are written so only a few minutes of reading before you fall sound asleep is enough to leave you feeling the support and encouragement you need the most. Real and lasting change takes time and deserves the respect of time. So take time today–spend a few minutes reading…that’s all.

You CAN feel better. What a gift to your children!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Getting Lost in Lego!

October 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

I recently had the great pleasure and privilege of watching a two-year old get totally immersed in…

LEGO.

I know, Lego is for a bit older child. Lego is tricky to manipulate for little hands. Lego is a choking hazard. But here’s the deal, this toddler? I know him. Just as you know yours. I know what he can and cannot do and he had my full presence as he discovered the container of Lego on my shelf. Safety was not a concern. Frustration over little pieces not a concern, either, for I knew this little guy. He has always been allowed to work on his own on things his way–and frustration rarely occurs. He seems to always manage to figure things out…or ask for help when he’s ready. So Lego it was.

Lego. Not the kind that is only “in a kit” that makes certain things. I’m talking the Lego that is all jumbled together full of magical pieces and shapes and the gateway to all things imaginative and creative.

Here’s what I noticed…and so thoroughly enjoyed! We were looking for “a guy” to sit in a toy tractor I had. Down came the long plastic box of mixed up Lego. Mr. Two’s eyes got just a bit wider.

His hands went in and did just what I remembered doing as a child–swimming through all the pieces…back and forth…listening to that wonderful sound of crackles and clicks and shuffles and however Lego sounds to you. Mr. Two discovered “a guy.” This guy had a helmet on his head–“Just like Papa!” Mr Two exclaimed.

The Guy fit into the tractor…but back to that magnetic draw of a container of Lego. Swish swish went his hands. “More guys!” as he discovered other “peoples” and their various hats. Then…”A PLANE!” as he pulled out a creation built by a certain 7-year-old in my life. “No propeller…” and back into the box he swished….

Mr. Two explored and swished and worked and talked and got totally immersed and lost in this Lego for the better part of an hour.

Just think–totally lost in.

Thinking his own thoughts, using his hands, coming up with his own ideas, listening and imagining and creating.

Real learning. REAL learning. This is so essential for our children!

Time to get lost in their play. Hands on, sensory and language rich (oh, how he was talking, using new words, asking questions, musing to himself…), relationship based (I was near and available) play.

So LEGO it is at my house. I know, without a doubt, when Mr. Two returns, he will once again seek out my container of Lego, plunk himself down, swish his way through, and do the work of a child. Including filling up that tractor we started with with all the Lego that can fit in its trailer. Now THAT is a puzzle for a two-year-old.

What a gift to a child.

Lengthy time to get immersed in their work.

PLAY.

Today, find the space and time to give YOUR child an opportunity to do their work. At length. Lost in and immersed and thinking their own thoughts. Hands on. What a way to build healthy brains…healthy relationships…healthy everything.

Said with a huff, “Parents these days!”

September 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Said with a huff, “Parents these days! They are doing SUCH a poor job…”

Or maybe (and equally with a huff), “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”

Or perhaps, “In MY day we knew how to make our kids behave!”

And off go the adults huffing and puffing…and on go the kids being anywhere from over-the-top challenging to as typical as typical can be…

…and sink-into-an-embarrassment hole goes mom or dad, or maybe just the opposite as their blood pressure goes over-the-top just like the kids…

And THEN…well? Who knows. Maybe everyone gets moved along their way as if nothing is happening–hush hush, now, let’s go. Or maybe mom or dad try ever so hard to get their child to “behave.” Or maybe everyone blows. None of it very pretty. Or effective.

Or encouraging.

And this is where I’m going. It feels pretty awful to have others throwing comments your way or even just thinking them that are all about CRITICISM. And really, isn’t this way more about the critical adult’s discomfort over what seems to be less than wonderful behavior? Discomfort over something they’d LIKE to control and can’t?

I think so. Discomfort that can feel like frustration. Or embarrassment for another, and hence yourself since you now feel embarrassed you are embarrassed. Or maybe just plain anger. And it is expressed verbally, critically, often in what seems to be a “light” manner with that nudge nudge don’t you agree or an eye-roll, or sarcasm.

Consider this. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes support, encouragement, understanding, compassion, extra hands, more time than you ever realized, lots of self-care…

Criticism offers none of these. Appreciation offers all of them. I’m done with–and actually rarely participated in, anyway–chuckling and ha-ha-ing a bit with those who say things like that. I’m done with walking away and rolling MY eyes at my husband who knows exactly what I’m thinking. Nope. No more. Because I intend to get much better myself at staying true to what I believe and know…even if discomfort reins.

Said (by me) to those huffing and puffing over “Parents these days!”, “You know, I think parents these days are doing a darn good job with an extraordinarily tough job–and since it takes a village to raise a child, I am sure they’d appreciate any support and encouragement you can give…”

Said (by me) to those declaring, “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”, “You know what, it is really really hard when our child loses it in the store. Seems to me she is working hard at being calm and I think that is exactly what will help the most. I’m going to see if she needs an extra hand…”

Said (by me) to those sure that in THEIR day they did it “right” by “making” their kids behave, “Yep. It’s certainly different now, as we work hard at helping our children grow into independent, self-directed, compassionate adults…” (okay, so I haven’t said that YET, but I’m working on it…)

Encouragement. Appreciation. Support.

Even a quick smile. What a difference for parents when others around them care enough to put aside their own discomfort over what can be a less than wonderful scene and at minimum THINK support, compassion, encouragement.

Even better, offer those needed extra hands, or an appreciative “It’s tough! I get it. Can I help?”, or an understanding smile, or actually step in when kids need to know what they are to do differently, what is expected (like recently in a hummingbird exhibit showing some curious and exuberant children where TO stand and how to be as still as possible as they studied a mama hummingbird in her nest…rather than poking and prodding and bumping and disrupting…) Amazing and rather simple when you think about it when kids are shown what they CAN do rather than be yelled at, yanked, told to quit… Actually, that’s a whole other post to write and its all about what we focus on grows….

Just think what could be different for all of us if we felt and experienced this support and encouragement instead of critical eyes and words when we are most embarrassed, upset, frustrated. Just think.

And just think what our children will learn about their world around them–that we are all in this together, striving to do our best and being better every single day, and that they (and us!) can count on this village to be there for them. No matter what. Helping them become their very best, as well.

How cool would that be? Today, appreciate, first and foremost. I think you’ll like what it can change…and how it feels. I know I do.

How we see the world IS our responsibility

September 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Because of the continual, hard, and often negative news we can be immersed in with media, news sources, struggles within our own communities and families, I reflect often on Mister Rogers, on what we CAN control, on how the work we do to grow ourselves as parents can strengthen us in times of any trouble.

So, with Mister Rogers’ help, let’s focus first on ourselves, consider what we really want for our children and world, and then take responsibility for the actions we take. Let’s respond rather than react. Let’s be clear on what we can and cannot do and take responsibility for all that we can…

We are responsible TO our children, community, world for how each one of us decide to think, feel, and behave. For the kind of environment–physical and emotional–that we provide for our children, for others, for ourselves.

We are responsible FOR how we decide to respond to all that is presented. Reactivity gets us no where fast. It is the “easiest” reaction to something that pushes our button, and then the result becomes the hardest to dig ourselves out of.

Let’s use all the negativity and damage that we are watching unfold almost daily (if you are immersed in the news….) as a way to grow ourselves, from the inside out. To PAUSE. To really think and consider what we truly want for our family, our communities, our world.

And then step into whatever is pushing your button and respond based on just this–what you value the most. This we do have control over–how we decide to think, feel, and act.

It is hard, for it can leave us feeling vulnerable. Yet when we act in alignment with what we believe and know to be right and good from the inside out, then amazing things can happen.

Through the hard comes real and meaningful connection.

Respect. Appreciation and gratitude. Love. Kindness. Growth. Rarely easy. Often messy. Downright scary at times. Loss is a part of this. Compassion comes from it.

So yes, how we are choosing to “see” the world right now IS our responsibility.

Be intentional. Be kind. Be clear and certain and steady. Be a hero. Even if it is “just” for your child. That can be enough. For our children? They are watching, learning, growing–show them the way by staying clear and certain in your integrity.

This we can control.

What we focus on grows and I choose to look at all the yuck we are often buried in through a lens of LIGHT.

Thank you, Mister Rogers.

With deeply felt appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Parenting Success: What You Focus on Grows

August 23, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Recipe for Parenting Success continues…another Essential Ingredient:

What You Focus on Grows

Intentionally put your attention to just what you want more of. Such as…

…how your child happily shares her yummy snacks with you even though she almost NEVER will do that with her brother no matter how often you encourage her to do…it’s the sharing that DOES happen that needs our attention!

..the fact that your 2-year-old did finally fall sound asleep AND in his bed. No matter that it took two exhausting hours–he DID end up in his own bed . And asleep. Definitely focus on that!

...how easily your child listened and packed her own backpack and got her own coat and shoes on and was out the door and in the car…even though it was because it was field trip day at school and she was incredibly excited to get there. She listened, cooperated, and your morning transition went WELL. Something worth focusing on.

…OR how, despite the tantrums and backpack contents spread from here to Timbuktu that required YOU to gather up and that your youngest had to be hauled out to the car, you all got loaded up. Your kids buckled and fussed and moaned but were “ready to go.” THAT is to be focused on…”Thank you for being ready to go.” (I know, by the time you are in the car, you are d-o-n-e with the whole scene. I get that.)

..how you DID create a pause and calm yourself down…albeit near the end of a knock-down-drag-out fight with your teen. At least you ended on a more connected note…and that is to be noticed and appreciated, for really, isn‘t it the connection we ultimately want more of?

…when your little one, after unrolling ALL of the toilet paper quite happily–really, it is a way-cool skill to spin and spin the roll and it really IS delightful to watch how it spills all over the floor–then gathered up bits and pieces to plop into the toilet and flush it down. THAT is to be focused on and absolutely noticed and appreciated out-loud. “You flushed the TP right down the toilet. You know exactly where it goes.”

…the JOY your child gets out of playing board games, even though she gets oh-so-mad when she loses. It’s the joy and the willingness to play that needs our attention.

…how your teen does get his laundry down to the laundry room and into the washer. Maybe it still sits there several days later…maybe you find you dump it out into a pile just to make the point of “Why don’t you FINISH doing your laundry?!”, maybe air-dried and wrinkled clothes are of no bother to him (just to you). The fact is, he got his laundry down and in. THAT is to be noticed!

…how, despite the loud and pushy wrestling match between your kids, and the tears and “MOOOOOM’s” and “Make him STOP!” you actually found yourself being rather matter-of-fact and unswayed by it all. Maybe it was because of the wonderful day you had getting a massage and going on a long and beautiful walk with a friend and that your husband was bringing take-out home for dinner… 🙂 But no matter how easy it was for you to be so calm, you were. THAT is to be focused on. And appreciated!

Here’s the deal. When we become intentional about

finding what IS working and focusing on it, the more it can actually happen.

Children seek attention in the easiest way–and so often we give it for when things go wrong, for those are the loud, frustrating, chaotic moments and they exasperate us. And we let them know–often just as loudly, frustratingly, chaotically.

When our kids are actually doing things cooperatively, when they do listen, are focused and engaged with a friend immersed in their play, getting jobs done without being asked, we tend to ignore it. Oh, we often notice, but if we SAY something we might stir the pot and heavens we don’t want THAT to happen because at least now we have some peace and quiet…

And yet, those are the things we really DO want more of. So we must give them our attention–more so than all the yuck. What we focus on grows.

Let your kids know–often–what it is you notice and appreciate.

Give them attention (maybe after the fact, maybe during) for their ability to share with you, how much fun it is to play games with someone who loves to play them, how they do get their laundry started, can be ready to roll in the morning, put TP where it belongs, that they must feel so well rested after sleeping soundly in their own bed. And give yourself attention and kudos galore for creating the pause to calm down NO MATTER how late into the conflict it arises.

What We Focus on Grows. Always. In time, with patience, with a strengthening PAUSE muscle. This is a mantra to live by.

And it really is an Essential Ingredient in our Recipe for Parenting Success. Another ingredient can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

A Tribute to My Mom

July 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Story Time! 2 Comments

I’ve been reflecting quite a bit since my mother passed this spring.

I find myself thinking about what a powerful influence we are for our children and my mom was for me and my girls. We often are so stressed about what we are doing and how we are doing it when it comes to raising children. Maybe pausing a moment and having me share a few of the things that have left a huge impact on me over time can help YOU pay more attention to some of those little things whether it is for your own child or another in your life.

Because, really, this is all about depositing into healthy, respectful, truly connected relationships. And my mom had a knack for that.

I am grateful for having in my heart forever and for always:

The twinkle in your eyes that you seemed to have every single day as long as I can remember. The twinkle as you lit up each time we saw each other, each time you re-connected with your granddaughters. The twinkle, the smile, the JOY that, as you grew older, came out through tears, as well .

How you never asked me to clean up my room--you just had me shut the door when we had company over . You gave me a space for me to be fully in charge of. I learned a lot from that…(and often reflected on when my own daughters’ rooms could have used a bulldozer to make a path through…)

How you always were someone I could count on to listen and HEAR me, and then offer a bit of wisdom that seemed to always be just right. And if it wasn’t, that was okay, too. I just knew you’d listen. How cool is that? I’m still working on doing that with my girls as well as you did for me.

How you plunked yourself down on my young teen daughter’s bed and admired every single one of her posters–especially enjoying the cute guy ones together…something important to a 14-year-old . And you knew that.

The respect, care, and compassion you showed for all animals--except for maybe that rat that showed up in our toilet bowl. That was rather icky and I still remember that! And how this respect, care, and compassion has rippled out to impact my life and my daughters’ in profound ways.

How you let me stay home from school the day my rabbit died.

How I, as a parent, began reflecting on all YOU did as a parent–wondering often how you and dad actually handled with such grace what I now know to be incredibly stressful, confusing, even scary. And then I try to emulate that…the grace part .

How you built relationships with my girls long-distance. Letters. Cards. Packages. Stories stories stories. And how they both relished these, kept them, and now have them even though you are gone. Thank you for that.

How you knew EXACTLY what my brothers and I were creating in the sandbox–that hole we covered with a bit of paper then sprinkled with sand…and then invited you out to walk across our Treacherous Tiger Trap. You knew, because you watched us from out the kitchen window. But you never gave it away and the good sport you were had you walking tentatively across our Treacherous Tiger Trap…and “falling” in ever so safely. Boy did we think we had you! You really were such a good sport. And you gave us space to play without adult company or seemingly watchful eyes (and constant input). That space? Ever so valuable. Something I absolutely gave your granddaughters.

How you let me lick the cookie dough. Yum. My girls, too. Being up at the counter with you (and my girls with me) cooking and measuring and licking…I still enjoy all things baking! Your granddaughters are, by the way, excellent cooks. See how your influence rippled out?!

The birthday parties and wonderfully creative cakes you made for us! Oh how that was special. So special that I had fun over the years doing the same for my girls. And now they enjoy doing them for others. A legacy from you, for certain.

All the games you played with me when I was little and more recently with my girls, husband, and myself. Your spunk and resolve to learn new games as your memory began to fail..and laugh at yourself as you had to ask and ask again how to play. And card games! I can still see you at our kitchen table with little Becky or little Emily next to you, working hard at fanning out their cards and studying the numbers and colors…all while you sat with them fully present, giving them the time and encouragement they needed to work those rascally cards. Your joy and patience ruled.

How your love for and delight in children influenced me in profound ways. And continues to. My girls, too.

I think, one of the things I’m going to miss the most is sharing all the little and big things we both love about children–from babies’ toes to scrunched up noses to squatting down on chubby legs to study a ladybug to collections of all kinds of things to posters covering walls in bedrooms to the school events when we’d both notice the restless little boy in the back row or the little girl leaning over to whisper really loud to another to those wonderfully proud moments of things won/earned/discovered to you name it and I’m going to miss sharing these with you.

Mostly I just hope that, because of you, I continue to influence my girls and others in similar ways. The work I do is because of you. Maybe that is one of your most important legacies. Work with families to parent well, be lifted, feel empowered, and experience real JOY. And JOY is what you fill my heart with. How cool is that? May I do as you have done–spread JOY.

To all you mamas out there–today, pause and appreciate yourself and all you do–little or big–with your children. Know that you are influencing them in lifelong ways. Be intentional with what you do and how you do it. And always allow yourself a bit of grace for the hard and messy. Then maybe twinkles and light and JOY can step up and lead the way.

And what a difference that can make.

I miss you mom. I treasure all my memories and I am deeply grateful for YOU. I’m glad I’ve shared that with you over the years…

Alice

The NO with all eyes upon you…

July 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

Noticed and appreciated…

The Daddy at the airport attempting to go from point A to point B with a 2.5-year-old intending to STAY PUT at point A.

You know–jello legs, arched back, screaming…and Daddy trying to respectfully just hold her hand and walk. Impossible. Frustrating! Anger-producing at times. Definitely embarrassing out in public.

What did I appreciate? How he PAUSED.

Then how he looked down at his struggling child and just picked her up and moved on to point B. Matter-of-factly, staying quiet, allowing her to continue to arch and kick and scream. “Allowing” is really the wrong word, however. It wasn’t up to him whether she continued on with her upset…so no, he didn’t allow her to continue, he respected her need to do so and gave her the safe space in his arms to BE upset and still do what needed to be done–get to point B.

By the time they reached the seats where their family awaited, she had calmed...and (as only toddlers can) switched from very upset to totally happy 🙂

The daddy’s ability to be calm and matter-of-fact, to take charge in regards to where they needed to go and at the same time not try to make his daughter stop her tantrum spoke volumes to his toddler.

It gave her the secure space (his arms, even as she fought!) to get her mad out, feel accepted, manage herself, and move on. And Daddy had a moment of success–if he was embarrassed and irritated, he didn’t show it and he moved through it–role-modeling for his daughter how HE managed HIS feelings.

And then there was…

The 18-month-old toddler on a recent flight whose favorite word and comment on just about anything was, “No no no no no no no no no…”!!!!

A rather HAPPY “no.” I so appreciated how both his parents PAUSED, took his NOs in stride, never letting it phase them and often just saying, “Oh? You would rather NOT share the seat. Daddy is going to sit down, let’s make room…” Calmly affirming him and still moving forward with just what was expected. Their eye-twinkles, connection, and presence turned what could’ve been a real struggle into a relationship-building, wonderful learning experience.

I especially enjoyed standing in the galley alongside him and his Mama talking about IN the plane and then (as he pointed to the window) OUT of the plane. In and out, in and out, in and out we went, both with words and pointing. His total GLEE over a stranger engaging with him and enjoying HIS game kept a smile on my face all flight long. And then there was the “row row row your boat” song he and I sang that became, “fly fly fly the plane, swiftly across the sky?!” Oh, so much FUN. Delight and eye twinkles all over again.

What is important about both of these stories is the parents’ ability to PAUSE and be calm and fully present with their children

Exhausting, yes, especially while on a long plane ride. Yet the really cool thing? It is sure to set them up for future traveling to become more and more successful. Rather than succumbing in the moment to being embarrassed, exasperated, frustrated, just wanting their child to mind and behave and make the trip “easy”, they rolled up their sleeves, dug in with their patience and showed their little ones what traveling is all about, what is expected, how they can count on mom and dad to listen, understand, and guide them (all with little to no screens, by the way). These parents?

They used the plane trip as an opportunity for the rich learning experience it can be. And calm connection led the way.

Truly relationship-building. And eventually? This makes parenting easier. And it all unfolded atop a PAUSE.

Today, notice and appreciate the hard work you are doing to parent well, to pause, to build relationships, to grow healthy children. Let a PAUSE lead the way in all you do. It really can make all the difference in the world.

PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

So much learning!

June 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

The 11-month-old who has been shown since early on how to use “one finger touches” when touching flowers, fragile instruments, and other special things–his ability to do just this, use one finger, is a delight to see. And it can bring incredible ease to so many of their daily adventures with so much learning happening through-out.

The respectful approach by his mama and papa

to talk to him and show him just what he CAN do is paying off with a little guy easy to go through the day with. A joy!

The college-aged young woman who delighted in the connection she felt with a young man as she talked with him en-route to class. Someone she sees and talks to often…and now, as she so genuinely shared with her mom, she could “feel” and “see” the twinkling of eyes between the two of them . I’m appreciating her willingness and desire to share with her mother–to share the joy over the moment!

The barefoot 15-month-old pushing the child-sized grocery cart through the store, one little step at a time, concentrating ever so hard. I especially enjoyed how he’d pause, choose something from the shelf that his mama pointed out, and plunked it into his cart–grinning from ear to ear as his mama gently encouraged him along.

The willingness of mama to take the time to let her little guy do what is important work for a one-year-old I totally appreciated…and it certainly put a smile on my face!

The 15-month-old foster child (new to his foster family’s home) who went from chasing and grabbing the kitty’s tail and hitting her to using gentle pats–all within a few days of LOTS of patient role-modeling.

The calm, consistent, and

connected approach of the entire family paid off.

The cat? Instead of running to hide, he now purrs and rubs up next to the little guy–the trust that most of the time gentle hands will be used is obvious.

The 3 elementary-aged children trailing alongside their mother in the grocery store...all 3 engaged with the process, mom giving them things to collect and choose, conversation over what fruit to buy and how to choose the freshest vegetables. What a gift to these children! Mom’s full presence, the work shared, food buying learned about, choices and ideas respected. All in a short afternoon of grocery shopping.

So much learning…

So many eye-twinkling and delightful moments

seen as I move through my days. So many relationship building moments witnessed…

Take time today to look around and actively appreciate…notice…and look to what brings a smile to your face and a bit of joy to your day! What we focus on grows…

Here’s another “Noticed and Appreciated” for you: The Simple Pleasures

Make it great today!

Alice

The Emotional Toll of the Physical Effort

April 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

The emotional toll of the physical effort.

Let that sink in a bit. If you’ve ever “crutched” around with an injured foot or leg, or due to recovery from surgery and the inability to use part of your body, then you know the physical effort to do ANY thing is huge.

It is the emotional toll that is so surprising. How grumpiness, depression, tears, just feeling DONE sneaks up and grabs you. How incredibly draining it can be to do just a simple task or how frustrating it can be to take so long to do something seemingly “quick.”

A lot like parenting.

What a huge physical effort–especially in the early years–parenting is. Perpetual motion on the children’s part. Constant work at keeping kids safe, houses put together, schedules maintained, relationships deposited into, negotiations attended to, lack of sleep, lack of showers, running to catch the teetering child on the edge, multi-tasking to the Nth degree as you cook, clean, re-direct, communicate, rescue, play with, wash, throw up your arms in exasperation, pry the cat’s fur out from the death grip of your child’s hands (or maybe pry the brother out from under the other brother), attempt to get to work on time and come home with some semblance of sanity in place to manage the evening that is bound to be chaotic…

Physically parenting is exhausting. And then the emotional toll hits. And climbs. And erupts. We yell. We cry. We feel like lousy parents. We put our selves down constantly with “Why can’t I…if only I…It’s all because of me…” And then the guilt…oh, the guilt!

Talk about an emotional toll. Talk about depleting ourselves even further with the negative and unproductive self-talk that takes over in our heads.

It is time for self-care.

It is time to breathe, to pause, to show yourself the care and compassion you so continually and generously give to your family. It is time to recognize the emotional toll, allow it in, and use it as the gift it can be–to take care of YOU. Or at least to think about the self-care that would feel good if you had the time! That counts, you know–just thinking about it.

It is time to recognize the negative self-talk and switch it up. Not necessarily to the positive, but definitely to the appreciative. And YES, that can be two entirely different things…because you know what? Finding the positives when you are feeling so low often feels impossible. Finding what you can appreciate–even if it is just your attempt at moving forward an iota–is always possible. And empowering.

Here’s what I learned following surgery a while back and immersed in “crutching”and realizing the emotional toll of the physical effort AND remembering how like parenting this can be:

I allowed myself to cry.

I got a bit better at letting my husband know from the get go of the day that I’m starting out sorta down and tired and done.

I gave myself grace as I actively could not switch up my self-talk…but could sit with the idea of wanting to and then wait and watch and end up appreciating what comes my way.

I got better at letting go of cleaning and cooking and all things house–allowing myself a bit more ease. And mess. That mess? It really is okay. And is rarely permanent. Really. There will be a time when a tidier house is a reality. Maybe…

I was reminded that, as I do this, the drag of the emotional toll actually lightens. I can smile. I can appreciate my husband’s sideways look at me knowing he is wondering if he has a basket case on his hands or not :-). I find I notice little things that put a twinkle in my eye or relax me a tad. Like all the birds that are actively taking over our yard, or listening to the neighbor kids tap dance on their back deck. I rediscover a sense of humor (this I know my husband is grateful for!). I reach out to friends and end up sharing and then laughing. I look forward to a certain 9-month-old I get to spend time with…even if I’m just sitting and watching him.

And I begin to feel lifted and lighter and that emotional toll? It dissipates.

You can do this, too. Even in the midst of perpetual motion, chaos, and the mess living with children can be.

Let the emotional toll be your chance to PAUSE, however briefly, and breathe, cry if necessary, acknowledge and appreciate how deeply you feel and care and actively love your family. If you can, take time to do something no matter how small or short, that feels good to YOU. Maybe you can…

…reach down and scratch you kitty or dog’s ears for a bit 🙂

…make a cup of tea using your favorite mug (if you actually get to drink it, it’s a bonus!)

…close your eyes in the car as you sit in the driveway for a moment.

…let go of dinner and pour a bowl of cereal instead.

…stand an extra minute in your hot shower just because you can (a locked bathroom door always an option…).

…plop yourself on the floor in the midst of the MESS and CHAOS and just, well, plop. Maybe stretch out a bit–and beware, for that might invite a dog pile on top of you…maybe actually making you smile a bit :-).

…decide the piles of toys and kid things spread from here to there is really just evidence of a day spent well–creating, imagining, exploring. Something you can appreciate! Now maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel a bit more energy as you gather up the mess and put things away. Or decide to leave it for tomorrow…

The emotional toll of the physical effort. It is okay. Allow it, honor it, use it to refocus on yourself. You deserve this! Let appreciation lead the way.

What a gift to your children, to all your relationships.

Take care of you today,

Alice

How might your resilience benefit far beyond yourself?

Let me appreciate…

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

Ever get tired of hearing this? I know I do. Especially when, well…NOTHING seems all that positive….

Enter APPRECIATION.

As you work at appreciating rather than finding something positive, you’ve just made room for positive to happen. And it often does.

What could be different? NOW how might you be feeling?

Does your child go with the flow or define the flow?

It is the Define The Flow child who has us pulling out our hair, losing our cool, lacking confidence because we, well…just really don’t know what to do.

Yet it is the Go With The Flow child I want to pull our attention to.

This is key for growing the strengths and qualities we want in our child…it is key for putting our attention to what we want more of.

What does this require of YOU?

In return, your child can feel respected, understood, and empowered…

And now, relationships can truly thrive!

I encourage you to try looking at the behavior that stirs up your anxiety through a lens of appreciation…

What wonderful ways to build connected, respectful, joy-filled relationships.

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

Her ability to stay calm, firm, and kind communicated just what her son needed the most…

I truly appreciated seeing such amazing evidence of a

lovely and close relationship that has been intentionally deposited into for years.

What a way to grow a self-directed, focused, curious boy; what a rich deposit into their relationship.

What a way to grow just what we want more of–joyful and appreciative and caring relationships

Parenting is simply the most rewarding and most difficult

job we will ever do; we need each other to carry us along.

No struggles, no trying to make their little ones color ‘the right way’, positive encouragement to keep the color on the paper, and calm acceptance of the explorations this age naturally does.

To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy!

Mister Rogers–a champion of all things children

is becoming a champion for all.

I am grateful he is, long after his passing, becoming a shining example of the love, light, and goodness so essential for living well.

For that is what this really is all about–growing

ourselves in such a way we can be the one to lift another in times of need; to be the one receptive to another’s care and compassion so we can be lifted.

True confessions…

I have also…

I have grown and continue to grow. And you can and are as well.

What a gift to our children as they watch us welcome the ups and downs of our growth and watch us strive–always strive–to be better. Now they can, too.

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

THIS is relationship building.

Oh, the noise noise NOISE. Audible and visual. Chaos.

It was also about how HARD this all is.

More confident. More centered.

Stronger and steadier from the inside out.

My work is about helping YOU gain at least a foothold on the steadying place within that allows you to move through the hard, upset, big feelings, and chaos feeling stronger.

To leave others feeling

supported, encouraged, even empowered to create MORE of what they truly want.

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

Dad communicated fully “You matter to me.”

And the children glowed.

Put your attention to what you can appreciate,

to greeting everything as an opportunity, to simply

connecting with those you are with.

Notice the joy that fills you.

Instead, find something you can appreciate.

Positives can be tough. Appreciations are everywhere.

Listening. Waiting. Appreciating. Gentleness. Focused attention. Wonder. Presence. Acceptance and allowance for uncomfortable feelings with no need to “make them go away.”

We are humans. We all have a full gamut of feelings. They are worth mentioning. And what is mention-able is manageable.

Three Wise Women would have…

…asked for directions …arrived on time …helped deliver the baby …brought practical gifts …cleaned the stable …made a casserole

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:

We really do have the ability to create the experiences we want.

And our children will follow suit.

Motherhood!

Simple things noticed and enjoyed:

Simple moments. Moments of real connection. Relationship-building moments!

Let me appreciate…

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package:

ALL of these parts add up to be the rich and

meaningful relationships that make up our Parenting Package. One filled with deeply connected relationships.

Ultimately, living fully and living well.

A favorite story to share…

“I want you to know I’ve enjoyed watching your twins. I so appreciate how calm and patient you both are with your son–I know how tough it can be and I saw how much of a difference it made for your little boy.”

We parted with me sharing how this had put a smile on my face, with her sharing how encouraging it is to be actively appreciated.

What a way to grow connected, joyful, meaningful relationships.

What a way to live.

THIS is a call to action.

It seems to me we are experiencing a profound loss of dignity in so many areas. Human caused; technology driven.

A loss such as our dignity.

It is time to take charge of our digital choices and take

**What a gift to our children as they watch us welcome the ups and downs of our growth and watch us strive–always strive–to be better. Now they can, too.**

…asked for directions
…arrived on time
…helped deliver the baby
…brought practical gifts
…cleaned the stable
…made a casserole

**MOST importantly, share with me a step YOU are taking to take charge of your digital choices and devices. Will you…**