“I know, I know, he’s driving you nuts. I’m sure there is SOMETHING positive about it all…”
“Let’s look at the bright side!”
Ever get tired of hearing this? I know I do. Especially when, well…NOTHING seems all that positive….
Positive can feel totally inauthentic. It can feel “Polly-anna-ish.” Being asked to look at or find “something positive”–especially as your child is pushing your buttons to the Nth degree every single minute of the day or you are struggling just to make ends meet–can have you rolling your eyes, laughing right out loud, and very quickly no longer listening to whomever is telling you so.
Really, where IS the positive when things are so very bad, or you feeling so very, very low, or when your anxiety over whatever your child is doing is incredibly overwhelming?
Enter APPRECIATION.
And no, this isn’t about appreciating your child’s bad behavior, your raw fear, anxiety, anger, depression. Sometimes there is NO appreciating any of that.
And yet, appreciation is still possible. Try appreciating:
...that YOU are still “in the game” no matter what. No matter how fearful, anxious, mad you are. You are still “in the game.”
…finally falling into bed at night to sleep and being able to just shut out all the YUCK for even a short while. Even though it’ll still be there when you roll back out in the morning. Or in a few hours. At least you will be a bit more rested…
…how deeply you feel over all of what is pushing your button. This deep feeling? It speaks loudly of your care and concern and love for your child, for yourself.
…the super amazing cup of coffee you pour yourself after another sleepless night. SUPER amazing. Maybe add a bit of chocolate to go with it…
...being stuck in the traffic because it is giving you more time away from all the chaos at home…and a chance to listen to some music YOU like .
…how intent you are on growing a human being who can be polite, kind, compassionate…(even as it is NOT working and there is NO sign of manners, kindness, compassion. At least your intent is in place!)
...the hug you got earlier in the day…prior to the fight and tears. That hug? It still counts.
…the smiles exchanged as you passed others on the street. I enjoy that one, for I always feel a bit lifted as a result…
...the kindness of the fellow in line at the store who let you go first–your stress and overwhelmed self needed to get out of the store sooner. Somehow he just knew that. Kindness really does abound!
…how giving your kids a bowl of cereal for dinner is really all about you able to let go and relax into making something hard that much easier for you. SELF-CARE!
…that you are absolutely CLEAR that nothing is feeling good or going well. Clarity. It is a good thing!
Appreciation. And the cool thing?
As you work at appreciating rather than finding something positive, you’ve just made room for positive to happen. And it often does.
Find Alice’s books here!
Change–real, productive, meaningful change–happens. And mostly–YOU will feel better. Lifted. Empowered. LIBERATED from the spiral of yuck. Now you really can move forward and create the change you are wanting the most.
Talking back and argumentative or Skilled Negotiator?
Shy and all-too-quiet or Astute Observer?
Cry baby and incompetent or Sensitively Aware?
How you decide to ‘look’ at your child determines
what you (and they) experience…and then influences how
you choose to respond.
Consider these:
~ Your child is the one in a group situation who hangs at the periphery seemingly not engaging at all…and it worries you, “He’s missing out!” What is different for you if you see and appreciate it as your child is an Astute Observer who is seeing and feeling lots of things you don’t notice and are unaware of–that instead of missing out, they are soaking it up? Now how might you interact with them following this ‘periphery experience’?
~ Your child falls apart at the slightest thing–and always has since infancy! You wish that she’d be less the cry baby and able to ‘handle’ what comes her way. What is different for you as you appreciate how Sensitively Aware she is of all her feelings? What might you do differently as you look at her as handling her deep feelings in just the way that works best for her?
~ Or maybe you have a child (like I did) who constantly and annoyingly negotiates with you every step of the way, throwing right back at you THEIR solutions that you often know, without a doubt, aren’t ever going to be a choice. And of course it pushes your button and you end up in an argument that keeps on escalating. What if you saw this as your child being a Skilled Negotiator working hard at learning to problem solve in effective ways…or CAN learn if you step in seeing this as the strength it can be?! (Tough, I know. I’ve been there!)
~ Perhaps it is all the eye-rolling and sarcastic comments flung at you from your teen that really pushes your button to the Nth degree…URGH! What is different when you look at it as his way of coping with all the inner turmoil teens often experience? That he is trying super hard to keep himself together in the midst of extreme ups and downs? To be in control of himself? That the Skilled Negotiator, Fiercely Independent and Sensitively Aware inner strengths are ramping up all at once? Now what might you say or do the next time sarcasm, eye-rolling, and button pushing is flung your way?
~ The off-the-wall rambunctiousness of your child after school–talking at you constantly, moving their body full speed ahead, wanting your attention and time to play with you…and you just want it to be QUIET. Why can’t they just come home and chill for a while???
What is different for you as you recognize and appreciate that your child is an extrovert, unloading the stress of school and recharging by fully engaging you? And what is different as you recognize you really are an introvert who is Sensitively Aware and needs quiet time to recharge while your child is busily recharging himself in the way that works for him…?
~ Or maybe it is the opposite–your child comes home from school and says nary two words to you, disappearing into her room at length. You are dancing around this, wanting so much to know how her day went, what homework she has, who she ate lunch with, what things are to be planned for in the next few day. What could be different if you saw your child’s retreat as her way of taking care of herself so she can be at her best? That her Sensitively Aware and Astute Observer self is stepping up as she takes herself off to recharge–and this quiet time is exactly what she needs?
I think (actually, I know) all kinds of things could be different. Different in an appreciative, affirming, relationship-building way.Different in how your child understands themselves, listens to you, cooperates, collaborates, grows in healthy ways. And this reframing (for that is what it is) can be tough. Especially in the moment. So…
What does this require of YOU?
Pausing, often. Intentionally reframing what you see. Depositing into YOUR Self-Care-Savings Accountregularly. Reflecting on the kind of future adult you intend to grow. Acknowledging your own strengths–when you can be patient, calm, feel connected in relationship-building ways. Appreciating your SELF.
With practice and time, all kinds of cool things begin to happen. You will find yourself calming down, and appreciating who they are just a bit more. And as you calm down, I believe you’ll discover how you choose to respond to your child will be in ways that support and encourage and affirm them for who they are and actually grow what really are strengths that are necessary to be a future successful adult. I know what was relationship-depleting can become relationship-building, absolutely.
In return, your child can feel respected, understood, and empowered…
And now…
The child on the periphery may begin to move into the group and engage…what a way to grow their capable, competent, confident selves, able to use their strength at Astutely Observing and thrive.
The child that feels so deeply begins to understand and accept her feelings even more–allowing her to manage those feelings better and better…essential for growing well. Now their Sensitively Aware strength benefits them and all their relationships in rich and meaningful ways.
The annoying negotiator begins to feel you are on board as a team player and will begin to brainstorm solutions and truly problem solve…and now that strength at Skilled Negotiating truly steps up and can lead the way.
The eye-rolling/sarcastic stuff from your teen can lessen…and they may begin to get clearer and open up about what is really troubling them. Their Fiercely Independent selves begin to take responsibility for themselves…and that independence? Key for successful adulthood.
The introvert and extroverts feel accepted as-is, allowing them to feel recharged and able to engage in ways that work for all…what a way to nurture the Astute Observer, Skilled Negotiator, Sensitively Aware, and Fiercely Independent strengths that grow a child who is fully in charge of themselves! Self-directed and responsible. How cool is that?
And now, relationships can truly thrive!
I encourage you to try looking at the behavior that stirs up your anxiety through a lens of appreciation…
Find Alice’s books here!
And as you switch up how you look at their behavior and appreciate what they are working hard at, notice what is different for you, for your child, how it influences a situation. As you practice this, let me know what changes for you…because things will change, this I can promise.
~ excel academically, athletically, artistically…
~ behave beautifully in the grocery store at 5:30 following a long day in daycare
~ listen the first time you tell her what needs to happen
~ show amazing manners and be polite even to Aunt Martha or the neighbor
~ never throw a tantrum
…make it into college, or even want to go to college
~ know or do (something) without being told
~ know or do (something) despite being told over and over again
~ get in the car promptly, go to bed on time, do their homework agreeably, finish their homework because you said so, sit at the dinner table nicely, use a respectful tone of voice, have their backpack ready to roll…teeth brushed…clothes on…and to school on time–WITH their homework remembered (and done).
~ get ANY thing “right” the first time…
…in order for you to feel ‘the good parent’, the parent who has done their job well, the parent who has the good kids, the smart kids, the kids who “have it together.” You do not have to prove yourself to anyone other than the children in your care.
Prove to them you will:
~ walk alongside them no matter their choices
~ accept and love them just as they are AND keep a vision of all you intend so today your actions and responses can be in alignment with just what you want the most…
~ keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot
~keep your promises–as often as possible and with great intention, whether it is for the treat you promised or the consequence they earned.
~ calmly and consistently and with gentle connection follow through with their choices–communicating to them they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do.
~ believe they are competent, capable, truly ABLE individuals.
Prove to them you will continually work on growing yourself to feel calm, clear, and confident in who you are so you can be your best as a parent.
Prove to them you can let go of needing them to be/think/feel the way you want them to and know you are a good parent, a parent who is doing their job well no matter how they decide to behave.
Find Alice’s books here!
Stand true and strong in who you are for it is from there we can truly feel and be our best–no need to prove your worth by how your children behave. You are already an amazing parent, working hard at parenting well. Celebrate this!
A story with a do-over for you (and how we all wish for a do-over at times!):
A favorite very public play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R.
Mama wanted to move back into the play area–for she knew well enough that if her daughter didn’t have enough time she could count on an embarrassing fit to be thrown. She felt the tension rise as she tried convincing her preschooler to finish quickly so that they could have time to play more.
Miss Four would have none of it: “NO! I’m not DONE.”
Bribing her didn’t work and threatening her that she’d have no more time to play fell on deaf ears. Mama, frustration taking over, had enough of her daughter not obeying. She turned off the faucet and pulled Miss Four out of the bathroom. Her daughter screamed and kicked as Mama, frustrated, mortified, (and fuming!) yelled right back with, “You aren’t minding me so we are going home!”
Off she marched with screaming and crying Miss Four struggling in her arms, feeling all eyes upon her. The fighting persisted all the way out to the car. By the time Miss Four was buckled in—an enormous accomplishment with a writhing four-year-old—exhaustion reigned. For both Mama and child.
As they drove home, Mama, with tears streaming down her face, thought—“Why can’t she just behave? If she’d only listen. I feel so EMBARRASSED…”
The ride home was miserable as Miss Four moved from screams to sobs to a fitful sleep. Upon arriving home, things just never got better.Miss Four got woken up too soon as she was pulled out of her car seat, the tantrum continued, Mama–at her wits end–enforced atime-out, and they both felt out of sorts the rest of the afternoon.
Sound even remotely familiar? I am most certain that you have either participated in a similar scene, or found yourself uncomfortable as you watch one unfold with another parent, friend, family member.
Here’s the deal–we DO get embarrassed, tense, even mortified–and it can leave us fuming, trying harder and harder to just make our child behave the way WE want them to. Here’s where the Power of PAUSE and the calm connection that follows can step in and make a positive impact…
Let’s replay this story with Mama taking a pause (or two or three) and letting calm connection rule:
A favorite play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Mama cringed at the potential of another round of tantrums from her preschool daughter. She knew her daughter really enjoyed what really became water play, but it usually meant a fit that playtime had to be shortened.
Mama could feel the pressure climb as she tried convincing Miss Four to be done so they can go play some more. Miss Four had none of it—“NO! I’m not DONE.”
Mama sighed. “Here we go again,” she thought!
She PAUSED by taking a deep breath and considered what she knew usually worked well for her daughter to move through these experiences with a bit more grace. She certainly had lots of experiences to reflect on, for they seem to come every 20 minutes or so… :-).
She began with letting her daughter know she could wash for one more minute and then it would be time to be all done. Something Mama knew for sure was how important it was for her daughter to have a sense of control via knowing just what to expect.
The minute passed, Miss Four was given the opportunity to turn off her faucet, yet still resisted :-). Water play really is fun!
Mama, who continued her PAUSE by staying quiet and focusing on relaxing during that extra minute (letting go of the WET that seemed to get everywhere!), calmly followed through what she had promised and reached over to turn off the faucet.
LOUD screams and tears burst forth from Miss Four.
Mama then took a few more deep breaths, reminded herself that these were tough experiences for preschoolers, and that she wanted her little one to discover she COULD handle the disappointment of being all done with something fun; that being disappointed and mad was okay and that Mama was someone she could count on to keep it together no matter how her daughter felt.
Mama’s pausing via breaths and encouraging self talk helped her act calm despite the fit from her daughter. She, acting as if she had the calm confidence she knew could make a difference, gathered up her puddle-of-a-four-year-old as best she could saying, “I know you wanted to wash for longer. It’s disappointing when you have to be done with something fun” and took her out into the hall that led back to the play place. “Here’s a good place to get your mad out. I will be right here and when you’ve calmed down and feel ready, we can go play some more.”
Miss Four continued with her MAD—yelling at her mom, lying on the floor kicking and crying.
A play place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”
And Mama waited–a PAUSE once again! Respectfully so.
Miss Four eventually wound down and Mama stepped close saying, “I can see you are feeling calmer. Are you ready to go play a bit more?”
“YES!” her daughter exclaimed. And off they went, with Miss Four zipping ahead saying, “Watch me, mommy!” Fours have an amazing power to flip from incredibly frustrating to wonderfully delightful :-).
When it was time to head home, Mama fully expected a total meltdown once again, and was pleasantly surprised (and relieved!) to find that instead her daughter expressed her sadness with her words and stomping feet, “I don’t WANT to go. I LIKE it here…can we come back soon???” instead of kicking and screaming. They commiserated together as they stomped out to the car, buckling in with little effort. They returned home, shared a snack, and had an unremarkable afternoon together.
With her Mama creating pauses for herself, and leading the way with calm connection, Miss Four was able to better manage HER self all through the afternoon.
Whew! What a difference! Know this can be your experience, as well. With practice, a PAUSE, and the resulting calm confidence that can follow, you can expect (over time) a child who manages challenging moments with far more grace–for they will feel more in charge, capable, and confident.
Find all of Alice’s books here!
And the best part? Parenting can get a bit easier.Let my book, “Parenting Inspired,” help YOU create the positive change you want the most. Know that this story (from PAUSE) and more await you as you read my book(s)…
Life has turned upside down. Uncertainty reigns…along with fear, anxiety, worry, frustrations, kids beginning to drive you nuts, and absolutely NO time for yourself.
It is YOU I write to today. You and taking care of you so you can move through these challenging times in the best possible way. And know that can mean anything from just keeping your head above water, to actually feeling pretty darn good. Either way, you are in the game and THAT is to be appreciated.
Self-care is pretty tough to think about when all day long is spent with everyone based at home, work trying to be accomplished, brainstorming just what you all need to be okay, no school to give you a much needed break from kids, perhaps elders in your life you are caring for or about…
And yet…it all comes down to each one of us individually. We must first take care of ourselves in order to be in a good position to care for others.
So let’s start with you right now. Let this be your PAUSE to stop, take in a few deep breaths, let them out slowly, and examine the thoughts running through your head. You get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, what you decide to DO.
“I’m going crazy!” can become “This is really, really hard and I CAN move through it.”
“My kids are driving me nuts!” can become “Man, they are bouncing off the walls. I can keep myself together even if they can’t!”
“I’m worried sick.” can become “I am clear on how to live healthfully and am confident in the steps I take.”
“There is NO way I can get any work done!” can become “I find just the right time to accomplish what I need to.”
“I just don’t know what to DO!” can become, “I become clear about what needs to happen and can feel good I’m doing my best.”
What we say to ourselves MATTERS. It directly affects how we feel and then what we do. What does this require of you?Self-care.
Every little bit you do, intentionally and just for you, becomes a deposit into what I like to call your Self-Care Savings Account. And with even a little bit you now have more patience, resilience, ability to persevere.
Some ideas for you in the midst of all this craziness:
Stand extra long in your hot shower…
Choose your favorite mug, hot drink, and make it. Drinking it can be considered a bonus deposit!
Call a friend and chat for a few minutes.
Sit down and welcome your dog or cat into your lap and stroke their wonderful fur.
Do a few yoga stretches.
Watch a funny You Tube.
Take a lap around your yard…maybe stop to enjoy spring flowers or fresh critter prints in the snow.
Gaze at a favorite art print or photo and let good memories wash over you.
Find Alice’s books here!
Think about what you can do for just a minute or so, just for you, that would feel good. Then do it. Even in the midst of full-on craziness, there is time for this. And it is even more necessary than ever before.
Here’s to you in all our uncertainty and new-for-now reality. And here is another bit that might help:“Its OKAY”
I could tell you that we are bigger and greater than the world crisis we face and the struggles–emotional and physical–we each are immersed in.
I could tell you that if you *just* trust, all will be okay.
I could tell you, over and over again, that EVERY single challenge is filled with opportunity and gifts. That all you have to do is look to what you can appreciate, to how you want to be no matter what the world (or your kids) throw at you, to keep your site fixed on what you want the most.
I could fill this post with platitudes. Yet you’ve heard them all before. And they are tiresome.
I think, even if I feel strongly about the times we are in and the gifts and opportunities and, yes, hope that it is filled with, everything I’d say could go right on by you; or you’d roll your eyes, or perhaps even get mad. These things just don’t feel helpful in the moment.
Because perhaps you ARE struggling. Scared. Hurting and frustrated and overwhelmed and stressed.
Maybe you manage it well–keeping those upsetting feelings aside or buried so your kids or other loved ones see you as strong.
Maybe you don’t manage it well and your world is collapsing around you.
Maybe you are dealing with a profound loss–a loved one, a job, a home. School!
Maybe you just can’t think about anything other than the next moment and getting through it while still standing.
I get it. I, too, find myself struggling–emotionally, mostly. I can get caught up in the “what if’s” of loss of a loved one. Of not being able to say good bye. Of having finances crash around me. Of never hugging one of my daughters again.
And I get tired, too. Of the new protocol we’ve adopted for cleaning–groceries, mail, ourselves, you name it. Of hearing about children’s struggles with on-line learning and the loss of friends and other milestones we’ve taken for granted; parent’s struggles with maintaining sanity through it all.
Here’s what I DO know. And I truly hope this doesn’t sound like those tiresome platitudes.
I know that we ARE far greater than the challenges we face. We are. You can feel it in the seemingly infinite number of You Tube videos, letters, posts, community efforts that are filled with support, encouragement, light-heartedness…with CONNECTION.
You can feel it in the continual and persistent presence of JOY that can fill us, ever so briefly at times, as we listen to these videos, read these letters, posts, or participate or be the recipient of community efforts. Joy that perhaps is expressed through those tears streaming down your face.
You sense it via the gratitude and hope that expand within you, no matter how short-lived, as you hear of the medical providers, scientists, and other Good Samaritans–all over our world–who are risking themselves, for us. Who speak to the progress, the support, the good and kind and possibilities and solutions. Who are working hard, for us.
And you can strengthen this expansive feeling within you. You can feel this gratitude, hope, lightness, even JOY more and more because you are far greater than the challenges you face.
How?
In many ways. In oh so many ways. For me, it always comes down to PAUSE, for this is what I feel empowers. It looks in many different ways…
…prayer can be a PAUSE that empowers …meditation can be a PAUSE that empowers …quiet can be a PAUSE that empowers …breathing deeply can be a PAUSE that empowers …appreciating can be a PAUSE that empowers …gazing at a beautiful-to-you thing can be a PAUSE that empowers …exercise you enjoy can be a PAUSE that empowers …being still can be a PAUSE that empowers …being fully present to right NOW can be a PAUSE that empowers. Even if that fully present is *just* to your very upset child, the crochet project you are working on, the next thing on your list for today, the mess you are in the midst of cleaning up.
PAUSE. No matter how your pause looks or how brief it is, it can empower you. It begins as a bit of calm…and grows into something so much more powerful. So much so I wrote an entire book on it. For you and for me.
Because times of struggle? No matter how great and overwhelming and scary? They call upon us to dig down deep into ourselves and slowly recognize how we, though maybe physically alone, are emotionally and spiritually so very, very connected. When we’ve been able to find that semblance of calm within us via our PAUSE, we begin to tune ourselves into this connection.
This is why we feel those moments of gratitude swelling up within us. Or why, just as we are thinking of our dear friend, they call us. Or how lifting it can feel to help another. This is why our children seem to do better, things settle a bit more at home, we feel steadier and stronger.
Connection. It is powerful.
We are living this now–often being physically far apart, and yet, the connection we can feel with each other and, well, EVERY one is very real. And it is empowering. We can strengthen this feeling within us and all around us as we create the PAUSE that works for us.
For whatever you do to pause–even if it is only in the latest button pushing moment when you are able to calm yourself even a little bit–it will empower you just a bit more.
What we focus on grows.
Today, I send you a PAUSE that empowers. Feel the connection that we are all living. Take a moment to recognize and appreciate it. Let the presence of this connection fill you, lift you, carry you forward.
Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!
Then recognize that it begins from deep within you and is always there for you. Always. And this power you tap into as you strengthen your PAUSE will carry all of us forward in life-affirming ways, no matter what the world throws at us. This we can trust. I do.
Love and Light to each of you today.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
Pause today as your buttons are pushed and the HARD gets in the way. Let go of trying to “Be positive!” It’s okay, you know, to be having one of THOSE days...or weeks…
Instead, find something you can appreciate.
Perhaps:
That you are still in-the-game despite what your kids are throwing at you. Nothing fun or positive about the resistance and ignoring and demanding that surrounds you…plenty to appreciate that you are still “in the game.” Even if you are throwing up your arms, losing your temper, or resorting to toast with peanut butter for dinner. You are still there.
The fact that your teen DOES join you at the table for dinner, even if s/he is full of eye-rolls and sarcastic responses…or no responses at all. Their physical presence counts even if their emotional presence is driving you nuts.
The persistence of your little one (a strength, really!) even if it is all about persisting with something that really isn’t okay. Like continuing to dump your potted plant’s dirt onto the floor despite your patient self stopping them and redirecting over and over again. Or NOT staying in bed and continually coming to find you when it is well past nap or bedtime. Or the back and forth grabbing and pushing as your two kids fight over who gets what–neither is really listening to the other, and both know exactly what they want. Persistence! It’s driving you crazy…
Perhaps how a friend reached out just as you felt yourself getting swallowed up by All Things Parenting. Your overwhelmed self found yourself sobbing on their shoulder…followed by feeling a sense of release, relief, and companionship. All Things Parenting will still be there, and now you have the reassurance of good company to help you through. It really does take a village to raise a parent!
Or maybe appreciate that 30 seconds you had this morning to close your eyes and breathe (and have a few sips of your coffee!) even though the rest of your day has been lost to the craziness of being everywhere for everyone and probably late…as usual. Those 30-seconds count. Think Self-Care Deposit.
Find all of Alice’s books here!
Positives can be tough. Appreciations are everywhere.
Try pausing and then appreciating today as things ramp up and the last thing you can do is “Look at the positive side!” Notice what is different for you as a result…and remember, what you focus on grows 🙂
…leave your grocery cart half-full and deserted in the store because your child is over-the-top losing it and you just need to LEAVE…
…decide to throw up your arms and plunk yourself down and resign yourself to your kids being LATE to school…or you to your appointment or work or you name it and late is the name of the game today…
…lock the bathroom door for the few minutes you need to be A-L-O-N-E …no matter the LOUD outside the door…
…put your crying baby safely in her crib for the few minutes you need to tend to your totally distraught preschooler or totally-a-wreck SELF.
…pour a bowl of Cheerios for dinner…
…be thoroughly embarrassed by your child’s behavior at a friend’s house…
…decide to avoid responding to the excitement of your child over something that really hurts your heart or drives you nuts…
…decide TO respond to the excitement of your child over something that really hurts your heart or drives you nuts…and maybe in a not-so-productive-way…but hey, at least you responded.
…let your preschooler dance off to daycare in a ridiculous outfit of his or her choosing…and maybe the same one from yesterday and the day before and the day before and really, it NEEDS to get in the laundry, but…oh well…
…let your child discover what it feels like to get a not-so-wonderful grade on an assignment…rather than work ever-so-hard and frustratingly at getting them to do it “right” and now and finished…
…need help and ask for it…
…pull the car over to the side of the road, get out, and BREATHE while the kids continue to yell and scream and fight in the back seat…
It’s okay.
When you are at your wits end, when you are exhausted, confused, raw, buttons pushed to an extreme, or you name it, it is OKAY to let go and intentionally choose to throw in the towel, yell a bit, walk away for a moment, maybe take what feels like the easy way out.
Giving yourself a break now and again is essential for then re-charging, re-grouping, re-evaluating, and definitely re-connecting. This parenting deal? There IS no perfection. Only a real and honest try at doing better today then we did yesterday.
So today–take care of you so you can take care of your children. Be kind and gentle with yourself and your feelings, for this shows our children how to be with theirs. Maybe there will be a mess to clean up, maybe there will be big tears and slamming doors and real hurt felt.
Find Alice’s books here!
And now, because you will be better today than yesterday, you can open your arms to all the mess and hurt, gather it in, and truly, authentically, gratefully apologize, re-connect…
How could you with toddlers, preschoolers, four kids under age seven, work, a missing parenting partner, activities, meals, fights, tantrums, laundry, the dog who just threw up a pile of grass on your carpet, car-seat struggles, missing shoes and wallets and keys and spaghetti boiling over as you rush to get the door, stop your kid from falling off the bookshelf he just climbed up…add whatever current chaos is in your life…
Whew. Who would EVER have time to PAUSE in the midst of real-life parenting?
Here’s the deal. Pausing is WAY LESS about slowing yourself down to create a pause and much, much more about how pausing slows your life down.
And it is more about emotionally and mentally slowing down, rather than physically, though both happen. And the best thing? It doesn’t require YOU to slow down, first. Let that sink in. You still can go a million miles an hour…
YOU do not have to do the work at slowing in
order to create a PAUSE and feel the
steadying power it can bring.
Okay. So how does this really work? Today, when all heck is breaking loose and your buttons are pushed to the max, let your sarcastic self-talk say--“HA. And Alice thinks a pause is possible…yeah, right.”
And guess what? You’ve just paused. You’ve just created a bit of “space” between what is really yanking your chain and the response you are going to give it.
Maybe you still yell. Lose it. Say “AARGH! JUST QUIT FIGHTING.” Maybe. But you’ve created a bit of space without even knowing it. And THIS is to be noticed. Appreciated.
And repeated, for what we focus on grows.
Go write the word “PAUSE” on sticky notes and put them in key places in your house. I put it on my bathroom mirror and microwave. Another parent stuck it in his car. No matter where, do it.
And now you’ll see PAUSE. And the sarcastic self-talk will flow. Then in time you’ll notice that you HAVE created a bit of space and in that space you actually cooled your heat a notch.
It will have made a tiny difference–inside you, initially, for despite the YUCK you will realize you are better able to handle it. To let it roll. To not hang onto it and go round and round in your head over how guilty you feel or how mad you are at your kids.
Then the magic starts to occur. Your KIDS will settle a bit
faster. Listen a bit more. Be less intense as they act out. Intense, but less so. To be appreciated, believe me.
Now you’ll discover less need for your house to be filled with sticky notes, because that word, PAUSE, will sorta flash in your minds eye like a lit-up billboard. It’ll make you chuckle, now. Less sarcasm. You’ll discover you take an extra breath. Or walk away briefly. Or just stay quieter as you still rescue your child from the bookshelf, wipe up the pile of grass your dog through up, turn down the heat on the stove, let the calls go to voice mail, maybe still struggle with car-seats and missing shoes, wallets, keys…
But you’ll be a bit quieter. A bit steadier.
And calm connection will emerge…and feel
really, really amazing.
Something else that counts–just think “PAUSE” during the easy times. When kids are doing well, things feel rather under control. NOW think about how pausing looks for you and how calm connection feels. It can be so much easier to practice pausing and parenting with calm connection when things are already good.
Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!
And it counts.It will exercise that PAUSE muscle. So when the hard comes? You are less likely to blow. More likely to actually let your pause muscle flex, your ability to step in more calmly lead the way. Talk about relationship-building. All done without having to slow down and find the space to pause.
Just start with the word itself. That’s all.
Here’s to you, living your very real life and working hard at parenting well.
A PAUSE today to send out appreciation to each of you as you:
…yet again shove shoes on your uncooperative child to get them out the door with the hopes of being no later than you already are…
…stumble through your day following another sleep deprived night
…choose to let your baby cry safely in their crib for a few minutes while you take a much needed and deserved FAST hot shower
…marvel at your ability to catch the falling glass, rescue the pacifier from your dog’s mouth, put yourself between your fighting kids, and STILL keep a calm voice in the midst of it all…not to mention the gymnastics required to do all of this
…plunk your kids in front of a DVD so you can actually breathe for a short while (and maybe get dinner started…or put your feet up?)
...find yourself heating up as your teen rolls their eyes, shrugs their shoulders, uses THAT tone of voice
…successfully plan ahead for all potential ’emergencies’ before heading out on errands and to the park–you know, the snacks are made, the extra clothes packed, water bottles filled, baby wipes remembered, your wallet tucked where it needs to be…
…choosing to order pizza or nuke leftovers for the 3rd night this week–maybe with a few carrot sticks alongside. Maybe.
…actually have a twinkle in your eye as your toddler does the testing only toddlers can do
…manage week number three of illness running through your household–more runny noses, fevers, grumpy kids, throw-up to clean up, doctor appointments…and how you’ve put aside any or all of your original plans for these weeks as you focus solely on getting everyone back on their feet. Exhausting.
…open your arms to your wailing preschooler, giving them a safe place to feel their great big sad.
…wonder how you are going to make it through another day of crazy-busy…and then discover at the end of the day you did just that–made it through!
Appreciate your self. Find the gifts in it all–the chaos, the mad, the frustration, the twinkles, the successes, the challenges, the laughter. Appreciate your resilience, your efforts at planning, your compassion. Appreciate the time you carve out just for you so you can parent well–even if that means plugging your kids in for a bit or taking an extra minute in the hot shower while your little one cries.
Appreciate how TOUGH this parenting job can be and that you are still in it, moving through each day, juggling the often overwhelming nature of it all. Appreciate how you get daily (hourly!) opportunities to strengthen your patience, calm, creative, pause muscles. Appreciate the opportunities for do-overs…or those moments you actually stop yourself in the midst of blowing up, pause, reflect, and try again. Appreciate the deep caring all of this reflects–the deep caring and commitment you have for your children. What a gift.
Find Alice’s books here!
What an amazing role model you can be for your children.Know this. And appreciate all your work. PAUSE today and give yourself a hug in your minds-eye. Wrap yourself up in your arms, tell yourself some things you are appreciating about yourself, and cherish YOU.
Appreciation out to each of my readers as you embrace your parenting journey today…
Back-arching, jello legs, hitting, yelling, kicking, sobbing, throwing. A true melt-down or tantrum in progress, not very pretty nor fun and all while:
...in the middle of the cereal aisle in the grocery store–maybe with various items launching themselves out of the cart like one parent mentioned of recent regarding a jar of orange juice…and another, a jar of salsa…
...visiting your in-laws…you know, the ones who often leave you feeling less than adequate as a parent…
…exploring the museum that you finally got your courage up enough to take your child to because you REALLY wanted to show them the cool child-centered, hands-on exhibits that all your friends say are a must to see…
…at the restaurant squeezed into a tiny booth surrounded by dozens of other people enjoying their meals…enough said.
...all places public—you name it!
All eyes upon you. Embarrassment. Anxiety. Maybe even anger–the kind that leaves your hand twitching, as one dad recently said. It feels like judging eyes, critical eyes, eyes that are saying, “Control your child!” “What a brat, can’t you make her behave?” “At least MY kids are minding.”
You can FEEL the negativity emanating from all the adults watching as you desperately try to “get our child to behave” (meaning, to stop melting down…).
You’ve been there in some fashion or another–I know, because I have, too. It is a common theme for parents.
Just think, what could be different if, in those moments, all the eyes upon you were sending you support, understanding, and encouragement?
What if instead of feeling all that negative energy we actually feel accepting, affirming, uplifting energy? What if all eyes upon us were really communicating, “Oh yes, it is TOUGH when our kids lose it in public!” “I can see how mad she is that you had to say no to what she wanted.” “He really is done with sitting still!” “My little one had her tantrum right in the middle of my friend’s wedding!” “When your husband was a little guy, he did EXACTLY the same thing. I remember feeling really frustrated about it!”
What could be different?
I believe you’d be able to feel calmer, more patient, and maybe even be able to allow your child the space (maybe away from the broken orange juice and salsa jars or the popular museum exhibit) to continue melting down until they felt calmer once again.
I believe you’d feel the kind of support and encouragement that has you feeling bolstered, empowered, part of a team–even with strangers, or maybe especially with strangers. A team that can truly move through this big upset with grace. Confidence (yours) could lead the way–confidence that “This, too, shall pass”, that “My child is learning a bit more about his feelings and how to manage them and I know I can help him”, that “I CAN move through this positively…”
I believe things could be very, very different. Today look upon another parent’s potentially embarrassing, anxiety producing moment and send them thoughts of compassion, understanding, encouragement. Intentionallythink thoughts of “I get it! I know you can make it through this.” “Your little one is having a tough time and I understand.” “Hmmm, I wonder what I could do or say that could help this parent the most?”
And then, if inspired to do so, step into the fray and let this over the top stressed parent KNOW you understand, appreciate the BIG feelings–theirs and their child’s. Offer a helping hand with a quiet cheerfulness. Or maybe just meet their eyes and give them an encouraging smile–one that says, “I’m comfortable in your child’s melt down, it is okay.” Whew. What a relief that can be, to have another let you know they are comfortable in the big discomfort you are in the midst of.
Just think, what could be different today, right now, if all the eyes upon you were encouraging, understanding, appreciating? What could be different if you felt the comfort of support that says, “It will be okay”?
Find Alice’s books here!
What a way to take care of each other; to grow compassion all around. What a way to take care of ourselves, as we intentionally focus on being supported, appreciated, encouraged. We all deserve this kindness and compassion—it allows us to be our better selves. Truly the self-care we need the most.
What a gift to our children, others, and ourselves.
There’s a young Mama in my life of whom I admire greatly. She has the wonderful ability to Take Her Time through much of whatever her toddler and preschooler throw at her. She incorporates PAUSE in such a way that her little ones feel heard, understood, supported, and able to better manage themselves in all they do. Something you each know I speak of often…and yet walking the talk is even difficult for me at times.
I’ve learned much from her. I know she’s learned from me, and yet…this Take Your Time? Watching how she does this no matter the emotions or circumstance has truly empowered me to further grow this in myself. To relax a bit, no matter the situation, and Take My Time through it. No rush. The less the rush, the more it feels right. Good. Healing. Relationship-building, ultimately.
It is HARD, as you all know, in the loud, upsetting, maybe even tantruming moments. It is HARD knowing that it takes so much repetition for little ones to learn–why oh why can’t they figure it out the FIRST time that wrecking their sibling’s work isn’t okay, that hitting and biting hurts, that throwing their food on the floor and watching the dog lap it all up just isn’t going to fly after the first round of laughter from all of us?
We all want our words to work the FIRST time. We all want to make these big and uncomfortable feelings go away, settle down. We all want the HARD to become easy. Now. Not months from now, but immediately. I think this is accentuated by our culture of instant gratification–from ordering on Amazon Prime to Googling answers right away to instant or fast foods, to immediate results for many things and everything becoming just so much faster. That’s a whole other post to write–because I believe it is undermining our lives in truly unhealthy ways. Making it hard to Take Our Time. And it is in Taking Our Time that the most meaningful things come.
Back to the immediate parenting deal and that upsetting BIG feelings situation…
Here’s the deal. It truly does take strengthening our PAUSE muscle. Because as we strengthen this within ourselves–to create a bit of space to calm ourselves and recognize whatever the situation is–the more we can respond from a calm, connected place, the more that is learned. And really, it all comes down to Taking Your Time.
Maybe this looks like your understanding it will take repetition–calm, consistent, clear responses over and over again–in order for you little one to learn and grow. And so you settle in for the long haul. Get clear about what you want, be consistent and calm with how you show them.
Maybe this looks like taking a deep breath as things totally disintegrate and LET them disintegrate. With your company. LET the loud, big upset be loud and big. Work more at calming yourself or arranging your facial expressions to reflect how you’d LIKE to be feeling (!!). And be in it all. Take Your Time.
Because as you do so, you are communicating to your child important messages, such as:
You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave or feel. What a way to help a child feel safe and secure in the midst of BIG feelings.
I have confidence in your ability to manage your feelings. You can count on my company and support to help you along. Just imagine knowing the important person in your life has confidence in YOU.
How YOU feel is okay and all WILL be okay. Wow–to hear (over and over again) that feeling mad or sad or happy or frustrated is OKAY. Just think how that can ripple out into adulthood! Someone who allows themselves to feel fully whatever they need to feel AND know that they will be okay. What a game-changer that could be for all of us.
How you feel is important. Valued. Respected. Imagine having that communicated to you as you rant over what a co-worker or boss or parenting partner did. That your rant is heard, Is important. Is valued and respected. For our children, that is the precursor to calming themselves. To being compassionate towards another. To eventually cooperating and collaborating and sharing and all those wonderful skills and qualities we want to see in our kids.
You don’t need me to decide for you how to feel. This is so key–it is never our responsibility to make another feel a certain way. Yes, we have great influence, and it is ultimately up to each one of us to be responsible for how we decide to feel. And this is empowering. Think about how that ripples out to teen years–as our children learn to understand, accept, and manage their own feelings, they are less likely as teens look to another to tell them what they should do and feel. Pretty important for growing in healthy ways. For relating in healthy ways.
What does Take Your Time actually LOOK like?
With little guys it is about describing what you see, first and foremost. “You are mad…your brother wrecked your puzzle…you both wanted that toy…it’s frustrating when that doesn’t work for you…you bumped your head and it hurt…” Just the act of describing, first and foremost, creates a PAUSE and allows you to Take Your Time. And it helps your child understand and process it all, too. It often gives you insight into just what your child is actually thinking and feeling. Sometimes this can be surprising!
With your older child or teen it may be about saying, “I hear you. I’m feeling pretty upset myself, right now. Let me take a bit to think about this. I will get back to you.” And then you do–both Take Your Time to think, and then get back to them. This creates that PAUSE that slows it all down and allows you to respond in a productive, relationship-building way. Ever so respectful.
Sometimes it is about physically being next to your child for a moment. Just being there, present, connected, waiting for a moment. Working harder at calming your own anxiety then calming them.
Sometimes is is about your encouraging self-talk telling yourself that this particular deal will take a long time to learn and you CAN continue stepping in patiently. Over and over and over again. You can do it!
Always it is about seeing any situation as an opportunity for growth and learning (for you and your child!) rather than a problem to solve. This is something I encourage all of you to reflect on–as you rush in to stop, solve, fix, get over as quick as possible (so you can feel better!), consider what you might do differently if you saw this as the opportunity to help your child grow a bit more towards the kind of adult you hope they’ll be. Consider, if it wasn’t a problem to fix, how you might approach it. When we step in thinking it is our job to fix something, we rob our children and ourselves of all kinds of important, essential growth. Another post to write!
Take Your Time.Slow it down when you can.
Focus first on calming YOUR self so you can help your child do the same. Allow for the extra few minutes to move
through a difficult moment. Allow the difficult
moment to be a long moment.
Sometimes for older children we are talking days. Weeks. And yet, as we Take Our Time through their difficult moments, situations, stages, THEY can feel all that support and encouragement that will ultimately move them through it productively. Healthily. Feeling competent, capable, in charge of their selves. How cool is that?
What do YOU need in order to Take Your Time? To take care of you along the way. Remember those Self-Care deposits I talk about? Be sure to do something, just for you, regularly. One minute, hours. Whatever works in your life. It all counts.
Be sure to think about where you have been able to Take Your Time.To feel more comfortable through upset. To help your child move through something difficult. Because it is those times that will bolster you in the midst of the here and now difficult ones.
And PAUSE. Often in your life. Wherever and with whomever. The more you focus on this, the more you strengthen the muscle, the more likely you will find yourself Taking Your Time through something more difficult.
This Mama I admire? She’s taught me this. To Take My Time no matter how disruptive, upsetting, uncomfortable a situation is. To recognize how my button gets pushed and equally recognize I get to control my own buttons. To act-as-if I’m okay with all the uproar around me.
And then the way cool thing happens. That uproar? It settles. Maybe because I Took My Time. Or maybe because, as I focused on calming my self I got a bit clearer about what to do. How to respond. Creative juices flow more readily. Or I make room for a surprising “solution.” Perhaps because I Took My Time, it gave my child the opportunity to figure things out.No matter what, something better emerges. Always. And the best thing of all?
What a way to live. What a way to grow. What a way to deposit into any and all of your relationships.
Today, Take Your Time. In whatever way you can. Little or big. Notice how you feel. Notice what works for you. And most especially, notice how it influences situations you are in–with your children, with others.
And thank you to this Mama. I hope she knows how much I am learning from her as she is learning from me.
A Recipe for Parenting Success! Just think, an actual
RECIPE for our kids so they CAN grow well…
Okay, so there really is no ONE recipe or “cook book” for raising a child, but there certainly are key “ingredients” to consider…here is one I feel is so so important (and yes, I will continue to share more over time!):
ESSENTIAL ingredient for that “Recipe for Parenting Success” and growing healthy kids and a family that can thrive:
A Self-Care Savings Account
You know the drill–you give and give and give, chaos swirls around you, perpetual motion is the name of the game–especially with your little ones–and you become more and more aware of how yucky it all feels, of how grumpy you are, of how your kids are super challenging–button pushing, rebelling, whining, doing everything BUT what you want them to do.
Of how just plain EXHAUSTED you are.
Time for YOU.
Take a minute–yes, just a minute!–and do something, just for you that feels good. Right now.
One mama shared recently how just stepping into her bedroom and feeling the comfy carpet under her toes and looking out the window feels G-O-O-D; another talked of pausing long enough to breathe deeply–amazing what a few deep breaths can do for us.
I like to choose my favorite mug and tea, put the kettle on…and if I get to actually drink it, I consider it a bonus!
How about intentionally lingering in the hot shower for an extra minute, no matter the chaos right outside the door? Or maybe burying your nose in the wonderful blooming plant in your living room or garden and breathing in the scent. Or how about gazing at a favorite photo and enjoying the smile it puts on your face? Especially those ones from first birthdays where the chocolate cake is smeared ALL over their faces?! That’s one of my favorites.
One dad I know found he would just sit in the car an extra minute, no matter the hollering in the back seat, and breathe before he started the trek from car to house with all the backpacks, snacks, jackets, fighting; another parent shared how, when she arrived at her child’s daycare center, she just sat in the parking lot for 5 minutes. That’s all. Five minutes. For her. To breathe, look out the window, maybe shut her eyes…
Or how about stopping to lean down and stroke the silky ears of your pet, or intentionally covering your computer screen while you eat a snack, or finding a silly You Tube to laugh at? Only a minute and just for you. Even a brief time alone in the bathroom with pounding on the door and little fingers reaching under the door can count 🙂
Self-care. Anything you do, intentionally and just for you, becomes a deposit. Know that each little thing adds up–it all counts. Notice how it feels as you move through today and create tiny pauses to take care of you. Notice what is different; what more you decide to do. Notice. It’ll all add up and it’ll begin to truly make a difference in how you feel, how you move through the exhaustion, how you handle the chaos. So go, right now, and create a self-care PAUSE for just a minute just for you.
Truly an Essential Ingredient.Perhaps the most important, for taking care of YOU is paramount for parenting and living well.
Go deposit into your Self-care Savings Account today.
Find Alice’s books here!
You are worth it and your children will be blessed by it.
To respond calmly rather than explode or grit our teeth extra hard with a scowl on our face as we, yet again, try to “straighten out” our kids’ behavior.
It’s hard. Sometimes downright impossible.
Yet consider this–what we want is for our children to control themselves—isn’t that why we try ever so hard to get them to STOP, to choose differently, to say the right things, feel the right way…to finally LISTEN to us and all of our wisdom? “Please, just control yourself for heaven’s sake!” And yet, we say and want this while we often demonstrate just the opposite…
If we want them to (ultimately) control themselves then we have to control OUR selves.
It really can be rather unsettling to realize your 18-month-old can leave you feeling entirely OUT of control. It makes way more sense when it is your 16-year-old who does. Either way, this button pushing behavior is way more about us then them.
It is a continual opportunity to focus first on OUR selves so we can pull ourselves together (even a semblance of “together” can make a real and positive difference). To breathe. To encourage ourselves. To get a bit of physical space for just a moment. To pause and dig deep for a bit of calm.
Because then–THEN we can step back in with a bit clearer of an intention, a bit more self-control, a bit more CALM. And yes, “acting-as-if” is totally okay, for what we focus on grows.
And when we can do this (even just some of the time) we are now in a position to positively influence our children.
NOW they can feel a bit safer and more secure because their number one person in life (yes, even for a teen who acts as if you are absolutely NOT number one any more…) can keep it together NO MATTER what they decide to do.
Now they can count on you. What an amazing feeling that is for any one who is struggling–that they can count on another no matter what.
Trust. Respect. Connection. All of this occurs–even if the behavior is STILL testy, reactive, button pushing. Just think, for a child who is working hard to manage something difficult, to have their special adult stay calm, connected, gently firm, there and present–wow. What a feeling.
What a way to help a child work through what they are struggling with.
And it really does all begin with us taking control of ourselves, our feelings, our behavior. Something, by the way, we CAN control…unlike our often futile attempts at controlling our child .
PAUSE today.
Take the moment you need and find some semblance of calm inside you–even if all it is is to say to yourself “I’m looking for calm!” as you continue to seethe. Now go respond to your child and all that is stirring things up. Notice what is different. Because something will be. Whether it is a less intense situation, a child who actually surprises you with a better choice or quicker resolution, or that YOU emerge from all this reactivity still feeling pretty okay. Steadier. Less churned up. Notice and then appreciate the iota of difference it made. In time, it all adds up. And it makes a real difference.
Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!
A relationship building, positive influence difference. Keep at it.
What we focus on grows.
Need help? Check out each of my books.
Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
ay place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”
PAUSE. No matter how your pause looks or how brief it is, it can empower you. It begins as a bit of calm…and grows into something so much more powerful. So much so I wrote an entire book on it. For you and for me.
ediate parenting deal and that upsetting BIG feelings situation…
