digital devices

Tag: digital devices

It’s All About Relationship

June 29, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I found myself talking with a mother of three the other day. All that she shared is very much what I and many of my colleagues hear constantly.

We are overwhelmed when it comes to managing, balancing, understanding our children’s online exposure. And we are very, very worried. Exasperated, too. Throwing in the towel, looking the other way, or rolling up our sleeves and diving in–probably with a lot of emotional reactivity involved. Because we are overwhelmed.

It’s one thing to limit device time. But what about all the rabbit trails, inappropriate and scary trails our children are exposed to as they, perhaps purposefully or accidentally view, say, porn or a really scary video clip, step into social media bullying, or a You Tube that really was never meant for them?

HOW do we manage and balance all of these unknowns that are increasing in seemingly infinite ways?

HOW do we parent well, keep our children safe, control usage and exposure, say NO to video games, feel confident our schools are supporting this endeavor to lessen screen time…and on and on?

It’s exhausting.

We can go round and round about Apps for security, turning off wifi, controlling everything our children do, blocking this, blocking that, spend hours learning about how to block this and block that. Then find out our child got involved in unhealthy online activity at a friends house, or on the playground, or at lunch with buddies, or as they scrolled through their Smart Phone in the backseat of the car. No wonder we are overwhelmed.

Really, what CAN we do??

Focus on relationship.

Here’s the deal. No matter the extent to which you find ways to control, limit, balance all things digital and the rabbit trails awaiting any of us as we go online, it’s going to happen. Our children ARE going to be exposed to less than wonderful things. They ARE going to get upset, scared, hurt. In some ways, this has always been a part of growing, prior to being engulfed by screens. It is different now, though, for the engulfment has opened up the world and our children really aren’t developmentally READY for all of that. And it is nearly impossible to be the filter for it all that we’d like to be.

So we need to focus on our relationship. THIS we can control.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

They need to KNOW we will be right there, alongside them, listening, exploring, helping them process their feelings in healthy ways. Not punishing. Not yelling. Not hiding under the covers. Not grabbing their device and refusing to ever let them on it again.

Instead, we need to be WITH them. Listening. Sharing our concerns, as well. Sharing what we know and see and understand about too much too soon. Brainstorming what can help, what they feel they need and want to do. Be there. Calmly. Respectfully. Connected.

THIS is how children can take the overwhelming confusion and perhaps fear and (eventually) move through it in healthy ways. It doesn’t take away what they were exposed to, but with YOU as the safe, secure, compassionate resource for them, they can more likely do the processing and letting go necessary to move forward.

Any challenges in life, when dealt with within a healthy, close, loving relationship can be better navigated and more likely in the healthy ways we want the most. How WE decide to be as our child struggles is where we can influence our relationships.

We can…

…Focus first on ourselves, PAUSE (deep breath? A bit of time?), calm down our anxiety as much as possible, consider just what you really want (beyond all of this to go away!) for your child, your relationship, and THEN step back in and respond to your child. It really does make a difference, even when you find yourself doing or saying things you wish you could back track on; have a do-over for. Just the fact they are being said from a calmer, more respectful place keeps you more likely connected to your child in relationship-building ways.

…Listen, first and foremost following your PAUSE. “Tell me more” is a great way to begin your listening. Affirm their feelings. Ask them questions. Explore together what you (and they) are learning about online activity, screen use, its impact on our well-being. Consider steps you can take. Try out ones your child suggests. Be gently firm with your “no” when you need to say NO. Remember, you are the parent and saying NO is necessary at times to help your child figure out more about who s/he is.

...Take a look around your home environment and be sure exposure to devices and online activity reflects what you truly want for your child. This means taking a careful look at how you use devices, too. Our children are watching.

…Seek to understand more about what research and experts are saying. Explore what is available for filtering carefully what your kids are exposed to.

…Talk to other parents! Build your community of families who are also working hard at creating a healthy emotional and physical environment for their children–I’ve met many who have connected with parents of their kids’ friends, shared concerns, swapped ideas, and ultimately worked together to send the same messages to all their children–and it changes how those children then connect, play, live. Support is essential.

…Re-discover all your children CAN do instead of defaulting to screens. Ideas include all kinds of arts and crafts (simple and complex), beading, painting, playing music, disappearing into their room to re-organize and sort, listening to audio books, reading, redecorating their rooms, make cards and write letters, BAKE–hand a school aged child a cookbook and say GO, knit, crochet, build things, go OUTSIDE, bike, build forts, play cards, play games–board and outdoor ones, sit and daydream, pull out the Lego box…so MANY things can be done besides handing them your phone to entertain them. Yes, even in the car.

…Notice when you feel really good about your relationship with your child–those times that leave you smiling, feeling a full heart, delighting in time spent, knowing without a doubt you’ve connected with your child in a meaningful way. Notice. What we focus on grows–so let your noticing of these times encourage you to do MORE of whatever you’ve discovered about those times.

We may never be able to feel fully confident about how our technology driven life-styles and world is influencing us.

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

This is the magic of TRUST. When your child can trust that you will be there to help her navigate all things in life in a calm and connected way, you now are more likely to find balancing and managing all things screens to be way less overwhelming. For everything you do will be run through the filter of RELATIONSHIP and your child will more likely make healthier, more productive, often way more FUN choices in life.

Because they have YOU.

Be sure to check out the Screen Time Action Network for all kinds of incredible support, community, experts, guidance!

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Digital Wellness in an Era of Distraction

April 11, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Digital Wellness. Essential for parenting and living well. Heads up–a bit of snarky voice (initially) to follow…I hope you’ll stay with me…:

Not a big deal, right? I mean, you still glance up from your phone and smile and say, “Good job!” as your child seeks your attention as they work at something difficult or fun.

And hey, Baby is nursing away–seems like a good time to check your texts and scroll through your Facebook account. Baby is suckling away and you DO nuzzle that adorable chubby hand that finds its way up to your face.

Getting caught up in general on your phone while giving your kids the opportunity to roar around at the park makes sense, too, right? I mean, hey–they really don’t NEED you…

And isn’t it incredibly awesome how your 9-month-old knows just how to swipe your cell’s screen to change pictures?! Boy, he already knows how to work with technology!

Oh! And the App says, “Promotes Creativity in Children.” Perfect. Creativity, we all know, is essential for healthy brains. On the iPad your little one goes to manipulate pictures, watch, swipe, choose from pretty icons, squeal as it flashes “Good job! You did it right!” Or some such approval.

Okay. YES. I’m being a bit snarky. I apologize for the snarky. Every single one of the above examples we have all experienced/done in one way or another. Often, probably. Myself, included–not so much when I was a young mother since we didn’t have these devices, and definitely more so in recent years. And we do the above more so now because devices have become increasingly essential for so much of the work we do and life we live. AND…I stand by what I’m going to say next. Fully.

Our attention to our devices and the times

our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,

and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,

and emotional development.

They are undermining real and foundational learning that can translate to a child through the years having increased difficulty in school, with friends, with you, with life.

Parenting can get more difficult, you can feel greater anxiety, and yes–there is a higher likelihood for your child to experience emotional crises come teen years. Look at the research. Anxiety, depression, and suicide have rocketed up these recent years for our teens. Scary, I know.

Stay with me here.

Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional

experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.

I know this sounds both scary and perhaps maddening–you already work so hard at parenting well! I ultimately want to empower you for that is what will really start making the positive difference necessary. To empower you to become increasingly Tech Intentional so digital wellness thrives in your family.

Your Baby happily nursing while your eyes are on your phone? Baby is learning little about the natural give and take of facial expressions–truly early “conversation.” And this lovely give and take that I KNOW you are familiar with–those times you gaze at that busily nursing baby, their eyes flick open and catch your eyes. You pause. They pause. A milky smile spreads across their face. Their hand reaches up to touch your face. You continue to gaze and twinkle and talk softly–those times?

They are ESSENTIAL.

This is how a baby starts growing that strong foundation for the future. For giving them the emotional resilience and understanding necessary to navigate all ups and downs in life. For all things RELATIONSHIP. For feeling wonderfully safe and secure and able to explore their world, your face, your variety of expressions and begin to process them.

Without this connection? When it is regularly displaced by attention to a phone? It builds at best a shaky foundation from which your then older baby and young child cannot process what they need in order to understand their world. Because it is on top of a foundation weakened from too little practice with all things essential for young children.

Life is already difficult. Adding this layer of distraction makes it overwhelmingly difficult.

Your 5-year-old totally immersed in markers and paper who then pauses to show you or comment about something on his paper and you are focused on your phone…look up and say a random “good job!”? You are communicating–unintentionally–disconnect. Your child? He is learning only that his work is either “right” because you said, “good job!” or that his work isn’t important because you totally missed the boat with “good job!”

Instead, with your presence–even as you perhaps clean up the dishes while he is working with markers and paper–your ability to really hear what he says, or recognize (because you are tuned in as you bustle around the kitchen, unlike our brains on a phone–less able to tune in to those deeper needs) that he is frustrated or hopeful or expressing real MAD as he draws…

…now you actually respond in a way that makes

sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m

curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now

you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”

And you really do.

That time at the park? It can be a wonderful time to actually connect with other parents. Or not and find time to just think your own thoughts. Our brains do well with this AND stay tuned in and aware of our kids periodically looking our way for understanding, bolstering, comfort. And they do–often–look our way. Being tuned into that speaks volumes to a child. Volumes. It is how they continue to strengthen their inner selves, their emotional resilience. And it strengthens our relationships with our children.

That App that “Promotes Creativity?” Again–screen time does NOT fire away the neurons in the brain in the rich and necessary way for healthy growth. What does? Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based exploration. Exploration that allows them to use their OWN ideas. Not the movie Frozen’s idea. Not Star Wars ideas. No. Their OWN. To process, think, mull over, practice, decide for themselves just what their play is going to express and look like.

THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and

self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.

Baby knowing just how to swipe the screen? Entertaining for us and that is all it is. Confusing for a baby who is trying to understand their world and that understanding? It comes from give and take with real objects in real time. Always.

This is the bottom line–

The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.

Start TODAY in choosing otherwise for your child. Start TODAY to be intentional with your use.

Pause before you hand them a screen to-WHEW-give you a break. Pause…and consider if you are able to handle their big upset knowing you are doing them a favor by sitting in it with them rather than distracting them with a screen.

Put your phone away as much as possible while you are at the park. Even just for a bit of the time can make a real and positive difference. (Sometimes getting caught up on messages now is important for our focused time with our children later.) Watch your children play. See what you notice. Learn a bit more about who they are as they tackle difficult climbing toys or negotiate with other children. Be available to exchange smiles, waves, “I see you’s!”

Give your Baby your full presence while nursing or bottle feeding. Let your gaze linger no matter where their gaze is. For when you stay focused on them it means you will fully engage when they open their beautiful eyes to find you. What a way to nurture a deep bond with your little one!

Pull out the play-dough, the books, the little toy animals. Put away the iPad with the “creative app.” Pretty awesome what can unfold as your child gets lost in their own imagination…

Busy yourself in the kitchen or doing laundry or weeding or other hands-on chore while your child immerses herself in art or Lego or play. This way you CAN be tuned in and aware. And when you need to be on your device? Let your child know to expect this and that when you are done, you will check back in with them. What a difference this can make!

Try it today. Work on YOUR use of your devices. Focus on what digital wellness can look like in your family by starting with yourself and how your intention to bring real balance in can impact the health and well-being of yourself and your children.

.

Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.

Find Alice’s books here!

Tip the balance. Start today. Bolster YOUR self. Ask for help. Talk to friends. Create ways for YOU to be successful as you work at lessening your screen use and becoming more intentional with it so you can parent well, successfully, with greater confidence, presence, and all things relationship-building. Let Digital Wellness be the focus in your family.

You may find this clip from the Children’s Screen Time Action Network to be helpful: Young Children and Technology: Risks and Hopes

Thank you for listening. Let me know how I can help YOU.

I care.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Our Babies and Our Attention

March 14, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments

“Without secure attachment, a baby can grow up more anxious and less durable in the long run. Without the opportunity to closely study a caregiver’s mouth and expressions, language development can lag. A child could miss out on learning the vital skill (for survival in life and in business) of learning to read faces.

Research is beginning to indicate that if the view of a caregiver’s face is blocked by a device or if a very young child is left to spend too much time in a 2-D screen environment, the trajectory of brain development can be altered, as in the newly-discovered syndrome seen in toddlers, Virtual Autism.” (Jenifer Joy Madden, “Parents Didn’t Need to Think Much About Attachment Until Now”)

Alice’s thoughts:

Continual Partial Attention–this is what can unfold as a result of our use of our devices and it is of great concern.

Think about our babies. We take care to think about how we’ll set up our little one’s sleep space, what kind of diapering experience we want, when we’ll start solid foods, how to childproof our homes, what kind of carseat we want.

We take care to choose a pediatrician we like, to have the right clothing available for our little one, to sign up for childbirth classes and lactation specialists, and find the right pacifiers, bottles, formula.

And we certainly care about–deeply–our attachment and bond with our baby. We know how key this is for healthy growth and development. And it is. Our baby’s attachment to us is her foundation for everything healthy from here on out. Everything.

And it is technology and our digital devices, in the quest for easier/faster/better, that can be a serious roadblock for All Things Healthy for Baby (and beyond…).

Something now required and often forgotten is taking care with the media environment we set up and live within so it can best support the growth of our Baby (and all our children). We need to think about our use and our baby’s exposure, the habits we form or continue to have with our digital devices. We need to be aware and clear. We need to be proactive. We need to have a media plan in place, just like we have diapers, bottles, pediatrician, carseat, clothing in place. We need to be ridiculously intentional.

Why?

Technoference–one name for the continual partial attention as a result of our devices. It is interrupting our baby’s ability to develop a healthy and necessary attachment to us. Something none of us ever intend. When we have our phone in hand as we tend to our little ones, it vies for our attention and often “wins.” We glance, we scroll, we check for updates, we text, we post. It can seem relatively harmless and yet it isn’t. Our babies need our full and responsive attention. Read more about that here: The Cost of Smart Phones…

When we use a screen to occupy Baby we are displacing just what they need the most–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body, relationship based experiences. That 2 dimensional screen? It does little to nothing for building all those neural networks in their brains…and it undermines the healthy growth we intend for our little one, ultimately making our job harder, our relationships more challenging. I know I’ve written plenty on this

Our undistracted, respectful attention is essential for developing the kind of bond our babies need to grow well. A responsive, tuned-in-to-baby’s-rhythm caregiver attends to Baby in just the ways Baby needs. Now Baby’s needs can be answered in a timely and more accurate way, Baby gets the essential practice at facial expressions, hears increasingly rich and pertinent-to-them language, grows their awareness and understanding of feelings–ours and their own. Key for later learning to manage all those rather volcanic feelings (think 4-year-old!).

This is the foundation for trust, emotional regulation, a healthy brain that is full of all those essential connections. For imagination and creativity. For problem solving and their own focused attention. And these are the foundation for successful learning all through life.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Today, tomorrow, and on–PAUSE. Think with care about the media environment your little one is growing within or being born into. Be intentional with how you address it, change it, change what you do. Our little ones deserve our best and need it so they can be their best. What a gift to all our children. What a gift to ourselves as we experience the closeness and connection with our child that has all of us better able to thrive.

Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A Favorite Way to Play!

November 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

Looking for (digital-free) ways to play? Here’s one of my favorites…

Home-made play-dough!

(Recipe at end of post 🙂

)

Good for toddlers through teens (ever given a group of teens play-dough to have fun with??)…no need to provide anything else, initially–just warm, off the stove, home-made play-dough to poke, squish, pound, flatten, roll, stack, pinch, and squish all over again!

Want to lengthen and evolve the play? Try adding a butter knife for cutting and pieces of drinking straws (we like to cut them into 1 inch pieces or so…). Toothpicks for older than toddler are fun, too. Porcupines made, candles to be blown out, little holes and circles made to decorate.

Add a spatula and a plate for serving up Play Dough Cake! Or Play Dough Pizza… 🙂 Cookie cutters are fun, too.

Our daughters loved collecting a few of their small plastic animals and making animal play dough parades…walking their toy critters across play-dough for guessing “Whose foot prints are THOSE, Mommy?!”

Or squishing play-dough saddles on top of each critter…or making nests and “beds” for them to sleep in. Add a small muffin tin and then the play starts all over again–filling, making pies, cupcakes, or rolling little pieces of play-dough into balls and filling each muffin tin.

So much learned and experienced as your child squishes and pounds and plays. Creativity and focused attention nurtured; getting lost in their own imagination–something key for healthy growth; small motor skills encouraged; math galore as they help you measure and mix, as they fill and empty and add and lengthen and cut and shorten; feelings soothed; truly a hands on, sensory rich experience that truly grows healthy brains!

When done? Just plop it all into a ziplock bag or other airtight container and save for the next time Play-Dough Fun is to be had!

Enjoy! My favorite play-dough–especially when first off the stove and warm!

Here’s to you today as you look for ways to play…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

“Technoference” and Your Child

March 15, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Technoference. (Check out this 2018 article: Kids are starting a revolution to get their parents to put down their phones )

Now THERE’s a new word. Here’s the deal. I speak to this often and I am grateful for research to be showing how crucial this is…

What I see more and more is how often parents are missing essential cues to their child’s feelings. With our attention often consumed by our digital devices, or our attention divided because of our digital device, we are more likely creating more of the very behavior issues we’d love to see less of.

More temper tantrums. More frustrated children, more acting up in general. And then we often dive into our device to escape from the very same…

The result? Relationships become depleted. And children have less opportunity to learn how to manage themselves, understand their feelings, know what healthy relating looks like, feel accepted and loved, feel safe and secure….

…and less opportunity to feel the connection that is relationship-building and absolutely essential for growing well.

I see it often. At the store. On walks. In parks. At schools. And, sadly, in cars…at pick up and drop off at school…

What happens? A parent is paying attention to their phone. Their child asks something. Or is intently gazing at something with concern. Or sees something that lights up their face.

Parent misses this.

Child now asks louder. Whining. Tugging on the arm. Parent gets irritated. Or throws out a “Not now.” Or, “What?” Or, “Hmmmm?” while still engaged with their phone, maybe throwing a quick glance at their child to smile, then right back to their phone. Important text or Facebook feed, right? (Snarky, I know)

Or child’s concern, now missed, has child shrinking in their seat a bit further, feeling even more worried, not knowing how to digest, process, manage, understand this feeling…or perhaps getting more upset and expressing their concern in less-than-wonderful ways. Like screeching. At the top of their lungs.

Or child who has lit up over something they saw, turns to their parent to share their delight and finds their parent totally dis-connected...or rather, deeply connected to their phone. Now that delight has no one to share it with. No one to name it, acknowledge it, take it further and truly enjoy it.

Now what? Seemingly small moments, yes. AND they add up in tremendous ways. To the point where parents have less understanding of their child’s mental and emotional state and intentions and more difficulty reading their children’s feelings, as this article speaks of.

And when these moments are missed on a regular basis, a child no longer can truly learn about themselves…the world…relationships. A parent misunderstands their child, has greater difficulty working through problems and emotional duress with their child, just plain doesn’t really know their child to the depths that they could.

As this article speaks to, our digital distraction “potentially displaces opportunities for parent-child connection important to child health and development.” And another speaks about the dangers of distracted parenting.

It all comes down to connection.

Just as the children in Germany this article follows speak of. Just as each of us so heavily desire and seemingly fulfill through our devices and then wonder why we are having an increasingly difficult time with our children.

Connection. Relationship-building connection–in real time.

Present. Engaged. Letting a bit of wonder, curiosity,

and authentic BEING in.

Today, put your phone down. Turn it to silent, tuck it away. Maybe for a bit, maybe longer. Watch your child play at the park. Stay present to your grocery store trip so you can stay present to your child’s experience at the store. Greet your child with your full-on SELF as they climb into the backseat at pick-up time after school. Eye contact. Smiles. Listening.

Your phone and texts and all things social media really can wait a bit. Most of the time. Really. And as you work at staying more fully present to your child you will start noticing so many cool things to emerge. I’m betting you’ll find yourself a bit calmer.

You’ll more likely be understanding, delighting in, becoming aware of things about your child that grow your relationship in essential ways.

You’ll more likely be feeling so much better about your time that when you do let your child know you need to tend to your phone, it will be okay. For you DO need to tend to it–that’s life. Yet now you can do so with the awareness of how it can impact and the clear intention to use it productively. Guilt will be less, patience will step up, creativity grows, things just feel BETTER.

Okay. Here’s to you today, and your child as you both work at the technoference that has become a reality. Be intentional in all you do. It matters.

You and your child are worth it.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Preschooler + Airplane = ?

October 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

A full airplane. A mama, grandmom, and 3.5-year-old. Mr. 3.5 was strapped into his carseat, fully FULLY engaged with peeling itty-bitty stickers off of a sticker sheet and ever-so-carefully poking them into place upon his knee.

Great concentration. Wonderful fine-motor work . Grandmom and Mama watching, occasionally commenting, definitely enjoying. Me, too. I was across the aisle.

Mr. 3.5 finished filling his knee with stickers, looked at the empty sticker sheet, and promptly began peeling each itty-bitty sticker off the knee he had just filled and transferring them one at a time to his OTHER knee.

Again, concentration. Focus. Total involvement. One finger poking them into place ever so carefully. Totally fun watching him do his work!

Mama and I spoke (really, how could I resist?!). I mentioned how focused and intent her little guy was and how cool it was to see him engaged in this rather than (and, yes, if you follow me you know what is coming next) being handed a screen to watch.

I mentioned how incredible this simple activity was for building his brain.

And Mama said, “We used to use screens. No more. He was diagnosed with speech delay. Ever since we focused on other activities for him, his speech has caught up!”

Mama was quite pleased, and then showed me the books they brought along for the ride, more stickers (since her son LOVED stickers!), and other airplane activities–including Grandmom–who, as the plane took off, pointed and talked and commented on all Mr. 3.5 was seeing out his window (a momentary pause from sticker work…)

Speech delay. Just one of the many things to be aware of as a result of your little one being exposed to too much screen time.

Think about it–each time they are “plugged in” there is LESS language and conversation from/with you. The language often used by us (if we use any at all) with our kids when they are “on a screen” is simplified to things like “push there/swipe that/see that.” Rarely the rich language we use in conversation or when involved in hands on activities or exploration.

And it is this rich language in real time with an important-to-them adult that has our little ones’ brains firing away, building all those neural pathways necessary for ALL things, speech included.

Even OUR screen time can be a part of a young child’s speech delay—the more we are distracted, the less we respond to our children in meaningful, rich, connected ways.

The more we CAN give our full presence no matter how brief, our respect as shown by our full presence, our meaningful words because now we are tuned in to just what they are doing or what we are trying to communicate to our little ones, the more THEY can grow in optimal ways. Simple. Hard at times. Often exhausting. And worth it.

Absolutely worth it.

And just think–when our children do have the ability to understand our meaningful and naturally more complex language AND speak (or sign!) it, it means LESS frustration and falling apart and acting out making our job just a bit easier. Now that’s something to think about!

Kudos to this Mama. She learned the hard and concerning way, intentionally created positive change, and glows as a result. Her son is thriving. And sleeping, now. Thank goodness because Mama was tired, too…. All that sticker work exhausted him!

A story to consider.

Check out the Screen Time Action Network for more help, resources, support, encouragement.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Commercialism and Our Children

August 5, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Something I’ve yet to directly address in my work is the commercialization of childhood and the marketing directed at our children. After a lengthy conversation with Susan Linn, author of Consuming Kids and The Case for Make Believe, I feel inspired to do so.

When our children are immersed in all the commercialization directed at them, unhappiness and unhealthy development ultimately reigns. As children grow, they are more likely to experience increased anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. By the time they are teens and young adults, this can be devastating.

It really does begin with our little ones and what we choose to let them see and do on digital devices, in the stores, online, in and with any media.

Whether it is buying a meal from a fast-food chain and getting whatever toy depicting whatever character from whatever Disney or Pixar movie tucked in their take-out bag, or immersed in video games or apps on their device, a child is being sold. Sold a brand. Sold an image of who Someone Else thinks they should be. Sold ideas and beliefs and ways of life. And the truly disturbing part of all this? It is rarely, if ever, for the good of the child.

It IS for money and power. Not our child’s power, but the companies and CEOs and the tech world’s power. If it was for the child’s power, then there would be NO marketing towards our little ones. Instead, we would see complete respect for childhood by protecting and defending what healthy development is. And now we would more likely have the healthy, successful, thriving adults, communities, and world we strive for.

That healthy development? Commercialism has no place in it.

Those cute little toys that depict your child’s favorite movie? It’s supporting the marketing directed at kids–watch our amazing movie and then you’ll want to buy our stuff, and then you’ll want to watch and buy even more. Rarely, if ever, are all those cute little toys something that enhances childhood. Typically a child will play with them based on how they saw them behave in the movie or video or ad they watched. Not their own ideas, but someone else’s. This may not seem like such a big deal, and it probably isn’t when it is just now and again. Yet over time and consumption hours, it becomes a very big deal. Our child is now being robbed of the opportunity to create and imagine her OWN ideas and thoughts. To decide for herself how she wants a doll to behave or what a cape is used for. Fast forward to teen years, and it can translate to believing someone else knows better how she is to clothe her body, use her body, what to put in her body.

Those video games and fun apps? Often “persuasively designed.” What does that mean? Designed to intentionally hook and even addict your child onto something that they will now want more of–and pester you until you buy more. And more. Video games ramp up with inappropriate content. Apps are sold to “make your child smarter!”, “learn to read faster!” and whatever other “bait” used to convince you this is for your child’s good.

It rarely is.

Those video games get worse. The violence alone should be enough to say no to them, but that “persuasive design” has our kids hooked. It can be hard to say NO to a teen who has flipped out or is incredibly depressed. And it just keeps getting worse. Why are these games continued to be developed? Because we (or at least our teens and young adults) buy them. Money and power, remember?

Something that really bothers me is how all of this marketing and commercialism emphasizes focusing “out there” on needing “things” in order to BE happy, smart, to have fun, to get exercise, to come up with way cool ideas.

It can rob our children of the necessary and important opportunities to…

…think their OWN thoughts, come up with their OWN ideas, decide what they like and don’t like and want to do based on healthy experiences with the world around them.

…discover and strengthen their resilience when facing challenges–resilience that requires time to reflect and think and be bored in order to tap into feelings and how to manage them. Resilience that requires persistence and determination as a child works through a problem or challenge in their own way.

…connect authentically and meaningfully with others and the world around them. Now their connections reflect more of what a certain character did–such as Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers back in my daughter’s preschool years. Kids “played” Ninjas and Power Rangers which meant they kicked and swept their arms around and pushed and hollered. It can seem cute to us when they copy the play of something they saw on TV or did on a device. Yet play? It is meant to be an expression of themselves from the inside out. A chance to work through feelings, to express and act upon ideas, to imagine and create. To think for themselves.

With necessary and healthy time protected from the commercialism that engulfs our culture, children grow from the inside out:

~ They can feel strong and answer many of their own needs from within themselves, rather than always seeking more more more from “out there” in order to feel good. Commercialism begets reactiveness. No way to live on a regular basis.

~ They have a profound ability to imagine, pretend, create–necessary for learning all through life.

~ They manage their OWN feelings and understand them so much better. This self-regulation? It is key for living and relating well; for developing compassion and empathy; for understanding another’s perspective.

~ They learn productive ways to negotiate with a buddy, to listen to someone else’s ideas, collaborate, create, and then act upon them. This exchanging of ideas with another? This is very different from seeing a video and getting ideas from it. With a person, in real time, there is a richness, there is meaning, there is true hands-on, sensory and language rich collaboration within a relationship. Everything a child needs to grow well.

We need to push back on marketing directed at our children. We need to help our children recognize when advertising is directed at them and how wrong that can be. We need to take care in the choices we make as we move through our days–take care in the apps, games, print material, stores, videos, shows, etal that we allow our children to use, play, read, immerse themselves in. We need to be clear on what our children need the most to develop well from one age to the next. We need to protect our children from a culture immersed in commercialism and give them the time and space to BE children.

Now they are more likely to become adults who can live life

balanced, recognizing their own needs, feeling their own power, and standing strong in what is right and good as they, too, bring

children into the world.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Baby Needs to Thrive in Age of Technology

July 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

You are about to welcome in a new baby. Or maybe just have.

Congratulations!

Feeling confident and competent as a parent, deeply and wonderfully connected with your little one(s) is what we hope and strive for as we welcome children into our lives.

It can be daunting, thinking of the responsibilities we have as parents; it can be challenging as we go through periods of uncertainty and exhaustion; it can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your (and your baby’s) life.

You’ve set yourself up with a growing understanding of feeding, bathing, diapering, sleeping, care-giving in general. Time to also consider how to set up the tech environment your baby will be raised in. A bit surprising to have to think of this and incredibly essential to do so for growing the healthy, loving, deeply connected relationship you intend; crucial for supporting your little one’s optimal brain growth; critical for healthy growth and development to excel.

What do babies need to thrive?

A tuned-in, responsive care-giver, answering their needs in a timely and respectful manner, being present and focused especially during care-giving moments—feeding, diapering, assisting sleep, bathing…

What do parents strive for?

Healthy and deeply connected relationships with their little ones; feeling confident and capable throughout their parenting journey; thriving children and families. Some things to think about:

• Consider relationships in your life that you relish. What helps you feel and nurture the deep connection that define these?
• What does connection look and feel like as you relate in-person with others you feel close to?
• When have you felt best about connecting meaningfully with another?
• Consider times you’ve felt truly confident and capable; what would it be like to feel this way as you parent your little one? How can being intentional with the environment you set up support you in this?
• In what ways has technology enhanced the most meaningful relationships in your life?
• In what ways has technology detracted from connecting meaningfully with another?

What do you need to know?

Being tech aware and intentional with your use, your baby’s use and exposure, you are more likely to foster the healthy and deeply connected relationships that can have your baby thriving. Key issues include:

• How screens impact your baby’s healthy brain development—what screen use can be healthy, what is not. FaceTime with a grandparent with you there, talking and interacting can be a wonderful way to nurture connected relationships; plunking your baby by themselves in front of a device counters this healthy development. It is in the first 3 years that our brains develop the most rapidly, and it is with hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship and whole-body based experiences that this occurs. Screens displace these experiences, impeding our baby’s brain development.
• Your awareness of and respect for baby’s rhythms and your ever-growing understanding of your little one’s communications are key for answering their needs; Your responsiveness to baby’s coos, cries, smiles, gurgles, and wiggles is the essential socialization and communication foundational for healthy physical and emotional development, as well as relationships. Your timely responsiveness is key for baby to feel settled and secure and able to grow well. Distraction by and overuse of our devices while with baby undermines this.
• Providing baby with devices to be entertained or distracted by undermines her ability to self-regulate and communicate her needs; displaces crucial social emotional time with her primary caregivers (you!); interrupts the development of a healthy brain; displaces the meaningful and responsive connection with and from you that is key for your baby to grow optimally.

There are important and at times seemingly little moments to pay attention to. They can be easily missed if we are distracted by our devices. Our ability to respond appropriately and timely is key. These little moments? They become the foundation for the warm and wonderful relationship you intend to build. They become the foundation for all future learning.

How can you create a healthy tech environment that supports and fosters healthy growth and relationships?

Consider your use of devices and how they step up to enhance or detract connecting meaningfully and accurately (in regards to understanding your baby’s expression of needs). Ideas:

Put your phone down and perhaps out of sight and silenced as you feed, converse, diaper, bathe, or otherwise interact with your baby. Give them the gift of your full attention as much as you can.
Turn off background noise from devices (certain kinds of music being the exception) to better support your little one’s ability to fully focus on and appropriately explore and engage their environment; to engage YOU.
Be sure to, when needing to use a device, speak directly with your baby about what you will be doing and when they can expect your full attention once again. This communicates respect; and with your consistent follow through, you communicate trust–baby can count on what you say you mean and will do. Relationship-building.

Consider our knowledge that little to no screen time for our babies and toddlers is essential for their healthy development. Know that providing lots of free time to explore, stretch on a blanket on the floor, look at and touch objects (and you!)–all with your responsive self tuned in to when needs emerge–will support the growth of a little one able to self-regulate, feel secure and safe, able to play “on their own” for stretches of time. No need to distract with a screen. And now their brains are growing exponentially!

Consider background noise from devices and televisions—as a regular occurrence these distract and interrupt your little one’s ability to attend to their own explorations of their world; it can limit imagination and reflection time necessary for growing from the inside-out–key for self-regulating, problem solving, feeling capable and competent, for all learning! This includes those constant text pings even though your phone is tucked away.

Be intentional with how and when you use your devices so they no longer impede your baby’s development and your deepening bond with them. Be intentional with how you think forward through the early years—just what can be healthy use especially in regards to how children learn by hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.

Questions to ask yourself

What are some steps you will take today with your tech use to ensure your ability to deposit fully into your relationship with your little one?

What are some things you can do differently in your home as you consider a healthy tech environment for your little one?

How would it feel to know you are providing your child with all that they need to thrive?

Be tech intentional with your environment, your use, your baby’s exposure. Know that this can help you foster the development of a healthy brain, ready for all future learning and nurture a relationship you will cherish. Really! Now go enjoy welcoming in your new little one and feel confident you are providing her with all that she needs to thrive.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Rooted in Place

April 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, School and education, Screen Time and Technology Comment

From a Mama to me to you:

“Somehow it would be lovely to get the message out that we will be OK and thrive and be successful and we can do it with the resources we have at home. We don’t need screens to come in and save us.

Our job as parents right now is to take a deep breath and just give lots of love. If all we do is read books and love our children all the way up to the 17-year-olds in AP physics to those of us with little ones, we will be more than OK.

…these devices seem to say you need this to teach your children which implies an inadequacy. We want to give parents back the competency they innately do have. Screens take away parent skills and (undermine) competency of being present.” (Mama who is sheltering in place)

Alice’s take: Know that, even as schools and life seem to demand being on a screen in order to live well right now, this, too is a choice and in some ways a message that we need screens to come in and save us. We DO require and are grateful for our knowledge and availability of screen technology to shop, connect, be informed. Absolutely. I am looking forward to my cribbage game tonight with another family via Zoom!

I also question the need we are told we have for relying on it to educate our children during this crisis. That we have to continue on with formal education because interrupting this timeline will be devastating.

The more I connect with individuals and organizations intent on supporting parents without an abundance (or even any) screen use for their children, the more I am grounded in extending to each of you the realization that YOU are enough. That experiencing life right now can be enough. That we have rich learning experiences throughout our days sheltering in place at home. And when we recognize this and use them, our children can feel our steadying presence, learn about the world around them, tap into their inner selves…

….they can feel rooted in place (literally so as we shelter in place), busy growing upward and outward BECAUSE they are rooted in place, just as seedlings do, just as these photos from the Mama I quoted sent of something she is doing with her children. Rich learning that taps into an abundance of growth.

It includes the science, math, language, inner awareness, creativity, hands-on, relationship based learning that has our children thriving. This Mama? She hopes the metaphor also impacts her children in affirming ways–that they, too, are quite literally rooted in place in their small apartment AND growing up and out…just as they should.

And that can be enough right now. For a long time, actually.

It requires us to remember and tap into and grow our own capable and competent selves that we innately are. It requires us to let go of formal timelines and recognize the bigger picture of life right now. Who do we want our children to grow into? What are we choosing to do right now that best supports our vision for them? How can you feel YOU are enough? For you are. Try planting some seeds today. Use a glass jar and let your child observe as the roots spread downward and the growth spreads up and out. So much learning! And know that this can be enough.

Sending you love and encouragement each day,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

So Many Ways To Play!

March 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I was so discouraged by an article in the NYTimes with a pediatrician putting a stamp of approval on way more screen time right now, as we live through our pandemic and all the restrictions, demands, chaos, CHANGE it requires.. There is SO much more we can do! Saving screen use for when you are truly at the end of your rope keeps it where it needs to stay–minimal, balanced, managed. It is clear to me PLAY needs to come to the forefront once again.

Ideas for indoor PLAY for you:

…make an obstacle course via furniture, pillows, whatever you want, and challenge your kids to it. Or rather, set your kids off to make one for YOU! Or for each other. Hand over a timer for them to see how fast they can navigate it…or how slow…or by crawling or going backwards or…

…bring that wading pool indoors–empty, of course–and then put a tub in the middle of it filled with whatever you like–water, sand, beans, dirt, snow. Add something to dig with or fill or wash and you have wonderful “messy” play contained in that wading pool.

…piles of cushions, add a few chairs, maybe a table and you have fort making material! A blanket or two, maybe a great big cardboard box or multiple small ones. So much play emerges from these! Forts are for hiding in, playing in, curling up with a pile of books within.

…pull out dress-up clothes! Remember those? Shoes, boots, hats, capes, aprons, dresses. Or maybe give them paper bags and tape and let them create their own, as our girls’ often did.

…strip your kids down (or not), let them use their tempera (washable!) paints in the bathtub. Our girls loved to stand in the tub and cover the tile and tub with all kinds of designs and colors…then all you have to do is turn on the water and presto! It all goes down the drain. Though if your kids are like mine, they’ll first fill the tub with water and watch it turn brown with all the colors mixed, languish a bit, then watch it swish down the drain. Showers follow! Oh the fun!

…make a pot of playdough and add some butter knives, cut-up straws, toy animals. Or put a selection of ingredients like baking soda, vinegar, cereal bits, flour, old seasonings and water on a tray on the table and let them mix and create.

…set up the camping tent in the middle of the room. Add a few flashlights and sleeping bags and step back. Watch the play that emerges! Maybe the next day a saucepan, spoon and snacks are added for “cooking” over a “campfire.”

…take time after kids are asleep to uniquely set up some of their toys–we used to take all their plastic animals and make them parade somewhere unusual…and when our kids discovered them the next day, it triggered so much imaginative play!

…another tub fun is shaving cream…:-)

…include your children in whatever needs to get done–cooking, cleaning, laundry. Children often willingly want to mix, sort, scrub, “play” in the soapy dish water.

…BOOKS! Read read read read read. MUSIC! Sing, dance, hop, jump, twirl. Audio books!!! Listen and delight together (or let them on their own).

…hand over pencil and paper and maybe a few envelopes and get the letter writing started. Or maybe just markers and scissors and glue. Take a shoebox and cut a slit in the top and declare it to be your mailbox–let your kids mail you wonderful little bits of things they make!

…pull out games. Board games, card games, marble games, jump-roping games, made up games.

…stuffed animals, dolls, puppets, a puppet show! Get the pretend doctor kit out (or let your kids create their own) and take care of sick stuffed guys.

…use that shoebox as the start of a play-kit–maybe make it a medical one or maybe one for creating something fun. Add glue, tape, popsicle sticks perhaps, whatever you’ve got that kids can create with. If you go medical theme, add bandaids, cotton balls, pretend medicine, whatever you can think of (or they think of). Theme up a box and let the exploration and fun unfold.

...bake, cook, create recipes. Set your kids up to make their own snacks and lunches so you don’t have to.

…Lego, blocks, puzzles, duplos, dollhouses, dolls. Face painting! We loved setting up a mirror low enough for kids, giving them facepaint, and being oh-so-surprised with what they created on themselves!

…and yes, OUTDOORS. Go outside as much as possible, even if it just in your yard or around the block. The outdoors offers endless play–from watching clouds, to following critter footprints in the snow, to splashing in puddles, swinging, climbing, playing tag, building forts, sledding, taking a walk…use a real camera, hand over a magnifying glass, ride bikes…

There are so many things to do! I hope you’ll share your ideas here, as well. Everyone needs encouragement as we find ourselves more and more sequestered at or near home. Screen-time does not have to be the default, for (as many of you know) the more we use it, the harder our job gets. So let’s focus on healthy PLAY.

And remember…take time for YOU, in little bits if that’s all you can do. Breathe deeply. Enjoy your favorite hot drink. Stand extra long in a hot shower. Pause and just watch as your child is engrossed in play.

Here’s to all of you during this crazy time!

Respectfully and with JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Rivalry! Sisters, brothers, cell phones…

March 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Sibling rivalry.

You know, the whining, fighting, crying, tugging, hitting…and how it drives us crazy, worries us, leaves us wondering if there’ll EVER be peace in the household?

I know, you are thinking I’m talking about your child’s relationship with their sister or brother and that maybe I’ll have some words of wisdom to help you with all that sibling rivalry .

What I want you to consider is this–I’m actually talking about your PHONE. Yes. Your phone. And yes, I’ll talk more about those brother and sister challenges…

Here’s the deal.

With more and more of our attention being drawn to all-things-phone–even when we THINK we are listening to our child, what our child is feeling is the competition for our attention.

Think of it this way–your phone has become your child’s rival.

And they whine. Drop to a puddle around our feet. Tell us loud and clear, “You aren’t LISTENING with your EYES!” Pick fights with others around them to get our attention. Hit. Grab. Want equal time on our phone–whether it is to figure out this rival for our attention and maybe be RID of it or discover just what it is we are so fascinated about that they decide this must be how life is to be experienced and they want to be a part of this life–hence more a part of yours.

Connection. That is what they are seeking and will look for it any way they can, productive and healthy or not 🙂 .

Sibling rivalry among children is normal. It can be healthy. It is always an opportunity for the kids involved to learn a bit more about negotiating, problem solving, collaboration, compromise. It can truly be relationship-building as we join alongside our kids to help them out with all the big and loud feelings involved. Connection can more likely be at the forefront. Big feelings are learned about and better managed. I could go on and on…

Sibling rivalry with our phones is relationship-depleting. DIS-connecting. Interrupting. It communicates, “You aren’t important enough to give my full attention to.” “My ‘life’ on my phone is what is my priority.” “THIS is how our day/life is supposed to be spent.” “I’d rather constantly put out fires around me then pause long enough to help you learn and grow so fires are unnecessary.”

Hmmmm….now there’s a thought.

When we are constantly distracted, we tend to respond to everything around us from a reactive place. We wait until it is bad enough and then we give the “fire” (aka hitting, whining, crying, fighting) the cursory bucket of water (aka STOP THAT; QUIT or you’ll be sorry; Here, watch this movie and be quiet…). Whew. All is good. For a moment. And then it all starts back up again, for our child? They haven’t really learned anything more about how to manage themselves…mostly because we just toss that “bucket of water” over whatever “fire” with the hopes of avoiding it next time around.

Not very productive. Or healthy. Or relationship building.

Back to the phone deal. Here’s what we CAN do.

Notice our use of our phones. Be sure to turn them off or at least to silent when we are engaged with our child. Recognize the need to be away from our phones so we CAN be healthier, and our discomfort in doing so. See that discomfort as the gift of awareness it is–something you can work on little bits at a time.

When you feel that tug on your arm, PAUSE. Look at your child. Let them know you see and hear them. Tell them what they can expect AS you look at them. “I need to finish my text then I can give you my full attention.” OR “I can listen to you right now. My text can wait.”

Then follow through. With ALL of you. Your eyes, your body, your hands, your lap.

Try this today. Try practicing tucking your phone away for a bit and get used to a bit of discomfort…then turn to your child and really look at them and delight in being able to communicate, “YOU matter.”

And the rivalry can diminish…disappear…and CONNECTION–honest, real, meaningful CONNECTION leads the way.

Pretty amazing what happens when our children feel connected to us. Heard. Understood. Enjoyed. Pretty amazing what happens to US when we feel that way with ourselves.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Learning From Toddlers to Teens

February 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed…

…the busy Mama who paused in her cleaning up of the kitchen to include her 18-month-old son. “Do you want to help me wash the dishes?” And up he went on a stool, asking for the sponge, being given a few spoons to scrub. Down he climbed as he signed “all done,” and as Mama began to work on sweeping up the floor, she offered him the opportunity to be included. A few swipes of the very tall broom later and he decided the dust pan was what HIS job would be. He carefully laid it on the floor, Mama swept into it, toddler picked it up rather precariously–and toddled to the garbage to work at twisting his wrist in just the right way. Half of the contents landed back on the floor–!

But hey, sweeping and dust panning gets to be done all over again and at 18-months, THIS is what is fun and important to do. I so appreciated Mama’s ability to move slow enough that her son could be fully included, allowing him to grow his competent and capable self...so much learning going on!

…the Dad and two elementary-aged daughters on the airplane. Each time I passed they were working on origami, colored-pencils and an intricate coloring book, immersed in paper back books, and just hanging and talking with their Dad. I so appreciated how he provided them with creative, hands-on, way cool things to do, rather than “plugging them in” to a digital device (and oh yes, there are times traveling when this is just the right thing to do).

Think about what they learned–how to manage themselves during a long flight, how to get lost in their own thoughts and have that be all the “entertainment” they needed, how others shared with them about their own memories/experiences with folding origami, brainstormed ideas with them about what to do with their growing collection of folded items, checked out their collection of colored pencils…I noticed how, by being involved with hands-on and creative things, it rippled out to include others. Meaningful connections that brought joy. And helped the long plane ride pass far more quickly 🙂 .

…the college-aged babysitter who takes the time to delight in letters from a favorite 6-year-old–including the one that was sent with a bag of a favorite cookie that turned into “cookie dust” as a result. And how this college-aged babysitter has developed a relationship with her mail carrier–so when these chunky letters come with not enough postage, the mail carrier, who knows they come from a certain 6-year-old, pays the postage due and makes no fuss about it to the college-aged babysitter–just making sure she gets these ever-important letters. Especially the ones with amazing pictures drawn of all kinds of made-up monsters.

I so appreciate watching the relationship between these two grow–all because of letter writing, picture drawing, cookie sharing. The time they all take to connect and share is a joy to watch.

What have you noticed and appreciated recently? What has really put a smile on YOUR face today?

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Motherhood Moments

November 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Motherhood!

Caught in a series of drawings by Paula Kuka that had me laughing, enjoying, remembering, thinking, agreeing, and pausing. I think all of these Motherhood Moments are wonderful! Go check them all out via the link at the end of my post.

Meanwhile…let me apologize. The Moment I share here on this post? It had me pausing. If you follow me then you know how I feel and what I share in regards to our use of digital devices and the impact this can have on our children and relationships. A very real and relationship-depleting impact, quite often.

I’m one of *those* who can see the mama in the lower half of this drawing and catch myself starting to criticize what she is doing–spending outdoor time with her little one and also being on her phone at the same time. Yes, I can lose sight of what probably had filled her day prior to heading out for a much needed break, fresh air, exercise. And I apologize for this. It is never a helpful thing, to criticize or judge.

To be fair to myself (and you), I also find myself catching that criticism (PAUSE!) that wants to bubble up and I consider all I don’t know about another’s day, life, what led to heading outdoors to walk and talk on a cell with a young child in tow. I know that many-a-time it is exactly as this drawing depicts and I can totally relate to it, albeit not via use of a cell phone. Those were the days I plunked my child in front of Mister Rogers, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street and then took care of ME–or at least got chores done and dinner made without an octopus around my legs and whining filling my ears

Also to be fair to myself I know, from watching, talking with many parents, having exchanges with a number of you, that it has become normal and familiar, therefore seemingly okay to spend time with your little one with your attention distracted by the phone no matter what else you are doing. Hence my initial reaction to this drawing…thinking, “Oh man. This–as the newfound normal–really isn’t okay!” The hard of staying fully present to whatever you are doing or whomever you are with has gotten harder. And you all have expressed this. And I keep hoping my work and my colleagues’ work is helping encourage you to choose otherwise–to be truly Tech Intentional.

And to be fair to each of YOU, I KNOW that many of you are working hard at balancing this. To be Tech Intentional. To not let your digital life intrude too often in your time with your children and families. Because really, it just doesn’t work very well or feel very good. For parents or children.

I am sorry. For forgetting that perhaps this Mama was finally getting the breather she so desperately needs.

I will continue to work at affirming and appreciating any and all Mama’s out and about with child in tow (phone or no phone!), whether I know their story or not–because really, isn’t it more about feeling cared for and accepted in the moment you are in, as you are, no matter the choices being made? Because it is then that we are more likely going to listen, make different, healthier, intentional choices that align with the kind of relationships, experiences, and life we want the most.

Here’s to all of you Mamas! And a huge thank you to the artist, Paula Kuka.

Enjoy ALL these drawings via https://www.demilked.com/motherhood-comics-paula-kuka/.

With appreciation and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Quick! Your child’s starting to lose it!

November 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Your child is beginning to freak out. Losing it…loudly. Ramping it up to a full blown tantrum. Resistance, push-back, tension… Quick! Offer them their favorite television show or app on your phone or game on their digital device.

Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…

Okay. So your child is now calm. You are calm. But consider this–the message you’ve just given (especially if this is a go-to solution for you on a regular basis…) is “you need this distraction in order to manage your feelings.” Or “you need to BE distracted because I have no confidence in your (or my) ability to manage your feelings.” Or “I cannot handle how you are feeling/behaving…”

What a scary thing for a child.

To think the most mature person–their special adult in their lives–cannot handle how they feel. This really rocks a child’s world…and usually ramps them up even more.

What a way to undermine their ability to (eventually) manage their OWN feelings. To understand, accept, process, and express appropriately all the emotions they have.

What a way to undermine OUR ability to do the same–be comfortable in our own feelings–our anxiety, lack of confidence in our own selves, embarrassment, you name it.

Consider this from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“Avoid using media as the only way to calm your child. Although there are intermittent times (eg, medical procedures, airplane flights) when media is useful as a soothing strategy, there is concern that using media as strategy to calm could lead to problems with limit setting or the inability of children to develop their own emotion regulation.” (Am. Academy of Pediatrics)

So what to do?

Because really, these BIG and LOUD feelings and over-the-top behaviors really DO cause a ton of anxiety. For everyone involved. Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:

~ PAUSE. Calm yourself as much as possible FIRST. What a way to role-model taking care of our own feelings in healthy ways.

~ Name and affirm the feeling your child has. “It makes you really mad…” “You are feeling so so frustrated!” “You really don’t want to leave, yet.” “It makes you mad when I buckle you up in your seat. It is important to be safe…” “It really hurt your feelings when…” “I can see how tired you are. That sure makes it hard for you to…”

~ Give a clear framework, choice inherent: “When you calm down we can…” “I will take you to your room and stay with you while you work at settling down…” “You need to get your mad OUT. Would pounding the couch together help?” “I will stop you from hurting your brother. I can see you are really upset. When we’ve all calmed down a bit we can talk about this…” “Let’s take a few deep breaths like this…and then you can choose if you want to buckle all by yourself or have me help you.”

~ Follow through with what you’ve offered up calmly, matter-of-factly. Whether it is buckling for them (perhaps initially making them even LOUDER and more upset), closing the bedroom door and sitting against it while you keep them company, keeping your promise of talking about it once things have settled, joining in alongside them to pound away at the couch. Your calm, matter-of-fact, willing to stay near, involved, connected self speaks volumes to your child. Respectful volumes.

And now, no matter how your child chooses to behave, you’ve communicated a safe, steady, solid place in which they get the opportunity to sort themselves out. To FEEL. To BE loud and hurt and mad and sad and frustrated without judgment but WITH company, guidance, comfort, and role-modeling that can show them just what to DO with all these upset feelings.

It may not be pretty. It may still be embarrassing, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for YOU, but because you’ve paused…and focused on taking care of your feelings, you are able to step in alongside your upset child and really help them navigate their experience with the confidence they need from you and need to feel you have in them.

Then in time, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”

And your child will be a bit better and stronger in doing just what he or she is meant to–manage themselves. No need for distraction. No need for another to do it for them (and really, think about it. Do you want your future teen needing another to decide for them what and how to do or feel?). And those screens? They can now be used at crucial stress filled times now and again without undermining the important growth of self-regulation.

So today…pause. Consider those potentially embarrassing, anxiety driven, frustrating moments as an opportunity for your child to learn a little bit more about themselves, their feelings, and healthy ways to manage them. You, too. Our kids give us constant opportunities to get stronger within ourselves–and it really all begins with a PAUSE.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Story Time! Dancing Bears vs Dinosaur Builders…

July 22, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you…

A four-year-old little boy. A “toy” laptop. A library book about dinosaurs and a construction site. And me, visiting for a brief time while his dad and my husband check out some work they are doing in their house.

Out comes the laptop, on it goes, ***beep beep beep***, flashing dancing bear figures, singing the ABC’s, “talking” to Mr. Four. If you are one of my regular followers than you already know how I feel about screen technology and young children–even if it is a “toy.” So now you’ll be proud of me–I paused…

I waited and watched to see what captured Mr. Four’s attention with this “laptop.” He danced, wiggled, never really looked at the screen and the flashing images, just sort of physically reacted to it. He grinned when it said his name. He very much “showed it off” to me–“Look what I have! A laptop!” So busy looking towards ME to see how I’d react to HIM.

Now the experiment began (though I was pretty sure I knew what would happen). I reached for the dinosaur library book and began turning the pages. Quietly. Mr. Four charged right over to me, stood with legs planted firmly to the floor (where did all the wiggles go?), and began to pore over the book. We took it, page by page, with the attempt to read the story–but Mr. Four? Oh, he had other ideas.

He told ME everything that was happening, found all the funny things going on, named every piece of equipment. He turned the pages back and forth, discovering, exploring, considering. Obviously he has had this book read to him many times over. Lovely.

He used his fingers to trace different pictures. He talked endlessly. He listened with care when I DID get to read parts of the story. When we “finished” the book he went right back to flipping the pages to find the Backhoe, the Scoop Shovel, the dinosaur with the flat bill, the favorite lunch box of the construction guys, the mustard squirting out from a sandwich…

Mr. Four was absorbed by the book.

We talked and shared and laughed. He was on his OWN time with it–deciding for himself when to turn pages, what to talk about. He was sharing HIS ideas and funny stories. We felt totally connected and wrapped up in our little world of construction sites and dinosaurs. We were discovering together.

Think about this–the contrast between the electronic device and a book.

The device? It was busy telling Mr. Four what to do and how to do it and when to do it.

Mr. Four could push buttons and wiggle his body and delight in hearing the device talk to him. He had little to say about it…just sort of delighted in the entertainment of it. There may be some value in that…

The book? It engaged both of us in a relationship.

It sparked incredible imagination. It encouraged thinking. It nurtured self-direction–a child deciding on his own what to think and do and when to do it. It was three dimensional. It was sensory and language rich–sight, touch, smell, hearing…and oh, the words and conversation it sparked!

THIS is what grows a healthy brain. A child ready and eager to learn. Relationships that can thrive…relationships that provide the solid foundation for a child to grow well.

And I know from many years of experience, the impact of the book ripples out in amazing ways–I remember well how my own daughters would take marker to paper and be inspired to “write” or draw their own stories…they’d take the story of the book and expand it in ways that always surprised me. Or they’d create costumes and act out the book…or become one of the characters and pretend all day long…like my eldest did when she decided she was “Skunkie” and happily “sprayed” us all day long (she was four, as well…) And then they’d pick up the book once again, snuggle down on the couch or in my lap, and want to read it all over again.

I vote for the book any time. I encourage you to do the same.

Instead of handing an electronic device over to distract your child or fill their time, consider first reading them something. Or handing them a book, instead. Or a pile of books! For now you can be sure you are supporting the growth of just what you want the most–a child whose creative, imaginative, focused and engaged, self-directed and independent soul is being nurtured in rich ways. A child whose brain is growing optimally. A child who is eager to learn.

Mr. Four and I had to be done with our story, it was time for me to go. He willingly chose two more things to find in the book–with delight and eagerness–and then his silly dinosaur self wrestled me to the door to pull on all my winter gear so I could head home. What a deposit into a warm and lovely relationship. What a difference this can make.

My story of contrast for you. May it encourage you to continue keeping the magic world of books up front and center in your home. May it remind you of all the healthy and positive growth possible as you, very simply, read with your child.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

MORE of What TO Do Instead of Screens

June 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I’ve come to understand many of you only know devices as the go-to solution for occupying your kids when needed. It has become the default, so as I talk about how LESS screen is much healthier, many of you struggle with just what TO do. I want to share ideas for you as you consider pausing before handing your child a digital device and considering what else you CAN do.

I feel quite lucky that when I was parenting younger kids all there was device-wise was TV (and that wasn’t all that long ago!). There are so many things we did for our children that now is replaced by a device. All that ultimately does for many children is displace the kind of learning that can grow them in optimal ways and this makes YOUR job as a parent even harder. Those devices when over-used? They seem to make things easier in the moment…until, of course, you try to take it away or tell your child they are done 🙂 And in the long run it makes everything so much harder, for your kids aren’t learning how to manage themselves, how to BE in long lines, car rides, the post office, the grocery store, on airplanes…

Instead of learning how to control themselves, it seems the devices are doing it for them. All this says to your child is, “You need this device in order to be in control…” Not what any of us really want in the long run–for our child to seek outside influences in order to feel in control of themselves. Think peer pressure. Unwanted sexual experiences. Drugs. Alcohol.

So what CAN you do? Oh so much! Ideas for you at home…

Have a selection of books and/or toys or other special items saved JUST for the times you need space the most. My own mother had what she called a Gift Box–and she’d go dig in it and come up with an activity book or little matchbox car…something that was new to us. Worked every time for engaging us when she needed it the most.

Keep about half the general collection of toys in your house put away and out of sight. This worked spectacularly for us–we could rotate toys periodically, and presto! New all over to them! Amazing how, after not seeing something for a number of weeks, a child’s play with a toy changes and re-engages them in new ways. Sort of fun to watch.

How about a box with a few favorite books and special toys tucked inside? A friend has one. Out comes the box just when she needs to focus on something that requires kids out of the way. The kids know this is a Special Box and is used only for Special Times…nothing in it requires adult supervision, which is key 🙂

Know that a toddler will be fascinated with a saucepan, spoon, a measuring cup, lid. Maybe add a bit of water for stirring. You’ll get a few extra minutes and maybe more as the play expands–and you can easily add a bit of food to mix in if desired, or a doll and washcloth, or maybe a towel spread on floor with extra cups, scoops, maybe an empty ice-cube tray and let them fill and dump to their hearts content. Need something a bit drier? Try an empty Kleenex box stuffed with just about anything and hand to your young toddler. Or a full Kleenex box to have fun pulling out the tissues one at a time… 🙂

Pull out the “old fashioned” telephone. I know a few little boys who LOVE to pretend to call the doctor on their old telephone…BRRRRRING! BRRRRING! Give them a crayon or pencil and a pile of sticky notes. Let the play begin. This paper and crayon or pencil? It works well while riding in the grocery cart 🙂 Remember cardboard boxes…of any and all sizes. They make fantastic play-on-your-own experiences. All you have to do is occasionally add something new inside the Box Fort–sleeping bag, flashlights, a pile of stuffed critters, a shoe box full of stickers and markers…

Know that a preschooler can take an apron and it can become a cape and OFF they’ll fly around the room...or will love being given a selection of ingredients to go mix and pour on their own–we did this. It would take me just a minute to set up a tray with bowl, spoon, and about 6 different “ingredients” such as water, oil, oatmeal, food coloring (depending on age!), vinegar, baking soda, seasonings I used rarely…and my girls would spend up to half-an-hour mixing and mixing, A “delicious recipe” for eyes and noses ONLY!

Throw a blanket over a table or across a few chairs and let your child know in a secret voice, “It’s your FORT. I wonder how many of your stuffed guys will join you in there?” So often it is just how you say something that can capture a child’s attention and get their imagination going. Use your voice. Sing, whisper, be conspiratorial. Amazing what can happen for creating time for YOU.

What about at the grocery store, or the post-office, or in a L-O-N-G line at DMV or the airport or ANY where? What about during your dentist appointment, at the bank, or anywhere else you head with child in hand?

Ideas for you on-the-go:

***Always carry snacks. Kids get hungry and grumpy when waits are extra long. A collection of raisins and fish crackers (or whatever you choose…) can occupy their little fingers at length AND take the edge off of hunger.

***Involve your child. Have them help you find things in the grocery store, fill the bag with apples, get excited about choosing the cereal. One mama I know let her son know he could choose a toy from the toy aisle to hold during their grocery store trip, and then when finished, they would return the toy to the shelf “with all its friends” and wave good bye. My girls liked to bring their Special Guys with them–Kitty and Grand Champion (horse). They talked to them, showed them things, included them in our errands just as I included my girls.

***Be sure to do errands with your child when you DO feel patient so they can learn from a calm and present parent. The more you can do this, the less trouble you’ll have during the times you have to swing by the store following daycare pick up and a long day at work. Think about this–your child cannot learn how to BE in a bank or store or anywhere if you just hand them a digital device to occupy them.

Then as they grow, it just gets tougher and tougher, for they don’t have the ability to wait in line, to look around and talk about things, to know how to exchange money or choose stamps or mail a package or count down until your number is called…

***Instead of plunking your child in front of the child’s TV in the bank (I really do not like how more institutions are supplying screens for children, rather than a pile of books…and yes, I say something to the managers quite regularly!), carry them on up to the counter, talk to them about what the teller is doing, let them hand over the check, let them receive the receipt. Name all the interesting things around–“He has a much BIGGER computer than ours at home.” “Look! Type type type and then whir whir whir and out comes our receipt!” “Would you like to show the teller what we brought to the bank for her to take care of?” There is SO much learning to be done when we choose to involve our kids in our day to day tasks and errands…

***Instead of trying extra hard to keep your child still and quiet in that long line in the post office, consider letting them explore a bit. Perhaps let them look through the display windows at all the colorful stamps; maybe play a bit of I Spy with them. Let them hold the letters or package to be mailed. Sing quietly to them. We found singing to work wonders in so many situations. Again, talk about all the things you see. Show them how to take Flat Rate Boxes off the shelf and then slide them back on again. Let them look at the cards for sale–show them how to be gentle, to slide them back where they belong. INVOLVE your children.

***In the back seat of the car have books and a few other favorite small items available. Engage them out the window. Find the back hoe, the raven on the telephone wire, the firetruck whizzing by. Again, sing. Or play music or an audio book. As they get older, give them car-games to play like finding all the letters of the alphabet as they pass by signs or as many different license plates as possible. Keeping track of finding each state’s license plate if you live in the USA is lots of fun for kids of many ages.

These are just some of the endless number of ideas I and others have that I encourage you to try FIRST, prior to handing your child a device. Save those for special times–for when you have absolutely NO patience or where-with-all left. Now they don’t interrupt healthy development, for they are used rarely. Like TV for us. We kept it to 30 minutes a day–and often never watched any. My girls sometimes “saved up” their minutes to watch more on other days…those days when I needed it the most 🙂

Share what works in your family as you move through your busy days without defaulting to screens very often. No one has to re-invent the wheel as they scramble for ways to occupy their child, or ways to involve their child. Let’s share what works and encourage each other! It really does take a village to support a parent so they can parent well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Keeping Our Children Safe

June 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Consider these…

Your baby begins to pull up and travel a bit around furniture and all of a sudden his little hands can reach those fragile items, the knives in the drawer, the tantalizing pot burbling away atop the hot stove.

Whew! Quick! If you haven’t already now it IS time to baby proof–to think about and then act upon putting the fragile items up high, poisons and sharp knives behind locked doors and drawers or whatever works in your family to keep Baby safe, healthy, growing strong. And you do so.

And as Baby grows, you get busy showing her how to stay back from the hot oven as you open it, to carefully stir the oatmeal in the pot on the stove alongside you, to use first a butter knife to practice cutting until you are confident she can handle a small sharp knife. You TEACH. Safety skills for keeping your little one safe, healthy, growing strong–and learning!

Your five-year-old happily dumps her thousands of Lego blocks all over the floor to immerse herself in building and creating.

Uh-oh! New development in your home. Your 15-month-old wants to be right in the middle of all those small and choke-able items. Quick! Figure out a new way for Lego to be played so your little one CAN be safe, healthy, growing strong. Maybe Miss Five can play with them up on the table, or behind closed doors. Maybe, as you think about ideas, you can just be sure to be right there with your young toddler to show him just what he CAN play with, put in his mouth, or how Lego blocks can be used. What a way to keep your little one safe, healthy, growing strong. Think of all the learning!

Because you are quite clear about keeping your child SAFE as you unload from your parked car on a busy street or in a busy parking lot…

…you’ve thought ahead about grabbing that grocery cart before unbuckling anybody, or having your backpack ready to roll for your child to load up in, or talking ahead of time about holding hands or being carried. You’ve thought about it and are purposeful with just what you do. Including being gently firm with your dash-away-from-you toddler 🙂 Teaching, guiding, and learning that will keep your child safe, healthy, growing strong.

We are quite good at taking care with how we handle the above kinds of situations and many more along our journeys as parents. Sometimes after the fact a bit, sometimes ahead of time–and either way, we’ve thought a bit or for a while; we’ve become intentional with what we do.

We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.

It’s so darn overwhelming, isn’t it? And yet, look at all we already do with care and purpose in order to keep our children safe, healthy, growing strong and learning. Let’s look at how we can do so with technology, as well. Because really, there will be times when we are exhausted, sick, tending to a sick one, talking at length with Grandma who is having real troubles, frying up meat that is spattering oil all over the kitchen and kids just CAN’T be underfoot. We have to have something to entertain our kids in these moments that is quick and easy (if they are unable to entertain themselves…). And our default these days are iPhones, video games, iPads, shows to watch, and on and on.

Thoughts for you as you become purposeful and thoughtful about just what IS safe and healthy for your child…

***Choose Apps with care. Be sure there is no marketing of products to your child. Be sure there is no violence or other inappropriate content. Be sure you are comfortable with the story-line, the game, whether there is an ability to drift off onto the internet into unknown territory…

***Think about the content of anything you let your child watch, “do”, play with--does it support the kind of relationships you want them to be exposed to? Does it represent healthy ways to live and be? Is it something that spurs real conversation within your family?

***Consider audio books for your child to listen to…or books on the iPad that are used only in those moments of exhaustion, illness, cooking fatty meat on the stove 🙂 When your child gets them only at these times, they become special–and something that truly engages them just when you need it the most.

Or maybe just have a box of books or special items saved for just these moments. That’s what we did…and it works.

***Consider behavior following device use. Are they acting out? Scared? Worried? Discover why. Ask about what they saw. Let it guide YOU in considering, again with purpose, what might be better choices of Apps, videos, games.

***Educate yourself in regards to children being exposed to too much screen time. Let this knowledge guide you as you purposefully choose what is right for your children and family. You can find a lot of excellent info at the Children’s Sreen Time Action Network.

***Take a look around your home and be sure it supports your child in being safe, healthy, growing strong. Put phones out of sight and on silent during family time and meals. Watch your own use of devices when with your children. Use a real camera, a real watch, a real alarm clock. Talk about why you choose with care what and how you do all things digital. Keep all screens OUT of bedrooms. Have specific places for devices to be kept and charged, rather than spread all over the house. I know one family who has a small wooden box set up in an out-of-the-way place where all devices get dropped once home. Now they can no longer distract and it becomes an intentional act to retrieve them.

The more we can use our strength at being

purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more

likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping

them as safe as we can.

Start today. Help your child learn with care how to BE with all the devices in your house-hold. Keep “safe, healthy, strong” as your filter, showing your little one up to your teen how best to use technology so it can be part of healthy growth and development. Because it can. With your care, your awareness, your strength at being purposeful.

With HOPE and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

It’s All About Relationship

May 14, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I found myself talking with a mother of three the other day. All that she shared is very much what I and many of my colleagues hear constantly.

HOW do we manage and balance all of these unknowns that are increasing in seemingly infinite ways?

HOW do we parent well, keep our children safe, control usage and exposure, say NO to video games, feel confident our schools are supporting this endeavor to lessen screen time…and on and on?

It’s exhausting.

Really, what CAN we do??

Focus on relationship.

So we need to focus on our relationship. THIS we can control.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

We can…

…Seek to understand more about what research and experts are saying. Explore what is available for filtering carefully what your kids are exposed to.

We may never be able to feel fully confident about how our technology driven life-styles and world is influencing us.

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

Because they have YOU.

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

L-O-N-G Waits in Line…

May 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of connection, creativity, and all things relationship building for you from a wonderfully simple perspective.

A family. Two children, ages 8 and 10, and their parents. A long line awaiting entrance to a way-cool castle in Scotland. Think crowds of tour bus folk, general tourists, a small space, and castle ruins just yonder. Oh, and the heat. So very hot.

And think “buff.” You know, those scarf-like things we can wear around our necks for warmth? The 10-year-old boy had one (despite the heat!)…I’ll get back to the buff soon:

“How much l-o-n-g-e-r do we have to WAIT, dad????”

“Ten minutes until the ticket office opens!”

“That’s too LOOOOONNNNGGGG!”

Okay. So we’ve all been here. Whining and fidgety kids, crowds of people, hot weather and lengthy wait times. Here’s what I noticed, heard, and eventually went directly to the parents and appreciated out loud:

Dad, “Would you like to set the timer?” “

Boy, “YES! Can I choose the sound???”

And son and father took out the phone–the ONLY time I saw anything device oriented come out–and together they went through sounds until the boy chose one and the timer was set. Respectful–dad appreciating how hard it can be and providing a solid framework for his son to wait by–ultimately giving his son the opportunity to be in control of that very long 10 minutes . No “Quit whining!” or “It’s only 10 minutes, be patient!”

Just a quiet affirmation of how waiting can

be hard by offering up a simple way to wait successfully;

to actually learn to BE patient.

Sister and brother began to wander a bit…went over to the sign and read it out loud to each other. They twirled. Poked around the ticket booth. Pushed each other playfully. Mom and dad watched from the line, quietly. Kids returned to mom and dad and quizzed them a bit about castle questions. Whining was forgotten, quiet exchanges took place, and the kids were given the space to just be kids. Talk about communicating trust in their ability to manage their selves–both by being able to wait in a crowd of people as well as to entertain themselves…

And then the buff antics began. My daughter noticed the boy’s buff and, just as the boy was getting a bit agitated once again regarding how L-O-N-G the wait was, said, “Buffs are so cool! Did you know you can make a hat with it??”

And the play began. The buff was turned into a hat, a mask, a chance to be “backwards and invisible” as the kids pulled their buffs up over their heads and wore their dark glasses on the backs of their heads. Giggles galore. Then it was my daughter showing them how nordic skiers use buffs with hats included. Then it was how far the buff could s-t-r-e-t-c-h and be pulled and go inside out and outside in. Mom and dad laughed and shared their ideas. Sister worked hard at using her headband in the same way. My daughter and the kids were totally engaged–conversation, fun, creative ideas. Those became the quickest “10 minutes” ever. And we all enjoyed the wait in line!

And then later, as we toured the castle ruins, what did I notice? How easily engaged each child was with their exploring, learning, asking questions. How mom and dad answered questions quietly, asked new ones, and generally let their kids lead the way as they wove in and out of people, walls, paths, twisty old stair cases.

The respect for what their kids were curious about and the respect their kids had for what mom and dad were curious about was a delight to see.

What stood out was how comfortable they all were.

How present and focused and truly listening to each other they were. And two kids who really managed themselves well–fidgets and whining included. I went up to mom and mentioned how I noticed and appreciated this…and that I also appreciated the lack of digital devices and instead real time, face to face interactions. Her response? “We really think less is better…and it is ever so hard to do so with so many of their friends getting smart phones….”

We shared a bit about the importance of being intentional with our use of all things digital so that we can more likely grow healthier relationships, brains and lives.

I shared how awesome it was that they had thought ahead of all-things-digital and decided what they wanted the most––the kind of relationships they were now experiencing. Connected. Respectful. Kids who managed themselves well and could be restless, fidgety, engrossed in their own ideas and play. She shared how it makes it easier knowing what they really want for their kids…and how good it feels to be appreciated for the hard work they are doing to live just what they believe. Talk about building healthy brains!

Connection, creativity, presence, all things relationship-building. It really can be simple. It really can start with a buff .

We really CAN give our kids the space and respect

to just be without always taking responsibility for filling their time or calming our own anxiety over their antics by

distracting them with a screen.

What a gift to our kids when we become truly intentional with how we use our phones, our iPads, our computers–with how we decide NOT to use them.

Today, take time to put digital devices aside. Head outdoors. Get a pile of books to read. Build a fort and climb inside. Cook. Swim. Dig in the dirt. Twirl. Or get your buffs out and see what its like to make yourself “backwards and invisible” with a pair of sunglasses propped on the back of your head.

Most importantly, connect.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Our Children, Our Technology

March 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

“How can we think our pre-teens and teens can handle it any better? I mean, surely we don’t think, because they can navigate the technology itself better than adults, this means they can fully manage its usage, and its effects on their psyches, their relationships, their self-worth?” (Hal Runkel, screamfree)

Okay–I’m going up on that soapbox of mine (consider yourself warned!) and I invite you to step up alongside.

How we intend for our future teens and adults to manage their world begins with our little ones. This now includes a tremendous amount of technology–and is directly influenced by OUR use of technology. What we role-model from infancy on is crucial.

It really does begin with us. So…consider this:

A baby needs a present, responsive caregiver able to tune into their nuances, rhythms, needs.

When we interact with phone in hand, we are distracted at best. What does our baby “hear”? That caring for another means choosing to be interrupted, less present, our attention divided by choice. That what they need the most to grow in a healthy way is secondary to tending to our phones, texts, Face book, tweets, snapchats, instagram, you name it.

Now baby has to work harder at getting her needs met, leading to being even more fussy, unsettled, ultimately stressed-–and this interrupts healthy growth. Not what any of us intend…nor want as it just makes our job even harder.

Know that a toddler or preschooler will copy EVERY thing you do.

As you grab your phone to talk or text while driving, or eating, or out meandering through the park with them, or bathing them, or in the midst of reading books with them they learn oh-so-much about what we deem is most important in life. That being distracted and tending to digital devices rather than being present to all the richness of the world around us, to the people we are with is how we are supposed to be in this world.

No matter how hard we try to “hide” our use (sort of like those Christmas gifts we try to sneak onto the grocery cart thinking they aren’t noticing …), they see it–clearly–and are constantly filing it away in their brains as how to live and be in this world. And as with our babies, their need for a tuned in and responsive caregiver goes unmet–and you can count on behavior to ramp up . And no, this soap box moment is not about never using our phones. It is about becoming intentional with our use…fully present to whatever we are doing.

Never think an elementary child will miss the fact…

…that you are distracted by your phone when you pick them up from school tossing a “How was your day, sweetie?” over your shoulder as you text away in the front seat. And then you wonder why they ignore you, or drive you nuts trying to get your attention, or just generally act up and make the transition from school to home totally unpleasant.

OR discover, because they, too, have a device that gets them on line, how they can “interact” with all kinds of people without you even knowing they are. And then share things that would truly disappoint and even scare you. Because they can…and they don’t have the brain growth to know that they shouldn’t. Heck, what they see you do is what they think they are doing, therefore it must be okay, right?

Never think a TEEN, with a brand new drivers license…

…will decide to safely manage their phone (aka OFF or silenced and out of reach) as they navigate streets and highways just because you’ve always said what NOT to do yet rarely followed through with it yourself. Remember back when they were little and you were busily talking or texting while driving? They haven’t forgotten. Or you might find they decide that what is most important is to get lost on their screens to the point of no connection with you at all. Or take what they did as elementary students “playing around” with somewhat unhealthy on-line interactions and evolve them into what can become truly dangerous “connections.” In real time and in-person. Or the anxiety and depression that comes as teens get totally lost in all things screens to the cost of all their relationships. All very scary.

Maybe it stirs up too much anxiety for you as you consider stepping away from your phone or device.

That’s okay. Any change in our life can stir up anxiety. Taking it in small steps for short amounts of time can help. And I guarantee, over time with your commitment, you will discover things to feel oh-so-much-better.

Try it in little ways…

…commit to reading one more book to your child before answering the text you know just came in.

…try tucking your phone into your purse AND on silent while greeting your child from school or daycare.

…put your phone away as you eat lunch with your child.

…declare dinner times digital free times and slide all devices into a drawer and out of sight.

…take a paper list into the store and leave your phone in your car.

…take a real camera on your next adventure instead of using your cell phone.

…commit to finishing whatever chore or game or conversation you are in the midst of before taking a look at your phone.

That’s all. Just a few minutes at a time. What a difference it can make as you give your child your full, un-distracted attention. And then, when it is time to get back to your phone? Let your child know. And give your phone your full attention. What a way to strengthen YOUR intent on all things balanced and healthy. What a way to role-model living and relating well.

Let’s get better at managing our devices in healthy ways. You, your children, and our world deserve this.

Okay. Stepping off the soap box…thank you for listening. Hoping you’ll take action!

With respect and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What We Miss

January 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

A story to share…

A morning walk along a wooded trail. A young family–Dad, dog, boy age 8-ish and girl age 5-ish marching along, kids with a spring in their step.

Upon closer inspection, blue lollipops being deliciously enjoyed! How fun, I thought. As we grew close enough, I said, “Hello!” and got an exuberant “HI!” greeting from the kids.

“Wow, you’ve got BLUE lollipops.” Big grins, blue decorating all parts of their faces . “I see blue all around your mouths…!” And out came a tongue–“Oh! Your tongue is blue, too!” GRIN. “Oh my goodness, look at your teeth–THEY are all blue!” BIG grins and giggles.

Then from the boy to me, “YOUR shirt is blue!” “Yes!”, I said, “It is…and hey, look, your sister’s shoes are blue!”

As dad approached the little girl giggled, “And daddy’s wearing blue, too!”

From me, “Look at your dog’s collar–it’s blue, too!”

The boy proclaimed: “It’s a BLUE day today!”

Off he and his sister marched with springs in their steps, lollipops licked, blue smiles across their faces, necks craning upwards as I added, “The sky is trying to be blue, too!”

Dad?

He was talking on his cell phone. Casually. Sending quick smiles my way…yet plugged into his cell phone. He was doing what many of us do when we are distracted–tossing in a comment ‘on the side’ to try to be a part of things, managing his wiggly dog (and getting tangled a bit!), glancing at his kids…and yet, he was missing so much of what was going on. Missing it. While on a short walk with his family through a wooded park.

Here’s what I wanted to see–no cell phone. Why? Because WITH the cell phone dad was distracted. Only partially there. Attention divided. And even though this no longer feels like a big deal in our current lives, for all of us do this to some extent, it IS a big deal. It is very much a DIS-connection.

And our children know it, feel it, are growing up with this DIS-connection as their foundation for what life and relationships are supposed to look like.

Without a cell phone to his ear here’s what this walk could have looked like:

A dad marching along with a grin on his face as he watched the antics of his kids. A dad pausing to join in on the BLUE fun. A dad who caught the fact that his 8-year-old was totally delightful in the moment with me, a complete stranger.

A dad who noticed his daughter’s uncertainty, her warming up, her attempt to draw him into our BLUE conversation. A dad who could go home and reflect on the memories of a walk in the woods, the spring in his kids’ steps, how his dog was glued to all things children, what his kids delighted in the most and spent time noticing.

A dad who could actively and authentically participate again and again with his kids as they tell and re-tell the story of their walk in the woods. For they will. Kids always do.

A dad who took this opportunity to be truly present, to feel connected, to deposit positively into his relationships with his children. Little moments like these count. They make up most of all of our days and they count. Hugely.

And YES, there ARE times we have to be on our cell phone. There are emergencies and tricky appointment call-backs. There are those endless stream of telephone tag games we are so DONE with that we keep that cell close and available no matter what. There are those calls from the school and from work and you name it.

And yet I feel and I know that we can do it differently.

We can, most of the time, do it without it being at a cost to the rich, deep, meaningful, lovely, delightful relationships we all want–including the connections via the phone that we have because, YES, those connections can be equally important and also deserve our full attention.

Ideas to consider:

Dad could have, prior to heading out on the walk, said, “Kids, I need to make a call. When I am finished, we’ll head out.” And then give his full attention to the call instead of doing the half-way paying attention that really wasn’t paying attention at all to the wonderful antics of his kids OR the person on the call with him.

He could have left it on silent and let all calls go to a message to then listen to with his full attention a bit later.

He could have left it at home or in the car for the 30-minutes he was out walking.

He could have chosen to answer it on the walk with a, “Thanks for calling–I’m with my children right now and will give you a call in about half an hour.”

And what a message he’d communicate to his children–that they are important, that being with them is something he thoroughly enjoys, that when together on an adventure this is the protocol–no digital devices and our full attention to the adventure.

He’d communicate this is what it is like being a dad (role modeling–we are always role modeling), this is what it is like to be a family, this is how we walk dogs and have fun.

Then the stories that will emerge at home–just think, “Mommy! Look at all our BLUE! Daddy thought we were funny, and you know what we did…and a lady we met…and then Daddy and doggy did…and when sister fell, daddy…” Oh, the truly authentic JOY that can be shared! And maybe the upset, as well. Shared. Memories made. Things learned and discovered. Together.

This is what counts. This is what becomes a real, genuine deposit into your relationship–and the more we can deposit well, the stronger we become and the more likely you will have future teens and young adults wanting and willing to come to you as a resource, to come and spend time with you, to want to be in your company–because you wanted to be in theirs. Fully.

Take time to consider your cell phone/digital device use. Consider what you are role modeling, what kind of relationships you want, what you are communicating by your actions to your children, what memories and relationships you really want to create. Consider how you feel when you are totally present out walking with your children versus how you feel when you are juggling calls, texts, dog and kid antics all in one.

Whatever you decide to put your attention to, do it fully and respectfully. Be intentional. You and your children are worth being intentionally present to and in all that you do–calls, texts, walks, meals, little moments, big moments.

Your future older children? They will want to be in your company because you wanted to be in theirs. And now you’ve shown them just how to manage all things digital that has them more likely choosing with care and intention for themselves. Ever so important for those teens years…and adult years 🙂

Respectfully,

A SUCCESS Story With(out) Screens…

November 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

A SUCCESS story to share from a parent committed to parenting positively and peacefully…

A 20-month-old toddler and Mama. Toddler screaming (and maybe Mama, as well?!). Fighting naps. Upset when being on a digital device is a “no”, unable to play on her own, resists resists resists, uncooperative…you name it and the HARD of toddler-hood was taking over.

Mama exhausted, exasperated, frustrated, and at the end of her rope. As you can well imagine. We’ve all been there. And here is where the story changes. Let it lift YOU and give you the encouragement you need today…

Mama reached out for support. Mama rolled up her sleeves, made some intentional choices and changes, stuck with them, and what a real and positive difference it made.

~SELF CARE. She was reminded to take care of her self–YES! As she said, “During her naps I’ve been trying to read, draw, write, drink tea and eat chocolate, whatever. I also try to get ready and look decent every day because it makes me feel better.” And when WE feel better our children do better...

~NO MORE SCREENS! A resounding YES from me! “I noticed when she was being challenging it was easy for me to let her watch TV or play on my phone. Cutting this out helped in a big way. We will probably introduce some screens again in the future, but not for a long time based on how it’s changed her behavior.”

This is a common result of limiting or eliminating screens for young children–their behavior ultimately changes for the better because now they are more likely getting what they really need-–hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.

They become more cooperative, independent, calm, able to truly get lost in their important work of PLAY. When use screens to distract, we are undermining our child’s ability to learn to understand and manage their feelings and behavior. We are saying, “you need this so you won’t do or feel that…” We are saying, “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self…or my ability to handle your big feelings…” Probably not what any of us intend. With screen time removed, and a supportive Mama alongside, a toddler begins to grow the very ability we want to see more of–managing themselves well.

~PREDICTABLE SCHEDULE. Mama buckled down and began to keep the routine they already had generally in place STRICTLY in place. “I noticed that I couldn’t really expect her to get dressed after breakfast when some days we did and others we didn’t….she (now) knows what to expect and I know what expectations and limits I have, so I can follow through and hold strong to them.” What a way to communicate to her little one “You can count on what I say, I mean and will do.” What a way to build trust. What a way to help a toddler–with all the tumultuous and terrific independent growth–feel safe and secure.

~QUALITY TIME! “Sometimes as a stay-at-home-parent, I forget that just because I spend a lot of time with my daughter doesn’t mean it’s quality. I’ve been trying to spend at least an hour a day with my phone away in her play area just watching and joining in as she requests.” The magic here? Mama’s INTENTIONAL presence and putting her phone away is a HUGE step towards making that work. Now her toddler can–again–count on her Mama, feel important and connected, and feel Mama’s interest, love, and confidence in how she plays and explores and, ultimately, who she is becoming. So very cool.

~GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! “When my toddler was struggling I couldn’t imagine doing anything, let alone leaving the house. I started biting the bullet and we leave almost every day after breakfast to do something fun. It helps break up the day and it forces me to interact with real life people and put on a clean shirt.” Now THAT is self-care, as well. And getting outside? What a difference that can make. Outside OR in the car and off to some new venue. We used to head to the mall in the midst of our cold winters and wander around looking through store windows, exploring, marching along the hallways, maybe actually getting an errand done…and it felt good.

Now what is different for this Mama? “I’ve noticed less screaming, less fighting naps, no asking for screen time, more willing to play by herself, more willing to engage in tasks with me, more willing to follow my requests, less acting out, and just general better behavior. It’s not perfect, but we’re both trying and I started giving myself a lot more slack too.”

I love this story! Mama reached out when her frustration got too high. Mama PAUSED and considered where things did go well…and then acted upon this knowledge. Mama became way more intentional about what and how she did things. And as a result?

She and her daughter feel more connected. In a lovely way. In a cooperative, collaborative, calmer, caring way. In truly relationship-building ways. Calm connection leads the way…maybe not all the time, maybe not without a LOT of work…but that is okay for this parenting deal? It is a practice. There is no end goal, no perfection…just practice, growth, learning, and more practice.

Thank you to this Mama for letting me share her story. It’s ever-so-important because it demonstrates clearly how, as we take our attention off of screens and instead onto ourselves and the relationships we intend to grow, so many healthy things can emerge. More self-care. More PLAY. More connection. More resilience, patience, JOY.

Here’s to you today, tomorrow, and all your days as you intentionally focus on growing the kinds of relationships and creating the kinds of experiences you want the most.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.justaskalice.org

We Need to KNOW and Say NO

November 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…

…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?

…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?

…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody?

…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?

…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?

I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.

How would your CHILD feel if…

…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?

…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?

…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?

…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?

…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?

I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.

And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.

Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.

Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.

Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.

Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.

Instead, they become passive.

They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.

Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.

Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung.

Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.

When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.

This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.

Consider brain development.

Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.

What CAN we do?

Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.

PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.

Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.

Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights.

PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.

PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:

Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.

Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.

Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.

Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…

Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.

I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.

To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.

Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.

That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.

In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.

It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.

Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

It is Time to Demand Excellence

September 28, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Instead of “What’s wrong with ME” why not ask

what’s wrong with our culture? Or hopefully, what is RIGHT

that we can be sure to fuel and grow?

I ask this, following a heartfelt conversation with a young woman wondering, confused, even worried that something is wrong with HER that she doesn’t “feel” the attraction she thinks she is supposed to when a fellow kisses her.

You see, things really are much the same as they were 35 or so years ago when I was a teen and college student. The fairly constant message then (and now) was, “What makes you a person of value is how attractive you are to the opposite sex.” Or the same sex. No matter. “Luckily” all the media-driven influence on our culture was limited to television and print when I navigated it.

Now, we are engulfed.

And even the young women who grow up feeling and knowing their inner strength, find themselves doubting. Worried. Thinking something is wrong with them that, following one or two dates, they just aren’t FEELING the attraction the fellow is bestowing on them. Maybe “just” through a kiss…but a kiss? It is intimate. And when it is too soon or with the wrong person, you aren’t going to “feel it.” No matter what every single screen oriented ANY thing tells you. No matter that every show you watch and music video played and latest popular book read and sign you see and words heard tell you. And yet our young women–even the strong ones–find themselves thinking THEY are “wrong.” No no no. It is our media/tech-driven culture that has magnified all of this and engulfed us.

No wonder our young women are confused. Worried. Anxious. And I am most certain many of our young men are, as well. The pressure on them to be a certain way, as determined by the media and tech world, has become equally intense and unhealthy.

We need to do better. Much, much better. Way beyond all the work each of us are doing within our own families.

We need to push back on our media and tech driven culture and be loud, consistent, and constant about demanding better. Or rather, demanding excellence. We need to be clear so they can be clear, too. Both the media AND our children.

And we need to be clear for ourselves.

We need to know, without a doubt, the kind of future adults we hope our children will grow into.

We need to know clearly what we are role modeling–and be intentional in doing more of what we see is healthy and right for our kids.

We need to empower our children from early on by understanding and affirming their feelings, focusing on their strengths and abilities rather than falling into the “good girl” and “good job” trap, or the “it’s my job to make you feel a certain way” trap.

We need to foster relationships that will have our eventual teen or adult wanting to turn to us as a resource.

We need to take responsibility for ourselves and all that we say and do so our children can do the same.

And we need to let all sources of our media and tech driven culture that undermines the health of our children (and us) know, without a doubt, we demand better. We want excellence.

What we focus on grows. Let’s look to the excellence. Let’s find it and appreciate it and live it.

Let’s help these young women and men feel strong from the inside out and know, without a doubt, that they are exactly right and okay just as they are. That their feelings are honored, and they can feel confident in respecting just this–how they feel.

Let’s help these young men and women know that we are a strong resource they can count on when those doubts and worries do worm their way in, for they will. And let’s help them each know that we have confidence in their ability to manage those doubts and worries, for they ARE strong, from the inside out, despite those doubts and worries. Or maybe, because of them.

Let’s take full responsibility for our individual roles in creating and perpetuating the very culture we are living in and let’s do so by taking the necessary, intentional, and thoughtful action steps towards the excellence we demand.

Let’s live the respect, care, and compassion we want our children to feel and grow into.

Here’s to the young woman who felt safe enough with me to share her feelings. And here’s to each of you working hard at growing future adults strong and clear from the inside out.

And here’s to asking for, finding, and living the excellence–no matter what the media and tech world portrays.

Thank you for listening…

Alice

Our Children NEED Us

June 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Warning–I’m stepping up on a soap box, here–and would like to make room for you to stand beside me. (If you are a parent of a baby, this absolutely pertains to you, as well…this is where it all begins and can be changed).

It is past time to get serious.

I, and many, many others (professionals and parents alike) are hearing how incredibly HARD and overwhelming and confusing all things SCREENS has become.

We are caught between “My kids are growing up in this tech world and have to learn how to live and work in it–hence, I’m going to let him have access to all things digital”…

To…

“I just don’t know what to DO. My child won’t listen, come to the table, stop playing on his device, is often testy and even angry, and I just feel LOST in how to GET HIM TO STOP”

To…

“I’m very, very frightened.”

This, from many, MANY parents of teens (12 on up) who are depressed, anxious, suicidal. Who are addicted, lost, shut out of the family, unable to connect with others, irritable at best, suicidal at worst. The numbers have gone rocketing skyward this past decade…just as our digital device and screen use has, as well. Lots of research on this one.

This is our culture and lives as we immerse ourselves ever deeper into digital devices. We have bought into what all the makers of all things digital are feeding us. That we NEED this. And yet, not only are they the ones keeping their own children away from them, they are also the ones saying they develop these in such a way to BE addicting. That way we do need them. And we spend our money, immerse ourselves deeper, and then our need becomes addiction. Many of us have felt this pull.

Many of us have gone down the rabbit hole all the way to anxiety and depression. Maybe you, reading this right now, realize you are one. I know I’ve been there.

We are losing our kids to all of this, too.

And many of our schools (even as teachers are expressing real concern and discontent over this) are buying into it fully. Screens are all the way down into Kindergarten, and many preschools as well. Families are handing their infants and toddlers their phone to play on…an iPad to sit in front of…remember that iPotty that was marketed for awhile? Scary.

Middle and High schools are wanting kids to bring in their smart phones–ostensibly for using as part of their classroom work–and yet, what do we know about this age group? Far more interested in peers…and this takes them to social media, porn, all things centered around what matters most to them–friends and sex and independence (from us).

**What is considered best practices when it comes to teaching?**

Research for decades has shown “hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences” to be. Not sitting in front of screens at length. (And yes, screen use within a rich and diverse curriculum is an entirely different story yet a seldom heard one–probably because they become the emphasis rather than just a part).

What to do?

ASK your schools HOW they know screens are the way children learn best. Find out what they’ve noticed as a result of incorporating screens. Talk to the teachers (many of whom are equally concerned and frustrated). Ask them to SHOW you the research they are basing all this on. There is plenty of research to show otherwise.

ASK yourself how YOUR use of your phone or other devices is truly helping you build connected, respectful relationships with your children. Oh heck–with your SELF.

ASK yourself just what you want the most as you think to the future with your children–what kind of family life, what kind of relationships, what kind of LEARNER do you want to send out into the world? Then think about right now. What are you doing to support just what you hope for. What MORE can you do? And how much of it is about managing your own screen time so your children can learn to manage theirs?

ASK yourself what you need for yourself that you can stand strong and clear in saying NO to your child begging for a smart phone. NO to “but everyone else is doing it, mom!” NO to distracted interactions. NO to “just one more text, post, movie, You Tube, video game…”

Our children need us.

To feel empowered to stand for what, in our gut, we know is right and good and all things growth oriented.

To go to the teachers, schools, administrators, and any one else you can and tell them NO to all things screens in your schools.

To educate yourself on just what best practices and developmentally appropriate means for each age and stage.

To stand for the kind of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based learning environments kids do best in.

To go to EACH OTHER and support, encourage, talk. It’s going to take a serious village to get a handle on our screen use so we CAN grow in healthy ways. We need each other.

It’s going to take a village to stand up to the makers of all things tech/digital/screen and say NO we don’t NEED this in order to live and be well. That designing things in such a way they become addicting is NEVER okay.

We have to work hard at swinging our culture towards healthy living, relating, growing, thriving. It is going to take YOU. Starting today and becoming clear and intentional about what is important for you and your family. And then being the parent and standing for it. Strongly.

No matter how your child or others react–stand strong, clear, certain in your intent to grow healthy everything in your family.

There is plenty of help for you. There are plenty of others walking your path. Join them. Be vocal. Share your own struggles. Come up with small steps towards balance with all things screens.

Want to explore more? Check out the Children’s Screen Time Network. Check out the link to their conference. Lots of info waiting for you there. Check out their resources. Amazing. Take a look at an article I wrote We Need to KNOW and Say NO

Let’s get the conversation and then the action going. Share right here, share on my Facebook page. Share your questions, concerns, what IS working.

Let’s help everyone become more aware and educated on what is happening, with the hope being all of you just starting out on your parenting journey will begin today, with your baby, to choose actions that strengthen connection, respect, healthy growth and development.

Okay. I’m stepping to the side of my soap box. Making room for YOU to stand alongside me.

Our children need us.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Continue…