Calm and Consistent

Tag: Calm and Consistent

When BIG Feelings Erupt: Story Time!

May 14, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

You know those LOUD, often whiny or disrespectful tones of voices, the mad and sad and over-the-top glad that has you feeling exhausted, frustrated, equally mad and sad and over-the-top glad? The BIG feelings you just wish would go away?

A parent recently shared her frustration over her 8-year-old son and all the BIG feelings erupting…and her desire to feel far calmer and more content in all things family.

Her story–just one example of what seemed to fill her days–was how her son the other day FLIPPED OUT over thinking he wouldn’t get the treat promised him because the coffee shop they went to for the treat only had one left and his younger sister loudly proclaimed “It’s MINE!”

Mom found herself reactively scolding her son to “Cool your jets!” and “Use a polite voice!” Totally understandable–just think, in a small and busy coffee shop, all eyes upon you, and all you want is to get your child to STOP.

Yet her intent to get him to be quieter and more polite done from this reactive place actually stirred things up even more and left them feeling all rather crummy.

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

She knew she wanted to do it differently. She knew she COULD do it differently and in a way that was relationship building.

Talking together had us walking through a do-over (essential for practicing and strengthening yourself), with calm connection and feeling content leading the way. Mom began thinking about what she could do the next time an eruption occurred (possibly not long after we finished our conversation…).

She was clear that she wanted to respectfully help her son learn to manage his feelings–always what big feelings gives us the opportunity for, guiding our kids in such a way they can learn more about how to express all the feelings that pour out of them.

Here’s what she realized:

…PAUSE, first and foremost, and breathe. Think, “calm connection” and “I have an opportunity to help him through this respectfully…” Encouraging self-talk is a strength to rely on. It makes a difference.

…Affirm his feelings, “Wow. You are super upset! Do you think you can’t have the treat I promised you?”

…Ask questions, “Ahhh. I see there is only one treat left here…I get it. There are TWO of you–and boy, your sister sounds like she really, really wants it all to herself! Hmmm…do you guys have some ideas for figuring this out?”

...Give a clear framework, “What a good idea, you two can split it (or we can head to another coffee shop). When you are feeling calmer and ready to use your regular tone of voice, we will do this!”

...Stay lighthearted as best as possible

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

And believe it or not, that initial embarrassment over a public fit? It dissipates. Your focus is on yourself and your child rather than all the eyes you initially felt were upon you, connection is encouraged and often maintained, and you can feel good and proud of yourself for how you handled it all.

To heck with embarrassment! Now you’ve just role-modeled for all what respect looks like no matter how your child decides to behave .

This mom? She took herself through this mental do-over with a great big AHA feeling all the way through. This she knows she can do, for she has done it many times before…it just takes practice and a pause. She knows how her son responds so much better when she is calm, clear, and connected. She has seen how naming and affirming feelings goes a long way for her son to feel relieved, heard, and more in control of himself. And she knows, because she has ‘been there,’ that she CAN stay calm even if her son still decides to flip out.

What a difference that can make.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Start with a PAUSE when you find yourself in one of THOSE situations. Focus on the calm connection you intend, on the successes you have had. And then tell me what you notice is different. I think you will like what you see, for what we focus on grows. And check out either or both my books to help you along…

Here’s to BIG feelings and the power of PAUSE!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Chore Charts, Behavior Charts, Sticker Charts, Oh My!

March 30, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Chore charts. Behavior charts. Daily charts. Charts with stickers, charts with toys or adventures to earn, charts to show the order of the day. Charts, charts, and more charts.

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

We attempt all kinds of systems to change their behavior in positive ways–charts being pretty common and tried by many of us, I’m certain. And they can work…for awhile.

Funny, though, how either we begin to fade away from following through with them (“Geez! I’ve forgotten to let my child put stickers on all he’s done!”) or our children–after the initial days of total excitement over stickers, check marks, rewards to look forward to–begin to ignore it…resort back to ignoring you and your requests…leave the dog unfed, resist brushing their teeth, no longer care about the cool toy that is promised. That well thought out chart? It just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

Just think about that diet you put yourself on to lose a few pounds or how you decided to truly stay on top of a house project or how you swore you were going to start cooking from scratch more and more often. Just think about how these vows to create the change you know could be beneficial for you sort of went out the window fairly quickly…and the old ways stuck.

Change in our children requires us to focus on ourselves first and foremost. Consider where real and lasting change has occurred with your children, in your life, work related, school related, relationship related. No matter, just change that felt truly successful. Consider what it took–perhaps determination, clarity on just what you intended with this change, commitment to it and consistency as you stuck with it, a friend encouraging you along the way, moments of success that had you willingly digging in deeper to stick it out…

Now consider this:

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if we focused on creating the foundation for potential change in our children? On being the positive, calming influence with our kids that can have them stepping up on their own, motivating themselves to make more productive choices? Not doing it because of the cool sparkly star they get to add to their chart, not because they get to go to Bouncy Bears as a prize, not because they now have you smiling at them instead of frowning…but really motivating their own selves because it feels good and right TO THEM from the inside out?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

~ I noticed and affirmed my child today as I saw them use gentle hands, clean up, take their dish to the counter, pet the dog, buckle up in the car, use their words, play quietly, sleep soundly, tackle their homework, shut the door carefully…

~ I intentionally looked to where my child made productive choices and I let her know I noticed–“When you clean up your blocks like that, I appreciate it and it means we can get out the board game and play!” “Letting your friend know that you couldn’t play today was hard, but I can see getting your homework done is important to you.”

~ I chose to stay calm and connected to my child today, despite how she behaved…it was hard and I did it! Patience ruled!

~ I paid attention to where my child took charge of himself–by flushing the toilet, choosing her socks, deciding on which cereal he wants, remembering to pack her homework, digging out their favorite shirt from the laundry all by themselves, zipping his coat, toddling over with a sloshing cup of milk in hand to give it to me, saying NO to coming indoors to play or NO to being asked to share (yes, that is a child taking charge of themselves!)…:-)

~ I paused today and followed through calmly and consistently with just what I had promised my child (whether it was a consequence or something fun). Keeping promises is important to me!

~ I intentionally gave my child an opportunity to do things “all by herself”, to grow as an independent, capable, competent soul. Perhaps I paused and waited as I watched my little one work hard at climbing onto the chair (and discovered how, even with bumps and crashes, she DID it. All by herself!); I gave the car keys and a grocery list to the newly licensed teen in my house (that was a bit nerve-wracking…); I stepped back while my child quite gleefully dug into the dog food bag and very generously filled the dog’s bowl…no wonder our dog is overweight…

~ I deposited into my self-care account today and it felt GREAT.

Now what might be different? Just think…

…intentionally focusing on what you want more of; intentionally focusing on growing your ability to parent well. Affirming yourself all day long.

What might be different about your day? How might you feel no matter what your child chooses to do? How, with your focus on yourself, could this positively influence your child?

Try it. Write up a chart for yourself. Get a bunch of pretty stars to stick on or delicious chocolate to reward yourself as you pay attention to what you want to do differently. Real and lasting change can be yours–and it begins with you. So go put your attention on just what you want more of and pat yourself on the back often for doing just this. You deserve to feel and be affirmed. The work you do to create positive change in your family is tough, essential, and totally rewarding.

I give you STARS today! Some dark chocolate, too 🙂

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Toe Dragging, Late to Work

February 15, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A favorite story to share…

11-year old who does whatever she can do to drag her toes in the morning and make mom and her late for work and school.

Mom who nags, yells, tears her hair out as yet again her daughter doesn’t listen, step up, respect the fact that mom has to get to work on time–really, how difficult IS it to get dressed, eat breakfast, and load in the car on time?

Sound familiar?

Every morning up until recently it was a reactive, yelling, frustrating, hot tempered morning. Every morning mom dropped her daughter off feeling horrible. Every morning. And it just kept ramping up.

Then mom PAUSED. She considered what SHE could do differently in this equation that may influence everything in a more positive way. She thought about how much she wants to enjoy her daughter, part from her each day feeling good. She also thought about being calm, clear, and able to say what she means and mean what she does. Here’s what began to unfold:

Sunday night: “Honey, just so you know, I intend to leave for work and school by 7:30 tomorrow.” And then she turned her attention to other things to get done in the house. “Intend”–it is a powerful word. If she was to say “I AM leaving…” then she’d have to follow through by actually leaving her daughter behind–and that wasn’t a choice for their situation. “Intend” gave mom the opportunity to do just what she did the next morning…

Monday morning at 7:25: “Honey, I’m heading out to the car. Join me when you are ready!” And off she went to sit in the car…listen to music so she could relax…and wait. Yes, she prepared for this by letting her boss know she may be late coming in; yes she worked hard at choosing music and her thoughts with care so she could stay calm and relaxed…or act as if. This effort to create a more positive experience meant a lot to her.

And when her daughter finally showed up, ready to complain how mom is rushing her and she didn’t have time to get her hair done and she probably forgot SOME thing and and and…all mom said was, “Thank you for being ready to go!” And headed down the driveway. That’s all. No, “You’re late” or “Why couldn’t you have hurried up a bit…” or “If you’d gotten up when you were supposed to you’d have had time for your hair…” Nope.

Just, “Thank you for being ready to go.” Mom put her attention to exactly what she truly wanted–a daughter, ready to go.

The result? Every single day, mom felt more and more relaxed. The goodbyes each morning were increasingly pleasant. She and her daughter had a few nice conversations in the car. And her daughter began to show up closer to the 7:30 mark every single day.

Why? Because mom stepped out of the trying to control and make her behave a certain way, focused on herself first and decided how she wanted to feel each morning, and took responsibility for herself. This gave her daughter the opportunity to start taking responsibility for HER self–because no longer was her daughter’s attention on mom being mad.

AND mom intentionally affirmed out-loud what she wanted the most: “Thank you for being ready to go.” She let go of the time factor–something she could do, focused on what she really wanted, and was rewarded with just what she intended–a daughter ready to go, and gradually on time.

Today, consider how it could look to switch up your dance step–to take responsibility for your choices and intentionally choose to feel calmer, more relaxed, maybe even light-hearted. Being late to work or school may not be an option in your home, so consider with care what change you can make that can more likely influence your children in positive and productive ways. Start by putting your attention on and getting clear about what you want the most. Think about the parts that are working, that you can appreciate. Consider your part in it all and how you can bring that into your current challenge–and this becomes the first step of change you make–yourself. Stick with this step for awhile. Notice what happens, what works, what feels better.

It’s difficult and it is do-able. Let your strength at pausing step up. Know just what you need and can do for yourself to help you bite your tongue and truly only say what you really want and be able to stay calm, patient, relaxed–OR to act-as-if. The cool thing? The more you commit to this new step, the easier it can get for you. YOU will feel better. And in time, your child will, too. Parenting can get a bit easier…and your relationships can feel a whole lot better.

This mom? She feels empowered. She had a great week–even if they were actually on time just once. Her daughter? Way less drama…way more connection. They are on their way to a more positive, even joyful relationship. What a way to start your morning!

Want more? Try this: You Are Not Responsible for Your Child

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Important Moments in the Day of a Preschooler!

January 31, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a preschooler…

~ Being the Boss of Themselves! Whether it’s preferring peanut butter and mustard sandwiches that they create, or deciding between listening to your words or losing out on something important to them (your attention, perhaps?!), being the boss of themselves is essential. And if we forget who is the boss of whom, they will remind us–exuberantly, loudly, with great emphasis. Encouraging them as their own boss is essential for growing a self-directed adult–and this means we have to let go of them always deciding to choose what we’d prefer, and following through calmly and consistently with whatever the results of their choice is.

~ Imagining and pretending…that they can jump the highest, run the fastest, be the strongest…play at length pretending to be a mommy or doctor or horse. Giving them the space and time to get lost in their imagination is a gift that will keep on giving all through their years. Encourage this today, step out of their play, and protect the uninterrupted time necessary for imagining to be the rich opportunity for growth it is.

~ Volcanic feelings! Oh the out-of-bounds, explosive, BIG feelings that burst forth so unexpectedly at times. Our ability to acknowledge and affirm them, to stay calm in their presence, and role model appropriate expression is key for helping our children learn to manage themselves. “Wow! That really made you mad. Hitting hurts. What words can you use to let her know about your mad?” We give our children the gift of a safe and secure ‘place’ to FEEL as we draw on our ability to flow calmly with their eruptions–and the safer they can feel, the more able they can learn to manage their out-of-bounds nature…and the easier it gets.

~ Creating, making, designing. Immersed in glue, tape, paper, paint, play dough, scissors, etc. Time to think their thoughts, work with their hands, get lost in the process. Admiring their handiwork when called upon-“Yes! I see how many pieces of tape you used!” “I can tell blue was the color you used the most today.” “You worked hard at putting all those pieces together with the glue…” Nothing fancy required, just time, space to make a mess, and recognition for the work they do instead of the product they produce.

~ Household chores and tasks–feeding pets, doing dishes, cooking with you, starting the laundry, sweeping, raking, weeding…simple family time can emerge from doing the mundane tasks we have each day. Preschoolers love being included…they love showing off what they can do all on their own! Take the time to slow down, include them, and know you are more likely growing a future teen wanting and willing to mow the lawn…!

~ Playing with a friend–oh how preschoolers love to be with buddies! Whether it is parallel play with little real interaction, or intense and sometimes loud sharing and negotiations. This is a time of discovery–who they are, where they belong, what is and is not theirs, what they can and cannot do. Playing with a buddy provides so many opportunities to learn about themselves! Our job? Mostly to stay out of it all. Be on the periphery, acknowledge feelings, ask questions, notice how the play ebbs and flows from involved and intense to quiet. It’ll get messy, loud, hurtful, joyous. Let go of judging it, be curious and observant, and stay calm and matter-of-fact when the explosive behavior and feelings erupt…and now you are truly supporting the early stages of true friendship.

Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery

and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.

It’s in the simple moments…

Another preschool article for you: Preschoolers–Hang on for the Ride!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

3’s and 4’s Can Be HARD

December 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

3’s and 4’s can be HARD…and they can leave you wondering just what happened to your little one, who–not so long ago–was an agreeable and enjoyable little soul? All of a sudden their EXUBERANCE can become trying…testing…exhausting. SO…

HOW do you parent respectfully with

an over-the-top, EXUBERANT, volcanic-ly

erupting preschooler??

HOW do you stay calm, consistent, connected when all youwant to do is scream, yank, cry, shut-down–make it all go away?

Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).

This over-the-top behavior? It means your child is ready to grow, become more independent, learn new things, get stronger from the inside out. Know this is possible BECAUSE of your work at parenting respectfully.

So how? With connection. Okay, maybe a few other things, as well, such as keeping your promises, clear expectations, choice choice choice, showing them over and over what they CAN do. And endless patience. Remember to deposit into your Self-Care Account often!

And it is with connection that is paramount. Connection that says:

~You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave. What a way to communicate confidence to your child, a safe (emotional and physical) space for them to “bang around” in.

~You can trust me to keep my promises–you can count on what I say is what I mean AND will do calmly, gently, consistently. What a way to build the essential foundation of trust.

~I will sit beside you while you are a puddle of tears. I will wait with you; I will be quiet and know just when to encourage you gently, perhaps a bit light-heartedly, perhaps just with open arms to hold you.

~I will stay near while you finish your tantrum. I will keep you safe and others around you safe. I will manage my own upset and embarrassment so you don’t have to. (So often our work at “getting them to stop/behave” is more about our embarrassment and discomfort. How we choose to handle our feelings directly influences how and what our child learns.)

~I understand how you feel and you know this because I say things like: “You are really mad that we have to leave. It’s hard for me to leave my friends, too. Shall we make plans to see them again soon?” “It really is frustrating when your little brother gets right into the middle of your work.” “I can see how sad you feel about not having a turn. You really like having turns at this game. Me, too…”

~I give you choices for how you CAN use your EXUBERANT self in appropriate ways: “You really want to be loud! Inside libraries are for quieter voices. Let’s go outside where you can be as LOUD as you’d like.” “ZOOM! You can run fast! You know what? The church has a rule of only walking. How about we go find the best running place of all together? I wonder where it might be…” “Ouch! Hitting hurts me! I can tell you are super mad right now. Sometimes you really need to HIT to get that mad out–we can go whack the couch pillows together, or maybe you can try high-fiving me on my hand with all your energy…”

~You can count on me to let you know what to expect. What a way for a child to feel more secure when his world is predictable: “We leave in 5 minutes. What would you like to finish up before we leave?” “When we are done reading these books, it is time to…” “When we head out the door to preschool, you’ll need your boots and coat ready to go. Do you want to stuff them in your backpack or wear them out to the car?” And then you keep your promise and follow-through no matter what your child chooses or how your child decides to behave.

A few more for you during those challenging moments…all with the intent to keep connection at the forefront and parenting respectfully leading the way:

“Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.” Then you do, calmly, matter-of-factly…respectfully.

“I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.” And maybe they need help in calming down–gently led to a quieter place, sat with without direct attention, held…or just given a space to be for awhile…

“Ohhh…that hurt your sister. She is really sad. I see how upset you are that she came in and wrecked your Lego structure. That just doesn’t feel fair, does it? I wonder what can help her and you feel better?” And you listen. Brainstorm. Comfort both as needed. Be available.

“I can hear you talking to me (as they whine…). You have something important to tell me.”

“It is really tough to share your toy with your friend. When you push and grab, it hurts his feelings. What is it you’d like to say?” Keep your attention on how you’d like them to handle things, rather than scolding for what they did…what we focus on grows, so choose with care where you put your attention.

Calm connection. Respectful parenting.

What does this require from you?

The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.

It asks you to be OKAY with feeling embarrassed, mad, frustrated–what a way to role-model for your over-the-top preschooler that you, too, feel all these feelings AND can be counted on to manage them well. Show your child what you do with your big feelings. Acknowledge and affirm your own–it’ll make it easier for you to PAUSE and do the same for your child.

This is a slow process–never a quick fix. Know that. And as a result of trusting your ability to parent respectfully and letting calm connection lead the way, you will discover your preschooler to morph into a cooperative, communicative, collaborative, totally awesome 5- or 6-year-old.

Just in time to gather yourself back together, enjoy family life once again, and be ready (and stronger!) for the next round of tumultuous times. At about 6.5 years of age. Hang on to your hat!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

BE the Kindness

November 28, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Mister Rogers exemplifies much of what I think many of us want more of; and it seems to me we all need to work at putting our attention to the good, kind, respectful especially in the seemingly continual turmoil of life around us.

One (many!) of the very cool and awesome things about Mister Rogers was his clear, consistent, passionate self. He spoke to and acted upon all that he knew to be true.

His words were more than words, for he LIVED them.

In all that he did.

We, too, can do the same. What we focus on grows. Today, look for and BE kindness. Appreciation. Respect. Show your child what that looks like. Tell your child when you see him or her being kind and respectful. Notice how they show their appreciation. Practice showing them yours.

Maybe it is the way they play alongside their friend, chatting away, and how you mention how much fun you see them having. Or that you appreciate how they remembered to feed their pet without a reminder.

Maybe it is how they stopped their busy selves to really pay attention to what you had to say. Or that they said a spontaneous, “Thank you!” Something to appreciate, for sure!

Maybe you noticed how they paused to reach down and gently pet the kitty. Or watched with delight how their baby brother blew bubbles from his mouth! Maybe the way they SIGHED heavily over the kind of project their teacher assigned AND still rolled up their sleeves and did it. Appreciate. All of it.

Maybe it is appreciating, out-loud, that despite their full speed ahead selves, they remembered to shut the door on their way out, or buckled their seat-belt, or actually SAT for a whole minute to scarf down their dinner .

Or maybe you just pause in your busy day and really look at your child. Send him love in your minds-eye, smile a bit, and watch. That’s respectful, you know, just watching. Or maybe kindness, appreciation and respect is about giving yourself a break. Time to chill. A bit of self-care. That can go a long way…

Today, tomorrow, next week–every day–strive to live the way Mister Rogers did. Be intentional with the words you choose, the thoughts you think, and the way you decide to behave. It counts. All of it. Our children are watching, learning, and absorbing.

Fill them with the kindness, appreciation, and respect necessary for living well. Our world will be blessed.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Important Moments in the Day of a Teen

October 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a teen…and if you are a parent of a preschooler, you may discover how similar this can be!!

~When mom or dad recognize NOW is the time to listen, no matter how late at night, if you are just running out the door, or up to your elbows in some messy project. Now is the time…the more you can be flexible and give your full attention even for just a few minutes, the more you deposit into a continued healthy relationship with your teen. They feel supported, heard, and can count on you.

~Sleeping in! Until noon, if possible 🙂

~Being part of a group–whether it is a team, friends, volunteer activity, or family–being part of it and feeling accepted and included is HUGE for a teen. Here is where they can strengthen their inner identity, confidence, and feel more self assured. Groups can be one or two good friends or the entire football team…

~When parents ‘take the blame’, giving their teen an ‘out’ in a difficult situation. Saying no to peers can be nigh on impossible at times…having your parents to ‘blame’ can bring relief beyond measure (often couched in attitude and sarcasm, but relief and gratitude are underneath it all!)

~Being fully in charge of themselves–whether because mom and dad support and encourage this, or because they’ve had to do whatever it takes to claim it. Often stated through clothing, piercings, tattoos, attitude, risk taking behavior, defiance, eye-rolling… Increasing independence is key; being proactive as a parent with doing just this–increasing independence–can actually minimize the less than desirable ways a teen may express it.

~Risk taking! Driving too fast, courageously asking their crush out on a date, climbing mountains beyond their ability (ask me about that one!). Teens naturally are risk takers. Knowing their physical and emotional limits begins in the early years as we give out toddlers and preschoolers opportunities to struggle, providing a solid foundation for managing the bigger risks teens can take. Expect your teen to step WAY beyond your comfort level…and let them experience the results of their risk-taking choices with you the calm and connected guide they need to do so.

~Down time–being allowed to do ‘nothing’ and not be called lazy. Down time is so essential for healthy growth and healthy brains!

~Feeling heard and understood first, rather than directed or told NO WAY right off the bat…and this includes letting them purge all their feelings. Remember the volcanic nature of feelings at age 4? Well, hang on, for it comes again. Sitting alongside your teen, giving them a safe place to let it all out, is essential for them to process, manage, and move forward. Just like your preschooler.

~When given the car keys

~Having a calm, connected parent no matter what choice they make. Calm, connected, firm, kind, and respectful. And now they can more likely ‘own up’ to their actions and take the responsibility necessary for becoming a mature adult

Teens. Tumultuous, terrific, terrifying at times.

Totally awesome overall.

It’s the little moments each day that count the most as we build positive, healthy relationships with our children. Make the most of these…slow down, recognize these moment for the value they are, and be present. Your children are worth it…and so are you.

Make it great today,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned from a Baby

September 27, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Lessons learned (when exhaustion finally subsides…) from a baby…

...I’ve got you wrapped around my little chubby hand, now don’t I? Look at me, sound asleep, so peaceful, little sighs and funny expressions flickering across my face…at least, for the moment. And only if you keep holding me. You weren’t planning on getting anything DONE during nap time, were you?

…I really DO know when I’m hungry (you just need to figure out that when my diaper needs changing I sound THIS way, and when I’m sleepy, I fuss THAT way…), and I also know exactly when my tummy is full. That means stop nudging my lips with the bottle to get me to finish the milk you prepared. My tummy is FULL. For now. Give me about 30 minutes and maybe I’ll have room again.

...Just when you’ve gotten all my cute little clothes sorted I GROW! Poof! Over night! THAT was what all my “out of sorts” was about. I was busy growing.

…To catch naps when you can cuz I’m going to keep you up as much as possible the rest of the time…

…That I am truly a capable and competent little soul who appreciates being warned before anything gets “done to me.” Let me know when you are going to pick me up; let me know when you want to wipe my chin or nose; let me know when I can expect a trickle of water over my tummy or a shirt to go over my head. It startles me when you don’t tell me, first.

…I really CAN figure out how to roll, sit, pull myself up all by myself when I’m given lots of time to be freely on the floor. I like it best when you watch–and I trick you to make you think I really like it when you do it for me…but then, how can I really grow my capable and competent self when you stand me up, rescue me from rolling under a chair, hold my hands to “make” me walk? Its fun…but these are MY jobs.

…Acting-as-if you are calm and confident as you hand me over to my care-giver for the first, tenth, hundredth time. Yup. I need you to act this way, other wise I’d think you didn’t trust my care-giver to take care of me or trust ME to be able to feel safe and secure while you are away from me. So hand me over. Smile at me. Say “bye” and then be sure to come back! I need to count on you…

...Letting go of strict routines while sticking to a predictable rhythm–now there’s a challenge I present you with! Ha. You think I will be hungry every 3 hours or ready for my nap at noon like usual. Well, have I got a surprise for YOU. I’m hungry NOW! And I have NO intention on napping at noon…nope. At least I can count on you to understand…to offer me my milk…to snuggle and look at me while I drink (No phones, please), to read me stories anyway, and then recognize I still have lots of wiggles to get out ’til I really AM ready for a snooze.

...That my fussy and out-of-sorts self needs you to listen and watch so you can comfort me how I need you to. That way you’ll discover if its my teeth hurting me or that I’m missing you or that I’m wet, sleepy, hungry, tired of all the company oohing and ahhhing over me, have too many dangly toys in front of my face, or am just DONE with the peek-a-boo game you keep trying to play with me. I KNOW you can figure it out because you always seem to end up doing just what I need…even if it takes several tries. I’m patient. Sort of. At least, I’m learning to be, with your company.

…That having a baby (ME!) can be overwhelming, joyful, exhausting, confusing, amazing. And heart-wrenching at times. Heart-filling, too. I sure know how to keep you on your toes, don’t I?!

What is amazing you about YOUR baby today? What lesson have you learned that has surprised you the most? I’d like to know

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Prove To Your Child…

September 20, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

You do not have to prove yourself as a parent.

Your child does not have to…

~ excel academically, athletically, artistically…
~ behave beautifully in the grocery store at 5:30 following a long day in daycare
~ listen the first time you tell her what needs to happen
~ show amazing manners and be polite even to Aunt Martha or the neighbor
~ never throw a tantrum
…make it into college, or even want to go to college
~ know or do (something) without being told
~ know or do (something) despite being told over and over again
~ get in the car promptly, go to bed on time, do their homework agreeably, finish their homework because you said so, sit at the dinner table nicely, use a respectful tone of voice, have their backpack ready to roll…teeth brushed…clothes on…and to school on time–WITH their homework remembered (and done).
~ get ANY thing “right” the first time…

…in order for you to feel ‘the good parent’, the parent who has done their job well, the parent who has the good kids, the smart kids, the kids who “have it together.” You do not have to prove yourself to anyone other than the children in your care.

Prove to them you will:

~ walk alongside them no matter their choices
~ accept and love them just as they are AND keep a vision of all you intend so today your actions and responses can be in alignment with just what you want the most…
~ keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot
~ keep your promises–as often as possible and with great intention, whether it is for the treat you promised or the consequence they earned.
~ calmly and consistently and with gentle connection follow through with their choices–communicating to them they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do.
~ believe they are competent, capable, truly ABLE individuals.

Prove to them you will continually work on growing yourself to feel calm, clear, and confident in who you are so you can be your best as a parent.

Prove to them you can let go of needing them to be/think/feel the way you want them to and know you are a good parent, a parent who is doing their job well no matter how they decide to behave.

Stand true and strong in who you are for it is from there we can truly feel and be our best–no need to prove your worth by how your children behave. You are already an amazing parent, working hard at parenting well. Celebrate this!

Here’s to YOU.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Relationship-building All Around

July 5, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

~ The mom with the 3-year-old caught in the check out line and the little guy’s intense desire to have SOME thing from the racks enticing him. Mom’s ability to calmly say “No”, to pick him up as he began to scream, to gently and firmly hold his arms as he began to hit…and continue on with dealing with her groceries. I so appreciated her ability to stay calm and firm and kind to her son; I completely empathized with her caught in the very public forum and the many unkind looks being given and I completely disagreed with the “She should control her child! He needs some DISCIPLINE!”

Her ability to stay calm, firm, and kind communicated just what her son needed the most…

…that he could count on her to keep it together even when he could not; that she had confidence in his ability to (eventually) manage himself despite his disappointment with her “no.” What a fabulous way to walk alongside her son, guiding him through a challenging moment–truly teaching him self-discipline. What courage and resilience on her part!

~ The 24-year old and her 8-year-old buddy spread out on the floor absorbed by the board game, Settlers of Catan. She teaching him with patience, twinkly eyes, and obvious joy. He listening intently, asking questions, and continually wiggling, jumping, cartwheeling off furniture and back to the game.

I truly appreciated seeing such amazing evidence of a

lovely and close relationship that has been intentionally deposited into for years.

I smiled over the constant motion of the 8-year-old; the twinkly eyes and patience of the 24-year-old; the laughter over funny faces shared and delight in each other that was ever so clear.

I especially enjoyed their good-byes…”Can we play one more time?” “Oh, how I’d like to, as well! Let’s make a plan to SOON.” “YES! I wish we could NOW…” and out the door he semi-bounced, semi-lingered…then back for a quick and wonderful hug.

~ The Mama with her 4-year-old son in a coffee shop. She gave the little boy the opportunity to choose his treat, to hand the money over, and best of all when they sat down–they pulled out a book to pore over! A pop-up dragon book that had the boy totally engrossed in, with occasional pokes to Mama, “Look! Did you see? Can you read this part to me?” And watching him open and close and open each pop-up page, studying it, touching it, totally absorbed by it. And Mama gave him all the time he needed to feel finished.

What a way to grow a self-directed, focused, curious boy; what a rich deposit into their relationship.

Today notice and appreciate–and enjoy!–interactions between parents and their children. Let it put a smile on your face–and better yet, go say something to those you notice–including (and maybe most importantly) the resilience or patience or calm despite the outburst. It will put a smile on their face as well.

What a way to grow just what we want more of–joyful and appreciative and caring relationships

If you enjoy reading “Noticed and Appreciated” articles, here’s another for you: The Simple Pleasures

With JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Connection vs Disconnection

June 13, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What time do you value with your child enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

I asked this of my husband the other day…in terms of me, not our children. I asked, because, unwittingly, he had it in his pocket and on (and due to being hard of hearing, it is on LOUD) while we were out strolling in a bird refuge. A date. Chatting with a couple we’d just met doing something similar. His cell rang, interrupting our new-found connection with the other couple; disrupting the focus of our time together–birds and wildlife and all the conversation surrounding this.

It frustrated me. You’ll be proud, though–I paused. Actually, I just walked away fuming, but still–that’s a pause. I thought about it…it took time, for I was upset, but time I had for I had left my spouse talking on the phone he answered while I disappeared down the trail. I fumed through the “How COULD he? We finally had time together…” “He KNOWS better.” “Why couldn’t he just let it go to message???” And on and on.

I processed through the upset, thanks to the space of a PAUSE.

And I came to a more settled place, a calmer place–and focused less on him and more on myself. Yes, I was hurt and discouraged. But what is it I really wanted? What is it I truly enjoy about my time with him? What fills my bucket, has me feeling connected and loved and valued? When do we have the most fun together?

THIS brought me to my question. What time do you value with your child, spouse, friend enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

It is an important question.

Especially as I see parents fully embracing this digital life style and answering or checking their cells no matter where they are or what they are doing with their children. At the zoo. In the store. At the library. During piano recitals. In the car. Waiting at the doctor’s office. When juggling groceries, child, checker, payment.

Remember when (if you are old enough to remember!) we could go off to these places knowing any phone call would be on our message machine back at home–and we could tend to them then?No need to focus on all the myriad of other things in life when we were off with our children doing appointments, errands, adventures. Those other things would be waiting for us upon our return. There was enough to focus on just doing the things we were doing.

Life felt calmer, actually. Even with the million errands.

It seems inconsequential lots of times, this answering of our cell.

We’ve set our lives up to often need to answer and check and text whenever the ‘ping’ comes in, so it can be rather foreign to consider NOT doing so. But I’d like you to consider this–what message is it giving to whomever you are with and most especially your children when the phone’s disruption is allowed as just something normal and accepted, and tending to it is something we just automatically do?

I believe it sends a message of “What we are doing together isn’t as important as what’s on my phone.” “It’s okay to be constantly distracted…that’s what relating looks like.” “I’m too busy tending to my crazy life to take this time just with you…” “The phone rules…” “You aren’t valued enough to give my full presence to.”

I believe it sends a message of disrespect. Subtle, often, but there. And for children? This permeates all they do and think and feel…and then we wonder why they don’t act respectful, listen to us, stay focused on something, cooperate…

And think about this–what are you now missing when you allow your attention to be drawn from the child you are with to whatever comes through on your phone?

I’ve seen lots of little things missed…

…The wide-eyed surprise of a child as they watch a critter at the zoo and the glance to the adult to (hopefully) share this moment. And it is lost…

…The frustrated toddler trying to manage something, and the parent missing the boat entirely due to the phone–and it ending up in World War III…because children just know when we really aren’t paying attention and they know just how to get our attention

…The way a child straightens themselves up, settles into the piano bench, glances into the audience looking for the comforting and encouraging smile from a parent…and the parent is looking down at their phone.

…The comfort a child takes in holding hands as they approach something cautiously…and the hand drops away to use the phone and the child shrinks into mom or dad…while the parent absentmindedly pats them on the back, missing the emotional and physical work of their child.

…The totally delightful play between two siblings who are dashing ahead of parents down a trail. Their funny exchanges…and then their screeching to a stop to turn around and bounce their funny right off of mom or dad…but mom or dad, they are busy on their phone.

…The intense absorption of a child in a project that you are a part of because he had drug you by the hand to come watch…a good time, one might say, to check the phone–your child is absorbed. And then, when the child looks up–whether to ask for help or show something or just needing to KNOW mom or dad are still there, watching with care–they see a parent focused on a phone.

Just a few of the little things I’ve noticed that get missed.

Now a child feels disconnected, a bit at a loss, and sometimes

this often leads right to misbehavior.

They at times try even harder to engage the parent–and end up having to “catch a parent up” with what the parent had missed. Or they just fall apart. Because it is connection–honest, present connection that matters to them. Or maybe continue on with whatever it was they were doing without seeming to care. But they do.

Because these little things? They add up. Hugely.

When tended to, they make our relationships closer, more connected, filled with joy. They show us things about our children that we need to know. They allow us to go deeper in our understanding of just why our child is melting down or feeling oh-so-proud. They give us the opportunity to really KNOW our children just a little bit more. They can be what makes or breaks a moment–or an entire day–behavior wise. They are what can create the memories you relish and delight in and can feel proud about. And now you feel closer, more connected, experiencing more joy. How cool is that?

What can you do, today, to show your child you

value your time with them enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

Can you silence it and tuck it away, knowing you have time to tend to it in half an hour?

Can you practice leaving it in the car or at home occasionally?

Can you treat it more like a home phone and give it its place in the world–at least time wise–rather than letting it become a way of life that can undermine just the kind of relationships you intend to grow?

Just think what your child could “hear” when you say, “Let me put my phone away so I can give you and our time together my full attention.” And then you do.

I hope so. I really do. I am grateful to the increased awareness of the impact–both negative and positive–our technology driven lifestyles can have on our emotional and physical well-being. On our relationships. On our children. Our awareness is growing…our ability to be intentional about how we respond to all of it can, as well.

All I ask right now is for you to PAUSE and consider what time you value with your child (or yourself!) enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone.

And then do it.

Here’s to living well,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned from a Preschooler

June 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Lessons learned (and eventually laughed over and currently driven nuts by) from a preschooler…

~ Feelings ERUPT from me like a volcano when I’m mad, sad, frustrated. I do everything in a big, often LOUD, definitely exuberant, often exasperating and exhausting (to you, at least) way…even when I feel especially shy and need your body or shirt to bury myself in so the world will stop looking at me. PLEASE don’t ask me to “smile at the camera” or “give Grannie a kiss” or “just CALM down!” Because it’s hard for me when the volcano in me takes over…

~ I am the Boss of ME! And when I’m the BOSS I get to choose…and you need to stay calm and consistent with just what I can expect from the choice I make…even and most especially when I choose OTHERWISE…

~ If you ask to help me I’ll say NO and if you don’t ask to help me I’ll say “Mooommmmmeeeeeee! I N-E-E-E-E-D you!” And really, I do need your help by you just keeping me company…maybe from a distance, though. Cuz I think I CAN get these tights on my legs, this puzzle figured out, this jungle gym conquered. Maybe. But I might need your help.

~ Pretending is a good thing...why NOT be a nurse, fire-fighter, kitty cat, monster, musician, mommy, baby, doctor, mail man, the best-est or strongest or prettiest dancer with a fluffy tutu or a spaceman with a helmet (but don’t forget the sword, for all spacemen really need a sword…or maybe a magic wand)…

~ I’m stronger, better, bigger, faster, louder than YOU and so is my daddy and my mommy AND my pet snake! So THERE.

~ Silly silly silly is the name of MY game! Make up songs and words and funny faces along with me. You know when I say THOSE words that you say aren’t okay? Change ’em up and you’ll have me giggling away….fudgicles, boom-BAH, silly-billy-willy. Sing me through something hard while acting it out and all things get easier: “Blowy blowy blowy goes the wind….the trees are swaying, the leaves are FLUTTERING….the clouds are P-O-O-F-I-N-G away!!!!” You’ll have me blowing and fluttering and POOFING away!! And giggling 🙂 Life gets better with SILLY.

~ Honesty is saying exactly what I see or repeating what I hear. Loudly. In public. Like at the store. Or the museum. Or restaurant. Such as “Mama, does that fat lady have a baby in HER tummy?” or “I have to POOP!” or like those times you smacked your knee on the table and said THAT word…oh that’s so FUNNY! (See the silly silly silly above!).

~ Who says I have to share? You aren’t MY friend (at least today and probably because you don’t like fish crackers like I do. Or because I think your favorite shirt is silly since it doesn’t have pockets…or…). Besides, I just don’t want to share. And if you make me? I might just turn into a volcano all over again…mostly because I just don’t understand why I have to stop MY turn just so SHE can have a turn. This is all so confusing…

~ I’ll give you LOTS of practice at being embarrassed! And mad, too. Especially out in public. I think you NEED practice, because I know JUST how to push your button and it is rather entertaining watching you get all hot and bothered…but really, it’s scary to me, too, because aren’t YOU the grown up?

~ What? You are only giving me a choice for the blue cup and the red cup?? That’s for BABIES. I need more choices than THAT. How about asking me to go find the cup I want AND pour my own milk? I AM 4, now. I can do those things. Not like when I was a BABY. (note to you mommies and daddies: up the ante on choices or suffer the consequences…AKA volcanic eruptions. From me. But also probably from YOU).

~ Company is required at the kitchen counter but I’M in charge, not YOU (remember–I am the Boss of ME) and THIS is the recipe we are making and mess is expected and licks are required…then we can have a tea party!!!! But wait, I have to get all my stuffed guys set up…and oh yeah, first I better get ’em all dressed for the party. No, I’m NOT ready to come mix the recipe, I’m BUSY. W-a-i-t!!!! You said I could have a lick! It’s my turn to mix! NOT FAIR.

Ahhh…life with a preschooler. What have you learned today from yours? What has surprised or delighted you? I know my daughter surprised ME when she turned 3.5 and…whew. I thought it was toddler years that were supposed to be hard! If I’d only known .

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Which Story Will Be Yours?

May 21, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story with a do-over for you (and how we all wish for a do-over at times!):

A favorite very public play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Mama wanted to move back into the play area–for she knew well enough that if her daughter didn’t have enough time she could count on an embarrassing fit to be thrown. She felt the tension rise as she tried convincing her preschooler to finish quickly so that they could have time to play more.

Miss Four would have none of it: “NO! I’m not DONE.”

Bribing her didn’t work and threatening her that she’d have no more time to play fell on deaf ears. Mama, frustration taking over, had enough of her daughter not obeying. She turned off the faucet and pulled Miss Four out of the bathroom. Her daughter screamed and kicked as Mama, frustrated, mortified, (and fuming!) yelled right back with, “You aren’t minding me so we are going home!”

Off she marched with screaming and crying Miss Four struggling in her arms, feeling all eyes upon her. The fighting persisted all the way out to the car. By the time Miss Four was buckled in—an enormous accomplishment with a writhing four-year-old—exhaustion reigned. For both Mama and child.

As they drove home, Mama, with tears streaming down her face, thought—“Why can’t she just behave? If she’d only listen. I feel so EMBARRASSED…”

The ride home was miserable as Miss Four moved from screams to sobs to a fitful sleep. Upon arriving home, things just never got better.Miss Four got woken up too soon as she was pulled out of her car seat, the tantrum continued, Mama–at her wits end–enforced a time-out, and they both felt out of sorts the rest of the afternoon.

Sound even remotely familiar? I am most certain that you have either participated in a similar scene, or found yourself uncomfortable as you watch one unfold with another parent, friend, family member.

Here’s the deal–we DO get embarrassed, tense, even mortified–and it can leave us fuming, trying harder and harder to just make our child behave the way WE want them to. Here’s where the Power of PAUSE and the calm connection that follows can step in and make a positive impact…

Let’s replay this story with Mama taking a pause (or two or three) and letting calm connection rule:

A favorite play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Mama cringed at the potential of another round of tantrums from her preschool daughter. She knew her daughter really enjoyed what really became water play, but it usually meant a fit that playtime had to be shortened.

Mama could feel the pressure climb as she tried convincing Miss Four to be done so they can go play some more. Miss Four had none of it—“NO! I’m not DONE.”

Mama sighed. “Here we go again,” she thought!

She PAUSED by taking a deep breath and considered what she knew usually worked well for her daughter to move through these experiences with a bit more grace. She certainly had lots of experiences to reflect on, for they seem to come every 20 minutes or so… :-).

She began with letting her daughter know she could wash for one more minute and then it would be time to be all done. Something Mama knew for sure was how important it was for her daughter to have a sense of control via knowing just what to expect.

The minute passed, Miss Four was given the opportunity to turn off her faucet, yet still resisted :-). Water play really is fun!

Mama, who continued her PAUSE by staying quiet and focusing on relaxing during that extra minute (letting go of the WET that seemed to get everywhere!), calmly followed through what she had promised and reached over to turn off the faucet.

LOUD screams and tears burst forth from Miss Four.

Mama then took a few more deep breaths, reminded herself that these were tough experiences for preschoolers, and that she wanted her little one to discover she COULD handle the disappointment of being all done with something fun; that being disappointed and mad was okay and that Mama was someone she could count on to keep it together no matter how her daughter felt.

Mama’s pausing via breaths and encouraging self talk helped her act calm despite the fit from her daughter. She, acting as if she had the calm confidence she knew could make a difference, gathered up her puddle-of-a-four-year-old as best she could saying, “I know you wanted to wash for longer. It’s disappointing when you have to be done with something fun” and took her out into the hall that led back to the play place. “Here’s a good place to get your mad out. I will be right here and when you’ve calmed down and feel ready, we can go play some more.”

Miss Four continued with her MAD—yelling at her mom, lying on the floor kicking and crying.

A play place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”

And Mama waited–a PAUSE once again! Respectfully so.

Miss Four eventually wound down and Mama stepped close saying, “I can see you are feeling calmer. Are you ready to go play a bit more?”

“YES!” her daughter exclaimed. And off they went, with Miss Four zipping ahead saying, “Watch me, mommy!” Fours have an amazing power to flip from incredibly frustrating to wonderfully delightful :-).

When it was time to head home, Mama fully expected a total meltdown once again, and was pleasantly surprised (and relieved!) to find that instead her daughter expressed her sadness with her words and stomping feet, “I don’t WANT to go. I LIKE it here…can we come back soon???” instead of kicking and screaming. They commiserated together as they stomped out to the car, buckling in with little effort. They returned home, shared a snack, and had an unremarkable afternoon together.

With her Mama creating pauses for herself, and leading the way with calm connection, Miss Four was able to better manage HER self all through the afternoon.

Whew! What a difference! Know this can be your experience, as well. With practice, a PAUSE, and the resulting calm confidence that can follow, you can expect (over time) a child who manages challenging moments with far more grace–for they will feel more in charge, capable, and confident.

And the best part? Parenting can get a bit easier. Let my book, “Parenting Inspired,” help YOU create the positive change you want the most. Know that this story (from PAUSE) and more await you as you read my book(s)…

Make it great today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Keep Your Promises

February 11, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. Saying what you mean and meaning what you do. ‘Standing in our integrity’ translates to having our thoughts, feelings, and actions all in alignment with what we believe.

How does this translate to our children? Keeping our promises; building trust and respect. Key for healthy relationships. (Thank you to ScreamFree and Hal Runkel for “Keep Your Promises”)

How often do you find yourself saying:

…”I’ll be there in a minute!” and it isn’t until your child is melting down next to you 20 minutes later that you put down what you were focused on to help them? And now, of course, there is no help to be had, for total melt down has unfolded.

…“After soccer practice we can stop for ice-cream!” as you are trying to get your kids out the door and you know the promise of ice-cream will make it actually happen in a more timely way. But then following soccer you say, “It’s too late for ice-cream–sugar isn’t good for you, anyway.” Whew, at least you GOT to soccer on time, so now you can just ‘put up’ with the cries and complaints in the back seat–“…but you PROMISED…”

…“Yes you can have a guinea pig, cat, dog, (fill in the blank) when you are 10!” Then when they turn ten you come up with a million excuses why a pet just won’t work right now, how they aren’t responsible enough, that you just don’t have TIME to take care of a pet. Okay, maybe a fish…

…“Just calm down, young man!” as you are totally losing it. Hmmmm. I know that one happens often! “I need YOU to calm down so I won’t lose it!” As if it is their responsibility to decide how we are going to feel and behave…

…”Grabbing the salad bowl instead of asking nicely isn’t okay!” as you grab the salad bowl right back and bang it back down on the table. “Use your manners!” Harrumph. Why don’t they know better how to ask for something at the table? And again, if they’d JUST BEHAVE, then I wouldn’t have to lose my temper!

…“Hitting your sister is mean!” as you whack their backside and insist they go to time out to think about how to behave. (NEVER do I recommend any kind of whacking).

…“It’s unkind to talk about your friend that way. You need to be nice.” Then turn around and moan to your spouse about YOUR friend and how they make choices you just can’t get behind.

…“I’m sure you know best what you are going to do with your birthday money.” Followed by, as they decide to spend it all on a frivolous item, “Oh no, that’s a waste of money! You ought to save it. Or at least donate some of it to…” All good ideas…and all going back on just what you originally said.

What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.

Try this, instead. PAUSE before responding or throwing out a blanket statement (YES we’ll get ice-cream after soccer!) and consider what it is you really want and CAN do.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

And now role-model it. Be what you hope your child can be.

Show them how to use gentle hands, that they can count on you to keep your promise of ice-cream even if you are running late, that if you promise a pet at age ten, you follow through, talk about YOUR friends with the respect and kindness you want to see in your children, calm yourself first before asking them to do the same, let them know exactly what they can expect as they wait for your help, bite your tongue and let them experience the result for themselves as they spend all their birthday money on a ridiculous toy.

What does this require from us?

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Now when we do have to ‘break our promise’ because whatever we said we really didn’t mean and certainly aren’t going to do–we can apologize. Heartfully, genuinely, respectfully. “You know, when I promised you a pet last year, I was saying that without really thinking about what it means. I apologize for leaving you hoping. Let’s talk about this more carefully.” “You know, I was really mad when you threw your toy and hit your sister. It wasn’t okay for me to yell and hit you. I am sorry. Here’s what I wanted to do…”

What a way to grow respect. To build the trust in your relationship that is foundational for the rest of our child’s life.

Take time today to reflect on your integrity, on how you say what you mean and mean what you do–when this is easiest and most successful for you, what you can do differently when you find it difficult. Integrity. It is essential for growing well; for relationships to thrive. For our children to grow into those incredible adults we intend.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Choice, but my choice, please!

January 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

No, no! If you do that, mommy is going to be so sad…”

“If you don’t make the right choice, you are going to lose your iPad…privilege…treat…play-time…books…”

“You have a choice to make, young man! You can either do it the way we said, or you’ll be in trouble.”

Sound familiar? I was talking with a parent recently who mentioned how she gives choices and always tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…

When we find ourselves (and we all do this at times!) giving choices contingent on how we will feel or with what can be heard as a “threat” or really not a choice at all when we say “do it the right way!” then what we are really communicating to our children is their only choice is to either comply or rebel.

There is little room for independent thought and action, for someone to choose based on what THEY feel they want, should do, would like–for they are far too focused on OUR demands.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Being asked to make the “right choice” so we won’t get mad and they won’t get in trouble communicates that they are responsible for how we feel (pretty tough place for a child, to feel like they are in charge of our feelings); it communicates “I’m the boss and I know what you need/should do/want better than YOU do…” (which can grow children who always look to others to tell them what they need/should do/want…); and it can communicate disrespect. Probably not what anyone ever intends. And yes, we often DO know what they “should” do for we are many years older and have many experiences tucked under our belt and we really don’t want our kids to make the mistakes we did. If they’d only listen . And we often work very hard to get them to listen, to do it our way, the right way, the way that makes things easier for them–and us.

So really, this kind of choice that leaves our kids either complying (whew!) or rebelling (yikes) is more about OUR anxiety as parents–about our lack of confidence, our need to feel “in control”, about looking like a “good parent”, about maybe just really wanting to get out the door in one piece and with all that everyone needs for the day .

Which, of course, happens (just wanting to get out the door in one piece)–and when we can slowly tip the balance towards healthier ways to give and respond to choices, it matters very little if there is a now and again day of “making kids comply” to make the moment easier for us.

What can we do to influence our kids in such a way that they decide on their own to make more productive choices? To focus on themselves and how they feel, what they like/don’t like, what is their responsibility….? To really grow from the inside out?

PAUSE.

Focus first on YOUR self and take care of your feelings–whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. “Take care” can be a moment to breathe, a chance for a self-care deposit, a quiet affirmation to yourself of how you feel.

Be clear on the expectations for your child–and give them a choice without asking them to choose what YOU want them to choose.

Respect their choice by following through with the results of their choice from a place of calm connection–what an incredible way to communicate respect for and belief in who they are becoming. What a way for them to focus on their experience, how it feels, and learn a bit more about what they can do.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

“You chose to still throw your toy cars. Up they go now onto the fridge, parked safely until tomorrow…” And you calmly gather them up and place them up high–allowing the mad your child will feel and express, showing compassion via, “I know. It really makes you mad that you can’t play with your cars anymore today.” Empathize. Help them take the PAUSE they need to calm themselves down. Offer up your company or something else they can do or throw. Know that how they feel about the result of their choice to throw and how you decide to respond to them is key in helping them learn a bit more about managing themselves.

“I feel sad that you were so frustrated with your work that you ripped it up. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then you sit in their sad or mad for awhile or ask what they’d like to do to help themselves or you gently show them ways to take care of their frustration. If they show concern over your sad, you get to let them know that it is okay for you to be sad…just as it is okay for them to be frustrated. Maybe hugs will follow…Or maybe a need to rip up lots more paper is in order…or maybe they just need to stew a bit until they are ready to try again.

“You know our house rule of no dirty dishes left in your room–and you know that it costs you the privilege of using the iPad for the afternoon.” And you follow through by removing the iPad, calmly and matter-of-factly, allowing the feelings that may be expressed, empathizing and letting calm connection lead as much as possible. Now the attention is less on you (though it may not seem that way as they rage…) and more on the choice they made and how it feels to lose a privilege they enjoy so much–more likely influencing in such a way they will choose a more productive direction the next time around (like bring their dishes into the kitchen–or maybe all the way to the dishwasher!).

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

Not you, but them–and they learn a bit more about how they feel about the results, rather than being focused on how we feel. They learn they can count on us to keep it together no matter how they feel or behave. What a way to grow trust! They learn they can count on us to walk alongside them as they experience the results of their choices, rather than stand over them saying, “I told you so! If you’d only listened…” And as our children have more and more opportunities to experience the results of their choices alongside a calm, consistent, connected adult, the more they learn about themselves, from the inside out.

What a way to grow a future adult who can more likely take responsibility for themselves, be self-directed and in charge of their feelings, know more about themselves from the inside out. What a way to (slowly) make your job as a parent a bit easier–and for you to grow yourself from the inside-out, able to manage your feelings and grow your more confident self. Now how could this parenting deal feel with you feeling calmer and more confident, letting calm connection rule?

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A Parent Like You

December 20, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

A parent recently shared her frustration over her 8-year-old son and all the BIG feelings erupting…and her desire to feel far calmer and more content in all things family.

Mom found herself reactively scolding her son to “Cool your jets!” and “Use a polite voice!” Totally understandable–just think, in a small and busy coffee shop, all eyes upon you, and all you want is to get your child to STOP.

Yet her intent to get him to be quieter and more polite done from this reactive place actually stirred things up even more and left them feeling all rather crummy.

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

She knew she wanted to do it differently. She knew she COULD do it differently and in a way that was relationship building.

Here’s what she realized:

…Affirm his feelings, “Wow. You are super upset! Do you think you can’t have the treat I promised you?”

...Stay lighthearted as best as possible

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

To heck with embarrassment! Now you’ve just role-modeled for all what respect looks like no matter how your child decides to behave .

What a difference that can make.

Start with a PAUSE when you find yourself in one of THOSE situations. Focus on the calm connection you intend, on the successes you have had. And then tell me what you notice is different. I think you will like what you see, for what we focus on grows. And check out either or both my books to help you along…

Here’s to BIG feelings and the power of PAUSE!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned, Strengthened, and Deeply Appreciated

December 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Lessons learned and greatly appreciated (and quite applicable to parenting) from Life’s Neighborhood–the memory care wing in an assisted living home:

…Being fully present makes all the difference. Oh, yes.

…Connection via a hand placed on another becomes real, meaningful, and important. Holding hands, too.

…LIGHT radiates from those tremendous smiles given as an elderly senior feels that important–albeit often fleeting–connection. So like our baby’s Tremendous Smiles as they first catch sight of us each day…or moment…

…Music and singing lifts souls and taps feet, claps hands, and has some folks dancing–wheel chair bound or not. Movement! So like our little ones.

…Light-hearted humor and playfulness make everything easier and more fun. Laughing. It is essential. Including the kind that turns into tears.

…Pool noodles make great balloon whackers. Whacking balloons brings out GLEE. GLEE leaves folk chuckling, delighting, wanting more. Connection abounds. Playing! Always a good thing.

…The HARD is softened by the bits of JOY shared. And there is joy everywhere…we just have to be looking for it. Sometimes it is obvious, like a lovely gemstone. Sometimes it is the gemstone still in the rough…hard to see the beauty, light, and JOY. Yet it is still there…awaiting a bit of polishing.

…Improvisation. The art of being completely in the moment with another going with THEIR “agenda”, letting go of ours. Pretty powerful. Quite the trails one can go down with a senior with dementia (so like a full-on talking toddler at times as they chat their way through their play!).

…Being understood and appreciated right where a person is “at” brings the warmest smiles of all. Whether its joining alongside a senior who thinks he is headed to a “meeting” with the “boss” to talk about “the numbers” or a young child who is tickled over how the moon “walks with me” and it was “the kitty-no, dinosaur, no my imaginary friend who ate all the peanut butter cuz they crawled into the cupboard, Mama, and hid all night long just like in the story you read and so can I have cookies for lunch?”

...Knowing what to expect and given the chance to be ready feels ever so respectful. To see that in action with elders brings me all the way back to how essential that is for our babies.

…Feeling safe comes from calm, consistent, connected care-giving. And feeling safe is what makes many things possible. It can take time, this feeling safe. Hence the importance of our consistency.

…Big feelings abound. Stepping in alongside gently and quietly can make all the difference in the world. Oh, yes.

…Having a team to work with, laugh with, share with, cry with is essential. Often what self-care is when your work is emotionally and physically HARD and you give 100% all day long. This team-work? It makes all things possible.

Seniors with dementia. Care for them at its best is the very same that we need to be giving our children. Or everyone. Our presence, acceptance, touch. Our respect, gentle care, and calm consistency. What a reminder of how lives can be lived all through the years. What a gift to any of our relationships.

Lessons learned, strengthened, and deeply appreciated. I am grateful to Aegis Living for giving me gifts beyond measure as they so respectfully cared for my mother.

Thank you.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Stress, Conflict, and Relationships…

November 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

“How we handle stress and conflict is

where relationships are born”

( screamfree and Hal Runkel )

I truly appreciate Hal’s work and all that I’ve learned and grown from as a result. Relationships are our foundation in life. Building healthy ones is essential. How we handle stress and conflict determines so much about the health of our relationships.

This is where how we decide to behave or respond in a heated situation either becomes relationship-building or relationship-depleting. And we get plenty of opportunity to practice, for conflicts and challenges with children come…well..sometimes every few minutes…:-)

Relationships are easy when things are all rosy. The real test is when it goes south…and here is where we have a choice.

So often we want to avoid the conflict or fix it immediately. Those unhappy, mad, testing, frustrated moments are uncomfortable–fixing them, making them go away gives us relief. But what does that require? Taking control of how our child is behaving–making them stop, ignoring them completely, cajoling, bribing, demanding, threatening. We become reactive, things spiral up, everyone ends up feeling yucky no matter how it turns out.

What does this communicate to our child? “You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset.” “You need me to decide for you how to feel and behave.” “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self.” That the stronger and more powerful one wins…probably not the message you really want to give. Definitely relationship depleting.

Our choice as things go south? PAUSE….

...and calm ourselves, first and foremost. Being able to calm ourselves (or act-as-if!) and then join in alongside our child through any conflict or discomfort speaks volumes. Respond rather than react. Listen. Collaborate. Still say “NO” as necessary AND from a calm and connected place. Now you are saying, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot,” “I have confidence in you,” “We will be okay,” “How you feel is up to you and I accept your feelings,” “I’ll be here with you as you work through your upset.” What empowering messages for our child.

I so love this story by Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care-–How To Be The Gentle Leader Your Child Needs.

It illustrates just what can happen as we calmly, kindly, and with gentle firmness guide our children through a conflict. With little ones you’ll discover quickly how safe they’ll feel, how connected you are, how good it can be following a conflict. And you’ll know, from deep down, that things are right between you. The conflict? It mellows. Especially due to your calm connection. And your child learns. They can trust you. They feel safe. Your relationship just got stronger.

With older kids, it can take longer. Standing calm, firm, and connected as your teen slams their bedroom door yet again can be incredibly difficult. The desire to go barging in and yell at them to listen, to cut it out, to ‘know better’ is tempting. And in the moment, you may get begrudging and resentful compliance. And this, ultimately, is relationship-depleting . For if they live with begrudgingly and resentfully ‘minding’ you, why would they ever turn to you for support and guidance when they really need it? And if they are busy hearing our “You need ME in order to tell you how to behave and feel”, this can translate to needing a peer to tell them how to handle drugs, sex, alcohol…yikes.

Staying calm, being available to re-connect, being kind and firm in the ‘no’ brings–over time with a teen (with any child)– respect. Now they can feel heard, maybe even understood. There more likely can be compromises. “No’s” can turn into positive negotiations and opportunities to say “Hmmm. I hear you. Let’s give it a try your way.” In many ways it is just like the toddler and preschooler tantruming–the calmer the space you can create with consistent, kind, clear messages, the more likely your teen can calm themselves and be available to really listen. And now they are more likely to tune into themselves–rather than our reactivity. It just takes longer and requires us to trust and persevere…and be patient. It really is a process.

Take time to look for where you are most consistent with your child, where what could be a challenge really isn’t. Think about how you are behaving in those situations. Notice how you feel–your calm, your clarity over what you want or expect, your ability to stay connected and be consistent with following through. Notice how, over time, a difficult situation can change as you choose to stay calm, connected, and consistent day in and day out. And reflect on how your relationship feels.

Relationships are born and grown in the midst of stress and conflict. Grow yours in the direction you want the most–towards trust, caring, confidence, compassion, respect.

And then go take care of yourself–your relationship with YOU is the foundation for all other relationships. Today trust yourself, care for yourself, be confident in yourself, show compassion and respect for yourself. It’ll speak volumes to those around you.

Need help? Here you go: PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection and/or Alice’s Author Page.

Here’s to PAUSE…and growing amazing relationships.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

The Difference Trust Makes

October 23, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

How would YOU feel if…

...you knew without a doubt when you needed something you received it? That even if you had to wait a bit, this knowing made the wait okay?

…you could absolutely 100% count on another? Always? No matter what?

…the most important person in your life truly delighted with great JOY in and with you?

…the most important person in your life surrounded your Great Big Sad with a gentle, understanding presence?

…you were given all the time you needed to make sense out of life and the reassurance of trusted company along the way?

I believe you’d feel STRONG. I know I would. Strong from the inside out. Better able to sort through feelings. Aware of what makes you tick and accepting yourself. Able to relate well with others, for you understand their needs and feelings, too.

You’d be able to TRUST. The foundation for all healthy living and relationships.

I’ve watched many Mamas and Papas over the years and have had the privilege of seeing many children grow into strong and healthy adults from this base of respect, care, love our little ones need from us. And I’ve seen the pain and conflict that happens—the lack of trust in themselves, the world, another-–that can undermine just about everything when this kind of respectful relating and trust building is missed.

This solid foundation of trust? It is initially built in infancy. How we respectfully answer our baby’s needs. How we understand they need us nearby for them to check in with–visually and physically. How we watch and listen and put words to their actions and feelings. How we let them know what needs to happen before we do it. How we ask them if they are ready, or hungry, or sleepy and then respond accordingly. How we PAUSE often to first observe.

And it is essential all through childhood.

It’s tough to do when you have a life of work, school, appointments, multiple kids and maybe a missing partner and whatever and all other challenges.

It requires us to slow it down in whatever way we can.

It has us strengthening our ability to be fully present–even for just a few moments.

It asks us to be clear and intentional about how we want the future to look–not just the next hour. Or minute. Though there are times when that really is all we can do–look to the next minute. And yet, we can be intentional with just how we handle that next minute.

It is about taking time. Taking time to build relationships

that can feel strong from the inside out.

This can happen no matter how intensely HARD our life is. It can happen…

…in the midst of the RUSH by pausing for a few extra seconds to really look at your little one and let them know it is a rush and together you will get through it.

…as you just once today are able to actually PAUSE and respond from a place of calm.

…at family dinner time–even if it is the ONLY time you are together and present.

…as you sit to nurse–and you choose to ONLY sit and nurse rather than scroll through your phone and catch up on texts, emails, social media. Or maybe read to your preschooler as your baby nurses…all snuggled up together.

…in the car as you sing, talk, and listen; on a walk as you pay less attention to how far you are getting and more to what your child is curious about; at a doctor appointment as you talk and read together while in the waiting room; at day-care drop off as you take the extra minutes to respectfully transition your child with care and attention; even in the long and frustrating line at the store as you play I Spy, or finger games, or just wiggle your eyebrows at each other…

Taking time. Building trust so your little one

CAN count on you. Depositing as often as you can into the kind

of relationship you want the most.

Today, deposit. Communicate to your little one in whatever way you can in your situation that they CAN count on you. Take a moment to really watch them. Listen to them. Have a conversation with them. Share JOY, sad, mad, success, a nap, a bath, a book, a moment. It all counts.

Know that by doing so you are giving them exactly what they need in order to grow well–strong, from the inside out. What a gift to our children. What we focus on grows.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Just LISTEN to me!

August 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We want, at times quite desperately, our words alone to work–aka: Just LISTEN to me!

You know the drill:

…your preschooler gets extra lively in a public place–perhaps ‘over the top’ lively. Maybe pulling things off shelves in a store, or running pell-mell in and out of other people, or just bursting with LOUD. You find yourself saying, over and over, “Please stop. Put that back. Hold still. Be quiet. COME HERE NOW…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

...your teen is propped up in front of their computer, Facebook, chat, a favorite TV series all on at the same time. Homework and chores are looming over (your!) head. You find yourself nagging, threatening, bribing–“Get your homework done. Remember to clean the bathroom. Get off of Facebook! If you don’t get onto your jobs soon, I’m going to…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

Your child? They see it is a ticket to do it more, louder, bigger, messier, with sass, THAT tone, you name it. And your anxiety, embarrassment, frustration, and anger gets louder, bigger, messier, comes out with sass, THAT tone, you name it. Oh my, who is the adult in all of this? And things typically disintegrate further.

How would it feel to be confident your child can choose

appropriate behavior as necessary? That you can count on them to manage themselves well? That they can hear your words the first time and they ARE effective?

I’m betting it would feel absolutely wonderful if you felt confidence in both yourself and your child, in how you communicate, cooperate, collaborate. I’m betting you’d feel steadier and stronger from the inside out, and your child, too. I’m betting things would feel a bit more peaceful and positive. At least some of the time :-).

What might this take?

PAUSE. Always, always PAUSE. It really does come first and is

the foundation for all of this.

Then consider just what you really want the most. If you intend to grow a child who can, on their own, decide to listen, choose appropriate behaviors, be responsible for the choices they make, then it begins with you calming yourself down and recognizing your words alone are not enough–it is essential to say what you mean AND mean what you do. To take action.

Here’s the trick with little guys. Let PAUSE calm you down, then shove your anxiety and embarrassment out of the way, focus on your intent to help your child learn to manage themselves so maybe words alone COULD work eventually, step close to your child and perhaps:

...put your arms around them or your hand on their shoulder; kneel down to their level; maybe pick them up, rubber arms and all.

...steer them gently towards whatever the solution is–if it’s returning items to where they belong, know that you may end up doing most of the work as you gently keep them alongside you–and that’s okay.

...be willing to let them get mad; always affirm their feelings and wishes: “It makes you mad when I stop you from running pell-mell around the store. You’d like me to put you down. It’s not safe and I will hold you.” “You were having fun pulling all the cloth bags off the rack! You really don’t like it when I stop you. The bags belong on the rack…”

...be willing to let go of it all and leave the situation with your child–especially if they’ve reached the tantrum level. Now nothing you say will be heard or processed–calm connection is essential for them to regain self-control and be able to listen to you. It’s okay to head back to the car and leave the full grocery cart behind. It is equally okay to return to the store once calm has been restored–what a way to role model responsibility!

…know what can motivate them positively–-“When you calm down and we finish returning things to the shelves, I can tell you a funny story about…I can listen to your ideas…We can take daddy his lunch…” You are the expert on your child, and you know just what can help move them through a tough situation. Respect their feelings, take your time moving through the challenge, and then use what you know will have you heading the direction you want. My girls LOVED tiptoeing out to see if the ravens were splashing in all the puddles…eventually. After we worked through the MAD or SAD that was holding us up…:-)

And now you’ve communicated that your child

can count on you to keep it together no matter how they behave. That they can count on you to keep your promises and follow through with exactly what your words were saying.

What a powerful message–one that leaves a child feeling safe, able to trust you, secure in your calm connection. This is where children now can learn to manage themselves. Words alone only work when the foundation has been set via action defined by calm connection. A PAUSE allows you to be intentional with your word choice so you CAN follow through and keep your promise. Take care in your words–choose just what you really mean and will do.

Your older child or teen? Let your PAUSE give you time to reflect on just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, find ways to calm your anxiety over their choices, be clear on what you expect. Self-care, remember? Key for being able to calm our anxiety!

Then let go. Let go of trying to control every little thing and instead consider just what it is you want your child to learn, how you want them to grow, and how best to do so. I remember well the push and pull over homework with my daughter and her finally saying, “Mom, if you keep nagging me about my homework, it’s just going to make me not do it!” And that is exactly what happens when we are caught up in reactivity–we tend to get more of just what we don’t want. I learned–and so did she. I paused, considered what I really wanted, and later went back to her with, “You are right. Homework is your responsibility and you don’t need me to remind you to do it. Here’s what I’m hoping–I ‘d like to know what your plans are to accomplish your work. That will help me be better at letting go of reminding (AKA nagging) you!”

This led to us making more of a team effort that resulted in my backing off and her stepping up. I had to let go of how she did her work (certainly not the way I’D do it!) and appreciate the fact she DID it–and my backing off gave her the message that I believed she was a capable student, able to take full responsibility for her choices (key for successful adulthood).

My words alone were not enough, the action that followed (staying quiet!) spoke volumes.

And here’s the cool thing. Our words alone CAN work--when you’ve set the foundation of trust necessary for your child to believe you. Trust built from your action. Say what you mean and mean what you do. Calmly. With connection.

Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.

Consider where words alone work and consider what has led up to this success. Most likely these successes were preceded by your calm connection, respectful words, and gentle yet firm action.Reflecting on these times can empower you to move through the next “I wish my words alone would work…if they’d only listen to me…why do I have to say it over and over and over again…”…with the calm connection, clarity, and confidence your children need from you.

It takes resilience. Pausing often. Patience. A bit of creativity. Understanding of your child’s age, stage, and need. So be sure to take care of YOU along the way. Here’s something to help you along-–A Recipe for Parenting Success!

It really can make parenting easier…and definitely more joyful!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Building Resilience in Our Children

June 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Resilience…the ability to manage and move through struggle productively. And struggles we will all have. Helping to grow children able to draw upon their inner strength and appropriate coping mechanisms is key for healthy living. Here is what I gathered together for a handout shared at a workshop with parents:

What can resilience look like?

Sticking with a frustrating experience—whether it is working through a really tough school assignment, a little one FINALLY (and with great pride) getting shoes tied on her own after focusing and fussing and trying again all morning long, or perhaps working hard at getting up the icy sledding hill no matter the backwards slide that seems to defeat the goal…

Picking yourself up again following yet another failure—such as forging ahead to study even harder as yet another school assignment came back with a poor grade; deciding to practice a dance routine endlessly after getting cut from the school talent show—because you KNOW another chance will come and you want to be ready; a baby pulling herself up, falling, bonking her head, crying, and still pulling herself up once again…

Grieving successfully—experiencing loss via a death, change of any sort, or separation (even from those special stuffed animals that need to, at times, get washed) can cause feelings of grief. By giving all feelings a chance to be expressed, to feel supported and safe in the midst of all the big feelings, to have resources to turn to—and to turn to them—is key for moving through any loss.

Coping with any stress in healthy ways—whether it is actively breathing through another morning rushed for time and actually staying calm despite everyone else falling apart; a child being allowed to feel mad and sad about the big move to a new town, house, and/or school—and given ways to share his feelings in productive ways; or perhaps your child bursting with energy following a long day at school—and given the opportunity to burst! Followed by a good snack…and maybe some down time… 🙂

What do our children need to be resilient?

~ To feel strong from within themselves and the awareness they can “turn within” to draw upon this strength

~ Close, connected, caring relationships with their adults–trust is built upon these and trust is key.

~ To feel in control of themselves—managing feelings, feeling capable, able to problem solve, can count on a trusted adult to have confidence in their abilities.

~ Ability to make healthy, productive choices in order to process stress–and having been shown what these are as their trusted adult role-models often.

~ Time to play, for children–younger ones especially–use play for processing experiences. Often non-adult directed and uninterrupted, creative and imaginative play.

What does building resilience in our child require from us?

~Being the calm, connected, consistent guide that they can count on

~ Naming and affirming feelings; showing them appropriate ways to express them

~ Respecting struggle—step back and resist fixing, rescuing, berating as your child struggles. See struggle as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than a problem to fix.

~ Giving our kids plenty of opportunity to be in charge of themselves (age appropriately) so they can learn from the inside out that they are capable, competent souls.

~ Noticing daily what is working for your child to manage struggle—in little or big ways. “You really stuck with that…I noticed how reading books in your room helped you calm yourself…You asked for help just when you needed it the most…You kept your hands to yourself! That took a lot of self-control…” What we focus on grows.

Resilience! A strength for a lifetime of wellness.

A bit more from me:

Know that all you do to respect your child’s feelings, time to play, ability to solve their own problems as you walk beside them listening and asking questions, the more they can grow their selves from the inside-out. Strength! And a solid foundation from which to navigate the ups and downs of life.

Know that the more you focus first on yourself, calming your own anxieties down, pausing in order to respond instead of react, the more you communicate to your child your confidence in their ability to move through any struggle.

Resilience. We get plenty of opportunity to roll up our sleeves and dig in deep–whether it is daily parenting stress or a pandemic. Give your child the gift of your resilience as you help them build their own.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Parenting is Hard. Confusing. Exhausting. CONSTANT.

April 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

You know, it’s easy for me to forget just how insane parenting can be when you have two jobs, school, activities, whining, complaining, yelling, lack of desired compliance, stubborn-ness, talking back, slamming doors, AND maybe single parenting…

Oh, the noise noise NOISE. Audible and visual. Chaos.

I was reminded of this the other night as I spoke with a group of parents coming together to grow their ability to create meaningful connections with their children. To feel stronger in their ability to be sure they are building relationships in healthy and positive ways.

As you can imagine, it was all about PAUSE and how–in a heated button pushing moment and total craziness–to create one, how it can influence positively, how it can change in sometimes teeny tiny ways and other times in tremendous ways, a situation, interaction, relationship.

It was also about how HARD this all is.

I heard about how, when 3 kids are coming at you, your head fills with HEAT and you feel ready to explode. And often do.

I heard the “I just want my child to RESPECT me and LISTEN to me–preferably the first time…because she never does!”

I heard the “NOTHING works in regards to my kid staying in bed and it drives me nuts…I am so tired of totally losing it…”

And I heard how deep each parent’s love goes and is felt as they shared what feels especially good to them. Story time with all the kids piled up on the bed together. Reading on the couch with snuggling girls. Being the lap your child crawls into to share a great big sad. Family Bed Time each morning when they first crawl in-between mom and dad with arms splayed to be sure to touch both of you and just..well…snuggle some more. Quietly. At least…for the first minute or so.

I was reminded how being totally immersed in parenting is HARD. Exhausting. Confusing. Emotional. CONSTANT.

I know this. I definitely understand it. And yes, I can be pretty far removed from it, as well. Sort of like forgetting over time the pain of child birth…? And remembering only the moment of meeting my babies for the first time…

So I apologize. I apologize if my words speak to you of possibilities that seem out of reach. I apologize if my work and words seem too far removed from YOUR reality. And I also stand by my work and words. Because you know what? I really DO remember the insanity of it all. Maybe different insanity, for we each have different experiences and realities, but insanity and chaos all the same.

And I also know, without a doubt, that there are ways to move through this chaos feeling a little less HOT. A little less overwhelmed.

More confident. More centered.

Stronger and steadier from the inside out.

It doesn’t remove the HARD. It just makes it something you can actually feel better about being in. Sometimes truly clear and confident and calm. Sometimes just a bit better and that counts and is worth focusing on. Actually, NECESSARY to focus on.

You know what else I heard?

I heard the AHA’s as the parent who feels HOT with all the noise noise noise realized that these times go so much better when she either sends everyone outdoors OR if she talks to herself and names HER mad and upset in her head. She feels a little more in control of her self. I hope she takes this and runs with it–to notice feeling a little better and let it shift how she then responds to her kids. To use “going outdoors” for herself, if not the kids. What a difference that can make.

I heard the dad who gets driven nuts endlessly by bedtime stuff say, “But it doesn’t happen when mom is gone…” Something IS working. Worth looking at. I hope he does take time to consider what is different about bedtime for him and his son when mom is gone…

I heard the mom who wants her child to just LISTEN to her realize that their last vacation, unlike all the others, actually went really smoothly…that her little girl DID listen, stay close, cooperate, have fun. She even shared how they’d belt out tunes together in the car and how mom found she really didn’t mind the mess in the back seat…I hope she considers how her feeling a bit lighter, more matter-of-fact, and able to let go of certain things spoke volumes to her little girl.

I heard the mom with the sobbing 11-year-old realize that the fact her daughter felt she COULD come and sob just with her was really a gift. One that spoke of her daughter feeling safe and secure with mom. That she trusted her and therefore could let it all hang out. Maybe now, instead of feeling like all the work she did at letting go of the annoying texts and complaints led to failure (“my daughter lost it anyway!”), she recognizes it actually led to her daughter being able to share some of her deepest feelings. Talk about relationship building.

My work? It isn’t about making all the hard, upset, big feelings, chaos disappear.

My work is about helping YOU gain at least a foothold on the steadying place within that allows you to move through the hard, upset, big feelings, and chaos feeling stronger.

Maybe only a bit, maybe in time a lot. But stronger, none the less. It is less about being oh-so-calm and way more about feeling steadier, stronger, clearer, more confident. This can lead to calm…and sometimes begins with calm…but calm can be tough to find in the craziness of life.

I learned a lot that night, because I listened, remembered, appreciated…and I hope the parents left feeling a bit of the meaningful connection with each other, with me that they came to explore and strengthen for themselves. I hope they left realizing how they were already connecting with their children in lovely, relationship building ways and had one more tool for doing more of this. This is always my intent.

To leave others feeling

supported, encouraged, even empowered to create MORE of what they truly want.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Rivalry! Sisters, brothers, cell phones…

March 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Sibling rivalry.

You know, the whining, fighting, crying, tugging, hitting…and how it drives us crazy, worries us, leaves us wondering if there’ll EVER be peace in the household?

I know, you are thinking I’m talking about your child’s relationship with their sister or brother and that maybe I’ll have some words of wisdom to help you with all that sibling rivalry .

What I want you to consider is this–I’m actually talking about your PHONE. Yes. Your phone. And yes, I’ll talk more about those brother and sister challenges…

Here’s the deal.

With more and more of our attention being drawn to all-things-phone–even when we THINK we are listening to our child, what our child is feeling is the competition for our attention.

Think of it this way–your phone has become your child’s rival.

And they whine. Drop to a puddle around our feet. Tell us loud and clear, “You aren’t LISTENING with your EYES!” Pick fights with others around them to get our attention. Hit. Grab. Want equal time on our phone–whether it is to figure out this rival for our attention and maybe be RID of it or discover just what it is we are so fascinated about that they decide this must be how life is to be experienced and they want to be a part of this life–hence more a part of yours.

Connection. That is what they are seeking and will look for it any way they can, productive and healthy or not 🙂 .

Sibling rivalry among children is normal. It can be healthy. It is always an opportunity for the kids involved to learn a bit more about negotiating, problem solving, collaboration, compromise. It can truly be relationship-building as we join alongside our kids to help them out with all the big and loud feelings involved. Connection can more likely be at the forefront. Big feelings are learned about and better managed. I could go on and on…

Sibling rivalry with our phones is relationship-depleting. DIS-connecting. Interrupting. It communicates, “You aren’t important enough to give my full attention to.” “My ‘life’ on my phone is what is my priority.” “THIS is how our day/life is supposed to be spent.” “I’d rather constantly put out fires around me then pause long enough to help you learn and grow so fires are unnecessary.”

Hmmmm….now there’s a thought.

When we are constantly distracted, we tend to respond to everything around us from a reactive place. We wait until it is bad enough and then we give the “fire” (aka hitting, whining, crying, fighting) the cursory bucket of water (aka STOP THAT; QUIT or you’ll be sorry; Here, watch this movie and be quiet…). Whew. All is good. For a moment. And then it all starts back up again, for our child? They haven’t really learned anything more about how to manage themselves…mostly because we just toss that “bucket of water” over whatever “fire” with the hopes of avoiding it next time around.

Not very productive. Or healthy. Or relationship building.

Back to the phone deal. Here’s what we CAN do.

Notice our use of our phones. Be sure to turn them off or at least to silent when we are engaged with our child. Recognize the need to be away from our phones so we CAN be healthier, and our discomfort in doing so. See that discomfort as the gift of awareness it is–something you can work on little bits at a time.

When you feel that tug on your arm, PAUSE. Look at your child. Let them know you see and hear them. Tell them what they can expect AS you look at them. “I need to finish my text then I can give you my full attention.” OR “I can listen to you right now. My text can wait.”

Then follow through. With ALL of you. Your eyes, your body, your hands, your lap.

Try this today. Try practicing tucking your phone away for a bit and get used to a bit of discomfort…then turn to your child and really look at them and delight in being able to communicate, “YOU matter.”

And the rivalry can diminish…disappear…and CONNECTION–honest, real, meaningful CONNECTION leads the way.

Pretty amazing what happens when our children feel connected to us. Heard. Understood. Enjoyed. Pretty amazing what happens to US when we feel that way with ourselves.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

PICK ME UP NOW!

January 25, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! A story of the power of calm connection for you.

I watched a mom come into a preschool the other day–her son was crying and yelling and twisting around, reaching up for her, obviously wanting to be picked up.

Mom, quite calmly and composed (she felt comfortable in this welcoming public place of preschool), stopped, looked down at her over-the-top screaming son and said, “You are having a really hard time. I see that. I’m here and when you can use calmer words, I can pick you up.”

The screaming got louder, the physical insistence to PICK ME UP NOW quite clear. Words, no such thing. As a matter of fact, I doubt he was capable of using words right then, though I appreciated the mom’s efforts.

As Teacher neared, mom moved a bit away, intentionally creating a pause for herself, looking at some of the lovely pictures on the wall. I’m certain her “when you can use your words” was also helping create the pause she needed to be the calm presence her son needed. Son was a basket case, melted on the floor, screaming. Teacher kneels down and talks softly to the young boy–to no avail. Mom bends down once again and gently repeats, “You are really upset. When you can use your calmer words, I can pick you up.”

This, unfortunately, pushed his button further and he escalated. Somehow they managed to move, slowly and with son wrapped around mom’s leg (and mom comfortably okay with this) into the room where cool things were available to play.

This time mom knelt down next to her son, touched him gently, and waited quietly with him.

Just kept him company in all of his big feelings. He leaned into her (for really, what he really wanted was HER), content to be snuggled next to her. Mom stayed true to her word at not picking him up, and gave him exactly what he needed to move through this upset–her calm and connected self.

And he DID calm down. Soon he began watching the other kids. Mom didn’t move. Then they began talking with each other about what was out to play with. Mom still didn’t move. She waited until her son made HIS move to go explore cool things.

Calm connection. It spoke volumes.

As did her promise of picking him up when he could use his words. She gave her son her confidence in his ability to manage his big feelings. And she gave him her company–quiet, safe, available.

This is the power of calm connection, for it makes what could be truly a disaster into a relationship building experience. It allows for feelings to be sorted through. It gives the company where company is needed. It doesn’t take ownership over the other’s upset, it just gives it the space of grace necessary for moving through it well. Or well enough And it is often hard to do.

I think this mom felt it get hard, because even though she was calm and consistent with what her son could expect (using words…), he was hearing none of it. I think it is at this point we PAUSE to consider just what we are trying to do–and if it is to get them to comply, to finally LISTEN and do as we say, then we need to PAUSE again. And consider just what they need, rather than what we want.

Let go a bit of our trying to control and step in and discover just what “calm connection” and feeling “in control” can look like without compliance.

Because that is where the real growth is. And this mom did just this, after the ***hard*** of realizing not picking him up was just escalating things more. I so appreciated how she found a way to create the connection he needed the most AND stay true to her word. Kneeling down and touching her son. Gently. Taking her time. And it worked.

She wasn’t “in control” of her son–HE was gaining control of himself. Now that’s real growth.

A story for you. Maybe it resonates. Maybe you have other ways to move through these moments that feel good to you and you can share here. Just know that it is with a PAUSE in place and calm connection leading the way that the greatest gifts emerge. In time. And with hard work.

Make it great today,
Alice

Tidbits of Positive Discipline to Help You

January 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Positive, gentle discipline…what is it?

~ Guidance at its best—helping children grow and learn along their own developmental timeline.

~ Guiding calmly with words and actions over and over and over again. Practice! It is essential.

~ Focusing first on the positive influence you’d like to be, rather than trying to make your child behave.

~ Respectful of the processes growth and learning are; respectful of the relationship you are intending to build.

Dynamics of positive discipline…

~ Be clear with your expectations—give your child a clear framework from which to work and learn.

~ Offer choices that puts things in your child’s control as much as possible.

~ Follow through calmly and consistently with their choice.

~ Show and ask rather than direct and demand.

~ “No” is most effective when rarely used. Save your NO!

But what if they still don’t behave?!

~ Let the consequences do the “screaming” for you—let the results of their choices speak for themselves as you provide the understanding and calm presence necessary for your child to truly learn.

~ Allow space for your child to experience the result of his choice–a PAUSE on your part, often!

~ Know that your job is to influence (instead of control) your child in such a way that s/he can decide on their own to choose more productive and positive actions. This can take time…

~ Be ready to guide them through what needs to happen, with your calm, gentle connection leading the way.

What does this require of you?

~ Endless amounts of patience and stamina!

~ Humor, creativity, ability to let go, ability to PAUSE…

~ Self-care! Do something just for you often—even if just for a few minutes.

Phrases to help you along…

~ “It’s time to head in—are you going to march down our path or wade through the deep snow?”

~ “Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.”

~ “I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.”

~ “We sit on our bottoms at the table. If it is too hard for you, it means you are all done with your dinner.”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can help you.”

~ “Hitting hurts and I will stop you. We use gentle hands and our words. What is it you’d like to say?”

What you can look forward to…

~ A child who is more likely to listen, have fewer struggles, be more willing to cooperate and collaborate.

~ Respect for and from your child–-respect grown because of your calm and connected self.

~ A positive, healthier relationship with your child…something we all want.

~ A child set up to grow as a self-directed, responsible person/future adult. How cool is that?

~ A more peaceful home! At least some of the time… :-).

Be the positive, gentle influence your child needs to grow in

healthy and relationship-building ways.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Holidays! They Can Be Tough.

December 16, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Here’s to YOU this holiday season and all the joy and angst it can bring…

Holidays can be tough for many reasons…and for children it is a combination of change of routine to over-the-top excitement that has them often quite “off kilter.” Which, of course, translates into your button being pushed…tempers flaring…tears and tantrums while all we REALLY want is to enjoy our Christmas, our Hanukkah, our Kwanzaa, our time together as a family.

Seems simple, doesn’t it? It can be. Here are some ideas for you that worked in our family for keeping holiday time more relaxed and enjoyable:

~ Simplify and slow things down. In any way you can. Lessen the number of events you commit to or leave them on the earlier side so bedtime remains consistent. Say yes to invites that allow for flexibility with what works for your family–open ended arrival and departure times, kid-friendly, food (of course! Even if you just bring your own…) Exchange fewer gifts and instead enjoy more family games and activities…snuggling up with a good story really can be enough.

Let go of trying to make so many wonderful Christmas goodies–perhaps pick a favorite or two and include your child in the making. Or not :-). Choose meals that are easier for you, ones that make delicious leftovers so the NEXT night it is just a quick re-heat.

Doing less allows you to slow down. Slowing down allows you to create that calm(er) connection your children need; to notice and attend to their needs; to b-r-e-a-t-h-e; to really be able to pick and choose from all the wonderful choices that abound during holiday time.

~ Recognize the disruption, especially for younger children, that holidays bring. Anything you can do to keep a routine in place (or even a semblance of one) will be key. Let your child know what to expect each day or even from hour to hour. Let them know they can count on the usual story times with you, the usual morning ritual, the regular walk to the park.

Give them (and YOU) a bit of grace as they collapse in a puddle of tears over what SEEMS to be minor…try to keep bedtime routines in place, even if the hour changes. And keep your word–follow through with what you say will happen or what you say you will do. Be ridiculously consistent–this speaks safety and trust to your little one, calming them down; helping them navigate in better shape the ups and downs holidays bring.

~ Exercise YOUR pause muscle continuously. Pause and take a moment to sit with your child who has melted down. Pause and remind yourself things are off kilter for your child, then let them know you understand. Pause and use your encouraging self-talk to stay calm despite the storm. Pause and *see* the joyful family time you really want and decide in the current moment what might help bring this into reality. Pause and SLOW THINGS DOWN. Know that by doing so you will more likely create the kind of family experience you are striving for.

Pause via self-care–YES. Take time regularly for you, even if for just a moment here and there. This is key for your ability to navigate the inevitable chaos of holidays with the calm connection and JOY (or at least sanity) in place.

Make a gift to yourself and pick up PAUSE. What a way to take care of YOU this holiday season. What a way to help create the family life you truly want.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Positive or Permissive Parenting?

December 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

It seems many parents mistake positive and peaceful (I like to call it respectful) parenting with permissive parenting. There is a significant difference.

While permissive parenting comes across as peaceful, we tend to parent this way out of our anxiety over our children being upset, over stirring the pot, over the fear of feeling out of control or having too little knowledge about child development. We tend to give in in order to avoid conflict; we give in because we just really don’t know what else to do; we give in in order to avoid the mad, sad, hurt that we just can’t seem to handle.

What does this create? More and greater conflict and challenge down the road. When a child has no clear boundaries, no firm, kind, and consistent guidance, no acknowledgment of and room for feeling ALL the feelings of being human–when they cannot count on US to keep it together enough to help THEM through the ups and downs of life–they now are more likely to feel unsafe and insecure.

They tend to act out even more, never really learning how to manage themselves well--feelings, bodies, thoughts, you name it. Come teen years this can mean relationships have eroded, behavior escalated, and things can get incredibly challenging. And scary.

What does respectful, positive parenting look like? (I hesitate to use the word “peaceful” for really, doing the hard work of parenting is often ANY thing but peaceful… 🙂 )

Some highlights:

~ Clear, reasonable, and age appropriate expectations. Here is where we are responsible for understanding child development, for willingly and actively seeking out what we need to learn in order to parent well. So many resources around for just this!

~ Calm, consistent, and timely follow through for results of our child’s choice–whether it is choosing between the purple or green sweater to wear or choosing to ignore you, hit, talk back, dump the dirt from your plant onto the freshly vacuumed carpet, yank the cat’s tail, test test test you ’til the days end. Our calm, connected leadership speaks volumes to our child.

~ Kind and respectful interactions–letting a child know what to expect, asking a child if they are ready prior to doing something to/with them (like washing their face, changing their diaper, whisking them out the door to the next round of activities…), giving them a choice over how to use their body, always naming and affirming their feelings, listening with care, letting a PAUSE lead the way first and foremost.

~ Role modeling just what you want to see more of--kindness, compassion, self-control, healthy ways to express feelings, sharing. This includes showing them how YOU take a break to cool down before continuing on with a conversation. This includes respecting their thoughts and feelings, especially if you want (eventually) for them to respect yours.

~ Guiding a child towards appropriate expression of feelings rather than coercing, threatening, nagging, avoiding. This includes stopping hurtful behavior calmly and quickly, acknowledging feelings and desires, including them in the process of what they can do, and showing them if necessary. Over and over and over again. It means letting them finish their cry. Giving them the opportunity to express their mad in productive ways. Understanding that it is their job to feel better, your job to keep them company along the way.

~ Accepting and trusting each child’s timeline for growth. It differs for each child. Respectful parenting means we understand this and support and encourage our child with respect to their abilities. Always.

Positive, respectful parenting provides a clear, respectful structure for a child to feel safe and secure. It provides an emotional and physical environment that supports the child in such a way they can test, act out, explore thoroughly, make mistakes, slowly learn how to express themselves well. It gives a child the opportunity to grow strong and well from the inside out.

What does this require of us? Knowledge of child development, willingness to keep on learning and growing, ability to feel calm, confident, and in charge (PAUSE!), extensive patience, self-care kept a priority. Does it mean we never lose it, yell, wish we could have a do-over? Nope. It means we know how to be gentle with ourselves as we forgive, apologize, care for us when we feel especially bad. Self-care–it truly is baseline for parenting well. And what a way to role model something essential for living well.

Positive, respectful parenting is something we role model, it is a way of life, it fosters just the kind of relationships many of us strive for–healthy, loving, deeply connected, respectful, joyful. It can bring ease into your family’s rhythm, it can create the foundation for making parenting easier and far more rewarding. And it takes practice–and trust in the process raising future adults is.

Positive, respectful parenting supports your child in becoming their best self; it supports you in becoming your best self.

What a gift for all!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

How Many Times Do I Need to Tell You?!!

September 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Oh how often we find ourselves saying just this,

“How many times do I have to tell you?!”

And we get frustrated because, even after the ump-TEENTH time our kids STILL aren’t listening. Things spiral up, we find ourselves yelling, often punishing, doing whatever it takes to “get them to behave, to just LISTEN.”

Consider this…what would it take from YOU for your child to know, without a doubt, you’d only ask once or twice at best? What could be different in your household if this was the case? I believe you’d discover more of a positive flow to your day, more cooperative and collaborative children, feeling a calmer connection and definitely healthier relationships…

And children who listen. How would THAT feel?!

Credit to Bil and Jeff Keane
Family Circus

Consider the messages we give when we ask over and over again for them to listen and behave, yet never follow through with action. I believe some are:

“You don’t have to trust that what I say, I mean and will do.” “You can’t count on me, for I don’t keep my promises.” “My Mad is your fault and your responsibility!” Whew.

Probably not what you intend. And how confusing for our children. Or maybe it sounds like this, “How many times do I need to tell you?” “I don’t know…maybe 16?” For really, it IS up to US how many times we decide to ask or tell our children whatever it is we are wanting them to act upon. No wonder things begin to spiral up, get more intense, at times explode…here we are asking them to decide for us what it is WE want. Confusing!

If we intend to grow listeners and enjoy the cooperation we really can have with our children, I believe we must first focus on ourselves and become clear on just what we want.

It is then our job to say to them exactly

what we mean…and to follow through, calmly and consistently,

by doing just what we said.

When we can calmly and consistently follow through–-ask only once (maybe twice… 🙂 ?!), then step in and connect, guiding them gently–then our children begin to learn they truly can trust us, count on us, believe us when we say, “It is time to…”

We keep our promises.

What a way to role model integrity. What a way to show them what “keeping promises” means. What a way to let them know they can count on us. This can be difficult for it can mean we end up with…

…a tantruming child who is resisting in all ways possible as you calmly follow through with buckling them up–“I know, it really makes you mad when we have to get loaded up in the car to go. You’d really like to stay. I’m buckling you and then we will head on down the road!”

…removing them from a heated interaction–“You are super upset. Let’s go find a place for you to settle down and when you are feeling calmer, we can try again…”

…putting their beloved toy away–“When you keep throwing this toy, it can hurt something or someone. Time to put it up and give it and you a break….”

…saying NO to using the car (yes, teens have tantrums, too) or playing with a friend or going to a birthday party–“It really saddens you that you have to say no to your friend today. I bet when you have finished up with the work you need to do, we can make different plans. Let me know when you are ready to do so!”

The more we can PAUSE, calm ourselves,

consider what we really want for our child–what we really want them to learn–then we are better able to “ask only once”–clearly and calmly. And then follow through.

Keep your promises today. Even if it is for a lost privilege. Know that as you do so, you are role modeling for your child just what you want the most–a child who can count on you, trust in others, live with integrity.

Keep calm connection and clarity at the forefront in all you do…act-as-if when necessary…and notice what is different as a result.

If you enjoyed this article, here’s another you may find helpful: Save Your NO!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Consider Consequences…

September 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’d really like to be rid of the word “consequences.” This may be a matter of semantics, but stay with me here.

I know they are important. I know we toss that word around a lot when we are frustrated, concerned, working hard at showing our children (and perhaps adults you might know) that their actions have consequences.

This is true, I absolutely agree with that. Actions do have consequences. Yet this word “consequences?” It gets misused. It is defined quite often as punishment.

Think about this–“That child needs consequences!” Really what is being said is, “That child needs to be punished in order to learn to do it the RIGHT way, MY way, the kind, good, easy or whatever way.”

Consequences and Punishment. They just seem to mean the same to so many.

I’d like to suggest something else. I’d like to re-frame consequences as “The Results of Choices.” Results. The outcome of however our child chooses. Whether it is to earn something, pay for something, experience loss, experience joy…

Take hitting, for example.

You know, the hitting between siblings, the hit from one child to another that happens when a toy is grabbed or a buddy gets in the way or when we try to step in and help a situation. The hit from a very upset child. We know hitting isn’t okay. It certainly pushes OUR button…

Think about this. Because it pushes our button and we just want it to STOP we often find ourselves saying, “He needs to know there are consequences for hitting his sister!” Seen as a punishment, we are now stepping in making them stop, often getting upset ourselves, removing them from the situation to “Go to time out young man!” Threatening to take away privileges–“No more iPad!” “No way can you go to your friend’s party now!”; or worse, we hit them to show them how it hurts. That makes no sense and is never okay.

What do they learn? That when they hit, WE lose our temper.That their hitting or not hitting is about how WE feel, not how they feel, how the one who was hit feels, not how to express feelings appropriately. That it is all about how we react–and now their attention is way less on what we hope they can learn and WAY more on how we are reacting.

What do we WANT them to learn? That when they get upset they can use their words, come get an adult to help, take time to cool off. That gentler hands are important. We want them to learn how to cooperate, be patient, PAUSE. To manage themselves in healthy and productive ways.

So what is the Result of their Choice to Hit? That it hurts.

And that hurt causes another to be sad and upset. And when someone is sad and upset, we comfort them. We show the hitter what the hitting caused. And knowing that younger children, when they hit, are typically equally hurt inside, the result of them hitting is that we kneel down and talk with them–gently, firmly, with our full and understanding presence.

Maybe the result of their choice to hit goes further. Maybe it is that time to cool off is in order. Maybe it is showing them what they CAN hit. Maybe it is about picking up the one who got hit and heading elsewhere for a bit…putting our attention on what we want more of–less hitting, more compassion.

If we had stepped in with “CONSEQUENCES!” I’d venture to say lessons learned are way less about our child learning more about himself. When we step in as the guide through the results of their actions, so much more INNER learning goes on–and that is exactly what is needed in order to grow in healthy ways, to become a successful adult able to manage their feelings, know themselves well, build healthy relationships with others.

What does this require from us?

First and foremost, our ability to PAUSE. To consider just what we want the most, what our child needs in order to learn and grow, to calm ourselves enough that however we then respond it is done in a relationship-building way.

It requires our patience and ability to Take. Our. Time.

It asks us to take care of ourselves so our feelings of MAD or worry or frustration can be calmed and dealt with, no matter what our child decides to do. Self-care. It is essential in order to parent well.

It asks us to know our child…and to understand ages and stages so we CAN understand better what our child needs.

Today, PAUSE. Calm your self. Consider just what you want to show your child so they can learn a bit more how to manage themselves, how to sort their feelings, how to use their words. Step in alongside and show them the way.

**Let your calm and confident self create the connection your child needs so they can do the learning and growing they need the most.**

What a way to deposit into your relationship with your child.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

YOUR (Future) Amazing Adult!

July 30, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

What could be different if you set your sight on growing an amazing adult–one who is creative, a problem solver, self-assured, responsible, respectful, compassionate, self-directed…?

How then might you respond to the spilled cups of milk, the paint all over everything except the paper, the toe-dragging to do homework, the tantrum in the store, the flamboyant clothing style, the intentional arrival home after curfew?

I think:

...the spilled milk could become an opportunity for discovering what method of clean up works best–sponge (squish!), mop, rag…and an opportunity for practicing pouring a bit more all by themselves…an opportunity to experiment with different kinds of cups to discover what may work better. Or maybe just to discover that they are all done with their milk and Mama is a bit exasperated and everyone (including Mama) gets to take a time out to regroup… 🙂 This is REAL learning from the inside out.

…the paint that has escaped the paper in bucket fulls?! A wonderful chance to play with how colors mix, how effective brushes are (or aren’t!) to ‘scoop’ the paint back to the paper, what happens as you bring water and a rag to the situation. Oh, and don’t forget the chance to watch as the rag is squished over the sink and the colors that flow down the drain! All of this, of course, with the understanding that ON the paper the paint needs to be…and perhaps painting will retreat to the bathtub for future endeavors… 🙂 And isn’t Mama good at acting-as-if she is calm and cool as perhaps the paint just gets put away and “we can try again another day”?

...the toe-dragging over homework? An opportunity to discover what happens at school the next day when they choose to not do their homework. An opportunity to discover that their choice to stall leaves them no time to join the family after-dinner game. Or that they can count on a good snack and your company as they work hard at getting their math sheet DONE. An opportunity to discover what is really important to them, what they like and don’t like, what is their responsibility and is not…again, REAL learning from the inside out that will strengthen them continually as they grow.

…the tantrum could be come an opportunity to learn it is okay to feel mad, that they can count on mom or dad to keep it together when they cannot, that a tantrum doesn’t work to get the candy they’d hoped for, that they DO know how to calm themselves and try again. A chance to learn a bit more about how to manage all their BIG and necessary feelings. A chance for you to count to a hundred multiple times in a row…and remind yourself this, too, shall pass and that YOU deserve a bit of self-care.

...flamboyant clothing (or hair, or…!) becomes an opportunity to explore their identity–to discover how they like or don’t like their friends’ response to their clothing choice, to figure out on their own if attention from the opposite sex really is appreciated, to find out that wearing a poofy and frilly Easter dress and party shoes really inhibits playtime on the playground…or maybe not, since what they like the most is sitting on a bench talking with friends. Perhaps an opportunity to, as you really do say NO to a choice, team up with you and use their independent, creative ideas to brainstorm acceptable choices they feel express who they are. And now it’s an opportunity to explore WHO they are, separate from you. Just what they need lots of opportunities for!

...coming home after curfew becomes an opportunity to discover just what is their responsibility…to find out that having the chance to go out with friends the next night has just been jeopardized…that they get to miss out on something important to them…or an opportunity to collaborate with US as to just what needs to be different for a successful night out. An opportunity to connect with us in such a way that they feel heard and can get upset with us–that their mad is okay, too.

What does all of this require from us?

Staying calm and connected. Self-care so we can be (calm and connected). Letting go of our desire to control and make our children obey and instead recognizing in order to grow a truly self-directed, responsible adult, it is our job to embrace all the tests and problems tossed at us as opportunities for learning and growth. Theirs AND ours.

Becoming clear about just what we want the most. To take the time to think about that future adult we intend to grow and know. To consider what we are doing right now to encourage them in this direction. To let a PAUSE give you the chance to think less about solving the immediate “problem” and instead respond based on what it is you want the most–whether it is “down the road” or right now as you work hard at getting out the door in one piece.

Patience and consistency–essential for guiding our children well. Difficult, challenging, exhausting–yes. But worth every ounce of your energy–and the occasional babysitter–for the result is an adult ready and able to soar. Let PAUSE be your number one tool as you work hard at being the calm, clear, connected parent your child deserves.

And now the times when obedience is absolute? Think safety issues, here, or perhaps when we are truly exhausted . I think you will find your children are more able to listen and cooperate. How cool is that?

Respectfully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Transitions. They Sure Can Be Tough!

June 16, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Turning Five. Finishing preschool. Moving to a new home. Saying goodbye to grandpa and grandma. Leaving for vacation. A new babysitter. A new sibling! Feeling better after an illness. Heading to a new school. New growth and stage…

What do these all have in common? Transition. And boy, can transitions cause real disruption for young children–sometimes just the daily transition out the door. I asked a friend whose little boy is turning five what she’d like me to address in my post, and she said, “big changes.”

She’s noticed, as her son finishes preschool and looks forward to his birthday how he has been having a tougher time of recent–you know, acting up a bit more, emotions a higher intensity, testing with more gusto, having a harder time making choices. I asked what it is she (mom) is doing that is helping the most as her son faces his big changes. And she said, “Listening.” YES. A PAUSE of sorts, this listening. Maybe it doesn’t lessen the tougher time, but it sure makes it more likely your child can move through it for they feel heard.

Big Changes. Growth. Transitions.

They require listening–with care, with compassion, with your eyes and ears open to just what is turning your child’s crank. They require stability, predictable routines and rhythm, a calm and consistent parent. They require knowing what to expect ahead of time, empathy, understanding, awareness. And the ability to let go and be flexible 🙂

What can you do to help your child through any transition?

Become even more consistent and predictable with the routines you can keep in place. These act as the stable foundation from which a child can better manage big change–any change.

You already know how bedtime has its predictable routine in place–brush teeth, potty, jammies on, 3 books, tuck you in, sing you a song, turn on your night light, give you 17 kisses and one for your nose, and good night 🙂

Or maybe it is your routine for getting out the door that actually works well. Family dinner may be in place with everyone knowing just what to expect–no digital devices at the table, conversation, sitting together.

Perhaps it is the goodbye you do as you separate from your child at daycare each day–you have a routine of hanging things up in their cubby together, choosing one thing to play, and then blowing kisses out the door.

As our kids face bigger changes, it is these routines and rhythms that start meaning even more. If you are facing a bigger change and your child is reacting, look to where you can increase predictability for them–it communicates ‘safe and secure’ to children and leaves them in a position to better manage the change.

Things you might find yourself saying include:

“When your new babysitter comes, you are going to have macaroni and cheese and then go walk the dog together, just like with your old sitter.”

“After your nap we will be piling in the car to head to the airport and get on the jet that will take us to Grandma!”

“At grandma’s you’ll sleep in a bed next to your brother. You can choose the special guys you want to take to snuggle in the bed with you.”

“You are sad about saying goodbye to all your preschool friends. We are planning on seeing them at the park next Tuesday, just like always!”

“Let’s go into your new classroom together and see the cubby it has to hang up your coat and put your backpack in. And when it is time for me to say goodbye, I will stop at the window to blow you kisses, just like I did at your old school!”

Things you might do:

***Make sure bed or nap time includes as much as the same routine they are used to no matter where you are. Maybe all you can keep the same is the special stuffed guy who sleeps with your child, or maybe it is that you can still read 3 books–no matter what it is you maintain, make an intentional effort to do something.

***Be even more intentional about honoring feelings–naming them, listening to your child, being close if necessary. Transitions can cause all kinds of upset that, once it is appreciated, can calm down.

***Reinstate routines as your child gets well from an illness (assuming the illness threw a number of your routines right out the window)–slowly bring back the bed/meal/daycare rhythm you had prior to the illness–this can make all the difference in life flowing once again, it can comfort a child as they move from feeling yucky to themselves again–“Whew, life hasn’t changed too much! It all feels regular again.”

***Stay calm and consistent with all your responses–even more so at times of disruption. The calmer you ride the wave of big change, the sooner your child can adjust–and just think of the role modeling you are doing! It communicates “Mom and Dad can handle it, no matter what.” It communicates just how change can best be met–giving them the framework for coping with future change in their lives.

***Offer up things your child can expect that might interest them–like the bookshelf daddy is going to build for their new bedroom or the great big laugh to listen for from Grandpa when he meets you at the airport. Putting your child’s attention to something that you know will peak her curiosity can help you ride through some of the other hard parts of a transition. And then follow through with what you’ve promised. “Okay! Let’s march off the plane and see who can hear Grandpa’s laugh!” “It’s hard to pack all your books in the boxes. You know the bookshelf you and daddy made? It is waiting for you in your new bedroom and once we are there, we can fill it with all of these books (and maybe use the boxes to build a fort 🙂 )!”

***Take care of YOU. Deposit into your Self-Care-Savings Account often. Discover what you can do, just for you, that only takes a short time. These deposits add up and help you with the patience, resilience, creativity necessary for helping your child move through Big Changes.

Just a few thoughts and ideas for you. I’m sure you have many examples you can share. The key? Being calm and consistent. Finding the predictable routine within the change that you can do. Emphasize it–no matter how small–for it is what young children need to face change that can rock their boat. Let them be able to count on you, on something in their day, on a choice they get no matter what. Now they’ve been given a gift of strength to help them carry on through any change.

And as my friend said, listen. Listen and watch and notice what is working for your little one to move through a transition well (which doesn’t always equate to ‘calmly’!). Notice what works to help them, notice what surprises you about their ability to move through the change. And especially notice, as life settles once again, just how your child has grown as a result.

Big change. Transitions. A part of the rest of our lives.

Make your child’s experience one they can grow from, one they can take into their future and be able to greet any change with the inner strength we all need to do it well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Making a Real Difference, Meltdowns and All

June 10, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A favorite story to share…

Four-year-old twins, a boy and girl. A busy store. Two parents and a list of things to get. Here’s what caught my attention:

The little boy getting a hold of an item and starting to take it out of its package–mom knelt gently in front of him, placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Son, in a store we keep things in their packages until we buy them. That’s the rule. Can you put it back, please?” And then, upon refusal of her son, she carefully took it from his hands and placed it back where it belonged. Her son began to fuss…

I so appreciated her respectful, gentle approach that I kept my eye on what was unfolding from there. Yes, I watch. I watch because I enjoy noticing what is working for parents and children, I enjoy actively appreciating a parent’s efforts–more on that later.

The next thing I noticed:

The family in line, putting items up on the counter for the cashier…the little girl was happily saying, “Daddy, can I help carry things?”

The little boy–already a bit out of sorts with having to stop dismantling packaged items 🙂 –was doing the four-year-old whine. “I want that! I want it n-o-wwww!” Still on the quiet side, but a definite whine, fuss, discontentment. Dad reached down and picked him up–creating just the connection his little boy needed–and held him as they continued with unloading the cart. The boy got a little louder with his “I want…give it baaacckkk…”

Dad looked at mom and said quietly, “What would you like me to do?” Mom said, “Head on out with him.” And out of the store dad and four-year-old went, Mr. Four now increasing in volume as he realized he was getting further from what he wanted.

Yes, I followed–the sunshine felt good as I was waiting for my husband back in the store. So I followed and watched this wonderful exchange from a distance. Dad calmly carried his now writhing son over to their car and paused by the door, talking quietly. He put his son down…and the boy promptly did jello legs and collapsed on the ground–yet still rather subdued with his whining. Dad picked him up and opened the car and tucked him in–calmly, patiently.

Enter mom. She appeared outdoors with her daughter–and here is my favorite part. I tapped her on the shoulder and said,

“I want you to know I’ve enjoyed watching your twins. I so appreciate how calm and patient you both are with your son–I know how tough it can be and I saw how much of a difference it made for your little boy.”

And she beamed.

We then spent the next few minutes sharing 4-year-old antics and their BIG feelings, how hard this stage is with her twins–she spoke of the challenges as well as the joy. We spoke of the importance of calm connection and consistent follow-through in order to help a child really learn. We spoke of the message their calm gives–that their children can count on them to keep it together even when they (the children) cannot. And this is why her son never really lost it–because they kept it together. Now he had the opportunity to really learn just a little bit more about managing himself–in a store, with dad, on his own. Truly awesome.

We parted with me sharing how this had put a smile on my face, with her sharing how encouraging it is to be actively appreciated.

And this is what I encourage each of you to do this week–actively appreciate another. Whether it is a parent with an acting out child, a parent getting real joy out of an exchange, a child who is working hard at being a great helper, a child who is struggling with a sibling or an activity. Take a moment to watch, to encourage, to say, “I noticed. Kudos to you!”

We all need encouragement and to be appreciated. And I bet you will discover and enjoy the smile it’ll put on your face and in your heart as you do so. What a way to go through our days.

What a way to grow connected, joyful, meaningful relationships.

What a way to live.

Another favorite story of the power of calm connection is right here for you: Pick Me Up Now!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Choice. It really can be confusing.

April 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We know we need to give our little ones a choice, that it can make things go more smoothly, that now they are more likely to do what needs to be done, for they feel more in charge of it all….and yet, sometimes all those choices end up muddling everything up.

“But I GAVE him a choice!”

“I don’t know what choice to give…”

“There IS no choice! It just has to happen!”

Choice. It really can be so confusing…

You know what? Sometimes it’s okay to not give a choice–maybe even necessary to skip what feels like a choice. Sometimes giving choices just makes matters worse–like those times we have a tired little guy on our hands and we try to offer up enticing choices to help head them in the direction we’d like, and instead we end up with a puddle of a child on the floor…or avoiding you with all the nimbleness (and loud-ness!) only a young child has.

Yes, choices are good, kids do need them–this is how they learn to be accountable, to figure out what they like, don’t like, can and can’t do, are or aren’t responsible for. And sometimes is okay to make the choice for them.

Yet really, choice is still inherent in those times.

Let’s explore this a bit…

Let’s say your toddler is tired. You know it–for you know your little guy well and can see all the signs–the way he stops being able to focus for long on any one thing, the rubbing of the eyes, the cranking up of activity and behavior. You know they are tired. THEY know nap is the last thing they want–I mean, really, who’d want to leave the fun of a party, the adventure of playing and exploring, the important people in your life to check out for a while and sleep?!

Of course, if you ask, “Are you ready for a nap?” their answer is an emphatic NO. If you give them a choice of, say, “Do you want me to pick you up or do you want to walk all by yourself?” their answer will be to turn and run in the opposite direction.

Maybe they are asking for more food, to play a bit more, to read this book and that book and go pet the kitty and run down the hall and again ask to eat. And sometimes we actually get fooled by this, thinking if we just let them have another bite to eat, play a bit longer, read one more book it will make the move to nap smoother. Maybe it does–again, knowing your child well and trusting yourself is key. However…

…more often than not we are just adding fuel to the fire…so…

…this is where you get to say,“I see you think you’d like more to eat/more time to play/read one more book. I think what you are really feeling is tired. It is time for nap. Let’s go get your diaper changed….” And you calmly and gently pick them up to head down the hall.

If they go willingly? Now you are talking softly to them about what they can expect. “We’ll get you all dry for your nap and read three books. I wonder if you’d like one about the scoop shovel, or the one about the duck?” NOW it is time for a real choice! They are ready and relieved because you’ve made the initial decision for them–that nap time it is.

If they arch their back, turn into jello legs, and resist LOUDLY to all suggestion of a nap? Here’s where you get to continue with what feels like a lack of choice,”I know, it is so much fun playing. I can tell how tired you are. We will change your diaper and snuggle with our books…” Guidance–calm, connected, respectful. Sometimes that is all that is needed.

Your calm as they express their discontent. Your affirmation of how they feel. Your gentle and firm guidance towards nap.

Now they can feel safe even as they feel upset. What a comfort that ultimately is for a child to have a parent okay with how upset they feel. This may be enough.

Sometimes they need more.

Again, you get to choose. “You really are having a tough time being ready to settle for diapers and books.” You know your child well–maybe walking over to their bedroom window and gazing outside for a bit, commenting without asking for any input on what you see will help them settle a bit. I know it often did for my girls.

Maybe pausing and looking at them arching their back in your arms and saying, “Why don’t we sit a bit on the rocking chair…maybe we could start with a book or sing a song before we change diapers…” Or maybe, after a moment of respecting those big feelings, you realize they really do need a drink of water or milk to ease them into nap mode.

Then perhaps, as they settle, a choice that works for them is offered. “Oh…you are ready for that diaper change. Do you want to take your special guy up to the changing table or shall we play our peek-a-boo game…remember how mommy likes to nibble your toes?!” You know best what it is that engages them the most and you’ve given them a bit of space and time to first get their upset out–key for respecting their mad without wavering from the nap-time needs.

This is where choice is inherent. As you make the choice for them, they still have the control over how THEY choose to feel about it. Their choice to get mad, sad, even over-the-top upset.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance helps them tremendously in managing their choice to be upset, in feeling heard and understood, in being helped towards discovering that certain things need to happen and you are there to help them through it as best as possible.

It communicates safety and security. It communicates respect.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance says, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot.”

What a way to grow a child from the inside-out–being respected, affirmed, heard, gently shown the way.

What a way to build a relationship based on trust–on being able to count on what you say, you mean and will do.

What a way for a child to still feel in control for you have taken the time to listen and affirm their choice of how to feel. Key for healthy relationships.

So today, trust your instincts as you look at your little one and know clearly that what they need the most is for you to gently guide them towards just what is most important right now. Allow for the feelings. Notice what works for you to be calm and gentle, yet firm. Let calm connection always lead the way.

Choice. It is key and it looks many different ways. Here’s to your confidence in the choices you make today!

You can find more about choices right here: Choices Choices Choices–Help!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Self Regulation, Toddler Style

April 9, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Self-regulation (nearly) two-year-old style:

…”No no NO!” with a wiggle and a squirm when picked up without being asked.

...SQUIRM, toss and turn, kick, squeal and two adults all for a diaper change…until,”When your diaper is on it will be time to go join Papa and play….” Body FREEZES. Still as a statue. Diaper on and a big, huge smile with a “Ready to GO!” expression…

…Emphatic head shaking back and forth when asked, “Can I give you a hug to say good-bye?” Followed by from the adult, “Okay…how about a kiss?” MORE emphatic head shaking…and a palm up to say “STOP.”

…Joyful head NODDING and arms outreached when asked, “Can I give you a hug…?” Ahhhh…only a toddler can send our hearts on that roller coaster as we so want a snuggle yet respect just what they feel ready to give…

…Knees a-bouncing, finger a-pointing, a look of total eagerness...”I want to go THAT way! Take me with you…” And off we go with pauses to ask, “Now which way?” And only the toddler knows just where we will end…

…Sleepy, eye rubbing, yawning…“Would you like to sing Puff the Magic Dragon or Rise and Shine for nap time?” No no no, those are ALICE’s songs. YOU sing You Are My Sunshine!

…Willingness and awareness that any food being enjoyed is enjoyed while standing still or sitting down. “Here’s your water…let’s sit down to drink…” and down he plunks.

…Eagerness to take off to explore the next really cool thing but PAUSES to open his mouth when asked, “Are you still chewing on your bagel?” “Ohhhh…I see food in your mouth, still. When your mouth is empty, we can take off to explore!” And his body stills, chewing and swallowing, and a wide-open mouth to say, “LOOK! I’m all done!” And off we go…

I had the incredible pleasure and privilege to watch a 22-month-old manage himself during a weekend wedding event that involved many new faces and places and an interrupted rhythm to his usual patterns. This little guy? He has been parented so respectfully, been listened to, gently guided, his choices respected, his feelings affirmed–and as a result, he flowed through this chaotic and FUN weekend directing himself in all that he did.

He knew when and with whom he wanted to eat, explore, move away from the crowd to take a break.

He communicated clearly with adults who listened and respected him.

His sleep time routines were diligently stuck to even if the timing was later than usual.

He made his needs clear without ever falling apart. His needs were addressed before he needed to fall apart. And when what HE wanted just wasn’t going to happen, he was respectfully affirmed, gently handled, and always spoken to with a quiet voice.

And he listened.

I do believe there were adults blown away by his ability to manage himself. To regulate his needs. To communicate so well through sign language and emerging words. There were adults surprised that he had a “mind of his own” and was CLEAR when they crossed those boundaries (like sweeping him up from behind with nary a heads up or awareness of just what HE was focused on and doing). And I’m betting there were some folks who realized just what the possibilities are when a child is parented respectfully from day one.

Very cool. So today, PAUSE. Take a moment and observe your little one. Notice what they are focused on, what they are feeling, what they are trying to say. Let a PAUSE and an affirmation lead the way. Connect first, then as needed be gently firm or joyfully eager. Let your child direct themselves as much as possible…including feeling MAD if they really don’t like what needs to happen. Slow down, observe, talk about what you see, what you are trying to understand about them…

Respectful parenting leads

with calm connection.

Exercise your pause muscle today–it will deposit into your relationships in exponential ways. Really.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

YES, my MAD button gets pushed…

February 22, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Know what I do when my MAD button is pushed?

You know, the times I’m RIGHT and my child needs to behave accordingly? I get louder. And LOUDER…more insistent. Heated up. I yell–or at least “raise my voice.” I often get into that “controlled” (?!) angry place. Because they have to listen, right? AND behave. Of course, that rarely works. Or if it does work it is at the cost of our relationship–it becomes relationship depleting rather than relationship building.

You know what I often do when my ANXIOUS button gets pushed?

I check out. You know, when something comes up with your kids that just makes you over the top anxious or worried or really, really uncomfortable? I hide. I check out. I disappear into the bathroom or head outside in the hopes it will all fix itself and go away.

It feels like a PAUSE, but really, it is a “scream”–for instead of taking care of my anxiety and letting my calm confidence and connection lead the way, I very loudly in a very quiet way say, “I cannot handle how uncomfortable this is making me feel, so you cannot count on me to walk alongside you and your troubles and help you discover what you can do…” I disappear and feel incredibly relieved when it (seemingly) resolves itself. At least temporarily resolves itself. Funny how the situation always rears its head once again and in a bigger way the next time around.

This checking out? It really doesn’t communicate our confidence in our children (or ourselves). It really doesn’t help our kids figure out a bit more how to really manage their feelings or behavior. It really doesn’t do anything but temporarily ease anxiety and deplete the relationship a little bit more.

And require it all to happen again and often in a bigger way because we really didn’t learn anything the first time around.

Basically it is pushing my PAUSE button without

pushing PLAY once again.

This PAUSE I continually encourage in you (and me)? It requires stepping back into the challenge or conflict or uncomfortable situation–but this time with calm connection focused on and leading the way so you can respond instead of react.

And yes, sometimes your “stepping back in” IS waiting to see what unfolds–and instead of checking out you are now tuning in, listening, paying attention–instead of tuning out. You are being a responsive and connected parent even if you stay quiet. Your kids can tell. YOU can tell the difference between checking out because of anxiety or pausing to stay focused and listening. Very different experiences.

THIS is what PAUSE is all about–it now becomes

relationship building.

It helps us to get a bit better at managing OUR feelings (anxiety!), and let’s us role-model for our children just what it is like to be a mature adult. Or at least acting as such 🙂 . It communicates, “I can handle how you feel and how you behave. We will be okay.” What a powerful message of security to a child that the most mature one CAN handle the least mature’s behavior! With this feeling of security, a child can more likely handle themselves a bit better and challenging situations can spiral up a bit less.

This kind of PAUSE communicates, “You can count on me to

keep it together no matter what you do.”

What a way to build trust–to give a child the space to bounce around in all their BIG feelings knowing, without a doubt, that you will hold that space for them. What a way to (eventually) become the resource your future teen will turn to when the going gets tough because they CAN count on you and trust you.

So if you are like me and find you check out and tune out in the hopes that everything will work itself out, PAUSE right now and consider just what works best for you to calm your own anxiety and push your play button once again.

For me, it is first allowing myself to check out. Then I pause and breathe–deeply–in and out. What a physical calming that creates! Then I think about how I really want this uncomfortable situation to “look”–what I want my kids to learn, what I hope they walk away from it understanding, how I want to feel as a result.

I take a moment to find a memory–however old–of when I DID feel that calm confidence and connection despite anxiety–or maybe just felt the calm confidence and connection, period.

Then on goes my “calm confidence” hat–often acting as if initially, and step back into the uncomfortable situation with the gentle confidence I know I CAN feel and the calm connection my children need the most from me. From there,I trust. I trust what I say, I trust that my kids are doing and experiencing just what they need to in order to learn and grow the most.

I listen better (not perfectly, but better). I try to stop myself from solving what I see as the problem. I let go of solutions and look instead to the next step. I bite my tongue and try not to interrupt as they pour out their feelings and ideas and upset. That can be incredibly difficult…

I definitely make sure I’m in no hurry–I have learned that no matter the time crunch involved, things are far more successful if I just plunk myself down in the midst of the upset and wait it out by joining in alongside. Calmly. With that gentle confidence and calm connection hat in place. I stay present.

And again, I trust. I trust that nothing can take away the fact I AM their parent–the calm guide I intend to be. I trust in that space PAUSE gave me and is giving them. I use a lot of encouraging self-talk to keep myself in this space. A lot.

And it works. It gets “easier” each time I succeed. It can for you, too. You, too, can use PAUSE to step back, get calm and clear, and then re-connect and respond. You can tip the balance from checking out to tuning in. You can–I know, because I am doing it, too.

I wanted to share so you know the work you are doing I am doing as well. This is what our parenting journeys are all about–growing ourselves as we parent our children with the calm confidence and connection they need the most. There is no end to this growth–we just get to keep getting better and stronger and tipping the balance towards more and more relationship-building experiences. For that is what it is all about. Relationships.

Let’s start today focusing on PAUSE and the calm connection that can follow as we step back into the play of things.

Thinking of each of you…
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Power of Respect

February 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What does stopping tickling when your child says stop, knocking on your child’s bedroom door and wait for a “come in!”, and asking first if they want a hug have to do with growing a future respectful teen?

Plenty. Think about this. You want your (future) teen to:

…have a strong sense of self.

…be able to say no to negative peer pressure or unwanted sexual activity.

…have a clear idea of what feels right and good to him or her and be that self-directed, responsible soul you wish for.

…show respect, both for themselves and for others (including you!)

And you know what? You CAN have a teen who is strong from the inside out, able to know themselves well and say NO as necessary. You CAN have a teen who shows you, themselves, and others respect.

Here’s how…

Begin right now to model for your little ones just the

kind of respect that grows a future teen able to do all of this.Model how he or she deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies, respecting their space; both emotional and physical.

What does this look like with younger children? A few ideas:

~ Stop tickling when they say no or stop or don’t. Just STOP. No negotiating. No “Are you sure???” No “Okay!” followed by “Just one more tickle and I’ll stop! I promise!”

~ Knock first on their bedroom and bathroom door and ask to come in. Wait for their answer. And if you need to go in? Knock, ask, pause, and then let them know, “I need to come in now…” and pause again to let them respond before you slowly open the door and head on in.

~ Ask first if they are ready for a hug, and wait for their answer. If it’s a NO, respect it. If it’s a YES, enjoy it!

~ Ask first if they are ready to have their face washed, their shampoo rinsed, their diaper changed, and wait for them to respond. For they will. And if their response is that they aren’t ready—then perhaps you can wait a bit more saying, “I can tell you aren’t quite ready. We’ll do one more book…splash in the suds for 2 more minutes…and then it’ll be time for me to help you…” And you do—both wait and follow-through.

~ Calm your anxiety over their messy room–give them that space to call their own and be responsible for it. What a way for your child to learn how to manage a space, to discover just what they do like and can tolerate. Key, you know, for future dorm rooms and shared apartments…

And yes, that means letting go of the mess that accumulates other than the once a month obligatory deep clean :-). Or something to that effect…because instead of a deep clean, maybe it is just a weekly collection of dirty dishes. Or clothes. Or maybe it is, “Having your buddy over to spend the night sounds wonderful! Let’s see what we can sort through in your room so you can find space for sleeping bags…”

~ Let them struggle--affirm the difficulty, the feelings; ask them what they think they can do. Describe what you see as they work at a stubborn puzzle piece. Let them know you are there and when they are ready, you are happy to help…and then step back. Hard at times, for we are so wired to “fix a problem” rather than see it as the growth opportunity it really is…

~ Give them options other than kissing or hugging Aunt Martha, Grandpa, the old friends coming to visit. Let them know they get to decide how to greet or say goodbye in a way that is comfortable to them. And that includes no greet or goodbye.

Respecting their feelings gives them the chance to figure out what feels right and good to them.

And of course, once Aunt Martha, Grandpa, or the old friends are gone, you can have conversations about how greeting and good-bye-ing are ways we show we care. You can have conversations about just how THEY want to show this care.

~ Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and then accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way…instead accept, then share what you think. And now their ideas are valued. Some pretty amazing conversations can emerge as a result!

Respect. Model it from day one–and you will more likely grow a teen with a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate pressures in healthy ways AND you will have a little one who better manages their selves—and parenting can get a bit easier…

Truly all around relationship building.

With JOY and appreciation.,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Cup of Kindness

December 30, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Here’s to a cup of kindness each and every night. May your New Year be filled with kindness; let it lead the way in all that you do.

Just think, what a fabulous way to role model for our children just what we want more of.

A cup of kindness known as:

~ Self-care! Be kind to yourself by focusing first on YOU so you can parent well…patiently…with a sense of humor…Really. Taking care of YOU is essential for…well…EVERY thing.

~ Calm connection! Especially with your child and ESPECIALLY when they are anything but calm…(A rather large mug-full of self-care kindness required at these times )

~ BIG-GIANT feelings of our kids’ greeted with open arms and the message that “your feelings matter…you can count on me to keep it together no matter how BIG your feelings are!” What a feeling of safety for our kids as they work through the tumultuous-ness of all things upsetting.

~ Pausing! Then asking our child, “What do you suppose would be the kind thing to do right now?” And relishing your child’s ideas…

~ Calm and consistent follow through with the choice your child makes–whether it is for a positive thing or something less than peaceful as you move forward with your promise of no family game until homework is done. Calm and consistent follow through demonstrates guidance that is kind AND respectful. Just what our children can learn well from.

~ Letting go! Perhaps of OUR agenda…or solution…or desire to have it all feel easy and calm and smooth, or that seemingly essential errand, or going ahead with that essential errand and being okay with your child reaching their limit of patience. Another BIG mug full of kindness known as self-care required for this one…

~ SHOWING our children what care and compassion can do for another…showing and letting go of their participation. Our role-modeling–no matter what they decide to do–is one of the greatest ways to influence our kids in positive and powerful ways.

~ Presence! Intentionally choosing to be fully present to whomever you are with–whether it is engaging in conversation and play, or quietly watching your child as they immerse themselves in a game, or sitting through the alligator tears of hurt feelings. What a simple way to show kindness to another–our full, un-distracted presence. And that includes our presence to our SELVES…

A few ways to have a cup of kindness–go share one with

your child (or yourself) today and know that it will ripple out in lovely ways to all over time. What we focus on grows…

Happy 2019!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Rocky Relationships…

December 27, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you.

A national park. Steep cliffs. Overlooks accessible to anyone, with signs indicating extreme care to be taken because of the drop-offs.

A mom and a six-year-old. Let’s call her Susannah. Mom and daughter cruising around on the rocks, mom taking photos, as were all who were absorbing the incredible beauty.

Susannah, being six and curious and unable to keep her dancing feet still, bounced all over the rocky overlook. Very near the steep drop-offs. VERY near. Mom, still taking photos, calling over her shoulder, “Susannah come here. Susannah, not so close! Susannah, I want you next to me. Come here right now. Susannah, one, two, three…listen to me!”

Susannah? “I’m just stopping right here, mom! I want to go over there. Mom! Can you see me? Mom! Look at me!!”

Mom, still taking photos and calling over her shoulder for her daughter to stay closer to her–all to no avail and all to increasing concern to those others also enjoying the over look. Mom’s anxiety increased, her frustrations communicated, her anger felt…and her words continue to fly over her shoulder with no follow-through other than more words. Her daughter totally and completely ignored her words and kept vying for her attention.

(Yes, ultimately all ended well, with the child safe and sound).

Fast forward 20-minutes and to another beautiful overlook with steep cliffs and drop-offs. A father with a three-year-old sitting together out on one of the outcrops–not entirely near the edge, but still rather edgy . As he said, his wife didn’t like where they were sitting…(dads just seem to do it differently…)

Father: “See out over there? All those canyons? Water carved them. Lots and lots of water whooshed through all this rock a really long time ago and left it carved just like this.”

Three-year-old: “Daddy, I can see the WHOLE world from here!”

Daddy had his three-year-old sitting on his lap with his arms snug around her when I approached and offered to take a photo of them together, with the backdrop the intensely beautiful and deep canyons all around. He accepted, and then the two moved off their rock and offered to do the same for my husband and me.

But first, here is what he said to his preschooler:

“Honey, I need you to go up to those rocks there and sit still while I take a photo.” He watched calmly as his little one headed right over to the safe rocks to sit. “Can you look with just your eyes for a little brown lizard who might come visit while you sit still?” Eyes got BIG and his three-year-old froze on the rocks, with just her eyes moving…

A photo of my husband and me was taken, a little girl sat tight in a safe place, and daddy and she, following his thank you to her for listening and being safe, skipped hand-in-hand up the trail to their parked car.

A story of contrast.

The mom in my first story was truly letting her anxiety over wanting desperately to control Susannah without having to actually control Susannah become a very serious safety issue. Because of mom’s anxiety–as seen both by her “checking out” as she continued to focus on her camera rather than following through with her words and going to her daughter to hold her hand and keep her close–Susannah really didn’t know where she stood in the scheme of things. Mom was saying one thing and doing something entirely different.

Susannah was trying hard to get mom to

connect with her and mom was trying hard to have Susannah mind without having to do the work it requires. Ultimately, there was a complete DIS-connect.

I get this–the desire to have our children under control without doing the hard work of actually controlling them. It’s hard, this guiding them in a gently firm way to help them learn that in some places hands just need to be held, and bodies aren’t allowed to go just anywhere. I get how hard it is. It requires a commitment from us that oftentimes can be exhausting. Interruptive, even, as we try to do things that perhaps WE want to do.

I also know I was seeing a relationship that probably was rocky without the current rocks they were on.

I heard the nag factor. I heard the bribing. I heard the anxiety and fear and frustration and anger. I heard the desire for connection and attention and I saw the testing that emerged as a result of a lack of connection and attention.

And I saw how, when we try so hard to make our kids NOT do something, we actually increase the likelihood they will do it. Hence a 6-year-old dancing near the edge of a VERY steep drop-off.

Dad in the second story demonstrated exactly the

kind of relating that has a child listening, exhibiting self-control, learning–all because dad was calm, clear, and gently firm.

He knew clearly the extent he could trust his little one. He focused on calm connection. He LIVED calm connection. He spoke with quiet confidence with his daughter; he asked of her just what he knew he could expect from her. AND he kept a close and watchful eye.

His daughter? She could trust him. She could count on what he said he meant and would do. She heard his confidence in HER that he had and she wanted very much to be that capable little one he knew she could be. He never told her what NOT to do and instead told her exactly what she COULD do. And she did.

What a tribute to the

power of calm connection,

of being clear and confident

in what you do.

Or at least working towards clarity and confidence! And what a way to have me wanting even more to support, encourage, and empower each of you so you can experience more confidence, connection, cooperation and JOY in your parenting journey.

What a difference. I keep thinking about this and about how I hope Susannah’s mom finds the support and encouragement she needs in order to calm her anxiety down and feel more confident as a parent before a real crisis occurs. If I could have, I would have stepped in and offered something–perhaps my appreciation for how she was feeling, my understanding of how scary it is to see your child so near to danger. It wasn’t the time or place. And the Ranger was there, Susannah ultimately was safe.

And yet, I continue to think about this mom and her daughter, mom feeling what could only be a growing discontent in how her relationship with her daughter was unfolding.

Today, I encourage you to work hard at pausing. At acting-as-if you are calm and confident if you don’t actually feel it yet.

Recall times you have felt this way for what we focus on grows. Put your attention to letting calm connection lead the way–it is powerful. So much real learning and relationship-building things can unfold as a result! Work at it just a little bit harder today, right now, or maybe tonight when you have the support of your spouse or partner or the comfort of being home rather than out in public. Do what YOU can to slow down enough to PAUSE, settle a bit, and then respond to your button-pushing child.

No matter when you practice leading with calm connection,

know what a relationship-building difference it can make.

And know that, as you practice a PAUSE and pay attention to the calm you CAN feel, it will get easier bit by bit. What a gift to you, your child, to ALL of your relationships.

Thinking of all of you today as you strive to parent well!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

All Eyes Upon You

December 1, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Back-arching, jello legs, hitting, yelling, kicking, sobbing, throwing. A true melt-down or tantrum in progress, not very pretty nor fun and all while:

...in the middle of the cereal aisle in the grocery store–maybe with various items launching themselves out of the cart like one parent mentioned of recent regarding a jar of orange juice…and another, a jar of salsa…

...visiting your in-laws…you know, the ones who often leave you feeling less than adequate as a parent…

…exploring the museum that you finally got your courage up enough to take your child to because you REALLY wanted to show them the cool child-centered, hands-on exhibits that all your friends say are a must to see…

…at the restaurant squeezed into a tiny booth surrounded by dozens of other people enjoying their meals…enough said.

...all places public—you name it!

All eyes upon you. Embarrassment. Anxiety. Maybe even anger–the kind that leaves your hand twitching, as one dad recently said. It feels like judging eyes, critical eyes, eyes that are saying, “Control your child!” “What a brat, can’t you make her behave?” “At least MY kids are minding.”

You can FEEL the negativity emanating from all the adults watching as you desperately try to “get our child to behave” (meaning, to stop melting down…).

You’ve been there in some fashion or another–I know, because I have, too. It is a common theme for parents.

Just think, what could be different if, in those moments, all the eyes upon you were sending you support, understanding, and encouragement?

What if instead of feeling all that negative energy we actually feel accepting, affirming, uplifting energy? What if all eyes upon us were really communicating, “Oh yes, it is TOUGH when our kids lose it in public!” “I can see how mad she is that you had to say no to what she wanted.” “He really is done with sitting still!” “My little one had her tantrum right in the middle of my friend’s wedding!” “When your husband was a little guy, he did EXACTLY the same thing. I remember feeling really frustrated about it!”

What could be different?

I believe you’d be able to feel calmer, more patient, and maybe even be able to allow your child the space (maybe away from the broken orange juice and salsa jars or the popular museum exhibit) to continue melting down until they felt calmer once again.

I believe you’d feel the kind of support and encouragement that has you feeling bolstered, empowered, part of a team–even with strangers, or maybe especially with strangers. A team that can truly move through this big upset with grace. Confidence (yours) could lead the way–confidence that “This, too, shall pass”, that “My child is learning a bit more about his feelings and how to manage them and I know I can help him”, that “I CAN move through this positively…”

I believe things could be very, very different. Today look upon another parent’s potentially embarrassing, anxiety producing moment and send them thoughts of compassion, understanding, encouragement. Intentionally think thoughts of “I get it! I know you can make it through this.” “Your little one is having a tough time and I understand.” “Hmmm, I wonder what I could do or say that could help this parent the most?”

And then, if inspired to do so, step into the fray and let this over the top stressed parent KNOW you understand, appreciate the BIG feelings–theirs and their child’s. Offer a helping hand with a quiet cheerfulness. Or maybe just meet their eyes and give them an encouraging smile–one that says, “I’m comfortable in your child’s melt down, it is okay.” Whew. What a relief that can be, to have another let you know they are comfortable in the big discomfort you are in the midst of.

Just think, what could be different today, right now, if all the eyes upon you were encouraging, understanding, appreciating? What could be different if you felt the comfort of support that says, “It will be okay”?

What a way to take care of each other; to grow compassion all around. What a way to take care of ourselves, as we intentionally focus on being supported, appreciated, encouraged. We all deserve this kindness and compassion—it allows us to be our better selves. Truly the self-care we need the most.

What a gift to our children, others, and ourselves.

Respectfully and appreciatively,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

OH Those Testy Toddlers!

November 5, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

So your toddler is an agreeable little soul.

Happily reaches for your hand as they toddle off to get their diaper changed. Willingly offers you their cup or plate when they are all done. Bounces with the utmost JOY when daddy or you come home. Reaches their arms to their trusted care-giver and waves “bye-bye” to you. Loves the family dog with snuggles and smiles and gentle pats.

And then it all seemingly goes amok.

That agreeable little soul? Now they arch their backs and scream at the changing table–it has become the wrestling match to rival all wrestling matches. That cup and plate? Thrown. Tossed onto the floor. Gleefully run away with to just the very place food and drink are not allowed. That delightful bounce and joy when papa or mama come home? Now it is defined by screaming and reaching ever-so-hard towards whomever is NOT holding them. Those simply heart-warming good byes (and hellos!) at daycare? Now you drag yourself away feeling oh-so-guilty for leaving because your toddler is left sobbing in their care-givers arms…and the family dog…poor pooch…ears pulled, tail twisted, back jumped on…those gentle pats? L-o-n-g gone.

Respectful parenting. It can be simple when things go agreeably. Cooperatively. Peacefully. And it can leave a parent over-whelmed and at a loss when things turn tumultuous. And they will. Regularly–because these tumultuous times? They mean NEW GROWTH. And with any new growth, things get out-of-sorts. For our toddler AND for us.

So how does respectful parenting look at these times? Hard to imagine?Here’s what I think. I think it is gentle. Firm. Clear. Consistent. Calm. A few eye-twinkles always :-). A “basic” recipe to follow goes something like this:

*** PAUSE. Take a breath. Find that bit of calm inside of you.

*** Describe what you see and/or heard.

*** Affirm and name feelings.

*** Give clear expectations…or framework for what needs to happen.

*** Give choice(s).

*** Follow through calmly and consistently with the choice made.

A few ideas for you:

“Your diaper needs to be changed. After two more books we are going to head to the changing table.” Clear framework and consistent follow-through–essential.

“It really makes you mad to have to stop and change diapers. I understand. I can wait a moment while you settle down…” Name and affirm feelings–always.

“It’s time to change your diaper. Would you like to hold the wash cloth or (the special toy saved only for diaper changes…)?” CHOICE–an absolute. Even if the choice becomes NEITHER and upset gets even BIGGER, you can move through the diaper change (or diaper wrestle?!) continuing to be that calm person your child needs in order to actually feel safe expressing all his big feelings…and then you get to say, “All done! You really didn’t like it and now you are all dry…”

OR you can try a PAUSE by saying, “You are really upset about changing right now. Let’s take a moment together and look out the window so you can calm down a bit…maybe we’ll see the dog dig-dig-digging next door!” Naming feelings, slowing down a bit and staying connected with a bit of an eye-twinkle…

“I can see you are all done with your cup. I’ll put it up on the counter and down you can get.” OR:

“Uh oh. The cup landed on the floor. Up it goes to the sink, and down you go.” Describing what you see matter-of-factly keeps your child’s attention on just what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. In essence, you are role modeling exactly what you want more of.

“Cups are for holding and drinking–when you are done we put it up on the counter. Let’s go find the balls you CAN throw…” “You are excited to run-run-run! The food stays in the kitchen. Here, let me help you take it to the counter and then we can run-run-run together.” Naming feelings, giving clear expectations, and respecting the energy needing to be expressed and showing them just how to do so—what a way to keep their attention on what IS okay to do…on what cups ARE for…on real learning.

“You really want me to hold you right now (as your toddler screams for you to hold him). My arms are full of the grocery bags. Daddy just got home and is excited to see you–his arms are full with YOU! Can you help him put his car keys in the dish?” Describing, affirming, offering up a choice…and keeping a bit of eye-twinkle at the forefront 🙂 .

“Hmmm…you really are upset. Let me go put the groceries down and then my arms will be ready to hold you.” Affirming feelings and being clear on what to expect--what a way to help a toddler better manage themselves when they know what to expect AND you follow through with just that. Trust is built this way.

“You aren’t ready to say hello to mommy and give her a hug. I can hold you a while longer. While we wait until you are ready, would you like to go with me and show mommy where your special guy is hiding?” As you describe what is happening, you are enriching your toddler with meaningful-to-them language and helping them learn to a bit more how to manage themselves.

“Ouch! It hurts our dog when you pull his ears. We use gentle hands to pet him–like this, see? Ohhhh…I can see you aren’t ready to be gentle. I’m going to take Dog to the other room so he can feel safe…” Feelings! Whether your child’s or the dogs 🙂 And respecting your toddler’s choice to NOT be gentle by keeping Dog safe, too…

“You and I will head downstairs and you can try gentle hands a bit later…” Matter-of-fact result of hard-to-be-gentle hands….respectful as you lead with calm connection.

Here’s the deal–when things get LOUD, uncomfortable, button-pushing, then really it is more about pausing, calming ourselves, and then continuing to step alongside our toddler with the calm, clear, consistent connection they need the most in order to manage the new growth that leaves them feeling so topsy-turvey.

Just think how incredibly comforting it is to know they can count on YOU to keep it together even when they cannot. Just think how safe and secure that feels for a young child (any child!) when in the midst of the turmoil new growth, new experiences, any upset in their lives can cause–they can count on you to be there, helping them do the hard work of growing. Respectfully.

Know without a doubt that your calm, consistent, connected approach will, in time, settle everything down once again. And now? Respect yourself and your inner turmoil and the hard work you’ve just done and are continuing to be presented with by depositing into YOUR self-care account! You matter.

Here’s to you and your toddler!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Squeals of delight!

October 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time!

A Mama and a five-month-old baby. Floor time for the chubby little guy. Fussiness begins. Mama says, “You need something. I wonder if you’d like to play airplane?” Followed by her signing airplane, flying her hand slowly across his field of vision.

Squeals of delight! Body wiggles and smiles spread. Mama picks up her son, saying, “You want to play airplane!” Down on the floor Mama goes, baby on her legs, flying gently back and forth while singing a lovely airplane song. More smiles and squeals of delight. Mama obviously got this request just right!

Fast forward and hour or so. Baby on floor again, beginning to fuss. Mama says, “I hear you. You need something. Would you like to play airplane again?” Her hands signing airplane, flying gently across her son’s field of vision.

Silence. Baby turns his head aside and stops his wiggling.

“Ahhh…”, Mama said, “You don’t want to play airplane. That isn’t what you want.” Baby turns again to look at her, fussing louder. “Let’s pick you up and see what you might need.” Up went Baby and LUNGE his little hands went toward her chest–“You are ready to eat! Let’s get settled on the couch…”

And off they went to nurse.

What a simply wonderful, respectful, relationship building round of interactions. What is communicated to her baby as she listens, asks questions, and respects just what it is he is asking for? I believe:

“I trust you to know just what you need.

I have confidence in your ability to manage yourself. I respect how you feel and what you need. You can trust me to

listen and understand. You can trust me

to answer your needs.”

What a way to begin building the foundation of inner direction, self-awareness, of a child who understands what THEY like, don’t like, can do, cannot do, are responsible for, are not responsible for, how they feel…what a way to begin building a mutually respectful, positive, deeply connected relationship. What a way to grow Baby’s language comprehension, future language skills, and all other brain healthy things. What a way to begin growing a capable, competent child. What a way to grow, period.

Mama could’ve ignored her baby’s desire to NOT play airplane the second time around. She could have just picked him up anyway and begun playing what she knew to be a favorite game. Maybe he’d have settled into it for a short while, but more likely he would have gotten louder in his upset.

What might have she communicated by ignoring his signal for NOT playing airplane? I believe:

“You really don’t mean what you just told me. I know better than you what you meant.” Not a recipe for growing an inner-directed soul who knows just what they want…need…feel. Not a recipe for growing someone able to trust themselves.

“You really don’t feel this way, I know better than you how you feel.” Do we really want to grow future adults who need to look to others to know how they feel? And YES, sometimes we do “know better” how they feel–so naming that feeling and using our words to talk about what we will do is key: “I think you really need to sleep. Let’s try settling to a nap…”

“I don’t trust what you are trying to tell me.” And oh how we WANT them to grow their ability to trust themselves–and us!

“You can’t count on me to respect how you feel.” Respect. Key for healthy relationships and it begins in infancy.

No, instead Mama listened, watched, trusted her baby. She asked him questions and respected his response. Yes, five-month-old babies can tell us plenty–if we watch with care, talk about what we see, respect how they feel. They can tell us so many important things about themselves–and all the while learning so much about themselves, about us, about relationships, about…well…everything.

Even when we have to do something different from what Baby is asking for, we can do it with respect, care, questions, language that helps them understand a bit more.

We can do it gently, affirming out loud what they’d really like and why they may have to wait. We can build their trust in us by following through gently with just what we said needed to happen, “You really want to see Papa RIGHT AWAY. Your diaper is dirty and we need to change it first. Then you can go see Papa!” “You are ready to nurse. I need to use the bathroom first, and then we can settle on the couch together.” “I know you don’t want to get buckled in safely in your car-seat. We are headed out in the car and it is time. Let’s sing a song…”

It was with immense appreciation and joy that I witnessed this lovely, simple exchange between a Mama and Baby. It is in its simplicity that it speaks so loudly for the kind of relationships necessary in order to grow and live well.

Today, listen first. Ask questions. Respect choices. Be calm and consistent with your follow-through. Name and affirm feelings–always! And know, by doing so–no matter what age child you have–you’ve just created a relationship building experience.

How cool is that?
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Take. Your. Time.

October 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Take Your Time.

There’s a young Mama in my life of whom I admire greatly. She has the wonderful ability to Take Her Time through much of whatever her toddler and preschooler throw at her. She incorporates PAUSE in such a way that her little ones feel heard, understood, supported, and able to better manage themselves in all they do. Something you each know I speak of often…and yet walking the talk is even difficult for me at times.

I’ve learned much from her. I know she’s learned from me, and yet…this Take Your Time? Watching how she does this no matter the emotions or circumstance has truly empowered me to further grow this in myself. To relax a bit, no matter the situation, and Take My Time through it. No rush. The less the rush, the more it feels right. Good. Healing. Relationship-building, ultimately.

It is HARD, as you all know, in the loud, upsetting, maybe even tantruming moments. It is HARD knowing that it takes so much repetition for little ones to learn–why oh why can’t they figure it out the FIRST time that wrecking their sibling’s work isn’t okay, that hitting and biting hurts, that throwing their food on the floor and watching the dog lap it all up just isn’t going to fly after the first round of laughter from all of us?

We all want our words to work the FIRST time. We all want to make these big and uncomfortable feelings go away, settle down. We all want the HARD to become easy. Now. Not months from now, but immediately. I think this is accentuated by our culture of instant gratification–from ordering on Amazon Prime to Googling answers right away to instant or fast foods, to immediate results for many things and everything becoming just so much faster. That’s a whole other post to write–because I believe it is undermining our lives in truly unhealthy ways. Making it hard to Take Our Time. And it is in Taking Our Time that the most meaningful things come.

Back to the immediate parenting deal and that upsetting BIG feelings situation…

Here’s the deal. It truly does take strengthening our PAUSE muscle. Because as we strengthen this within ourselves–to create a bit of space to calm ourselves and recognize whatever the situation is–the more we can respond from a calm, connected place, the more that is learned. And really, it all comes down to Taking Your Time.

Maybe this looks like your understanding it will take repetition–calm, consistent, clear responses over and over again–in order for you little one to learn and grow. And so you settle in for the long haul. Get clear about what you want, be consistent and calm with how you show them.

Maybe this looks like taking a deep breath as things totally disintegrate and LET them disintegrate. With your company. LET the loud, big upset be loud and big. Work more at calming yourself or arranging your facial expressions to reflect how you’d LIKE to be feeling (!!). And be in it all. Take Your Time.

Because as you do so, you are communicating to your child important messages, such as:

You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave or feel. What a way to help a child feel safe and secure in the midst of BIG feelings.

I have confidence in your ability to manage your feelings. You can count on my company and support to help you along. Just imagine knowing the important person in your life has confidence in YOU.

How YOU feel is okay and all WILL be okay. Wow–to hear (over and over again) that feeling mad or sad or happy or frustrated is OKAY. Just think how that can ripple out into adulthood! Someone who allows themselves to feel fully whatever they need to feel AND know that they will be okay. What a game-changer that could be for all of us.

How you feel is important. Valued. Respected. Imagine having that communicated to you as you rant over what a co-worker or boss or parenting partner did. That your rant is heard, Is important. Is valued and respected. For our children, that is the precursor to calming themselves. To being compassionate towards another. To eventually cooperating and collaborating and sharing and all those wonderful skills and qualities we want to see in our kids.

You don’t need me to decide for you how to feel. This is so key–it is never our responsibility to make another feel a certain way. Yes, we have great influence, and it is ultimately up to each one of us to be responsible for how we decide to feel. And this is empowering. Think about how that ripples out to teen years–as our children learn to understand, accept, and manage their own feelings, they are less likely as teens look to another to tell them what they should do and feel. Pretty important for growing in healthy ways. For relating in healthy ways.

What does Take Your Time actually LOOK like?

With little guys it is about describing what you see, first and foremost. “You are mad…your brother wrecked your puzzle…you both wanted that toy…it’s frustrating when that doesn’t work for you…you bumped your head and it hurt…” Just the act of describing, first and foremost, creates a PAUSE and allows you to Take Your Time. And it helps your child understand and process it all, too. It often gives you insight into just what your child is actually thinking and feeling. Sometimes this can be surprising!

With your older child or teen it may be about saying, “I hear you. I’m feeling pretty upset myself, right now. Let me take a bit to think about this. I will get back to you.” And then you do–both Take Your Time to think, and then get back to them. This creates that PAUSE that slows it all down and allows you to respond in a productive, relationship-building way. Ever so respectful.

Sometimes it is about physically being next to your child for a moment. Just being there, present, connected, waiting for a moment. Working harder at calming your own anxiety then calming them.

Sometimes is is about your encouraging self-talk telling yourself that this particular deal will take a long time to learn and you CAN continue stepping in patiently. Over and over and over again. You can do it!

Always it is about seeing any situation as an opportunity for growth and learning (for you and your child!) rather than a problem to solve. This is something I encourage all of you to reflect on–as you rush in to stop, solve, fix, get over as quick as possible (so you can feel better!), consider what you might do differently if you saw this as the opportunity to help your child grow a bit more towards the kind of adult you hope they’ll be. Consider, if it wasn’t a problem to fix, how you might approach it. When we step in thinking it is our job to fix something, we rob our children and ourselves of all kinds of important, essential growth. Another post to write!

Take Your Time. Slow it down when you can.

Focus first on calming YOUR self so you can help your child do the same. Allow for the extra few minutes to move

through a difficult moment. Allow the difficult

moment to be a long moment.

Sometimes for older children we are talking days. Weeks. And yet, as we Take Our Time through their difficult moments, situations, stages, THEY can feel all that support and encouragement that will ultimately move them through it productively. Healthily. Feeling competent, capable, in charge of their selves. How cool is that?

What do YOU need in order to Take Your Time? To take care of you along the way. Remember those Self-Care deposits I talk about? Be sure to do something, just for you, regularly. One minute, hours. Whatever works in your life. It all counts.

Be sure to think about where you have been able to Take Your Time. To feel more comfortable through upset. To help your child move through something difficult. Because it is those times that will bolster you in the midst of the here and now difficult ones.

And PAUSE. Often in your life. Wherever and with whomever. The more you focus on this, the more you strengthen the muscle, the more likely you will find yourself Taking Your Time through something more difficult.

This Mama I admire? She’s taught me this. To Take My Time no matter how disruptive, upsetting, uncomfortable a situation is. To recognize how my button gets pushed and equally recognize I get to control my own buttons. To act-as-if I’m okay with all the uproar around me.

And then the way cool thing happens. That uproar? It settles. Maybe because I Took My Time. Or maybe because, as I focused on calming my self I got a bit clearer about what to do. How to respond. Creative juices flow more readily. Or I make room for a surprising “solution.” Perhaps because I Took My Time, it gave my child the opportunity to figure things out.No matter what, something better emerges. Always. And the best thing of all?

CONNECTION. Real, meaningful, deep, lovely, joyful, heartwarming connection emerges.

What a way to live. What a way to grow. What a way to deposit into any and all of your relationships.

Today, Take Your Time. In whatever way you can. Little or big. Notice how you feel. Notice what works for you. And most especially, notice how it influences situations you are in–with your children, with others.

And thank you to this Mama. I hope she knows how much I am learning from her as she is learning from me.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Quit fighting! Go to your room!

September 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

“No more hitting! Go to your room!”

“We have to leave, it’s late. If you aren’t going to listen to me, then there’ll be no bedtime stories when we get home!”

“No screen time. None. Zippo. Nada. Not until your room is entirely clean. Oh! And if you are going to use THAT tone with me, then there will be no playing with your buddy tomorrow!”

“There’s no way you can have the toy back. Not until you learn how to play with it nicely!”

“QUIT FIGHTING. Argh. Both of you–to time out!”

Sound familiar? Sound productive?

Usually not, unless compliance and obedience in the moment is your goal, and long-term frustration and discontent equally your goal.

Here’s the deal. When we punish we are really saying “You need to behave the “right way,” the way I want you to behave, otherwise I will lose it and won’t feel the good and in control parent I want to be!”

We tend to be more reactive because we are frustrated they aren’t doing what we want them to do. We are exerting outside control on our kids–trying to get them to do it our way–rather than helping them learn to manage themselves from the inside out. We tend to not listen. And yes, often what we are trying so hard to make them do might be of benefit to our child, the situation, but the more it is about our upset, the less they are really learning what it is we hope they will learn.

Instead they are most likely learning:

“Mom loses it when I…” (now their focus is on us, rather on themselves). “I sure know how to push Dad’s button!” “How I feel doesn’t matter, it is how mom feels that matters.” “I need others to control my behavior.” “I’m not competent…” “Dad has no confidence in me or my ideas or…” “I can’t control myself.”

Probably not the lessons you hoped for. And definitely relationship depleting and ultimately making your job so much harder, for your punishments?

They’ll need to get tougher and tougher over time, since the lesson learned is really that your child needs you in order for them to behave. Talk about exhausting…

Let’s look at a different approach–a respectful and relationship building one.

It takes more time, yet in the long run it makes your job so much easier, because your children grow themselves from the inside out, learning to manage themselves, learning to understand feelings, to collaborate and cooperate and work with you. Really!

Here are the same examples for you:

~”Hitting is never okay, it hurts. I can see you are upset. It looks like you really were annoyed when your brother surprised you.” PAUSE. Give space for your child to respond. “Can you tell him about the mad you feel?” And to the brother, “It hurt when she hit you! She really didn’t like it when you surprised her. You enjoy sneaking up and surprising her–it can be a fun game when she likes it, too.” PAUSE. “Do you two have ideas for how this game could work so both of you enjoy it?”

~”It’s time to go now. I can tell you are having a lot of fun and don’t feel ready to leave. What is one more thing you’d like to do before we get our shoes and coats on?” PAUSE. Listen. “Okay! When you are finished with your turn, we’ll head out.” Maybe your child still resists–“You really still don’t feel ready. Now we are going. Off we go to the car–!” And you pick them up, shoes in hand, and head to the car, calmly, matter-of-factly, ready to turn on the music so you have something to distract YOU as they turn their screaming volume up high…

~”When your room is picked up, you can watch your show.” THAT tone gets used. PAUSE. “It makes you mad that you have to work on your room, first. There is a lot of stuff on your floor–I bet it looks pretty overwhelming to you! Would it help if I picked up the clothes and you worked on filling your bookshelf?” PAUSE. “Looks like you aren’t ready for my help. I’ll be in the kitchen. If you change your mind, let me know.” And off you go…

~”Blocks aren’t for throwing! Let’s see how high of a tower we can build with them, instead.” “Hmmm…you still feel like throwing. I’ll put the blocks away for now and you and I can go find all the soft things in the house that we CAN throw!” “You really want the blocks back. When you’ve calmed down (and I can help you), you can try building with them again…”

~”Sounds like the two of you are having a hard time working together. I hear a lot of loud and upset voices.” PAUSE. Space for your kids to respond. “You both have ideas for how to play the game.” PAUSE. “I wonder what the two of you can work out so both ideas could be used?” And keep on pausing…

Respectful. Thoughtful. Your focus on what it is you really want your child to learn–to use their words, to control their bodies, to express their feelings appropriately and productively, to know what they CAN do to build friendships, to communicate, to grow well.

Now you’re communicating YOUR confidence in who they are becoming; that their feelings and ideas are valued; that they matter; that you respect them. Now they are more likely to respect you, as a result.

What does this require from you?

Pausing, first and foremost. Calming your own upset. Being clear on just what you want the most–including what qualities you intend to foster in your children AND what you want in the moment. Then stepping into it with the calm confidence and clarity necessary for guiding your child.

Often it isn’t very pretty. You can feel exhausted. A wreck. Embarrassed, even. Your adrenaline at times can get the best of you. I encourage you to keep focused on respectful parenting–on relationship building interactions–on the kind of adult you intend to launch into the world. And this is what you show your child as you guide them through the tumultuous times.

Show them how to PAUSE. Show them about feelings. Show them how blocks are to be used and how others’ feelings are to be respected. Show them what collaboration looks like. Show them respect by being respectful–and this includes honoring their choice to NOT listen or behave and calmly following through with the results of this.

Consequences really are just the result of your child’s choice and an opportunity to guide them a bit more towards the “end” you intend. Let go of controlling and instead show your child today. And know it is a journey, a process that deserves the respect of time.

You can do this! It initially takes extra time and energy…so be sure you are depositing into YOUR self-care account regularly–then you’ll have the patience and resilience necessary. And the best parts? Parenting gets easier and relationships can thrive. Truly. How cool is that?

A resource to help you along: “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

Here’s to respectful parenting,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned from a Toddler

August 29, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment

Lessons learned (and delighted in and stressed over) from a toddler:

~ Boxes and tape are way more fun then whatever is inside... Always.

~ When I want the blue cup, no the green cup, actually YOUR cup, but really NO cup, how about those crackers, no not THOSE crackers, I mean just PUT ME DOWN, I really want UP–it means I really am just w-a-a-a-y over tired…

~If you tell me it is time to get my diaper changed or leave or put on my jacket or get out (or in) of the tub, count on me to probably say NO…but PLEASE help me by meaning what you say and helping me to still do what you say it is time to do…now my world really can make sense…

~ Laps are best when a book is involved...and who says you have to sit still when being read to?

~ Even the littlest thing deserves great scrutiny…including that teeny tiny spider crawling across the floor, the crumb stuck to my thumb, the owie on YOUR hand, or the errant cheerio hiding under the fridge…(that deserves tasting, as well!)

~ ORDER is important! Keep the peas separate from the mashed potatoes, please…and I really do need to know that nap time follows lunchtime on a regular basis and that my favorite stuffed animal or blankie ALWAYS can be counted on to go to daycare with me…

~ MESS is essential! Smooshing the peas into the mashed potatoes makes a wonderful gooey and perhaps yummy (if chosen to be eaten) mess…oh! And how fun it is to lean w-a-a-a-y over and drop the gooey mess PLOP onto the floor and watch my dog slurp it all up…

~ When you say “Bye” to me, leave. Even if I cry. Even if I cling like an octopus or press my gooey nose and drippy eyes up against the window or end up a puddle on the floor. But make sure you come back when you said you would. Now I really can count on you!

~ Who says socks have to go on feet and pants on legs? Be creative! Think out of the box!

~ Puddles are SUPPOSED to be relished with feet, boots, hands, bottoms, dancing, hopping, poking, rock throwing, dog lapping, all things wet and muddy…why else are they there after it rains?

~ Sudsing up hands under warm water and watching the bubbles swirl around in the drain and more bubbles be made as my hands squish together and just getting lost in all this warm water play is a lovely way to spend lengthy time cleaning up…please don’t hurry me!

~ Tears are best met with the comfort of welcoming arms…or just company nearby cuz sometimes I feel MAD at you.

~ JOY is to be shared as ridiculously funny things happen like falling boom on my bottom to my great surprise or watching the waddling porcupine climb up the zoo cage or delighting in the swirling leaves or discovering a page in my favorite book that has you reading and re-reading and me acting it out and talking about it over and over again…with you.

Lessons from a toddler. What have you learned of recent from your little one? Or delighted in? Or been surprised by? I’d love to hear! Including any button pushing moments…of which there can be plenty with our terrific toddlers .

Parenting Success RECIPE!

August 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

A Recipe for YOUR Parenting Success

Growing a healthy, ready to learn child and a family that can thrive (from Alice’s Cookbook)

Combine:

A pinch to many cupfuls of Self-Care
Large amounts of The Three C’s (Calm, Connection, Consistency)
Multiple dollops of Being Bored and Empty Spaces
Infinite helpings of Respect Feelings
Liberal amounts of What We Focus on Grows
Daily and Generous doses of Nature (often found in those Empty Spaces)
Many scoops of Choice
Heaping cupfuls of PAUSE

Mix with care. Let marinate. Allow for a variety of blends depending on amounts of each ingredient. Simmer all through the day. Taste and adjust quantities as necessary. Consider adding other Essential Ingredients such as Light-heartedness and Sense of Humor.

Set oven to “Heartwarming.” Bake for a lifetime.

Enjoy.

Other additions welcomed to this Recipe for YOUR Success!

Parenting Success: What You Focus on Grows

August 23, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Recipe for Parenting Success continues…another Essential Ingredient:

What You Focus on Grows

Intentionally put your attention to just what you want more of. Such as…

…how your child happily shares her yummy snacks with you even though she almost NEVER will do that with her brother no matter how often you encourage her to do…it’s the sharing that DOES happen that needs our attention!

..the fact that your 2-year-old did finally fall sound asleep AND in his bed. No matter that it took two exhausting hours–he DID end up in his own bed . And asleep. Definitely focus on that!

...how easily your child listened and packed her own backpack and got her own coat and shoes on and was out the door and in the car…even though it was because it was field trip day at school and she was incredibly excited to get there. She listened, cooperated, and your morning transition went WELL. Something worth focusing on.

…OR how, despite the tantrums and backpack contents spread from here to Timbuktu that required YOU to gather up and that your youngest had to be hauled out to the car, you all got loaded up. Your kids buckled and fussed and moaned but were “ready to go.” THAT is to be focused on…”Thank you for being ready to go.” (I know, by the time you are in the car, you are d-o-n-e with the whole scene. I get that.)

..how you DID create a pause and calm yourself down…albeit near the end of a knock-down-drag-out fight with your teen. At least you ended on a more connected note…and that is to be noticed and appreciated, for really, isn‘t it the connection we ultimately want more of?

…when your little one, after unrolling ALL of the toilet paper quite happily–really, it is a way-cool skill to spin and spin the roll and it really IS delightful to watch how it spills all over the floor–then gathered up bits and pieces to plop into the toilet and flush it down. THAT is to be focused on and absolutely noticed and appreciated out-loud. “You flushed the TP right down the toilet. You know exactly where it goes.”

…the JOY your child gets out of playing board games, even though she gets oh-so-mad when she loses. It’s the joy and the willingness to play that needs our attention.

…how your teen does get his laundry down to the laundry room and into the washer. Maybe it still sits there several days later…maybe you find you dump it out into a pile just to make the point of “Why don’t you FINISH doing your laundry?!”, maybe air-dried and wrinkled clothes are of no bother to him (just to you). The fact is, he got his laundry down and in. THAT is to be noticed!

…how, despite the loud and pushy wrestling match between your kids, and the tears and “MOOOOOM’s” and “Make him STOP!” you actually found yourself being rather matter-of-fact and unswayed by it all. Maybe it was because of the wonderful day you had getting a massage and going on a long and beautiful walk with a friend and that your husband was bringing take-out home for dinner… 🙂 But no matter how easy it was for you to be so calm, you were. THAT is to be focused on. And appreciated!

Here’s the deal. When we become intentional about

finding what IS working and focusing on it, the more it can actually happen.

Children seek attention in the easiest way–and so often we give it for when things go wrong, for those are the loud, frustrating, chaotic moments and they exasperate us. And we let them know–often just as loudly, frustratingly, chaotically.

When our kids are actually doing things cooperatively, when they do listen, are focused and engaged with a friend immersed in their play, getting jobs done without being asked, we tend to ignore it. Oh, we often notice, but if we SAY something we might stir the pot and heavens we don’t want THAT to happen because at least now we have some peace and quiet…

And yet, those are the things we really DO want more of. So we must give them our attention–more so than all the yuck. What we focus on grows.

Let your kids know–often–what it is you notice and appreciate.

Give them attention (maybe after the fact, maybe during) for their ability to share with you, how much fun it is to play games with someone who loves to play them, how they do get their laundry started, can be ready to roll in the morning, put TP where it belongs, that they must feel so well rested after sleeping soundly in their own bed. And give yourself attention and kudos galore for creating the pause to calm down NO MATTER how late into the conflict it arises.

What We Focus on Grows. Always. In time, with patience, with a strengthening PAUSE muscle. This is a mantra to live by.

And it really is an Essential Ingredient in our Recipe for Parenting Success. Another ingredient can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

Parenting Success: Respect Feelings

August 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Respect Feelings! And oh so difficult at times . A definite Essential Ingredient for our Parenting Success recipe!

Big, little, LOUD, volcanic, deeply felt, seemingly silly or unnecessary in our eyes. When a child is given the opportunity to FEEL, to have us name their feeling, and give them the safe and respectful place to express it, they can then more likely own it, understand it, and better manage it.

And when they can better manage their feelings, all kinds of way-cool things can happen…

…self-awareness grows exponentially–ever so necessary to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, who they are, what their place is in the world, what makes THEM tick.

…they feel more in-charge of themselves–now that is empowering for a child! Confident and capable can lead the way because feelings are understood and appreciated.

…compassion for others grows; empathy is right around the corner. What a necessary quality to grow for healthy living. Empathy for another. It begins with us empathizing with them as they FEEL–however loud, big, volcanic, deeply sad, seemingly unnecessary…

...feeling more in control of themselves, they feel more secure. And with feeling more secure, they can now truly do the job of growing. Because growth takes feeling safe, in control, supported, for this growth? It often feels rather tumultuous…

...they can feel stronger from the inside out–truly what I believe we all want for our children. What better way to set them up for navigating hurt feelings, broken hearts, peer pressure to take drugs, have sex, drink and drive (whoa…ever thought about that as you look at your 4-year-old freaking out and you are exasperated as you tell them–“You don’t need to cry! Get over it!”?)

Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.

Things to focus on:

PAUSE. Calm your OWN anxiety, first. Consider for a moment as your child feels deeply, loudly, energetically. Pauses are ALWAYS helpful–and if it is hurtful behavior being shown as feelings are expressed, a pause can become a part of your stepping in quickly via your self-talk, it can be those deep breaths you take as you stop your child, it can be the moment you physically wrap your arms around them to stop the hitting or running or whatever is happening. Need help with this? See my books! Or ask

Name and affirm their feeling: “I can tell you are…” “You seem disappointed.” “It really hurts your feelings…” “That makes you MAD.”

Give choices with what they CAN do with feelings that are over-the-top and needing a more productive direction: “You feel really angry. I will stop you from hurting me. If you need to hit, let’s go hit the couch…pound the floor…”

And always, always follow through with the choices given.

Know that, as you work at staying calm and connected with your child no matter their upset, you are communicating to them they can count on you to keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot. What a way for a child to feel safe and secure even in the midst of a big upset. What a way to grow TRUST in you, in themselves.

Respect Feelings.

A key ingredient and essential for a child to grow well, be in-charge and in control of themselves. To feel compassion and be compassionate. To have the inner self-awareness necessary to truly know themselves and to feel strong from the inside out.

Another essential ingredient can be found right here.

Here’s to you…

Parenting Success: The Three C’s

August 13, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

You know that slam-dunk recipe for parenting well you wish existed? There’s yet to be a cookbook that has one, yet there are Essential Ingredients that belong in the as-yet-written “Recipe for Parenting Success.” Self-Care is number one.

The next extremely Essential Ingredient is:

The Three C’s: Calm, Connection, and Consistency.

And if you follow me then you know what is coming next…

PAUSE.

Really, maybe that is key for this Essential Ingredient–a healthy dash of PAUSE.For when our buttons are pushed–whether it is mad, sad, anxiety of any sort–it is ESSENTIAL to practice a PAUSE. A pause that allows you to calm down a bit…to get clear on just what you want…and then step back in and respond based on what you really want rather than all the button pushing emotions that try to get the best of you. And probably often do.

This is the CALM of your Three C’s.

When we CAN calm ourselves a bit, we are more likely to create the very connection our child, who is actively pushing our button and seems to want nothing to do with us or connection, really really needs. And that includes the teen who slams the door in your face and the preschooler who screams louder and louder .

And when we can create the CONNECTION...

…maybe just by staying quiet and near, or maybe by sitting alongside, or maybe by affirming feelings, or maybe by taking them by the hand and joining them in a time out for recharging, or maybe by giving them the respectful space to sort out their feelings, first–we are more likely going to influence them in such a way that they really hear us, feel understood, focus on themselves rather than on all the UPSET we could have emphasized by not pausing.

And when they can feel the connection and understanding and encouragement and have the chance to think about themselves, all kinds opportunities arise for showing our kids what it is we are hoping for, we can better listen to them and understand them, we are more likely going to notice nuances that are key for moving through the yuck in relationship building ways. WE are in a better position to positively influence our kids. How cool is that?

Then there is CONSISTENCY.

Because we’ve paused, calmed, and created connection, we are now more likely quite clear on just what it is we DO want and what the choices are for our child–and there is yet another Essential Ingredient: CHOICES.

When we can offer up choices and then FOLLOW THROUGH with what we said we’d do or they can do or whatever the result of the choice is, when we can follow through right away–our child can now count on what we say we mean and will do. We keep our promises.

This is how trust is built. With our PAUSE, our calm, our connection, and our consistency in what we say, mean, and do, our child can feel safe and secure.They can test and push and do all things they are supposed to within the safe and secure place of TRUST. Even when the world rocks their boat, if they feel safe and secure and able to trust, they can regain their balance and continue on doing the growing they need.

Really. So today? Practice pausing. Find a place of calm–even an iota, it counts. Consider what it is you really want in the situation…and then step back in responding instead of reacting. Trust this will be a deposit into the connection your child needs. Then respect choices made and consistently follow through with the results.

Truly an Essential Ingredient–The 3 C’s. Plus a (rather large) dash of PAUSE. Need help? Check out my book, PAUSE. It is all about the power of calm connection in our lives.

Continue…

Choices Choices Choices–Help!

July 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

So you give your child choice A or B…and they choose C. Now what?

Because really, choice A or B were the ones that you REALLY wanted them to take to make it easy for you–besides being the “right” ones to choose…and darn it all, they choose C 🙂 .

You know–it is time to leave so you ask, “Are you going to put on your shoes all by yourself (choice A) or would you like my help (choice B)?” Reasonable choices and typically it is a slam dunk and out the door you go. But today, your child ignores you…runs away…picks up their shoes and throws them across the room (lots of choice C’s!).

You might find yourself heat up and tip over the edge and march your child firmly by the arm to make them do just what you want them to do.You might find yourself pleading over and over, hoping to avoid a meltdown and still get out the door in one piece (though definitely not on time).You may be frustrated because you understand choices are good and here you’ve given them what is good for their little independent selves…and it didn’t seem to work.

Consider this–your child chose C because it is their job.

Their job to practice being in charge of him or her self

as often as possible.

Their job to test you, to let you know THEIR preference, to state loud and clear “I am the boss of ME!” And your child is right. They ARE the boss of themselves, and as the boss, they get to ultimately decide what choice they will make. This is truly evidence of just the kind of self-directed, independent soul you (most of the time) want to grow.Someone who is in charge of themselves.

Okay, but you still need to get out the door. To continue to support your child in their quest to be independent it is important to respect their choice. How does this look and still get out the door–maybe on time?

Ideas for you:

“It looks like you aren’t ready to put your shoes on. I can see how mad you feel. Describe what you see and acknowledge feelings, always. It is time to go, and because it is too hard for you to choose I will choose for you.”

And maybe you then wrangle your child into your lap and wrestle their shoes on–calmly, matter-of-factly, communicating your respect that they chose otherwise, communicating clearly the result of their choice. And now your child has the opportunity to discover whether they LIKE the result of choice C…and because you are calm and matter-of-fact, it isn’t about YOU, it is about them and their choice. Truly an opportunity for learning and growth.

Or maybe it is fruitless to wrestle shoes on, for it takes just a swift kick and the shoes go flying off once again. So maybe the result of their choosing C is you pick them up in one arm, their shoes in another, and out the door you go. Ignoring the tantrum in the back seat about “I don’t WANT bare-feet!” again gives them the opportunity to decide if choice C really was something they liked. “You chose to not put on your shoes. You don’t like bare-feet, it makes you really upset. When we get to school, you can decide if you are going to put on your shoes by yourself or with my help.” Again, describe what you see and name the feelings. Now your child learns a bit more about what they are responsible for…all because you’ve respected their choice and responded calmly and matter-of-factly with what needs to happen.

Or maybe you can tell your child needs option D and you are okay with that.

“Hmmm…looks like you really want to keep playing with your marbles. We need to get shoes on and head out. You can bring your marbles with you, if you like–I’d really like to see the biggest one of all! Can you come show me while we put on your shoes?” And now you’ve respected their desires, flowed with their energy, and still pointed them in the direction necessary to go. They can feel in charge and you can feel grateful it worked.

Staying calm and matter-of-fact helps your child

discover whether or not he likes the result of the choice he made–now influencing him in such a way that the next time around he may be more likely to choose differently.

What does this require of us? Patience. Understanding. Humor! Consistency. Stamina. Creativity. The ability to PAUSE–essential for helping you find that calm place to respond, that calm place from which to be okay if meltdowns occur, if the house is left a disaster zone, if your car’s back seat looks like a junk pile as you throw everything in and get a move on.

Choice C. It really is okay. Breathe through it, honor it, and be clear on what you really want, for now you communicate respect for your child’s choice and encourage the growth of an independent soul. And still get out the door.

More about PAUSE for you right here: Use The Power of PAUSE

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Moments in the Day of a Toddler

July 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a toddler…

…Filling, dumping, and filling (and dumping again!) just about anything. Your cupboard full of pans, all that laundry you so carefully folded and put in the laundry basket or actually got back into the drawer, the dirt in your garden or potted plant, the mushy peas one at a time into the cup of milk…and out again (uh-oh!). Filling and dumping and digging and pouring is important work…its math work…its understanding the world work.

…Routines! Bedtime, nap time, diaper time, bath time, story time, meal time, daycare time. The routines you stick to make a world of difference to a toddler. Those 3 books, 2 songs, and back rub for bedtime? The more you stick with it, the easier bedtime can be. Routines toddlers can count on help them feel safe in their world. Safe, secure, and now able to manage better all those LOUD feelings they may have about things. You, too

…Calm and consistent follow through on your part! Oh yes. Toddlers need to know what the rules are, the expectations, the framework. They need to know you are coming back after nap, that they ARE all done with lunch when food starts going other places other than their plate or mouth, that throwing blocks will be stopped, that you really will sing two songs like you said you would. What a difference this makes for them!

…Choices!! And only a few at a time (too many all at once is ever-so-overwhelming!). Like when they get to choose between the red and blue cup, or zipping their jacket or having you help them, or holding hands and march march marching or being picked up and carried. With choices, they feel empowered! In charge of themselves–something key for this age. Independent, oh yes. What a way to help our toddler grow their capable and competent selves.

…Saying NO! And delighting in all that means. And watching how we respond! Nononononononono may mean, “This is a fun word to say and I can say it easily!” to “Look at the attention I get when I say it..” to “NO. I don’t WANT that.” Our job? To keep our eyes twinkling. To be clear, calm, and consistent with what their choices are. To affirm feelings. To be gentle and light-hearted as much as possible. To let those “NO”s be the practice they really are–for your toddler to define his world in his way. Independence at its best.

…Opportunities to be in charge of themselves! We get to decide the food we serve them in bits and pieces, it is their job to work at eating it–messily, poking it, squishing it, mushing it around and spitting it out. We get to set up our home as best as possible for them to freely and safely explore in, they get to do the exploring–at their pace, with their ideas, with our quiet observation and affirmation of their work, feelings, struggles, success. We get to let them know it is time to change that diaper; they get to decide how it is changed (a wrestling match? With them holding everything? On the floor…bed…table…standing…lying down…with chase games in-between?)

…Goodbyes and hellos! What an important part of their life. They are working hard at understanding this disappearing act that happens, the concept of here and gone. Confusing, when we adults forget this and just leave. Or sweep them up with no warning to leave. Our intentional letting them know what to expect (those routines, again!), our consistent follow through of what we say, our respect for how they feel about it all (and still get it done, calmly…) is key for them to get a sense of order of it all.

Toddlers! What a time of expanding independence. What a time of incredible growth towards their capable, competent selves.

Our job? Practicing often our ability to PAUSE so we can be calm, clear, consistent in all we do with them. Including letting our eyes TWINKLE. And the Two’s become Terrific!

More toddler antics here: Toddlers! Totally Terrific

Alice

The NO with all eyes upon you…

July 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

Noticed and appreciated…

The Daddy at the airport attempting to go from point A to point B with a 2.5-year-old intending to STAY PUT at point A.

You know–jello legs, arched back, screaming…and Daddy trying to respectfully just hold her hand and walk. Impossible. Frustrating! Anger-producing at times. Definitely embarrassing out in public.

What did I appreciate? How he PAUSED.

Then how he looked down at his struggling child and just picked her up and moved on to point B. Matter-of-factly, staying quiet, allowing her to continue to arch and kick and scream. “Allowing” is really the wrong word, however. It wasn’t up to him whether she continued on with her upset…so no, he didn’t allow her to continue, he respected her need to do so and gave her the safe space in his arms to BE upset and still do what needed to be done–get to point B.

By the time they reached the seats where their family awaited, she had calmed...and (as only toddlers can) switched from very upset to totally happy 🙂

The daddy’s ability to be calm and matter-of-fact, to take charge in regards to where they needed to go and at the same time not try to make his daughter stop her tantrum spoke volumes to his toddler.

It gave her the secure space (his arms, even as she fought!) to get her mad out, feel accepted, manage herself, and move on. And Daddy had a moment of success–if he was embarrassed and irritated, he didn’t show it and he moved through it–role-modeling for his daughter how HE managed HIS feelings.

And then there was…

The 18-month-old toddler on a recent flight whose favorite word and comment on just about anything was, “No no no no no no no no no…”!!!!

A rather HAPPY “no.” I so appreciated how both his parents PAUSED, took his NOs in stride, never letting it phase them and often just saying, “Oh? You would rather NOT share the seat. Daddy is going to sit down, let’s make room…” Calmly affirming him and still moving forward with just what was expected. Their eye-twinkles, connection, and presence turned what could’ve been a real struggle into a relationship-building, wonderful learning experience.

I especially enjoyed standing in the galley alongside him and his Mama talking about IN the plane and then (as he pointed to the window) OUT of the plane. In and out, in and out, in and out we went, both with words and pointing. His total GLEE over a stranger engaging with him and enjoying HIS game kept a smile on my face all flight long. And then there was the “row row row your boat” song he and I sang that became, “fly fly fly the plane, swiftly across the sky?!” Oh, so much FUN. Delight and eye twinkles all over again.

What is important about both of these stories is the parents’ ability to PAUSE and be calm and fully present with their children

Exhausting, yes, especially while on a long plane ride. Yet the really cool thing? It is sure to set them up for future traveling to become more and more successful. Rather than succumbing in the moment to being embarrassed, exasperated, frustrated, just wanting their child to mind and behave and make the trip “easy”, they rolled up their sleeves, dug in with their patience and showed their little ones what traveling is all about, what is expected, how they can count on mom and dad to listen, understand, and guide them (all with little to no screens, by the way). These parents?

They used the plane trip as an opportunity for the rich learning experience it can be. And calm connection led the way.

Truly relationship-building. And eventually? This makes parenting easier. And it all unfolded atop a PAUSE.

Today, notice and appreciate the hard work you are doing to parent well, to pause, to build relationships, to grow healthy children. Let a PAUSE lead the way in all you do. It really can make all the difference in the world.

PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh Those Favorite Stuffed Guys!

June 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

…The well loved and stuffed special guy tucked in a pocket of a bike trailer alongside the special guy’s little boy. Never leave home without it! Those special guys? Whether they are stuffed, a blanky, a plastic horse, a toy truck, they are important. I so appreciated how the mom pulling her son along the trails respected the importance of keeping her son’s special guy close.

Special guys provide the security and familiar that is often

necessary as little ones navigate their world.

This they can be in charge of. And often the special guys are the ‘lens’ through which they soak up experiences:

“My special guy is worried about being touched by the other kids” as you walk into preschool or daycare.

“Look at what my special guy and I can do on this jungle gym!” as together they manage the scary height they are scaling.

“My special guy is ALL DONE with his nap!”

And oh, the stories and memories that special guys bring through the years! My grown daughters both have their stuffed kitty and horse still with them…and we remember the time the horse spent a week in a restaurant, waiting patiently for us to return; the time kitty had to get washed…and the alligator tears shed while waiting; the time both went wheeeee down a snowy hill, encased in their plastic bag snowsuits!

Memories. They are the stories that provide continued moments of meaningful connection…. 🙂

…The parents with a young toddler and preschooler at a local sporting event. Their calm approach and presence to their children gave both kids a safe place to climb around on empty seats, feel heard and understood when a leg got pinched in a chair and tears fell, throw balls within the contained space dad provided.

The parents’ quiet presence to their children

gifted them lovely moments…

…such as the delight on their 16-month-old’s face as he recognized a favorite babysitter, their 3-year-old spontaneously sharing her cookie with her brother, the intent upon their faces as they studied the goings-on all around them. I noticed that the parents noticed these little moments, and I loved that. They didn’t miss a thing and the smiles they and my husband and I exchanged as we all soaked up these little moments were equally appreciated. More memories made as they stayed quietly present to their children…

…The 8-year-old both shy and eager to show two somewhat familiar adults her handstands, cartwheels, “Hot Cross Buns” on her wooden flute, “The Alaska Flag Song” on the piano. It was a joy to watch her sparkle, to hope we’ll pay attention (we did!), to see her parents give her the space to move with exuberance through their house…at times gently ‘containing’ her via snuggles on the couch.

Their ease with her exuberance communicated confidence in her

ability to control herself, to listen, to know that who she is and how she feels is A-Okay with them.

Without this ease, her exuberant self could have tipped the less desirable way and become the acting out that starts to push buttons. I so appreciated how instead they channeled it positively, gave her gentle reminders of the boundaries (“Give your brother space on the couch, please”; “Your tumbling can be done outside”), and then gave her the affirming attention as she chose just what they wanted to see more of.

What have you noticed, appreciated, or enjoyed of recent? What little moments put a smile on your face? How has your quiet presence influenced your children? Things to think about today…

Our Response Matters

June 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

When things get heated, testy, frustrating, maddening,

scary, grief-stricken…our response IS necessary.

HOW we respond is what matters.

Whether the heat happens in your living room, at work, in your community, during rush-hour, between your kids, you and your partner, co-workers, school board members, politicians and politics, anywhere and with/at anyone…

HOW we respond is what determines just what is learned, what kind of influence we are, whether productive and hopefully positive change occurs.

When we react–often loudly, aggressively, maddeningly, fearfully, trying to control and make and convince and stop–we tend to (and you probably see this often with your children!) stir up MORE of exactly what we are trying to stop, change, make feel safe, better, right.

Think about this. When we push back with often very similar behavior that our child (or whomever it is with) has just shown us–raised voices, rough handling, absolutes that are nearly impossible to carry through–our child either gets LOUDER, rougher, more upset, repeats over and over again the very same behavior and it just keeps escalating; or they–out of fear, often–comply. They are scared about OUR reaction and quickly do just whatever it is we are trying to get them to do.

Pretty relationship-depleting.

Nor very productive in the long-run, or the kind of positive influence we really want to be as we consider being the kind of resource and person we want our child to WANT to come back to. Especially when the going gets tough.

HOW we respond to any kind of conflict or challenge presented, no matter the “stage” (your living room, at work, on the road, in the community, country, world), will determine just what will be learned.

So…

PAUSE. Strengthen this muscle every chance you get.

PAUSE. Discover what works for YOU to calm all (or at least some of) the heat that is inside you.

Get CLEAR on just what you want the most, what you intend.

This includes thinking about what you value the most–qualities, strengths, beliefs. This includes what kind of influence YOU intend to be. This includes just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, what kind of community you want to live in…

Step back into the situation and RESPOND (rather than react) based on what you want the MOST.

And now your calm(er) and clear(er) self will more likely say words that have a meaningful and positive impact, your actions will support your words (Integrity–what you mean you say and will do. Essential for living well), and you will more likely be listened to, cooperated or collaborated with, and most definitely will be respected. Because you are being respectful.

Sounds like a lot to do, doesn’t it? Like something you really have NO time for. And yet, if we don’t start working on our ability to control ourselves and parent, live, lead from a truly authentic place–from inside-out, clear on building healthy relationships and communities, able to be the mature adult our children and world need, then things are going to ramp up and get ever harder.

Anxiety, fear, anger will grow. And our opportunities to get stronger at being calmer will not only increase, they will overwhelm. And it really is just “easier” to react. Though all that does is spiral it up even more.

So what does it all really mean or look like?

Instead of the desire and then reaction to get your child to quit hitting his brother….what you hopefully want the MOST is your child to learn how to problem solve, negotiate, work through conflict in productive ways. The desire to quit hitting is very real. The response needs to be based on learning to work through conflict in productive ways.

Instead of just getting out the door on time, period, and doing whatever it takes to get everyone out the door on time, what you hopefully want is a child who is learning how to manage THEIR time well, what it takes to be ready to roll, how their choices ripple out to impact the rest of their day…

Instead of rescuing a struggling child as they work on something difficult (whether it is a project, a Great Big Sad, challenging friendships, bullying, learning something new, taking responsibility for the results of a choice that wasn’t so wonderful…), what you want the MOST is a child able to manage the hard of the struggle. To know they can work through feelings productively, that they can count on your calm and safe presence to unload, that they can feel capable and competent as they figure things out. That mistakes are okay. Something to learn from instead of just fix.

That is what looking to what you want the MOST is all about.

Sometimes our response seems to be no response—because we have, following a PAUSE, calmed ourselves down enough that we wait. We watch. We listen. And often discover because of our calm, observant, quiet self we are providing LESS attention to the very less-than-desirable behavior…and that behavior? It now lessens. Changes. Shifts all on its own–or seemingly so. When our response is an intentional “no” response our respectful, quiet, watchful and waiting selves have just influenced another in a positive and productive way.

Sometimes our response is quick, firm, and done with your full and respectful presence as you stop your child or another from hurting or being hurt. Those are those immediate safety concerns…and when done with the Gentle Firmness that our quick and immediate response is when from a strengthened PAUSE muscle, it stays relationship-building. Even as anxiety, fear, and the LOUD of upset take over.

HOW we respond determines what is learned…

…and it is in the HOW that can be what is essential for growing more of the good, strong, productive, relationship-building, appreciative, even positive that we want for our children, our relationships, our communities, our world.

What we focus on grows.

This testy, LOUD, reactivity? It really is way more about each of us–something we can control. Today, tomorrow, forever–work at putting your attention first within yourself and getting calm and clear. Then make your response be in the good, kind, productive, appreciative, honest, collaborative, cooperative, relationship-BUILDING direction.

Respond with calm, clear, honest intention. What a world of difference this can make.

It matters.

To help you along: It’s HARD to PAUSE

Or: How Many Times Do I Need To Tell You?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice Hanscam
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

So much learning!

June 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

The 11-month-old who has been shown since early on how to use “one finger touches” when touching flowers, fragile instruments, and other special things–his ability to do just this, use one finger, is a delight to see. And it can bring incredible ease to so many of their daily adventures with so much learning happening through-out.

The respectful approach by his mama and papa

to talk to him and show him just what he CAN do is paying off with a little guy easy to go through the day with. A joy!

The college-aged young woman who delighted in the connection she felt with a young man as she talked with him en-route to class. Someone she sees and talks to often…and now, as she so genuinely shared with her mom, she could “feel” and “see” the twinkling of eyes between the two of them . I’m appreciating her willingness and desire to share with her mother–to share the joy over the moment!

The barefoot 15-month-old pushing the child-sized grocery cart through the store, one little step at a time, concentrating ever so hard. I especially enjoyed how he’d pause, choose something from the shelf that his mama pointed out, and plunked it into his cart–grinning from ear to ear as his mama gently encouraged him along.

The willingness of mama to take the time to let her little guy do what is important work for a one-year-old I totally appreciated…and it certainly put a smile on my face!

The 15-month-old foster child (new to his foster family’s home) who went from chasing and grabbing the kitty’s tail and hitting her to using gentle pats–all within a few days of LOTS of patient role-modeling.

The calm, consistent, and

connected approach of the entire family paid off.

The cat? Instead of running to hide, he now purrs and rubs up next to the little guy–the trust that most of the time gentle hands will be used is obvious.

The 3 elementary-aged children trailing alongside their mother in the grocery store...all 3 engaged with the process, mom giving them things to collect and choose, conversation over what fruit to buy and how to choose the freshest vegetables. What a gift to these children! Mom’s full presence, the work shared, food buying learned about, choices and ideas respected. All in a short afternoon of grocery shopping.

So much learning…

So many eye-twinkling and delightful moments

seen as I move through my days. So many relationship building moments witnessed…

Take time today to look around and actively appreciate…notice…and look to what brings a smile to your face and a bit of joy to your day! What we focus on grows…

Here’s another “Noticed and Appreciated” for you: The Simple Pleasures

Make it great today!

Alice

I. Not. DONE!

June 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“I. Not. Done. Talking. Daddy!”

“Oh? You aren’t finished talking to the museum clerk. How much time do you need?”

Pause…considering…

“Two. Minutes!”

And on the three-year-old boy went describing at length his visit to the restroom with the rhythm that captivated all who listened from nearby:

“I. Flushed. Toilet. WHOOSH (hands fluttering to demonstrate). Then. I. Dry. Hands (rub rub rub went his hands to show). SHHHHHHZZZZZ The. Dryer. Said. All. By. My. Self.” Eyes a-glow.

Serious and intent on communicating exactly his experience to the focused and present museum gift shop clerk. Eyes twinkling on the other adults captivated by the exchange. Daddy standing near, respectfully giving his son the time and space to take charge of himself. As the conversation seemed to wrap up:

“Two minutes are done, now, son. It is time to leave.”

“I. NOT. DONE. I. Need. FOUR. Minutes!”

I so loved the respect given to the boy’s very serious exchange with this woman. Bathroom experiences are serious business for this age and the fact that no one laughed, everyone involved was engaged and as intent as the boy spoke volumes to this child. You could see his little self swell with confidence, his focus on communicating never wavering, his full body engagement as he demonstrated all the steps along the way.

And did he get FOUR minutes? No.

His father gently extracted him with good-byes being said by all–this little boy could count on his dad to keep his promise of two minutes. Truly a lovely exchange in the middle of a museum gift shop amidst a rush of tourists. I appreciated the clerk’s ability to PAUSE in her busy day to authentically listen to what was very important for this boy, the dad’s ability to patiently wait and respectfully let his son do it his way, the gentle boundaries given and followed through on.

What a little moment in the midst of many that means more than any of us can really know. It is these little moments that add up to meaningful experiences, real and meaningful growth, really cool things. It took only minutes out of the dad’s day to pause and give space to his son. It spoke volumes to his son. Add these little moments up and the impact–well, it is huge.

Just think of the step closer dad just took for having a son who can manage himself well. Just think of the promise kept of 2-minutes and even with disappointment expressed, was gently followed through on. Just think of the respect that was role-modeled…and now more likely to be returned by Mister 3. Just think of how he may now listen that much more carefully when necessary because HE was listened to. Just think. So MUCH and in just a few moments.

Honor the little moments today. Know that as you PAUSE, slow down a bit, and take a moment to really look at your child, to really watch what they do and listen to what they say, you are depositing into the growth of a fantastic human being. These moments add up. See how many you can do today…and notice what is different as a result–for you, for your child.

I think you will like how it feels. I KNOW your child will.

Here’s to beginning your day with a PAUSE.

Alice

Preschoolers! Hang on for the ride…

May 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Threes, fours, and fives—WOW!

Hang on to your hat, you are in for a ride! Everything over-the-top, LOUD, fast, bigger- better- stronger. Exuberance to the max. As well as SHY to an extreme…

The growth in these years is astounding and due to this we are often caught trying to catch up with just how capable and competent they are–and if you are having an experience like I did, that “catching up” takes…months, sometimes!

Preschoolers can:

~ Use their imagination and truly pretend. Our job? To give them plenty of lengthy times to play without our direction. Just play—this ability to imagine and create needs time and space to nurture and is essential for optimal brain growth and all future learning. This means with OUT screens…and WITH lots of wonderful open-ended items to play with such as blocks, hats, dirt and sticks and buckets, art supplies, playdough, Band Aids, boxes, and time. Time with no agenda; time to think their own thoughts and try on their own ideas…

~ Express themselves loudly and exuberantly! Rather like a volcano exploding at times (quite often). Giving them the space and opportunity to be loud and exuberant respects this energy in them; steering them gently towards appropriate expression is our job. “I can see you are really, really mad. Letʼs stomp our feet extra hard down the hall and get your mad out!” “Quiet voices are for the library. I can see you really want to use your loud voice. Letʼs head outside and you can be as loud as you want.” Or…”You are really upset. I will stop you from hurting me. I think it is time we took a break so you can calm down…” And show them just what taking a break means.

~ Share! Watch this emerge from turn taking to really playing with another, freely trading back and forth and imagining together. Is it a bit reactive at times? You bet—necessarily so. Sharing comes with feelings of disappointment, frustration, patience, joy. Notice it, affirm it, and do your best to stay out of it. Preschoolers are quite good at figuring things out when adults stay on the sidelines instead of in the mix, “Looks like you both are wanting to use the truck. What can you do about that?”

~ Take care of their bodyʼs needs quite well, from toileting to bathing to eating. Give them lots of opportunity to wash themselves (and do your best to let go of perfection), choose and prepare their own snacks, decide how much of their meal they want to eat until they feel done. Our job? Ask questions such as, “Would you like help in the bathroom? Let me know if you do.” “You feel full? Okay. Iʼll save your plate in case you change your mind later.”

~ Cook, clean, create. Include them often in meal preparation—show them the recipe, let them measure things, help them stir things in the frying pan; include them in chores—they like to feel a part of what makes a family and home work. Let them fold, mop, sweep, vacuum, sort, scrub. Show them how to work with tools—hammers and nails, screwdrivers, paint—real and meaningful work. Always.

Preschoolers need our calm, consistent, caring interactions; our affirmation and naming of their BIG feelings; our focus on and celebration of their abilities rather than the results of their attempts.

Be amazed by your preschooler! Up the ante on choices and opportunities to be in charge of themselves and watch the magic that can unfold…

Now your child can feel more in charge of his or her self and respected and encouraged by you-and truly empowered!

From this place of empowerment you will discover your job gets easier, your relationship more joyful, family life richer. And now, no matter the ride, you will discover the delight in all things preschooler…even as your buttons are pushed YOUR sense of humor will lead the way a bit more…really!

Celebrate your childʼs abilities today!

With joy and appreciation,

Alice