“Do we want our toddlers to learn how to use simple math and language symbols, or do we want them to truly understand mathematical concepts, develop their higher learning skills, be deep thinkers and creative problem solvers…
Any time we interrupt what an infant or toddler might be working on to “teach” him, we discourage focus and attention span. Attempting to plant seeds of knowledge in our babies inadvertently plants seeds of doubt. How can our child believe that the activities he chooses are valuable, when we signal that we want him to do something more…or different?” (How To Help Your Baby Become A Math Genius (Or Not), Janet Lansbury)
I truly appreciate Janet Lansbury‘s work. This one being the most recent I’ve immersed myself in. What stands out to me is the difference between “using a skill” and “UNDERSTANDING a concept.” 
I remember when we paused with our second daughter–considering putting her Kindergarten at age 6, rather than as a brand new 5 (her birthday fell right at the school district’s cut-off date for entering Kindergarten.) With my husband being an elementary teacher, and me being an early child development professional, we both knew in our gut that waiting might be best. Yet we still explored…
And what our elder daughter’s Kindergarten teacher said was something to the effect of second (and third and on) children tend to SEEM ready “earlier” due to being exposed to their older sibling’s experiences. So they often knew how to USE a skill–they’ve watched and copied and been immersed in their older sibling’s experiences. But their understanding and the necessary deeper comprehension wasn’t there yet. They could recite numbers and letters, for instance, but were less likely to KNOW what those numbers and letters truly represented and meant.
It was this that gave us the go-ahead to PAUSE and give our younger daughter the time SHE needed to explore her world at her own pace.
Math. Oh there is so MUCH our little ones are learning and absorbing just as Janet speaks of! All on their own as they test, explore, touch, taste…and what an added bonus when, as we head up the stairs with them, we find ourselves counting each step. Or describing just what size portion they are getting–“I cut you 3 apple slices! One. Two. THREE!” Noticing out loud how they dumped ALL the blocks out of the box and are now plunking in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
When we step back and let them work those puzzle pieces in they are learning all about shape, geometry, size. When we give them a cup or two in the bath tub and they practice pouring and dumping and filling they are learning all about quantity and physics and more.
The smooshed peas added to their oatmeal? Chemistry at its best!
A ball rolling rolling rolling…and then rolling back and forth with you? Kinesthetics. Physics.
Baby studying the wheel on a toy…and discovering how to make it go round and round? Physics!
Block building? Oh so much! Numbers. Quantity. Balance. Cause and effect. Gravity! Physics, math, science science science.
The more we can respect PLAY–aka exploration, discovery, trial and error, problem solving–the more we are supporting our little one’s optimal growth. How cool is that?
Babies and toddlers and preschoolers are Scientists Extraordinaire. We just have to get out of their way and quietly observe. Engage appropriately by naming and describing what they are experiencing. Provide a rich and varied environment (and this doesn’t need to be bought toys!) Think paper bags. Boxes. Scarves. Kleenex boxes with various lids tucked inside. Spoons! Pots and pans…oh so much just around the house that adds to that rich and varied environment.
I so appreciate Janet’s work. Here’s a piece from me that may delight you “Important Ways To Play Toddler Style.”
Enjoy your day today! Let it be the brain building one for your child it can so easily be 
.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Digital Wellness in an Era of Distraction
April 11, 2022 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment
Digital Wellness. Essential for parenting and living well. Heads up–a bit of snarky voice (initially) to follow…I hope you’ll stay with me…:
Our attention to our devices and the times
our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,
and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,
and emotional development.
Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional
experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.
They are ESSENTIAL.
…now you actually respond in a way that makes
sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m
curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now
you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”
And you really do.
THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and
self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.
The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.
Pause before you hand them a screen to-WHEW-give you a break. Pause…and consider if you are able to handle their big upset knowing you are doing them a favor by sitting in it with them rather than distracting them with a screen.
Put your phone away as much as possible while you are at the park. Even just for a bit of the time can make a real and positive difference. (Sometimes getting caught up on messages now is important for our focused time with our children later.) Watch your children play. See what you notice. Learn a bit more about who they are as they tackle difficult climbing toys or negotiate with other children. Be available to exchange smiles, waves, “I see you’s!”
Give your Baby your full presence while nursing or bottle feeding. Let your gaze linger no matter where their gaze is. For when you stay focused on them it means you will fully engage when they open their beautiful eyes to find you. What a way to nurture a deep bond with your little one!
Pull out the play-dough, the books, the little toy animals. Put away the iPad with the “creative app.” Pretty awesome what can unfold as your child gets lost in their own imagination…
Busy yourself in the kitchen or doing laundry or weeding or other hands-on chore while your child immerses herself in art or Lego or play. This way you CAN be tuned in and aware. And when you need to be on your device? Let your child know to expect this and that when you are done, you will check back in with them. What a difference this can make!
.
Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.
Tip the balance. Start today. Bolster YOUR self. Ask for help. Talk to friends. Create ways for YOU to be successful as you work at lessening your screen use and becoming more intentional with it so you can parent well, successfully, with greater confidence, presence, and all things relationship-building. Let Digital Wellness be the focus in your family.
Babies Together
April 6, 2022 Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment
I find this photo beautiful and important. It shows so clearly CONNECTION. And the magic of connection is it begins and is absolutely essential from birth on.
Look at these two. They are touching. They are making eye contact. They are thinking, processing, learning–all because of their physical and emotional connection.
It is lovely–to be uninterrupted, relished quietly, noticed and appreciated. It is essential to *just* absorb, as these two are absorbing their moment together.
And if they “take” a toy from the other? That’s okay. Watch. See how each responds. Often it requires nothing from us other than observing and perhaps quietly stating what you see happening–“You took the block. He’d like it back.” Or, “You are having a turn with the block, I see that.” Or, “You gave her the block. She is giving it back. You are taking turns.” Or, “Hmmm. It makes you mad/sad that she took the block. You weren’t done playing with it.”
No need to pry the block from one hand to give it “back” to the other. No need to change their play and exploration. No need to swoop one of them up in order to stop any uncomfortable-to-us feelings that are expressed. No. What is needed is your connection to their moment. Quiet, calm, present, using words to describe as needed. A smile. A back rubbed. All while giving the safe space for little ones to discover a bit more about what its like to connect, meaningfully, with another. Tears included.
Just think of all the learning that is happening! From feelings to empathy to ownership to respect to taking turns to practice at reaching and grasping and holding and reaching once again to comfort to learning all about another person.
So much learning. All from CONNECTION.
Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”
Take time today to watch–really watch–your children, no matter their age. Notice how they play, think, connect–with another, with their own selves, with whatever play they are involved in. Pay attention to the kinds of connection with your child that feel fabulous to you…and take time to create more of it 🙂 . What a way to build relationships.
Enjoy your week!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach’
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam
Our Babies and Our Attention
March 14, 2022 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments
“Without secure attachment, a baby can grow up more anxious and less durable in the long run. Without the opportunity to closely study a caregiver’s mouth and expressions, language development can lag. A child could miss out on learning the vital skill (for survival in life and in business) of learning to read faces.
Research is beginning to indicate that if the view of a caregiver’s face is blocked by a device or if a very young child is left to spend too much time in a 2-D screen environment, the trajectory of brain development can be altered, as in the newly-discovered syndrome seen in toddlers, Virtual Autism.” (Jenifer Joy Madden, “Parents Didn’t Need to Think Much About Attachment Until Now”)
Alice’s thoughts:
Continual Partial Attention–this is what can unfold as a result of our use of our devices and it is of great concern.
Think about our babies. We take care to think about how we’ll set up our little one’s sleep space, what kind of diapering experience we want, when we’ll start solid foods, how to childproof our homes, what kind of carseat we want.
We take care to choose a pediatrician we like, to have the right clothing available for our little one, to sign up for childbirth classes and lactation specialists, and find the right pacifiers, bottles, formula.
And we certainly care about–deeply–our attachment and bond with our baby. We know how key this is for healthy growth and development. And it is. Our baby’s attachment to us is her foundation for everything healthy from here on out. Everything.
And it is technology and our digital devices, in the quest for easier/faster/better, that can be a serious roadblock for All Things Healthy for Baby (and beyond…).
Something now required and often forgotten is taking care with the media environment we set up and live within so it can best support the growth of our Baby (and all our children). We need to think about our use and our baby’s exposure, the habits we form or continue to have with our digital devices. We need to be aware and clear. We need to be proactive. We need to have a media plan in place, just like we have diapers, bottles, pediatrician, carseat, clothing in place. We need to be ridiculously intentional.
Why?
Technoference–one name for the continual partial attention as a result of our devices. It is interrupting our baby’s ability to develop a healthy and necessary attachment to us. Something none of us ever intend. When we have our phone in hand as we tend to our little ones, it vies for our attention and often “wins.” We glance, we scroll, we check for updates, we text, we post. It can seem relatively harmless and yet it isn’t. Our babies need our full and responsive attention. Read more about that here: The Cost of Smart Phones…
When we use a screen to occupy Baby we are displacing just what they need the most–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body, relationship based experiences. That 2 dimensional screen? It does little to nothing for building all those neural networks in their brains…and it undermines the healthy growth we intend for our little one, ultimately making our job harder, our relationships more challenging. I know I’ve written plenty on this
Our undistracted, respectful attention is essential for developing the kind of bond our babies need to grow well. A responsive, tuned-in-to-baby’s-rhythm caregiver attends to Baby in just the ways Baby needs. Now Baby’s needs can be answered in a timely and more accurate way, Baby gets the essential practice at facial expressions, hears increasingly rich and pertinent-to-them language, grows their awareness and understanding of feelings–ours and their own. Key for later learning to manage all those rather volcanic feelings (think 4-year-old!).
This is the foundation for trust, emotional regulation, a healthy brain that is full of all those essential connections. For imagination and creativity. For problem solving and their own focused attention. And these are the foundation for successful learning all through life.
Today, tomorrow, and on–PAUSE. Think with care about the media environment your little one is growing within or being born into. Be intentional with how you address it, change it, change what you do. Our little ones deserve our best and need it so they can be their best. What a gift to all our children. What a gift to ourselves as we experience the closeness and connection with our child that has all of us better able to thrive.
Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020
Books, Books, and More Books!
March 7, 2022 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Story Time! Comment
This photo ALWAYS makes me happy. I like sharing it with all of you once again…(thank you to Best Beginnings and Anchorage Imagination Library)
Books, books, and more books. Reading with my girls oh-so-many years ago STILL brings me smiles, warm memories, reflection on favorite stories…(and the delicious anticipation of memories to be made as I read with a certain Mr. Nearly Three in the next few days…and those future grandchildren…
)
I’m remembering…
...the piles of books on the couch and floor and shelves…remembering me falling asleep as I read out-loud: “MOM. WAKE UP. That’s NOT how the story goes…!”…
...how my young toddlers would pull to standing next to their book shelf and take the books off–plunk plunk plunk–one at a time to drop on the floor.
Then down their little chubby legs and body would go, nestled in amongst all their books, and one by one they’d pick up the books, turn the pages, talk to themselves…oh, how did I ever get anything done as I watched with delight their total immerse-ment in all things BOOK!
...how one of my young toddlers chose to always pile her books into a small box…then climb on in…and sit there, reading and reading and reading, diligently placing each book into another pile beside her as she finished. Here was my opportunity to “get something done” and yet…I’d watch her. It filled me up to watch those little hands working on the pages, the furrowed brow at times, the pointing finger and delight she’d express…how she talked to herself…
And my other young toddler how, after each book was absorbed, “read” and studied with great intent, off she’d toss it to her side until she looked much like the photo I’ve shared!
Oh yes, and how, no matter the upset, the mad, the craziness, if we just PAUSED and chose to read, everything would calm down. Really. Everything.
Reading connected us, delighted us, had us lost in our imaginations and conversation. Seeing my girls’ eyes light up as we dove into stories…watching how they so carefully learned to turn paper pages…enjoying how they, too, liked to lean down and smell the book 🙂.
And now? As twenty-somethings? They both put reading as a priority. REAL books. Audio books. Old books new books hardcover paperback children’s adults young adults. No matter. BOOKS. One taps into her 8-year-old buddy’s love of science and finds way-cool books for the two of them to explore, do experiments together, study. My other daughter gets lost in book stores tracking down favorite stories from her childhood to then read–sometimes via Skype, sometimes with a warm and real lap available–with her nearly-three-year-old Godson. How cool is that? All the reading you do NOW ripples out to deposit soundly into relationships later.
BOOKS. Go read today. WITH your child. NEXT to your child. Staying quiet as they get lost in their own book. Know that by doing so you are depositing into the growth of a healthy brain. You are depositing into the growth of a close, connected, lovely relationship. You are tapping into imagination and attention and all things crucial for learning all through life.
Another favorite BOOK post for you: Real Books, Real Learning
Go read today! Make it one of your top priorities…what a gift to all.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
You are Having One of THOSE Days…
January 25, 2022 Children and Families, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment
So you are having one of THOSE days. 
Your Too-Short-of-a-Nap toddler or preschooler (or maybe drippy-nosed or you name it and it isn’t easy) is demanding a TON of re-direction, stopping, pleading at times, removal…(how much CAN you fit on top of the fridge as you collect those “used-in-the-wrong-way” items???). He seems to go from one thing to the next just TRYING to push your button (and succeeding).
Your baby is fussing and never getting quite the attention you really want to give this little one–yes, she gets fed and changed…but all the while you are pulling your hair out over the seemingly EXTRA exuberant behavior of your 3- or 4-year old (and if you have multiple other ages in the mix, just multiply the chaos by infinity…). The kind of exuberant behavior that has the blocks flying, the voices LOUD, the flying super-hero whipping by just barely missing the baby, the teetering of climbing just too darn high, the race to the potty and then a quiet that descends that has you discovering the roll of TP stuffed in the toilet or the tub animals taking a swim in the toilet bowl…
Your spouse has asked you to swing by and pick up that prescription–a simple thing, swinging by, right? And yet…you know that if you had to get the diaper bag ready, baby fed and changed, preschooler actually dressed and fed, AND yourself presentable and all ready to go all at the same time, not to mention then having to wrangle kids in and out of their seats and find a cart to contain them in and navigate the crowded store aisles, actually TALK to the pharmacist, and then get out all with your sanity in place…it could not possibly happen today. That simple errand is now an Impossible Errand.
And then there is what seems to usually be the “simple” step of switching the laundry from washer to dryer–today, however, it is nearly insurmountable. As is the well-intentioned dinner in the crockpot–usually a welcomed way to make dinner oh so much easier–still awaiting those green peppers you were going to chop and add. Let’s not even mention the now-clogged toilet, blocks and cards and Lego and stuffed guys spread from here to there, and the breakfast, lunch, and snack dishes and items still exactly where they were consumed. And it wasn’t at the table.
Funny how those “simple” things can become the very thing that would break you or the precarious and momentary balance you have found with your children. Simple becomes Impossible.
And you are feeling AWFUL. Guilty, frustrated, downright MAD, certainly over-the-top EXHAUSTED.
Then your partner arrives home…and just can’t seem to understand why it is so darn HARD to switch the laundry. Or swing by to pick up the prescription. Or–for heaven’s sake–add the chopped vegies to the crock-pot for dinner. They wonder why the toilet is plugged (“Can’t you watch him when he goes potty? It’s not like it requires much from you!”), the house a complete wreck, and let’s not even mention all the remains of various meals and snacks spread around.
And you sigh. Or blow up. Are definitely frustrated, feeling guilty, exhausted. You have no ability to even treat your partner with the respect you know you want to. Your relief to have help is quickly replaced with resentment. You are done done done with the entire day. The mess, the LOUD, the near misses of preschooler swooping past baby, the baby who obviously needs more of your attention and your guilt and sadness over not being able to find even an extra minute to give her that extra snuggle.
You are having one of THOSE days.
It’s okay. Really. It will get better. Maybe not yet and maybe it’ll become one of those WEEKS, but in time it (and you) will get better.
For now, it’s just one of THOSE days. Remember to b-r-e-a-t-h-e.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Lessons Learned from a Baby
September 27, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Lessons learned (when exhaustion finally subsides…) from a baby…
...I’ve got you wrapped around my little chubby hand, now don’t I? Look at me, sound asleep, so peaceful, little sighs and funny expressions flickering across my face…at least, for the moment. And only if you keep holding me. You weren’t planning on getting anything DONE during nap time, were you?
…I really DO know when I’m hungry (you just need to figure out that when my diaper needs changing I sound THIS way, and when I’m sleepy, I fuss THAT way…), and I also know exactly when my tummy is full. That means stop nudging my lips with the bottle to get me to finish the milk you prepared. My tummy is FULL. For now. Give me about 30 minutes and maybe I’ll have room again.
...Just when you’ve gotten all my cute little clothes sorted I GROW! Poof! Over night! THAT was what all my “out of sorts” was about. I was busy growing.
…To catch naps when you can cuz I’m going to keep you up as much as possible the rest of the time… 
…That I am truly a capable and competent little soul who appreciates being warned before anything gets “done to me.” Let me know when you are going to pick me up; let me know when you want to wipe my chin or nose; let me know when I can expect a trickle of water over my tummy or a shirt to go over my head. It startles me when you don’t tell me, first.
…I really CAN figure out how to roll, sit, pull myself up all by myself when I’m given lots of time to be freely on the floor. I like it best when you watch–and I trick you to make you think I really like it when you do it for me…but then, how can I really grow my capable and competent self when you stand me up, rescue me from rolling under a chair, hold my hands to “make” me walk? Its fun…but these are MY jobs.
…Acting-as-if you are calm and confident as you hand me over to my care-giver for the first, tenth, hundredth time. Yup. I need you to act this way, other wise I’d think you didn’t trust my care-giver to take care of me or trust ME to be able to feel safe and secure while you are away from me. So hand me over. Smile at me. Say “bye” and then be sure to come back! I need to count on you…
...Letting go of strict routines while sticking to a predictable rhythm–now there’s a challenge I present you with! Ha. You think I will be hungry every 3 hours or ready for my nap at noon like usual. Well, have I got a surprise for YOU. I’m hungry NOW! And I have NO intention on napping at noon…nope. At least I can count on you to understand…to offer me my milk…to snuggle and look at me while I drink (No phones, please), to read me stories anyway, and then recognize I still have lots of wiggles to get out ’til I really AM ready for a snooze.
...That my fussy and out-of-sorts self needs you to listen and watch so you can comfort me how I need you to. That way you’ll discover if its my teeth hurting me or that I’m missing you or that I’m wet, sleepy, hungry, tired of all the company oohing and ahhhing over me, have too many dangly toys in front of my face, or am just DONE with the peek-a-boo game you keep trying to play with me. I KNOW you can figure it out because you always seem to end up doing just what I need…even if it takes several tries. I’m patient. Sort of. At least, I’m learning to be, with your company.
…That having a baby (ME!) can be overwhelming, joyful, exhausting, confusing, amazing. And heart-wrenching at times. Heart-filling, too. I sure know how to keep you on your toes, don’t I?!
What is amazing you about YOUR baby today? What lesson have you learned that has surprised you the most? I’d like to know 
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
The Magic of a Baby’s Smile
August 24, 2021 Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Oh, the magic of witnessing a baby, searching their field of vision and catching the eye of their special person 
.
Watching the warmth of simply the most beautiful smile slowly spread across their face…lighting up their eyes, spreading to their fingers and toes…
The really cool thing? What this was doing for both Baby and Daddy. Full presence in that moment. So much to study. The calm of nature. A Daddy who responded to his son’s eye-catching moment! He wasn’t on a phone, he wasn’t in a hurry, he was there. In the moment. Taking off his sunglasses and returning a warm and gentle smile right back.
Truly, I get tingles when I see this, think about it, write it for you. In our hurried lives, we can so easily miss these moments. And they are essential moments, for they strengthen the bond that is key for growing well. They provide the give and take of “conversation” even without the words. They have a baby’s brain lighting up with neural connections!
Just a little moment. Our days are filled with them. The more we can be present to them, the richer our relationships (and therefore our lives) become.
What Parenting Label Do You Wear?
July 14, 2021 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
I have been asked if I’m “pro-attachment parenting, co-sleeping, full-term breastfeeding, baby-wearing, etc…” I have to admit, I had to look up what exactly some of these labels meant. This question gave me pause…
Labels can be powerful and often limiting.
They make it hard to be something else (especially when we label our children–and that deserves a post all on its own). Labels often create walls and put people in a defensive position. Labels can create ‘right vs wrong.’ And labels can be empowering, as well, providing identity, community, and encouragement. 
So, what am I? If I need to put a name to it, I am pro-respectful parenting. Respecting children, parents, and myself. What does this mean?
That I encourage parents to discover what works in respect to them, to their child (and this includes understanding child development), to their situation and environment. I encourage parents to listen to and trust their intuition; to discover what works for them.
It is OKAY to:
…nurse, bottle, formula-feed; make your own baby-food or buy baby-food
…co-sleep, use a crib, hold your baby
…wean early or wean late; wean to a cup, wean to a bottle
…be a stay-at-home, work-outside-of-the-home, or work-at-home parent
…use pacifiers or thumbs or fists or breasts or…
…carry your baby close or give them lots of floor time
…let your baby or child work themselves to sleep or rock and keep them company until they are asleep
…use paper diapers or cloth diapers or maybe in your culture no diapers?
…ask for help and take only what works for you; ask for help and try on new ideas. Just ask for help when needed!
…parent positively…until you feel exhausted and then be a bit less positive (and then ask for help and take a break!)
…home-school, un-school, public school, private school, optional school
…go organic or non-organic; make meals or buy meals or enjoy someone else’s meal
…get a babysitter and take time for yourself or be 24/7 with your children
…label yourself and change your label
It is okay. Each and every one of us are on an amazing journey as parents. As we support and encourage each other in what works for ourselves, in listening to our intuition and trusting it–no matter what others are saying we should do differently–we can feel respected. And when we feel respected we often find ourselves listening with care to different ideas, opening ourselves to trying new things, and doing it all in respect to ourselves and our children. We can parent well.
I am pro-respectful parenting. This is a label I can live by.
With appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Respectful Mama and Papa Moments
April 7, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Respectful mama and papa moments truly appreciated:
~ The mama of a 13-month-old working hard at climbing up a ladder to reach the top of a slide. Young Toddler was quite focused on placing his feet with care, practicing up and down motions with each leg on each ladder rung, pausin
g to take in other kids’ antics around him, then back to navigating the steep upward climb he was on. This mama? She stayed quietly behind him, never interrupting, always watchful. She gave him his space to navigate on his own time. And when he reached the top? Oh his JOY over his accomplishment! And it was HIS accomplishment. Mama’s eyes twinkled at mine, for I was happily watching from the other side. Her respect shown to her young toddler to do his own work at his own pace spoke volumes to this little guy.
~The mama with a 3-year-old who has decided dogs make him quite worried…any dog, any size. Her calm self offering up her arms as he decides a dog is too close to him (this includes the ones 50-feet away and on a leash walking the opposite direction ), her soothing words as she names his worry, her respect for how long he needs to be close to her and when he decides he is ready to move away on his own. Quiet, calm, affirming…respectful.
~The papa of a 9-month-old baby in the midst of meeting many new folk always asking his little one first whether she was ready for Grandma, for Auntie, for another to hold her...and respecting her response as she either clung more tightly to papa or leaned out to the new person. Asking first, observing with care, describing what he saw, “You aren’t ready for Susan to hold you” or “You’d like to see Uncle Charlie!”, and then respecting his little one by holding her longer, or passing her over–always staying near and ready to receive her right back as needed. What a way to communicate “your feelings are valued and important…” So truly respectful.
~The mama in the hardware store who let her 5-year-old use her as the hiding place from which to play peek-a-boo and “You can’t see me!” game with another adult (me). As the rambunctiousness ramped up (yes, I really did slow down my game as she ramped up!), mama so respectfully got down next to her daughter, put her hands on her shoulders and told her in a quiet voice that it was time to settle down. Calm, gentle, quiet, yet firm. Respectful. Now the little girl and I just flashed grins at each other…letting our game go
~The parents of a kindergartner who have intentionally chosen to parent entirely differently from how they were each brought up. They both decided that “Because I TOLD you so” would not be in their vocabulary for it was always hurtful to them as they grew up in their respective households…and instead to state gently to the ever-negotiating 5-year-old, “Because I’ve asked you to…” What a simple change of words that expresses such respect. Lovely.
What have you noticed and appreciated of recent? How has PAUSE helped YOU to connect with your child from a calm, connected, respectful place? Give PAUSE a try today…it really can work wonders.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Sharing My Joy With You
March 18, 2021 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
This book brings me such joy! And I want to share that joy with all of you. It represents all that I’ve felt since I was a little, little girl and captivated by all things babies and toddlers. That’s where all of this began for me, when I was so little myself. I chose the colors and rainbow effect because of the feelings they emanate. Feelings of joy, compassion, lightness, even deep care and compassion. I want you to fall in love with all things children, just as I have been and continue to do. To fall in love with parenting your children, with delighting in and being captivated by whatever age and stage you are in. Even during the hard of it all. Maybe especially during the hard of it all, for how else do we get through the hard if it wasn’t for our perseverance…resilience…sense of humor…deep love and commitment to our children?
I want you to be curious about and confident in just how to be and what to do with your new baby and this sometimes challenging and exhausting care-giving role you find yourself in. I want you to take your time, observe, snuggle, relish, be present with your baby and reap the rewards of a deep connection that fills you heart to overflowing. Theirs, too.
I want you to know you CAN relish the tumultuous teens (and pre-teens!). That all of their tumult is all about their increased need to FLY. And fly they will. Sometimes leaving us an emotional wreck; but more often and hopefully leaving us feeling oh-so-proud as we watch them soar. Teens are terrific. So much to discover about ourselves as we work hard at guiding our teens…
I want you to relish, be captivated by, delight in, and discover the JOY of all things children and parenting. This is what my work stems from. This is what Parenting Through Relationship reflects. This is what I want for you.
It’s Tough Being a New Big Brother…
November 7, 2020 Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment
A story to share!
A Mama, 3.5 year old, and new baby.
Mama and Mr. 3.5 crouched on the floor together, working at “tying his shoes.” Baby beginning to stir and wake in cradle. Mama and Mr. 3.5 continue working on making bunny ears with the laces and doing the very tricky work of wrapping one ear around the other and tucking it under… 
Baby begins to fuss. First softly, then a bit more loudly 
. Just as little babies do to let you know they are awake, hungry, wet, needing you.
Mr. 3.5 tenses a bit…but stays rather intensely focused on and a bit agitated with his rabbit ears and tying. You can bet he heard Baby. You can bet he wondered about this interruption. You can bet, because he IS the older brother…just getting used to this new person in his life…and all that THAT means.
Mama PAUSES. Listens to the slowly growing CRY in the nearby cradle. And then, staying crouched on the floor totally focused on and present to Mr. 3.5’s tying work, says, “Baby! I hear you. You are waking and ready for something. When I am all done helping Brother with his shoes, I will come.”
Mr. 3.5? He visibly relaxed. Never straying from his work. Mama smiled and said, “You are working hard at this tying job! Let me know if you need help.” And she stayed, crouched and focused, ears still cocked for Baby, knowing that by staying with Mr. 3.5, it would only be another minute at best and then she could give her full attention to Baby.
And Mr. 3.5 DID it! He finished wrapping one ear around the next, tucking it under, snugging it down, looked up at Mama and grinned. So proud of himself! Mama grinned right back and said, “You DID it. You worked at it until you got your own shoe tied. You are ready to go play. I am ready to help Baby…”
And off Mr. 3.5 dashed down the hall, happy, content, feeling confident in himself, EMPOWERED. And Mama–off to the cradle and as she leaned over, she said, “I’m here, Baby. I’m all done helping Brother with his shoes. He tied them all by himself! (this said, because she KNEW he had one ear cocked her way…). Let’s see what you need…”
It’s tough, you know, being the older sibling with a new baby. All that attention once had is now divided. This Mama? She knew how hard it can be and she knew she wanted to foster a positive and respectful relationship for her two children. By pausing and staying focused on Mr. 3.5 without dashing off to Baby she was communicating her respect for what he was doing. She was letting him know he and his work was important.
What a way to fill a bucket that is feeling a bit empty with all the new changes in the household.
Baby? With her voice and words she reached out to Baby. Now Baby hears her…and Mama followed through with exactly what she said. I know, it seems a new baby wouldn’t understand this and perhaps she SHOULD have jumped up to attend. But this Mama listened carefully and knew the crying wasn’t too much, yet.
And babies DO understand. This understanding begins at birth and comes from this practice with words, voices, calm connection, promises of coming kept.
The cool thing is, over time, Baby soothed with just hearing Mama’s voice. And big brother was more and more able to wait when it was Baby’s turn first. Because he could count on what his Mama said, she meant and would do. No matter what.
Does this mean there weren’t times of major disruption, upset, tears, fights between brothers? Oh no 🙂 . But it DID mean that respect and calm connection were the foundation. And this is a very strong foundation, able to weather all sorts of turmoil and tumultuous times…
So today. PAUSE with your children. Use your voice. Stay present to the one you are with–even if it is to say, “I want to finish reading this book to you, but your sister needs me right now. Do you hear how upset she sounds? I will go get her and then come right back so we can finish our story…” And you keep your promise.
Here’s to this Mama, big brother, and baby. Here’s to you today as YOU do the hard work of parenting well, patiently, calmly, respectfully.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Conversations with Baby
September 18, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment
Oh yes!
What a delight it is to converse with a baby…a toddler…and onward up through the ages–yes, even the teenagers who can get a bit less-than-wonderful as they roll their eyes and use THAT tone of voice.
Click here for a fabulous article on just this. Conversing, and the impact it has on your baby.
Conversation, as research has found and many of us have known and practiced and encouraged, is key for…well…everything. From language development to social and emotional to relationship building to meaningful connection….
It is essential for healthy brain development. And healthy brain development is the foundation of learning and living well.
And it begins with BABIES. It requires us to be fully engaged. It asks for the give and take and nuances of conversation. It means being aware, taking turns, and staying in the moment with your little one.
Like the older woman of recent who I watched engage a baby new to her:
Woman: “Hello! And look at you….” PAUSE.
Baby: Eyes
widen as she studied this stranger. (And yes, no verbal response is necessary. Those eyes widening as the woman paused? THAT was a conversational response…)
Woman: “You are really studying me. I know I’m new to you…” PAUSE.
Baby: Wiggles. Glances to Papa who is holding her. Looks back at woman and reaches out a chubby hand.
Woman, as she holds out her palm to Baby: “You are curious about me! I wonder if you’d let me hold you?” And she held out both her hands and paused once again. Waiting for Baby’s response. Ever so respectful.
Baby: Studied the woman’s out-reached hands. Looked at her face, and then subtly leaned her body toward the woman.
Woman: “Oh! You are ready to have me hold you!” And she took curious Baby into her arms and continued on with this beautiful give and take conversation–verbally one-sided, and fully FULLY turn-taking and engaged.
It was a lovely exchange–actually, a “dance”–to witness. The respect shown, tremendous. THIS is a conversation.
And the more we practice it with our babies by asking and waiting, the more they become toddlers chatting away with you–the more it is important–oh SO important–that we engage respectfully and meaningfully.
And consider this:
“…but if you’re not engaging with the child and having a conversational duet about what the child is interested in, you’re not going to give the child the language processing skills that they need…” (Roberta Golinkoff)
A conversational duet about what the child is interested in.
What happens when, as seen increasingly these days, we “converse” with our little one as we glance back and forth from our phone, texting, scrolling, distracted?
We lose the duet. We lose what our child is truly interested in, focusing on, curious about. We often miss cues that are ever so important in this duet. We show our child that communication and conversation is secondary to what’s on our phone. And then we wonder, down the road a bit, why our child doesn’t listen to us. Among other things… 🙂
And when we make this the norm, we are–as science is showing and professionals such as Magda Gerber has always spoken of–displacing just what our children need the most to grow WELL. To feel connected, deeply. To be seen and respected as the capable and competent souls they are. To be truly understood. To be interacted with from a place of understanding.
We miss their cues. And this translates into less learning, displaced development, fewer words/language skills. And this? It ripples out to how they learn, move through school, build relationships…to how they GROW.
We want our best for our children. Let’s start with some basics–meaningful connection, our presence, our respect. Conversation. Meaningful, rich, and it begins at birth and can be fostered at ANY age.
Start today with a PAUSE, with your presence, with your ability to really notice and observe how your little one responds to what you have to say.
And then, when it is your turn, respond. Pretty amazing. Very powerful. Wonderfully relationship-building.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
What Baby Needs to Thrive in Age of Technology
July 9, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment
You are about to welcome in a new baby. Or maybe just have.
Congratulations!
Feeling confident and competent as a parent, deeply and wonderfully connected with your little one(s) is what we hope and strive for as we welcome children into our lives.
It can be daunting, thinking of the responsibilities we have as parents; it can be challenging as we go through periods of uncertainty and exhaustion; it can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your (and your baby’s) life. 
You’ve set yourself up with a growing understanding of feeding, bathing, diapering, sleeping, care-giving in general. Time to also consider how to set up the tech environment your baby will be raised in. A bit surprising to have to think of this and incredibly essential to do so for growing the healthy, loving, deeply connected relationship you intend; crucial for supporting your little one’s optimal brain growth; critical for healthy growth and development to excel.
What do babies need to thrive?
A tuned-in, responsive care-giver, answering their needs in a timely and respectful manner, being present and focused especially during care-giving moments—feeding, diapering, assisting sleep, bathing…
What do parents strive for?
Healthy and deeply connected relationships with their little ones; feeling confident and capable throughout their parenting journey; thriving children and families. Some things to think about:
• Consider relationships in your life that you relish. What helps you feel and nurture the deep connection that define these?
• What does connection look and feel like as you relate in-person with others you feel close to?
• When have you felt best about connecting meaningfully with another?
• Consider times you’ve felt truly confident and capable; what would it be like to feel this way as you parent your little one? How can being intentional with the environment you set up support you in this?
• In what ways has technology enhanced the most meaningful relationships in your life?
• In what ways has technology detracted from connecting meaningfully with another?
What do you need to know?
Being tech aware and intentional with your use, your baby’s use and exposure, you are more likely to foster the healthy and deeply connected relationships that can have your baby thriving. Key issues include:
• How screens impact your baby’s healthy brain development—what screen use can be healthy, what is not. FaceTime with a grandparent with you there, talking and interacting can be a wonderful way to nurture connected relationships; plunking your baby by themselves in front of a device 
counters this healthy development. It is in the first 3 years that our brains develop the most rapidly, and it is with hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship and whole-body based experiences that this occurs. Screens displace these experiences, impeding our baby’s brain development.
• Your awareness of and respect for baby’s rhythms and your ever-growing understanding of your little one’s communications are key for answering their needs; Your responsiveness to baby’s coos, cries, smiles, gurgles, and wiggles is the essential socialization and communication foundational for healthy physical and emotional development, as well as relationships. Your timely responsiveness is key for baby to feel settled and secure and able to grow well. Distraction by and overuse of our devices while with baby undermines this.
• Providing baby with devices to be entertained or distracted by undermines her ability to self-regulate and communicate her needs; displaces crucial social emotional time with her primary caregivers (you!); interrupts the development of a healthy brain; displaces the meaningful and responsive connection with and from you that is key for your baby to grow optimally.
There are important and at times seemingly little moments to pay attention to. They can be easily missed if we are distracted by our devices. Our ability to respond appropriately and timely is key. These little moments? They become the foundation for the warm and wonderful relationship you intend to build. They become the foundation for all future learning.
How can you create a healthy tech environment that supports and fosters healthy growth and relationships?
Consider your use of devices and how they step up to enhance or detract connecting meaningfully and accurately (in regards to understanding your baby’s expression of needs). Ideas:
- Put your phone down and perhaps out of sight and silenced as you feed, converse, diaper, bathe, or otherwise interact with your baby. Give them the gift of your full attention as much as you can.
- Turn off background noise from devices (certain kinds of music being the exception) to better support your little one’s ability to fully focus on and appropriately explore and engage their environment; to engage YOU.
- Be sure to, when needing to use a device, speak directly with your baby about what you will be doing and when they can expect your full attention once again. This communicates respect; and with your consistent follow through, you communicate trust–baby can count on what you say you mean and will do. Relationship-building.
Consider our knowledge that little to no screen time for our babies and toddlers is essential for their healthy development. Know that providing lots of free time to explore, stretch on a blanket on the floor, look at and touch objects (and you!)–all with your responsive self tuned in to when needs emerge–will support the growth of a little one able to self-regulate, feel secure and safe, able to play “on their own” for stretches of time. No need to distract with a screen. And now their brains are growing exponentially!
Consider background noise from devices and televisions—as a regular occurrence these distract and interrupt your little one’s ability to attend to their own explorations of their world; it can limit imagination and reflection time necessary for growing from the inside-out–key for self-regulating, problem solving, feeling capable and competent, for all learning! This includes those constant text pings even though your phone is tucked away.
Be intentional with how and when you use your devices so they no longer impede your baby’s development and your deepening bond with them. Be intentional with how you think forward through the early years—just what can be healthy use especially in regards to how children learn by hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences. 
Questions to ask yourself
What are some steps you will take today with your tech use to ensure your ability to deposit fully into your relationship with your little one?
What are some things you can do differently in your home as you consider a healthy tech environment for your little one?
How would it feel to know you are providing your child with all that they need to thrive?
Be tech intentional with your environment, your use, your baby’s exposure. Know that this can help you foster the development of a healthy brain, ready for all future learning and nurture a relationship you will cherish. Really! Now go enjoy welcoming in your new little one and feel confident you are providing her with all that she needs to thrive.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020 Alice Hanscam
To Rescue or not to Rescue…
July 6, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
What would YOU do if…
...your newly mobile baby was seemingly stuck under the chair she just rolled and maneuvered herself under–fussing a bit and looking at you with pleading and slightly tear-filled eyes–soon to ramp up out of sheer frustration?
…your 8-year-old came home from school in tears–devastated because he wasn’t invited to his friend’s birthday party? Or allowed to play the tag game on the playground? Or was told he couldn’t sit with his buddies at the lunch table? Ouch. Friends. They can be tough at times…
…your preschooler was struggling extra hard at building with Lego to the point of throwing
it or a tantrum or BEGGING you to “do it for MEEEEE”…or frustrated up the gazoo that their drawing just didn’t LOOK like the airplane they wanted and could YOU PLEASE draw it for them…? And if you don’t, then you’ll definitely have a full-blown melt-down to deal with?
...your teen was totally upset and a total mess about the totally UNFAIR grade she got on her project that she worked and worked and worked on–the teacher was so UNFAIR! AND it totally affects her final grade….
…your toddler keeps on hitting you when he doesn’t like you stopping him or saying no to him or changing his diaper or buckling him into his car seat…? Or maybe keeps on pulling all the stuff out of the cupboards that you keep telling him NO to or cleaning up and putting away to just have him dump it all again…and again…?
I’d venture to say you would step into the mode of taking charge and fixing whatever problem your child was caught up in…because, hey, that’s what we DO. We solve problems and we are really good at it. And it is our job, right?
Maybe you would…
…quickly move the chair and rescue your baby and, of course, comfort her.
…tell your 8-year-old how unkind THOSE friends are and “Let’s make new ones or that he can choose not to invite those friends to HIS birthday party or that’s okay, you and I will do something special that day or hey, I’ll join you at lunch and help you let your friends know you CAN sit with them…or I’ll talk to your teachers, so don’t worry…all will be good and you can stop feeling so devastated…”
…just draw the picture for your preschooler or sit down and build for them what they want with Lego--or at least direct them each step of the way. Better then having them freak out, right? Maybe they’ll even keep on drawing and building and you’ll get a bit more peace and quiet. Maybe.
…call or email or text your teen’s teacher and let the teacher know how hard your child worked and really, couldn’t that grade be a bit higher? Or ask what you could do for your child to get a better grade…or complain about how there really wasn’t enough time for your teen to do the job as well as she could and that’s unfair…
…try getting equally mad at your toddler or get a bit more hurried as you rush through very unpleasant diaper changes and car-seat buckling. Or maybe you’d punish them by plunking them in their crib and telling them they have to stop or they’ll have to stay put for a while. Or maybe you just end up slapping their hand (never do I recommend) or throwing up YOUR hands…ANYTHING to get them to stop. And keep the stuff in the cupboard. Talk about a power struggle…
You might. 
Because we like to solve the problems. It’s in our nature. Yet consider this–consider another layer as to why we solve these problems.
It makes US feel better.
Whew, our child is no longer so upset or sad. Relief! WE feel like a good parent when our child gets good grades. WE feel in control and in charge and (again) a good parent when our child behaves, listens, chooses “right” behavior. We are communicating, “I need YOU to behave so I can feel like I’m doing my job well…”
When we step in regularly to solve our child’s
problem we are often robbing them of an opportunity to grow their capable and competent selves a bit more.
What do they hear? “You need ME in order to manage your body, your feelings, to be a good student, well behaved, popular with friends, able to be happy…” “You need ME in order to be in control of your SELF.”
Probably not what any of us really intend. Because really, it just says, “I don’t think you are a capable, competent soul.”
Fast forward to sending them off into the world. If all along we’ve taken responsibility for solving all those little and then big things that seem to be problems, how will they know how to do it for themselves? How can they possibly feel capable and competent on their own if they’ve heard from us on a regular basis that they need US in order to be so?
Let’s tip the balance another way. Let’s recognize that YES there are times solving is essential. And YES, way more often we can…
PAUSE and consider how we can walk
alongside our child to help them take charge of themselves,
to feel competent and capable, to know they can work at solving their own problems and managing all their feelings.
Let’s get down next to our baby and acknowledge the STUCK and encourage them out. Then maybe nudge the chair a bit. Help them help themselves. Name how they are feeling. This is key. 
Let’s affirm our 8-year-old’s intensely hurt feelings and sit with them a bit or at length. Let’s ask them what they’d like to do. Let’s brainstorm with them if they need ideas. And then BE there. For that’s what they really need–company that feels safe and secure and comforting. Now they can better manage all the upset. And yes, it takes time.
Let’s acknowledge our preschooler’s frustration with their work. Let’s ask them if they’d like to take a break (and yes, maybe insist on it and help them do so)…or if they can start with finding the Lego that looks like wing material or maybe pull out paper and markers ourselves and start doodling next to them. Partner with them rather than take over…
Let’s listen carefully to our teen. Affirm their feelings. Acknowledge the hard work we saw them do. Ask them what they would like to say to their teacher–if anything. Or what they might want to do next time to change up the result…or they even WANT to do anything other than just unload on us. Be that safe, comfortable place for them to do so.
Let’s breathe in deeply with our toddler and show them what it is they CAN do. Name their feelings. Hit pillows not people. Help with diaper changes. Give them more things to be in charge of. Set up a cupboard just for them. Include them in cleaning up as well as join in on the dumping 🙂 Honor their feelings always. Stay matter-of-fact as we move through what we have to do…
Now you are tipping the balance toward growing capable,
competent, responsible children and future adults.
Ones who can understand and manage their OWN feelings and behavior. Ones that feel empowered to take charge of the hard. Ones that know we are a resource in whatever way they need us…and that we’ll always BE there. Safe. Comfortable. Available.
Problem solving. It’s a strength–especially when it is applied to ourselves and how WE can step through things with our children that helps them gain strength in the very same skill. Solving their own problems.
Today, take care of YOUR feelings. Calm yourself ahead of time. Affirm yourself as the good parent you already are and intend to be. You don’t NEED your child to be amazingly successful, popular, happy all the time in order to feel good and confident in yourself. Know this, from the inside out.
What a gift to your child, yourself, and all your relationships.
And what HARD work.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
To Cry or Not to Cry
April 29, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional 2 Comments
To cry or not to cry.
This really can stir up worry and anxiety for many parents of babies. Whether it is in regards to sleep or any other part of the day. And we hear different things from all different parenting styles–making it all the more concerning and confusing.
I’ve heard the range from:
“Is it okay to let my baby cry to sleep” to“Babies should never cry” to“What do I do when she cries!”
I listen to those solid in their choice of certain ways to parent–from Peaceful Parenting to Positive Parenting to Attachment Parenting to whatever other styles there are out there, and I hear passionate voices all speaking to what feels right to them–yet in reality it can be so different from parent to parent, family to family, child to child.
I am most concerned about all the parents who are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and uncertain over their choices, perhaps feeling like a bad parent as yet again, their baby cries, or yet again there’s been a rough night of lack of sleep or a day that felt like nothing you did helped your baby settle.
And I’m truly concerned about the tendency we have to declare there is only one right way to be with our baby—that my style is the right style and you are doing it all wrong. What a way to undermine our confidence, to muddy the waters, to make it more difficult to navigate what can be an overwhelming experience–to discover what truly works for us, our family, our circumstance, our baby.
Babies cry. It is a form of communication.
Consider this–what do you want most to communicate to your baby? Fast forward to preschool years, where do you want to be as their naturally volcanic feelings erupt daily? Fast forward to teen years and think about what you hope for the most–self-direction? Ability to manage the emotional upheavals inherent in teen years? Able to feel capable and in charge and strong in their selves?
It begins with your baby. They cry. Our job? To use these early and simpler experiences to grow our ability to be comfortable in their upset, to set the foundation for them to learn to be in upset and to manage it well. Find a way to move the anxiety it stirs up over, the lack of confidence over…and step into the cry gently, respectfully.
It is not about “making them stop crying”, it is instead about
learning what is making your baby tick, discovering what they need that can help them settle.
How does this look? Perhaps:
“I hear you. You are upset. What is it you need?” as you rest a hand on their body, draw in near, use a quiet and gentle voice.
“Is your diaper wet? Shall we change you?” “Are you feeling hungry? Let’s see what we can do about that.”
“You are really upset. I wonder if it is all the commotion around you that makes it hard for you. Let’s move into a quieter place and see if that helps.”
“You woke and need a little help re-settling. I’m here. Let’s see what can help you head back into sleep.”
And maybe they still cry, and you try something else. It is a process and it is meant to be respectful…and it is meant to communicate to your baby that they are heard, you are near, they can feel safe–even if upset, and that you have confidence in their growing ability to soothe themselves.
Every single baby is different and what works for one baby to soothe themselves may be quite different from another.
My two girls were entirely different–the first, mellow, rarely cried–she was the one at 7-months who woke in her crib with vomit all over, grinning from ear to ear at me. Her cries only came when she was REALLY sad or uncomfortable and it was clear what she needed. She was easy to soothe…our company and answering her need was all that was necessary.
My second? She cried her first two hours of life, wanting nothing but to cry. And her tears flowed easily and often as a baby–sometimes leaving me a bit at a loss as to just what it was she truly needed, other times being quite clear what pushed her upset button. Those unclear times? I just kept asking, watching, and respecting that she just needed to cry…talking soothingly and moving slowly seemed to really help her re-center.
As young adults? So similar to their baby selves! The eldest tends to let things roll off her back, grinning through even the tough times–until she’s had enough and the feelings pour out; the youngest shares her strong feelings about many things quite often, leaving me sometimes missing what really is pushing her upset button. Just like when they were little. And I know they both feel respected for how they move through life and how they manage their upset in ways that work for them. I like to believe it is in big part because we respected their cries from day one.
Babies cry and it is okay.
Respond gently, respectfully, let their cries help you learn
more about who they are.
And trust that how you respond can help grow the strong foundation for their future ability to manage their feelings well. You, too–for becoming a parent demands we grow ourselves–and these cries are our opportunity to get started. You no longer need to feel overwhelmed–your baby will help you discover what works, trust this.
It really is okay.
For more about babies you may like: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/11/babies-capable-and-competent-from-birth/and be sure to check out Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care http://www.janetlansbury.com for a rich library of articles to help you grow your ability to parent your little one respectfully. She is wonderful!
The Simple Pleasures…
April 23, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…
…the two young babies sitting on their individual parent’s laps at a public play place…and watching them catch each other’s eye and SPARKLE at each other! Their smiles and full body wiggles and total delight in discovering each other was a joy to see. Watching the two parents notice and appreciate how their young babies interacted was equally delighted in
…the Papa who “flew” his 5-month-old chasing his 4-year-old around this play place. What was noticed was the baby’s obvious joy in all things CHASE (especially after a favorite and familiar sibling…). What was appreciated was how the Papa “flew” gently, checking in with baby regularly to be sure this game was as delighted by him as it was his 4-year-old brother!
…the group of 7-9-year-olds at a campground–roaring around on their bikes, calling out to each other, “watch me watch me!” as they did wheelies over mounds of dirt and skidded around their feet as they braked…their presence to each other, their energy, their loudly contested “NO, it was only your FRONT wheel that got air!” or “Uh uh! BOTH my wheels got air!”...all enjoyed by me as I appreciated the outdoor time and freedom to just be 7, 8, and 9-years-old
…the same group of kids gathered at the end of the dock early one morning, fishing poles in hand, jostling each other, watching intently over the edge, sharing “fish” stories that seemed to get bigger and grander with each telling… 
…the 8-year-old girl totally immersed in playing in a bit of sand…all by herself…digging, piling, now and again glancing up to see what other kids were doing…then back to her sand creations. Immersed, lost in her play, no one telling her what or how to do anything.
I so enjoyed and appreciated the time and space all of these children had to just be KIDS.
To play, explore, get lost in thought, delight in each other. To be self-directed and imaginative. No adults obviously in the mix. Around, yes. Aware, yes. But totally out of the way…
...giving way for just what kids need lots of–free, non-adult-directed PLAY. Even the infants were given the opportunity to respectfully and with great joy experience one another.
THIS is relationship building.
Lovely. Here’s to all of you perhaps caught up in the craziness of daily life–pause for a moment and take a look around. Notice what you can appreciate right now. And notice how it feels to do so!
If you enjoy “Noticed and Appreciated” stories, here’s another for you: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/07/noticed-and-appreciated-so-much-learning/
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Rivalry! Sisters, brothers, cell phones…
March 4, 2020 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment
Sibling rivalry.
You know, the whining, fighting, crying, tugging, hitting…and how it drives us crazy, worries us, leaves us wondering if there’ll EVER be peace in the household?
I know, you are thinking I’m talking about your child’s relationship with their sister or brother and that maybe I’ll have some words of wisdom to help you with all that sibling rivalry .
What I want you to consider is this–I’m actually talking about your PHONE. Yes. Your phone. And yes, I’ll talk more about those brother and sister challenges…
Here’s the deal.
With more and more of our attention being drawn to all-things-phone–even when we THINK we are listening to our child, what our child is feeling is the competition for our attention.
Think of it this way–your phone has become your child’s rival.
And they whine. Drop to a puddle around our feet. Tell us loud and clear, “You aren’t LISTENING with your EYES!” Pick fights with others around them to get our attention. Hit. Grab. Want equal time on our phone–whether it is to figure out this rival for our attention and maybe be RID of it or discover just what it is we are so fascinated about that they decide this
must be how life is to be experienced and they want to be a part of this life–hence more a part of yours.
Connection. That is what they are seeking and will look for it any way they can, productive and healthy or not 🙂 .
Sibling rivalry among children is normal. It can be healthy. It is always an opportunity for the kids involved to learn a bit more about negotiating, problem solving, collaboration, compromise. It can truly be relationship-building as we join alongside our kids to help them out with all the big and loud feelings involved. Connection can more likely be at the forefront. Big feelings are learned about and better managed. I could go on and on…
Sibling rivalry with our phones is relationship-depleting. DIS-connecting. Interrupting. It communicates, “You aren’t important enough to give my full attention to.” “My ‘life’ on my phone is what is my priority.” “THIS is how our day/life is supposed to be spent.” “I’d rather constantly put out fires around me then pause long enough to help you learn and grow so fires are unnecessary.”
Hmmmm….now there’s a thought.
When we are constantly distracted, we tend to respond to everything around us from a reactive place. We wait until it is bad enough and then we give the “fire” (aka hitting, whining, crying, fighting) the cursory bucket of water (aka STOP THAT; QUIT or you’ll be sorry; Here, watch this movie and be quiet…). Whew. All is good. For a moment. And then it all starts back up again, for our child? They haven’t really learned anything more about how to manage themselves…mostly because we just toss that “bucket of water” over whatever “fire” with the hopes of avoiding it next time around.
Not very productive. Or healthy. Or relationship building.
Back to the phone deal. Here’s what we CAN do.
Notice our use of our phones. Be sure to turn them off or at least to silent when we are engaged with our child. Recognize the need to be away from our phones so we CAN be healthier, and our discomfort in doing so. See that discomfort as the gift of awareness it is–something you can work on little bits at a time.
When you feel that tug on your arm, PAUSE. Look at your child. Let them know you see and hear them. Tell them what they can expect AS you look at them. “I need to finish my text then I can give you my full attention.” OR “I can listen to you right now. My text can wait.”
Then follow through. With ALL of you. Your eyes, your body, your hands, your lap.
Try this today. Try practicing tucking your phone away for a bit and get used to a bit of discomfort…then turn to your child and really look at them and delight in being able to communicate, “YOU matter.”
And the rivalry can diminish…disappear…and CONNECTION–honest, real, meaningful CONNECTION leads the way.
Pretty amazing what happens when our children feel connected to us. Heard. Understood. Enjoyed. Pretty amazing what happens to US when we feel that way with ourselves.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Important Moments in the Day of a Baby
February 29, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Important moments in the day of a baby…
Diaper changes! Oh so many. The time we take to talk, sing, engage them in the process is so respectful–slow down and use this time to connect meaningfully with your little one. So much learning can occur with our respectful, gentle, engaged presence at the changing table. And when you have a crawler or roller on your hands who cannot stay still for even a second? Humor. Lightheartedness. Patience. Creative songs and fun things to look at. And maybe some naked time. And maybe even a bit of a wrestling match followed by, “See? We are all done! Thank you for getting your diaper on. Now we can…”
Nourishment…nursing, bottles, table food. Time for snuggles, full presence, gentle touching and language rich exchanges. And joy! Talking them through the new textures, the full tummy sensations, the burps, the variety of foods they try–language language language, ever so important.
Meal time becomes together time. And then they learn to throw, squish, poke, spit, feed the dog awaiting at the base of their high-chair. Know that this is still a valuable learning experience all about food and independence and in-charge-of-ME time. Patience! Extra wash cloths required. Sometimes extraction from high chair necessary. And eating/drinking being “all done…” Cup goes up to the counter and dog gets put outside…or allowed, like ours was, to take care of the mess left behind…
Transitions to sleep–a time to feel heard–“I’m tired! Help me settle. A time to be shown care and love and respect as they learn to shut out all the stimuli and drift off. A time to feel safe and secure and close to you, their needs fully met. A time for an understanding (and probably equally exhausted) parent tuned in to whether the cries they hear are needing immediate attention or a time to pause…listen for natural settling…and peek through a cracked door just to make sure all is well…a time to let your little one know they CAN let sleep come…
Floor time–to move freely, stretch, reach, roll, grasp, explore and examine. A time to grow their self-directed, choice driven nature. A time for us to respect by letting them explore safely, communicating our confidence in their ability to engage them selves in play. A time for us to be quietly present, able to respond and converse when our little one is ready. No need for lots of toys–babies learn best by exploring a simple environment.
Singing and conversation and dancing and reading and the outdoors. Those wonderful moments you spend fully engaged in give and take with your little one. Whether for only a moment (“You see the chickadee!”), or at length (book after book after book!), when you are tuned in to your baby’s joy and curiosity growth can be exponential.
Little moments in the life of a baby. Your full and respectful
presence at these times provides your little one with
the experiences needed to grow well.
No need to create moments–they can happen all day long through the care-giving that defines a baby’s day, through your awareness of their rhythm, through simple, slower, gentler exchanges. Patience, resilience, a light sense of humor (and a good nights sleep) can help us embrace these little moments fully.
The little moments. They are the foundation.
Another article about all things BABY you can find here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/04/to-cry-or-not-to-cry/
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Critical Needs of Young Children
January 18, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships Comment
Tell me, I’d like to know. 
How much time in nature does your child get each day? Or–what works to bring nature to your child if outdoors is limited?
How much movement is part of your child’s day? Movement via play, walking, running, climbing, plopping, dancing, rolling, stretching, etc…?
What does connection look like to you and your child? Do you and your little one enjoy time together reading, singing, dancing, playing, talking, l
aughing, or even just sitting together gazing out the window?
How about touch. Is there lots of warm and respectful touching…hugs, hand holding, back rubbing, rocking, lap time, leaning against each other, heads together, a light touch as you pass by, in your arms…?
I ask because these are four CRITICAL parts to a young child’s development. Move, Touch, Connect, Nature.
With plenty of all four, they can continue on a healthy path of development. They can feel and live the essential attachment and bonding. They can feel secure, calm, strong and coordinated.
They can do the hard and important work, as they grow, of lengthy focusing, of managing their feelings and bodies, of problem solving, of navigating social demands appropriately–negotiating, friendships, feelings…of attending and learning fully, of growing their independent selves just as they need to.
With plenty of all four they have a STRONG and SOLID foundation.
So tell me. What is working in your family to be sure each one of these makes up the majority of your child’s day? And what are YOUR plans this week to deposit soundly into your child’s essential foundation in life?
You may enjoy reading these for ideas and encouragement:
Important Moments in the Day of a Baby
Three Wise Women
December 15, 2019 Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed (and found on a local church’s restroom wall):
Three Wise Women would have…
…asked for directions
…arrived on time
…helped deliver the baby
…brought practical gifts
…cleaned the stable
…made a casserole
(and cleaned up, as well!)
And there would be Peace and Joy on Earth. (Author unknown)
May this put a smile on your face this holiday season!
Joyfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
The Importance of Meaningful Connection
December 3, 2019 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:
~ The active 7-year-old in line at the grocery store with his dad intentionally engaging him in just the best ways to channel his energy. Initially it was unloading the cart together while the boy’s feet and arms and legs danced away–dad handing the less fragile items to his son to be plunked on the counter. Then it was a gentle containing of his son by ‘trapping’ him within a space dad’s arms made, whispering to his son, engaging him fully with twinkly eyes and even a few nose kisses. What could have been the demands of a frustrated dad–“Stop it! Hold still. You’re going to break something…”–was instead a positive, relationship building moment as dad used his son’s energy to create a successful experience. Their total enjoyment of each other was a joy to see.
Truly a deposit into their relationship…and the choices dad made with how to respond to his son will positively influence any future store trips made. Fabulous.
~ The Grandpa in the grocery store oh-so-gently holding his infant grandson up close and snuggly as they walked alongside the baby’s moth
er pushing the grocery cart, the empty car-seat mixed in the with the groceries. His obvious pleasure in holding his new grandson and his gentle nature as he spoke softly to him spoke clearly of the lovely relationship he is intending to have with his grandson.
What a way to begin building that solid foundation–gently, closely, warmly…lucky (blessed!) baby.
~ The college student willing to take a full day away from studies and friends to visit h
er Grandmom with increasing dementia. A long drive, a long visit, and all she expressed was the complete joy she experienced sitting alongside G’mom, sharing photos of a trip, hearing G’mom go ’round and ’round with the same stories and questions.
The student’s patience, love, and appreciation of her G’mom just the way she is is a gift for all who witnessed it.
Take time today to notice what you can appreciate…what puts a smile on your face..where quiet joy is being shared. Know this includes appreciating the difficult moments–the strengths being called upon such as the resilience of a parent with an upset child, the intentional choice to take a short break in order to care for yourself, the helpful hand from another as a parent juggles the crying baby and screaming toddler, and LOUD demands of a preschooler. Look at each situation you find yourself in, you notice others in, and appreciate. I think you will discover your experience to shift to a more affirming, uplifting one. And this energy will emanate out to others around you.
We really do have the ability to create the experiences we want.
And our children will follow suit.
With appreciation and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam
Motherhood Moments
November 17, 2019 Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment
Motherhood!
Caught in a series of drawings by Paula Kuka that had me laughing, enjoying, remembering, thinking, agreeing, and pausing. I think all of these Motherhood Moments are wonderful! Go check them all out via the link at the end of my post.
Meanwhile…let me apologize. The Moment I share here on this post? It had me pausing. If you follow me then you know how I feel and what I share in regards to our use of digital devices and the impact this can have on our children and relationships. A very real and relationship-depleting impact, quite often.
I’m one of *those* who can see the mama in the lower half of this drawing and catch myself starting to criticize what she is doing–spending outdoor time with her little one and also being on her phone at the same time. Yes, I can lose sight of what probably had filled her day prior to heading out for a much needed break, fresh air, exercise. And I apologize for this. It is never a helpful thing, to criticize or judge.
To be fair to myself (and you), I also find myself catching that criticism (PAUSE!) that wants to bubble up and I consider all I don’t know about another’s day, life, what led to heading outdoors to walk and talk on a cell with a young child in tow. I know that many-a-time it is exactly as this drawing depicts and I can totally relate to it, albeit not via use of a cell phone. Those were the days I plunked my child in front of Mister Rogers, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street and then took care of ME–or at least got chores done and dinner made without an octopus around my legs and whining filling my ears
Also to be fair to myself I know, from watching, talking with many parents, having exchanges with a number of you, that it has become normal and familiar, therefore seemingly okay to spend time with your little one with your attention distracted by the phone no matter what else you are doing. Hence my initial reaction to this drawing…thinking, “Oh man. This–as the newfound normal–really isn’t okay!” The hard of staying fully present to whatever you are doing or whomever you are with has gotten harder. And you all have expressed this. And I keep hoping my work and my colleagues’ work is helping encourage you to choose otherwise–to be truly Tech Intentional.
And to be fair to each of YOU, I KNOW that many of you are working hard at balancing this. To be Tech Intentional. To not let your digital life intrude too often in your time with your children and families. Because really, it just doesn’t work very well or feel very good. For parents or children.
I am sorry. For forgetting that perhaps this Mama was finally getting the breather she so desperately needs.
I will continue to work at affirming and appreciating any and all Mama’s out and about with child in tow (phone or no phone!), whether I know their story or not–because really, isn’t it more about feeling cared for and accepted in the moment you are in, as you are, no matter the choices being made? Because it is then that we are more likely going to listen, make different, healthier, intentional choices that align with the kind of relationships, experiences, and life we want the most.
Here’s to all of you Mamas! And a huge thank you to the artist, Paula Kuka.
Enjoy ALL these drawings via https://www.demilked.com/motherhood-comics-paula-kuka/.
With appreciation and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
What Have You Noticed?
November 11, 2019 Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…
...The snowsuit clad 3-year-old, arms spread wide, flying his way down the snowy sidewalk behind his mother and 2 dogs. He paused a
s we neared each other…then proceeded to demonstrate just the right noises for an airplane, passed his mother by, and banked around the corner flying his way down the path. His mother was thoroughly engaged with her son, enjoying his flying, encouraging it, and laughing her way along their ‘walk.’ Loved it. Especially her full presence to all that was unfolding…
…My friend who intentionally shared with me her observation of a 9-month-old at a basketball game. Rather than focusing on the game, she found herself enthralled with the infant who, with arms spread wide and hands wiggling back and forth, was intent on reaching a jiggling silver pom pom nearby. My friend shared how intensely focused he was, his whole body engaged in watching and reaching–you know, the wiggling arms and hands, bobbing head, bouncing legs…it brought her joy to watch, it brought me joy to hear about it. And the baby’s parents? They caught on and began to engage their son in a game of touch the pom pom and shake shake shake…and the joy spread.
…A preschooler who spent time on my floor totally involved in sorting pattern blocks, pieces of straws, and pegs into a muffin tin. Her focus and her sorting (by color) was fascinating to watch…her joy at accomplishment, followed by promptly dumping it all out into yet another container to mix and “make muffins!” put a smile on my face. And then she found my rubber maid cupboard…container after container pulled out and filled. Totally fun. Self-directed. Completely immersed in her own thoughts and ideas. Fabulous.
What have you appreciated and enjoyed of recent?
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Simple Moments…Truly Relationship-Building
August 15, 2019 Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! 2 Comments
Simple moments noticed and appreciated:
The dad who was enjoying the **bounce** that defined his 4-year-old daughter as she practiced her galloping skills in Walmart…
The parent respectfully and patiently waiting as his son was touching and counting each different bag of dog food before choosing the kind they came for…
The mama who, as her very frustrated and back-arching and giant tears 11-month-old let it be known just how MAD he felt, sat calmly nearby, stopping him from doing the unsafe crawling into Big Brother’s Swing Zone, and said, “You are really frustrated. You wanted to crawl over by Big Brother and I stopped you because it wasn’t safe.” That’s all. She waited, and rubbed his back, and waited some more. Then, “You are still upset. I can see that.” And waited some more. Slowly he stopped his Great Big Cry, crawled up onto her lap, checked in, and then happily, contentedly went on his way…
The dad curled up on a chair at the library with his daughter nestled in his lap–thoroughly absorbed in stories…
The mama who trailed ever-so-slowly alongside her young son, trudging ever-so-happily through mucky mud, poking with a stick, splashing and splooshing through the very soggy ground…and then plunking himself down in the biggest of the puddles…with mama nearby, watching, knowing full well there was a set of dry clothes inside their camper….
The mama who respected her toddler’s “outoftheway” statement as he moved out of the way on the zoo path, awaiting others to pass him by…she waited (‘outoftheway’) patiently until her little one decided the coast was clear and together they moved on along the path…
The dad and mom who, on request of their 9-year-old son, happily joined in on first a tag game, then a hide and seek game–all around a friend’s house laughing and hiding and carrying on. What a wonderful deposit into their relationship with their son…
The mom who joined in playfully as her son tried to go FAST down the store aisle. She gathered him up in her arms and together they jogged s.l.o.w.l.y, laughter over taking them both!
The teens who noticed the toddler watching their ball game and came to him, knelt down, and asked if he’d like to play ball, too. And off he toddled with the teens who then adjusted their play to include a 2-year-old in just the right way.
The young preschooler with eyes all alight as an unknown and friendly adult shared (and showed!) how the rabbit this adult just watched in the woods wiggled its nose, rubbed its face, scratched its tummy…and soon this young preschooler? He was doing the Rabbit Dance as he, too, wiggled his nose, rubbed his face, scratched his tummy…
The young adults who stepped up in front of a large crowd at their G’mom’s Celebration of Life, sharing stories of their own about their G’mom and how she delighted in important-to-them things in life. Such as Beanie Baby Collections, Harry Potter books, eating yummy desserts, good-looking actors on posters plastered on bedroom walls…the LIGHT in these young adults’ eyes as they shared filled many people’s hearts as we all reflected on how special G’mom was…connection at its best.
Presence. Joy. Connection. Simple moments. They are powerful.
Simple moments like these are deposits into healthy and positive relationships. Simple moments like these give children the connection and space necessary to grow well.
Simple moments. Let them fill your day.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
HOW Do We Get Our Kids To…
July 29, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment
We feel like it is OUR job to…
…Get our kids to fall asleep…stay asleep…just SLEEP. 
…Eat what and when we serve them–I remember so well the “Clean your plate!” admonishments in our family…and many others, as well. “No dessert until…!” Or how about, “Lunch is in two hours. You’ll just have to wait…”
…Make sure they are a good friend…or have friends….or just make friends.
…Keep them from feeling sad, left out, hurt. Or STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD.
…Do whatever it takes to make sure they DON’T feel sad, left out, hurt–or…do whatever it takes to make them happy once again. And definitely STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD. Mostly because we can’t handle it.
…Make sure they do their homework…get their homework “right”…remember to turn IN their homework–especially the homework YOU worked so hard on getting them to finish or just went ahead and did for them.
On and on we go…
And we get more and more frustrated, stressed, reactive, heartbroken along the way…because our kids? They know, intuitively, that how they choose to think, feel, and behave is really THEIR job. Yet when we make it ours, they no longer have to take responsibility for sleeping, eating, being a good friend, feeling happy-sad-mad-successful…for they can count on us to continue to poke, prod, nag, bribe, yell, remind, do for them all these things we feel it is our job to do in order for our kids to grow well.
And now we have children who are less likely to feel competent, capable, confident in their abilities. Children who have no idea how to manage feelings. Children who rebel, comply, struggle more than necessary and for longer periods of time.
Consider this–what if you were to focus instead on growing capable, competent, confident-in-their-abilities children and put your efforts toward creating an environment conducive to your child taking charge of the sleep, eating, friendships, homework, upset feelings? Now how might that look? Perhaps:
For sleep…a calming routine for all ages that evolves with age.
Things like:
Gentle rocking for your baby as they work themselves to settle or respect for them to fuss themselves to sleep on their own in their crib. Or rubbing their back or saying to them, “I know you can let sleep come. I’ll be back in 5 minutes to check on you.” And then you keep your promise.
Perhaps stories and songs and snuggles or a bath followed by a snack followed by stories and a back rub. And patience galore when it seems like you have to start all over again with stories, songs, backrub…
Maybe your company quietly lying next to them. Probably a quieter environment with special guys or blankies or other sleep buddies (and NO screens). And again, your patience 🙂
Maybe acceptance for flashlights and late-night-under-the-covers reading with our older kids. Or taking OURSELVES off to bed after saying a good-night to your still awake child, communicating your confidence that they can take charge of their own sleep needs.
Letting go of all of this sleep happening in OUR time frame and respecting our child’s work at this oftentimes tough transition. That’s the tough part. Helping them to “let sleep come” can be a lengthy process…
For eating…providing healthy foods, regular mealtimes, enjoyable and connected mealtimes where:
Conversation is had and full presence is in place. Creativity called upon as yet again the answers to your inquiries are filled with, “I dunno.” “Maybe.” “Uh uh.” 🙂
ALL digital devices off the table, silenced, put away. Absolutely.
Respect is given for a child feeling full or feeling hungry. “You’re done? Great! Please take your plate to the counter.” “You’re hungry? Dinner is in an hour. Would carrots and some cheese help you wait?”
Most especially mealtimes that are focused on being together and sharing stories…now you are more likely positively influencing your child to eat well, healthily, and tuned in to their own body’s needs.
For friendships…role modeling the kindness, respect and FUN people can have together.
Such as:
Providing lots of opportunity to play freely and at length. Outdoors whenever possible! Little to no adult supervision–at least, obvious adult supervision…:-)
Inviting the single friend over for your quiet child, multiples for your extrovert. Choosing a friend to join the family adventure or welcoming in the neighborhood kids to roar around the yard.
Sitting alongside your child as they experience the inevitable hurt feelings–role modeling again the kindness and compassion you hope to see them exhibit towards others. Oh how this tugs on heartstrings! Take care of YOU, as well.
Making sure the kinds of toys you provide are easy for your toddler and preschooler to “share”–blocks, Lego, markers, playdough, books. Or just head OUT side and you’ll find way less conflict to occur!
Stepping up family time when your elementary child is on the receiving end of unkind remarks, of not being invited to birthday parties, is left out of play on the playground–step up family time, do more together, let your child experience positive and kind and fun with YOU until they are ready to reach out once again to another. What a way to respect their struggle without communicating that you have to fix it for them–and instead communicating your confidence in their ability to move through it well.
For homework…creating a comfortable, un-distracted time each day for doing homework, perhaps snack included…
Ideas include:
Making it a time of connection and presence. Maybe by sitting with your child, or busily working nearby. I often got kitchen work done while my girls sat nearby doing their homework. Kept me tuned in and available if they needed help.
Asking your child questions rather than telling them what to do. “Tough one, hmmm? What have you tried so far?” “What would happen if you tried adding, first, then doing the other part of the problem?”
Trusting their ability to learn rather than “making sure they do.” Now they can call learning their own. THIS empowers.
Having a routine in place each evening or morning that makes it easier for them to remember to gather all their work together–and letting go of whether they remember or not. Now they can own the result of this choice when they get to school and realize they’ve forgotten their work…
For all those uncomfortable feelings…the ones we’d like our children never to experience for it hurts us so much…
Try things such as:
Creating a space they can feel safe in, loved in, heard in. Physical or emotional one. My girls and I would snuggle on our big poof chair (think beanbag filled with foam). We’d squish in together, sit side by side, and feelings would pour out. A young boy I know feels best in his room. He can get out all kinds of MAD there and know it is okay. 
Being the calm and connected parent alongside them in their great big sad, affirming, maybe asking questions but mostly listening. And rubbing backs, sometimes. Hugs welcomed often.
Exploring with them how something feels, what they think another felt, what could help in these situations. Exploring rather than making. Letting go of “solving the problem” and instead be curious and explore. That’s all.
What does all this require from us?
Patience. Trust in our children and the process growth is. Calm confidence in just what we intend to grow. Understanding and knowledge of child development. Support. The ability to PAUSE and calm ourselves. Our OWN growth. Self-care so we can be all these things.
It requires us managing our own feelings–especially our anxiety. Taking care of our anxiety so it doesn’t lead the way and have us “making our kids” rather than guiding and influencing our kids. Now that’s relationship building! Taking care of our anxiety so our kids can, too. Taking care of our anxiety so we can relax, trust our child’s growth process, focus on how capable and competent they can be, and let go of having it OUR way so they can find THEIR way.
Now our children have the opportunity to grow as capable,
competent, confident souls for they can take responsibility for themselves, be in charge of what they think, feel, and do, know more clearly from the inside out what they are all about.
Today…PAUSE. Focus on yourself in whatever situation you find yourself trying to “make your kids” do something. Tap into your calm, confident self. Know that you can create the environment that is going to support your child’s growth as one amazing individual. Let this communicate your confidence in your child’s growing abilities–what an empowering message to a child when a parent exhibits trust and confidence in them–especially as their child struggles.
Respect the process growth is.
Here’s to you today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Keeping Our Children Safe
June 8, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment
Consider these…
Your baby begins to pull up and travel a bit around furniture and all of a sudden his little hands can reach those fragile items, the knives in the drawer, the tantalizing pot burbling away atop the hot stove.
Whew! Quick! If you ha
ven’t already now it IS time to baby proof–to think about and then act upon putting the fragile items up high, poisons and sharp knives behind locked doors and drawers or whatever works in your family to keep Baby safe, healthy, growing strong. And you do so.
And as Baby grows, you get busy showing her how to stay back from the hot oven as you open it, to carefully stir the oatmeal in the pot on the stove alongside you, to use first a butter knife to practice cutting until you are confident she can handle a small sharp knife. You TEACH. Safety skills for keeping your little one safe, healthy, growing strong–and learning!
Your five-year-old happily dumps her thousands of Lego blocks all over the floor to immerse herself in building and creating.
Uh-oh! New development in your home. Your 15-month-old wants to be right in the middle of all those small and choke-able items. Quick! Figure out a new way for Lego to be played so your little one CAN be safe, healthy, growing strong. Maybe Miss Five can play with them up on the table, or behind closed doors. Maybe, as you think about ideas, you can just be sure to be right there with your young toddler to show him just what he CAN play with, put in his mouth, or how Lego blocks can be used. What a way to keep your little one safe, healthy, growing strong. Think of all the learning!
Because you are quite clear about keeping your child SAFE as you unload from your parked car on a busy street or in a busy parking lot…
…you’ve thought ahead about grabbing that grocery cart before unbuckling anybody, or having your backpack ready to roll for your child to load up in, or talking ahead of time about holding hands or being carried. You’ve thought about it and are purposeful with just what you do. Including being gently firm with your dash-away-from-you toddler 🙂 Teaching, guiding, and learning that will keep your child safe, healthy, growing strong.
We are quite good at taking care with how we handle the above kinds of situations and many more along our journeys as parents. Sometimes after the fact a bit, sometimes ahead of time–and either way, we’ve thought a bit or for a while; we’ve become intentional with what we do.
We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.
It’s so darn overwhelming, isn’t it? And yet, look at all we already do with care and purpose in order to keep our children safe, healthy, growing strong and learning. Let’s look at how we can do so with technology, as well. Because really, there will be times when we are exhausted, sick, tending to a sick one, talking at length with Grandma who is having real troubles, frying up meat that is spattering oil all over the kitchen and kids just CAN’T be underfoot. We have to have something to entertain our kids in these moments that is quick and easy (if they are unable to entertain themselves…). And our default these days are iPhones, video games, iPads, shows to watch, and on and on.
Thoughts for you as you become purposeful and thoughtful about just what IS safe and healthy for your child…
***Choose Apps with care. Be sure there is no marketing of products to your child. Be sure there is no violence or other inappropriate content. Be sure you are comfortable with the story-line, the game, whether there is an ability to drift off onto the internet into unknown territory…
***Think about the content of anything you let your child watch, “do”, play with--does it support the kind of relationships you want them to be exposed to? Does it represent healthy ways to live and be? Is it something that spurs real conversation within your family?
***Consider audio books for your child to listen to…or books on the iPad that are used only in those moments of exhaustion, illness, cooking fatty meat on the stove 🙂 When your child gets them only at these times, they become special–and something that truly engages them just when you need it the most.
Or maybe jus
t have a box of books or special items saved for just these moments. That’s what we did…and it works.
***Consider behavior following device use. Are they acting out? Scared? Worried? Discover why. Ask about what they saw. Let it guide YOU in considering, again with purpose, what might be better choices of Apps, videos, games.
***Educate yourself in regards to children being exposed to too much screen time. Let this knowledge guide you as you purposefully choose what is right for your children and family. You can find a lot of excellent info at the Children’s Sreen Time Action Network.
***Take a look around your home and be sure it supports your child in being safe, healthy, growing strong. Put phones out of sight and on silent during family time and meals. Watch your own use of devices when with your children. Use a real camera, a real watch, a real alarm clock. Talk about why you choose with care what and how you do all things digital. Keep all screens OUT of bedrooms. Have specific places for devices to be kept and charged, rather than spread all over the house. I know one family who has a small wooden box set up in an out-of-the-way place where all devices get dropped once home. Now they can no longer distract and it becomes an intentional act to retrieve them.
The more we can use our strength at being
purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more
likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping
them as safe as we can.
Start today. Help your child learn with care how to BE with all the devices in your house-hold. Keep “safe, healthy, strong” as your filter, showing your little one up to your teen how best to use technology so it can be part of healthy growth and development. Because it can. With your care, your awareness, your strength at being purposeful.
With HOPE and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Choice. It really can be confusing.
April 12, 2019 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
We know we need to give our little ones a choice, that it can make things go more smoothly, that now they are more likely to do what needs to be done, for they feel more in charge of it all….and yet, sometimes all those choices end up muddling everything up.
“But I GAVE him a choice!”
“I don’t know what choice to give…”
“There IS no choice! It just has to happen!”
Choice. It really can be so confusing…
You know what? Sometimes it’s okay to not give a choice–maybe even necessary to skip what feels like a choice. Sometimes giving choices just makes matters worse–like those times we have a tired little guy on our hands and we try to offer up enticing choices to help head them in the direction we’d like, and instead we end up with a puddle of a child on the floor…or avoiding you with all the nimbleness (and loud-ness!) only a young child has.
Yes, choices are good, kids do need them–this is how they learn to be accountable, to figure out what they like, don’t like, can and can’t do, are or aren’t responsible for. And sometimes is okay to make the choice for them.
Yet really, choice is still inherent in those times.
Let’s explore this a bit…
Let’s say your toddler is tired. You know it–for you know your little guy well and can see all the signs–the way he stops being able to focus for long on any one thing, the rubbing of the eyes, the cranking up of activity and behavior. You know they are tired. THEY know nap is the last thing they want–I mean, really, who’d want to leave the fun of a party, the adventure of playing and exploring, the important people in your life to check out for a while and sleep?! 
Of course, if you ask, “Are you ready for a nap?” their answer is an emphatic NO. If you give them a choice of, say, “Do you want me to pick you up or do you want to walk all by yourself?” their answer will be to turn and run in the opposite direction.
Maybe they are asking for more food, to play a bit more, to read this book and that book and go pet the kitty and run down the hall and again ask to eat. And sometimes we actually get fooled by this, thinking if we just let them have another bite to eat, play a bit longer, read one more book it will make the move to nap smoother. Maybe it does–again, knowing your child well and trusting yourself is key. However…
…more often than not we are just adding fuel to the fire…so…
…this is where you get to say,“I see you think you’d like more to eat/more time to play/read one more book. I think what you are really feeling is tired. It is time for nap. Let’s go get your diaper changed….” And you calmly and gently pick them up to head down the hall.
If they go willingly? Now you are talking softly to them about what they can expect. “We’ll get you all dry for your nap and read three books. I wonder if you’d like one about the scoop shovel, or the one about the duck?” NOW it is time for a real choice! They are ready and relieved because you’ve made the initial decision for them–that nap time it is.
If they arch their back, turn into jello legs, and resist LOUDLY to all suggestion of a nap? Here’s where you get to continue with what feels like a lack of choice,”I know, it is so much fun playing. I can tell how tired you are. We will change your diaper and snuggle with our books…” Guidance–calm, connected, respectful. Sometimes that is all that is needed.
Your calm as they express their discontent. Your affirmation of how they feel. Your gentle and firm guidance towards nap.
Now they can feel safe even as they feel upset. What a comfort that ultimately is for a child to have a parent okay with how upset they feel. This may be enough.
Sometimes they need more.
Again, you get to choose. “You really are having a tough time being ready to settle for diapers and books.” You know your child well–maybe walking over to their bedroom window and gazing outside for a bit, commenting without asking for any input on what you see will help them settle a bit. I know it often did for my girls.
Maybe pausing and looking at them arching their back in your arms and saying, “Why don’t we sit a bit on the rocking chair…maybe we could start with a book or sing a song before we change diapers…” Or maybe, after a moment of respecting those big feelings, you realize they really do need a drink of water or milk to ease them into nap mode.
Then perhaps, as they settle, a choice that works for them is offered. “Oh…you are ready for that diaper change. Do you want to take your special guy up to the changing table or shall we play our peek-a-boo game…remember how mommy likes to nibble your toes?!” You know best what it is that engages them the most and you’ve given them a bit of space and time to first get their upset out–key for respecting their mad without wavering from the nap-time needs.
This is where choice is inherent. As you make the choice for them, they still have the control over how THEY choose to feel about it. Their choice to get mad, sad, even over-the-top upset.
Your calm connection and gently firm guidance helps them tremendously in managing their choice to be upset, in feeling heard and understood, in being helped towards discovering that certain things need to happen and you are there to help them through it as best as possible.
It communicates safety and security. It communicates respect.
Your calm connection and gently firm guidance says, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot.”
What a way to grow a child from the inside-out–being respected, affirmed, heard, gently shown the way.
What a way to build a relationship based on trust–on being able to count on what you say, you mean and will do.
What a way for a child to still feel in control for you have taken the time to listen and affirm their choice of how to feel. Key for healthy relationships.
So today, trust your instincts as you look at your little one and know clearly that what they need the most is for you to gently guide them towards just what is most important right now. Allow for the feelings. Notice what works for you to be calm and gentle, yet firm. Let calm connection always lead the way.
Choice. It is key and it looks many different ways. Here’s to your confidence in the choices you make today!
You can find more about choices right here: Choices Choices Choices–Help!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
The Magic of Respect
January 25, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
You know the cool thing about respectful interactions?
All the amazing things that emerge…
…babies who actively participate in care-giving routines–perhaps via closing their eyes and scrunching up their faces when you as
k, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves.
What a way to grow their capable and competent selves.
…toddlers who are willing to stop what they are doing and come with you right away because most of the time you respect what they are working on and give them the time they need to finish. Toddlers who actually consider what you are saying and asking…and then nod happily and join in with the job. Pretty neat, the more we respect them, the more they listen and cooperate.
…older children who feel confident and in charge of themselves (so essential for a healthy self-esteem and identity come teen years!) because all along mom and dad have respected their limits, their feelings. You know, all those tickling, rough housing, pillow fights, peek-a-boo games we love to keep going? Our stopping when our child indicates they’ve had enough communicates our respect for their ability to manage themselves, know their own feelings, be in charge of their bodies.
…child
ren able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.
Or spending 20 minutes trying to coordinate broom and dustpan and pile of dirt, getting frustrated, trying again, finding out the dirt spills off when they angle the pan wrong, trying again…getting frustrated…flopping on the floor…playing in the pile of dirt…then up and trying AGAIN.
Our affirmations and quiet presence as they move through the frustrations communicates our respect for the job they are doing; for their own ideas and decisions.
When we respect our child enough to keep
interruptions minimal, they have the opportunity to grow
themselves as a self-directed individual.
They now have the opportunity to truly learn what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do, to persevere, to think creatively, to discover how they feel…what a gift for their entire future, school and otherwise! And way less whining and “I’m bored!” to push your buttons, making our job a tad bit easier :-).
…young children saying, “I frusserated!” “STOP, I don’t like that!” “I need a hug.” “Mommy, I’m MAD at you!” rather than tantrums, melt-downs, hitting and biting. With our respectful affirmations and naming of their feelings without trying to fix them, our children learn to manage them selves–with words, stomping feet, withdrawing into their blankies…all the while working on learning just what we hope–appropriate expression of all those big feelings. Respect allows for this.
…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.
They know for sure that how they feel, what they think, and what they are interested in doing is important to you–and when anyone feels that way they are much more likely to listen, compromise, collaborate. To create those win/win solutions.
With respect in place, you are more likely to
nurture the growth of a self-directed, focused, persevering,
creative, problem solving, cooperative and collaborative
strong future teen and adult.
What more could we ask for?
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
I spy!
January 7, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment
Oh the JOY of a Mr. Nearly Four:
“I spy…something BROWN!”
“Is it…square?”
“Yeeesss…” (giggle giggle)
“Are there lots of them?”
Eyes roving…twinkling…head nodding.
“I know! It’s the cupboards!!”
“YES!” Giggles taking completely over.
“I spy…something black and grey and fuzzy…”
And on the game went. And oh, the JOY of playing! I had the privilege of spending time with Mr. Nearly Four and his Soon-to-be One-year-old brother. So many “little” things noticed and appreciated…such as…
...how Mr. Nearly Four could immerse himself in all things imaginative as we were all squeezed into a small camper with (seemingly) little to do.
Like…”Alice! Did you hear that scrunching noise? What do you s’pose made it? Maybe a dragon swishing his giant tail..?” And how he wiggled himself into my lap and reflected on stories we had made up about a certain fish in his life. Stories that began nearly a year ago…oh, the DELIGHT in re-telling them! And his curious explorations of how windows opened, lights turned on, switches controlled things (and then making all of this happen!). Discovery at its best.
…how Mr. Soon-to-be One quietly studied the small, new surroundings…watched these New-To-Him people…and on his own time and in his own way connected.
Like…crawl crawl crawl the short distance from table to bed and then PEEK back to say (all by the look on his face) “Come CHASE me!” And oh! The giggles and delight over this new to him adult (me!) crawl crawl crawling right after him…catching his toes. Or how he discovered the scratchy sound he could make on the chair fabric, or how his fingers could slip under and out and under again the edge of the carpet, or how he could make the lamp move on its hinge and worked at trying to get what looked like a small ball off the lamp…to no avail…
…how Mr. 
Nearly Four, despite ongoing conversation between other adults in this small space, could get completely absorbed in a book being read to him. Completely absorbed. All snuggled up together in a chair… This ability to focus at length on something? What a gift. For he will need that all through school and life in order to learn and grow well.
…and how Mr. Soon-to-be One, when a small toy turtle passed right by and out of his reach, he BURST into tears, folded himself in half and let all around him know how disappointed he felt that turtle passed him by. And how his mama rubbed his back and named his feeling and let him do the crying he needed. And when turtle made his way back towards Mr. Soon-to-be One? The SMILE that spread across his face…and off he crawled to follow Mr. Turtle, examine Mr. Turtle, taste Mr. Turtle…
Oh the JOY. Of simple things. Seemingly little things.And yet, all of this? Self-discovery at its best. Growth of so many necessary abilities–focus and attention, language, imagination, problem solving, understanding and managing feelings to name a few. These “little moments?” They mean a lot. Make the most of them every chance you can, for they really grow into the big things.
They “grow into” those wonderful, close, meaningful, healthy relationships that is what we all want the most. They ARE the connection between each other that has us able to grow in all ways wonderful.
Today, relish those little moments. They count–tremendously.
Here’s to the start of a wonderful week!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
We Need to KNOW and Say NO
November 7, 2018 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment
What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…
…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?
…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?
…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody? 
…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?
…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?
I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.
How would your CHILD feel if…
…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?
…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?
…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?
…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?
…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?
I think the
y’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.
And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.
Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.
Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.
Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.
Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.
Instead, they become passive.
They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.
Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.
Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung. 
Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.
When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.
This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.
Consider brain development.
Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.
What CAN we do?
Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.
PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.
Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.
Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights. 
PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.
PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:
Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.
Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.
Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.
Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…
Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.
I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.
To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.
Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.
That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.
In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.
It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.
Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
“What does my child NEED?”
November 6, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
A mom-ism to share. One of those bits of wisdom that my mother (AKA Grandmom or G’mom for short) gave me.
Back in the day when my eldest was a baby I called her in tears. I was sleep deprived, I just couldn’t “get” my baby to stay asleep or fall back to sleep without me holding and rocking and always being there. Oh how tired I was. Oh how worried I was–was this going to be FOREVER??? NEVER sleeping without a constant ME?
And mom said one of the wisest and most impactful things to me…
“When you answer her need, (those rather unwanted) habits disappear…or even better, never form.”
She didn’t tell me what to do. She didn’t tell me how she thought I SHOULD be doing it. She didn’t say I was spoiling my baby or ruining her or anything like that. Nope. Just her insightful comment that took me in another direction entirely.
So I asked myself–what did my baby need? And I knew already. She needed ME. She needed to know I was there. She was young enough (2-3 months!) to still see herself as a part of me, rather than separate from me. That was coming soon, those first stages of separation…and boy, do they bring some new and challenging experiences!
I chose to answer her need. To go to her and be there for her. My mom’s words and the action I then took brought little to no ease in regards to MY sleep–at least, not initially.
But they brought ease to my heart. And with ease in my heart…
…I felt more connected. I UNDERSTOOD my baby’s need and I was answering it. Confidence wormed its way in. My heart calmed down. I calmed down. And you know what? Even though sleep was constantly interrupted, I felt BETTER. From there, eventually, my little one began to sleep better. Longer. Less interrupted. The incredible TIRED I could feel just didn’t seem so heavy any more.
And here’s the deal--I have used my mother’s Mom-ism all throughout my parenting journey. As challenges arise, I try to PAUSE first. And then ask myself, “What does my child need?” “What is she really asking for behind all this UPSET?” “What is she needing the most from me in order to move through this tumultuous stage and settle a bit?” “What does she need to be and feel that more independent soul she is pushing so hard to become?”
The answer isn’t always clear. The direction I take doesn’t always work. But the question always remains the same. “What does my child NEED?”
And I figured it out. You can, too. Start with asking the question and then take the steps you think will help answer it. Because really, that is what all of this parenting deal is about–answering our growing children’s physical, mental, and emotional needs along a developmental timeline that is quite a journey…different yet similar to everyone else’s…unique and challenging and in the long run, quite amazing.
And the magic of it all is what emerges. With needs answered, calm connection and confidence and clarity emerges. Children feel understood, supported, empowered and can grow their capable, competent selves…and so can we Relationships can be deposited into and eventually THRIVE.
Thank you, mom. Again, I treasure all you’ve given me in your life time and I know you knew that–because I told you. May your spirit continue to lift and inspire me and others. And may I continue to ask myself the same question as my now adult daughters turn to me once again…“What does my child NEED?”
With JOY and appreciation and heartfelt gratitude,
Your daughter, Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Squeals of delight!
October 26, 2018 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment
Story time!
A Mama and a five-month-old baby. Floor time for the chubby little guy. Fussiness begins. Mama says, “You need something. I wonder if you’d like to play airplane?” Followed by her signing airplane, flying her hand slowly across his field of vision.
Squeals of delight! Body wiggles and smiles spread. Mama picks up her son, saying, “You want to play airplane!” Down on the floor Mama goes, baby on her legs, flying gently back and forth while singing a lovely airplane song. More smiles and squeals of delight. Mama obviously got this request just right! 
Fast forward and hour or so. Baby on floor again, beginning to fuss. Mama says, “I hear you. You need something. Would you like to play airplane again?” Her hands signing airplane, flying gently across her son’s field of vision.
Silence. Baby turns his head aside and stops his wiggling.
“Ahhh…”, Mama said, “You don’t want to play airplane. That isn’t what you want.” Baby turns again to look at her, fussing louder. “Let’s pick you up and see what you might need.” Up went Baby and LUNGE his little hands went toward her chest–“You are ready to eat! Let’s get settled on the couch…”
And off they went to nurse.
What a simply wonderful, respectful, relationship building round of interactions. What is communicated to her baby as she listens, asks questions, and respects just what it is he is asking for? I believe:
“I trust you to know just what you need.
I have confidence in your ability to manage yourself. I respect how you feel and what you need. You can trust me to
listen and understand. You can trust me
to answer your needs.”
What a way to begin building the foundation of inner direction, self-awareness, of a child who understands what THEY like, don’t like, can do, cannot do, are responsible for, are not responsible for, how they feel…what a way to begin building a mutually respectful, positive, deeply connected relationship. What a way to grow Baby’s language comprehension, future language skills, and all other brain healthy things. What a way to begin growing a capable, competent child. What a way to grow, period.
Mama could’ve ignored her baby’s desire to NOT play airplane the second time around. She could have just picked him up anyway and begun playing what she knew to be a favorite game. Maybe he’d have settled into it for a short while, but more likely he would have gotten louder in his upset.
What might have she communicated by ignoring his signal for NOT playing airplane? I believe:
“You really don’t mean what you just told me. I know better than you what you meant.” Not a recipe for growing an inner-directed soul who knows just what they want…need…feel. Not a recipe for growing someone able to trust themselves.
“You really don’t feel this way, I know better than you how you feel.” Do we really want to grow future adults who need to look to others to know how they feel? And YES, sometimes we do “know better” how they feel–so naming that feeling and using our words to talk about what we will do is key: “I think you really need to sleep. Let’s try settling to a nap…”
“I don’t trust what you are trying to tell me.” And oh how we WANT them to grow their ability to trust themselves–and us!
“You can’t count on me to respect how you feel.” Respect. Key for healthy relationships and it begins in infancy.
No, instead Mama listened, watched, trusted her baby. She asked him questions and respected his response. Yes, five-month-old babies can tell us plenty–if we watch with care, talk about what we see, respect how they feel. They can tell us so many important things about themselves–and all the while learning so much about themselves, about us, about relationships, about…well…everything.
Even when we have to do something different from what Baby is asking for, we can do it with respect, care, questions, language that helps them understand a bit more.
We can do it gently, affirming out loud what they’d really like and why they may have to wait. We can build their trust in us by following through gently with just what we said needed to happen, “You really want to see Papa RIGHT AWAY. Your diaper is dirty and we need to change it first. Then you can go see Papa!” “You are ready to nurse. I need to use the bathroom first, and then we can settle on the couch together.” “I know you don’t want to get buckled in safely in your car-seat. We are headed out in the car and it is time. Let’s sing a song…”
It was with immense appreciation and joy that I witnessed this lovely, simple exchange between a Mama and Baby. It is in its simplicity that it speaks so loudly for the kind of relationships necessary in order to grow and live well.
Today, listen first. Ask questions. Respect choices. Be calm and consistent with your follow-through. Name and affirm feelings–always! And know, by doing so–no matter what age child you have–you’ve just created a relationship building experience.
How cool is that?
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Parenting Success RECIPE!
August 24, 2018 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
A Recipe for YOUR Parenting Success
Growing a healthy, ready to learn child and a family that can thrive (from Alice’s Cookbook)
Combine:
A pinch to many cupfuls of Self-Care
Large amounts of The Three C’s (Calm, Connection, Consistency)
Multiple dollops of Being Bored and Empty Spaces
Infinite helpings of Respect Feelings
Liberal amounts of What We Focus on Grows
Daily and Generous doses of Nature (often found in those Empty Spaces)
Many scoops of Choice
Heaping cupfuls of PAUSE
Mix with care. Let marinate. Allow for a variety of blends depending on amounts of each ingredient. Simmer all through the day. Taste and adjust quantities as necessary. Consider adding other Essential Ingredients such as Light-heartedness and Sense of Humor.
Set oven to “Heartwarming.” Bake for a lifetime.
Enjoy.
Other additions welcomed to this Recipe for YOUR Success!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
A Tribute to My Mom
July 26, 2018 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Story Time! 2 Comments
I’ve been reflecting quite a bit since my mother passed this spring.
I find myself thinking about what a powerful influence we are for our children and my mom was for me and my girls. We often are so stressed about what we are doing and how we are doing it when it comes to raising children. Maybe pausing a moment and having me share a few of the things that have left a huge impact on me over time can help YOU pay more attention to some of those little things whether it is for your own child or another in your life.
Because, really, this is all about depositing into healthy, respectful, truly connected relationships. And my mom had a knack for that.
I am grateful for having in my heart forever and for always:
The twinkle in your eyes that you seemed to have every single day as long as I can remember. The twinkle as you lit up each time we saw each other, each time you re-connected with your granddaughters. The twinkle, the smile, the JOY that, as you grew older, came out through tears, as well 
.
How you never asked me to clean up my room--you just had me shut the door when we had company over . You gave me a space for me to be fully in charge of. I learned a lot from that…(and often reflected on when my own daughters’ rooms could have used a bulldozer to make a path through…)
How you always were someone I could count on to listen and HEAR me, and then offer a bit of wisdom that seemed to always be just right. And if it wasn’t, that was okay, too. I just knew you’d listen. How cool is that? I’m still working on doing that with my girls as well as you did for me.
How you plunked yourself down on my young teen daughter’s bed and admired every single one of her posters–especially enjoying the cute guy ones together…something important to a 14-year-old . And you knew that.
The respect, care, and compassion you showed for all animals--except for maybe that rat that showed up in our toilet bowl. That was rather icky and I still remember that! And how this respect, care, and compassion has rippled out to impact my life and my daughters’ in profound ways.
How you let me stay home from school the day my rabbit died.
How I, as a parent, began reflecting on all YOU did as a parent–wondering often how you and dad actually handled with such grace what I now know to be incredibly stressful, confusing, even scary. And then I try to emulate that…the grace part .
How you b
uilt relationships with my girls long-distance. Letters. Cards. Packages. Stories stories stories. And how they both relished these, kept them, and now have them even though you are gone. Thank you for that.
How you knew EXACTLY what my brothers and I were creating in the sandbox–that hole we covered with a bit of paper then sprinkled with sand…and then invited you out to walk across our Treacherous Tiger Trap. You knew, because you watched us from out the kitchen window. But you never gave it away and the good sport you were had you walking tentatively across our Treacherous Tiger Trap…and “falling” in ever so safely. Boy did we think we had you! You really were such a good sport. And you gave us space to play without adult company or seemingly watchful eyes (and constant input). That space? Ever so valuable. Something I absolutely gave your granddaughters.
How you let me lick the cookie dough. Yum. My girls, too. Being up at the counter with you (and my girls with me) cooking and measuring and licking…I still enjoy all things baking! Your granddaughters are, by the way, excellent cooks. See how your influence rippled out?!
The birthday parties and wonderfully creative cakes you made for us! Oh how that was special. So special that I had fun over the years doing the same for my girls. And now they enjoy doing them for others. A legacy from you, for certain.
All the games you played with me when I was little and more recently with my girls, husband, and myself. Your spunk and resolve to learn new games as your memory began to fail..and laugh at yourself as you had to ask and ask again how to play. And card games! I can still see you at our kitchen table with little Becky or little Emily next to you, working hard at fanning out their cards and studying the numbers and colors…all while you sat with them fully present, giving them the time and encouragement they needed to work those rascally cards. Your joy and patience ruled.
How your love for and delight in children influenced me in profound ways. And continues to. My girls, too.
I think, one of the things I’m going to miss the most is sharing all the little and big things we both love about children–from babies’ toes to scrunched up noses to squatting down on chubby legs to study a ladybug to collections of all kinds of things to posters covering walls in bedrooms to the school events when we’d both notice the restless little boy in the back row or the little girl leaning over to whisper really loud to another to those wonderfully proud moments of things won/earned/discovered to you name it and I’m going to miss sharing these with you.
Mostly I just hope that, because of you, I continue to influence my girls and others in similar ways. The work I do is because of you. Maybe that is one of your most important legacies. Work with families to parent well, be lifted, feel empowered, and experience real JOY. And JOY is what you fill my heart with. How cool is that? May I do as you have done–spread JOY.
To all you mamas out there–today, pause and appreciate yourself and all you do–little or big–with your children. Know that you are influencing them in lifelong ways. Be intentional with what you do and how you do it. And always allow yourself a bit of grace for the hard and messy. Then maybe twinkles and light and JOY can step up and lead the way.
And what a difference that can make.
I miss you mom. I treasure all my memories and I am deeply grateful for YOU. I’m glad I’ve shared that with you over the years…
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
How would YOU feel?
July 8, 2018 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments
How would YOU feel if…
…a shirt was suddenly and unexpectedly pulled over your head from behind?
…people around you talked about how you perform on the toilet?
…people kept poking you, tickling you, and getting their face right up in yours when you were totally engrossed in a complex thought process (such as learning something new, or immersed in a good mystery book…)?
…in the midst of relishing a fabulous dish of fettuccine a washcloth was swiped back and forth across your mouth? And maybe the plate even taken away?
…you were constantly interrupted as you tried to stay focused on complicated instructions for constructing an elaborate piece of equipment?
…you were told “you’re okay!” as you grieved over a lost loved one? Or, “it doesn’t hurt!” following an injury that will require multiple stitches?
…you were told you needed to eat more even when you felt full? Or that you were all done even when you were still hungry?
…someone unexpectedly swooped you up and moved you without warning?
…things were pushed into your mouth without consideration for whether you even wanted them in your mouth?
I’d venture to say you’d feel upset, frustrated, mad, startled, misunderstood, confused. And this is what we often do without hesitating when it comes to our babies and toddlers.
Respect. It is key and it begins at birth. 
Let your little one know before you put her shirt on—“It’s time to put your shirt on over your head. Are you ready? (look for the eye contact, the smile, the wiggle in response…look for the arms coming up or the eyes squeezing tight in preparation…) Okay! Here it goes…o-v-e-r your head…”
Keep interruptions to a minimum or not at all when your baby is concentrating on reaching for and examining something or your toddler is working hard at putting the square block in the round hole. Need to interrupt? Move next to them and pause briefly as you watch them, then let them know softly–“You are really studying the way your rattle looks as you move it! It is time to…I’m going to pick you up and we can bring the rattle with us. Ready? Here we go!”
Ask before you wipe mouths--better yet, give your baby a wet washcloth and let them do it all on their own—“Time to get the sticky food off your mouth. Here’s the washcloth. Can you wipe up?” “I need to clean off your chin. Ready? (as you hold it up and show them…look for their response!) You ARE ready. Wipe-wipe-wipe…nice and gentle. All done! Thank you for helping.”
Warn your baby before you pick them up—“Daddy’s going to pick you up so we can go….” Pause briefly and wait until your baby responds (A wiggle? A smile? Arms up?). Or at least pause for this slows you down physically, allowing your baby to be ready, as well.
Ask first if they want their pacifier, or another bite, and respect their response—“Looks like you are all done.” And stay tuned in to whether your baby WANTS you to keep tickling, poking, being in their face. Babies are excellent at letting you know they need a break. You can be equally excellent at respecting this. “I can tell you are all done with our tickle game! I will stop now.”
Always, always honor and affirm feelings—no need to make them ‘all better’–more importantly, just be there to name, ask questions, comfort. Now your little one can begin to understand their feelings–the start to managing them as they grow. And helping US manage OURS as the struggles and feelings grow in intensity–ours and theirs–over the years
Respect. The groundwork is laid from the beginning. The respect you show and grow from day one becomes a way of life–and this pays off hugely come teen years.
Start right now and PAUSE before you act.
Keep respect at the forefront of your thoughts and your actions will follow. Know what feels respectful, be clear on nurturing respect, role model it constantly…and you may discover that parenting becomes easier.
And YES, you can begin today interacting with greater respect no matter the age of your child. Let PAUSE and calm connection lead the way. It speaks volumes.
It begins with you.
Want to know more about babies? Check out Important Moments in the Day of a Baby.
With respectful appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2014 Alice Hanscam
So much learning!
June 7, 2018 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…
The 11-month-old who has been shown since early on how to use “one finger touches” when touching flowers, fragile instruments, and other special things–his ability to do just this, use one finger, is a delight to see. And it can bring incredible ease to so many of their daily adventures with so much learning happening through-out.
The respectful approach by his mama and papa
to talk to him and show him just what he CAN do is paying off with a little guy easy to go through the day with. A joy!
The college-aged young woman who delighted in the connection she felt with a young man as she talked with him en-route to class. Someone she sees and talks to often…and now, as she so genuinely shared with her mom, she could “feel” and “see” the twinkling of eyes between the two of them . I’m appreciating her willingness and desire to share with her mother–to share the joy over the moment!
The b
arefoot 15-month-old pushing the child-sized grocery cart through the store, one little step at a time, concentrating ever so hard. I especially enjoyed how he’d pause, choose something from the shelf that his mama pointed out, and plunked it into his cart–grinning from ear to ear as his mama gently encouraged him along.
The willingness of mama to take the time to let her little guy do what is important work for a one-year-old I totally appreciated…and it certainly put a smile on my face!
The 15-month-old foster child (new to his foster family’s home) who went from chasing and grabbing the kitty’s tail and hitting her to using gentle pats–all within a few days of LOTS of patient role-modeling.
The calm, consistent, and
connected approach of the entire family paid off.
The cat? Instead of running to hide, he now purrs and rubs up next to the little guy–the trust that most of the time gentle hands will be used is obvious.
The 3 elementary-aged children trailing alongside their mother in the grocery store...all 3 engaged with the process, mom giving them things to collect and choose, conversation over what fruit to buy and how to choose the freshest vegetables. What a gift to these children! Mom’s full presence, the work shared, food buying learned about, choices and ideas respected. All in a short afternoon of grocery shopping.
So much learning…
So many eye-twinkling and delightful moments
seen as I move through my days. So many relationship building moments witnessed…
Take time today to look around and actively appreciate…notice…and look to what brings a smile to your face and a bit of joy to your day! What we focus on grows…
Here’s another “Noticed and Appreciated” for you: The Simple Pleasures
Make it great today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Babies! Capable and Competent from Birth
May 11, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Babies!
Such amazingly capable little souls. They are, in essence, SPECTACULAR!
And it is easy to think our job is to do it all for them and to them–they are teeny, tiny and seemingly ever so helpless. Yet truly they are capable and competent from day one in their own ever increasingly amazing ways. When we look for and recognize this we are truly more able to build a strong foundation for all their healthy growth; we are depositing in little and magnificent ways into the respectful relationship we intend to have.
Did you know babies can:
~ Self-regulate when it comes to feeding? They know, all on their own, whether they are hungry, and when theyʼve had enough. Our job is to respect that.
~ Communicate with clarity when they are uncomfortable. Our job? To ask them what they need, talk them through the solutions, “Are you feeling sleepy? Is it time for your nap? Letʼs go get you ready…” “I can tell you don’t like a wet diaper. Let’s get you changed.”
~ Respond to “Are you ready?” as you prepare to change diapers, wipe faces, pull on clothing—let them know what you need to do, respectfully ask if they are ready, wait a moment, then follow through—and you will discover their active participation in whatever it is. You may be surprised!
~ Clearly let us know when theyʼve had enough of our well-meaning interactions—they turn their heads—and when that doesnʼt work, they may close their eyes, cry, or fall asleep. Our job? Watch…and allow them the opportunity to turn away and decide when they are ready to re-engage. By doing so they wonʼt need to cry or fall asleep to protect themselves from being overwhelmed. Baseline for growing respect. Baseline for growing a child who can be self-directed, tuned into their own feelings, truly KNOW themselves.
~ Hold conversations with you as you respect the give and take—talking, waiting, responding. Captivating! Some of my favorite times with a baby…
~ Move their bodies in just the right ways to develop well. Our job? To provide them with lots of floor time and out-of-containers time to move freely on their own. To roll to their tummy when they can do it on their own, pull themselves up on furniture, push themselves to a sitting position, kick, stretch, reach, grasp, chew—this is their job and they do it well.
~ Know the meaning of many, many words as you tell them stories, sing to them, show them their world—truly creating the foundation of language that is baseline for all their learning. It can be wonderfully surprising when your 9-month-old can point out a chickadee as different from a robin…
What do you notice about your infant that surprises you? What can you do differently as you see him as the capable little soul he already is?
Want to know more about babies? You may like this: How Would YOU Feel…?
Or this: Important Moments in the Day of a Baby
With joy and appreciation,
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam