We are mothers. We all have stories to share.
An excerpt from “Parenting Through Relationship” for you:
In honor of YOU for Mother’s Day, and in honor of the most difficult and rewarding job you are in the midst of, and in honor of the village it takes to support a mother well, here are a few stories of mine to bring a smile to your face, a bit of understanding to your heart, a chance to feel all the good company you have as you move along your parenting journey…
…being sleep deprived for months on end and trying once, for one hour on one evening, to let my baby cry herself to sleep.
…being blown out of the water by the transition from a terrific two-year-old to an out-of-bounds, testing, cranky 3-year-old (and here I was supposed to ‘know’ what to do, since this IS my profession!) and crying on her preschool teacher’s shoulders as I struggled with this chaos presented to me.
…totally confused over what consequence I needed to impart to ‘make my child behave.’
…captivated by how my little ones explored, how absorbed they were in little things like lids on containers, buds on bushes, dried up moose poop and how it crumbles when you squash it 
…being in tears over the mean girl stuff and hurt feelings my elementary girls found themselves in the midst of…and wondering what I needed to do. That was a really tough one.
…having times of sheer frustration of THAT TONE of my teen, of the eye rolling, the sarcasm, the desire for greater independence (which meant I had to calm myself down and let go of the control I so wished I could hang on to!).
…being totally delighted as I watched my girls in any and all of their endeavors–whether it was organized sports, a neighborhood capture the flag game, music performances, a teen party that ended in a pool-noodle-whack-fest.
...praying with my husband that our two young adult daughters were safe and sound even though they were hours overdue and up in the snowy mountains of Oregon.
…standing by my NO–and caving in just as often.
...struggling with leaving my young daughters with their first babysitter…oh heck, just finding the babysitter I could trust completely!! No one is like mom…right?
...being unable to tear my eyes away from my (finally!) sound asleep and simply adorable babies–even thought I had a ton of chores to catch up on!
…staying up w-a-y too late just to actually have a quiet conversation with my husband and paid for it by exhaustion the next day. Oh, but it was worth it. So was conquering the always growing pile of laundry. Felt good, waking up the next day with THAT job out of the way.
I’ve laughed, cried, relished, cherished, fought, yelled, hugged, fallen asleep while reading endless piles of books, and was a short order cook on many occasions. Just like each of you. My stories are how I got to where I am now, to being able to share with you, support and encourage you, hopefully inspire you. Your stories can do the same for others.
Parenting is simply the most rewarding and most difficult
job we will ever do; we need each other to carry us along.
I hope you will consider me a part of YOUR village. My work is here to support, encourage, and empower YOU.
Make YOUR Mother’s Day as special as you are.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
With Gratitude
November 16, 2020 Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment
Thanksgiving. Gratefulness. They go together, don’t they?
And yet gratefulness can so often be defined by loss and sadness. Perhaps that is why we feel the grateful well up inside us…
I’m thinking of any and all loss due to storms, fires, tragic events. I’m thinking Mister Rogers, almost daily right now as fires rage in areas not far from many I know and love. Because Mister Rogers? He spoke always of looking for the helpers. 
And it is in looking for the helpers that our deeply felt gratefulness arises. For it is the helpers who take what has been total loss, overwhelming grief, you name it, and given all of it a safe place to be felt, processed, managed, and–hopefully and in time–moved through.
It is looking for and finding all those who, no matter the tragedy and loss surrounding them, are rolling up their sleeves, reaching out, helping. Maybe through seemingly little things such as providing shelter for someone’s pets as they scramble to also find housing for their family…
Maybe by providing dry socks and underwear. Or a solid meal. Water. A hug. Maybe they are making the calls the ones hit by tragedy are unable to.
Perhaps those helpers are the ones physically present to the broken-hearted and overwhelmed and are ***just*** listening. Being there. Walking alongside. Encouraging when possible. Keeping company for sure.
Perhaps it is those willing to go back “in” to where things happened and find personal items for those who can’t. Or dig up all the extra blankets and books and clothing needed and making sure they get handed out to those who need them the most.
Definitely the helpers are the front-liners–firefighters, medical professionals, police, EMTs, search and rescue folks, the Red Cross…oh so many.
Looking for and BEING a helper
fills us with the relief, gratitude, compassion that makes a real and positive and meaningful difference to all.
This Thanksgiving? Every day? I am grateful to each and every one of you who are reaching out to help anyone in your life or community who is in need. We really can make a real difference in our world by doing just this. Little ways. Big ways. No matter. Just DOING.
Make your Thanksgiving full of gratitude. Maybe defined by loss and sadness, maybe one full of joy. Maybe both. What we focus on grows and GRATITUDE is powerful.
May you each have time with those you love in the next few days…
With gratitude,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
The Difference Trust Makes
October 23, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment
How would YOU feel if…
...you knew without a doubt when you needed something you received it? That even if you had to wait a bit, this knowing made the wait okay?
…you could absolutely 100% count on another? Always? No matter what?
…the most important person in your life truly delighted with great JOY in and with you?
…the most important person in your life surrounded your Great Big Sad with a gentle, understanding presence?
…you were given all the time you needed to make sense out of life and the reassurance of trusted company along the way?
I believe you’d feel STRONG. I know I would. Strong from the inside out. Better able to sort through feelings. Aware of what makes you tick and accepting yourself. Able to relate well with others, for you understand their needs and feelings, too.
You’d be able to TRUST. The foundation for all healthy living and relationships.
I’ve watched many Mamas and Papas over the years and have had the privilege of seeing many children grow into strong and healthy adults from this base of respect, care, love our little ones need from us. And I’ve seen the pain and conflict that happens—the lack of trust in themselves, the world, another-–that can undermine just about everything when this kind of respectful relating and trust building is missed.
This solid foundation of trust? It is initially built in infancy. How we respectfully answer our baby’s needs. How we understand they need us nearby for them to check in with–visually and physically. How we watch and listen and put words to their actions and feelings. How we let them know what needs to happen before we do it. How we ask them if they are ready, or hungry, or sleepy and then respond accordingly. How we PAUSE often to first observe.
And it is essential all through childhood.
It’s tough to do when you have a life of work, school, appointments, multiple kids and maybe a missing partner and whatever and all other challenges.
It requires us to slow it down in whatever way we can.
It has us strengthening our ability to be fully present–even for just a few moments.
It asks us to be clear and intentional about how we want the future to look–not just the next hour. Or minute. Though there are times when that really is all we can do–look to the next minute. And yet, we can be intentional with just how we handle that next minute.
It is about taking time. Taking time to build relationships
that can feel strong from the inside out.
This can happen no matter how intensely HARD our life is. It can happen…
…in the midst of the RUSH by pausing for a few extra seconds to really look at your little one and let them know it is a rush and together you will get through it.
…as you just once today are able to actually PAUSE and respond from a place of calm.
…at family dinner time–even if it is the ONLY time you are together and present.
…as you sit to nurse–and you choose to ONLY sit and nurse rather than scroll through your phone and catch up on texts, emails, social media. Or maybe read to your preschooler as your baby nurses…all snuggled up together.
…in the car as you sing, talk, and listen; on a walk as you pay less attention to how far you are getting and more to what your child is curious about; at a doctor appointment as you talk and read together while in the waiting room; at day-care drop off as you take the extra minutes to respectfully transition your child with care and attention; even in the long and frustrating line at the store as you play I Spy, or finger games, or just wiggle your eyebrows at each other…
Taking time. Building trust so your little one
CAN count on you. Depositing as often as you can into the kind
of relationship you want the most.
Today, deposit. Communicate to your little one in whatever way you can in your situation that they CAN count on you. Take a moment to really watch them. Listen to them. Have a conversation with them. Share JOY, sad, mad, success, a nap, a bath, a book, a moment. It all counts.
Know that by doing so you are giving them exactly what they need in order to grow well–strong, from the inside out. What a gift to our children. What we focus on grows.
Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Racism and Our Children
June 7, 2020 Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
I appreciate this comic from Fowl Language that is in response to the protests that have defined our country following the unnecessary and cruel death of George Floyd. There are some very important things depicted here…:
The recognition that talking about racism is important.
The sharing of the media experience between parent and child.
The ability to put words to feelings.
And the need to talk about it despite it making someone sad or mad.
Young children need to be, to the best of their adult’s ability, protected from the intensity and the violence of recent; of any violence at any time. Think Mister Rogers. This is a time of talking about and looking for the helpers, empathizing, showing compassion. If they do get exposed, know that your ability to name and affirm their feelings, and exploring ways they might want to help are two things you can actively do. And did you know PLAY is essential for children to process feelings and experiences they don’t understand or have been greatly impacted by? Children work out so much of the HARD through play–being sure your child has time to do so is important.
And it is a perfect time while your children are young to expose them to the wonderful diversity of our world, to what fairness, acceptance, kindness are all about, and what it means to be equal. These little guys? They absorb EVERY thing you do and say. This is an essential time to be intentional with your words and actions. They are powerful and your little ones are watching and learning. Check out Embrace Race. They have wonderful resources parents can learn from and use.
Older children often do see and hear a tremendous amount of the goings on–whether you’ve shared with them directly or not. What I appreciate about this comic is the sad the child feels and the acceptance the parent shows…combined with the necessity to talk about things even if it brings hard feelings.
Talking about these difficult things requires us to PAUSE…and consider what we want our child to learn about racism, how much they are ready for, and how best to go about it. And to be aware of what helps our child be receptive to our words; when they need less or more from us.
It definitely requires honesty and gentleness that respects both your child and the topic. And our willingness to step into educating (ourselves, too), listening, reaching out to help others–this can be powerful role-modeling for children of all ages.
And it requires US to be as comfortable as possible in our child’s sadness or fear as we also talk honestly about racism. They may be sad, mad, confused–and now it is also time to help them process their big or unmanageable feelings. Always start by empathizing and affirming however they feel. Let them talk. Ask them questions to help them sort things out for themselves. Share ways people can help; brainstorm ways they’d like to help, things they’d like to do to understand racism further, to create positive change.
Children are amazing with ideas to productively move forward at times like these. We’ve seen it in responses to Covid-19. We can see it now, as well. Together you can decide what your family can do to make a stand for justice, fairness, acceptance, equality.
Racism is to be talked about. We can do this and we can be and need to be better. Share your ideas, what is working in your family as you, too, navigate the hard of our times.
Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020 Alice Hanscam
Social Media, Smart Phones and Our Children
October 28, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment
“It’s not so different now. Back when I was in school I remember being embarrassed and even devastated at times over what someone said about me. I got over it.”
“Things really haven’t changed that much–kids talk behind each other’s backs just like they did when I was that age.”
“Oh those middle-school kids! They are all about embarrassing and being embarrassed. They’ll grow out of it.”
You know what? Things HAVE changed. Children often cannot “get over it” or “grow out of it.” They can’t, anymore. Because now everything is recorded, shared, snap chatted, gone viral, there for the world to see. Forever. Check out this article. It is excellent. And it is only comparing 2008 to 2018: “Middle School Misfortunes Then and Now, One Teacher’s Take”
What stands out to me is the impact smart phones and social media have on the psyches of our children (and us!).
Consider these:
~ The dopamine hit that causes addiction like behavior–replaying and replaying what is so hurtful when you are the one hurt; refreshing and refreshing if you are the one doing the hurting–how many likes does my video or photo have NOW?
~ The inability to remove yourself successfully from all things embarrassing and letting your feelings process and dissipate. Instead of “time will make it better” it becomes “time amplifies and magnifies.”
~ Instead of choosing whom you want to share your experience with and when you want to do so, it is decided for you. Over and over and over again as something is shared online.
~ The lack of a “safe haven” that home ought to be–once you get home after school, you’re supposed to be able to breathe a sigh of relief, for you are away from all that happened at school. No more–for with all the devices now at home and family members equally engulfed by them, your school life has become your home life. There can be no safe space once something is online, shared, forwarded from one person to the next.
~ The greater divide that unfolds between the child hurt and embarrassed by being the subject of derisive social media posts and the child whose addiction to getting more and more likes. The first, as they seek to feel better by being “liked” or “followed” is sinking deeper into what feels like and often becomes rejection followed by depression; the second becomes bolstered towards bullying and often without understanding what they are doing, for their attention is on feeling good. All via “likes” and “follows.”
~ No longer having the respite family creates, for so often you come home to the disconnection caused by each member equally involved with devices. No wonder children can end up even further down this rabbit hole of social media and devices–if family life no longer offers the support, presence, “safe haven” from all the upsetting middle-school (and teen and elementary, too!) experiences, then the hurt child and the instigator child have no buffer necessary for processing, growing, learning. For emotional wellness.
Things ARE different. Our children need us
to do better so they can, too.
Directly from the author (Benjamin Conlon) of the article:
Smart phone and social media have “fundamentally altered how children interact with the world and not in a good way. We can change that. In addition to the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, consider taking the following steps to help your children reclaim childhood:
-
Propose that administrators and teachers stop using social media for school related purposes. In many districts teachers are encouraged to employ Twitter and Instagram for classroom updates. This is a bad thing. It normalizes the process of posting content without consent and teaches children that everything exciting is best viewed through a recording iPhone. It also reinforces the notion that ‘likes’ determine value. Rather than reading tweets from your child’s teacher, talk to your children each day. Ask what’s going on in school. They’ll appreciate it.
-
Insist that technology education include a unit on phone etiquette, the dark sides of social media and the long-term ramifications of posting online. Make sure students hear from individuals who have unwittingly and unwillingly been turned into viral videos.
-
Tell your children stories from your own childhood. Point out how few of them could have happened if smartphones had been around. Remind your children that they will some day grow up and want stories of their own. An afternoon spent online doesn’t make for very good one.
-
Teach your children that boredom is important. They should be bored. Leonardo Da Vinci was bored. So was Einstein. Boredom breeds creativity and new ideas and experiences. Cherish boredom.
-
Remind them that, as the saying goes, adventures don’t come calling like unexpected cousins. They have to be found. Tell them to go outside and explore the real world. Childhood is fleeting. It shouldn’t be spent staring at a screen.” (Benjamin Conlon)
YES. To all of what he writes. Wait until Eighth. Wait longer if you can. Protect your child’s health and well-being and give them the gift of a social-media, smart-phone-free childhood for as long as possible–at minimum in your own home.
Check out my article, Keeping Our Children Safe. Check out another article about the importance of being bored and empty spaces right here.
Things ARE different for our children in this age of social media. What isn’t different is how each and every one of us work hard at parenting well, wanting the best for our children, striving always to grow healthy, happy, successful future adults. Feel encouraged by connecting with other parents, sharing your own concerns, as well as what works in your family, and become the village our children and each of us need for ensuring healthy childhoods and lives. We are all worth it.
A community to join to find support, encouragement, research, and more: The Screen Time Action Network.
With appreciation and HOPE,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Alone Together
May 3, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment
Alone Together. “In the age of screens, families are spending more time ‘alone together.'”
Sounds good in some ways, doesn’t it? Alone Together out in the woods. Around a campfire. Day-dreaming alongside each other. Maybe meandering on a quiet walk, both lost in your own thoughts. Or hanging out in the living room all doing something different and yet, together.
Alone Together with Technology means something entirely different….as Sherry Turkle says (a professor at MIT):
“…“alone together” (labels) our heightened disconnection, which she said has resulted in kids not knowing how to empathize with each other or communicate effectively. “Across generations, technology is implicated in this assault on empathy,” she wrote in the New York Times. “We’ve gotten used to being connected all the time, but we have found ways around conversation—at least from conversation that is open-ended and spontaneous, in which we play with ideas and allow ourselves to be fully present and vulnerable.”
THIS is what I see, hear, and experience. THIS is why I write what I do for each of you as you work at understanding and intentionally changing how you use digital devices; how you recognize what is essential in building healthy relationships and growing healthy children.
This Alone Together creates dis-connection more often than not.
It interrupts real time, in person connection. It definitely can cause more angst on many levels–from being irritated with each other, to depression in our teens and young adults.
It certainly displaces the development of creativity and imagination, focused attention (though isn’t that funny, how focused our kids and ourselves can be on our devices…and yet, this in itself creates the inability to stay focused at length on conversations with another, a lesson in school, getting lost in a good book, being able to truly immerse ourselves in something hands-on and in real time).
It challenges physical development as our kids sit too much, are passively engaged with a device. It displaces language development, critical thinking skills–something we are in desperate need of more than ever as we are faced with an onslaught of “fake news” where-ever we turn. We need to be able to hone and use our critical thinking skills to navigate life.
And EMPATHY. It displaces the ability to empathize, for empathy takes the development of deep connection which spurs on compassion and understanding of another. It encourages acceptance, love, forgiveness. Empathy. It is essential.
And YES, time on devices CAN become a part of healthy development and it requires our own education of what it all means, our understanding of its impact, our role-modeling, our intentional selves getting clear about just how best to integrate these tools into our lives in ways that are relationship-building.
Interested in learning more? Explore these links to my writing that may help and lead you to other resources. Check them out if you ‘d like. They include “What TO do instead of a screen?,” “Our Children, Our Technology“, “Digital Wellness in the Age of Distraction”, “Our Children NEED Us”, “We Need to Know and Say NO”, “Connection vs Disconnection.”
And now go be Together Together. Fully present to whomever you are with. FULLY. It is essential for all of us to live well, to thrive.
Be sure to check out the Screen Time Action Network for resources, community, and more!
Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Said with a huff, “Parents these days!”
September 26, 2018 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment
Said with a huff, “Parents these days! They are doing SUCH a poor job…”
Or maybe (and equally with a huff), “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”
Or perhaps, “In MY day we knew how to make our kids behave!”
And off go the adults huffing and puffing…and on go the kids being anywhere from over-the-top challenging to as typical as typical can be…
…and sink-into-an-embarrassment hole goes mom or dad, or maybe just the opposite as their blood pressure goes over-the-top just like the kids…
And THEN…well? Who knows. Maybe everyone gets moved along their way as if nothing is happening–hush hush, now, let’s go. Or maybe mom or dad try ever so hard to get their child to “behave.” Or maybe everyone blows. None of it very pretty. Or effective.
Or encouraging.
And this is where I’m going. It feels pretty awful to have others throwing comments your way or even just thinking them that are all about CRITICISM. And really, isn’t this way more about the critical adult’s discomfort over what seems to be less than wonderful behavior? Discomfort over something they’d LIKE to control and can’t?
I think so. Discomfort that can feel like frustration. Or embarrassment for another, and hence yourself since you now feel embarrassed you are embarrassed. Or maybe just plain anger. And it is expressed verbally, critically, often in what seems to be a “light” manner with that nudge nudge don’t you agree or an eye-roll, or sarcasm.
Consider this. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes support, encouragement, understanding, compassion, extra hands, more time than you ever realized, lots of self-care…
Criticism offers none of these. Appreciation offers all of them. I’m done with–and actually rarely participated in, anyway–chuckling and ha-ha-ing a bit with those who say things like that. I’m done with walking away and rolling MY eyes at my husband who knows exactly what I’m thinking. Nope. No more. Because I intend to get much better myself at staying true to what I believe and know…even if discomfort reins.
Said (by me) to those huffing and puffing over “Parents these days!”, “You know, I think parents these days are doing a darn good job with an extraordinarily tough job–and since it takes a village to raise a child, I am sure they’d appreciate any support and encouragement you can give…”
Said (by me) to those declaring, “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”, “You know what, it is really really hard when our child loses it in the store. Seems to me she is working hard at being calm and I think that is exactly what will help the most. I’m going to see if she needs an extra hand…”
Said (by me) to those sure that in THEIR day they did it “right” by “making” their kids behave, “Yep. It’s certainly different now, as we work hard at helping our children grow into independent, self-directed, compassionate adults…” (okay, so I haven’t said that YET, but I’m working on it…)
Encouragement. Appreciation. Support.
Even a quick smile. What a difference for parents when others around them care enough to put aside their own discomfort over what can be a less than wonderful scene and at minimum THINK support, compassion, encouragement.
Even better, offer those needed extra hands, or an appreciative “It’s tough! I get it. Can I help?”, or an understanding smile, or actually step in when kids need to know what they are to do differently, what is expected (like recently in a hummingbird exhibit showing some curious and exuberant children where TO stand and how to be as still as possible as they studied a mama hummingbird in her nest…rather than poking and prodding and bumping and disrupting…) Amazing and rather simple when you think about it when kids are shown what they CAN do rather than be yelled at, yanked, told to quit… Actually, that’s a whole other post to write and its all about what we focus on grows…
.
Just think what could be different for all of us if we felt and experienced this support and encouragement instead of critical eyes and words when we are most embarrassed, upset, frustrated. Just think.
And just think what our children will learn about their world around them–that we are all in this together, striving to do our best and being better every single day, and that they (and us!) can count on this village to be there for them. No matter what. Helping them become their very best, as well.
How cool would that be? Today, appreciate, first and foremost. I think you’ll like what it can change…and how it feels. I know I do.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Let those (ever-so-big and upsetting) feelings FINISH.
September 7, 2018 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment
“I just have to finish my cry.” (Teacher Tom)
All the way. Completely.
I truly appreciate this article on Teacher Tom’s blog. All about sitting with another in an uncomfortable place. This is something our children are ever so good at giving us LOTS of opportunity to do–to grow ourselves as we get better and better at sitting in another’s upset, sad, discomfort without trying to fix or judge or excuse.
This, I believe, is true empathy.It is the ability to step
into another’s shoes, accept their experience and feelings as based
in their truth (not necessarily ours), and connect.
Not fix or judge or excuse, but connect.
This is difficult. We all want those LOUD feelings to just go away–way less embarrassing, uncomfortable, aggravating.
We all want our deeply hurt child to be no longer deeply hurt (and to make sure the person who hurt their feelings so deeply apologizes! Go check out my “say your sorry” article! 
). We all want that toy throwing, foot stomping, door slamming, tantrum throwing child (or teen!) to COOL THEIR JETS. Now. For heaven’s sake hurry up we don’t have time for you to finish your cry completely. Pull it together!
And yet…take a moment and consider the messages we can communicate when we let our anxiety over our child’s big (and very real) feelings get in the way of connecting in a relationship-building way. Consider these:
...”I can’t handle how you are behaving and feeling.” Whew. For a child to hear that the most mature person cannot handle how the least mature person is feeling–that is truly scary.
...”How you feel doesn’t matter…isn’t important…is not valued…” Yikes. Probably never what we want to communicate…we ALL want our feelings to matter and be valued–to be heard and understood and welcomed into a safe, loving place…
...”You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset…” Talk about rocking a child’s world and undermining the trust on which all is built.
...”You need ME to tell you how you SHOULD be feeling, handling this, thinking, behaving…” Now there’s an often well-meaning response, but all it really does is undermine our child’s confidence in themselves and ability to manage themselves…and have them turning more and more to others to fix, tell how, think for…
…”How you feel isn’t okay/good/allowed. You need to feel differently (aka, happy)!” Here’s the deal–as much as “happy” is way easier, if our response to our child’s big upset feelings is to get happy, then we are displacing just what makes us whole and wonderful human beings–our incredible and valuable range of feelings. The more deeply we feel, the more incredible joy and connection is ours to be had.
Okay. So those are some of the messages we give another when we are unable to “let them finish their cry.” Here’s a short story for you I shared initially on Teacher Tom’s post that highlights the power of letting someone finish their cry:
“To be allowed to finish your cry…how essential for all things relationship-building. I know a young mama whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over a vacuum incident and pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t comfort him, she paused…sat herself down across the room from him and waited for him to finish his cry.
She found her self quietly talking to him, affirming his upset, and eventually (maybe for her own comfort!) starting to sing. This had her little guy pausing a bit in his Big Cry…then toddling across the floor to fling himself into her arms and finishing his cry. Now mama cried as she gratefully comforted her son and realized what a gift she had just given him: an opportunity to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm and connected (even from a distance) even though he couldn’t (what a way to feel safe and secure). So much learned…and mama just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset!”
I just have to finish my cry. YES. To grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit in another’s discomfort is a real gift for all.
Today, see what works for you to PAUSE in your child’s upset.
Consider letting them “finish their cry completely.” Decide how that might look for you and for your child. Think about empathy…and how, in their truth, whatever pushed their button was worth the big feelings.
Let them know you are there and be a quiet presence for them. Notice what it takes for you–talk to your anxiety, your discomfort, your irritation. Discover what works for you to manage YOUR feelings so your child can learn to manage theirs.
And wait. Your child will let you know just when he needs more than your company…or you will know because you’ve waited quietly alongside (or across the room!), staying present and keeping them company and tuned in to just what they need the most. Trust yourself–and value the discomfort YOU are feeling. It is what makes YOU a whole and wonderful human being.
Thank you, Teacher Tom. Your writing resonates, empowers, and inspires.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2015 Alice Hanscam