exhaustion

Tag: exhaustion

All Your Kids Are Sick…

May 19, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care, Self-help Comment

All the kids are sick. Goopy noses, coughing, crying, can’t sleep, neither can you. You have guests landing at your house soon, are trying to work around what initially seemed like a small remodel of the kitchen, the dog got into the garbage AGAIN, there is no peeling the cling-ons your kids have become off your legs AND you feel exhausted. Overwhelmed. Running on empty. Chaos, yuck, craziness rules the roost. Oh–and remember, you HAVE to go to work, the grocery store, the doctor’s office–probably more than once.

You are feeling awful. Exhausted and overwhelmed. Guilty for letting your kids just do whatever because it is all you can do to manage everyone’s illness and ‘regular’ life. Cereal and treats and videos and sleeping with you and, well, getting whatever they want so your sanity can prevail. Maybe.

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

And let me appreciate YOU for a moment, because I know how impossible it is to see through all of this yuck to what really can help you feel a bit steadier, calmer, okay no matter what is swirling around you.

Let me appreciate…

…your resilience. You are still in the game despite (or because of) all this chaos. You don’t feel this resilience I see, yet let me be clear–you have it and are using it. That is WHY you are still in the game.

…your deep care and compassion you have for your kids even as they wipe their noses on you, add 50 pounds of weight to your legs, cry constantly, keep you awake tossing and turning, fight and melt down. It is because of the deep care you have that you are still in the game. Even if “in the game” means hiding under your covers for a while as your kids are plunked in front of a movie.

…how you let go of what seemed like “have tos.” Your ability to let go of a well rounded meal, getting to work on time or at all, having a clean(er) house, your promise to never over-do screen time, getting a real night’s sleep.

This letting go? Yes, it is due to you feeling like you have NO control over any of it, yet I “see” someone who is clear on what needs to be the reality for right now. Someone who, by letting go, has been able to go with the flow a tad more, answer their children’s needs in the moment, stay present to the here and now. All things to appreciate. All things absolutely necessary to moving through the chaos well–in time.

…that retreat into the bathroom with doors locked. Just for a few minutes for the much needed RELIEF you need. You may see it as a retreat, as “I can’t handle this!” I will re-frame it as an essential Self-Care Deposit. A PAUSE that has you more likely stepping out after a few moments with just a tad more patience, resilience, maybe even a creative idea for what can happen next.

…YOUR feelings. All of them. Your guilt, your anxiety, your upset. Let me appreciate these, for I know it is hard for you to do so. We so often feel we are supposed to NOT feel this way. That it means we are, somehow, less of a good parent for being mad, guilty, anxiety ridden. Let me appreciate for you, right now, the whole and wonderful being you are that feeling all these feelings represents. Whole and wonderful.

…your humor! Sarcastic or not, that laugh you had as everything and one melted down around you? It is a gift and a strength. Use it. See it. Find it. A little humor can go a l-o-n-g way when everything else is a mess.

Okay. So you STILL are a wreck and so are your kids. But tell me, how does it feel to be appreciated despite (or because of) all this chaos? Can you really own this appreciation or are you still rolling your eyes at me? No matter, I don’t mind.

I will keep putting these appreciations out to you, for what we focus on grows. Maybe later, after everything settles for real, you will find yourself reflecting on my words. Or maybe you feel a bit relieved right now to know that things really are working in the midst of all the yuck. Either way, I appreciate your work to parent as well as you can through the hard.

And I hope you might feel steadier. Calmer. Stronger–-at least a bit. Or just steadier. We can leave it at that. Because what a difference that can make as life swirls around you–to feel steady in the midst of it all. Or steadier for the next round of chaos. What a way to help a child settle more quickly, a Big Upset to be valued and appreciated. What a way to let a little light-hearted-ness step in and step up.

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

“Just Think Positively!” Yikes…

February 25, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

“It’ll be okay, just think positively!”

“I know, I know, he’s driving you nuts. I’m sure there is SOMETHING positive about it all…”

“Let’s look at the bright side!”

Ever get tired of hearing this? I know I do. Especially when, well…NOTHING seems all that positive….

Positive can feel totally inauthentic. It can feel “Polly-anna-ish.” Being asked to look at or find “something positive”–especially as your child is pushing your buttons to the Nth degree every single minute of the day or you are struggling just to make ends meet–can have you rolling your eyes, laughing right out loud, and very quickly no longer listening to whomever is telling you so.

Really, where IS the positive when things are so very bad, or you feeling so very, very low, or when your anxiety over whatever your child is doing is incredibly overwhelming?

Enter APPRECIATION.

And no, this isn’t about appreciating your child’s bad behavior, your raw fear, anxiety, anger, depression. Sometimes there is NO appreciating any of that.

And yet, appreciation is still possible. Try appreciating:

...that YOU are still “in the game” no matter what. No matter how fearful, anxious, mad you are. You are still “in the game.”

…finally falling into bed at night to sleep and being able to just shut out all the YUCK for even a short while. Even though it’ll still be there when you roll back out in the morning. Or in a few hours. At least you will be a bit more rested…

…how deeply you feel over all of what is pushing your button. This deep feeling? It speaks loudly of your care and concern and love for your child, for yourself.

…the super amazing cup of coffee you pour yourself after another sleepless night. SUPER amazing. Maybe add a bit of chocolate to go with it…

...being stuck in the traffic because it is giving you more time away from all the chaos at home…and a chance to listen to some music YOU like .

…how intent you are on growing a human being who can be polite, kind, compassionate…(even as it is NOT working and there is NO sign of manners, kindness, compassion. At least your intent is in place!)

...the hug you got earlier in the day…prior to the fight and tears. That hug? It still counts.

…the smiles exchanged as you passed others on the street. I enjoy that one, for I always feel a bit lifted as a result…

...the kindness of the fellow in line at the store who let you go first–your stress and overwhelmed self needed to get out of the store sooner. Somehow he just knew that. Kindness really does abound!

…how giving your kids a bowl of cereal for dinner is really all about you able to let go and relax into making something hard that much easier for you. SELF-CARE!

…that you are absolutely CLEAR that nothing is feeling good or going well. Clarity. It is a good thing!

Appreciation. And the cool thing?

As you work at appreciating rather than finding something positive, you’ve just made room for positive to happen. And it often does.

Change–real, productive, meaningful change–happens. And mostly–YOU will feel better. Lifted. Empowered. LIBERATED from the spiral of yuck. Now you really can move forward and create the change you are wanting the most.

Appreciation–essential for living well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

You are Having One of THOSE Days…

January 25, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

So you are having one of THOSE days.

Your Too-Short-of-a-Nap toddler or preschooler (or maybe drippy-nosed or you name it and it isn’t easy) is demanding a TON of re-direction, stopping, pleading at times, removal…(how much CAN you fit on top of the fridge as you collect those “used-in-the-wrong-way” items???). He seems to go from one thing to the next just TRYING to push your button (and succeeding).

Your baby is fussing and never getting quite the attention you really want to give this little one–yes, she gets fed and changed…but all the while you are pulling your hair out over the seemingly EXTRA exuberant behavior of your 3- or 4-year old (and if you have multiple other ages in the mix, just multiply the chaos by infinity…). The kind of exuberant behavior that has the blocks flying, the voices LOUD, the flying super-hero whipping by just barely missing the baby, the teetering of climbing just too darn high, the race to the potty and then a quiet that descends that has you discovering the roll of TP stuffed in the toilet or the tub animals taking a swim in the toilet bowl…

Your spouse has asked you to swing by and pick up that prescription–a simple thing, swinging by, right? And yet…you know that if you had to get the diaper bag ready, baby fed and changed, preschooler actually dressed and fed, AND yourself presentable and all ready to go all at the same time, not to mention then having to wrangle kids in and out of their seats and find a cart to contain them in and navigate the crowded store aisles, actually TALK to the pharmacist, and then get out all with your sanity in place…it could not possibly happen today. That simple errand is now an Impossible Errand.

And then there is what seems to usually be the “simple” step of switching the laundry from washer to dryer–today, however, it is nearly insurmountable. As is the well-intentioned dinner in the crockpot–usually a welcomed way to make dinner oh so much easier–still awaiting those green peppers you were going to chop and add. Let’s not even mention the now-clogged toilet, blocks and cards and Lego and stuffed guys spread from here to there, and the breakfast, lunch, and snack dishes and items still exactly where they were consumed. And it wasn’t at the table.

Funny how those “simple” things can become the very thing that would break you or the precarious and momentary balance you have found with your children. Simple becomes Impossible.

And you are feeling AWFUL. Guilty, frustrated, downright MAD, certainly over-the-top EXHAUSTED.

Then your partner arrives home…and just can’t seem to understand why it is so darn HARD to switch the laundry. Or swing by to pick up the prescription. Or–for heaven’s sake–add the chopped vegies to the crock-pot for dinner. They wonder why the toilet is plugged (“Can’t you watch him when he goes potty? It’s not like it requires much from you!”), the house a complete wreck, and let’s not even mention all the remains of various meals and snacks spread around.

And you sigh. Or blow up. Are definitely frustrated, feeling guilty, exhausted. You have no ability to even treat your partner with the respect you know you want to. Your relief to have help is quickly replaced with resentment. You are done done done with the entire day. The mess, the LOUD, the near misses of preschooler swooping past baby, the baby who obviously needs more of your attention and your guilt and sadness over not being able to find even an extra minute to give her that extra snuggle.

You are having one of THOSE days.

It’s okay. Really. It will get better. Maybe not yet and maybe it’ll become one of those WEEKS, but in time it (and you) will get better.

For now, it’s just one of THOSE days. Remember to b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Round and Round You Go

April 19, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Negotiating–constantly, tirelessly, endlessly. Ever so exhausting.

Or maybe it is the incredible and endless array of ideas your child has to wiggle out of something or do something or get something.

Perhaps it’s The Last Word and the struggle to HAVE the last word, since of course you are the adult. And it’s exhausting, feeling totally at the end of your rope with this constantly escalating “last word” game you play with your child.

Or maybe, just maybe, you are secretly proud of how your child demonstrates all the future skills of a lawyer. We were with ours . Until frustration and exhaustion over-rode that bit of pride…

Or all those amazing ideas? You really appreciate how creatively your child wiggles out of taking responsibility for something or gets something out of you or manages to do just what it is they wanted. Pretty cool skill of theirs. Admiration fills you…alongside the irritation, concern, wondering if really you just didn’t give in and maybe you shouldn’t have…

And really, you’d LIKE to have your child listen to your “no” the first time. Or stop already with getting in the last word. Or realize–PLEASE–that those creative ideas just aren’t going to work. EVER.

Over the last couple of days I’ve had several parents end up in tears as they shared all of the above with me. Tears because they recognize they are at a total loss as how to encourage the creativity and still be clear on boundaries. Tears because they really, really don’t like ending up in a yelling match with their future-lawyer-child.

Tears because they felt like failures as parents.

Failures because they really didn’t know how to balance the creativity, the endless negotiating, the fights over the last word with the calm, respectful, clear-with-expectations-and-follow-through they intuitively knew their child needed.

Failures because they really didn’t know how to be calm, respectful, clear AND allow creative ideas, big feelings, anger, persistence, etal to have their place. I truly hope they walked away from our brief time together feeling a bit of relief, calmer, and definitely more confident in themselves.

I believe it all comes down to PAUSE.

I know, that seems overly simple, but stay with me, here.

With a strong pause muscle you can now give yourself the moment to take a deep breath. To consider the strengths you CAN appreciate about the incredibly annoying behavior.

To see how these can be encouraged and guided so that future adult you imagine has all these skills AND the self-control, compassion, ability to truly collaborate and create with others.

To more thoughtfully and intentionally decide just what step you do want to take right now, in this moment. Even if it becomes one that clearly doesn’t work. At least you’ve now done it from a place of intention rather than just reacting–and that speaks volumes of respect to a child.

And a PAUSE allows you to tap into that inner confidence and strength you DO have and often gets lost in the overwhelming nature of parenting. It allows you to show yourself the care and compassion necessary as you make mistakes, work exceptionally hard, wish for do-overs on a daily basis. What a way to role model for your kids the essential self-care we all need in order to live well. Show yourself care and compassion–and by doing so, you are teaching your child to do the same.

Pausing can help you relax a bit. To more likely allow your child’s ideas and feelings FIRST, and then show them just what it is they can expect. To follow through with the “no” you said, to ignore their “last word” because by you just trying to get in the last word, you are role modeling the very thing you don’t want to see in them (now that was a lesson hard for me to learn!).

With a strengthened pause muscle, calm connection starts leading the way.

Now when you still have absolutely no clue as what to do, you are still communicating, “We will figure this out.” What an important message for a child to hear–that no matter how confusing, overwhelming, scary it is, “We will figure this out.”

With a pause leading the way, YOU have an opportunity to figure things out for you. To find the answers, guidance, advice, knowledge necessary to take steps to guide your child well. To forgive yourself as you stumble along this never-slowing-down journey with your kids.

And remember. All of this parenting, growth, and learning? It takes time. It is a process. A process filled with angst, joy, do-overs, support, relief, delight. Never perfect. Always a roller-coaster. Totally worth it. And so are you. It is OKAY to struggle. Let a pause be a bit of self-care.Let your struggle be the opportunity to role model for your child just what you do with struggle. Know your struggle is because you are in the midst of real learning. Just like your child.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Here’s to all of you lost in the incredible negotiation skills of your child; fighting over the last word; buried in all the creative ideas that leave you wondering how your child managed to get out of or do or get something that you never intended. You have LOTS of company!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Taking Care of YOU during Hard Times

June 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Life has turned upside down. Uncertainty reigns…along with fear, anxiety, worry, frustrations, kids beginning to drive you nuts, and absolutely NO time for yourself.

It is YOU I write to today. You and taking care of you so you can move through these challenging times in the best possible way. And know that can mean anything from just keeping your head above water, to actually feeling pretty darn good. Either way, you are in the game and THAT is to be appreciated.

Self-care is pretty tough to think about when all day long is spent with everyone based at home, work trying to be accomplished, brainstorming just what you all need to be okay, no school to give you a much needed break from kids, perhaps elders in your life you are caring for or about…

And yet…it all comes down to each one of us individually. We must first take care of ourselves in order to be in a good position to care for others.

So let’s start with you right now. Let this be your PAUSE to stop, take in a few deep breaths, let them out slowly, and examine the thoughts running through your head. You get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, what you decide to DO.

“I’m going crazy!” can become “This is really, really hard and I CAN move through it.”

“My kids are driving me nuts!” can become “Man, they are bouncing off the walls. I can keep myself together even if they can’t!”

“I’m worried sick.” can become “I am clear on how to live healthfully and am confident in the steps I take.”

“There is NO way I can get any work done!” can become “I find just the right time to accomplish what I need to.”

“I just don’t know what to DO!” can become, “I become clear about what needs to happen and can feel good I’m doing my best.”

What we say to ourselves MATTERS. It directly affects how we feel and then what we do. What does this require of you? Self-care.

Every little bit you do, intentionally and just for you, becomes a deposit into what I like to call your Self-Care Savings Account. And with even a little bit you now have more patience, resilience, ability to persevere.

Some ideas for you in the midst of all this craziness:

Stand extra long in your hot shower…
Choose your favorite mug, hot drink, and make it. Drinking it can be considered a bonus deposit!
Call a friend and chat for a few minutes.
Sit down and welcome your dog or cat into your lap and stroke their wonderful fur.
Do a few yoga stretches.
Watch a funny You Tube.
Take a lap around your yard…maybe stop to enjoy spring flowers or fresh critter prints in the snow.
Gaze at a favorite art print or photo and let good memories wash over you.

Think about what you can do for just a minute or so, just for you, that would feel good. Then do it. Even in the midst of full-on craziness, there is time for this. And it is even more necessary than ever before.

Here’s to you in all our uncertainty and new-for-now reality. And here is another bit that might help: “Its OKAY”

You are enough!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

To Cry or Not to Cry

April 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional 2 Comments

To cry or not to cry.

This really can stir up worry and anxiety for many parents of babies. Whether it is in regards to sleep or any other part of the day. And we hear different things from all different parenting styles–making it all the more concerning and confusing.

I’ve heard the range from:

“Is it okay to let my baby cry to sleep” to“Babies should never cry” to“What do I do when she cries!”

I listen to those solid in their choice of certain ways to parent–from Peaceful Parenting to Positive Parenting to Attachment Parenting to whatever other styles there are out there, and I hear passionate voices all speaking to what feels right to them–yet in reality it can be so different from parent to parent, family to family, child to child.

I am most concerned about all the parents who are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and uncertain over their choices, perhaps feeling like a bad parent as yet again, their baby cries, or yet again there’s been a rough night of lack of sleep or a day that felt like nothing you did helped your baby settle.

And I’m truly concerned about the tendency we have to declare there is only one right way to be with our baby—that my style is the right style and you are doing it all wrong. What a way to undermine our confidence, to muddy the waters, to make it more difficult to navigate what can be an overwhelming experience–to discover what truly works for us, our family, our circumstance, our baby.

Babies cry. It is a form of communication.

It alerts us to a need–perhaps companionship, feeling overwhelmed, hungry, wet, tired. And it is essential we respond–and it is in how we respond that influences just what we want to grow the most.

Consider this–what do you want most to communicate to your baby? Fast forward to preschool years, where do you want to be as their naturally volcanic feelings erupt daily? Fast forward to teen years and think about what you hope for the most–self-direction? Ability to manage the emotional upheavals inherent in teen years? Able to feel capable and in charge and strong in their selves?

It begins with your baby. They cry. Our job? To use these early and simpler experiences to grow our ability to be comfortable in their upset, to set the foundation for them to learn to be in upset and to manage it well. Find a way to move the anxiety it stirs up over, the lack of confidence over…and step into the cry gently, respectfully.

It is not about “making them stop crying”, it is instead about

learning what is making your baby tick, discovering what they need that can help them settle.

How does this look? Perhaps:

“I hear you. You are upset. What is it you need?” as you rest a hand on their body, draw in near, use a quiet and gentle voice.

“Is your diaper wet? Shall we change you?” “Are you feeling hungry? Let’s see what we can do about that.”

“You are really upset. I wonder if it is all the commotion around you that makes it hard for you. Let’s move into a quieter place and see if that helps.”

“You woke and need a little help re-settling. I’m here. Let’s see what can help you head back into sleep.”

And maybe they still cry, and you try something else. It is a process and it is meant to be respectful…and it is meant to communicate to your baby that they are heard, you are near, they can feel safe–even if upset, and that you have confidence in their growing ability to soothe themselves.

Every single baby is different and what works for one baby to soothe themselves may be quite different from another.

My two girls were entirely different–the first, mellow, rarely cried–she was the one at 7-months who woke in her crib with vomit all over, grinning from ear to ear at me. Her cries only came when she was REALLY sad or uncomfortable and it was clear what she needed. She was easy to soothe…our company and answering her need was all that was necessary.

My second? She cried her first two hours of life, wanting nothing but to cry. And her tears flowed easily and often as a baby–sometimes leaving me a bit at a loss as to just what it was she truly needed, other times being quite clear what pushed her upset button. Those unclear times? I just kept asking, watching, and respecting that she just needed to cry…talking soothingly and moving slowly seemed to really help her re-center.

As young adults? So similar to their baby selves! The eldest tends to let things roll off her back, grinning through even the tough times–until she’s had enough and the feelings pour out; the youngest shares her strong feelings about many things quite often, leaving me sometimes missing what really is pushing her upset button. Just like when they were little. And I know they both feel respected for how they move through life and how they manage their upset in ways that work for them. I like to believe it is in big part because we respected their cries from day one.

Babies cry and it is okay.

Respond gently, respectfully, let their cries help you learn

more about who they are.

And trust that how you respond can help grow the strong foundation for their future ability to manage their feelings well. You, too–for becoming a parent demands we grow ourselves–and these cries are our opportunity to get started. You no longer need to feel overwhelmed–your baby will help you discover what works, trust this.

It really is okay.

For more about babies you may like: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/11/babies-capable-and-competent-from-birth/and be sure to check out Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care http://www.janetlansbury.com for a rich library of articles to help you grow your ability to parent your little one respectfully. She is wonderful!

Alice

Author of “Parenting Inspired”

PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader

Continue…

Self-Care! YOU Deserve Some.

April 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

Self-care! Taking care of ourselves is essential for parenting (and living) well.

But really, where IS the time? I am most certain when you hear “You’ve got to take care of YOU” you nod your head, mmmhmmm, find yourself saying, “Sure. YOU find the babysitter, the hours, the peace and quiet and I’ll be happy to take time for me!”

It can feel like an impossible hurdle.

And then we continue on with the race through each day, wiping noses, breaking up fights, trying to get to school, work, daycare, appointments on time and maybe in one piece. We scramble for dinner, to pack lunches, pull our hair out over the lack of help from the kids, the spouse, the anybody. We somehow manage to get through the day and land in bed exhausted. To be woken up once again and probably way to early to hit the ground running.

And don’t even TRY to get a shower or use the bathroom by yourself!

Okay. So self-care seems like an impossible reach.

Here’s what I encourage.

Self-care is like a savings account. ANY thing you do, intentionally and just for you (even if it includes your kids!) that feels GOOD is a deposit. And deposits add up. All it takes is a minute–really! Just as you’ll find in more detail in my books, l encourage you to look at self-care as what you can do for YOU that only takes a minute.

Yes, ONE minute.

Think about it. If you had a minute, what could you do that would feel good to YOU?

Maybe stand (again, intentionally) in your hot shower for an extra minute. Just stand there telling yourself this is just for you. Even if the banging on the door or the whining is ramping up.

Or plunk down on the floor and really pet your dog. Fully. Both hands on his furry head massaging away.

Or my favorite–put the kettle on, open up your cupboard and choose your favorite mug, decide on the tea you really like…and if you get to actually drink the tea it is a bonus!

I know I used to, as my little ones actually got immersed in their play and didn’t–for the moment–need me, I let go of the chore I could get done and just watched them. So I still had the chore hanging over my head, but it filled me to no end to just watch.

A friend of mine likes to step outdoors. Breathe in deeply. And just gaze. 30 seconds. That’s all.

Another parent I know found just the act of sitting down and putting his feet up–even as his kids piled on top of him–felt really good. An intentional break. Even when it turned into a wrestling match

And a parent I coached discovered if she just covered her computer screen at her desk while she ate lunch she felt so much more energized to return to her computer work following her 10 minute sandwich break. Just covering her computer relaxed her. That’s all.

Today, deposit into your Self-care Savings Account.

Just one minute. That’s all. And notice how it feels. Notice, as you do this now and again, what is different for you. If you need more ideas, check out either of my books–they are full of doable ideas.

You CAN feel better. You CAN take care of you without it feeling like an impossible hurdle. And eventually those short deposits will stretch into much longer ones…eventually 🙂

Just start with a small, brief deposit. It counts. And YOU are worth it.

Here’s to you today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

It’s HARD To Be Positive…

February 5, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Pause today as your buttons are pushed and the HARD gets in the way. Let go of trying to “Be positive!” It’s okay, you know, to be having one of THOSE days...or weeks…

Instead, find something you can appreciate.

Perhaps:

That you are still in-the-game despite what your kids are throwing at you. Nothing fun or positive about the resistance and ignoring and demanding that surrounds you…plenty to appreciate that you are still “in the game.” Even if you are throwing up your arms, losing your temper, or resorting to toast with peanut butter for dinner. You are still there.

The fact that your teen DOES join you at the table for dinner, even if s/he is full of eye-rolls and sarcastic responses…or no responses at all. Their physical presence counts even if their emotional presence is driving you nuts.

The persistence of your little one (a strength, really!) even if it is all about persisting with something that really isn’t okay. Like continuing to dump your potted plant’s dirt onto the floor despite your patient self stopping them and redirecting over and over again. Or NOT staying in bed and continually coming to find you when it is well past nap or bedtime. Or the back and forth grabbing and pushing as your two kids fight over who gets what–neither is really listening to the other, and both know exactly what they want. Persistence! It’s driving you crazy…

Perhaps how a friend reached out just as you felt yourself getting swallowed up by All Things Parenting. Your overwhelmed self found yourself sobbing on their shoulder…followed by feeling a sense of release, relief, and companionship. All Things Parenting will still be there, and now you have the reassurance of good company to help you through. It really does take a village to raise a parent!

Or maybe appreciate that 30 seconds you had this morning to close your eyes and breathe (and have a few sips of your coffee!) even though the rest of your day has been lost to the craziness of being everywhere for everyone and probably late…as usual. Those 30-seconds count. Think Self-Care Deposit.

Positives can be tough. Appreciations are everywhere.

Try pausing and then appreciating today as things ramp up and the last thing you can do is “Look at the positive side!” Notice what is different for you as a result…and remember, what you focus on grows 🙂

Here’s to you.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All the Kids are Sick

September 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

Let me appreciate…

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Continue…

The Emotional Toll of the Physical Effort

April 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

The emotional toll of the physical effort.

Let that sink in a bit. If you’ve ever “crutched” around with an injured foot or leg, or due to recovery from surgery and the inability to use part of your body, then you know the physical effort to do ANY thing is huge.

It is the emotional toll that is so surprising. How grumpiness, depression, tears, just feeling DONE sneaks up and grabs you. How incredibly draining it can be to do just a simple task or how frustrating it can be to take so long to do something seemingly “quick.”

A lot like parenting.

What a huge physical effort–especially in the early years–parenting is. Perpetual motion on the children’s part. Constant work at keeping kids safe, houses put together, schedules maintained, relationships deposited into, negotiations attended to, lack of sleep, lack of showers, running to catch the teetering child on the edge, multi-tasking to the Nth degree as you cook, clean, re-direct, communicate, rescue, play with, wash, throw up your arms in exasperation, pry the cat’s fur out from the death grip of your child’s hands (or maybe pry the brother out from under the other brother), attempt to get to work on time and come home with some semblance of sanity in place to manage the evening that is bound to be chaotic…

Physically parenting is exhausting. And then the emotional toll hits. And climbs. And erupts. We yell. We cry. We feel like lousy parents. We put our selves down constantly with “Why can’t I…if only I…It’s all because of me…” And then the guilt…oh, the guilt!

Talk about an emotional toll. Talk about depleting ourselves even further with the negative and unproductive self-talk that takes over in our heads.

It is time for self-care.

It is time to breathe, to pause, to show yourself the care and compassion you so continually and generously give to your family. It is time to recognize the emotional toll, allow it in, and use it as the gift it can be–to take care of YOU. Or at least to think about the self-care that would feel good if you had the time! That counts, you know–just thinking about it.

It is time to recognize the negative self-talk and switch it up. Not necessarily to the positive, but definitely to the appreciative. And YES, that can be two entirely different things…because you know what? Finding the positives when you are feeling so low often feels impossible. Finding what you can appreciate–even if it is just your attempt at moving forward an iota–is always possible. And empowering.

Here’s what I learned following surgery a while back and immersed in “crutching”and realizing the emotional toll of the physical effort AND remembering how like parenting this can be:

I allowed myself to cry.

I got a bit better at letting my husband know from the get go of the day that I’m starting out sorta down and tired and done.

I gave myself grace as I actively could not switch up my self-talk…but could sit with the idea of wanting to and then wait and watch and end up appreciating what comes my way.

I got better at letting go of cleaning and cooking and all things house–allowing myself a bit more ease. And mess. That mess? It really is okay. And is rarely permanent. Really. There will be a time when a tidier house is a reality. Maybe…

I was reminded that, as I do this, the drag of the emotional toll actually lightens. I can smile. I can appreciate my husband’s sideways look at me knowing he is wondering if he has a basket case on his hands or not :-). I find I notice little things that put a twinkle in my eye or relax me a tad. Like all the birds that are actively taking over our yard, or listening to the neighbor kids tap dance on their back deck. I rediscover a sense of humor (this I know my husband is grateful for!). I reach out to friends and end up sharing and then laughing. I look forward to a certain 9-month-old I get to spend time with…even if I’m just sitting and watching him.

And I begin to feel lifted and lighter and that emotional toll? It dissipates.

You can do this, too. Even in the midst of perpetual motion, chaos, and the mess living with children can be.

Let the emotional toll be your chance to PAUSE, however briefly, and breathe, cry if necessary, acknowledge and appreciate how deeply you feel and care and actively love your family. If you can, take time to do something no matter how small or short, that feels good to YOU. Maybe you can…

…reach down and scratch you kitty or dog’s ears for a bit 🙂

…make a cup of tea using your favorite mug (if you actually get to drink it, it’s a bonus!)

…close your eyes in the car as you sit in the driveway for a moment.

…let go of dinner and pour a bowl of cereal instead.

…stand an extra minute in your hot shower just because you can (a locked bathroom door always an option…).

…plop yourself on the floor in the midst of the MESS and CHAOS and just, well, plop. Maybe stretch out a bit–and beware, for that might invite a dog pile on top of you…maybe actually making you smile a bit :-).

…decide the piles of toys and kid things spread from here to there is really just evidence of a day spent well–creating, imagining, exploring. Something you can appreciate! Now maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel a bit more energy as you gather up the mess and put things away. Or decide to leave it for tomorrow…

The emotional toll of the physical effort. It is okay. Allow it, honor it, use it to refocus on yourself. You deserve this! Let appreciation lead the way.

What a gift to your children, to all your relationships.

Take care of you today,

Alice