Family Time

Tag: Family Time

Push, Pull, and a PAUSE…

October 26, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A dad and fourteen year old daughter. A relationship already partly defined by (normal) resistance from the teen–you know, “Daaaad!!! I already DID practice my piano!” “Daaaad! STOP yelling at me!” “Daaad! I can do my homework, quit bugging me…”

A relationship that has them doing cool things together as well as struggling. Nothing very different, most likely, from many of you.

Teen: “Dad, can I go to Hannah’s house this afternoon?”

Dad: “What about your homework?”

Teen: “I was going to do it with her…and I thought I’d practice my music before I went.”

Dad: “I want a couple of hours with you today to go do something fun. Where could we fit that in?”

A nice and respectful exchange. Teen came up with getting her music AND homework out of the way immediately, and wondered if her friend could join her and dad on the adventure–YES came dad’s answer. What a great way to encourage a child to take charge of their work and day–to figure out how to manage time. Teen checked in with her friend.

Teen: “Hannah’s dad wants to take me and Hannah to the garden show downtown…”

Dad: “What about OUR time? Now that means I don’t get my time with you to go on our adventure.”

Teen: “Daaad! You could come with us!”

Dad: “I don’t want to go there. So you are just going to go off with Hannah and her dad instead of spend time with me…? I guess you just don’t want to be with me…” (Said with no twinkle in the eye and definitely sadness)

Okay. So maybe you are “hearing” what started happening. Dad really wanted time with his daughter. I love that. Daughter really wanted time with her dad. How cool that is! Daughter is also a teen with whom friends become mighty important–and necessarily so at this age. Daughter was offering up a wonderful idea of together time with two dad’s and two teens.

But this Dad took it personally (initially). He took it as his teen didn’t want to spend time with him, that he wasn’t important enough to choose over her friend’s dad, and (underneath all that) that she didn’t love him–and he responded emotionally with the intent to get her to choose their original idea over the new idea so he’d feel better. Understandable–he was looking forward to their adventure.

But here’s the deal–when we start using our disappointment as emotional leverage to try to get our child to change their behavior in order for us to feel better, we are now asking them to take responsibility for how we feel.

He was communicating “you must not love me enough and in order for me to feel loved by you, you need to do it my way…” THIS is what a child can “hear” when we put how we feel in their hands.

This is why this story is important. Think about this. The teen now had a choice to make–to go with her friend and her friend’s dad (something she truly got excited about) leaving her dad sad and upset; or to go with her dad and say no to her friend.

But now how would she be feeling, going with her dad? I believe resentfully. Begrudgingly. Wishing she could be elsewhere but feeling like if she did, she’d make her dad feel even worse. If she went with her friend she’d be going feeling guilty about doing so and resentful towards her dad for “making her feel guilty.”

Neither of which are relationship-building.

Not quite what we intend when we feel hurt about how something unfolds. Not quite what we intend when we want our children to WANT to spend time with us. And if we are honest we do this, perhaps regularly, in our relationships–work really hard at getting our child (or our spouse?!) to do something (listen, behave, not throw a tantrum, quit rolling their eyes, decide to choose differently, get good grades…) in order for us to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud.

Just think about what could be different for us if we decided to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud NO MATTER how our kids decided to behave…

So really, this is about us. Let’s go back to Dad and teen. Teen was getting all upset, begging her dad to reconsider, to not see it as her deserting him, to try to get him to NOT be disappointed. This is where Dad took a very important step that turned what began as a relationship-depleting moment and let it become a relationship-building one.

He PAUSED.

He took a moment to take care of his feelings of disappointment (something that really is HIS responsibility), to consider just what he really meant to say to his daughter and what he truly hoped for her, and then stepped back into his conversation with his teen and said:

“I’m sorry. I’m feeling disappointed because I was really looking forward to our adventure together. I think your friend and her dad have a wonderful idea and I want you to enjoy yourself…you and I can look to next weekend for doing an adventure together and I look forward to it!”

Now, whether he chooses to say “Yes, I’ll join you!” and see it as an opportunity to spend time with his daughter whether or not he likes garden shows OR if he chooses to pass, it becomes a matter-of-fact decision in which his teen can now decide for herself what she wants to do…now her focus is less on how dad feels, for he has taken responsibility for his own feelings, and her attention can be on how SHE feels about which choice seems best to her.

What a way to grow a respectful, self-directed, thoughtful future adult…and current teen .

Truly relationship-building. Respect for each other can now be communicated; feelings welcomed and understood; self-management and self-reflection become encouraged. And now the teen–no matter what she decides–can feel solid in her decision, in her relationship with her dad, in putting her attention to having a good time. Maybe she’ll even return home bursting with stories about all she did (or maybe how b-o-r-i-n-g it was…), wanting to share with her dad, excited to include him in her experiences…in her life…all because he PAUSED, considered, cared for himself, and then cared for her.

A story for you. May it bring you PAUSE as you consider focusing first on yourself, calming your feelings down, and then responding to your child in such a way they can grow themselves a little bit more towards the respectful, kind, thoughtful, joyful people you’d like to see. May it encourage you to work at caring for your self and your feelings so you can guide your children towards the same–able to take care of themselves, their feelings, and ultimately feel strong and confident in who they are becoming.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

PAUSE today. It is a muscle to exercise and can be used at any time…and it always makes a real and positive difference.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Important Moments in the Day of a Teen

October 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a teen…and if you are a parent of a preschooler, you may discover how similar this can be!!

~When mom or dad recognize NOW is the time to listen, no matter how late at night, if you are just running out the door, or up to your elbows in some messy project. Now is the time…the more you can be flexible and give your full attention even for just a few minutes, the more you deposit into a continued healthy relationship with your teen. They feel supported, heard, and can count on you.

~Sleeping in! Until noon, if possible 🙂

~Being part of a group–whether it is a team, friends, volunteer activity, or family–being part of it and feeling accepted and included is HUGE for a teen. Here is where they can strengthen their inner identity, confidence, and feel more self assured. Groups can be one or two good friends or the entire football team…

~When parents ‘take the blame’, giving their teen an ‘out’ in a difficult situation. Saying no to peers can be nigh on impossible at times…having your parents to ‘blame’ can bring relief beyond measure (often couched in attitude and sarcasm, but relief and gratitude are underneath it all!)

~Being fully in charge of themselves–whether because mom and dad support and encourage this, or because they’ve had to do whatever it takes to claim it. Often stated through clothing, piercings, tattoos, attitude, risk taking behavior, defiance, eye-rolling… Increasing independence is key; being proactive as a parent with doing just this–increasing independence–can actually minimize the less than desirable ways a teen may express it.

~Risk taking! Driving too fast, courageously asking their crush out on a date, climbing mountains beyond their ability (ask me about that one!). Teens naturally are risk takers. Knowing their physical and emotional limits begins in the early years as we give out toddlers and preschoolers opportunities to struggle, providing a solid foundation for managing the bigger risks teens can take. Expect your teen to step WAY beyond your comfort level…and let them experience the results of their risk-taking choices with you the calm and connected guide they need to do so.

~Down time–being allowed to do ‘nothing’ and not be called lazy. Down time is so essential for healthy growth and healthy brains!

~Feeling heard and understood first, rather than directed or told NO WAY right off the bat…and this includes letting them purge all their feelings. Remember the volcanic nature of feelings at age 4? Well, hang on, for it comes again. Sitting alongside your teen, giving them a safe place to let it all out, is essential for them to process, manage, and move forward. Just like your preschooler.

~When given the car keys

~Having a calm, connected parent no matter what choice they make. Calm, connected, firm, kind, and respectful. And now they can more likely ‘own up’ to their actions and take the responsibility necessary for becoming a mature adult

Teens. Tumultuous, terrific, terrifying at times.

Totally awesome overall.

It’s the little moments each day that count the most as we build positive, healthy relationships with our children. Make the most of these…slow down, recognize these moment for the value they are, and be present. Your children are worth it…and so are you.

Make it great today,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Connection vs Disconnection

June 13, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What time do you value with your child enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

I asked this of my husband the other day…in terms of me, not our children. I asked, because, unwittingly, he had it in his pocket and on (and due to being hard of hearing, it is on LOUD) while we were out strolling in a bird refuge. A date. Chatting with a couple we’d just met doing something similar. His cell rang, interrupting our new-found connection with the other couple; disrupting the focus of our time together–birds and wildlife and all the conversation surrounding this.

It frustrated me. You’ll be proud, though–I paused. Actually, I just walked away fuming, but still–that’s a pause. I thought about it…it took time, for I was upset, but time I had for I had left my spouse talking on the phone he answered while I disappeared down the trail. I fumed through the “How COULD he? We finally had time together…” “He KNOWS better.” “Why couldn’t he just let it go to message???” And on and on.

I processed through the upset, thanks to the space of a PAUSE.

And I came to a more settled place, a calmer place–and focused less on him and more on myself. Yes, I was hurt and discouraged. But what is it I really wanted? What is it I truly enjoy about my time with him? What fills my bucket, has me feeling connected and loved and valued? When do we have the most fun together?

THIS brought me to my question. What time do you value with your child, spouse, friend enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

It is an important question.

Especially as I see parents fully embracing this digital life style and answering or checking their cells no matter where they are or what they are doing with their children. At the zoo. In the store. At the library. During piano recitals. In the car. Waiting at the doctor’s office. When juggling groceries, child, checker, payment.

Remember when (if you are old enough to remember!) we could go off to these places knowing any phone call would be on our message machine back at home–and we could tend to them then?No need to focus on all the myriad of other things in life when we were off with our children doing appointments, errands, adventures. Those other things would be waiting for us upon our return. There was enough to focus on just doing the things we were doing.

Life felt calmer, actually. Even with the million errands.

It seems inconsequential lots of times, this answering of our cell.

We’ve set our lives up to often need to answer and check and text whenever the ‘ping’ comes in, so it can be rather foreign to consider NOT doing so. But I’d like you to consider this–what message is it giving to whomever you are with and most especially your children when the phone’s disruption is allowed as just something normal and accepted, and tending to it is something we just automatically do?

I believe it sends a message of “What we are doing together isn’t as important as what’s on my phone.” “It’s okay to be constantly distracted…that’s what relating looks like.” “I’m too busy tending to my crazy life to take this time just with you…” “The phone rules…” “You aren’t valued enough to give my full presence to.”

I believe it sends a message of disrespect. Subtle, often, but there. And for children? This permeates all they do and think and feel…and then we wonder why they don’t act respectful, listen to us, stay focused on something, cooperate…

And think about this–what are you now missing when you allow your attention to be drawn from the child you are with to whatever comes through on your phone?

I’ve seen lots of little things missed…

…The wide-eyed surprise of a child as they watch a critter at the zoo and the glance to the adult to (hopefully) share this moment. And it is lost…

…The frustrated toddler trying to manage something, and the parent missing the boat entirely due to the phone–and it ending up in World War III…because children just know when we really aren’t paying attention and they know just how to get our attention

…The way a child straightens themselves up, settles into the piano bench, glances into the audience looking for the comforting and encouraging smile from a parent…and the parent is looking down at their phone.

…The comfort a child takes in holding hands as they approach something cautiously…and the hand drops away to use the phone and the child shrinks into mom or dad…while the parent absentmindedly pats them on the back, missing the emotional and physical work of their child.

…The totally delightful play between two siblings who are dashing ahead of parents down a trail. Their funny exchanges…and then their screeching to a stop to turn around and bounce their funny right off of mom or dad…but mom or dad, they are busy on their phone.

…The intense absorption of a child in a project that you are a part of because he had drug you by the hand to come watch…a good time, one might say, to check the phone–your child is absorbed. And then, when the child looks up–whether to ask for help or show something or just needing to KNOW mom or dad are still there, watching with care–they see a parent focused on a phone.

Just a few of the little things I’ve noticed that get missed.

Now a child feels disconnected, a bit at a loss, and sometimes

this often leads right to misbehavior.

They at times try even harder to engage the parent–and end up having to “catch a parent up” with what the parent had missed. Or they just fall apart. Because it is connection–honest, present connection that matters to them. Or maybe continue on with whatever it was they were doing without seeming to care. But they do.

Because these little things? They add up. Hugely.

When tended to, they make our relationships closer, more connected, filled with joy. They show us things about our children that we need to know. They allow us to go deeper in our understanding of just why our child is melting down or feeling oh-so-proud. They give us the opportunity to really KNOW our children just a little bit more. They can be what makes or breaks a moment–or an entire day–behavior wise. They are what can create the memories you relish and delight in and can feel proud about. And now you feel closer, more connected, experiencing more joy. How cool is that?

What can you do, today, to show your child you

value your time with them enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

Can you silence it and tuck it away, knowing you have time to tend to it in half an hour?

Can you practice leaving it in the car or at home occasionally?

Can you treat it more like a home phone and give it its place in the world–at least time wise–rather than letting it become a way of life that can undermine just the kind of relationships you intend to grow?

Just think what your child could “hear” when you say, “Let me put my phone away so I can give you and our time together my full attention.” And then you do.

I hope so. I really do. I am grateful to the increased awareness of the impact–both negative and positive–our technology driven lifestyles can have on our emotional and physical well-being. On our relationships. On our children. Our awareness is growing…our ability to be intentional about how we respond to all of it can, as well.

All I ask right now is for you to PAUSE and consider what time you value with your child (or yourself!) enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone.

And then do it.

Here’s to living well,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Gift of Our Pandemic

May 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

The Gift of (any) Pandemic…

Stay with me here, for I know it sounds rather conflicting–how can a pandemic, our shutting down of our economies, losing jobs, sheltering in place, having to wear masks and stay away from loved ones or feeling guilty if not doing so or or or be considered a gift?

There is real difficulty and pain, I know. And yet there is one prevailing result of living through this pandemic that I hope will be nurtured and grown for all of us in years to come.

Connection. Real, meaningful, warm, intentional, genuine connection.

Connection that says…

...YOU are important to me.

…I give you my full attention.

…I hear you.

….I want to spend time with you!

…I love you.

…You can lean on me; I can lean on you.

…Let me help.

…I will make time for you.

It seems to me we are all discovering what is truly at the core of being human; that connection is what we are missing, seeking, creating, relishing. It is painful–deeply painful–for those unable to connect at the end of another’s life. That seems to me to be the biggest indicator of how crucial connection is for all of us in order to live, be, die well.

We are discovering how much we WANT to connect–and our frustrations over limitations or willingness to take increased risks are indicators of just this.

We are discovering oh-so-many creative ways to BE connected! Zoom has come in handy for my family 🙂 . Outdoor time via walks, hikes, games that keep you appropriately distanced are being enjoyed by many (try badminton! Or a water-balloon *fight* or hopscotch!) Meals and even cooking together via a screen. Letters written, stories shared, fun and necessary deliveries made on doorsteps.

We are, I hope, discovering how connection via a screen answers a certain level of connection AND is a reminder of it’s limitations for connecting at the necessary deeper level. And it is this deeper level that is crucial for all of us to BE well–mentally, emotionally, and physically. The gift of our pandemic is embracing, nurturing, and enriching all of our connections.

Today, look to this gift. Seek out and create connection in any way you can. Be intentional. Look for and help in any way you can those who feel too isolated, who are suffering a lack of meaningful connection. Vow to keep this intentional connection in place no matter the health of the world, for it will absolutely improve the health of our world.

Connection is healing.

With hope and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Be Tech Intentional

September 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Because I keep getting asked by parents overwhelmed and truly concerned about all things digital in their children’s lives, I share this poster once again.

Be Tech Intentional.

This includes educating yourself on just what your children ARE doing and seeing. It includes growing your awareness of the impact digital use has on different ages and stages.

Know that as your child grows he or she will be in homes with different rules and awareness. As one Mama spoke to me recently, she doesn’t want her 5th grade son randomly exposed to and exploring things online (think porn, for one)–so she has taken the steps of speaking to the parents of homes where her son goes to play, asking that iPads and smart phones are not in the hands of the kids.

Another mama is working actively on her SELF to calm her anxiety over all things screens so she CAN guide her young son through positive exposure…and she is finding it tough, for she’d rather have NONE. Balance…it is key.

And yet another family has a place on the kitchen counter for their children’s friends, as they come to play bringing along all kinds of digital devices, to “park” their devices while at their house. As the papa said, “If you need to call your parents while you are here, you are welcome to use your phone right here in the kitchen.”

Be Tech Intentional. Know the impact. Know the content. Walk the talk. It is so very difficult…and it is so very essential.

Need more ideas and help? Two articles for you to take a look at: What TO Do Instead of a Screen and MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen,

Here’s to parenting well,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Simple Moments…Truly Relationship-Building

August 15, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! 2 Comments

Simple moments noticed and appreciated:

The dad who was enjoying the **bounce** that defined his 4-year-old daughter as she practiced her galloping skills in Walmart…

The parent respectfully and patiently waiting as his son was touching and counting each different bag of dog food before choosing the kind they came for…

The mama who, as her very frustrated and back-arching and giant tears 11-month-old let it be known just how MAD he felt, sat calmly nearby, stopping him from doing the unsafe crawling into Big Brother’s Swing Zone, and said, “You are really frustrated. You wanted to crawl over by Big Brother and I stopped you because it wasn’t safe.” That’s all. She waited, and rubbed his back, and waited some more. Then, “You are still upset. I can see that.” And waited some more. Slowly he stopped his Great Big Cry, crawled up onto her lap, checked in, and then happily, contentedly went on his way…

The dad curled up on a chair at the library with his daughter nestled in his lap–thoroughly absorbed in stories…

The mama who trailed ever-so-slowly alongside her young son, trudging ever-so-happily through mucky mud, poking with a stick, splashing and splooshing through the very soggy ground…and then plunking himself down in the biggest of the puddles…with mama nearby, watching, knowing full well there was a set of dry clothes inside their camper….

The mama who respected her toddler’s “outoftheway” statement as he moved out of the way on the zoo path, awaiting others to pass him by…she waited (‘outoftheway’) patiently until her little one decided the coast was clear and together they moved on along the path…

The dad and mom who, on request of their 9-year-old son, happily joined in on first a tag game, then a hide and seek game–all around a friend’s house laughing and hiding and carrying on. What a wonderful deposit into their relationship with their son…

The mom who joined in playfully as her son tried to go FAST down the store aisle. She gathered him up in her arms and together they jogged s.l.o.w.l.y, laughter over taking them both!

The teens who noticed the toddler watching their ball game and came to him, knelt down, and asked if he’d like to play ball, too. And off he toddled with the teens who then adjusted their play to include a 2-year-old in just the right way.

The young preschooler with eyes all alight as an unknown and friendly adult shared (and showed!) how the rabbit this adult just watched in the woods wiggled its nose, rubbed its face, scratched its tummy…and soon this young preschooler? He was doing the Rabbit Dance as he, too, wiggled his nose, rubbed his face, scratched his tummy…

The young adults who stepped up in front of a large crowd at their G’mom’s Celebration of Life, sharing stories of their own about their G’mom and how she delighted in important-to-them things in life. Such as Beanie Baby Collections, Harry Potter books, eating yummy desserts, good-looking actors on posters plastered on bedroom walls…the LIGHT in these young adults’ eyes as they shared filled many people’s hearts as we all reflected on how special G’mom was…connection at its best.

Presence. Joy. Connection. Simple moments. They are powerful.

Simple moments like these are deposits into healthy and positive relationships. Simple moments like these give children the connection and space necessary to grow well.

Simple moments. Let them fill your day.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

HOW Do We Get Our Kids To…

July 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment

We feel like it is OUR job to…

…Get our kids to fall asleep…stay asleep…just SLEEP.

…Eat what and when we serve them–I remember so well the “Clean your plate!” admonishments in our family…and many others, as well. “No dessert until…!” Or how about, “Lunch is in two hours. You’ll just have to wait…”

…Make sure they are a good friend…or have friends….or just make friends.

…Keep them from feeling sad, left out, hurt. Or STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD.

…Do whatever it takes to make sure they DON’T feel sad, left out, hurt–or…do whatever it takes to make them happy once again. And definitely STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD. Mostly because we can’t handle it.

…Make sure they do their homework…get their homework “right”…remember to turn IN their homework–especially the homework YOU worked so hard on getting them to finish or just went ahead and did for them.

On and on we go…

And we get more and more frustrated, stressed, reactive, heartbroken along the way…because our kids? They know, intuitively, that how they choose to think, feel, and behave is really THEIR job. Yet when we make it ours, they no longer have to take responsibility for sleeping, eating, being a good friend, feeling happy-sad-mad-successful…for they can count on us to continue to poke, prod, nag, bribe, yell, remind, do for them all these things we feel it is our job to do in order for our kids to grow well.

And now we have children who are less likely to feel competent, capable, confident in their abilities. Children who have no idea how to manage feelings. Children who rebel, comply, struggle more than necessary and for longer periods of time.

Consider this–what if you were to focus instead on growing capable, competent, confident-in-their-abilities children and put your efforts toward creating an environment conducive to your child taking charge of the sleep, eating, friendships, homework, upset feelings? Now how might that look? Perhaps:

For sleep…a calming routine for all ages that evolves with age.

Things like:

Gentle rocking for your baby as they work themselves to settle or respect for them to fuss themselves to sleep on their own in their crib. Or rubbing their back or saying to them, “I know you can let sleep come. I’ll be back in 5 minutes to check on you.” And then you keep your promise.

Perhaps stories and songs and snuggles or a bath followed by a snack followed by stories and a back rub. And patience galore when it seems like you have to start all over again with stories, songs, backrub…

Maybe your company quietly lying next to them. Probably a quieter environment with special guys or blankies or other sleep buddies (and NO screens). And again, your patience 🙂

Maybe acceptance for flashlights and late-night-under-the-covers reading with our older kids. Or taking OURSELVES off to bed after saying a good-night to your still awake child, communicating your confidence that they can take charge of their own sleep needs.

Letting go of all of this sleep happening in OUR time frame and respecting our child’s work at this oftentimes tough transition. That’s the tough part. Helping them to “let sleep come” can be a lengthy process…

For eating…providing healthy foods, regular mealtimes, enjoyable and connected mealtimes where:

Conversation is had and full presence is in place. Creativity called upon as yet again the answers to your inquiries are filled with, “I dunno.” “Maybe.” “Uh uh.” 🙂

ALL digital devices off the table, silenced, put away. Absolutely.

Respect is given for a child feeling full or feeling hungry. “You’re done? Great! Please take your plate to the counter.” “You’re hungry? Dinner is in an hour. Would carrots and some cheese help you wait?”

Most especially mealtimes that are focused on being together and sharing stories…now you are more likely positively influencing your child to eat well, healthily, and tuned in to their own body’s needs.

For friendships…role modeling the kindness, respect and FUN people can have together.

Such as:

Providing lots of opportunity to play freely and at length. Outdoors whenever possible! Little to no adult supervision–at least, obvious adult supervision…:-)

Inviting the single friend over for your quiet child, multiples for your extrovert. Choosing a friend to join the family adventure or welcoming in the neighborhood kids to roar around the yard.

Sitting alongside your child as they experience the inevitable hurt feelings–role modeling again the kindness and compassion you hope to see them exhibit towards others. Oh how this tugs on heartstrings! Take care of YOU, as well.

Making sure the kinds of toys you provide are easy for your toddler and preschooler to “share”–blocks, Lego, markers, playdough, books. Or just head OUT side and you’ll find way less conflict to occur!

Stepping up family time when your elementary child is on the receiving end of unkind remarks, of not being invited to birthday parties, is left out of play on the playground–step up family time, do more together, let your child experience positive and kind and fun with YOU until they are ready to reach out once again to another. What a way to respect their struggle without communicating that you have to fix it for them–and instead communicating your confidence in their ability to move through it well.

For homework…creating a comfortable, un-distracted time each day for doing homework, perhaps snack included…

Ideas include:

Making it a time of connection and presence. Maybe by sitting with your child, or busily working nearby. I often got kitchen work done while my girls sat nearby doing their homework. Kept me tuned in and available if they needed help.

Asking your child questions rather than telling them what to do. “Tough one, hmmm? What have you tried so far?” “What would happen if you tried adding, first, then doing the other part of the problem?”

Trusting their ability to learn rather than “making sure they do.” Now they can call learning their own. THIS empowers.

Having a routine in place each evening or morning that makes it easier for them to remember to gather all their work together–and letting go of whether they remember or not. Now they can own the result of this choice when they get to school and realize they’ve forgotten their work…

For all those uncomfortable feelings…the ones we’d like our children never to experience for it hurts us so much…

Try things such as:

Creating a space they can feel safe in, loved in, heard in. Physical or emotional one. My girls and I would snuggle on our big poof chair (think beanbag filled with foam). We’d squish in together, sit side by side, and feelings would pour out. A young boy I know feels best in his room. He can get out all kinds of MAD there and know it is okay.

Being the calm and connected parent alongside them in their great big sad, affirming, maybe asking questions but mostly listening. And rubbing backs, sometimes. Hugs welcomed often.

Exploring with them how something feels, what they think another felt, what could help in these situations. Exploring rather than making. Letting go of “solving the problem” and instead be curious and explore. That’s all.

What does all this require from us?

Patience. Trust in our children and the process growth is. Calm confidence in just what we intend to grow. Understanding and knowledge of child development. Support. The ability to PAUSE and calm ourselves. Our OWN growth. Self-care so we can be all these things.

It requires us managing our own feelings–especially our anxiety. Taking care of our anxiety so it doesn’t lead the way and have us “making our kids” rather than guiding and influencing our kids. Now that’s relationship building! Taking care of our anxiety so our kids can, too. Taking care of our anxiety so we can relax, trust our child’s growth process, focus on how capable and competent they can be, and let go of having it OUR way so they can find THEIR way.

Now our children have the opportunity to grow as capable,

competent, confident souls for they can take responsibility for themselves, be in charge of what they think, feel, and do, know more clearly from the inside out what they are all about.

Today…PAUSE. Focus on yourself in whatever situation you find yourself trying to “make your kids” do something. Tap into your calm, confident self. Know that you can create the environment that is going to support your child’s growth as one amazing individual. Let this communicate your confidence in your child’s growing abilities–what an empowering message to a child when a parent exhibits trust and confidence in them–especially as their child struggles.

Respect the process growth is.

Here’s to you today,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Grateful Mama

May 9, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

I am grateful.

Grateful to be a mother to two young women moving along their own journeys, growing themselves in lovely, strong, intentional ways. A bit sad, too, since our time together is few and far between…and when we will be together again as a family is unknown…

I am proud. Not because of their academic or athletic or any other ability. Not because of “jobs well done” or excelling or being artistic or smart or funny or any of those things we often hear others say they are proud of.

You know, I think about this “proud” statement, often. I hear others use it–“I’m proud of you, son!” as the child wins an award, or gets straight A’s or succeeds in some other way. What does it mean to our children if they then lose, or fail, or not succeed in something–are we still proud of them? Do we tell them at those times? Or do they think our pride is only for the times they do well and that it is their job to “make us proud?” I hope not.

I want, more than anything, for my daughters to make them SELVES proud. That their job is to lead themselves, from the inside out, focused on their feelings and their abilities and then take their strong-from-the-inside-out selves and always look to what they can do to help make the world a better place; to live well and strong, productive and purposeful.

And I want them to know I AM proud, and I truly admire them. And I want them to know why. Maybe this will help you look at your children and despite the struggles, frustration, worry, and all that our parenting journeys inevitably bring, you can notice important qualities in them evolving in amazing ways. Because they are there, ready to emerge, expand, strengthen.

I am proud and I admire my daughters because of their ever-growing abilities to:

~ Persevere. Through hard classes, hard times, difficult relationships, jobs that leave them frustrated, confusing moments/days/months, embarrassing moments, wondering-what-the-heck-do-I-do-now moments. To stick with their dreams and stand by their values. To stick with their friends no matter or maybe because of the turmoil. To persevere through it all staying true to (and still discovering) themselves.

~ Be kind. To others whether it is easy or difficult. To animals–well cared for pets and lonely strays. To people who believe different things and live in different ways and maybe make them uncomfortable at times. To children and each other. To choose “be kind” over “be right.” To be kind to themselves, always.

~ PAUSE and consider. Get calm then clear on what the next step is or the big picture is or what they hope for and intend. Equally, to give themselves a bit of grace as they struggle with just what their next step is. To take that break when their buttons are pushed. To be intentional in what they do–no matter how what they do turns out. Being intentional is a huge strength. Pausing grows this ability.

~ Love, fully. With open arms and hearts. To miss those they love. To ache for them, rejoice in them, be confused by them, find ways to be connected no matter the distance. To be vulnerable in their love. To share their love. To love themselves. That’s hard at times, to love ourselves. We are so quick to judge when really, we need to *just* love and accept, to be comfortable in who we are today; empowered to grow ourselves for tomorrow.

~ Risk. Step out of their comfort zone, try on new things. To be uncomfortable AND confident. To be willing. What a way to grow! Their courage is something I admire, for in so many ways I never had this courage. I have been inspired by theirs.

~ Trust. Each other, us, themselves, the path life presents them. To see them lose, have to let go and still know, with a growing certainty, that if they just re-adjust what they are looking at or where they look, another door will open or is already standing open awaiting them. Always. That opportunity is always there for the taking–sometimes it is just that we have to re-frame what life brings. This trust? It is baseline.

~ Laugh! The light-hearted humor they weave through their lives is something else I truly admire–from letting it help them through the tough times to reaching out to others to help lighten their load. A gentle humor; a laugh-until-you-cry humor. It goes a long way…

~ Be independent. Taking charge of their lives. Deciding for themselves what feels right, good, productive, helpful, kind, loving, important. And then doing it. Standing certain in those decisions. And again, always be willing to let go…and continue trusting just where the Universe is leading them.

And you know what else I admire and am proud of? That both my girls want to spend time with me and their dad. They turn to us as the resource we always intended on being. They are open and honest with their thoughts and feelings. When we come together as a family JOY is the over-riding experience. Yes, we get tired of each other. yes, we get frustrated. Yes, our girls seem to always win at our favorite board game (Ticket to Ride!) AND remind us of this often. Yet JOY is still the over-riding experience…I can tell, because we always look forward to the next time we all get to be together (and play more games).

This I am grateful for. Deeply, deeply grateful. May they carry this JOY forward into their friendships and future families.

I am proud to be their mother. I feel blessed, grateful, inspired by them. I think one of the most important ways I’ve grown by being their mother is watching their creative, courageous selves embrace their journeys no matter the bumps and struggles and successes. It has helped and is helping me do the same…

Helping me to stand by what I know is right, good, and healthy for my family and all children no matter what someone else or something else dictates–our society, our culture.

Helping me to strengthen my PAUSE, let my patience step up, and wait and LIVE in the uncertainty that often defines our parenting journeys, our lives.

Helping me to stand in my integrity and practice all that I think, feel, believe–no matter the hard. My girls are watching and this is important to me.

What a team we are.

And I miss them as we again and again part ways to live our lives…and equally I look forward to being together once again.

Today, tomorrow, every day–take time to really look at your children no matter their age. Notice what they are working on, how they approach things, when they show their independent selves (even when you wish they would JUST LISTEN to you). Look for those moments of care and kindness and respect and focus and hard work and sharing of feelings and humor and all those qualities key for growing into the whole and wonderful beings we hope for.

And then let them know what you see…let them know when you notice just what you’d like MORE of for what we focus on? It grows.

Then tell them you feel blessed and grateful to be their parent…

Happy Mother’s Day. And to my daughters, Happy to BE your Mother today and every day

Alice (AKA mom).

Author and Parent Coach

L-O-N-G Waits in Line…

May 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of connection, creativity, and all things relationship building for you from a wonderfully simple perspective.

A family. Two children, ages 8 and 10, and their parents. A long line awaiting entrance to a way-cool castle in Scotland. Think crowds of tour bus folk, general tourists, a small space, and castle ruins just yonder. Oh, and the heat. So very hot.

And think “buff.” You know, those scarf-like things we can wear around our necks for warmth? The 10-year-old boy had one (despite the heat!)…I’ll get back to the buff soon:

“How much l-o-n-g-e-r do we have to WAIT, dad????”

“Ten minutes until the ticket office opens!”

“That’s too LOOOOONNNNGGGG!”

Okay. So we’ve all been here. Whining and fidgety kids, crowds of people, hot weather and lengthy wait times. Here’s what I noticed, heard, and eventually went directly to the parents and appreciated out loud:

Dad, “Would you like to set the timer?” “

Boy, “YES! Can I choose the sound???”

And son and father took out the phone–the ONLY time I saw anything device oriented come out–and together they went through sounds until the boy chose one and the timer was set. Respectful–dad appreciating how hard it can be and providing a solid framework for his son to wait by–ultimately giving his son the opportunity to be in control of that very long 10 minutes . No “Quit whining!” or “It’s only 10 minutes, be patient!”

Just a quiet affirmation of how waiting can

be hard by offering up a simple way to wait successfully;

to actually learn to BE patient.

Sister and brother began to wander a bit…went over to the sign and read it out loud to each other. They twirled. Poked around the ticket booth. Pushed each other playfully. Mom and dad watched from the line, quietly. Kids returned to mom and dad and quizzed them a bit about castle questions. Whining was forgotten, quiet exchanges took place, and the kids were given the space to just be kids. Talk about communicating trust in their ability to manage their selves–both by being able to wait in a crowd of people as well as to entertain themselves…

And then the buff antics began. My daughter noticed the boy’s buff and, just as the boy was getting a bit agitated once again regarding how L-O-N-G the wait was, said, “Buffs are so cool! Did you know you can make a hat with it??”

And the play began. The buff was turned into a hat, a mask, a chance to be “backwards and invisible” as the kids pulled their buffs up over their heads and wore their dark glasses on the backs of their heads. Giggles galore. Then it was my daughter showing them how nordic skiers use buffs with hats included. Then it was how far the buff could s-t-r-e-t-c-h and be pulled and go inside out and outside in. Mom and dad laughed and shared their ideas. Sister worked hard at using her headband in the same way. My daughter and the kids were totally engaged–conversation, fun, creative ideas. Those became the quickest “10 minutes” ever. And we all enjoyed the wait in line!

And then later, as we toured the castle ruins, what did I notice? How easily engaged each child was with their exploring, learning, asking questions. How mom and dad answered questions quietly, asked new ones, and generally let their kids lead the way as they wove in and out of people, walls, paths, twisty old stair cases.

The respect for what their kids were curious about and the respect their kids had for what mom and dad were curious about was a delight to see.

What stood out was how comfortable they all were.

How present and focused and truly listening to each other they were. And two kids who really managed themselves well–fidgets and whining included. I went up to mom and mentioned how I noticed and appreciated this…and that I also appreciated the lack of digital devices and instead real time, face to face interactions. Her response? “We really think less is better…and it is ever so hard to do so with so many of their friends getting smart phones….”

We shared a bit about the importance of being intentional with our use of all things digital so that we can more likely grow healthier relationships, brains and lives.

I shared how awesome it was that they had thought ahead of all-things-digital and decided what they wanted the most––the kind of relationships they were now experiencing. Connected. Respectful. Kids who managed themselves well and could be restless, fidgety, engrossed in their own ideas and play. She shared how it makes it easier knowing what they really want for their kids…and how good it feels to be appreciated for the hard work they are doing to live just what they believe. Talk about building healthy brains!

Connection, creativity, presence, all things relationship-building. It really can be simple. It really can start with a buff .

We really CAN give our kids the space and respect

to just be without always taking responsibility for filling their time or calming our own anxiety over their antics by

distracting them with a screen.

What a gift to our kids when we become truly intentional with how we use our phones, our iPads, our computers–with how we decide NOT to use them.

Today, take time to put digital devices aside. Head outdoors. Get a pile of books to read. Build a fort and climb inside. Cook. Swim. Dig in the dirt. Twirl. Or get your buffs out and see what its like to make yourself “backwards and invisible” with a pair of sunglasses propped on the back of your head.

Most importantly, connect.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

One Mom’s Real and Positive CHANGE

April 7, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

A story for you!

Mom, fourteen-year-old daughter, eleven-year-old son. Reactive household. Lots of yelling, talking back, frustration, ignoring.

A daughter who began to hide things—her texts, her new found boyfriend, her self.

A mom who was clear she wanted to help her daughter be safe, choose with care, make healthy decisions. A mom who realized what could lie up ahead if she and her kids continued on this road of reactivity, of feeling lousy, of anything but relationship building experiences and interactions.

A mom who sought support via parent coaching...

She decided to start focusing on herself first and foremost…

Mom began to worry less about what her daughter chose to do and focused more on what she (mom) decided to do.

Mom began depositing into her Self Care Savings Account.

She learned about and focused on her PAUSE muscle.

She spent time reflecting on just the kind of adults she intended to grow…on just what kind of relationships she really wanted…on how she would like to feel.

Mom actively grew her calm(er) self and began to listen.

To stay quiet, initially. To express clearly her hopes for her children. To be clear on expectations without it becoming a yelling match. At least, only a one-sided yelling match, for she had decided to no longer yell…but what her kids decided–that was up to them 🙂 .

Mom found herself asking more questions rather than dictating what she thought the answers should be. She discovered she COULD sit through some big emotional times with her young teen and maintain the calm her daughter needed the most from her.

Her daughter began to flourish.

She began to respond well to her mother’s ability to gently intervene, rather than yell, nag, threaten. She began to trust what her mom said she meant and would do. This fourteen year old started to share more openly with her mother. To seek her out as a resource as things escalated with a boyfriend who stepped up his demands…his stalking via texts…the drama of first love relationships…the drama of friendships, period.

Her daughter felt empowered as her mom asked questions rather than told her what to do. She started, on her own, to choose better friends, healthier relationships, to stand up for her self. Mom and daughter began to laugh and talk and enjoy each other more and more often…and family life calmed down.

Fast forward three years. This mom?

She shared with me just how connected, joyful, respectful her relationships with her children have become.

Just what she envisioned three years ago when she initially sought support. She shared how her daughter told her she is someone she trusts, that she can count on mom to listen and often wait before mom intervenes in a situation. Her daughter shared with her how she sees her mother as a resource she can and does and wants to turn to. Cool, hmmm?

This daughter? She is about to fly. College is right around the corner. She is ready–feeling capable, competent, respected, trusted.

This mom? She is ready, too. She now knows, without a doubt, her relationship with this young adult is exactly how she intended it to be.

And the family? Oh the adventures they enjoy together! What a gift to both children to have a parent wanting and willing to grow themselves in order to become the kind of parent they intend to be. What a gift to the children to have a parent actively pausing, considering, living the respect and trust she wants to see; doing whatever she can to calm her own anxieties and worries enough that they no longer lead the way throughout the day; actively focusing on self-care–the foundation for parenting and living well.

What a gift to her children and to herself, all this work at growing has been.

I wanted to share so you can feel a bit more empowered today to pull your focus first to yourself, to trust the process growth and relationships are, to know–really KNOW–that the work you put in right now to parent with calm connection, to parent well, pays off.

It is worth the journey no

matter how many years, for it is about relationships. And it is our relationships that count the most.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2016 Alice Hanscam

A Day in the Life: Papa and Two Young Boys

March 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

Being home all day with young children can be ever-so-exhausting AND rewarding.

A story from a Papa who did just this as Mama recovered from illness. Here is his Day’s Tally with his 20-month-old and 4.5-year-old boys. Let it put a smile on your face, a nod of “Yep. That’s us!” Appreciate how FULL a day can be with seemingly little progress...

I am most certain he, once again, appreciates the work his wife does every single day as a Stay-at-home Mama 🙂 :

~ Kids bathed and dressed–woo hoo! A feat unto itself to actually be DONE in the morning.
~ Kids fed
~ Syrup and milk sodden clothes removed–ha!
~ Kids showered once again…
~ Kids dressed–again.
~ Go fish games, puzzles, making forts, being kids–PLAY time!
~ Kids are hungry – decided on grilled cheese sandwiches…YUM.
~ The youngest disappears to snuggle with Mama; Eldest says, “Let’s make pudding, first!” (Something a Papa, taking over the Stay-at-Home Parent shift, is happily willing to do!)
~ Youngest escapes Mama Snuggles to help Big Brother with that DEEE-licious pudding!
~ 3 cups worth of banana pudding hits the floor–oh those eager toddler hands… 🙂
~ Pudding sodden clothes removed and dumped in pile–who has time for laundry, anyway?!
~ New batch of pudding made–better than having everyone melt down into tears over spilled pudding…
~ Grilled cheeses finally made, kids fed
~ Cleaned bird cages–together. Hmmm. Perhaps more of a mess made before clean is had?
~ Back to building more forts, did stick-on tattoos, exhaustion creeping up–on kids, too 🙂
~ Late naps–yet naps are at least had!
~ Played in forts once again
~ Dinner thrown together…cereal? Chicken? Some bits and pieces of something?
~ Pudding and stories–oh yes, STORIES.
~ Kids Showered once again–pudding and bird cages and forts and tattoos leave one rather sticky and icky all over again.
~ Kids in bed FINALLY. Zonked in 30sec. This bedtime stuff? What a breeze…
~ Mopping the kitchen floor. About a half gallon of milk landed on the floor today between pudding and cups being set on the floor between sips, sticky cheese dripped from sandwiches, sticky pudding, too…

And finally, falling into bed himself and zonked in 30 seconds…!

A Day in the Life of a Papa and Two Little Boys…and we wonder why we can rarely get (other) things DONE.

Thank you to the Papa who shared this story!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What We Miss

January 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

A story to share…

A morning walk along a wooded trail. A young family–Dad, dog, boy age 8-ish and girl age 5-ish marching along, kids with a spring in their step.

Upon closer inspection, blue lollipops being deliciously enjoyed! How fun, I thought. As we grew close enough, I said, “Hello!” and got an exuberant “HI!” greeting from the kids.

“Wow, you’ve got BLUE lollipops.” Big grins, blue decorating all parts of their faces . “I see blue all around your mouths…!” And out came a tongue–“Oh! Your tongue is blue, too!” GRIN. “Oh my goodness, look at your teeth–THEY are all blue!” BIG grins and giggles.

Then from the boy to me, “YOUR shirt is blue!” “Yes!”, I said, “It is…and hey, look, your sister’s shoes are blue!”

As dad approached the little girl giggled, “And daddy’s wearing blue, too!”

From me, “Look at your dog’s collar–it’s blue, too!”

The boy proclaimed: “It’s a BLUE day today!”

Off he and his sister marched with springs in their steps, lollipops licked, blue smiles across their faces, necks craning upwards as I added, “The sky is trying to be blue, too!”

Dad?

He was talking on his cell phone. Casually. Sending quick smiles my way…yet plugged into his cell phone. He was doing what many of us do when we are distracted–tossing in a comment ‘on the side’ to try to be a part of things, managing his wiggly dog (and getting tangled a bit!), glancing at his kids…and yet, he was missing so much of what was going on. Missing it. While on a short walk with his family through a wooded park.

Here’s what I wanted to see–no cell phone. Why? Because WITH the cell phone dad was distracted. Only partially there. Attention divided. And even though this no longer feels like a big deal in our current lives, for all of us do this to some extent, it IS a big deal. It is very much a DIS-connection.

And our children know it, feel it, are growing up with this DIS-connection as their foundation for what life and relationships are supposed to look like.

Without a cell phone to his ear here’s what this walk could have looked like:

A dad marching along with a grin on his face as he watched the antics of his kids. A dad pausing to join in on the BLUE fun. A dad who caught the fact that his 8-year-old was totally delightful in the moment with me, a complete stranger.

A dad who noticed his daughter’s uncertainty, her warming up, her attempt to draw him into our BLUE conversation. A dad who could go home and reflect on the memories of a walk in the woods, the spring in his kids’ steps, how his dog was glued to all things children, what his kids delighted in the most and spent time noticing.

A dad who could actively and authentically participate again and again with his kids as they tell and re-tell the story of their walk in the woods. For they will. Kids always do.

A dad who took this opportunity to be truly present, to feel connected, to deposit positively into his relationships with his children. Little moments like these count. They make up most of all of our days and they count. Hugely.

And YES, there ARE times we have to be on our cell phone. There are emergencies and tricky appointment call-backs. There are those endless stream of telephone tag games we are so DONE with that we keep that cell close and available no matter what. There are those calls from the school and from work and you name it.

And yet I feel and I know that we can do it differently.

We can, most of the time, do it without it being at a cost to the rich, deep, meaningful, lovely, delightful relationships we all want–including the connections via the phone that we have because, YES, those connections can be equally important and also deserve our full attention.

Ideas to consider:

Dad could have, prior to heading out on the walk, said, “Kids, I need to make a call. When I am finished, we’ll head out.” And then give his full attention to the call instead of doing the half-way paying attention that really wasn’t paying attention at all to the wonderful antics of his kids OR the person on the call with him.

He could have left it on silent and let all calls go to a message to then listen to with his full attention a bit later.

He could have left it at home or in the car for the 30-minutes he was out walking.

He could have chosen to answer it on the walk with a, “Thanks for calling–I’m with my children right now and will give you a call in about half an hour.”

And what a message he’d communicate to his children–that they are important, that being with them is something he thoroughly enjoys, that when together on an adventure this is the protocol–no digital devices and our full attention to the adventure.

He’d communicate this is what it is like being a dad (role modeling–we are always role modeling), this is what it is like to be a family, this is how we walk dogs and have fun.

Then the stories that will emerge at home–just think, “Mommy! Look at all our BLUE! Daddy thought we were funny, and you know what we did…and a lady we met…and then Daddy and doggy did…and when sister fell, daddy…” Oh, the truly authentic JOY that can be shared! And maybe the upset, as well. Shared. Memories made. Things learned and discovered. Together.

This is what counts. This is what becomes a real, genuine deposit into your relationship–and the more we can deposit well, the stronger we become and the more likely you will have future teens and young adults wanting and willing to come to you as a resource, to come and spend time with you, to want to be in your company–because you wanted to be in theirs. Fully.

Take time to consider your cell phone/digital device use. Consider what you are role modeling, what kind of relationships you want, what you are communicating by your actions to your children, what memories and relationships you really want to create. Consider how you feel when you are totally present out walking with your children versus how you feel when you are juggling calls, texts, dog and kid antics all in one.

Whatever you decide to put your attention to, do it fully and respectfully. Be intentional. You and your children are worth being intentionally present to and in all that you do–calls, texts, walks, meals, little moments, big moments.

Your future older children? They will want to be in your company because you wanted to be in theirs. And now you’ve shown them just how to manage all things digital that has them more likely choosing with care and intention for themselves. Ever so important for those teens years…and adult years 🙂

Respectfully,

Important Moments in the Day of a School-aged Child

July 16, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a school (elementary!) aged child:

Our sincere and present good-byes and hellos…

…as we send our child off to school and welcome them back home. No cell phone in hand, please. The joy of our little rituals–kisses, hugs, high-fives, eye twinkles, “Tell me about your day!”–leave our kids feeling loved, safe, and connected. A wonderful way to head into school ready to learn, out of school ready to re-connect.

Down time!

Instead of moving on to the next scheduled activity, it is the time to kick back, focus on what they feel like–building forts, getting lost in a book, playing with friends, creating an elaborate Lego structure, kickball outside, swinging high and long. Protecting this time and space is key for a child to grow well.

Playing with friends…

…whether with one or a group, elementary kids are all about friendships. Best Friends Forever, Secret Clubs, “You’re my friend because you like grape popsicles, too!” All those social skills you hope your child will figure out? Here is where they blossom…especially when we stay on the periphery, or out of it entirely. This is their time to discover how to be fair, kind, compassionate, accepting. Hurt feelings abound…and with our compassion and understanding, they can pick themselves back up and try again. Amazingly resilient!

Mealtime with the family…

…whether it is breakfast, lunch, or dinner, coming together with the whole family does more for building positive, healthy relationships then just about anything else. A time to hear their stories, to laugh, to learn good manners. A time to know for sure they belong somewhere. A time to know for sure they are safe, loved, cared for, respected…that mom or dad are truly interested in who they are becoming, what they are thinking about, what they like and don’t like. Respect. What an opportunity.

Games!

With friends or family, game playing absorbs our school-age kids. Board games, card games, pick-me-up kick ball, baseball, capture the flag games. Silly, made-up games, rhyming games, hopscotch, hide and seek, chase and tag. This is an essential part of learning and growing social skills, give and take, how to win or lose, cooperation, physical abilities, complex thinking skills…learning that truly stimulates the brain in amazing ways preparing them for the increasingly difficult academia they will be immersed in. No need for competitive/organized sports–just plenty of time to play non-adult directed (kid-directed!) games.

Our quiet company as they get hurt, feel left out, lose their best friend…

Our willingness to sit alongside them in their upset as they experience any kind of hurt, to show our respect for how they feel, give them our company and our compassion…this is essential for our children. And our willingness to let go of trying to fix it for them is equally key, for now we communicate our confidence in their ability to manage them selves; now they are just a bit stronger for the next round of uncomfortable feelings bound to happen.

Simple moments in the day of a school-age child…moments that are essential for us to provide, be present to, and protect. Know that with your attention to these you are giving your child just what she or he needs to be better able to grow strong, healthy, and well.

Go play a game today! Want to learn more about school-aged kids? Check out this: Elementary Kids!

Continue…

Teens! Tumultuous and Terrific

May 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Teens—a tumultuous and terrific time!

On the verge of adulthood and incredibly capable and competent…often much to our concern and counter to our well-earned wisdom

Teens need opportunities to:

~ Fly on their own often and take risks. Our job? To manage our own anxiety as they head out on their own with their new drivers license; to bite our tongue as they try something you KNOW won’t work out; to calm ourselves as they flippantly decide the major, end of semester project is a cinch and can be done right before class and then head out to hang with the guys instead.

~ Take increased responsibilities in many areas. Let them experience the result of leaving that end of semester project to the last minute; give them the keys to the car and errands they can run for you; support adventures that may push your window of comfort but seem to spark them—use them as opportunities to help them think through it all and take charge of themselves responsibly.

~ Discover their passions and pursue them. Put aside your own desires and wishes and regrets from your life to give them the space to find out what sparks them the most. Use these passions as opportunities to give increased responsibilities, to let them fly on their own, to give them more acceptable-to-you risks. Be curious and enjoy the surprises as you watch what excites your teen.

~ Build increasingly intimate relationships. Friendships expand to include more intimate couple relationships. Our respect for our teenʼs age and stage can help us give them the framework in which to explore their deepening relationships. Be it car dating no earlier than 16, lots of inclusion of the boyfriend with family activities, or honest talk about the responsibilities of sex, our clear expectations and calm confidence in our teen allows them to have the positive, growing experiences essential for this age.

~ Have meaningful participation with family and community. Our job? To respect the different ways participation can look—from your teen wanting to open up and share just as you head to bed, to doing activities or chores alongside us, to maintaining family time each night. Show them, by your actions, just what meaningful participation can be, from taking time to visit the elderly neighbor, to volunteering in the community, to playing Monopoly with the family.

Teens! Quite the roller coaster. Ups, downs, and times you actually can catch your breath for a moment.

They are on the verge of separating fully from us—and they need lots of opportunities to practice this in order to enter adulthood with the tools they need for success. Discover what helps you stay calm and connected throughout these years so you can be the positive resource your teen needs.

Step back and give your teen the space to develop a healthy sense of self. They are amazing!

With JOY and appreciation,