Tag: Developmentally appropriate

Too Much, Too Soon…

April 30, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Hurried children. Too much too soon often equals not enough.

Not enough…

…of their developmental needs being met–emotionally and physically.

…of down time, free play time, non-adult directed time.

…space to discover for themselves what they like and don’t like, can and can’t do, is their responsibility and is not their responsibility

…family time–often translated as meals together, or outings, or games played.

…OUTSIDE time. Kicking around, exploring, climbing, playing, daydreaming.

…being listened to, heard, and understood.

…respect for who THEY are becoming.

Hurried children. It can also mean TOO much.

Too much…

…pressure to achieve achieve achieve.
…push to try everything all at once–so many cool extra-curriculars….
…expectations to be more, better, smarter, faster, and everything SOONER
…of us trying to control their lives, decisions, thoughts, feelings, actions
…responsibility or opportunity that doesn’t match their emotional or physical developmental level.
…stress, period.

The results? These hurried children can seem

to do exceptionally well until all of a sudden they don’t.

You might find they…

…check out of just what they seemed passionate about for many years–such as a sports or other activity they did intensely since early elementary. And often this checking out has them turning to less desirable activities…
…start to fail in school. Or struggle. Or not care.
…become addicted–to drugs, alcohol, screen time (maybe as a result of checking out of the sport or activity that they lived for up until now)
…become anxious, nervous, angry. Cry. Throw even more tantrums.
…become deeply depressed, ill, unable to participate in healthy living.

You know, it often doesn’t seem a bad thing, expecting a lot from our kids, exposing them to wonderful and interesting activities at length, succumbing to their “But all my friends are doing it!” Skipping family meals regularly can be replaced with other family time. Outdoors can be “skipped” since, well, neighborhoods might be unsafe or the weather uncooperative. Unfortunately that can often mean screen time to fill the time. And that’s a whole other hurried issue as kids are exposed to things far from appropriate for their age and stage…

And yet, more often than not when we get caught up in

hurrying our children, it really is more about us.

 

Our need to feel the good parent; the successful parent–“I’ve got a smart kid” “I am doing it right because my child is in so many cool activities and knows how to do all these things…”

Or maybe it is about us needing to feel in control--in control of what our kids are doing, saying, thinking, feeling. One way to do this is to manage their every hour of every day…and it leaves our kids either resenting us or passively accepting our every word and action as just right for them.

It often comes from our desire to “do it right” and “make sure” our kids have every opportunity in life in order to succeed. We really do care–deeply, ever so deeply–for our children and their well being. This is our strength as parents.

And yet a hurried child is really missing what they need in order to ultimately be that self-directed, responsible, caring adult we hope for.

When we hurry, we are no longer paying

attention to what their developmental need is–we miss important things in our child’s life.

 

And when they don’t get their needs met we really are robbing them of the strong, inner-directed, healthy development necessary for becoming that future successful adult.

Hurried children. It really is about slowing US down. Letting go a bit. Focusing on OUR anxieties and need to be the “good parent” and calm ourselves down. Think. Find support and encouragement often. Consider just what kind of adult we intend to grow. Know, really KNOW, that slowing down, doing less, focusing on building relationships rather than building a smart kid is essential for true success. No matter what society says.

Someone I respect greatly in this field is David Elkind. Check him out. He’s written many books on this subject from preschoolers to teens. He was a professor of mine oh so many years ago at Tufts University in the Child Study department. He left an impact on me. He continues to with all of his work. And so do many, many others as we work at helping families thrive.

Here’s to you today as you sort through all the pressure our society imposes on us as we strive to parent well. It really does begin with our ability to focus on ourselves, first, and get clear about what we really want.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

 

And yes, that hurried feeling? It’ll still exist as you rush to get out the door on time, with everyone in tow and put together. THAT hurry is rather normal…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Did You Know? Media Matters.

February 22, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

It’s evening. You are scrambling to get dinner going or maybe immersed in cleaning it all up. Your children are ramping up. You’ve worked all day and still have chores, emails, work, bath, reading, teeth to do. Chaos is reigning and you need a distraction–you and your kids!

On goes the TV. Or iPad. Or other digital device. A show is put on. Or video game. Or other entertaining App. But since YOU need the distraction just as much, you turn on a funny show that you enjoy and seems totally okay for your kids, too.

PAUSE.  Something we need to KNOW is just how what our kids watch affects their developing selves. So let’s rewind a bit to a handful of years ago and a concrete example I can give. Remember the show Friends? It was lighthearted, funny, geared toward adults and aired at a time children were still up. It actually was the top rated show for preschoolers for 10 years.It really matters none which show I focus on, the info I share next pertains to ALL that we plunk our kids in front of; yet Friends is such an excellent example.

Let’s start with our preschoolers. What IS the big deal about letting them watch alongside us funny-to-us shows that seem relatively harmless?

Consider this…

The number one developmental task of a preschooler is to learn behavioral and emotional self-control--if you are a parent of a 4-year-old you know exactly what this means! There is little emotional (or behavioral!) self control exhibited on Friends–that is what makes it so funny for us watching it.  We laugh at it all!

What does our laughter communicate to our preschooler?

That self-control is really not all that important.  That losing our self-control really is just funny! Oops. Probably not what we really want to communicate as we yet again try to get our over-the-top preschooler to just cool their jets…not hit their brother…quit throwing and jumping and flying over the furniture or yelling extra loud, or being that puddle on the floor because they didn’t get their turn…

Take this further…

If our preschooler does not successfully accomplish the task of self-control, they now do not have what they need to grow through the middle childhood main task in healthy ways–how to be a friend. That preschool task of learning to manage BIG feelings? It is necessary to develop healthy friendships.

How does watching friends as an elementary age child influence them at this developmental stage?

That friendships are supposed to be sarcastic, unkind, back-biting.  What does our laughter as we watch this show communicate? That this is exactly how friendships are supposed to look.

Fast forward to middle school and check out how the kids are treating each other. Oh heck, look at your 4th, 5th, or 6th grader to see plenty of unkindness, back-biting, downright mean stuff. Yes, sometimes this is “normal” (think girls and the challenges in later elementary years), and that is all the more reason to be sure what is role-modeled everywhere else (shows included) is respectful and kind.

Let’s go a bit further down the developmental road…

To the teen years. What is the number one task for a teen? The further development of intimate relationships (as well as separating from us!). What does our enjoyment over Friends communicate as they, too, watch?

That all of our relationships are infused with sex–that this is what the epitome of a meaningful relationship is. Sexual, sarcastic, unkind.  I am most certain most of you want to see just the opposite in your teen–you’d like to see respect, healthy choices, a kind and generous spirit (at least away from home… 🙂 ).

It is essential that we think through what

we want our children exposed to.

 

PAUSE and think through what we want to communicate and what we actually are via our words and actions.

Be sensitive to your child’s developmental stage and how what they watch influences their social, emotional, and intellectual growth. Take it seriously, for your child’s (and our society’s) health depends on it.

And when you still, out of sheer desperation, turn on a show that just isn’t a great choice? It’s OKAY. Because you’ve worked hard at choosing with care and  as you navigate the world of media and screens these moments are going to happen–in your home, or elsewhere. Their effect CAN be countered by the protective factors of a safe, loving, connected relationship with you.  YOU who will ask questions, talk about what the child sees, explore their feelings, role model just what you really want.

Find Alice’s books here!

Science, research, experience is showing us clearly what many of us know intuitively. Take care in the media you expose your children to. It matters.

 

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

Let’s Talk Sharing

September 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk sharing. I found myself lingering in our local library recently, enjoying the ‘learn, play, read’ area they’ve created for infants to preschoolers. I watched how parents quietly sat on the floor and stayed present to their exploring little ones. I loved the access to so many fabulous books.

And I heard the inevitable “Share!” “No, no, be nice, you have to share.” “You can’t have that, you have to share it.”

This sharing deal? It really is more about us than our children.

Think about it. Developmentally it is between 3 and 5 that children really grasp what sharing is all about. Yet we demand our toddlers and young preschoolers to somehow just ‘know’ how to do it. And whew, wouldn’t it be nice if they did! No fighting, arguing, grabbing…all is fine and easy and we can feel like good parents.

Sharing requires understanding of ours and another’s feelings and desires. Sharing is about being creative with another as you use something together, it is about being compassionate and giving, it is about being respectful.   

How do our young ones grow into the sharing mode?

By our understanding of THEIR feelings and desires, our compassion, our giving, our being respectful of them. This includes beginning with complete ownership over something.

Take a moment and think about your teen years…say you had worked many hours to save up for the beautiful new sweater or dress that you finally bought and your sister demands wearing it prior to you (since you were saving it for that special date sometime in the future) and your parent insisted you “be kind and share, for heaven’s sake”–how might you feel?

I believe you’d feel resentful. You might share, but begrudgingly. It might make you mad. It might even leave you feeling guilty, for not feeling gracious and sharing willingly.  And think about how it might influence your relationship with your sister–-probably in less than wonderful ways. This is what is what happens when we, out of our own desire to have our children ‘be nice’ and have what seems to be conflict go away, make our little ones share.

What to do, instead? Respect ownership. If a young toddler knows for sure their time with an item is fully respected, if that is the norm for them that they can be fully submerged in their exploration of whatever toy, then when they feel done it is a simple extension to letting the next toddler have it. All we have to do is respect their feelings, their time, their choice.

Scenarios for you:

“You want a turn with the stuffed kitty.” PAUSE and wait. “Timmy, Grace wants a turn with the kitty.” Wait and watch. “Oh, Grace. It looks like Timmy isn’t done with the kitty. Would you like to play with the truck or read a book while you wait for a turn?”

“It makes you mad that you can’t have the kitty right now. It’s hard to wait, isn’t it? Let’s go over here together and I can help you wait for your turn.”

“When you grab the book, it makes Sally mad. She wasn’t done with it.” PAUSE. “Sally, do you want to finish looking at the book or can Erik have it?” Wait quietly. “Looks like Sally wants to finish reading the book. Erik, can you hand it back or would you like me to help you?” PAUSE once again. “Here, I will help you give it back. I know, you really want a turn. Maybe we can read it together? Or maybe you and I can read THIS book until Sally is done.”

“Hmmm. I see two children who both want the puzzle.” PAUSE. “Wow, Mikey REALLY wants to use it and Sarah is already working with the pieces.” Wait. “Is there another puzzle in this room that we could find?” “Is there something else Mikey might want to play with–Sarah, could you find something for Mikey while he waits for you to be all done?” Or…”Here’s a piece for you to work with, Mikey. Sarah, are you going to put your piece in? Mikey, where does yours fit? Look how you can both work on the puzzle!”

And when sharing naturally occurs? When two little ones are both exploring one thing, or handing something over, or giving a piece of theirs to another? Then you get to let them know “You are sharing! Marie likes it when you share a piece of your snack.” What we focus on grows

Now what is learned–whether a conflict or natural sharing?

Respect. Understanding of feelings. Greater awareness of their own feelings and another’s. What to do when there is conflict.

All necessary for future sharing. The cool thing? As you PAUSE and observe before even jumping in, you may notice these little ones handle it just fine between them. Maybe when a toy is grabbed from another, the other doesn’t mind. Neither should we. They are learning. Maybe when a toy is grabbed it gets grabbed back. Wait. See how it plays out.

Intervention really is only necessary when big feelings take over or hitting/biting begins. Now it’s time to step in, describe what you see, affirm feelings, and PAUSE, always PAUSE through-out, giving your child the opportunity to process and respond. You may be surprised with what they decide to do.

Sharing begins with respect for feelings, ownership, unhurried time.

When a young child feels respected–when their time with something is honored–they naturally will ‘share’ with another. What does this require from us? PAUSING, always  :-).  Calming our anxiety over what seems like conflict, fighting, disagreements, unfairness. Calming ourselves down as we find ourselves with other parents who do it differently. I know what worked for me was to stay focused on the children involved rather than talk with the other parent. Or I would say, “Let’s see how our kids work it out, first.” Or we’d just chalk up a disintegrating situation to just that. A disintegrating situation. An opportunity to affirm feelings and get the heck out of there.

Find Alice’s books here!

Relax today. Let your toddler and young preschooler finish what they are doing. Show them the respect you want to see in them as they grow. Trust the process–sharing evolves. Naturally, and often later. Honor the steps one at a time that will create the foundation for not only sharing, but positive and healthy relationships. There is no hurry.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Teaching Your Child to Read

June 15, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

I had a grandparent, who is homeschooling their grandchild, ask me recently,“How do you teach a 5-year-old how to read? We read to our child a lot, which she enjoys. Do we use flash cards? Sight words? We are currently trying to get her to sound words out.”   

I appreciate that this grandfather reached out. Reading is essential for learning all through life. Academically we’ve pushed down the “achievement” of reading to ages developmentally unready for this accomplishment.  Here’s what I wrote to this grandparent:

I’m glad you’ve asked this question!  I think your granddaughter is blessed to have grandparents so intimately involved in her life, helping her grow and learn. And your awareness of how crucial reading is and desire to be sure she IS a reader are equally blessings for her.

Reading is a developmental process and something that has not changed despite the efforts of society pushing academics down to younger ages. The fact is that age 8 is when reading typically “comes together” for a child. 3rd grade! This, of course, means at age 8 children are able to read, comprehend what they read, are able to express what they read. The whole package. And hopefully LOVE to read. This is key!

I love that you read to your granddaughter and that she enjoys it! This is the BEST thing you can be doing–sharing and enjoying books builds the love of reading which fuels her learning to read. And there is so much more you can do to build a foundation for a successful reader… 

I encourage you to immerse her in literacy–meaning lots and lots of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences around all things books, words, letters, sounds. What does this look like?

Ideas for you:

  • Have plenty of picture (and appropriate chapter) books available to her at all times.
  • Be sure to role-model reading, yourself! And talk about stories; tell stories out loud.
  • Make sure she has a library card and uses it–and this may be creatively done, now with Covid-19, perhaps via playing library in your own home! Together make her a Grandparent House Library Card, and have fun creating a space in your house with a selection of books and have her practice checking them out, being responsible for them, returning them. PLAY. This is key.
  • Have lots of writing material available for her to freely engage in. We liked to have paper of different sizes and colors, pens, pencils, markers, ink stamps, etc always available. We had fun creating a shoebox mailbox and envelopes to “exchange letters”–which always encourages them to write and tell stories! Sometimes via pictures and this is just as important as words. Asking her to tell you about her drawing is wonderful, and then encouraging her to put a caption under it is certainly okay–“Would you like to write what it is under the picture so daddy can read it when he comes?” Letting go of whether she wants to or not is equally important.
  • Worry less about making letters or spelling words “right.” Inventive writing is the name of the game–all about her figuring out the sounds SHE hears and translating it to paper–it is amazing what they come up with! Let her freely write write write with little to no parameters. Inside-out learning! Now her thoughts can flow without the roadblock of writing things “right.”
  • Engage her in cooking at the counter and together “read” labels, ingredients, recipes. “Look! Here it tells us how many eggs. I see a T…what’s the next letter look like to you? W! yes! Oh…and then there is a  (you pause…she studies…) O! T-W-O…I wonder what THAT says…” Then you show her one finger, two fingers…and pretty soon she “knows” TWO! You can do this all through your day–“I see a sign with an S! Do you?” “Can you find something that starts with a BBBBB–B?” “Going on a letter hunt….” Basically–all these letters and sounds–the more they are encased in play, the more your child will learn from the inside out. Make sense? FUN! And delicious, as you cook together 🙂
  • Limit all things screens–this I cannot reiterate enough.
  • Encourage her to write letters to others and mail them. She may want to draw only a picture, AND she can always sign her name. Practice practice from a fun angle. No pressure–“Are you going to sign with ALL your letters or just some?”
  • Sing songs. Really! Singing is a form of story telling that delights all.   
  • NO need for flash cards–not in terms of intentionally “teaching her.” Instead, just have them available for play. Maybe play matching games with her–have two decks and take 10 or so of same letters and play concentration (you know, flip them over so letters can’t be seen then each of you take turns turning over two to see if they match…?) Or play a game of choosing one letter, placing it on the floor and then running all over the house finding things that have that letter in their name! No need to “correct” her when she says the ball she found to put next to the letter T has a T in it. Just go with it for now. Make it a game of listening to sounds together.  
  • Sight words–again, that’s all about what is naturally around the house and when you are out and about. Recognizing a stop sign, exit sign, her name. Naturally memorizing a book and then reading it back to you on her own–she may not know each word, AND when kids can tell you the story through memory, this is an important building block for reading.
  • Make books! Kids her age often LOVE to fold construction paper, fill with blank pages inside and (perhaps with a chosen theme? Like the letter B?) draw, write, create a story. Sometimes we put the books together and then just had them out and available to fill. Sometimes they liked to create their own–mixing up sizes of paper and kinds of paper has a way of triggering even more creativity! Teeny books, big books, rectangle books, circle books… 🙂

When reading becomes a chore, kids grow to dislike reading. My husband, an elementary teacher for over 30 years, has seen many kids come to his third grade class resisting all things reading because it had been “forced” or pushed early on–too early, too hard.

Every child has their own timeline for reading. My youngest put it all together at age 9–prior to that she’d come to a screeching halt when she didn’t know a word. Would NOT go beyond it. She was a perfectionist and it “got in her way.” So what did we do? We read more and more, helped her “over” those unknown words, and then she fell in love with these super silly animal books at age 9 and PRESTO, she no longer worried about words she didn’t know. She is now working on her doctorate in Chemistry and reading books and articles that sound like a foreign language to me.

My eldest daughter’s deal was stubborness and control–because her mom (me!) was trying to “get” her to read (age 6 and 7). I had to back off. So at age 7 as I read to her every day we made a deal–she reads the first sentence of each chapter, I read the rest. I totally let go of trying to “get her” to read any more than that…and PRESTO! She relaxed, trusted I’d keep the deal, and soon she was so lost in books we STILL can’t get her “out” of one!!!! Ha. Hence the 12 banker-sized boxes of academic and pleasure books stacked in our garage awaiting her first home and the book-cases she intends to fill. Reading is a passion of hers, as is learning. 

Find Alice’s books here!

I hope this helps and I hope it inspires you as you look to creative ways to immerse your granddaughter in all things literacy through a play-based lens. I know schools are saying “read by 5!” This frustrates many–kids, parents, teachers alike–since it adds pressure that then displaces or removes just what kids need the most. To love reading!

I encourage you to TRUST the developmental process as you enrich your granddaughter’s environment through a literacy and play lens.”

Have fun!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020 Alice Hanscam

Talking About Covid-19 With Children

March 16, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships Comment

Because talking to our kids about Covid-19 is necessary as well as concerning, I’m sharing here a bit about different ages and the kinds of things I believe they are ready to hear…being open and honest about how life has changed for now is important, as well as being respectful of the developmental level of our child.

First, we need to calm ourselves down—how we feel directly impacts our children. It is okay to tell a child of any age that you are feeling worried about illness AND are making choices to be sure your family is healthy. They need to hear that they will be okay. So be sure to take care of YOU in any way you can . Need help with that? Ask me. I’ve got lots of self-care ideas for you.   

Babies and Toddlers? Little to nothing about the virus for these guys! It is more important to keep routines in place as much as possible—from sleep to meals to play. This helps them feel safe despite all the changes around them. A toddler can hear and practice that we wash our hands and catch our coughs in our elbows—all to be healthy and strong. Telling them, “We are playing at home for now. Daycare is closed and will open again when they are ready” is enough. Toddlers go with OUR flow—so role modeling healthy practices and being light-hearted about things keeps them doing and being the same.

Preschoolers? They need to hear from you that, yes, there’s lots of people getting sick AND we are working hard at being healthy. School closed until everyone feels better; we stay home while our office is cleaned; we will call and write Grammie instead of visit her. We want to keep our germs to ourselves! Showing them healthy practices and making it fun can turn this into a positive experience. Think washing hands in a sink full of bubbles! Remember, play is important for them to process feelings, so bring out that toy doctor kit and play away!

Elementary kids? They need to know that YES there is a new-to-us virus and we need time to build up our immunities, something our bodies do quite well at. Closing schools and other facilities helps keep us from all getting the virus at the same time which helps our doctors be able to take care of us if we need help.

Older elementary kids are ready to know more—what pandemic means, what scientists and doctors are doing, how restrictions can help all of us as tough as they are. Brainstorming with the elementary age group for how to have fun while also living the healthy practices being asked of us can bring children and parents together in positive ways.

Teens? They are ready for more info. However, it is important for limiting constant exposure to news for them (and us!!). Hearing the concerns and panic over and over again will only feed more of it. What we focus on grows, so lets be sure to focus on solutions and health. Ask them questions such as, “What have you heard today?” “What’s worrying you about today’s news?” And listen. Welcome their worry, express yours, and share what you are grateful for and appreciating within all this chaos.

Sharing in age-appropriate ways both the challenge AND the positive action being taken, a child can feel calmer and more in control. By showing our children what they can do, including them in on ideas for the family, and stop talking constantly about sickness keeps everyone’s focus on health and positive, productive actions. This is essential.

Keeping routines in place as much as possible for the younger ages helps them feel safe and therefore calmer despite the daily challenges this is bringing. It will help you, as well, for predictability is calming…:-). Go read those usual 4 books before nap, have a regular snack after nap time, keep blankies and special stuffed guys close. It makes a positive and reassuring difference.

Preserving plenty of time for play is key—it is through play our children process feelings. Bring out the toy doctor kit, have sick stuffed animals all lined up to get medicine, tell and make-up stories or read books about being healthy, being sick, feeling upset. And if there isn’t interest in these things, respect that. Your children will let you know how much they can take in about all that is going on, trust this.

Most importantly, choose to take care of your worries and as you share with your kids, know that less is often better. Let them ask for more information—pay attention to how much they can take in at one time, pay attention to how they react. Balance what and how much you talk about this by how your child responds.

Find Alice’s books here!

You’ve got this! Our children (and all of YOU) are resilient souls and this chaos brings us the opportunity to simplify, bring family closer, get creative, and actively love each other through it all.

Thinking of all of you,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam

We Need to KNOW and Say NO

November 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…

…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?

…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?

…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody? 

…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?

…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?

I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.

How would your CHILD feel if…

…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?

…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?

…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?

…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?

…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?

I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.   

And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.

Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.

Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.

Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.

Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning.  All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.

Instead, they become passive.

They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life.  And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols. 

Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.

Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung. 

Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.

When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned.  And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.

This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.

Consider brain development.

Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.

What CAN we do?

Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.

PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.

Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.

Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights. 

PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.

PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:

Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.

Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.

Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.

Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination.  How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…

Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.

I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.

To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.

Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.

That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.

In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.

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It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.

Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam